Critical Role & Sagas of Sundry - CelebriD&D with Joe Manganiello (Full Version)

Episode Date: June 10, 2024

Recently unearthed from the archives comes the full version of CelebriD&D with Joe Manganiello! This episode features actor Joe Manganiello (Archenemy, Magic Mike XXL, Justice League) as the Dragonborn paladin/barbarian Arkhan joining forces with Critical Role's Matthew Mercer (Dungeon Master), Marisha Ray, and Taliesin Jaffe, alongside Nerdist's Dan Casey and Jessica Chobot on a mission of life and death as they delve into an abandoned temple in search of an ancient relic. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Archon's dreams reveal these messages from his patron. His divine mistress, dreams that he believes reveal a wholly imperative that she has gifted upon him. I am Joe Manginello, and I'm Arcon, the cruel, the red, dragon-born Oathbreaker Paladin, and worshiper of TN. I was a hired killer who joined a monastery to try to stop the drinking and killing. and somewhere along the way I wound up breathing fire into a dark room which turned out to be a group of unsuspecting sleeping goblin soldiers and when I heard them screaming and running in flames I never felt so alive in my life and so started drinking and killing again and worshipping five-hundred dragon goddesses and here we are there you have it's very rock and roll it's just my life

No, Archon, your research has brought you months of frustration until you crossed paths with a knowing monk of the Cobalt reserve named Duon. Extracting his understanding of ancient seals and forgotten artifacts of the gods, this gave you the name of the cavern that bears your mark. The vault of Shumas, within the Agrod Mountains of Marquette. Knowing rumor of the dangers within, you've hired a small band of mercenaries to accompany you into the depths of this fault.

Jessica would like to introduce your character. I am the headmistress, a level five human monk. My parents abandoned me at a monastery. I'm really bitter about it. Super pissed, actually. Don't want to be here. Think all these bitches suck. And I'm pretty much just out for things for myself.

I'm Percival, Frederick Steinvarmuio, Kuloski, the Roller III, the human gunsling. and I'm out for a bit of inspiration pre-stream. It's like an origins issue. Hi, I'm Keelith of the Areshaari, doing a bit of a time jump back to when I was good at level five. I'd say Percy and I are taking a little bit of a vacation. It's a working vacation, but...

It's a vacation. And it's a little pre-stream adventure. The name's DuPont, DuPont, DuPont, Dwarven Rogue. If there's coin to be had, I'll be there. You might know me there. Mr. Steele your girl, but you should know me as Mr. Cutch your purse. After days of travel

on the north side of the Marquette Desert and entering the Krague, Agrad Mountains, a few days of camping finally bring you to what the maps tell you is the entrance way to the vault of Schumas. Now you're now standing in the unforgiving sun of the Marquette

sky, cloudless and angry. Before you is the great stone, sand-covered door of the vault. There is no visible mechanism to open it. Well, this seems to be my area of expertise. Being a dwarf, I'm going to investigate. Being a rogue, I'm going to see if there's some sort of hidden mechanism. All right.

Go ahead and roll an investigation check. Let's see. Ten. A big ten. Come on, low DC. Double digits. What's up? It's you boy.

You brush away some of the sand on the door, revealing a faint, detailed design carved across the entirety of its surface. It resembles a mass of snakes, nodding themselves together. for feet and feet and feet until it reaches the top of the mountain. Deep within the center of this mess is a single human face, male, screaming, and his mouth seems to be a small porthole of some kind, about four inches across. Wow, this looks awfully familiar in my teachings at the monastery.

What kind of church did you go to? What class do you teach? It's good to know a lot of things. Yeah. Can I? History? Yeah. I'm trying to.

What are you trying to do? I'm trying to, I don't know, really, but I'm trying to open the fucking door. Is it? Is it something some sort of keyhole, or perhaps does it look more like an inset goes into it? It's roughly about that big around. It looks like either something can be placed into it

or pulled out of it. You're not entirely certain. You just now, thanks to pont-de-pont, realize its existence. It's a screaming snake face with a face, fist hole. This is a very dangerous sort of goonies vibe to it. DuPont, you should put your fist inside see what happened. All right. Oh.

That was easy. Don't stop that was dangerous, he thought to himself. Yeah. I do not. Yes. I'm sure you want to do that? Can I roll up to see if anything clicks in my mind where he shouldn't put his hand in there? Like maybe this is more of a magical.

Go ahead and roll an investigation check. They teach about snakes and face holes at the academy. You should always put your fist in them. Oh, HUD, so shit, Dan, sorry. As far as you concerned, it's super safe. Oh, God smiles upon this. Oh, you're fine, Dan, you're fine. Sometimes like detect traps, anything, no?

Oh, yeah. Before, I mean, look. You're the robe. All right, too. I'm not that much emotionally invested for me. I'm just trying to help you. I have played with the Joe before. He's, I didn't quite

I realize to an extent of how much of a Dungeons and Dragons lineage he comes from. A lot of people I get a chance to play with who are in the intimate industry are either relatively new or wanting to be introduced to it. He's from old stock. He's been doing this for a while. So, no, we had an absolute great time

with the first time we had a chance to play, and this is just a continuation of that awesome experience. Look, you're paying the bills here. You hired us. Put your fist in the hole. Go ahead and make an investigation. Oh, no. Oh, geez, you guys.

Hi Roller over here. Looking at a big old seven. Currently, it looks like this may be some sort of a mechanism to opening the door, but it does not appear to be trapped. It seems safe to me, I'm going to thrust thusly, and I thrust. As your hand reaches about six or seven inches into this small gap in the door,

you find that there's a singular iron rod, maybe an inch in width that seems to act almost like a handle. I'd like to pull. All right, as you wrap your fingers around and give a firm tug on the metal rod, You hear a strange shifting metallic sound. And a series of small needles suddenly protrude and impale your hand on the inside of the opening. Oh, betrayed!

