Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan - Dr. Wendy Osefo, Real Housewives of Potomac: The Power Of Why Episode 66
Episode Date: August 4, 2020There is always a story and reason behind the choices we make and the belief systems we subscribe to and as Dr. Osefo says “if there isn’t a story” then the conversation opens itself up for disc...overy and to begin to answer that important question: why. As an educator, Dr. Wendy Osefo shares with us that there is always room to have the conversation regardless of which side of the aisle you stand on and that even if you disagree, you can still share a glass of wine! About The Guest: An award-winning researcher, Dr. Wendy Osefo is a Nigerian-American television personality and progressive political commentator. She is a Contributor to The Hill, the Founder and CEO of the 1954 Equity Project, and a Professor of Education at The Johns Hopkins University. Dr. Osefo has a weekly radio segment on Radio One 93.9FM WKYS, entitled "Three Things You Need to Know, With Dr. Wendy O". Wendy served on the Obama Administrations Anti-Poverty Initiative. She holds a B.A. in Political Science from Temple University, an M.A. in Government from The Johns Hopkins University, and an M.Sc. in Public Affairs from Rutgers University. Dr. Osefo made history when she became the first black woman to earn a Ph.D. in Public Affairs-Community Development from Rutgers University. Dr. Osefo is a Board Trustee of the Children’s Scholarship Foundation of Baltimore, and a board member for The Education Foundation, Congressman Elijah Cummings Youth to Israel Program and The Obama Green Charter School. Dr. Osefo is a member of Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority Incorporated and The National Urban League. Wendy is the 2017 recipient of the Johns Hopkins Diversity Recognition Award, the 2017 recipient of the Johns Hopkins University Outstanding Graduate Award, a 40 Under 40 Honoree, 25 Women to Watch Honoree, and a Black Women in Media Honoree. Twitter & Instagram: @WendyOsefo To inquire about my coaching program opportunity visit https://mentorship.heathermonahan.com/ Review this podcast on Apple Podcast using this LINK and when you DM me the screen shot, I buy you my $299 video course as a thank you! My book Confidence Creator is available now! get it right HERE If you are looking for more tips you can download my free E-book at my website and thank you! https://heathermonahan.com *If you'd like to ask a question and be featured during the wrap up segment of Creating Confidence, contact Heather Monahan directly through her website and don’t forget to subscribe to the mailing list so you don’t skip a beat to all things Confidence Creating! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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Hi and welcome back. I'm so excited. You're back here with me today. Thank you. Okay, so
oh my gosh as if the hits just keep on coming around here, we've got a hurricane heading for Miami right now. And I'm so sad to share with you that my long-time mentor and good
friend Bob passed away yesterday. And I'll tell you, when you deal with so much sadness, as I know
you are, right, we all are,
whether it be from being in quarantine,
just dealing with the pandemic, the news,
losing a job, getting furloughed, panicking about
what's happening to our economy and our world,
the political situation, there's so much going on,
and having people close to you that you lose during this time,
it's just, it's crushing.
As you know, we lost my son's dog two weeks ago
and then losing Bob yesterday.
It's just, oh, I lost it.
So I wanted to share what I learned from him.
I think it's really important.
And he's the only guy that ever taught me about this.
So I want to teach it to you
because I want his legacy to go on beyond him being here.
So I got into the radio business. Oh my gosh, I was so young. Maybe I was 23.
Anyhow, I ended up moving to a publicly traded company, became the VP of Sales and EBPCRO.
Okay, during that time, I was back and forth to New York a lot, working with one of our vendors,
our partners out there
Which was our national rep firm and at the time he happened to be the president of one of the divisions
So he was very very high up much more senior than me and
He represented essentially the industry. I represented one company
But for whatever reason he was always kind to me
And he was really into data in research and I didn't know much about it
So it was super interested.
So I'd always ask him questions.
And of course, we know people love when we're interested in them
and their work.
So he would take me into his office and share presentations
with me and data and teach me.
And I'm so nice, so generous with his time.
And so we built a friendship and a camaraderie years ago,
more than a decade ago, probably 15 years ago.
And over the years, we would stay in touch, talk on the phone, text, email, whatever.
And then when I was in New York, I'd always stop by and see him.
And then the CEO of that company died.
And the new CEO wanted him out.
He didn't want to work for him.
It was a complete disaster in Bob left.
Bob found himself in transition, which I know a lot about. We all know a lot about transition
these days. So he called me and said, Hey, what do you think about me being your consultant,
which I was super excited for? Number one, I'll take any help I can get. Number two, I
already loved this guy. He was so helpful to me and so different from me.
So I thought it would be a great compliment. So I brought him on as our consultant, eventually ended up hiring him as my right hand
when I became CRO, I promoted him to VP of sales. So a little weird right, he's 20 something years older than me, tons of experience, and some people
thought that was odd, but I trusted him.
I really liked him, and I saw a value in him that could add value to the team.
So we worked together and things were good, but whenever we would spend time alone together,
I would want to get into the specifics of revenue generation, what's going on with losing
clients, what's happening with different
categories of business, all the normal conversations you would have around revenue, and he would
always change the conversation to two things, legacy and footprints in the sand.
And I remember when he first did this with me, and I would think, so weird what he talks
about, right?
I thought it was so strange. And I didn't really understand I would appease him
and listen to whatever he had to say.
But eventually I started to get,
I understood his point that there's more to life than just work.
And it's really about what will we leave behind
when we're gone?
And when I had thought about that before,
I would think about my son, right?
So that's the legacy you leave as your children. But he was, there was more than that. He wasn't saying just your kids,
which he was a great father and was a huge fan of his kids and his family and his wife.
But his point was you can leave so much more and we've learned so much and have so much to offer
that we've got to do our part to leave our footprints in the sand to help others and to help the generations that are coming behind us.
I hadn't really thought much about that
prior to those conversations.
So he really got me start thinking about it
and then of course fast forward,
I end up getting fired.
And during that time,
everyone was hiding from me,
not wanting to speak to me in my old industry
because I was odd man out and the company that fired me
didn't want people talking to me.
