Creating Confidence with Heather Monahan - STOP Blocking Your Own Success With Heather! Episode 190

Episode Date: February 9, 2022

In This Episode You Will Learn About:  Refocusing your energy for success   Embracing acceptance  How to reflect on our responses to stress  Resources: Overcome Your Villains is Available N...OW! Order here: https://overcomeyourvillains.com  If you haven't yet, get my first book Confidence Creator Buy your SINGLE, TAKEN, BUILDING MY EMPIRE Candle Show Notes:  Negativity brings nothing but MORE negativity. Repeating the same thing over and over again is not a strategy for success, so remember to take time to reflect before reacting. Don’t give someone else power over you; take control of your own emotions! The more we can become self aware, the better we can understand ourselves and who we are. When we know who we are, we feel motivated and inspired to accomplish our goals!   See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Starting point is 00:00:46 Come on, this journey with me. Each week when you join me, you're going to chase down our goals, overcome adversity and set you up for a better tomorrow. After you're asleep, I'm ready for my close time. Hi, and welcome back. I'm so glad you're back with me this week. Okay, so I want wanna start with a story, something that happened to me a couple of days ago that I think you might get some value out of.
Starting point is 00:01:13 I know that this woman got some value out of it. Okay, as you know, I do some executive one-on-one coaching and I've been coaching a woman who's an attorney for a little while. And I got a coaching a woman who's an attorney for a little while. And I got a 911 message from her that she needed an emergency meeting. And I jumped on a call with her right away. I had the time I was actually driving in the car, just dropped my son off at school. I literally think I'm an Uber driver by the way.
Starting point is 00:01:40 No one has any idea how much I drive. It's ridiculous. But anyhow, okay, that's about to get better in other news. But okay, so I call her immediately and I say, what is going on? And I was in a good mood, you know, I just dropped my son off and had a good morning. She was not in a good mood. She was spiraling out of control
Starting point is 00:02:01 and she started telling me about another attorney who's more senior than she is in her firm had sent her a nasty email. Now, here's the thing. We've all gotten nasty emails from coworkers and people at work and customers and family members and friends. It's happened to us and it stinks. It's not fun. It's not pleasant.
Starting point is 00:02:23 But I could hear in this woman's voice, this was other level. She had taken it other level. She was really emotional, very angry. So she starts telling me the whole story, how, you know, I am not letting this person gaslight me and, you know, it's a male-dominated industry. And it's so wrong that women have to put up with this,
Starting point is 00:02:43 which she's so flipping right. She's totally right. She was not wrong in anything that she said. And I'm letting her empty her glass and tell me the whole story. And so I said, so then what happened? She said, well, so I fired back and emailed him. So, you know, he sent her a nasty email.
Starting point is 00:02:57 She sent a nasty email back. And I said, then what happened? And then another nasty email came back. And then someone else got involved. And, you know, it started spiraling out of control going nowhere good. So in situations like this, you know, I call it circling the drain, right, picture a sink and the drain and you're just like swimming around at the bottom, you just, you just keep circling and circling. You're not going anywhere. There is no resolution in sight.
Starting point is 00:03:26 You're in this gross place circling a drain. Right? There's nothing beautiful or beneficial about it. And you just keep going round and round and round. Now listen, in full transparency, I have circled the drain many times of my life. This is why I'm an expert at it. No, but truly, you know, when I worked with that woman that hated me and treated me terribly, I was circling the drain with her all the time.
Starting point is 00:03:48 I wasn't taking any new approach or changing course. I just was, you know, she would treat me badly. I'd be upset. I'd go hide in my little cave. I'd be angry. You know, I'd come back and pretend nothing happened. That was circling the drain for us, right? It looked different, but it's still the same thing.
Starting point is 00:04:03 It's the same concept. You're dealing with a negative person, a negative situation, a negative context, culture, whatever, environment, behavior, whatever it is, and you're repeating the same bad behaviors again and again and again, the outcome doesn't change, and you're exhausted, you're putting more and more energy out there, nothing good is coming from it.