You take eight points of poison damage. Oh no. And I need you to make a Constitution saving throw. Oh, right. Where's my Constitution? This is the worst door ever. Boy, I've had enough. Wow.

You're great at rolling these sevens, huh? Is seven plus my Constitution modifier? Did you just modify? Yeah. Nine. All right. All right. The immediate pain of the needles impaling into your hand, it filters through your body, and as

you withdraw your hand as the needles retract, you guys hear the door suddenly shift and begin to open as it lifts its way across the mountain surface, feeling a darkened past the... The venom does... Pulls through your hand as you feel it begin to course through your system. You are currently poison. But not like a cool Bainway? No, not so much. Can I do a medicine check and see if I can ascertain

if this is a natural poison? Sure. Go ahead. So you said a snake venom. I bet it's a snake venom. It's flying squirrel venom. Oh, that's poor good. That's pretty good.

What is my medicine these days? 21. 21. Okay, as you guys begin to walk towards the entrance way to this dark interior with no light from beyond the bit of sunlight that cascades within. You check DuPont's hand, and sure enough,

the venom itself is coursing through the hand and beginning to find its way through his bloodstream. It doesn't appear to be lethal, but it is somewhat debilitating. Can I go ahead and immediately make like a rough tourniquet to kind of keep this? I hold her hands back. I grab his hand and I use five points from my pool to stop the poison.

Oh, paladin! You watch as a large red-scale dragon boar rushes over. When you say Rush, casually strolls over in his armor, grabs your pulsing, currently endangered hand, and you watch as a sudden burst of divine, warm energy kind of glows from his claw. You feel as if a sudden series of snake bites hit your hand, almost matching the pain of the poison.

However, these multitudes of tiny divine dragon mouths actually draw the venom out of your bloodstream and spit it onto the sand below before the energy dissipates. You are no longer poisoned. I prostrate myself before time at. You're losing an extra foot of height there It's like getting on your knees. This is tiny.

You'll become a true believer. I think, well, I was the only healer in the group. It's always tricky to get somebody who wants to play a cleric. That's always like a really specific thing. But I, yeah, so, DePont stuck his hand. He had to take one for the team and stick his hand in and grab the lever. And in doing so, I peeled himself.

with these poisoned needles that then poisoned his body and luckily having some, you know, healer ability, healed him. Quick, quick check just because I'm curious. What kind of other footprints in this hallway yet? A human or snake prints of any kind? Make an investigation. Well, that's lovely. That's 22. 22. As you guys are going to make your way in, your human eyes, unfortunately, are not well adapted to the dark lightness interior, so you can only really check the area

immediately around the entranceway, unless you have a torch. Did someone say dark vision? No, I said torch. Oh. Sorry, the poison. I did say basic standard of hearing, which apparently is a problem.

You would have a torch on you. All right, I'll kind of take a look around. I want to just see anything that would open the door that wouldn't mind the venom. I'm just sort of curious if that was a trap or if that was a test. Oh, maybe both. Maybe both.

Looking around, you find that there are a series of footprints that lead through here. Most of them, humanoid. One or two that appear to be rather large and a consistent groove. However, these tracks have been untouched for a very long time. The set of dust that has begun to accumulate on top of these places and the atmosphere inside here, which the smell already is of dry rot and burnt dust as you enter. appears the interior has not been touched in quite some time. Okay. So we're inside and what I mean what exactly, like I guess, so we're under the door not we're into?

Yeah, you've moved underneath the door which is partially moved up to reveal about 10 feet of height to move within. And on the inside you see a long natural rock cavern that is very smoothly chiseled on each side, about 25 foot wide, about 40 feet tall. And as you progress forward, you can see a series of columns that line about every 20 or so feet. So the interior, this does appear to be intentionally crafted as some sort of a temple or a structure for living in worship. Okay, and there's nothing else inside of this, inside of this room or this hallway, this chamber?

Not where you're standing now, if you wish to progress further. Okay. Can we check for writing or higher glyphs or anything like that? Sure, make perception check. Yeah, that's pretty good. 23. Wow.

Nice. All right, you begin to, as you guys, move deeper and deeper down this dark hallway. You run your fingers along the wall, ever so carefully to make sure it's not apply too much pressure, but just to feel the variations and the texture. And as you get close enough, the outskirts of Percival's torchlight, you gently brush off

a bit of dust and see there are symbols, not a long string, but singular glyph-like symbols that seem to be occasionally set throughout the hallway. What languages do you know? I know common in Elvin. Okay. You do not recognize. the nature of these various symbols.

Have you found something, headmistress? Yes, I've found some writing along the walls here, but unfortunately I don't know what it says. Anyone? I have Draconic. I've got, Draconic. Worven. Celestial?

Celestial. And primordial. Primordial. Currently, none of you are able to read this language. It looks old and the edges of the designs are very sharp. I wanna say if you could go ahead and make a history role. History. You know, not even just Joe, but just Matt,

I mean everybody, they're really good and you don't realize how good they are until you are playing with them in a group and then it becomes really apparent how bad you are and how good they are. I gotta admit I was extremely impressed and also very intense. to keep up.

Oh, geez, too. Yeah. It's all common to me. Obviously. I didn't study well at school. You're finding it difficult to ascertain the nature of this language directly, but it does appear to be very old. Anybody else get at history? It's not my forte.

It's not mine, I do. I'll give a roll since I'm a reader. What's my new history? History, I think. 23. 23. Not bad. So looking at it, and from your knowledge of Celestial,

it gives you the inclination, because there are similar elements of these symbols, though a bit twisted and reversed. This is abyssal. This is abyssal, isn't it? Okay. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. What do we know about this place? Nothing. This is a little, Akhan. This is. Greetings adventurers. Spring has sprung here in Los Angeles, and that means it's a brief period where it's only 75 degrees instead of 95 degrees. I'll take it.