But Bob would keep messaging me,
and he would DM me and message me and email me.
And I didn't want to talk to him
because I was so confused at first when I got fired.
Who do you trust?
Who was in the know?
Did they let me hire him?
Because they wanted him to replace me.
I had all these fear questions at first,
and I was so paranoid.
I was just in a bad spot.
I wasn't thinking clearly.
Fast forward from there.
I end up out in LA with my podcast
and I wanted to get some press and coverage
to expand my reach.
And I have a huge network of people I know
in the radio business.
So I called the head of I Heart Radio
for the West Coast, his name's Kevin.
And we didn't really know each other well, but we knew plenty of people in common. He took the
meeting. I went in to see him, and I wanted him to, you know, put me on Ryan's secret. I wanted to
go on all of his shows, Ellen Kay. I want to cover it on everything because I want to blow my show up.
Of course, go bigger, go home. And he was very gracious. However, he was not saying yes. And I said,
listen, what is this going to take? You know, are you kidding me? Like, don't you know me?
Don't you know who I am? We've been in the same industry for forever. And he said, well,
I mean, I don't really know you, Heather. I know of you, but I don't know you. I mean,
who can I talk to that we know in common that would vouch for you?
And I had heard he was a big fan of bobs,
but I didn't know, because remember,
I hadn't been answering Bob's calls for about a year now.
I had kind of shut him out.
I did.
It didn't respond.
I shut those people at that company out and,
ugh, so anyhow, Kevin said, what if I call Bob? He said, I trust him and I trust his opinion
and if he thinks I should help you then I'll do just that. So he calls Bob and when she
know Bob said the nicest things in the world about me. Don't want to get into it because
I'll start crying. So he said, Heather, Bob vouches for you. He loves you and would do anything for you
and he told me to do whatever you wanted.
So, Kevin started helping me and we started working together
and he was amazing, so great and got me on so many shows
and was such an advocate for me,
had me come in and speak to his employees
and just he was so great at promoting my book
and just my podcast, he was just such a,
he became a great friend through Bob.
So then he said, well, I gotta reunite you back to Bob
because Bob never wanted to hurt you.
Bob was never part of this and you need to trust me on that.
And I said, I do.
So he reconnected us and there we were back again talking
and Bob forgave me for disappearing on him and things were just
back to normal. So then for the next couple of years we stayed friends and would talk once in
a while text an email again and he was super supportive of me. He was the same person that he always
was to me and he was sick. He had cancer. But when I tell you this guy was six, seven, good-looking,
in great shape, smart, eloquent, so together, so positive. I just never thought. You just never think,
you know, who is going to disappear. And about a month ago, Kevin had reached out to me to let me know
he didn't think he was doing very well. And so I reached out to Bob and he sent me this note and said, hey, I've been working
on a book, kiddo, would you look at it and let me know what you think?
I think it's going to help a lot of people.
I think it can help me leave the footprint in the sand.
And he sent me this outline for a book and it was awesome.
Of course, it was awesome.
He's such a hard worker and such a stand-up human being that of course it was awesome. It was so good. And he never got to
bring that book to light. So he had a story in him to tell. He has teachings in him to tell and
he never brought it to light. So when I heard from Kevin last night that he had passed away,
I was sobbing on my couch for two hours,
thinking about this.
And the first thing I did was I text my son
because he was with his father and my ex-husband.
I text him, where is the stuff that Bob sent you?
I need to know right now.
And my son kept saying, why?
Why? Why?
And he told me where it was.
And then he called me.
And he said, what's going on?
I told him Bob went to live in heaven. And he said, oh, mom, are you okay?
I know how bad this hurts. I know how much you loved him. And my son loved Bob too. He had been
such, he got us tickets to the NBA All Star game. He got my son all these autographed NBA things,
a letter from the head coach, the Clippers. He just done so many cute, sweet,
thoughtful, amazing things for my son, because they had that passion for basketball and common.
And he talked to my son a number of times on the phone and met him and they'd hit it off.
So I went and found the letter that Bob had sent to him and all the stuff he had sent him and
just went through everything. I read the outline for his book again last night
and I was sitting there so sad and it hit me. You know, I was so focused on cheese. He has this book that he needs to bring to light
and it never made it and I'm one of the only people that ever saw it and I want this book to be made and
this isn't fair and then I realized something. He had always talked to me about legacy and
And then I realized something. He had always talked to me about legacy and the legacy you leave.
And that's when I got it.
Legacy isn't something you leave behind that's tangible, like a book.
Legacy is something you leave behind within others.
And that's when I understood his legacy, lives within me and always will. And I will
do my part to keep his legacy alive. I will write about him in my book, which will come to life
next year in 2021. Thank you Harper Collins leadership. I will keep his legacy alive.
And that was a really amazing realization that I had for the first time last night.
I was so focused on it had to be like a product or a book or, you know, a movie or a documentary
or something, but it doesn't.
It just has to be the passion and teachings that you instill and kindness and love and support
that you instill in others so that they can carry that on on your behalf
when you're gone.
They can spread that message when you're gone, which I'm committed to doing.
I am so committed to that.
So what is your legacy?
And are you leaving footprints in the sand?
I can tell you for sure that I am, and I can also tell you that this pushes me even more to do more, to be more of a mentor, to be more
of an inspiration, to work harder, because this man was the hardest working person in the
world, and that's all. That's what I had to say, but please answer that question for me.
What is your legacy? If you don't have one yet, if you haven't thought about it yet, Bob's challenging you too. Bob wants you to leave the footprints and so do I. We'll be right back.
Hi and welcome back. I'm so excited for you to meet my guest today, Dr. Wendy, who's an award-winning
researcher. Dr. Wendy is a Nigerian American television
personality and progressive political commentator. She's a contributor to the Hill, founder and CEO
of the 1954 equity project and professor of education at the Johns Hopkins University. Oh my gosh,
you're also, you've got a show on radio. One, you've got
a B.A. in political science from
Temple. I mean, you're this you've got a
PhD in public affairs. Your bio is
probably one of the most impressive of
anyone that I've had on the show and
I'm blown away. So thank you for making
time and being here today with us.
