Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan - Become Your BEST Self When You LET GO, With Heather! Episode 242

Episode Date: August 10, 2022

In This Episode You Will Learn About:  The importance of role models   Gratitude practices   Mental toughness  Resources: Overcome Your Villains is Available NOW! Order here: https://overc...omeyourvillains.com  If you haven't yet, get my first book Confidence Creator Watch the Mental Toughness Forum Show Notes:  What do you do when life throws you a curveball? Don’t let TEMPORARY fears hold you back! No matter how you feel, the bad things WILL change over time. Life is a rollercoaster so it’s vital to take a step back, give thanks, and KNOW you will get through whatever life throws your way! I’m sharing my speech with you from The Mental Toughness Forum, to inspire you to get through WHATEVER is standing in your way. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Starting point is 00:00:31 Each week when you join me, you're going to chase down our goals, overcome adversity, and set you up for a better tomorrow. After you've seen it, I'm ready for my close time. Hi, and welcome back. I'm so glad you're back here with me today. Okay, so today, as always, I'm always trying my close up. Hi, and welcome back. I'm so glad you're back here with me today. Okay, so today as always I'm always trying to do something different as you know and this week I had the opportunity Ben Newman put on an event called the mental toughness forum. It's at mental toughness forum.com and Incredible line of speakers. I was grateful to be one of the speakers, John Gordon,
Starting point is 00:01:05 Ben Newman, there was Ed Mylett, so many professional athletes. It was crazy, really incredible group of speakers, an amazing event. And we've gotten, it's so cool when you do these events online because people tweet out certain quotes that you have and they share them and you get to see what resonates with people. And so I'll actually read you a quote that I saw just people
Starting point is 00:01:33 reposting and reposting and it made me so excited. Where's the one that I liked? No, that's not the one I'm looking for. Hang with me. Well, you're going to hear it in a second anyways because I'm going to play the actual speech for you. It's 18 minutes long. See what you think. But it says how we show up for our kids and the people we care about in our life is how they in turn will show up in theirs. Heather Montan. So it's funny because I don't even know what I'm saying half the time when I'm talking because I give so many speeches that I sort of have a rhythm.
Starting point is 00:02:03 It's like, you know, Nike, just do it, right? You tie your shoes, you're not thinking about it. So sometimes when I see people sharing quotes that I've said, it's such a cool surreal feeling because I say, oh my gosh, I don't even remember what story I was telling or what I was trying to impart when I shared that, but okay, I like that too. I'll keep it.
Starting point is 00:02:21 Yes. So I'm going to play this talk for you. And again, it's mental toughnessformchallenge.com. I'm going to put the link in the show notes. You can check it out if you want to check into it and see the other speakers and whatnot. Obviously, please do really incredible event. I did post about it during the week so that you would be able to see it. But I know it's so hard sometimes. You might share something on one platform and somebody doesn't catch it. But hopefully you'll catch it here.
Starting point is 00:02:48 Would love to hear what you think. If you like more content of my talks, happy to provide more of those for you. Always need your feedback, of course. Oh, and just PS, it's your girl's birthday. August 14th, I am turning 48 years old. So if you want to give me a birthday gift, I would love it if you would share if you wanna give me a birthday gift,
Starting point is 00:03:05 I would love it if you would share the show and leave me a review. It would mean the world to me. Seriously, it would mean so much. It helps so much as I'm kicking off a new year and super excited about this year with my son and I moving and so many exciting things ahead, like live events.
Starting point is 00:03:24 I just got back from a live, I was giving a sales kickoff keynote in San Diego, California. And it was so fun to be back in person with people still doing a mix of hybrid events and then, you know, some in person, but I definitely love the in person. And I'm hoping you're getting in person with people too. It is so exciting. and it was so interesting. Also, one thing I wanted to note, as you know, I live in Miami and in Miami people don't wear masks and haven't for a while. We have total freedom here.
