Critical Role - The Adventures of the Darrington Brigade

Episode Date: December 6, 2019

Live from the Bass Concert Hall in Austin, TX, Taryon Darrington leads a troupe of unlikely miscreants through a dangerous journey in search of glory!This one-shot takes place 10 years following the end of Campaign 1 and includes some Vox Machina spoilers.Original character art by Aviv Or: https://twitter.com/AvivOrTaryon Darrington and Doty miniatures by Steamforged Games: https://twitter.com/SteamforgedLtdDarrington Brigade miniatures provided by Eldritch Foundry: https://twitter.com/EldritchFoundryMiniatures painted by Iron Tusk Painting: https://twitter.com/PaintingTusk

Hi there, this is Matthew Mercer, resident Game Master here at Critical Role, to welcome you to this podcast version of the show. If you'd like to watch the stream as it airs, you can catch it Thursdays at 7pm Pacific on twitch.tv slash criticalrole or youtube.com slash criticalrole. Twitch subscribers can access the video on demand immediately after the broadcast, and it also becomes available on YouTube Mondays at 12 p.m. Pacific. Podcast episodes land right here on the Critical Role Podcast Network on Thursdays, a week after the initial broadcast. Okay, with that info dump out of the, well, hell, hello, Christopher. Well, hell. Hello, Texas. Welcome to Critical Role Live.

Holy shit, this is too many people and I'm wearing single-layer Depends. Happy birthday, Brian! Thank you very much. Thank you so much. Thank you. Ah, you guys are too nice. You guys are too nice. It's wonderful to be in the birthplace of such legends as Lincoln spokesperson Matthew McConaughey, fashion icon and rapper Nelly, and role model and multi-tour de France winner Lance Armstrong. The big... Doesn't this outfit look like a Guns N' Roses tattoo,

by the way? I feel like that yodeling kid from Walmart, if 30 years later and his parents had stolen all his money and fled to Fiji and this is where he ended up.

Some people know what I'm talking about. Hey, speaking of... Hey, kid, if you're watching, by the way, don't do drugs, man. This is what happens. And don't borrow too much money from people. Speaking of borrowing money from people,

it's my birthday. This person was so nice to me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I look out, I see tons of people holding stacks of cash ready to throw at me. Please don't. Instead, for my birthday, in honor of my birthday, I would urge you to please make a donation to

OSD, who's supporting military veterans, active duty, and veterans. So far, we've helped over 700 veterans with the money you guys have given. So we were hanging out earlier with Glenn, the CEO, and just hearing stories and everything. Travis and I both come from military families and what they're doing is remarkable and this country does a shitty job of taking care of people that fucking serve it.

So it's up to us to take care of them. And so please, for my birthday, go to critroll.com slash OSD and donate. You guys, this is a good crowd. You guys, I hope you have your shit together. I hope you have your shit together. All right, all right, all right, all right, all right. On to the bad cop stuff.

So this is being recorded. There are very expensive, high-quality cameras recording this. No need for you to take out your phone and hold it up, blocking someone's view. Or don't be an iPad person. You know when you go to a concert and someone's holding up an iPad? It's like do that at some Dave Matthews band concert or some shit. Not when I'm... shit I'm going to. I'm gonna get a bunch of messages from the Dave Matthews fans. I didn't anticipate pissing them off when I got off the plane yesterday. So that being said, we're also instituting a strict no

spoilers policy because this isn't gonna air until next Friday night for the rest of the Critters. So please, please, please don't tweet Instagram, Facebook, bumble, tumble, rumble, fumble. I don't know Vinny, what's the rest of them? Ruffle? Ruffles have ridges. A couple of meanings there. Let's unpack that at the intermission if we have some time. Yeah, so don't post these more. The other thing is that these live events, shit gets very exciting and emotional,

so you're welcome to cheer and scream and laugh and gasp and hug people next to you if they're okay with it or if you know them. It's important to check first. I learned that the first time I saw Cher. Anyway, story for another time. We got a big show. But what we don't like is when you yell out rules or

you forgot Hunter's Mark or a joke that you think is funny or play Freebird if Matt can't find the song he's looking for on his ipad or anything like that um try not to disturb the people around you the people at home that are going to watch this uh in the weeks to come and um me most importantly because i'm going to be

sitting up there and i brought my blow darts last order of business is without further ado. I would like to introduce the cast of Critical Role. Taliesin Jaffe. It's Laura Bailey. Wow. Marisha Ray! Yes! Woo! Woo! It's Ashley Judson! Yes!

Liam O'Brien. Come over. Give it up for Travis Willingham! Sam Regal it's Matthew! Matthew. That was fun. Woo! Happy birthday, Brian Foster! Happy birthday, Brian Foster! Happy birthday, Brian Foster. Oh, man. Hi, Austin.

This is insane. Thank you. I love you! Thank you guys so much for hosting us for tonight's fantastic Darington Brigade One-Shot. For a few of us, it's their first time in Austin. And I just love your southern hospitality. Man, that's a lot of smiling faces out there. It's like a triple-decker. This is chaos. I love it.

What did you do? No pressure. We're fine. It's all good. Oh, we love you guys. Thank you all for making it out here. Those local and those who traveled far and those who traveled really far, thank you so much for joining us tonight. This is going to be a fun, crazy, silly adventure,

and I'm excited to throw these guys in the middle of it. New character, who dis? Who dis? We have no announcements, necessarily. I can make one announcement. Okay, go for it. I just... I can just... I just wanted to say thank you so much for welcoming us to Texas.

And in front of you guys as my witness, I want to officially pledge my loyalty. Nope. Don't buy it. Thank you to the generosity of Travis Frederick and the peer pressure of Travis Willingham. I will pledge my eternal loyalty to the Dallas Cowboys. Yeah, my new heroes are, and I might be pronouncing these wrong, Tony Ramo,

Dee Dee Saunders, and Larry Allen. Allen. Yeah. But go America's team! Only took almost four years to wear him down. Oh man. Oh, man. Well, a couple of quick thank yous up front. We have some awesome miniatures that you'll see throughout the evening that are displayed.

A huge thanks to Eldritch Foundry for creating the awesome miniatures for the new members of the Darrington Brigade. As well as a huge thank you to Steamforged, who made our Terry and Dodie, who were part of our original miniature Kickstarter. And a major thank you to Aviv Orr for creating the character art for today's show. They're an amazing artist.

If you haven't had a chance to check out their work, highly recommended. And I'm thinking, unless we have anything else to say. Let us go ahead and jump into tonight's Darrington Brigade one-shot for Critical Role. 박수 Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! You're murdered by sprems And the DM's gonna bite you And they rise from the flames For the battle's ahead Villains beware Cause you're about to be dead Shake and flare, they got fowls

Shows in honey, they'll see Over there, there's a monster In honey, inspiration Is waiting, rise up To the sea over there To the monster in mine Inspiration is waiting Rise up, don't look it twice Put your fate in your hands Make a change for us King and Emperor the call Digging deep in your soul Oh Holy shit! Sure! This is definitely the strangest timeline.

So. Oh, God. The year is 826 PD, post-Divergence. Just over a decade since the events of Vecna's Ascension and some so quick vanishing by the famed group of legendary heroes, Vox Machina. While the echoes of their deeds slowly settle over the years, life continues on. Darian Darrington, a heroic crafter of arcane implements

and member of aforementioned Vox Machina, returned to his home in Wildemount, reclaimed the family business, and converted their estate into a shelter for the poor of Deistock. Along with the help of his husband, Lawrence, Tarion created the Darrington Brigade, a non-profit adventuring troupe for hire, seeking to bravely tackle the dangers of Wildemount and help those in need. They also have three rescue dogs.

Even with the release of the first edition of the Daring Trials and Tribulations of Sir Darian Darrington, the years have not been without their challenges. Many of the affluent folks of the Truscan Vale treat this bold new direction of the Darrington family with ridicule, making support for their charitable endeavors an uphill battle, while many capable adventurers who joined the brigade began to bristle with the idea of putting their lives on the line for a non-profit troupe. That said, the supposed arrests of high-ranking myriad leaders and the following dispersing of the criminal organization in the empire

still leaves much mistrust and rumor-mongering. Whispers of a growing Jorhassian threat begin to stoke worry in civilized spaces. In this wake, the need for mercenaries slowly grows, and Tarion has begun putting out flyers across the Marrow Valley, seeking new recruits

for this Darrington Brigade. Promising adventure, glory, and stories to tell, much like those you can find in a copy of his book The Daring Trials of Sir Darington Sir Terry Darington

Now you, the rest of you have all arrived separately, piecemeal to the city of Diyastok a smaller yet quaint seemingly wealthy borough within the Truscan Vale of the Empire. You enter past the perimeter walls, known as the Jeweled Gates,

as the afternoon sun peeks through the cloud-dappled sky. You walk through the bustling Bursar Plaza, filled with quaint shops and bistros, beyond the curling parks of the garden grounds to finally come upon the estate of the Darrington family. Tall gates surround what might have once been beautifully tended gardens and hedges, now leveled to house the rather cramped training grounds, filled with wooden dummies and an open sandpit.

The home itself is a beautiful mansion, although it appears that there's some minor construction on the second floor. That construction appears to be abandoned at the time. You begin to gather these strange faces at the gates before a loud voice suddenly breaks through, catching your attention. Terry, we have guests! You look to see a man's head poking through the door

and quickly closes. You have a moment amongst yourselves if you'd like to talk for a moment. As they all stare at each other awkwardly in silence, for far too long a period of time, the doors open once more to the front of the estate. They're revealing a fully armored Tarion Darrington. Adorned in full regalia, hair perfectly placed,

and decorations on full display. If you would like to describe... Oh, what they see is a living legend. Terry and Gary Darrington. A golden man, head to toe. Golden hair from genetics. Golden armor from money. His blonde hair has a little bit of gray.

He's pushing 40, but if you ask him, it's almost his 33rd birthday. Unlike the first time we met Terry, his armor and accoutrements seem a little bit used. There are scuff marks on his helmet. His rod of mercurial form seems scuffed and mended, and he wears a robe of useful things, but most of the patches are gone

and have been replaced with commemorative patches that say things like, kill a dragon, or transport a treasure, much like the patches you can find on the fourth floor merchandise at intermission. Check him out. His face looks a little younger than it should

because, side note, a few days ago, he gave some aid to a cattle farmer in exchange for a bovine toxin, which he injected into his forehead and lips to give himself a little bit of a younger appearance. So stupid. But in general, he's fabulous. Artificers get that at 10th level, actually.

It's pretty helpful. Behind him, you see walking a nine-foot humanoid figure made of bright gold, adamantine, and other metals, carrying a book under one arm, and following up behind that, you see another man in his early fifties quickly catching up. His shoulder-length hair is mostly graying black while he keeps a gray-white chin beard. He quickly rushes up with a set of keys and unlocks the gates to the manor before shouting, Presenting Sir Terrian Darrington, Master of the House and founder of the Darrington Brigade. Welcome.

You there, you lot. Hello, welcome. Welcome, weary travelers. I am Terrian Darrington, founder, owner, and chief marketing officer of the, thank you, Darrington, founder, owner, and chief marketing officer of the, thank you, Darrington Brigade, Wildemount's only not-for-profit mercenary group. If there's a dragon to slay, we slay it.

If there's a damsel in distress, we unstress her. Our adventures are known far and wide in my best-selling book, copies of which Lawrence will gladly sell you in the gift shop later. Yes, we have quite an abundance. But you have... Larry.

But you have come to us, so I assume you know of our exploits already. I'm more curious about you. Please, introduce yourselves. I guess we're starting with me. You may have heard of my exploits. They are whispered. Whispered in places where evil gather.

Where monsters and demons try and thwart mankind. Criminals and monsters, they're superstitious, timid, and two of the world's greatest predators, the owl and the bear. While frightening, strike nowhere near as much terror as that alliance between them. I am known as the Owlbear. Oh, my God. For reference, you see a man in his late 30s wearing a brown tunic and boots and an owlbear cowl. Way too many daggers hanging from a belt.

And he hasn't shaved in a few days. And some big weird claws on his hands. Yeah, that's right. And you there next to the owlbear, who are you? Hello. My name is Farrow and Breeze. I came here from

an island in the Lucidian Ocean. I come from the monastery of the Eternal Balance. And I have left the monastery because, well, I've heard tale of your exploits, and I'm in need of some training, as far as that is concerned. But I'd love to learn more.

I actually didn't know you were for non-profit. Oh, yes. We should be very clear about this point. Any treasure, spoils, cursed magical items Oh, yes. We should be very clear about this point. Any treasure, spoils, cursed magical items will be turned right over to the Brigade and then sold for the benefit of society. So there will be no profit here. What if the reason I wanted the treasure

was for good of mankind, or maybe just for the good of maybe my mankind. I'm sorry, I don't make the rules. How do you feel about licensing and copyright agreements? Oh, you seem brassy. I'm interested in that, but more about...

We'll put a pin in that. Yeah, more about you, Farrow, and anything else we should know about you. Well, out of character. What, more about you, Farrow, and anything else we should know about you? Well, out of character. What you see before you is a woman with very, very pale, almost alabaster skin

that seems to glow from underneath. She's got very pale pink hair that, if you stare at it, looks like it's blowing a bit in the breeze. And she's wearing a bit in the breeze and um she's wearing a dress that is gray with uh faded uh colors from the bottom up uh including all the colors of flame and wind and all of that fabulousness and then her arms um on one arm are these these almost glyphs that resemble flames licking up her arm, so it looks like they glow from underneath like an opal almost.

And then on the other side, it echoes clouds blowing in the breeze. That's some amazing ink you've got there. Oh, it isn't ink. You were born with that? No, it's more like engra got there. Oh, it isn't ink. You were born with that? No, it's more like engravings. Oh, so you're into bard mod? Cool. Yeah. Yeah, cool, awesome.

And you, pushy lady. Oh, yes. Oh, wow. Oh, there's music coming from you. You see a dwarven woman with basically a one-man band set up. Entirely.

She has a giant drum on her back and with stirrups that go around her her shins, so every time she walks, you hear all... Um, hello. Hello. Holy shit. Well. Allow me to introduce myself, if you don't mind, if I make an introduction.

I am Hazel Copperpot of the Hopper Duke Copperpots. Inventor. And newly found storyteller. An inventor and a storyteller sounds like a young, well, a same age me. A exactly same age me. Yes, yes. You see, I am quite a fan of Terrian Darrington and all of your novels and your books

and working long hours in the factory, I used your exploits to escape. But as I was reading, I thought, what if the other world could hear about these magical tales and adventures through an audio recording? What is an audio recording? I write my books down on paper, like anyone else should.

Of course. I'm sure you've heard of my books, The Man Who Should Be King. Yes, that was a good one. The Blonde, the Brave and the Bold. That one was all right. Terry and Darrington and the Half-Blood Prince. Absolutely my favorite. You see, I am the inventor of this contraption right here.

And you see, kind of like a, well, it's a wax cylinder type of gramophone device with copper piping that goes up and she has a giant horn behind her. This is the Copperpod Crank Action Audiomatic. And it can record the human voice, you say? Absolutely. And then some...

Can you demonstrate this weird contraption? Why, yes, yes I can. You see, I would like to make you a pitch. Okay. You see, I read an excerpt of one of your books and thought I would give a little spin of it. It was the turbulent trials of Tarion Darrington and his adventures of Vox Machina.

That's a page turner. Yes, it really quite is. So if you don't mind, and I pull out a wax cylinder, and I smash it into the device, and I... And now for the thrilling conclusion of Tarion Darrington

versus the Kraken of the Ashari. From the moment I laid eyes on the remote tribe of the Water Ashari, it was clear that these druidic transients were in desperate need of my aid. I saw the concern in the eyes of the rest of Vox Machina as we approached the gateway to the Plane of Water. And at that moment, I knew that I, Tarion Darrington, must bravely shoulder the burden of this task. I stepped through the portal and was greeted with the intimidating expanse

of an endless realm of water and desolation. I'll start gathering the stones, the antler-clad Keyleth remarked. Then I'll watch for the kraken, I bolstered with heroic resolve. I brandished my weapon and peered into a darkness only familiar to the bizarre aquanauts of the deepest depths of the Lucidian Ocean. Suddenly, the little elf girl exclaimed, This is the unabridged version. I followed the line of Vex's arrows to the enormous monstrosity, the Kraken itself. Stay back, hideous seven-eyed bird!

Bioshock 5 is really weird. Magical blast! In retaliation to my display of power, the Kraken whipped a tentacle towards Grog, incapacitating the innocent bystander instantly. My new triumph over the meaty mollusk was not worth the life of an apprentice or a friend. Retreat! I shouted, and with a mighty kick, I scooped up the unconscious body of

the hulking goliath and made a break for the portal. That was amazing! So you see, as incredible as I was able to make your totally accurate recounting of fighting the dragon sound. It was, yes. It lacks a certain pizazz, a certain je ne sais quoi, a certain oomph, so if you would have me, I would love to go with you in your exploits and capture the battle live.

An audio recording of me live in battle, winning hearts and minds? Absolutely. Wow, that's a lot to think about. I already have a biographer. Terry? Let's continue this conversation later. The automaton leans over Terry's shoulder and you've never seen a creation of this magnitude scowl

before. But it appears to be paying very close attention to you. This must be Dottie. It's Dottie. Oh, sorry. Big fan. Quite magnificent, really. He really is, and he's been a loyal companion for many, many

years, so I'd hate to discard him, but that technology is new and shiny. I would never want to be a replacement for Dodie. He is quite a valuable teammate and an integral part of an incredible and compelling narrative. Please, I am just bringing this incredible story to a different medium. Hmm. I'll think on this. Thank you for your amazing introduction.

You are a strong candidate. How about over here? Thank you. You folks, you lot. Who are you on the end there? Yeah, can I just say, that was pretty fucking cool. Yeah, I've seen a lot of shit in my day, and I've never seen anything like that.

That was pretty fucking cool. Why, thank you. Thank you, young lady. Sure. My name is Damien Vadoma. Damien Vadoma. You've probably heard of my family. We kind of

Deal with things A little Underneath it all you know If you haven't heard of us Then we're probably doing it right Are you spies of some sort Yeah I mean Yeah I mean if you need something Are you spies of some sort? Yeah, I mean, yeah.

I mean, if you need something, we can get it for you. Oh, I understand. Whatever it is, you know. Something of an underworld organization. Yeah. All right. Yeah, but I mean, I've read your books and stuff, and I heard about this. I actually didn't realize it was non-profit either, but that's okay.

But I just, you know, I just wanted to try something. I don't know. I'm a little less immoral, I guess, and just see if I like it. Oh, you're dipping your feet into... Yeah, like I might get bored, but who gives a fuck, it's something to do. So Damien is half-elven, very tall, flaming orange hair,

wearing a maroon suit, has two stilettos, and the hilt of each are brass knuckles. Fucking awesome. She's got tattoos everywhere that you can see. Latin, vita, morse, life, death on her hands, depending on the day, whatever she wants to give. And across her neck, she has a tattoo that says,

never forget. No regrets. Next to Damien, who do we have there? My name is... My name is Buddy. Buddy. Buddy. Buddy.

He is a nine foot tall ogre he is slow moving hunched over wears a hat with mud flaps hanging down the side of his face he is squinting he really looks like he cannot see that well he has a large hulking metal breastplate on his torso He is squinting. He really looks like he cannot see that well.

He has a large, hulking metal breastplate on his torso and a rough plank of wood tied to his shoulder with a halfling sitting on it. Mac, what do I say? Nathan, you're doing great! Thank you! Boy, you guys are a really cool looking group. This is my pal Buddy. Buddy is a very special ogre. Buddy, give him a wave. Wave.

Buddy. Buddy, it looks like you're looking at my companion, Doty. I'm over here. Can you not see me? Buddy, to the right. To the right! Okay. To your other right! Okay. You may need some ocular correction.

You know what? Here at the Darrington Brigade, we have all sorts of implements, tools, equipment engineered by yours truly, and maybe I could hook you up with something that could help you see a little bit better. What's octopus connection? Oh, boy. Yeah, no. Short words.

