Critical Role - Exandria Unlimited Episode 4: By The Road

Episode Date: July 22, 2021

The adventurers continue their travels south through Tal'Dorei, but the past comes calling for them all in very different ways...Watch Exandria Unlimited Thursdays at 7pm PT on https://twitch.tv/criticalrole and https://youtube.com/criticalrole.

Oh, hello, and welcome to Exandria Unlimited on the Critical Role Podcast Network. This is your resident monster, Ashley Johnson. Exandria Unlimited airs Thursdays at 7 p.m. Pacific on Twitch and YouTube. If you'd like to watch the VOD, it's available immediately for Twitch channel subscribers and on YouTube on Mondays. Exandria Unlimited is, of course, also available in podcast form on Thursdays, a week after the original broadcast, right here on the Critical Role Podcast Network. Okay, okay, okay. Let's jump in to Exandria Unlimited. Hello, and welcome to Exandria Unlimited.

Whoops. Hi, I'm your GM, Abrea Iyengar, taking this very seriously. And with me is an amazing cast, so let's get a quick round of introductions before we get started. Robbie. I'm Robbie Damond, and I play the air genasi Bardorian Storm.

I had a little stink on it this week, and I'm proud of you. I'm gonna go low key. I'm Liam O'Brien, and I'm living my halfling dreams at long, long last with Orym of the Arishari. You like the change up. What you got? I am, God, I don't think I have a good followup with that.

I'm Ashley Johnson. I'm playing Fearne Calloway, the faun druid weirdo. There you go. Let's go. Hey there, I'm Matthew Mercer, and I'm playing the dwarf sorcerer Dariax. Happy to be here, happy to have you. Bring us home, baby.

Hi, I'm Amy Carrero, and I'm playing Opal, the Hexblade Warlock, with sister issues. Who doesn't have them? It's true. I don't have them. It's vibes? It's vibes?

It's vibes. Yeah, it's vibes. Anyway, these episodes are prerecorded. So we're going to throw to a lovely future Matt for any exciting announcements and notes. Take it away, cozy Matt. Thank you, Aabria. This episode is sponsored by our friends at NordVPN,

providers of the highest quality encryption for your internet traffic while hiding your IP and physical location. With over 5,400 servers in 59 countries, it is easy to get better internet speed and protection with one simple click. And it is available on every major platform, including Windows, iOS, Android, and Linux. Do you hear that, Omar? My little hacker boy. Go to nordvpn.com slash exu and use the coupon code exu to get a two-year plan plus a bonus gift with a huge discount. This episode is also sponsored by Dungeon Dudes and Dungeons of Drakenheim, their adventure campaign for character levels 1 to 13.

Fifteen years ago, Drakenheim was destroyed by an eldritch storm of falling stars. Now the city is a dismal urban wasteland, contaminated by otherworldly magic and haunted by hideous monsters. Explore over 20 ruined urban locations inspired by dark fantasy and cosmic horror. Oh, it's so spooky, he gets scared. Check out everything right now at Drakenheim.com. Thanks to them for supporting our show. And lastly, thank you so much for joining us live on Twitch and YouTube. To join our live and moderated community chat, please head on over to our Twitch channel. Now, Aabria, back to you. Cozy Matt, that is a daringly asymmetrical

facial hair pattern that you've gone with. I like it. Personally, I like it. Can't wait to see what you do next time. Well, with all of that taken care of, I believe it's time to start episode four of Exandria Unlimited. Thank you. The Five of you at Firetamber Lorkathar's behest managed to snope. You didn't sneak. I will not call that a sneak back into Emon.

I will not. Yeah, definitely not. I am concerned. But you arrived nonetheless and for the most part, managed to safely make your way to Gilmore's Glorious Goods, where you spoke with Gilmore, got a little more direction on what to do next. He asked for you all, partially as a way to get out of Emon

because you've got a bit of heat on you, to head down south to look for the ruins of the Kunyirra Empire, to find a Rosetta Stone to help him translate the runes that you found at the Ashblown Mesa.

I will not call it an ash hole this week. I will rise up. Raise, rise up. I will rise up. Raise, rise up. Raise, rise up. He provided you transport to the edge of town where you had one last face off with Poska. And due to an exceptionally well-timed and well-executed charm person by Fern, managed to avoid what would have been

a lethal encounter in Emon. So your path is set and you're outside of the city walls and you're in a glitter-shitting purple Vardo headed south. I love Vardo. I love shitting glitter. Yeah, just all together, it's just so glorious. Gilmore's glorious goods.

It all works. It really does. By the way, we should go faster. Okay. We should go really fast. How do I, do I just? Who's driving? I think I am.

Yeah, okay. You want to try to, like, get a little more speed on there? Go faster. Animal handling check. Oh, no. That's a one. No. Yo, literally one of them starts pulling to the side.

Like once you leave the town, the city proper and like the lush greenery of the countryside pops up, they just start straying off the path and begin eating at a shrub. Where are you going? And they stop now. Maybe they're hungry. I'm hungry. Maybe they want to snack.

We got to get. Does anybody know how to do this with horses? Aren't you a nature person, though? Yeah, but this is a little different. Different nature. I mean, I usually, I have a lot of friends that are animals, but this is, I usually, they don't have any collars or leashes or things in their mouths.

I don't control them. Let me give it a shot. Okay. Cast Thaumaturge to make a thunderclap. Right behind him. Oh no. Boom. What do I want to call this? Okay. Cast Dometurge to make a thunderclap. Right behind him. Oh no. Boom! What do I want to call this? It's just got to be animal handling.

Just, you're going to tell me what the horses do. 12. Okay. You send off a massive thunderclap behind them and these two massive, pure white Frisians rear up and bolt. Now, were you on the cart when you did this? I was probably next to her on it, yeah.

Okay. So I'm going to need dexterity saving throws from the two of you. That's fair. As they tear off down the Emerald Pass. Ooh. Natural. I'm doing very well today. Uh-oh.

11. It's not a one. That's a 10. It's not a one. It's two of them. You both. Bloop. Fall off. I have my favored by the gods ability.

Okay, okay, okay. Which is once per short rest, if I fail a saving throw, I can roll 2d4 and add it to the total. Yes, good. Which brings it to a 14. You feel yourself teeter and you sway as you see Fearne fall off, but you manage to catch yourself on the edge.

But Fearne, you do fall off, and you are going to take two points of bludgeoning damage as you hit the ground and roll. Ouch! The rest of you that are inside the wagon, I assume, you all hear Fearne hit the ground. You okay? Oh, jeez. Yes, I'm- And these regions are bolted,

and we're taking off? Yeah, it's a full gallop. So we're just leaving her behind, basically. Yeah, oh! Are you okay? Yes, I'm. And these regions are bolted and we're taking off? Yeah, it's a full gallop. So we're just leaving her behind, basically. Yeah, oh! Are you okay? Yes, I am going to take a mirthful leap. How mirthful are you feeling right now, baby girl?

Hold on. Whenever you make a long or high jump, you can roll a d8 and add the number rolled to the number of, this is so small, the number of feet you cover. Glasses out for two minutes. That was amazing. Even when making a standing jump, the extra distance costs.

Movement is normal. Okay, so I add a, so I want to try to just make a big jump with my hooves to try to catch up to everybody since they're just taken off. Yeah. I'm going to drop the DC for this, but go ahead and give me athletics or acrobatics. Your call. Okay.

Oh. Uh-oh. Okay. That is four total. Goddamn it. Get him out of the way. Yeah, I'm doing my best. We can do this together. We're going to get you through this little rough patch.

Can you stop? Opal tries to grab the reins and... Wait, where were you before? We're inside. We're trying to stop them. So where are you grabbing reins from? You're on the inside of the horse. Yeah, but you said there's that little, there's that, you remember last time

he said there was like a foot? We're going to rush through a tiny window. Hell yeah, he said it was a foot long. And snatch the reins away from Dariax Dariax oh he's still on he's there and not maybe I'll grab the you're not helping I don't know I I don't think I am maybe okay maybe instead of grabbing the reins I just grab his like waist so okay when she jumped and then pull did we so she just jumped and biffed it. She didn't make it. It looked more like she skipped Merrily. It's a mirthful leap.

All right. She skipped after, but didn't quite land on that little lip to get through the door. It did kind of move and didn't go anywhere. I have it as, as we're tearing away from her still. Yeah. Okay.

How far away is she, you think? I'm going to say probably about 20 feet now. Okay. I'm going to lean out the window as we're tearing along and I'm going to try to about 20 feet now. Okay, I'm going to lean out the window as we're tearing along, and I'm going to try to cast Levitate on her. Ooh! And see if I can, like a kite, kind of drag her behind the cart.

Okay, so you cast Levitate, and now she's off the ground. That doesn't preserve momentum, so. Oh shit. So now I just made her float. Now you're floating out. Oh, I thought she would like come, if I got her straight, she would come with me.

I'm hugging Dariax. She's just floating there. Floating something? The tether is the important part to remember here. I thought the spell would tether her to me. Shit. Oh, oh, do you want my whip? Shh. Sure.

Opal tosses it. How long is this whip? It's not that long. Somebody pull on the reins! I'm pulling on Dariax! I've been pulled! Pull on the reins! I pull on the reins. Oh god, what is it?

Yeah, give me one more animal handling check, because I think you've burned a lot of goodwill from these horses. Oh, you think? Yeah. I think they're not going to be super strong listeners right now. Probably not. Okay, this is fun. We were having a snack. It got very spoopy.

That's all good, though. Three. They do not stop. I'm starting to climb out the side of the cart to try to move sideways along it to get on one of the horses. Yeah, okay. And I'm sure at this point point we're past 60 feet away,

so my spell drops and I just, I lose her. Oh god. Because I could quit at 60 feet. I'm going to say that it's only about 40 feet now. Oh, okay. We'll have one more round of whatever this is turned into. If it's going to be over, just lower me down slowly, please.

Okay, I'll try. Give me an acrobatics check to navigate onto one of the horses. That's fine. That's good. That's a 21. Oh yeah. You slip out of a window and as you blink, Dariax, you look up and see that Orym

is on the leftmost horse. I'm just going to dance along on the back and just get up by the eyes and try to just cover one set of eyes and go, come on, come on, buddy. Come on, I don't know how horses work. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. That's amazing.

Give me... Yeah, we'll just make an animal hand again. That's fine. This is just the one roll I guess we'll do all day. That's a 10. Yeah. We'll never forget you, Fern! Goodbye! Bye! all day? That's a 10. Yeah. We'll never forget you, Fearne!

Goodbye! But with a 10, that's an interesting insight. The horse isn't going to keep storming blindly and begins to slow down. And it's a little clunky and awkward as one of the horses begins to slow and the other is continuing to bolt. Yeah, you veer off of the main path, but then eventually you slow down.

And Fearne, you're levitating. Oh god. Until you're not, as that 60-foot limit is dropped, and you look as your hooves daintily return to terra firma. The Vardo has pulled off and is off the path about 10 feet, and you are stopped now. Boy, oh boy.

Who knew that it was so hard to make these things go? Except for Horsemaster over here. Well done, buddy. Yes. Sure, yeah. All right, let's hoof it. Weird, there's all this glitter. I feel like they're going to catch us. I know.

Should we abandon the horses? Should we change the look of it? I don't know how we can do that. Does it actually shit glitter as it drives? It does. It does. Yeah. Real world, tangible, it doesn't evaporate into the Fae two minutes later.

If we just stand here scratching our heads and staring at it for a while, what happens to it? If you wait, you notice that after about five minutes, it goes away. Okay. Okay, I think we're all right. You think we're all right? Well, no, we're carrying a crown doomed from-

Yeah, on a glitter-shitting cart. Yeah, but the glitter, look, we're carrying a crown doomed from a... Yeah, on a glitter-shitting cart. Yeah, but the glitter, look, watch. As you watch, a couple minutes have passed far away and you see that it's beginning to sort of fester. But that's still only a couple minutes. We could try to put a bag over it. Oh yeah, catch the glitter poop. Glitter diaper!

Yeah, glitter diaper. Glitter diaper. Yeah, glitter diaper. Who's got something that can be a glitter diaper? Don't look at me, I just got this fur. I could use part of my dress. Yeah, I feel like my cape's been abused this entire adventure. I'm gonna pull my cape off and ask for some, may I have some ribbon, please?

Oh, yes. Thank you very much. That's a lot of ribbon. It's just as endless. And I'll go up behind the stage and ask and kind of fashion a very fashionable glitter diaper. Nice. There you go.

Wow. Beautiful. Do you have children? No. You've just been around a. Do you have children? No. You've just been around a lot of people who shit? Yeah. I mean, that's all of them, really. True. That's true.

I don't. I mean, I don't. What? What? That prank says to differ. I'm kidding. I don't poop, I pellet. Oh. Yeah. Must be nice. Dry.

Boy, we should really get going. Okay, let's go. Fearne, I'm sorry about that. I thought for sure you would come along with me. I thought it was a good idea in the moment. Oh, thank you. Don't even worry about it. I panicked. Are we using this thing or are we, what are we doing?

Are we using the cart? Yeah. Yeah. With the the cart? Yeah. Yeah. With the glitter diaper? Yeah. Okay, when do we have to change it? Let's see if it, yeah, I mean, it probably, we have to change full diapers. But if it goes away after five minutes,

it should be a self-changing glitter diaper. Oh, okay, that's true. Let's try it. Let's see how it goes. Who's driving? Let's give somebody, I don't, I'm okay. I have pretty okay animal handling, but I'm rolling like shit.

But I could give it another go. I'm going to hop in the back and just ride this one out. Okay. I'll help Orym. All right, double O. Double O. My O's in the front, just me and Niamh. I ride this one out. Okay. I'll help Orym. All right, double O. Double O. My O's in the front.

Just me and Nancy on a road trip. All right, Mom. It's a beautiful mother-daughter road trip. Here we go. And you take off again. I'm not going to make you roll for it, because I'm honestly afraid of all of your dice at this point.

Same. And you take off again, southward, headed down the Emerald Pass. And the travel is, it's not slow going, because you're in a wagon, but it is a long trip. And you're on the road for weeks. And then one day, Fearne, I need you to give me a wisdom saving throw.

Okay. Man, we know each other so well by now. We do. Yeah. Stories. Diaper changes. Menstruation cycles. 12. For some, yeah. We're in sync for sure.

For sure. For sure. We're all on our periods. Amazing. Yeah, Fearne, after about two weeks on the road, you have a strong urge or a sense of it's not quite memory but you know that this is the road that you took to get up to Amon and there's something deep in the woods off of that main pass

that is calling to you but it's still miles and miles away. And with a 12. At some point. I'm not going to say you're supplanting the mother-daughter like dynamic here, but you do join them. And you end up sort of leading them. A little off of the road. And right when you get into like the main thick of the verdant expanse, you leave it entirely.

And you guys are now, it's still relatively flat. It's wooded, but not overly so. And Fern leads you deeper and deeper into the woods. If you want to have a conversation about this before the next thing resolves, now's your chance. And we've been on road this entire time. Yeah. And now it's again shady? It's shady, but you're still aware

that you're headed south, so still aware that you're headed south. So you know that you're headed south. So there's no big red flags going up. But this strong sense of get off of the main roads and skirt them a couple miles to the west has taken over your course. Okay. And doable for now for the Vardo. Mm-hmm. Okay.

I've never been this way before. Oh god, these mosquitoes are terrible. It's kind of in your neck of the woods, though, isn't it? I know, but I don't do non-roads. How far are we from the peninsula? Does anyone know? I haven't been this far, so. I wouldn't know. I've never been that far. Give me a survival

or history check. Okay. 15. You know that you're still about a week and a half to two weeks away from Byroden. And Byroden is the last bit of civilized land before you hit the peninsula. Okay.

Okay, well, we're going to have to figure out a way to keep the bugs off because we have about a week and a half left and this doesn't, you know, this doesn't happen by accident. So then why are we pulling off the road? Well, I just, I feel like it might be a little safer this way

and I feel like it might be a little safer this way, and I feel like... I just need to check something. I feel like I... I feel like I just need to check something in here. I don't know. Do you guys feel pulled at all, or is it just me? All the time. Yeah? Oh.

Yeah. Just all sorts of directions. Yeah. Orym and Dariax, give me arcana checks. Oh wow, 18. Natural 20. Minus one, 19. It is disturbing. 20's a 20.

Yeah, in your proximity to Fearne, and especially as she speaks to you, you both feel something. It's like a pull right behind your navel in this direction, and you can still see the main road, the Wildwood Byway. It's a little off to the right,

and yet you feel yourself, both of your centers of gravity are pulled even more into the woods. And you see that Fearne sitting there, her entire posture is turned a little bit in that direction. So whatever it is, it's hooked into the two of you also. Well, do you feel like you have to do it? I don't know.

I just feel like we need to go wherever this is. I don't want to ignore it. No. Look, I'm right here with you. This is the kind of thing that's been my thing since I was a kid, you know? You just, you feel that tug, that drive, something's just pulling you forward,

and you got to go with it. You got to go with it. Yeah. All those stories you told us this week. You do just go with the flow, don't you? Yeah. You know, you come from stagnant farm towns and such. A lot of people tend to just sit and grow moss over time, you know?

But yeah, everyone's got a little fire in their belly. When it burns bright, you never see where it takes you. How do you guys feel about it? Do you mind if we keep going a little bit? I'm just itchy, so, you know, I'm fine with it. Okay. Opal, can you give me a perception check? Ah, four.

So many bugs. Oh, many bugs. Never mind, you're good. You're focused. You're keeping them away, four. So many bugs. Oh, many bugs. Never mind, you're good. You're focused. You're keeping them away, though. You've got a clean record, no bites. Okay. They're trying. I'm just swishing my tail to get the bugs away. Thank you. Yeah, you're welcome.

Mister's helping, he's clapping near you. Must have sweet blood or something. Oh yes, here, put Mister on your shoulder. He'll help. Mister. Every now and then, he just, as a little swarm of gnats comes up, he just jettisons a little breath of fire

and just roasts them up for you. Thank you. It's run interference, he's a good guy. I love him. I'm just here to see the world, and Fearne, you've gotten us this far, so I don't see why not. Yeah, actually, it's that point

when we got a little moment here. Like, what got you on the road? Like, into music and throwing a little bit of magic at those fingertips. I just, you know, I'm curious. Same. No, you said you came from a small town? Town-ish, yeah.

Turst Fields, big farm community, ways east of here, but yeah. I think that's what brought us all together. Out in the big world from a small place. Me too, just, yeah. What's a place? Small place? Small place, yeah.

What's it called? It's just a town outside in the... Oh no. What? You're a very bad liar. I just, I don't. You're not comfortable sharing with us. Oh, it's not that I'm not comfortable with you. I just, we have much more important things to do, right?

I get it. Yeah. I get it. Not everyone's got a proud history to speak on. Not going to force it out of you. I was just curious, just curious. I will share someday. Maybe not today. Fair enough. Thank you for being interested, though.

I mean, the more time that goes by, it's quiet. I start going crazy, so I need to fill the silence. Yeah, sure. And also, you seem pretty nice. So you help me not get into too much trouble, which not a lot of people go out of their way to keep me from doing that, so I appreciate that. I'll tell you this.

I have good upbringing, a pleasant one. Good. And I'm very happy to be here with you, all of you. So thank you. Did you have a big family or a small family or is that still something you'd like to keep to yourself? Any siblings? Wow, this is starting to feel a little weird.

Well, I feel like everyone's shared, but you. Yeah, well, sharing is caring. I have a brother, I do. You have a brother. I do. Oh! A brother. I do have a brother, yes. Does he look like you? Taller. Taller? Bigger.

Bigger? Yeah. Single? Handsomer? More talented? Definitely not handsomer. Definitely not more talented, but bigger and handsome. And yes, single, but my family would probably, it doesn't matter. What?

Are you still itchy? Are the bugs? No, Mister's getting them. Oh, okay. It's great. They're not, we... I don't come from a very accepting background. That's not me. It's not me. It's not me. No, no, no, no. I get it. It's just where I'm from.

I'm not blue. Not blue, yes. But also not from where I'm from, and that's why I'm here now. I'd never get to meet anyone like you in my old life. And I'm just glad to be here. That's all. Can that be enough for now, please?

Sure. Yeah, I think we get it. Thank you. Sure. Fearne, give me another wisdom saving throw. Come on, you bitch. Come on, asshole. Rolled a two. Oh no!

Brings me to a seven. My dice are mad at me. You are, you are dead. Okay. Question, who is to the left? In our little front row bench situation, can I get a sitting order? Because I want to see who sees this first.

Well, up at the front is Sid and Nancy, right? Yep. Sid and Nancy. But Fearne's there, too. Yes. So is Fearne in the middle? If Fearne's in the middle, who's on Fearne's left? I think that maybe Orym would be in the middle because he's so wee.

Like he would ride the bump. Oh, okay. Oh, that's nice of you. All right, we'll give it to Orym. Orym, you see, as you look up at Fearne, as her expression gets darker and she takes the reins in earnest and leads even farther away from the main road. May I? And looking up at her, and leads even farther away from the main road.

And looking up at her, you see that her left eye, the pupil has gone from a normal humanoid shape to goat-like as it gets longer and stretches out. And all the flowers on the side of her head, all over her body, in the direction that she's turning, begin to open and turn. Is that intentional? What?

You're looking a little more, a little more fey than usual. I don't know what that means. Your eye's a little different. Oh my god, Orym, you just can't ask people why their eyes are different. Well, you see it, too. I mean, it's weird, but we shouldn't say anything.

It might be rude. We talk all about his eyes when they were dripping boo. I know, but I'm just saying. Well, I mean, this happens because I'm the... But I don't know, I just feel so weird. I... Bad weird or just weird weird? Just weird weird. I can't figure it out yet.