Starting point is 00:04:26 Circling the drain is not a strategy for success. So think about in your life, is there anywhere that you are currently circling the drain, right? I mean, I might have to say that me just going to Soul Cycle for months on end is sort of a form of circling the drain, right? I need to mix it up. I have to put weight lifting in. I just love Soul Cy cycle outside so much. So I'm just giving them like different types of examples,
Starting point is 00:04:49 but just think in your life where you've been circling the drain, you know, because we've all done it. Hopefully you're not doing it right now. If you are, it's time to change course. So she empty circle ass tells me the whole story, and I said, listen, number one, you're not going to like my response. Number two, here it is.
Starting point is 00:05:05 So you are way too emotional right now to be doing anything. If you're this emotional now and all is just transpired, oh my gosh, I can't believe how you must have felt when you actually fired this email off. There is no place in business for emotion. When you're that angry, don't take action. That's when you take a breath, pause, call a friend, call a mentor, call your coach, go for a run, do whatever you need to do to get your head right
Starting point is 00:05:30 and breathe for a minute, because when you react to what someone else does, like this, in this visceral way, you are allowing them to control you. You're giving them power over you. Let me say that again. When you react to what someone else says or does, you're giving them power over you and Let me say that again. When you react to what someone else says or does, you're giving them power over you and you are allowing them to control you.
Starting point is 00:05:49 I am not for that. The converse of that is when that woman tried to fire me, you know, she passed those two memos to me. She had this huge smile on her face, thinking she was going to control me, that I was going to react, start crying, panic, and beg for the money and sign the deal that she wanted me to sign. I didn't that I was gonna react, start crying, panic, and beg for the money and sign the deal that she wanted me to sign. I didn't, I didn't react. I stayed calm, I took a deep breath,
Starting point is 00:06:11 I gave myself a few seconds and I thought I didn't write either one of these memos, why would I sign them? I don't need to react. I'm out of here and I left and I took all of the power out of that room. So he who stays the most calm wins every time in a situation like this. So I explained to her, here's how I would have handled it differently, and I suggest that she try in the future, is if someone sends you this crazy email, which is totally inappropriate and attacking
Starting point is 00:06:41 and gaslighting and awful, take a moment, catch your breath, remember, he who stays the most calm wins and respond back. Wow, it sounds like you're really upset right now. I know that email can be difficult to always understand in the intent that it's sent. So why don't I give you a call so I can hear what's happening with you? Right, you're showing yourself as a leader. You're showing up as the leadership individual in this exchange. Someone's attacking you, acting inappropriate,
Starting point is 00:07:09 unprofessional, and you respond back in a really powerful, strong, clear, calm manner. That's a leader. Hello. I don't care what your title is. You are the leader when you pull that card. So she said, well, I'm mad at him. That's not what I want to do. I said, okay, let me walk you through why, well, I'm mad at him. That's not what I wanna do. I said, okay, let me walk you through why though.
Starting point is 00:07:27 I'm showing that I'm in control of me. I'm not gonna react to you. I'm not gonna allow you to control me, which is what that person wanted. That person wants you to circle the drain with them. They're going nowhere. I'm not gonna circle the drain with them. And picture yourself literally circling the drain.
Starting point is 00:07:42 You'll think, why am I doing this? So I asked her to picture that. And then I said, okay, you get on the phone with the guy, you're very calm, he's not calm, obviously we know that, but you are, and we say, okay, explain to me what happened, I'm confused. Now this, I write about this in my book, Overcoming your villains, I have a chapter on this, you team up a difficult situation with, I'm confused, it's really powerful. It's not attacking, you're not yelling at the other person, you're not accusing them of anything, you're not begging for help,
Starting point is 00:08:13 but you're basically saying, hmm, I must be missing something because this doesn't add up to me. I'm confused. So you're forcing the other person to empty their glass more, tell you more and get to the bottom of what's really going on. You know, when that individual, if that individual had been approached that way, I guarantee this. I will bet everything on this. That that individual would have gone circling the drain like crazy, you know, saying the most awful things.
