Critical Role & Sagas of Sundry - Introducing Rude Tales of Magic’s Brand New Campaign

Episode Date: March 3, 2025

  This episode was originally titled [New Campaign Premiere] All God's Creatures.    WELCOME TO NETHERMURK   So many strange things lie below, cut off from the surface, at home in the deepest, darkest caves. Who would dare tell their story? Surely not the brave and good-looking cast of Rude Tales of Magic. Unless-no! They wouldn't! Would they??? Goddamn. They just might be crazy enough to do it.   Subscribe and Rate Rude Tales of Magic on Apple Podcasts and Spotify and leave us a review!   Support the show: https://www.rudetalesofmagic.com/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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you'll love, Rude Tales of Magic. Rude Tales of Magic is one of my absolute favorite actual play podcast, so I'm very excited about this. In this improvised narrative role-playing podcast, come and join Branson Reese and as Jester's Retinue, Christopher Higgins. Hastings, Carly Minardo, Tim Platt, Joe Lepore, and Ali Fisher as a group of unlikely survivors, a talking crow, a litch in a wig, a bubbly fawn, a Sasquatch punk, and a teafling hunk, specifically, who must solve the mystery of Polaris University's vanishment and return balance in higher education to their world. It's going to be very hard and very, very rude. Whether you're a longtime lover of the series or a newbie to Cordelia, this tale is one you

definitely won't want to miss. Subscribe to Rude Tales of Magic on Spotify, Apple Podcast, Pocketcast, or wherever you listen to podcast. New episodes drop every Wednesday, and now on to the show. This is a Headgum podcast. The cemetery to hear more rude tales of magic? Lucky you. Your old pal, the grave freaker robbed, I mean, found this dusty cassette tape inside of a casket.

Random hole in the ground. Hmm. Nethermerk. Sounds freaky. Brits in the world have been cast down. You gotta be tough as bills to sow find monsters for neighbors, monsters for friends. The monsters have monsters. The caves never end. The depths go much deeper than you've ever seen.

A night when you're screaming means a night of sweet dream. Never mark. Starlightites, mac of lights. Never mark. Rob of dites, Stalach mice. Never mark. Eons ago, far from the teenaged woods.

Far from gods of vacation or gods of using the bathroom, gods of bread crusts, slime, or whatever. there was simply God, capital G, big white beard, O, D. God separated the light from the dark, the sky from the sea, and made up land and gravity to stick in between. But before he created all the plants and creatures to populate this new world, he crafted first an audience, man. God made humanity watch as he delighted in the unspooling of his unlimited imagination made real.

He birthed gigantic spiders, parasitic fungus. legions of screaming cockroaches, pointy-eared, elves, venomous eels who could drive cars but had never seen cars before, carnivorous shrubberies, birds with teeth instead of feathers, and more and more and more,

always looking to humanity and asking, what do you think? But never really listening to the answer. Finally, one day mankind decided it had enough of God in his monstrosities, And so humanity summoned all of its power to banish every last nasty creature it despised to the infinite darkness of the labyrinthian caves below the land, and exiled God along with them for good measure. Some of the more clever species tried to map their way as they journeyed downward,

hopeful to return to the surface someday after humans cooled off after a little bit. But nothing alive is more clever than a human. And once all the monsters were underground, the cave tunnels were sealed and scrambled so that no subterranean creature could ever find their way back. And that is why, even today, we do not stray very far upward from our homes deep below in Nethermerk. The caves above are always shifting, always moving, manipulated by the invisible hands of man, protecting the garden of the surface world. What you hear is the voice of Mrs. Irma Crudler, a sentient moss woman.

More moss than woman, more sentient than not. This shambling pile of leaves with kind of a mouth and eyeballs is being carried. Tim, could you describe who's carrying Mrs. Irma Crudler? You see Ulysses burden. A boy, 18, raised by bats. He's got white hair, he's 5'10, he's wearing blue gene overalls. And under those overall, there's a white t-shirt with his favorite band containment on it. The last thing you need to know about Ulysses burden is he has artificial wings.

Two billion sheets of organic moss, each fastened to a bracelet, ankle it and belt loop. So in flight, it looks like he's a flying squirrel. Otherwise, this falls to his side. Thank you, Tim. So you are carrying the moss. Yes. And you are flying through the tunnels gliding on heat currents and stuff, right? Yeah, yeah.

So the moss was made by Irma. You can mostly glide, but it does sort of contain, it can sense heat coming up from bodies or hot springs or stuff like that. And that helps them maintain his flight. So are you flying carrying me right now? Or are you just walking? I think I'm now like flying over some. He knows the hot spots with geysers and stuff. Sure, sure. And I'm just sort of like on your back then. Yeah. And it's sort of like an arch up, arch down. Arch up, art down. He can't really flap. Mrs. Crudler, could you tell us why he's carrying you? Yeah, my name's Erb McRudler.

I'm an old moss woman. And you're carrying me to a big cave. A big cave, a cave big enough for me where I can put all my stuff. You're helping me out. I can't really move around so much. I need a big, strong boy to help me get to that cave. Mrs. Cruller, I'm not a boy. I'm 18 years old now.

That's like practically man's shit. Of course you are. And I pinch your little cheeks. Euse. Oh, you got your little baby. Fat, you're a big strong man. Stop, Mrs. Crudler, please. You can call me Irma now that you're a man.

Really? Oh, I mean, I'm happy to do so, because we are peers now. Sure, we're peers. You know, Mrs. Crudler, do you remember? I started working for you when I was like, I don't know, 14. Do you remember that? I do. It was only four years ago. I'm no mathematician, but 18 minus 4 is 14. That's right, Mrs. Crudler. I did help you with the math I learned in school myself. I'm a humanities bitch.

No, it's actually true because I didn't remember I didn't like all the humanity stuff. It didn't make a lot of sense to me. You helped me understand reading. You helped me understand books. And you help me understand numbers and figures. Stop it. Sometimes, honestly, he's gliding over geysers popping up. Sometimes I wish you were my real mom because I feel like my parents get so protective.

They don't actually share knowledge with me. They just try to protect me from knowledge, you know? Oh, please. Don't say that. Oh, you make me feel old. If I was 400 years younger, I tell you, old boy. What? I was being flirty in the way that old people can be flirty to young people, and it's fine.

Sure, sure, sure. Thanks, Mrs. Crudler. So. These humans are so tricky. They're always moving the caves around. Not you, you're a good boy. But, you know, everyone else, these humans are always moving caves around, crushing my hoe. I hate that they're doing that to you.

It sucks. I swear, if I got up there one day, I would tell them just leave. everyone alone because we like things the way they are down here. Oh, the passion of youth. It's true. All the stuff you've told me, like, it really pisses me off. Because, like, I don't know if you really knew this, but, like, I really am a human. I wasn't just pretending that.