All right, well. But thank you for, let's keep going. You know, if you see something, say something. Ah ha ha. I will. If I roll well if you see something, say something. Ah ha ha. I will. If I roll well and I see it, I will. Not going to give you the chance to. You keep going.

And eventually you reach a place that is no longer possible by the Vardo. Oh dear. And the feeling you feel now, Fearne, it's loud in your ears. It sounds like the laughter of your family when it was all together, Nana and your parents. It feels warm, like the cottage that you grew up in.

And the smells, that mingled strange, sickly sweet fey plants and flowers and baking. And it's like everything you loved about home mashed together and just is overwhelming you now. And you know where it is. So close. I think we have to leave the Vardo here, and I... I have to go see what this is.

If you'd like to come, you can, but it... Are we coming back? Yeah, we'll come back. I just, I feel like such a strong feeling of home. Oh, but we're going, we're not supposed to be going home, to of home. Oh, but we're going, we're not supposed to be going home, to your home. It doesn't make any sense, but I just need to check because I

haven't felt that in a long time. Okay. Okay. I guess we can just hang out. We came this far. Okay. We're in the Vardo, I think. Yeah, we're in the back. I'm like, while this conversation's happening,

I'm like, all right, so flashy style, performance skills, dodgy about your past, not a lot of money wandering. I think I got it. Okay. You're Carnivalalfolk. Carnivalfolk? Yeah, oh, don't try and hide it. You're being coy.

Is that what this reads? This reads Carnivalfolk to you? Well, no, when you put all the pieces together on the table at once, that's what I'm picking up. Am I right? You are absolutely right, Derry. Yes! But do not tell any of the rest.

This is our secret. I come from a very famous line of trapeze artists and jugglers. The best in the realm. Oh my goodness. That's fucking cool. I know. But my father, the famous juggler,

once famously juggled for a king in the north, and the king liked it so much, he wanted to keep my father there, and my father left. So there's a contract on his life. And if they find out who I am, that I am that juggler's son, it'll all be over. The gig will be up, so you must not tell anyone. Promise me.

All right. I got you must not tell anyone. Promise me. All right. I got you, I got you. Fearne, you slip down from your seat. Does anyone else go with you? Or are you going alone? Why are we stopped? Fearne wants to check something out. I just have to check something really quickly.

You can stay, you can come. For safety, you guys are more than welcome to stay here. I'm gonna go pee. Safety, does it feel dangerous? It doesn't feel dangerous to me at all. What do you think, Nancy? I'll sit, I'll tell ya. I think we're better to stick together.

Regardless, horses will leave here. Okay. Let's all go. Which way? This way. And you lead them forward. Wait, wait, I've been drinking for a little bit. Hold on, let me finish.

Like a 40-second story? You start to walk forward, you think you're done, and then it starts over again. After drinking tea? All right, now we're good. There's more. You think you're done, and then it starts over again. And then you wait. Yeah, it starts over again. After drinking tea. All right, now we're good. You're very close to a horse who took that as a challenge, and now you're trying to out-stream a horse. Orm's going to stay one step back to the right from Fearne on her goat flank.

Dorian's going to go retrieve his diaper cape and use the ribbon to make the diaper. I'm going to tie the horses up to a tree to make sure they don't run off. Tight. Good call. Is it a full diaper? It is full, and as you shake it out,

you leave a big, stupid mound of gold glitter on the ground. One of those birthday cards and you open it up and it goes. Yep. Ain't the worst. It's everywhere. Glitter forever! But don't worry, it'll disappear eventually, On the ground. One of those birthday cards and you open it up and it goes. Yep. Ain't no world. It's everywhere. Glitter forever. But don't worry, it'll disappear eventually.

But for now, you've got two flecks on your face. You don't even know how it got there. It's a nightmare. Pink eye on the left eye from one piece that's stuck in there. Oh, too real. Too real. And you head into the woods and you walk for a solid 40 minutes

until the terrain gets straight. Go ahead. No, nothing. Okay. Just a long walk. Yeah. Love it. The terrain gets really rocky and craggly, and it seems almost to rise up on both sides. You're moving through this extremely narrow pass, but it's the middle of the day and it's still fairly bright.

And then you reach it, the end of the pass, but it's the middle of the day and it's still fairly bright. And then you reach it, the end of the pass, and there's a little clearing. And somewhere off in the distance, you can hear running water, but you don't see it. And as you move through, you arrive here. Just an open glade. And at the center of it, a strange gate? And at the center of it, a strange gate?

A little mound of vines wrapped up, columns, stairs, a little pillar, a plinth, and Fearne, this is where you came through to the prime material plane. It was lost to you, forgotten, fuzzy, but this was it. And this entire place radiates with fey energy and all of you feel it. Though it's peaceful and it's quiet. And the longer you stare, the little orange buds begin to open up

and turn to face you. So I'll put you out on this little thing. Just to see what you want to do. She's still full Taylor Swift goat eyes. Yep. Wow. Yeah, the plant. Lovely.

This is the gate that I went through and how I got here. I think that's what was pulling me, because I feel my home. I feel my nana. Are you wanting to go back? I always want to go back, but I... I don't know if it's time yet.

I have some things to do. And I don't think I should return empty-handed, but it feels so nice. and I don't think I should return empty-handed, but it feels so nice. It smells like home. It feels like home. It's pretty. Thank you. Fearne, as you exhale as you're speaking,

you notice that all of the verdant greenery gets a little bit brighter and a little more alive. And those of you that have spent enough time in nature seem to notice that it gets almost too green. The contrast seems to go off a little bit. And what seems very pastoral and idyllic, it heightens. And it's almost like a frog in a pot situation

where it's not uncomfortable, but you see that everything's just becoming a little bit more bright and intense. I check my rations. Are they moldy? Yeah, it's kicking in. I feel like the bugs are. God. Make an arcana check for me. Aw, hell yeah.

One. Oh! Dirty one. It's wild. We are idiots. It's wild. You reach in and you reach for a little hip toast. I don't know why a little hip toast. I don't know why it's hip toast. And you grab it.

Hip toast seems about right. Hip bagel, baby! Hip bagel! My hip toast. Yeah. No, hip muffin. Brought to you by the people who brought you pocket bacon. Yeah! Hip toast! Hip toast!

And you grab that bread that was definitely fresh a couple days ago, and it's stale and hard. And as you squeeze a little bit, yeah, it begins to decompose under your fingertips. Oh boy. Is there anything creeping about the bushes here? Perception check. At advantage, this is my new shield.

Yeah! Yes! If I start getting real weird in about an hour, I apologize in advance. Is anyone having allergies or like? 22. Ooh. I don't know. There is. It's a lot, I know. I feel like I can't really breathe right.

There's actually no fauna here. It's really weirdly quiet to any animal sounds. And as you look through that little arch, it's clear, you can see trees and shrubbery on the other side, but there is a sense, you don't know quite how, of motion coming from there. The arch. Mm-hmm.

We're following your lead here, Fearne. What happens next? I mean, I could always go in and say hello to my grandmother. I could show you my home. We could definitely ask her about, well, I guess we know about the circlet. Have you ever been to the Fey Realm?

No. I feel like I'm really struggling here. Is it? Is it like this? Because maybe I'll just stay. It is. It's all like this. Wow. Opal, you sneeze,

and it's the one that your hand only catches a little bit. And even though everyone has to close their eyes when they sneeze or their eyes pop out of their head, I think, you open your eyes just in time to see a couple little droplets of spittle freeze in midair and then move back toward you. Oh. All right, maybe sooner than an hour.

What time is it? You look up and you see both the sun and the moon in the sky, and the sun's at the highest point. Well, we could just stay here for the night. We'd have to eventually. I mean, you're obviously drawn to this. We came all this way. It's right in front of you.

Something's in there. You probably already know that. Yeah. Are you sure this is the same gate? Positive. The same place, the same field, the same forest, the same gate that you came from to our world. Yes.

Yes. Yes? Yes. Dorian, you feel the breeze reverse. I don't like it here. Yeah, I didn't want to be rude or anything, because I know this is your place, but something's not right.

I don't usually, my hair doesn't usually look like this. Opal's hair is fucking huge because of the humidity. I just, I'm uncomfortable. I know, it's a lot. Fearne, give me an arcana check. Okay. That would be 15. Your attention is suddenly drawn

to that sense of motion in the arch. And you see at its edges, light green and orange begins to sparkle at its edges and begin to creep across. But only you see it right now. Can we go in for just like five minutes? It's very easy to go in and out. Are you asking us if we want to go to the place that we've only read about in storybooks as children? Because the answer is yes.

Okay. I mean, I'm sure a lot of stories are made up because it's, well, it is pretty wonderful. Okay. I mean, I'm sure a lot of stories are made up, because it's, well, it is pretty wonderful. Now we can compare notes. Go on. Okay. It's been a while.

It's been a while. It's been a while. Hit yourself. I did it myself. I'm going to stick my hand through. The moment you go to stick your hand through, what was just falling green and orange glittering light becomes more of a mirror.

And the reflection on the other side, fingers into a wrist, into an arm, are dark like burnt oak, charred and sooty, and you can smell old burn. I take my hand back. You take it back and the reflection hand continues to push through. And out steps another faun.

And she is of a height with you, dressed in the same sort of gossamer-thin gown, but sooty black. And her eyes are goat pupils that drift back and forth a little bit like a lava lamp, going from multiple pupils to a single long slit. And her hair is long and lank. And she moves a little wrong,

and all of the angles of your face that are softened and pretty are hard and edged in her. And she smiles at you, and her teeth are fanged. And as she opens her mouth to speak, you see just a little flicker of flame and two burning points of light. Hello, Fearne. And all of you can see her now, too.

Is she clearly a reflection of Fearne in some way, or a different faun entirely? Give me a Insight check. That would be, that's just an 11. a insight check. That would be... That's just an 11. It's hard to tell. So much of the stature and bearing began similarly to Fearne,

but she's a little more hunched and a little more angular and a little just rougher looking, so it's hard to tell. Is Mister reacting to the new faun at all? You look down at Mister, who I believe is still on SWAT duty on you. And it's only after a couple minutes

that his head turns at almost an owl-like 180 degrees, and he just freezes and is staring, but doesn't react. Okay. Do you have a twin, too? No. I... Do I know this person? Insight check.

I'm not wrong, right? Her nana's a little freaky. Nana? I don't know. 16. You look at her closely, and then you spot it, the little details, the choices that you would make. You recognize the flowers, even though they're wilted and burned,

are the same deadly, poisonous blooms that you keep in your hair, except instead of just being in a little crown of laurels, they're sprouting out of a crown of thorns that appears to be made out of a black, glassy rock. You recognize her. It's time to come home. Okay. Okay.

Mom? No. I am not. Mom? No, I am you. Oh. Time is different here. And I am what you should be, will be, if you come back now. Don't do it. What happened to you?

I found my power. And as her mouth stays open a little bit, you see those two burning eyes. And Dorian, since you're the one that asked, you see that Mister's eyes begin to glow the same white hot shade. I notice it right away. Right away.

Fearne, get back. Well, it's just me. I'm sure she's not very harmful. I'm going to back up. And as you back down the stairs, she continues to move forward. And you see that shimmering on the other side of that falling glitter are other beasts,

other things waiting to come through, but she's put her hand up, and for now it's just her. This is sweet pea and bumpers and papers? I mean, give me a perception check. 17. 17. The forms are the right shape. You see a massive bear,

a huge, long, crocodile-like form, a tiny and lithe rabbit. Do they look okay? You can't quite make them out. They're in silhouette behind this light. Okay. As Fearne is backed away, Orym has mirrored her movement,

except he's always two steps behind her and two steps to the right, just parallel movement. How? Is grandma okay? She is fine for now. Okay. The War Queen wants you back. You cannot, we cannot be the outcasts our parents are.

Come home. But it doesn't seem like my future looks very bright. I am more powerful than you are now. Did you put on the circlet? And she gives a little nod and you see the way it shines, like that is absolutely the circlet. I search to make sure I still have it. You do.

Ah, she's lying. Let me see you do something. Sure. And she reaches her hands out and all of the foliage in and around this gate begins to burn. It spreads out as a wildfire begins from behind her, behind the gate, and begins to move back.

Wow. That is so much power. And as that happens, you watch this from your place, well hidden in the woods. You're struck suddenly with a strange sense of deja vu, a sickly sweet churning of your stomach that is so distinctly fey and voices somehow familiar

speaking to you in the dark. The flames rise up, and in the space of a blink, you are back in that darkness again. How long were you there, and why? The darkness is a blank spot, a lesion on your memories, a burned spot. And that smell, that burning, that sweetness, that wrongness fills your nose as you watch. Your instincts, or this gift, whatever you want to call it, has sent you across countless miles and across many planes.

But always for a purpose. To help others, to help yourself. But never has it brought you back to the same people twice. And you don't recognize these five, but you know that you know them. And whether or not they realize it, they are in danger.

And you are here. So Fy'ra Rai, what do you do? Dark being! Whatever you say you are or say she should be, she will make that decision in her own time, not yours. And this dark being immediately snaps her head at an impossible angle over her shoulder to look deep into the woods.

What does she see? Please introduce yourself, Anjali. Yay! Ooh! Shall I drus Anjali or Fj'ra'kai? Fj'ra'rai? I mean, live your dreams. Let's stick with Fy'ra Rai for a moment. Yes!

You see on one of the stone plateaus, not the stone mesas, a tall, dark figure with fire for hair and gold sparkling off her arms, her neck, her dark, dark skin. She stands clad in all black, tall black boots, and beside her, a tall staff, staring, piercing into the eyes of this creature and looking at you directly at the same time.

She will decide. You shall go. At the same time, she will decide. You shall go. I will burn everything away to secure my future. And the fires lick up and begin to wrap around this little glade, and I need all of you to roll initiative. Ooh! Ooh! Hey. Hi, guys, I'm Anjali. It's nice to meet initiative. Ooh! Ooh! Okay.

Hi, guys, I'm Anjali. It's nice to meet you. Hi! Hello, my girls, hi! Welcome to the kingdom! Hi! Surprise! Nice to meet you. Hello!

I'm going to give that little figure to my board! Woo! You're over here. Oh, I want a close-up of that. Wow. Rah! Okay, did anyone get a 25 to 20? 21.

Ooh, okay. Ooh, I got a 21 as well. Who's got a higher dexterity between you? Probably you. It's an 18. I did. What's your dexterity? 14. 19.

Uh-oh. No, I got, yeah. Oh, sorry, that was you. I don't understand people's voices at recognizing. No, 19. Uh-oh. No, I got, yeah. Oh, sorry, that was you. I don't understand people's voices or recognizance. No, sure. Cool, thank you. Yeah, we're far apart. I'm sorry. I'm after Orym. Okay, cool. Orym and Ferry.

You're saying it was 19 you said? No, no, no, 19. Okay. No, no, no, no, 19. Who's between 19 and 15? 19, anyone else? Oh, this is going to be fun. Shit. Oh, look at the hair.

Ooh, I want to see it. Oh! I didn't have time to go to the salon before this shoot, but just imagine. And the boot. She's got the boots, honey. Yes. 10 to 14. Oh no. Uh-oh. Oh no.

Hey. Hi. Oh god. Nine to five. Oh. Oh, wait, wait. Nine to five, eight. Oh, sorry. Oh no. What number did you roll?

What number did you? 13! That's between 10 and 14. Oh, for fuck's sake. That's okay. I have that effect on people, don't I? Respect. Striking. Yes, Opal is struck.

Okay, eight? Eight. Three. Buddy! That's a one. Buddy! I'm rocking in this game. Your rolling in this game is spectacular. Whenever I play a player, my rolling's always shit. Amazing. Middle. in this game is spectacular. Whenever I play a player, my rolling's always shit. Amazing.

Middle. I didn't write anything down. Bless me. One second. Okay. I'm going to put my luck behind the DMs. Cool, cool, cool. All right, so let me move you into slightly more accurate spaces.

You said you were two back and two to the right? He would have been within five feet, gameplay-wise. All right, how's that? Uh, behind her a little bit. A little bit. Perfect, perfect. Okay, you were just right on her tail. Yep.

I'm going to keep y'all, does this feel okay for you? Mm-hmm. I think it's about right. Yeah. Sweet. And where's my bad guy? Oh, there's no bad guy, you're fine. Yep. Okay, there? Yeah. Sweet. And where's my bad guy? Oh, there's no bad guy, you're fine. Yep. Okay, there we go. I'll just get this little girl.

She's cute, and there's nothing else coming down. Whoa, scary! Okay, first up is Orym. Oh man, yeah, I'm just going to, I'm going to move to the bottom of those steps with one foot up on them and drawing out his sword and holding it. And I'm just going to stand now in front of Fern

and hold. Use my imagination because you will fall off. Right. And if she, if this woman comes down to hurt Fern or myself, then I'll attack. Okay. I'm holding, I'm guarding. All right, beautiful. Fearne, you're up.

Okay. Can we get cool, like, spooky orange lights? Because there's a fire. Ooh. There you go. Firelight. Fire. Fire.

Oh. It's so fancy. Right. Okay. Orange lights. Orange! God, I love you guys. All right! Thank you. Sure. It's so fancy. Right. Okay. Orange lights. Orange! God, I love you. All right!

Thank you. And Anjali, you introduced yourself as Fy'ra Rai. Fy'ra Rai. Fy'ra Rai. Oh, I love her. Okay, so for starters, I am going to, make sure I do this right, as a bonus action, I'm going to speak to my staff

and activate the little snakes in my staff. I feel like I need more information. As those are going, I'm not going to attack yet. Okay. Did you find... I'll give you a little mystery, too, by the way. Oh no, he's with Opal. Who?

Did you find Mama and Papa? I'll tell you if you come back with me. But Nana said I can't come back yet until I... Nana lied to us. Until I finish. Nanna lied to us. She hid the truth. She sent the letters. She gave the gifts. Our parents ran.

I don't think you're telling the truth. I don't think you're telling the truth. I use my action to talk, so I'm going to stay. Okay, do you want to do anything else with your bonus action? The staff is going ready. Okay, cool, cool, cool. Yeah, okay, I'll stop there. Okay, Fy'ra Rai, you're up.

How far am I to this thing? 40 feet. I will take all of my movement. Yes. Which is 40 feet. Yep, yep. And can I get between it and Fearne? Yeah, you can get up on the steps if you want. I can put you here.

Cool. You just add a little gangster lean because I forgot to bring my attack out. Mind it one bit. And I am just going to stand at the ready. Okay. And I'm going to hold for attack and say one more time,

You will go now, I said. And she turns and smirks at you and says, That's the funny thing about time. I've killed you all already. And she opens her mouth and her jaw unhinges and she begins to just vomit out this white, hot fire and you see rolling out from it is another version of Mister,

but this one's a little different. He looks more like Inoue with big tiger-like paws and a monkey body and a snake for a tail. And she grabs out of the thin air a staff exactly like yours, but it burns and immediately immolates. And the adder goes from the staff and attaches itself onto the back of her mister's tail.

As he lunges forward, bypassing you all, I'm going to let you have a tactile opportunity if you want them. And he's going to make his way towards the other mister. That's not enough information for me yet. I hold. All right. Is he clearly going to attack?

Does it look like, is he bopping over to say hey, or is she full-on just going? Does it look like an attack run? I know that's a weird question. Give me an insight check. Is he Naruto running? I will take an attack of opportunity, by the way. Yeah? Oh!

Yes. Amazing. Okay, go ahead. I'm actually going to take out my Thorn Whip to try to just, I'm going to take out my Thorn whip to try to just... I'm going to take out my thorn whip. I'll tell you what I do if it's successful. It's a rumble! Let's go.

Ooh, okay. I forgot. 22. 22 absolutely hits. Okay, so what I would like to do is send it out and try to pin her arms down and- Wait, are you-

Sorry, but you have the attack of opportunity on this mister that's running by you, not on her. Oh, on the mister, not on her. She's still in front of you and has moved. Got it, okay. Scratch that. I want to see what's going on. Okay. I want to, I want to, I want to feel it out a little more.

All right, all right. All right, so he's going to continue by and he freezes right in front of your Mister, who's going to disengage himself from your chest and stands and begins a face-off between the two of them. That was her bonus action, and for her action, she raises her hands, and on the breeze, ash and bits of wood tend to fall down

and start to roll and form into little piles as these little bugs, scorpions made out of burning driftwood, appear. Nice. Whoa! Dripwood Scorpions, that's a great band name. Bought a couple of those when I drove through Carmel last. He's on one right now. Thanks, I hate you all. That's a problem. And the last one here.

Oh god. Oh, we're fucked. And that's her turn. Okay last one here. Oh god. Oh, we're fucked. And that's her turn. Okay, next up is Opal. God, I knew we should have left. Oh, I hate it, I hate it here. I want to cast Poison Spray on these fuckers. Yeah, go ahead and make an attack roll.

Or do you want to make a save? She can't. Oh. But I said what I said, make attack roll. Or do I make a save? She can't. Oh. But I said what I said. Make your roll. Okay. Fuck. 20. You go and you feel that pulse of energy coming out from the side and it stops at your fingertips.

And you hear, Just apologize! Not just fucking apologize. Cool, you're going to die. Like, you realize that, right? That bitch said she killed you already. Shut up, Ted! I'm thinking.

Maybe think about saying a quick, I'm sorry, and I'll help. No. Cool, tight, tight, tight. Uh, wild. And Ted, I just wanted to say. So I've tried to do that and I'll help. No. Cool, tight, tight, tight. Wild. And tight, tight, tight, tight. So I've tried to do that and I can't. Am I done? No, no, no, I'm not going to.