Short, tiny words. Me fix you eyes. Okay. Okay. About this time, kind of wandering from the mansion, you see, stepping through the door, looking a bit curiously, and then quickly, with a big grin, rushing up, what looks to be a tall

half-orc. Bright smile on his face, short, dark hair on top, breastplate sort of in the back, and a wave's up. Hi, sorry, I didn't realize we were having guests here. Oh, this is one of our current members. Lionel, introduce yourself. Hey, guys, I'm Lionel Gayhart.

I'm one of the original members of this brigade, and I'm also the backup field commander. So if he's not around, listen to me. Did I do it right? Did I do it okay? You did just fine. He also speaks fluent duck, if you ever need that. What was that? He can speak to ducks.

Now, apart from Lionel here, who is a stalwart member of the brigade, as you may have heard, some of the members of the brigade have taken a sabbatical when they found out the non-profit nature of the group. And I assume that you are all here to present yourselves as candidates for membership. Real quick, before we get into it, I just want to take a survey. Dodie, take down their responses.

How did you hear about the Darrington Brigade auditions? Was it A, from a friend, B, on a magical message delivered by a hag, or C, from a flyer posted around the continent? Oh, C. C? C, yeah. C, yeah. So it was the flyers then. Excellent job, Doty, money well spent. What? Well, congratulations on taking

the first step in your new career. We in the Brigade do more by 9 a.m. than most people do by 10 a.m. Small disclaimer, I want to make sure that you are all very aware of the non-profit nature of the group, right? You've got that. We're all on board?

Excellent. But intellectual property rights, we can discuss. We'll discuss that. Thank you. So the stipend might be a way to go or something. Ooh, the owlbear, we'll talk about that as well. But the first step in the process is the initiation. Lionel, I will let you take it over from here.

You got it, boss. All right, so first we got to get you wearing some of our officially branded materials here, and then we're going to throw you in the pit and see what you got. Yeah, we have a warehouse over here with some of my experiments and developments that aren't quite done or have been used

and discarded. Right, right, yeah. Come on, follow me. He turns around and happily skips towards this it's a warehouse, you can see it was once like a wood storage shed for the winter. But he goes around and starts grabbing all sorts of shields and objects and items and manages to find

that pair of goggles. You request and he goes, I think these should fit your face pretty good. Tell me, tell me! Oh. How's that? Oh. Those are very special goggles that should let you see very keenly.

He looks over at Terry and... You are pretty. Correct, yes. Also, that fellow on your back, was it Mac? Mac. Yeah, no, my name's Macaroni Samsonite. It looks

like awkward bench seating you've got up there. Yeah, it's not very stable, but it's the best way I can kind of steer him in the right direction. I've got you. My foot. He's crushing my foot. I think we can do better than that.

There was a chariot I was developing for a while, imbued with electronic powers, but I never really finished it. Lionel, do you think we could retrofit it for the ogre there? Probably. I could try. Yeah, we could try. Hold on. That's all I ever ask. What hydroponic?

Oh boy. Right about that time, the wood board is pulled off by a really excited Lionel. It begins affixing onto your shoulders a much more comfortable strapped-like mechanism with a large platform in the back. Elements of it, he's cutting off with his hatchet, his hand axe, and making it fit quite right as he can. It's still a little rickety, but you put it on and it actually

fits pretty nice. It has these little blue crystals that are fixed at the bottom of it. Shiny. And this, much like every single other piece of equipment you've acquired, are all very brightly branded with the Darrington Brigade logo. TD, TM.

Does that suit you well? Does it fit your hunchy back? I don't know. Okay. I'll take that as a yes. Anyone else need any items, anything to help you in the battles ahead? What do you have? Yeah.

A little of everything. What are you offering? All right, let's go ahead and get the rest of this bulk out here, then. Pulls up the books, and over the next 20 or so minutes, you guys work through all of your possible requests, of which near none of them are fulfilled,

but a handful of them are, and you manage to acquire a few independently created Terry Darrington brand magical items, of which you now have access to. Nice. Upon everyone being outfitted, Lionel looks over and goes, Sabah, should we take him outside to do the initiation?

Absolutely. Let's go. Okay, follow me. This is going to be fun. Fun, fun, fun. Leads you all outside into that sand pit that you saw around the training area. Kind of asks you all to line up and goes,

all right, so as it is required, as members of the Darrington Brigade, you must follow the initiation rite, of which was learned by his time being initiated into Vox Machina. You guys did this! We picked his ass. A tried and true right any adventurer should take.

So, two volunteers up first. I'll go. Yeah, I'll go. You're a fucking owlbear, go. Alright, Damien. Alright, so we have Owlbear and Farwin. Alright, Damien. Oh. Alright, so we have owlbear and Farwin. Alright, stand in the pit.

Okay. Okay. Alright. And fight. Roll initiative. Each of... Oh my god.

Oh god. Dodie brings out a plate of figs for me. 18. 18? 10. All righty. Oh shit. All right, Farwyn, your turn's up first.

You see the owlbear step out and look at you. Oh. Come on. Okay, you look very tough. Yeah. All right, I'm just going to take one of my stances. I'm going to reach out with my flame hand and smack him in the middle of the chest.

Stunning strike. Okay, roll for an attack. Hey! Do I have to say I'm gonna Stunning Strike right from when I hit, or do I just? Well, you can say it once you've hit. I'm gonna hit him. All right, go for it.

Oh god, okay, okay, okay, okay. This is so nerve-wracking. 19? That hits. Yeah. Stunning Strike. All right, so go ahead and make a constitution saving throw, Owlbear. The Owlbear.

The Owlbear. The Owlbear. 19. What does that do? What does that mean? I think I saved it. He does save. All right, you're making your second attack then?

Yeah. All right. Second attack. I'm going to Stunning Strike. All right. I'm going to try to hit him first. Yeah. Oh, that's cocked.

Ah! Oh, okay, again, that's high. 18? 18 is my AC. So I hit him. Yeah, so go ahead and roll damage. Stunning Strike. Well, you have to still roll damage on these hits.

Oh, I haven't been rolling damage! No, you have not been. She's new to the monk, folks. That's important! Oh, shit. Ten on the first one, five on the second. 15 points of damage to you, the owlbear. And go ahead and make a constitution saving throw

for a second stunning strike. 12. That is a failure, you are now stunned. Oh man. Until the end of our next turn. Farrowin, you have your bonus action still. Do you want to do anything? Yes, I'm going to Flurry of Blows.

All right, two more attacks. Both of these attacks with advantage, because he is stunned. First attack. Hits. Second attack. Definitely hits. Okay.

Damage two more times. I miss you, one. Look at that. Take that, fantasy Frank Miller. I'm aware it's going to turn into more Lego Batman the longer this goes. 13 points of damage for the flurry of blows. 13 points.

For my second move. What? Because it's the end of my next turn, so I get to go again. Yeah, so, Owlbear Man, you prepare yourself, you think, and this woman, this very kind of colorful, ethereal woman suddenly moves

at the speed you weren't expecting. This is so awkward. And with a couple of precise hits, you find yourself losing muscle control and coughing heavily. Your vision blurs before you take a whole other series of attacks. Go for it.

All right, for this next one, I'm going to spend another ki point. Well, hit for a... Well, okay, fine. I mean, you know, I could dodge maybe. Advantage on this next one? Where's advantage over? No, no, no, I still get advantage

because you're still stunned. Man. Nah, 15 doesn't hit. Well, no, no, I still get advantage, because you're still stunned. Man. Nah, 15 doesn't hit. Wow, how do I miss him when he's stunned? He's that good. Yeah. I smell kind of bad, too. Okay, I'm gonna circle around back.

All right. And step behind him. Yeah, that definitely hits, 17 plus. Okay, so I'm going to spend a key point and invoke my fangs of the fire snake. Whoa. What is that? So I'm going to,

my arm that has the flame glyphs going up the side, I'm going to squeeze my fist really tight and the glyphs are going to start to glow orange. I'm going to, hmm, yeah, I'm going to punch you right in the small of your back. Like, by your kidneys. Kidney punch? Yeah.

All right, so roll damage. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, wait, ooh! That's really good, though. Hold on, let me see what you did. Okay, so I'm going to hit him regular, and then, ooh, and then I do flame damage. Oh, that's good. 16 points.

16 points. And then, I'm going to spend another ki point. What? Fucking monks. Num, num, num, num, num, num. You're telling me. And do Flurry of Blows. All right, two more strikes.

I've already finished the plate of figs. Getting a second one. Natural 20. Oh, shit! What the fuck, man? Monks, man. So that's 12 plus six is 18 plus four is 22 points of damage on that one.

And then for my... You doubled those things? Yeah, I doubled that. And then for my next attack... She is fucking him up! That definitely hits. Oh, that sucks. Okay, eight plus one,

so nine points of fire damage. Nine! Nine points of fire damage. And then while he's stunned, I'm going to back up my entire movement, which is what? At the 10th level, it should be around 50 feet, I believe? Around 50 feet, yes, I'm going to back up 50 feet.

50 feet away. Jeez. Jeez. Jeez. Jeez. So Owlbear, man, ManBearPig, Owlbear, man. Owlbear, it's your turn. You come back. You're sore. You've been battered in various places of your body

and you watch as this same figure just shunts back about 50 feet from you. What are you doing? Well. I am, first of all, going to... Rage. I am going to move my full 40 feet towards you, which is not quite close enough. My name is Farrowin.

Farrowin. Your name's dead meat now. I believe I can add movement with my bonus action. I think I can, I have a dash. You used your bonus action to go into a rage. Okay, I used it to go into a rage, so this is as far as I can go. Then I'm going to circle around at 20 feet.

Okay. And I'm going to throw two daggers with, well, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I think I can use, can I get advantage on this? Can I, can, or that has to be a close-up strike? Well, if you're raging and it's strength-based, then you can get the advantage on that if you do reckless. Okay, so, yeah, well, yeah, it's,

for a throne, I can do strength, yeah, so. Advantage. Yeah, so I'm going to take advantage on that. Are you doing reckless? Um, hmm, I'm going to take advantage on that. Okay. Are you doing reckless? Um, hmm. I'm going to do reckless on the first one. Well, you do reckless, it's for the full round.

Yeah, for the full round. Yeah, let's do it. Let's just see what happens. That's a negative five, I believe, to hit. Fifteen to hit. Nope. Next one. I'm darty.

And it's a negative 5 to strike, right? For what? For when you take reckless. Oh no, I'm so sorry. I'm using gunslinger rules. That would have been 20 to hit. I'm so sorry. Yeah, yeah. No, it's just advantage on the attacks and advantage against you. So 20, the first one you hit.

That hits. So that's 1d one. That hits. All right, fine. That hits. So that's 1d8, plus I'm going to take my sneak attack damage because I have advantage against you. Yes, you do. Oh. Oh, yeah. Wait, you're a rogue barbarian?

Think about it. Think about it. Oh. Pretty cool. Yeah. Four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10. Oh, that's really good. 11, 12, 13, 14, 15. That's mean.

16 points of damage. Oh! And then I'm going to throw another knife for my second attack. And that's 19 to hit. And that's eight points of damage. Fine. And I am 20 feet away from you and raging.

All right. Farwyn, it's your turn. And as a reminder, you can deflect missiles if they come at you. Ah, balls. But it is your turn, so what do you want to do? This is my first time being a monk. I know. All right.

All right, then I'm going to... Wait, hold on. It's okay, I forgot there's extra damage. I forgot that we're even... Screw it! I'm going to try to run forward and hit him again. Go for it. I get advantage, because he was advantage, right? Yep. I'm gonna try to run forward and hit him again. Go for it.

I get advantage because he was advantage, right? Yep. Ha! Oh shit. Better than head. Shut up. I'm gonna try, wait hold on a second. That's right. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on. Okay, I'm going to do it again. Okay, that one does hit. That one does hit. That one does hit. So stunning strike. All right.

So roll your damage, and then you make a constitution saving throw, Owlbear. Do I have a advantage on constitution saving throws because I'm raging? I think it's strength. Strength, just strength. Seven points of damage.

Halved. Two, three, or four? Yeah, that rage is a mother, isn't it? Halved to three, right? Yeah, three. Oh, God. Yeah, I know, look at that. And a constitution saving throw.

Yeah. 15. You fail. Scunned again. All right, you have your bonus action, Farwyn. Dodie, take this down. Monks are overpowered as shit. No shit.

Terry? Perfect, well, good, good. Flurry of Blows. Can you do two things with ki points in one turn? Yes, you can. Sweet. Use as many as you like, Honey Bun. Then I'm going to spend a ki point to Flurry of Blows.

All right. All right. Two more attacks with advantage. La, la, la, la, la, la, la. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Oh, yeah. That hits. And I'm going to spend a ki point to flame strike him.

Fire snake from my hands. Oh, that's good. Oh, shit, that's good. So that's ten points plus eight points of fire damage. Yeah, it's 18 halves, so that's... Fire damage is not halves. It is for me. It is for him.

Oh! It's almost to me. That's only nine points of damage. It's almost like the totem's half his name. Just nine points. That's fine. I'm unconscious. Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! So I'm going to levitate up in the air and take a bow. I, yeah. Amazing. That was pretty impressive, boss. Therouin, that was incredible. We will confer, but your chances look very good. Yeah, that was amazing. Yes, Lionel, what do you think?

I think we should maybe consider... Okay, okay, okay. Next pair. Volunteers? Volunteerian. You know, I'm more of a support person. All right, so you're up next, and... Ogre. Oh, oh, oh. You are pretty.

Hi, yes, you're big. Quite large, yes you are, hello. Small. That's me. And her. And fight. Roll initiative. Oh god. Six.

Nine. Ah. Nice. Oh. Nice, yeah. That was amazing. All right, Hazel, you're up first. What are you doing? Oh shit, okay. Um, sorry, sorry, sorry.

I see the hulking giant coming towards me, and I take out one of my wax cylinders, and I slam it into my device, into my audiomatic, trademark, and I start playing . And I cast Confusion. I'm already confused. That's pretty great.

All right, so Buddy, if you could go ahead and make a wisdom saving throw, please. Uh-oh. 14. Oh! 14. Fail. No! You cannot take reactions, and you have to roll a d10 at the start of each round

to determine your behavior. Okay. Are you staying put, or are you moving away, Hazel? I am going to back away. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. All right. Buddy, go ahead and roll a d10 for me. Two. You don't move or take actions this turn. Oh no!

Why are we fighting? Hazel, you're up. Um. I love this so much. This is the best. You know what, I don't quite know, big guy, but I am quite sorry, and I take out another cylinder, and I slap it in. Are you playing music?

And out of my horn, I cast Color Spray at Buddy. Oh, poor Buddy. It's the rainbow of pain. Buddy likes colors. I'm seeing them for the first time. Blink, blink, blink. Oh my goodness, all right. By the way, Buddy is now wearing large Coke bottle glasses

that make his eyes look abnormally large. Also, Hazel, what level are you casting it? I am going to cast it at third levial. Levial. That's how they talked in the old days. Yes, it is. Okay. So that should mean that I'm doing 10d10 damage?

No, you roll 10d10 to see how many hit points a creature's still gonna affect. Okay. Okay, yeah, same thing. Good luck. First three. Ooh, kind of crap, so 10. Ooh, 21, 26.

That was... So I need to roll four more. Where we were at, 26? Mm-hmm. 35. And one more. 39 damage. That is not damage.

That is how many hit points of creatures it can affect. 39 hit points that will solely affect Buddy. Ooh, that's pretty! Buddy, do you have more than 39 hit points currently? Way more. Has no effect on him, unfortunately. Oh! He's a much tougher ogre than those you might be used to.

Oh shit, that's important to know next time. Better to get that out now than later. No, I don't need it so much. Mac, Mac, did you see? Buddy. That was great! Even though if he was hit by it, does that mean he's still blinded by it, or no, not at all?

Unfortunately, it only affects a certain number of hit points of creatures. It's like the sleep spell, Marisha. That's a hard one. You have to surpass my hit points. Buddy, roll a d10. Yeah. Oh, is he still confused?

Yes, he is. Three. Alrighty. Yeah. Oh, is he still confused? Yes, he is. Three. All righty. Three, you don't move or take actions. The colors are so bright and so beautiful in ways you've never seen before. For like a minute. Hazel, you're up.

Are we done here? Nothing's happened to you yet. Ookie dookie. It's like I'm Grog! Goodness gracious. That's dumb, I don't want to do that. I have such a support class. Do you have a weapon at all?

No, I'm a bard in a one-man band suit! Hit him with a symbol! Okay, okay, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I am going to listen to Fero and, where is it, I haven't used spells in a while! Okay. Okay, I'm going to run up, and with my symbols, I'm going to go and I'm going to crash,

I'm going to do shatter right across poor Buddy's head. Oh. All right. Let's do it at third level. Third level? All righty, Buddy, I need you to make a constitution saving throw, please. Okay. That's five.

You take 4d8 thunder damage. Buddy. Buddies. Buddies. Buddy. Okay, nine plus seven. No. Nine plus seven is not 11.

I know, but. 16. 16, thank you. And then. 20. 20 total damage. 20 points of thunder damage to you, buddy. All right, and are you going to, so you moved up close to Buddy,

are you gonna move back or stay right there in the fray? No, I'll jog back. All righty, finishing back, she's about. How far away is she? What's her movement? I'm a dwarf, 25 feet. 25 feet? Oh no.

I'm probably, because of shatter. You moved up to do shatter, and then moved back. Yeah, but I didn't move into base, so I'm probably like 50 feet back. 50 feet? If it's that big. What was the range on shatter? Shatter is like a 60-foot range.

60 feet. Okay, so yeah, so you don't have to be that close for that. We'll say, since you said it, 50 feet. 50 feet, got it. All right, roll a d10 for me, buddy. Yeah. Five. Oh, at the end of your turns, you get a saving throw.

I forgot about that. Oh. Not bad. So roll another saving throw for me. Yeah. That's cocked. Roll it again. I will wink at him And give him a little bit of a boost

I'll flash my genius at him And give him a plus four to that roll Alright Is this a wisdom save? Yes Plus four, not a d4 or a four? Plus four Plus four

Seventeen Seventeen, does that four. Seventeen. Seventeen, does that succeed? Seventeen for the confusion? Seventeen is what you need. All right, you have your turn, buddy. You now, the spell fades, you have control. He slowly swings his head over to Macaroni and says,

I thought we were here to make friends. Aww. And he starts running towards the dwarf, and after 10 feet, leaps. I want to be friends, I want to be friends, I want to be friends. So that's 35 feet, and then he closes the distance, and he's holding this gigantic brass

or golden jewel-studded club that he was just given. I, I like you. I like you too. The first one misses. That's a 13. Miss. The second one is a 27. Definitely hits.

One second. Not too bad. That's cocked. It's a pyramid, how did it get cocked? 13 points of damage, and I'm going to use Action Surge. Oh! The first one is cocked between 11 and 13. I should have kept it.

That's 17. Hits. And the second one hits, too. So? Damage twice. Yeah. The first hits for 13. And the last one hits for 12.

Hello, lady. Aw. Hello, big man. Ha ha ha ha. All done. Hazel, your turn. Son of a bitch. Okay.

Okay, okay, okay. Well, oh, oh. I, ooh, I like you. I'm going to say, I like you too, big man. And you know what? I do want to be friends. I don't want to fight anymore. And you know what?

I don't think there is a competition after all. And I'm going to cast Modify Memory. All right, go ahead and make a wisdom save. You have advantage on it because you are fighting. Oh, all right. There was no fight. 19. Oh. Fuck.

Ouch. All right, are you going to do anything else on your turn? Stay put? Well, no. I would like to move away. Very quick. If I could. Hang on, let me make sure I mark a spell slot here. And then,

I am, you know, I'll just stay there. I don't want to incur the wrath of the beast. Yep. All right, buddy, you're up. I thought we were fighting now. Okay. And I swing at her twice. The first one is a 26.

Whoa! Jesus. The second one is 14. Oh! 14 misses. Okay. That's 13 points of blood gem damage! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, what did you say, 14? Yeah.

Well, you didn't understand what he said. All right. All right, Hazel. All right. Jeez Louise, I am going to say, you know, I really like your new goggles. Yeah. Shame for what I'm about to do.

Ugh. I throw in another wax cylinder, and I crank it up and. And I cast Blindness on him. No! Oh boy. That's rough, buddy. Buddies.