And, like, it makes me angry to think that there's people like me from somewhere else who, I don't know, are hurting the people I care about. Well, you got a good one. You're taking me to a cave. Don't you worry. What are you going to do in the... I mean, you got more space. You've always wanted more space, Mr. Crubble.

I'm going to do my little projects. Whoa, well, tell me, tell me. I'm going to do my little crosswords. I'm going to keep up on my stories. I'm going to spread out. So I actually talked to some of my friends, and we have found some moss that we can actually put in some pipes. And I was wondering if you had any access to some of that stuff in the cave,

or if we can smoke. Are you asking if you can smoke my body like a drug? Because you can. Teenagers do it all the time. It's how we die. See, I've seen teenagers do it. And so I didn't know if it was something you were allowed to. I didn't want to do it until I was officially 18, which I am now.

But now that I am officially 18, I feel like I can't smoke. So can I smoke your body? All right. I tell you bring me to a new cave. You can take a little bit of my body. You're going to spread out so much during the cave. You're going to be like three times as size you are now. It's not even a need that much.

You're not going to need that much mass. Okay. Okay. Somebody's getting upset. I'm not upset, Mrs. Crudler. It's just logical that you won't need that much body. All right, fine. I'll donate some of my body so you can get high.

Thank you, Mr. Crueller. I'll give you a toe so that certain songs will sound better to you. Honestly, oh, actually, dude, did you actually want to hear containment? Because containment is a good band that I've been telling you about. And I've been wondering if, like, I actually, so not a lot of adults like containment, but I feel like maybe you would. I'm really passionate about them. Oh, boy, what a pitch.

Yeah, I'm really excited to hear this band. Fine. Knowing my peers don't care for them. Fine, gee, I was just asking you all, you. You always ask, you always ask, well, I'm listening to, and I'm telling you. And I feel, I think more adults would like them if they just listen to up. No, no, no, sing a containment song for me. Okay.

You are immoral if you fail, fail. Pleasure. Don't feel pleasure. Don't feel pleasure. Don't feel containment. Why, they say their own name. They do. It's like, it's really cool because not a lot of bands do that these days, but they're sort of telling a story.

It's sort of an in-joke. They like telling a story. with their songs. Right. But it's like, containment is the band, but it's also like a fictional band. It's crazy.

Like gorillas. Yuley's song echoes through the caverns as they make their way to a cave big enough for all of Ermus Duff and her crosswords. Elsewhere in the Nethermark, a cobald approaches a chilly, windy, cavern that seems to go so far down below, that's it. It just goes to space.

Probably not, but it looks like it. And there's a rickety bridge that swings in the cool breeze over this cavern. Joe, could you tell us about this cobalt? You see a fuchsia, scaly cobald. He's about three feet tall. He's dressed in khaki pants with lots of pockets. He's wearing a khaki shirt. with lots of pockets.

Wow. And he's got a leather jacket on. You are looking at none other than Paris, Kansas. The most intrepid treasure hunter in the whole nethermark. It's little lemon, a small, beautiful woman in a cage. What? What the fuck is their situation? Put those headphones on, kingsters.

Oh, no. Don't step on me. In the cage. I'm afraid of how good it might be able to. And in public? Where my mom can see. The cage is for her protection. Looks like maybe it was a canary cage once.

There's some feathers on the floor. But let's look at her again. She's a glow pixie, beautiful. She's wearing a button-down shirt tied in the front. It's sort of a blush, pink, and then underneath it's blue. And then she also has khaki shorts on with a brown belt and hiking boots. Are you saying she glows when she wants to? Oh, that's exciting.

And that must be very useful for a cobald explorer down here in these dark, dark caves. Well, I have dark vision. Oh, God. But sometimes when we're exploring a ruin, yeah, you better believe it's useful. That's right. We're a team. I don't see a belt. Lemon, I don't know.

I don't know if I like the looks of this bridge, but he looks back. I don't think we have much choice. Paris, I hate it. It looks dicey, Lemon, but we got across this bridge if we're going to get to wing slip. I don't like it.

This bridge looks terrible, but I don't trust anyone other than you to carry me over it. I could release you. That way, if the bridge breaks, you'd be okay. No. Comfortable.

in here. This is my spot. You're right. I'm sick of having this conversation. Like we've always said, if we die, we die together. Can I get you two to roll me some perception checks? Ah,

Squeen? Yeah, queen. Damn, my first roll session. I got a 12. Mm-hmm. Allie. Shut up. I got a 12! Shut up! He did. I fucking saw it. Are you serious? 12 twins.

I don't trust Joe at all, but that was a 12. Hey, sorry. We worked together. Yeah, dude, it's hell. So you two have had this conversation and turned away from the bridge for a moment. A 12 for both of you will get you noticing the sound of two twin snaps of rope. And the bridge fall to the other side of the cavern. Okay, Chris, are we on the bridge?

No. Okay. You're about to cross. Oh. Chris doesn't like your character. Roll again. Can you imagine if we had that conversation on the bridge? We'd be dead.

But at least we'd be dead together. A slimy tentacle slaps up onto the ledge. And then another. And then another. And then another. And then another tentacle. A sixth tentacle. A seventh tentacle.

And an eighth tentacle. Pulling up an octoman. But not just any octoman. No. No. You can see. Chris, no, come on. Yeah.

Chris. Yeah, I'm sorry. I thought we left him behind weeks ago. No, he's coated in weird, gross-looking, flowering. Greetings, adventurers. Spring has sprung here in Los Angeles, and that means it's a brief period where it's only 75 degrees instead of 95 degrees.

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Paris, what are you talking about? I don't know. I'm driven mad with fury. Harris. Yeah. It's a fungal ganger. Oh, you're right. Oh, God. How did you find us? It was easy I followed your scent.

You stink like rotten eels. Which of us? Those of you. Oh. I thought I got that new deodority. Have you worn it? No. I'm so sorry, Paris.

It seems that you don't understand that I've made quite a joke at your expense. I can't smell you at all. You smell fine. You smell as most cobalts, you vet dog. It's not that stinky, and it only lasts about a half mile away. No, I was able to track you because I am simply a superior track. And I knew you would be coming this way. And so I came first to take out the bridge.

Hello, Lehmann. Hello again. How's lighting things up? Funny, you should mention. And she holds out her palm straight in front of her, with her palms sort of like up as if she's going to give the fungal ganger a high-five. and then like a dilating doorway, her palm opens and like shoots out of it right into his eye.

As she does that, Paris is going to take the opportunity to kick him where the balls would be. In his octoballs? Yeah, back into the chasm. Does he have 16? Yeah. Okay, cool.

16 balls! All right, so you're going to try to chun-Lee all these balls? Yeah. All right, I need you to roll an attack. That's going to be another 12. 12? Wow. I'm going to say you hit enough that your attack works. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I shouldn't have connected to this octon man's nervous system.

And as he groans, as he flies in slow motion over the cavern, you can take out fun of me, but you can't take out all of me. I'll find you again. He's right. We've got to keep moving. Run! But the bridge. Oh. Chris, how far is the chasm? How big a hole we looking at is what I'm trying to say?

