Critical Role & Sagas of Sundry - Introducing: Backwater Bastards

Episode Date: December 23, 2024

Greetings Adventurers! This week, we're bringing you an episode of one more show we think you'll enjoy: Backwater Bastards! Backwater Bastards is a sci-fi comedy actual play podcast played by three international artists with an emphasis on slice-of-life style situational humor. This show features immersive sound design, its very own game system, Orbital Refuse- and a team of alien antiheroes that will choose each other over the universe every time. Join Cleo the human-bear, Dr. Ze the psionic jellyfish, and a sentient ship called Reese as they take on the galaxy with their motley crew of space-trash and found family. After a few years of evading societal responsibility and trying to survive the wilds of space despite themselves, they’ve got a couple of worlds worth of connections and some real weird enemies in the rearview. Season 2 Episode 01: The Butter Knife Cleo and Ze race to get out of Zarg Moon territory before the New Terran forces blockade the entire sector. Aboard their starship the Grey Dragon, powered by an A.I. called Reese and piloted by the Zargian hero Trevor, The Bastards make a dash for it. And oh, Boris is there too! We wouldn't want to forget Boris. Ya never know when he may come in handy. So join us on Backwater Bastards: The GREATEST BEST FRIEND STORY the galaxy has ever seen! Available for free wherever you get your podcasts or at backwaterbastards.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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bleeding wall I don't want to be fly it look you see that head like yes I see the big wall Trevor that isn't the issue the issue is the shit's following us behind look these terrans fly like they've got sticks up their bottoms they're not gonna make it through the shattered wall. I can do it. Neither are we, Trevor. You gotta trust me, Zia, I've done this before. How many times have you done this before? This shield's gonna hold up. Cleo, they're firing on us. Well, I'm giving him back. Well, I'm trying. Two and a half times. Two and a half times, Trevor. What is I? Someone helped me the first time. What?

Look, I, what? Trevor is confident that he can get us through this war. Reese. Oh, hell. I must express some concern at our current course. Oh, you're taking fire from behind. I don't know whether to wind my ass or scratch my wall. Are you sure you know what you're doing, Trevor? Hey nose.

Look at this. Yes, shut up. I could really do with a bit less backseat driving. Backseat driving. The only backseat driving is happening is bloody lasers being fired at us, Trevor. Okay. Yes, but if you can get them off us, we need the shields to make it through the wall. The shields are a big part of the journey.

I'm trying. I'm busy as a farting to call under back here. Right, all right. Let me try something. Let me try something. Just hold onto your seats. Strap in if you can. What was that?

Reese, just, you know, I'm sorry in advance. What do you say, Zee? He said strap in. Start to strap on. Here I go. This is a little bit risky, but strap punching it. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, dear.

And this is getting to be good. Hello and welcome, everyone, to another episode. Oh, I just said the word episode. I didn't even try and do anything fancy. Of the backwater bastards. In space. In space. Sorry again.

I'm your I'm your dungeon master Dirk Dynamite To my right here That's Taylor A.k.a. Cleo I'll be your human bear this evening Thank you And off on my left there

That's the Mr. Daniel Matthews A.k.a. Doctor Z Yes and I will be your human jellyfish And a honey boy Jelly boy Trademark It's a honey boy Honey boy

Honeyfish And welcome back guys It's just the two of you today Because Herodotus of course Has got a kingdom to mine So get used to it. And we're unemployed, so we can be here. We don't have any, like, real job or any...

We don't have space jobs. We don't have any, like, real responsibilities yet. I mean, I guess we've got to feed Jordan. Jordan is going to be top priority now. That's about it. Cleaning the rover. Oh, right. Well, right now, there's the two of you

rocking round on the Grey Dragon, which is, of course, inhabited by the artificial intelligence called Reese. Yes. Stowed up out back, you've got Dr. Z's ship. The Fishbowl. The Fish Bowl. We definitely have that. Yep, you got that.

You've got Cleo's Rover, which is a cherry red hot rod of a thing. You've also got sort of the kind of like trashmobile that belongs to Boris. Speaking of Boris, you've got Boris. Yes. The new Terran driver slash salvager just come along for the ride, but mainly because he's completely enamored by the vintage Starcraft that you're piloting. Well, and pretty good friends. with us as well, you know, and it's not a, you know, Boris likes us, we like Boris.

And at least for the meantime, you also have Trevor, the Zag pilot. Trevor Forever. Trevor. He's going to play an important part in your immediate future. Uh-oh. All right, so let me paint you a little picture with words here. The shattered wall, the remnants of a myriad of space stations erected by the New Terrans centuries ago. The stations had the job of providing a fully encasing wall against the wraith territories. They produced energy fields between them. Of course, the wraiths, before the wall was finished and constructed, before all the energy fields were up,

the wraiths just came in with a fleet of bombers and blew the thing up. Oh. This was centuries ago. The Terrans have not tried to rebuild the wall, but the shattered remnants of the wall actually does a pretty good job at keeping wraiths and Terrans. from crossing over into one another's space because it is immense. It is light years long, light as tall,

and pretty darn wide as well. It's as as a decent-sized star. Oh, damn, that's quite wide. That's quite wide. And it's essentially impenetrable in the average starcraft because of just the amount of damage you will take from getting pummeled by these giant meteorite fragments They just swirl around.

They have their own tides and shifts and orbits. There are currents through them. And any ship that goes through them is just going to be knocked about for a few minutes. And then their shields will be gone and then they will explode and become part of the shatterboard. Excellent. But the good news is that certain daring pilots from First Snare and Zagmoon are able to pilot their way through the shattered wall. And Trevor is one such pilot. Well, so he says.

With immense skill and with that insider knowledge, Trevor, just needs to get the six Terran ships off your back to keep enough shields to stand the buffeting on the way. And he's pulling off a risky maneuver flying directly at a moon-sized asteroid. Oh, cool. And I'm going to roll. Roll them dice.

There we go. First roll. of the season. Oh, it's an eight. Damn it. Okay, not great. Were you rolling as Trevor or a bad guy? I'm running for Trevor.

Great. Cool. Good to know. Trevor flies directly at this moon-sized asteroid and pulling up at the last minute, attempting to get into a slingshot around in its orbit, pull away faster than he normally could. Yeah, there's one of these fancy Zag maneuvers. He kind of half succeeds, but he essentially

flies, pulls up, and scrapes the shields of the Grey Dragon across the surface of this moon. Oh, man. Oh, bloody hell, Trevor. I hope you're flying improves. This is not a great way to start. Taking 13 points of damage to the Grey Dragon's shields. Whoa.

Well, that's a whole chunk of the paint job, gone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So right, it's only the shields at this point. The good news is, the majority of the enemy ships following don't even want to like come near this shit they're already like driving into the shattered wall

getting pummeled by asteroids left right in the center they see Trevor doing the suicide dive into one of the big ones most of them don't even try but two of the braver ones come in flying you know for all all their worth trying to

catch up I've rolled one natural one and one five goodbye I. Both ships are coming in hot, trying to pull up. One of them is starting to pull up. It looks like he's going to do, similar to Trevor.

He's going to, like, you know, he's going to scrape the shields on the moon. But, unfortunately, the other one just tries to do a barrel roll for some reason. And just comes in, taking out the fellow ship. There's just a carnage as both ships splat into the asteroid. As you pull up and sort of scrape away, two of these ships just splat and explode on the asteroid behind. you as Trevor manages to pull off the slingshot maneuver getting around to the far side of the large asteroid and then shooting off into the shattered wall hidden from the eyes of the new Terrans Bloody did it Trevor oh oh that wasn't that wasn't what I was entirely well as intending what are our shields looking at 50% What were you intending then I mean you've got it through yes yes well the thing is no matter how well I fly we're going to keep taking damage

the shields and what I don't know how to put this once the shields are gone so are we if we're in the middle of the wall oh yes no you could have put that in a much better way at least we're not taking fire anymore but then you can see there's just large asteroids sort of banging from all sides you're sort of wobbling about Reese is in the back and making all these these whimpers you know he's very protective he's very worried that his paint job is going to get utterly decimated Boris Boris where the bloody hell is Boris Boris? Oh sorry I fell off my chair, just back here I've done Boris I told you to type yourself down boy

what he's doing back there hell I was halfway to taping myself Cleo now you know I do like I told you you gotta you gotta avoid the hair You got there I don't have quite as much as you well It's debatable you seen yourself boy You know Boris we're going to as Trevor has just informed us, we're about to take quite a few hits to the shields. Is there anything we can do to rig up some extra shield capabilities from the junk that are, well, not junk, the treasures that you and Cleo have found, or anything else in the cargo bay? Could we redirect the power from the fishbowl for a guy?

I could recharge them if I can get to the outside of the... And he's sort of looking out the window and sort of seeing all these asteroids pummeling the ship from all angles. It's like, from outside. Right. Trevor, there's any way that you can get me somewhere a moment of respect. Trevor is like sort of, you know, like gritting his teeth and trying to dodge, he's flying expertly.

He's dodging a lot of the bigger asteroids. But still, you're getting smacked by these, you know, like kind of car-sized chunks of rock from all sides, getting buffeted about. And Trevor's like, one moment. I think I've got an idea. All right. You see that there and he's pointing.

And as you're in this, this turbulent thing, like there's a lot of light being refracted around. There's just big chunks. I mean, it looks like rock, but a lot of this is like, you know, like very strong shielding alloys, which is why it's lasted all these years because these space stations were made out

of very, very dense rare metals. There was almost like these worm-like constructs that you see almost like glowing, waving, moving currents through the wall. And if you look a little bit closer, you can realize that these things, they're basically like these slip streams of just shrapnel of the really tiny pieces of asteroid. Okay. Yeah. Because all the smaller parts end up sort of just getting whisked into the orbits of the larger ones and this shot through the wall at sort of crazy speeds and whaling about.

And Trevor is directing you directly into the nearest one. Now Trevor, um, are you sure about this? That does look almost as terrifying as the wall itself. Z, it's exactly how you get through here. It's an old trick that my teacher taught me. And, uh, well, you know, it hasn't failed me yet. Yes, the whole two and a half times. Right.