Starting point is 00:08:40 And if she kept asking open-ended, calm, probing questions, he probably would have gotten to a place where he said, you know what, my family's sick right now with COVID or I'm under a lot of financial stress right now with what's going on in the markets or I just lost a big client and I'm sorry I'm taking this out on you. Because one thing I know for sure,
Starting point is 00:08:59 people are more tense now in a global pandemic than ever, truly than ever. It's so, it's creepy and sad and painful and true. So you never know the short fuse why it's there and what's really lying beneath the surface with someone, but I know that that person wasn't that mad at this woman for the small thing that happened at work. There was so much more there.
Starting point is 00:09:26 And the goal with I'm confused is to really to get that person to empty that glass so that you can get all of the information and you probably won't have to say much the person would probably apologize. So don't circle the drain, moral of the story, don't circle the drain and don't react to what someone says to you,
Starting point is 00:09:46 become and then respond. So I hope that helps. I promise you that is the right strategy. Don't circle the drain, don't react, don't give somebody else power over you. Okay, now this is kind of crazy. Over, gosh, well, truly since the pandemic hit for me, things had been really, really hard.
Starting point is 00:10:05 And one of the things I've been realizing, and this is also why it was so hard for me getting fired, is that I love control. And that's not something that I've really been self aware of my whole life. But as I look back, you know, my childhood was totally out of control. So it's not shocking that as I became an adult, I wanted to put everything in its place and have total control. You know, I wanted to put everything in its place and have total control. I wanted to be in charge. I always had to be the leader.
Starting point is 00:10:27 I always had to be the one calling the shots. And it turns out I'm good at it, but it became, I don't wanna say an obsession, but a way that things had to be. Well, that's not real. And we all know that in theory, right? No one's ever always in control. I can't control the weather. I can't control what happens in the marketplace.
Starting point is 00:10:44 I can't control technology. I can't control other people. But for whatever reason for me, I always wanted control. And I thought when I was in corporate America, I was in control. When I got fired, I felt completely out of control. And that sent me into this fear spiral, which was really bad, right? Not helpful. That did not help propel me forward to where we are today. But I've been trying to self-reflect and the more we can become self-aware, the more we can understand ourselves. And I'll tell you this podcast and the people that I've interviewed in
Starting point is 00:11:14 the last couple of years on this show have really opened my eyes to who I am and where I can go and where I should go and where I actually am going now. It's been like a self-awareness journey. I hope it has been for you too. And I hope you take this episode to really reflect on yourself over the past couple of years and why you respond the way you do, why you've made some of the decisions you've made. So I understand that when I first got fired,
Starting point is 00:11:40 I felt completely out of control. That sent me into a fear spiral, which did not help. That did not help me, did not help me, it did not help my business. Over a little bit of time, by 2019, I was able to start turning things around and my speaking business was blowing up and I was finally feeling like I had a little tiny bit of certainty,
Starting point is 00:11:57 which made me feel really happy because remember I was wanting to be in control and have certainty. And so then the pandemic hit. And for me, it was all over again. Oh my gosh, no certainty. How am I going to be safe? How am I going to take care of bills?
Starting point is 00:12:12 How am I going to pay for things? How will I take care of my son? It was really bad for me. And so the funny thing is it actually now, for the first time, here we are two years, and then I'm understanding it's a blessing for me. And that's so crazy, because people used to say that it's me trying to find the blessing. And I'd be like, screw you, there's no freaking blessing.
Starting point is 00:12:33 My money's out the window, no speaking engagements, and my kids on virtual school, I want to jump out a window. National security experts are warning. Our aging power grid is more vulnerable than ever. January marked a third time at power station in North Carolina was damaged by gunfire. Authorities are saying the attack raises a new level of threat. Authorities are now checking our grid for vulnerabilities. They've identified nine key substations.