50 yards. Oh shit. Oh, damn. Is there a large string? I have rope. That's what I'm talking about. That's what that is. Wrapped around his shoulder, Paris has a bundle of rope.

Let's say, I don't know, 50 yards worth. And he's going to find a nearby rock. Paris actually has proficiency in jury rigging. And so he's going to fashion a sort of grapple to swing across the chasm and give like a good rope swing. All right. Yeah, there are stalactites hanging from very high up. You didn't give a shot. He shoots it.

You must blow. Your Jerry Regan, that's, what's that skill is that tight, too? That's tight to my intelligence. Excellent. So I rolled a five, and with a plus four, that's a nine. Okay, yeah, your grapple strikes a stalactite and then falls back down. Fan, fan, fails. Mattis, we meet again.

You hear a voice way far behind you. Perry, aim for this. And she shoots light at a gemstone. It's like high up by one of the stalactites. And you can see there's like a whole sort of like ring that you can hit. Yeah, in fact, it's like kind of yellow letting me know I can interact with it. Yes. So you've lit up a gemstone that is studding the cave, basically.

Yeah, it lights up and like it's as though you charge it and the glow remains after you stop shooting speed light out. And it's basically an arrow pointing at an extremely convenient hook-shaped rock that you can hit. Lemon, you're right. That's recess just enough that if I hit it just right, it'll be the perfect point. Hurry, I can see that they've found a perfect spot to hit their grapple. I can see it too. Paris twirls his rope. He's swinging. He's swinging his improvised grapple, and then he lets it loose. All right. Roll again. That's a critical fail.

Very. Focus. Yeah, you do hit it. It's just you grapple the hook, rocked perfectly, but in your excitement, you let go of the rope, and it just swings out over the center of the chasm. I would say precisely 25 yards away from you. That's pretty far.

Bummer. So you've been hearing the fungal ganga talking in a course, forest behind you getting louder. And if you look back, you will see what looked like maybe a dozen glowing little mushrooms skittering across, like, look across the floor towards you. You can guess that they have infected a swarm of cockroaches. So they're not like super power of mushrooms where we eat them and then we can jump really far? I wouldn't advise it.

Should we try it? No. Oh, he always finds the worst things to make his. and Paris is going to put out his fist. Okay. And on his middle finger, there is an opal ring. Okay. He's going to say the magic words, burn, baby, burn.

And he casts firebolt. Oh, my God. Okay, what at? All the little cockroach is going to be. Okay, awesome. Yeah, roll on attack roll. But that is a 19. Oh, yeah.

You light up all the cockroaches, and they scream in fungalganger. Oh, no, that's the rig. He's stoned from the boat. Oh, no. That's why we're changing after him. Yes, I know. We're all the same guy. We know.

Oh, we're dying. Oh, no. Cays are silent again. But the flame has created a puff of hot air, a thermal, if you will. Yeah. And quickly, thinking quickly, Paris is going to take off his leather jacket. No. Get it, Paris.

Tie it around his waist. No. Too heavy. But then he's going to take off his khaki shirt. Revealing a pretty brawny cobal chest. Nice. And way more nipples than we were ready for it. Yeah, yeah.

Three. It's way more than I would prepare for. And he's going to fashion a cape. Okay. Again, he is proficient at jury rigging. Yeah. So he is going to try and use this hot air and the cape made out of his shirt to give him a little extra boost

to soar over to the rope. Okay. To make, you know, he's probably going to, fall, but he thinks he can fall far enough that he can catch the rope and then swing to safety. I'm worried. And you're carrying Lemon in her cage in your other hand? Or is she attached to your purse? I've got, I'm wearing a satchel.

And there is a little carabiner on the shoulder strap, and I can hook Lemon's cage to the carabiner. Okay. Great. Thank you very much. I'm going to need you to roll a. a legend of Zelda check. A breath of the wild check specifically.

That's going to be a seven. I'm rolling really good. Sorry. Boy, yeah, no, you jump over the cavern. Yeah, I'm doing it. Yeah, and you start falling at normal speed. It's working. It's working. It's...

Oh, no! Far from the cavern of recent doom in the Battingham caverns just on the edges of wingslip. A little bat boy named Linus practices his homework. Linus is a darling little creature. He has great big ears and tiny little, tiny little sparkling, squinting eyes. He's dressed in what kind of looks like a scout uniform with a scalloped collar and a little kerchief and little shorts all in different shades of like mossy foresty greens. He is sitting like

at top a constructed fence and he's looking out at his family's spider ranch and the giant spiders are just kind of like lazing around like sleepy cows on a hot day. They're like, you know, kind of picking it gravel and stuff on the ground. And Linus is, you know, is sitting, his little feet don't even touch the bottom of the rung of the fence that he's sitting on. And he is trying out some new echolocation skills that he learned in school that day. Ooh. So, yeah, you were in like a main, like, kind of just lounging area for the domesticated spiders that your family raises. And they're huge, these spiders.

Yeah. Are you scared of the spiders at all? No. No. I've been around these creatures since I was a baby. I've seen generations of them come and go. My parents tell me they get to go to other cool farms and check out what it's like there. I've even helped harvest some of their wool to make sweaters.

Ooh, spider wool. Yeah. It's surprisingly unpleasant to wear. Great. You'd never guess. So you're in kind of like a lounge area for these spiders. And then beyond that, there are tunnels that go up and down and diagonal. all sorts of directions that the spiders come in and out of.

And these are areas where they web up the caverns as a means of protecting the bat people and also a place for the bats to use the spider webs to catch other giant insects and other monsters that you all get to harvest and enjoy for meat. Yes. Okay. So you're practicing your echolocation. Yes. every generation of spiders, Linus picks his favorite one

and names it Gumball. And so he's like, So today, Gumball, we learned, I learned a different, like, if you kind of like bend the note, you know, like you're yodeling. You can actually echolocate around corners. And I'll show you. Shh, no, no, don't be scared.

Don't be scared. It's like music, listen. And then he, he's. He emits a very pleasant sound that echoes gently through the chamber of the cavern. All right. Can you roll me an echo check? Yeah. Nat 20.

Nat 20. Oh, my God. What are you not, Joe? Hey! I'm 12 over here. Linus, it is as though the cavern around you lights up in a four-dimensional, chorus of sound and light as one. This is how well-trained you are in echo location.

There is no difference between sound and light to you. Imagery, music, it's all the same right now in this beautiful moment as every single tiny detail from around every one of these caverns comes back to you. You can see the ridges of the caves lit up in colors that don't exist and songs that have never been written. And you can see every individual hair on every spider that's climbing around. and there. You even notice that there's actually something that's not quite usual about one of the spiders that's around one of the corners. And it seems as though it hears you ping it, and then it

skitters off to hide. It's as though some of the shapes weren't as like soft in their furry parts or squishy in the eyeball parts. It is as though there was some sort of hidden hard edges on the body of this spider somewhere, but it is already receding beyond your sight as your echo dims. Mine is gulps. Oh, um, uh, gumbull, do you know that spider? Um, I should tell a grown up. I should tell a grown up. Tell a grown up what, little boy? Ah!