Closer to three. Two and two thirds. Straight through them. Bullets? Well, yes. About that. We're still going to be taking damage. While we're in there, but...

But the good can. It does get us a lot quicker, and there is a kind of calm spot right in the middle. Okay. So... Boris, you're going to be ready for that calm spot, then. We're going to need to get this ship repaired for what Trevor describes as a light buffering. Yes, yes, I'll get my tools together. And Boris sort of plops up.

He's staggering around because you've got a lot of, like, you're just getting bashed about. and he's got that sort of that Captain Kirk walking through the hallways kind of thing where he's like bumping and getting through the door as he rushes off out back to assemble his goodies. And Trives like, here goes and just pilots you into the slipstream. And immediately, like the smashing about kind of stops as suddenly you pick up speed. You're traveling now with turned off the thrusters and you're traveling now purely through the speed of these various flows and orbital powers where you're just getting sucked through

by the rotations and pulls of the larger asteroids and you shoot off faster than the Grey Dragon's usual speed Oh, what's the Grey Dragon? What does Rhys think of this? Currents, baby. Rees's just going Ah!

As you are now almost vibrating and spinning around you can't make heads or tails out, there's no real up or down like the whole ship is kind of because you're not travelling by your thrusters, you kind of somersaulting through, there's no up or down. Like the only way you can really make sense of what's happening is by just completely ignoring what's outside the window

and just looking at the more sort of basic radar information of your relative location on the galaxy map. Okay. And Trevor's like, okay, well, we're losing shields by the moment, but, well, as long as we survive to the calm spot, I think we'll be fine. well and as long as Boris can actually recharge our

shields right we'll be fine and as long as I successfully pile at us out the other end and as long as I ain't in this in this chair are you doing all right there Cleo I'm trying can I take some of my

honey boy body and like cut off a little bit and put it on Cleo's feet to make some kind of like stabilizing shoes to stop the vibrations from affecting Cleo too much? I was like, are you going to put that thing on my head so that if I throw up, it's trapped?

I was first thinking I'd like envelop you and stop you from shaking too much and just be like, you know, it's stable inside. There's just some little shockproof booties. It's also silly. And then I was like, is he thinking that if my feet are cold, I'll feel better? And then I was like, would that work?

Is that real? Is that a secret? I don't even know if shockproof booties would work. I was just thinking, you know, like maybe it might help you feel a little bit more stable. I think it's a good idea, though. That sounds like a thing. That's German engineering. Cleo, quickly, put my sleeves up.

And I drop two globs off my arms of Honeyboy onto the ground, and they just shake on the ground for Cleo to step into. J-E-L-O. J-L-O. J-L-O. It's laugh. I just wanted to say that. You can see Trevor is, he's like, he's white-knuckled,

holding onto the controls. There's this sweat on his brow. Oh my God, this is a Trevor moment. As he's looking at the planetary map or the galaxy map and he's sort of working out approximately where you are because he's going to have to shoot out of this thing at the right moment. Well, they might kill us. Trevor. Sorry, what, Z?

How can we help? I mean, we're here. We're two very masterful, masterful characters. Oh, Z, you're windy as a sarker. Farts you need anything baby yes can you just keep an eye on the shields what what what keep an eye on the shields don't tell me don't tell me how much we've got left until we got low have very little left right we got this yeah ain't got to worry about it we we got loads back here I say I I I'm looking at okay it's just it's probably

best that I don't know until I need to know yeah well you don't even need to know right now see clear I see we I'm lying. I'm lying. Yes, I know, Cleo. You think he knows? No. He can't do.

No, he can't do. No, no, it's fine. But I ain't lying. Yes. I'm lying like more than ever. More than usual, yes. If my lips is moving. Yeah, well, I think the vibrations of the ship,

it's hiding the trembling lip that you've got, but we should probably go make a start. So over the course of just sort of shooting through this tunnel of asteroids, you've taken a further three points of damage to your shield. Nothing to worry about Trevor. Now sitting at 14, a little under half. I think we're doing bad. I do a thumbs up with my shorter arms.

It actually went back up. Did you plug the charger in? T-Rex-style arms. I'm just doing a thumbs up. You're doing great, Treve. And you see there's these moments where Trevor, like he's like wincing, closing his eyes, and then a motion where he's just like flicking on the engines

and then off again, just to correct your path a little bit. When you were getting very close to the thin outside edges of the slipstream, you're almost like going to be catapulted or perhaps sucked into the orbit of one of the larger pieces. I don't know much about piloting, Cleo, but I believe this is called edging. Let's go to the... I'm glad that you said it because I was thinking it. And I was like, don't be the one to make this a sex thing. Don't be the one to make...

this to make it about bang it is but as Trevor is just keeping just just by the edges of this you didn't want to say that you didn't want to say that the slip stream of stone

the ship is taken a further five points bloody hell all right here I'm on my way and I make a race towards the cargo hall or the engineering bay to help Boris and start fixing up some shields I'm trying to get Boris

into a space suit right now. But like you ever seen somebody dress a kid? He's like, Cleo's got the space suit and like, Boris has like got both his hands, like busily just shoving things into his little truck. Get your arm in there, Boris. At the meantime, Cleo's like,

he's got his legs in. Cleo, you're holding the legs out and Boris steps both legs into one leg of the space suit. What's wrong with you? Ain't you ever put pants on before? Who helps you? I need to plug this and he's

plugging things together. It's just, it's just trash as well. Like, it's just trash and sort of functioning batteries and cables that he's clipping together and plugging together as Cleo has to sort of like you know like scoop up with one bare claw sort of scoop Boris's left leg out of the right leg of the suit and get him back in place correctly meanwhile if you don't put this on right you can't pee in you understand that

handing piles of heavy ordinance to Dr. Z saying just put it in the back yes in the back all right on it in the back of what You ain't got a backpack out there, boy? The back of his space truck? Yeah, his back of his space truck. Yeah. He's taking the truck out there?

He's got a lot of things to take. Oh, this is going to be a mess. This is going to be a whole mess. Of course. Is he going alone? Well, I know. That means we have to. That might be a conversation to have him character.

Shit. Shit. Oh, my God. But anyway, as you guys are getting this all together, loading Boris's stuff out, getting Boris into a space suit, I guess Cleo needs to probably might want to get into one too if she's even thinking of going out there I don't know meanwhile the shields have taken another five points of damage oh my god okay whoa it's starting to get worse you're sitting at sitting at four points we've got for Cleo left we need uh we need to keep

hold on we've got uh four points of shield left left oh no but we just took like two five point hits in a row and we don't even have enough points left to do a hit. Okay, Boris, Boris. Yes, Klio, yes, Klio. Now, listen, what do you need? Do you know? Yes, I think that's everything now. You got everything? You got your tools?

Let's get right by the door. Hang on. And he's like waddling in this space suit. You can see that you've got one that's too big for him. He sort of, he's flopping about in the thing. Uh-oh. But it's all sealed up as far as you can tell. He flops his way into the driver's seat

and starts backing his little space suit. truck right up to the ramp at the back. He's really like, Doctor, as soon as, as, as Trevor says it's okay, you just need to push the button and open this airlock and I'll, and I'll act as quickly as I can. Boris, do you need us out there with you? Boris, do you need help? Uh, yes, not. That might be helpful. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Yes, yes. I didn't want to ask, but. Yeah, well, you really probably should, because we're all about to die. I mean

God damn He's so dumb He could throw himself On the ground and miss Trevor's voice comes over the intercom I'm like Well thank goodness We've still got plenty of shields left

Right guys Uh Yes we've got plenty of shields left Trevor Yeah Trevor All right Wow like 38 You're all gonna want to hang on again

Because we're Just just hang on Just hang on And well It's You know It's been a real pleasure Working with you all

If Well no Let's not do that Don't worry. Don't worry at all. Here we go. Okay, Trevor, you're doing it. You think we should have told him that we got 4% left or like maybe...

No, he said he wanted to know when it was really bad. All right, well, get my suit up because, I mean, look at Boris. If he's the only one responsible for, if we liver down... Well, you do it out there. I'm going to jump in the guns and try to help keep rocks off you. And I'll slide my way down into the gun turret. That's a good idea. So I've rolled a 16 on Trevor's piloting.

Yes. Okay. And there's a moment. We're suddenly everything's sort of flying around. Like things are falling off the shelves. This is nuts. And you're also like losing balance and stuff. Boris at least has strapped himself into his little truck.

But the truck even wobbles on his wheels. It's quite good suspension because he, yeah, he souped up the suspension. Yeah, he overloads this thing on a daily basis. That's God knowing your weaknesses. And Trevor has fired off at full speed right on the corner as there's like a sort of a turning looping corner of the slipstream and burst out of it. Oh, damn.

And all of a sudden, like all the shaking, all the vibrating, all the flipping about ends, as it almost feels, you know, there's a sudden relief as though you're just floating in space normally, which doesn't last long before you suddenly you can feel as though you're struck again by a larger asteroid. Oh man, come on. I was really hoping that that moment

was going to last a little bit longer. Boy, oh boy. I was like, great, here's our moment to recharge. No. I hope you got a taste of that before the waiter took it back. But Trevor's voice comes back over the intercom. Now, Boris, now!

All right. Boom, push the button. Open up the thing for Boris. I'm coming to do. Boris and Cleo in the truck, you know, sort of already sitting on the ramp as it descends. And Cleo, you can see now. It actually, through the airlock, Dr. Z can even see, that you've actually landed on a large asteroid. Oh, Trevor, you sneaky, sneaky bugger.

Excellent landing. Stiggett. And it's from this vantage point, because you didn't see the approach, you can't really tell how big this thing is. It's got a horizon, you know, like it's... Right. That's enough. It's bigish. Right.

If it's got its own horizon. Trevor, you've got tons of shields left, and I'm going to jump in the guns. Please call targets. Let's keep our crew safe out there. Woo-hoo, look at all them shields. I was hoping you might say that, Z. All right. Oh, right.

I guess I can safely look. Oh, wait, we really don't have many shields left. No. No, no. Trevor, looking a little bit ill as it suddenly dawns on him, how close you were cutting it. Trevor, you asked us to do a thing for you, and we did it. I hope you appreciate it.

