Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan - Confidence Classic: How To Hold Yourself To A HIGHER Standard Of Excellence TODAY With Alan Stein Jr., Speaker, Author, & Organizational Performance Coach

Episode Date: October 31, 2024

In This Episode You Will Learn About:  Holding yourself to a higher standard   Getting in tune with yourself  Continuous growth and how to keep growing no matter what  Hacks for handling stress & burnout  Resources: Website: alansteinjr.com & strongerteam.com  Read Sustain Your Game Call: 704-965-2339  LinkedIn & Facebook: @Alan Stein Jr.   Instagram: @alansteinjr Twitter: @AlanSteinJr Sign up for a one-dollar-per-month trial period at shopify.com/monahan Download the CFO’s Guide to AI and Machine Learning at NetSuite.com/MONAHAN. Want to do more and spend less like Uber, 8x8, and Databricks Mosaic? Take a free test drive of OCI at oracle.com/MONAHAN. Get 10% off your first Mitopure order at timeline.com/CONFIDENCE. Get 15% off your first order when you use code CONFIDENCE15 at checkout at jennikayne.com. Call my digital clone at 201-897-2553!  Visit heathermonahan.com Reach out to me on Instagram & LinkedIn Sign up for my mailing list: heathermonahan.com/mailing-list/  Overcome Your Villains is Available NOW! Order here: https://overcomeyourvillains.com  If you haven't yet, get my first book Confidence Creator Show Notes:  The standard we hold ourselves to today, defines who we will become tomorrow! Start holding yourself accountable. By expanding your self awareness you can maximize your organizational skills and avoid burnout TODAY! Successful performance coach, Alan Stein Jr. is here with us to share what choices we can make to expand our capabilities and reach our fullest potential. Discover how to optimize your strengths and become the BEST version of yourself!

Steph Curry will go down in history as the greatest shooter the game has ever seen. And I want folks to know that's not by accident and it's not by luck. It's not even because his dad played in the NBA. It's because Steph is willing to hold himself to an unparalleled standard. And that's one of the messages that I'm always trying to share, that the standards we set for ourselves and our lives today, determine who will be tomorrow. And when people hold themselves to that level of excellence, they're going to achieve.

I'm on this journey with me each week. When you join me, you're going to chase down our goals, overcome adversity and set you up for a better tomorrow. I'm ready for my closeup. Tell me, have you been enjoying these new bonus confidence classics episodes? We've been dropping on you every week? We've literally hundreds of episodes for you to listen to.

So these bonuses are a great way to help you find the ones you may have already missed. I hope you love this one as much as I do. I'm so excited for you to meet my guest today, Alan Stein Jr. He's an experienced keynote speaker and author. At his core, he's a performance coach with a passion for helping others change behaviors. Who doesn't want that? He spent 15 plus years working with the highest performing basketball players on the planet, including NBA superstars, Kevin Durant, Steph Curry and Kobe Bryant. Where is my son right now? He would love to meet Alan.

Through his customized programs, he transfers his unique expertise to maximize both individual and organizational performance. Alan is a dynamic storyteller who delivers a practical, actual lesson that can be implemented immediately. He teaches proven principles on how to utilize the same approaches in business

that elite athletes use to perform at a world-class level. His previous clients include American Express, Pepsi, Starbucks, and so many others. He's also the author of Raise Your Game, High Performance Secrets from the Best of the Best, and his new book, Sustain Your Game. Alan, thank you so much for being here with us today. Oh, it's my pleasure.

It's so lovely to be with you. All right, so let's get into it. All right, first of all, I hope this doesn't come across me. And anytime that I'm gonna leave with that, you're like, oh boy, what is she gonna hit me with? Here's the thing that I find so interesting about people who have coached NBA athletes. So let me tee it up for you.

I was in business in corporate America. I was in the C-suite for 25 years, right? So I have a lot of expertise in business, strong business acumen. Now I'm out on my own. People will hire me to consult their, you know, businesses, coach them in business. I've walked the walk, right?

I've done it. People aren't asking me to coach them on NBA sports because I don't know how to do that. How do people like you and David Nurse, who weren't high performing NBA all-stars, coach NBA all-stars literally? How does that happen? Well, first and foremost, it starts with a self-awareness and that I know what it is that I do well and I also know what things I don't do well. And I'm also a big believer in the fundamentals and the basics. And there are a series of principles that apply to everybody walking the earth, whether you're an NBA All-Star or you're someone in corporate America or a mother or father,

these principles of high utility, they know no boundaries. And those are really the areas that I've worked to have a much higher understanding of. So I can teach folks how to apply those to their specific area of expertise. But as far as your specific question, I was very fortunate that my journey led me into two different directions. The first was I specialized actually in working

with middle school and high school age players. That was really my sweet spot, but I was able to work at two different high schools here in the Washington DC area that have combined, put over a dozen players in the NBA, Kevin Durant being the most notable. So I had an opportunity to start working with elite level players when they were teenagers,