Behind you, you see an elderly bat in a weathered cowboy hat. that kind of hobbling up towards you, not even making an attempt to fly whatsoever. His ears are holy and like thick and calcified. Oh, thank goodness. Linus is going to flit off of the fence and glide towards this elder. That looked like you are making a pretty good sound there, fella.

Oh, thank you. I, yeah, I'm, you know, I'm not supposed to brag, but I am top of my class. Oh, what's your name? My name is Linus Burden. Oh, I'm Vermon Boone. Oh, wow. I'm afraid I don't echo so good myself these days.

I had one of the spiders from my own farm come this way, but I can't seem to find it. Oh, thank goodness. I was really worried because I didn't recognize the corners on that particular spider when I echoed at it. Corners, you say? Yeah, it's like, you know, my... My spiders are smooth and round. So am I.

The spiders. Oh, well, because when I echoed, this particular spider was like full of elbows or something. Oh, my, that sounds so fearsome. Yeah, I kind of thought that you were maybe here to fix it. I don't know nothing about that. I'm rather lost myself. I don't see so good or hear so good. All right, Mr.

Well, we'd better go find my parents. because I'm not authorized to really, like, make decisions, you know, about which spiders get to go to different farms. That's something my parents do, and they say that the other farms are cool. Oh, okay. Well, then, if you don't mind before you head yourself back, maybe you could take me back my way to my farm. I know it's this away.

And he gestures into a tunnel that you've only been down like a mile before. You haven't really gone that far away from town before. for. We kind of zoom into Linus's large, furry head, and we see what looks like a chalkboard, and we see in very juvenile handwriting, like an equation, like adults equals, trust, equals authority. and then like a division line and then far from home plus stranger equals X

and then just like chalk scratching it all out with frustration as we hear let it go who's he is my big brother and he's so cool oh a big brother bat you say I think I saw one of those back this away and he starts to hobble down that cave that you haven't gone that far away from town before?

Oh, I can't see, I can't see anything up here. Maybe a good strong echo boy could help show me how to find his big brother that I'm pretty sure I saw this way. Chris, does Vermon Boone's cavern, like the path that he's, he's trying to leave me down, does it come anywhere near my parents' house, like the farmhouse? It goes in precisely the opposite direction. Oh, God. That's tough.

Okay. Linus is going to just kind of straighten out his kerchief. And he's going to say, all right, well, okay. Well, to be honest, sir, you're a stranger. But I also know that you're old. And I don't want you to get hurt out there. So I'm going to follow you. Okay, but then I have to be home in time for dinner.

Of course, I wouldn't dream of having a young, nice, bad boy miss his dinner. Have your spiders caught something nice for you and your family to eat? And he's just hobbling on down that tunnel. Linus kind of puffs up his chest. He's a brave boy. He is, though, going to reach into his pocket and start, like, breaking apart little pieces of peanut shells. Okay. That he's sort of leaving a trail.

Okay. Linus starts laying out a trail of peanut shells behind him to mark the way back. And he flits to catch up. with vermin and then he kind of takes the elder bat under the wing and says like all right you just tell me which way and i'll i'll help you no need to get that close little fella and he winces from under your arm can you roll a perception check for me yeah 11 okay yeah he seems nervous you don't have to be scared mr boon i'm gonna take good care of you thank you i'm just so frightened in these dark tunnels where i can't hear or see nothing You have to help me. And Linus lets out another pleasant chirp of echolocation that bounces off the caves. The human boy, nay man, Yuley and sentient moss woman, Mrs. Irma Crudler,

have found a very pleasant cave, far up enough a wall that it's safe from the various predators that roam the cavern floors. Cavern ceilings, good luck. but Irma, you've gotten settled and it seems like it's almost time for Yuley to return home for dinner. Okay, thanks for everything, Yulee. You're a good man. Thank you, Irma.

It's just so weird calling you that. You don't have to. Okay, yeah, I'm gonna do Mrs. Crudder for a little while because that feels a little more normal. Please, please, Ms. Crudler. My husband is long dead. Oh, I'm so sorry. I feel like I get locked in.

Smoked to death by you. teens. But please take a little of my toe. Mrs. Crudler, if you don't want me to smoke you, I won't. Not Miss. Miss. See, this is all, old people have different words. I've learned that

old people have different words with different things. And us kids, I mean, adults, I mean, I don't even know. I think it's more that the youth are ignorant to this terminology. Okay, fine. If anything, you've humbled me. I didn't mean to. A big, strong man like you doing help for an old woman like

me, I appreciate you. Here, have a little toe! Okay, I'll take some. And honestly, it's not a big deal. I do anything for you, Irma. You're cool. You actually listen and you talk and you share stories about stuff about this world I didn't even know about.

Sometimes I feel like you're the only one who respects me down here. Oh, it's so nice to be appreciated my old age. Yeah. I do have one question. Shoot! Um, so, I mean, none of the bats can really see me that well. Um, and so no one said anything, but, you know, I've, like, gone to some of the waters that are a little close to some of the bioluminescent fungi. And so I can, like, see my reflection sometimes.

Okay. So, like, I've noticed that, like, not all the time, but sometimes my, like, skin, I can, like, see through it. Oh, you can see your blood. No, yeah, but not all the time. Just, like, sometimes. And I've tried to do, like, experiments to see, like, is it, am I mad when it happens? I can't tell or my sad. I don't know if it connects with my emotional life

or things I've been eating. Oh, you poor, poor boy. I mean, man. You poor, poor man. You don't condescend to me. You can call me a boy if you think I'm a boy. When you definitely know I'm a man, that's when you call me a man. When you're helping me, you're a man.

When you're coming to me with silly questions, you're a boy. Okay, fine. You're translucent. I think it's just because you're a poison. A human being. So then I'm going to just get more and more translucent? I don't know. I've never seen a person before, but I think those people, those humans, they're always moving the caves around. How could they do it if they're not invisible?

Maybe you're just becoming invisible like people do. I'm going to become... I don't know what you're going to do. I've never met a human being before. Already people can barely see me. And you're telling me that no one's going to be able to see me at all? Well, they can hear you. It's not the same. They hear every... Bats hear everything, but if, like, being seen is kind of... like something I value. Because I don't feel like I'm the only people who

don't even receive anything. And if then I can't even, then I won't even be able to see me at all. Oh, you poor thing. I have no further word of comfort for you. I'm sorry. Thanks for letting me know anything. I just think it's what's happening. Everybody's body changes.

