Criminal - Everyday Genius

Episode Date: December 16, 2016

To close out 2016, we're bringing you two lighter stories of people exhibiting everyday genius under. . . unusual circumstances. Comedian Dave Holmes' story begins with an upsetting phone call from the IRS. Then we meet a Baton Rouge attorney with a story of wild resourcefulness at Louisiana State Penitentiary, also known as Angola. A word of caution, this episode contains language that may not be suitable for everyone. Say hello on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. Sign up for our occasional newsletter, The Accomplice. Follow the show and review us on Apple Podcasts: iTunes.com/CriminalShow. We also make This is Love and Phoebe Reads a Mystery. Artwork by Julienne Alexander. Check out our online shop.  Episode transcripts are posted on our website. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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That's BotoxCosmetic.com. That's BotoxCosmetic.com. Hi, it's Phoebe. This is our last episode of 2016, and we want to say thank you so much for listening to Criminal and coming out to live events and for all of your tweets and emails. We read every single one. To close out the year, we thought we'd bring you two lighter stories. We hope you like them.

We certainly had a lot of fun putting them together. So here you go. So what has your experience with customer service been in the past? I mean, are you just like everyone who hates when they have to deal with this stuff? Oh, sure. Yeah, absolutely. I immediately go to the place of like, I've done something wrong. You know, my credit card company calls me, even if it's good news, and I feel like I'm going to the principal's office. I just never want to get a call from anybody in a cubicle who I don't know. This is Dave Holmes. You might know him from his work on MTV as a VJ in the 90s.

He's also a writer and a comedian. And earlier this year, he found himself in a tricky situation. I was behind the wheel of my car. I had gone to like one of those crazy hard like CrossFit classes. And I left and I was a little woozy in the head and not quite myself. And it like it takes a minute for you to recover and to become you again after those. Like if you really go hard. Dave had left his phone in the car during the class. And when he looked at it, he saw that he had missed a call from Delaware. And there was a voicemail.

It was an automated call from the Internal Revenue Service about a lawsuit that was being filed against him. And here's the thing. Like, because, as I've told you, I have a history of being a tiny bit gullible and to always think that I'm being called to the carpet, I was like, oh, I'm in trouble. And I had been audited in the year 2000, which was a huge bureaucratic, you know, paperwork,

crazy nightmare. I ended up not owing anything at all, which was great. But when he got this call, he immediately thought, oh no, it's all over. He called back terrified. And Dave says the man who answered explained that he was following up on a letter the IRS had sent in the mail, indicating that Dave owed the government $4,500. So I was like, oh, okay, well, I didn't get it. And I'm sure my voice is starting to get really throaty and panicky. And I was like, well, I didn't get it, but okay, what do I do?

And they were like, well, you have to go to the bank and withdraw the money. And wire it to us today. Because also they said, we'll freeze your accounts. Also, we have a warrant out for your arrest. We've revoked your driver's license and the police have your license plate number. And if they see you out driving, they'll pull you over and take you to jail.

And I said, wait a minute. It's been my understanding, because I have been audited. It's my understanding that all of your communication with me needs to take place through my tax preparer. And they're like, well, we called him. And I was like, well, it's a her.

And I was like, well, did you? Because she didn't try to get a hold of me, and I'm pretty sure she would. And they were like, we're going to put you on hold. And I said, okay. And then they just hung up. And that's when Dave Holmes got an idea. I'm Phoebe Judge. This is Criminal. So I called back like crying. I got on the phone with whoever it was who answered,

who introduced himself as Eric Johnson, Officer Eric Johnson. So I was like, all right, this is terrific. And I said, you know, tell me what can I do? I need to make it right. I can't go to prison. I can't go to prison. I have a family. And he said, okay, I need you to calm down. What you're going to do is you're going to go to a bank and you're going to withdraw $4,500.

Like the actual amount was like forty three fifty two or whatever but he was just like take out forty five hundred dollars and i was like yeah we should round up right he's like yeah yes we should round up dave has taken some improv classes he knows how to commit himself to a scene and he'd already gone this far why not give it his all and see what happens he pulled over so he could concentrate. So I, like, opened and closed the door and made little, like, footstep noises. And I, like, did a whole thing between me and the teller. I was just like, um, I'd like to withdraw $4,500.

Uh, yes, sir. Just, like, just dim in the background. Just like the Miss Othmar from Peanuts. You know what I mean? Not an actual trombone, just dim in the background. Just like Miss Othmar from Peanuts. You know what I mean? Not an actual trombone, just a muffled voice. And then I pretended to get back into the car. And then I had to go to a Bank of America to deposit it into an account. And they gave me the routing number and the account number.