Buddy. All right. Go make a constitution saving throw for me, buddy. Okay. I will use Indomitable. All right. To reroll save. Natural 20. Sorry, Hazel.

Uh-huh. Oh. Wow. Aw. Magnificent. Anything else, Hazel? What's up next? Hazel will cast Healing Word on herself.

You've already cast one spell. It's a bonus action. You can't do two spells. That's new. Technically, it's original. That's 80 episodes new. She's been a monk for a while, man. Must be nice.

I will continue to be pummeled by Buddy. Buddy, your turn. I'm okay to stop. First one, 17, second one, 20. Both hits. 13 and 11. Take a pounding, man. Yeah. Huh? A lot of hit points.

Yeah. Hazel, you can end this, you know? What? No, you never set up any parameters! I realize there could've been more rules to this. Yeah, no, she's actually kind of telling the truth to her boss, we didn't put a lot of specification to this. If you want to end this, just say the word.

We'll tap you out. That feels like a cop-out. It might, but just so you know, you made a whole pitch with my voice in it, so you're probably going to get in anyway. Really? I mean, yeah. I did kind of come prepared with a nice presentation.

You did, as the old folks say. Yeah. Um. Are we still fighting? I, I'm sorry, buddy. And I give a healing word to buddy. Oh. Well, that's the very definition of teamwork then, isn't it?

Yes, you're right. I am very generous. Could you give one to Owlbear? He's still unconscious. I'm on it. I'm on it. Oh, God. Did he die? Is he dead? They weren't fighting to the death. He's just been unconscious this whole time.

There's a pool of blood. No, it's internal bleeding, don't worry. Buddy's just stomping all over Owlbear. That's a rat! I give seven hit points to Buddy. And I heal nine hit points to the dead owlbear. Evil crime. An excellent fight.

An excellent, excellent fight. Very entertaining. Even though none of your spells seem to work, they were very original. And Buddy, you're good. I would like to think that confusion spell works quite nicely, but you know. Buddy reaches out to shake her hand

and sees it for the first time, and between his thumb and his forefinger goes, We are friends. Hi. I do believe this is the start of a beautiful relationship. Also, if you are looking for a manager I do believe this is the start of a beautiful relationship. Also, if you are looking for a manager or representation,

just, I'll give you my card. Hey, lady, get your own ogre. What, sorry. Okay, so we have Damien and Macaroni, was it? Macaroni! You're pretty! All right, good. He's in the middle. I hop in the ring. You know what's so great about this?

This reminds me of my family gatherings for holidays. Yeah, this is great. Are you from Bostonia? Yeah, we're from everywhere. All right, if I could have Mac and Damien go ahead and roll initiative for me, please. 20. 15!

All right, Damien, you're up first as you guys square off in the middle of the dusty sand pit. Pulling the stilettos from your sheets, what are you doing? So I pull those out, kind of spin them around. I'm like, yeah, these are pretty cool. Feel them out. And... as a bonus action to start...

Where did it go? Here it is. I'm going to produce flames from one of these swords. Oh, that's fucking cool. Oh, it's going to stay on there, okay. And now I'm going to attack Macaroni. Uh-oh. First attack. Macaroni. Uh-oh. First attack. Oh, that's no music, it's so quiet now.

Ah, shit. 12. Yes. Second attack. Hey, ba-da-ba-da-ba-da, three! 21. Shit! Piss! Okay.

Okay, okay, okay, okay. Eight. 17 points of damage. Ooh! Are you okay there, little man? I'm just fine. Let's start this off right. Oh no.

And I will cast Flamestrike. So you watch as Damien checks out the weapons, rushes forward, miss, stab. Ooh, good, it's like. A column of divine fire bursts from the ground beneath Damien. Whoa! Light him up, baby!

Woo! I need you to make a dexterity 15 saving roll. Okay. I'm going to use Indomitable for that. Yeah. Because that was shit. 22. Oh! She did it.

All right, so that's 8d6 fire and radiant damage halved. So go ahead and roll that up there. So that's 25 points of fire damage reduced to 12, and 23 points of radiant damage. Reduced to, I don't know. 11? 11?

Yeah, 11. Cool. And you see Macaroni, kind of is in all this makeshift sort of bone and hide armor, kind of looking like the Lost Boys from Peter Pan. And she looks at you, he looks at you and goes, Promethean!

All right, David, you're up. All right, I like this little man. You know what, I'm going to make this fight a little more fair, yeah? I'm going to bonus action cast Giant Might on myself. Cast what? Giant Might on myself. Cast what? Giant Might? You watch as she takes her finger

and draws this rune across the front of the suit that she's wearing, and as she finishes up this rune, in but a split second of the eye, her body grows to near twice its size. That just seems unnecessary. Her body grows to near twice its size. Yeah. That just seems unnecessary. Nah, it's entirely necessary. Oh, you are pretty.

15 for the first hit. Miss. Natural one. Oh. What the? Oh, yes, yeah, that's a one. 500 bucks for OSD, woo! So both shots miss.

Oh. All right, Macaroni, you're up. Okay. I will cast Spirit Guardians at 5th-level! Yeah! I need you to make a wisdom 15 saving throw. Okay. Goddamn it.

Wait, hold on, let me see if I have anything for this. Goddamn it. Wait, hold on, let me see if I have anything for this. Um. Fail. I failed. That's 22 points of necrotic damage. What do your spirit guardians look like? Oh, shit. Do they look like macaroni? They look like these really cute porcupines

that come out, and then when they steal, they're like. Perfect. All right, so Damien, they're taking that damage. It's your turn. Okay. It's cocked. Yeah, that's bitter. I'm going to float over on my flying broom

and just watch the action a little closer. No. What, what, what was that? 19. Oh, no, that misses. I like your tattoos, though. Ah, it's cocked, come on. Goddamn it, no, it doesn't hit.

Would it be better if I just stop moving for you? You know what, Terry? I think we should take advantage of your rules, and maybe we should just call this a banishment! At fourth level! Oh my god. So go ahead and make a charisma saving throw. 15, please.

15. Travis, you're killing me. It's a mean cleric. 11. Eleven. Oh man, we just got her back! Bye-bye! Wow, incredible. That was really impressive. Yeah.

Please tell me I made the team, because I've got like 50 seconds. I think it's clear that you did definitely make the team. Lionel, thank you for a reference. I should let you know, though, re-come is a package deal, so either Buddy comes, or I leave. Buddy won his round, so he's also in. Hey, that's great!

I saw it more as an honorable truce, but you know. It's about now that Damien reappears. Oh shit, I'm... Boy, that was a hell of a place. That's a pretty cool trick. No problem. A lot better when I'm on your side.

Yeah. I was just going easy on you, though, because you're really small. Did we just tell the others to go away? That is true. No, no, no. We need all the help we can get. I'll come clean with you guys. I've been alone for quite some time now.

No one wants to adventure with me anymore. I can't seem to attract anyone. We've tried flyers and magical means of advertising, and no one wants to be in the Danganronpa game. Well, maybe it's because you take away their treasure. Well, but that was the whole point of the brigade. Also, you could use some work on your marketing campaign. I am more than willing to help you on your outreach.

Do you cry? Is this like a thing that you do? I'm fine. I'm fine. It's just, I want to do good in the world. And no one wants to come with me. I know what you need, Bobby. Give him a hug.

No, it's okay. I'm fine. Give him a hug. Okay. No, it's okay. I'm fine. Give him a hug. Lionel pushes Terry into Buddy. Yeah! Yeah! Take it!

That's an ogre hug. Friends, I can see your tears. That's from the smell? Thank you. If you will all have me, I would gladly welcome you all to the Terry and Barrington Brigade as probationary members.

Provided that you perform well in our first adventure. Buddy lifts Terry in the air. Yay! Lawrence steps up at this point and is like, well, if that is where we are, should we give them quarters then? Oh, yes, yes. Welcome to my home.

Our home? Sorry, sorry. Welcome to our home. We hope no one's allergic to dogs. We have three lovely pups running around. There's Barry, Carrie, and Danny. That's short for Vaxxeldan. Yum!

Yeah, Buddy usually eats dogs. Mr. Owlbear, you might want to stay a little further away. I got my eye on everybody. So there are lodgings then. Yes, we got my eye on everybody. Our clothes are fine. So there are lodgings then. Yes, we have rooms for you that we've prepared.

Took me by surprise there, that was good. We can rest, recuperate, and see what the next day will bring. Indeed. Follow me, I'll go ahead and lead you to your rooms. Goes ahead and escorts the entirety of your troop into the Darrington estate. Now, whereas once this was a beautiful mansion that housed the handful of wealthy members

of the Darrington family, after losing their fortune and then reopening as a home to house the poor, as well as the Darrington Brigade and whatever else sort of chaos there is without much of an income, the house has fallen into a bit of disuse. A number of the rooms are just kind of like hostile lodging for people that need a place to stay,

and a couple of folks kind of just wave to you as you pass by. As Lawrence shows you to your different rooms, they're split into three and three. So three of you are sharing one room, three of you are sharing another. You can decide which is which. It is cramped.

The furniture is dusty. But it's a place. At least while you're working together as part of this adventuring group. I just need a hutch of some kind, I'll be fine. If I can just get like a corner, I can like make something work in like one of the closets,

that's alright if someone wants the bed. You can sleep with us, rat man. Right, right. You look like you smell. You'll fit in just fine. I do. I actually, this is actually real owlbear musks

that I can enter their caves and not be attacked. That seems strange to me. I just want to attack you. Yeah, no, it hasn't worked so far. Not really at all. Working on it. You're pretty. I know, that's true.

So I guess it's the three of us then, huh? Aye. Sounds quite exciting. Yeah. Look at us. The indomitable roommates. We should make our own secret society. Do you sleep with the music here on?

You know, I do have a nice meditation track. So if you're into that kind of guided sleep meditation, it's quite nice at night. Meditation. As the afternoon draws on, you guys have arranged your spaces for the evening. The sun sets and you're all

called down to the communal dinner within the Darrington Estate. It was once a dining hall that could comfortably sit and feed maybe eight people. Now is feeding 17, yourselves included. As you gather in the main area, there's a few of the transients that have been staying there for a bit, two other adventurers that just didn't have coin for an inn and had no interest in joining the brigade, as well as the rest of you, Lionel, Lawrence, and, of course, Terry himself. Maria, your mother, comes in with all sorts of manner of food and, like, cooked hams and rice

and enough to try and feed a large group on a decent budget. Goes ahead and places him out on the table and looks at everyone. I hope you enjoy your stay here. Take care of him. Make sure he stays safe. Wait, this is your mom? Yes, yes. Oh, shit.

Hey, what's up, Mrs. Darian? Shit. Sorry about my language way. I'm a little bit of a mess, but thank you so much for letting us in your home. Of course, no. My home is your home. She's a cheeky one.

She is, she is. Thank you for the meal, Mother. Your support is eternally respected. Please have a seat, dig in. This food is as much as you, Mr. Terry. Your support is eternally respected. Please have a seat. Dig in. This food is as much as you'd like. Mr. Ogre. Buddy has already eaten one-third of the food.

Okay, great. Yeah, you know, just before we get started, since everybody still kind of looks the worst for wear, I'm going to cast Mass Healing Word and just get everybody nice and worst for wear. I'm going to cast Mass Healing Word and just get everybody nice and pretty for dinner. Very nice. All right.

Thank you. Would anyone like to say a blessing for our meal before we dig in? No religious people here? I've got a nice concerto I can play. Well. Justice is my religion. Oh. Ten points of healing.

As you all begin to enjoy your meal, the open window that looks over the now star-studded sky of Diastok on the far end of the food chamber is alight with a green glow for but a moment as a beautiful shooting star crosses past the horizon, bright and beautiful. You all toast to it, drink from your meal, and hear a dull rumble in the distance.

Huh? We should make a wish. Excuse me. Uh, Chippewa. Did you fart? It's hard to tell. We usually refer to that as a preview. Oh, I get it.

The fart's the preview for the shit. Yeah. I get it. That's a good joke. Oh, boy. Sorry, Mrs. Darrington. It's all right. Trust me.

We get all kinds in here with all forms of senses of humor. It's just crass, you know, humor. It's fine. As you all enjoy the rest of your meal,

get to know each other a little bit, eventually finding yourselves ready to bed down from a day of strenuous activity, beating the shit out of each other, you go to your respective rooms, lay down, and sleep well. The morning comes, a bit groggy, but a whole new day for possible adventure.

As you all begin to gather downstairs, a loud comes at the front door of the estate. Should I get it? Doty! Doty, go get the door! I'm still brushing my hair! I hide. Doty heads downstairs and opens the door, I'm still brushing my hair! I hide.

Doty heads down, opens the door. I hide. Stealth 31. Okay. I don't remember buying this shag carpet. It's a stuffed owlbear. It's the most ridiculous adventuring party. Yeah.

Eventually, there's a moment of, like, brief talking from the other side of the door before you watch Dodie lean back. Terry! All right. I run downstairs, just finishing the last 39, 40. All right, who's at the door? You come to the front door,

and you see standing there on the stoop itself an old gnome woman in finely crafted travel outfit of leather and fine silk. Kind of a blue-green color scheme. Her face is intense, though she has a smile that keeps it from coming too stern. She looks up to you. Sorry to bother you. This is indeed the headquarters of the famed Arrington Brigade, yes?

Yes, but auditions were yesterday and we are full now, I'm afraid. Oh, I am not interested in joining your strange band. I am more interested in perhaps using your company for a bit of work. Oh, a client. Oh, please come in. Doty, get some tea. Coffee? Tea? What would you like? Tea? Tea would be fine. Doty, go get some tea. Go? Tea? What would you like? Tea? Tea would be fine. Dodie, go get some tea. Go. He brushes off.

So, and you are... Terry and Gary Darrington of the Darrington Brigade. It is a pleasure to meet you. Yes, lovely to meet you. What can we do for you? Well, last night, it has come to my attention that a strange object...

You know what? I'm going to stop you right there. Brigade! Brigade! Mount up! No, form up! Form up! Form up, brigade! We need you in here! One by one, you all gather down in the foyer area of the estate. There, revealing a freshly brushed Tarion Darrington and this older gnome woman whose arms are

crossed and kind of, not impatiently, but expectantly waiting for your arrival. I hand my hairbrush to Hazel. This is a client brigade. We get clients like these all the time in the brigade, so it's pretty normal.

But anyway, go on. What's your job? Well, my name is Master Doolon Tversky, and it's come to my attention this last evening. A strange object fell from the sky, crashing somewhere within the Siren Green forest to the south of here. I would like to hire you to retrieve whatever fell and bring it back to me. You have no idea what this object is? Could it be some sort of celestial body? Was it a meteor?

It might be. Perhaps it was a creature, and if it is, subdue it a meteor? It might be. Perhaps it was a creature, and if it is, subdue it and bring it back to me. If it is an object, gather it and bring it back to me. I care not the process. Just bring it. Where did it fall? To the south of here, in the Siren Green.

Oh, um, well, that seems... that seems extremely treacherous and probably very expensive. Yeah, you said this fell in the Siren Green Forest. Is that what you just said? That is exactly what I said. Shit. Does that mean anything to you? No, I've never been there before. It's the forest directly south of Dias Dock.

Sure, sure. What, uh, pardon me while I confer with my fellows. What do I charge for this? I have no idea. I have no idea. You're my manager? Well, you should always put yourself higher because we can always negotiate.

Ten gold. No, no, no, wait. And you should always confer with your manager first. Oh, sorry. Um, let's see. All right, there's, uh, there's, like, seven, wait. No, no, come here, come here. And you should always confer with your manager first. Oh, sorry. Let's see. All right. There's seven of us. Let's round up.

Let's do 10,000 gold. 10,000 gold. You drive a hard bargain, but I accept your proposal. What? Per hour! The older gnome woman, this master Tversky's head, turns slowly towards you, Macaroni.

The eye is suddenly flashing with some strange temporary energy. What? Ten thousand no more. That sounds quite acceptable. Yeah, but if... Hold on a minute, because I'm pretty good at making deals here.

If we bring back said object, is there an additional payment? You know what I mean? Like, when I do deals, it's like, X amount of money for a body, whatever, this thing, that thing. A body? But just, like, what is the thing?

Because you said there's, like, some objects in there. If we pick them up, bring it all back together. Is it, like, if it's complete, we can get extra money if we find the pieces? What's the deal? Make a persuasion check. Yeah! And I will give her a Bardiac Inspiration.

Ooh. Oh, yeah. And I will reach out to her and give her guidance. Whoa. Ooh, no. What do I? D4. D4 plus what's do I? D4. D4 plus what's your D?

D10. So you add a D4 and a D10. Roll a 10, Marisha. Shit, I don't have a 10, I don't have a 10. There you go. Ah! Yeah, we're gonna get a nine. Why do you not have a 10?

I have a six. Oh, six, there we go. Oh, oh boy, 13. With all that? Wait, what? Maybe you don't haggle anymore. The job was to retrieve the object and bring it back. I understand.

I think I'm thinking like a different kind of line of work. It's fine. It's all right. Yeah, this is just an object. Retrieval. I'm sorry for... Object, creature, I'm uncertain. Whatever it was that fell, please bring it back to me.

Any other details you can tell us, Madam Tversky? Unfortunately, no. This is a relatively recent occurrence, and, you know, adventurers have their purpose, which is generally to be the first on this scene. Well, you've come to the right place. Thank you very much for your patronage. And where will we meet you? Here?

When you've returned with the bounty, you can find me within the Rose Nestle Inn here in Deerstock. Fine establishment. Of course. Before I leave, could you please sign my copy of your book? Oh.

Okay, if you don't mind. Oh, well. Would you like me to make it out to you? No, just a signature is fine. You're not going to resell this, are you, on eBay or something? No, no, no. All right. Terry and Darrington, XXOO, kiss symbol, heart, more Xs, more Os.

There you are. Thank you kindly. All right, well, good luck to all of you. I look forward to your return. Goodbye. She turns around and starts exiting out across the drying lawn, out to the main gates. Bye, pretty lady.

Mr. Darrington. Oh, yes, we have a job. I mean, we have a job like always Might I suggest in the future Anything you sign you check for invisible ink You never know what it is you're signing Oh Oh

At this point I said that very quickly when we were conferring But you didn't hear it Oh That's true, you could have just signed something I said that very quickly when we were conferring, but you didn't hear it. Ooh. That's true. You could have just signed something. You could have just, like, signed your life away.

She's not wrong. You could have. Oh. That's a thing that happens. At this point, Lionel's hand claps on your shoulder. It's like, did I miss something, boss? Oh, hi, Lionel. We're going on an adventure.

Oh, great. We've been hired to go retrieve an object that fell from the sky. That sounds great. Are you feeling up to coming with us? Yeah, we had a night of bad dreams, but I could probably use a night out, a day out. What were your dreams? A time out.

Dreams of? Man, it was just a lot of water, and I just couldn't get out of it. It was weird. Were you swimming in it, or? At times, diving. And then coming back to the surface? I couldn't, though. The surface kept going away. Do you dream dreaming duck?

You know, like this. Do you? No, I don't speak it. I don't know it. I mean, I've heard ducks quacking and whatever, but I don't know how to speak it. It's amazing the things they talk about when you're not watching. I bet you are correct, sir.

I'll teach you sometime. Yeah, I'll take you up on that. All right, we're on the road. Yeah, okay. Well, we have a bona fide adventure on our hands. Brigade, gather your things, because we are skipping breakfast and moving straight to the action. I don't know about skipping breakfast,

but he gets super fucking hungry. Come on, Mac! We're going to have adventure for brunch instead. To adventure! Everything is a one-liner, it's amazing! He might not be a good fighter, but I like everything else about him. We'll see, duck boy. We'll see. Yeah.

Let's mount up and leave. Do we have any horses in the stable? Terry? Lionel, do we have any horses in this table? No, unfortunately, the last brigade member was given to them when they were dismissed. They took their leave of absence. Yes, at our request. To go on vacation. Inside check!

Mighty. Marty like you need me to do this but sure hey guys as a special thank you to the people way up there with the person second balcony row Y111 check under his or her seat because there's a little prize from me to you up there.