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That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash critical roll for free shipping and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash critical role. This is possibly more than we bargained for. Do you have any idea or have you done research before you brought us here? I don't read so much. Oh. Yeah, what do I know about this place? From what you've researched, this vault acted as a religious sanctum for an ancient civilization that existed right at the beginning of the age of Arcanaum.

However, the individuals that originally lived within here were systematically slaughtered by an incursion, another religious force, that sent close and locked the vault off. This happened right before a great war called the Calamity or the Divergence. And since then, nobody really knows what resides within, and the only thing that's drawn you to this location are the visions you've had. You've seen the mountain escape. You've seen the hot desert sun. You've seen symbols that are similar to the glutes you've seen on the wall here and the doorway that you came through.

So you know you're at the right place. But as to the actual nature of the interior, you're kind of in the same place as the rest of your party. Okay, and it's a 25 feet wide-ish. About 20-25 foot wide for the current tunnel. Okay, and how far can we see down the tunnel? There is, like, what? I have dark vision up to 60 feet.

Dark vision as well. So as you guys progress forward. I think the humans will stand back with the towers. Yeah, I'm hanging out here. We'll just stare as hard as we can. Thank you, Kevin. Perfect. As you progress past these rows of cracked pillars, deeper, deeper into the darkness.

We're stealthy, by the way. Okay, I am stealthy. I want you guys to both roll out then. It's good. Oh no. Oh, dear, did you? Oh, did you? Oh, what did you do now?

With my modifier, it's an 11. Is it though? Without a one. Natural one. I roll the 16. Okay. Well, as you carefully move forward, you watch as, which by the number of these pillars

you can see are like cracked, a few have fallen just through, whether it be localized seismic activity or just general erosion over time, some of these interior elements that were crafted, have fallen. You notice this as DuPont, looking ahead, does not realize that a large cluster of this broken marble or sandstone like substance

smacks them in the shin with a single step, and he tumbles over onto the ground with a loud yelp. We're gonna need a yelp. Ah! That's my Dwarven Yelp. That was definitely a Dwarven Yelp. Yeah. Keel turned around really fast and panic.

Dug. Oh, God. Thanks. All clear. Clear. Did you say something? No, no. What did you see? It was a stealth maneuver. Recovered. As, as you were, you both quietly. I look at you like, what the fuck? I just started shaking my head. The Hyrdorf, I believe, was just accosted by a rock. As you guys can have a natural inclination towards stone. I'm drawn to it. I'm drawn to it.

You don't need to know about your personal life. That's a bit distressing. It's Mr. DuPont. Progressing forward, an additional 100 or so feet into this tunnel, you begin to descend into a small decline where you see a faint hint of light ahead. It appears to be sunlight and coloration. It's warm, yellow, white, and just barely touching the floor

as it appears that this incline evens out to a lower level. Is the ceiling getting home? The ceiling appears to be rather consistent at this point in time. It's still about 40 feet high. All right. This is making me nervous. Can I do like a nature check to try and discern how far in the ground we are? Sure. Why would we be seeing sunlight? That's not great. 11. You've only progressed a few hundred feet and knowing at least the angle the mountain was in, your equivalent of maybe five to six hundred feet below the surface, however, where this alleyway would,

or this pathway would stop and the chamber where this light seems to be coming through would be close to probably a thousand feet beneath the mountain surface. So probably not natural sunlight. Nope. Good to know. All right, I'd like to check for secret doors.

Playing with Joe was awesome. He came prepared with his, own dice and his own dice bucks and he had stories for each one and it's just you got to love playing with those old school guys and they like always get into it immediately yeah he was great and he's he's welcome at the at my table anytime show for it okay make an investigation check six okay uh not so yeah but not a one think you figured out you got up in a pocket on your under belt. As your stealthy duo progress forward, the... The bag of sun chips.

The Archon, the Dragon Morg Paladin steps forward and begins to run his hand on the wall, similar to the ways of the monk doing earlier, keeping a watch for something that might click in or resemble an entrance to some other avenue. Nothing seems to find your grasp as your gauntleted fingers kind of scrape across. the stone surface. However, you eventually catch up to these two who are slowly progressing as you reach the bottom of this decline and see the interior of the next chamber. What you now see is a rectangular chamber about 80 foot by 80 foot wide or 80 foot by 100 feet in length and it's lit by a soft yellow glow

universally within this chamber. A wide stone about five foot in diameter appears to be set into the central ceiling portion of this chamber with three pillars in a triangular form around the surface of the ceiling that then come to the bottom hitting the floor of the chamber. To them appear to be relatively damaged and you get the sense from some of the impacts here that perhaps the battle of the original incursion that took this temple did take a bit of a toll on a number of the bits of architecture. They're also at the base of these pillars three obelisks about eight feet tall, just smooth, no discerning symbols or markings that jut out of the ground at kind of various angles at the base of each

of these pillars. In between the three of them, right at the center of where this stone is set in the ceiling, you see what appears to be a small quartz altar, about three feet high from the floor. There are three small concave indentations carved into the surface of this altar, with one of them, the one that's furthest away from you, being roughly twice the size of the other two. That was probably my most memorable moment other than just watching Mercer do his DMing

because he's so ridiculously talented. I mean, it's just stupid how good he is. Fascinating. You said there's a sort of stone hanging from the ceiling? There's a five foot wide kind of somewhat oval, stone that is embedded in the ceiling that appears to be giving off this gentle glow. Okay. Is it enough to extinguish the torch?

Is it worth extinguishing the torch? Oh, it would be considered low light throughout the chambers, so you wouldn't be able to make out intense detail. And the quartz altar, can you explain exactly what was in the top of the quartz altar? So in the quartz altar, you see it's built in a somewhat circular fashion. Like right underneath the oval? Right underneath the oval. Okay. You do see three small concave insets into the top of this altar, two of which, the ones that are closest to you are about the size of a little larger than a fist, maybe about that big around.