Dave pretended to drive to Bank of America. And when he told Officer Eric Johnson that he had arrived at the bank, he was put on hold. And like, I can only imagine that he was just like, we got one. Dave said he wanted to talk to a bank teller just to make sure there were no issues. And Officer Johnson flipped out. No, you can't do that. It's actually, this is a, this is a federal case. So it's illegal for you to talk about it with the bank teller. And I was like, oh, that makes perfect sense. That makes perfect.

Thank you so much for telling me that. Dave said he was about to go in and make the deposit. He was just there in his car, making more little sound effects to make it seem real. And then he came back on the line. And I was like, I did it. I did it. I deposited the money. And I could just tell they were like, this is the greatest day of our lives.

We have $4,500 from an idiot. And then another person got on. And he was like, okay, read me, you know, you made the deposit. And I said, yes. Yes, I did. And I think, you know, it was actually me. I said, let me read you what's on the receipt it was actually me I said you know let me read you what's on the receipt that they gave me and he was like you don't actually have to do that and I was

like no I really should and he said okay and uh can I swear yeah okay cool uh I was like um I'm just gonna read I'm gonna read every word uh this says uh you are the worst fucking grifters who have ever lived on the face of the earth. This is the dumbest, most transparent scam in the world. And someday, somebody's going to come at you with something like this, and you're going to fall for it because you're fucking stupid. You're not good at scamming, and you should stop. And if one person falls for this, I hope a piano fucking falls on your head. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. And Officer Doug or whatever said, I am very sorry and hung up the phone. Oh, really? That was it. Hung up the phone. He actually apologized

and he hung up the phone. But that isn't all Dave did. He was so furious and also feeling somewhat victorious at this point that when he got home, he started tweeting the whole story, 140 characters at a time. And as I did, I started to notice that like people, because it was all just kind of coming out of me very quickly. It was in a series of like 50 or so sort of tweets. And I told, I told the whole thing and, and I, and then I started to notice that my mentions were sort of blowing up and people were telling other people about it. And, uh, and I told the whole story and I ended it with, here's the number and, you know, be sure to talk to officer Eric and officer, you know, Kristen and Officer Doug or whoever. Let them know how you feel. And people called the number.

Some even got through. And then the next day, the number was disconnected. Dave's last tweet was, I'm off to the bank to report this account and routing number. Be good to each other, my friends. This October, police raided call centers on the outskirts of Mumbai and took more than 700 people into custody for their suspected involvement in an IRS scam that involved calling Americans and telling them that if they did not pay back taxes in the range from $500 to $60,000, the IRS would raid their home within the hour. The scam was estimated to bring in

$150,000 a day. And according to the Treasury Inspector General, nearly 7,000 victims have collectively lost more than $36 million to IRS scams since October 2013. We encountered this next story when we went to Louisiana to report the story about Tony, the tiger at the truck stop. We spent a few days in and around Baton Rouge, collecting interviews for a few different stories. And one of the people we met is a retired attorney who agreed to speak with us if we agreed not to use her real name.

One day the judge called and asked me to come and stand with this person who had been raping women from Texas to Florida, and everybody was aware of it. It was in the news and so forth. Caroline is 80 years old and lives in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, where she practiced law for many years. She didn't practice criminal law, but in small towns,

she says judges could ask lawyers to step in and do whatever was needed. So the judge asked Caroline if she'd just stand with the defendant while he pled guilty. And I said, Judge, I'm wearing slacks. The judge didn't allow women in slacks in his courtroom. And he said, Well, it's okay. It's not an open court. So I went over there, and I talked with this person for about an hour. His name was John. John Simonis pled guilty and was sentenced to multiple life sentences at Louisiana State Penitentiary for rape, burglary, and auto theft. Decades passed. Caroline retired from the practice of law and did some occasional

work with a mental health facility in Jackson, Louisiana, and sometimes went out to Louisiana State Penitentiary, also known as Angola. And on one summer day, when she was in her early 70s, she was making that trip to Angola and remembered John Simonas. It was a bloody hot day. It was in the summer. It was July, August. I had a little Mazda hatchback with poor air conditioning. And I was thinking on the way out there that, you know, I should visit this person, John, whom I had stood with when he entered guilty plea in this little town. Why would you want to visit this guy again?

Because I felt sorry for him. No one visited him. But when she got to the prison, she was told that she could not see John Simonis or any of the inmates because there was a problem with what she was wearing. They told me I could not go into the facility wearing this denim jacket that I had on, and I said, well, why not? And they said, well, we don't let any visitors wear denim in the facility because they may be mistaken for inmates. What did the denim jacket look like that you were wearing? Can you describe it?