Is it a blue shit? Spoilers. All right, so as you gather your things, you rush off breakfast-less southward. I take a coffee to go. That can be arranged. You make your way south of the city of Diastok, eventually coming upon the beautiful,

if somewhat ominous, tree line of the Siren Green Forest, one of the larger forests within the Empire. As you enter, at first it's green and lush and a soft floor beneath a beautiful canopy this time of year. A few more miles in and it gets darker and darker.

The branches growing thicker and more intertwined, the shadows growing deeper and the sounds of wildlife getting more and more prominent. Who's leading this brigade, by the way? Probably me. I would like you to make a survival check, please.

No problem. Oh, no. Survival. That's a 16. 16? I know these woods. You did. You grew up around here. You guys continue to follow Tarion's lead,

passing by a few bumpier regions, but you happen to know a few shortcuts to manage to avoid a couple of dangerous spots here in the Saturn Green. Lionel complains of a stomach ache and that his duck sense is flapping wildly. But you manage to steer clear of any imminent danger. Eventually, as the day turns into night, and right as you begin to discuss a time to camp,

you come upon a sight that you weren't expecting, a very strange phenomenon, trees begin to lose their leaves, where the trunks begin to lean in your direction. The forest, as opposed to this deep, lush, green area, is becoming a flattened landscape of blackened bark and ash. You see an entire region of rocky ground of just flattened trees in a circular pattern. And in the center, what looks to be a crater of some kind. Doty, take this down. As we approached the phenomenon.

As we approached the phenomenon. Okay, well, that's new. Doty turns over and glares at Hazel. Oh my god. The new recruits looked to their fearless leader for guidance. The new recruits looked to their fearless leader for guidance. The new recruits looked to their fearless leader for guidance. One in particular hung on every word of Terry and Darrington. We can rewrite this, but one in particular...

And they knew that no matter what was about to happen, they would be protected by his bravery, his power, and his machismo. It's an incredible honor to be traveling alongside you. Terry. Terry. Maybe we should fan out and move in on the center of the crater from multiple angles? Yeah, sure.

Is any of you... Oh, Owlbear Man, are you able to check for traps and things? I'm currently at the stealth level of 18. Where are you? I'm right behind you. Oh, shit!

Thank you for those amazing unnecessary hiding. Do you think you could scan the area for any traps or magical things? Maybe. Hold on. Let me think about this. I've never actually done this before. Nothing like this, anyway.

Are there any animals nearby? Can I see any wildlife? Make a perception check. 18. 18. Yes, actually. Down by the crater's edge, you can see a few shapes that appear to be either grazing or animals that may have wandered into the space.

Are we trying to be stealthy about this? I think so. I think that's fair to say, yes. There's nothing to hide in on the way in, is there? I mean, aside from the pine-like trees that are all turned at an immediate horizontal angle and the branches that have been completely culled of leaves. It's like a loose tangle that you could try, but it's not going to be easy.

No, and I don't really know how to... I could try and check for traps. I'm not sure how that works, but... Well, then don't do it. All right, I'm going to stealth in. I'm going to start stealthing in one tree at a time. So we just watch him as he crouches, totally visible to the entire... Sometimes I'm going to start stealthing in one tree at a time. So we just watch him as he crouches, totally visible to the entire team?

Sometimes I'm going to climb a couple trees, too, just to get vantage points. Okay, the highest you can get on any of these flattened trees is about three feet. That'll do. All right. On your perch. Up top. Signaling you guys to continue. Your standing positions give you a better perspective

than the owlbear. Hoo, hoo! No! No! Oh, boy. I think he's telling us to move ahead. Yes. On we forge.

All right. You guys continue. Are you going forward stealthily or not? Stealthily. I would like everybody to roll a stealth check, please. Oh my god. Okay. Natural one.

Did you really? Okay, okay, okay, okay. That's good. Oh yeah. The party's one rogue. Feroin, what'd you get? Ten. Okay. Hazel? 14. All right, Terry? Eight for me and eight for

Dodie. Oh, that's not good. That's a natural three for a Lynel. 18. On my amazing chariot, riding on top of Buddy, I have a 23. I'm somehow making more noise than a one-man band. Shit.

Seven. Oh my god. As you quietly make your way through the flattened forest, the smell of smoke and dirt that has recently been charred is strong in the air. As you begin to get close to the edge of the crater, the animal shapes you see seem to notice you too far away to make out their details, but then they scatter a bit out of sight. You guys slowly make your way closer and closer to the edge of the crater.

Some rock formations, higher areas, giving this a bit of a shifting topography, but completely stripped of vegetation. Slowly, you come upon the exterior of this crater. You can see it delves down probably about 20 or so feet, probably about 30 feet across. And there it is before you. Is there anything inside the crater? Any objects?

You want to go up and inspect? I feel like I should lead from behind. Is there anything inside the crater? Any objects? Do you want to go up and inspect? I feel like I should lead from behind. Volunteers! I'll go. I can see everything. Oh, well, yeah. Yes, you can.

I have the keen owl sight of a bear, so I can help as well. You have the owl sight of a bear? Think about it. Is that what you just said? Think about it. I wrote down like six of these before the show. Alright, so we have owl bear,

buddy, anybody else? I'm wearing eyes of the Eagle. All righty. I have 30 feet of blindsight. That's true. Were you going to go up too, Damien? Yeah, I was thinking about it, but I mean, I don't want to go down there.

You're going up, Tarion? No, I'm fine to just sort of take in the sights from back here. Damien, if you're going in, though, would you like a little extra bravery or stamina as you go up there? Yeah, of course. Of course, all right. Take anything. Do you wear boots or carry a shield,

wear a hat, wear a cloak, or have any armor? You can't see my armor, can you? You're wearing armor? Yeah. All right, I will. It's my suit. Oh. It's a power suit. That's why I'm wearing it.

I will touch your power suit and imbue it, infuse it with protection against, I don't know, acid? All right. You have acid resistance. Would that be under this? Yeah. Thank you.

I feel exactly the same. But maybe that's something that kicks in later. Sure. You feel it in the moment. Yeah. Who all is going up? The owlbear? The three of them, I think.

Yeah. Technically, are you still riding on the back of Buddy? Back, stay low. What? What? I think he said stay low. Giant Ogre Hand reaches up and slowly pushes the apple down to the chair. Before they go, I will touch Buddy's head,

his hat, his flaps, and infuse it with, making it a helm of telepathy, so now he can detect thoughts. Hmm? Sure. Stop! Stop!

No! Stop! Ah! Is he having a Superman moment with all the voices at once? The critters! Is it going all directions, everyone around? No, you have to cast it. You just have access to that spell once. Like the cat with the bread on its head.

And before the owlbear takes off, I will give him a bardic inspiration. Cool. Yeah. Yeah, all right. How much is that? You get one D10 whenever you want to use it. All right. Keep that right there. You get one D10 whenever you want to use it. All right.

Keep that right there. I'll just stand here next to Terry, really, really close, so that his hair blows in the breeze that's coming from me. Is that coming from you? Oh, well, I just thought it made you look more powerful. Uh, yeah.

Cool preview. I want you by my side at all times. All right. All right. The three of you, technically four carrying Macaroni in tow, make your way a little further in, coming to the lip of the crater.

I'd like you all to make perception checks, please. Which? Perception. Perception. Cut. Nine! Nine. Cut. Nine! Nine. Nine!

Nine! Nine! Yeah, I'll use that d10. 16. 14. Okay. Looking within the crater, you do notice, first off, there is an impact place at the bottom, though whatever impacted here is either completely annihilated or is no longer here.

Both Owlbear and Damien notice that the impact zone here, based on the remnants of a handful of burnt feathers and the ash-like shadows that have been seared into some of the nearby rocks, the impact zone here was once a duck pond. It's fucking dark. Oh no, his dreams. It should have been a goose.

They have less to live for. You immediately glance back and notice that for most of this journey, Lionel's been clutching his stomach a bit and not like he's been feeling well. It's like his totem can sense the terror that has transpired in the night. The disturbance of the force. Yeah, the duck force. Oh no. I terror that has transpired in the night. The disturbance of the force. Yeah, the duck force.

Oh, no. I walk up to Lionel. I put my hand on his shoulder. The thing you're feeling right now in the pit of your stomach. Yeah. I need you to use it. No.

Harness it. We're going to find what did this. No. And you'll have your revenge. No. I want it so much. Yeah. Revenge for what?

Should I have waited? Was this way too early? I don't know. I thought we were. I didn't know. And he walks up to the edge of the crater and goes, what did you? No!

And just falls to his knees, screaming. That feeling, right there. Yeah. He stands up. Yeah. And he rages. You've noticed, for the first time since you've known him, this is not a happy rage. Oh.

I step back. Doty protect me. Doty pushes Hazel in front of you. Oh god. Oh, God. It is an honor, my captain. Pleasure to be chosen. Try the color spray. What did you discover?

Just dead things? Feathers? You, however, because of your high perception, the rest of them have kind of gathered a little bit. You've been looking a bit further. You see what looks to be a handful of glittering slivers at the bottom of this crater. And you also notice there is a track of something heavy that had been dragged out of it, heading in a southeast direction.

Southeast? Is it time to take a southeast direction. Southeast? Mm-hmm. Is it time to take a look at this, maybe? Yeah. I'm going to jump down. You land in the center. I hide. Roll a stealth check.

24. 24. You throw yourself against the edge of the crater, throw a bit of ash over the back of your shoulder, and you know what? Yeah, not bad. Oh my god. Are you doing anything else?

Not yet. See what happens. Time to do this. I'm going to slowly start making my way to the center of the crater. We all just stare. It's more in the middle, though. It's weirder.

You kind of walk in a long... That's okay. I walk over to Terry and Farrowin and Hazel. Yeah, so it looks like there's some shiny stuff down there, like shiny slivers of something. Big, big, small. Perspective is weird when you're standing up on a thing and looking down at it.

It could be big, it could be small. Intriguing. And there's some tracks where it looks like something was dragged. Oh, which direction? Southeast. Yeah, I... It's a compass.

Oh. That's really smart. Albear, bring some of those slivers back when you come out of the crater. Tell me, let me know what I see when I'm about 30 feet away. Well, you're in the crater. Yeah, I'm in the crater. Which is about 30 feet across.

Perfect. That's all I needed. So the minute you enter the crater and hide, you glance over your shoulder, and you can see three quarter- dime sized flakes of some sort of an opalescent rock. All right, slowly walk over.

I'm not going to touch them. I'm just going to use one of my knives to inspect it. Okay. For as dirty and ashy as the space is here, they are very smooth and very clear. As you kind of lift it up a little bit and inspect it, you can see there's like a very, very faint, soft light

that it just kind of generates. Very, very faint, but just enough in this kind of shaded space as the sun has been setting that you can very easily see that it's generating its own bit of light. I'm going to scoop it up, and I'm going to empty my tinder box.

I'm going to scoop them into my tinder box without touching them. Okay. Box them up, and I'm going to run up the side of the crater right back to everybody. Okay, make an acrobatics check. I have an easy climb. Oh, you do? Yeah, you're fine.

You're fine. Whoa. Thank you, Alvair. I'll open the box and look. You see the same shards that he found. They're beautiful and give this low light. You can tell the way they're broken as you've worked with gems and such

in creating objects and magical items. These appear to have flaked off something larger. Tarion opens the box to reveal a magical gem filled with splendor and wonder. I pick one up and look at it closer. He picks one up and he looks at it closer. It's very beautiful.

I don't know what this is, but it seems to have come from an object from the sky. Whatever we're dealing with might be extraplanetoid. Extraplanetary. Alien in nature. Oh, like it came down here from another planet. It could be, yes. Sounds dangerous.

Danger is not my middle name. Gary is. It's true, it's true. So if something came and crashed here, where did it go? Did it leave? We need to find tracks and trace it. Is anyone good at expecting tracks or anything like that?

Didn't you say there were some tracks? Yeah, I saw them, but I don't know, you know. A strange rumbling noise comes from the distance. What is that? What is that? What's going on? You turn, at this moment you're having this conversation, you begin to hear this growling sound, this snarling. Did you bring your rescue dogs? You look up ahead,

and as the last bit of the setting sun vanishes behind the mountains and the forest edges, you can see some of those animal creatures that you previously had scared off seem to have returned. Only a much closer sight, much bigger than you anticipated.

Woven in body, but swollen in shape. Oh. Maybe eight to ten feet from foot to shoulder. Oh. Red burning eyes, bony spurs coming out of it. It's a dire wolf. And you're like, oh, dire wolves, these aren't too bad.

No. One of them goes forward, goes like. And you see like a faint bit of that glow, that glow that the shards had, kind of embedded in its head, like under an eye. And as it kind of snarls, its head splits open. And a weird little tendril like... Ugh! Stay back, Terion exclaimed.

I will smite you where you stand, he bolstered. Yes, this is great stuff. As you all begin to circle back to back at the approaching creatures, they prepare themselves to lunge and assault your traveling band. Right as they leap, we're going to take a break. Oh! All righty, friends and folks, this very curious adventure is definitely kicking off. We'll be back here in a little bit after taking a short break, restroom break.

Any other break you want to take in the meantime, go ahead and enjoy yourselves. We're going to do the same, and we'll see you here shortly. Oh, hey there laura bailey here to tell you all about the glorious goods we create inspired by our stories our stores are filled with the basics like character inspired t-shirts dice sets and pins as well as more specialty items like fancy jackets puzzles featuring gorgeous artwork the comfiest joggers and pajamas ever, and much, much more. There's also a few special items that support charity efforts, like our dedicated Critical

Role Foundation merch. You can check out all of our regional online stores by visiting the Shop tab on critrole.com or head straight to the U.S. store at shop.critrole.com. Every purchase helps support our shows and the stories we tell. Speaking of which, let's get back to the story. Hello, everyone, and welcome back. Glad you enjoyed your break. I'm pretty sure we enjoyed ours.

Our brief stops to the restroom. But without further ado, let's jump back into the story which we left off with snarling beasts that seem to be awkwardly changed by the nature of whatever befell this part of the Siren Green. As you rounded up, they leapt.

I'll be right back with the battle map. Oh! Oh! One second. Ready? One second. No, no, no, no. Oh god!

Oh god! Hey, it was back a little weird. Sports! Oh, that's so cool, Matt! Tunguska. It's a little weird. Sports. Oh, that's so cool, Matt. Tunguska. Very much the inspiration for this. Oh, wow.

Oh, Matt. Is that like coffee grinds all over it or something? It's black ballast material. You can get it in all sorts of hobby shops. Wow. All right, so. Can you snort it? You can. But you can snort it? You can. But you can snort a lot of things.

Bites, you can do it. Bites, you can do it. All right, so do you guys have a preference of where you're laid out before I place the creatures? I just want to be on body. You got it. Oh, that's so cute. There we go. Oh, my God.

I was standing next to Tarion, wherever he is. Tarion, where are you? I'll probably be up a little on that higher ledge. There you go. A little perspective. All right, Dodie, next to you. Please, yes. And yes, yes. And I'll be on the other side of Dodie, next to you. Oh, please, yes. And, uh, yes, yes.

And I'll be on the other side of Dodie. Ah! I had just gotten out of the pit. So you'd be probably over here. Like right next to them, yeah. All right. Fairwin? I was actually standing next to Tarion.

Oh man, we're all clumped. That's perfect for dying. That's gonna be great. Those minis are gorgeous. I turned around to tell him what was going on, so I think I'm kind of next to the elbow. At the edge there? Yep. Alrighty, and then I'm gonna say that Lionel's been dragging a bit behind since his

duck senses have been flapping so hard. I need you all to roll initiative. Yes! Bad! Terrible. Bad, bad, bad. Terrible. Ow!

All righty, let me go ahead and roll for these guys here. Oh, yeah, okay. 25 to 20. Shit. 20 to 15. 15. All right. Oh boy. Oh boy, those are your initials, Applebear.

15 to 10. 14! All right. Wow! I rolled a 10, I rolled a 10. 10 for Damien. I'm still in that group. 10 to five. Seven. Seven.

Okay. I'm as fast as a monk. Five to one. Oh, I'm sorry, seven. monk. Five to one. Oh, I'm sorry, seven. Seven for me and Dodie. Okay. So Buddy, Errol, and Terry at seven, right? All right.

Four. All righty. Holding up the rear, we have Hazel. I don't know why I started sounding like a strip club teacher there for a second. All right, that's Hazel! Welcome to the stage! Now on stage three, now on stage three! Can't make enough gold out there in the adventuring club. Anyway, first up are the creatures. First up, yeah. Rolled really high.

Oh shit. First up, yeah. Rolled really high. Oh shit. Less, less. I said less. Less is more, Matthew. They're really big. All right, so as they shift over, it is rough terrain, so all movement through here is halved. Great.

25. That puts them into contact with you, Owlbear. Two of them. Damn it. Up against you, Owlbear. How can they see you? It's okay. Oh, God.

Oh, God. See, when we saw these things from far away, they looked Oh, God. See, when we saw these things from far away, they look so much smaller. It's weird, you know, like I was saying about perspective. You get up close, and it's... It's funny how it works out that way. Very big. All righty.

So, two of them are attacking you, Owlbear. Right. And that has pack tactics, so they have advantage on their rolls because there are two of them against you. That brings it to a 15 to hit. Does not hit. You duck out of the way of its bite.

The other one with advantage. That's going to be a 26 to hit. That hits. Take a bite out of crime. Oh my god! Did you just McGruff? That is 14 points of piercing damage, and I need you to go ahead

and make a strength saving throw for me, please. I do not get any of my special strength stuff yet, do I? Nope, because you're not raging yet. Nope. Strength saving throw? Yep. 19. 19. Okay. It tries to grab your leg, and it's biting into it.

You can feel the pain, and you manage to wrestle it out of its jaws before it drags you to the ground. Attacking you, buddy. That is going to be a 15 to hit. No. 15. You just kick its head out of the way. No issue. And then attacking you, Farowin.

That is going to be another 26 to hit. Farowin, you just got hit by a monster. Oh, yeah, that hits. We were monk chatting. They got 19 points of piercing damage. And I need you to make a strength saving throw. Yeah, that's what I was commenting on is how weak I am, so that's unfortunate that it strength saves.

Well, you know. You can't be it strength saves. Well, you know. You can't be good at everything. Well, you know. Natural 20. Oh! Pew, pew, pew, pew! Pew, pew, pew, pew! No worries.

It goes to bite towards you, and you actually grab the edge of its snout and just push it away. That brings us to Owlbear. At the top of your turn, as these creatures are snarling around you, the one that's face had split, its jaw still hangs

up with that one tendril kind of whipping out. You look to the other one and you see where its eyes are burning towards you. Two more eyes kind of pop out at odd angles in the head. I need you to go ahead and make a wisdom saving throw. Nope. Nope.

Nope. Nope. Seven. You are frightened until the end of this creature's next turn. Okay, which one? That would be, well, I guess roll for this one now, too. Oh, no. So roll again.

That would be this one. Wisdom saving throw? Yep, now you're rolling for this one. Ah, that's better, 16. 16, okay. So this is the one that you're frightened of. Okay. Well. 16, okay. So this is the one that you're frightened of. Okay. Well,

I would like to rage. Yes! Holy shit. You fucker. It's actually really uncomfortable there. It's so intimidating. This is the most intimidating felt I could find. Okay, I am going to make a... I definitely do not have advantage on either of these two,

so I will make a reckless attack on the one on the ground I suppose okay go for it you have disadvantage on these attacks because you're frightened but you have advantage oh no you're just in a frightened status in the frightened state which means you have disadvantage

on attacks while that creature is in your line of sight but you took reckless which means it's just a regular attack roll. Yeah, does raging do anything to fear? Not your base of rage. Alright. I'll take my regular attacks then. Let's take two attacks.

Come on. Oh, yeah! That's uh... That's uh... 22 and 27. Okay, both hit. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Where's my C? I'm hitting these with my claws. I want you to talk in your character voice the whole time. First attack has sneak attack damage. No sneak attack, because it is not in melee with another ally of yours, and you do not have an advantage on that attack. Oh, man.

Sorry, buddy. It's fine. I'll take it. That's my name! Sorry, buddy. Five, 13, 15, 16, 17, 17 points of damage. Nice. Macaroni, you're on deck. And I use my bonus action to raise, rage, and... I, yeah, I can't, I can't...