And then the one that's furthest from you is about that wide, roughly the diameter of the basket. Can I, am I allowed to roll a, and just say, Eiff, go for a history check and see if I recognize this at all, just by the imagery in the room? Sure, go on make history check. Since we do notes of this one. 11. 11. It's hard to tell. The obelisks, the design is different

than the rest of the chambers architecture you've noticed. Everything here seems to have a very smooth, cylindrical, almost gradual, natural field. The obelisks are very rigid, and the stone appears to be of a different material. Okay, so possibly from somebody else than whoever built the temple.

How big are they? They're about eight foot tall. and about four foot wide each. Towards them looking, checking the ground force. SIGILS trap, just looking around as I slowly make my way. I'm not going to get in the, I'm not gonna get under it or anything. I'm gonna stand right behind, Percy.

Wow, that's a number. 14. 14, okay. Very carefully stepping in the direction, not directly to the altar, which is in the center of these three obloids. Working my way and kind of coil around. You do not see any specific markings or portions of the ground that would make you feel that they would be dangerous or upsetting. Stains on the altar?

You do not see any stains on the altar. The altar itself is coated with a very thick layer of dust. In fact, the quartz color of it, you can see kind of at the base of it, and the top is a gentle, dull, gray, brown color from the sediment that is gathered. You do notice, of the obelisks, the face of each one that is found. facing towards the altar does have a very, very mild line across the front, a giant square line. I'd like to use divine sense. I can sense good and evil, type of fiend,

celestial, undead, or desecration or consecration. Okay. You take them up, you can sense any of those creatures, that creature types? Feen, celestial, undead, and where they are, I can also sense desecration and consecration, and good and evil. It's coming from inside the altar.

As you take a moment and close your eyes, Archon, you project your vision to ask for divine inspiration via Tiamet, and you feel your essence expand through your closed eyes into the room in the chamber around you. You sense no particular source of a fiendish undead, a living essence that would fall into the spectrum of what you can sense. However, desecration does strongly emanate from the altar in the center of the room. I don't have like a detect, magic of curse.

Can I, well, I can dispel magic. I can make an arcana check on the altar. Sure, no point. Can I assist him in any way? Yeah, sure. That's Cox. That's a 12, that's 14. Well, we'll say it gives you advantage on the check.

So go ahead and roll a second. Thank God. Come on. This is the worst die in America. Do you want another one? I've got a bag. Here you're here. This is a retired man.

My God. So what did I roll? What did I roll? Let's just say, it was an 11. Okay. So you approach the altar focusing strongly on its make to see if there's some sort of a magical essence to it as you can run your fingers along it

to feel for any hidden grooves or any sort of inset glyphs that would mark the presence of an enchantment or some sort of element there, you hear a sudden, a large boom that echoes throughout the chamber. You all glance around and you watch as the grooves, these square like insets, and each of these obelisk suddenly billow with a cloud of dust that is set off, as they all fall inward, slamming onto the ground,

sending a cloud of dust swirling around you. You instinctually begin to cough and kind of step back as you watch a serious, of humanoid figures step, one out of each of these three obelisks. Two appear to be human though, their features look somewhat serpentine. Their eyes are narrow with yellow iris slit pupils, their teeth fanged and sharp, and as they step forward, the two, the third one, across the room opens.

This human you watch burly and covered in tattoos, thick, dark skin, muscular, and where the head would be, one large serpentine snake head. Saneh! Snih-h-hre-h! I need you on a roll initiative. No. Damn.

Ooh, that's pretty good. You gotta be kidding me. 20. That's why you use my dice. My dice. Get out these cursed relics up right. Dice of Wheaton. None of that.

The curse of dice of weaton. Right. All right. All right. So, 19 ones and 1 5. 20. 20 for the headmistress. Nice.

And 1 of 5. All right. 3. 3. Sorry, I'm just gonna kick back and watch every week. You pay this good money, we'll do our work. We got our dex. Do you plus your mission.

24. Whoa! Yay! There's a plot to roll. I know, imagine that. 19. 19. It's going right after the head of this.

17 for me. Yeah. Good, good. All right. So, as soon as the dust begins to settle, the glow still coming from the ceiling, you watch these creatures begin to stumble out. They immediately draw these cemeteric blades

from their side. At the very top of the round, DuPont, you were the first to react. What are you doing? I'd like to pull my crossbow and shoot the snake man in the face. Go for you. We're gonna go ahead and hold an attack.

Come on. The war is over and both sides lost. Kingdoms were reduced to cinders, an army scattered like bones in the dust. Now the survivors claw to what's left of a broken world, praying the darkness chooses someone else tonight, but in the shadow dark, the darkness always wins. This is old school adventuring at its most cruel. Your torch ticks down in real time,

and when that flame dies, something else rises to finish the job. This is a brutal rules-light nightmare with a story that emerges organically based on the decisions that the characters make. This is what it felt like to play RPGs in the 80s, and man, it is so good to be back. Join the Glass Cannon podcast as we plunge into the Shadow Dark every Thursday night at 8 p.m. Eastern on YouTube.com slash the Glass Cannon with the podcast version dropping the next day. See what everybody's talking about and join us in the dark. You know that feeling when you hear one interesting thing and suddenly you want to know more. Well, that's the idea behind my podcast, something you should know.

Every episode starts with a question you've probably never thought to ask. like why people do or don't like you, why certain habits stick, or what everyday advice is actually wrong. I'm Mike Rothers, and I talk with scientists, authors, and experts, and I keep it practical, surprising, and fun to listen to. If you've got a curious brain, come try one episode of something you should know on the podcast app you're listening to right now. Jesus.

Yeah, let's, that's, plus my dexterity, that's a seven. That's a seven. I don't think that... No, no, plus a... Excuse me, plus seven. That's a ten. A ten, okay. As you watch this creature emerge, you instinctually point a crossboat of fire, but seeing such a

terrible entity that resembles you of a time in your childhood. Remember being bit by a snake and the pain of the poison still pulses through your hand. Though memory and not legit there, you suddenly realize, snakes are scary. And as you go to fire, your hand shakes ever so slightly in the crossbow, fissue. Fires wide, you see it splinter against one of the nearby pillars, unaffective. God! Blast. If I had to summarize just a core theme for DuPont,

it would just be failure. The freedom to fail repeatedly, constantly, in spite of all probability, it's like he was spitting in the face of luck itself and then falling on his face because he slipped in his own spit. All right, then is your turnipa. Are you gonna stay where you are?