13, 14 years old. And I got to see what it took for them to climb that proverbial mountain and reach the top of their craft. That led to work with Nike and Jordan Brand and USA Basketball. And then I had an opportunity to work events for players that were already on top of the mountain. You're LeBron James, Stephen Curry, Kobe Bryant. And I got to see what those guys did to sustain excellence. So I've had a peek on either side of the curtain, and I got to see what those guys did to sustain excellence. So I've had a peek on either side of the curtain,

what it takes to get to the top and what it takes to stay there. And I focus on those principles and strategies and approaches and translating them to everyone else. So the fact that I was not an NBA caliber player doesn't detract from the ability to still teach these fundamental principles. So what were some of the principles that you learned when you were observing, for example,

an up and coming Kevin Durant? What's the difference between him and the other players that were alongside of him that I would assume had similar level of talent? What separates the greatest from the average? I'm so glad you went in that direction because there are a handful of things and this is what gives me just eternal optimism, is the things I'm about to share with you are things that any of us can choose to do. We can't choose to be 610. We can't choose to be unbelievably athletic, but we can choose to do the things that I'll

share with you now. And the very first one I kind of teed up just a moment ago is they have a very strong appreciation and respect for the fundamentals. They respect the basics. The very first one I kind of teed up just a moment ago is they have a very strong appreciation and respect for the fundamentals. They respect the basics. They understand that the basics and the fundamentals will create the foundation to which the rest of the house is built.

And they don't try to skip steps. They really embrace the fundamentals. The second characteristic, while these guys have earned confidence through putting in work during the unseen hours, they all remain humble. And when you combine humility with confidence, it allows you to stay open to coaching. It allows you to stay open to feedback.

These players crave people in their life that can make them better. Just like the folks that you work with, they crave your expertise. They want you to expose some of the blind spots that they have. They want to learn from you because they know that puts them on the path to continuous growth and development and evolution. And that's what these players, they want. And when you can combine a respect and appreciation for the basics with the humility and openness to being coached and always trying to work on yourself and get better, then you throw in some unbelievable physical talent as far as basketball is concerned, and you have the

recipe for somebody that's as good as Kevin Durant. And have you ever had an instance where you're working with an NBA player where they weren't humble? Oh, absolutely. I work really hard never to say anything to demean or diminish someone, especially those that I've had relationships with. But for every Kevin Durant, who I do believe has done everything to maximize his potential, I could easily list three or four that had equal potential, if you will, but they tried to skip steps. They insulated themselves with people that were hanger honors and weren't there for their own best interest. They lacked humility to the point where they would siphon themselves off from coaches and trainers

because they thought they had already arrived. They thought they were already, they thought they were complete. And I'm a big believer, and I know this is for me in particular, I mean, I'm always gonna be a work in progress. I'm always working to grow. You're never gonna put me under museum glass

because I will never be a finished product. And I actually enjoy the work. I enjoy the journey and I enjoy the process. And that's something that I've learned from these high performers. But yeah, there's been a long list of those that had all of the raw materials to be tremendous and they never quite actualized it. And I have nothing but empathy and compassion for them. Because again, I met most of these guys when they were 12, 13, 14 years old. And when you're that age, there's so many other influences that impact which direction you go. I'm the father of three young children and I know how influential the adults are in my children's lives. And that's

why my ex-wife and I try to surround them with people that are going to help put them on the right path. But I'm very well aware of the fact that if they got in with the wrong crowd or they were being led by people that did not have their best interests at heart, they could easily go down the wrong path, just like any of these other players. So I say that with love, no judgment whatsoever for these guys that never quite made it. So interesting, when you were describing some of these people who maybe at this juncture of their career, you know, weren't being incredibly humble. You also described that they had hangar honors around them, and that maybe they weren't

open to coaching thinking they didn't need it. And when you were describing that, immediately what popped into my head was corporate America thinking of some of the leaders that, or quote unquote, leaders, you know, C-suite title, who I know that surrounded themselves with yes men. They never wanted to be challenged on anything. I used to call it the emperor wears no clothes, that whole, you know, they literally wanted to be able to stand naked all the time and have people pretend that this person's fully dressed. And it would drive me crazy to see these cultures versus, you know, I had been in healthy cultures where, please challenge us.