Is your body change? Besides getting bigger and smokeable? Yeah, it gets bigger and smokeable. You think I was always bigger and smokeable? No. I used to be a single spore floating in the breeze. You were. a spore? Oh, yes, I was a spore. No way. I know. I'm so old. You can't even imagine. Yeah, because you're so big and old. That was an opportunity for you to say, no. You look old. Okay.

Okay. I mean, I'm not going to lie to you. Oh, well, you could. You could. Actually, welcome to being an adult. You can lie to people and make them feel better, whatever you want. That's not my way. Yeah. You know, I'm the editor of the school paper, the weekly humiliation. Oh, I guess that's true. If you were to lie, the whole school paper would fall apart. Exactly. That's something I've always considered. Here I am talking to an honest man. Yeah, but maybe talking to me

as being the only thing anyone's ever going to be able to do. I'm kind of able to be turning invisible or some bullshit. I mean bull, um, scats. I mean, uh, spider poop. I mean, oh, brother. She shakes her head. Boys will be men. Yule, as you catch the heat waves and the currents carry you back through the cave systems,

back towards wingslip, you replay this embarrassing discussion in your head over and over and over again. I should have said, I should have said, I don't give a fuck what I said. No one gives a fuck. No one gives a shit. I should have said, I don't give a shit. What anyone thinks says, I actually think, I think. Anyone can say anything. I actually think there's too many limits

in the things that people would say. That yeah, that's what I should say. I should say that as long as we're telling the truth, there should not be any limits. The only thing, people talk about, like, good language or bad language or, like, things are appropriate, not appropriate. There's no such thing as appropriate or inappropriate. It's just true and untrue.

You don't even realize that you've landed and you are pacing through the caves, having this conversation with yourself, until you catch a glance of your reflection in a small, shallow pool, ranting on, mimicking you perfectly. Do I look in my classic very pale sort of a naked mole rat skin, or do I look slightly translucent? You look a pale man, but as you look, are you looking closer?

You're concerned about this? Yeah. Okay. As you get closer to the little puddle, you can see veins of blue veins of blood. It's starting to appear in your face, and then you can start to see muscle. and bones.

I don't know. It's starting. It shifts back. It's changing. It's not, it won't sit still. Okay. Okay. Come on. I can't, I just, they, I'm not going to care. But I'll care. Oh, it's starting to solidify again. Okay. Can you roll a perception check on me?

That's a nine. Okay, yeah. No, it, gosh, you're looking better than ever in this reflection. You actually can kind of see for the, first time. It's so well lit in here that you're developing a man's cheek bones and a man's twinkle of an eye. A man's twink. He looks like, pushes his hair back to sort of pick up his bang so you can sort of see what it looks like when his hair is less floppy and more pulled back. He sort of turned to the side to check out his profile. He sort of arched his head up to make sure his cheeks, which aren't naturally that sharp, but look as sharp as possible. He takes his

fingers and pulls back the skin on his face to see what he would look like if he had really sharp cheekbones. Wow. And sort of, uh, he bends his, uh, his shoulder to the side to see if, like, his muscle can be seen. So it's like, his hair is back and he's, kind of ends up flexing while pulling his skin back, uh, in front of the reflection. Can you rule a charisma check?

17. You love it. Oh my gosh. This is really exciting. And I'll tell you what else. The audience likes it, too. See, people are going to want to see this. The audience has a, uh, uh, wisdom score of 15.

Yeah. So if you beat that, you've charmed them. Unfortunately, you are so enamored with your appearance. You haven't noticed the fact that the puddle that's about, I'm going to say, three to five feet in diameter, is actually kind of rising up from the ground, coming closer and closer to your face. And you don't notice it until the puddle splits. And you reveal it's not water at all, but it's sort of a shiny gelatinous substance

that hide in the mouth of pointy fangs. And it takes a bite at you. I'm gonna see if it... Oh, shit. Whoa, whoa! It misses. You are able to jump back. And then the thing keeps coming out of this hole in the ground.

And you can see that this slimy, mirrored face is the tip of a long, many-legged creature. It is the trapdoor face of a burrowing narcissopede. Whoa. Oh, ew, God, you look gross. And I look hot. It snaps at you again. You're not moving fast enough, Tim.

Oh, it missed even worse that time. Oh, you better move. It's skittering ass. So I'm hopping back. I'm hopping back until I'm able to hop and turn and then run. Run step after step after step until I lift up when I find a breeze and open my arms, exposing this moss flaps, these art. artificial wings that then swoop me up into the sky.

Incredible. The Narcissipede climbs the wall coming right after you, matching vertically your speed. I grab a stalactite and then spin around it so the stalactate is between me and the Narcissipede. I take out my Cubs Cowl Pocket knife and I brandish it. Prepared to strike at the Narcissipede as soon as it comes to the stalactite. Okay. I'm rolling bad too. Yeah. You can see that it knows you're hiding.

you're hiding behind the stalactite and it's trying to maneuver around you, but you are able to see as it does so. It doesn't seem to realize how well-lived the cavern is. And you can see it trying to creep around you between two other stalactites. It's not within melee range, but you could throw your knife if you wanted to, or you could jump at it if you wanted to. Ulysses cannot echo locate, but he can make fucking sounds. He does a false echo in the opposite direction to see if it bounces off a wall to create at least a sound that might distract it. Mississippi, like, snaps its mirrored head over in the direction and skitters off towards where your sound hit and bounced off the wall. As it turned, before it scares away, I spin around

and stab it in the back of the head. It's okay. It's okay. It thrashes and rise around, and it has so many legs. It grabs onto you and onto the stalactite you're on thrashing and grappling with you. No? He's put down spiders before. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. There we go. The dead weight relaxes. The way it's wrapped around you, it only tightens more around you between you and the stalactite.

And the stalactite starts to crumble. I try to leap off and just hope that by jumping I can get enough distance to fly away. All this does is put a final crack in that stalactite. You, the Narcicepia. and the giant rock crashed through the opening in the cavern floor that the Narcissopede made, weakened rock already. You fall into the next cavern below. Frick, I mean fuck, I mean, oh, brother. Linus, you've never been this far away from home.

These cave walls are familiar in that they're repeating shapes that you know from any cave hall you've seen. They're so unfamiliar in that you haven't mapped them a thousand times. before with your voice, like you're mapping them right now, standing side by side by an elderly bat, who you're quite sure was moving a lot slower a few minutes of the audience right now. Um, uh, it seems like maybe you recognize where we're going. No, I just feel so confident with you by my side. I know we're going to find my lost spider and get home so soon. Keep up, young man, keep up. What's that over there? There, shout at it for me.

Linus does. Linus, with artful accuracy, directs an echolocation in the direction. Great, yeah. There are caverns split off into five different directions, up, down, left, right, slightly more down.

All right, so there's a few options. Oh, yeah, here it is. We'll just go down a bit this way. This is where my farm is. I suppose I've just lost that spider, though. Maybe I'll catch up with it when it's time for all of them to lay their eggs. That's coming up soon, isn't it? Oh, yeah.