Starting point is 00:03:55 When I was in San Diego, it was so surprising to see so many people had masks on and they were talking about potential mask mandates. So again, wherever you are just to reflect on how grateful we can be for what we do have our health that were in a better situation than we were during the pandemic because getting a glimpse of that in San Diego was wow, that really took me back and made me feel so grateful, so challenging you today. What can you be grateful for? And I actually just had this conversation. so grateful, so challenging you today, what can you be grateful for?
Starting point is 00:04:25 And I actually just had this conversation. I got a phone call from my nephew this morning upset that he had just broken up his relationship and it was feeling really down. And I said to him, I said, listen, here's a thing. Number one, this is temporary. And I speak with a lot of experience, you know, now almost 48 years old. I'm telling you, I've had a lot of experience, you know, now almost 48 years old.
Starting point is 00:04:50 I'm telling you, I've had lots of breakups, whether they be at work or, you know, social relationships or my actual personal relationships. It's temporary, no matter how you feel, it will change in time and just reminding yourself of that, right? Like in the moment it can feel, ah, this is a roller coaster and I can't take it. But that's where we have to pump the brakes, give ourselves some grace, right? And say, you know what, I have been through hard times before. I did get through those tough times. I didn't know what was ahead. That's a big part of it, right? You don't know what miracle could be waiting for you this afternoon. You need to start expecting miracles in your life
Starting point is 00:05:25 and putting that vibe out there, right? And this is what exactly what I was saying to my nephew today is, you don't know who you're gonna meet this afternoon at the grocery store. How can you sit there and tell yourself that you know you're gonna be depressed for the next couple of months? That's not fact.
Starting point is 00:05:40 That's a belief you're holding. There's no factual basis for that. And I just likened it to when I got fired five years ago, I sat for one day on the couch feeling so bad for myself under a weighted blanket, just crying my eyes out and just feeling so victimized. And I remember after 24 hours, I said, okay, pity party is over.
Starting point is 00:06:03 It's fine to feel the sadness for sure. It's good to do that, but you don't want to wallow in it. And if you're going to allow yourself to do that, you'll stay there. So that's when I jumped up and I posted, I've just been fired. If I've ever helped you in any way, I need to hear from you now.
Starting point is 00:06:18 Right, you got to jump up and take action and put yourself out there. And that's what I was trying to convince my nephew to do today. I said, first things first, sit down and write down three things you're grateful for. Start focusing on the good things in your life, not this one, what you feel is a negative thing. But the next thing I said was, was the relationship that great?
Starting point is 00:06:37 And he said, no. Okay, then you just freed yourself from something so that you're never going to grab great if you're hanging going to grab great if you're hanging onto mediocre. So you have to go through that uncomfortable unknown period of letting go of mediocre to give yourself that chance to grab great. And when you do, you might find out great's waiting for you at the grocery store this afternoon. You don't know. But until you take that leap, you never will know.
Starting point is 00:07:03 So if you are going through a tough time, start with gratitude, start with being grateful for your health, for our freedom, for the ability to listen to this podcast, shout out. You know, whatever it is that you're grateful for today, right? Like write those things down, focus on the good in your life, so you bring more good into it,
Starting point is 00:07:21 instead of getting so caught up in focusing on the negative. And believe me, I've had many a days in my life where I focused on a negative. It doesn't pay dividends. It never does. At some point, you have to pump the brakes and say, okay, enough is enough. I'm going to shift this narrative. And for me, one of the things that I've been doing a lot lately, encourage you to do it, is instead of when I drive, I drive a ton in Miami, as you know, that's why I'm moving, one of the reasons why I'm moving, but you know, being in the car, I had a friend's aid meet, stop listening to music and start
Starting point is 00:07:56 listening to audiobooks, start listening to something that's going to help elevate you, and I need to read a lot of books for for to prep for the show when I interview people. So I started using that time to grow, right, to start accessing new information. And anytime we do that, we're going to be better for it, right? So check into some books that people recommend overcome your villains and confidence creator. Clearly, our two hits, which I'd love for you to check out if you haven't yet. And yes, I narrate them both, but there are so many great books out there in the world. And I just listened to John Gordon's book, The Garden, recently on Audible. It was amazing.