Like, we'd love to hear your thoughts on it and where do you think we're going wrong? And then finding out over time, because in any moment, someone will look like they're at the top of the hill and the stock's performing incredibly well. And, you know, it looks like, well, I guess she does know what she's doing. And then a few years later,

you see that trajectory change in a huge way. So suddenly I'm seeing the parallels for you between the NBA and corporate America. Oh, man. Yeah, you're 100% right on point with that. And ultimately, if you dig deeper, that's always rooted in some type of insecurity. It's the egos at play. And unfortunately, the way people try to pad their ego and hide their insecurities and mask that, mask their flaws and mask the fact that they're fallible

is they do insulate themselves with people that tell them exactly what they want to hear. And I've always been of the belief that a good friend, a good teacher, a good parent, a good coach, a good leader will care enough to hold you accountable and tell you the things you need to hear, not just the things that you want to hear. And that's where some of this would start

with some of these younger players is adults would see the potential, and I literally mean money making potential in a 13 or 14 year old that has MBA aspirations. And they would just tell that kid how great they were all of the time, would not discipline them and would tell them how great they're going to be because they had the hidden agenda

of wanting that payoff in the future. And while I try and live my life without labels or putting judgment on people, boy, that's a tough environment for a young person to grow up in. If all they're told is how great they are, they can do no wrong and nobody disciplines them. I'm a huge believer that disciplines

what leads to freedom, discipline is the first step to all of the things that we covet in life. Whether you're talking about success and achievement, or you're talking about inner peace and fulfillment, it starts with discipline. And I was taught by a coach when I was really young and I'll forever be grateful.

He said, Allen, if you learn to discipline yourself, then others won't have to discipline you. And that just really resonated with me. So I've, for most of my life, I've really been in to my own habits, my work habits, my routines, my process, if you will. And I've had plenty of bumps along the way and certainly want to go on record saying with any of the stuff I share from stage or in my books, I'm not speaking from a place of mastery. These are all things that I'm still continuing to work on and heighten, but that's all part of being that work in progress. But I'm proud of the progress I have made.

I love the path that I'm on, and I love an ability to interact with high performers like you, where I can learn new things and continue this journey. So for that, I'm thankful. I'm thankful that I never went down the wrong path. Okay. You brought up routines, which is an interesting topic to me, because I know a lot of people, for example, Jesse Itzler, incredibly successful entrepreneur, only eats fruits until noon every day and will never step out of that routine. Right. Certain people have these very strict routines. I'm not that kind of a person, right? So I find it interesting to see for me breaking a routine when I sometimes I fall into

a routine, I don't realize it and breaking it is what helps me get to the next level. Random example, I just put my house up for sale and I have someone that cleans my house, I clean my house, if my son picks up his room, I literally purge everything out of my house that I hadn't done in years. And it's been the most freeing feeling that I want this to be a new routine that allow nothing that unless I'm using it daily, I don't want anything in my space anymore

because it really has brought a totally different feeling, not only to my home, but to myself as well. So I kind of believe in break routines and step out and try different things so you can expose or at least experience something different. What are your thoughts on routines? Oh my gosh, there's so much gold in what you just said and so many things we could double down on. And first and foremost, I just love the fact that you have the self-awareness to know how you operate best. Jesse Itzler has the self-awareness to know how he operates best. And that those two things between you guys,

there might be some overlap, but there'll also be some stark differences. So the key is just making sure that we're all in tune with ourselves and know what we need to do to show up as our best self. I know ever since I was a child, I love structure, I love consistency, I love routine. Those things give me comfort. I love knowing when I go to bed tonight, how, everybody needs to follow this morning routine.

There's an issue with that because I don't believe there's a one size fits all for everyone. I think everyone needs to find that that rhythm and I'm constantly tweaking and trying new things. You know, you're somebody that I really admire and respect and if I learned that you do something in your morning routine that helps you, I may give it a try for a couple of weeks. I may infuse it in my routine and see how I respond. And if I feel like it lifts me up, then it's something I'll keep. If I find that it's not a great fit for me, then it's something I can say, hey, I checked that off the box and I tried it. So to me, the most important part is just figuring out

what you need to do to be at your best and to take it back to the NBA players. Right now at the time of this recording, we're at the start of the NBA playoffs. And if the Golden State Warriors were playing tonight, I know they played last night, I can promise you that Steph Curry has a pregame routine that includes everything from the start of his day

to the actual tip off. It includes what he's gonna eat, when he's gonna show up at the arena, what he's gonna do when he gets there. None of that is going to be haphazard. There's no chance that two hours before tip-off, Stephen Curry is wandering the streets of San Francisco wondering what he's going to eat for dinner. He's already mapped that out and figured it out. Now, what he does to prepare for a game may be different than anybody else on his team, but he's honed that. So the most important part is just, we just have to always be tinkering with that Rubik's

Cube and figuring out how we can be our best selves. And what I do right now for my morning routine has some similarities to, but it's not identical to what I was doing two years ago, because I've continued to make tweaks because I learned from people like yourself. I love that you don't think there's this one size fits all mentality. I so don't agree with that. I mean, again, when you go back to NBA, right, you need to learn the basics. You need to be disciplined. You need to practice it. There's some things that are going to apply if you want you go back to NBA, right, you need to learn the basics. You need to be disciplined. You need to practice it.

