Critical Role - The Elder Scrolls Online: Blackwood - Part Three: The Golden Goose One-Shot

Episode Date: November 2, 2021

This episode is sponsored by Bethesda and ZeniMax Online Studios. Check out The Elder Scrolls Online: Blackwood right now at http://elderscrollsonline.com/buyGame Master Liam O'Brien leads a group of restaurateurs on the final installment of their adventure inspired by The Elder Scrolls Online: Blackwood!Due to the improv nature of Critical Role and other RPG content on our channels, some themes and situations that occur in-game may be difficult for some to handle. If certain episodes or scenes become uncomfortable, we strongly suggest taking a break or skipping that particular episode. Your health and well-being is important to us and Psycom has a great list of international mental health resources, in case it’s useful: http://bit.ly/PsycomResources

Hello, Critters! Welcome to our special one-shot inspired by the Elder Scrolls Online Blackwood, sponsored by our friends at Bethesda and ZeniMax Online Studios. You can check out the Elder Scrolls Online Blackwood right now at elderscrollsonline.com slash buy. Let's hop right in! Hey! Welcome to the final installment of our very special one-shot collaboration with our friends at Bethesda and ZeniMax Online Studios and their 2021 release, Elder Scrolls Online Blackwood. If you are jumping in for the first time, don't stress. The first two episodes of this series are available right now on our YouTube channel, so you can catch up after this.

If you saw the first two, welcome back. Join 19 million players in the Elder Scrolls Online, the award-winning RPG packed with adventure and exploration in an ever-growing fantasy world. The newest chapter from ESO Blackwood is available now on all platforms and is optimized for Xbox Series X, S, and PlayStation 5. The Gates of Oblivion year-long adventure is approaching an epic conclusion with the launch of the ESO Deadlands DLC coming to PC on November 1st and to consoles on November 16th.

We welcome you to join in on all the fun and please check out everything Elder Scrolls Online at elderscrollsonline.com slash buy. All right, why don't we meet our returning players for this little adventure? We'll start with you, Michelle. Welcome back. Yes, I'm gonna do it right.

The third time's a charm. My name is Michelle Winn-Bradley, and I'm playing Hua Sen. I bet there's a really cool graphic below me saying the same thing. I am playing an alt, I do it myself, manually. I am playing Hua Sen, and float,

and then you see my name on the bottom, and it does do the, what's that screen saver that won't hit the corner? Anyway, I'm playing Hwasun, and then you see my name on the bottom. And it does do the, what's that screensaver that won't hit the corner? Anyway, I'm playing Hwasun. I am an Altmer Warden, and I am also a hostess in this tavern of ours called Grelnox Skull. Subtitle, a very nice hole, and I got it in one. Yes. That's right, baby.

Proud of you, babe. Am I up? You're up, we're just going around the circle. It's my turn? Yeah. Hi, guys, I'm Lord Bailey. Today I'll be playing, I don't have a picture of my character. You don't? But I'll be playing Grelnok, and I'm going to tell you my last name today,

because why not? Lordrop. Grelnok? Lordrop. going to tell you my last name today, because why not? Lordrop. Grelnok? Lordrop. Nightbringer. Nightbringer? Nightbringer. So cool. So hardcore. Very cool.

In case you're wondering, I'm a dragon knight orc, and I play the barkeep in this here establishment. Is that your new voice? That was on the voice during the play. Oh, I like it. Are you sure it's not Grelnok? Positive. Okay. On sight. Lorde drops a good lesson.

I will fight over this. Hello! I'm Aabria Iyengar, and I'm exploring the space with my body now. Yes. Which I regret a lot. That's fine. I am Tevima, your redguard Templar, and, you know, the house bouncer.

If we're showing off our picture, this is me. Look at this forehead, y'all. That's a good crop. It's good. That can feed armies. That's right. Yeah, you're welcome. Move along. Well, all right then.

Hello, everyone. My name is Taliesin Jaffe, and I'm playing, oh, I have a picture, Mallory. The Dunmer sorcererer who is also the cook in this fine establishment. Does he have a last name? Yes. Okay.