Starting point is 00:08:33 And it was a super quick listen and really powerful and got me thinking about, right, it's a way to start opening your mind to different ideas, to expanding your thought, to growth. So I challenge you to do that, even try it just for a month when you're driving in the car, just choose a couple of different audio books and give them a listen and see how much better you feel and what you start learning and how it helps you get
Starting point is 00:08:57 in a positive mindset because we know this. Challenges will come every day, right? They're going to be out there, but it's about how we approach them and how quickly we can bounce back from them and don't forget, you never know how the dots are going to connect until you look back on this moment in time. So when you're in the thick of it, it's hard because you don't know what's to come next. Give yourself that grace and have that faith that the dots will connect. You just don't know how yet. And they're probably gonna be so much better
Starting point is 00:09:26 than you ever could imagine. Okay, now we're gonna go to the mental toughness forum. Again, the website is mentaltoughnessform.com. Check it out, you can check out all the speakers there, not just your girl. There's videos and audios on both, but I think you're really gonna like it. Let me know what you think.
Starting point is 00:09:44 And if you like the episode, tag me, share it. I will always repost, reshare, and so appreciate you. All right, here we go onto the mental toughness form. National security experts are warning. Our aging power grid is more vulnerable than ever. January marked a third time at power station, North Carolina was damaged by gunfire. Authorities are saying the attack raises
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Starting point is 00:13:18 23 dollars a bottle. Just go to fixwollenveat.com slash confidence. Hi, thank you, Ben Newman so much for having me here today. Thank you for including me. And hi to you, welcome to the mental top-nest forum. I hope you are enjoying it so far. Okay, I am Heather Monahan. Yeah, that's me right there. We'll get to that in a minute. And I'll give you a little bit of background on me. I'm a former C-suite executive who made it to the top, smash the glass ceiling, and was fired literally overnight after being named one of the most influential women in radio, complete gut punch.
Starting point is 00:13:58 That opportunity allowed me to reinvent myself as a best-selling author times two, top 50 keynote speaker in 2022, and a lot of other things. So I'm here today to share three strategies that you could implement in your life that I hope will add some major value to you in your mental toughness challenge. Okay, so Ben asked us what role has mental toughness played in your life and your career, and it has been huge. But I definitely didn't think about it as mental toughness. I don't know if you're with me, you know, you look back at those hard times. You don't necessarily remember thinking your tough, especially in the moment, right? So my first one that I want to share with you,
Starting point is 00:14:41 I'm going to take it back old school to my first love, my first boyfriend in my 20s that I lived with that I thought I was going to marry because I learned this incredible lesson from that time that sticks with me to this day and has been really helpful in my perspective, which is really helpful when you need to be mentally top. So I was living with my boyfriend, living my best life, or so I thought, who feels me on this one. And if you know a girl in her early 20s in love, you understand how big this is. I thought we were getting married until one day I came home and found out he had just cheated on me. Mike dropped moment. Well, I was an ad executive in radio sales that I went to work
Starting point is 00:15:28 the next day looking horrible. No makeup on flip flops falling apart at the edges. Yes, I wear my heart on my sleeve. My boss says to me, what happened to you? He said, the love of my life cheated on me. I had to move out. I can't live like this. I don't ever want to see him again. It's devastating. I was living in Worcester, Massachusetts at this point in time. Truly not living my best life, but thinking I was. So he says to me, okay, Heather, you've been doing an amazing job here for the last year. I can tell you're ready for a move. Would you be willing to board a plane with me and move somewhere for the biggest financial opportunity and business opportunity of your life?
Starting point is 00:16:14 I looked in straight in the eyes and I said yes. The only reason I said yes was because that man had cheated on me and I wanted to do whatever it takes to escape that painful feeling and not wanting to run into him again. I boarded that plane. He dropped me off in Saginaw, Michigan. Who that was?