That was a flavor thing. Oh, I love it. So you can make a different choice. So she is not, I'm not going to apologize. Wild! And then I'm going to take out my vicious whip. Yeah. That's quite vicious. And your incredulity. I'm going to take out my vicious whip. Yeah. Of course it is.

And your incredulity. Very vicious. I'm going to take out my vicious whip. You should say it that way. I'm going to take out my vicious whip. Before I describe anything, I have to roll, correct? I mean, yeah, you can describe what you're starting to do.

Okay, I take out my whip. What I want to do is that I want to hit those, the ones behind me. Yeah, don't point the screen that that means anything to do. Okay, I take on my whip. What I want to do is that I want to hit like those, the ones behind me. Yeah, don't point the screen that that means anything to me. The three scorpion situations behind me. Okay. What I want to do,

and I don't even know how whips work really. She just liked the look of it. What I would like to do is just kind of like swat at them. Just go pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. Okay. If it's possible, I don't know. I was going to say, if you roll a natural 20,

I'll give you a chance to hit all three, but for now you're making an attack at one of them. So which one? Okay, the one, I suppose the one that is right, sorry. The closest one to you? The closest to me, yeah. Okay, okay. Go ahead. That is a 12. A 12 glances off of its exoskeleton

as you kick off a little bit of burnt, dead fire, but it doesn't harm it. It's great. I think what she would do is be like, oh god, and then move maybe towards the center, further away from, I know that she's really only getting closer to the other scorpions, but she's just in panic mode,

so maybe she's just going to move behind the dangerous mister. You want to be behind the dangerous mister? Yeah, just like, mm-hmm. Okay. You come around. She made a bad choice, but. No, it's all good. She's freaking out. You're good, you're good, you're good.

Anything else? No. All right, next up is. We love bad choices here. Yeah, right? Dorian and Dariax, you're good. Anything else? No. All right. Next up is. We love bad choices here. Yeah, right? Dorian and Dariax, you're on deck. Did I hear Opal just have an argument with herself and see her fail to do her magic? Yes. Okay.

I am going to, seeing how fucked we are, I am going to go, Opal, I don't know who the fuck you are talking to, but whatever you need to do magic, do it. Dariax. What? You've always wanted to kill the monkey, right? Yeah.

Well, here's your opportunity. And then I'm going to cast Bardic Inspiration on him for my bonus action. And I will turn around for my action. I'll move whatever that is, 10 feet, and I'll take on the furthest away Driftwood Scorpion. Which one, this boy? The one, I can't see that boy you just pointed to.

Oh shit. Oh god. Like the one? Yes, the one to my left. Yes, right there. This one or not? Yeah, that's the one. Okay, cool. I'm going to keep moving them. Right there. I'll move you here. Perfect! And the only action I have left

would be a single-handed weapon attack. So I'll pull up my moon-kissed scimitar and take a swipe at him. Moon-kissed is wrong, I just made it up. Moon-kissed! I think that's what it's called now. I know. So, all right. How'd you do?

I'm about to find out. All right. Mm, 16. Hits. Sweet. And that would be a, oh god, hurry. Where are my weapons? Yeah. Why are all my weapons gone?

I'll have to fix that. Do you happen to know what that is? Just a d8. A d8, that's right. Thank you so much. I'll fix it real quick. You're good. Oh, that is a six plus two is eight. Nice. Cool. Beautiful.

And you swing down and your blade gets stuck in it. And as you pull it free, the front of one of its claws scatters away, like driftwood, and goes inert again on the ground. Perfect. Dariax, you're up. I get my spear at the ready and then look at how many things are closing in around on the ground. Perfect. Dariax, you're up. I get my spear at the ready, and then look at how many things are closing in a round, and see my friends being surrounded and go,

No. Let them fight. And... I'm going to go ahead and... What? You sound like me. I know the rap, but still. I'm going to go ahead and... Why do you sound like me? Yeah! I know the reference, so I am. I'm going to go ahead and dart around Mister and give him a like,

I believe in you. And move a little bit closer on the other side near where Dorian is. Like here? One spot towards Opal, actually, from where you were pointing. Here? It's about there, it's good, yeah. Kind of still in combat with that guy.

I'm going to go ahead and cast Bless. Ooh! On Dorian, on, let's see, it's a 30-foot. You can catch. Can I catch? You can catch Fearne. Okay, I'll catch Fearne, Dorian, and- Yeah, I'll give you Orym, too.

That's fine. I think Orym's got this. Ah. Feeder or Eye? Feeder or Eye, the new one. Tight. All right. So you got blessed, you got plus d40

or attack rolls and saving throws. Thank you. Beautiful. Anything else? That's my turn. All right. Time for my little bad boys to do a hit and a throws. Thank you. Beautiful. Anything else? That's my turn. All right. Time for my little bad boys to do a hit and a hurt. These ones are going to close in. I said just for one.

One for Dorne. Every attack, every saving throw. For this whole thing here. Until the spell gets knocked out of me. Oh, dope. Okay, thank you. We'll go for Orym. All right, first one. Orym, does 14 hit?

Does not. Too small, too quick. A five, one misses Opal. Does a 12 hit you? Oh yeah. No. Ha ha, no! All right, they skitter up in there, rolling very badly.

All right, natural 19 to hit Dariax. Checks up. Okay. Finally roll some damage. You take four points of piercing damage. Four points of piercing damage. Sweet, and now I need you to make a strength saving throw as it attempts to grapple you. Oh no.

All righty. Oh god. Oh no! I saw it go flying. 16. Oh no. You're fine. You're able to pull yourself free and it does not grapple you. Damn right, but I still got to make

a concentration check to see if I lose bliss. Oh, yep, yep, yep. Which I make it with an 11. Yes. Nice. Okay, and then a 13 and a 17. Does the 13 and 17 hit you, Dorian? Not the 13, 17 does. Okay, so then one hit on you

for five points of piercing damage and make a strength saving throw as it attempts to grapple you. Oh, you creep! Two. You are now grappled. Oh, fuck. Okay, we're back up to the top again.

Because I held my action, can I take an action now at the end of the round? You know what? I'll allow it, because a lot of you held your actions if you want to do something. Because I held my action, can I take an action now at the end of the round? You know what? I'll allow it, because a lot of you held your actions if you want to do something. Where I am right now, it looks like I can still faint back to that scorpion behind me.

Yeah. Is that true? I'll give you a little. Excellent. So I say thank you, because she's flashy. I see what's happening behind me, and I'm keeping my concentration on the dark faun, I spin my staff back toward the scorpion behind us. Okay. Add d4 to it as well.

Yeah. 14 plus 19. No, 18. Did you add a d4? Yes, 18. Did you add a d4? Yes. Did you roll a d4? Oh, I thought it was just, oh, oh, oh. It's not a flat four, it's roll a d4.

All good? Ha ha! I felt so passive aggressive on someone. 16, 16. Cool. 16 still hits. Joke. So I go back and I spear, like I spear it with the bottom of my,

the tip of my staff back into that and come back out. Beautiful. Give me damage. And both Fearne and Orym, do you want to take those held actions? Because we're about to hit the top of the round again. Yeah, Orym looking between these two opposite twins, be like, I don't, Opal, I don't know what's going on. And he'll stab backwards into the scorpion behind him.

Beautiful. Damage is nine. Beautiful. I still have a bonus action, may I take it? Yeah. And then with my bonus action, I close the staff to its smaller version and swing back around.

Okay. Which is 24 plus, oh no, I have to actually try to hit. I remember how to play this game. 18 plus 23. Hits. Six damage. All right, beautiful. Still up, that's great.

And I rolled a 12 to attack on Scorpion. Misses. Mm-hmm. Fearne, do you want to do anything? Yes, I will take, I'm going to just look behind me and have one of my snake heads attack the drift scorpion behind me. Okay. Okay.

Okay, at the position. 11? Okay. And the snake goes in and tries to hit and the scorpion's claws clack and it backs away and can't quite find a good way to get in and get a hit. I'll give it a scratch on the head. It's okay, you tried. Next time.

Orym, you're up. Fearne, you're on deck. Okay. I still, that, you tried. Next time. Orym, you're up. Fearne, you're on deck. Okay. I still, that's you with Vestige. He'll just turn and continue to try to stab at the scorpion to follow Fearne's lead. She's not attacking herself yet, so I'm not going to either.

That is an 18 to hit. Absolutely hits. Okay, so that is... That is a six damage from the sword. You've taken out the first Driftwood Scorpion. How do you want to do this? Oh. Yeah. Nice. Yeah.

Surprisingly light. And he'll lift it up and then just throw it off into the bushes. Nice. Which one's that one? Ginger. Like the guy with the bob. Carve it. The guy with the what? The bobcat.

And it disappears in the bushes, but you still see bits of driftwood trap and it'll pop out of it comically, sort of exploded apart. You hear a xylophone sound. I don't know. It's the faint wild. Just calm it.

But you know what I will do is I'll use my movement to, I will bound around this gate and get up behind her and just watch still for Fearne's lead. How far do you want to get behind it? I don't think I want to get directly behind it. I think I would get to her. It is shimmering down. It is now in portal mode.

Dark ferns, I'll be on dark ferns left. Love that. Oops, sorry. Girl, take a nap. Yeah, right there. Just take a little nap. Within melee. Go to sleep! I'm not dead! I think I'll go for a walk!

God, trying to touch this, but I'm so cold, Kathy, and I'm afraid I'm going to shatter it. Ooh! Ha! Can't do it, I'm like, welcome to touch this, but I'm so full of caffeine, I'm afraid I'm going to shatter it. Like, ah! Can't do it. I'm like, welcome to the kink! Here you go. Perfect. All right, anything else from you? That's it, I'm done.

Fearne, you're up. Okay, I am going to cast Primal Savagery on myself. Ooh, cool! And you just see these hideous fangs grow from her fingers. Or fangs? No, that's teeth. Oh. Claws? Claws, thank you.

Fangs would be hideous. Sounds like it. That would be amazing, actually. Wow, that's pretty gross. I mean, they look like big teeth. So pointy. Finger teeth. Ash hole?

Ash hole, finger teeth. Damn it! Pink print. Skinning was so cool and not stupid at all. Hello, Ash hole fingerprint. I'm going to go up to Evil Fearne. So I'm sort of in the vicinity. And I am going to slash her.

This is awful Jenga for me. Cool. I'm going to slash her across the throat. Yeah! Get her, baby. Which it happens instantaneously. Let me roll for it. 17.

Plus a d4. Oh 17? Plus d4. Oh, plus d4. Good call. Boom! Four? Yeah. Nice. 21? For 21, does hit. Okay, so. Give me that damage, baby.

Give her. Okay, damage is 1d10 of acid damage. Yes. Just roll this. 10. Amazing. Epi! Yeah!

Dice has changed. And you slash across her throat and smoke and motes of flame and ash come out. Go ahead and make, this is fine, make a dexterity saving throw for me. Okay. Just avoid getting hit with a little bit of it as it comes out. 12.

Add a d4. Come on. Thank god for you. Yeah. 13? That's a lot of help. 13? 13, you're going to take one point of fire damage. Okay. As it just pours out of her neck,

as she grabs it suddenly and staggers back. If you hurt my friends, I will kill you. And it won't be pretty. And all she does is smile. And those fangs remind you so much of Mister's monkey teeth. And she makes this weird gurgling laugh that comes both out of her mouth

and out of the hole in her throat. Ooh. Smoke hole. Anything else? Totally normal things to do. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Checking one thing. Yep. Okay. I am just going to remind you, because I love playing with Action Economy,

that you have not activated Mister yet. Oh, that's right. Yes, that's right. Okay, activating it. Sorry. Okay, activating it. Sorry. Okay, I'm going to activate him because that is a bonus action. Yes, it is.

What does that look like? As I slash Say That, I'm going to turn around to him, give him a wink. Come on, baby. And he gives you a little wink back and then slams both of his hands on the ground and immediately gets caught up and turns into his flame seed. Yes, my good boy!

Tight. He goes immediately after your turn, so. Great, okay. So his turn, he is going to throw a flame seed. At whomst? Evil Fearne. Does he have the range for that? Oh no, where is he at?

He's right here. He's pretty far back. Oh. 60 feet? Yeah, he can hit her. Don't worry. Yes! Finish her! That was almost a natural 20.

Oh, that's a natural 20, though. Shut up! Yeah! Okay. Get it! That was almost a natural 20. Oh, that's a natural 20, though. Shut up! Yeah! Okay! Uh-uh. Get it! Okay, okay, so we've got, so it's 25.

1d6 plus two fire damage. Okay. Woo! That's a six plus two, that is eight. Did you double it? Points of damage. Is this a natural 20? Okay, so double sixes, then? You'd roll what I already rolled.

Or wait, do I double the dice? You can keep the six that you rolled. You could just say it's 12 plus two. 14. Yeah. Amazing, describe what that looks like. Mister's on one, let's go. So he sees the wink. He knows that this is not Mama,

even though it kind of looks like Mama. And he's just going to shit out a hot one. And just chuck it right in her. A jelly roll. It's got a little glitter on it because he learned from the cart. Yeah! He gives you the throw. Yeah! And it hits right across her face.

Ooh, it's wet, too. And splatters up and scatters up and burns. And then you see the creep of her burnt form takes over it and absorbs it. It's not as effective as it could be, but it was still a very good hit. Okay. Flaming shit on the side of my face.

Flames are flaming shit. Can he even breathe? Amazing. Okay. That is my turn. I'm going to stay there. Perfect. Fy'ra Rai, you're up. Uh.

Monkeys. And then me. So much. Oh, so, so, so, so, so. Okay. I step forward and I say, you've made the right decision. And I attack, I say this to Fearne, and as I do, I attack with my staff,

I attack our evil faun. Are you going to come up here and get in on this? Yeah, I'm just going to get in on this. Don't jump back. Oh, cool, I love that. No! But I didn't do that. But I didn't do that.

You did, you knocked her down. No, I didn't. There is no way you can do that. Oh no! I'm going to kill you all. I'm ending this campaign tonight. A new hero arrived and slew them all. I can express the depth of empathy I feel right now. Thank you.

As you laugh, so is it. All right, you're all up here. There we go. There we go. It's so scary. I'm sweating from just this. Yeah. All right, go ahead. 18 plus five. No, 18 plus five, yes.

Did you add your Bless? Plus Bless, so then 18 plus five plus 1d4, I think I'm hit. Yeah, it hits. I'm just trying to get you in the practice of remembering. Yes, no, thank you, because you guys are smart and I forgot that business. Well, let's keep the first round. Okay, so that is six plus three,

which is nine plus 1d4, right? Do I do that to my damage as well, or just to the roll? No, it's not your damage. Okay, so six plus three, so that's nine damage to that. And then I will take my bonus action and I will smack her back with the smaller version. So again, extended small. Perfect.

14 plus, it's my strength, right? Is what my bonus attack is? It says it next to it. Yeah, okay. That's what I'm just making sure. It's 19 plus 1d4, but I think that hits. Yeah, I think. Okay.

Beautiful. Oh, I think. Okay. Beautiful. Oh, sorry, bonus action. I swear I'm going to figure out what dice to use by the end of this campaign. It's all good. Four. Beautiful. Well, she hated that a lot.

I'm sure she did, and then I'm just going to say to her again, so she said no! I don't care. And you all are just in machine gun range as she unleashes the Burning Hands on all of you. I need a dex save. Ooh.

Yeah. Natural 20. Well played. It's an eight, but I do have plenty of fire resistance. You need to add a d4. And I get to add a d4! Yeah! Yeah!

Okay. It's a nine. It's below, but I'll have your damage. How'd you do? 17. Well, okay. Plus a d4. Did you add your d4? That's a d4. Okay.

This says I have advantage against spells and other magical effects. Does this count? This does count. This is a spell being cast at your whole shit. Okay, that's one extra, so 18. Yeah, okay, and 18 makes it. So all three of you, no, no, no.

You didn't make it, but you have fire resistance. But that still means all of you are going to take, oh shit, seven points of fire damage. I halved it already. Oh boy. It was 14 points. Yeah. Seven? Halved to seven. Okay.

Hey man, that's not nothing at level two. Oh boy. I know. So squishy. But I'd be halfway gone. And she turns and looks at you very specifically. I've never killed you before. This will be fun. It certainly will.

Yes. Amazing. All right, and now Mister is going to get into the fray. Sorry, bad Mister. Oh no, bad Mister. Sinister Mister is going to leap at good Mister. No. Oh shit, you rolled a natural 20. Oh no!

No, Mister! Kill him! Zariac. Oh no! Okay, he's going to- Stop, police, murder. He takes six points of bludgeoning damage as he tackles, and I need you to make a strength saving throw on Mister's behalf as Evil Mister tries to lock him up.

Evil Mister. Strength saving throw. Twisted Mister. Do I use my? Twisted Mister! Please take inspiration, that's very good. Yes! That's very good. Damn, that's good. Do I use my own strength as a modifier?

Yeah, if you don't have a, well, Wildfire Spirit should have its own stat block, I believe. I'm not looking at it right now. Oh, I see it, okay. Yeah, if you don't have a, well, Wildfire Spirit should have its own stat block. I believe. I'm not looking at it right now. Oh, I see it, okay. We were four in, and I thought I didn't have to check anymore.

Okay, okay, okay. We talk a lot of shit because y'all made me do that. That is 19 total. Amazing. Yeah, he's able to wrest himself away and isn't grappled, so this snake tail attack isn't going to be with advantage. Does a 14 hit Mister?

It does. And he takes another four points of piercing damage as the snake comes in over his head and just latches into Mister's fiery form, but somehow finds purchase. It does a little bit of damage. You just hear a pair of screams,

one of them low and gravelly, but there's just a Mister situation happening back here. All right. That's it for me. Next up is Opal and Dorian, you're on deck. Okay. Opal's having a real fucking hard And Dorian, you're on deck. Okay. Okay. Opal's having a real fucking hard time. Yeah, you're doing great, baby.

Does not like little critters, and she doesn't like big critters. I was going to say, these aren't that little, so. So she's having a real hard time. And she's so mad. I just feel like, as time goes by, the anger at Ted just gets more and more, and in a rage, she grabs her daggers out of her boots or whatever,

and she just, I don't know how far, I don't know if it's physically possible, we'll find out, but I would like to just come on the heads of each scorpion, or do a pierce each of them. Give me an attack and attack. Yeah. Plow, plow. Oh, wait.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Are you blessed? I am blessed, but. But? So I get, okay. 11 plus, fuck, 12 for one. Miss. God. She's real pissed now. Ooh!

Oh! 21! Yeah! Which one? I don't care. You tell me. I would say. Is she left-handed or right-handed? She's right-handed, so.

Okay, so missed on the right, connects with the left. Yes. Roll damage. Okay. Yeah! That is five points of piercing. Damage. Love it.

And then I guess the only thing left to do is she really hates them, so she's gonna move like maybe three squares towards where the whole gang is. But on the same plane, yeah. Just trying to get away from the scorpions. Both of those are going to get attacks of opportunity on you as you leave. Great.

Do you want it? No, I don't want that. So I'll stay. The mulligan. Expect? I'm saying, well, I'll stay. And that's it. Oh, and that's it. Oh yeah, that's it. You just hear, just say,

sorry is a free action, bitch. Oh my god! I did it! Stubborn. Put it on a shirt. The depths of the stubbornness. Sorry is a free action, bitch. Do I hear these things? You do not hear these.

Dorian, you're up. Dariax, you're on deck. Oh, so I'm grappled? You are grappled. And I imagine they've got me in a little cage of nasty scorpion hands. I think of it more as one of them got you by one arm. It's probably your off arm, so you can still do stuff. That would be my question.

If I got one free hand, can I cast a somatic spell? Totally. Okay, cool. Then I'm going to cast, right away, since I don't like being grappled, I'm going to try and cast Thunder Wave. Okay. Yeah. Yes. I feel like I have to do something about that.

I did nothing. That's good. Yeah, it failed the con save. I mean, does a 10? No, it does not. Well, then the other one did much mean, does a 10. No, it does not. Well, then the other one did much worse, and it happens. What happens? Sweet, so I've got this hand here,

but I've got this other free hand, and my body just charges up and crackles with this inborn electricity. And normally, where I would clap my hands to this, I just make a snap. That's dope! Yeah! And it hits my, actually, it hits everyone within 15 feet, so I think. Yeah.

Please make a, is it? Is this Thunder Wave? I thought you were like, this is Thunder Wave. I think it's a 15-foot cube. It's a 15-foot cube. I thought he'd be clear. Oh, yeah, it's a cube. You can recenter that. I thought he'd be clear. He's clear.

Yeah, you're clear. You can aim it at'd be clear. Oh, he has a cube. You can recenter that. I thought he'd be clear. He's clear. Yeah, you're clear. You can aim it at those two. Yeah, you can adjust the cube where you want it to be to hit just whoever's in a three-by-three square. Sweet, then it'll get the two scorpions then. And what would it be? Two d8s.

Let's go. Let's go. Hurricane. Find them. Woman is my favorite scorpoby-Doo song. Seven. That's not nothing, sir. Seven. And it knocks them back and away, correct?

Yeah, it knocks them far away and it releases my grapple. It does, in fact, release the grapple. Whoa! Yes! Pew, pew, pew! Back here. Look at it clear on the board. Very sad about what happened.

Sorry, guys. Cry more. Anything else? Yeah, I'm going to close the gap between Dariax and I. I want to be shoulder to shoulder with Dariax against these guys. Right here? You know what? No, I want to be in the middle.