He's got like a real, like a, like a, a sickened panic look in his eyes. One island sort of twitching as he just sort of grips the controls again. Meanwhile, Cleo, you've got a real bumpy ride. As you can see, there's a great big, there's like a control panel that's just sort of like almost looks like it's just been welded into, onto one side. It's sort of between you and Boris in the middle of his truck thing. And he's just like yanking down this big really sort of, you know, like jagged. Like it's like a gear stick, but you know, the top's been screwed off. So it's just got like, you know, the little screw end of the gear stick.

It's a little bit DIY. But he's yanking this lever down and there's a good chunk. As it seems, he has enabled some kind of a personal gravity feel onto his own at all, onto his truck. Boris, which then starts gajunking. The wheels don't turn quite as well as they do when operating under actual

gravity as the trucks just starts lunging and lumping its way out and around the Grey Dragon. Wow. Boris is a hell of a rat. Yes. And Boris sort of

looks up with a sudden pan at look as it looks as though suddenly like a sort of flurril. of meteorites are coming to impact with this larger one. Oh, I'm going to radio in. I'm going to radio in on my little watch. Yes. Right now.

Yep. Is this thing on? Yes. Yes, clear. Yes, clear. Hey. Z. Yes.

This is me. Z. I'm in the gun turret. Listen to like, like three and a half a clock. Right. Yes. All right. I'll go to rotate three and a half.

Yeah. Like three and a half clock. You seen that? Yes. So Zee can sort of look around and see where Boris is driving and yeah there's meteorites coming in like it's hard to say if they're actually going to hit them but they are They're there definitely a distinct risk of it. I'm on it there's a little Don't worry can you get them?

Yes I got them I'll lean back Can I do a quick perception first to try and call targets to myself? Damn it! There's an eight Oh boy. Okay. All right, hey, you know what?

Maybe I should roll a D20 as well, just to see, like, if I'm in range with my blaster. It's a 10. So, Dr. Z, there's not a lot you can tell. It looks as though the one that's sort of sailing in closer to them, which is larger and sort of seems to be carrying the other asteroids in its wake. That looks like the real danger. That looks like something that is heading indifferently in the direction of Boris and Cleo.

Okay. Cleo, you can, you could very easily just leap out the door. As long as you're hanging on to something, because you don't have your own artificial gravity. As long as you're hanging on to something, because this thing, it's, it's not that big. You know, it really doesn't have a heck of a lot of, like, grip on you. You can see, you can feel yourself like wobbling about already now that you're out of the Grey Dragon. You know, you're sort of wobbling in your seat because the gravitational pool, it's not really enough to keep you on here.

Right. If you jumped or stepped too hard. but you could very easily take pot shots at this thing as well alright do you want to go first zay uh yeah sure I'll uh I'll load up the Grey Dragon Blaster and take a shot at the

what I perceived to be the center of these rocks oh fuck oh my god that's a natural one hey everybody out there listening Do you smell that? Yeah.

That's a nat one. It's a net one. But a 15 damage. Now if that works, that's 15 imaginary damage is what that is. There's two natural sixes, but a net one. It's like, hey, if he did get anything else,

he could have hit real big. If you could have done this, it was going to be ready great. It was going to be cool and neat. So let's just roll a little... Roll a 100, yeah. You want to do it? You want to do the honors?

I feel like to take over it. You sure you want to do it? It's 62% bad. Yeah. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Okay, so Cleo. Yeah, I'm, I'm gonna also help. So as you're sort of like, you know, getting ready to sort of like lean out the truck and take a shot at this thing, you can see Dr. Z is firing right on you.

You have precious few moments to react. That is very not one energy. So I expect that. As he is going to blast 15 points of damage, which is a lot, that's enough to vaporize a person. Oh, God, damn. He is going to blast straight into Boris's truck. Okay, do I have reaction time before that hits?

You got reaction time. Cool. How close are we to Reese? You're right by Reese. Okay, cool. So what I'm going to do. You could jump and grab onto the ship or something like that. Yeah, what I'm going to do is I'm going to, do you want me to roll first and then tell you or just tell you and then roll?

Tell me then, wrong. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's never the other way around. Just, hey, Dan, shut up. I'm trying to finesse, okay? Cheeky. One of us has to bring food home today. If it fails, then all I'm trying to do is tie my shoelaces, which is bonus action.

No, I'm not going to do it like that. You guys, you guys are both, you don't believe that I'm doing the good. It didn't sound like that. that I want to see. I'm doing the good that I want to see in the world. Here's the thing. We have no idea what you're trying to do.

That's my point. Okay, whatever, man. But, Boris, yes, clear. Hit that anti-gravity again. I know.

Are you sore? Oh, well, yeah, sure is a laser coming straight to my ass? Without question, Boris clunks up the lever. He doesn't even know

what the plan is. He doesn't even know what's happening, but cool. because I'm not done. We have now taken away our own little gravity and all space suits in the movies, which is obviously the ultimate authority on all science, have these like long straps with carabiners on them.

How could you not? Exactly. Because astronauts are constantly clipping onto the shit. Yeah, clipping onto the shit, yeah? Right. And I'm going to assume that our spacesuits have these. and what is going to happen is we're going to hit that

and I'm going to lasso my carabiner on to Reese and pull us over to Reese so that we don't lose the car. You're going to try and basically strap the car like hold it with your bare strength and strap yourself to the ship. This is some fucking like Guardians of the Galaxy DRAX action. Yeah, lovely.

Because I don't want to, like first of all, I don't want to die. So I know that we can save our corporeal forms by doing this to ourselves. Because obviously Boris and I are both suited up. We could carabiner ourselves, Terese. But I don't want to lose the Trashmobile because I love it. Okay. So I want two different roles here.

Yeah, a dexterity and a strength. I felt that coming. You knew what I was going to say. Yeah, I did. Because any time I want to do something cool, I have to roll dexterity. It was only if you want to suddenly like, you know, like lash one moving object to another moving object. It's fair.

It's fair. And similar actions. It's fair. And I respect you. So I will do it. So we're talking negative one on Dixie. Shit. I guys.

What was that? What was that about a smell? Because I think I found the sauce. How does the smell get worse? The smell gets worse. Okay. But I'm really strong. Yeah, which is good.

That's pretty cool. I'm going to even give you. a suggestion, but let's explain what's happening here. So you've won a negative one on dexterity, but a 14 on strength. Yes. Boy, that is on brand. So Boris, Boris just slams the lever back up. The wheels, like, suddenly just going into, like, crazy spins as you just catapult up

off the ground. It's almost, like, sort of slow motionish, as the momentum you had just sort of carries you up and forwards, the entire truck sort of flipping over. Oh, shit. Yeah, backwards going back up over the top. Wow. At that very moment, the failed blasts from Dr. Z shoot a crater in the asteroid right where you had been.

Oh, cool. Okay. Hey, one win. Which is shortly followed by an asteroid slamming into it, also looking like it, you know, just deepening the crater, looking as though either of those two things probably would have flattened you. Oh my God, a sandwich. As Cleo, as Cleo sort of like pops out the window,

hanging on tight with one sort of curled arm. I'm thinking wrapped around, you know, you got like both windows open and you're wrapped around the gap between them, like holding onto the truck, and then reaching out, you know, like extending the carabina and strap out towards the grey dragon,

flailing at it, you miss one hoop where it could have been hooked. You miss another hoop where it could have been hooked, but your bare claw is sort of trailing along the side of the ship. It's slipping, like, you know, buttery, out of your reach. You, Boris, and the truck, I'm just going to float off back into the asteroid field. Unless something stops you.

You still have energy. Can I do a bear clause to grab? You should do bear claws to grab. I'm just saying, like, not to be cheating, but that's something I'm good at. So I'm not going to do something that I'm not good at right now. I mean, I was, I was hinting at it. I don't want to, I don't want to put words in your mouth, but your, your, your claws are. It's just at this moment, your claw is doing a lot of work alone, and maybe you should help it.

And I'm like, baby, I will help it. Shoot. Okay, everybody cross your claws. I've got mine crossed. Yes. Well, we got a 19 in this house. Amazing. Sorry, Reese, if I puncture any holes in your beautiful Reese coding.

The Cleo. One arm hanging on to the side of the truck. The other claw sort of like skiffing along. He digs her claws. Yes. Grabs onto just the side of the armored exterior of the Grey Dragon. She has pulled all the way out of the truck. She has now become the barrel of monkeys shaped bear between these two vessels

as all that energy of the flying truck is caught there between her chest. Oh my God, y'all. I'm sweating for real in my real life. But her strength holds out as the truck sort of flips out and stops that that full extension. And Cleo is there holding the Grey Dragon and holding the truck. Fucking hell, sorry about it, Atlas. As that energy sort of dissipates.

And Cleo is left with almost like a giant balloon. There's so little gravity in it. But it kind of naturally wants to go back down towards the asteroid, because the asteroid does have some small amount of gravitational pull. Okay. Well, we're scared of that. I'm like, now that I'm up here, I'm like, boy, it's going to be real shitty to get it back on the ground. Boris is like, he's strapped in.

Instead of sitting there, he's like, if you can get the wheels back down, I can throw it back on, the gravity that is. Okay. Theoretically, if I push off with my feet on Reese and like aim towards the ground, maybe it'll then have less distance to fall. You're up a couple meters up off the ground. weird floaty balloon truck. Because if we drop it from too high up, that's just as bad as it getting shot, you know, I guess. I mean, not quite as bad. Not really.

Never mind. You're remembering that little sinkhole. You might wreck the truck, but you certainly won't lose the stuff. All the equipment required to recharge your shields, which is top priority. Is that another dexterity? I'll just call that a strength because you just basically just try to force this thing down onto the ground, you know. You can do it. I'm getting a drone.

Bear strength! Bear her! Oh, that is nice. So Cleo sort of out there in space in her beer, an astronaut suit, just maneuvers this truck back down towards the asteroid. She's still hanging on with her claws, gets her feet both out and pinned up against the side of the ship,

and then extending them both down, releasing the claw with a sort of Hail Mary. She pushes down and shoves the truck back down, where it lands with a sort of a gentle balance, on the upgraded suspension, back down on the slightly unfirm ground of the astro beneath. And once again, with a chink, with a painful, awkward, looks as though like it doesn't even, the lever isn't installed straight enough to really want to move on its access.