You're gonna move back? I'd like to move back about 10 feet or so. Okay, so retreat further into the back of the beginning of the chamber. All right, that brings us to two. Headmistress. All right, who am I closest to? Am I close to him at all?

You could get close to the snake-hidden individual, although you are pretty close to two of the other more humanoid creatures, and one of them would get a strike on you should you rush past. Can I grab the two, I'm gonna go for it here. Can I grab the two of them, smash your heads together, knock them out, and throw them at the beast? You can certainly try.

Yay, yeah, I'm mistress. So as the head mistress ducks down and goes into a full sprint, She darts right between the two creatures. As we're beginning to pincer towards the two of you, you and DuPont, who is backed away. You go ahead and reach, have to grab both of them. Go ahead and roll an attack. Okay.

Good. 16. Where am I looking here? B plus your attack modifier there. Oh, 16, so 17, 18, 90, 20, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2. 2. 3.

Okay, roll the second attack. That's good. 12. Plus 7, 19. Yeah. Both of those hit, so go ahead and roll damage twice. Nice. Yeah.

T.D.6 plus 8. Do you more D6s? Uh, yeah. Thanks, guys. Plus eight? Plus eight. Plus eight on this rule, though. Oh, plus like, meh.

There's just trashdress. Oh, gosh. All right, six plus. Great. So 14 points of damage. To one. So you reach out, grab both them by the front of their ceremonial robes, pull back and whack,

sand them both together, their heads crack, impacting on both. And you just, this hiss as they both retract from the pain. Feeling the grasp on them, they're both pretty heavy. Yeah. And knowing in that moment that your strength and not quite being strong to chuck them, you can then progress if you want to use your bonus action

however you see fit. Oh, one of these? Yes. I'm gonna take my flurry of blows. And are these two guys knocked out then? No, they're still stronger than you thought they were. They're still standing. They're hurt, but it looks like they are unhappy

with the current circumstance we've left for the minute. I'm gonna shove them over to Dan. No, just kidding. You deal with it. Deal with it. I'm gonna use my, I am gonna use my flurry of blows against the two of them. So one attack each since I've got two additional attacks.

So you use a key point and you attack them both one more time. So roll more two more. Two more, okay. The D20. Oh sorry. See if it hits. All right, six plus seven. That still hits.

Yay. Roll your second strike. Nice. This level. Just level. 14. Yeah, both hits. Go ahead and roll 2D6.

Once more. It's minus 10. So after you knock them both their heads together, you get down and then do a jumping spin kick, whack, whack, clocking them both in the head and a full like hurricane kick re-style attack. As you land, they're both looking a bit dazed but aggressively looking like they're ready

to bear down on you with their cemitars. You still have movement if you want to get away, but they'll both get a strike on you. Oh, come on. Um. Or you want to stay put and just fend them off as they come. Just flex on them. Okay.

Stay put. Alrighty, staying put. What? Brings his two. What? Keeling. Okay, how far away is snake creature? The head?

Yeah. From you currently, from where you're standing, about 50 feet? About 50 feet. Let me go ahead and, I'm gonna move up a little bit. Okay. And I wanna cast fairy fire over where the snake creature is. No one else is really around her, right?

Currently no. For it. For back, you have to get a good future? No. Yeah. Okay, so you go ahead and cast a fairy. Is there any way that I could also get the humanoids and the cusp too?

I don't want to get headmistress though. How big is the space on Ferry Fire? 20 feet. 20 feet? You might be able to get one, not both, because you're gonna have to angle the cube at a point to catch. Okay, I'll get another one.

You have a cube that shoots Ferry Fire? I have a fairy, yeah, it's like the Tesseract, but Sparkle bomb. All right, it's like Groot, third act. St. Do you saving throw for both? What's your spell DC? It's been a while should be. It's under the attacks area.

Oh, you put it under the attacks. Oh, oh, 16. Wait, so we have four right there. Nope. And no, they both fail their dexterity saving throws. So you watch as Keylet takes a few steps forward, the light in the central chamber kind of glowing on her form. She puts her hands out, and as she extends her fingers,

you watch a burst of purplish druid nature energy just scatter out like a burst of glitter. As it coalesces around the form of these two creatures, it sinks to them. And as it does, you see bright purple light emit from them, making them both shining targets for anybody that wishes to strike them. So all attacks against them have advantage.

Tide. I love fairy fire, by the way. It's a great spell. But yeah, that was all. She kind of just went, phew. You guys, you guys go. Yeah, that was it. Yeah.

It was just like a Michael's Craft Store disaster. That's all I was. This is good. Okay. All righty, for as long as she maintains concentration. So, Kiel, if that ends your turn? Yes, I'm now going to kind of step back a little bit towards DuPont.

Okay. Hello. So, oh, hi. The first of the two more human of the creatures takes its turn. The one that got bludgeoned by you and is not affected by fairy fire fire, is going to attempt to strike at you with Cimitar twice.

That is a 14 to hit. What's your armor class? Uh, which armor class? 17. 17. You watch the blade come wide. and keep the duck low. Second strike does hit you.

I got a question. Good role. I have an invasion. When an attack requires a dexterity saving throw, you only take half damage instead to take no damage. Correct. That's only a thing that you require savings throughout. That's good. That's all good.

I tried. You do suffer seven points of damage from the scimitar striking you. Okay. All righty. The other one is going to rush towards Utipont. That is a 12 to hit. What was your armor class? 16.

This one rushes passed. You do get an attack opportunity if you want to punch the one that's rushing. Yeah, I'll take that. Punch him. I'm gonna punch him. I'm gonna use yours. You gotta roll it.