Starting point is 00:16:35 A tough one. Definitely not a destination location. But for me, it was. We bought a $25 million company. And in under three years, I escalated revenues, I upgraded my team, and we sold that company for $55 million. And under three years, netting us a $30 million game. That put my name on the map and business and in the media business where I was working
Starting point is 00:17:02 at the time. And that opened doors. I would have never had opened for me before, and led me to a publicly-traded company, to a much bigger job, much bigger platform. Cut to a couple of years ago. I was at a wedding with a bunch of people I grew up with, and the guy that cheated on me was there.
Starting point is 00:17:22 And I'm here to tell you today, it was an incredible moment to see. That person was never meant for me. It was so different years later with all its perspective. And I finally understood, you might not be able to connect the dots looking forward. But when you look back, those hardest moments,
Starting point is 00:17:44 the moments that you think are the hardest, are actually the biggest gifts. And that rejection is only redirection to something so much bigger if you allow it. And that set me on a completely different trajectory and course in my life. And I'm so grateful for that moment. It's a comfortable circle.
Starting point is 00:18:03 I'll never forget when my son was in elementary school and had a little girl that was his girlfriend. They would chat on, you know, social media together and on text. And one day he came home crying and said, Mom, she's dating my friend now. Well, I ever find another girl. And I shared that story with him. And I explained to him, you can't understand what's happening in this moment because you can't see those dots connecting, but years later you will and cut to today. He sees this girl all the time. They become great friends and I'm just asking you this to remind yourself the next time you're going through it and we all do, you can't see where those dots will connect, but you will in the future have faith. That's a fact.
Starting point is 00:18:49 Okay, the next one I want to share with you is a three-step process. So I'm giving you a little bit more, but this is a three-step process that I wrote about in Overcome Your Villains. It's my back process. It works every time, anytime, and all the time. You have a challenge in front of you. I'm going to use the example of getting fired, right? I explained that I had made it to the top.
Starting point is 00:19:09 I was named one of the most influential women in radio in 2017. And unexpectedly, three weeks later, I was fired. The CEO I had worked for for 14 years, who had elevated me three different times and supported me so much in that journey. He became ill and he decided to elevate his daughter to replace him. She was my arch-nemesis and she fired me immediately with a big smile on her face. Now I'm going to break the back process down for you using this low moment, low moment, ended up being a big redirection, not a rejection. But at the time, when you take that gut punch, it sucks, right? Let's say what it really is, it feels like a rejection, and you can't see the dots
Starting point is 00:19:57 connecting yet so you don't know where to go. Well, for me, I got fired. I was a single mother at the time, providing for my son, living a lifestyle that I had created off of making a lot of money. And suddenly, I didn't know where my next paycheck was going to come from. I had an 18 month non-compete and I couldn't work in the industry that I had expertise in. I was going to have to start over somewhere as a beginner. I was gonna have to start over somewhere as a beginner. And starting over as a beginner as you know, can be really humbling and really scary. And I was full of fear.
Starting point is 00:20:34 So here's where my back process comes from. The day that I got fired, I walked out of that woman's office, and I started saying, I've lost everything. I have nothing, I've lost everything. I have nothing. I've lost everything. Okay, this is the moment that we need to pump the brakes and we need to take a look at and dismantle whatever belief you're holding, right? So write this down. Belief is number one. When you're in it, when you're in that moment where you need your mental toughness, take a look at that belief and
Starting point is 00:21:04 distill it down to whatever most simplistic shred of fact you can find. And I'll tell you oftentimes, there is none. So for me, I sat down and said, okay, what fact is here? Did I lose everything? Well, no, I didn't lose my network. I didn't lose my expertise. I didn't lose my business acumen. I didn't lose my personality, my character. I didn't lose my values. I didn't lose my friends and family. I didn't lose anything. I lost a paycheck. And once I broke that belief, I lost everything. Down to the most simplistic fact I could find, which was I did lose a paycheck.
Starting point is 00:21:46 It reminded me years before I had worked for other companies, I had had other paychecks. I had worked in high school, I worked in college, I had worked in my 20s, I had worked for so many other companies and had found ways to drive revenue. I just didn't know where it would come from this time. I could choose to see that as an opportunity and to be so real with you. could choose to see that as an opportunity.