Boris forces his little ramshackle out of his natural gravity to turn back on, and with a... A bounce at us about a lump, the truck, cements itself back down. to the service of the asteroid. Well, we're bad. Ain't nothing happened. Oh, yes. I appeared to have miscalculated my last shot there.

Sorry about that, Cleo and Boris. Ain't a thing, chicken ring. Chicken ring. Or whatever. Things get lost in translation over time, okay? Cleo doesn't even know what a chicken is. Probably not. Probably not. I've never seen one.

You know, even though. We do have art of a chicken. All right. Boris pulls a he's got a line, just like a cable line. It comes out from underneath the glove box, and he clamps it onto his suit. And then throws open the door and clambers out of the ship. The first step he takes, he's just like, whoop?

Goulds up into the sky and sort of like bobbles about before it's like catching on the end of the line and sort of seesawing back down to the ground. as he starts clawing his way along the outside of his truck back to the trunk. His legs just off the ground because he's pulling himself with his arms. His legs are sort of flying behind him as he opens up the trunk to start getting some of the gear out. Oh, this is going to be easy, Cleo. None of it weighs anything as he very haphazidously is grabbing, like,

way more than he would normally be able to lift with one hand, just of swinging it out dangerously out of the back of his truck. You see a few like sort of loose cables and tools just drift off into space. Claire's in Farrows. Cluel is probably going to be really excited by that. I hate to say. I would like to say that she's like, hey, stop it. We need that stuff.

But she doesn't say that. Instead, she sees that and she's like, hell! And she tries it. You know, and if, well, I mean, if that don't start your fire, then your woods wet. You know what I mean? hell look at me and she picks up the car Cleo is able to pick up literally just everything obviously this lower gravity in her intense

ursine strength you don't even need to roll a strength tree you could probably pick up the grey dragon if they turned off its landing gear I don't think she thought of that because I do not want to have to roll and be the reason that we live on this asteroid now. But, you know, depending on how long we're here, things could develop.

So that's probably really good motivation to get going. So I'm going to, like, I'm going to communicate her into Z and Trevor again. Hey, Zay. Yes, yes, clear. Zee. Zee, we're down here. We're at the place. thrown out a, like a string.

He climbed it. He's up there, waving things. Anyway, yep. Over now. And so that was... That was the update. All right, excellent. Trevor is sort of like looking like,

he's like sort of like wiping the sweat off his voice. He's finally starting to calm down. Doesn't matter that the shields are on four. we made it. We made it that part. That was the hard bit. As long as Boris isn't full of shit about being able to recharge our shields,

we can get out of this. And if Boris is full of shit about being able to recharge our shields, then we're going to die so quickly. It won't matter. Hey, you know what? Always look on the bright side of life. I'm going to look up to Boris.

What kind of? What kind of help you need up there? You need anything? Trevor. Trevor. Oh, I didn't bring my communicator. And he's like sort of squeezing his face right next to Cleo's to try and talk into her communicator. All right, hold on. Let me press a button.

Let me press. Hold on. Can you hear me? Trevor, you need to turn off the fields. Just for a moment. Just, yeah, I need you to turn off the seals. You got that? Trevor's like sort of like a...

Trevor. Those shields are the... only thing, I mean, what if another big one comes? Well, I mean, you won't I'm in the guns, I will not miss a second time. Do not worry about it. I've got it completely on lockdown.

Trevor gives Dr. Z a very wild, untrusting look. Yes, I see you have complete trust in me, Trevor. Do not worry about it. I've got this. And he reaches down... Reaches down on the console, taking a deep breath and just

powering down the shield. Of course, however. You hear that? You hear that? It does move kind of swiftly incompetently as the shield's power down. Look at him, go. He's just like, Cleo, hold this. He shoves like a sort of universal tool thing into Cleo's mouth and sort of like, you know, like stacks some more things into her arms.

As he starts prying open a control panel on the exterior of the Grey Dragon, he's sort of pulling on cables that he grabs quite easily. There's a big cable. He's like yanking it trying to. unplug it pulling it twisting it every which way and when you can see asteroids are still landing all around you on the surface of this thing only only small ones are hitting Reese at the moment sort of doing some minor cosmetic damage to the to the paint job and Reese still sort of just go and then Boris is he's tugging and

twisting he can't get this cable out and he looks looks over at Cleo and he's like Cleo that's a knife oh hold on hold on which this one or that which this this one the big one well okay Alright, you're a big knife guy today, all right. Hands it over. Sort of big, energy blade vibro knife thing. He grabs it, fires it up. It looks like some kind of like electro meat cleaver.

It really doesn't look like a tool that he should be using for this sort of fiddly business. But he sort of just gets in there and starts like waving the tip of it around inside the control panel of the ship. And then there's a sort of a spark. And the light sort of dim on the inside of the ship for a moment as he pulls the loose cables. out of its housing. You can see it's been roughly chopped at one end now. Inside the cable, there's just like loads of little wires of sparking about as Boris sort of like,

licks his fingers and starts separating. Oh, ow, out, out. Stopps the sparking. He separates out the wires and stops the sparking. Boris, you fucking mad lad. And then he hands the blade straight back to Cleo. He forgets to turn it off. He's holding it by the,

the blade though, to be polite. Getting sort of zapped by as he hands the handle back towards Cleo. Cleo takes it right back and immediately turns it off and is like, Jesus. He's not really a weapons guy. He's not really a weapon's guy. There wasn't time, Cleo, there wasn't time. All right, all right. All right.

Mozart, do your thing? The soldier. All right. Hold on. Hold on. I got it right here. Here to go. Wait, no.

It's this. It's this one underneath. Oh, oh god, dear. We can lose this. He reaches, like, and grabs a big trunk that Cleo's carrying, yanks it out of her grass and throws it off into the air, to drift off into space.

From hell to half acres. Boris, what was in that? Those were just my screwdrivers. Oh, okay. It don't matter. Here, here. We probably won't need them. I just brought them because it's always good to be prepared with any tool that you might need.

Yes, of course. And we possibly will need those. Oh, you think. Okay. How far away are they right now? They are floating off. They are gone. He literally just tossed them away.

Good work for us. Not really thinking about the zero gravity situation. They vanish off. Got it, got it, cool I'm handing the... Off amongst the sky of bright lights and asteroids Wow He's so dumb, he is so dumb, he thinks

Johnny Cash is a pay toilet I'd love that Cleo thinks he's reckless That is great I feel like he is like really at the top of the meter right now though Like... Oh yeah Well yeah, he's got to work fast But I'm not gonna stop him

This is genius I know genius when I see it Yeah. So he grabs the soldering tool from Clio. And as you can see, like, he's sort of wrestling, wrestling about, and he sort of starts walking up Cleo's chest. He's hanging on to the cable with one hand. And he reaches the end of his own steel cable going back to the truck.

So looking down the carabina on himself, then looking up, because he's, Cleo is holding the stack of gears. And he's just walking up Cleo's chest to get up to the things that Cleo's carrying. He's got one boot resting on Cleo's chin, the other on her chest as he nods and like unstraps the

carabina from his own suit. And then sort of he's floating up. Now he's sort of holding on to the power cable coming from the ship. He's no longer attached to anything other than the fact that he's hanging on to this thing as he sort of flips about so he suddenly he's pivoted around

the heel of his boot now landing on Cleo's face. Obviously she's got the space. She's got the space suit to stop but it's still it's sort of right there in her face. That's all right. He pivots around and clambers up, walking up onto the stack of things where he begins working,

humming away to himself. He's soldering away. He's attaching this cable that goes to the Grey Dragon to some of the things that Cleo is carrying. Listen, there's a part of this that is dead. Oh yeah. I'm feeling it. This is real.

This is way too natural. This is real ship. This is coming fast. Yes. But at the same time, there is another asteroid shower, just sort of spiriting down in. And Trevor looks over as he, is like, Do not worry.

Boris, can we turn the shields back on? Do not worry, I've got this, Trevor. And I do want to try and use my computering side to try and figure out a ideal target again. Just a perception, or is there any way I can try and sneak a hacking in there? Probably not. No, I mean, not really.

These things are just, you know, the Astero is flying in at you, you know? I've rolled an 18 on my perception to try and figure out what the best target is. All right, so you can see this time that most of these things are, they're coming in, like, way short of the Grey Dragon. They're not going to hit you. All right. Worst case scenario, they're just going to fling sort of sand up in your face. All right. But one of them.

One of them is coming in, looking like it's just going to clip the wing. All right. I will let the crew know that. We have a fleet of asteroids coming in towards us, but only one of them seems to be immediate danger. I have Target painted that for us all. Trevor, if I do miss this, however, it could be aiming for the wing. Trevor, it doesn't even wait to hear the entirety of that sentence, as he dives almost headfirst into the other gun turret,

getting himself in there and like wheeling the turret around as well. All right then, Trevor, okay? I love to see, your trust in me, much like I had trust in you, for this suicide mission into the wall. Shut up, Zee and fire! But I think it's just a bit hypocritical of you to immediately, without seeing any kind of action from myself, try and take it upon yourself to save the day. Now, I know that we'd named a ship after you, the hero, but you could give a jelly a chance. Okay, okay, okay, look, it's fine, it's just, you know, two heads a middle of...

No, no, you should probably fire. I have fucking rolled a one again. Oh my God. Oh my God. We should not be putting Dr. Z in this turret. Man, this is the second natural one in a row. Wait, at least he's not firing. It's the exact same.

It's the exact same. It's not firing at you. Yeah, it's, oh, no, it's not the exact same. It's a six, five, four. Oh, I see it. Never mind. It's different. How did you mind?

I'm terrible at this, but I... This is phenomenal. This is painful. This is a, I'm really embarrassed by this. It's hurting me as a person and a jelly. Well, give me another percentile role. Oh, Dick, come on. How bad, how bad.

62. Oh, damn it again in the 60s. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. No, no, no, no. This is the exact same because last time you got 62 as well. This is, wait, this is the exact same. This is creepy. This is pretty weird.