There are some things that are gonna apply if you wanna be successful in anything, of course. However, it doesn't have to be the exact same recipe like Jesse, it's like, I'm not eating fruit for 12 hours a day or whatever. That thing is that really works well for him. So I appreciate that you're open to that idea. Because you brought up Steph Curry,

I have to bring up something that was super powerful that my son learned. My son's a huge NBA fan, learned from Steph Curry. He buys all Steph Curry's products or whatever. So one day my son said to me, ''Mom, I have a game tonight. I need you to write on my shoe with a Sharpie.'' I thought, ''This is so crazy. Why am I writing on a shoe with a Sharpie?

What do you want me to say? And he said, I want you to say, I can do all things. And I wrote it down on the shoe and I'm like, go, we were late for, it's six, three in the morning, we're late for school already, you know, whatever. And then when I was driving home, I was really thinking about, wow, what did this mean? And so he and I had a discussion later on

and he said to me, mom, I can go into a game feeling super confident and pumped up, but maybe by hal time I'm not playing up to my ability and I'm getting discouraged. I need to be able to look down at my shoe and remind myself who I am and what you know I'm capable of, and then come to find out an NBA player told me one day that that's actually a verse from the Bible, which I had no idea, and actually my son learned all of this from Steph Curry, who has this routine of writing notes and messaging on the products that he creates for kids. And I just thought that was such a powerful lesson to learn from someone who is at the top of the mountain. Oh, absolutely.

I know as a parent that had to fill your bucket being able to do that and then kind of connect all of the dots and what a nice moment for you and your son. And I'll tell you a quick story. You should please share this with your son. So back in 2007, I had a chance to work the Kobe Bryant Skills Academy for Nike. And they brought in the best high school

and college players from around the country for an intense camp with Kobe. And one of the college counselors was Stephen Curry. But this was after his sophomore year. This was before he blew up and became the Steph Curry that the whole world knows. At that time, no one really knew who he was. He looked like he was 13 years old at the time, so he lacked the physical stature and maturity of the other players. And he didn't have the resume of the other college players. Most of the other college

players were from blue chip programs like UNC and Kentucky and Duke. And here's Stephen Curry's coming from Davidson, which again, it's hard for us to fathom now, but back in 2007, very few people outside of the state of North Carolina even knew that Davidson was a school. And coaching staff could tell though, there was something really different about Steph. And at the end of the first workout, he came up, he introduced himself to me and he said, coach, will you rebound for me? Because I don't leave the gym until I swish five fritos in a row. Swish five fritos in a row. You can ask your son, Heather, he'll tell you, swishing five fritos in a row is an incredibly high standard. I mean, a swish by definition is a perfect shot. And Steph had such a high standard of excellence that even if he swished four in a

row and hit just a little bit of the that even if he swished four in a row and hit just a little bit of the rim on the fifth one, it would still go in. He'd still be five for five. He'd still be mathematically perfect. That wasn't good enough for him. He'd start over. And if memory serves, it never took him longer than 12 to 15 minutes to swish five in a row. And I'm sure your son will agree with me. Steph Curry will go down in history as the greatest shooter the game has ever seen. And I want folks to know that's not by accident and it's not by luck.

It's not even because his dad played in the NBA. It's because Steph is willing to hold himself to an unparalleled standard. And that's one of the messages that I'm always trying to share that the standards we set for ourselves and our lives today determine who will be tomorrow. And of course, at that time, I had no idea Stephen Curry was going to literally change the game. But now that I've been able to have a backseat and watch him do that,

I'm not even remotely surprised when people hold themselves to that level of excellence, they're going to achieve. That is so impressive. And it just reminds me of, I was speaking at an event a couple of months ago with Tim Story, who's been on every major stage in the world with Oprah Winfrey and the biggest speakers that are out there. He watched me speak and then he closed the event. So I stayed to watch him speak and then we met after.