I just heard that. Yeah, I can't really move without getting two more attacks on me, can I? Nope. Alright, I'll hold. That finishes your go. Macaroni, you're up with Damien on deck. This is stupid.

I know. We all told you. Would you prefer Mr. Samsonite? Macaroni's good. We all told you. Would you prefer Mr. Samsonite? Yeah. Macaroni's good. Only if you're nasty. I see all of these things coming out of the forest, and I'm like, ah, buddy, we gotta be able to move. And I will cast Freedom of Movement on Buddy.

All righty. And with my bonus action, I will cast Sacred Flame at one of the little wolf people. Sacred Flame is a bonus action? Yeah, I have it as a cantrip. A cantrip, but is it

an action or a bonus action? Oh, it's an action. Oh, fuck. Sorry. With my bonus action, I'm like, move, bitch! It's an action. Oh, fuck. Sorry. I could take a heel. With my bonus action, I'm like, move, bitch! There you go. And you're staying put on top of Buddy?

Yes, still on top. You got it. All right, finishing macaroni. It is now Damien's turn with Tarion, Dodie, Farwin, and Buddy on deck. All right, so I'm going to touch my lapel, and I'm going to activate a Hill Rune. Which actually, at the top of your turn... No, because you're not right next to one.

Never mind. Go continue. I'm going to activate a Hill Rune, which is a bonus action where I gain resistance to bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing. Nice. And then I'm going to go ahead and attack this one in front of me. Right here? Yeah. Alright. Let's give

him a go. Move in next to Owlbear to strike. Come on. Okay. It was cocked. I didn't reroll. We've got to get you a new d20. Well, I just love it, though. I know, but it's so bad. But it is designed to be a cock roll like 40% of the time. I didn't reroll. We gotta get you a new d20. Well, I just, I love it, though. I know, it's really pretty. Yeah, but it's so bad. But it is, like, designed to be a cocked roll, like, 40% of the time.

I know, but, like, all the other percent of the time, sometimes, like, 20% of the time, it rolls well. Fair enough. Fair enough. That'll be a 19 to hit for the first hit. Hits. Okay, so... That would be ten for the first hit. Ten points of damage for the first strike. Alrighty. Hold on, I feel like I'm forgetting

something. Alright, I'm going to roll again. Second attack. Sixteen. Sixteen hits. Okay. Let going to roll again. Second attack. 16. 16 hits. Okay, let's do this again. Seven for the second hit. Seven points of damage on the second hit. You rush forward, and with your blades out,

both stilettos sink one into the side of its chest and then stab the other underneath where its ribcage is. And as you pull both out, you can see the blood gush from each wound, and then in each from each wound, and then in each puncture wound, a small weird fleshy finger goes... Oh! ...and plugs it.

What the fuck? That's gross! Second hit, I rolled the wrong thing. Oh, the wrong die? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ten is for the second hit. Gotcha, so it's ten instead of seven. Got it. Cool. That finish your turn? Yes. All righty.

Tarion, Dodi, Farwen, and Buddy, you guys choose who goes first. I'll say, based on the dexterity, so I'll say probably Farwen. All right. Oh shit. Okay, I'm going to, what was that? That was the tiniest celebration.

Yay, high decks. All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right. I am going to do some monk shit. Yeah! Do it. And I'm going to leap off of the ledge where I'm standing. Leap off of the ledge. Right off this way, you mean?

Yeah, but I'm gonna jump over. No, Hazel! I'm gonna... Dodie rejoices. I'm gonna partially land on Buddy and then kick off of him and try to take a flying leap down while I'm swinging my dual glaive

that I got from Tarion and slash down at the, uh, yeah, that guy right there. Landing over on this side? Mm-hmm. Alrighty, go make an acrobatics check for me. Oh, monk shit comes with a cost. Cool monk shit like that. You're good, you're good, you're good! 17.

Yeah, that's high enough. Alright, take. So you leap, push past Hazel, jump in the air, grab on temporarily to the top of Buddy's. Oh, we have a follow-up celebration! I succeeded! Leap off that and then land right on top of one of the fallen trees right next to this wolf.

Ooh! That definitely succeeds. It does. All right, I'm going to use it. By the way, as part of this leap, as you're rushing away from that wolf, it does an attack of opportunity on you. Oh, I was right next to one? Yeah, it attacked you last round. Oh, I didn't realize. Well, now you do, because it hits you with a 24.

Yeah. For 14 points of piercing damage. That guy's a piece of shit. I don't like him. Cutting words! Whoa! Make another strength shift. Cutting words! Cutting words, I'm doing it for Farrow and...

Okay, go ahead and roll a, roll your d10. What is that? Oh Quoting words. Quoting words. I'm doing it for Farrow. Okay, go ahead and roll your d10. What is that? Oh, cutting words. I couldn't understand what you were saying. Your accent was weird. I've never done a bird. Oh, six. So that brings it to 18.

What's your armor class? 18. Oh, it still hits you. Make a string saving throw for me, please. Okay. And DM, which is the one that bit her, the one that's furthest from you? Yes. Fuck.

When she ran from it? Okay. Fuck me. Seven. Seven. So that cool moment in your head where you're like, oh, this is gonna be so rad, and I leap off and do this, you go and make that first step,

and it totally knocks you to the ground. Ah. And kills it. It kills its own bit there. It's fine. I should probably put other things there. It's okay. Alright. Cool, cool, cool, cool. So you can keep going.

Actually, yeah, because it doesn't have sentinel. Whatever. I'm so used to two people sent on my party. Jesus Christ. So you take... Oh, no. Do not get knocked prone, because it's a trip. Never mind. That's what I was trying to do. He got to do that as a reaction. He could do the whole thing as a reaction. His reaction is his bite attack, which has an ability to trip.

So it trips you on the ground. All right, cool, cool, cool. You can use your movement to get back up if you want. Does it cancel the attack I just did, or would it? The attack you just did would probably go to him, I'd say. Okay, so did it land then against him, or do I need to re-roll? I rolled 19 plus 10. Yeah, that would hit.

All right. Then in my head, I was spinning my dual glaive that I got from Terry, but I ended up hitting this thing that knocked me down instead. Are you using half your movement to get up before the attack? Are you using half your movement to get up before the attack? Yes, I am, after I hit him. Okay, let's disadvantage

on the first attack, then. Because I'm on the ground? Because you're on the ground, unless you want to get up first. I'll get up first, then! That's what I was asking. Just getting some clarity here. Stringers! Muckshed! Muckshed!

So that's 13. Oh, wait, I'm going to use my ki point, and I'm going to fucking Stunning Strike him. Sure. Stunning Strike on that? Yeah, so it's 13 points of damage, and then I'm going for a Stunning Strike. Got it. 16? This is what he needed.

Yeah, so he succeeds in resistance, unfortunately. That's fine. Got your next attack, though. My next attack, I'm gonna hit him again with my dual glaive as well. Go for it. All right, cool. Spinning the arrow, 18. 18 hits.

Yeah! All right. All right, that is 11 points of damage. Nice. And then Flurry of Blows. Go for it. Two more strikes. With your unarmed attack.

18. 18 hits. And the other one doesn't hit. I'm assuming for 12. 12 does not hit. All right. Ooh, that's good. 10 additional points. 10 additional points, nice. Ten additional points.

Ten additional points, nice. All righty. That finishes your turn. That's all I got? That's a lot. That brings us to... Your dexterity is 11. Buddy, what's your dexterity?

Sparky. Okay, Buddy goes first. At the first, though, Buddy, I need you to go ahead and make a wisdom saving throw for me. For what? The frightening appearance of this creature. Natural 20. All right.

You've seen this plenty of times. You're fine. So what are you doing on your turn? Well, he just got freedom of movement cast on him, and he's already a good jumper. So he goes, and he starts hopping up and down and bounces around to the backside of this thing. On this side?

Uh, no, between, the wolf between him and the hole. First time look. So like over here? Yeah. Over here? Nope, split the diff. Split the diff? Split the diff? Nope. There we go.

Gotcha. Yeah. And he's going to shove the monster in the hole. Yeah! Okay. You're pretty. Everybody's pretty. Everyone's seeing everything for the first time. It makes sense.

Sparta! This is Darington! All righty, double-checking the shove action. All right. Special melee attack. Yeah. So yeah, go ahead and Special melee attack. Yeah. So yeah, go ahead and roll an attack. Oh, no, instead of making an attack, why don't you make a strength athletics check?

Athletics? Yes. 19. Oof. Nine. Nine. As you run around and then slam the side of this weird mutated wolf, it and then tumbles off of this weird, mutated wolf,

it... and then tumbles off down into the crater, prone. That's it. Okay. Nice job, buddy! All right, finishing your turn, that brings us to Tarion and Doty. I will say, Doty, make me proud, and command him on my bonus action

to go attack that wolf down a step from him. Okay. He swings. That's a good roll attack for him. Oh, yeah, 19 plus, like, 19 plus four. 23. 23 definitely hits. Okay, 1d8 plus 2.

So that's 4 points of damage, but I am going to add an arcane jolt to his attack, adding 4d6 damage. Nice. 4d6 force damage. Okay. 15 more points of damage, so that's 19 points total. Then for my movement, I will hop on the broom and fly down to the owlbear.

That broom is really amazing. Yes. We should get one. It's fantastic. Yeah. And I will cast heroism on the owlbear. He needs it. You gain four extra hit points, no big deal,

but you're immune to fear. Ooh! Is that concentration? It is concentration. All right, good to know. Okay. Do I fall to my death? No.

Okay, good. You're fine, you're fine. Does that finish your turn, then? Actually, you get four extra hit points at the start of each of your turns. Oh, so he just keeps healing. Yes. Nice.

That's amazing. That's my turn. All right, finishing their go. That brings us to Lionel. Lionel is going to go ahead and leap up half of his movement to get up to this side, push through, and go ahead and join next to Farawin against this other beast on the tall part of the platform, pulling his greatsword out, going, Stay away from my new friends!

That's going to be a... now that hits. Second attack also hits. Yeah! Good. Oh, he probably would have raged beforehand, so I can do that in the DM. And he rolled double ones in the attack, which is not great, but that's okay. That's still a decent amount. Second attack. That's better. I have five and a six on that.

Oof, that guy's looking real rough already. That's going to finish Lionel's turn. That brings us to Hazel. All right. Everyone sees me slap in another wax cylinder into my belt. I adjust my

audiophone. The Darrington Brigade with great resolve leap into combat. With great force, the owlbear flashes in a brilliant display of might and fury, and I cast pyrotechnics on the owlbear. Who's that accent?

You know. Pyrotechnics. It's getting the job done. I don't know what you're doing yet. The year was 1943. The place was Tal'Dorei. All righty. So you're... Are you creating smoke or fireworks?

I am creating fireworks. All righty. What's your spell, DC? 17. 17, all right. Within 10 feet, it's 10 feet. All creatures, exactly. So I need Dodie and Damien to make

constitution saving throws. It's okay, it's okay. That's a fail on that wolf. A fail on both wolves. They are both blinded on that side. Nice. I will, wait, who's making saving throws? You. Oh, shit.

Well, then as my reaction, I will... I don't know if I can do this. I will flash my genius at myself. Sure. I will take a glimpse at my... I'm not even going to check the rules. You're Terry and Darrington. I'll let you do it. I'm going to check the shine of my armor, and I can see a reflection of my face,

and it inspires me and gives me an extra four points. This is a what kind of save? Constitution. Okay, that's a 20 then. You're good. You're good. Natural 20. Yay! And with great fury, the owlbear bursts force

as sparks fly from his wings as he looks towards the dire wolves in incredible anger. An incredible banger. All right, it's now the beginning of their turn again. Oh, no. The two that are blinded. Man. Yeah. Well, the one that's down here is going to go ahead and use half its movement to get up.

It's going to use the rest of its movement to get back up here, and that's all it can do, so it's locked into you, buddy. Those two are going to stay put, because they're blinded and kind of shaking their head and snapping at whatever sounds there. One's going to be attacking you, Damien. One's attacking you, Owlbear. And the one up top there is going to go ahead and circle around on top. It's going to attack Lionel. Whoa. So the one, two attacking you. All right, so Owlbear? Yeah.

That is going to be a 15. Nope. All right, attacking you, Damien, it's going to be a 13. Nope. Frickin' blind. Yeah. Attacking you, buddy.

That's going to be a 24 to hit. Yeah. You suffer 15 points of piercing damage, and make a strength saving throw for me, please. Okay. 19. It bites your foot and tries to drag you, but you're just too heavy and too big, and it more just tickles and annoys you. Then attacking Lionel up there. That hits.

16 points of damage to Lionel. There we go. Remember, Owlbear, I've given you heroism. You're not just some renegade anymore. You're a superhero. Oh, Super Owlbear. And Lionel is not prone. Lionel's not prone? He's like, whoa, that's bad. That's really bad. Lionel's knocked prone?

He's like, whoa, that's bad. That's really bad. Oh, no. Boss. Boss. All right, that ends that go. Top of the combat round now is Owlbear. You heal four points.

Heal four points. And you are no longer afraid. No longer afraid. Do I have advantage on either of these two? You don't have advantage unless you want to attack recklessly, but you are currently in melee, or Damien's in melee with this one who's blinded.

Actually, you do have advantage on both of them regardless, because they're blinded, so yes, you do. Well, the one that's taking the most damage, I'll attack first. Okay, that would be this one, right? Natural 20. Oh! Let's go!

The Swan Song of the Rogues first strike. So it's just double dice, right? Mm-hmm. Plus sneak attack? Plus sneak attack, Which is also doubled. Yep. Is there a brutal critical in there? It's not high enough level barbarian yet.

17 times 2. 17. 34. 27. 30. 17 times 2 is 34. Plus 3 for 34. 5 for 6.

7 for 8. 9. 40. 40 points of damage. Ooh. As I just stab right into the hedge. The claw. It has the four eyes that emerge from its body,

and you just angrily slam the claws into each one of them. All the eyes blink out, and it screeches before it falls and slumps over into the pit, dead. Yeah! I turn to the other one. And I attack. All right, so your bonus action offhand. No, I've got two attacks per attack.

And you have bonus action. That's a 26 to hit. That hits. It's not going to do nearly as much damage, but still good. Still good. That's 10 points of damage. 10 points of damage already. And then I'm going to disengage with...

Well, this one's blind, right? It is blind. I'm just going to run over to the one that just knocked Lionel down. I've got 20 feet of movement. Can I make that? 20? You can get right up to there. Alright, and then for my bonus action, I'll throw a dagger at him.

Actually, you won't be able to get that far, but you can still throw a dagger at him. In that case, on my way out, I'm going to hit that dude one more time on the way out then. Okay, go for it. Yeah. Like 23 to hit. That hits. Good roll damage.

Four, five, six, seven, eight. Ten points of damage. Ten points of damage. Oh, he's looking hurt. Don't ask. The bell tolls. Macaroni, it's your turn. Your death's gonna be grisly. That's good. Wow. Wow. It's your turn. Your death's going to be grisly. I only have so many puns.

Don't be stealing them. That's hot. I look down and I'll see all the wolves and I will cast Bane at third level. All right. On the three remaining doggies. All right. They have to remaining doggies. All right.

Macaroni means family. They have to roll a charisma saving throw. They get saving throws, right? Yep. I love Bane. Wisdom, you said? Charisma. Charisma.

Fail. 15? 15 saves. All right. And natural one. So two of them. Fail. Two of them fail. Wisdom. And natural one. So two of them fail. This one fails.

And this one fails. Yeah. All righty. Oh, God. What does Bane do? It's a D4. It's the opposite of Bless. They lose a D4 to saves and attacks.

They have to roll a d4 and they lose. I'm not entirely certain why you cast it at third level, since at first level it affects three creatures. How about at first level, then? Who did that, then? Ohana means no one gets left behind. Did you say Ohana? Help! Yes. With a bonus action, can I cast Spiritual Weapon? Is that how this shit works?

No. One of them has to be a cantrip. Okay! That's my turn. Alright, but that's a turn. Alrighty, Damien, you're up. Okay. At the beginning of your turn, because even though it is blinded, this is still terrifying to you.

Go ahead and make a wisdom saving throw for me, please. All right. Come on. Okay. Hold on a minute. Let's see if I can do something about that. Nine. Nine. You are frightened of it.

Shit. It is also blinded, so they can't slay each other out if you were to attack it. Ah! Ah! All right. Up to you. Say again? Up to you. What do you want to do? Okay, I'm going to attack it. Go for it. All right. Up to you. Say again? Up to you.

What do you want to do? Okay, I'm going to attack it. Go for it. All right. First attack does not hit. Or, well, hold on. Let me just double check. It does 12 hit?

12 does not hit. Okay, I figured. There you go. Second hit. That is 23. 23 does that, yeah. Bada bing, bada boom. All right, and with my bonus action, I'm just going to use my flame tongue stiletto

just to see how this thing works, and I'm going to... It's going to... It's going to ignite its fire? Ignite its fire. Okay. Let's go ahead and roll damage for the attack. Good rolls.

Yeah. 21 points of damage. Nice. Woof. Flame Tongue Stiletto. As it's freaking out, backing up, its head kind of flapping in the areas where it's cracked open. You carve across it with the secondary strike of the stiletto.

The fire catches on its fur, and it's not like burning on the sides. It's screeching into the night. It looks pretty damn hurt. I finish your turn, Damien? I finish my turn. All right, that brings us to Farrowind. All right.

Is that wolf that's next to Damien, is that within 30 feet of me? Can I tell? It's within 30 feet. All right. Then I'm going to turn to it and see everything that Damien's doing to it. I'm going to use my arm that's lit up with wind glyphs. I'm going to attack it.

Okay. With a fist of unbroken air. Go for it. Go ahead and roll an attack. Oh, God. Oh, that was aggressive. Oh, good. That was good.

Oh, wait. I don't... Wait. I don't roll an attack. It's an automatic thing. You have to make a save against it. Oh, gotcha. It was a good roll, too.

Too bad. Strength save. Strength save. Minus D4. That is a 10. 10. Ooh, good, it fails. So it takes 3D10 bludgeoning damage.

Damn. And that would be 8 plus 8 is 16. And it's pushed 20 feet back and it's knocked prone. As you turn around, concentrate your energy, the glyphs glowing on your arm, you pull back and in one very solid Hadouken motion, you release this burst of radiant aura energy that causes this wind blast to strike the side of it.

It gets lobbed in the air, skids this far, and is no longer moving. Yeah! Hadouken! and is no longer moving. Yeah! A dog! And then for my bonus action... You still have another attack. Or is that an action? That's an action. And then for my bonus action,

I'm going to leap over Lionel and do some crazy monk shit. And I'm going to flurry of blows. Unfortunately, if the ability you did wasn't an attack action, you can't do a flurry of blows. Oh, really? Yeah. I'm going to leap over him and just hit him with one hit.

Some very reasonable monk shit. I'll let him. Just some sort of sane monk shit. Exactly. Leap over him. Why don't I leap over, and I'm going to land on his back and punch down. Go for it. Go for it.

Roll for the attack. Ha! Hey! That's good. That was 16 plus 8, so I think that hits. That definitely hits. Great. Cool.

Can I use a ki point to make it a... No, I'm not going to do that. That's a waste. He's really hurt. Six points of damage. Six points of damage. Yeah, looking really hurt. Really, really hurt.

Really hurt. You're riding on its back now, so it's thrashing around. You're grabbing the fur. Like... Oh, I thought that was going to do it. Oh, no. Buddy're grabbing the fur. Like, ugh! Oh, I thought that was going to do it. Oh, no. Buddy, you're up. Doggo, I thought I put you in the hole.

20 for the first. That hits. Way higher for the second. That definitely hits, then. First one is 12 points. Nice. Second is also 12. Bam.

Poof. Poof. The second impact hits and it cracks. Part of it's the back leg and it snaps. And it rears around. And you can see where the leg is kind of dangling in the socket. And then where it's kind of torn a bit, another leg kind of grows out. Oh, you're pretty.

And he's going to circle around away from me, so that he and I are flanking that wolf. There we go. You got it. Finishing Buddy's go, that brings us to Terry and Dodie. Oh, don't a lot of us go at the same time? Yeah. Oh, but it's my turn?