We are not that close. I thought his last name was yes. Is it Boyardee? Mallory Boyardee? Mallory Boyardee. It might be now. Hi, everyone, I'm Sam Riegel. I will be playing your Argonian waiter named Slaughter Grimm. He looks like this now, and he's a festive, optimistic chap

who's ready to serve and hopes that you'll tip handsomely. And Liam, I'll kick it back to you to send us into tonight's game of... No, I'm not going to do it. That's your job. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. I have not sat in this chair to run a game in a while.

It's going to be fun. Why don't we dive into the world of Elder Scrolls? Bye. Well, my friends, another day has dawned here in Tamriel. Summer has given way to fall, Another day has dawned here in Tamriel. Summer has given way to fall, and along with the shifting colors of Valenwood's autumn leaves, change comes to Grotwood.

So, so much has happened since you five decided to enter the food industry together. It has been at least a year and a half since you opened the leaky jug, hole, skull, skull, skull. And the restaurant business has come with ups and downs. On the one hand, your eatery, today known as Grelnok's Skull, a really nice hole, is a fixture here in town. The good and hardworking people in this little corner of Grotwood

have come to know the Skull as a place to rest their weary bones, enjoy a drink, and a simple but satisfying meal, and discuss the goings on of their day-to-day lives and any news that comes wafting in from the Aldmeri Dominion at large. But there have been challenges. The tax burdens have been far beyond

anything you'd anticipated. Terrible. Regent's tax collector and representative for the Dominion's Department of Health and Safety, an imperious altmer by the name of Diven. Is he still alive? That's his name? Is it Diven?

I always get his name wrong. Is it D'Von or D'Von? It was definitely D'Von. It's D'Von. Kept you all It was definitely D'vin. It's D'vin. D'vin. Kept you all jumping through hoops just to stay afloat. And the property you all purchased together came with some undisclosed quirks that you began to discover over the coming months.

Between the minor labyrinth of vaults and long-forgotten ruins hidden behind the back shed you use for curing meat, to the massive chamber housing an effigy to Daedric Prince of Oblivion, Mae Runes Dagon, buried beneath the very foundations of your restaurant. Should have had an inspector.

Really should have had an inspector. Seems they left a few important details out of the fine print there. You've survived attempts on your lives by hired sellswords, fanatical cultists, and more than one stray creature of Daedric origin. But you've persevered, survived.

You even converted the deep cylindrical chamber under this place into a working wine cellar. Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah. I didn't know that. The stony, four-armed Meanie below now rests among vintages from across Valenwood and beyond. And best of all, this day is one you have curiously

been looking forward to for months. Of course we have. As summer was winding down and you were putting the finishing touches on your wine cellar, a plot of land just across the road from the skull was purchased by an orsimer gentleman by the name of Dolgen Groth.

A reserved and focused fellow, little you can tell, he seemed to swoop in overnight and begin construction of a substantially sized building across the way. His plan? To build the finest inn anyone in all of Grotwood has ever seen. Construction seemed to happen in record time,

faster than any building in recent memory, surely. But a bustling inn within stone-throwing distance can only be good for your business. Weary travelers laying their heads down across the road will want food, drink, and the warm and welcoming atmosphere of Grelnok's skull. It might take a few weeks, maybe months, but you're confident that a boost to business

is all but inevitable. And so, Hwa, Grelnok, Tavima, Mallory, and Slaughtergrim. He said our names!

Who? You are once again on the job. Would you like to throw any harebrained crazy changes to the establishment that have happened in the last two months? Now is the job. Would you like to throw any hair-brained crazy changes to the establishment that have happened in the last two months? Now is the time. Absolutely. The entire exterior now is artfully charred wood

as a beautiful homage to that time we burnt it down a little bit on purpose. So it's got a really almost Nordic vibe, very sleek and dark. And I think it suits us. This looks really good. Yeah. Inside, as business has grown a little bit,

I invested in a second living tray. So now you might see two living trays whipping around the establishment, Rex and Rax. Rex and Rax. They're both clubbing. They hate this. It's lovely. So Rax is a little bit more moody, I think,

than Rex, but youody, I think, than Rex. But, you know, the customers, they really can't tell them apart at all. And they get shit done. They do, they do. I've definitely expanded the menu a bit more. We're trying to become more full service so that there's actually a more complicated fare that's available.