This is almost as this. though Dr. Z just has like one way of fire. It could be different but holy hell those are just unless um. What? Hold on. I want to screenshot it. That is crazy luck. Bad luck. One one one and a 15 and then a 62 and then a 1 15 and then a 62. What are the chances of that? I know.

Hi. This is like during Benjamins when I got that like four out of four like weird things. That is crazy luck but in the wrong area. Yes. So Dr. Z fires and he actually fire's pretty true because he hits the asteroid. Oh, and then it just makes all the other ones into the fucking, oh. Breaking it into a myriad of pieces,

most of which are coming in strong at the Grey Dragon. Burning rain, burning rain. I just want to see you standing in there. Trevor, is like, looking madly at this

this burning rain of asteroid parts. As he, he fires blindly into it. He fires off a bunch of rounds, but what can you do to like a hundred small pieces, you know? He gives it his best,

though. Yeah. Wait, I've got, do we have time? Because I've got another idea for what we could do. Maybe. Well,

what Trevor does is he fires and he hits. Okay. One of the larger pieces of asteroid. For what good that does, because there are still, you know, like just dozens of these asteroid pieces coming in at you and your shields are turned off.

Do I still? have a time to do something. Yeah. Yeah, you still got another two points of energy after all. All right. I'm thinking if I fire and Trevor fires at the exact same time and they, the two blasts of laser hits each other at the same time, could it like maybe take out like a bunch? Or that superhero double laser effect.

Exactly. And try and like get the two laser shots to hit it and make a little explosion in the sky to take out some of those, that de Briss. That's just, just crazy enough to work. Yes. now I don't cross the streams we need to cross streams Trevor Trevor sort of like wildly looking at Dr. Zian

then you know there's a sort of a dawn of realisation in his head and this is I mean this is kind of like a Zag maneuver this is the kind of crazy shit they get up to so he's he nods and you can see like when he's back in action mode he's no longer freaked out about the fact that like he was operating on such low

shields he's now back in problem solving mode because he is a he is an action hero after all and he gets a two things a toothy, uh, Zag-like grin at Dr. Z as he, um, aims at a point where the asteroids are incoming. All right. Target paint, Trevor. All right. I'm, I'm going in here. Right, you're going in there. I mean, was that the... Right, I shouldn't question it. I have missed twice. Yeah, no, I will, uh, I will follow your lead on this one.

All right, shoot the damn thing. You shoot the damn thing. Am I firing first? You fire the damn thing. Am I firing first? Or should we fire on three? We should fire together? Fire together on when? One, two, three. Fuck, I've rolled in two. What is going on? Have I got a lot of your chances of that low or anything?

I don't have a negative or anything. I'm just, oh, I'm so annoyed. Genuinely annoyed. I'm so upset. You both fire off your lasers. And they go sort of near together and then just sort of fly past one another. We've got one more chance. do we?

You've got one more chance. Quick again, again. Again, all right. We can get this. We can get this. I don't know, Trevor. I mean, I'm glad that now you finally believe in me, but I am not starting to believe in myself. This is...

Very embarrassing. This is very embarrassing. This is painful. All right, on three. This is never happened before. On the three. On the three. One, two, three.

Eleven. 11. And you wrote 11. They match. They match. They match. They match. They match.

They match. We hit perfectly. That's so lucky. It's 1111. It's 11. 11. Make a wish. I wish the asteroids would fuck off.

I wish that they would just fucking let me hit things when I try to hit asteroids with a fucking space gun. 1111. On your last chance to do anything about this, the two blasters, you're both aiming from the turrets, the turrets either side of the bridge. It actually matches though. That's fucking cool. Firing off. And your shots are symmetrical.

You both fight at the sack moment at the same location. Synchronicity. As they fire off and they struck together. Some of the asteroids have already sort of come past your impact point by the time they strike together. But they hit together and they just blast out. The full energy is just sort of blasting out in all directions. Evaparating the vast majority of the asteroids. Firing some of the smaller pieces straight back down at you at a higher speed.

Oh, fuck. Little palettes. But the Grey Dragon is well armored. the same i'm afraid cannot be said about the paint job however as reese is just carpeted with um it's like he's being like buckshot like he's just oh like the bad the bad bloke from um um double seven with the diamonds in this face yeah just just sandblasted as the paint job is really messed up as like little bits of asteroid are embedded in the armor he doesn't doesn't take any damage but uh he's he's still whimpering like he's in pain as you know definitely

his vanity has taken a serious blow. Rase, you'll be all right. We'll get that paint scrubbed up and bright, bright new colors replacing it. It is time that we do all go shopping. I think we all deserve new outfits, and Reese, you will be on the top of that list. Thank you, Dr. Doctor, but we'll get the shields back on as soon as we can. It's okay, it's okay, I'm almost done. Boris is sort of wiping the front of his space helmet as diogenes.

He and Cleo just showered sound and shards and dust. It's better than actual medios. It's just me and you, media. It's meteor and dust. It's just all of us. He's done a bunch of stuff. And then suddenly Cleo sort of feels something coming loose. And so a large chunk of what she's carrying is just sort of like pulling away.

As you sort of, you look up, you can see. Yeah, I agree. I agree. I agree that with that phase that you're pulling. Boris is now putting himself hand over hand along the cable back towards the Grey Dragon, his legs up in the air, and on the other end of the cable, there's just this box. It's like a crate. It's like twice the size of Boris himself of just ramshackle things strapped together.

That's the battery pack? That's the battery pack. It's just sort of floating, flopping. It looks so unimpressed. Floating and flopping loosely at the side of the grey dragon. Oh, no. As he's like pulling himself hand over hand back towards the grey dragon. And you can see he starts rummaging around inside the cavity he made, inside the control panel.

And he sort of looks back, big grin at his eyes, Ah, Cleo, a screwdriver. Are you fucking kidding me? Fucking hell. Okay. Cleo is straight up just looking at him, like when a... the dog is hearing a weird noise and her head's kind of cocked. You mean like, like them ones?

And she points out to space where the, sort of the slowly rotating, getting smaller and smaller case vanishes off behind the asteroids. Yeah. I just, Boris looks up there idly, looks back down at Cleo. I knew I should have done something. Looks up again. And then he's like, well, it's just the. turn the safety key background

so a butter knife would do. Okay. Can I see the screw or whatever he's looking at? So if you were just sort of peer in there, you can see it seems to be like a safety power engaged and like on

and off kind of thing. Like a keyhole. Okay. One of the things where you just jam a flat head screwdriver and you can turn it one way on the other. So it's an insertible that would require something like a Phillips head screwdriver or a flat wedge one. A flat head screwdriver. Just anything that he could just jam in there and twist will do this job.

I feel like Cleo would just inherently have something like, not a screwdriver, but like a wedge of metal or like a grenade key or something. You know what? I'll bet Cleo's got a grenade that she hasn't used. And you can just bend back the key and just use that. Yeah. That's what I'm going to do.

It's so crazy that you go there. You have a knife. Yeah. Do I? Dick even said like a butter knife. But it was an energy blade. Yeah, but it's still a... I don't have a butter knife.

No, I know, I know. I'm not telling you. I'm saying it's just funny that your mind goes to like, it's been the keyback of a grenade, whereas you have like a... That's something that Cleo definitely has on her at all times, you know? I mean, I don't always have a butter knife, but I do always have a grenade.

I feel like Cleo just licks butter straight out of the gardens. Oh my God. Oh, my God. Who uses a knife for butter? More like butterspoon. I have my own tub. And when I have food, I just, the food is the vehicle. Yeah.

Right. I can't believe we're even having this conversation. This is a cultural difference, I think. This is obviously like, if you were from Dias, like, I think you would probably eat butter like that too. You would get it, but it's cool that you don't get it. I mean, not that, yeah, and Dias, they have butter. It would just be like. definitely do not have that.

Food grade lube or something. Yeah. Yeah, they don't even, and that's like if you had a really good take after robbing a transport that shouldn't have been there, you know, like... You can grease up your flatbread with some food grade lubricant.

Yeah. And that's like a Christmas thing, you know? You're not just like... That's not a Tuesday. But, yeah, I'm going to use a grenade. All right. I see what you need. I got you.

I got you, Boris. Now, you know, I ain't got a screw driver because somebody, somebody you did them. But I do got, uh, got this. Oh, this is perfect. That's what I thought. Now me and you speak the same language, my friend. Oh, tough, tough it here, yeah.

Well, yeah, all right. Here you go. Ha! You know what I'm going to ask for. Oh, no. Yes, I. Oh. I mean, you.

You fell for that. That was Dick Magic. I was rude. That was very rude. I know, but I knew what was happening, Dan. I shouldn't have done it, but it felt fun. It felt so good. My mind's telling me no.

But my body. I mean, I was definitely like, the early stage of this, I was considering throwing like additional spanners into the works, but it's just not been necessary. Oh, well, thank you, Dick. Thank you. That's what you say every time. You're always like, hey, I mean, I was going to,

use initially I was going to use your disadvantages against you but you guys do it all the time yourselves yeah but you know what take we're still alive so you know what still alive we're still here we still kicking but cleo's cleo's got a grenade it's it's not she hasn't pulled the key all the way out though she has twisted it around this is a dexterity I'm going to do this I'm going to say my prayer to my god which is butter and here it goes It's a negative two, but at least it's not a natural one. Wow, okay, cool. Well, it feels about as bad as a natural one.

What is going on? She's doing like a nice safe underarm toss with this grenade towards Boris. We don't play in no gravity very often. But she fumbles with her claws at the last minute, putting a spin on it. And it just sort of is just flying off up to join the screwdriver. That's fine. Okay, I'll go back into my suit for something else. I'm gonna I'm gonna look for something else. How would you how would you like me to do that? Would you like me to assume an item or?

Do you still have your bucket of bits that you're gonna you were gonna do like a dice roll for the bucket of bit stuff? I do but I never completed the list. I could make something up. Let's just do a percentile roll on your bucket of bits. Okay. And I will treat it as big, good, small bad. So I've got a 55. Bucket of bits. Bucket of bits. Okay, fine.

