Critical Role - Crash Pandas

Episode Date: March 8, 2019

Thanks to generous Critter donations to the Pablove Foundation, game master Sam Riegel takes his friends on the ride of their lives in Grant Showitt's Crash Pandas! Join (most of) the Critical Role gang with special guest Blair Herter in this hilarious one-shot that originally aired live on Friday, September 22nd on the Critical Role Twitch channel at: https://www.twitch.tv/criticalroleTo help fight pediatric cancer with a donation to the Pablove Foundation, visit: https://give.classy.org/TeamHerter

You're listening to Crash Pandas on the Critical Role Podcast Network. Our show airs live at twitch.tv slash critical role on Thursdays at 7 p.m pacific. And right now we're running a Kickstarter for our animated special. Check it out at critrole.com slash animated. If you like this podcast, please rate and review it on whatever podcasting app you use. And now without further ado, here's Crash Pandas. And that's right, Sam Riegel does not really know the rules of how to play this game. Hi, everyone.

I'm Sam Riegel. Yay! And welcome to Crash Pandas, Too Trashed, Too Curious. This is a special one-shot that we're doing as a thank you and a celebration to the Critters and to the donors who have supported our awesome charity push for the Poblove Foundation. Poblove Foundation is a great organization that raises money to fund research for and support people going through childhood cancer. We have raised a butt-ton of money so far, over $70,000!

Amazing! so far over $70,000. Amazing. Yes. Absolutely amazing. And by we, I mean you, the Critters out there. So please, the donations are still open. You can donate now and should throughout the night. And you can still tag yourself in the description field with Critical Role and be entered to win a prize. Speaking of prizes, we will be giving away a prize tonight

on this show. Probably towards the end or at the end, Blair Herder is here to help give away the prize, and he's going to be playing with us in this one shot. I don't know what else I'm going to do. I'll put one person at the table. You can't promise your safety. I can't promise your safety. I can't promise your safety. I'm also supposed to mention that we have revised our top goal. We've revised our top goal to $75,000,

a very attainable number. And if we hit that mark, I will have a special fireside chat with you in the coming weeks where I'll get to wear a robe and sip wine and talk about stuff. We're less than $5,000 away. Please make it happen, even tonight.

Is it going to be cheap wine? I don't think it will be cheap wine, Travis. Maybe we should revise that some more? Under the robe, will you freeball it? And maybe over as well. Don't forget to donate at give.classy.org slash teamherder. Huge thanks to everybody. I think that's all the announcements. Before we get into the story, I don't think we do the on tonight's Critical Role. No, we just go, right? We're just in it.

Okay, before we start, first thanks to Travis, Laura, Liam, Marisha, and Matt for joining me as the players of tonight's Trash Pandas game. And thanks to Grant Howitt for writing this game. He writes a lot of one-page RPGs, and you can support him at Patreon. Okay, before I get into the rules. No, let's get into the rules. Let's get into the rules. Okay, before I get into the rules, no, let's get into the rules. Let's get into the rules. Okay, I'm going to do a quick rule primer, because we've got to get this going. You each have four stats. Alacrity, chutzpah, ferociousness, and rotundity. Alacrity is like speed, chutzpah is like charm, charisma, carrying off schemes. Ferociousness is like strength, biting, scratching, being mean, and rotundity is like constitution.

It's how steadfast you can remain in adversity thanks to your roundness. When attempting any action, you'll roll the number of d6 dice associated with one of those four stats. You get a bonus dice if the action is somehow tied to your backstory. For instance, if you want to jump from one car to another, that's alacrity. Any d6s with four or above are a success. Easy tasks take one success, medium take two, et cetera, et

cetera. Then there's different rules for driving a car, which we'll get into when we get there. I don't want to flood you with rules. Too late. And any questions before we start, guys? Solid, you did a good job. Okay, a few caveats. Where did the candidates come from? Are we rolling?

We are rolling. A few caveats before we begin. Number one, I don't know anything about cars. Or racing, or engines, or wheels. Anything that I describe about a car will be wrong. Number two, I've never played this game before. None of us have. I really kind of don't understand the rules, because they're written by a British man, I think. That's what it is. I'm not sure how the word connects.

Lost the translation. Because the word tire was spelled T-Y-R-E. Took me a while to figure out what that was. But you would still like everybody watching to tweet you the correct terminology for everything. Please, please. You want to make sure that you're schooling them. The rules tonight are going to be a little bit bendy, so just be prepared for that. Blair is here, and he's excited to play with us, but he'll be in a little later. So let's just get into the

story, shall we? Let's do it. Oh my gosh. I've never played a Sam game. I don't even know how to use our starting equipment. Also, by the way, if you're not familiar, the game is about car racing in Los Angeles, and everyone's playing a raccoon. Great. There you go. You got this.

Okay, I'll set the scene. Prologue to dumpster dive in LA. Silver Lake, California. Home to hot yoga studios, pretentious coffee shops, raw vegan juice bars, unironic penny farthing bikes, and vermin. That's you, five mangy raccoons scraping out an existence with your opposable thumbs. But the Silver Lake dump's trash supply is drying up. Too many hipsters are recycling, or worse, composting their scraps for their urban gardens. Freagans and hobos grab the best stuff for themselves. Avant-garde artists take what they need for their political art statements.

And the rats, don't even get me started on the rats. Some raccoons have moved away, starved, or have started pretending to be house cats. Bottom line, times are tough. You need a source of yummy trash or you'll die. You've heard about an illegal street racing circuit called the Racing on Dangerous Extreme Nighttime Terrain or Rodent Circuit.

It's a deadly, ironically, humans only street racing competition. With obstacles, traps, and danger held once a year, where the winner gets a cash prize, useless. A trophy, also useless. And access to the coveted turf, the parking lots of the Staples Center after closing time. This is the best street racing turf in LA. Unguarded, multi-level parking structures with long strips of pavement. But more important to you guys, it's home to 22 jumbo-sized stadium dumpsters with all the old hot dogs, stale beer,

and half-eaten churros you could want. It's a raccoon's trash dream, and it could set you and the crew up for the next year. Scene one. A dry river runs through it. It's a calm summer evening dusk. The five of you have gathered on the dried out cement banks of the LA River. Tigers cover the place in graffiti. You've been told that there's going to be a qualifying race here tonight, a high-octane battle of guts and speed. Maybe there's a way for you to enter and move on to the big show, the Rodent Circuit Championship. Sure, you want that food, but you've all got your own reasons for being here. In fact, why don't you describe yourselves and tell us a little bit

about why you're here? Maybe we'll start with Matt, because he is the best at this. Hey there, folks. My name is Reggie Burns. I don't mind the scar and the hand cast. You know, it's been a crazy month. Things have been a little nuts. You know, just looking to make some scrap out here. Got a few debts, got to, you know,

make sure we're on the level. Anyway, just hoping to find some good partners out here and get some good racing on, and you all look like a fun bunch. He's a skittish raccoon with his arm in a cast. Next, we'll go to Marisha. Tell us about your raccoon. Hello, I'm Rhinestone. I'm here because I feel like street racing is really great to expand your social media presence. And, you know, I'm pretty good on Animalgram. You may recognize me from there.

Yeah. I have purple hair that I dye with thrown out Slurpee syrup behind a 7-Eleven. And, you know, more importantly, I'm kind of the sweetest because I've been captured the most by animal control. And, you know, I'm just really nice around people. sweetest because I've been captured the most by animal control and you know I'm just really nice around people It's really big people raccoon um And you know I'm just I'm here because I'm trying to find my father we were separated Never met him

And you know I just feel like street racing would be a good way if I can get my face out there more Maybe my dad would find me and also maybe I'd get sponsored, but maybe my dad would find me. Are those your real eyelashes? Oh no, these are glued on. Thank you. You can see she snaps a few selfies with her cell phone. We should all group together. Do any of you guys have a following? Anybody? Actually, if you guys could just not give me any photos, it's a law thing. Continue.

Next up, Liam, why don't you introduce us to your raccoon character? Hello. My name is Ringo. I'm a raccoon accountant, and I don't even want to be here. My cousin Scraps got mixed up in the human's racing world. Crossed the champ. He's dead now. Tried to get him out of town, tried to put money in his hand and send him on his way. He didn't listen, he didn't go fast enough,

and now he's dead. I'm here to assemble a team. I'm gonna run that motherfucker off the road. Whoa. That's intense. That is very intense. This thing took a turn. What was it, everybody? Rhinestone.

Yeah, it's like Jules, but trashier. Reggie Burns, Rhinestone, Ringo, so far. What about your names? Oh, is everybody our names? No, no. In fact, why don't you tell us your non-our names, Laura? I'm not here. My name's Izzy. I used to set up shop outside of the AMC, but they locked it down. They had really great popcorn, though. But the thing is, one night I was following a trail of red vines,

and I ended up in a theater. And it's there that I found heaven. Okay, so they were showing this movie called, um, The Foss and the Furriest? And this guy named Vin Diesel was starring in it. And he's this race car driver. So I figure if I can get really good at racing, then maybe he'll notice me and I can have his babies. You know, we're talking about a raccoon?

No, he's a person. And you want to have his babies? Well, it's called the fuss and the furriest, so I figure he's into it, right? I don't know if that's how that works. It's 2018 now. There's a lot of interspecies relationships. You should get woke.

Get woke? I'm not saying that trash can't be hammered. I'm saying you can't make little cubs that way. I don't know what you're talking about. The camera pans over to Travis Willingham. My name is Gooba. You can call me know, cars, they have always fascinated me. I mean, really, just the shiny parts, all the intricacies, the mechanical operations, you know. I find myself a bit of a tinkerer,

from brake bias to pole rod suspension. You like cars, boy. You and me are gonna get along real fucking well. Anyway, so I love learning the incredible ways that these cars function. Sometimes I'll break into a parking garage and find one of the cars that got the old trunks, get my little fingers up there, pop the hood, and make your way through the back of the trunk into the interior of the car. Oh my god,

you got jelly beans, maybe a couple busted up Cheetos, maybe some Cheerios if they had some kids in the backseat. Then you just work the Right, yeah. And then you just work the shift, right? Get the wheel. Try and figure out all the wiring underneath. That's where I excel. I don't have any idea how to run a car. I know. Well, look. Me neither.

Listen, I nerd out about it a little bit. It's like my passion, you know? So it makes me a little socially, you know, standoffish. No, I find you very charming. Oh, good. Yeah. No judgment there. I'm not going to be honest, I'm feeling really good about this, it's a good assembled group here.

We've got a good chance. It is a good team, and in fact, your team, your crew, if you will, hides currently on the edge of the river, watching from the shadows. There are five cars lined up at the starting line. I'll line them up right now, and I'll make a starting line. I think we should trade this game for campaign two. That's easier on me.

Nuts. Matt's going to the movies! Look at that, a truck! I feel like we're about to play Twisted Metal. All right. No! Matt's going to the movies! Look at that, it's a truck! I feel like we're about to play Twisted Metal. All right. Yes! Yeah!

Yeah. There are no drivers in the cars right now. All of the drivers are shooting the shit with a large, imposing gangster called Grecian Toretto. Yeah. You overhear him say, Okay, youse guys, we got five cars racing tonight. The top two move on.

The losers, well, they're just losers. The rules are there ain't no rules, all right? You start here on the riverbed. First three to the bridge under the two freeway winds. You crash, tough shit. The cops come, you never met me. You die, I get your car. You understand? As the racers mill about, you see your chance. All five vehicles are empty. You could steal one, but which one and how? What would you like to do?

Well, I'm super attracted to the giant ice cream truck on four wheels. The green one looks closest to the movies. OK, as you guys peer closer to the cars, you notice that a lot of them are emblazoned with logos and hood decorations and names on them. So I'll tell you a little about each car. There's one called REV Speedwagon, a burnt umber

1978 Caprice station wagon. There's one that is called Taxicab Concussions, a beat up New York City taxicab with the doors painted shut. The green one is called Victor Von Vroom, a green Corvette that looks zippy, but hard to control. This van over here is called the Exterminator, a royal blue exterminator van with pest control emblazoned on the side. And then this gigantic thing is called Mr. Fasty. It's just a fucking huge ice cream truck.

All the drivers are somewhere around here conferring with Grecian. Any ideas? Any picks? Where are we? You guys will say that you're up on the riverbanks. About how many feet away? It doesn't matter. 37 feet away. Yeah, yeah, good. Can I quickly do an animalgram search on each of the names and see if I can discern which one has the most followers or has won the most? Sure, sure, go ahead.

There is no such thing as an intelligence check on this, so I'm going to just say this is chutzpah. Make a roll using your chutzpah modifier, that's the number of dice. Which is four. Yeah, and go the number of dice. Just four? Yeah, and go ahead. Super connected.

See if you can connect to the internet down here. Two successes and two failures. Okay, so definitely. They actually have pretty good LTE connection down here. You get right on Anilgram. You find out that of these racers, Taxicab Concussions has a pretty good following, 700 followers. Ooh, okay. Taxicab has the most followers. Mr. Fasty has even more, but they appear to all be parents and kids, not choice followers. It's mostly accounts that have their dog picture as their avatar.

Ben Diesel's not following this. No, no, no. It's not sexy. It's not sexy. And that's about it. Nobody else has an account. Well, we might get the most attention with the taxicab. That could be either really great or really bad. Yeah, but we want to win this, right? We don't need attention. We want either, I'm thinking... But how else do you get attention except for being a really good race car, right? We don't need attention. We won either, I'm thinking. But how else do you get attention except for being a really, really good race car, right?

I mean. Yeah, look, if it's built on speed, the big monster in the middle, probably not the way we want to go, unless he's got a Flowmaster system in the back and a nitrous underneath. You want to go check? We should.

Victor's room looks like the movies, I'm telling you. The green one looks like it could be blown away in a stiff breeze. Two hours later. How about this? You go ahead and check for the flow thing on the big car. Let's go look at the green one and see if it looks functional. Can we run down and get under the chassis of the car?

All right, I'm going to need all of you to make an alacrity check. Oh, I'm really bad at this. Broke off. So we roll what it says next to our staff. Can I get an extra one, because it reminds me of the Fast and the Furious? Absolutely, you can get a bonus dice for that.

Ringo, you would roll two. Yeah. I have two successes, two failures. Okay, just tell me your successes. I don't care about failures. One success. Zero. Okay.

One. Okay. Zero. Okay, One. Okay. Zero! Okay, so everybody starts down the sloped banks of the LA River, and all of you have claws, great for climbing trees and trash cans, but this is smooth cement,

and you guys all start skidding down, just doing this move. What the hell? Except for Goober. Goober seems remarkably fine. He's just bouncing from piece of trash to piece of trash to debris to debris. A little nibble.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. He gets down no problem, but the rest of you have kicked up a bunch of dust. A couple of hobos look over at you. One of the graffiti taggers looks over at you. He has a. Oh god, that's scary. Matt, go ahead and make a ferociousness check. That's four successes. Oh wow! The hobo, the tagger looks at you, freaks out,

drops his can of paint and runs away and hightails it to I'm going to go up and grab the paint. Ooh, yes. You already have two items that you might be holding, so if you'd like to drop one, you can, or you could hold one with your mouth. I'm going to go ahead and take my cold syrup and hold that in my mouth, and then take the can.

You're on cold syrup? Yeah, a cough syrup. You never know. I want to dive under the cars and check out the inside of the extermination van. Yeah, oh yeah. We're all holding stuff. Everybody has two items, and that's all they can hold. Because they don't have any packs.

Yeah. All right. I got those problems. Okay, you guys make it to the car. You did cause some noise, but nobody seems to notice, because it's the LA River, and rodents are okay down here. So you make it to the first car. No one seems to have noticed that you're running around

over there. What would you like to look for or do? I would like to look for modified exhaust pipes. Okay, I'll just say that you're here back here. Checking out the ass of all these cars. I don't have characters for any of you. Get all the identical soldiers. Yeah, get all the identical soldiers. There you go.

All raccoons. What? Just use the Mighty Nein. It's up special for mass. No one can tell raccoons apart. This is perfect. I love it. All right, so Travis is up on the back of the ice cream truck, is that right? Yep, yep. And you're checking for what now?

Modified exhausts or nitrous tanks underneath. Okay, make a, I don't know what to roll for this, let's just say a hotspot. Hotspot, okay, I'm going to go with that. That is two successes. This takes care, this ties into your backstory, so you get an extra dice. Three successes. This takes care, this ties into your backstory, so you get an extra dice. Three successes. Oh yeah, so instantly,

you're able, with your amazing automotive knowledge, you pry back the back sort of, the back hood. I don't know anything about cars. No. You pry it from the back hood. The trunk? I don't know! The back hood! You have a course! You pry open the back hood. I don't know! You open the back hood.

When your butler brings you your car in the morning, what does he call it? A boot? Yes, I know! I thought you were going to read British. All right, you try try open the back hood, and you can see it is the engines in the back of the van, which is lucky. I'm a killer for an American car. I have the motor-fly.

You expertly use your opposable thumbs to unscrew a little cap of some sort. I didn't know anything! You pry back that thing and you look in, and yes, there is whatever you said before. Sam's knowledge encompasses wine and acapella, and that's it. What did you call it? A Flowmaster? Jackpot, you guys! There's a nitrous tank! Oh yeah, there is a nitrous tank. And a Flowmaster exhaust system on his mother.