You guys all know, I'm going by the dexterity. I will bonus action say, Dodie, finish that one off, and he'll climb up and attack. Go for it. And roll 15 to hit? 15 just hits.

Okay. Nice. He scores seven points of damage. Dodie rushes up. Terry! And punches a solid foot and a half into the middle of its torso. Pulls the arm out and it kind of slumps to the ground

far when you kind of stumble off of its side. It's completely destroyed. I will also imbue that shot with an arcane jolt, not to add damage to that attack, though, but to command Doty to heal Lionel by 4d6. Oh. And he heals Lionel 10 points. Nice.

That's my bonus action. And for the record, I don't, Fist of the Unbroken Heir isn't a spell, it's an actual attack, so technically. Technically. Technically. I could have done fairy up blows, but that's okay. For future reference. The book's coming out.

It's always dangerous when the book comes out. Damien, you scared? Nah. You're not scared? I had that thing. I had that thing and then it like disappeared in like a flurry. There is the attack action. Uh-huh. And then there is, as an action, you spend two ki points and choose a creature, and it has an effect on it. The bonus action, getting able to attack.

It just says taking on it. Flurry of blows. Uh-huh. Let me double check. It just says after the attack, if you take an attack action. This is a real D&D table, folks. Oh. This is what happens at D&, folks. I just want to know

in the future if I can do it. The attack action is when you just do your two attacks. So if you do the pop-pop, as other monks would say, then you get to spend the key point to do Flurry of Blows. But that ability is an action, but it's not considered

the attack action, so you can't follow it up. But good looking out. And for my action, I it's not considered the attack action, so you can't follow it up with it. Okay. But good looking out. And for my action, I'll fly over to the owlbear and infuse his... What are you wearing? It's a carcass of an owlbear. I'm going to infuse his cowl

with cowl of the bat, making him sort of a bat man. In dim light or darkness, you can fly like a bat. Oh my god. And I believe it's getting dim, isn't it? It's post-sunset, yeah.

Oh my god. So you're saying I can now fly like an owlbear? Yes. Amazing. All righty. That finishes your turn, Tarion? Yes. Hazel, you're up. Okay. Oh, good. As the daring Tim Brigade quickly makes work of the giant wolfy beasts,

Buddy snaps the hind legs of one of the wolves, and you hear a thunderous clap reverberate through the woods. And I cast Thunderclap on that guy. Well. All right. What's the range on Thunderclap? It's 100 feet.

Oh! Uh-oh. 100 feet? Hmm, you're right. No, no, you've done it. You've done it. It's happening. Yeah, you narr right. No, no, you've done it. You've done it. It's happening. Yeah, you narrated the damn thing. Can't undo it.

Yep. New character. Who did? Should have worn it. Five feet. Five feet. Five foot range? Five foot?

Creatures within five feet of you. Oh, wait, wait, wait. You create a burst of thunderous sound that can be heard up to 100 feet away. It's heard. Oh, gotcha, gotcha. Yeah, 100 feet? Each creature.

But it's within every creature. Gotcha. Every creature. Gotcha. Every creature. Oh. Shit. You guys are fine. Yeah. You cranked it up to 11.

All right, so what level did you cast it at? It's just a cantrip. So just the... Everybody hears it. Creatures within five feet are the ones that need to make the con save. Yeah, only things within five feet of you. Yeah, within range.

Creature within range. Yes, which means... Oh! Yeah, so you gotta move up to him if you want to. But then what does it say? Oh, but it can just be heard. Yeah. Wow, what a weird specification.

Why would you put 100 feet in your spell thing if it's just like, it can be heard 100 feet away? Because it's thunder. This is just how it went in rehearsal, guys. We even work in the errors to give it that flavor of authenticity. Yeah, it's true.

Okay, so wait, wait, wait. The writers are real good. Fuck me. As I give my description, I climb down the mountain and with a thunderous roar, I climb over and the... Oh, and then you hear a thunderous roar, I climb over

and the and then you hear a thunderous clap! All right. That is a failure. So you can roll your 2d6. Six damage. Six damage. Six damage.

The sound echoes out. You see two clusters of birds from the nearby trees. And you're pretty sure you've alerted everything within a certain radius of the forest. About 100 feet? About 100 feet. And the sight was glorious. All righty. That finishes your turn, Hazel. Top of the round.

It is now the wolf's turn. In a bad position. However, you got its attention, Hazel, with that clap. So it's going to go ahead and turn and try and bite you. That is a 17 to hit. Hits. All righty. You suffer 11 points of piercing damage and make a strength saving throw, please.

Ew. Mm-hmm. 22. 22, you're fine. Managed to wrench yourself free from its jaws. That ends its turn. I just throw my tuba at him. Good call.

All right. Owlbear, Batman. I heal throw my tuba at him. Good call. All right. Owlbear, that man. I heal four points. You heal four points. I turn to look at the last of these creatures that has left. I yell, and I leap off towards it full speed. Are you running or flying? Oh, I'm going to glide until I can't.

Just like an owlbear. All right. It's engaged, right? Yes, it is. Okay, so that's advantage. Nice. That's a 10 to hit. No, that's going to miss.

Sorry. It's all right. I'm going to go again. That's a 24 to hit. That'll hit. That'll hit. That'll hit. Get there.

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na. Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. Albert! Albert! Albert! I want to re-roll that. I can do that every now and then. Yeah, I got things.

That didn't matter. Never mind. Nine, ten, eleven, twelve, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen. Seventeen points of damage. Seventeen points of damage. Got it. It's still standing. I'm going to go again.

It's still standing. Bonus action. Bonus action. Go ham. Twenty-one to hit? That hits. Come on. And that's 12 points of damage.

12 points of damage. As you eviscerate the sight of it, it's pulling back angrily, spitting its own blood at you. It's barely standing, but it's still standing. Look at me! Look at me! Macaroni, it's your turn. Trying to make eye contact. I will cast Sacred Flame! All righty.

Finally. That's a 13. No, 15. Yep, just go ahead and roll damage on that. Sucker! That is 13 points of radiant damage. How do you want to do this? Yeah!

I'll look down and say, nobody hurts my friend, buddy! Perfect. As you finish your squeal of divine warcaster might, you see it kind of rear back, looking up in the face with its head kind of tilted. And then just liquefies into the ground as the flame burns and causes it to congeal into, basically returning to the ash around this burned and charred landscape. And with incredible tenacity,

Tarion deals the final blow on the last beast. I like you. I like you a lot, Hazel. Thank you. Thank you, Captain. Excellent work, Brigade. Did I really notice that those wolves had extra eyes and tentacles coming out of their mouths? Yeah, those weren't like full-blown direwolves.

They were something else. I haven't seen anything like it around these woods. Maybe it's the result of some sort of evil magic that has to do with this crater. Our leader pontificated? Yes. While we think on this, we should follow any other tracks

That we had seen To see the source of this nightmarish magic What kind of tracks are they? I want to check the tracks What do they look like? Make an investigation check It's not a nature check or anything like that It's fine, I can do that

I like that you've got like Permanent eye holes where your owl mask is on your head. One for the owls and one for the bears. 13. 13? Is this an ability check? Yeah, this is an ability check of his. I will wave my hair around and give him an extra four.

Okay. Flash. D4. Just a four. Oh. Four more. Okay. 17.

So looking at the groove that kind of grinds itself up and out of the crater and leading in a south direction, looking at it, you find that there are some other signs of footprints. Now roll a nature check. 24. Yeah. It's hard to tell precisely what these feet are,

but they appear to be webbed. Shut the fuck up. Oh, no. Oh, no. Lionel, do you sense anything? I mean, I sense a lot of things right now, boss. Like, it's a lot in my colon. A lot in, like, the back of my neck, left shoulder.

Just let that wash right off your back, though. Okay, okay. But nothing, nothing, nothing specifically duck-related hitting you? Let me go ask them. I can't. They're all dead. I just had a really uneasy feeling. Sorry. Are there any other birds or otherwise around?

There was until the thunderclap. Oh. Great. Which direction did these tracks lead, Mr. Bat, Owl, Bear, Man? That way. That way? Yeah, that way, right there. I say we follow them.

Yeah, we should go southeast. Is that southeast? Are we going to sit and have a snack and maybe take a rest? Do you need that? Well, only if everyone else does. Is anybody hurt and stuff? Because I'm sitting pretty up here. I'm a little hurt.

You're a little hurt? Who else? Anybody? I'm a little hurt. You're a little hurt? Who else, anybody? I'm a little hurt. How the fuck do healing spells work? Well. By a little, I mean 33 points down. Woof.

You're, you're, you're up here again? There's some that take 10 minutes, some that require touch, and some that just have distance of their touch, they heal a bit more if they take 10 minutes. Yeah, give me a fucking second, okay? Don't you take this down. Yeah, do you want to take a second?

I mean, what do you want? I am quite the skilled campfire builder, just throwing it out there, and I've got a great audio book if we want to take a minute. The Darrington Brigade does not rest when we are on a mission. We continue forward and forge ahead because we, the proud, the few, the Brigadines,

have a mission that must be accomplished so that we can get paid. Can you say that last line one more time? So that we can get paid. Thank you, got it, got it. He's got it already. Would heroism have topped me off at this point? Or does that cancel one thing? It lasts for one minute, so you would get...

Oh yeah, so I'm totally healed, never mind. Can I jump down and I'll... And run over the pharaoh and I'll run over the Pharaoh and I'll use Cure Wounds. Yes? Yeah, what level? The third level. All right.

3d8 plus your wisdom modifier. So no rest. We're doing a quickie heal. We're just moving. Because Tarion says so, because we're all making a lot of money off of this. Oh wait, no we're not. You can actually write down

your share of the 10,000 gold as a in-kind donation and get that amount taken off of your taxes at the end of the year. Oh, so that 10,000 in gold goes not to us. To the people of Wildemount.

Okay. I'm a people of Wildemount. I mean... 20 points of healing. 20. Thank you, Macaroni. You're welcome. She's really nice.

She's a flower. If you need to rest, we can. Well, now Macaroni just used a spell, so I feel guilty about it. Are you okay? I'm fine. All right. Buddy rips a massive rank fart.

I'm going to stay down here for a second. That shit just climbs. Heat rises. Macaroni, thank you for doing a solid to your teammate. I will infuse your boots with teleportation. I've got lots of powers. Hey, if I'm going to stay down here with you guys, can you do something to my thing?

What does she think? It's called a yikulwa. What is that? It's a fucking, like a, it's a party. Oh. Oh, shit. Sorry, buddy. It's okay.

Yikulwa. Yikulwa. It's got some crazy-ass It's okay. Yikula. Yikula. It's got some crazy-ass letters in it. Yikula. Yikula. Is it a weapon? It's in the book. Yeah, it's a weapon. Yikula. And it stabs? Yeah. I can't do shit to that. But I can give you boots of teleportation. So on bonus action, you can teleport 15 feet.

Dumb. That's gonna go well. Just once, or like all the time? Just once. And while I'm giving out stuff, you've got your horn. I'm going to infuse that with my last infusion of the day. It is now

also a pipe of the sewers. That's a rough review, man. You can summon a swarm of rats. And if you roll high enough, they'll listen to you. If not, just a swarm of rats. So she can Louis Armstrong some rats out of her horn? The sound it makes, however, is terrifying.

Did it just all sound like Orson Welles? Ben the... Okay, no, I'm sorry. That went on holy brown note. So there are tracks. Oh, yeah. We're going that way. We're already moving. All right, you're following are tracks. Oh, yeah. We're going that way. We're already moving.

All right, you're following the tracks. Continuing on into the early evening, about another hour or so before you reach the base curvature of the Sirius Mountains, the tracks glide into what looks like an opening to a subterranean chamber. Do you enter the chamber? We probably should.

Go ahead, Farrowin. All right. I'll go near the front. All right, so Buddy's going to the front. Yeah. And Farrowin, and who's with Farrowin? I'll jump in with Farrowin. Yeah, okay. I'll get behind with Farrowin. Yeah, okay.

I'll get behind Alper. Thank you, Damien. Oh, you're welcome, Farrowin. Let's see. And then who's after them? Hazel? Lionel will come in, too. Yep, I'll be behind Hazel. Dodie will be behind me. As an observer, I'm bringing up the rear.

Alrighty. I'd like to have a full scope of what I'm reporting on. Descending into this eight to ten foot wide cavern. Extra. It's not a super deep descent. It's a relatively shallow decline. But as you walk in the cave itself, it smells of old, hard water

and fungus. The winding, damp, rocky path eventually opens up into a large chamber with a pool of water that sits across the way. You can see, peeking from the surface of the water, a large, shimmering stone.

Very similar in appearance and glow as to the shards that you had found within the crater itself. Pretty. Now, what do you guys see up there? A rock. Buddy found a rock. Yeah, it looks like it's the same shiny stuff that was in the crater. I think this is the, you know, it looks like it's the same shiny stuff that was in the crater. I think this is the

you know, the main part of it. Oh, like the meteor itself. Yeah. Yeah, the meteor itself. Do you want Buddy to lift it? Please, yes. Especially if there's something behind it, yes. Okay. I'm gonna back up.

He just starts. Are you guys backing up towards the entrance of this cavern? No, I'm just going to go against the wall and see what happens. Buddy is dumb as bricks. He's already marching out towards this rock. Okay, are you guys following Buddy, or are you all staying in the hallway? I'm following Battle. Staying in the hallway.

I'm just going to stealth and try to hide in the corner. Actually, I'll skitter up on the chariot. Woo-hoo! Okay. Marwyn? Sure, why not? I'll follow. Yeah, I'm going to follow.

All righty. Lionel will follow. You sure you want to follow? The three of you are staying behind. Yeah, I'm going to hide. All righty. I'll follow kind of to the side in case there's another one of those farts. Okay.

Pretty likely. It's kind of like a second snack. You're welcome. So buddy, as you approach bounding towards it, you can see that the glittering stone itself, size-wise, it probably sits at about, I'd say, anywhere from six to ten feet across. It's a large stone. And you only

see the top of it, kind of peeking out the top of the water surface. And as you approach, the water that it sits in begins to ripple around the stone. The lights sort of sparkle and dapple across his giant goggles. And he's just going to reach for it and try to lift it.

That's what he's going to do because he's real smart. Okay. What are you doing? What are you doing? Let me get a map for this cavern so you can get everything. Yes. Guys, Austin has been amazing. You guys have such great hospitality. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you know what else is amazing? The fourth floor merchandise. It's stuff that you can only get here at this show. Oh, shit. Oh, boy. What the? Good vampire. Oh, no.

Wow. Wow. That's huge. Wow. Wow. That's huge! So the three of you would be up here by the entrance. Hazel, Tarion, and Dodie.

Buddy is rushing towards the edge here. I'm gonna... The stone is right here in the middle. It's in the water? It's in the water. I'm going to hide, if I can, behind one of those. I'm going to try and sneak in. You've got those little pikes over there?

Yeah. Over here, you mean? Yeah. Farwen, where are you going? I'm going to cross over and hide behind the pillar on the other side. Over here? Right there.

All right, go ahead and roll a stealth check. All right. Go for it. And Damien, where are you going? Yeah, I'm going to go stand next to Farrowen. All righty. 20 for stealth on me. You got it. Albert? Natural one.

Oh! As you carefully lean against the stalagmite, it cracks and crumbles to the ground loudly. I'm just going to pretend to be the stalagmite for a moment. Okay. The impact of the broken rock causes the chamber to quake a bit. Oh, shit. And as you begin to wade into the water a bit, buddy, the stone begins to move upward from the pond. That's easy. Don't touch.

Peeking from the surface, you see the sparkling stone, and it begins to reveal beneath it and engulfing it a massive, swollen, duck-like creature of ill-green feathers and flesh, its burning eyes staring towards you as four terrible whipping tentacle limbs protrude from its body.

The stone is embedded within its back with dark veins visibly writhing around where it's peering from its body. Let me see it. I gotta see it. Oh god, oh god. It's a ductopus. A ductatoa. Ductatoa?

It's a ductapod! Yeah! It's a ductapod! Wow! Oh my god. I love him! He's so cute! Save the duck. I need you guys.

Oh my god. Oh my god. Matt. Yes. Oh my god. We must protect him at all costs. Yes. Yeah. Ah! Oh my god. I need you all to roll initiative against Quackthulu. No! What are you talking about?

Wow. All righty, 25 to 20. 20. 20. 20! Oh! Damn! All righty, we have... Damien, what's your dexterity?

My dexterity is... Where are you at? 19? 19. All righty. So, 20 to 15. Oh, 13. All right. All righty. 15 to 10. 12! Oh, sorry, 14, 14.

Jesus. All righty. Then we have, up at the end there, Macaroni. Never gets old. Macaroni Dough, is that a name? Anyway. At the top, actually, with a natural 20 on initiative is Lionel. Is Lionel? Yes. Terry, what'd you roll? Oh, six, sorry.

I assumed you were at the end there. Yeah. Terry and Dutty. All right. Sorry. I assumed you were in there. Yeah. I'm tearing into duty. All right. All righty. Lionel, who now steps down and watches this creature emerge and goes, oh no, what have they done to you? Oh no.

Quackthulhu spins around, and its piercing red gaze looks to him, and you see the spirit duck totem within him suddenly shunt out of his body. And the same red glow in the duck's eyes now fill Lionel's. No! Matthew! Why? Who is going to take two attacks on Buddy.

No! Natural 20. And an 18. Okay. They both hit? Wait, wait, wait, wait, where were they? Wait. Natural 20. What was the second one?

And an 18. And an 18. Okay, I'm going to use one of my defensive runes. He's within 60 feet of me? Yes. Yeah. Okay, you're going to get a plus four to your AC. That bops the second one out. Second hit is not hit.

17 points of slashing damage from the first strike as Lionel goes into a rage, immediately possessed by Quackthulu, slices down heavily into the back of Buddy's ogreish body. He screams out, goes in for a second strike, and as Damien sees this, immediately triggers the rune and he watches a shield of arcane energy deflects the secondary blow. That is the end of Lionel's turn. It is now Damien's go. What are you doing? Oh, you just said my name. I'm sorry. That is you. That is indeed you. Sorry. I was like, it just went.

I thought Damien was after Buddy. No? I'm going by whoever has the highest dexterity. Same initiative order, higher dex goes first. I thought Damien was after Buddy, no? I'm going by whoever has the highest dexterity. They're all the same initiative order, higher dex goes first. Right, right, right. Okay, so I am going to see this very large duck. So I'm going to make myself a giant as well.

So giant might on myself. All righty. I do not have a giant Damien figure, so we'll just consider this to be your base. All good. So you occupy that much space. And then... Oh boy.

If I get up around there Yeah Like up on the, yeah Can I, am I in, am I in I feel like I'm like Yeah, I'll allow that Yeah, okay So I'm a TX Go for it

Come on Oh, okay, okay. A 26. That hits. Okay. Is your blade still flaming from earlier? Yeah, I never took it out. Never took it off, see ya.

Yeah, okay, so that's gonna be this. 17 for the first hit. Nice. Second strike. Second strike. That probably doesn't hit. 17. 17 again.

Or is it to hit? That was to hit. To hit, that misses. 15. Ooh. So the first time you swing or bring the stiletto forward and pierce the inside of its body, you pull back and the dark green, black liquid oozes from it and.

Oh, wait! In your direction. Wait! Oh no, I didn't roll an extra d8 for the giant mite. Right, so go ahead and roll another d8 for the first one. One. All right, 18. Yeah, got him.

The second strike, you go to swing, and one of the tentacles whips in front of you and ends up deflecting the attack, and you're pissed off by it. Take that, microphone. You just hit that like Marisha Ray striking an Irishman. I hit you one time when you were leaning over my space, motherfucker!

You've all watched the show. How many times has she come close to smack me in the face? Oh, 10. I saw 10 there. That's my turn. All right. I'm watching all of you all right now. You're all in my line of sight.

Yeah, careful, because she'll hit you. Why do you think I'm wearing pads today? Hey, hey, owl bat bear, it's your turn. Well. First, of course, I'm going to rage. Yeah. Tonight we feast on evil most foul! Oh! I appreciate none of you taking that.