And obviously he's much further ahead than I am in the speaking business. And when I sat with him, I said, I want your advice. How do I get to that next level? How can I get to your level? And it was so interesting to hear. Now, this is someone literally got the biggest standing ovation of the day. People were chasing him out as if he was the second coming. I mean, people lost their minds about this man in a way I have not seen before at a speaking event. And so's at the top of the mountain and I say, what is this magic trick I need? It was so funny. He said,

you need to practice. I said, Tim, I've been speaking for 25 years. I put the reps in, believe you me, I've practiced. He said, that's not what I'm asking you to do. He said, guess how long I practiced for my speech today? I said, 20 minutes? I don't know. Reviewed your notes. He said, five hours, Heather.

Five hours from a man who was the number one speaker at this event and one of the number one speakers in the world. And to hear that, that lesson really landed with me. And it's funny, I'm working with a company and they're holding their first big webinar for all employees and all customers. And you know, it's a really significant event for them.

And when I was meeting with the CEO this week, I said, listen, I want to go through what you're going to say at the event. I want you to do it live for me on Zoom, basically, I want you to practice and I'm holding you accountable. And he looked up and he said, well, you want me to do this speech for you? And I said, yes. He said, Heather, I haven't even done it for myself yet. And I said, oh, dude, I can't believe that like it was like it was a little kid we're a week out of this event and he hadn't even written it down or practice once on his own. And I said, I'm not letting you fail. We're going to meet three times this week. Then you're going to practice this thing every single day. And I know once he does that,

he's going to do a great job next week. But had he not done that, he would have never been performing at the level that he could have. Oh no, man, that is such an awesome story. I'm so glad that you shared that. And the part that I love most about it is that Tim didn't share something with you that would be impossible for any of us to do. He didn't have some magic formula

that we could say, oh well, I wasn't born with that. I guess I can't do it. What he laid out is something all of us are capable of doing now. Ninety nine point nine percent of people will choose not to put in the same level of preparation and will choose not to put in five hours of practice for a one hour keynote and will choose not to do the same things, but ultimately, if they hold themselves accountable and they hold that mirror up, they'll realize that was a choice. And I love the fact that we can connect those dots. When I look at the handful of things that I really wanna make sure that my children understand,

the purposeful practice during the unseen hours is a requirement of getting good at anything. It doesn't matter if you wanna be an elite level speaker, if you wanna get good at the piano, or you wanna be a great basketball player player or anything in between, we have to put in purposeful practice. And yeah, I think that's absolutely amazing. And it's a lesson we can all pull from and very similar to we shouldn't all try to have

the same morning or evening routine. Tim's formula of rehearsing five hours, that might not be the same for everybody. You might find that 90 minutes of intense focus preparation puts you in the right zone to deliver a standing ovation worthy keynote. So one of the dangers, and I know you're aware of this, but just to make sure your listeners know is when we play the comparison game and we play the comparison game, we play it in a variety of different ways. What someone else has achieved different ways. You know, what someone else has achieved versus what we've achieved,

what someone else has versus what we have, and what someone else does versus what we do. And we can use those things to inspire us and motivate us and fill our buckets, but we just have to be very careful that we don't use them to drain ourselves and to make ourselves feel less than or feel unworthy. You know, because I can promise you,

you have stepped off stage before and people are looking at you with the same love and reverence that you were just looking at, Tim. So it's really important that we hold ourselves in high regard and know that we're worthy of standing ovations and being excellent as well, as long as we earn that right by putting in the purposeful practice.

Great point. The way I like to say it is make sure those rose-colored glasses that you put on when you look at somebody else, you also put them on when you look in the mirror because like you said, there are people looking at us that way and we do need to remind ourselves that. Okay, so you have made some big leaps. You made this leap into coaching the most elite athletes in the world. Then you made this leap into business and coaching these CEOs. And then you made the leap into becoming an author.

When you've made these big transitions to really scary situations, I would imagine your confidence was challenged. How did you show up as your most confident self in these different pivotal moves? Oh boy, you're not kidding. And there have certainly been times where my confidence was not that high.

And the very first step, and you actually just teed it up so perfectly before when you were talking about the rose colored glasses, I've worked really hard to learn how to be kind to myself and compassionate to myself. I work really hard to talk to myself the same way I would talk to a friend or a loved one or a colleague.

It's been my experience that a lot of high performers, and I was definitely guilty of this in my younger years, are very critical of themselves. When they make a mistake, yeah, they pile it on. They add on shame and guilt and they beat themselves up. I know you and I are just now meeting. We're just getting acquainted. But hypothetically, let's just say we've been really good friends for 10 years. And you call me up and say, boy, Alan, I had a tough day today. My keynote didn't go as well as I'd like. I got in an argument with my son over something pretty trivial.