I've also been delving into cocktails and have been pushing on you some maybe monthly cocktail ideas that I have. I've been turning them down every time. I've got two I'm really proud of that I'm ready to. Yeah, not happening. I made my own little placard for the, I made my little cards.

Thank you. I got more. I printed, you have to print 100 minimum. I cleared the bar area of the rats that had been living behind it, just in cases. Got some new dishrags to clean with. That's a big up. Wow. That's great.

For sure. Are we higher now? Clean dishrags. Is that it? Yeah. Oh, that's amazing. I also wash them on occasion now. And you throw all of Mallory's cards into the fire, which keeps it nice and warm in here.

It helps cut down on burning wood costs. I have installed, even though it's about to be the death's winter, I thought it'd be very magical if we could have outdoor seating. So I've magically constructed some heating devices that are imbued with fire, so people may sit outside and sort of like a, it's almost like a translucent cover So I've magically constructed some heating devices that are imbued with fire, so people may sit outside and sort of like a,

it's almost like a translucent cover that covers the edges so that the heat is trapped in and they can enjoy nature outside amongst the falling snow and the big fire pole right behind them that keeps them warm. It's nice. Look, I've said it before and I'll say it again. I don't know how to throw people out of outside already.

You shouldn't be throwing them, but you can throw people inside outside. I gesture to the window. It's a part of this. I'll keep that part clear by that window, so you can still throw people out, but the people in my area, the outside area. People in your area can also be rowdy.

Brunch people are the worst. Okay. That's true. That's true. Maybe, what if there was a pit? Okay, I like it. Okay. I go grab a shovel. And then we made a pit that we throw rowdy customers into outside of this heating area that is nicely warmed. The complaint pit.

The skull. Just throw it in the complaint pit. Well, it's a lazy early evening in the Skull. Place is usually a little quiet this night of the week, but there's actually a fair bit of foot traffic tonight. There's a pair of Dominion soldiers sitting at a table by Tavima's original stained glass window, having drinks over a game of cards. A decent-sized group of leather-clad Bosmer in from the nearby woods to the north, warming themselves by the fire. It has been getting chillier of late.

In fact, one of them, a younger-looking Bosmer, gets up from the table, dodges as the two trays, Rex and Rax, figure eight around each other past him, strides up to you and says, Oi, what you recommend? Ale. That's the end of that story. Wine. Grelnok, if I may, now might be a nice opportunity

to upsell to one of Mallory's cocktails. Yeah. I like cocktails. Hold on one second. I pull a piece of really dirty paper from the ground and dust it off. This one's got a mead. Berry juice. It's a Nerd Hatton!

A nerd, it's called a Nerd Hatton. Not nerd. Nerd! Nerd! A Nerd Hatton. It's the planet we live on. And it's blueberry mead! That's a stupid name!

Is it? The planet we live on? I think that's outdated, isn't it? No, I'm pretty sure that the planet that we live on, I think that's outdated, isn't it? No, I'm pretty sure that the planet that we live on is nerd. All right, well, I'll take one of them, a cider and two arrow to the knees. I like your style. Thanks.

Mallory! Yeah! Get out here! I come out running, just covered in some sort of terrible, terrible red stained juice that is just, clearly something's gone horribly wrong. Make your fucking drinks. I've been waiting for this.

Waiting for this. I pour the cider. I got the cider. I go and I very carefully balance the blueberry mead, trying to get a thin layer of vermouth on top, and then a little spiked toothpick with individual blueberries, and then sprinkle some sort of weird powder on top,

it's a secret, and gently put it forward. Mind if I sample the merchandise? Mind if you pay fucking first? SAM and LAURA laugh We had a tab going, but here you go. Puts two coins down. Don't forget the tip. Ooh, that's nice. That'll put bark on the hide.

Yeah, all right, we'll take a round of those for the whole table, if that's all right. Ah! Forget the ale. I mean, I'll take a round of those for the whole table, if that's all right. Ah! Forget the ale. I mean, I'll still pay for them. Who's cooking while you do this drink too slow? Yeah. Oh, for fuck's sake, and I go running back. Fuck!

Ah! And I try to start making what I saw him make. And don't forget, I go over to the customers. Don't forget that the tagline for those drinks is, it's Nirn-a-clock somewhere. Because it's called the Nirn-hatn. That's catchy with ancient language. That's cool. Make a performance check on the drinks, please.