Thank you. And I'm going to strafe within 20 feet of it, but not get too close. Then I'm going to pull, peel off, and then get some cover afterward. But once I'm within 20 feet, I'm going to throw two daggers. You're within 20 feet right there. All right, I'm throwing two daggers.

All righty, go for it. Do I have advantage? Is it because it's in combat? Well, it's not advantage in combat. You can do sneak attack because they're next to it now. Okay, they're next to it, so I can do sneak attack. Okay. So that's 26 to hit.

That definitely hits. All right. It's not an advantage roll, but he's able to hit. That definitely hits. All right. It's not an advantage roll, but he's able to do sneak attack. Oh, I didn't get advantage on that. No, you did not. Oh, I rolled advantage, so I'll just take my disadvantage. Just go ahead and roll a new attack. How about that?

Oh, I can do that, too. All right. 20 to hit. That hits. There you go. So you do sneak attack, because currently both Buddy and Damien are harrowing the creature. No! Who are you, man? It's the Court of the owl. It is so...

19 points of damage. Nice. And the second. Boom, boom. Yep. 22 to hit. 22 hits. Roll damage for the second attack. Eight points of damage.

Nice. And then I'm going to try and use the rest of my movement. I have a movement of 40, so I'm going to use the rest of my movement to try and get some cover from this thing. Get as far away from it as possible. Okay, cover. 5, 10, 15, 20. It's as far as you can get.

I'll do it. All righty, that finishes your go. Buddy, you're up. Uh, okay. He's staring in the face of this massive duck creature, but he's also seeing for the first time, and he doesn't know how old he is, he doesn't know shit,

so he just goes, oh, beautiful, and he accidentally presses his hands up and hits a button on the side of the chariot, and one of the Tesla coils goes and fires lightning straight out at the duck creature. Yes! That feature is untested. I wouldn't, okay, well, it's happening. That is a 10 for its saving throw. Where's the DC on that?

DC is 15, so fail. 15, so it fails. Go ahead and roll damage. And shit, I got distracted by how funny our show is. Actually, you know what? I'm going to use a legendary resistance. Legendary resistance. It's a legendary dog.

Yep, so it does succeed. So 10d6. Oh. Yep, so it does succeed. So 10d6. Oh! Nine, 14, 19, 27. And finally, 39. 39, all right, that brings us to 19, I think. That sounds right. Yep, for the half.

All righty. So as the energy courses through, you see the duck, the giant creature, try and go beneath the water to avoid the flash, and it coasts across the outside of its body, and it takes the impact, but not the full brunt of it. And can Buddy vaguely tell how deep the water is that he's sort of stepping into, it looks like? Where he's in right now, it's about three feet.

Three feet. He's going to curve around the side of the duck a little bit and get into the water. Okay, around this way, you mean? Yeah, yeah, that's right. Okay, he gets to about four feet-ish from there, so he's getting up to his upper thigh. That works for me, great.

Okay, cool, that finishes Buddy's go. It's now its turn. Yeah! All right. Get ready. It's going to go ahead and make its multiattack. It's going to make a strike on, Let's see. At that range there... Yeah, it's going to stay put. It's going to go ahead and make two attacks.

Oh, it's going to attack on Buddy, and attack on you, Macaroni. And two attacks on you, Damien. Okay. So the duck tentacle attack against you, Damien. The duck tentacle? It's going to be 18 to hit. Oh, yeah, it hits.

It hits you. I'm on the other side. I'm in front of his face. You take 11 points of bludgeoning damage and make a strength saving throw. Okay. You take 11 points of bludgeoning damage and make a strength saving throw. Okay. That hill rune is probably gone by now. Let me just double check.

Yep, only lasts a minute, so I'm sure that's gone. Okay. Wisdom saving throw? Strength saving throw. Is what I meant to say. Oh, I get advantage on it because of the giant might? Okay, that's a little better. Slightly, yeah. 17?

17, yeah. It tries to grab and grapple you with its tentacle, but it's unable to do so. You push your way out of its grasp. Get the fuck out of here! Its second attack on you. That's going to be another 19 to hit. Yeah.

That's going to be another 11 points of bludgeoning damage. All right. So make another strength saving throw? Yep. It's trying to wrap itself around you there. Yeah. Yeah, even better. 23.

Damn it. All right, you know what? It's going to turn over and go for the tinier object there. It's going to make one strike against you, Macaroni. I'm here for decoration! It's a 30 to hit. Shit! one strike against you, Macaroni. I'm here for decoration! It's a 30 to hit. Shit!

30. Oh, double aids. That's going to be 24 points of bludgeoning damage. Oh! And I need you to make a strength saving throw. Oh god. Trouble, bitch. All right, it's going to attack you again, Macaroni.

No! It ignores you and goes, no, fuck the little guy. That is a 16 to hit. I dismiss it. You duck under it, it slams the top of the platform and it knocks you a little bit off kilter, but the water displacement actually helps anchor you in place

and you hold fast and fine. Sentinel, bitch! Oh yeah! Buddy's eyes go. And he goes apoplectic and slams the shit out of the deck. Hopefully. All righty. Uh, 14, not that good.

Uh, no, 14 does not hit, unfortunately. Splash into the water next to it. Don't help. All right, that's going to finish its turn. Hazel, you're up. Oh, goodness gracious. Extra, extra, extra. I'll read all about it.

All right, then. Fuck me. I adjust my audiophone into my mouth, and I say, as the beaked abomination rises from the abyss, the malice mallard takes hold of Lionel.

Fatigued from the fight, the abyss, the Malice Mallard takes hold of Lionel. Fatigued from the fight, the duck begins to slow like it does on a turkey dinner. Ooh. And whatever, you don't know what happens in Wildemount. And I cast Slow on both Duckthulu and Lionel. That's a fail for the duck. It's gonna use its secondary Legendary Resistance to resist it.

Lionel definitely does not succeed. With Legendary Resistances, does it work like, does he get three per round, or is it three total? It's three total. Okay, cool. And he's used two. So that's your action, you manage to slow Lionel. I manage to slow Lionel,

and I give a bardic inspiration to Tarion Darrington. Inspired by all the additional syllables, you feel yourself rejuvenated. Never heard my name pronounced like that. I like it. Sounds exotic. All righty. Hazel, do you want to move or stay put? Hang, uh, hum, hang, uh,

I'm gonna move up just a little bit. Move up just a little bit? All right, so you descend the steps slightly about there? That's 15 feet. Yeah, that's good. Okay. All righty, finishing up Hazel's turn, Far Yeah, that's good. Okay. All righty. Finishing up Hazel's turn. Farwin, you're up.

Okay. I'm going to run out from behind where I'm hiding, and I'm going to try to flank him on the other side with Buddy. All right. So five, ten, fifteen, twenty. You splash into the water there, and you can't feel your feet touch the ground. So you sploosh into it,

which means you have disadvantage in the water, but you have flanking advantage, so it's just a standard attack. So now you're doing cool monk shit in the water. It's a good thing I'm a genasi. No, I can't walk on water. But I can hold my breath. Forever.

Ooh. All right. Um, alright. Well, that doesn't really make a difference right now, but it's pretty cool. Um, I'm gonna spin my glaive around and try to slash him under his tentacle. Go for it.

Alright. Attack. Ooh. 19 plus 10. 19 plus 10, that definitely hits. All right. I'm going to use a K point to stunning strike. Okay, we'll roll your damage first.

All right. Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! That's nine points of damage

with a dual glaive That's a 17 save That saves Alright, I'm gonna I'm gonna spin it and slash him the other way I'm gonna try to slice off this tentacle completely Come on, it's totally gonna work

19 again, plus 10 That hits, roll damage a second time That's 8 points of damage. Nice. And I'm going to try it again. All righty. Six strike. 16.

That's what he needed, 16, yeah. Yes, he succeeds. All right. And I'm going to Flurry of Blows. Yeah. No. If you want to. Yes. No. No. If you want to. Yes.

No. No? No. I'm gonna Patient Defense. Okay. So you take the dodge action as a bonus action. You're now in the water. You know, maybe I should use the remainder of my movement

to back up out of the water. Because I have 50 feet of movement. Can I do that? You can. So I can get solid ground? Do you want to move up? We're going to take opportunity on you. Never mind.

I'm going to stay right there. But it does have disadvantage on the attack, because you took patient defense. Up to you. I'm staying in the water. All right. Swimming neck deep. All right. Finishing up Farwa's turn. Macaroni, you're up. Terry'm swimming in the water. All right. All right. Swimming in the water. All right.

Finishing up Farwa's turn. Macaroni, you're up. Terry, you're on deck. It's getting intense up in here. And I will cinch up the little straps on my backpack, and I will reach over and pull a lever on the chariot, and I will trigger the ejector seat. And I will

splay out my Da Vinci wings and hang glide back towards the entrance 40 feet. You're fleeing? You're running away? Do you want to cast something first?

Like cast a spell or anything first? It gets an attack of opportunity on you as you leave its combat range. Do you want to cast something first? Like cast a spell or anything first? It gets an attack of opportunity on you as you leave its combat range. Yeah, but I'm flying. You are flying, and it rolls a 25 to hit. Oh, shit.

Say oh. You take 14 points of bludgeoning damage. Make a strength saving throw for me, please. 20! Make a strength saving throw for me, please. Twiddle! The tentacle slaps you hard, and one of the wings buckles for a moment, but you catch yourself back up. Nice. You continue your glide down.

It does not snatch you out of the air, unfortunately. Like I wanted so badly. All right, you may take the rest of your turn. That hurt! I will cast a Spiritual spiritual weapon at third level. Okay. Mind you, spiritual weapon only gets additional damage every two levels. So you have second level, fourth level, sixth level.

So casting it at third level is not going to give additional damage to it. How about second level? All right. Just letting you know. What's it look like? Oh, you see these little vertebrae start to form in the air and they start stacking until they create this spine and it acts like a whip and you just

smacks it on the top of the Ducula. Okay. I'll say that you cast it in the middle of your flight movement and put it next to it. So go ahead and make your attack strike against it. Is there an attack modifier? Yeah, it's your spell attack. New to spellcasting, folks.

We're learning so much tonight. That's 14. 14 does not hit. Shit! Bounces off of its mutant hide. That's my turn. All right, finishing up. Max turn, that brings us to Terry and Dodie.

I will click my boots of speed, making my walking speed 80 feet. Terry is amazing. Money buys a lot of cool stuff. I will walk. Can I get all the way to the monk shit over here? 40, 50, 55, 60, 55, 70, 75, 80. You can get right there.

I can't get to monkey pants? No. To Farrowin? Actually, if you go over this way, up and over, you can. Yeah? You can get right there. That's the extent of your movement, though. Oh, hi.

I will say, welcome to the brigade. Do me proud, and I will touch her and cast haste on her. Ooh. Thank you kindly. All right, Farrow Wind is... But you must protect me, because Dodie's not here. Speaking of which, what would you like Dodie to do? I can't command him to do anything,

because I used my bonus action to click my Boots of Speed. That's right, yeah. So he just hangs. OK. So that finishes your turn. Top is a Lynel. Lynel is slowed, so he cannot use his multi-attack. So he only gets one strike.

His movement is halved, I believe? Yeah. For slow? Yeah. So he's just going to shift. His AC is down, move from the tab. To make one strike at Buddy. That is a, let's see here.

Make sure I'm getting all that. Make sure I'm not missing any elements of the spell here. Bear with me just a second. Yep, that's a 25 to hit. any elements of the spell here. Bear with me just a second. Yep. That's a 25 to hit. Against you, buddy. Oh, that hits. And that's going to be

16 points of slashing damage. Yeah. And that is the end of Lionel's turn. It makes a wisdom save at the end of its turn to see if it gets rid of it. With the penalties on it, it brings it to 15. What was the spell save on your bard? Hazel?

17, I think. Oh, yeah, so it maintains slow on Lionel. 17, yeah. All right, Damien, you're up. All right, so I'm going to keep attacking this thing. All righty, go for it. This big-ass duck. Yeah, okay, so first hit is going to be a 25.

That definitely hits. Okay. Let's do this one. Let's do this one. Let's do this one, let's do this one. Let's do these two. Okay, oh, I rolled so low. I am waiting to use it. 16 for the first hit.

16 damage, nice. Second hit is... 28. 28 hits. Come on. Getting those hits on. 28. 28 damage.

Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. Damn. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Fuck off. 11, shit. Yeah. All right. I was like, there's no way.

What did I do wrong? Okay, and third attack. Third attack. Go for it. That would be 21. 21 hits. Dang. Damien taking no prisoners. This is with the

flaming? It's your offhand. I didn't do flaming for the second one. Should I have? That's fine. Okay. I don't know which one I just rolled. I have the second one. Okay. Should I have? That's fine. Okay. You can go ahead and roll it. I don't know which one I just rolled. This music is dumb.

Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh. Dice, dice, dice, adding numbers, dice, dice. I like to think that Albear is just. Nine, nine, nine. Nine, all righty, nine damage. All righty, does that finish your turn, Damien? You know what? Hold on. That's a big duck. Yeah, it's a big duck. I can't get out of...

Quack, quack, motherfucker. Can I move, but I'll get a reaction? Yeah, he's going to get a reaction against me. You get the sense that its tentacles have quite a reach, so you might be able to move around within a short radius of it, but if you leave that radius at any point, you'll get a reaction against me. You get the sense that its tentacles have quite a reach, so you might be able to move around within a short radius of it, but if you leave that radius at any point, you'll get a reaction. I'm going to stay.

At the end of your turn, it's going to use a legendary action to duck tentacle you, Damien. Okay. To duck tail you? Duck tentacle. Duck tentacles you. Ooh. That's a 20 to hit. That hits.

Alrighty. You, Damien, suffer immediately. 16 points of bludgeoning damage, and make a strength saving throw for me, please. Oh, no. 16 points of bludgeoning? Yep. Okay.

Strength. Okay. Strength, strength. Yes. Okay, I can roll that again. Ah, same. Same number. 16. 16? Yeah. You managed to avoid the grapple again. Get the fuck out of here!

All right. All righty, that finishes your turn. Owlbear, you're up, buddy. Is there anything in that chamber that I can see before I bugger off? You'd have to go around and take five feet to go here to check. I'll take five feet. You glance inside.

It's just a pool. I didn't pull a, okay, just a pool. I didn't do it, okay, nothing quick. I'm going to take the rest of my action and move. You can make a more extensive search if you want to. No, I'm good. Just taking a look. And now I'm going to charge full speed at the duct tank.

Dun-dun, dun-dun, dun-dun. With my full movement and attempt to jump on its back. Okay, make an acrobatics check for me. 18. 18? Okay. You leap, skip off of Buddy, and then land onto its back right there. Tight. Danger right behind you, and I'm going to start. No! Da-da-da, Danger? Goddamn it, Taliesin. And I'm going to start. No.

Danger? God damn it, Taliesin. They're behind you. I haven't even barely gotten into the bear jokes yet. Okay. I'm going to take, I'm just going to start stabbing. Okay. So first stab, and I assume I have advantage because this thing is engaged an awful lot. Well, you don't get advantage from being engaged. It means you can sneak attack

without advantage. Sneak attack without advantage. Correct. So you can still attack it. Normal attack. Or you could reckless attack and get advantage. Yeah. There's a bear poo-poo in the woods. But you already get sneak attack. There's an owl hoo-hoo in the woods. Yeah, I'll take the sneak attack.

All right, go. Regular attack, then. Regular attack. Regular attack. 13 does not hit. 13 misses. Final try again. Next attack.

That's better. 22. That does hit. So that's... I can rer-roll that. That's better. That's 10, 16, 22 points of damage.

Nice. And then take my bonus attack as well. Go for it. You're smarter than the average owlbear. Owlbears are surprisingly smart. I don't want to hear that kind of conversation.

13, didn't you? No, sorry. So I'm just going to stay up there. Okay, it shakes you off of its back now, and you fall. I glide. Sorry. You glide like so much water off a giant duck's back. Landing behind it.

At the end of your turn, it's going to go ahead and attempt to duck tentacle you. Sure. If you just stabbed it in its back, it's going to be a 27 to hit. 27 to hit with a duck tentacle? Yeah, that hits. All right, you take 12 points of bludgeoning damage

and make a strength saving throw. 12 points halved. Yep, so six. Six damage, and I have advantage on that. You do. This is the weirdest tentai. 22. Is it, though?

Evil is a mighty turducken. 22. 22. 22, yeah, you succeed. All righty, that finishes your go. Buddy, you're up. Well, so first of all, Buddy the Ogre is breathing kind of heavily. Question DM, potions. Bonus action or action?

I can't remember. Bonus. We usually say bonus just for our campaign. Okay, so he vaguely remembers getting handed a potion in Terry's vault, and he just throws it in his mouth and starts chewing it and swallows it. I mean, it's really little for him. Anyway, he just starts wailing with his club. We'll see what that does later.

First one is a 17, and the second one is a 21. The second one hits. Second one hits? Yes. Oh, shit. Okay. That is 11, and I will use Action Surge to keep going. All righty.

First one is a 19, and the second is way higher. Both hit? Yeah. That is a 12 and a 13, so he's just wailing away with his Tarrian-branded club. Nice. And he will... No, he'll stay put. He'll stay put.

Okay. End of your turn, it's going to use its last legendary action to do Ground Slam. It brings up all of its tentacles at once and hits the ground. Everyone within five feet of it has to make a strength saving throw. That would be Owlbear, Farwyn, and Buddy.

Natural 20. Jesus Christ. Wait, did you say natural? Yes. Yeah, okay. I will blow a kiss to Farwyn and give her a plus four. 10. 11.

Owlbear is pushed 10 feet away. Farwyn is pushed 10 feet away. Like being pushed out of the water. Tarion, you need to make a save as well. 17 plus stuff. 17, yeah, you managed to hold it. And then... 16?

16, you're fine. So you guys managed to push out of the way. The other ones who weren't quite as ready for it get thrown off balance and push 10 feet away from the creature. It is now its turn. Gets its legendary actions back. It's going to go ahead. You watch as it suddenly begins to inhale, its chest expanding, the gem on its back glowing brighter and brighter, and it gives out this horrible. Oh no.

Oh my god. Using its soul-wrenching quack ability, and everybody within 60 feet of the duck to make a wisdom saving throw, which is... 60 feet? Everybody except you. Natural 20! Jesus Christ! That's everybody.

Five. All righty. 18. 18, you're fine. 12. All righty. 12. All righty.. 12. All righty. 12. All righty.

Natural one. All righty. Hazel. 15. All righty. Hazel, fucking macaroni. Tarion. Tarion and Farwen, you are all paralyzed until the end of this guy's next turn.

Hold on, come on. Yeah? Is anyone within 30 feet of me? Oh, wait, I'm going to add my inspiration. Yeah, you do have that. All right. Please. Well, no.

That's a nine. Is anyone within 30 feet of me? I am. Tarion and Farowin and Buddy. Yeah, a lot of people are. I'm going to activate my Cloud Rune, which any creature you can see within 30 feet, if they're hit by an attack roll. It's not an attack roll. It's not an attack roll,

I just realized it once I got to that part of the paragraph. It's all good. I do nothing and I look on in sadness. Like oh-so-many unearthed arcana. All righty, so those of you who failed, it quakes your very being, and you find your body unable to move. You are locked in place until the end of its next turn. So we can't cast spells or move. You are locked in place until the end of its next turn.

So we can't cast spells or anything, right? No, you cannot move until the end of its next turn. Is this like a, are we frightened, or? No, you are paralyzed. I just, we're just paralyzed out of just paralyzation, not frightenedness. Correct. Cool. That ends its turn.

Macaroni, did you get paralyzed? Actually, it's going to attempt. We are fucked. It's going to attempt to move back. Yes. All of our magic people. Yep, we're going to make your Sentinel attack. We all get attacks of opportunity.

I roll a two. That's a fail, you do as well, yeah. And spiritual weapon. Does not get an attack. Nevermind, I don't know what I'm doing. Oh no! All right. He slipped away.

That finishes its turn. It is now Hazel's turn. Hazel, you are paralyzed. Next, it is. Did she get to make a save or anything? No, it's the end of his next turn. Matt, why are you so cruel? Farwyn.