Wait, the 20, right? Yeah. 10. That'll hit. Go ahead and roll 1 to 6. That's 4. 1. Plus 4 though.

That actually, that actually kills that one. Yeah. Yay! As it goes rushing towards the pond, you watch as it darts off, you spin around and clock at the back of the head with the back fist, as you do, you watch it just go unconscious and go face down

to the ground, spitting in the dust. Perfect. So that ends that one against you, that one's finished there. No attack. That brings us to Percival. All right, I'm going to spin around to the giant creature that just got hit by a fairy fire. Jesus Christ.

Drop and shit. And drop a pencil. Leave the head on one of them. I'm going to want to dissect it later. And I'm going to stick the torch in the ground with my bonus action and take two shots at the heart of the big creature. Go for it.

Slow, do it. in these shots. Oh yeah, oh, in that case, I got a fancy, I'm gonna use fancy, double. So shot number one, natural 20 on both rolls. Nice! What? He's a witch!

What he's a gun? Natural 20 on both rolls. Okay, so I may have had advantage on a shot thanks to some fairy fire that keelith through, and I may have rolled two natural 20s on, I've never had that happen before. I feel like I should, that should be, something I feel like I may I may I may make a little plaque or something that felt

very good it's all downhill from here life is downhill from here okay well that was that was the first shot I feel like okay I feel like I should get it I want to I want to I want to bonus die in our other game just for that one I just want him for a right fair point okay we're like an attack and second attack do it again do it again does not happen still a great it's 26 for the eight for the other one both hit the above go ahead and roll damage for the first strike. Okay, and that's double die?

Double dice, yeah. Wow. Oh, this is adorable. And that's seven, that's 12 points for the first hit. Alrighty. And 14 points for the other one. Nice. This is against the large snake head picture. You watch, as the gunfire,

that goes loudly causing this burst of fire and smoke at the front of the barrel. Both of these wounds sink into the chest of the creature. The blood spoled out of both parts of the impact. Spooge? That's what I saw. What did you see? I mean, no, yeah.

It's a descriptive term. I'm going to suddenly realize that I'm very tiny. I'm going to slowly start backing up after doing that, and I realize that I'm a big target. All right. That ends. Your goat is now the snake creature's turn. You watch now, it's lower torso, which is currently blocked by the dust. You see it's also serpentine.

It just has the upper torso of a humanoid. It marks its way around. and actually seeing you as the most dangerous entity in the room goes heading in your direction, Arcon. I'm flattered. It's gonna go for a bite attack against you. That is a natural 20. You'll be fine.

You'll be fine. I'm happy with the 20. I'm happy with the 20. He's immediately like, this is your fault. This is the balance of the karma. I'm actually happy about that. I'll tell you why in a second. Go ahead.

Okay, so you take, that is nine points of piercing damage. Uh-huh. And seven points of poison damage as the fangs dig into the side of your scales and you feel it pulls through your blood system. Okay. And it's gonna go ahead and take a swing of the scimitars that backs up as well.

That is going to be a 21 to hit. I have a 21 armed glass. It just barely strikes you. Oh, what? Good. Aw. With a seven points of slashing damage as it streaks across the front of your armor.

You see the sparks go flying off in the metal-on-metal clash. Not enough to actually physically wound you, but enough to at least push you back and wind you slightly. Okay. It's now your turn. Now he's officially pissed me off. Well, actually, he hit me, and I'd like the hellish rebuke.

Yeah. Nice. So I'm going to point my finger, and the creature that damage me is momentarily surrounded by hellish flames. The creature must make a dexterity saving throw. It will take two die 10 fire damage on a failed save, half as much on a successful.

Well, it rolled a nine on its DC, so I don't think. I don't think it succeeds, so go ahead and roll damage on that. Two-dye-10. I love hellish. He's good. He's all good. You just fuck with the wrong. Sto guy.

Yeah. Yeah. I was going to fucking internet. Yeah, yeah. That's the whole point in the internet. Heck yeah. Okay, great. That's my default.

That's gonna be 12 points of fire damage. Nice. All righty, and now it's your turn. Now it's my turn. As it rushes up, you throw your hand out in front and watch as flame suddenly burst around his body. the infernal energy granted to you by T and Matt, causing the front of its torso to suddenly be singed.

It lands right in front of you, you know, pulls back to go for another strike. What are you doing? Okay, I'm going to swing bone cleaver, my battle axe. Go for it. That's like literally on the arm. Yeah, go ahead and roll again.

Cocktoy. Cocktack. Yeah, it's just fun to say. Cocktie. Got a heard cocktie. Again. Another cocktie. Try that again.

Alright, I'm gonna try it. Okay, that's gonna be. 13. 13 still hits even with a four. Whoa and I'm going to tack on divine smite. Devine smite. So additional 2d8 nice. Okay. So that would be plus another. Could I borrow a diet? Yeah. Probably one this. Here. How about how about it? Okay. Actually yeah no, sorry. Oh my back. Get out here. That's gonna be. That's gonna be 25 points of them.

Wow. Jesus. All right, so as you arc down with your bone cleaver axe, you watch as the energy that splits off the front of the blade, starting white, passes through all the chromatic colors, as Tiamat's anger now forces itself through the blade as well. It smacks into the chest as a snake creature as it does. The rib cage seems to crack. Oh, please, not that music.

That music gives me nightmares from my childhood. Could we get something a little bit lighter? Some lighter music here. Are you a fan of... True Crime TV shows. And what about Unsolved Mysteries? The show that jumped started all of our love of true crime. I'm Ellen Marsh.

And I'm Joey Taranto. And we host I Think Not, a True Crime comedy podcast covering some of the wildest stories from your favorite true crime campy TV shows all the way to Unsolved Mysteries. Baby, you will laugh, you will cry. You'll think about true crime in a whole new way. And you'll also ask yourself, who gave these people mics? New episodes of I Think Not are released every Wednesday with bonus episodes out every Thursday on Patreon.