Let's do it. Let's do the ice cream truck then. Okay. So into it. All right, you guys cautiously walk around to the driver's side of the vehicle and find that the door is locked. Any ideas on how to get in? Yeah, but I take a selfie with it real quick.

Are there any other doors or windows or anything? You can snoop around. Do you want to crawl around and look? Yeah, ice cream trucks have that window on the side. Absolutely they do, and you can see from your expert raccoon eyesight that it is partially ajar. Yeah, I'm trying to get it. All right, go ahead and roll for, what is it? Alacrity. Alacrity. Alacrity. Alacrity. Alacrity. Oh, I failed it.

Oh no, okay. Izzy starts to climb up the side of the ice cream truck, and then she gets a picture of one of those yummy rainbow popsicles that she loves so much, and she thinks it's real for a second, and reaches for it, falls off, hurts herself. This alerts the driver of the car. An imposing woman with a mohawk looks over. In it?

No, no, she's over here talking with the other drivers, as you can tell by her. We're no more bad. Yep. No, no, this one represents them. Totally different from you guys. But she's looking over now. She's on alert.

I'm going rogue and I am crawling and I'm looking for an opening into the extermination vehicle. Oh, you're going to a different vehicle. Yes, I am. All right. Ringo goes over to the exterminator. I want to look for anything that can kill a man. That can kill a man?

Yeah. Okay, the back door is open. You flip open the back and look. There's all kinds of hoses, sprayers, bottles of poison, bottles of gas. There's all kinds of stuff that could kill a man. I would love to leave behind my can of red spray paint and take a bottle of poison, if that's possible. Sure, there are bottles of poison. Now, They're not connected to any hoses or anything, but you can certainly cart off a bottle of poison. Is there anything in it?

Yeah, it's a bottle of poison, but there's no sprayer or anything. It's just a bottle. It's got a cap. You can wipe it. That's fine. I'll leave the can of red paint. All right. You're going to go back with your friends? Yeah. Can I try to use my broom to pry open the window? Ooh, you're using your broom. Yeah, so I stay on the ground. Can I help her out now? Give her a little boost on my shoulders?

Sure. Yes, you're going to have to roll another alacrity check, but with advantage. Advantage? No, no. Why don't you roll one, too? Okay, I'll add. Eh. Eh. That failed. Definitely failed. Why didn't you roll one, too? Okay, I'll add. That failed. Definitely failed. All right, while this is happening,

the one driver that seemed to get attention, the woman, what car is she walking towards? She walking towards? She's walking towards the one that you're investigating right now. She's getting to about here now. She might come over and snoop around. She looks tough as nails.

She's got a denim vest on, big mohawk. We got to kill her. I like where this is going. We're pirates. I think I skid her away from the ice cream truck. You're just going to bolt. All right, so is he going? Over to the green, Vav the Broom or whatever.

Victor Von Broom. All right, she's getting a little closer. What are you guys doing? This is our moment to fade back to the green? Over to the green, Vav the Vroom or whatever. Victor Vav Vroom. All right, she's getting a little closer. What are you guys doing? This is our moment. We got to take one of these vehicles. Are we going to do this or what? Yeah, we're doing it. I know, I know. Which one? The ice cream truck? The station wagon?

Is there a back door on the ice cream truck or is there a handle? Is that what they're calling it? Yes, there is definitely a back door to the ice cream truck. That's how they load in the ice cream. I'll take my grappling hook and I'll throw it up to the back of the truck. You're grappling a hook? Yeah, I got a grappling hook and duct tape.

What the hell? He's a tinkerer. Why do I have a banana? I'm ready to fix and climb. Why do I have a banana? So I'll throw it up and try and catch it on the handle. All right, go for that alacrity check, and you get a bonus die. Whoa.

Yeah. Oh yeah. Four successes. All right, the grappling hook expertly goes around the handle, flies open, the doors are wide open, you can all get in very easily. You're going to all go in? No, I'm going to distract the human, you throw that grappling hook at me when it's time to go,

and I run out and I start running circles around the lady who's got this. Okay, so you're circling the lady. Foment the mouth! Really sells it! I hear it, I start spitting around the lady who's got this pretty shirt. So you're circling the lady. Foam at the mouth! It really sells it! I hear it, I start spitting as much as I can. Okay, roll that chutzpah check. The lady doesn't know what's going on.

She's looking at her car, she's looking down at this crazy raccoon. Three successes. She freaks out, she knows that you definitely have rabies. She tries to kick you, tries again, fails, says, runs back to the other drivers and says, Hey, there's a crazy raccoon over there! I'm going to need some help! Give me your bats! They all have bats. They all carry bats.

I start doing my best impression of a skunk and I start to do a handstand and try to put my raccoon tail towards them. Nothing comes out. Reggie Burns, you got any luck starting cars that work in ignitions? I spit out the cough syrup, drop the spray paint, pick up the cough syrup with my other hand, and just go, I can certainly try. Yes, I do have some experience. It's been a little while. Let's give it a try. She's coming back over. She's got a bat with her now. I'm going to unscrew the poison while I'm on my hands and chuck it between my legs to take the place of the skunk's stink.

Okay, so you're spraying her with poison. No, I'm going to break it on the ground in front of her. Okay, you're breaking a canister of poison on the ground in front of her. In a handstand. Okay. This vermin control poison bottle explodes on the pavement in front of her, between you guys, and noxious poisonous gas starts spreading everywhere.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. It hits your nose, it's very stinky, and it's already starting to hurt you. You better get out of there or you might fade away. Okay, I do a barrel roll towards the car. Okay, awesome raccoon barrel roll. You're in the car. She takes two whiffs of this poison gas, starts hacking, and she staggers back to the other drivers, saying,

I need some water. Give me your water. They all have bottles of water. And they all give her some water. They spray it on her eyes and face and try to get her back to full health. But she's definitely distracted, did not see you go in the car. All right. Well, this is happening.

Goob went ahead and ushered me to the front of the ice cream truck. And I'm looking at its controls. I did a little bit of driving for Big Paulie. Sure, you did. I'm going to see if I can remember how to go ahead and hotwire one of these things. Okay. Go ahead and make an alacrity check, I guess. Oh god!

Yeah, look for a green wire! Success! Okay, yeah, great. There was a hanging wire and another hanging wire, and he puts them together and they make a spark. Red and green! Got it! It's going! It's going, Coop! It's going! There was a hanging wire and another hanging wire and he puts them together and they make a spark. Red and green! Got it, got it! It's going, it's going, goop, it's going!

As the engine starts, Grecian, the guy who's running the race, perks up his ears and says, oh, it looks like we got a race, ladies and gentlemen. Everyone to your cars! The other drivers all make their way to their cars, but the driver that you have poisoned seems to still be recovering over here.

She's on her hands and knees. She's throwing up by these barrels over here. Reinstone, Reinstone, where? What? Where's Ringo? I can't see. Ringo's gotten into the back. He's gotten into the back of the truck, closed the door behind him.

You guys are all in the ice cream truck, which is now your vehicle. Is it called Mr. Fasti? Mr. Fasti. Mr. Fasti. Grecian comes to the front of the starting line and announces to you guys, all right, everybody, the race starts here in the LA River.

Finish line is under the bridge beneath the two freeway. Get there any which way you want. Remember, the only rule is there ain't no rules. On your mark, get set. As you get up on the wheel, get up on the wheel! We'll take a little pause here to tell you how to drive. Okay, this is super complicated, but also amazing. I know you can hurry.

Yes, so for actions that you want to do when you're driving a car, you're going to have to make decisions simultaneously without conferring. So I will tell you the situation, tell you to choose what you want to do, ask you to lock in your answer by holding a D6 and choosing a number that you will then show me.

The numbers one through six mean different things. The number one means break. The number two means turn left. The number three means break. The number two means turn left. The number three means turn right. Number four means use an item, any item. Number five is go faster, accelerate. And number six is any other creative action you guys can come up with.

At the end of each racing round, I'll roll a bunch of d6s that corresponds to how fast you guys are going. If, for instance, if you're going 50 miles an hour, I'll roll five dice. Anything four or higher is a cool point for you guys. Okay? You'll have to keep track of these cool points.

Maybe I will, too. Because you guys are drinking. Tea! And yes, tea. And you guys can, as a group, discuss and confer and spend cool points together to do cool things like jumps and spins and speed blasts and amazing tricks and find better routes. Like spinning around and going backwards. Every time I roll a one for you, your car will take damage. Ten damage points will stall your

car and it will need to be fixed before it can go on. I've given you guys stats, a few items to start with, so we're ready to race, maybe? Okay. All right. At the starting line, all the cars are ready. Grecian holds up a flag in his hand and he says, When I drop this flag, you guys go. One, two, three, go! All of the engines go as fast as they can. Give me your first move on the count of three.

There's multiple moves of this? Or is it one and done? There will be multiple moves, yes. This is the first move out of the gate. So we just show what our dice is we want to do? You choose which of the number you want it to be, put that face up on the dice, cover it, and then we reveal it all at the same time. I also should shout out,

there is amazing suspension and wheels on this thing. We should run over some of the other cars, okay? Ooh! Let's put some cars in the way. Okay. I've got the ones next to us. Sure, sure, sure. All right, one, two, three, show me what you got.

You know what, just tell me your numbers. Three. Five. Five. Five, we're going fast! Okay. Hold it! So three was Goober. You know what? Just tell me your numbers. Three. Five. Five. Five, we're going fast! Hold it! So three was Goober.

He turned right, hard right. Oh no. Out of the gate. I'm kicking that taxi cab in the ass. Everybody else went fast. I don't know who else plays GTA, but when you start, you get rid of those other cars. All cars pull out of the gate.

You guys shoot off at super fast speeds, except you go right out of the gate. Yeah! Yeah! You have to have concussions. You guys are going already at about 30 or 40 miles an hour straight out of the gate. Ooh, you guys just got three cool points.

Yeah! So remember those for the future. Laura, are you keeping tabs with the- I'll keep them, too. Cool points, all right, cool. Okay, they'll come in handy later. All right, the other racers have hit the gas as hard as they can, they're going fast.

This guy has to swerve around this car. REV Speedwagon speeds this way. The exterminator sees what you're doing and he banks hard right, because he sees you're bearing down on him. It's the next round of racing, guys. Choose what you want to do. Lock in the answers and tell me. What you got? Two.

Uh-huh. Tell me the numbers. Three. Two, three, yeah. Five. Yeah. Five. Yeah. Six. Ooh, okay.

First and foremost, Goober grabs the steering wheel. He's hungry for more blood. He turns hard right, right into these barrels. Hard left, hard left, hard left. Sorry, left. Oh, he's trying to straighten us out? But Reggie Burns has other ideas. He pulled the steering wheel the other way, hard right.

I got banned, sorry! You guys, two of you hit the gas pedals as hard as you can with your little raccoon fork. You shoot forward. The exterminator's trying to get rid of you. Liam, what was your action? I take a big bucket of soft serve ice cream and I chuck it out the back at the vehicles behind me. Yeah! All right, so there's a big gallon

of Chunky Monkey getting thrown out of the back of the car. Roll a, let's say, this is a strength check, so let's do Ferociousness for you. All right. What do I need to succeed? You need two to succeed. I do not do it. Oh no, all right.

You take a huge throw with your tiny little raccoon arms at the back of the car. It does get out of the truck, but it splats right here. Now there's an area. I'll mark it with one of Matt's things. This area is super slick now. You should just make it a wreck. Oh, sorry, sorry.

I'm going to break everything tonight. The taxi sees this and slams on the brake and turns left. Oh no, these guys are going to hit! Oh god, they just slammed into each other! Oh god, that's a definite wreck. The taxi's taken out. It still worked. It was like a $100,000 shot, at least. It's a huge explosion of sparks. Bent metal. The taxi guy is super upset. So many practical effects. Yes, of course the speed wagon sustains almost no damage

because it is a 70s model car made out of hard, hard steel, so it's totally fine. You guys don't manage to quite get contact with the exterminator, because he's trying to outwit you. You guys straighten out a little and go a little further down the track, as do these two cars. Oh no.

Let's see what the next obstacle will hold. Okay, I'm resetting the map. This is no different than what any eight-year-olds do around the table. I love it. As we go into the second stretch. You guys are going with blistering speed. You guys are already up to 60 miles an hour. So I'm going to roll for this. The first impact with the first car that you hit did sustain some damage to your vehicle. One hubcap is loose and falling off, but you got three more cool points to spend if you want.

Start using them cool points, guys. Okay, as we go into the next round, is there any cool thing that you want to try? As a group, you can decide. Do we want to form a raccoon chain and hang out in the corner? As you guys discuss this, you see the exterminator has pulled ahead a little bit. No!

And is using his poison gas to throw a smoke screen at you guys. You can see the nozzles starting to be loosened and coming out the back of the vehicle. He's got poison gas in these sprayers ready to spray. Go hit that nitrous, buddy! If there's got to be a red button, look for the red button! Look for the red button! Raccoons are colorblind, you can't tell them!

I just hit buttons! Yes! Is there a rope or a plug in here? Sure, there's ropes for when he needs to ring the bell. Ring the bell? I start tying the cord from the ice cream mixer around my waist, and I pull out the rocket booster I have. He has a rocket booster. I jump out the passenger window and ignite the rocket. Okay, wait a second. You're jumping out the passenger window, igniting the rocket. Are you

trying to shoot ahead to him? I want to pull the whole vehicle. Pull the whole vehicle. You're an outboard motor. You're a jet engine on its head. Holding on to the bell-ringing rope with one hand and a rocket engine with his other hand, he hits it hard. I'm going to have to ask you to make a lacquerity check just to see if you can hold on to this. Can we hold on to his feet? Absolutely, you can definitely help out. I'll give you check, just to see if you can hold on to this. Can we hold on to his feet? All right, let's do that. Absolutely, you can definitely help out. I'll give you an extra dice

to see if you can hold on to the rocket. One success. That definitely succeeds, because you knew what you were doing when you went into this. So you're dangling out the window, the rocket hits hard, it slams into your wrecking chest, it's starting to singe your fur and your tail, but it is

pulling you guys ahead. As soon as the poison gas starts coming out of the back of the exterminator, it bursts over the exterminator, flattening his whole car. He's still in motion, but he definitely did not hit you with the smoke. These guys are still coming up the rear, not as fast as you. You are currently in the lead of this race. Reset the map. All right, let's throw some water shit out here. Whoa! There's a-

Is it raining recently? It's the LA River. There's puddles of water, not too much, but- There's like twice a year. It's mostly industrial waste, all waste. The puddles are green. Let's say that there's an overturned bus. I don't know why. For everyone else on the planet, just think of Terminator 2. Yeah, totally.

Terminator 2. And let's throw some boxes. Oh my gosh. Okay, so next leg of the race, you're going to have to go through this water or go around it. It looks pretty slippery. It's mostly oily industrial water. You could blast right through it. You could try to go around it. These guys look like they're going to try to go straight through. What is your move here, guys? I'm going to ask you to dial in your answers right now and tell me what do you want to do. Give me the numbers. Two. Four. Three. numbers. Two.

Four. Three. Five. Six. Okay, two, three, four, five, six. Right at the top of the round, Goober, as he always does, turns left a little bit to try to avoid this one and hit another car. I see where you're going.

But whoever did number three. That's me, sorry. Goober and Reggie Burns are fighting over control. We really should be sharing either side of this switch. Fighting for control of the steering wheel. You're stronger than you look. Right back straight again.

Oh my god. Somebody hits the accelerator. I forgot who it was. That was me. With her prehensile tail. Still on the gas. You guys are going even faster. Who said use item number four? Me!

All right, what item is that? I want to use my broomstick! What are you going to do with that broomstick? I want to throw it out the back like a spear and try to shatter the windshield of the exterminator. All right, yes. The doors in the back of the ice cream truck are definitely open. You can definitely do that. Ah! definitely do that. Izzy, with amazing, almost like she saw it in a movie, she rears back and in

slow motion lets loose with this amazing improvised weapon. It flies through the air. Roll a, let's say, ferociousness check, if you don't mind. Oh. And one for your item. Oh, I get one for my item, too? Sure, why not? Okay. Yeah, I don one for my item, too? Sure, why not? Okay. Yeah, I don't know.

It doesn't matter. Three sixes! Three sixes! Not only does the broomstick fly with perfect aim, it shatters the exterminator's front window. Front window! I don't even know the word windshield! And for a split second, time slows down.

The exterminator starts regretting his life choices. Why did he try to kill all those rats and mice and raccoons and skunks? Why did he devote his life to hating animals when he could have loved them and cuddled with them? He sees your cute, adorable, masked face looking at him, and he regrets everything as the broom goes through his head.

No! Oh my god! Any final destination? I was just going to say that! He definitely dies, kills, is dead. Oh my god! Does the car also explode? The car does not explode.

Dies, kills, dead? For a moment, and then it definitely explodes. Yeah! Jesus Christ, Izzy! With poison gas, so it's like this weird green explosion. You guys go shooting over the water hazards. Whoa. Let's see if you guys can hold on.