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Starting point is 00:16:00 your success every step of the way. I love Shopify. What's been incredible for me about Shopify is how no matter how big you wanna grow, Shopify is there to empower you and give you the confidence and control to revolutionize your business and take your business to the next level. Now to your turn, get serious about selling
Starting point is 00:16:17 and try Shopify today. This is Possibility powered by Shopify. Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify.com slash monahen all lowercase. Go to Shopify.com slash monahen to take your business to the next level today. Shopify.com slash monahen. So I get now today. It took me two years to realize this that it was a blessing for me because I still was trying to re-assimilate that same individual I was in corporate America. I was just trying to do it working for myself. I was trying to be in control, find the certainty, command
Starting point is 00:16:58 that things had to be a certain way. That's not real. And this pandemic has taught me this, but the funny thing is, it was never real. None of us are in control of everything. And we can dilute ourselves and pretend we are, but it's gonna hurt us in the end. It definitely hurt me. And I want you to know this. You're not in control.
Starting point is 00:17:16 I'm not in control. And that's okay. And so it's taking me a really long time to get to this place. And I'm a work in progress. Believe you me, I wake up someday, and I still think, oh my gosh, panic. I'm not in control. And I have to talk to this place. And I'm a work in progress, believe you me, I wake up someday as I still think, oh my gosh, panic, I'm not in control. And I have to talk to myself and say, I never was in control.
Starting point is 00:17:31 And I've always been okay, and things have always worked out, and they still will always work out. The more common centered and positive I can get and get myself back to the sooner I can find solutions, become creative and build, and find success. So enjoy, of course, which is the ultimate success. But when I get into that trying to control,
Starting point is 00:17:52 I get negative, fearful, and angry, and that blocks my success. So anyways, I've had this big epiphany, and it all started really with the pandemic happening, and some of the things that I've seen happen that I'm actually, I'm mapping it out. So I already know this. Every time I come up with a book idea,
Starting point is 00:18:10 I start building a map. And so I started mapping out this week what I'm talking to you about right now. So I know this is gonna be my third book. I'm just sure of it. Why else would I be mapping it out the same way I did my first two books? So kind of cool, but I'm writing down
Starting point is 00:18:24 all of these different things that happened, but I'm writing down all of these different things that happened, what I learned, where these paths led me and from going to dinner one night during the pandemic with a girlfriend and her giving this talk about forgiveness and how important it was. And I had never thought about bringing forgiveness into my life as an intention and as a practice to start working on to forgive myself, forgive the woman that fired me, forgive my mother, forgive all these people that I had anger towards in my life. And as I started working through those things, amazing people started showing up in my life. David Nurse, John Gordon, Jordan Montgomery, these three guys who are all amazing, incredible
Starting point is 00:19:02 human beings simultaneously showed up in my life out of nowhere, didn't know any of them, and had each been a blessing and a gift to me, and done so many things for me, you can't believe it behind the scenes who these people are, incredible people, incredible. David and John both, but on the show, clearly I have to have Jordan on show,
Starting point is 00:19:20 you guys have to follow them, they're so amazing, I worship them. Then, you know, dealing with all my book launch issues and all the supply chain issues and things not going the way that I wanted to mandate that they would because I was never in control. But I had been fooling myself, planning for things to go exactly the way that I thought they should go. Right. So as we moved into the end of 2021, I made this big intention that I was going to change things in my life. I was gonna make things easier, not struggle so much,
Starting point is 00:19:50 because the struggle's been real in my life for a really long time. People see the positive wins, and there's a lot of them, there's a lot to be proud of and excited about, but it's always been really hard. And I wanna start making things easier and start being in the flow of life.