I want to be shoulder to shoulder with everybody. Here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to be in the thick of it. Cool, right next to Mister. Tight, tight, tight. Swashbuckling. Love that. You good? I think I'm done. I can't do anything else. Dariax, tighty tight. Smash my clone! Love that. You good?

I think I'm done. I can't do anything else. Dariax, you're up. All right, so the evil Mister, he looks to be also similarly fire-oriented. He's a big fire boy with just a live snake attached to his butt. Oh shit. As you do. Like you do!

I mean, some digestive issues among those people there. He's got a parasite. And how is Mister doing? I don't know, how many hit points does Mister have? He is at... What are you going to do? He is at six. Don't tell me. Six? Not great.

Don't tell me. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it! In this moment, as time slows, and one hand is crackling with fire, in my hand, I'm wanting to throw it somewhere across the scorpions, it got blasted away. It's not going to work on the evil one.

I look at Mister sitting there, and I saw that big hit that he did in the face of that stupid, not fern over there. I'm going to look at him begrudgingly and go, Don't ever talk about this again. And I'm going to take a five foot step in between the scorpion and the evil Mister. Yep.

I'm going to cast Cure Wounds on him. Ooh! He does! Let's go! Red Dead Chilli! He's coming around! It's so cute! My baby!

He heals. I rolled an eight. So that's eight plus three. So he heals 11 points. Heckily! Heckily! Heckily! Let's go! He pulled up! Let's go! I was ready to throw a burning hands with, instead turns into a healing fire

into the wildfire's spirit. Oh. Yeah! And he just does the, like, to your hand and grabs it. Oh! Beautiful! I projected, but allow it to happen. And he claps a little bit. Feeling much better and ready to go.

I do catch it out of the corner of my eye. Yeah, you do. I do. All right, anything else, sir? Uh, no, I don't have much else from my bonus action, so that's going to be my turn. Vibes, all right. How's that faun looking? Uh, she's bleeding. Okay. I'm sorry, don't give me that look.

No, no, no, that's okay. That doesn't seem impressive. That's why I was like, okay, it's not impressive at all. She's I'm sorry. Don't give me that look. No, no, no, that's okay. That doesn't seem impressive. That's why I was like, okay, it's not impressive at all. She's a bad bitch. Yeah, no, I can tell. I've sensed this from her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've sensed this from her.

Right? Yes, of course. So my bad boys are going to skitter up. Oh no. And they can get everybody. We're going to go for Mister, too. This is nice. This is nice for us. And yeah, they'll leave the rest of you to it. All right, let's start with two on Opal. The 19 hits and does a 13 hit?

Yeah. Both. Beautiful. All right. For three points of damage, because I rolled bad. Oh, okay. Cool. All right, those are those two. One on Dorian. I don't know because I rolled bad. Oh, okay, cool. All right, those are those two. One on Dorian.

I don't know why I rolled that twice. One on Dorian. Does a 15 hit you? Just hits. Yeah. For three points of piercing damage, and I need both of you to make strength saving throws. Sorry, I forgot on yours. These are for us again?

Mm-hmm. You try to do a little grappy-grap. Oh, no. 11. You are grappled. Damn it. Oh my god. 10. You are grappled.

Fuck. Goddamn it. We just got out of a grapple. Yep, and then one for Dariax. Does a 14 hit? 14 just misses. Ugh. Nice try! Does a 14 hit? 14 just misses. Oof. Nice try! Does a 14 hit Mister?

Yes. Okay. Five points. Okay. And make a strength saving throw. Okay. Let's go with this one. Okay, that is 16. Mister is fine. Yes! He's able to pull himself free. He is a this one. Okay, that is 16. Mister is fine. He's able to pull himself free.

Yes! He is a good boy. Okay, that's it. Orym, you're up. Fearne, you're on deck. Okay. Am I in a flanking position opposite Fjord and I with Darkfey? Yes. Yes. Okay. All right, we're in the thick of it.

He just mutters to himself, peace was never an option. And he goes into a deep squat and extends his blade out behind her ankle, not touching it, and then starts to corkscrew and leaps, and it slashes her Achilles as he pops up about eight feet in the air. And then I'll use Action Surge

and bring the blade down on her crown. Yes. Go. That's a cool one. Beautiful. Really cool. Heck yeah. I like your style, this little man. Right?

Natural 20. Oh! Oh! Nice! Nice. Nice. And the second one hits, too, although it's not a natural 20.

So. That's fucking awesome. That's very cool. And that's a 14 on the first. Yeah. And 10 on the second. Oh my god. Wow, cool, cool.

She's still up, barely. And I will use my one battle maneuver to then slide in front of her and nudge Fearne just to the side and hold my shield up and Fearne gets an additional two to her AC for the rest of my turn. Oh, nice. Sorry, I forgot when that triggers,

but she is going to use her reaction to cast Hellish Rebuke on you for doing an ouch. An ouchie. So please. So I need you to make a dex save. Dang it, never ask a fighter for a dex save. That is a 17. You make the save.

Yes! All right, so I'll give you half of this damage and I promise I'll roll good to make you feel better. Eight. 13. Seven half of this damage, and I promise I'll roll good to make you feel better. Eight, 13. Seven points of fire damage. That's the half, got it. Yeah. Okay. Damn.

Oof. Sweet. Okay, he's looking pretty burned up, but he's- Nancy, you okay? Sid, get over here! My gas is back up! Sid! Grateful! I don't know who you're talking to,

but swallow your pride. No! Okay, she is looking very, very bad. Sorry, what was your maneuver? Oh, bait and switch, his single battle maneuver. So I switch positions with an ally. That means that Orym and Fearne swap where they are. Cool. And I've added to her AC.

Nice. Can we please do that in our imagination? If you make me touch those again, I'll cry. Thank you. We don't even need to switch places. Just know that I've got the shield up in front of Fearne and it's hovering in front of her heart. Thanks, buddy.

Cool, cool, cool, Fearne, you're up. Okay. Oh god, she's looking rough. I was going to try something, but since she's looking rough. Okay, let me find this again. Hold on. Okay, here's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to use Stonky's Ring. Finally! Yes! Go on. Give us the Stonk! Deeply don't remember what Stonky's Ring is. Put some stonk on it! It's a stonk hole.

This ring comes from a fraternity somewhere. Yeah, for sure. 100% dies. So I'm twisting it between my fingers and I'm looking at the crown on her head and I'm going to try to take it off of her. Amazing. I don't remember how Stonky's Ring works at all. So please break me off with that description. What did I give you last time?

I think it said move everything except stuff that a character's wearing. Well, you can. So you can, if the object is worn or carried by a creature, you have to make an ability check with your spellcasting ability contested by that creature's strength. Cool. All right.

17. Ooh. Okay. But you're rolling with your wisdom. Okay. Let. Ooh. Okay. But you're rolling with your wisdom. Okay. Let's go. 17. Oh! So in this case.

Wait, do I do d4? Does she get her d4 blessed? Oh, you got it. In this case, she would have made it because she's trying to avoid what you're doing. However you have blessed, please add her d4, Bless? Oh, you got it. In this case, she would have made it because she's trying to avoid what you're doing. However you have Bless, please add your d4. Woo! Oh shit.

Is this an ability check? This is an ability check. Bless is only to attack some saving threats. Oh god! No! No, Dex! I'm sorry! I'm kidding. Since she's the one acting in defense,

what does it look like when you activate the ring? Stonky. Stonky. Yeah, just real stonky. What is that? It's got a little stonk on it. It's like a gym bag. You know, it's the same as her magic. It's fiery, it's dark, it's blurry.

And her eyes go into full goat eyes mode, and she's just really focusing really hard and she just puts out her finger and tries to pick it off in the air. And Bad Fearne's hand reaches up and grabs it, and you see that she grabs it so tightly that some of those thorns pierce through, and she holds it and she goes,

If you want it so much, I'll give it to you. What else do you want to do? It's not her turn yet. It's not her turn yet? She'll remember that. much, I'll give it to you. What else do you want to do? It's not her turn yet. It's not her turn yet? But she'll remember that. I do want it. Mm-hmm. I do want it.

I'm going to have her go on her turn. Copy. Okay. Mister's turn. Yeah. Flamin' shit seed. It's so effective! Who you aiming at? Evil Fearne. Okay.

This one's going to be a little harder because there are so many people in that mix. I don't even think it's in. She has got so much cover behind the three of you. Okay, it is in range. Should I roll it just a little bit? No, it's okay. I'm bumping her AC up. Okay, peeking around the corner, throwing it,

I rolled an 18 plus five. What's your d4? So, I don't know. Missing doesn't have d4. So 23. The limitation is my magical ability. It's still just going to hit her. It's just this?

Yeah, go ahead. Judge me first. Okay. Yeah, she cannot die via Dookie. What a world. Seven damage. And he specifically aims the flaming shit in her opened throat slashes

to really get that infection going. Nope, that is not right. Maybe it works like a poultice. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. A poultice? Disgusting. And the best part is, if it wasn't fire damage, it would have finished her.

Ooh, that's right! As it hits and slams into her throat and you hear her scream as she reels back and staggers back and disappears partially through the gate and then looks over her shoulder and behind her. And you see a big creature, quadrupedal. The shadow of it moves up to the very edge of the gate. And we'll enter on her turn.

But Fy'ra Rai, you're up. Oh, I'm just going to try to finish this bitch off. You can certainly try. Let's just do it with it. Let's just do it with this staff. Let's do it. Oh yeah, no. Seven plus five is 12, plus one is 13.

I'm assuming that does it. You swing and she catches it. Excellent. Pushes it back. Pushes it back. That's okay, because I'm going to use a ki point. I'm going to go for two bonus hits. Let's go. Ki points? 18.

So I'm pissed. When she just swats it away, I'm like, oh, really? Okay. And spin around with 15 plus five plus, so it's 18 plus four is 22. That will be one that hits. And then that one does not hit, because that is a two. So let's do a bonus. Just a bunch of her, just a bunch of her.

Two damage plus three, five damage. How do you want to do this? Yes! So she knocks it away, but I just cock my head and I smile at her and I smack her across that open wound in the neck and just knock her head off. Oh! You connect through and you keep pressing

and then you push a little harder and all of you see her muscles flare up as she goes through, shattering across Bad Fern's neck and it scatters out and away, spilling out ash and little motes of fire everywhere, and the entire being of her disappears like a charcoal briquette that's been crushed and just falls away in front of the gate.

I still have my movement, right? Yeah! Excellent. So I said, shall we? And I'm going to take my movement to run back over to these guys and get closest. Get to... Oh god. Oh, sorry. Yeah, there you go.

You got it, you got it. Let me get. I tried so hard! Yes! Can I see who looks the most worse for wear on my run? Yeah, give me an insight. Well, yeah, you would know that, actually, Orym is probably the worst for wear. Orym is the most worst for wear? Yeah. But there's no one,

there's no, mm. Over here? I don't know. Yeah, let me, let me. Yeah, there's a lot of grappling happening. There's so many poor things, okay. I'm just going to get, I'm just going to get right in the middle of it. Let me get right between,

can I get between, there is a, on the other side of, yeah, you were right between Mister and Scorpion. Between Mister and Scorpion. Between Big Mister and Scorpion. Yeah, here? Sure, that's fine. Cool. That's close enough. Yeah. I was going to scooch in

between Big Mister and the Scorpion behind him. Sorry, like here? What a mess. I don't understand. That's fine. I don't understand words! Be where you are. Be where you are. It's going to be fine. Sorry, like here? What a mess. I don't understand. That's fine. I don't understand words! Be where you are. What is human language? Between Dorian, Big Mister, and Dariax, there's a little hole in the space between those guys. I don't know if that's an option.

If it's not, no worries. Shall I live where I am and not make this compli- Sorry? Does your weapon have reach on it? Yeah, it has a lot of reach on it. Does it have the reach property, or are you just saying that? Oh, what do you mean?

I don't know what that means. I just didn't know it was a property. So where you're standing right now, you can hit the scorpion, but these ones are out of reach unless- I'm not talking about those guys. I wish I could show you on this little screen. Don't worry about it.

Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. It's quite all right. All right, what are you trying to hit? Do't worry about it. Don't worry about it. It's quite all right. All right, what are you trying to hit? Do a hit, please. I can't hit anything. It's just movement. Okay. So I was just trying to get in the thick of it,

so I am a target more than anyone else. Got it. You're trying to pull aggro? I'm trying to pull focus. Got it, got it. Come get me. Come and get me, motherfuckers. I understand. Hit me, not the others. Lurph with it. I am your shield! Sweet.

Although he is her shield. Okay. And at the end of your turn is her turn, but she wasn't able to summon that bad boy all the way through, so you just see Fearne, you especially, you have the clearest view of this, of this massive feline creature prowling angrily back and forth behind the gate, but can't come through.

That is dead bad Fearne's turn. That's her pit. Is she still, so Bad Evil Fearne just bodies disappeared? Yeah, there's nothing left, including the, there's no circle it left behind. Wow. Okay. Opal, you're up.

Okay, so I'm grappled. Pissed. Yeah. And I still have one dagger left. So I can, do I have, can I reach that? Can I reach my dagger? I mean, I'm assuming it's still in your hand. Yeah, it's in your free hand,

so that'll give you one attack. I do, yeah, I want to attack the person, the thing. That person. That's a 20. Well, plus I get, well one attack. I do. Yeah. I want to attack the person, the thing, that person, that's a 20. Well, plus I get, well, it hits.

Um, 22. Um, so I would like to, let me see what the damage is. Okay. I feel like it's on top of me. Right.

So I want to get my dagger and just fucking find like what, whatever, like fleshy spot and just stick it in and then twist it and then take it out. And it's a six damage. Okay. Yeah. You land it, it's still up,

and you are still grappled by it. Goddamn it. Did you say I would like to not be grappled? You said no, now do a hit. Oh, I didn't know that was a ch- Oh. Okay, well, you live and learn. There we go.

But Ted, you're going to fucking get it. Am I, or am I not being held by a giant fucking monster right now? You just went and see. And you literally were like, I'm going to do a hit and not maybe get away from the thing that has a giant tail? Cool, cool, cool, cool.

Brand fucking new, tight. Waiting. Opal is so mad, she can't even talk. What? Opal's so mad, she can't even speak, but she's thinking of doing something. I can hear your thoughts. Just you wait.

That's all I do down here is wait for you to get a clue, but maybe in six seconds. Anything else on your turn? That's my turn. All right. Dorian, you're up. Who's got me grappled? My scimitar hand or my axe hand?

Who's got me? I'll assume it's axe hand. Axe hand and the one that just... Cool, can I hit at Opal's scorpion from where I'm at? Can I reach over and whack at him? Sure. Okay. I'm going to take a swing at him, the weaker one, with my free hand.

Cool, cool, cool. Ooh, 15? 15 hits. Sweet. Was it my scimitar or my ax? I'm sorry. It's your scimitar. Oh, great. Six damage. Nice.

So very awkwardly caught up, I'm going to try to get this thing off of Opal. This thing is still sort of limply holding on and is barely alive, and you see it's mostly kind of coming apart and looks less like a scorpion and more like a pile of wood, but it's still just technically alive. Fuck!

Didn't do it. Anything else? I don't, without my hand, I don't think I can. Nope. Okay. I'm done. Dariax, you up. All right, with a bunch of these scorpion dickholes rushing in around,

now that I've got that healing magic bad aftertaste out of my mouth, looking down at Mister. All right, let's spark this up a second time. Snap and get the flames together as the two are right in front and be like, Come on down, buddies! And then we show burning hands towards both of them, facing away that direction.

They have a DC 14 dexterity saving throw. They both fail. Yay! Nice! That'll bring me to the end. They're not dexterous. Ooh! 14 points of fire damage to both of them. Yeah, they're gone.

Woo! Did you see that? No, all right, they're all busy. Mr. Claps. I saw it! Oh! Oh! Did you see that? No, all right, they're all busy. Mister claps. I saw it! All right, I appreciate that. Yeah, but I'm still in melee with Bad Mister,

so I'm just going to get my spear at the ready and just keep it in front of me, like, back, back, you little fucker. And that's my turn. Amazing. Okay, our last couple are going to take their parting shots. One is going to turn away from Opal

and aim for you instead. Doesn't 18 hit? It does. Yeah, okay. Okay, four points of piercing damage and make a strength saving throw. She goes. I love it. 18 plus whatever. Yeah, you're good. it. 18 plus whatever.

Yeah, you're good. Okay. Plus a thing. You shake off my bad boy. How much did you say, four points? Four points. She's good. She's slimming it with us. She's so cool.

God. What a flesh wound for Opal. Does anyone have a bandaid? Opal, you are grappled, correct? Yes. All right. So a claw attack comes in for the first one. Does a 13 hit? Yep, just hits.

All right. Two points of piercing damage, make another strength save as she tries to grab your other hand. Oh fuck. And now that it has you grappled, it's also going to make an attack with its tail. Oh, wait a minute.

21. Oh yeah, you keep your one hand free just in time to see its massive stinger reach around and gink you for? Eight points of piercing damage. And now I need a constitution saving throw. Oh no, are you unconscious? I might be.

Do I add anything to the constitution saving throw? Yes, your, oh, that's right. Oh, that's right! Oh, thank god. There you go. Let's see. 11 Yes, your con. Oh, that's right. Oh, that's right! Oh, thank god. There you go. Let's see. 11. Plus your con? Whatever was.

Oh, close my con. I have zero. Okay, so it's just an 11. Just an 11. All right, the DC was only 10. Okay. So you're not poisoned. Okay. How you doing? You up? You still up? Wait, how much damage did I just take just now?

Eight. Eight? Hold on, I'll tell you right now. Hold for it, Mav. Oh my god. Two. Still up, though. Okay, okay, okay. All right. There's still some more time. Oh god, I hope I get a next turn!

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. Okay. So the one on Dorian, he's holding you, it is holding you by one hand, but it sees Opal start to sway. And instead of going at you with its claw attack, it's going to swing out and try to hit Opal. So it's actually going to slide over and attack her one more time.

What? Because they're not stupid and they want to kill. I can't do anything about it. The one that's got me grappled, I can't try to maneuver it. Do you have a reaction? No. I didn't know if that would disengage or...

21. No, because it's staying in the range. That's the only reason I'm going to let this happen. 21 hits. Yeah. For seven points. Oh, that's a negative. I'm in the negative. And it strikes out at you with a claw and catches you in the side as you lose consciousness

and it's holding you up still. Okay. And its tail attack is still going to come for you, Dorian, because it's got you grappled. 12 doesn't hit, right? No. Oh, beans. Cool. As it's so at this weird angle that it swings and misses and kicks up dirt between you and Opal.

Oh jeez. And that is the end of its turn. We're back up at the top again. But all of a sudden, out of nowhere, purple smoke begins to rise up from the three remaining. Our little driftwood scorpions. And you all hear people coming in through the clearing. And just at the edge of this little glade, you see a woman, an elf with dark skin, long ears that are decorated

with tons of little platinum hoops, and this immaculate purple robe reaches out, and that same purple smoke extending from her hand, and she's panting, looking at all of you as these last three sizzle and then fall apart, going back into Driftwood. She looks at you all and says, What have you done?

And that is where we're going to take our break. Yeah! Woo! All right. Woo! Stop this lip-swing. Wow. Oh, you're a little bit dead! Yeah, fucked up! What happened? How? We're going to take a break with you a little bit dead.

It's her pride. That's right. That's fun. This is not what I was hoping for when I came to help you. It was good, though. You did a good job. As a point of note, Liam and I were texting about it, that ring, I got it wrong.

And I know I'm going to hear about it. So yeah, it didn't work anyway. So, but yeah. I guess you can't use it on things that are worn. So, yeah. It didn't work anyway. So, but, yeah. I guess you can't use it on things that are worn. Oh, okay. Well, it was a fun

thematic moment that we got to share and I'm proud of it. Our stonky ring is different. It's spelled with an I-E and don't worry about it. Get out of the comments

and we'll see you in a couple minutes after the break. Oh, hey there. I'm Ashley Johnson and you're listening to Exandria Unlimited on the Critical Role Podcast Network. If you'd like to support the show, please check out our EXU merchandise over in the Critical Role shops. Links to all of our regional online stores can be found at CritRole.com.

Welcome back. We leave off and pick up again at the end of a fight in a clearing by a strange fey gate in the woods in the verdant expanse. You won the day, fought back a strange, burnt, harrowed version of fern dissipated her. And as she fades away and even the very ash and soot on the ground is lost to the breeze, the fire, the wildfire that she kicked up begins to come down and dissipate. The same with her evil mister

that's still at the center of this little bonfire of fighting. And all that was lost is Opal, who lies unconscious on a pile of driftwood that was once the scorpion that ended her. And an elven woman in purple looks at you all strangely and asks,

What have you done? But in that moment, in that heartbeat, a couple things happen. We'll start with Fearne. Fearne, can you make an arcana check for me? Ooh. 21. You look through the gate and you see that the rate

of that glowing, glittering green and orange begins to falter and those silhouettes, those shadows, some menacing and some familiar begin to dissipate. And then a voice and a figure stands like a sentinel at the back of your mind. And a couple words recurring, a name, a title to this figure pass through your mind. The Unforgiving.

High War Queen of the Burning Veil. Matriarch of the Seelie Court, and you feel her displeasure, intense, burning bright hot at the failure of that other strange fern. But as the gate goes fully inert, all of that leaves you, and you're back here in this moment with your friends.

Opal. Thanks, I was doing a tone thing. That's right. Now you're good, you're good. You are in a dark place and you push yourself up to standing. Oh. And you are face to face with your sister, looking incredibly cross.

What? Just going to let me die? It's not my fault. Yes, it is your fault. How? You took away my power. No, you thought you were too good for your power. It was your own arrogance. When did that happen? When did I say I was too good for your power. It was your own arrogance. When did that happen?