Wait, wait, wait. I put a six down. Oh, what is the six that you wanted to do? Well, my rocket ran out of juice, so when it does, I'm going to then Spider-Man swing and just throw myself a Kimbo shirt cock in it, because all I've got is a tie, and go into the window of the station wagon. Okay, you're trying to get back into, wait,

into the station wagon? Wow. All right, this guy is out for blood. The accountant. As you fly through the air. The accountant. As you fly through the air, you see the person in the station wagon looks like a kind old biddy. She's just a sweet old little lady driving a station wagon.

Her window is down. Roll an alacrity check to see if you can get in. She's supposed to be in the street race. She's just in her own turn. Oh my god. One success. One success. You hit hard and do manage to hold on to the edge of the car. You're not all the way in.

You're hanging on the side of the car, and that's how this round will be. Oh man, you are out there. She goes over the water, you guys go over the water. It slows you down considerably. This guy shoots by on paper. You guys are now in second or third place. Was the speed now, or was it second?

We were going to say it's down to 40. Okay. Don't know how to play this game. Hey, you got two more cool points. Have you used any cool points? We used one cool point. One cool point? Can we use cool points independently?

Sure, yeah, I don't know, sure. You're earning a lot of cool points here. How many cool points do we have? Right now you have seven. Some things that you want to do take more than one cool point. So tell me what you want to do and I'll give it a point value. Going through the water, though, that wheel that had the wobbly whatever, hubcap, is starting to get real loose now.

That's where we should use our cool points. We should make the chain and fix the hubcap. You guys took two more damage. You're on three damage right now, but the race is still going. How many damage can we take? Ten. Yep, 10. Word study helped me. You guys are, the race continues. You guys are making up speed, falling behind.

You guys shoot up the side of the LA River to try to get onto the street now. To get out of the LA River, you're going to have to make a big jump. Yes! There's the jump, yes! And lava. There's a fence. Yes! And lava. There's a fence.

The dwarven force has been included! There's a fence here. You guys are all going to try to make this jump near at the same time. Actually, no. Greeny is going to go first. He makes it no problem. He's over. You guys are going to try to make this jump at the same time. You're nearing the jump. You're not there. You all can do one more thing, including you, Liam, who is still hanging on the side of the speed wagon. Would you like to lock in your answers right now and tell me what you want to do to make it over this thing? Can we cool point it? Yeah, cool point it.

What do you want to try to do? I think me and Rhinestone want to chain it out the window and try to fix a hubcap. Hold the hubcap on. I'll help, too, because I got duct tape. Okay. Hold tight. You want to go down? Yeah. We'll chain you?

I'm going to charge you arbitrarily two cool points for this. It definitely happens. While Reggie Burns is manning both the steering wheel and the gas, you guys all hang out the back of the car to fix the hubcap. You restore two damage. You're only down to one damage now, because Goober is an amazing mechanic. Do you do the mechanicing, or do you? Yeah, no, I do everything. I take the duct tape, I just get a little bit out, I touch the wheel, and it just starts fucking unrailing. I'm just wrapping it like a mummy. It's very easy to do. One of your tires is now covered in duct tape, which makes it really stronger than all the other tires.

I'm not part of this chain. No. I'm looking out the window, and I'm seeing that my buddy over there, Ringo, is hanging on the side at a bad time. I'm sitting there, holding onto the steering wheel, like,. I reach down, and if I can use a cool point.

Feel free. To take my cough syrup. Okay. And chuck it at the windshield of the station wagon to try and block the view. Oh, okay. I'm see, get out the window. Ringo, come back, buddy! I'll charge you two cool points for this,

because it's such an amazing move. That's that Thick Knuckle of shit. You have to take your hand off the wheel for a second, but you're still steering with one foot, and you throw the bottle of Robitussin as hard as you can. It's a perfect shot. It lands square in her windshield, shattering everywhere. She's so shocked, she makes a hard left by accident and goes up the side and slams

into the wall. Oh shit! Wait, Liam, what did you want to do? Oh boy! That's kind of irrelevant now. No, no, no. She's on her way up. She hasn't slammed yet. You see it approaching. What do you want to try to do? I'm still hanging out the edge of the window, holding onto the chain. Can I be like,

grab the chain and fling over Goob now that he's done? Ringo looks back and sees three of his friends dangling from a chain. Two of his friends dangling from a chain. Are there his friends dangling from a chain. Are there any cool points left? There are three cool points left. Okay, I will use as many as it takes to both simultaneously reach for the chain being thrown to me and to piss on the side of the old lady's face. It's a flying bladder of piss that shoots out, coating the side of the car.

As you guys shoot over the ramp, your friends grab you on this weird chain of piss that shoots up and over the ramp and makes it to safety on the other side. The two cars are blazing neck and neck for the rest of the race. As you know, the top two cars do win, so you have won no matter what. You guys are in great shape.

However, as you're going through the last leg of the race, a bunch of hobos start throwing rocks at you. Oh! They don't like cars and their turf. They also hate raccoons. And they're not even throwing them at Victor Von Vroom. They're only throwing them at you. These hobos have amazing aim.

The rocks are pelting you left and right. I'm going to need you all to make a rotundity check. Oh no. If you can survive the onslaught of pebbles and rocks. Failure. Huh? Failure. Failure? Three successes. Three successes, two successes.

Two successes. Two successes. Okay, everybody is totally fine, except Goober takes a well-placed hobo rock right to the chin. He was the farthest out on the chain. He was. Yeah. That was some sick air. Goober is currently unconscious.

Oh! Pull the chain in, pull the chain in! I dive in and just try and start pulling him in. Okay, make a ferociousness check. Oh no, that's your worst skill. It is! You need a one to succeed. It's just so sweet, though. I succeed!

You succeed! Even though he loses grip on the chain, at the very last minute, Marisha, I'm sorry, Rhinestone reaches out with one hand while holding on the chain, at the very last minute, Marisha, I'm sorry, Rhinestone reaches out with one hand while holding onto the chain on her feet and holding onto her cell phone with the other hand and takes an epic selfie.

Hey everybody, I just want to say thank you for following me in the middle of a street race. He almost died, okay, bye. And right at the end, she does a vroomarang. Oh, vroomarang of Goober. Just like the last moment of pulling him in. It gets a bunch of new followers and a lot of likes.

Guys, you are trending. That was amazing. Pulls in Goober, he slowly shakes it off and comes to consciousness. Ugh, Yax. You off and comes to consciousness. Nice. You guys pull under the bridge, the race is over, Grecian Toretto is already there, the engines get shut down, Grecian comes up applauding,

congrats, congrats, you two made it to the road and championships, as he says this. The other cars, in various degrees of disarray and brokenness, pull up. They're dispirited. They're all injured. One of them is dead. How's Granny, Farron? Granny's okay. She had an airbag installed in the late 90s. She's okay. Her grandkid did it for her. So she's fine. Who the okay. Her grandkid did it for her. Oh, of course.

Yeah. So she's fine. Who the hell is in that green car? You don't know yet. You haven't seen any faces. Victor Von Broom. As he steps out, you do see a man wearing cool racing leathers

with an awesome chrome helmet on. You can't see his face. He never speaks. He just looks fucking cool. Step on. You can't see his face. He never speaks. He just looks fucking cool. It's Deathbump. How big is he? How big is he? He's a normal human-sized person.

He's five foot seven and a half. Can't tell if he's bald yet. Gonna take the helmet off him. Yeah. Grecian says, congrats. You made it to the Rodent Championships again. That's just an acronym. It's a humans-only race.

No rodents are actually allowed. If any were ever spotted, they would be killed on sight. What does rodent stand for again? Racing over dangerous, enchanted night terrain. Yeah! We're still in our car as he's saying this, right? Yes, you're still in your car. I'm going to go ahead and apply my fake beard and glasses.

Nice. To attempt to interface in case any inquiring elements of disguise starts asking around. Is there any kind of Ice Cream Man's white smock or coat in here? There's two Ice Cream Man uniforms, which include a jacket and a hat. I'll get in one of the sleeves

and act like it's a hand sitting on the steering wheel. I'll, since I have awesome purple hair, I'll be the long-haired dude. I'll just be his hair. Okay, great. Since that's edgy and super in right now. Grisha, Grisha.

Up on? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Grisha goes over to Victor Vaughn. Jump over on the gear shift. Just like Voltron! And I form the head! She buttoned up the front of the coat. Grecian goes over to Victor Von Vroom and says,

We're going to meet up in one meet at midnight behind the water purification plant at LAX. Bring your best ride. Do you accept? Victor Von Vroom nods. He walks over to you guys and says, All right. I don't know who you guys, oh! What is your name? Uh, Sprocket! Sprocket Raccoon, it's French.

We roll a chutzpah check. What's your success? Oh, that's all you needed. He's kind of dumb. Grecian says, I've never been to France. I hear it's lovely this time of year. It's gorgeous. It's absolutely beautiful. I bend up forward with my banana in my hand and hold it up to his mouth like he's eating a banana. Oh! Ray takes it out of me, though! Sure. Potassium, it's a good source of potassium.

Very smart to do that. That's going to get cute. Keeps the Charlie horse in bed, you know? Sure. Hey, you're missing your mouth a little there, but it was a tough race. It was a tough race. One week, midnight, I expect to see you there. Your car got a little banged up. You might want to do some work to it before the big race. As he's saying

this to you, he pats you on the shoulder and says, good luck out there. He pats you on the shoulder. There's nothing really there except some moving fur and weird bones. There's a squeak. There's a squeak. He looks at you funny. It's a skin condition, don't worry. Yeah, he starts to look in, and just as he does, another person runs up to him,

the same woman as before, the Mohawk lady who was poisoned. She still has red eyes and snot all over her mouth. And she says, Hey! He stole my car! That's not fair! That's against the rules! Grecian wheels on her and says,

What did I say before? The only rule is there ain't no rules. And the lady says, No, you were very clear about that. I'm sorry. And she walks away. Oh my god. Chapter two.

How to train your dragster. Yay! Somehow you guys survived the first race, but your car was banged up pretty bad. You know that the competition in the championships is going to be tougher. After a quick celebration, you head to the dump to find parts for your ride. Here's the issue. You're only familiar with the south side of the dump where the food goes.

The north side is where they toss old VCRs and car parts. None of you have spent any time there. It's dark. The wind makes the metal creak and whine. Rats scurry nearby, watching from the shadows. Then suddenly, you smell something rank nasty. Two yellow eyes emerge from behind a broken mirror. Cloaked in darkness and stinking to high heaven,

you see a black and white creature. In one paw, he holds a metal pipe. In the other, it's not an animal paw. Instead, it's like a long plastic rod with pincers at the end. A grabby hand. Yes! He wears a dangling necklace and speaks with a hiss. I just shit myself.

You guys smell that? I didn't think I was going to make a company tonight. Wait, so it's not because you're a skunk? No, I'm literally a skunk, but I literally just shit myself, and I'm deeply embarrassed. I didn't expect anyone to come over tonight. I live in a dump, so. I just want to qualify a couple things.

One, I don't even want to play. I've just been enjoying the fuck out of watching this. Two, you guys are delightful maniacs. Three, I don't know any of this nice stuff, so I need your help. None of it makes sense. Okay, good. We'll help you. Because you've all been rolling different things and none of it has had any sort of consistency, so I don't know.

Exactly. It's a very subtle sign as to what's going on at this table. Please don't disparage the customs of this table. Sure, sure, sure. And I don't not have a great voice, because I'm not a great voice actor like you guys. My character grew up in the 90s, and he's a big fan of reality television,

and his favorite person was Blair Herder from Road Rules. Oh my god. So I sound very much like that guy from 1999's MTV. Wow. I hear good things. That's super meta, man. I was just trying to figure out how to sound, and I was like, fuck, I sound so stupid compared to you guys. Just be me, because I was that.

We'll use the theater of the imagination. Here we are. But as you see, for sure he did. But it's still sort of masked by the weirdly more pleasant skunk aroma. That's what I do. I cover up my shit. Yeah, you can fart anywhere. It doesn't matter. I can shit anywhere I want. As you see, standing before you, an older gentleman. He is a skunk, not a raccoon, but he's got streaks of gray in his black and white fur. He definitely stinks. In an instant, do you want to describe

yourself or say who you are or anything? Sure, sure. As you can tell, I do have a doll's paw. My name's Baldpaw. I was an ancient street racer back in the day before you kids were doing your stuff in the LA River. I was doing it big on the 405. I was racing in the auto times. That's crazy. With the humans. With the humans. And the dogs. Dogs used to drag race back in the day. Don't ask why they stopped. Fastback wasn't as much traffic, so you could race.

Yeah, sure. Sure, sure. I lost my paw, though, racing from San Francisco to Los Angeles. Not on a bicycle. I am a fantastic cyclist and will definitely be safe, Jessica, next week. But I was drag racing at one point and I lost my paw, ball paw. Funny thing, really hard to get a job as a skunk with a dull hand, so here I am in the junkyard. The only place I can possibly work. Travis, roll a history check. There's no such thing. No. Now again, I don't know, Do you need my dice, too? No, no, just hold on to it. Let's just say it's Rotundity.

Oh, one dice, okay. Okay. Success. Okay, you instantly recognize him as Albert T. Skunk, AKA Bald Paw. He was in this epic race, it's legendary, but a fellow competitor cheated and ran him off the road. His vehicle exploded.

Many thought he was dead. In fact, you thought he was dead, but instead he lives and survives in this dump selling car parts to young, hungry racers like yourself. You're instantly enthralled by him. My god, Baldpa himself. You guys, this is Albert T. Skunk. He's a legend, he's a myth.

That's him back. Yeah, you get parts from him and instantly your vehicles are faster. I mean, that's the rumor. This is perfectly deferential. I've deserved this. Oh! Thank you for being here.

You ever think about getting back in the game? It's a young man's game now. Young lady's game. Young furred people's game at this point. Very forward-thinking of you. It's a progressive lifestyle in the junk here. I have a lot of friends that don't actually exist, so I've learned to love everyone. And I'm just here to help. Really, I'm just here to help. Do you have anything we can put on our Mr. Tasty?

It depends on what you're looking for. Well, we're looking for things to fix that. I point back to the rather bumped up, terrifying looking ice cream truck on Leel. Ice cream truck. You know, I was driving an ice cream truck when I met your mother. Anyway, as I was saying, I see that there's some things that are wrong with that. I can help with that, but you're going to need to do a couple things for me. I immediately Google. Okay. Albert T. Skunk, aka Bald Paw. Sure, sure, sure.

You might want to put legend in quotes after that, too. Plus legend. Yeah. That's well. Plus legend. Plus the illegitimate children. There's no internet out here in the dump, unfortunately. There's no information that comes up. Fucking AT&T. Get that extension.

Try to get Fy'as, but it's not. By the way, AT&T, please sponsor our show. Yeah. This is Spectrum territory. None of us are going to get any internet. What do you need us to do? Well, as you can see, I live in a dump. Yeah.

As you can smell, I shit myself. Yeah. What I'm going to need you to do is go over to that row of porta-potties, okay? I'm going to need you to clean that out. That doesn't even make sense. Clean out of porta-potties, okay? I'm going to need you to clean that up. That doesn't even make sense! Clean out the porta-potties? Why would we need to do that?

Garbage isn't for cleaning. How many porta-potties are there? There's three porta-potties. Two of them have broken doors. It seems like the one that he's pointing towards is the one that's left pristine in the middle. The door is closed, locked, that there's flies buzzing all around it in the night.

Oh no. Why do we need to clean it out? I don't have any friends. I just wanted you guys to do something for me. I'm just kidding, I'll give you some parts. What do you guys think? Totally fine. It's just really good to talk to someone.

Super good to talk to someone. As you say that, the port-a-potty door opens and a nasty old lady comes out, pulling up her pants. She sees you guys. She's like, Hey! Hey, you! Get out of my dump! Get out of my dump! Dial it back, Jessica! Dial it back, okay? These are my friends. I roll over and show my belly. All right, just keep it clean tonight, everybody. Go scurry around. Keep it on the south side.

South side, or I get out my shotgun." She wanders back to the old hut at the top of the hill where she works. It works. She's my boss? Owner? Lover? Lover? It's possible! It's possible! That's what I told you! Interspecies love. I'm sorry. I can't keep things. You said really fast, and I need to check to see if you did say that.

Did you say something about my mother? Is it cool if I go ahead and check and if... Yeah, so about those parts, right? What are you guys looking for? Well, I feel like I'm just not being heard right now. Funny, that's what you used to say, too. So as I was saying, what are you guys looking for in the-

Reggie Burns, is there something you want to try? While they're having this conversation, like, pardon me, I need to go make a little tinkle. I'm going to go ahead and try and follow the old woman. Okay. Make an alacrity check to stay hidden. Yeah, success. Okay. You follow her all the way to the south side of the dump. I don't remember. The east side of the dump. Sure. There she sits on a perch, on a stoop. She pulls up a loaded shotgun and cocks it, and she scans down into

this strange pit. You take a look down there. There's all kinds of floodlights that aren't on yet, but with your night vision, you can definitely see that down in the bottom of the pit isn't your normal trash. It's not thrown out old fax machines and stuff like that. Down in the bottom of the pit seems to be shiny things. Wheels. Carburetors? Yes, yes, yes. Afterburners? Alternators? No. Afterburners? Alternators? No?