So we made it, guys. We made it by five points. So as Cleo sort of reaches back into her bucket. Just pulling out the first thing that feels vaguely like it might slot into that gap and pulls it out. It is. It looks like a little piece of packaging. It's sort of like a really sort of a firm but flexible, like card like plastic. But it's long and thin.

And although it's quite. floppy and flimsy. If it was turned just right and didn't scrunch up too much, it might just do the track. Oh. Oh my god. It feels like Boris has got some rolling into do himself. It don't feel like that. I'm gonna, like, pull that out of my container and I'm gonna hold it up into the chill space air, if you could even say that because it is very oxymoronic and I see now the error of my ways, but nonetheless, into the atmosphere. into the absence of air and I'm just gonna say boy I can't believe we just we just wasted a grenade Boris hell and I'm gonna hand him this try that just sort of reaching out at full extension yes

Boris is sort of like reaching out with his arm he's hanging on with one hand onto this cable and there's this lanes of flailing in space as he like extends that with his other arm we've got this sort of this barrel of monkeys thing going on again as he reaches over to Cleo he ends up having just ever repel himself and shimmy down the cable a little bit. He's looking kind of precarious as he finally gets close enough to grab between two fingers of his oversized space suit. His fingers are a bit sort of floppy and waving about. He grabs his flimsy little thing and pulls it back towards the ship.

Oh, come on, Boris. And Boris, as an expert engineer, he's going to make an engineering role here. Oh, my God. 14, 14. 14. 14. That's better than anything we've rolled. As Boris reaches his hand in there, he's filling around and he manages to twist the little safety knob.

As suddenly the makeshift battery pack he's produced sort of just starts humming. And there's a blue neon glow emanating from it. As inside the ship, Trevor has climbed back up out of the gun turrets to check on the console. He's like, it's working. It's, it's, it's working really fast. It's, oh, this says, I, uh-oh, too fast. Boris, what happens if you've put too much power into our shields? Oh my God.

Oh my God, Jesus fucking cry. We cannot. We need to take damage to keep the shields low. This is like turning into heat, but you know, you have to drive a certain speed. Or the bus will explode. No, that's speed. Boris is sort of like, different movie. We are on speed right now

Wait Yeah sorry Cleo what I forgot That that was another thing Anyway That you're doing your spare time It's simple science

Trevor If you overpower The energy field That's just how you make an energy Blade Oh Shit Boris

What? What? He just turned the fucking grey dragon into the grey blade. Boris just turned us into a knife. Yeah. Okay, wow. Well, alright. And then Boris looking at the grey dragon and then sort of looks down at his own body,

looking over at Cleo and he's like... Oh my god, we should get up. Clea? Yeah, I think. We need... Then he looks over at his truck. And then he sort of like looks down at his wristwatch. And he's like...

What? And then his eyes finally do sort of settle and widen with surprise as he's like... Run! He starts scrambling along the ship, abandoning all the things that he's got as he starts just crawling along the ship back towards the airlocks. Oh my. Run, Cleo, run! Can I just ask, like, has he left our only tools up here? I mean, he has, he's got backup tools. He's got a lot of crap. He's a hoarder.

Okay, I like how you said that so that you could keep me from staying up here and trying to get him. I mean, you guys do not have a very good track record with like suddenly emanating energy fields. You're right about that. I feel like we recently might have had an episode where I probably am still like shaved from that. Yeah, probably. Shaved being a really variable term here for like got burnt off. Singed. The chafing.

still haunts me, but, um, I'm still getting ingrown hairs from that. But, um, I, yeah, I too will, uh, will run. D-da-da-da-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d. I'm following Boris. Yeah. Run. D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d. We're going to go into action mode here as, um, Cleo, and, and awkwardly at almost zero gravity, just sort of like,

clawing their way. I'm thinking like sort of along the underside of the Grey Dragon. Mad, hand and foot. Every time you touch it, you're getting like these little static shocks. As though the energy shield, even though Trevor hasn't turned it back on, it sort of seems to be trying to like set itself off and break out. Oh shit. From Trevor's viewpoint, he can see the energy shields are back at full.

But, you know, like... They are. But they're a knife now, so... They're back at full, but like things don't look normal with them. There's no proper heads-up display for the phenomenon that's happening. Trevor. So he can only imagine what's going on, but they recharge faster than they should be. And the recharging signal is still sort of going on there, even though they're at full.

Trevor. Trevor's like sort of staring at see? Right. Now, I have been caught in that energy field before, and it is not fun. We need to slow down that recharge rate while we buy some time for Cleo and Boris to get back on board. What, there's nothing I could do that Boris has taken control over the network from the outside. Yes, I'm saying bounce this ship into small things. What?

Trevor sort of like looks at you and he's like, oh yeah. Hit the shields with small debris slowing down the recharge, buying them time to get back inside before this whole fucking ship turns into an energy blade and our best friends get cut into billions of pieces. Now's the time to be a reckless pilot, Trevor. Bump into things. Holy crap. Trevor's sort of like, oh yeah. As he disengages the landing gear, the grey dragon begins to float up away from the asteroid. Leaving Boris's truck behind, we'll just have to stay here.

Perhaps you can claim it back next time you come through. Yeah, it'll be a little memento. A little relic of our voyage through the wall. As the Grey Dragon drifts away. That's a landmark now. We barely tried, but... Clear and Boris still sort of scarring along it

as Trevor are looking for a choice meteorite that's near enough and close enough to your current trajectory that he doesn't have to engage the engines too long and risk shaking his friends loose. This is one of the more dangerous situations you guys have been because unlike Herodotus' sort of zero G effects as well, like you are in the middle of an asteroid field. So floating up into space, you know, is very dangerous.

Like you could potentially still be rescued by the Grey Dragon flying well, but you could also be smashed by a lot of flying objects. Well, that's not happening right now. So let's, um... We're good, we're good, we're good, we're good. I don't know why you're even thinking about that. Trevor's like, all right, just hang on for one second. Hang on for one second, guys.

Just hang on really tight. you holding on? Yeah, yeah, yes. And then there's a quick little burst. It's always like he's rigged system, he's done sort of thing, he's using two different ignitions. Like he's popping on the speed, but then he's, you know, cutting the engines manually at the same time

just to get this tiny, minuscule burst of energy. Yeah, not as minimal as possible, but I'm going to roll a little piloting roll. Oh, of course you are. My butters clinched, Dickie. It's a nine. So we're going to need a strength save from Cleo and for Boris, because this isn't quite going as intended.

It's a little bit too much power, and you're going to have to make sure you're holding on good. Fuck, yes. Cleo. Amazing. So Cleo. It's a 23. Has rolled a 23 on this strength save.

Oh, Boris just. And Boris has rolled a 10. Boris sort of flapping about, but he manages to hug on as the ship sort of bursts out, blasting his way through. He's got himself into the line of fire, which is just getting pummeled by these smaller asteroids. They're just like whacking the shields, keeping them in check, as the shields are sort of like wavering and flickering on.

Some, because the shields aren't properly engaged, sometimes they're just hitting Reese who's like just squawking and squealing with pain. But Cleo and Boris are finally able to continue scurrying along, no longer getting these static shocks as the shields are kept somehow at bay. I will rush over towards the airlock door communicating with Boris and Cleo. Cleo Boris. Cleo, Boris is still there. That's clear. Cleo, the bloody shields. Boris has rigged them. They're going to, well, are you close? Well, yeah, almost.

Alright, I'm going to be meeting you at the door. Okay. Boris, Boris, you there. I mean, he's there. Yes, yes, I'm just behind the Cleo. Oh right, okay, he's still that good. I would just, you know, Boris, you were very silent there for a moment, everything's a bit tense at the moment. Well, it's because he made us into a life. Yes, I mean, Boris, next time you go making an entire ship into a bloody energy blade, Do you want to maybe talk to the entire crew first?

I mean, the original plan was increased shield capabilities. Oh, he did. He did. Yes, well, he, of course he's bloody got done it. He's going to use himself as the first test experiment. Well, yeah. Well, yeah. Well, it is quite exciting, Doctor.

I don't think anybody has done this before. I think engine was exciting enough. I don't know if we need to be doing this as well. This really turns up the edge in, though, no, no. Yes, I can think about the application. You ever edged with a knife? No, I have not. But I've seen people who have done it,

and they have been scarred for life, Cleo. I mean, that is true. That is true in many ways. I'm at the door now. I'll punch the button and open it and pop my head out and wave and be like, Cleo, Boris! You can see, Cleo is right there,

just dragged herself pretty much to the door. Can I drag Boris in? Trailing all the hide. Yeah, like once you sort of get a foothold in there, suddenly, you know, the artificial gravity of the Grey Dragon is finally at play again. You're actually no longer the sort of like bare balloon and you're able to easily just sort of hoist the weightless Boris. Yank him in the door. Okay. As he comes in, I...

Boris, look, I do think what you've done is bloody brilliant. But it is insane. Boris is sort of like wide eye and he's like, oh no! Oh no! We're going to miss it. And he starts running down the hallway towards the bridge. Miss what? Oh, hell.

Oh, hell. Miss it! And he's like rushing in as Trevor is like going, Oh, guys! Well, we're coming. Well, yes, of course we're coming. Because I don't want to miss it. I'm going to pull the door closed first and shut this airlock.

Yeah, that's a good idea. And then I look over at Cleo and be like, I thought we were meant to be the ridiculous ones. Now we've been paired with Borg. And Boris and Trevor apparently just fly us into walls and turn us into night. Zee, I ain't never seen anything like that. Look, I think we need to get control of this crew again. Smart bear and a doctor.

Not ridiculous knife and fly into a wall. We've got to turn this back into the floating science center that it was in the first place. I agree. I mean, really. As you follow behind. You can see like Boris has just rushed straight. right into the bridge where he's standing there like holding on to the back of Trevor's chair. Both of them are slack-jawed looking out the front as there's just blue light just like filling the cockpit.