My dad says I could come with him this year and see it. Oh, that's wonderful. We'll all have to go together. Say, now, do you remember exactly where that place is, where they take the secret location, where we all take the spiders to lay their eggs? so that none of the other nasty creatures of Mermer can find those tiny little, little,

little, little, little, naked angels. And he's moving faster and faster going down this tunnel. Keep up now, keep up, young man. I can't see so good. I need you help. So Linus, Linus is uncomfortable. Like, he's not prone to questioning adults. Every adult in his life is someone who has earned his trust. But Vermin-Boon is freaking him out.

He's really uncomfortable with how far from home he is. He's never seen this many cave split off in so many different directions, and he's out of peanut shells. And I would like to see what happens if he hangs back for a moment and doesn't follow Berman right away. His knees just turn gelatinous, and he can't make his legs move forward anymore. He's panicked.

You hear Verman stop, the exact same moment that you do. And he starts walking back towards you. Oh, that's all right. You don't need to be worried. Now that you've lit the place up with your sound, I know which way we're going. I'll be home very soon.

And then I can send you on back to go see your parents. I'm so sorry. I forgot. I have to set the table before anyone else can eat. So I really have to get back now. Mr. Boone, I think you should know. You should be able to find it now. It's down there.

Okay. Goodbye. I roll in 18. Brutal. Vermon grabs a hold of your wrist very sharply and pulls you forward. Listen to your elders, young man. Linus, not even thinking he's going to streak in Vermon's face. He has never attempted to use his voice to, like, impose physical force on anyone before,

but he is doing it the way you would, like, throw your hands out to push. someone away from you. All right. Roll for echo, please. What did we say my echo's doubt was? Wisdom? Yes. Ten.

Okay. This is a new thing. He's never done it before. I really wish you could have just, like, blown this guy through a wall. But unfortunately, for a 10, you do see, like, the rippling vibrations, like, go through the air and smack into his face. and send it around a post almost. Like it spins around. And you can see that it's not a bat head at all.

It's a bat mask. There's something underneath there. Linus's eyes puff up. They get super, super red and wet with tears. And he says, Mom! He's going to try to wriggle away and fly in the other direction. Yeah. Roll and attack, please.

Attack? Attack? Oh, God. Three. Whatever is in this bat skin keeps a firm grip on you as you hear the muffled voice inside of that bad head. Why'd you do that for? And then a new voice emerges from it that says, Listen here, you little piece of shit.

You've got to come on with me. You're going to tell me where do spiders laid eggs. And then I'm going to eat you up. And I'm going to make it really slow and crunchy for you. Unless you tell me right now, where's spider's lay of eggs. You recognize this accent. This is not the accent of any... Italian!

This is the voice of one of the elfesculey, the dark elves of Nethermerk. The dark elf inside of the bat suit with its other hand, grabs the head and pulls it off. Oh, you little brat, you make him a face spit around like a daffodook beak. It's a... Pointy-eared elf. Disgusting.

Linus has never, the only creature that isn't a spider or another bat that he's ever encountered is Yuley. Yeah. His dear big brother. This looks like a relative of Yulies, but with awful, long, delicate features and even worse, long, delicate ears. I'm going to eat you up with my terrible teeth. I'm going to use your tiny bones to pick your flesh out of the middle of the space. on my teeth so it don't smell a bad later. Linus is now that he is quite sure,

this is not an adult he needs to respect. He remembers that he learned something in school today from one of his bat classmates that's maybe not the kind of bat. His parents would love to know he's hanging out with, but the way a kid might teach another kid like a bad word, this bat has taught Linus how to use his echo to hurt someone.

Okay. And he's going to try it. Yes, please do. Ah, that was much better. 18. Well, that hits. Yeah, so you're doing the same, like, thing that you tried to do that basically spun his head around.

Yeah, this sounds harsh, almost like a foghorn or, you know, it's like, it feels like a warning to people who hear it. Well, that hits. Ah! You make a terrible sound of my ear. You heard of my eardrum. I feel like I'm a teenage son listening to the rock and roll music. I hate you so much for doing that.

Linus is going to try to use this opportunity to flit in the other direction. I would love for you to be able to do that. But unfortunately, this Elfoscuro gets a chance to make a attack. Okay. I'm going to try to grab you. I'm going to try to eat you up. I'm going to open my mouth. I'm going to try to take a bite of your foot.

Yeah, roll an attack. I'm going to eat you, you foot. Yeah, I make an attack roll right here using Joe Doc. I didn't bring any. Now, that's going to be a three. awful gnashing elf teeth. Try to clamp down on your little bat feet.

But miss. Okay, well, he's going to get out of there then. Linus is going to flit all the way in the opposite direction back towards home. Okay. I need a gravel check. A 16. 15.

Oh, you're falling. You're falling. You're falling. You can't catch wind. Your moss suit cracks against a Judding dagger of rock, ripping a tear through it, and you keep falling and falling, and then a cavern opens up below you. It's so dark, and it's so cold and windy. You pass by a single yellow lit gem that's pointing at a hook that has a rope attached to it.

I grabbed the rope, or I attempt to. Please do. I need a dice roll, please. Or a die roll, singular. Gladly. I got a 14. Do I add? Can I add anything to that? You're having, you're like falling out of control. I think I need a deck save. 16. Your palms dig into the rope. You grip successfully. Your shoulders almost yank out of their sockets and you swing silently over the dark casket. I wish I actually had wings. He starts one hand from the other

climbing up the rope to try to get back to where he fell from. Paris. Lemon. Okay. And then the, You zoom right into the cage and it's sort of like in I Dream of Jeannie where it's a totally different set. And she's like falling over, but you can tell. It's like Star Trek how everyone's jumping. And it's well decorated. It's like put together. Yeah, there's like big gems, but you can tell their pillows.

They're like really soft so they're not hurting her. And then you zoom back out. You've been screaming for minutes as you've lied comfortably in the soft but sticky embrace of a giant spider's web. that is stretched across the chasm. Lemon, I don't know. We might never get to open that museum together. No, say it ain't so. We gotta do it, buddy.

Of course, I have just enough movement in my fingers I could release you from your cage. Stop it! You're right, I'm sorry. I just... I'm so sick of this conversation. I'm with you to the end. I know, it's like we always say.

Die. We die together. Chris, Paris. His arms are stuck in that awful way. His legs are... That web saved your life. Sure, but it's also portending his doom. Maybe.

Go on. It feels like I'm lunch. Yeah, oh, yeah. Paris is definitely thinking he might be lunch. Yeah. He says to Lemon, I could be lunch. We could be lunch. Don't say it.

But, though his arms be webbed, though his legs be webbed, he fell down. into that web, which means he's face down into it. So his tail be free. I'm sorry. He has a tail. Of course.