Spoilers? Yep, sure. Uh-huh. Christine race car parts that have been dumped there, and she seems to be guarding for some reason, probably because they're pretty valuable and are easily scavenged. So she's sitting there dozing off,

but keeping a little bit of an eye out for anyone going into the pit. Do you stick around? Do you go back? I'm going to go back immediately with them and tell them what I found. Okay. As Reggie Burns tells you all these things, you know immediately that this is definitely where the GM wants you to go. Yeah. Now, Pawpaw, I got to ask you, do you have any experience weaponizing a vehicle? Yeah, can you help us A-team this fucking thing?

I can make anything kill anything, man. What do you need? Harpoon guns, maybe some boiling acid, I don't know. Anything that comes to mind. Particularly fond of flames. If you guys like flames, I have many objects that distribute flames in many different deadly ways. This is going to be a beautiful fucking partnership. All right, you guys, slowly, unless there's anything you want to get out in the open, you guys can slowly make it. I'm a little in shock.

You think you're super into flames, like, maybe with my mother! I didn't want to say this in front of your friends, but I've been in this dumpster for the last 27 years waiting for you to show up. Oh, god. This is getting really real right now. We're crush pandas. Let's just rip the bandaid. Your mother and I had unprotected sex. You're my child. You're my child. And I knew one day, my child, the seed of my loins, I would pass on the superior racer genetics, and one day Toretto would bring back that sweet, sweet racing scene,

and my child will be a part of that. You guys do some mental math and realize that 27 years in human years means she's 16 in raccoon years. So it all makes sense. Which is super illegal in the skunk raccoon world, by the way. The old gal with the shotgun is your stepmom, or how does that work? I'm actually really curious about that, too. How does that work? She is one of my most regrettable rebounds after your mother died in that terrible accident.

So, your mom died in a, I mean, she passed away peacefully, and then I made a bad decision. But we need to move forward in life. It's not really about the past, or this doll. This is what happens when you think about the past. You gave me white hair, which is why I have to dye it this purple color! And you're welcome for your Instagram likes.

It looks really good. It's not skunk. Did your father motivate you in his ways? It was a very compelling story, and I get so many Patreon followers because of my tragic story about needing to find my dad. So yes, thank you. And now when they learn about this thing.

Oh my god. I am a skunk with a doll hand grafted onto my furry stuff. You should get your story out in the world. It could inspire so many people. What is the shape of the doll hand? Is it open or pointing or a thumb? It was taken from a doll, but it is a grabby hand. But it's a little melted because it had been in the sun when I found it. It's more so I can grab things with these two, but not so much a full grip. So this is two, I can't drink this with this, and then this is a paw, so this is unnecessary.

Oh, you're a skunk, you don't have a full thumb? Yeah, he's a skunk, he does not have a full thumb. I don't know anything about skunks, so yeah, I guess I don't have thumbs either. Did you lose that making her? No, no, no, that was different. That was my race. It certainly wasn't any aggressive sexual activity I may or may not have had with her mother. It was a race on the 40 different, that was my race. Don't play with children. It certainly wasn't any aggressive sexual activity I may or may not have had with her mother. It was a race on the 405, as I already said.

Let's move on. Are there any boxes around? Sure, there's lots of cardboard boxes, wood boxes. Can we get in cardboard boxes and sneak over to the big hole in the ground? Oh, nice. Absolutely. Do you all want to get into cardboard boxes and do this? If there's enough of them, yeah, yeah.

There's tons of cardboard boxes. Oh, are we Metal Gearing this? Yeah. All right. Let's make a group alacrity check. Let's say that... Will do. I'm ready.

So you need to roll two. If it doesn't, let me just, and then you guys tell me that I did it right. We need a collective five successes to win. Wait, wait, are you helping us get supplies? Two! Okay, we already got it. I don't know how this game works.

We already passed. We're awesome. Everybody makes their way to the pit. I can do it. On your walk over, you guys notice, weirdly, that Rhinestone hasn't been taking as many selfies. She's more present and in the moment right now. It's only because I don't have internet down here. Oh, that could be.

I'm just nervous. It's really shitty. You know, you can take those pictures and just save them for later, right? We can do that. Oh, I've been recording this whole conversation. Just, you know. For the fence? Ballpark. Just in case. Why? Why would you do that?

As you make your way over the hills and valleys of trash, Reggie Burns, you turn off to the side and notice the silhouette of three rats on top of a valleys of trash. Reggie Burns, you turn off to the side and notice the silhouette of three rats on top of a pile of trash. They're just looking from afar. They're not doing anything. Do I recognize any of these rats? You recognize that there is one smaller one,

one medium-sized one, and one big one. And the big one does this to you. But just kind of. Yeah, he made me do it. It was kind of me. Yeah, because their hands are real thin, so it's more like this. But they're not making any moves,

just watching you from afar. I'm just going to go. You okay? Do you know them? I don't know yet. They make an eyes at you. I know. How would you know them? Well, I just...

Look, I'm in a bit of a pickle. You found a pickle? I'm in a bit of a pickle. Sorry. Keep going. I'm in a... going to tell you guys, you guys know Big Pauly? Oh, I've heard of Pauly, yeah. Yeah, I was running for him for a while,

just helping him get through a few kicks there. I'm in a lot of debt. I brought a lot of money. How much? I'd say at least four or five big piles of scraps. Look, Maxine, she was beautiful. She had a lifestyle we had to maintain. I want to make sure that she gets what's important. She's gone now, and now Polly's... You notice that when you start a banan. Hey!

Suits IRL on brand, you guys. Don't go too deep into this. Reggie Suits IRL on brand, you guys. Don't go too deep into this. Reggie will never pay that off by yourself. That's why I need to do this, that's why I need this. I need you guys to help me. I don't know if that's Polly, but if it is... Polly's a rat. Be careful.

He's a big rat. How do you think I broke this fucking arm? You want a doll hand? Yeah, all right, we got more. You good? I got piles of doll hands. If this thing keeps going badly, I might take you up on that. I got doll heads that talk, I got doll butts you can put things on.

Whatever, anywhere I can help you. What do we do, Reggie? What do we do? Okay, Reggie explains to you. Oh, sorry, sorry, keep going. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm just saying, you know we're here, keeping an eye. He wants his scraps, so he's not going to get in our way

unless we start deviating from the plan. So just know we're being watched. Okay. Sure. They won't interfere. If at any point Polly gets too close and you see nobody, fucking kill him, because if we can get rid of this, then it's not going to problem anything.

Yeah, let's take the problem head on. Why are we dancing around if there's more of us than there are then? Because we've got a shotgun-wielding, crazy woman around the corner here. We've got to deal with her. We're in masses, no one will ever see us. Also, uh.

Yeah, and I thought you were banging her or something right now. She won't kill us, right? Yeah, let's not use banging, but yeah. Could you keep her busy? I'm sorry, flaming. I would. I can't deal with my mouth.

You guys do see that, judging by the stars, I don't know, using your raccoon sense, you realize you probably only have about an hour before daybreak starts to come up. So here's what I'm going to do, okay? Here's what I'm going to do, because I didn't expect to meet my daughter this evening. I'm going to help you guys out.

Life runs away. So here's what I'm going to do, because you got your own stuff going on over there, you need to handle with those right now. So what I'm going to do right now is I'm going to go over to that old lady on the porch, okay, for you, and you need to maybe watch this so you can see how you were made. I'm gonna do right now, I'm gonna go over to that old lady on the porch, okay, for you, and you need to maybe watch this so you can see how you were made.

I'm gonna kiss her. I'm gonna kiss her deeply, I'm gonna kiss her longingly, I'm gonna kiss her for a long time. This feels like conversations you're not supposed to have with your children. Yeah, well, this is the first time I've had a child, so I'm learning. Can you ask her if she knows Vin Diesel?

I can do that, I can do that. But I'm gonna kiss her for just long enough for you guys to get past her. Thank you. And then I'm gonna go. I can do that. But I'm going to kiss her for just long enough for you guys to get past her. Thank you. And then I'm going to go. This is a scientific experiment. If they make a were-skunk after that, you know that it's possible that you would be.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, Ringo. How skilled are you at pilfering? I'm all right at that. If they may be wise distracted, I can go ahead and grab that fucking shotgun. Oh, she'll be distracted. Trust me.

Let's go. Yeah. All right. I slowly unbend my doll hand. The two joint pops. So I can pick up a drink. What are you guys thinking? Molly puts down the ring finger. It's just two doll fingers right there.

My old lady banging hand is going to haunt me for the rest of my life, dude. What are you doing, Bald Fog? Two in the granny, one in the pit. Oh! Mercer! This is for charity. That's easily four cool guys.

All right, so who's doing what? I'm going to walk over to this lady, and I'm going to grab her, and I'm going to do some disgusting stuff while you guys sneak past. Okay, as you walk over to Jessica, Jessica pulls her shotgun up. Ah, it's just me! It's just me, look at the hand! Look at the hand, it's a doll hand. You scared me there.

Yeah, but you like being scared, though. Oh. You know I do. Told you guys not to watch, so anyway. You want to be scared. What were you doing with those raccoons? They're not going to steal any of my good stuff, are they? I've been doing dangerous stuff with those raccoons.

Tell me more. Is that your Jessica impression? Shall I tell you in your mouth, with my mouth? I'm on duty right now. This is good, because it's still Sam, you know what I mean? How do you guys do this? Keep going. Okay. Sam, we're doing this thing, go, go, go!

I'm on duty, I can't right now. I've got to watch out for these parts. Oh, I got a duty for you? I got another duty for you? I got another duty for you. As he's trying to distract Jessica. Hey, look at me. I don't know. She's temporarily distracted.

You guys see an opening. It's a very deep pit. It's a 15-foot deep pit. Hurry up! There is a makeshift ladder to climb down if one of you wants to attempt it. Sure, yeah. Izzy's going to go down?

Yeah. Okay, Izzy goes down. As you get to the bottom, make an alacrity check. God, I have a really low alacrity. Yeah, duh. Hey! Two successes. Two successes, she makes it down there. Anyone else want to join her down there? Yeah, I'll go, too.

Oh yeah, because you know Carforth. Make an alacrity check. Two successes. Two successes, you make it down there? Yeah, I'll go, too. Oh yeah, good, because you know a car for it. Making a lacquerity check? Two successes. Two successes, you make it down there? I'll join as well. Okay. I still got this rocket. Since these two are staying back.

I'm going to set it off. One success. One success. Okay, as Rhinestone makes her way down the ladder, she gets distracted trying to keep eyes on her dad, and she tilts the ladder back. The ladder falls in with you guys. There is definitely no way out of this pit.

You can get a bunch of stuff. Left up above are Reggie Burns and, what's your name, Ringo. And you guys, Ringo and Reggie Burns look back over to Jessica and Blair. Oh, I just shit myself again. Keep doing this. She keeps pushing him off, but she likes it. She doesn't, but she likes it. It's getting really weird over there.

Here's what we're going to do. I have this turbo rocket. I'm going to set it off into the side of that lady's head while he's keeping her busy. Is this the turbo rocket from before? Yeah, it's once per race. This is not a race, but okay. I'll allow it. Do you have any cool points? of that lady's head while he's keeping her busy. Is this the turbo rocket from before? Yeah, it's once per race. This is not a race, but okay, well, I'll allow it. Do we have any cool points? Sure, sure, sure.

We're out of cool points. We just got four from the old granny. From you saying we had it. It's been a little while longer. Guys, you start to see the sun starting to peak up. We gotta find those points! We gotta find those points! You do realize from looking around, there are a lot of cool parts down here.

You probably could get them out if you chucked them up to your friends up there. I also have a grapple hook so we could throw it up. That shotgun, you use it on those rats, and I use it in my next race. Crisscross, you scratch my back, I scratch yours. For a moment, my mind flashes through all the poor choices I've made

with the wrong people getting entangled in the wrong business and the wrong woman. I look at this psychotic, sociopathic, murderous raccoon and go, Yeah, sure, deal! What is your plan? I'm going to send the rocket into the side of his lady's head so he can get the shotgun. Okay, you're going to do it now? Right now.

Okay, go for going to do it now? Right now. Okay, go for it. Roll a... I mean, I guess a lacquer? Maybe a chutzpah? It could be all of them. Yeah. Let's look at Aliyah's stats. We'll go with chutzpah, because that's a medium level stat. You're going to have to roll real high to get this, Beau. I want the shotgun to murder a man. Does that mean it's connected to my? Yes, you get an extra dice.

You're the Ben Affleck account. That is one success. The rocket gets lit. It fires off towards, what's your name, Bald Paw and Jessica. She's actually gotten into it now. She's letting him give her this weird skunk hickey. A skicky?

A skicky. And right as she's about to drop the shotgun, a rocket slams into her hut behind her and explodes, shattering the area with all kinds of debris, making a huge loud noise. She throws Baldpaw off of her, cocks her shotgun, and just starts firing. Kachoo! Kachoo! Kachoo!

All right, from down below in the pit, she also flicks a switch next to her. All the floodlights go on. Everyone down in the pit gets hit with intense floodlights. You guys are accustomed to the night. You're all instantly blind. You start grabbing stuff, and in a mad dash hurry, you start throwing things up to Reggie Burns,

who is still there and has only one hand to catch things, but we'll say it's two for the purposes of this game. Yes! You guys are going to throw these things at each other. Oh, but wait, there's more. We have to be blind? No, you guys are okay. You're throwing stuff up.

Matt, though, is definitely blind. Oh no! He's going to have to catch these things as you throw them. Oh no! Whatever you catch, you keep. Ready? One, two, three! You got the kids coming when you throw them!

Hold on! You want these items. Oh, I do. The raccoons are tossing up items. You should probably tell them when to catch. Tell them when to catch. One, two, three, catch. Nope.

Tell them when to catch. Catch on four. One, two, three, four. Oh! One, two, three. Oh! One, two, three, four. Oh!

One, two, three. Oh! Okay, put both your hands underneath, and I'm going to lob it in there. We're clapping together. Ready, and catch! Bring the palms of your hands into your chest, so you get a little backboard.

Okay. Yeah, that's good. One, two, three. Okay, one, two, three. One, two, three. Oh, that's so hard! One, two, three. Basketball hoop. Oh, come on! One, two, three, catch. Oh, gosh!

One, two, three. Marisha, get in on this! Toss it! One, two, three, catch. Oh! This is so hard! One, two, three! Okay, okay, ready babe? I need you to grab two, three. Okay, okay, ready, babe?

I need you to grab your chest. Okay, ready? One, two, three, go. This is ridiculous. One, two, three, go. One, two, three, throwing. Oh, I hit a boom, Mike. One, two, three. I mean Oh, I hit a boom mic. One, two, three.

I mean... Oh my god! He got one! Okay, give me that one. No, no, no, that's too big. That one's too big. Don't throw that one. One, two, three. One, two, three. I mean, this is why I went to acting school. Take a few more!

That's the one that he caught already! One, two, three. Shit, that's the one he caught. One, two, three. Yes! Just because it's fun, Liam, you try a couple more. One, two, three. Shit. One. I'll count it, I'll count it. One, two, three, shit, one. Oh! I'll count it, I'll count it. Yay! One, two, one, two.

Yeah! Okay, that's my thing. Okay, the sun is fully up. She's reloaded for sure. Hey! Don't take the fucking bag off. You can take the bag off your head. Do I have to?

You don't have to. Are these bingo balls? They're ping pong balls that I numbered with a sharpie. That's so fun! Can we just play that for the night? We got this one, that's great. Matt looks ready for the purge. Okay. Oh man.

Oh my god. Shotgun blasts are going on all around you. You guys better hightail it or you're going to get shot. We're running, I'm running. You're running, you're running, you're running, okay. I'm going to help. Oh shit, I forgot. I bet she carries some stuff though, once we get out. Okay, great.

So you guys make your way out of the dumpster in one piece, a little heartbroken, a little embarrassed. A little! A little! And without your rocket anymore, it went. Or my shotgun. Or your shotgun.

It went away. No rocket. I forgot that chapter was called Greed for Speed. So we'll move on to chapter four, Days of Plunder. Yes. Or Plunder? I don't know. With a pile of new parts and whatever old decals and spray paint you scrounged up, Yes. Or plunder? I don't know. With a pile of new parts and whatever old decals

and spray paint you scrounged up, the six of you have driven back to the workshop. The workshop is an old storehouse in the bottom of the Howitt Club, a pulsing discotheque that's just above you. You hear the music throbbing from the ceiling. Now you can work on your ride. Let's see the items that you got.

Ooh! This is exciting. You got a bag of sand. Someone should write some of these things down. Bag of sand, okay. I got it, I got it. I don't have a pencil. A small sail and mast.

Okay. Ooh! That's a lot. Okay, yeah. Sail! It's like from a small sailboat. I wrote sail. Yeah. Okay, number 16, flame decals. Tied.

Okay, okay. A chute. Number 12 is barbecue tools, tongs, skewers, and kerosene. Ooh. Number 22, and I shit you not, is a fully loaded, brand new, in-box PS4. What are the actual odds? a fully loaded brand new in-box PS4. Which we're going to be giving one of these away later tonight. This one right here.

Again, this isn't live, right? Right here. So, insert. It's a T-regal problem. So definitely tune in later when we give away that brand new PS4. Bag of sand. We've got a sail and a mast, or a snail and a mast,

flame decals, barbecue tools, including a thing of kerosene, and an actual PS4. The flame decals are all we need? As you open the brand new inbox PS4, you see, stuck to the bottom of it, is an old used t-shirt cannon, Liam. You can have that. There's an old t-shirt cannon.