Oh, thank you so much for having me.
So I wanted to start with,
I met with Brava a couple of years ago
about doing a show with them
and I ended up walking away and we never made a deal.
One of the reasons why
and I'm so curious about this for you
was I was so concerned with building credibility in life,
you know, being a mother, reaching a level of quote unquote status or, you know, societal approval,
and then losing it as a result of immersing yourself in something that some people might think
would ship away at everything that you've built. What did you have thoughts like that when you
considered this? I did think of the negative connotations
that naturally come with reality shows
and what that can imply,
but the truth of the matter is,
you have to be authentic to yourself.
Those shows cannot define you.
You actually have the ability to define those shows.
And I think it's really interesting
because a lot of people have said to me,
I think that just having you on the show,
in a sense, is elevating the franchise, right? Who I am and what I am is something that can
never be taken away from me. Whether you see a camera on me as I'm hanging out with my girlfriends
and, you know, we're having a few drinks and you hear me say something witty or smart,
that doesn't negate the fact that I'm constantly in these streets marching
for black lives.
And it doesn't change the fact that I'm speaking truth
to power when it comes to politics.
It doesn't change the fact that I'm the first black woman
to receive my PhD in my department.
Those things can never be taken away from me.
I'm assorted to argument as women that we face
that as often said, you know, you're beautiful,
but you should dress differently
so people can take you seriously. If the way you dress can take away from your brains,
then that doesn't make any sense. So that's what I look at it as. I could be completely wrong,
but who I am and what I've done can never be stripped away because of social choices.
I make with my girlfriends. No. and I don't do anything crazy.
I'm really not, you know, there's some crazy things,
but I don't do anything crazy.
So you just get to see my fun side.
Well, I think that's a great analogy
and an excellent point that no one can strip you
of your accomplishments, your experiences,
and who you are.
And as long as you know who that is,
you're fine with whatever else happens outside of you. And to me, that really sounds like confidence.
Would you describe yourself as being confident?
I think I'm confident. I think I also struggle with some of the insecurities
that a lot of us face, right? Even, you know, you listed all some of my
degrees at every stage of me receiving one of my degrees. I suffer from
imposter syndrome, thinking everyone around me is so much smarter than me,
I'm not supposed to be here.
So I have a sense of confidence that I carry with me,
but there are times and there are days where I just walk around and say,
you know, am I biting off more than I can chew.
So I rely heavily on my family to give me strength and to say you got this.
But most of the days I do walk around with my
head held high saying, you know what, you're a bad bitch. You deserve to be here.
Great, good for you. Bring up the fraud mindset, which I think specific to women is much more
common than with men. And I personally had that at one point in my career too. How did you push yourself into those moments when you started wondering,
uh, do I really belong here and my fooling myself?
How are you able to jump over that chasm that a lot of people can't make
that lead through?
You know, my background is Nigerian.
I come from a Nigerian household and the reason I profess the statement with
that is because growing up in a Nigerian household and the reason I profess the statement with that is because growing
up in the Nigerian household you're always being raised with different like parables as
I like to call it, right?
And so one of the parables that my dad always used to say is, you know, in life we have two
stages.
There's a stage where you will become a mentor.
There's a stage where you'll become a mentee.
And you have to know where you are in life and what stage you currently are at. And the reason I say that is because a lot of times
in my life, I would question myself and question, you know, should I be here? I would reassure myself
and say, yes, you're supposed to be here. You're just not at the stage where you are the mentor yet.
You're still learning, you know, this is your learning phase. And so I think that instead of us to say,
we're not supposed to be here, let's walk away,
we have to look at it differently and say,
we're not necessarily experts yet,
but we are still supposed to be here.
This stage in our life is a learning stage.
And in this learning stage,
I will gather all the information I can get.
And hopefully one day I will be an expert.
And then my role will change from a mentee to a mentor.
So I've been able to reframe my thinking and just look at like differently and say,
whenever I'm insecure about my positioning,
it's not that I'm not supposed to be here, but rather I still have a lot to learn in this space
and to take up space and learn that thing.
I am so taking that from you and I of course will be following you on it, but that is,
that's the most articulate, concise way to really explain how to make that jump and connect
really well with that message.
It makes so much sense to me and it's so interesting that idea of mentor or mentee and how it can change in different places in your life.
This just happened recently. I have to share with you. I got a message on LinkedIn from a much older, very successful CEO male.
And he sent me a note saying, I'd like to mentor you. I was moving fast. I have a mentoring program. I flipped them a link to my mentoring
program. I said, great, sign up here. And I thought he was reaching out to me wanting
me to mentor him, just assume so. And he wasn't. And so anyways, this is interesting. When
he got that, he was very confused, but he said, you know what? Maybe I could learn something
in some space. I don't know about. He signed up for my program. And he basically is living what you just articulated. He said, I thought, well, I don't know about he signed up for my program. And he basically is living
what you just articulated. He said, I thought, well, I don't know why this woman would be
able to teach me anything, but why don't I try to see if I can be the mentee. And it's
been a really, it's been a great program with him. He's brought a lot of learning, so
he's learning a lot too. Yeah, and it's, it's really to your point. So thank you for bringing
that up. Amazing.
Yeah.
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I was a humble person and I was a little embarrassed that I did that after.
I heard the whole story, but what are you going to do?
That's super cool.
So one of the things that I wonder about not only
with the political side of being a political strategist
commentator, and now adding real housewife, to me,
there's a lot of opportunity for being polarizing
or controversial just based
upon being in those fields currently, obviously with a political year, obviously with Black
Lives Matter.
There's so much controversy in general happening.
How, and I know a lot of people are afraid to even have the conversation of afraid to say
the wrong thing.
You're walking into those moments every single day.
How do you approach that and manage that?
You know, I think it's always interesting, you know, because even outside of those
hats, I'm also a professor, right?
And I have students who come from various political backgrounds and they have
different political ideologies.
And I've done a very good job of, you know, situating myself in the middle and
saying, I have my own political views,
but I think what's most important here
is for all of us to be civically engaged.