When did I say I was too good for my power? No, you were like, I never said that. You were mean, and so I was like, just being. Oh, I was mean to you. So you took me away. You are literally. That's so fucked up, Ted. I can't even believe it.

I'm away from home. Oh, you're going to cry? I could cry if I want to. Like, you're dead and still being a bitch. Yeah, because you deserve it. I don't deserve it. I literally, all I've done is try to protect you. This is the same shit as always.

I'm always the bad one. You're always the center of attention. You're always the good one. I'm always the one who's doing it up the big screen to get yourself killed. It's actually really fucking insulting, Ted. You're really insulting. Like,. You're always the good one. I'm always the one who's going to end up making sure you don't get yourself killed. Fucking insulting, Ted. You're really insulting. Why did you even give me this power

if you were going to be such a little bitch about it? You don't even know what I gave up to give it to you. What did you give up? What? Nothing. You had nothing going on. What? Make an insight check. Oh, 14. You are, like, this is,

these are the arguments you have all the time, but you feel this sense of feedback and reverb as the crushing heartbreak of your sister resounds within your own chest, and you see her lose herself to sobs, and you can feel your own chest beginning to tighten up with that barely controlled emotion. I gave up everything to protect you,

and you can't even be trusted to do something to protect you. And you can't even be trusted to do something to protect yourself. I don't even, when did I ever ask you to do that for me? Did I ever say to you? Did I ever ask you for that? You never had to ask. My entire life has been about protecting you. What are you even fucking talking about, Dredd? You are a little fucking star

that walks around by rodent and- Why do I have to be constantly punished for that? Why do I have to be constantly fucking- Appreciating you for what, Ted? For making me feel like shit my whole life? At what point, at what point do I stop paying for the fact that you did fucking nothing for yourself? Like, at what point

do I have to stop taking care of you? I have spent my whole life taking care of you. Oh, really? And if you can't appreciate it, I don't know what else there is to say anymore. But here's the truth. You're fucking dying right now.

And all that's left is this, and you're burning that away, too, and I don't know why. Please stop. Please. I can't help you right now. And maybe I was too stubborn to do something before. I guess I was trying to teach you a lesson,

but I can't save you now. So please, if you get out of this, I will give you your powers back. I will do whatever I can, but please just take care of yourself, okay? What do you want? Why'd you do this? I don't know. It's the only thing I've ever known.

I'm not like you. I don't shine, but that's okay. I have always been fine being in your shadow, but if you're gone, there's no shadow. I love you. I love you, too. Don't fucking die. Don't fucking kill me.

And we leave that, and come back up to a heartbeat later. What do you want to do? You all can see that Opal is unconscious and this woman in purple is finishing off the last of the scorpions and hasn't really stepped in to interact and doesn't really know what's going on,

but you all have a chance to interact. Is Evil Mister still there? Evil Mister is flickering away in the same way that the wildfire, so he's like. I'm going to stab him. Yeah, okay, that's fair. He's like, I got him, I got him. You finally got to kill Mister.

I did it. While he's being stabbed. Yeah, you know what? Go ahead and make an attack roll for me. I'll give you advantage. Oh yeah, look at that! 19 plus, I'm going to use your inspiration. Yes!

There we go. 25 to hit. Oh yeah, super hits. Nice! You have to roll damage. You could just tell me how you destroy Twisted Mister. Beautiful. I turn the spear around, since I'm right there by him,

and I see Opal on the ground, just not moving. And so I look down and basically use my spear to pull Valt over to her, but jamming into the space where he was as he dissipates, and swing over and be like, Dead monkey, you fucking monkey! And then run over. Amazing.

And you punch through him and he just crumbles out and goes away. And we start slapping our face like, Opal, Opal, you all right? Opal, you with us? Opal, Opal. Shit. I'm going to rush over to Opal. And I call to him, you!

You are a healer of some kind, no! More or less. Make it, fix her! I'm going to! No! I'm doing this because I was going to, not because he told me to. I'm going to say that because you spent your action doing the little hop over, Fearne has enough time to come over, too, if you want.

I'm going to come over, too, if you want. I'm going to come over and I'm going to get down on my knees and bring Opal in and hold her head and push her hair to the side. And I'm going to cast Cure Wounds. Dope. Okay. That is...

Haven't healed somebody in a while. It's been a while. It's been a while. Okay. That's 12 points of healing. Jeez. I'm going to see her doing this and I'm right there and I watched her come over and I'm going to see this sort of tender moment that

I don't necessarily share that feeling for Opal, but I do for what's going on in the crowd. So I'm just going to put my hand on Fearne's shoulder and cast Cure Wounds as well, and just try to push through that and help her. Nice. And do the same. Boy, I need that. Orym is going to limp around the entire group and get between the group

and this stranger we don't know anything about yet, really. Okay. So you can add eight to her 12, I guess. Yeah. Finishing arguing with you, like, I'm just saying, the more you push, the more it makes me not want to do it, but I'm going to do it anyway.

And I turn back. Oh. Yeah, Opal, you're up, and I'm pretty sure back up to full. Yeah. Oh! Oh, hold on. Content! Hi. Hi.

Hi. Did something happen? You died. I died? Well, you just went away. You're off for a few seconds. Don't know if you died, but. For real?

Kind of a touching girl. Don't know if you died, but. For real? Kind of touch and go. So she was telling the truth? Who? My sister? I think Opal wants to try to do a spell just to see if her power's back. So she's going to pick just a tree stump, that stump, and cast Eldritch Blast on it

and see if it works. 19. Yeah. You extend your hands out and you can feel a single tear welling in your eye, but your magic works. And that stump gets blasted. Okay, well, I guess my power's back,

so let's just never talk about it again. Thanks. You sure told that stump who's boss. Yeah, I needed to know. Oh, honey. Hi. The elven woman is just locked, staring at Orym, who's sort of staggered over

and has made a defensive position, and she's both looking at you and the wreckage of everything, and the fire, and that gate, then back at you, sort of bleeding. Yeah. As I see him, too, I stand up to sit, stand by him. Who are you?

And, um... Deja vu. Who are you? I am Goldfjord Arai. Is her hood still on? Are Zir's hoods still on? My hood has been down during the battle. So you've seen my fire hair.

You know what? I'll have everyone do it. Can everyone make a wisdom saving throw for me? The difficulty is high. Hmm. Wisdom. Do we still have our blast from the battle? Still up for a minute.

Oh. Seven. You have advantage for a very specific reason. Yeah. I'm going to use my Favorite of the Gods again to add a 2d4 to it. Oh, I have advantage. I can use Inspiration on advantage.

Oh yeah, that's fine. All right, we have Inspiration. You guys got to use that. Used it. Nine. Okay, you got to talk to your dice. Added four. With Inspiration, 28.

Oh my god. Jeez Louise. 18. 16. 18. Both my 18s and the 28, there is something so incredibly familiar about Fy'ra. And during the fight,

you feel as though you had walked back into lockstep. It was a familiar feeling, a pace of battle. feel as though you had walked back into lockstep. It was a familiar feeling, a pace of battle, but you didn't know her name before she said it just now. But there's something so utterly familiar and comforting and a little off-putting. She's got a strong personality about her and it's just beyond your grasp. That's one name.

You're next. You are in my woods. I don't have to answer to you, but my name is Marata Nilsalor. And I would love, love, love for you to explain while you're burning down the forest. Well, I'll explain. I live here through this gate

and we were attacked, so we had to protect ourselves. Attacked by what? I've never seen things like that before. Have you been to the Fey Realm? Make a history check for me. Eight. You're not super certain,

but you know stories of elves specifically, a group of them that occasionally went back and forth through the Feywild, like their whole city would. So when she says, I have, I'm from Syngorn, that name rings just a little bit of a bell. Oh, I think I know where that is. You're not that far from it, but you said that that arch goes to the Feywild.

Yes. And you're from there? Yes. But this being that came through, it was some darker force, darker menacing, not of whatever kind you are. Thank you. Yes.

Is it gone? Yes. For now. And she gives you a look. May I? May I? May I? And she flicks her hand and is going to cast Healing Word on you.

You can take back seven points. Oh, he takes a knee and nods to her. Well, Sin Gawain thanks you for your service, and we have work to do and you see that out of the shadows four more elves clad in purple come out and begin sort of fanning through this little glade

they never get more than 20 they never get within like 20 feet of that little arch but you see them starting to pull out these massive three foot longfoot-long metal spikes with little veins of viridescent crystal running through them, and they jam them into the ground. At intervals, they end up putting six into the ground.

They don't seem to pay you any mind. They don't consider you a threat, but they're also not like, the other ones very specifically aren't speaking to you. Oh yeah, you take it from here, sure. What are those? Make a persuasion check, as she regards you with great interest.

12. interest. 12. There is an excess of leaky energy here that has been a bit of a bother to the High Warden for a while, so this is our best means of cleaning it up. Then is it best we take our leave from this place and let you do your work?

That would be greatly appreciated. May we, if Syngorn is close, may we come there to rest, heal? Or is it far? Or is it forbidden? Give me just a general intelligence check. 15.

It's probably like, I'll say maybe it's a three to four day trip. It's not that close. Oh, okay. They just sort of consider everything west of the city to the ocean is their woods. Gotcha, gotcha. Yeah. Is there somewhere that we may safely rest? I'm not going to tell you what to do with your party.

But I suppose you could be allowed into Singorn if that's really what you desire. Nowhere, nowhere near. We got a Glitter Shitter wagon. We can work that out. What does that mean? Glitter shitter. You kind of have to see it. Do we have safe passage through these woods?

Yes. Ms. Nilsalor, was it? Yes. This leak that you speak of, these spikes, are they meant to fill in the hole or simply stop it? More of a rag to clean up the mess. Friend is from there.

I just wanted to make sure if she wished to return home, she could. I don't see why she couldn't. Is there anything that you could tell me about what's going on here? Have you heard anything? My dear, I have never seen this place before in my life. Well, why don't you go in?

And you see her go just a little bit flush with the cheeks, like, and she slowly begins to approach it. I don't know that this is a good idea. I agree. It's like a big cat thing on the other side. It might still be just waiting thing on the other side. It might still be just waiting there.

Look very hungry. Whatever came out of that portal, it was not only not of this world, I don't believe it was of your world either. Whatever it was, it was not a force of good. Two things appeared in this woods. Our new faun friend and you. What were you doing here? Yeah. What were you doing here?

Yeah, what were you doing here? I was summoned to meet you. From? To protect you. For? We should go. Where?

To your glitter shitter! Okay. As you all sort of turn to leave, Muradha is just sort of lost, staring at Opal. Opal, I need you to make a wisdom saving throw. Oh. Oh, for fuck's sake. Can't read.

Oh, here we go. Nine. What are you thinking about right now? I think I'm just, I can't believe I died. I think it's like her first brush with mortality. I think she's confused about her sister. And I think she's just like, I don't know. It's like when you're really young

and you just don't think that bad things are going to happen to you and then something bad happens to you and then it's just a shock to the system. All of this is washing over your mind and even as you're trying to suppress it a little bit, you realize you can't, that you are not thinking these thoughts.

They are present in your mind and being interacted with and then you feel a push. From her? From Marada? Mm-hmm. Okay. What? Tell me what you're thinking specifically about Ted right now. I guess I just,

I guess I feel bad for her, and I see her in a different light, but also I feel resentful that she just can't have her own life, that she's always got to be attached to me. And all of that emotion comes up again, and all of those thoughts and that sort of understanding of the two of you stuck in that liminal space when you were downed,

your mind keeps circling it and you can't break away. And your eyes sort of flip over to Murata and the intent look on her face. She is why you can't stop thinking about this right now. And then she blinks and your mind is your own again. Can I ask her about it or am I just scared of her? That's not on me to tell you. I'm just letting you know that you felt something

very specifically magical happen to you. What did you just do? I examined your thoughts. Why? Did I give you permission? You didn't say no. I didn't say yes. I knocked, you didn't answer.

What's done is done, and What did you do? I looked at your thoughts. Why? Because I wanted to know them. Well, I want looked at your thoughts. Why? Because I wanted to know them. Well, I want to know your thoughts and I'm not fucking banging around in your head. I step forward in between the two of them

and face Marada and put my hand behind myself to Opal and I say, We should take our leave. And I'm going to back us up away from her with my hand on your shoulder. Thank you. As I push back. Sweet. Make a perception check for me with disadvantage.

Perception? Mm-hmm. 13. You see her lips moving slightly, but she allows you to back up. Go on. Where is the glitter shitter? It's somewhere around that direction. About an hour.

Yeah. Then we should move swiftly. All right. I'm just going to keep my eyes on her the whole time we go. And the purple-clad people go about their work. You see a pale, sickly green light begin to fill the spikes in their array, and they're all just standing and waiting. And they watch you go, too.

As we just get to the edge of the clearing, I'm going to lower my eyelids just slightly and raise my eyeballs to behind my eyelids and see if I see any pictures behind my eyes. Make an arcana check for me. 15. Fy'ra Rai, you have had strong instincts your entire life, and then your time down south tightened them.

And sometimes it's called a gift. And sometimes it's just the thing that you know, like you know. So what are you looking for right now? I am looking to see whether these are benevolent creatures that we have to, or whether these are nefarious creatures that we have to worry about in the future. I want to see their intent towards my companions.

You see a couple things layered on top of one another, like very thin, fine vellum paper. You see that they are eager for you to leave so that they can finish their work uninterrupted and uninspected. You see that in most of the group, they are so

focused on this new artifact, this strange site, and investigating it and wanting to get closer, but deeply afraid of it and turning over in their minds what this could be, what it's from, who it's for. But one mind, stronger and hungrier than the rest,

has put just the smallest seed into this group and it blooms like a drop of ink in a pool of water. And you know that even though you're not going to go to Syngorn, this isn't over yet. All right. And I back out of the clearing. Eyes is on them as far as I can. Ezra is in the clearing and everyone's

kind of making their way out and you finish your moment there. Your ass kind of goes, ahem! Just throwing it out there, but not saying no doesn't necessarily mean yes. Duly noted. And I leave.

Thank you. Marata, if for some reason you do decide to go in, could you send a message to my grandmother and tell her I'm okay? I don't know if you're going to go in there, but maybe she'll come out, I don't know. But her name is Maury Calloway,

and I want her to know that I'm okay. I'm not assuming that you'll be able to, or just if any, I don't understand what's going on here. I just. Make a persuasion check as you see her expression soften under the weight of your sincerity. Um, um, um, 21.

And she was holding her face so tight and so tense and it softens and something at the very edge of a smile just pulls at her cheek. Maury Calloway. If I see her, and honestly, I hope I don't, not trying to turn that thing on, kind of afraid of it, I'll let her know, what's your name? Fearne.

I will give her your regards, Fearne. Thank you. And she gives a little bow. There's a sense of deferentiality to it, of a very old relationship and a pattern taken up by an elf of Syngorn and a being of the Feywild. My tail starts going really quickly and I get a little pink and I do the same.

She sweeps away and continues her work. really quickly and I get a little pink and I do the same. She sweeps away and continues her work. On the walk back to the Glitter Shitter, at some point, Orym, maybe absentmindedly or maybe out of old habit, just falls in behind Fearne and quietly has his eyes on the box with a crown on it, most of the walk back and occasionally looking up at Fearne. I see him looking up at me and I put my hand on his cheek.

And I think while they have that interaction, Opal decides something in her brain, but isn't ready to say it out loud, but she eyes the box with, or the bag. Is it in a bag? It's not in the box. The box was for? The circlet? The circlet. Yeah.

Little sexual. Yeah, she eyes it and considers her options. And as we're walking, I'm going to notice, this is a long walk, but. It is a long walk! You've got like an hour! You said 40 minutes! Yeah!

I swear, it's just over the next ridge. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sort of noticing Opal isolated in consternation and I'm going to make my way over to her and try to walk with her. Hello, Opal. Hi. I know you and I don't talk all that much.

Well, you didn't say anywhere where you're from or anything, kind of insulted me, but whatever. I know, I'm sorry for that, but I just wanted to say that I'm glad you're back with us. Thanks. I am glad your powers are back. And my relationship with my brother is complicated, too. I heard you fighting to yourself, and I know that fight.

I've been there. I just want you to know that it's probably not today, but if you ever like to talk about it, I would talk with you about it. Thank you. All right. Get out of here, you've got blood on you. You're gross.

Sorry. It's a new fur. As we're taking this long walk back. The world's longest walk. The world's longest walk. And I'm protecting them and watching them. I'm also trying to piece together exactly how I came back to this place

and what is this link to them? And occasionally flickering my eyes up, because I know, I know, I know, but I don't know. As you're having these moments, I'm next to you going, so where'd you come from? Like, did you, were you been in the woods for a while? Like, I'm trying to place, you know,

are you from the north, south, east, west, northwest, south, west? Some of this conversation can happen on the wagon. It's all happening, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fantastic. Fast forward, we're on the wagon. So have we arrived at the, this is the conclusion? You're on the wagon. We're on the wagon.

She only heard that through the Saving Private Ryan filter, the. That's exactly it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how most people here react, let's be honest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how most people hear Dariax, let's be honest. The Charlie Brown. We've gotten to the wagon. I'm just asking with you.

You can get back to the wagon. We've gotten to the wagon and this is my first, so my first impression, I'm seeing this spectacle. It's a beautiful purple Vardo with frolicking white painted unicorns, sparkling gold, Gilmore's glorious goods, and a little, oh no, the diaper's not on anymore. But I am currently fashioning a diaper on the back of it.

And he's tying a diaper. There's no reason why you couldn't know. There's no glitter on the ground or anything. We like to travel on the DL. Yep. And two ribbon-tied, massive white Frisian horses that are just vibing, eating some grass. And I believe I would recognize the name Gilmore at this point.

You would. And I just smile at it and I say, well, this is an excellent way to get yourselves killed. It is. Well, hold on a minute. Well, hold on. That's so sweet. We just don't know you.

I stop. I put my, I close my staff. Yeah. And she did. I present myself to you. I am Fy'ra Rai. I am Fy'ra Rai. I am a protector of sorts, shall we say. I know you don't know me, but I know you. And I don't know why.

But I think that my actions have spoken louder than anything. And at this point, if you don't know that I am here to take care of you and here to support you, I don't know what more I can say to do so. Insight check. Yeah, please do. You know, just seems like the thing to do. Yeah.

That is a 15. Can I assist? Because I was going to insight check as well. Yeah, roll with advantage, I guess. That is a 19. Ooh. With a 19, I'll let you answer. What do they see in your intentions?

They see complete sincerity, complete clarity of purpose, and that she absolutely does not know what she says she does not know. And on top of that, I'll simply add, the look in her eye is of someone that is almost a little annoyed. It's like when you're trying to convince your friend

to do something, there is recognition in there that says, yes, here we are, and we're doing this, and I need you to get on board. Yeah, I feel it, too. It's a little strange, but if you don't mind going where we're going, is everyone okay with this, at least in the short term? Where are you going?

We're heading down to this jungle to the south, looking for these Ru of Cuneira. Trying to get some ruins back to our friend Gilmore, who lent us this car. Did I say too much? Was that too much? No. That was pretty straightforward for you.

Okay. So this is why. We journey together. And I smile and I get up in the seat where the horse is, like, to take the reins. Dunk. She just take the reins. I'm not even going to make you,

like, you're kind of a badass, so I don't want to make you do an animal hand. I just check the horse is like, oh shit, okay. Well, boss is here. Boss is here. Snap up. And I just put a hand on one of them before I. I'm like, oh, got it, got it.

I walk a little closer to Dax and go, boy, I wish I had that kind of confidence. And then I spring up like a flea into the driving seat. Cute, cute, cute. I like it. So good. I like this one. Dorian says nothing, but is deeply suspicious. Still. Still. Love it. So good. I like this one. Dorian says nothing, but is deeply suspicious.

Still. Still. Love it. It's weird. It's weird. Yeah, I think Opal's just rejecting any kind of protection from people she didn't ask for protection from. But she's quiet for the first time in her fucking life. Hey. And you continue down the road.

You travel for another week and a half till you reach the very edge of civilized Tal'Dorei in a little town called Byroden. We've got the time, so we're doing it now. You rock up to the city gates and there are mass- I thought you were going to stop and I was like, No, no, no! Don't you dare!

It's still our way! No, baby, it's still our way! Don't you dare! As we exit the thing towards the gate, I'm talking to Dariax, and he's got two sacks of beans, and he's juggling them, and I'm instructing him how to juggle.

Nice. Yeah. All right, all right. You feel the rhythm, right? Yeah, yeah. Up, up. Back and forth, back and forth, yeah. You're a natural! Really? Yes! Oh, wow.

I'm so proud of you, Dariax. Hey! When do I get to add the third one? We'll talk about it. Okay, okay. Have we taken the Glitter Shitter cape thingy, or is it still just a bag of glitter poop in the bag? It's like a little, it's a full diapie.

At all times. I'm concerned about it. Yeah, full diapie at all times. You check on it every now and then. Because I am wondering what this thing, I've not seen what comes out of it. I'm just wondering what the hell did he, you put this cape on the back of the. So I'll untie my cape,

and I'll take it, I'll just go, and I'll give us all a glitter shower as I do. Just full LeBron James. Just run through it, like a five-year-old. Right. I'm just bemused by this, and I already have all my gold tattoos all over my body, and now there's more of this, and I feel like...

That's one way to do it. Four or five minutes just evaporates. Thank you. So are we walking to the gate? So yeah, you guys pull up to the road. The road ends at this massive 30-foot, super fortified tower, walled off city, and you see tons of soldiers in heavy plate.