Ah! Performance! Can I give advantage? Because I'm also helping. I saw he was holding a spoon, so I'm holding a spoon. Okay. While you try to float. Absolutely. Yeah.

Count on me. Count on to me, man, always give me that advantage. Yeah, yeah. Ah, ah, ah. 12. Okay. Okay. A one and a two combined.

Wait a minute. You know, it's a little pulpier than the first one, but still getting the job done. But you like it that way. Yes, ma'am, I do like it that way. He takes his drink and goes back. I could get the hang of this. Yeah, you did a good job. I'll approach the, those are the Bosmers.

I'll approach the soldiers, right? There's Dominion soldiers. Couple of Dominion soldiers. Damn it, that's three hands in a row! Excuse me. Hello, hi. Bosmer. Bosmers. I'll approach the soldiers, right? There's Dominion soldiers? Couple of Dominion soldiers. Damn it, that's three hands in a row! Excuse me, hello, hi. My name is Slaughtergram. I'll be your waiter this evening.

Can I help you with anything? Tell you about any specials or get you something to drink to whet your whistle, if you will? Good with ease, but what you got to eat today? Anything new? To eat? Boy, I really should have checked with Mallory before I came on over here, huh? Mallory does have some seasonal dishes

that he's been preparing as we transition into the autumn and winter seasons. Mallory. You're not pushing that plowman's special anymore, are you? The plowman's special is more of a spring-summer, and really, it's far too early for the pork, but Mallory, sorry, I'm vamping out here. The jug rabbit's not going very well!

Tell him to get the parrot and pumpkin salad! I hear that the parrot and pumpkin salad is quite fresh. How'd you get a rabbit in a jug? You know, I asked him something very similar earlier today. Apparently, it's like a jellied dish. They shove a rabbit in a jug with some jelly and it preserves it for a long time. You guys going to talk together?

We want two of the jugs with the rabbits in it. Oh no. And a pair of those Nerf habits. All right, yes, sir, right away. I'll be right back. I'm so sorry, I steered them away from the jug rabbit, but that's what they want. I...

It did not go well. It did not go well. Can you just overspice it or something? So I'm going to take what, I made my own private performance roll on this particular dish. It did not go well. So this is a six is what you're getting.

Okay. It is a jellied meat with a little side of juniper salad. I put more juniper on there to hopefully hide the smell of something that definitely didn't pickle the way it was supposed to. And I'm just going to throw as much seasoning as humanly possible on this.

And just for fun, I'm going to add a spiced carrot cake along with it, just to hopefully, just. I will send the tray over with Vax. I'm sorry. Vrax, with Vrax. Real true, real true. Sorry, sorry. With Vrax. Oh my god.

And while Vrax is making the delivery, I will go up to get their drinks from Grelnok. Grelnok, hey, while we have a second, have you given any more thought to my proposal? I just feel like I have seniority here. I put in a lot of hours. I mean, we all have seniority. We all start at the same time,

but in the waitstaff, anyway, I am the highest ranking. Tell you what, stop. So if I could get a managerial position. You know what? I will put you as head waiter. Is there a pay increase or any sort of? No, but you are now in charge of cleaning the bar top as well. Please take these drinks over to the table.

I rolled an 11 on making those ones. Slightly worse than the previous batch. Here you are, soldier, sergeant, captain. Put it down. All right. Everything all right with the Dominion? You know, shit as usual. It's a job.

Those jugs ready? Oh yes, didn't the tray bring them over? Oh boy, I've got to go find them. I'm going to put the tray over on the side. Wait, is it the boy? Give me a scritches under. Oh, hey, hey. Oh, I think the tray needs to go to table two.

It'll get there when it gets there. Who's a good boy? Who's my handsome platter? It's just, I'm up for this promotion, and I really need to just show that I'm doing a really good job. Oh, okay. What's that smell?

Is that the food? It does smell weird. Oh, that's me. What? Wait, what? After I molt. Did you molt again? No, I don't molt again, but as is canon lore with my people. Oh no.