It might work for something. It's almost as good as a rocket. Or a shotgun, yeah, same thing. You finally kill a human, you sick bastard. Maybe one of us can fit inside of it. Are you jealous of me that I actually killed one? Huh? Nothing. All right, so now you can work on your ride.

You can change the look of it. I can't change the figurine, but you can tell me what you want it to look like. You can reconfigure things. You can add things to the outside, platforms, anything you want to do. Is there anything you'd like to tweak for this vehicle for the big race? You should tell us four more car parts that we should put on it.

You have a ball peen. You have a rim rack. You have spinners. Actually a big rock. And you have NOx. You have nitrous oxide. Yeah! You can watch the movie, all right. Yeah, so you've got some parts in your shop. Sure, sure. You've got some parts in the workshop.

There's some old car parts. There's some old, semi-pulled apart cars that you could scavenge around and get some extra seats or new seats or new tires, whatever you want to try to do. What I'd like to do is take all of the now-melted ice cream. Okay. If there is ice cream in there. Oh, for sure, yeah. Yeah, and just put it all into one of the big tubs

and situate it so that there's a pipe release. So if we need to, we could just spray the back of the road behind us with liquid ice cream. Great, all right, you've got an ice cream flick. I feel like if we take this sandbag and we use it to dump in other people's gas and oil tanks, we might be able to sabotage them. Very true, very true. I like it, I like it.

Go ahead, go ahead. No, please. I want to do two things. I want to start to combine, jury rig the kerosene and the t-shirt cannon together. To make a flamethrower or something that will shoot up rocket launcher. Okay, rocket launcher. and jury rig the kerosene and the t-shirt cannon together. To make a flamethrower or something that will shoot up rocket launcher? Okay, rocket launcher.

And I want to download Forza and start practicing. Okay, great, got it. I will definitely, and not in any interesting way, take the mast and attach it to the top of the fucking thing along with the sail, run a line down into the cabins to be opened at any time. Sure, sure. That's pretty good. It's not a bad idea.

In the interim, when we're doing this work, it'd be nice if all of us just spend a few days to focus really hard on Twisted Metal Black and a few other games here on the PS4. I mean, if we forgot it, might as well use it. I'm going to redesign the outside of it and put flame decals instead of the ice cream cones and a giant face of Vin Diesel on the top of it.

Ooh, Vin Diesel face. Scratch that. Instead of putting the mask on the top of the car, I'm actually going to run it horizontally through the car so at one point we can slide it out and unfurl the sail, blocking the view of the car next to it. My smart ass. Amazing. Amazing idea. That leaves more room for my Vin Diesel paper mache head on the top anyway.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! I take the rest of the barbecue tools, the tongs, all that stuff, and I want to jam it into free spaces in the sides of the tires so that we can drive up and down. Yeah! Oh, yes! Barbecue wheels.

I thought you were going to file them down into a shank or something. Did we get anything else? Is that all of our stuff? I have one thing. I have this locket that... You're so stupid, Rose! Your mother gave me. It's a picture of us having sex. Oh! It's probably the most valuable thing I own.

I mean, actually, it's like this. It's my weird hand. It's beautiful. And I'm sure this will come in handy at some point in the race. I don't know how yet, but I'm sure it will come in handy at some point in the race, I don't know how yet, but I'm sure it will find its way into the story. Why did you leave me, Dad? How long have you been following me on Animalgrams?

Your mother left me, and. Wow. And I don't follow you on Animalgrams. Then how did you know who I was when you saw me? Because. If you don't follow you on Animal Grounds. Then how did you know who I was when you saw me? Because... If you don't follow me. I can tell that you're really a skunk. And I saw it from the moment you walked in.

She ripped all of her fur off, and she's a fucking skunk under the fur. Holy shit! You're a skunk! That seems really extreme and abusive. I don't know how animals work either. Just like I don't know how this game works. Surprisingly Cronenberg-esque. That's how you explain your opposable thumbs.

I rip her thumbs off, too! Those were fake thumbs like my fake doll head. Everything feels a lie, just like the filters I put on my photos. You won't even be able to text now. At that moment, Goober realizes that the doors of the garage have been closed and you guys have been huffing carbon dioxide

for a long time and seeing some crazy shit happen. Carbon monoxide. I don't know anything! All the plants in here are fucking wicked! You're eating so much oxygen! So you guys are having some hallucinations over there. I'm not sure what's real and what isn't at this point, but let's just go with it.

Am I both? I don't know! He pops open the door. You guys seem to come back to your senses. You feel like you do have thumbs, at least. Your mother and I just parted ways. That's it, it's over. I don't know what the fuck I was talking about.

I'm really, really sorry I tried to rip your skin off. I don't know what I was thinking. You seem to have a lot of anger just being projected. Yeah, I've been living in a dumpster by myself for a very long time. Just wafting fresh air towards the bottom. Yeah, sorry. Good, good, good.

They're okay, we're okay. Over the next few days, you start working on the car, but Izzy notices, actually, after you lifted up the old garage door there, that across the street, she sees a little twinkle of light. It's a movie theater. It's right across the street, playing a weird week-long marathon of movies.

It's Fast and Furious. It's Triple X. It's Riddick. What about Pitch Black? Pitch Black. Kirby. The Pacifier. Bit part in Saving Private Ryan. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's say Knock Around. That's a movie that he did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Iron Giant. He was in Iron Giant? Let's say, Knock Around. That's a movie that he did. Yeah, yeah. And Iron Giant. He was in Iron Giant? He was in Iron Giant! Shit, I didn't know that!

Yeah! Really? What about Guardians of the Galaxy? Yeah. Root? No, they're not showing that one. Never heard of it. They could get the license appeal. They could get the license appeal. But they are playing Riddick Blindsided.

Are they playing Celebrity D&D? Oh! Deep cut! Boom! They're like Last Witch Hunter because he can make them shut up. Crit drop. So Izzy disappears for most of this, but she has a great week.

To find out how much of these tweaks to your car are going to stick, we're going to have to go to the mechanic of the group. Yeah. And we're going to have to ask you a mechanic quiz. Great. To make sure that your knowledge of car stuff is as good as you say that it is.

Oh fuck. Let's do it. Learn from the master. Travis, a shorter exhaust pipe would be louder or quieter than a longer one? Louder. One correct answer. The coin test for tires involves placing a penny

in the deepest tread of your tire with the Lincoln head facing the wheel. How much of the President should be covered for you to have safe and road-legal tires? Is it everything above his nose? Everything above his chin? Or as long as any part of his face is showing, you're okay. Everything above his chin? Incorrect, any part of his face is showing, you're okay. Everything above his chin?

Incorrect, any part of his face can be showing for that tire test. Wow. Goop. Which would be the least- The fuck is goop? I got hit in the headlight. You got to get two more right. You got to get two more right.

Which would be the least likely to have interchangeable parts? The least likely. Toyota and Lexus. Volkswagen and Audi. BMW and Mercedes. BMW and Mercedes. Correct! Toyota and Lexus, same problem.

Hmm, let me find a hard one. No, don't make it hard, motherfucker! Next on the list! U-joints are used to connect A, the car door to the body, B, one spinning shaft to another, C, oh shit, I didn't write down the correct answer. One spinning shaft to another. I didn't write down what the answer was. That's a gimme.

That's a gimme, you guys win. I made my dad proud. You made it with a technicality error. What was the last question? It was so easy. What does pole position refer to? Finishing first, finishing last, or starting first? The stripper.

I think it refers to the greatest game of the old school gaming circuit. I love it. Beep, beep. All right. And one of the greatest commercials for a video game out there, by the way. Chapter five, fast and loose ends.

You've been tweaking your ride for days. Izzy disappeared, and all of a sudden, Reggie Burns steps away for a late night smoke and sees a familiar face. Huh? How you doing? It's Big Pauly, a somewhat large rat, though much smaller than you, approaches. He's flanked by his two rat goons, medium Polly and slightly shorter Polly, each holding very tiny, adorable submachine guns. Oh my god, that's so cute.

Would they be rattling guns? Oh! I'm a dad! I'm a dad! I'm a dad! I shakily put out my cigarette. Hey, Pawlis! How's it going? I hear you're in the big race, Reggie Burns. You're not going to win, you understand me? What makes you say that? I mean, I've got the right kind of talent. We're working hard.

You're not going to win. I've got another way you can pay me back. I want you to take out the driver of the white car by any means necessary. I want him dead. I don't know what this accent is. You know who I'm, you'll know who I mean. He's a good looking fella, bald head. Drive dirty, do whatever it takes. End him and his car, and your debt will be wiped clean. And if you don't, I won't stop at killing you. I'll kill Maxine as

well. No, no, Maxine! Yeah! We've already got her. Little Polly, or slightly shorter P, show a little picture. He flashes his phone. Maxine looks fine. That's actually a really good picture. It's good lighting. She took a selfie of the camera. It's nice above angle, too, so it doesn't show the chin line.

It's a good one. I know! Okay, Pauly, whatever it takes, Pauly. I'll do this for you. All right. I hope I've established enough conflict. I'll do this for you. All right. I hope I've established enough conflict. I'm going to leave now.

All right. Chapter six, Furry Road. Yes. You're in an industrial section of El Segundo. Cars are everywhere. Tensions are high. Fellas are everywhere, tensions are high. Fellas are dressed to the nines, ladies wear their fanciest nighttime duds.

There's even a few low-level celebrities who've come out to watch. The situation is there, Jersey Shore. Dane Cook has shown up. It's a bit of a scene. Just a bit of a scene. Just a bit. It's a prop comedy show, isn't it? Grecian settles down the crowd gathered at the starting line. He introduces the final racers. Welcome to the Rodent Championships. Tonight, you'll be racing to the LAX runway number six.

From the crowd, somebody says, there ain't no runway number six. And Grecian says, I know, it's still under construction. You're going to be the first to make it to the end of that runway, and one of you is going to become a legend. Now let's introduce you guys. In the green car, Victor Von Vroom.

Vroom. While this is being set up, I'm reapplying the beard and glasses of the disguise that I have. Quick, quick, back into the coat! All right, all right, get up top. Shit, where's my other cars? Oh yeah, here it is. Saskaw, an adorable little mini roadster racer coming into the vehicle as an equally cute young racer. She has pigtails and a poodle skirt. She's cute as a button. As she approaches her car, she flips everybody off

and moons the crowd. Extremely. No one's cuter than I am. Where's the other one? Where's the other one? I've lost all the racers. It's okay, guys, I'm a professional Dungeons & Dragons player.

Nope, nope, not there. Nope, nope, here they are. Yes, where's Mother Trucker? Mother Trucker. Where is he? He's gone, here he is. No, I can't find him. I got to go to my Bag of Tricks. Here's Mother Trucker. Mother Trucker.

There we go. A tweaked out GMC pickup that looks steady, but slow, but very, very firm. Next is actual Vin Diesel. You see, with Paparazzi flanking him, he gets out of a limo, walks across the street, and gets into a souped up, I forgot to, what is that? That's movie accurate, it was a supra.

It was a supra? Good, I looked it up for sure. Oh yeah, oh yeah, yeah. It's got a supercharged engine. He looks super fine. He looks straight over at you, Izzy, and does some finger guns. In the eye and the sleeve. Your one arm falls out.

Yes. Oh, wow! Izzy, come on! Next up, you've got the champion, AKA Roadkill. Ooh! Oh no! He's an enormous dude in a brown velour jumpsuit. He steps into a yellow and blue customized Ferrari

with claws on front, its hood ornamented with a raccoon skull. Fucking dude. Ring goes toothy, snout just pokes through between two buttons at the navel of our fake costume and just goes. He stares back at you for a second, and for a little moment, you look into his eyes

and they flash yellow. Something is different about Roadkill. He grins at you, and you know that he knows that you know that he knows that you know that he killed your cousin. Scraps. And our last racer, this guy on a motorcycle. The winner. Oh wait, where was you?

Where was you? Where was me? Oh no, I'm sorry. I forgot, I forgot, the very last racer. What was your guys' names again? Well, Mr. Fasting. No, no, what'm sorry, I forgot, I forgot, the very last race. What was your guys' names again? Well, Mr. Fasty. No, no, what was your name name? Sprocket. Sprocket.

Sprocket running Mr. Fasty. Mr. Fasty comes out to the starting line looking way better and way more souped up than it used to be. Now, before we take off, can I try and take some time to take my sandbags and go in and maybe dump some sand in the car, too? Sure, let's go ahead and make that an alacrity check.

Which car would you like to focus on? Definitely Victor Von Vroom, because he fucked us last time. There's a coffin in the middle of the road. There's another car. We're not at the airport yet, we're in the streets just outside of the airport. Even better.

Like El Segundo, littered with coffins. Yeah, for sure there are. I want there. Just say there's an October car over here, why not? Yeah. Yeah. All right, so make an alacrity check. So which one? You're doing Victor Von Vroom?

Victor Von Vroom. That's two successes. Two successes. You definitely get to unscrew the gas cap of his car. Yes, there you go. Shouldn't be proud of that. You shouldn't. And pour in.

How do you put gas in your car? How does that work for you? He has a manhouse, does that for him. So, there is that button on the side of the gas station that says ring for attendance. Sam has been walking everywhere since the second week he owned a car when he was 16, So, there is that button on the side of gas stations that says ring for attendance. Sam has been walking everywhere since the second week he owned a car when he was 16,

because he has not figured out. Can you feed my car? What are these gas stations you speak of? I've gone to gas valets, where you just sit there and wait, and eventually someone comes out and will fill you up to get rid of you. Because you're blocking traffic to the gas pump. Oh my god. Okay.

You definitely get plenty of sand in there. Victor Von Vroom turns around right at the last second, but all he sees is a shadow disappear. All right, the cars are all starting their engines and getting ready for the big race. You're on North Center Street right now. You know where you're going. At the appropriate time, Grecian flicks a switch

and 150 highway flares light up down the streets in front of you, illuminating the path of the race as it twists and turns. Tensions are high. The hearts in your tiny little bodies are probably beating at, I don't know, 200 beats per minute now? Up from the normal 180 that they probably are at? That's pretty damn fast.

Well, I beat their tiny little hearts. All right, anything you want to prepare before this race begins? Can I get online and see if I can dox any of the drivers that are there? Sure, sure. It's just got internet. I really have, I've got a phone.

She goes on the dark web, she puts out a contract real quick. It's actually really easy, you don't even have to roll for it, it happens. You just use a bit link, it's really great. As this is happening, I'm going to go ahead and quickly jump out to the side to where the barbecue utensils that are placed on the side of the wheels. I'm going to go ahead and quickly jump out to the side to where the barbecue utensils that are placed in the side of the wheels.

I'm going to pull off whatever is the sharpest looking tongs or fork and just slip it and hide it into my cast. Oh. Strong. Strong. Nasty. I've not been able to move past my terrible wreck where I lost my arm, and so human Blair is too drunk to create some beautiful moment with his daughter, so I'll just say we had a wonderful moment where I told her

how much I loved her at the Spiker, et cetera, et cetera. Yeah, that's great, Dad. I rip off my doll hand, put it on the hood of the car, the ice cream truck, and then I just pulled just in. Yes! And that's on the front of the car. That's amazing. Oh my god, wait, Dad, let's take a selfie in front of it. We got a. Oh my god! You get a cool point for that. Wait, Dad, let's take a selfie in front of it.

We got a cool point for this. You got a cool point for that. Hang on, wait, hold on. Hang on, can I actually take this selfie now that we're doing this, just because it's here? She said, yeah. Oh my god. All right, I'm going to grab the PS4 controller

and just loop it around like Charlotte. Oh, I know what you're up to. I'm going to fan blood. I'm going to paint that War Controller and just loop it around. Oh, I know what you're up to. Hungry for man blood. I'm going to paint that. That's really important. I'm going to put on some lipstick. Sure. Great.

Oh, just in case? That's right. Oh, I need a bear fur. You find some in the glove compartment. Did the Golden Gate Ridge appear on the fucking El Segundo? That's an inspiring art tool. All right.

At the start of the race, Grecian steps forward in front of all the cars, takes out his flag, and raises it up, starting the race. I think I'm going to need you all to lock in your answers about what you want to do. We should explain, if you recall. Oh, I'm not in the car anymore. Oh, you're not? You're staying in the hut?

No, I stepped out. I can't, I couldn't do it. So we had that moment, that three to four minute moment. Feel free to step in the car whenever you want, you can be a part of it. I'm just on the sideline right now. I haven't been able to move past it. Here's what we'll do. Perhaps something happens when I jump in later.

As you're waiting there, you realize that when they close the back of the ice cream truck, part of your tail got caught in the back doors. You don't realize yet that you might be dragged along. Guys, guys! But also, this makes sense, so okay. So fine. I'm okay with a long, awkward goodbye.

I'm a skunk that's been living in a dumpster. What do I have to live for? All right, lock in your answers. This race is about to start. On the count of three, show me what you got. One, two, three, go! Five. Okay, five.

Two. Two. Two. Two. Oh no! You fucking... We should've just let Travis steer. He was doing great at it before. Five, two, two, two. We got one more person in there, right?