You can hear them clinking above you as they watch the battlements and shout down as your cart gets within 40 feet. Hey! Are we still in the cart? Sorry. Yeah, you're still in the cart. That's cool. Yeah. Welcome to Byroden! Oh, wait.

Opal, this is your town, right? You're up, man. Yeah. Opal's feeling really nauseous and isn't as sparkly as she was before she left by Rodan, and really doesn't want to be here. But they've come all this way, so do I poke my head out,

or is it a get-off-the-cart situation? Your call. You could stick your head out of a window or get all the way out. Hey, it's Opal. Just, can you let us in? Opal? Opal who? What's your last goddamn name, Opal?

You know what, Opal. She's the only Opal here. She's the only Opal you know. The only Opal I know left like a year ago. Yeah. Doesn't call or write her dad. Is that my dad? No, it's not.

Oh. I thought that was him, too. I was like, whoa! It's a small town, though. Everyone's all, if you can rock around and not use your surname, they know enough to know about your family. Okay, just don't give me a hard time.

Can you just let us in? Yeah, okay. Don't, are the rest of you cool? We'll kill you if you're not. Yeah, they're cool. Is Glitter okay? I don't know how to answer that. And the doors just slowly open and you're brought into this little fortified city

of just less than 10,000 people, completely walled in, and they are in the midst of a fair day, like a full festival is happening. You can hear music playing and streamers are coming down. Honestly, the Glitter Shatter vibes and fits in. Slaps. And this short human woman,

thick on the older side, runs up and slaps the side of the Vardo. Opal! Opal, are you in there? Yeah. Well, come on, don't make me... We're not doing this right now. Come on out. Okay.

Opal comes out and I don't know, it's like you leave home for the first time, you come back, you want to have something successful to talk about, and she's just feeling weird being back home and not as sparkly or as warm as she usually is. You come out, sorry. Do we, can I see this crestfallen-ness on her? I mean, yeah, are you trying to hide it all?

Oh, I don't think she's good at hiding what she's feeling. Yeah, okay. Yeah. As she starts to step out, and I see her looking down, I just take one finger and I pull her chin up, and I say, Don't let them know.

And as you start to walk out, you see the wife of the war ringer, like, Ruby Lee Beckford, is just exactly the same as she was. Ruby Lee. Yep is just exactly the same as she was. Ruby Lee. Yep. She goes, Opal, get on out here.

Oh my gosh, and you have friends. Hello. Hi. Hi. I'm kind of the the head of the festival. I don't like to brag, but She's the head of the festival. I'm the head of the festival. You say the festival, like we know what the festival is.

Which is this one? I mean, well, I'm the head of the festival. When you say the festival, like we know what the festival is. Well, we have several. Which is this one? I mean, well, this one is very specifically for our pageant. The Gem of Byroden, we do it every year. So exciting, and we're so happy you're here. Wait, are you here to compete? No, but I guess I could be.

Kind of was my thing before I left. We have been waiting for this little gem to make her turn, and then she turned 18 and just up and left the town. But Byroden, you all seem new and quiet and tall and short, and that's totally fine with me. Byroden is known for the three M's. Militia, mining, and merriment.

And we're doing all three today. So come on in. There's festival foods. We're a pie-based culture. Any kind of pie, you can find it. And you know what? You know what? What? Mr. Johansson made that citrus custard pie

that your sister loves so much. You tell Teddy, wherever she is, whenever she comes back, we will load her for a bear. What do you mean? Full of, where'd she go? What do you mean? She left like three or four days after you left town. Has she not been in contact?

Yeah, but she didn't say that she went anywhere. Where did she go? Do you know? No, we hadn't heard anything, and we hadn't heard much from you, too, but we knew you were going to Omon, so we figured you two had linked up at some point up there in the big city. So she's not here?

I don't know how many ways to say that she's not here. Darling! Oh my god. Kind of a damper on a big day, it's a festival! Well, can Opal just run? You are so thin, when's the last time you ate? I've never had pie. And the sound that you hear, Fearne, you specifically, kind, with that fey hearing,

she makes a noise in the back of her throat that makes both you and Mr. Wimper. Come with me, little man, I've got you! Okay. And tries to sweep you out and away towards this wall of just fried batter and sugar smell. He just looks at the group as it gets let off. Opal, you show the rest of the group around. Parade's in an hour, pageant's in two hours.

If you're going to do it, sign up, hurry. You better do it fast. Okay. I'd like to go to my house first, but I guess, okay, you should get some dresses. Wait, what's a patch? It's a big thing. It's a big patch. You know, we just, it's kind of like a yearly thing.

Everybody gets together and you go family by family and you sort of present yourself to society and it's kind of fun. We had them back home as well. You have to do a talent. You have to dress your best and then they choose a winner based on all of that, and the winner gets usually some sort of prize. Hell yeah. I'm in. There's a crowd! You just hear from Ruby, lost in the crowd somewhere.

I'm just going to flicker my eyes up very quickly, just to get a sense of, do we have time for this? You flicker your eyes up and away, and it's not like a shrug, but you feel this sense of, this is the last that they'll get, this last blanket before the wilderness takes you all. You can usher them through it,

but this is the last bit of comfort before a hard road. And I look at Opal and I smile and I hold my hand out and say, Lead the way. Great. Okay. So I take the, well, I guess I can take them all to the place where I could get them something very ostentatious, very byroden

to wear for this pageant. Yeah. You know that the layout for this festival, the main sort of route, the main drag down the city is the parade route, and there's going to be the kids choir and marching band, both terrible, but they love it. There's a color guard from Whitestone that does rifle flipping as it goes back and forth.

Yeah. And then just rows and rows of people, just people in by roading that just dress their best and show off suits of armor that they've worked on and like all of the militiamen. And that's like a good 15% of your population is in the militia that guards the town. Right, right.

That they all get to like march to. So like as the sort of like, that's beginning to wind up, you know that like back and behind it on like the sort of like downtown part of town are a bunch of like stalls with people who need like last minute accoutrement, whether it's a gown or bits of decorative armor over it, you can get everyone outfitted.

Great, great. I definitely think Fy'ra gets the biggest hoop skirt we can find. You can decide what you want as we roll up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We could just elide that. You get to a big, tall, it's like a two-story tent

that's just full of fine fabrics and outlined bodices made of elaborate enameled metal and gold filigree and just the illusion of armor, but very fashion. So you guys can tell me if you're getting an outfit and if you're joining the pageant, let me know. Wow. I'll watch. Are you sure? Respect.

Time for you to shine. Okay. And maybe Opal goes to her tried and true. I mean, obviously this is very last minute, so she's not going to get what sheal goes to, like, her tried and true. I mean, obviously, this is very last minute, so she's not going to get, you know, what she's used to. But she is going to get, like, the biggest, most ostentatious kind of dress. Like, I'm thinking of, like, a quinceanera dress. But, like you said, with, like, a breastplate or something.

And just, like, she does her hair up, like, really big. Like, very big um and i think in this moment like she feels like without the pressure of ted being there she feels like okay i can i can maybe like she can put that aside and really just enjoy like maybe a little bit of her accent comes back you know like when you're in your hometown. Yep. And maybe for the first time in a few weeks, just feels like maybe her old self again.

But yeah. Y'all should definitely get something to wear. It's kind of fun. I'll certainly dress up, but I don't know if I could be in the pageant. I don't have a talent. You have so many talents. Or you can pull all the ribbons out.

Maybe you can do a ribbon dance. You can do a ribbon dance. You both can. Should we do a duel? Would you, in this strange moment, as two girls lock eyes on you with deadly intent, Dariax, we're going to cut to Orym. Orym, you have been ushered in by this woman

who is saying hi to every other person you've crossed. Hi. Hello, this is, what's your name again, sweetie? Orym. This is Orym. Can we please, can we just get him a little taste? Honey, do you have any allergies that I need to know about? Well, I eat pretty lean.

I don't. Nope, that doesn't sound like an allergy to me, sweetie. I don't know, I'll try anything. Yeah, you will. Once. And she just starts, there's these little parchment sheets that are gently folded with tiny slivers of pie as she's asking for just little samples

and no one's charging you anything. And the first one is a berry pie. She goes, okay, here's a berry pie. This one's a sweet one. It's called Berry Surprise. Larleen, every year, wins a prize for this, so you enjoy. Actually, we're going to eat in front of her so she can see your good work.

Go ahead and give that a try, sweetie. That's very good. Yeah, the surprise is rum. It is sweet. And this tall humanoid woman looks like she's about to weep, that someone she's never seen before likes her pie. She goes, okay, calm down,

and sweeps you down to the next. She's like, okay, now I want you to try this. That was my first pie ever. Oh my god! It will not be the last. And now you're getting attention from all of the other stalls, as other people are just looking at you hungrily,

shaving off bits, and you're presented with three versions of a savory fish pie. And it's shaped like a fish. It's so cute. Here, eat this. Go ahead, go ahead. That's a lot of salt. Okay, that's pretty good, though.

Did you call it salty? A little bit. Henry! He thinks it's salty, too. Oh! Oh! Just me. And I need you to make a dexterity saving throw.

Oh no! He's got that salt blow. A tiny little fork is going to come for you. 21. Yeah, you see it coming a mile away, and it's sort of dodging. I need a whole other wedge of the fish pie to make out for it.

Oh god. He just gives a little nod, kind of dusts the flour off of his hands. Ha ha ha ha ha! Could I get another berry one, though? Absolutely. Well, do you want the same berry? Do you want to try? No, let's do a new one,

because this is enough for the week. Where are you from? Well, do you want the same berry? Do you want to try it? No, let's do a new one, because this is enough for the week. Where are you from? What do you mean, done for the week, baby? This is the dayfare food. What are you wearing? I'm three feet tall. I'm feeling pretty full already. And that's so much room for pie.

Okay. Where are you from, and why are you so skinny, and why has no one fed you properly? I want to be a good guest. You were about to blow away in the wind. You lead the way. Mm-hmm. Sorry, I'm getting a little bloated,

but he's going for it. Yeah, you keep going. Roll a d8 for me. One. Ooh, okay. You're doing a good job of keeping up, and by the time you finish this alley crawl, you've only got one extra bit of pie on you,

but just sheaves of empty parchment full of other pies. Starting to get the sweats. Yeah! Stomach bubbles. Yep. She gives you an appraising look like, All right, starting off sweaty. Well, I'm just letting you know that the moment the sun sets,

that's when all of the barbecue and the smoking comes out. So you've got a couple hours to relax and then I'll be back for you. Your friends are right over there sleeping in that big old tent. Go ahead. She gives you a little slap on the ass and sends you. Does Byron have water?

I'll find it. Kind of, but there's tea in it and sugar. I want to go to the rodent in real life. I know, I love it here. It exists. Lurated tech. I'm slightly slower than normal, but still pretty quick. The little man not so little right now.

Okay, so my question is, is anyone else going to try to join the pageant? So as I'm watching the girls talk, I've got like this low cut like chiffon shirt with like a sash and it's all super flowy and I'm just kind of like holding it and looking at it while those two are getting, or, hmm? Did you decide?

I did. I decided on the dress as a satiny Jessica McClintock. Yes! Like hunter green and mauve and foofies and big hoop and all of the ruffles. And it's just way over the top and way fluffy. Oh!

You look fantastic, Fearne. And I just have to ask, Opal, is this contest for the ladies only? No, no, anyone can join. Daria, can we join? Will you join with me? Can we join together? Yeah, I'll join whatever. Yeah, yeah, I'm in. Let's do it.

Yay! And you don't mind us competing with you? No! Oh my god. In fact, if you want, I have this hidden talent. What? Every year, I don't usually do it anymore, but I do get up and I sing the national song,

the classic song of Byroden, and I would love an accompaniment. I've never had a live band, and I think you, I mean, you play beautifully, you play beautiful. And I mean, we've seen your moves. I've never played an instrument, I'm in. Well. My goodness,

we can back you up and then we're not competing. No, and then we can just all be like a family. I love this. So raise your hand if you are entering the pageant. Come on, Nance. Those of you that are competing entering the pageant. One, two, three. Come on, Nance. Those of you that are competing in the pageant under your own name, totally fine. The two of you that are not,

please open up the index cards. Oh boy. You are now playing citizens of Byroden that are also in the pageant. Oh! Everybody gets to play. What I want to know is, is it Dariax or is it Darla Star? We'll find that out in a second.

Oh wait, I got to see what this is now. Oh, this is great. I mean, you guys are playing this yourselves. Oh my god! If you hadn't, you would have been one of these random lovely. Rosie Beckford. That's actually Ruby's daughter.

Oh! So we are citizens in the pageant? Just Liam and LaFange. You are two other competitors from Byroden in the pageant. And you get to just make up whatever you want. Those are suggestions if you couldn't think of something. Is there a specific gender to this? Do we know? Nope. You can decide.

But the rest of you are competing as yourselves. Wow. I don't want to leave anybody out. Even if your character wouldn't do it. Okay, so who I don't remember. I gave them out at random. Who are you? Cynne Brightpool. Perfect.

And who are you? Lyle Vester. Yes. Lyle? Lyle? Lyle. Lyle. Nice. Okay. Love this. I mean, I'm assuming that's how I'm pronouncing it. Yeah. It's whatever you've decided.

It's what I've decided. No one will know other than what you've said. That's Lyle Vesterdammit. There you go. So yeah, you guys have plenty, those of you that are competing as yourselves have plenty of time to find an outfit. I'm not going to worry about the gold on that.

You can decide what you look like when your time comes and practice and warm up if you need to. And yeah, just before the sun sets, the pageant begins in proper and the entire city is out for this. So you are on a stage in the center of town. It's a little stage that's built right in front of this beautiful fountain and statue of town, it's a little stage that's built right in front

of this beautiful fountain and statue of two of the most notable residents from the city, Vex'ahlia and Vax'aldan. And the war ringer comes out. The war ringer comes out and gives a long speech that no one pays attention to about the importance of staying ready and being the kind of city that no longer needs to rely

on the assistance of other people and taking Vex and Vax's lead and becoming strong enough to protect themselves and people they care about. And the militia cries out and the city, like all of the citizens, the Byrodenizens, if you will. Terrible name, and I'm so sorry I said it. No, I love it.

It's good. The Byreys. All give this loud war cry, but it sounds way more raucous and joyous as Ruby comes out one more time and says, Hi, I am your Mistress of Ceremonies for the 22nd Annual Byroden Forever Pageant where we will be crowning this year's Gem of Byroden. We are a mining town, so there's a lot.

And she's kind of like looking over the side at the newcomers, like, it's a mining town, so we have a lot of, you know, rock puns. Anyway, this will be a pageant in three parts. There is an interview portion, a talent portion, and of course, evening wear. Oh my god.

So there are six of you. So I need you all now to roll a d6. Rock, fun, so get it. Oh my god, bless your heart. I'm going to get you some pie later, baby. Oh, as much as you can bring. A challenge. Roll a d6, you said?

Yeah. Did anyone get a six? Five? Five. All right, you three are up first for the interview portion. And we'll start with you, Cinna. Cinna Brightbow. What do you look like? Describe yourself as you are called.

Cinna Brightbow is a blonde dwarven woman with her hair tied back, and she has just the barest bit of sheen of sideburn just down to here, but beautiful hair with a bit of a little bump in the front, and all tied back very perfectly. The fashion part's later, though, right? Of course, of course.

So what are we wearing now? Whatever you've decided you think is the most appropriate for the interview. It's the most serious portion. Oh dear. I'm going to give you a softball, baby. Don't you worry. Right, well, then in this portion,

I'm just wearing what I normally wear, which is what I wear when I'm in my jewelry shop. And there's a lot of rhinestones and glass jewelry and one actual pricey thing, but I'm not going to say which one it is because I don't, you know, got to keep that stuff close to the vest. Smart.

And, you know, my family has lived here in Byroden for about 100 years now, so it goes back quite a bit. And, you know, I won once about 15 years ago and took some time off and I just thought it was time to, you know, give it another go. Absolutely, it's a returning gem, we love it. Sienna, my question for you is this. If you were a gem, what gem would you be and why?

Oh dear, well, green for Byroden because we sit like the gem of the swamp, don't we? We're a pioneer town, doing right, growing, making strides, joining the modern world in our own small way. We never forget where we come from, do we? No, we don't! We come from the road!

Yay! From the road, all right! Give me a persuasion check. Cinna Brightbow, give me a persuasion check, please and thank you. Oh, aye. That is not that great. Send a bright bow, give me a persuasion check. Please and thank you. Oh, aye. That is not that great.

That's a five. Okay. The crowd still applauds. They're loving it. They're eating up every moment of it. And she goes, thank you so much, sweetie. Okay, okay. Next up, let's go ahead and get,

Darlene, what'd you say your name was? Oh, it's Dariax. Dariax Zavion. Let me change real fast. And I kind of just walk behind a partition and use the cloak to disguise self. And in that moment, I'm like, I didn't even think what I'd look like. So I spontaneously think of what was probably

the sleekest casual outfit I've ever seen. And so Dariax comes around the corner wearing an exact replica of the outfit that Dorian's been wearing. Oh no! Just smaller and tailored to his lithe dwarven form. Yes! Oh my god! Amazing!

Oh my god! Hair slicked back, like full on like. It stole my look! Oh my god. The crown goes back, full on like... It's still my look! Oh my god. The crowd going wild over the look, by the way. I am in the wings fucking season. I look back at wings. You are killing it.

They're just like, oh my god, it's so beautiful. What an outfit, we would hate to see that twice. The fucker is playing a song. Okay, Mr. Zavion, I love the fit. That's lovely. Thank you. Same question to you. If you were a gem, what would you be and why?

I was unprepared for the question, hold on. would you be and why? Uh... I... I was unprepared for the question, hold on. I... I would... What was the question again? Oh, sweetie, if you were a jam, what would you be and why? There, I've got you.

I would be like a peach jam because it would be like a smoother spread. Kind of like a gentle, like a slight tartness to it, you know, but like it keeps well and it stands out against other jams because, you know, you get a lot of strawberry and grapes around there. It's a little more unique on the shelf.

And I like being unique. I like to stand out in the crowd. So yeah, Peach Jam. Woo! You see a wave of confusion just pulse out like an EMB. And then behind it, a very food-motivated civilization go like, Hell yeah, Peach Jam!

And then you are immediately back in their races. Make a persuasion check for me, please. Steve Holt that Peach Jam shit. Yep. Good. Ah, boy. I do not have an inspiration. Persuasion is plus five, so six.

It's a natural one. Buddy! Oh my god! Natural one. Wow. That is something. You know what? You won over a good amount of the crowd, but Ruby is just giving you a look like, in the hell? Yeah!

I'm going to get off the stage. I'll see you in the talent portion, baby. Why don't you just go ahead and go and think about? I think I will. And I exit the stage the wrong direction, and then like don't you just go ahead and go and think about? I think I will. And I exit the stage the wrong direction, and they're like, oh, it's this way. We'll wait. Opal!

Come on out here, baby girl. Opal comes out, and she is wearing a very tailored suit, but it's a skirt suit. And it's got like a giant, like, like kind of not a pussy bow, but like something that looks like a pin, but it's like floofy and like a flower. I'm sort of picturing like Steel Magnolia's, like her, like Julia Roberts going away look like after her wedding.

Hundo piece. That's what she's wearing. It's pink, of course. And she is wearing, you know, like her, you know, I think this is an outfit she owns. She went home and got it. And she's wearing maybe like a little opal, like, you know, bracelet or something.

Big hair. Well, this is going to feel... The higher the hair, the closer to God. We love it. Okay. Sweetie. Now, I know this is going to feel like a big old gimme, given that your name is Opal, but I have to ask, if you had to be a gemstone,

what would you be and why? Well, I think I would be a ruby. Because they're rare, they're beautiful, and they're the color of the heart. And she starts clapping before the crowd does. Make a persuasion check with advantage. Hear a voice in the back go, Gem! Fuck!

That is a 14. Ooh, beautiful. All right. Next up, Dorian. Dorian, sweetie, come on out here. I have a Dorian Storm. Dorian Storm. Why does she sound so mean?

And I'm very flustered because I look better than I have ever looked. I'm in my normal outfit, but everything's polished, pressed and whatever, but I know I can't go out there. So I'm going to go backstage. I'm going to find Dariax. Dariax, how could you do this to me? I didn't mean to, it just came out.

Oh my god. Hey, give me the cloak. Wait, you want to wear more? Yes, give me the cloak. Here, take it, take it. So he takes it off and he would return to his normal form, right? And I've never used it before.

And in my mind, I've got 50 different outfits running through my head, but I put it on, but all I can see is him. And as I do, Oh no! Foom! I put on all of his clothes, but they are not tailored to fit.

They're all still dwarf size. So I've got short, short chain mail and like they're all Dariax's size. And I don't know what to do. Are you still screaming for me? Storm, last call for Dorian Storm. You look amazing. I'm so flattered, go!

And I push him out. Fuck! And I push out. Oh! And I waddle my way to the front of the stage and wave. Oh! Hello! Dorian Storm! Storm, Storm, Storm. Use the Amaterji to make some clapping in the front row. Like one clap.

And one person's like, Woo! What kind of crap? Kind of just stops. I'm a follower. Okay, baby. I was going to give you a different question, but you look like you're having a rougher day than most.

Baby, if you were a gemstone, what would you be and why? I would be a diamond, because they're hard as a diamond, because they're hard as a rock, like I am. No, no! I would be an opal, like my friend who's from here, who's really cool, and she's cool. I would be an opal.

Okay. And you get a begrudging clap as you brought it back at the end. Go ahead and give me a persuasion check with disadvantage. Orym seats him from 150 feet away in his shrinking clothes and is like, ugh, he looks like how I feel. With disadvantage, oh, it's a...