We undergo an odor change that lasts some time. It's been a long time since you molted. Yeah, no, it's a period of years where we will smell a slightly different. You got to get me up to date on what you do. I can't undo it, so it'll be like this for a while. At that uncomfortable moment, the front door jingles open, and two Grotwood locals come in mid-argument.

Well, you can tell him to keep his nose out of it. I've enough trouble tending my own fields. I'm not going to waste any time tending him. Got enough on my plate. See, right? Well, at least the Dominion's been keeping their nose out of things lately. Been a nice change from the constant shakedown

we normally get. I can drink to that. Bottle of red. We'll, albeit the heat lamps outside. And they just exit back out the door. Oh, wow, that's your dominion out there. Okay. Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. Bottle of red, please.

Oh, oh. Cuts! Okay, okay. Oh, psh! Yeah, one's good, one's down. Okay, okay. Crafty glasses. I don't know what you're talking about.

It sounds fascinating. That was their private business. They are just customers here for a reprieve from Find out, find out, find out, find out. Gossip, I want the hot kids. Okay. We all need to know, please. Okay. Who's cooking?

Who is cooking? Go cook, please! Fix the rabbit! Is it just me, or Mallory's getting worse at this? A little bit. Yeah. I know everyone has a bad day. I open the door, go outside. Hello, here is your bowl full of reds.

Here are two glasses. I will wipe up that. There's just red everywhere. Okay, all right. Hello, what brings you to our lovely little corner of the world? Well, the Plough field about two acres over that way, so, you know, the balls are cold as hell,

and I wanted to get, can we get that mold? Um, I don't know what that means, but thank you for giving me information about your daily life. It's so interesting to hear about the lives of humans. What's mold? What's mold? Hey, what's mold? Will you hot the wine?

Hot spices! Make it hotulled? Hey, what's mulled? I open. Will you hot the wine? Hot spices! Make it hot, okay. Oh, understood. I put the bottle of wine. Why are they outside? I open up the fire lamp thing. I just put the bottle in. Then I'll be ready in five minutes.

You can just grab it. It'll be great. Let me ask you something. How come your cook's never in the kitchen? I think he's exploring a different way of serving the guests. So he's sort of checking if maybe doing, what's it called? Mixingology is for him, but maybe it's food.

Anyway, it's going through a growth period right now. All of us, really. I don't know anything about magic, as to see it going over my head. Um, oh, I meant drinks. I don't really know why the cook's not in there. We should probably get a second. We had another person, his name was Timothy,

but he turned out to be, like, bad news. And what were you saying about the Dominion? I'm supposed to, was it ask you about it? He just nods, squinting his eyes, and doesn't say anything. And after a three-second beat, there's a large, he rips a large fart. Humans are so interesting.

I've been here about five minutes. I just stare, I grab the wine. Here's your hot, hot wine. There you go. I mean, it's fine to me, but it's hot. Okay. Yes. Okay. Puts two silver down. Oh, oh, thank you.

Would you like any food from the kitchen? I could... Oh, you know, last time I came in, I had the plowing special. It didn't sit too well, so I'm going to sit this one out. Okay. It's seasonal, more of a spring, summer thing. So, I mean, we don't have that this time around, but... Well, that's what they gave me, so maybe it came out of a back room or something.

You know, there's no telling how things get fuzzy from one room to another. Who knows? Okay, I'll let you go. If you want anything, just holler. And you know, just if you see a tall, statuesque Tavima-named person out here, then just be on your best behavior,

lest you end up in the ditch. That is my name. That's how you recognize Tavima. Yeah. That name. Do we have name tags now? Ooh. Absolutely. Maybe you should get on that.

Yeah! Get the birds to start pecking them. With some flair. You have to print 100, though. Yeah, the birds are back, by the way. I forgot to mention theycking them. With some flair. You have to print 100, though. Yeah, the birds are back, by the way. I forgot to shoot their back. Well. Service is going well, I guess.

You all right, bud? I'm fine, I'm just. Buck up, coleslaw. And I just give you two heart attacks each other. Well, I'm looking forward to, you know, another one of our hangouts. I mean, yeah, but you don't have to say it loud. I don't, I didn't realize our hangouts were secret.

Everyone knows we're super cool, but you don't have to be thirsty about it. Like, it's cool, we're cool. Yeah, yeah, we're just cool, chill buds. You smell wild right now. What is happening? It gets worse. It really does.