And the outside, it looks like you're looking through this sort of this rippling blue fire. It's very cool Boris. Look, I mean it's ridiculous, but it is cool. As Trevor sort of like looks back to you guys, I haven't even turned them on. And he turns the shields back off. Oh fuck. And there's like a jolting feeling. It's like an electricity in the air. As that sort of that rippling blue fire ahead of you

suddenly just solidifies crystalline into just points. There's like a, almost like a bladed point out the front of you. But you can sort of see like the sort of almost crystalline energy shield shape extending out from the Grey Dragon at various angles. Wow. As Trevor, a big, two-year-old. grinned forming on his face, fires up the engines as you begin cutting through asteroids like butter.

God, tinkles, you guys. Mitchell tingles. This is sick. Dick, you're so freaking smart. Man, this is cool. I'm just gonna look at Boris and I'm gonna be like, Boris. Boris, I agree, Boris. Boris is just like staring out the window, his smile getting bigger and bigger and bigger.

Boris, what remote did you get that battery out of? Yes, Boris, how did you bloody think of such a thing? I mean, really. It's easy. It's a thing, a sip like this. It has very, very big batteries for the life support units. The what? Hold on what?

Oh, that's fine. You can live without those days. Right, yes. And I suppose, uh, is that what we should expect then, Boris? to be living without those for days. But like what part, like what part, though? Like food replication. Did you turn the food replicator off?

Did you turn the food? I don't mind so much the food replicator, as long as the source machine still works. Boris, Boris. Let me tell you. Let me talk to you. Boris is cheapishly sort of like tuning around. It's almost like he's got one eye,

off to one side, still looking at his handiwork as Trevor is just mowing his way through the asteroid field. We're going to have to talk about this later, Boris. chuckling to himself as Boris sort of like, you know, like guiltily looks back into the living area where the food replicator is set up. Maybe it's on that circuit. Cleo immediately sits, just in the floor. Oh, we're doomed. Cleo, we are doomed.

Look at dust. I just didn't know. I didn't even empty anything out of him. Like, I didn't. All we asked him to do was to turn the bloody shields on just to recharge them. and now we've got no fucking source in the entire ship. I just, hold on.

I need a minute. Cleo's going to head into the turret. Can I see the grenade in space? I mean, give me a roll. The charts are low, but you know, I'll let you try. Okay. Nope. Cleo can't, cannot even see the grenade,

but just sort of wobbling by, sort of rotating slowly in space. There's a small screwdriver case. Can I shoot it? Why not? I just... Get that rage out. I need to.

Nailed it. That's a 23. Well, thank God for that. Cleo. Polar opposite to Dr. Z's shooting. Vaporizes. Yeah. It's probably a fair point.

The screwdriver set. Yeah, I couldn't hit an asteroid. Cleo can hit a screwdriver. Yeah, okay, fair. As suddenly the second half of the journey is rather effortless, as Trevor is able to cut the now souped up and souped down Grey Dragon. Nice. As you're going to have to...

You're making your way into wraith space rather safely, but you've only got a couple days of, well, of sort of basic life sources. Obviously, your oxygen supply, your water supply, your waste management. Oh, good. And you're just going to have to do without food replication for... It's a shame we weren't very, very clear about what we wanted Boris to do. That is unfortunate that we weren't.

I don't think the menu was that big. No, no. There hasn't been really like Boris is on a few occasions. He's just taken upon himself to get things going. And every time he's done things in an... unexpected way and kind of fucked with your shit a little bit. But like we're a knife now

in an asteroid field. I love it. I love it. This is the only way to get through an asteroid field. This is the way. And I mean Cleo might spend the next three days in the turret singing like, I hurt myself today. Starts looking at Jordan being

like Jordan. Jordan. Because I can't get a meal. So, Reese, how does it feel to be the thing that deals the damage and cuts through things now? How does it feel to be a knife? How does it feel to be a knife, Reese? I am getting my revenge on the asteroid, Z. Right. Huh?

Hmm? Hmm. Hmm. Rees is a bastard. Reese is fucking laughing at a... hurting rocks. I feel that on a cellular level. And as Cleo sings her sad song to herself

and thinks of brighter days when she was able to get food on demand from the ship, knowing damn well that the only food left in the ship of the things that she is, much like the wild bear she is, she's stowed in various places. It's true. And that won't last long, you know, not now that she's got the hunger for it. She knows where they're all place, so she's, you know, she's going to eat them pretty quick.

But Trevor and Boris are both looking quite gleeful as, uh, as, uh, as, I can just see them. This potential certain doom has been turned into, it turned into a real adventure. Boris, Boris hasn't even like really thought about the fact that he's left behind his truck and lost a lot of his tools. We'll get him a new one. We will. Still enraptured with the thing. And Reese, you can hear still just going. with a childlike joy as

as asteroids just seemed to like burst and pop like bubbles. Yeah. So wholesome. It is. It's just such a good family moment. Because we struggled so hard that I feel like you deserve to have that kind of ending. Like there were so many ones. So many ones.

I'm actually upset. Is that the name of the episode? So many ones, yeah. So many ones. I think that's a good name. I don't know if that's the most ones we've ever done, though. No, but it was the most one, it was the most bad ones in a row. Yeah, they were quite important shots and they were like, after one another.

Or is the name of the episode, you call that a knife? Yes, that's much better. That is much better. You call that a knife. You call that a knife. You call that a knife. Because no one will ever figure out that a ship was going to become a knife. Probably won't need screwdrivers.

Probably won't need a knife. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, too many good names. Oh, right. Man, Dickie. Great episode. I'm feeling good. I'm feeling really good.

That was so. The butter knife. And people initially they will think it's, you know, about a butter knife that Cleo is going to give. Oh, yeah. Give Boris to turn the key. But then it turns out, no, the dragon, the gray dragon is the knife. The knife is the shit. Oh.

I'm getting dick magic all day. Dick magic all day. Dick magic all night. Getting dicked. Cutting through asteroids, like a knife through butter, I think, is the word siouxed even. So there was this like intricate web of tunnel systems and currents and things that Trevor has like a London cabby got locked away in his brain. And he was going to take us through that. And Boris being fucking ridiculous, just turn the ship into a knife and now Trevor just needs to drive straight.

It's insane. Cut a path. But what I add is adding a new slip stream. behind you. Oh, so and you just like direct path, just a tunnel. Wait, is that really bad? But it's really good for us. Good for us. We know where it is. Well, it's only halfway through

and it's from the giant asteroids. It's like our secret entrance and exit through the wall. We have to like move a rock in front of it. Yes, I love that idea. That's so good. But also paint the rock. But we have to paint it. Because we'll forget.

We can see it. Paint a big like big cross on it. But it's like this unnatural rock just sitting in the middle of this. No nerds allow. Oh my God, I love it. It's also like, I mean, like the majority of pilots would never think to fly into those slip streams because they're, they look like the worst part, you know? Yeah.

That's where the most asteroids are. That's super smart, though. That's how it works if you're like driving through a river, like a glacial river. Like you're supposed to go into the like part that looks more dangerous. Because people want to go through the, like if you have to drive through it, they're like... Because it looks clear, but it's actually deep. Yeah, like, you're supposed, like, people want to go through, like, I can't remember which way it is. Because the way they teach you how to drive through a river is opposite here.

Because a temporary glacial river is different from, like, an existing river. So it's like the flat part that looks really shallow. It's actually super deep and dangerous. It's dangerous. Because that's like the newer part, so it's more turbulent. but if you look at the like skinny deep part that's the part that's more stable good to know we just did that organically

the space yes when you're smart you're smart I mean I I really like how like just those beats we got in that like I couldn't have planned a lot of that I felt like you did even just like the turning it into a knife and then like the sort of the other the little one two punch of like oh but he had to two he's fucked the ship you've only got a couple days left and you've got no food.

Like that was a last minute thought. Oh, good. I'm glad we, but it works with that. Holy shit. That was, so if we kept our mouth shut, the whole time we were playing that and I was like,

how did he think of all this shit? Like, I was, like, if he didn't do all this, this story would be dumb. Yeah, no, it was so, so good. Oh, I loved it. I was like, I was thinking, like, I would make it so that, like, you'd have to, like, defend,

like, I was going to have, like, some sort of, like, sandworm come out of the asteroid or something. Yeah. It just was, it was not necessary. We didn't even need it. Like, once I started getting on a roll, with, like, Boris being the antagonist. The rocks were enough.

Actually, you know what? We were our own worst enemy. Rocks. Yeah, rocks couldn't have been enough. Rocks and ourselves. As soon as, like, you know, because, like, you're supposed to be, like, you have this cruiser that's got its own little fucking chunky gravity thing.

You guys can be, like, strapped onto it. just working on the ship. Why would we do that? Why would we behave? Is Boris upset that we've lost his car? Well, it's, you know, he hasn't had time to process that thing because he's too excited about the fact that he's just invented knife ships.

Also, how great is it that this like insane, amazing energy blade ship that's flying through space now, cutting through rocks, is essentially just a ship with like a few cable wires dangling off the end of it with a fucking box just bouncing along. That's the source of the tower. It's just this weird dongle just being like bashing around on the back of the ship. Like a deep sea angler.

Exactly. It's just kind of like, all it needs is one hit to that dongle and the fucking whole super weapon of energy blade in space is gone. But currently... Wow, we're not a great target right now, are we? No, we're a ranged target. I love it though.

The minute that you get up close. We're in trouble. Oh my God. I hope we can keep this. I know it's like, no, but the minute they get up close, you cut through them

because you're a giant energy. But if we roll another one and miss and then they cut us? Oh my God. I mean, I think we know who not to put in charge of those rolls then. Both of us, man.

No, no, you rolled badly, but I rolled ones. You rolled ones like the whole game. You did almost kill clear. That was, how many times does that happen,

though let's be real. Look, I was... That was, actually, that was really, that was genius, like, turning off the, um... Very genius. That moment, super genius. On the truck. Yeah. So the truck, like, flows out.

Like, that was cool. And then we get that moment of, like, Cleo, like, holding the two ships together. I know. Atlas! Atlas B! Oh, my God. We almost died ten times. I know.

I know. Season two did start off. But we never do. We never do, though. We never do. I don't feel, I feel like that's the trope. Like, every time we start a season, we have to almost die. It is almost a trove.

remember the first one? Yes. Yeah. That was probably a similar thing. It'd be so, like, in a first episode, it would be really sad to kill off a character. Like, next episode we could sort of, you know, maybe be in a position where someone could die. But, like, I was like, I was really worried that Boris was going to get killed. And it would be kind of be for nothing, you know, it would be like.