I submitted this proposal to a publisher and it got denied. It's been a rough day. As your friend, I would lead with empathy and compassion. I would let you know, don't worry about it, Heather. You are good enough. Today was a tough day. But today is always over tomorrow. I know you got this because I believe in you and I would do everything I can to comfort you. We need to talk to ourselves the same way, because as much as I would do that for you as your friend, historically, I've piled it on myself

and I would beat myself up and question whether I'm good enough or question whether I belong. And that not only doesn't serve a valuable purpose, it's also exhausting. So I've learned to let myself make mistakes. I'm flawed, I'm human, I'm fallible. I've learned to be okay with not being okay. And I know that even in low times or low moods or when I don't perform at my best, that is temporary.

And that I can choose to learn from that situation and do something moving forward. That's been a huge help for me. Now, once again, I haven't mastered that. I still have moments where I find myself reverting to old behavior, but at least now I have an awareness of it. And I'm a huge believer that you'll never fix something you're unaware of, you'll never improve something

you're oblivious to. So now when I find myself with the negative self-talk, I catch it really quickly. You know, in a matter of 15 seconds, I can go, whoa, Alan, come on, give yourself some love. That you're not helping yourself out here. And I can usually course correct pretty quick, but that's absolutely something that is the impetus

to starting confidence. And then I believe, and I know you are the confidence expert, but I believe that confidence comes from two things. One, it comes from demonstrated performance. When we do something, we show ourselves that we're competent. So when Steph Curry swishes five fritos every day after practice, when he gets in the game, he knows that he can make that free throw

because he's done it a million times. And I also believe it comes from our self-talk. And I try to only say things to myself that move me forward and pump me up. I hold myself to a high level of accountability, but I don't beat myself up. So I try to talk to myself with empowering language that's gonna add to my confidence.

And this is not false bravado. This is not telling myself I'm better than I am. I'm real with myself and I'm honest with myself, but I'm kind to myself. Oh my gosh, that's so funny. So when you were describing that, I'm thinking I have been very, very tough on myself my whole life, or, you know, just like you're saying a lot of type A, you know, overachievers fall into that category where you beat yourself up.

Cause you expect so much from yourself. And that's definitely me. And like you have a work in progress, but my half was, I remember after I had my son giving birth was such a great thing that happened to my life. I started saying, okay, if I want him to grow up and speak kindly to himself, then I need to start speaking kindly to myself. So I would challenge myself to say, instead of saying, you idiot, why did you blow that? Because I literally would talk to myself like that for years. I would say, how would you speak to your son? It's okay that you did. I would change the tone of voice.

I would change the decibel level I was speaking at. I would empathize. So I started stopping myself and saying, it's okay. You've got another shot. This is how we learn. This is how we get better. I'm proud of you. And then it's so funny, Alan, last week,

my son had a trip to Washington, DC. It was school, it was a big deal, eighth grade, big event. And before he left, I said to him, listen, obey the teacher. There's one teacher you need to pay attention to the rules, you can do this, you got this, it's gonna be great, have a great time, but respect the rules. Of course, I get a phone call one morning and it's his teacher and he says, yeah, I have your son here. He snuck out after cutoff last night, the hotel room. I said, put him on the phone. Flames were coming out of my head

and my face because I was so, I couldn't believe this kid knew better, right? How I couldn't believe he did this. I started yelling and I said, I cannot believe this. You will be on the next flight home. If you break one more rule, I lit this kid up. So they put the teacher back on. I said, I don't think you're gonna have another problem. Call me if you do. But then the whole day, Allen, I was eating myself up inside that I can't believe. I've been challenging myself to speak to me the way that I speak to him.

And here I am speaking terrible to him, even though I was disappointed, but all day it was driving me crazy. And you get one chance to speak to them at night for five minutes. They don't have their phones on the trip. So he calls me at night and I said, honey, I just wanted to say something. As you know, I was very upset this morning.

I overreacted. I shouldn't have raised my voice with you. However, I am still disappointed in your choices and I know you can make better ones. So I just wanted to tell you, I believe in you, I love you, and you're going to make better choices today and tomorrow. And I felt so much better about myself after, but it took me to your point, we have to be kind to ourselves.

I did not respond the best way that I could. I overreacted, I course corrected when I got the next chance. And I didn't beat myself up about it. Actually, I haven't thought about it until right now, but it's like this process that we're all going through, just trying to be self-aware, trying to say, oh, I could have handled this better. I'm going to go ahead and make it right when I can. Oh, God, what a beautiful story. And, you know, the best part of that was,