Is this forever? No, I mean, I've never gone through it before, but I feel like it's a good year, better part of a year. Oh, right. Of just a lot of different... Should I wear a cologne? It's a challenging odor,

and I'm worried about your tips, you know? Oh yeah. Hold on. And I grab some of the excessive juniper berries that spilled on the ground when I was playing with Rex. And I just mush them on you. Oh, for sure, performance check. Oh no. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Please don't make me roll. Oh shit. That's a four, I got a four. I did a four. There we go. Right on target. Kind of has like a Friday the 13th murder costume vibe. Where are you spreading this on my body? Chest and shoulders, baby.

Chest and shoulders. Chest and shoulders. Like Vicks? Yeah. Ooh! Is that a jingle? Cool, cool. Ugh. Okay, all right.

Maybe my body will sort of activate it. Ooh, something's gotta. Okay. Yeah. Sorry. Ooh, something's got to. Okay. Yeah. Sorry. No, no apologies necessary. You know, if I still stink, just keep trying with different aromas till you can mask it. Ooh.

Consent. Because I want to spend time with you. I open the door. Speaking of smells. Whoa, whoa, private conversation. Oh, I don't know when it's not. I'm kidding, you're good. Speaking of smells. Whoa, whoa, private conversation. Oh, I don't know when it's not. I'm kidding, you're good. Okay, so you all yelled at me to listen.

He farted and asked for hot wine and that was all the information. Did I do it right? I did ask him about the, no? How much about us did you tell him? I might've let's talk about Timothy. All right. It's a lot. It's a work in progress. I'm going to wander back out from the kitchen.

I think the long fin is fine. What's long fin? I may have overextended myself with the new menu. It might be, I might have added a bit much. I don't, I'm not saying I miss Timothy, but... We killed him. I could really use some help. You could use some help?

Someone that possibly, like a managerial type could put out an ad and hire some new people, possibly? I don't want to pay anyone else. That's a very fair point. We could let Slyr do it. You want to go back and help him? No, no, it's horrible back there. I know, I like to engage with the locals.

I was talking about, if I were to be promoted to manager, then I could do a job-seeking endeavor and maybe hire someone to go back and. Couldn't you just do that anyway? I mean, why would that? Yeah, you know what? But you would cover it until you hired him.

That is part of the job description of the head waiter. Oh. Are you head waiter now? I am head waiter. Fucking congratulations. I was promoted. Yeah. Thanks, Krellnok. I'll get on that as well. Does that come with a pay bump or anything? No, it doesn't.

Oh, thank god. Thank god. The front door suddenly clatters open again. Ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling. A third Dominion soldier comes running in out of breath. Hoi, Jamie, Alduin, come on! That place across the road finally opened up its doors to giving out free food and drink. You got to see this!

Suddenly, there is a cacophony of chairs scraping along the floor, of coin clattering onto tables in a rush. The pair of soldiers ditch so fast, they leave without remembering to scoop up their cards and their coin, and they're out the door in a flash. And in mere seconds, Grelnok's skull is empty. Low karma hit immediately. seconds, Grelnok's skull is empty.

Oh, karma hit immediately. Why didn't we realize that the inn would have food? Oh, for fuck's sake. I thought it was just a stay place, lodging only, no? Can we peek our heads out the window and look at what's happening out there? I'm halfway out the door. Oh wait, did you hear? There was free food across the street.

Oh, you guys want to come? Hwa, as you open the front door, the first thing that hits you is the smell. The crisp night air is alive with the maddeningly delicious smell of cooking both sweet and savory. You make out simmering meats and fresh baking and are nearly intoxicated with the aroma.

And you're not the only ones. Folk from all about these parts are here tonight, milling about the entrance across the road, smiling and talking excitedly about this new development as they crowd in under a newly unveiled wooden sign lit by lanterns. On either side above the entrance, it sports a shining golden waterfowl with the words,

The Golden Goose, Inn and Eatery. No! Ah! Golden Goose? Mallory, you said when food is cooking, it smells bad! I don't know what they're doing in there, but I don't like it. Golden Goose. It's only a goose.