He's really pulling off those jorts, though. Yida's standing next to him and I say, this is entertaining, he's like, That would be a 10, as I waddle myself offstage. Okay. Lyle Vester. Opal's gone backstage at this point. Is she backstage with the rest of us?

So I come up and swoosh past her, and I am wearing an iridescent, high-necked, fitted, low V-neck suit, with straight-up Ziggy Stardust everything. Hair is up, hair is all different colors. And I look over and I go, Oh, you're back. Hi. It's so good to see you.

You're still alive. And I just got to go back onstage. Oh my god, you are a vision. And I know I shouldn't be saying that because I am one of the judges, but you look... I could eat you up, is all I'm saying. Just like all that pie. Aren't you all amazing

with all of that pie today? Yay! Cheers for you! Go Byroden! Okay. My question for you, Lyle. What does Byroden mean to you?

Oh. Byroden. She looks backstage at you like. Byroden. The only word that I can think of when I think of Byrodian. At this moment, Dariax has come up to the very edge of where the stage point is

and is going to use Thaumaturgy to make a squeaker of a fart emit right under her chair, right at the end of the sentence. Amazing. Oh my god! Is it? Amazing. Oh my god! Is... Sweetie, don't you mind. We're dairy folk, we get it. Safety, go ahead, keep on going. Is, and a single tear starts to come out one side.

Oh my god. Is home. I never want to come out one side. Oh my god. It's home! I never want to leave any of you. It's the most beautiful place in the world. Oh, sweetie. It is, keep going, you're doing great. It's the most beautiful place in the world. And no matter who or what might want to leave this place

to find something better, I know there is nowhere better in the world than our home. Oh my god. I would have given you an advantage on that response, but the farts are knocking it back down. Just give me a straight persuasion roll. Oh god.

As Ruby just gives you the most pity. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Opal goes up to Dariax and just gives him a big fucking kiss. Hey! Right on the lips!

Yes! Get it! Immediately flushed and a little stunned. Is it persuasion? Uh-huh. It's a 21. Oh, for fuck's sake. She would be. Yep. She would be the person. And despite the fart and everyone onstage

just being like, trying not to get any of that in my mouth, you win over the crowd and they are losing their minds over it. Last up, Fearne. Page is going to be pageant waving. Sweetie, you can go ahead and get off the stage and take care of what you ever need to take care of before the talent portion.

Fearne Calloway. Last contestant, Fearne Calloway. Hello. Oh my god. Okay, well. Oh, cute, you are lovely. Thank you. Um, I'm not going to ask you the by Roden thing, because I think you're new, but, uh, how about the, you know what?

No. Um, what's your favorite flower and why? Um, probably. Oh, Leander. And why? Probably... Oleander. Because it has multiple purposes. They're beautiful, they smell great, and you can also kill someone if you need to. Oh, what?

Oh. Well, I haven't been married more than once, so honestly, vibes. All right! And a little like, okay, okay, okay. Give me a persuasion check. Okay. Oh, natural one.

Oh! Natural! Two to one! Yeah! I peed a little, because I got nervous at all the people looking at me. And Ruby just ever so subtly, she's like, yes, okay, you're doing great. Pulls a little hanky, kind of throws it under your hooves. She's like, I got you, baby girl.

You know what? It was a good answer, and you did your best. Go ahead. Go ahead, go ahead and get ready for the talent portion. And thank you for answering. Of course. Okay. And ladies, if answering. Of course. Okay. And ladies, if I see any oleander in your garden, well, we know.

We know now. So don't. Don't fuck around and find out. All right. We'll be back in five minutes for the talent portion. Thanks for hanging out. And don't forget to try the smoked meats over at Stall 8B. Okay.

All right. We're now up to the talent portion, y'all. Yes, let's go! Can I, okay, what is her name again, sorry? Lyle. Lyle, okay. Lyle Vestor. Lyle Vestor, okay. Give me my cloak back?

Yes, please. Real sorry about that. Real sorry. It's fine. Thanks. Okay, let me get a d6 roll from the squad and we'll see who goes first. Do we get an outfit change? Yeah, great. Oh, let me get a d6 roll from the squad and we'll see who goes first. Woo, do we get an outfit change? Yeah, great. Six.

Okay. Now are we all doing back up to her or are we all doing independent? I don't know. What do we do? What's the plan? Are we all going independently? Will we get disqualified if we back up Opal?

Do we care? No, I think we should back you up. Maybe we'll just get cumulative points. Yes. Or they'll grace individually, based on how well we do. Yeah, yeah, maybe everyone gets a solo. Yeah. Wait, wait. Who's the bitch?

Lyle. Lyle, yes, she's the bitch. Total bitch. Yes, I know. She was very rude to you. Not to be trusted. I agree. And she does have a flatulence problem for real. She once pooped herself at school. Whew! As someone who knows that experience very well,

it's hard to get rid of, but. You're a stinky person. What are you going to do? What are you going to do? Okay, so. How does this song go? We don't even know it. You just follow me. I'm going to... I play a secret instrument. Okay, okay. So just follow me. I'm going to... I play a secret instrument.

Okay, okay. So just follow me. All right. Okay. A lyre? Okay. Pan flute? Pan flute. Whatever you got. Percussion. Yeah. So yeah, let's do it. Take your spear and

and rhythm? Or tambourine. Sure. Or. If you got a tambourine, you can do both. I don't have a tambourine. We have ribbons. Why don't you ribbon dance? Oh, ribbon dancing is nice. Or, um. All right, ribbon dance.

How about you just stomp your foot? Yeah, yeah, yeah. While ribbon dancing. Okay, but keep it small. Yeah, don't take the, don't take the, the, the, the. Don't upstage us. Yes, don't, we're putting her in the light. Of course, yeah, no, I got you. Don't worry.

As I transform my outfit, which is like a, like if a lionfish met Liberace. It is just like this Vegas explosion of rhinestones. Still Dariax, but just ultimate rhinestone form. Yes. All right, gang. Amazing. Teamwork makes the dream work. Are you ready, Opal? Opal, give me a perception check.

Don't know words anymore. Some ribbons from you? Oh, that's a natural 20. Ooh, yeah. As you're getting ready, you notice that the stage manager running everything in the back is Jessup Richter, who is one of your schoolmates' dad, knows you super well, and you see him running around with a clipboard and he looks over like, okay. Sip Richter, who is one of your schoolmates' dad,

knows you super well, and you see him running around with a clipboard, and he looks over like, Okay, so the one in Fern is up first, and then the other. Hi! Oh my god, so nice to see you. It's been such a long time. How are you? I'm good, how are you? Good, you know, just keeping on keeping on.

Being better? Yeah. Yeah, so my friends and I are actually going to go together, if that's okay. Hey, what do you mean? We're going to go and perform together. Yes, I don't want to. It's like a group thing. Um, but they're in the pageant, yes? Yeah, they're in the pageant,

but maybe each of them will get a solo. And then you can do it. So are you competing on your own or are you all just helping her? We're helping her. We're helping her. Yeah, helping her. You can also, you can, I mean, you guys can go ahead and do whatever.

Backing her up. Question. If we forfeit our turns and help her, do we still get to do the evening wear portion? I'm not going to take that away from anyone. Of course you can. You're just going to be at a point disadvantage. Oh. A little bit.

Well, you guys do whatever you want. I don't, I want to back you up. Thanks. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay, give me your numbers. Okay. Okay. Here you go. Then, you know what? We'll save you for last. Oh, give me your numbers. Okay, okay. Here you go. Then, you know what?

We'll save you for last. Oh, okay. And tell Ted I said hi the next time you see her. Okay, cool, cool, cool, cool. And he heads off and away and goes and runs up to Ruby and whispers in Ruby's ear, and Ruby just immediately breaks out into a nervous sweat. You see her grab a couple rags, jam them under her arms.

Okay, I'm fine. I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I'm a pro. Hello and welcome back to The Pageant by Rodan Forever. The talent portion is going to be just a little different than you expect. We've got some out-of-towners. They don't know how we do things, but honestly, our town's going to be the better for it. And you fine folks are going to enjoy it so dang much. I promise you.

So why don't we start with some hometown heroes? Lyle Vester, why don't you come out here and give me your talent, baby girl? Oh! So I actually come. Lyle sweeps around the front of the stage with a small horse. She's wearing full,

again, fully iridescent, but now it's a riding outfit with riding boots. Yeah! And you need a boot sighting every night. Yeah. Thank, baby. Riding boots, but super high platform riding boots. Again, the high hair, a little riding crop,

a little riding cap. She comes over with this beautiful white horse, just perches on it, guides the horse to leap up on the stage, and calls over to a friend down in the audience and says, start playing. Oh my god. Who begins to accompany her on the lute

as she guides the horse into a clippity-clop dance. Dressage, and it's... It's a little lip is on her dressage. It's absolutely, absolutely. Dariax. Yes! Is it a male or female horse? Male.

Dariax, right off the edge,, don't you? Yes! Is it a male or female horse? Male. Dariax, we're off the edge, is going to cast Mage Hand and wait for the right moment to just go ahead and give a squeeze to its testes. Oh my! It's a nice little hard coot. We'll beep. We'll beep. Okay, go ahead and give me an animal handling check

with disadvantage. I love it. Okay. Okay, I will hold my head up high. As soon as I find my page. Oh, that's an eight. This starts off amazingly. This horse is doing a sideways clip-clop

and going in a weird figure eight and turning, and everyone is awed until a little and is going to buck, and you're going to go flying off of the horse. I need you to make a dexterity saving throw to try to land this. I mean, I shouldn't use these stats. No, you're fine. Use the stats.

Okay, okay. Who cares? Monk stuff, let's go. A 20. With a 20, go ahead and describe your graceful landing off of the bucking poor little pony. So as the pony bucks, I unexpectedly, thank god I'm wearing pants, I unexpectedly fly off the back, do a graceful backwards somersault, sort of like walk over,

and land on the floor in full graceful hero stance, and then take a. The crowd goes absolutely wild. Make a performance check with advantage. The timing. The timing. absolutely wild. Make a performance check with advantage. The timing. The timing. The timing. At this point, I just feel like Opal would marry Dariax. That's a 15. Yeah, okay.

Sweet. Next up is Cinna. Cinna Brightbow. Cinna strides out onto the stage and she is wearing full green leathers and a green leather mask. Nice! And a green cape, and she just works the crowd and says,

Now, some of you may remember some years back, my ice sculptures are the heroes of Emon. I was the winner that year. Let's put a new spin on an old art, shall we? And she wheels out this huge, like five foot tall block of ice and wheels it to the back of the stage. Now, my handsome new assistant.

That's you. She drags a halfling out onto the stage, who's got a sword and a shield, and she puts him up against the ice block. And Orym looks around and finds Opal and is like, hey, I wanted to fit in. I'm almost done with the meat sweats. What are we doing? Hold on, did you ask Orym

to make a constitution save as the itis begins to kick in? The itis. Yeah. Con save? A food coma. Nine. Okay. You're swooning, but you've got this, baby. Why are you tying me? What's going on? And she ties him up to a post in front of the ice. He's like, I thought, aren't we dancing? We're not dancing.

No, I can't dance or sing for a fucking shite. Don't move. No, she can't. She walks all the way to the other side of the stage and pulls out another little table and there's just a series of hand axes on it. Oh my god! And Fy'ra is immediately in like, well, I'm sorry, what is happening to me?

Yeah, I watched it. Uh-oh. Will the halfling live or will the halfling die? I cast Bless on him. No! Oh my god. What did you cast? I cast Bless on her. No! No! Oh my god! What did you cast? I cast Bless on him, like, oh god!

Amazing. Yep. What do I roll? Golly, this has got to be. While that's happening, Fy'ra is shoving her way to the front to make sure that this is, give me a- It's not an attack. Yeah.

Cinna just wants to land it two inches to the left, right, or above Orym's head. Shoot. You know what? I'm going to call this, you know, it's got to be just an attack roll anyway. Let's call it an attack roll with a called shot. Right, what I want, my target for my attack is two inches above his head. Yep.

She gets a, I have no idea. What would you say her attack bonus is? Oh no, you can use your stats. I'm totally fine. My stats, okay. Yeah, totally fine with that. Okay, okay. We don't have time to, I could have given you another stat block. I'll use my attack stats and my armor class.

Yep. So that is a 19, which beats Orym's 18 armor class. Okay. Right above his head. Oh god. And he sinks about one quarter inch down in against the ice. Wow, she's good.

Let's see if we can go for best two out of three! Oh! Yeah! Woo! Oh my god. Fy'ra is losing her shit, like just trying to push through people to get to the front to stop whatever is happening.

Yep, I'm going to say after this one, you can get up to the front if you want to intervene. Because she was way in the back. I rolled a 17 plus six. It goes right between his legs, just one inch below the crotch. There is definitely a high pitch, like the woogarolls are like,

on that one. It's a wiener joke. Right, Cinna, let's put this one in the bag. Foo, foo, foo, foo. Natural 20! Yeah! Come on! And he goes, glunk,

not more than a centimeter from his neck, and he can just feel a little bit of the non-sharp edge press just gently against his neck, and he can just feel a little bit of the non-sharp edge pressed just gently against his neck. In that moment, Orym, you see that Fy'ra has gotten up to the front of the crowd and is looking at you. Do you want to do anything? Are you into this?

How are you doing, buddy? She's just soaking up all of this adoration from all of her fans, including this beauty right here. She's just enjoying the moment. She knows she's won it already. Okay, give me a performance check with advantage. I love her. Oh my god. I love her so.

Performance check. Yep. That is a 17. Beautiful. Okay. And yeah, riotous applause. Everyone is losing their minds. Dressed like a dwarven emerald evil Knievel. Yeah! Oh my god.

Hell yeah, this is dope! Is he bleeding? So many people are just yelling up and cheering loudly. She stage dives off of the stage. Caught immediately! Wild surfs away. Heck yeah! And as she does that, I climb up on the stage

and I grab Orym and I drag him offstage. Okay, sweetie, what are you doing? It's all under control. It's just an act. He's fine. You're fine, right? Aren't you, baby? Hold on, let me check. Yep. Yep, see?

Okay. He's all good. Look, you're thin as a rat. Like, can I get you something? I'm just going to keep walking. Okay, bye. Put a bow on her. Backstage, we all look to her. I think we're fucked.

That was really cool. Okay. That was amazing. Let's rework this. Okay. I'm going to come out. I'm going to do a thing. And then once it picks up, Let's rework this. Okay. I'm going to come out. I'm going to do a thing.

And then once it picks up tempo, you guys come out and do it. And if you feel like we're losing them, you turn into Thar La Star and whip out those ribbons. I got you. Hold the ribbons till then. Yeah. You got it. You got it. That's the atomic option. That You got it. That's the

atomic option. That's not it. What's the word? Nuclear option. You don't have nuclear power here. It's fine. That's the spark option. Opal, as a performer, I have to tell you, in order to beat that, this is going to have to be something special. I know. So here, take this.

And he plays a chord on his lyre. It's this little harmonic lyre, and he casts Bardic Inspiration. Aw, thank you! Okay. So you get a plus d6 when it's your turn to roll your ability check. Yes! And last, but not least, the prodigal daughter herself.

You all know her, you all love her. Some of you were bullied by her in school. She is Opal! Bring her out! That was an introduction! Okay, so. Oh my god. Opal's outfit. Well, first of all, I think she maybe talked

to the stage manager in the back really quickly before this all happened and asked for just all black, but a single spotlight, if that's possible in this world. That's possible. There's a lighting spotlight. If that's possible in this world. That's possible. There's lighting effects. Focus real hard. A special, magical spotlight.

Lights. It's just very, you know, whatever. She comes out and she's wearing a military-style high neck, think like a Napoleon-esque sort of jacket. And it's in the colors of Byroden, but it's all sequined.

It's all glitter. And she's got the military style pants and the boots. And it looks like a Dolly Parton costume if she was going to perform for the troops or something. Yes. So she comes out and she has, Opal has a serious look on her face and she addresses the crowd in a very genuine way.

And she says, I know I've been gone. Her accent comes back a little. And I just have to say, I've missed you all. And I was going to come out here and do a big thing. But I think maybe something more from the heart is what this requires. So she takes her jacket off and she just has like a simple top. She like places it and then she pulls out a dulcimer, which is like this old kind of guitar-, kind of like Appalachian instrument.

And she starts playing like a very kind of heartfelt song, sort of like, if you have something in mind, like Jolene. And she starts playing, and she's actually like a pretty good singer. Not like an amazing singer, but she's better than you'd think she would be, like given her kind of personality. And so she starts singing this song, and maybe it's about, like, having to go away from home

to appreciate it again and having your heart always stay at home. I don't know. This is a made-up song. It's good. And I think she's, like, making eye contact with maybe people in the front row. Maybe she sees some of the people she bullied and is being very genuine with them in her performance. And then she picks up the pace of the song.

Well, give me a front half performance check to see if that sultry quiet moment hits. And I get a d6? Just one, though? So you have to decide when you use this inspiration. It's a one-time use. Do you want to use it now or at the end when I ask you for your big total? I'm giving you a hint.

Don't waste it. Okay, all right. Okay, I'm not going to waste it. That is a two. Should've used it. This quiet moment, your heart felt and you're singing your heart out, but the energy of the crowd was so gassed up after Cinna that they're having a hard time coming down

and getting into it. And you see that they're not quite there with you yet. Right, okay, so now she's going to bring it home. She thought this was going to be the thing, but it's not the thing. So she starts picking up the pace and we go from Jol to like a nine to five. You know?

Yeah! And it's a real kind of like bopper. And yeah, and then you guys come out. Dorian knows this moment for sure. And he hears that's their cue without knowing. And he looks at Fearne and he looks at Dariax and he's like, let's go. And he leads that's their cue without knowing. And he looks at Fearne and he looks at Dariax and he's like, let's go. And he leads the group out

and I start playing along with the dulcimer on the lyre, right in tune, right in rhythm. And we come out looking cool as fuck. Performance check as you come out. Ooh, that would be a 17. Beautiful. All right, what does Fearne look like when she comes out? Same dress. Same Jessica McClintock.

She's just not changing. Respect, respect. Okay. And you're playing the pan flute? Playing the pan flute. Kacked. It's this dice, man. But I love it. There we go. Okay. 22.

Yes, we're cool. And you come out and everyone's getting a little more gassed up, uh, uh, 22. Yes, we're cool. Ooh! And you come out and everyone's getting a little more gassed up, like, oh, it's the girl that peed a little bit, okay, I'm going to pee a little bit. Getting into it. Dariax, how do you enter? Dariax is like watching this, and I'm like, okay, well, what do I got, what do I got?

He has a spear in one hand, he's in his full, you know, spine Liberace coat-like outfit, and he comes out to the beat, hitting the ground with his spear and going like a jump, turn, hit, hit. But as he's doing it, he's casting Thaumaturgy that can cause harmless tremors in the ground. But he's doing the tremors as pulses to the beat under the ground in the front row,

so everyone begins to feel it. Check with advantage, sir! All righty. It's a jam. All right. That is going to be an 18. Oh my god, the crowd is absolutely vibing. And after about a minute of this,

everyone is on the beat. Those pulses, you can see them ripple through and the entire crowd is with you. So go ahead and make a performance check with advantage. Add your inspiration at the end. The streamer comes free on the spear, is spinning behind her to frame her as she's finishing. Yes!

That's a 20, dirty. And with a dirty 20, this, every performance has been bigger and better than the last, and this absolutely brings the crowd down. And for about five seconds after you finish those last couple notes, everyone's still clapping and stomping

and screaming and singing along, and they don't even realize that the song's over. And then you hear a bunch of that embarrassed laughter of continuing to sing the chorus, even though the song's over. And then it breaks out into this riot of applause as everyone absolutely loves it, eats it up. Lyle, staring daggers.

Cinna, still crowd surfing. They did not put her down. Bye! She's just there for a good time, man. People are just tossing little flats of pie onto you as you go, just, you look hungry! Keep going! She leans down and just takes a swig

of somebody's pint from the gift box. Oh yeah, they're holding it up like, I've got whiskey, bring her this way. I'm going to bring her along the rest of this adventure. I know, she's a boy. Seriously. Amazing. And once the crowd begins to simmer down, Ruby comes back out and she's full sweating,

like she was getting it in the back. Like, oh boy, I'm sweating like a, don't worry about it. That was great, baby. 10 minute break and then we're coming back with Evening Wear and shutting this whole thing down. Woo! Woo! And the house band comes out and starts playing your song again.

And they're just playing the quieter version of it while the crowd is just now drunk and vibing, and enjoying it. Thank you, guys! That was great! That was incredible. You're so talented! You're so talented, my goodness. Oh, you know, I'm just, I can wear a dress.

I'm very impressed. Thanks. Wow, this is really fun. That was really cool. Thanks for all your help, and hi, Lyle. Oh, Opal. Who knew you'd have to return to cheat? I mean, I think so,

I spoke so highly of you to so many people, and I'm just so disappointed, you know? You had to bring assistance this time to win. It's such a shame. Sorry. It's such a shame to see how the world has changed you. But then again, Ted did say that that would happen before she left.

Oh no. I just, I feel so sorry for you. Oh. I feel so sad. Maybe it's your bubble guts talking, but you kind of stink. Hmm. Maybe you should just run along. It's your bubble guts talking, but you stink. Hmm, maybe you should just run along. I'll see you in a minute.

You only got to perform solo if you ain't got friends. This one. She walks off. As she walks off, you hear this really raunchy full-on shart noise. That wasn't me! And you see just like, everyone that's near you just takes a big leap back.