I mean, there were so many great parts of that. But even within the story, you taught him an incredibly important lesson unconsciously. And that is we're all fallible, we all make mistakes. Even your mother will make a mistake. And when I do, I'm going to acknowledge it. I'm going to apologize for it. I'm gonna make amends, but I'm going to move on and we're gonna learn from it. And for you to be able to give yourself that grace

is important. I mean, when you look at all of the hats that you wear, podcast host, author, speaker, business owner, all the things you do, I mean, being a mother is arguably the most challenging. I know being a father is incredibly challenging. There really is no handbook for any of this. We're trying to figure it out as we go. I have found that one of the best connection tools between me and my three children is

vulnerability and is admitting to them when I mess up. Our kids look at us, especially when they're young with so much reverence as if we're superheroes, as if we can do no wrong. It's important to let them know that we are human because we don't, this is me speaking in the first person. I don't want my children to feel like they have to live up to some unrealistic expectation of perfection

because I ain't anywhere close to perfect. So I want them to know that you messed up. I'm holding you accountable because I anywhere close to perfect. So I want them to know that you messed up. I'm holding you accountable because I love you. And I believe holding someone accountable is a gift, but please know I mess up too. And I've had many conversations with my kids in that same regard and it always draws us closer. And I find the same thing is true in the business world. I think as if an executive can admit to their team, I don't know the answer. Or the decision that I told us to go with yesterday

actually was the wrong decision. I have new information today. The narcissist that we were talking about earlier think that's a sign of weakness, but that's completely contrary. That will actually get your team to buy in and believe in at a much greater degree because you're showing them that you're human.

And I know I try and do the same thing from stage. If I kind of stumble on my words, and I'm a rather articulate person, but if I stumble on my words, I just smile, laugh it off and own it. And I want the audience to know, I'm not coming at you from a place of mastery and expertise. I'm a human trying to figure this stuff out

just like you are. Let's have some fun together. Let me share some things with you. In 2019, I was interviewing Sarah Blakely live on stage in front of thousands of people in Boston at a sales conference. We're walking out together from behind stage and my feet were sweating because when I get nervous, my feet sweat. And my Louboutins, which are huge, one of them fell off and I almost face planted on the floor. And I laughed so hard. I had to literally double over. And then I just raised my hand. I said, it's your hometown girl,

falling on your face. Who's with me? And everyone went crazy. And it ended up being this really fun moment. Had I tried to pretend that I didn't fall, I would have looked like a knucklehead. So yeah, you're totally right. Shine a light on it, own it, and put it to work for you. It pays off so much better. For sure. And then just learn from it. You know, we talked already about the importance of repetition and I try and go through everything in life looking at every opportunity is just another repetition. Like my children are coming home from Mexico today. They had spring break. They went with my ex-wife with their mom. They're coming home. I'm going to take them to dinner tonight. That's just another rep I get as a father. Tonight's dinner, I have a repetition

where I can practice being present. I can practice being curious and asking them about their trip. I can practice creating connection. I can practice sharing with them what I've been doing for the last week. It's just another repetition. And the next time I take stage is next week in South Dakota. Same thing. It's just another rep. I don't build it up to be anything bigger, and I definitely don't diminish it to be anything smaller, but these are just repetitions. This conversation you and I are having right now is just another rep for both of us. We take these reps serious because we want to add value to your listeners and to your

audience, but it's just another rep. If any part of this conversation is not perfect or doesn't go the way that we had intended, that's okay. We just learn from it, we course correct, and we move on. And then the more you can start to stack quality reps over time, the better off you get at your craft or at whatever it is you're trying to be good at. You've given us so many gems today, but before we wrap up,

I want you to tell us a little bit about Sustain Your Game, your new book. Sure, so my first book, Raise Your Game, was to show folks how to reach optimal performance, reach that proverbial mountaintop. And this book is to show folks how they can sustain their game and stay on that mountaintop for long periods of time. And while some folks will choose to look at that through the lens of achievement and success and accolades, that's wonderful. Other people may look at it through the lens of happiness and inner peace and fulfillment. But whatever you're trying to sustain,

it's been my experience that there are three things that undermine that, and that is stress, stagnation and burnout. And that regardless of where you are in your life or what industry you're in or what age you are, we're always tethering in and out of those three things. We're always dealing with stress in the moment, stagnation in the midterm,

and burnout for long periods of time. Those are things that I'm constantly battling, and I'm always trying to write about and speak about the things I'm going through in my own life. On the heels of a global pandemic that I do believe have heightened stress, stagnation, and burnout, I just wanted to offer some strategies and some stories that I hope folks find helpful. Give me one hack for each. Give me a hack for stress. Are you familiar with Eckhart Tolle, modern day philosopher? He's Oprah Winfrey loves him. His definition of stress is what most strongly resonates with me. And Eckhart says that stress is the desire for things to be different than they are in the present moment. So ultimately,