I said two. Two. Holy fuck, we're going the wrong way. Does that mean we just go in a... Well, you got to do the math, right? 30-degree turns. How many turns? As Grecian steps away, all the cars start to move forward, except the green one. Black Smoke sputters out of his engine. He can't seem to get it going. He just sputters to a stop right at the

start line. Everyone else takes off at blistering speed, including the guy in motorcycle. Everyone is confused as to why he's there. You guys take off at a blistering acceleration and turn, and turn, and turn. You guys are facing this way. You weirdly miss Victor Von Brue and are facing the wrong way. There's a crowd of people back here watching the race. You are headed straight for them, very fast, only about 10 miles an hour. I'll roll.

Shit! Weirdly, as you go around Victor Von Vroom, he clips your wheel and you guys suffer a damage point. Oh! Come on! All right, you guys are not off to a great start, but the race continues as you see the other cars blazing down the tracks, fighting with each other for pole position. Saskar cuts in and skids with Mother Trucker. There's already some contact. They fall behind.

These guys have moved a little bit into the lead. I don't know what Roadkill's going to do when he gets to that car. We'll find out the next round. What do you guys want to do? We use a cool point. You have one to spin. And spin around completely and start going.

Do the full spin around. There's a whole reverse thing you were talking about, too. Izzy finishes putting on her lipstick, tosses it in the back, and spins the wheel around hard left into the turn, which does an amazing donut, spinning you all the way around twice, narrowly hitting all the spectators,

and then you're off to the races. The paparazzi goes crazy. Dane Cook pisses his pants. Again. It's a bit, you guys. It's a bit. The situation just goes, because I don't know anything about the situation. All right. Lock in your answers for this next round. What would you like to do? I am just a dangling corpse on the back of this truck.

You can figure out what you want to do, too. I've just been in an aggressive 720-degree spin hanging out of the back of an ice cream cart. Read out your numbers. Oh, I put the wrong number. Five. Five. Five. Two.

Another left turn. Okay, everybody skitters down to the bottom. It kicks into full gear. You guys are already making way and catching up to these other two cars. These guys, Vin Diesel did an amazing move to spin around this car. Roadkill blasts into this car, flipping it, no problem. It's like he's impervious. Guy in motorcycle gets hit by this car and dies. No! He should never have been in the race, I miscounted.

He didn't even have a name. I miscounted. You guys are going super fast, and you turn a little bit just to narrowly avoid the coffin in the street. Good job! Everyone else got five? Yeah, that's good. Good job!

One, two, three, four, so we're not 50 miles an hour. Okay, I will roll five, but also, Blair, what are you trying to do, hanging on for dear life from the back of that tree? Yeah, I'm still surviving. I'll make an impact at some point, but I'm still dangling. You guys, you just got four cool points for that. Yeah! Wait, so how many do we have? Four. Okay, okay, okay. What are you trying to do? I'll make an impact at some point, but I'm still dangling. You just got four cool points for that. Yeah! Wait, so how many do we have?

Four. Okay, okay, okay. You're just, what are you trying to do? I'm just dangling, I'm still dangling. I'm enjoying watching this happen. Because what you guys don't understand, I'm also a fan of you guys, and so if anything, this whole charity thing has just got me

a front row ticket to watching your show. I'm going to take advantage of that while I have the opportunity to do so. You were on the ass end of two entire 360s. So you're pulling some G-forces up there. That's okay. I'm a fictional scum. It's okay.

Forget some of this. Sass Car sees you fast approaching and turns around, flips you guys off, and sees that you're a rather hairy individual, uses her sassy skills to throw an insult at you. She says, You're so hairy, when you were born, you gave your mom a rug burn.

I need you all to roll for rotundity to see if you can withstand the insult. How dare she? Ooh! Two successes. Failure. Three successes. Three successes. One success. Okay. Goober, this hits you real hard.

You've been told your whole life that you're hairier than a normal raccoon. That's why you always retreated to your workshop to work in the dark. It's true. You have hairy paws, hairier than normal. I let go of the accelerator and look at my hair. You guys slow down just a little bit. No!

She's so good. You never perfected the art of raccoon scaping. Mother Trucker has released from the back of his truck a whole bunch of just junk, sharp junk. We'll say knives. Boxes of sharp junk. Boxes of knives. Boxes of knives. You guys are going to have to either swerve to avoid

or just barrel through these knives on your next round, which is coming up right now. Lock in those answers, what do you got? Ah, shit. Three, two, one. Three. Six. What, wait. Sorry.

Three. Five. Five. Six. Five. Okay, so three accelerations, a turn left. Oh, a turn right, a turn right. A turn right to avoid the knives,

which are right here. You can't even call that a round here! So you guys barely avoid the knives. Let's see if one clips you guys, because you guys are going pretty fast now. You're at 80 now. It's so hard! Okay, two knives tear into the side of the car.

Just at the window. One wheel is looking a little raggedy. You got three hit points now. You're also at eight cool points to do amazing stuff with. He's just at the inside of the ice cream window. Who said six? Who was six? I did. Okay, what would you like to do, Rhinestone? Can I use those cool points and be like, Reggie, hold my tail!

And reach down and grab two of those knives that have just embedded into our wheels? Sure, Reggie, can you make an alacrity check? No, strength check, a ferociousness check to see if you can hold onto her as she dangles. Is it like, I got you, Redstone! Fuck!

What? Out of four dice, one, one, one, three, all failure. Oh! Okay, he's definitely got you firmly. You hang out of the car, you grab one knife, but pulling it out, the leverage is too tough. Pulling out the knife drops you to the ground, and you are now outside the car.

Where are my raccoons at? Here's one. As the big ice cream truck pulls away, you are definitely going to be left behind. Oh! I'm going to just automatically burn three cool points. It works, it works. You did it!

I love you, Dad! Dad reaches out with his claw hand, grasping for your hand. The hands come so close and miss, but the locket is dangling. Oh no! It's laughing in the wind, and it grabs onto the locket by the neck,

pulls her back up into the car, into the back of the ice cream truck. We knew it would come back somehow, and it did. So a rhinestone is temporarily safe. You guys burned a bunch of cool points. You're down to four cool points now. Who's got five cool points? Such a rad CDN.

She burned one to do her thing as well. Oh yeah, four. Mom's always with me. Okay, and you guys sped up a great deal. You're shooting off in this direction. Everybody else has made a lot of headway. You see coming up, as we make this drift behind you, Tokyo style, you're coming up upon this gate.

It doesn't look like many of you can fit through the gate of the LAX airport all at once. At least they're all going to try at the same time. You guys are coming up pretty fast on the side. What's on each side of the gate? Oh, sorry. Dwarven horse? That's when you're on Subotica. Oh shit. Just solid brick walls?

Solid brick walls. I don't know why they built this at LAX. Dammit, dammit. Yeah, why did they do this? Yep, definitely. Also, there's some orphans who just so happen to be here. Orphans? They're crossing the street to get home. Yeah. They don't have a home, they're orphans.

They live in the orphanage. Oh, yeah. You live in the Southwest Terminal, right? You can tell they're orphans because they're all wearing I'm with Orphans t-shirts. But they're adorable. You wouldn't want to hurt them, I hope.

All right, on this next move, we'll need to know what you guys are going to do. Lock in your answers. Blair and Marisha, you guys are in the back of the car. I don't think you can participate in this round of driving. I'm in pain because of how any of this works. You're going to make your way back to the front, back inside the vehicle.

I've only got one of them now. Okay, lock in your numbers. Ready, three, two, one, what are those numbers? Six. Six, okay. Two. Turn. Six. Action.

Six. Three actions and a turn, okay. You guys are aiming a little bit closer to the entrance of the gate. Everybody else is gonna try to slam through it, and they can all just fit. Oh, wow, amazing, all right. Dude, Emerson was doing the same thing. All right.

Give me your actions, please. I'll run down, and I'll be like, this is it. What the fuck is your name? Ringo! And I'll slide the mast out the left side of the car and extend it as a way for him to get out to jump onto one of the vehicles when we get closer. Also, the sail unfurls,

creating a little drag on the left side, allowing us to turn to the left a little bit more. All right. Hold on. Oh man. You pull out a sailboat. I know! This is amazing!

Did you just raid your kids' toys? Of course you did. Yeah. They went to bed so sad. Yeah. It's not sticky enough. There's a big empty toy box. Crew, we're going this.

Just play with this pillowcase, kids. All right, all that's in motion. Thank you, Daniel. Here, here's some more tape. If this tape doesn't work, use the gaff tape, yeah. Gaff tape. Thanks, Max. Thanks.

On the side of it, yeah. Do I have to roll for that or anything, or it just happens? Yeah, go ahead and roll, I don't know, sure, yeah. Chutzpah. Chutzpah, sure, yeah, chutzpah. Chutzpah, okay, plus the item dice and, oh shit. One, two, three, three successes. You needed two, that's great.

All right, the sale is unfurled. Next action, Ringo, right? Yeah, so I take the PS4 controller, I use the cord, and I slide out along the entire length of the mast and aim, try to aim my improvised rocket launcher at the asshole. Are you going to try to fire? Yes.

Who's the asshole? Roadkill. Roadkill, okay. Just wanted to make sure. Vin Diesel a little bit, but mostly Roadkill. All right. Are you going to fire? I love Pitch Black. Yes, I love Pitch Black. Are you firing? Yes.

Okay, go ahead and roll for... I don't know, Matt, how do I do this? Ferociousness. Ferociousness? It's not really strength, but it is fierce. Yeah, go for ferociousness. And the rules say an extra die if it's part of your story and two extra dies if it's the core of your story. It certainly is.

Yeah, this is going to be a real hard shot. You're going to need to get three successes here. Oh man. Zero. No! Are you serious? Four twos, a three, and a one. Oh my god, wow!

On six dice. Wow, all right. The rocket is expertly aimed and fires straight at Roadkill, but in his rear view mirror, he sees it coming. His heads up display actually warns him of it. He hits a couple of buttons, and we'll say a catcher's mitt comes

out from behind it in the back of his car, catches it, and redirects it towards one of the other cars. It's headed right for Vin Diesel. Let's see if it hits. So in a way, it was a success. Fails. Success! Fail. Oh! Thank god. It shoots off past the diesel car towards the orphans. No! No! Oh my god! Misses the orphans.

Still looking for a source of heat, finds Guy in motorcycle. No! Thank you, Guy! Is that crawling his way out of the wreckage? Yeah. That's so much for the time. All right. It's like crawling its way out of the wreckage. This one has a vampire. All right.

I think I beat the odds. Pew! Do you want me to do my action? Yes, go ahead, action. All right, looking at this and seeing, one, probably the fact that we won't clear the bridge. Well, this is on the side. I know, but even so, I'm going to go,

ah, ah! I'm going to go ahead and rush to the back, because you mentioned at the very beginning that there was a can of nitrous that was attached to the back of this, right? Sure, sure. I'm going to go ahead and attempt to detonate the nitrous towards the back to see if I can cause us to jump over the gate.

Amazing, okay. I'm going to use the cool points to help out with this. We got four cool points. Yes, okay, using all the cool points will make this a lower DC, but you're still going to have to roll for it. You can choose the stat. Oh, it's going to be Ferociousness.

Ferociousness, all right. Go ahead and roll. Maxine, I'm coming for you! This is a hard one. Oh, you're calling out Maxine's name, you get another extra dice. All right. This is going to be in slow motion. Witness me! Two successes. This is going to be in slow motion. Witness me!

Two successes. Two is what you need. I definitely was holding up two fingers. Two is what you need. There's a huge explosion at the back of the ice cream truck. It flips up over Free, Free Willy style. Dubstep!

Over and over and over and over. You raccoons have never felt G-forces like this ever before, and never will again as you there. In the lead! Yes! As the car flipped, Ringo, those swirly ferris wheels also did additional ring arounds. On the mast. All right, so you guys are currently in the lead. There's a big turn coming up that we should probably highlight somehow. It's a hairpin turn, guys. Let's see how you guys deal with this. Oh! They have math and everything.

And there's all sorts of construction equipment. Oh no! We made it on the five! Oh no! Remember where you placed everything when you were designing this level. Sure, I definitely know what I'm doing. Where's the dick-shaped hallway and the pepper shaker?

And orphans, too. No! You're going to put me through a curfew in this orphanage? Orphan day? I'm going to take your orphan to work day. All right, you guys are coming up on this construction vehicle. You're going to have to probably swerve to avoid it.

Also, you can see Roadkill is arming some sort of weapon, so just be prepared for that on this next roll through. How much, now if we're moving 80, how many? Oh god. We'll say 50. Yeah, because we're landing, 50. You took two more damage points, but got two more cool points.

You're at five damage. If you get to 10, then your car will stop. Oh man. And you'll have to fix it. Okay, so yeah, that big jump took a little bit out of the car. The back suspension is looking pretty ragged. One of the wheels is teetering on the brink of falling off.

It's weird when he knows things. Yeah. Also, the ram shaft is unramming. We're back to what I thought. Yeah. Ram shaft. The Detroit Pistons are firing. Oh good.

Okay, what would you like to do on this next round? Please dial in your answers. By now, Rhinestone and Baldpaw have reached the front, and you could help in this steering. What do I do here? You pick a number and you end the round. You pick a number on the dice to put face up of what you want to do. Okay, great, cool.

I have some water. You're talking when you do this. Yeah, hey man. Jesus. You're doing great. All right, let's reveal the answers right now. What you got? One. Okay. Six. Okay. Six.

Six. Six. Oh shit. Five. Okay, at least one of us. Six. Okay. So as Goober hits the brakes, Bald Paul sidles up next to him and leans, looking at his work, and hits the accelerator. You guys are- This is going to do nothing!

Are causing some quirky, quirky motions. Trying to save someone up to the rear of the vehicle. Uh-huh, and a whole bunch of sixes. What would you like these sixes to do, guys? Start with Laura Bailey, thank you. Oh, I want to pop open the back door and use that ice cream, melted ice cream that we talked about, and pour it out so everybody's.

Slicks off? Yes, it makes an oil slick on the ground. Okay, we'll do a- And while I do it, I want to go and make eyes at Vin Diesel. Ooh, Vin Diesel definitely sees it. With my belly hanging out, because I only got the shirt.

I don't have any pants, so it's just like, you know what, crop top tied. Sure. So I'm just like... Vin Diesel, trying to focus on the road, looks up at you for a moment. Kind of like a pregnant belly. Sees your pregnant belly. And is momentarily intrigued, instinctively,

because if you do this to Vin Diesel, he will instinctively do it back. So he does it back. He can't even fight, he tries to fight it, but he feels weird about it. But you guys definitely had a moment. The ice cream falls out of the back of the vehicle.

With the tube, remember? It was like. Oh, you're making it a wider spray? All right. I'll say it's this one. Yeah! All right, so you're going to get the front of one of Vyn's wheels and both of Mother Trucko's wheels. All right, we'll see what they do on the next move. Liam, what was your action? So I'm still holding onto the PS4 controller, like looping around and around,

and I want to use the momentum to whip it free and fly through the air and land on top of... Roadkill. Roadkill's car, that's his name. Okay, that's a big jump. You'll have to get at least the number I'm holding up right now. Okay. There's nothing.

I'm going to say it's chutzpah plus two because it's the core of my story. Oh yes, and if you'd like to use some cool points, I'll take this down from a three to a two. I will use a cool point. Okay, you'll use both cool points, you're down to zero again. Oh shit.

Zero cool points? Yes. Okay. No, no, just one cool point. Zero! Zero again! What?! No! Five dice, zero. What did you do?! All right. Stop trying to kill!

All right, Ringo. Maybe. Ringo flies through the air towards Roadkill. Sometimes there's character deaths, guys. Yeah. You can't die, We can't die. No, raccoons can't die in this game. It's in the rules.

It's in the rules. It tells us so much more about the game's creator, doesn't it? And we can lose hands, apparently. Roadkill, his heads-up display goes haywire. Instinctively, he hits a few buttons, and out of the front of his car, swings up two claws to catch you in. They're both going to take swipes at you, all rolled, to see if they hit. I don't know. That one misses.

That one misses! All right, you dodged both claws, but you do land on the top of his car and are thrown back, barely hanging on by a fin. You're just barely hanging on. You can't do anything from this position, but maybe try to get back on. Sure, sure, sure. You're not dead.

Also, he's turned on his afterburners. You're getting singed again. It does not feel good. Who else had an action over here? I do. Okay, what is it? Okay, I'm going to take the dagger that I scooped up from the road, or the knife, or shrapnel, whatever you said it was.

Is that a knife? Yeah, I'm whatever you said it was. Is it a tire? Yeah, I'm going to throw it at the exterminator. I'm going to try and go for a tire. By the trucker? No, the exterminator. Vin Diesel. Or Sassi. Sassi. Oh, sorry, Sassi. Sassi. Sorry, can't.

Sassi car, can't keep track of all the cars. Sassi car. Okay, and you're aiming for a tire? Yeah, trying to throw them off. All right, it's going to be a three to hit unless you use a cool point to knock it down to two. You don't have any cool points. Yeah, I'm giving you one back. One left, I'll try it.

Okay, two. I'm going to take it. Nope, one success, one success. Oh no, the knife goes errant. Fuck! And flies past the orphans, but does not hit any of them. Did not work, I'm so sorry. All right, you guys are going, what did we say, 40, 50? I still have an action.