Starting point is 00:20:04 This thing I've heard about, but never have really mastered, right? At 47 years old, I really want to start mastering this. And so it's just been incredible of things and the awareness that has started showing up as I started clearing out old stuff out of my house, literally and figuratively. I'm like, Dylan, we're getting rid of everything in this house
Starting point is 00:20:23 that we're not using on a day to day basis. And we just clean this house like crazy in December and got rid of so much stuff. And I put this intention out there that God universe, I'm gonna go with the flow of the universe, I am open to receiving blessings, I am open to wonderful things happening for me, I am open to miracles occurring every day, I am worthy
Starting point is 00:20:44 and I am abundant and I am receiving. And so this was a big thing for me because I've never had a mantra like that ever, nor has that ever been my intent for a year. This year for me is all about receiving and this openness and flow and allowing, allowing and this release, releasing the struggle, right? And letting go that I am in control of everything and letting go of that I even could be, which I can't be, but even just the thought of it that no one has control. And it's still okay that we're supported by something so much bigger and greater than all of us. Whoever that is for you, the universe, God, it doesn't matter what words you use. But we all know there's something much
Starting point is 00:21:25 bigger at work here than us. And so for me, it's about surrendering to that, which is so crazy, because the word surrender has not been in my vocabulary, you know. I'm more about command, control, and now I'm dropping those words and embracing surrender, receive acceptance, right? It's just make things easier. We have that power and it feels really weird because I'm learning this new thing and trying to master this new thing, which is the polar opposite of how I've always thought. And I'm telling you this podcast has played a critical role in this journey and I know I'm only begetting the journey, so it's kind of crazy. I can't wait. And I'm so grateful I have this documented to be able to go back and reflect on, you know, three months from now, six months from now, nine months in a year from now, to see how and where
Starting point is 00:22:14 this takes me. Okay. So one of the things that I became aware of is I work so hard. So when you're a speaker, you're flying all over, you're on or virtual, you're doing zooms all over and you're writing and rewriting speeches, you're there every day doing the work, right? And then as an author, you're the one holding the pen, writing the book. And then as a consultant and as a one-on-one executive coach, you're on the zoom in the meeting doing the work, right? When you're on a board of directors, you're the one in there advising everybody what you do. The things that I do, I have to be there and actually do the work. That's not easy, right? That's a lot of work. As I've grown older, I know this.
Starting point is 00:22:53 I want to do things that I don't have to be there for every day to make me money. I want that for you, too, whether a lot of people invest in properties and own multiple properties and they don't have to be there and they're growing income because of decisions they made, I want to have something similar. And as I put this intent out there, as I've written down my goals, you know, as I read them daily, as I visualize my life being easier and money coming in, even more than I've ever made before and abundance and gratitude and all these positive things happening, all of a sudden the other day, I think it was two weeks ago. I'm sitting at a table in my house and I'm looking in front of me and there's this beautiful candle,
Starting point is 00:23:33 which I received as a gift in 2019 from a very dear friend of mine who had started her own candle company. And it's engraved and it's engraved with the quotes from my first book, Confidence Creator, and inside the candle is personally engraved to me from her, my friend Annabel. And I'm sitting here and I'm looking at it, and this has been in my house, it's a huge, gorgeous candle, I mean, the thing is unbelievable.
Starting point is 00:23:59 It's been in my house since 2019, and somehow I just forgot about it until this moment. But again, don't forget I've been putting all this work out there about this intent and all, you know, I'm every day waking up and saying, God, please close the doors that are no longer meant for me and please open the ones that are universe. I know you have my back. I trust that things will work out. I trust I will be in the flow and the answers will come to me. I am in receiving mode. I am grateful. And I see this candle. And suddenly, I remembered that morning I had received a DM from someone saying, Heather, I love your post on LinkedIn. How do I keep them with me everywhere I go? I print them out very often,
Starting point is 00:24:38 but it doesn't look nice in my office. Is there a nicer way I could do it? And I thought, oh my gosh, that's such a good idea. I don't know. And I'm sitting there looking at this candle. And immediately I 911, my friend Annabel, I said I need to speak to you immediately. She calls me, she's like, what's going on? I said, you and I need to create a collab together around all of my posts, all of my quotes,
Starting point is 00:24:59 all of my powerful moments for my books and around my hashtag boss and heels, hashtag confidence creator, to help support people when they need that messaging in their home, not just on the podcast, not just in the book or not just on social. And she's like, done and done, Heather, I love it. I'd love to do this with you.
Starting point is 00:25:17 Mind you, that candle's been sitting in my house since 2019 and I never had that idea. And suddenly just popped into my head and the candle stuck out at me. It was crazy. This is literally like the movie, the secret. Say you have a business idea, but you're not sure what to do next.