stress never comes from what's going on. It comes from our resistance to what's going on. So most people would agree that sitting in gridlock traffic is stressful, especially if you're late for an appointment or a meeting. But there is nothing inherently stressful about some cars in front of you. What's stressful is when we attach an emotion or a feeling or a label to it. So we create our own stress. So the very first thing is just to accept and surrender that most of what goes on in this world,

we have no control over. And when you can realize that you don't have control over that, you can focus on what you do have control over, which is your own effort and your own attitude. And I find that when I stop worrying about all the things that I don't control, and I put my effort into what I do control,

life becomes a lot less stressful. So that's- Oh, I have to jump in here on, because I live in Miami and you're talking about traffic and we've had a million people move here in the last year because of the pandemic. So this is my hack for traffic. What I do is I stop myself, I focus on my breathing

and then I figure out one thing I can be grateful for in the moment. I look around, you know, I'll look and say like, oh, that's so beautiful. I'm so grateful that I have this opportunity to see this right now. And then I remind myself, maybe all this is happening for me. If there wasn't traffic, I would be hit by another car. I'm so grateful that I'm sitting in this traffic right now. That's my new traffic hack. Please people use it. It works. All right. Give me one to get over stagnation. Well, I love that hack because you can use that in any area of life.

I mean, if you find yourself standing in line at Target and the cashier is really slow, instead of getting frustrated, use the hack you just use in traffic. That's absolutely beautiful and I'm gonna use that. I live right outside of Washington, DC, so we have our share of traffic as well. As far as stagnation, there's two things you need to shake up

to make sure you don't stagnate. One is shake up the people you insulate yourself with, your inner circle. Have high discernment with the people you invest the most time with and make sure they're people that are filling your bucket and have your back. That's one. Then the second is, and because you put out so much amazing content in the world through your podcast and books and speaking, is we have to have high discernment with what we read, watch and listen to. If you want to shake things up, start reading, watching and listening to new things, different things, get outside of your box. I intentionally

read, watch and listen to people that have perspectives that are very different than mine. They may even have beliefs that completely oppose my own beliefs, but I still listen with an open ear so that I can either strengthen my current convictions or I can learn something new. So if you're constantly putting the same stuff in, you're going to constantly be putting the same stuff out. So instead of stagnating, I try to mix those things up. And what's our last one? Burnout? Burnout. Yeah. And burnout, to be clear, comes from when there's a misalignment between the

hours you're working and the sacrifices you're making and how much joy and fulfillment you get from your work. I know someone like you most likely puts in a lot of hours doing the work you do, but I also imagine you find your work very meaningful and purposeful. So even when you're working long hours, you're deriving so much fulfillment and joy from it

that you're not at risk of burnout. We have burnout when those things are not congruent. When you're logging 50 hours a week at a company and you don't feel appreciated, you don't feel that you're making a contribution, you're not even doing things that challenge you or that you find fascinating, that's when you're at risk of burnout, when those two things splinter in different directions. So folks need to make tweaks to make sure that they're doing work that fills their bucket instead of draining it. Oh, and also, you know what just came to mind that I have to share for my peeps listening right now is,

also, I remember at one point in time, I was in a relationship I wasn't happy in, and to ignore the relationship, I would work more. Even though I love my work, I almost started getting burnt out because I was pushing so hard to not deal with what was happening. So my takeaway, what I learned from that

is deal with what the real problem is so you can find joy in the things where there is joy. And once I did deal with that relationship and ended it, I was so much happier with my work. So for anyone out there that's in a relationship right now, whether it be romantic or friends or at business, like I always say, overcome that villain, whatever it is, deal with it and move

it out of your space so that you can start enjoying the things that are in front of you. Alan, tell us, how do we get your book? How do we find you? How do we follow you? Easiest place is just alansteinjr.com. I also have a supplemental site, strongerteam.com. You can find Raise Your Game or Sustain Your Game on Amazon wherever they sell books. I also did the narration for the audio audio books. You can find that on Audible or wherever folks download audio books. You can also go to sustainyourgamebook.com.

And I'm very easily found on social at Allenstein Jr. I love engaging with folks. So if anything during our conversation resonated and someone wants to shoot a DM on Instagram or ask a question or even challenge something that I said, I welcome it all. I love keeping the conversation going. Just shoot me a DM on Instagram at Alan Stein Jr.

Well, everything will be in the show notes guys. You're gonna find all of Alan's contact info, all of his links, hit him up. And Alan, thank you so much for bringing your positivity and dropping all of your gems for us today. My pleasure. Thank you so much, Heather. All right, until next week, keep creating your confidence. I'm gonna make it over again. I decided to change that dynamic.

I knew I could do that. I couldn't be more excited for what you're gonna hear. Start learning and growing. Inevitably something will happen. No one succeeds alone. You don't stop and look around once in a while. You would miss it. I'm on this journey with me.