Starting point is 00:22:05 And to be so real with you, I still wasn't seeing as an opportunity, but I was reminding myself, this is a choice. I can choose how I'm going to look at this. All right, so number one, I'm pleased to still it down to the most simplistic shred of fact possible. Big one, number two, immediately take action. And a lot of people get hung up on this one. It's so important to know. Messy action is fantastic, right? There is no such thing as perfect. It doesn't need to be perfectly planned out. It needs to be done. Done will always be better than perfect. And that is a truth you can own. So my action stuff was, I'm going to post on social media. And I posted, Heather Monahan was just fired.
Starting point is 00:22:47 That's me, I've just been fired. And if I've ever done anything for you, I need to hear from you now. That post went viral and landed me on the Elvis Tarantha. Okay, so here's the thing. I didn't know what was gonna happen. I knew people were gonna think I was crazy for putting this post up, right? How many of you have haters out there? I got a lot of them, right? So the haters are going to come for you. You're
Starting point is 00:23:12 going to take action and put yourself out there. However you see it, whatever your intuition speaks into you is what you need to do. Take that action. People called me and they said, Heather, you look crazy. You look pathetic. You've got to fire. No, no, no. Take that down. Delete that. And I checked in with the one voice and opinion that matters. And that's your own. And something inside of me said, leave that post up. It's my truth. I didn't do anything wrong. I don't feel full of shame that I got fired. In fact, I'm going to flip the script on the shame. And when you start doing that, you start extinguishing the shame in your life and showing up as a more powerful and real version of you. Flip it now. So I put it to work for me. I left that post up, that post went
Starting point is 00:24:03 by all right. That was number two. Take action, take messy action, done will be better than perfect. It landed me on the Elvis Durant show in front of someone whose light years ahead of me, right? This man has millions of listeners tuning into him every single day and is incredibly successful. He's found his way, he knows what he's doing. Unlike me at the time, I had no idea what to do next. I sat in front of him halfway through that interview, he says to me, well, Heather, obviously you're writing a book, but I wasn't writing a book. How many of you grew up with a sibling that was a smart one?
Starting point is 00:24:39 Anyone out there? Oh yeah, you're my people, right? My sister was the smart one, perfect score in her SATs. I was a social one. Well, in these moments, another lesson I learned is you've gotta drop the labels and drop the stories. You've been hanging on to since you were a kid. And thankfully, this man spoke of conviction
Starting point is 00:25:00 and a truth and a confidence in me that I decided to grab bold of and run with it. I jumped on a plane leaving New York, heading back to Miami and I googled, how do you write a book? This is where knowledge comes into play and this is number three in my back process. Remember beliefs was number one to still and down to the most simplistic shred of facts you can find. Number two, take messy action.
Starting point is 00:25:22 Done will always be better than perfect, and number three, knowledge. Be really intentional and thoughtful about who you are surrounding yourself with for knowledge in these moments, during the tough times more than ever. I couldn't turn to my family and ask them if I should write a book, they'd never written a book.
Starting point is 00:25:41 Don't take direction from people who haven't been where you are going. I chose Don't take direction from people who haven't been where you are going. I chose not to take knowledge from people who hadn't been there yet. I took it from Elvisterian, someone who was light years ahead of me in a business I thought was so exciting and so interested in. And I decided to say, this is a knowledge I want to surround myself with. I curated the knowledge. I chose who I would listen to. And I ask you to do the same. When you hit those low moments, those tough times
Starting point is 00:26:09 that you need your mental toughness, one of the most critical things is who and what you're listening to. Always listen to the one voice that counts your own and then start tuning into people who have been where you are going. When you surround yourself with those people, even if it's just social media
Starting point is 00:26:25 or watching their TED Talks or reading their books, reading their books, or just accessing their content or being here today, this is the knowledge that you want to surround yourself with. These are the people you want to surround yourself with. These are the people they're going to help you up level and leapfrog ahead, all the challenges in front of you. So be really intentional about it,
Starting point is 00:26:45 turn down the noise on the haters, turn down the noise on those that are giving you bad advice, even when they love you, and start amplifying the voices of the people who have been where you want to go and you will get there so much faster. That's my recent process, back, release, action, knowledge.