Of course it wasn't. I mean, if it's thaumaturgy, does it actually smell? No, but they're not going to take a chance. Here's the thing. That sounded like a full-on dookie, and you know that hits a couple seconds after it lands. but they're not going to take a chance. Here's the thing. That sounded like a full-on dookie, and you know that hits a couple seconds after it lands. So we're just trying to take some preventative measures here.

And they all got to clear away. Give you guys space. All right, one more round of d6s. Yeah! And you all get to have your beautiful moment. Anybody get a six? Mm-mm. A five?

Five. I'll give this one to Dariax. Okay. So a couple minutes pass, and you guys are able to put together the best outfit you can, and Ruby is back out there in the front like, Okay, before we get into the moment

y'all are waiting for, let's invite last year's winner, is back out there in the front like, Okay, before we get into the moment y'all are waiting for, let's invite last year's winner, Gem of Byroden, out. Everyone give a big old welcome to all of Anterfields. And this guy comes out and he's got a side shave and jet black, long, super shiny hair off to one side. And he's wearing this beautiful velvet suit

that's angular with a big cape and burnished black armor, sort of a bodice and big skull outline pauldrons. And he does a little strut of what he won in and everyone's holding up little tapers and candles and holding it up and waving it around and clapping. And he just does his little strut and goes, Thank you very much. And then just heads off the stage.

And Ruby goes, His hips don't lie. I thought there was a guy who found meaning through madness. Was there? Yeah, oh yeah. I dated him once. Oh. Super date.

He gives you a little look, a little wink. Opal blushes. It's good to see you back. All right, let's start off our final and most exciting round with, what is your name again, sweetie? It's dark as hell in here. Dariax, oh, the Jam Boy.

As that happens, Darius goes into a straight panic. He's like, all right, so I kind of blew my whole thing outfit-wise in the last one, thinking that was the actual fashion thing. What do I do? What do I do? I'm a complete blank. Dorian, what's... How about a unitard?

No, no, not a unitard. What about... All metal, like full on, full on. Yeah, yeah, um. How about a unitard? No, no, no, not a unitard. What about, ooh, ooh, ooh, all metal, like full-on, full-on, like a warrior? Oh. I, Tin Man. Tin Man! Be the Tin Man. Swirls the cloak. And as it comes back,

he just looks like a man made of tin. Like, slightly, maybe rusted, you know, just like, he looks like one of the people on the side of the road in Hollywood, who just has the silver paint on, who holds himself there. You look great. Got it. All right. Okay, just remember,

remember, poise and confidence. Right. You got great. Got it. All right. Okay, just remember, remember, poise and confidence. Right. You got this. He walks out with a chin up, shoulders forward, like he's about to blow them away. Oh boy. And everyone does this sort of pre-clap as you finally push through that little side curtain.

And then crickets. Tin Man. Woo! Woo! Oh, sweet. Okay. All right, hit your mark. Hope it doesn't rain. Hit your mark. What's that?

It's a heckler startup. Mark? I don't know what the mark is. There's a little, don't worry about it, baby. You finish your lap and you head on back. All right. Mm-hmm. Aw. Full nightmare. I feel like Opal feels so bad for him. She's going to run out in her military outfit

and just try to make him look cooler and put her arm around his arm and just parade him around the stage. Ooh, yeah, okay. Now, this one is just a d20 roll, but I'll have you roll it with advantage. You get a little boost from Opal. Oh, thank you.

That brings me to a 12. And there was very little applause, and then Opal comes out and she gets some carryover applause. And as she lets you have your final moment, they're like, we've been clapping. We'll keep doing it. That's fine. Woo!

It's Tin Man. And I walk offstage, and like, thank you. You did great. I stunned them in silence. So I'm sorry if I really made a challenge for the rest of y'all, but I believe in you. I believe in you. Okay, we'll manage.

Dorian Storm! Dorian Storm. You can do it. Oh, he was in the, mm. Okay, we'll see what this is going to be. So I take off my cloak to reveal the outfit that I was eyeing at in the tent. And it is all one color,

completely like a sheer shimmering chiffon like beige, where you can see my blue skin through it. And it's way deep cut. It's got a big flowing sash. The pants are almost like a bell bottom. And you can see, the first time ever, Dorian's svelte, muscular, full form. And his shoes,

I can't believe I'm revealing this right now. His shoes he's brought with him that he's never revealed are his ancestral winged boots. So they look, they're a magic item and they look like normal winged boots, but the wing flares on the side are the same as his chest piece and pauldrons. And that's the only, the splash of silver in his shoes

matches the rest of his outfit. And he steals himself and he walks out onto stage and he's doing this runway walk. And as he does, he doesn't change his stride. The boots start to carry him at an arc above the thing. And he's walking in the air forever. Whoa! Oh.

Roll a d20 with advantage plus six. Yes! Mm. With advantage. Asner's just like, oh god. Oh. Oh shit. When he wears clothes that fit. Dirty 20.

Okay, yeah! The crowd loses their actual minds over this. And they're just like, oh my god, when you wear clothes that fit, you're very hot. Very hot! This is old. Float over here! They're drunk. You're very hot. This is all doing good. Float over here! They're drunk.

Float this way! You don't have to be limited to the stage. Stop! I didn't get pregnant! Hey! I'm a liar, baby. He floats Blue Jesus-like over the crowd. Oh my god.

Gives them all the charm and machismo that he has to offer. Absolutely. Lyle is in the corner, just fanning herself, just saying, forget them, I've got my eyes on him. Amazing. And he'll come back to the crew backstage and he's clearly blushed and flushed and he just is.

Wow. Thank you for that. Thank you for that, Opal. I've always wanted to do that, something like that. Also, you're hot. What a great wow. Thank you for that, Opal. I've always wanted to do that, something like that. Also, you're hot. What a great outfit. Thank you. It's so sheer. I know. Hot. Yeah.

Hot. He gets embarrassed and scantles away. Oh, buddy. And puts his cloak back on. Yeah. Puppers. So cute. Lyle Vester, you're up, sweetie. Show us what you got.

Try not to shit the bed! She's still trying to shake herself out of the reverie after watching Dorian. Yeah. And she shakes herself off, and she is wearing what looks like just an iridescent, sheer, very wide ball gown with a very fitted, again, iridescent corset and everything.

Her hair is now, instead of up, it's lusciously long and down to her hips and curled and free. And as she swishes out, she swishes the gown part of things, and you see as tiny fireflies start to light up between the layers of the skirt, and she begins to spin and pirouette and dance across the stage. Katniss Leverdeen!

This girl's on firefly! This girl is on fire! Go ahead and roll a d20 with advantage plus two. Dariax is on the side, ready to cast a spell again, but he's literally just like, aw. Aw! Aw. With advantage plus two?

Yep. 15. Okay, yeah. The crowd is eating up everything you're serving. And as the fireflies slip past the bodice and scatter out and away over the crowd, and everyone's, little kids especially, are reaching up and trying to grab them,

and they dissipate away. Even Ruby is just like, that was a beautiful display of the natural fauna of the Mournset countryside. You are a gift. Thank you so much. Thank you. Next up, Opal.

Opal, sweetie, come on. Come on out here. What you got? Okay, so Opal's dress. Think tool in tears. So like the first, the top is like like like like big poof sleeves but it's tool um and it also just comes down here a bunch of tool and the only thing that gives it any shape at all is this like military style sweetheart like breastplate but it comes down to the bow or to the waist

and it has like a big sparkly bow on it and then the skirt is like tiered tulle and it's all pink and she's got like this sort of 60s kind of like sleek bun in the front but like a big bump in the back and it's a bun and

she comes out and she's sort of like holding her opal necklace a little bit sort of nervous to come out, but when she's out, she just kind of does a little turn, just stands there. Eating it up. You are a vision of armor

and everything that this town cares about for this very specific, very weird festival that only makes sense here. Please roll a d20 plus six. Plus six. That's it? Yep. That's a 13.

Okay, okay. Man, Opal's, it's fine, I've already won once or twice. Did you use your bardic inspiration last time? I did. I think for, yeah. Yeah. First place my mind went to was the band, We won once or twice. Did you use your bardic inspiration last time? I did. I think for, yeah. Yeah. First place my mind went to was the band tool. The band, oh. Me too!

I'm actually looking at someone address somebody ward of the CMAs. I will say there is an opportunity here for both Orym and Fy'ra. If you want to intervene at any point to try to get her advantage on that roll, you can. Oh, that's nice. Advantage on making her look gorgeous?

Oh my god, what a vision! You hear from the back of the crowd. I just reach my hands up and cast a glow. Ooh. A glow of gentle flame that lights her in this beautiful, like it almost looks like a candlelight is following her around, a very gentle flicker.

So she's glowing like golden as she walks and it shimmers off the front of her breastplate. And she just sparkles even more than she normally does. And Fy'ra's just doing it from her hips. She's holding it quiet and close. Beautiful. Okay, roll again. You have advantage. Oh, thank you. It's just flavor at this point now, too,

but little tiny white bluebells just grow out of her hair. Aw. Yes, a little bit. Just a little bit. That's a little bit. little tiny white bluebells just grow out of her hair. Aww. She has a little bit, just a little bit of it. That's a little bit. She's all the elements now. That's so cute. That's a 16.

All right. Did you add better? D6? Was that with the D6? Oh, what was that? I thought it was a... Oh no. What did I just say? So D20 plus six. So 20. Did I say 14? You said 16.

16 plus six. So 22? Right, 22 14? You said 16. 16. So 22? Plus six, right, 22. Hell yeah. Much better! There we go. Oh yeah, that's a difference maker. Thanks, boys. It's a difference maker. I get by with a little help from my friends. Okay.

Cinna Bratbo. Cinna! I can't wait to see this. Oh my god, I'm so excited. I'm so excited to be in this. She got up the sleeve, the ringer. A flash of green swinging in on a rope all the way across the stage. That's amazing.

And then you see her let go of one and grab another one, and she swings back. She does this four times. One, two, three, and on the fourth, she comes and she lets go, and you watch her do a spin in the air, and then land, and you see this do a spin in the air and then land and you see this dwarven woman

wearing a Betsy Johnson getup. Yeah! She's wearing a glittery green bustier and ballerina-like tutu with yellow tights that go down to the equivalent of fantasy combat boots and she has sleeves. There's nothing here. This is just her bodice, but there is just green, black,

green, black stripes, the sleeves, and there's green strands of hair mixed in with the beautiful blonde hair she has, and the sideburns are quaffed back. And she lands, and she says, I don't even fucking care if I win. I just love this town so much. Ah!

You people, best bastards in Tal'Dorei! I would rather be with a lot of you than the finest people in the world! Woo! She spots Dariax in the crowd and says, Hoi, Tintin, I'll see you later on. She gives him a big wink. Yeah!

Like the militia is freakingout, like, yeah! Let's go. Are we meeting up with her later? Buddy. It might just be you. D20, with advantage, plus five. This is performance, or just- No, it's a straight D20 roll.

Straight roll, plus five, 21. Ooh! Okay, 21. Ooh! Ooh! Okay, okay. And as you exit, it's all catcalls and just super rowdy and Ruby's like, okay, okay. She cartwheels. Yeah, of course. Okay, you're in a dress.

It's fine. I've got tights. Tights. St've got tights. Stoops. Anyway. All right, last but not least, Fearne Calloway. Oh, please, please don't. I believe in you.

You can do it, Fearne. Shoot, I didn't buy another dress. I'm going to start ripping at it. Jamie Lee Curtis, True Lifestyle. Yes! And then it turns into this really sexy, showing off her curvy, pinup body. The plant hair water. Oh, yeah.

Just, yes. Yeah, yeah. Look it back. Is this okay? Oh, god. You look so slick and sexy. Thanks. Okay.

Mister's going to run up to one of the edges, and he grabs the bottom and rips it so you have a big slit. Yeah! There we go. Okay. So I'm going to walk out there and get to the end of the stage

and make a pose. And then I'm going to cast Primal Savagery and I'm going to go, Ha! And just fangs, claws, just goat eyes, just scary. And then just, and then curtsy and then leave.

I was like, clapping. That was terrifying. And then there's this and then leave. Yeah, right! I was like, clapping! Woo! That was terrifying! And then there's this moment of like, ha! Ay! Fynda's got you super ready. Go ahead and roll a d20 with advantage. Let's add six.

This guy has been very kind. Okay. Okay. Plus five, you said? Plus six. Oh, plus six. That would be 22. Ooh!

Nice! All right. And after everything dies down, Ruby goes, Okay, can we get all of the competitors out here, please, for our crowning of this year's Gem of Bat-Rodan? Yeah! Are you still in the Tin Man outfit? Yeah! Oh my god in the Tin Man outfit? Yeah!

Oh god, it's so good. No, why is he squeaky now? Doesn't make a damn bit of sense. Okay, so our first runner up is the illustrious Santa Braco! She is feeling no pain. She's just jumping around. Her cheeks are flushed and red.

She runs over to the Tin Man and just grabs his face and gives him a big kiss on the stage. Oh, you get two kisses! Hey! Okay. Man of the hour. Looks like I won the contest, huh? And now this, our... The gem of our hearts,

just in case our Gem of Byroden cannot fulfill their duties, is Lyle Vester. Lyle. With very pursed lips. Tight ass. And that, of course, means that Opal is once again our jam of the road!

Yay! Yay! Wow! Thank you, thank you. Do I give a speech? I don't remember. It's been so long. Yeah, you know what? Thank you, everybody, so much for coming.

You know what you have until I go and grab the crown and I forgot? I've missed you here so much. And I have to say, I wouldn't be where I am if it wasn't for Byroden and all of you. I mean, you've taught me so much about myself and I just feel so honored to be from here.

And I just have to thank my friends for really teaching me the meaning of not having to go it alone. So thank you, Dorian, Fearne, Dariax, Fy'ra, and Orym slash Nancy. I'm so full. I'm really proud to be from this town. Thank you.

Well, we love you, Opal. And there's nowhere on the beautiful, green earth of Exandria that you can go that you won't have a home right here with all of us. You can always come back, but you can always stay gone, too. You know?

Okay. Whatever you want. Thank you. We're just happy for you. And she puts this big, ostentatious, ridiculous-looking crown on your head. Let me just pin that. Okay. And you're good. All right. One more time for the Gem of Byroden!

Okay, chili cook-off starts in 20 minutes. Lyle, you stay right the hell away from that. You've got some problems, baby girl. All right, that's it, quack! Good night, everybody! That's great! And the house band plays you all off and you are left to the night festival in Byroden

if there's anything you want to do. Fireworks start up, chili is everywhere, pies are still everywhere. And you, Orym, very specifically are beloved in the food sector. So you are a tiny celebrity there if you want to do anything about it. I'm going to duck out, though, for a little while

because I really need to work it off. And he's actually going to find a quiet, I don't know if he can find a park or something, any kind of quiet nook in the middle of all this madness. And he's just going to take out his sword and just solo, just slowly

start to retrace steps. And he's obviously following patterns, picking them up again. And you're out behind in this empty green place, behind the Civic Center, and you can see the lights from the main festival and the very top of that statue

that's extra lit up at night. And it's a quiet moment for you to get back into it. And it's a little rough, and every now and then you have to stop to remember, but it comes back, and you remember who you are in this moment. And even though you were maneuvering, fighting, that just, it's coming out of your pores,

I think, a little bit. Oh god! It's a good way to work it off, and it's a happy moment because pores, I think, a little bit. Oh god. It's a good way to work it off, and it's a happy moment because he can hear the fun that's going on, and he knows his friends, his new friends are having a very good time, and he's thinking about the past, and he's working off the pie sweats.

It's a win. Amazing. Is there anything else any of you want to do? I think Opal goes back to her house, and she goes back into the room that she shared with Ted, and for the first time since she got there, she actually spends a minute thinking about her sister and maybe sits down on her bed, takes off her crown,

and puts it on the bed, takes off her crown, puts it on the bed, on Ted's bed, and walks out. Knowing that all the rest of them are probably in safe hands, despite almost losing the halfling to the ice sculptures, Fy'ra has actually befriended some of the guards and is walking the parapets and watching the gate.

And she has a feeling of satisfaction knowing that her companions are safe, but still a sense of restlessness knowing what's to come. Make a perception check for me as you look out into the wilderness beyond Byroden. Five. The darkness is even more expansive given the light and sound behind you.

And you look out and there are people moving down far across the road. This is a city called Byroden. And you look out, and there are people moving down far across the road. This is a city called Byroden. It is named because it is adjacent to a road. And you can see the trickles of the last few people moving, traveling throughout the night. It's pretty peaceful.

Anyone else? I'll make my way over to Dariax and Fearne. A few cups in at this point. Mm-hmm. Zorian! Oh, hello, Dariax. Do you want some of this funnel cake? I do, and maybe one of those beers,

but first I have a riddle for both of you. Are you ready? Oh, totally. A half-naked genasi, a six-foot-tall Feywild faun, and a tiny robot walk into a bar. Who wins the drinking contest? Well, I already know the answer to that.

What is it? It's the six-foot-tall faun. Oh, you think? I don't think I know. What do you think? I'm not good with riddles. We'll find out the answer together. But I'm happy to go drinking. Let's do it! All righty!

Yay. Wait. I really like your boots. Thank you. They're so interesting. They are. Okay. Period. And you see Mister just casing your boots, I guess, on Fearne's behalf, and as you guys take off

towards the drinking stalls that are getting even more rowdy and ridiculous, that's where we will leave off for tonight. However, you all level up to level three. Oh! Let us go! So before we leave, let's roll some hit dice, y'all. Ooh.

Boy. What do we have to do? What's that look? Yeah, what do we do? How do we do it? I want to know what to do. We're all so confused. I'm assuming we could have a long rest as well. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going to sleep it off eventually here. So when you level up your character,

instead of taking the median, I mean, you can take the median if you want, if you're a little bitch boy. Or you could roll. Or you could roll for your new hit points. All right. All right. Let me jump on. I'll jump in and help. Do I have to do it on the app?

You don't have to. You can just roll a die here and then you add it. Yeah, and you can add it. Oh, you just add it? Yeah. Yes. I'll go back and tweak it later, so all you have to do is say what you do out loud. Don't worry, my new babies.

Oh god, whatever. Yeah, it's different for every class. Let me, ooh. You're probably an eight, I think. I think bards are an eight. I just don't want to be wrong in 4k, so I'm not going to say anything. Bards are a d8. I'm so confused.

Stop showing me up as a DM, Matthew. I'm sorry, I'm helping. I'm kidding, you're good, you're good. Manage hit points. Your goal is just D&D knowledge. Manage hit points? It's the same as whatever your hit die is. That helps. Oh, oh, okay.

Where is it? You guys, I've never felt so dumb in my life. No, I'm not dumb. You're just learning the rules of the game, that's all. Yeah, you're good. Aw. I rolled a one. Oh, you get to reroll once.

We never keep ones. That's hurtful. So I have to figure out which die? Is that what you're saying? Yeah, here. Sorry. No, no, no. I can Google it. Do I just add it? It's bad, I play Warlock so damn much

and I never remember. Warlocks are a D8 as well, I think. Yeah, cool. Monk, Bard, and Warlock are all D8s. Yep, you're right. Druid, I think, is actually a D8 as well. Yeah, Warlock D8, bard, and warlock are all d8. Yep, you're right. Druid, I think, is actually a d8 as well. Yeah, warlock d8. That's eight for one per bard level.

All right. So do I just? Monk's a d8. Yeah. Yeah. And a d6, and I rolled two. Druid's a d8. Buddy! Hey, it's all good. He rolled two. Does it count if it's not in the dice thing?

Let's go. That's on you. And what your heart says is true. I mean, it's an eight, and I really like to believe in eights. I don't know if that's allowed. Me, here's a thing. You know what? Let me, I feel like I've, I don't like that. It doesn't have to be on the thing. You wouldn't care. I don't like it.

You can keep it. I don't care if it lands in your dice tray. I can't, I just felt the judgment. Just keep the eight. I felt the judgment. I'm judgmental. I feel like I should ask the people at home. I'm judgmental because I forgot what a fucking warlock's die is. You're good, this has nothing to do with you. Warlock. Keep the eight. It's at home. I'm judgmental because I forgot what a fucking warlock's die is.

You're good, this has nothing to do with you. Warlock. Keep the eight. It's a monk. I'm so scared. You got the perfect one. Oh, oh, oh, gotcha. Yeah, I was having a different thing. Where do I write? How do I just write it? Couldn't be more middle. I don't know, you're going to add it.

You can go through it manually. I'll do it for you. All right, thank you. Couldn't be more middling. How'd you do? Four. Okay. Nine. Oh, dang! Okay, okay! Three. Finally, my day has come.

I know. Funny. Yeah, I've watched 99, I know. Yes. Eight. Eight? Derek's got? Two. Yeah. Six. That's pretty good. Okay.

Well, you guys can check out all the cool things you get now that you've leveled up. Oh my god, I'm so excited. Level up, level up, level up. Hey! And that's where we'll leave off tonight and pick up with more adventures as we head south next time. So until we meet again, I appreciate you all. Have a great week.

And is it Thursday yet? No. It's Thursday! Ted looks down. Down into the darkness around her. Within her. She feels so close to home, though she can't touch it. She feels so alone, despite her existence beside and within Opal.

And now she feels the seed, the spark of recognition, of purpose, of potential. And the seed begins to grow. That's it for the episode. I'm Ashley Johnson, just popping in to thank you ever so much for joining us for Exandria Unlimited on the Critical Role Podcast Network.

If you've enjoyed the show, please leave us a review on the podcast app of your choice. Your review may just lead someone new to our podcast. There are unlimited stories to be told, and we hope you'll join us for the next one. Is it Thursday yet?