It's a good name that... It smells so good. It's an alliteration. You could tell your family about it without any... Why do you smell like the Jug Rabbit? It's a big day for smells for all of us today, I think. This is a problem. What are we going to fucking do? Why don't we put our stinky friend in front of it? I mean, fire solved our last problem. I don't know. Wait a problem. What are we going to fucking do? Why don't we put our stinky friend in front of it?

I mean, fire solved our last problem. I don't know. Wait a second. We can't just burn down the neighbors, all right? That is a good point. We should send you out there. Just go stand in front of it. Someone has to do some reconnaissance first.

Yeah, you go do it. I'm in uniform. They'll know I'm coming from across the way. You're wearing a uniform? Change your clothes? Isn't this our uniform? I've been wearing the same green vest for a year and a half. I thought that was just a choice you were making.

Is that why you smell? Do you? Go ahead. Are any of us wearing the same vest? Seriously, take the vest off! The waitstaff here wears the vest. You are the only waitstaff. I know, but I thought this was a thing that we agreed to. Did I make this up?

Uh, yeah. All right. My guy, we did the robes that we found. Oh god, it's cracking. Oh! Cracking. It let out more. Oh! Oh no. It's hot, it's cracking. Cracking. It let out more. Ooh. Oh no. It's hot, it smells hot.

Should I light more candles? I don't think it's as bad. You both have enough. I don't think it's as bad. Get over here, come here. I feel uncomfortable. Your eyes are watering. It's a different smell. I don't know if it's better.

The door swings open and a really tall, strapping snack of a man with black hair, shiny black hair, comes walking in. He's wearing a leather vest. He's really big, and he pauses immediately as he comes in, both at the sight and the smell, right inside the door. I'm sorry, am I interrupting anything?

Welcome. Welcome. Join us, have some food, drink. No, I don't think I'll stay, but my employer, Mr. Groth, has sent me over to invite you fine folk over and see what we've done with the place. Well, we're pretty busy with our service for tonight, but if we get a second, we'll pop over to see

what you got. Sure, sure. Just passing on the word. What's your name? What's your name? What's your name? Rennix. Rennix. Rennix? Rennix. It's a good name. It's a good name. It's a fucking great name.

Anyway, I'm on duty, so I got to go. What do you do? I'm the muscle across the way. I snap whatever's in my hand. He actually holds on you for a second, for like a three count. Ma'am. I blush and look away. He walks out the door. holds on you for a second for a three count. Oh. Man. I blush and look away.

He walks out the door. It's an emo. I got to go to the bathroom. I got to go to the bathroom. What? I got to poo. Is that in character or not? It's in character. She's very good at flirting.

What the fuck was that? I thought you and her were... I mean, I don't know what I thought, but that guy is really handsome. Yeah. I did have a vibe. It's very hot. It was hot.

I'm still putting it out there. I feel like fire would really, really solve this problem. I just want everyone to keep it literally on the back burner. All right. Thank you. Should we go? After VyVy's back, we should maybe go over there and I guess accept his invitation to be neighborly.

What if they poison us? Oh, wow. You're like one with nature, right? You can probably taste something and know if it's poison? I mean, that sounds like something I could do. Your birds could? Oh! Canary in the coal mine sort of thing?

I mean, I could just check with smells. Great. Yeah. Yeah. They wouldn't do that. Why would they poison us if they're doing so well? I'm pooping. Oh god. It's going to take a while. Tavima!

Grelnok, do you want to go knock or anything? I might. No, she's fine. We can go over first. Yeah, we can go. No, but the gentleman specifically ma'amed Tavima. He did. I think it was special. I can hear you from the bathroom.

We're just waiting for you to get out of the bathroom, so we'll just stand here until you're done. I'll just go over to the bathroom and knock on the door. Yeah. Hey. Hey. Wait, I'm confused. Because you're... Look, I ate some of the jelly stuff earlier,

and then he winked at me and my tummy fluttered. Yeah, no, I get it, I get it. He's fucking hot. Yeah. But I thought you were hanging out with Slaughter. He's like a brother to me. Also, weren't you guys going to go on a hike or something? I thought you guys were fucking. Okay, no!

No. All right. So you're going to get it on with a fucking enemy? I don't know, I have to poop, so I'm pretty sure I'm done here. Keep pooping! No, just give me a minute. We're out of toilet paper. Can you go get toilet paper?