And every Monday, you can listen to our true crime rundown, where we go over the top true crime headlines of the week. So come and join us, wherever you listen to your podcast. The world of Sonic the Hedgehog has been thrust into a not-so-dark, not-so-stormy, hard-boiled detective story that probably nobody saw coming. Follow Sonic and the Intrepid Chaotic's detective agency as they take. on their biggest case yet. This high-flying action-packed adventure

will take them across the world, fighting for every clod they can fight. It's one heck of a tale, which is good, because this story might be the only thing that can save their lives. Well, if that's all, I can just dispose of you. Wait, what?

All will be revealed in. Sonic the Hedgehog present the Chaotics case files Listen now Wherever you get your podcasts When the chaotic are on the case Before it even touches the blade The energy actually separating the flesh and bone

You hear it screech out into the cavern air As you bisect it in half And it slumps to the ground, no longer moving Yes You do still have movement in another attack How far am I from the other guy? You're about 10 feet from him Oh, perfect. Okay, let's go for it.

All righty, you rush up to the last standing humanoid snake individual. Get it, get it. Okay. No cocktail. 18 plus nine, that's 27. 27, go to all damage. Okay. This one has already been punched a shit by our monk.

Okay. 17. 17. Wow. That's a lot. And with that, as this other, This other creature's been herring the monk, you rush up and just cleave its head off at an angle,

taking off part of the shoulder as it kind of turns around just in time to, and plumb it to the ground, no longer moving. I'm standing there going. I think I'm feeling that poison. I saw a bunch of lights and everything turned into a fine red mist. No, that actually happened, DuPont.

What? I know! The chamber shutters once more. Not make this is useful. You watch as the convex sections on the altar all of a sudden begin to fill with the green fluid with each death of these creatures. Oh, what?

As they all come to fruition, you watch as the altar shutters and begins to lower below. You kind of stem up and look off the side, and you watch there's a cylindrical chamber below with four additional pillars that travel about 60 feet down to the base. Looks like the interior there is pitch black, however, as it just dissipates beyond the glowing light

of the stone above you. I'd like to peer into the darkness and make a perception, check. I see what you did there. Before you do that, can I just, I'm gonna pray to Tiamat to heal my, heal 13 points of my damage. Go for it. You can get to use hit dice.

Yeah, I can use your hit dice to heal yourself, so you can just use a couple of those. It's nothing salvageable in any of those bodies. Wait, what am I doing? Currently, no, other than the cimitars they had, unfortunately, they weren't really dressed for a night out. I wanted to make boots. Sorry, what's one I'm doing?

Yes. Okay. Jeez, two. Right, so two. Nips in two plus two, it's four. Okay. Oh, yeah? Yep.

It's eight. All right, as you guys complete your rest, taking a moment to bandage your wounds, kind of take the essence of what you have at your disposal, the darken chamber lies below you. Over a short time, you managed to find your way to the base using whatever rope and items you have at your disposal and your general traveling pack.

Down inside, you now see those strange symbols that you self-scrolled on the raw, earlier, completely surround this chamber from top to bottom. It is just an endless display of these abyssal symbols and sigils. Sigils, if you will, happen again. Well, that's gonna say anyway. I know.

It's the abyssal pronunciation. You'd know if you study. Exactly. It's an antiquated pronunciation. Get the boy out of the abyss. It's like Barcelona. Bartholona. Bartholona.

The king says it's sigil. City of Doris, guys. The somewhat cool air of the chamber suddenly grows chilled, and you all witness as the air begins to shimmer in an apparition of a white-haired, mature woman in crimson, sleeveless robes of peers, drifting roughly 10 feet above you in the room.

Well, hello there. You feel, good, good, for charisma. Middle-Aid. I'd like to use the Viscences. Okay. Good, evil, fiend, celestial, Undead does a crazy. You do get the essence of undead strongly from this entity.

As the apparition floats there above, you see it stare down and saying the voice seemed to emanate from a sourceless place in the air around you. You enter here. The main of the serpent, you wander these hallowed halls at the behest of the scaled tyrant, and you are not welcome. What business have you in our nesting chain? Oh, jeez, there's so many. There's gonna be so many. If you have any questions, go ahead, because I'm about to pull something out of the hat

unless you wanna ask her question first. I'm just hoping we live to get paid at the moment. We were told to retrieve Histina Aguilera's treasure. Roll Constitution saving throw. Thank you. Oh, you're getting punished. Let's see. 13.

Okay, you watch as the spirit turns the eyes that were suddenly, went from like a cold darkness to a bright, vibrant white. Lock on to DuPont, raises a hand, and suddenly you feel this dark energy cascade through your body as your muscles suddenly wither and you fall to one knee. You are weakened at the moment.

Oh, it's a . I feel like this is something. Do you know who this is? Do you, how big is this room? It's about 25 feet across. on all sides, it's cylindrical. Okay, I'm going to attempt and control the undead. Okay. Up to 30 feet to wisdom save.

Wisdom save. This will be interesting. That is a 12. What does you spell DC? Ooh. Come on. I'm pretty sure it's a 13. Yay!

Nice! She was mine for 24 hours. It's a good thing I distracted her. The, uh... Five point, ladies, it's all because of you. Oh, yeah. The spirit's hand,

The hellyup is still a dunk. The spirit's hand drops the weakened crystal crackling through your dwarven friend, but the eyes go from the vibrant, bright, burning white to a dull blue as the head turns towards you. Your survey. I heard there's something of great value. In this vault.

Take us to it. You watch as the eyes, the blue turns to a dark purple, and you feel the essence reaching just past your brow, And it would bother you if you didn't know that this creature was bound to your surface through your divine chains. As it withdraws, I see. The ghost seems to snap the fingers

and you hear rustling chains from above in the darkness at the top of the chamber in a slight sneer. The wind begins to kick up and the sand and dust of the room swirls around you. You kind of guard your eyes momentarily as you watch a large wing and preacher. Land on the ground.