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Starting point is 00:26:43 Go to Randalls. You'll see from the hand-cut fresh meats to the fresh produce. There's a reason I call Randalls home. They know fresh. Sincerely food. Sincerely Randalls. So within a couple of days, she comes back to me, and she's like, okay, candles are coming to your house.
Starting point is 00:27:01 The candles arrive. They're gorgeous. They're actually better now than when she launched the company a few years ago. The packaging is five star. The smell of the candle is unbelievable. She has so many different senses. Everything can be personalized on it.
Starting point is 00:27:14 They're so beautiful. And in a world of automation, right? In a world of these cookie cutter responses, to send someone something that has a personal note from you is amazing and different and unique and special. So anyways, I partnered with her on this. We have the site up and I wanted to go to market
Starting point is 00:27:34 for Valentine's Day and here's why, there's so many people that have normalized it. If you're not in a relationship on Valentine's Day, that's bad. And I'm not saying it's great, right? Cause I'm single and it's definitely, it can be challenging. But I want people to remember that you are not bad or good
Starting point is 00:27:51 if you're in a relationship or not, right? I've been married, I've been engaged twice, I've been divorced, I've been single, I am single. I've been all the things and it doesn't mean you're a better or worse person depending on what box you check, right at that time. So I wanted people to know you are enough, no matter what box you do check.
Starting point is 00:28:10 So we launched a candle, which you can get right now, it will link will be in the show notes that has the box to check single, the box to check taken, and the box to check building your empire. And that's the one we checked on this one. But I want you to know, it doesn't matter who you are, it doesn't matter what box you check, if you check all none or any, it doesn't matter. You are enough already with who you are inside, just be you. And so I wanted
Starting point is 00:28:35 this candle to be available for people. I'm sure there's a woman in your life that you know that is single, that might be bummed out, that might not see her potential that might not know her greatness that you see. Please I would love it if you would personalize one of these candles for her and give her a note inside that you have her back that you see her potential and that you know she's enough. So any personalization any note you want can go inside check it out right now. Link is in the show notes. I'm super proud. I'm so proud of my girl Annabelle. I love the collab. Wait till you see these products, they're flipping amazing.
Starting point is 00:29:10 It's literally all the quotes from my posts. We picked all the ones that have gone viral. So data doesn't lie, we're leaning into the data. But really this is about you personalizing and have the opportunity to affect and impact somebody's life on what could be a difficult day. You can turn that around for them. So I hope that you love it.
Starting point is 00:29:27 I hope you love this episode. Let me know if you do. Share with your friends. Please leave a review. Please, and tag me in the post when you share it. I will respond. I will repost and that will tell me that you like this episode and that you want more of this.
Starting point is 00:29:42 And I will create the content that you want more of. I'm doing this for you. I'm so grateful for you. Please check out the candles and let me know what you think. I can't wait to hear. And by the way, when I create these ideas and go after these things, I have no idea if we'll sell any candles or millions of candles, right? I just know, move fast, break things, test and try the marketplace. We'll let you know what works. You don't need to figure that out. Let the universe show us the way. All right, we're moving in the flow and we're doing it with confidence.
Starting point is 00:30:12 Until next week, keep creating your confidence. I decided to change that time and the end of it. I couldn't be more excited than we were. What you're getting here is starting to learn. You can inevitably something will happen. No one succeeds alone. You don't stop and look around once in a while. You can miss it.
Starting point is 00:30:33 I'm on this journey with me. I hope you're enjoying this episode so far. I'm Jennifer Cohen, host the top ranking business and entrepreneur podcast, Habits and Hustle. Apart the YAP media network, the number one business and self-improvement podcast network. So most people live the life they get and not the life they want. And I'm here to change all that. My goal with each episode is to give you the habits and hustle tips you need to show up to your life better, bigger, and bolder. Tune in now, and I'll not only help you answer the questions like, what do you want most
Starting point is 00:31:10 in life and why don't you have it, but we'll also help you make it a reality. I also picked the brains of top thought leaders on how they've gone to the top and the advice they have to help you get there too. Head over to Happets and Hussle. Once you've done listening to this episode and get one step closer to boldness, one episode at a time.

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