And that's what's the most important to me,
whether you are on the left side of the aisle
or the right side of the aisle,
that is your complete, you know, right as a citizen.
But the worst thing to do is not to have engagement.
And that's where I am always situated in the middle
and I say to people, these are my personal views.
These are my personal political views
and it's rooted in my background, my upbringing
and things like that and just things I've read.
But it doesn't mean that we should alienate each other.
My closest friend in the political sphere
is actually someone
who sits on the different side of the aisle from me. And we learn so much from each other. And I say
that to say, I think that people make politics a nasty word, but it's really not. Like I learned so
much from other people, and I just wish that we would remove all of the, you know, just
the cadetness that comes with it. It's okay if you sit on the other side of the aisle,
let's all make, you know, this country what it should be together. And you know, that's
my Kumbaya story, I guess. I don't know.
It's a good one to hear because it definitely isn't the norm that I see and I was around a few friends
the other day for a socially distanced birthday party and one woman brought up Black Lives Matter
and specifically the riots and immediately I could feel my body shrink back. I didn't even
want to engage in the discussion for fear of, for fear that I would say the wrong thing, fear that
she'd get, fear that I didn't do enough and I'd be called out. And there's this sense that you
back to politics as well that if you engage in the conversation and this goes sideways,
everyone's going to be pissed off and it's going to end in an argument. And I've seen it unfold
so many times that way. And it's almost, you know, you learn behavior now that, oh, don't get into that
conversation. Versus someone, if you know going in someone like you is open to that's your opinion
and that's your right. And, you know, I'm happy for you that you have that kures mind. And maybe we
can see some some middle ground. So how do we get people to stop arguing or how do you
detract from the argument when people started? Well, my first question to people,
if I find that they sit on the same side as me
or they sit on the different aisle as me,
my first question is why?
Why do you believe that?
Because sometimes people don't know why they believe
or they vote for a certain political party.
They just say, oh, I'm this.
I'm a Republican, I'm a Democrat.
And I challenge people all the time and I say, why?
And it's just a simple question,
but at least for a conversation, it'll say,
I was raised in a blue collar town,
and my blue collar town, this happened,
or this president gave us,
like there's always a story.
And if there's not a story,
it makes people start to think, okay, why am I,
why do I believe this colloquial view?
So I always start with why I am an educator heart.
That's what I am. I'm a professor.
So I come to people at the very roots of every issue and we build upon.
I think the thing is when people say Black Lives Matter,
you may already think, all right, what do I associate Black Lives Matter with?
And so because you said that, I know the type of person you are.
Or if someone says, I'm a Trump supporter, someone may say, okay,
because you're a Trump supporter, I already know who you are
and what you think, no, just simply take things to the basics
and say, okay, you're a Trump supporter.
Cool. Why?
Tell me why.
And that throws a lot of people off guard
because they think you're gonna attack them.
If you say black lives matter,
some people may be like,
why do you don't think all lives matter?
No, just say, oh, black life, oh, okay, why?
Educate me, you know?
And when you start having conversations like that
and taking out the antagonistic nature of it, it's simple.
It's like, okay, tell me why.
Oh, okay, that's why.
Well, let me tell you why I believe what I believe.
And then they're like, no one has ever told me that.
No one has ever talked to me like this is usually, you know,
banter and you're stupid, you're this, you're that.
And we don't need all of that.
Like, tell me why and I'll tell you why we can move forward
and then have a glass of wine.
I like that approach.
I'm going to use that.
I'm definitely using that one too.
You just tell me why first while I sit over here and don't ask you.
Well, you know, around the topic of Black Lives Matter, myself, specifically, and I know
for other people as well, didn't know what it meant.
So when it first, and then I know it's been out for years, however, I was ignorant.
I was an educated on, I didn't know.
And so when these conversations became massive
in the past few months, at first I was thinking,
well, that doesn't sound very nice
because why wouldn't everybody matter?
And I definitely thought that.
And as I learned more, I've learned a lot.
And as for all the good information
you can get out there, sometimes there's really
bad conspiracy theories, which I'm sure you hear many, especially this year with everything
that's going on.
And so it's trying to discern what is actually real legitimate factual information for
quote-unquote fake news and just conspiracy theory.
That's been challenging.
I think for a lot of people.
Absolutely.
I agree with that.
And I think that if nothing else I've
had a few friends who have said that this year,
they've just educated themselves and they've learned
more about people, about organizations.
And I just think that that's really important.
So when people are saying Black Lives Matters,
not because white lives don't matter
or, you know, the lives of other people don't matter,
just simply saying, we feel as though right now
Black Lives are under attack.
I cannot remember in my mind
when I have seen a police officer kill a white man on tape.
I cannot, like I can't, but if you ask me,
have you seen a police officer kill a Black guy on tape? I could say, yes, I could literally say,
Philando Castilla, I could say George Floyd, I could say Rashad, but I can name these people's names.
And so I just think it's important for us to have these conversations, not because white
lives or don't matter. We're just say the black lives are currently under attack
and that's really what it is.
And I have these conversations with my friends.
I was saying this the other day.
My son was invited over to one of his classmates,
houses, their vice-important team, let's get together.
And the mom said, you know, you guys should come over,
just got him a new, you know,
war to gun and all this other stuff.
And I had to tell my child that he couldn't go and he didn't know why.
And I said, because I don't want you playing with a gun.
My sons, they're seven and five.
I had never bought them a toy gun.
That may seem foreign to people, but that's because you have incidents like to me or rice.
There was a 12-year-old black boy who police pulled up that he was playing with the toy gun.
They thought it was a real gun. Before they even looked at him, they killed him. He was 12.
He wasn't doing anything. He was just playing. And that was it. My sons will never have the privilege
to play with the toy gun. Like that whole story of, you know,
the Christmas story with the boy,
his mom said, you'll shoot your eye out.
Yeah, that's not relatable to my family
because no one in my family
that I can know of great, great has ever owned a gun.
And the only person who did was my grandfather
because he was a police officer.
We know our own guns
because people think that you're gonna kill them.
So that is just something that says,
that's how our lives are different.
My son wants a super-silkered, no, you can't get one.