I can show it to you, but that's not going to help this. Sissy Spacek wore that denim jacket in A Coal Miner's Daughter. It's a J. Jill, and it has the buttons that are covered. And it's kind of loose, long sleeves. But anyway, that was the rule. And they told me I'd have to take it off. And I said, well, I don't want to take it off because I just have a t-shirt on under here and I'm not wearing a bra. And they said, oh, well, you know, you'll have to get a bra. And so I had traveled out. It was an hour and a half in the heat.

And they said, you can go back to Baton Rouge and get a bra. And I said, well, I'm not going to do that. It's too hot. And I've already spent an hour and a half doing this. So they said, well, you can't go in unless you get a brassiere on because you're not going to go in in a T-shirt without a brassiere. Caroline continued to argue with the guards, asking them to explain what exactly the problem was.

And they said they didn't make the rules. No one was allowed to go in wearing a denim jacket, and women could not go in without a bra. And they weren't going to make any exceptions to the rule when it was perfectly obvious that there was little chance of my arousing the inmates at age 72. Do you often not wear a bra? No comment. Why didn't you just at that point say, I'm going to just try another day? Because it was hot.

An hour and a half, it's not pleasant going out there. It takes an hour and a half to get there, and then you wait and you wait and you wait. It's not a trip that I enjoy any time of year, but especially not in July or August. Caroline's resourceful. She thought to herself, where can I find the nearest woman? Which wasn't going to be that easy. Angola is in the middle of nowhere, Louisiana. But about a mile from the prison, there is a tiny post office. And she thought, what the hell? Maybe I can borrow a bra. When I drove away, I thought, aha, that little post office is there. I'm just going to go in and ask the post lady if she would consider that.

And I know it was pretty outrageous, but I wanted to visit him. I feel sorry for people there, I really do. I know they've committed all kinds of crimes, but they lead such a solitary existence. I wanted to be sure that trip was worth what I wanted. So Caroline walks into the tiny post office, and lo and behold, the postal worker was in fact a woman, but she wasn't alone. There was a man in there getting something, and she leaned toward me, and she said, can I help you? And I said, yes, but I'll wait.

So I waited until this person left, and I told her my predicament. I said, you know, I want to visit this person. I've come all the way in the heat. And I was wondering if you would rent me your bra for just about an hour. And she looked at me very strangely. I think she was a little bit scared of me because it was an unusual request. And I had explained everything. And she finally, you know, we talked a little while and she finally relaxed. And she said, okay, but she says, I have to go back and take it off, which she did, came back. The bra was much too big for me, but it was a bra.

When you went back to the guard desk, when you went back to Angola with this borrowed bra, which you might have looked, did you look a little ridiculous in it because it was bigger? Yes. You did? Yes, but they didn't question whether I was wearing a bra. I guess they figured that out. Caroline went in and met with John Simonas for about an hour and a half. And the woman at the post office was left there, waiting on customers

with no bra, because she just handed it over to a 72-year-old stranger. And when I came back, she was still there. The post office was still open, thank goodness. And I offered to pay her. And she says, oh, no, you're not going to pay me for that. I said, well, I'm going to give you just five so you can get a six-pack of cold beer for your boyfriend. And she was reluctant to take it, but she did. I just left it on the counter and thanked her profusely. I don't think I would have cooperated. I'm trying to think if I would be generous, kind of a generous heart.

Maybe I would say, you know what, just keep it. I don't need you to come back. Keep what? Keep the bra. If I had gone to all that trouble, you know. If you had handed it to me, you would have said, well, she didn't. Not everybody thinks like you. Criminal is produced by Lauren Spohr, Nadia Wilson, and me. Audio mix by Rob Byers.

Our intern is Alice Wilder. Special thanks to Russ Henry. Julian Alexander makes original illustrations for each episode of Criminal. You can see them at thisiscriminal.com, where you can see our brand new t-shirt designs, and we even have tote bags. If you'd like one of these things for a last minute christmas present order now and we'll get it in the mail to you right away

criminal is recorded in the studios of north carolina public radio wunc we're a proud member of radiotopia from prx a collection of the best podcasts around shows like the west wing weekly a podcast about the much-loved aaron sorkin tv show the west wing it's co-hosted by joshua Thank you. And another new Radiotopia show, The Bugle, with Andy Zaltzman. A brilliant and funny satirical show about the week's news, hosted by Andy, with co-hosts like Wyatt Sinek and Helen Zaltzman. Go listen. Radiotopia from PRX is supported by the Knight Foundation and MailChimp, celebrating creativity, chaos, and teamwork. And thanks to AdCirc for providing their ad-serving platform to Radiotopia. Thanks very much for listening this year, and until next year, I'm Phoebe Judge.

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