Oh, my God. We couldn't. We would have had, honestly, we couldn't have killed Boris. I was, but after like three ones, I was like, it would be weird if we had to roll a new character. on the first. So we're only here all the way into season two and this is season two of campaign two.

So like there's been a couple of campaigns. There's been a couple of seasons. There's been hundreds of episodes now if I can say that because there's like a hundred in like 12 or 13 or something. These have only been possible because of years.

And so everybody gather around the campfire. Gather around. This is the first. Roll up, roll up. Season two, roll. roll call of the bastard Legion, and that is you. And you are known by the monikers

Cheaper by the Dungeon. Cheaper by the Dungeon. Thank you. And Lucas Duff, who you all just enjoyed in our last two episodes. And we need to have back again very soon. Lucas Duff. Thank you. That was amazing. A million times. Thank you, Duff. Just live

here now, please. Thank you for your patronage and for your patronizing. Yeah. And that's Ballad of the Seven Dice Dice if you want to check out his podcast. us please do because amazing. And Marcus Brackleman. Brackley boy. As they say.

As they say. They do talk about him. They do say that he is a broccoliist. Well, and they say more things than that too. We're not allowed to say those things. We're not. This may be rated explicit, but not explicit.

Don't worry, broccoli. We got you. If you know what I mean. We'll keep that secret. And Eric B. Rhodes. Eric Rhodes. Take me home. You a home.

You a ho. You were ho You already know You were filthy Downright dirty Fucking ho Eric Rose That was beautiful

I've heard many covers of that song But nothing like that That was for you Eric That was for you from the heart That belongs on a whole cassette tape And noodle Noodle bite Noodle bite

noodle boy. Noodle boy. Our favorite carbohydrate. I eat them daily. Yeah. Well. Not healthy. I know.

I had worms, but they're pretty much noodles. Yep. That's the same, Dan. You can have a worm. Dick said. Thank you. Yep.

And the abale queen. Watch out for those bees. Watch out for those bees. I've been eating delicious wasp meat. Also a fine choice. A fine dining cuisine. And Nicole. Hey guys.

It's Nicole. Hey guys. biggest bastard of them all. Isn't Nicole? Such a bastard. Such a bastard. And Randy. Randy.

Randy. There's a shit story. Is a shit story. Climb that shit rope. Get away from the Shriver River, Randy. What is that? Trailer Park Boys. Okay.

All right. I was like, okay, we've said it so many times that it must be a thing. But sometimes it's not. It's Mr. Leahy talking to Randy in trailer park boys. I need to watch that again. It's so good. It's like 2000. Oh, that's great.

I like bubbles. Yeah, I mean, who doesn't? He's my favorite. I like, yeah. And YBots, 999. 999. Who is actually a real sin. Yes, he is.

And that was a bit upsetting when he told us and he was like, hey, guys, I'm actually, actually a synth. And we were like. But he's self-aware. And he makes his own choices. And that's why he chose to be here. Thank you, Wibatz. Thank you. And Trevor.

Forever. Forever. That's his real name. Yeah. First and last. Thank you. But it's spelled like what? Like forever.

Like F-O-U-R. It is. He had to pay a lot of money to get it changed to that because... But that's what he feels and that's who he is. That's who he is. Forever.

And he's the only pilot that we know that can get us through the wall. Yeah, yeah. That is until Boris starts, you know, like masturbating these life shit. Unannounced fuckery. Listen, you can't be blamed for other people's genius. And speaking of genius, we have Ben from No Mercy Podcast.

And he is an actual genius. An actual genius in real life. IQ of 312, if you believe it. If you can believe it, that is. If you don't believe it, then fair enough. I can't do anything to force you to believe it I can't convince you The dick magic only goes so far

You know what I mean And that's okay because next is Doth or Daph For those of you who are uninitiated Doff Another genius Because once again She's picked the right place

She has And that is here Doff has arrived And here she is Duff And then Clayton dog meat. Dog meat. Dog meat teaches his daughters

how to fuck shit up and you got to watch out for the dog meat family because they are going to... When the apocalypse hits, they're going to fucking have everything. They're going to make it. I'm imagining sort of like shotguns and flamethrowers kind of thing. Probably. Yeah, I know. But... I think that's

about... Dog meat. Or is it more like to like a boxing glove on a spring? Yes. Can you imagine how cool it would be if your surname was dog meat? Yeah. Now, all I'm saying is look out for dog meat family because when the apocalypse hits run from the dog meat. Do you think we could join the family, like, legally so that we could also be called that? They are, they're hench.

The tricky thing is, if you join a family and you're not like sort of a core member, when the cannibalism times is it. Yeah, this is it. Yeah. You got to decide who you like the least and eat them. And you know that, you know, they're going to stick together. You need to look ahead far enough into the future to start thinking about cannibalism. I have a lot of really marketable skills, though.

I can make a cassidia. Out of human flesh. Can you convince someone to eat their own family member in lieu of you? Because that's the only skill that's going to matter when the apocalypse comes. Might do. Might do. And I'll tell you what, it's a skill I've been working on for a long time. I've not been cannibalized yet.

Well. Well, maybe we can all rejoin. And, uh, just lay myself outside and, uh, just lay myself out like a hot supper. I'll just lie down on the blade. I just, there I go. I did it for you. All right. Boston, Boston.

I don't think they'll want you if you're dead, though. You know how, like, a lizard won't eat something that somebody killed? So, like, when you drop its dinner in the tank, it's got to be alive? Yeah. Or is that snakes? Either way, sushi isn't fun off a dead person. Lizards. Lizards are just walking snakes.

Yeah, that's true. They thought they could pull that one over us, pull a fast one, but no. Dick's noticed. There's a snake with legs, and it tries to be, like, calling itself a snake still. It ain't. Still, if you got legs. That's what I was saying. But it's in the dictionary and everything.

And the last bastard Legion, legionaire. Is that how that works? Yeah. Yeah. Legioneer is a member of the leader. Shima. Nah, that's a disease, Dick. Come on.

Shema disease. Legionaire's disease, I think. I don't know. Shema. Legionaires get it. That's true. That's a great point. That's something to think about.

Yes. And Shima is the last bastard at this time. And so that means if something to, goes wrong. We're going to save them. We need to save Shima. But we cannot promise. I thought if something goes wrong, we're going to eat Shima first. No. Yeah, well, don't let him know that, but maybe. Shema, you got a 50-50 chance here, okay? You're either first or last. I would work on the whole convincing us we should eat. We should eat someone else. Schema, I like you, but I can't say what way I'm going to go on the day. It just depends, like, what kind of apocalypse.

we're facing. Exactly. There might be loads of things. It's also kind of like if you line everybody up, who smells the most like a bacon. Like a bacon. You know what I mean? Shima,

I will give you a chance to, um, to, to, you know, let us know how you feel about it. But, um,

yeah, it really is going to depend on, they have some marketable skills. On the type of apocalypse. And also where we're at the, at the time. So, um,

you know. Kane never could. You never know till you know. Yes. This is Wheel of Fortune. Will you be consumed at the, end times. Bastard.

I just think you're being a bit selfish, okay? We are all hungry. Not just you. All of us are hungry. The food replicator's been broken for like a day. So anyway, and I guess what I'm saying is like, you should become a patron and get, get, claim that last in line spot, especially if you've always had the sort of, you know, weird sort of dark

warped fantasy of being cannibalized by a podcast. Yeah. We're about to open this up to an entirely new. demographic. So check us out on Patreon. Check us out. Hey, we're here for you. We probably won't eat you.

Probably won't, but that doesn't mean won't. Both of y'all are vegan though. Well, I can't say what's going to happen when I get hungry. Because veganism doesn't count people, right? People are fine. So that's like a free space. Well, I'm just thinking like if, if veganism isn't, yeah, because like people are only going to turn to

cannibalism if veganism is off the table. because typically though like aren't isn't the philosophy it's meat or nothing you know the philosophy of veganism though is to save the earth so in a way in a way you should eat people because we're like the biggest plague on the planet and i'm saying shema you know 50 50 dan's looking at eating people you're you're keeping one person alive even as you but if you can take out a lot of people then in a way it's kind of like you know as a net benefit i guess yeah yeah the net benefit

benefit of that is quite good. I just eat too. And that's what you come to Backwater Basis for. You shouldn't stop it too, I think. Anyway, thanks for entertaining our podcasting and our thanks for letting us do this. Thank you.

Our chill conversations on cannibalism. And if you haven't already then sign up on the Patreon because you will get access to our new and exclusive for a month of early access show Sidearm, where we release.

release an extra episode every week, sometimes too. If we have an emergency part. If I can't shut up. If we have urgent stuff, we'll release it. But Sidearm is a patron exclusive for a month for the patrons. Yeah. You get to hear it before any of those plebs out there. And then you can come into our Discord into the secret channel.

And we can all talk about it and look at secret stuff and nobody else can see it. And even when it releases to the rest of the whole wide world, They still can't look at the secret channel because they are not in the club. So come join us there. Right about it. It's good fun. Early access, secret chat probably won't get Eden. Yeah, there you go.

You move up the list. Apart from Sheema. Sheem is holding the back end. Shima, if you want to help Shima, probably you should sub. So sub the Patreon. Excellent. All right. See you next week.

Yeah, we'll see you. Bye. Y'all come back now. You're here. I think that was fun. I think we got it. Yeah, it was good. Cool.

Tuning next time for another edge of your seat adventure in space with the Backwater Bastards. If you enjoy listening but also have eyes, check out our Instagram, where we post drawings, illustrations, character art from our adventures. Backwater underscore bastards. Check out our Instagram on Instagram. Not loving your AT&T or T Mobile Bill. Yeah, we've been hearing that a lot. Good news. Bring your AT&T or T mobile bill to Verizon and we'll give you a better deal.

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Now the survivors claw to what's left of a broken world, praying the darkness chooses someone else tonight. But in the shadow dark, the darkness always wins. This is old-school adventuring at its most cruel. Your torch ticks down in real time,

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