So just simple things like that,
like just the bare things that make our lives different,
but we live in the same country.
And I just, you know, sharing stories like that
with my friends and them sharing different stories with me
have just really made this time period one of learning, not just for white people,
but also for black people, like we're all learning. And as long as we continue to learn with
open arms, I think that this country is on the right track.
Absolutely. I couldn't agree with you more. I didn't know that you had a family member
that had been in the police force. And that's really interesting to me,
because I've all the work that I know
that you're doing for equality
and for the situation that we have with police
and taking a very hard look at policy
and how can we fix these issues?
What is your thought on defunding the police?
Is that something that seems to be coming
very popular recently? Yeah, I think it's interesting when people say defund the police and what it means, it's like
this whole notion of, I don't know if you ever heard of, you know, no child left behind. I believe
that was like one of the acts and everyone was like, yeah, you know, that's a great thing, no child
left behind. Nobody really read the policy because if you read it, it's really like, it's really bad.
But because of the name, right?
So defund the police doesn't necessarily mean like we want to defund the police.
You know, I actually go further. That was my grandfather that I mentioned. My brother is actually a police officer currently.
So I have police force. So every time I speak out, people always want to attack me like you hate police.
No, my brother puts his life on the line every day.
But defunding the police from No, my brother puts his life on the line every day. But the
fund in the police for me, Wendy's definition, it simply means that we give so much money to
police. We need to start giving that money and allocating it to different entities. It doesn't
mean police won't have. It's just that police have so much like the point that sometimes when
you see things going on, you see them riding down the streets and tanks. Why are we militarized
now? When we have schools, they don't even have books that are older than the 1970s. And
Baltimore, they don't even have air conditioning for students when they're in school during
the summer months. But police officers are equipped with all types of stuff as if they're in school during the summer months, but police officers are equipped with all types of stuff
as if they're going to war, and they're not.
So for me, defunding the police is not something
necessary that I'm advocating for,
but I am saying that when we look at public service entities,
they should all be equally yoked as far as finances.
That's it.
I want kids to go to schools with the books that they can read.
And then not, you know, kids again, kick that school because they owe a lunch balance of
two dollars, four dollars.
But you're given the police like $10 million.
Why don't you take a thousand dollars and pay off all lunch debt so children and I can
kick that school.
It's just all about equity.
And I think that those conversations need to be
to be had about how we're spending our taxpayer money.
Do you see those conversations happening now at a higher frequency because this is an election year
and because of the outrage? Yeah, I think everyone is putting everything on the table now because
it is an election year. An election year is usually a tense time.
I'm thinking back to 2016, I remember when that election was going on, it's usually a
tense time because everyone who fills us though, they have been left out of the conversation,
starts knocking on the door and saying, excuse me, you forgot about me.
As they rightfully should, if you are going to vote for someone, they should work for you.
In a sense, our elected officials should work for us.
We're voting for you because we believe you're going to make our lives better,
whether it's by enacting policy or whether it's by restricting policy.
So I think that election year is just a time that everything bubbles up.
I think that right now is just a really tense time in our country because it's an election
year and we are also in a pandemic.
And you know, that is just mixing and everyone is just tired and exhausted.
People are dying.
You know, so much going on this year.
So this year is going to go down in the history books definitely.
That is an understatement.
Oh my God.
For better or worse.
I'll tell you, it's so, this sounds so minuscule compared to what's happening in the world,
but it just, my son, little dog, died two weeks ago.
And it was his first experience with death, right?
And it's so interesting to me and that we have all this death happening all around us,
as we all do.
But if your individual home has an experience, it's nothing like when that death comes to you, you know, and that
experience. And it also reminds me how jaded we can get, I'm saying me as an adult versus him as
a 13 year old child, you know, in my mind, I thought, oh, that poor dog and my poor son. But I know
that we will move on in life of the one,
and my son doesn't know it.
And watching him go through that grief and loss really
made me feel so much more sensitive
around what everyone is experiencing right now.
Yeah.
Oh, that's so, oh, I feel that because my children,
we have a dog, is their first animal.
She hasn't passed, she's still here, but our children, we have a dog, is their first animal. She hasn't passed, she's still here,
but our children, they have adopted birds,
and we have like a bird house and all that other stuff,
and they were playing basketball,
the ball rolled into the field,
and the ball laid beside the body of one of the birds,
and my son was terrible.
My five year old was like,
Blue Jasmine started screaming her name.
I was like, oh no, they didn't take it that hard,
but that was their first time.
I think I even heard him say she's dead.
And I'm never heard, you know, it's like, you know, it's hard.
It's hard.
Oh, my heart goes out to your son.
Give my all to me.
I'm sorry.
Thank you so much.
He's starting to do better.
So thank you for your time. Oh, for me. You'm starting to do better. So thank you very much. So thank you.
You bring up your kids and you know, you're a mom
and you're an educator and you're dealing with pandemic.
How do you balance all of those things
with being a political strategist commentator
with now taking on real housewives?
What is balance look like to you?
Wine, wine, wine, wine, wine, lots of wine. How, what does balance look like to you? Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, meaning, I know I cannot balance it all and I know I cannot be 100% in all things at all times.
And I have learned this year and a little bit of last year to be okay with that.
If my son has a big project for school and that's what we're focused on,
that's what my priority is this week.
So if I have to cancel some of my hits for TV because
my son needs me, then so be it. If I have a week that is a big debate that's coming up
and I have to study for it and make sure I have all of my talking points, then, you know,
that week GrubHub is going to be my best friend and I may not be mommy of the year,
cooking dinner. So balance means me realizing that some
things I'm going to have to put to the side for just a short
period of time until I handle a upcoming deadline. And I'm
okay with that before I used to do it all. And I have a
a daughter that just turned one and I literally like beat
myself over the head just to make sure because I know she's my last one. And I just want to make sure I breastfed one and I literally beat myself over the head
just to make sure,
because I know she's my last one
and I just wanted to make sure I breastfed her
and I had to go to one.
And so many times I wanted to stop
because I would have to pump before a segment.
I would pump in between takes.