He's a cobald. Yeah, I don't know what a cobald is. He's like a little dinosaur man. He's like a three-foot little lizardy guy. Thanks. Cobalds are like the most pathetic version of a dragon that exists. But they're also kind of humanoid. They're also, they kind of look like mangy dogs a little bit, but lizards.

Oh, okay. Pathetic is an interesting choice. Oh my God, I would never play a cobalt. Go on, John. The tail is free. So the tail is going to reach into the pocket of Paris's leather jacket and draw a dagger. Ooh. Excellent.

Okay. And using his tail with great effort, you know, it's not a totally prehensal tale. It takes a lot of concentration for him to do this. But Paris is going to try and cut himself out of the web. Okay. You can do it, Paris. Just think of the gift shop. Think it'll be three floors tall.

So many T-shirts. T-shirts. Way more expensive than they should be. Absolutely. And paperweights. And like jewelry that has nothing to do with the art? Yes, yes. Paris, I have to assume you're not trying to just cut a clean hole out for you to fall further down into this bottomless pit.

I'm trying to cut in such a way that like one of my hands will remain. Yeah. And then I can web, I can sort of web swing. Well, now that I know the difficulty number to aim for for that, I'd like for you to roll. Okay. It shouldn't be a problem. Been rolling great all night. That sounds like a Jerry Rig roll.

Why not? Oh, baby. That is a 22, my man. Oh, my gosh. Your tail cuts through this spider's web as though it were made of a normal spider web. Not like crazy big monster spider web. So it's very easy. Yeah, you accomplish this no problem.

It is artful. It is dexterous. It's gorgeous. You swing to the side of the cavern holding on to one hunk of spire. spider web that you've kept a hold of. If you wanted to, I bet you could figure out a way to climb up, back up to the top now. Or further down. That was crazy. Whoa. That was crazy. Who's there? Oh, sorry, I'm Ulysses. Do you know the fungo ganger? Ew, yeah. You're not working for him? No, God. I work for the weekly humiliation. It's the school

paper. Oh, it's a kid. I'm not a kid. I'm 18. Oh Hello There's someone else down there too Yeah I'm tiny We're all different in our own way Ever the optimist

Moral of the story Do you all need help I got some rope That's actually my rope friend This is your rope You saved me Wow I guess even though we're different We find ways to help each other

And we jump forward To all three of you standing on the other side of the chasm. Lemon, that was such a good idea. Using the stickiness from the webs, I was able to crawl the walls, kind of like a spider. Lemon disengages her tiny handshake

from Uly's human hand. Thank you. And it's a pleasure to meet you. You as well. Using the webs that Paris had just brought up, Yule is using that as a thread to sew back together the broken moss wings. Thanks for this.

I use webs all the time at home. My parents own the spider farm. Wow, I've never seen a bat quite like you before. I'm not a bat. I'm a human. My parents are a what? A what? A what man?

A who, human? A human. My parents are bats. My brothers are bad and I live with rats. Wait, you mean like a surface man. You can't mean that. Come on, Paris. That's crazy.

No, I think I've heard, I've heard stories. I've heard tales. And even in some of the ruins we've explored, I've seen inscriptions and ruins. about the surface men. They were always described as smooth. I'm not like those guys. Whoever you've heard of, that's not me. I'm something else.

I'm not like them. They do awful stuff, and I try to help people down here. Yeah, you're right. It doesn't make any sense. The humans are always sealing off and moving the caves that access the surface. How would one ever get down here? Well, look. That doesn't make any sense.

I don't know. I don't know how I got here, okay? But I sort of stopped carrying by that a while ago. I'm here, and I love it. And I love my family, I love my friends, and I don't care about what humans do, less when they fuck with my friends. Paris, can we... Yeah. Yeah.

You read my mind, Lemon. Always! Paris turns away from Yulele, just a second, buddy. And Paris picks up the cage and holds it really close to his face, so he can speak into it. And then he'll move it close to his ear, so Lemon can whisper into his ear. You know what they say about the surface, right? It's just glittered, littered with precious gems and artifacts. Just lying about all over the ground, just waiting to be preserved deep in the earth.

Can you imagine the treasure? We could build up such a stash. It'd be a museum just from the surface. A whole surface museum. Paris and Lemon Surface Museum. Ow, keep it down. Oh. I think we should stick close to this kid and see if he,

maybe knows a way back up there. I think that's really smart. I think we could get a lot of information from him, if not a way out. He turns back. I'm with your conference? We're colleagues. We have a lot of conferences.

You wouldn't know this. You've just become a man, I understand. Yeah, I just have. I'm 18 now. I'm, you know, I'm kind of an older guy. I'm seven. And I'm young, and I'm 100. This is normal to me.

I live down here. Just another day in the cage. We have you guys are trying to go. If it's past wing slip, then you can go my direction. That's where I'm going. Buddy, we're not going past wingslip. We're going to wingslip. That's literally where we're going.

That's crazy. What the fuck? What the fuck? That's crazy. Was that your first time? Hey, don't worry about it. When you're around adults, sometimes we curse. Cursing's different for kids.

I'm trying to make it sound more natural. You're going to get there. What are you doing in a wing slip? We're meeting an old friend, tobacco leery. Oh, you mean tobacco? Oh, that's crazy. I smoke with them sometimes. Tobacco smokes?

Yeah. Linus, this awful elf is dragging you further and further through the caves. He has managed to successfully bind your wings and is pushing you forward, always demanding that you keep echo locating so that he can see. That's right. Make it a click click with your mouth. Oh, that's a bad for you because if you lose your voice, I eat you up. All right, I was trying to lie to you.

I know what you were doing. I remember being a child. Imagine me as a child hitting a little wooden hoop with a stick. Linus, you two round a corner and you are faced with something that you have only read about in school. You have never seen in person because this is the farthest you've been from home. Up ahead, your limited sight stops at a... circle of beyond darkness, of perfect neon black, impenetrable, total darkness that you just cannot see through. When you echo located through this tunnel, it seemed as though it just was a normal

tunnel, but now in front of you, you can just see nothing. There you go. Make it a little noise so I can see through the neon black. I got it the dark vision. I could see in the night time. I could see in the dark and it caves, but I can't see through the neon black. You make it a click-click so I can see through it. What do you want with the spiders? What do you care what I want with the spiders? You just make it a click-click or I eat you up. No, they're my friends.

I grind at you. We're not friends. You're not my friends. Oh, you said there you friend. Okay, I was like, kid, I feel bad for you if you think I'm friends. Well, you should feel bad for me because you're being really awful. No, I don't feel bad enough to stop what I do it, but I just was a level of pity that was inescapable. Crosby. No, we're not friends.