Oh, you have an action. All right, Matt, what's your action? So I rush to go do the ice cream thing, but see it's already being done. However, what I do see in the distraction is one bald-headed gentleman who could solve all my problems. The guy in the white car.

However, not having any sort of cabling to give me, I'm going to go ahead and look at the open back doors that are just flapping there, and I'm going to turn to Izzy and say, I'm sorry. What I got to do, what I got to do. What? I'm going to leap and grab the door,

and you swing and try and leap towards the windshield of Vin Diesel's car. All right, this is central to your backstory. You'll get two extra dice. I guess alacrity is what you'll do. Well, as I'm through the air, shink! Just like Assassin's Creed,

the barbecue fork comes out of the cast. Bonus dice. Bonus dice. You get at least four dice to roll. You need two to hit. Don't you assassinate my core story! All failures! Oh my god!

It's not always like this, right? What is it? Yeah, it's hard. All right. Whoa. We got a raccoon here. We got a raccoon here. All right, you land on this car. But you can't find Purchase. You're hanging off the spoiler,

and it's not fun. You look over to Ringo. Ringo looks back at you. You guys are barely hanging on the backs of these cars, not doing anything. What are you doing? What are you doing? All right. You also, guys, kept going forward straight into this vehicle. It's going to slow you down a bit, but you do manage to crush whatever that was, firetruck. These guys all go forward. Roadkill has no problem moving ahead. He's going to take that turn on the inside, no problem. Ringo's right there. Vin Diesel was going to be fine, but he skids out a little bit on the ice cream and also smacks into the back of the fire

truck. Mother Trucker does a full 360 spin out and it keeps going and he's stuck there. Saskar, around the outside, no problem. She's doing great. You are momentarily hung up on the fire truck. I'm going to put your speed back to, let's say, zero. You're going to have to start over again, but so has Vin Diesel's. Next round, get ready for what you want to do. Blair, everybody, get set. You're going to steer. You can't call out what you're going to do. Oh, deduction. No!

What, no, what? Penalty! Penalty. No conferring in bold letters. What's conferring mean? Telling each other the truth. All right, guys, lock in your answers. Tell me what you want to do on this next round. Two.

I've tried to find the five. You always steer. No, no. I like it. I wrote it, I took it to breaks last time. Six. Five. Four. We are aggressively turning to the left together.

You and I. So how many fives were there, two fives? Three fives, no, two fives. Two fives. So you guys are off the left together. You and I. So how many fives were there, two fives? Three fives, no, two fives. Two fives, so you guys are off the firetruck. And a six. You turn to the left, oh, it looks like you're trying to cut off roadkill as he goes forward. That was it, that was the plan, that was the move.

Nice, don't you regret it. All right, and now let's go to the actions. Who did four? Four is me. Okay, what use item would you like to do? I'm going to use my barbecue fork to T-1000 my way across the top of the car. And try and smash in the windshield. All right, it's much easier to do

now that the car has momentarily stopped. You'll still need to roll an alacrity check. It's alacrity. Yep. Do I still get the bonuses from being part of the party? Oh yeah, this is your core story, man, yeah. Oh god. One success. That's all you needed.

You quickly make your way to the sunroof and pry it open with your good raccoon hand. That is the hand that is also holding the blade, though, so you can't, in the same action, stab. No, no. You see that beautiful, bald pate of head. You can almost see your reflection in it. And for a moment, you look in your eyes

and you see the madness in them. And you're torn. What am I doing? Am I going to kill Hollywood celebrity Vin Diesel? What have I become? All right, that's going to be your turn. Yeah, definitely. Who rolled any other fours or sixes?

Six. Six, what are you doing? I'm going to scurry into the window if I can, and I'm going to loop this controller's cord around his neck and pull! All right, you're going to try to get the door open. Okay, sure. Or the sunroof open. That's the long-term goal. Any kind of window, yeah. So go for strength for that.

That's ferociousness. Just one success. This is, yeah, just one success. I can't promise it, I can't promise it. Two bonus attacks. One, two, just two, though. You definitely pop open the window. Roadkill is so surprised to see anyone

who could have survived his Wolverine claws. You killed my cousin Scraps. You broke my family. You made me less of a raccoon! He looks at you and with sort of a robot voice says, and you'll be next. He swerves to the right and throws you from the vehicle. You're going to land. He's going to not go forward. He's going to do a hard turn to the right, but he'll throw you from the vehicle out the window, and you're going to land on that piece of construction

equipment. You're okay, but he's also not going to slam into any of those things. He's going this way. He's going to try to sneak his way through. Vin Diesel has recovered and does not see you above him, so he's going to pull out and start putting on some speed. Saskar is doing great! She's pulled ahead! As she goes, she turns back to you guys and says, You're so ugly, cats keep trying to bury you in their litter box! Everybody make a rotundity check.

Okay. Two. Four. Success. One success. One success is more than four, right? One success. Wow, this is plenty good. Everybody's fine. That insult was not as cleverly crafted.

She's frustrated, but she guns it, and she's still ahead. Okay, oh god. Okay, so we're moving into another round of moves. You guys are moving forward. you're behind Sass Car. It seems like Roadkill, he's got all kinds of turbo boosters. He's made his way around to this side of you,

and Vin Diesel's coming up the rear. You guys are still in this. What would you like to do? Lock in your answers. Four. Oh, oh, four. Six. No one's driving the car. Four. Oh, oh, four. Six. No one's driving the car. Six.

I can't, I'm not in it. I guess I'll just turn right. No! At 10 miles an hour, you guys are turning right. I laboriously turn right into Roadkill. 20 miles an hour, you guys are turning right. I laboriously turn right into Roadkill. 20 miles an hour, you guys are turning to the right. You take a little bit more damage. That's six damage as Roadkill

But look at you, look at our tires relative to his car. He doesn't really damage us so much as we run over him a little bit. He's got little holes that open up in the side of the car and darts fly out into your tires. If he comes too close, he runs into one of our wheel things. Okay, yeah. He's so concentrated on his robotic controls that he doesn't notice that there is a barbecue tong

sticking out of the wheel in front of him. What is that screaming? His computer systems try to identify it, but can't fast enough. Let's see what it does. I'm rolling. I don't know what I'm rolling. Ooh, bad stuff. All right, it takes a big chunk out of his front wheel. It definitely slows him down, and it spins him out a little, so he slams into the side of this adorable service truck with a tank engine. Sass Car is totally gone off the map. She's doing great. Vin Diesel is coming forward. He's looking for an opening. You guys just, what did you do? You just turned this way? We turned right.

Yeah, so you guys collided. Oh, you're smashing him into the vehicle, which is great. Nice! Good moves, good moves. All into the vehicle, which is great. Nice! Good moves, good moves. All right, Matt, what are you doing? Thinking of Polly's words, slow motion, like the really close zoom in of his lips going, or whatever the fuck he said, I don't remember. Sure. But it was bad,

and it was very scary. Yeah. About how he'll kill me. Or kill Maxine, or you. Yeah, he'll kill Maxine, he's got my lady. I see her looking so happy in that photo, and I'm not there, and that bothers me, and I sit there looking at the shiny fork because I'm holding onto the edge, the wind blowing through my fur, and I go,

I loved you in both Riddick movies. I'm going to attempt to aim for the base of his neck. Go for it, go for it. Can I take my action? You can definitely take your action at the same exact time as you see this, yes. I want to throw out my banana peel in front of Vin Diesel's car.

That is an item that she has. I have an item, just so he spins out a little bit, because I can see. Yeah, absolutely. He's about to be assassinated, and I want to throw you off the car. Let's do a ferociousness check. Yeah, for you, and this is central to your backstory.

So two extra dice, you roll four dice for this. Plus one for the item. Yeah, and Matt, you'll be rolling for your strike as well, a ferociousness check, let's roll simultaneously. With two dice, because it's central to my backstory? Absolutely. And then one for using an item? Contested. Sure, yeah.

Oh, you're using an item, too, one extra dice for you. I actually did. Okay. All right, let's do it. Five successes! Yeah, no, she beats me. Oh! The banana peel flies in slow motion through the air,

splatting into the road. Vin Diesel's already wet front tire from the ice cream hits it, jams, stops rolling completely. No, no, no. Yes, because the banana peel goes up into the wheel well. Oh, man. Getting caught in the ab.

Getting caught in the distance shift. And the inside of the wheel is the ab. The ab is all gumption. Accentuator? Yes, yes. Axles? The axles? The axle pinions in and racks back. Yeah!

And can't unrack. The tire pops instantly, and the car is sent into a big spin, throwing our good friend Reggie Burns Towards us! Towards you! I rolled seven dice and got one success. Oh no! He's flying right towards you. You've seen him betray you. Are you going to try to catch him, or are you going to let him fall down onto the pavement, onto the tarmac?

I'm going to catch him. I'm a good friend. All right, so you catch him and pull him back in. She just saw you try to kill her hero. She's looking at you with those Laura Bailey eyes. Immediately, tears begin to stream to my face. I'm so sorry! Don't be. I'm so, so sorry! It's okay!

This is just like a scene in one of those movies that I watch. She pulls me in and I just hold her. The forks are jammed out from the back. You can kill the paper mache Vin Diesel on top of the truck. Okay, you guys are so great. You get a cool point for that.

Yeah! All right, Blair, anyone else? Was there anyone else doing an action? I can't play an action. Okay, what's your action? Mine's simple. I just want to get video of Sass Car and the terrible things that she says, and then I start tweeting a smear campaign. Just all the terrible, you know, hashtag neo-Nazi, hashtag antifa, hashtag ISIS. Just all of them. Just everything. Just all of them,

and I'm like, Sass Cart, such a bitch. Can you roll a chutzpah check? Yes, I can. To see how fast you can enter these tweets and posts. Do I get bonuses because I'm using an item of mine? People were saying that. Absolutely, and if you tell me that you're also doing this to try to impress your father, another bonus. Oh, I'm trying to impress you. Sure, that. Absolutely. And it seems like a thing that I try to do. And if you tell me that you're also doing this to try to impress your father, another bonus.

Oh, I'm trying to impress you. Sure, sure. Okay. Good story, sure. Everything's related. Daddy issues. Three successes. Oh, so impressed! Wow. So impressed. It gets, okay, your first post gets picked up

by a medium to large blogger. Oh my god. How it starts. Who reposts it. Jezebel picks it up. What? Yeah, front page. It goes kind of viral. Because it focuses on women on women insults,

and why do we need to be like that? Totally. We should be supportive of each other. Which is horrible. Yeah, not only that, in Sass Car's car, her phone starts buzzing like crazy. Yeah, she's instantly fired. She's lost all of her retirement savings.

There's a hashtag about her, fire Sass. Yes, yeah. The whole boycott Sass. Yeah, it's not going well. The internet is taking revenge. Lost all sponsorships. Zastik. Zastik.

I don't think there's a roll for extra dice for an item, but, eh. It's okay. It's okay, we're good, we're good. It's okay, all right. I have one. I might actually use this game. Oh, you still have an action?

Yeah. Jesus, this is a long game. I abandon the steering wheel and the gas pedal, and I run and I take the kerosene, and I use my grappling hook to climb outside of the car and knowing that it'll make it fast, according to my backstory, I shove the kerosene in the gas tank for an extra burst of turbo.

Yeah, you can use that new cool point I gave you. Go ahead. And that's for backstory and item. Alacrity? Yep. Sure. Jesus. It works. So you're shoving in the rocket launcher? The kerosene. The kerosene

into the back, which as we car experts know, will definitely give it an afterburner. Just like petrol. Yeah. You guys blast ahead. Catching up to Sassgar. Don't worry, though. What's-his-face is right on your tail.

Let's go to another map. Oh no, Liam's left behind. We'll deal with that in a second. Oh no! Oh no! All right. Back to the straightaway map. So many dead orphans.

Back to the straightaway. It looks like you guys are nearing the end of the race. Oh jeez. You see a straightaway, it's pockmarked with holes. There's still a couple, there's some barrels. There's this guy. You're probably going to be a prophet. You're going to be a anti-E being a prophet. You're in the Metai Circle.

Very far off the road. This is the Maniac Mansion tie-in right here. Yeah, what else I got? Oh, the airport police is coming in on you guys. You guys are up here. Let's see, where was Roadkill? Where'd I put him? He's hot on your tail. Mother Trucker is probably still in the race, but he's way too far back. Vin Diesel, what about Vin Diesel? Oh, Vin Diesel is definitely still in the race. And he's right by.

Yeah, he's back here, right? Oh no, he was. He was close to Reggie. He was back here. No, he was close to Ringo, yeah. Yeah. All right, you guys are on a big straightaway at the top of the round.

Oh my god. A big straightaway at the top of the round. Okay, yes, at the top of the round, you hear a deafening sound for raccoons as an airplane starts to land on this supposedly unfinished runway. You have airplanes? It sees you in the road and pulls off. Nothing at all. It's a die-hard.

Does not land, but another plane, you can see now, is cleared for landing and is starting to make its way down to the runway. What am I fucking chance of that? I guess they just opened today. Empty the tank! Empty the tank! All right, let's see what else happens. Oh yes, there's this. This is luggage.

We'll say this is luggage from a locked-over luggage car. All right, at the top of the round, you guys are all going to, who's in the car, who's not in the car? Everybody but Liam. Okay. Everybody but Liam. So figure out, Liam, what you're going to do. And the rest of you can decide what you want to do with the vehicle.

You guys are going, what did we say, 40 now? 40? Let's say we're going 40 miles an hour. With the turbo, yeah, we're at 40. Okay. It was 20. All successes, no injuries, so you got three cool points to spend. Slick. Your car is starting to shimmy and shake.

You've got six hits on it. Five. Okay, give me five. Five. Fives! Five. Whoa. Four for me. Okay, so four fives and a six? Yep. Cool. All right. And a four.

You guys are getting really good at this racing thing. You hit the gas, you accelerate. You hit the side of Sass Car, knocking her off the course. Yay! And Rhinestone, you notice that in the car, she's not really paying attention to the race. She's got her phone up. She never texts and drives. She's crying. She doesn't even really care anymore. It seems like she got fired from the

Jamba Juice. She's deleting her account. Yeah, it's already happened. It seems like she got fired from the Jamba Juice. She's deleting her calories. Yeah, it's already happened. If someone found out the number of the Jamba Juice she worked at, hosted it, got involved. I use Cal Calories for later, so. I really want a Jamba Juice. I want a 600-calorie protein shake.

That's brutal. Okay, good old Roadkill is going to arm missiles and fire them at you. Yay! Must destroy. Not if Spikens' real. Fires two missiles at you, let's see if they hit. Neither do.

They fly off, I hope not at any airplanes, because that would be horrible. Let's just say they stop and fall nicely to the ground. In the back, Vin Diesel is pulling up. You guys are going super fast. Liam, what did you say to do? Six or four? Six. Okay, we'll do Blair first, because he was four. Yeah, yeah. I reach down into my skunk pouch and pull out the parachute that I've been carrying. Skunks are like kangaroos. They're just, sure. Into the skunk pouch with my one good arm and pull out the

parachute that I've been carrying, kick the doors open in the back, and just unfurl it, unwrap it, and throw it out the back. Dad! It's not attached to anything. Oh, you're doing the Wilson diversionary device. It's become a diversionary device. Exactly that. Welcome to Earth!

Nice! You know what I mean? Hope you can fly that thing undercover. I don't have anything for a parachute, so I'll just do this. Oh my god, it's a parachute! It flies over roadkill. He can't see.

Well, he could definitely be blind if he used eyes to see. Oh. Which he does, so he's totally blind! I was here, then I was here, then I was here, then I was here. That was a ride. That was a ride.

He has visual senses. Sure. He starts swerving. He doesn't know what's going on. Immediately, these arms come out and try to start plucking off the parachutes, but they're not designed for heavy work like this. This is a big piece of nylon, and they're going to struggle for a little bit to get this off. Liam, what are you doing as Vin Diesel is getting back his bearings? I dive onto Vin Diesel's hood and say, Vin, I know that I'm a raccoon,

and I know that you're a human and a mega movie star, but I also know you care about racing and the integrity of the car, and that guy is making a mockery of it. Get me to him, and we will put this right. He turns to you, steely eyes, takes off his sunglasses, and says to you, You had me at Movistar.

Let's go get this guy. When he's not working, that's his voice. Can I get a crime game, Javichur? No way? No way! I am Groot! He puts you in the passenger seat, puts on your seatbelt, clicks it in, fires his afterburners, I don't know what I do, and he blasts ahead. Drive, Riddick! All right, I will! All right, so he's fast on the chain.

Thermo chargers. Thermo chargers, yeah, that too. All right, next round, get ready for what you're going to do. It seems like the grabby arms are still making some progress, pushing the parachute off. Vin Diesel is making a lot of headway. You've got to win this race, guys, and the finish line is within sight. What's going to happen? One, two, three, show. Five. Five. Five!

Jesus. Six. Five. Two. Turn left. All right. You guys grab the wheel. Turn left. Ringo grabs the wheel and goes hard left. Everyone else hits the accelerator. You guys blast off. Ringo's not in our car.

Oh shit! You're right! We're just going straight. Ringo's turning left. No! The rest of you guys are going straight. Did anyone else do an action? Blair? I didn't.