As you guys see on Roahouse wives,
there's times where I'm pumping,
we traveled to Portugal and
I brought back like over a hundred ounces of milk, like a psycho from a foreign country.
I don't get it.
But I just feel like I always run myself into the ground trying to make everyone else
happy that I realized in order for me, Wendy, to be okay, I have to be okay, let it go
of some responsibilities and not being super mom sometimes.
Oh my gosh, I remember I was the same way with breast feeding
and feeling like it was my obligation in that pressure
and the craziness, oh, I feel you on that one.
So I'm so glad your year is up.
Over, I am so like, no, if I hear another breast pump
machine again, I will kick it down the freaking road.
I hate it.
I can't do it anymore.
It's not a good sound.
If everyone listening has not heard it,
I'm not absolutely.
It is brutal.
And if you were the person that was ever sitting next to me
on an air phone, that was bloody.
I'm so stupid.
Absolutely.
Oh my God.
That was a good.
All right.
So tell me how I know a lot of people struggle with committing to something.
This is the example you just gave.
Your son has a big project coming up.
He needs your help.
You had laid out a number of different shows that you were committed to doing.
And now you've got to go back to them and tell them, I can't do this.
How do you approach that conversation?
Oh, that's a great one.
How do I approach that conversation? Well, that's a great one. How do I approach that conversation? Well, I'll honesty I
Always try to have a middle person
I'm a scapegoat type person like
Listen, I can't do it. And so I'll have you know my publicists or someone like reach out
I got something came up. It is not necessarily good, but I'm a stakeholder for calendars
So I try to avoid those conversations like when the school
gives out the calendar for the year,
everything is in my calendar.
So I give myself 24 hours before 24 hours after
because if this is a date for the spring concert,
that means we're gonna have to practice.
We're gonna have a wardrobe, you know,
make sure the wardrobe works.
So if the spring concert is on the Wednesday, then I check out Monday.
So Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday is all, you know, for me.
So it's always about managing in my husband.
I would sink out calendars.
He's super busy as well.
He's an attorney.
So he has a million things going on.
So we always try to, one of us is always present. We try for both of us to be present,
but we always have one of us present. And it's worked so far. So fingers crossed that it continues to
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Well, I am impressed because you guys have definitely have a full plate.
What kind of advice do you have for other working parents knowing that there's a very high
probability that we're going to be teaching our kids at home yet again starting this fall?
And as an educator, is there any advice
that you can give us?
If you can, and why I say if you can,
because unfortunately there are finances tied to everything,
right?
But if you can, start looking for help now.
Everyone is like literally scrambling
because things are going to happen
and spoiler alert.
If your school is going to open, still look for help.
Because the moment, God forbid, one child, one teacher comes in contact with the virus, that school is probably going to shut down.
So that's just a spoiler alert for everyone.
Like, don't say, oh, perfect.
My child's school is going to open up to go, no, you're good to go for now until God forbid something happens.
And then they start all over and we see that happening even now with the
states, like you saw states opening up, beaches were open, everyone was fine.
But then the cases start to rise and they had to shut everything back down.
They're definitely going to do that again with schools. And if you can,
what I think is really great is if your child has friends in school
and you are talking to those parents, see if you guys can come together to have one person
like a two, they're higher or two, they're and split the cost amongst five families. It'll be so
much cheaper. So be like a mini class, except they're doing it with their friends and it's still virtual.
So those are some tips I would say is one,
be prepared for the worst possible outcome,
even if the outcome looks good now,
to try to find some help ahead of time,
and three, do cost savings if you can
by sharing that cost amongst other families if possible.
Okay, I'll be on that as soon as we end this.
You're so funny. I can't help it. You're so funny. amongst other families if possible. Okay, I'll be on that as soon as we end this video today.
There's somebody.
I don't have that.
I just saw it.
I'm definitely getting on that.
Okay, so do real housewives.
This is season five and it's your first season.
What are your thoughts walking away,
knowing that you're going live now?
Oh my goodness, I am a nervous wreck.
It's weird because it's something that you do,
like we filmed last year.
So something that you do, no one knows about it.
So you leave it the next day your life
is almost like back to normal, right?
Like you're done shooting the season.
Now it's like everyone is about to watch this show.
Everyone is going to be invited into your home.
Everyone is gonna have opinions.
You may say something to do something.
You think you're 100% right, and then the audience is looking at you like, oh my gosh,
he's a great A-Cyco.
So it's like you are opening up yourself to the court of public opinion, and that is something
that is not for the weak or the faint of heart.
I'm glad that I've done some TV before, so I know what that's like because I've come
off of TV after doing commentary, but I killed that.
My points were like solid.
And I get these emails like, where did you get your doctor?
You're so stupid.
I'm like, damn, I thought I killed that.
So I have had those comments all the time.
So I say that to say, I'm a very humble person.
So I am nervous to open my life,
my personal life to the court of public opinion,
but it was a fun ride.
So I enjoyed myself.
That was good.
Some of the women on the show you've known before
and have been friends before,
did any of them give you advice or advise you
when you were considering coming on or tell you what to expect? No, no, no, no, no, no, and no. So the reason I say
that is my reaction in the way I reacted is very organic. Maybe like, and why say no,
I know for sure before we start filming. okay, well maybe one person, one person,
one person in all fairness,
but my whole point of saying that is, it wasn't enough.
It's like, it's basically like someone telling you,
if you go into the water and your head goes under the water,
just hold your breath and you're like, okay,
that makes sense.
And then they push into the damn Atlantic Ocean. It's not a poll, is the Atlantic Ocean. So it's like, okay, that makes sense. And then they push into the damn Atlantic Ocean.
It's not a poll, is the Atlantic Ocean. So it's like, okay,
I need different tactics here. So they gave me great advice,
but it wasn't anything compared to what I was about to go through.
It was pretty intense. It was very intense.
Yeah, well, I've only seen the trailer, right? The Trauma trailer,
which I shared with you. I thought was so good and it looks so
drama-filled that I can't wait for the show. But even just getting to know you a little bit,
having read about you and immersed myself in your background, you come across very different in
the trailer than you do in real life. Really? So how did I come across on the trailer?
your life really so how did I come across on the trailer? Well, the moment on the trailer that caught me was when you were going back and forth
with another woman and she called you Wendy and you said that.