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Starting point is 00:28:24 USAA, get a quote today. Final thing I wanna leave you with today. I wanna leave you with this short story about what you focus on is what you will create. And this is a truth that I want you to remember. My son, like, I'm sure many of you, after a year and a half of Zoom School was not doing well
Starting point is 00:28:46 and had to go for the first time ever to an academic camp. He was not excited about it. At that time, he was 13 years old. I think he was 13 or maybe, no, 13. He was 13 years old. And so he had to pack for this month-long camp and knew, Hampshire, we live in Miami,
Starting point is 00:29:02 not his best life, right? These were not the best moments. He was really upset and he walked out with his suitcase, came out to living room and he was frustrated and looked at me and said, it's not going to work. I can only bring one bag and I can't fit everything in on the list of things I need. I can't go.
Starting point is 00:29:18 This isn't going to work. And he was so fixated that the bag couldn't fit one more thing. He had parachuted, to get in there. And I came out from a really different perspective. And I looked and thought, there's got to be a way. And I kept saying, there's got to be a way. It's just a pair of shoes. There's got to be a way.
Starting point is 00:29:35 And I'm walking around the bag. And I flipped the bag over. And all of a sudden, I saw there was one of those zippers that when you unzip it, the bag pops up, Elevates and creates all the space additional space that you didn't previously see. I popped that zipper up. I looked at them and I said I knew there got a call that no parent ever wants to get. There's sons in the emergency room. He's broken his arm and I thought, okay, that's it. I mean, obviously I need to go get him out of this camp.
Starting point is 00:30:14 He can't stay in an academic camp if he can't, right? This is crazy. And so I jumped on a plane and went to the hamster, rented a car and drove, however far it was crazy. It took a while to get there. Let's put it that way, right? So by the time I got there, it's a couple days later, I walk into the camp to pick up my son and he walks out of camp without a bag without the bag we passed. And I said, what's going on? And he said, I'm staying. Let's go to dinner. I'll explain. And we went to dinner and he said to And he said, I'm staying. Let's go to dinner, all explain.
Starting point is 00:30:45 And we went to dinner and he said to me, mom, I taught myself how to write with my other hand. I taught myself how to shower with one arm. I taught myself how to eat with the other hand. I figured out how to do it. I focused on the solutions instead of focusing on a challenge. I didn't come this far to only come this far. I am finishing this course, getting these credits
Starting point is 00:31:08 and going back so I'm all set for school next year. So I wanna leave you with this. I was in awe of that, but it also reminded me how we show up for our kids and the people we care about in our life is how they will in turn show up in theirs. So think to yourself when you need the motivation, how am I leading my family? How am I leading the people who are closest to me?
Starting point is 00:31:29 And if I can show up on those tough days, when we're arguing and they really just need a hug, or maybe they need me to be the one to say, what we focus on is what we will create, let's find a solution, we know it's here, and then you'll find your zipper. I hope those three different ideas help you. You can't connect the dots, looking forward.
Starting point is 00:31:46 You can only connect them looking back. My three step back process from overcome your villains. Yes, it's my newest book. You can get it anywhere. And then finally, what you focus on is what you will create. Ben Newman, you're the best. Thanks so much for having me. Hope that I added some value to you.
Starting point is 00:32:02 Catch up with me anywhere. Heather Monahan would love to hear from you, and I hope you enjoyed the rest of the day. I'm gonna make a move with you. I decided to change that tiny amount, and the light fell out. I couldn't be more inside of the world once you're getting here, start learning and growing.
Starting point is 00:32:18 And inevitably something will happen. You know what? 16 to 11. You don't stop to look around once in a while. You can miss it. I'm on this journey with me. At a time when change is constant and we are pulled in far too many directions, we need a way to stay present to life and to increase our ability to remain calm, think clearly, and maintain
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