You see its long, muscular, lion-like body combined with two giant, other wings, the head, humanoid with a jaw, wide open drooling with rows and rows of teeth. And there around its throat you see the large, golden, thorned wreath of gents that you saw in your dream. The creature that's chained kind of dangling and broken turns and snarls with the ghost hole.

I approach the creature, and I take the wreath from. As your hands reach out and touch, you watch its eyes. The side of its, sliding close and open, it growls. But it does not seem. to assault or attack. As you pull the wreath around its neck, it withdraws a few feet. I place the wreath around my neck.

As you set it down, the spirit begins to grin, and you feel suddenly the thorns, much like the device that entered this temple, extend and pierce, and the sides of your throat, your clavicle, some of it actually going past the neck armor. You suffer 12 points of piercing damage, but you feel also at the same In time, this cold essence kind of curl over your spine.

As it does, you close your eyes and open them, and the colors of the chamber are twice as vibrant. You look around in each of your compatriots, you can actually see the essence of warmth off their body. It gave you snake eyes. You glance around and turn it. You guys look, and you can see the eyes of your companion Archon now have even a further confirmed

genuine black slit, a greenish yellow color, and the gemstones begin to pulse as you feel the energy of Tiamat glow within each section of the wreath. And as it does, the strength fills you and your breath grows warmer. The air seems more alive and you feel rejuvenated, instilled with the essence of your deity.

Am I, do I feel out of control at all? You feel in control. This is just, you're not fully aware of what has been imparted upon you. Okay. It does not feel dangerous. But I don't feel a compulsion to attack anyone my party. No, no. Okay? Oh, thank God.

Oh shit. Do I sense that there's any sort of control over this creature? Or is the creature through this, I'm dead that I've taken control of? Oh, so you turn towards and exert your will on the mantel core? Yes. Okay. As you go ahead and focus towards it. Oh my. The creature. It's giant spike tail swinging behind it.

It comes up towards you. Its head right below you to the ground. I get on its back. Cheers! We move onto grabbing the chain that has dangled around its throat. As it lifts up now fully, it's torso in front. You watch as Arcon now stands amongst his Manticor mount. I'm jealous.

Okay. There were a number of situations that were handled in ways I didn't expect. For one, the Manticore is intended to be an actual boss encounter once they had talked to it. talked to and spurred the ire of the ghosts or proven worthy to try and earn the use of this thorned wreath. However, I didn't consider the oath-break of palli being able to control in dead to roll just under the DC for the spell and then command it to present it to him.

So that was a perfect example of why I loved D&D. I feel like you got your money's worth, good sir. So I just get poisoned? He gets a manticorn. You got a door, you're just gonna have to figure out to get it home. We also got like a few hundred gold pieces. Just snake blood? Yeah.

No, in terms of the rest of the mission, is there someone waiting for this wreath? No. The divine images. The divine images. These were in mind. You just retrieve this. You have nothing that's come to before. So I had these dreams, these visions.

Yes. And here I am sitting on top of a manicor. Yep. In control of a ghost? For the next 24 hours. Let's party. Dreams do come true. But for me, the big highlight was I controlled the undead.

I mean, I wound up controlling this specter that had control of the Manticore. So because of that, I then was able to take the wreath off the Manticor's neck and stuck it on my neck, which initially I thought it was going to kill me. but after the initial bleeding I took control of this beast so it was kind of a weird like lucky lucky roll weird weird sort of string of abilities and then wound up with this great beast so this is definitely a memorable one oh and also I'd beheaded to the um the auntie serpent people so that was fun let's not forget about that um how many people can fit on the back of a meat oh actually

Thankfully, you have a rather diminutive and lightweight party. You can uncomfortably get your compatriots onto the back of the creature as it lifts up, its wings flapping. DuPont falls off. It slams- It slams into the stone of the ceiling

as the chamber entrance for the altar was not quite large enough to get all of you through, but it does manage to break through the stone from underneath as it coasts up, it travels down, the hallway of which you guys came, bursting out from under the front doorway, leading out to the sunlight of the Ankara Desert. Over the sands, the warmth of the sunlight is welcome.

As you now look, the spiritual entity trailing behind you trying to keep up as there are, it depends on top of the Manticore. Spring break 1213. Bricklea River! We're only holds five. You're gonna have to take a lift or something. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

We'll see you there. It'll be great. And with that, you found the attributed artifact sent in your way by Tiamat and apparently a new friend. Yes! Yes! Well done! That was unexpected.

Yeah, most of the colors of Manticors don't go that well. No, that was a completely bypassed boss fight there. Yeah? Oh, really? Yeah. I mean, you can control it dead. I feel like you basically got the howdy you want to do this. Essentially, but like the friendly... The friendly way.

Yeah. I want to hug it out. It's going to be great. I want to hug it out. Evil, evil way. Well done. As Arcon and his mercenary companions carefully ride the manticle over the hot desert sands of Marquette, what does the future hold for keeping such a monstrosity under control?

And what is the essence of this artifact that Tiamat has brought Archon to? Look, we all know there are a lot of celebrity interview podcasts out there. But there's only one happy, sad, confused. I'm Josh Harrowitzin. Yeah, I'm the host of the show, so I'm a little biased. But truly happy, say, said, confused is the place for nerdy and intimate conversations with all your favorite actors and filmmakers. From Andrew Garfield and Scarlett Johansson to Christopher Nolan and Quentin Tarantino. For over 10 years and over 700 episodes, Happy, Say, Confused has broken movie and TV news every single week.

That's because I ask all the questions I want to know. And more importantly, you want to know. Casting what-ifs, backstage stories, acting pet peeves, and much more. So whether you're into superheroes, prestige TV, or just the coolest actors and directors alive, you're going to learn something in every episode. Listen to Happy Say I Confused on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. It's ticklish business any way you look at it. Come on, we'll stick together.

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