I'm paralyzed. You're paralyzed. Macaroni. I was really looking forward to going. You're paralyzed. Terry. Duck you. Lionel's turn.

Lionel is going to continue to wail upon Buddy as he is the closest to it in this maddening mind control. That is going to be a 16 to hit? No! You turn back and just slap the blade to the side. You can see the red burning in Lionel's eyes. No impact. Hey! Why? You're breaking my heart, man. I know, I know, but...

All right, that finishes Lionel's turn. Damien, you're up. Okay. Actually, at the end of Lionel's turn, I'll take that back. Kakthulu's going to go ahead and take a duck tentacle attack on... Let's say... Kakthulu's going to go ahead and take a duck tentacle attack on

let's say Tarion. Oh no! It's because you're so shiny! It's not within five feet of you, though. So be thankful of that. That's going to be

when your paladin has an advantage on it. Okay, to 25. Sure. You suffer, Tarion. 19 points of bludgeoning damage. And I believe you automatically fail a strength saving throw. Sure.

Because you're paralyzed. Yep, so you are also grappled by its tentacle. Oh shit. All right, that brings us to. Donny, come help me! All right, that brings us to... Cody, come help me! All right, so now it is Damien's turn. All right, so I'm going to use second wind, a bonus action to regain some health.

Nice. Which is a D, can I borrow a D10? Yeah. With Owlbear on deck. Yeah. All right, I heal 11 points. Hey man, it sucks to be taken out of the fight for a couple rounds, doesn on deck? Yeah. All right, I heal 11 points. Hey man, it sucks to be taken out of the fight for a couple rounds, doesn't it? Yeah.

Oh boy, oh boy. How do you bear it? Not to you, you have to move into the water to get to him. Can I jump on him? If you want to try. All right, I'm going to move in the water. All right, so you wade into the pool of dark liquid that is this pond here, getting into base to base with it.

Go for it. I'm going to try to climb him. I'm going to try to get on him. Because why the fuck not? Sure, make an athletics check for me. Okay. In the water, chicken. Which you may have advantage of,

because you're a giant. I have advantage. Macaroni just out to the side, seeing him. No skin in trouble. 13. 13, too slippery. The water off the duck's feathered back make it difficult. His feathers are so weird, it's not holding onto water, it's slippery. It's coming off of his back. So you can't climb him, but you do still have your actions this turn.

All right, so since I'm down there, I will, I'm gonna slice and dice. Go for it. Yeah, that'll hit. 18 plus 26. That hits. Flaming Tongue Stiletto. Yeah. That's an eight, nine.

Five. All right. 15. Close. 20 points of damage. Nice. Okay. Boom.

What an impression. I took the bonus action, I moved, I tried to climb and I did that, that's probably it? Right, yeah. I probably can't take it. So you take another attack, but your movement is done. Action surge. I'm going to try again.

A lot of fighters, this group, man. Yeah. Would this be Flaming Tongue or the regular? Come on, Damien! Let's go, Flaming Tongue. Uh, uh, uh. Let's go! Take note!

22. 22, that hits. Yeah! All right, so nine, 15. 18 points of damage. Some sort of concentration check for the duck, maybe? Nope, that doesn't happen, sorry. Damn it.

All righty, that finishes Damien's turn. Owlbear, you're up. How close am I to the duck? You're about five feet from it. So I can just, I'm gonna take my five feet up, and I'm gonna take two reckless attacks. Okay, go for it. Get it.

You have this giant, green, veiny duck butt right in front of you. Yeah. I don't have a pun for that. Yeah, I thought you didn't. 22. 22 hits. Right in the hooter. It's starting to look hurt, by the way. You can see it's starting to bleed

from different areas of the wounds, the slash marks. Okay, okay, okay. It's looking hurt. 27 points of damage. Oh! Nice! And then I'm going to take another attack. What have you done, Taliesin?

Yeah. That definitely hits. Yeah. 14 points of damage. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to use my bonus action to disengage and move out of its reach. Okay.

Whoosh. I can move 40. Well, actually, I can move 35. 35, that'll put you right there. Yeah. All righty, that finishes your go. At the end of your turn, it's going to go ahead and use another legendary action to, we'll say, tentacle slam Buddy.

Must protect Buddy. 26. 26? To hit. To hit? Oh, yeah, that hits. And 16 points of bludgeoning damage. All right. You must protect Buddy. 26. 26? To hit. To hit? Oh yeah, that hits. And 16 points of bludgeoning damage.

All right. Make a strength saving throw for me, please. Yeah. I'll use Indomitable. Okay. Oh, that's good. 26. Sure.

All righty, now Buddy, what are you doing? So Buddy is still looking at the half-orc who keeps trying to wail at him from behind and says, Don't hit me. Turns away and starts to walk towards the duck and steps away from Lionel. All right, Lionel cannot get a reaction because he's slowed. Thanks, Lionel.

And then he will take two swipes with his giant terry club. The first is a 27 and the second is a 21. Both hit. Yeah. and the second is a 21. Both hit. So that is 11 and 11, so 22 bludgeoning damage total, and then he starts going

and whatever he drank and he just starts puking fire out onto the duck from the potion of fire breathing. Yes! 28. Come on. That is a dex save, 13? 15, it succeeds.

Okay. Nobody roots for me. Total of 18. 18. So nine points of fire damage. So's a total of 18. 18. So nine points of fire damage. So nine points of fire damage. Yeah. And he is, Buddy's really wheezing, FYI.

Gotcha. All righty, end of your turn. If only any of us were able to move. That's the end, yeah, all done. All right. End of your turn, this is his final legendary action. Tentacle slam against you again, buddy. Yeah!

There we go. Thank you for the support. Not cool. That's going to be a 19 to hit. Yeah! Oh. All righty. Buddy.

20 points of bludgeoning damage. All right. No. No. Okay. All right. So it is now Quackthulu's turn. Wait, wait, wait. Can I use my cloud rune to...

What's that? That's the thing I was trying to use earlier. What's it do? It's a... So you... When a creature you can see with it... That's the thing I was trying to use earlier. What's it do? It's a, it's a, so you, you, you, when a creature you can see within, well, it's even 30 feet. Yeah, it's even 30 feet of you. It's hit by an attack roll. You can use your reaction to invoke the rune and cause that attack to target a different creature within 30 feet of you.

Oh, okay. Is Lionel within 30 feet of me? Lionel is, yeah. Savage. Yeah. Let's do it. All right. Hey, man. I'm all about loyalty in my family. You switch sides, you die. All right, so that's 20 damage

that you did not take, buddy. Yeah. damage that you did not take, buddy. Yeah. 20 damage you did not take, because instead it went to Lionel Gayhart. All right. Or Chaud, as some... Yep. All righty.

So on its turn, it's going to go ahead and... Ah, that Sentinel's messing it up. It's going to attack you again, buddy. Because he has Sentinel, it can't go anywhere! He chose that feat, he knew what he was getting himself into! That's not cocked. 27.

27? Yes. That just barely hits. It never gets old. Roll low. That is 22 points of bludgeoning damage. Dammit. Oh. Oh. Okay.

Second attack on you, buddy. Yeah. 29. Come on, Mighty Ducks, we can do this. 29? Aw. Oh no. That is 18 points of bludgeoning damage. Okay. Hey, buddy. Are you still up, buddy?

You are still pretty. Aw. Oh no, buddy. Remember, you can detect his thoughts. Okay. I wanted to do that 20 minutes ago, but it's a willing creature, and I don't think that Duckthulu is willing. It's going to attempt to move out of your melee range. Go ahead, make your Sentinel attack.

Go for it. Is that your opportunity? We could open. No. Perfect. Go for it. Attack of Opportunity? No, it's the thing with the ears. No. Oh. Perfect. It's now going to make a tentacle attack against you, Tarion.

Oh no, Tarion. Because you are paralyzed and you're within five feet, it's an auto crit. If it hits, it says 24. 24 points of damage? No, 24 to hit. Yeah, sure. If you were up against him.

All right. Do I get an attack of Opportunity since I was up against him? No, because it didn't move out of your melee range. Oh, oh, oh, oh, 40 hit. Yeah, sure. If you were up against him. All right. Do I get an attack of opportunity since I was up against him? No, because it didn't move out of your melee range. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. That's going to be 30 points of bludgeoning damage. Ooh. And make a strength saving throw for me. I can't.

You're still grappling. All right, and then it's going to make one against you, Marwyn. Farwyn. Why do you keep thinking my name has an M in it? I don't know. Morrowind? That's gonna be with advantage. It's a good game, though. 19 to hit?

Oh no, it doesn't, because I'm hasted. That's a 20 is my AC now. Does that still go, even though I'm paralyzed? Yeah, the spell's still going. I'm like, yes. In a weird way. She's the fastest paralyzed person on Earth. I feel like we've encountered this once before in our gaming where someone was unconscious and hasted.

Weird stuff, man. Weird stuff. Sure. Yeah. As it goes to strike towards you as you're paralyzed. I don't fucking know. Doesn't make any sense, but there you have it. What kind of genasi are you?

Air genasi. Air genasi, yeah. You toot a little. And it's just enough of an air buffer from all the muscle constraining of being in this paralyzed state just to flex it out of the way. Cool.

I feel much better, though. I've been holding it in for a while. Good, good. Well, that holding it in for a while. Good, good. Well, that's the end of its turn. Hazel, you're up. Am I not paralyzed anymore? Your realization has faded from your mind. Oh, thank god.

Oh, thank god. So in the track that I was recording, there's going to be about six seconds of me going, and then suddenly, and then suddenly... But... Then suddenly... I need you to make a concentration check for me for that haste. Five.

Wait, what? Oh, I'm a war caster. Yep. 16 plus six, 22. You're fine. Because that would have removed the haste. But haste remains. The attack misses you some fucking how.

All right, Hazel, what you doing? It's that Darrington luck. Apparently. Oh! The Darrington brigade demolished the duck, or continues to demolish the duck, and distractions dominate, including the mating call of Quackthooloo's distant lover.

That sounded like fucking nothing. Do it again. Deep from a distant dimension, he can hear the calling of his conilingus. Oh. And I cast Dissonant Whispers. Yeah. All right, saving throw is... Wisdom, 17.

And thus, Foley was invented. It's canon. 23. Fuck! Well, if he succeeds, he still takes half of 3d6 psychic damage it's not too shabby

13 half 6 points of psychic damage apparently this duck not as horny as he hoped I thought this duck, not as horny as you hoped. I thought this duck fucked. We've all made that mistake.

Especially Daisy. He's not DTD? DTD? That's a good one. Alrighty. Hazel, do you want to move or stay put? Nope, I'm great. All righty.

Fucking said no. Hang on, wait. Who's looking rough? Which one of my teammates look like they are in need of assistance? Buddy. Buddy. Buddy. Buddy's really rough. I hear you. And with great resolve, you see the great ogre, Buddy,

get his second wind as he takes a deep breath and lunges with incredible resolve, and you get a healing word. You can't cast two spells in a round. Fucking fuck! And he gets a Bardiac Inspiration. There we go. Is what I meant to say.

It's D10, right? Yes, you get one D10. Perfect. Is it your turn, Hazel? Yes. Alright, and if you turn, it's going to use Legendary Action to attack Buddy. Oh, come on! You have Bardiac Inspiration! 27 to hit.

Oh my god. Yeah. That is 17 points of legendary damage. All right. Oh boy. Oh. You okay? How many hit points do you have? Nine. Jesus Christ.

Why, are you keeping track? No, I just feel like it's been a lot. 111. Well, how many left? I'm the tank. Yeah, it's working. First time ever! Farrowin, you're up.

How many left? Nine. Nine. Is it possible to get on the other side of Daktulu, where I'm flanking him? You could move to this side. That's Damien. Sorry, that's...

You would, too... Unfortunately, no, there's not enough space. Can I hop up and over him? Can I try some monk shit? Sure, make an acrobatics check. This is gonna be a relatively high DC. Ooh! Uh, is this acrobatics, you said? That would be a 28.

Whoa! I'll allow it. Up and over. Bloop. Bloop. On the opposite side. All right. Still hasted.

So I get advantage on my attacks? You do. Well, yes, you do, because you're flanking with... With Damien. With Damien. All right, cool. I'm going to spin my fucking blade. Do it.

Ooh. Okay, 17 plus 10, I think that hits. All right, cool. I'm going to spin my fucking blade. Do it. Ooh. OK, 17 plus 10, I think that hits. All right. 4 plus 6, so that's 10 damage. But I'm going to use my ki points to turn that into awake shit balls to try to into, oh wait, shitballs. I'm going to try to stunning strike him. Stunning strike.

That is a 25. Ha! High constitution, this duck. I know, I know, yeah. All right, cool. Then I'm going to unarmored attack him. And I'm going to use my key points to make it, to invoke my, what are the fangs called? My fangs of the fire snake.

Okay. Okay, cool. Oh yeah, that's 18 plus eight, I think that hits. That hits, go ahead and roll damage. All right, cool. Oh, that's good. All right, all right, all right, all right, all right. All right, so that's ten points, plus another eight points of fire damage there.

And I'm going to use another key point. I love these key points. Two flurry of blows. All righty. Oh, that was almost a natural 20. 14 plus eight. That hits. All right, and the second one is 11 plus eight, so 19.

Both hit. Yeah. So damage for each of those. Just bludgeoning the hell out of this mutant duck. Oh, yeah. That is 11 plus 11, 22 plus 4 is 26. 26, all right, and you have an additional attack from hands. Yes, I do, so I'm going to pop pop.

Yeah. Both, and this is still flame strikes. Well, it's one more attack. I can't do I understand. One more hit then. So it's more of a pop. It's a wait. So for this, I could make it

a face of unbroken air since it's another attack. Unbroken air. It's an extra action which you can use for a one weapon attack. Let me double check here? Unbroken arrow. It's an extra action which you can use for a one weapon attack. Let me double check here. Unbroken arrow. Holy shit. I don't know what this is, but I'm very excited.

I don't know how this works. I'm just double checking something. Apparently I don't understand how it works. The action can only be used to take the attack, one weapon attack only action, dash, disengage, hide, or use an object, so it would not be able to be used. I'm gonna hit him! Pop, let's do it! Pop! Pop!

A stingle little pop! Pop! Hang on. Oh! It doesn't hit. I don't think. Faea, what does it get? 12. 12 does not hit,

unfortunately, but that was a good round of damage. Very good run. Macaroni. Not paralyzed anymore, right? Nope. I run up behind Buddy. 30 feet. That's about as far as you can get there

as you're waiting in the water. I will use my boots of teleportation to... To the top of Buddy? 15 feet behind Buddy. Okay, so like over here? Like between him, between me, and fuck a duck.

Okay, so putting Buddy between the two of you? Yeah. Yeah, you got it. And I will use Cure Wounds at 5? Yeah. Yeah, you got it. And I will use Cure Wounds at fifth level. Friendship is magic. Ooh! 19, blah, blah, blah. And 24, 27 hit points!

Whoa. Yeah! Pretty good. Maaaaaack! points. Whoa. Yeah. Mac. Mac and me destroy this fucking duck. That's my turn. All right. And if your turn

is going to use another. Oh wait. I still have my spiritual weapon up. Can I hit him with a bonus action? You just used a bonus action to do a teleportation.

Oh that's right you did. So no you cannot. Is it a bonus? It is. It is. It is. It was worth it. All right, and your turn is going to use another legendary action to attack you with a tentacle.

Okay. That's going to be a 29 to hit. It hits! You suffer 20 points of bludgeoning damage and make a strength saving throw. You got it, bastard. 22. Yeah, buddy. There's a whole set of abilities

against the grappled creature, and all you motherfuckers keep rolling out of grapple. Except for you. It's your turn, Derry. What are you doing? I want to finish this. Come on, Terry. Observe, pupils,

how a man with fabulously expensive weapons fights. I will bonus action cast Branding Smite at fourth level on my own weapon. And I will swing my rod of mercurial form down, and as it swings down, it turns into a sword. And I will hit it with the sword. With, which causes, hold on, it's 23 to hit?

That hits. Okay, so that is, okay, okay. Seven points plus 4d6 from the spell. Come on. That makes it 29 points, plus I will use Arcane Jolt to put in another 4d6.

Oh, that's good. That's really good. Another 18 on top of that. And for my second attack... 22 to hit? Yeah. I don't think I can use the spell twice, right? That doesn't work.

No. And so I'll just roll a d8. That is another six points of damage. Plus I'll pump in my last arcane jolt. For another 18 points of damage. How do you want to do this? Yeah! I slash through it once with my sword, but then I pause for the second strike

until Doty comes closer, I slash through it once with my sword, but then I pause for the second strike until Doty comes closer, and I say, Doty, draw this. And Hazel, record it. And I call out, I am Tyrion! And I jam my sword into it.

As your blade pierces the outside of Quackthulu a second time, the blade itself sinks in deep. You can feel the radiating heat from this strange rock that has embedded itself and mutated it, and as the arcane force bursts in like a dull thud, like a depth charge, you watch the duck's eyes go wide like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man at the moment they cross the streams,

and completely explodes into a spray of green sludge the moment they cross the streams, and completely explodes into a spray of green sludge that coats the entirety of the inside of this cavern. All of you, head to toe, are now dripping with a similar dull green ooze. This is like an, we're talking early 90s Nickelodeon. Yeah. Yes. Oh, I wonder what the secret of the use is.

Boom. Lionel, Lionel. Can you hear me, Lionel? Is it you? Yeah. I'm real sorry man I'm I don't even know what happened there

I couldn't even do anything My duck left me Can I get you breakfast? Yeah You're pretty. Well, what do you suppose we got to do now? You think we got to get that... It had a weird stone in its ass, so... I guess we should reclaim that

for the strange woman who hired us for this task. Whatever it is. The stone has passed. Sorry. Sorry. Carry on. I must say, I've fought with literally the greatest adventurers of our lifetime. Destruction, please.

Sorry. Of our lifetime. Thank you. And yet today, I feel a special kinship with you people. Waiting on sound. I don't know if it's within my rights to do this, but I'm going to do it anyway.

Today, you are full members of the Darrington Brigade and also honorary members of Vox Machina. If you ever meet any of the actual members, though, just maybe don't mention that part to them. I don't know if I have that right. I do have the right to have sex with anyone in that group, though. That has been established. But let's just keep that between us.

Do you still want this all on the record? Oh, please, delete that. I grab the wax cylinder and I throw it in the water. No! I am... I'm proud. I hadn't backed up that audio yet. Oh.

I'm proud to have fought alongside of all of you. Albear, Farrowin, Hazel, Damien, Buddy, Macaroni Samsonite. You've taught me what honor is. And I feel like I've taught you something as well. Let us return with our spoils. Find the lady. Get our ten thousand gold and give it away.

Just throw it away. Just throw it away the entire battle. New cylinder. Let's go. As you all manage to harness up the stone, the fallen meteor, you begin to hand the leather reins to Buddy to carry it out, and Lionel goes,

No, no. Let me take it. This thing killed a lot of my brethren today I'm gonna honor all those tiny souls with my walk of remembrance I imagine he's walking feet out. Yeah. Like he does. Still want to love me.

Hey, Lionel. Yeah, what's up? How do you say I'm sorry in duck? What? What? What? As the crew solemnly makes their their march back to Diastok they deliver the awkward payload

to Dulan, retrieve the money they were owed, and return to Victorious to the Darrington estate. Doty, I'll need you to write out everything that happened so that I can

record it on a wax cylinder for my first ever audiobook. Terry, we're gonna be rich. Well, we'll give away all the money, but yes.

And that concludes the thrilling adventures of Tarion Darrington and the Tarion Darrington Adventure Brigade. Now, that concludes but one adventure. But that's a tale for another time. Oh no. But that's a tale for another time. Thank you all so much for coming to this insanity. Oh, that was close. Yep. Woo! Woo!

Woo! Thank you all so much for being incredible hosts here in Austin. Thank you all so much for coming out and joining us for this crazy adventure. Don't forget, we love you so much for being incredible hosts here in Austin. Thank you all so much for coming out and joining us for this crazy adventure. Don't forget, we love you very much. And is it Thursday yet? Bye, guys. Oh, hey, Ashley Johnson here, and I sure do hope you're enjoying the adventure. Remember when you first found out about Critical Role?

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