Yes.
Doctor.
Wendy.
And you call this woman out in front of everybody without missing a beat.
It just doesn't seem like the same person.
It's not.
It's really not.
It's so fun.
It's so funny because my zodiac sign is a Gemini.
And I feel like true to the form,
I have two personalities.
I have like, you know, Wendy,
that's just super goofy, silly.
Like I swear, my seven year old and my five year old,
like we're like on the same like mental capacity,
like when I'm home,
because I'm just so silly with them and so goofy.
And then I have my other side,
which is like, I'm a boss, like don't play with me, you know,
like, and I think she brought that out of me.
And it was so weird because after I happened,
well you guys are gonna see after I happened,
I was just like, hmm, like you,
like literally in that episode, you guys are gonna see I can happen. I was just like, Oh, like you like literally in that episode, you guys are going to see me go
through like Wendy being this person and then when you come, like,
that was nice.
It's like the weirdest, it's like the weirdest thing. And take some time.
But eventually you'll see that that side of me. It's so weird. I'm,
I'm so weird. Yeah. Do you get a chance to watch the actual episodes and see how they
edited everything before we get to see it? Yes and no. They edit
it. The season's done. Everything is done. But before you guys
see episode one, we get episode one like two or three days
before you guys see it. So I don't know what episode two is. I
don't know what episode three is. I have no idea. So I have 48 hours to prepare myself
for people, call me a psycho. That's it. 48 hours. Okay, so now that you've, or you've seen episode
one and you know that someone somewhere will come out and be a hater and say something it's just the nature of the bee.
How do you respond to that or how do you prepare yourself for that?
You don't. You don't. You have to know that, you know, people,
Hey, there are love it.
People are going to say something. And that's why when I was thinking about going into the show, I said in my life, whether it's being a
professor, being a commentator, I leave what authenticity.
I'm always true to who I am.
Like I never go in there.
Like I know people even in the polo call round,
they don't believe what they're saying.
They're saying it because they know we'll get attention
or because you know they're being a voice
or mouthpiece for someone.
Everything I say I believe.
And even in the classroom, everything I say I believe.
So I say that to say with shooting the show, I came into it even the classroom, everything I say I believe. So I say that to say, with shooting the show,
I came into it with the same mindset.
So if you don't like what you see on the TV,
I'm okay with that, you know?
Like, because it'll be different if I was faking
or I was pretending to be somebody,
and then I'll say to myself, oh man,
I wish I was just my authentic self.
Maybe they were of like that.
No, you get what you get.
And so I'd rather be hated for who I am,
the love for who I'm not.
So this is who I am, if you don't like it, move along.
I love that.
Oh my gosh, I can't wait to see the show.
No, we're excited to see it.
And I'm super excited.
I don't think I need it to be on it.
Oh, thank you.
I'm super excited for now. We. Oh, thank you. I'm super excited for now.
We'll check back in a few weeks
to see if you still feel the same way.
Yeah, absolutely.
Perfect.
And how does everybody find you, Dr. Wendy?
You can find me on all social media platforms
at Wendy Ocepho.
Well, thank you so much for being here
and we're looking forward to seeing you on Bravo.
Yay!
Thank you for having me.
Heng Tait will be right back.
I ask you to try to find your passion.
I hope you loved meeting Dr. Wendy as much
as I loved interviewing her.
I have to tell you that I didn't know what to expect
with her, I didn't know her previously.
And I'm so happy I had her on the show.
She's not
what I expected. And she really dropped some major knowledge on me and I hope on you too.
So hopefully you enjoy meeting her and learning from her. I thought she was great. Okay. So
sometimes I get DMs on Instagram from people just super nice notes feedback, you know, not
always. Sometimes I get some crazy lunaticators, but yesterday I got
super nice note from someone telling me to keep up the good work and that they're so proud of me.
And then the person said, you know you can manifest and create anything that you want.
And I wrote back, I thought that was so interesting. Like really do have some inside track that I don't
know, and PS, please explain. So I wrote back any tips on how to do it,
manifesting is something I'm learning about,
but I'm not a master.
And this was interesting.
He said, many tips.
But first, start by creating a morning ritual,
instead of waking up and going straight to your phone.
Also, imagine that you already have what you want
and manifest it.
And this was interesting to me because I had worked super hard
in this a while ago.
And like with anything, I'm going nine million different
directions and back when I was really leaning
into my speaking business, I had this whole thing written out
and I used to read it every single day.
And it was all about how I'm the top speaker in the US and I am making millions of dollars.
All these really crystallized specific goals
and I would read it every day
as if it was done real and happening.
And I've forgotten about it since the pandemic hit
because number one, that isn't possible right now, right?
So just reminded me that this person sent me that note,
hey, I need to get back to that.
I need to get back to putting out to the world what it is I want and what it is I'm going for and
making happen because God knows I am going for so much and making so much happen. But why don't I
get back to that simple practice that takes a couple of minutes a day that seemed to have been
working great for me before
pandemic it.
You know, why not implement that now?
So I challenge you to think about what are some of the good things, good practices that
you had in place before pandemic that maybe you've forgotten about and maybe manifesting
one of them.
And if it is, let's go.
Let's do it together.
Let's put it back in motion.
I am so doing it.
I'm back in.
We need to get back to the grind in the most positive and supported way.
And I really believe there's nothing bad that can come from it.
There's only good that can come from it.
So giddy up, let's go.
And we all need some good.
Okay.
Today, oh my gosh, wouldn't you know, this is so crazy.
My life is freaking crazy.
Even in pandemic, it's crazy. So I used to work with a young man years
ago. I was in radio. I was a VP of sales at the time. And I
sort of took this young man under my wing. He was very rookie,
very young. And I just could see he didn't know what he was
doing. And he wasn't getting the support he needed. I actually
forgot about that. He told me today. And took him under my wing and I started working with him
and I started going on sales calls with him and teaching him because I wanted to help him.