No, I'm accelerating. Action. I'm looking out and seeing him inside Vin Diesel's car. I'm going to go ahead, after hugging you, no, no, I'm turning and looking towards Roadkill. And I'm going to attempt, second time, I'm going to attempt an Assassin's Creed leap, now that the windshield is available.

Sure, sure. All right, do it. I'm going to leap in the air. All right. Let's do this. Is that ferociousness? Ferociousness for sure. Ferociousness is definitely in effect. It's a success.

It's a success. All right, you fly through the air. As I'm going in the air, I look over to make eye contact and just mouth the words, Criss-cross. You're flying right for his crotch, right for his windshield. It just looks like. The intention's there. Your blades are out, you're ready to strike, you're in motion, you definitely make contact. Are you aiming straight for the windshield? Yeah.

All right, hardcore impact, you smash through it, through the parachute. You can't really see what you've hit or what you've done, but you know you made contact with something, all right? You're buckled in, you're okay, we've serviced everyone. Yep. All right, next round, lock in your answers. Let's see what happens.

You guys see the headlights of another plane starting to descend right in front of you. Five, no fear. All right. Five! Well, I got a roll for damage and stuff, too. You guys are going a million miles an hour, so it's a roll of five. No damage.

Whoa! Four more cool points. Yes! You have seven cool points. Yeah! You have seven cool points, all right. So tell me the numbers again. Five. Five. Five. Five. Six. Wow.

We're going 600 miles per hour. This is like the end of that Fast and Furious movie. Like, how long is this fucking runway? We're trying to feel something. We've been trying to feel the pain coming down. A quarter mile trip. It's pretty fucking long. How long is it at 24 seconds? You've been driving really fast for a long time. On a quarter mile track. It's pretty fucking long. The speedometer is maxed out at 80.

Altimeter. But Goober, knowing how the mechanics of a car work, he goes under and is able to dial down the sensitivity of the speedometer. There is actually a governor in the truck. So it goes down again to 40, then you guys hit the accelerator and you go back up again to 120 miles an hour. That's how it works. Everything in Sam's car is stimulating a nipple.

Amazing work, Goober. Thank you. You guys are blasting ahead at super speed. It looks like you're going to make it Amazing work, Gooper. Thank you. Yaitsella is done. You guys are blasting ahead at super speed. It looks like you're going to make it to the finish line. Who had a non? Six. Okay, six. What are you doing? I'm going to Berserker Barrage, Wolverine-style, not even looking, just screaming,

waving wildly the sharpened fork into the area of wherever the driver may be. Okay. Doing so slices the pieces of the parachute into bits. You're starting to see what's behind, what you've hit. You look for that mirrored metal helmet of his, and it's gone. It's not there. It's lying next to him on the console, and it's still talking. Chobot must destroy, Chobot must destroy. And inside the body of the man. This guy's not real. Inside the body of the man is,

it's tons of rats. His body is just made of rats. Buh, bu buh buh! It's been robots controlling a car, controlled by rats. It goes deeper. And you recognize the first rat whose head pokes out. It's Big Pauly, and he's been road killed this whole time.

Trying to take out the competition. You see him in front of you, and you are filled with a furious raccoon rabies rage. Oh, by the way, by the way, high chance you guys all have rabies. It's like 30 or 40%. Okay. Before the race over is over. Yeah, yeah, you always had rabies.

Okay, okay. It's like suppression, though. You try to take it down. Yeah, about control. Yeah. All right, so you're still in your berserker rage. Do you want to say anything? Do you want to do anything to Polly? Yeah, I'm going to eviscerate.

Just see if I can. Well, okay, before I eviscerate, make that eye contact with Polly and just be like, oh, how the tables have turned. No, no, no, don't hurt me. Don't hurt me, and she'd be like, Oh, how the tables have turned. No, no, no, don't hurt me, don't hurt me! I'm just going to try and tear through as much as I can. Go ahead and roll for ferociousness with bonus dice. All righty.

Are you using any items? Oh yeah, you're using an item, too. You get the non-existent item bonus. Sure! No! All right, that's three successes. Ooh, yes. you get the non-existent item bonus. Yeah! All right, that's three successes. Ooh, yes. Not only do you cleave through Big Pauly,

but the force of your blow hits medium Pauly and decapitates him. Oh! Misses slightly shorter Pauly, but he's so scared that he runs down to the bottom of the robot body to escape you. You have enacted revenge, and you feel a little better about things.

The robot hands are still steering and still trying to win the race because they are automatons. Right. But they're not under any sort of control. They're falling back on their pre-programmed protocols. Gotcha. All right, next.

Liam, what are you doing? I am accelerating. I grab hold of Vyn's wheel, and I pull, and I shove my feet into the accelerator, and I say, help me out, Sassy. I attempt to drive the car into Sassy's car. So you're going to go back? No!

Oh, you want to go back? I'm pushing this car into the hill. Yes. Sassy. Sassy is off the track. She gets hit. Into the tentacle! Into the tentacle!

Sandwich. The tentacle, which as we all know, LAX is haunted. The tentacle is definitely real. And grabs Sassy, flips her over, entering the car, and just holding her in place. Not doing anything bad, just holding her in place, because she's had a rough time already. Yeah. She lost her.

Very empathetic tentacle. Yeah, yeah. But she's definitely out of the race. Roadkill is still in it, weirdly, and so is Vin Diesel, but they're slow because they've been hitting each other. You guys are blasting ahead, and now it's the moment I've all been waiting for. A plane flies down and lands on the runway. No!

Air Canada! The scale is accurate. That's his tiny ass. It sees you. Are you going to swerve? I'm going to pick a direction for the plane. You guys pick a different, maybe a different direction. Let's all dial it in and see what we've got.

It's either going to be a two or a three, left or a right, or you could just try to blast through the plane. It's up to you. Well, if it turns and we go straight, sorry. Or maybe it won't turn. Maybe it can't turn. Make your choices. You know what? I'll leave it up to chance. I'll say a one or a two is no turn, a three or a four is left, and a five or a six is right. Okay. Aw, shit. First number.

All right. What are your turns? Three. Three. Five. You're a six and right, okay. Aw, she has the first number. All right, what are your turns? Three. Three. Five. Two in Vindiesel's car. Three in the ice cream truck. Two, so I think we're going straight now. Oh fuck!

130 degrees, clicks in. You got three, three, two. One in Roadkill's car. So I sped up. I'm pulling the emergency brake. We turned. Oh, Roadkill is, okay, in Roadkill's car. So I sped up. I'm pulling the emergency brake. We turned. Oh, Roadkill is, okay, so Roadkill slowed down. To the right. Then Diesel is what?

Left into Roadkill's car. Oh, nice. Smashing, oh my god. I love it. Great, so they smash into each other. You guys did? Two right turns and an acceleration. Two right turns.

Yes. And one left turn. And one left turn. So one right turn. So one right turn and an acceleration. Two right turns. Yes. And one left turn. And one left turn. So one right turn. So one right turn and an acceleration. Okay. I moved the plane to the left. It's moving at a much higher rate of speed than you, and so it clips you with its wing,

taking out the front engine. There's a front engine and a back engine. There was a back engine and a front engine. As all ice cream cars have. How much damage did we take? You take all the damage. You guys are stuck dead in the road. The petrol front engine is dead,

the biodiesel rear engine is dead. But when you guys took that big leap over, it blasted out the rear engine, as we all know. These guys aren't moving, but now it appears, okay, what are you guys doing over here in the Venom Roadkill car? Is this a new round? Yeah, new round, new round.

I'm climbing in after Roadkill. Okay, you're going to go get vengeance, yeah? Matt, you're over there too, right? Yeah. Okay, you're going to see your friend climb in through the broken windshield, and he has fury in his eyes as well. I turn back to you.

You can see the bloody mess of where the rats used to be, and as I look at him, he's gone. This is just a shell. I've done your deed. Go do mine. Criss-cross. What was your deed, Dan? Kill Vin Diesel!

Kill Vin Diesel? Sure. Why? The guy that told you to kill Vin Diesel is dead! All right, we're fine! Sorry, the adrenaline was in my system. Sorry. Vin Diesel's listening to this like, who the fuck is going on?

What the fuck is going on? I'm shaking and drinking a bottle of water. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no. I should stick to movies. You know what? Let's get inside. I'm going to go ahead and jump into the suit of the roadkill.

Wait a minute, that thing was empty the whole time? Are you the top or the bottom? You know, for you, I'll be the bottom. Some high-tech scanners turn on and start scanning you guys. Rodent identified. The controls conform to your bodies and clamp around you. You've got all sorts of sensory controls. It's amazing. It's like you're in Iron Man's suit, but it's driving a

car. It's still on, the car can still drive. Vin Diesel is backing off you. Is there a British-sounding butler in the earpiece of the suit? Sure. What's he sound like? It's a rat butler. You guys can't speak rat, so you don't know what it is. All right, so you guys have cleared the cars. You're in control of your car, which is Roadkill's car. Vin Diesel is in control of his. The main vehicle is at a dead stop. Vin Diesel, whose car has been totally smashed up, he's missing two tires. He's

wobbling forward. He's going to try to win this. Roadkill is still alive and well. Are we touching any wind on the sail? The sail is up. You can see the finish line in the distance. In the distance? It's about 20 to 30 feet away. I'll just put this here for now. In the distance. And what you're going to need to do

is blow yourself over the finish line. No! Can we use our cool points? No, you can use your mouths. We're going to have to blow it across. Okay. Why don't we blow it from one side? Hold on.

I'm going to make this a timed event. Oh no! Set timer for one minute. Oh shit. Yeah, Travis, get over here. It's going already. Go! Go, Blair! Blair, go! Go, the fucking ladder!

Travis, get in here! Look how big you are! Go! Go! Yes! Come on! 30 seconds to spare! You guys did it! You barely lost the finish line! I am so dizzy. Wow. So many college degrees just did that. Oh my god! This shit you'll do from peer pressure.

We're not on the Japanese game show. Oh no! The walls will fall down as a Japanese audience. Tyra just went off. You guys did it. We need audience. Tyren just went off. You guys did it. Vin Diesel and whatever the fuck his name is pull up. Roadkill. Roadkill pull up. Everyone gets out of their cars.

As a note, on the way there, while we're pressing the accelerator, I'm finding which foot that the, was it the shorter? Slightly smaller Poly is in, and use that foot to press the accelerator, I'm finding which foot the shorter, slightly smaller Polly is in, and use that foot to press the accelerator until eventually it stops moving. You definitely squish him to death. Nicely done. Revenge is enacted.

I like it. All right. My abs hurt from laughing and blowing on that signal. You guys did it. Grecian Toretto comes out, clapping. Well, you did it. You win. You get the prize, the money, the trophy, the turf.

But most of all, you win respect. Oh my god. Respect from the movie star of your dreams. Vin Diesel comes over, walks over. As this conversation is happening, which I assume is being shouted to a closed vehicle that we haven't exited yet, because we're still a bunch of raccoons.

Sure, yeah, yes, you can do whatever you want. It's only you, Grecian, Vin Diesel now. That's the only two people around. Right, but we're supposed to be a person. Yeah, sure. So as we're shouting this out, we go ahead and, let's get the suit over there.

We go ahead and, using the roadkill suit, walk over to the other side of the ice cream truck, get in there, and quickly assemble our usual personage. Yeah, Grecian is busy philosophizing, doesn't really notice that a headless robot just walked from one place to the other. All right, you guys all pile into the suit. Who wants to be the face?

I want to be the face. I go ahead and apply my big beard and glasses to Izzy to handle this. From the right hand. I put on more lipstick. I'll be the left hand. Okay. I'll take bottom again. And I'm the cock piece. I put on more lipstick. I'll be the left hand. Okay. I'll take bottom again.

And I'm the cock piece. Vin Diesel. Oh shit! Vin Diesel is so impressed by, you know, he's a movie star who races cars for fake, but you guys raced a car for real and it touches him inside. He's so impressed and still remembers

the glisten in your eyes. He walks over to you and says, Hey, you were the one from before, weren't you? I was. I stroke my beard. You know, I'm single. Oh, funny. And I shaved my head because I like the feeling

of fur against it. I rip off the beard. Ooh, you're even furrier under there. He goes in for a kiss. Do you reciprocate? All right. What would the hands like to do? The left hand takes the phone with both

and takes a selfie of the moment. Yeah, that's good. Uh-huh, uh-huh. And the right hand just caresses the sweet finger grooves of the steering wheel, knowing that he achieved his greatest goal in life. The legs are going to push him into his pelvis. Nice. The codpiece, all you hear from the codpiece is this.

That's the grabby hand. You want it to be, man. The grabby hand grabs onto Vin Diesel and he goes, and he just goes in for an even deeper, more romantic kiss. Ringo is up top as a coonskin hat and I use my tail to hide this view from the audience. You're at the very end. The apple? Yeah, at the very end. Diablo? Diablo! As we slowly fade to black,

we realize that you guys have all won some respect. Awesome. Goober got to drive the car of his dreams. You got payback for the death of your cousin. You got payback and revenge on Big Pauly. And something that could never be achieved, true father-daughter love between skunk and possibly skunk-raccoon hybrid.

And I think we've all learned our lessons today about the world, and I'm eager to hear what those are on Twitter later. But it will fade to black and credits will roll and that's the end of the game. Well done, Sam! That was amazing. That was amazing.

So much fun. You guys do this every week? Yeah. And wait, stay tuned, guys, because in the back of the van, you still have that full PS4 mint in box that we need to give away to somebody. I did borrow one controller, but I don't remember.

Yeah, but you borrowed the wired one, which I don't think exists anymore, so you're okay. It still exists. Oh, a milestone was hit. I will be doing a fireside chat. Thanks for all you guys. Awesome, thank you guys. I actually do have one announcement to make on that before we get to the PS4.

So I was back there while you guys were playing talking to one of our sponsors, Pure Cycles. They're a cycling shop out of Burbank. They know what's going on, they're really excited about this, and the owner said, hey, whoever puts you over 75,000, we're going to make them a special Poblov bicycle. Shut your mouth. That's awesome.

I'm here to announce that the person that is winning the custom Poblov bicycle from Pure Cycles is Deja Augustine. That's Deja! Deja, Deja, whatever. Thank you so much, and thank you to the whole community. Obviously, this has been what a ride. I think we even have a video to play of your child. Yeah, so I took a video. As of the video, when I shot it a couple days ago, we had had about 1,450 donations just from the Critical Role community. So we did a little video.

We put everybody's name into a spreadsheet, and by we I mean somebody at my office, because I don't know how to do spreadsheets. They all got a number, and then my son, as you'll see, randomly chose this person, and so we'll run that, and then when we come back, hopefully I'll find the email with that person's name, and then my son, as you'll see, randomly chose this person, and so we'll run that, and then when we come back, hopefully I'll find the email with that person's name, and then we'll tell you guys who won this beautiful PS4 that we'll show you.

Fantastic. We received 1,409 donations as of this video, and I put all 1,409 of them in a spreadsheet, and Emerson is going to generate a random number, and we're going to see who won that PlayStation 4. Okay buddy click on that thing like daddy showed you. Click on that right there buds. Just press down. Good job. Okay what number is that right there buddy? 457. Okay we're gonna take a look at that and let you know who won. Wow. So adorable.

Yeah, he's the best. I swear that was the only take we did of that, because five-year-olds are the best on camera in the first take. So the person who wins this amazing, and thank you to our friends at Sony, by the way, this incredible PS4 Pro, Destiny 2 Limited Edition with all of this cool stuff on the back that I'm sure you guys will shoot close-ups of at some point, is Margaret Morgans from Great Neck, New York. I know Great Neck! Congratulations, Margaret! From Great Neck, New York. As Sam said, we've hit 75,000. I'm guessing we've hit probably quite a bit more than that since I've been here, which is incredible. I'm going to leave it up to you guys what you want me to do. We obviously have

an Xbox One that we're going to give away as well and a Nintendo Switch to give away. My bike ride starts in a couple of days, next Sunday. If you want, I can literally do the same thing on my phone on the ride. I can shoot a video of that, and we can pick one of those things, and then when I get back to LA, hopefully with both hands and not ball pop, we can do the switch or whatever, something like that. So if that's what you guys want to do,

I can pick something on the ride, then maybe we can do the switch when I get back. Okay, great. Maybe during your fireside chat or something. There you go, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, thank you for joining us for this special charity edition. Thank you especially to Travis Willingham, Laura Bailey, Liam

O'Brien, Marisha Ray, Blair Herger, and Matthew Mercer, and the Poblove Foundation for being such great folks and for changing the world. I hope the guy who wrote this game, Grant Howard, wasn't watching. And, um. He's asleep. If you guys talk to him, just say that I did it perfectly.

And we'll see you guys next week for more great programming on this here Critical Role channel, right? Yes! All right. All Work No Play premiere. Oh yeah, All Work No Play premieres one week from today. At what time?

Friday at 7. 7 p.m. on the 28th. Be sure to watch me and Liam. It's so soon! And much more coming next week. Have a great weekend, everyone. Goodbye! Thanks for listening to Crash Pandas on the Critical Role Podcast

Network. This episode was recorded as part of a fundraising campaign for a great organization called the PobLove Foundation. Go ahead and check them out at poblove.org.