Make it a click-click, or I grind there you bones to make up my bread. Oh, okay. Um, and Linus, Linus feels he has no choice, and he, you know, he bends the echo around the curves of the chamber as he is directed. And even in this terrifying moment, you can only appreciate the beauty of the neon black vanishing, as this chorus of sound comes back to you, not just in front of you, revealing this cave system that goes deeper and deeper, far than you've ever gone,

but also rushes past your ears, bouncing back a little bit more muddied again. It's a fully 360 experience, and you realize that there is a giant spider that has been tracking you and is hiding just around another corner behind the boat of you. Is it one that I recognize? It's the one with the weirdly sharp,

corners around some of its edges. Well, that's not much of a comfort. Linus is going to try to communicate directly with the spider. How are you going to do that? I think there's like a specific kind of clicking that he does to talk to spiders. Okay. He's going to kind of out of the corner of his mouth release a spider-specific echo. Can you roll a deception check for me?

Four. All right. So the dark elf pretending to be verily. Herman Boone, you can tell this kid is trying to talk to a spider, but you didn't see any spiders anywhere. What's the wrong with you, you little boy? Just making a noise. That's so I can sit through the neon black. You're trying to talk to the spiders. You think it is my first rodeo? You think I don't know the click-s-click, click-s sounded? You used to talk to spiders? Spiders can't even talk back. And why do you even try, eh? Everybody know. Spiders don't talk. Never have, never will. I never will.

At no part in the future will any spider ever talk to you? And if it does, something's a very wrong. You think I'm stupid? I'm not stupid. I didn't say you were. No, but you action show that I am. Do it one more time. This is your last chance to make the click-click.

You think you're the only little boy I can abduct and make the old girl and make the click-click so I can see through the neon black? As you try to point to Linus, you're thrusting your finger back and forward like you're casting for fish in a street. I think it's safe to say this guy talks with his hand. I think that's very safe to say, but not anymore, because on that last gesture, your hand gets thwacked against the cave wall

by just a gob of webbing. Ah, my hand! I heard my hand, so it's not that bad. I actually hurt my hand against the studio wall as I do the gesture. Oh no, my hand is stucking into cave wall. How could this be? What's the wrong?

with you, your little demon child. I didn't do it. Then who could have done this? A giant spider scuttles down the ceiling of the cavern, corks growing through around. Inconceivable. Yeah, I know. To face you head on, revealing that this spider has fangs,

unlike every other cattle spider that exists down here. The spider is a god of fangs. Oh no, just like of the legends. It bites you. I'm being beaten by the spider I feel terrible Oh well it's just one bite It's not enough to kill him man

It bites you again Oh no bites Oh boy It's gonna take a whole lot more than that To kill me Unfortunately it doesn't need to bite you anymore It's injected plenty of venom That is already liquefying your inner

Oh that's oh well that'll do it And I begin to die And my innards turn to liquid And I look at Linus And with my dying breath I say By the way My name was Condolees Oh, pinch a penny.

What? Paris. Lemon. Yule. Yeah. That's how we found the crown of the dog prince. It had opals in it. Several opals.

Whoa. You are both, like, actual real explorers. You go out and, like, take the... It's the gonna take a... That's the gonna do it. You hear the... Inmistakable sounds of an Elf Oskuro echoing through the chambers.

They are not allowed in this part of town. You know that, but there's another sound later. Linus! Not our problem. Um, Yuley doesn't even try to explain it to his new friends. He starts running as fast as he can towards Linus. Paris chase him. That's our museum.

I know, we gotta chase that hue man. Paris gives chase. And in her cage. Lemon is swinging her arms back and forth like she's also running, but she's just standing there. It's a Nordic track. She's missing. Linus, I'm coming. Yuli, you don't have to sprint long or around too many corners

before you see Linus wings bound standing before the the melting inside-out corpse of an Elfoscaro webbed to the wall and a giant spider standing over his corpse. It's hard to tell because his eyes are so tiny, but you can see they are clenched shut and he is turned away from this horrifying sight. Linus, walk towards the sound of my voice. Oh, oh.

It's okay, just walk, it's just okay. Just breathe, breathe, just walk towards me. Oh my God. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, come on, Linus, just one step at a time. Very, you know, very wobbly, very shaken Linus, who by the way only has one shoe because Condoleezzo ate one of them trying to bite his foot is hobbling. You see the shoe also like falling out of the gore?

out of the gore. He was just like stuffed with spaghetti and there's like a shoe also comes out of there. He walks towards Yuli. Yuli grabs Linus, picks him up and puts him behind him, protecting him from the spider. To both of you, close your eyes. What?

Listen to me. I'm closing him. Okay. Who is that? Lemon. Yeah. Lestract the spider. Before you can do anything.

Oh no. The spider steps forward and says, please, please. There's no need for a child to fear in my presence. The spider saved you? Yeah. That's not one of our spiders. That one's got fangs.

That's right. I'm from the surface. And my name is Apollo Virtue. Ali Fisher is Lemon. Harley Minardo is Linus Burden. Joe Leport is Paris, Kansas. Tim Platt as Ulysses, Burden and Branson Reese and Christopher Hastings as everything and everyone else.

Root Tales of Magic is produced by bucket of milk, edited by Sam Grant, and sound designed and scored by Joe Lafour, with additional sound design from Michael Delphick. As always, special thanks to Tyler Button and Sydney and Benjamin. That was a hate gum podcast. Relax and let Ralph's delivery handle your grocery shopping this week. We start with only the freshest items, then review your list and carefully choose each one. Then we pack it all up and deliver it in as little as 30 minutes, so you can feel confident it's what you ordered. Fresh groceries, your way, with Ralph's delivery and pickup.

Get free delivery during online deal days, plus $30 off your first online order. Ralph's, fresh for everyone. The war is over and both sides lost. Kingdoms were reduced to cinders, an army scattered like bones in the dust. Now the survivors claw to what's left of a broken world, praying the darkness chooses someone else tonight. But in the shadow dark, the darkness always wins. This is old school adventuring at its most cruel. Your torch ticks down in real time.

and when that flame dies, something else rises to finish the job. This is a brutal rules-light nightmare with a story that emerges organically based on the decisions that the characters make. This is what it felt like to play RPGs in the 80s, and man, it is so good to be back. Join the Glass Cannon podcast as we plunge into the Shadow Dark every Thursday night at 8 p.m. Eastern on YouTube.com slash the Glass Cannon with the podcast version dropping the next day. See what everybody's talking about and join us in the dark. Look, we all know there are a lot of celebrity interview podcasts out there, but there's only one Happy, Sad, Confused. I'm Josh Harrow-Wittson.

Yeah, I'm the host of the show, so I'm a little biased, but truly Happy, Say, Confused is the place for nerdy and intimate conversations with all your favorite actors and filmmakers. From Andrew Garfield and Scarlett Johansson to Christopher Nolan and Quentin Tarantino. For over 10 years and over 700 episodes, Happy, Sad, Confused, has a broken movie and TV news every single week. That's because I ask all the questions I want to know, and more importantly, you want to know. Casting what-ifs, backstage stories, acting pet peeves, and much more.

So whether you're into superheroes, prestige TV, or just the coolest actors and directors alive, you're going to learn something in every episode. Listen to Happy Say I Confused on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.