And I thought he didn't know what he was doing. And he worked for, he was in my company, right?
He wasn't my direct report, but he was in the organization I was running. Okay, so he ends up leaving
a couple years later. I don't remember why. This is a long time ago. And fast forward to, I don't know, a month ago,
he reaches out to me on LinkedIn.
And now he's a VP of sales for a company.
And he wanted to bring me on to be a keynote speaker
for his sales team, which is in Singapore,
Brazil, London, and Miami.
And it's a publishing company.
And I was so excited.
I said, oh my gosh, this is fantastic.
And yeah, let's work out logistics and whatnot.
But if possible, if we can make it work, I'd like to do it.
So we end up working everything out.
It was great.
And today was the day I had to get the speech.
Remember, my mentor died last night.
So I cried like crazy yesterday.
I did not sleep that great last night, obviously.
It was really upset. And then this morning I was crying again too. So I just decided, I'm
not going to do my hair or makeup, I don't even care. And I know that sounds so lame, but
typically I really try when I'm doing an event, right? Even from Zoom I try. I decided I'm just
going to tell them the truth. And I did, and I started crying a little bit at the beginning of the meeting, but then
I really got into my talk and I became my powerful speaking version of me.
And it went killer, so good.
And we did a Q&A after and it was great and they were all glowing nuts.
So I was super pleased with how everything went today, considering the mindset and mind
frame I was in
with having just lost my mentor.
So I was really proud of myself,
and I also said to myself,
what would Bob say if he was here right now?
I said that to myself this morning,
and I know what he would say, kiddo, come on, let's go.
You can bring value to them,
you can support and help them,
you can teach them,
this can be part of the footprints in the sand you're leaving.
You need to show up for me.
And so that's what I told myself.
That's what I did.
I kept it real and told the truth, and then I went all in and delivered, and I'm super
proud of myself doing that.
So yes, some days are really freaking hard, some are harder than others, but when we put
our best foot forward and remember the why, why are we doing this you know why are we
showing up why are we sharing our message or teachings why are we in this situation you know I
remembered him and that pushed me to show up this morning and I might not have looked my best but I
killed it so I was super proud of that okay so one of the questions that I did a Q&A at the end and
one of the questions that came up is an interesting question because it keeps coming to me. So I have to
address it again. One of the people asked, how do you say no to things? And it's such
an interesting question because no is a complete sentence. No does not need to be explained.
No does not need to be described or justified. No. And here's the thing, the more that we're at home,
the more that our schedules are crazy, the more that we're in back-to-back zooms, the more
we're going to have to start saying no. And I've totally made that pivot. And I'm saying notice
so much now, we're at the beginning. I wasn't. I was just taking anything and everything. But as we
begin to determine where is the best use of our time? Where is our best ROI, our return on our investment,
or our return on our time, ROT, and that's how we can make better decisions.
We need to evaluate.
If sitting on the phone with your friends in the middle of the day isn't paying dividends,
probably not the best use of your time.
You need to figure out for you where is your time best spent.
Working out for me, check, check, and check.
I've got to do that or I lose my flip in mind, you know, so I've learned over time. That's a priority. What are the other priorities?
Revenue drivers building up the funnel of pipeline of people I can sell products and services to like there's a number of different things and when I get breaks
I want to expand my brand expand my message and I'll go as a guest on to other podcasts or you know say yes to other
expand my message and I'll go as a guest onto other podcasts or say yes to other opportunities. But very often now, I am saying no.
And I don't apologize for saying no.
I'll say something like, unfortunately, my schedule is completely full.
And I don't have time right now to be a guest on your show.
Would love to touch back on this in six months and see if things have
changed. Thank you for considering me. Just something nice like that. You don't have to, you know,
get in the weeds on it. Just, unfortunately, that's not going to work right now, but I appreciate
you asking. And that's fine. That's fine to say, no, to people. So it's really about figuring out
what your priorities are, constantly reevaluating them, because mine keep changing. When I first launched
the mentoring program, that was my priority and filling the pipeline for the next month. But now the executive coaching
program is paying better dividends and that's becoming more of a priority. So things are changing.
Plus my Harper Collins deadlines are coming up. So the book is becoming a priority. Plus we're
making the decision to launch more podcasts episodes. So that's changing in priority. So it's this constant evaluation at the beginning of each week.
Okay, do I have free time this week?
Where, you know, should I allocate that free time?
Is it researching click funnels?
Is it researching, you know, SEO?
Is it researching Shopify?
Or is it being a guest on a different show?
Or is it, you get the point, spending more time figuring out
who my next guests are, constantly reevaluating
because those are moving targets.
And in the world we live right now,
everything is changing so quickly that we've got
to constantly reevaluate what we're doing.
And sometimes you just want to hang with your kid.
So make those decisions, say no without an apology,
you don't need to feel bad and you don't need to justify it.
Until next week, and by the way, our new shows,
hopefully they're lied by the time you're hearing us
or they're coming live right while you're hearing us
this same week.
Can't wait to hear back from you on that.
Let me know if you like the new shorter episodes
that we're adding in.
We're gonna be running three episodes a week
till we get feedback from you on if you like them.
And please let me know.
If you like the topics we're covering,
if you'd like to see something else covered,
let us know and we will make it happen
here's to creating confidence in your life and mine
until I see you next time.
I decided to change that tiny amount
and the life they're around.
I couldn't be more excited
for what you're gonna hear
and start learning and growing. And inevitably something will happen. I hope you're enjoying this episode so far.
I'm Jennifer Cohen, host the top ranking business and entrepreneur podcast, Habits and Hustle, apart the YAP media network, the number one business and
self-improvement podcast network. So, most people live the life they get and
not the life they want, and I'm here to change all that. My goal with each
episode is to give you the habits and hustle tips you need to show up to your life better,
bigger, and bolder. Tune in now, and I'll not only help you answer the questions like what do you
want most in life and why don't you have it, but we'll also help you make it a reality. I also
picked the brains of top thought leaders on how they've gone to the top and the advice they have
to help you get there too.
Head over to Happets and Hustle once you've done listening to this episode and get one
step closer to boldness, one episode at a time.