Goddamn! I just pull one of the bar rags from my waist. Don't put it in the pipes! You know what happened last time? I walk back out with it, like, this is worse. Throw it in the back. This is why we have no customers. Let's fucking go get some good food.

Change into something slightly cleaner so I'm not covered in a failed jugged rabbit. I'm going to represent our establishment if we're going over there. You cannot put that back online. It shattered, I think. All right, should we stroll over? Yeah, we should go. Sure.

It would be neighborly. We should put up something, just close for a second. Oh, a sign. Close for a second. You put a note on there saying, our food's better than any inn in town. Be right back. Our food is better than anyone else's in town, asterisk.

We're checking to make sure that's a true statement, but we will be just right back in a moment. Heart, heart. Let's go. Everyone is heading across the road? Yeah. Yeah. Okay, all right, well. But casually.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do we need our weapons? Hold on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I go back in, I grab my axe from over the bar, or my mace, or whatever the fuck I have. I don't remember. Be anything. It was given to me by my father, whatever it is.

I've got my walking stick, I'm fine. Click! Bandolier of Skull. Thank you for getting. Like, his flare is wild. Okay. This is a flare. So you stride away from the skull, missing the old man at the outdoor table who lets another one rip from six feet behind you

and you make your way. We'll be back. Keep drinking. I'll keep nursing this one. Thank you. Can't believe he stayed there. Yeah, that's why. It's warm. So there are crowds of people all about the outside of the Golden Goose

and they're moving in, they're moving out. You see people holding all kinds of pastries in their hands and holding turkey legs. And you arrive, you push your way in through the crowd and you arrive at a front desk, which is just adorned with flowers, gorgeous flowers, and find a woman stationed there with dark brown hair, dressed in like a dark brown robe,

speaking to an older Breton man with a very long gray beard and shaggy hair. And she speaks in what you make out to be a Nordish accent. Oh, hello there. May I help you? Yeah, I've been traveling south a few days and meant to push on, but I spotted your place and was wondering if you're offering any rooms yet. Think I'll settle my bones down here for the night.

Oh, splendid. We are just so happy to have you here. You are our very first guest here at the inn and we'll put you in the best room we have. Please come in, enjoy our grand opening. All your food and drink is on the house tonight. Oh, that's wonderful. He heads into the crowd.

And then you guys are next in line. She sees you. Oh, hello. Welcome. Welcome, we are just so happy to see you. You're from this part of Groudwood, or? I am the hostess of Grelnok's Skull, a very nice hole directly across the street.

You can see our- That's funny because we have the same job. Oh, yeah, it's not funny. It's just the restaurants have the, you were a restaurant, we were here first, but how do you do, how is it that you are able to offer free food to everyone on this day?

Oh, I don't know how the business works here. I've only been on for one week. This is like, you know, I'm passing through and looking for work and they hired me and here I am. And I'm just so lucky to be here. I'm so happy to meet all of you. She's so nice. She's really pleasant. I really like her. What's your name?

Oh, Vendla. Fendla. Yeah. Well, congratulations on the job. It seems like you went from nothing to having the job of your dreams. Just really, really fast. Is Fendla also super hot? As hot as Rennix? She's more pixie-ish.

She's sort of like a Skyrim Bjork, I'd say. That's so cute. She's really cute. She's really cute. Yeah, it's so lucky to get a job when you need one. They're so hard to come by in today's age. Yeah, they are hard to come by. I know, all I see is Bjork talking. Well, we wish you luck with your endeavors.

We were invited here by a fellow named Renex to enjoy your offerings so that we may compare them to ours, the very best in town. Oh, well, there's many things to choose from. We have all kinds of pies and pastries and any kind of meat you can think of. They even make a gazpacho, which is something I learned what that is this week.

Maybe a cold soup. It's soup, but they don't cook it. Well, should we get a table and then peruse the menu, maybe? Oh, well, tonight only, it's seating anywhere. It's more of a buffet and they're handing things out and you can mill about. It's like a big party. You don't seat people on a specific table

meant only for them in this moment? Oh, well, that is the plan, but just not tonight, because we are so excited to share our new establishment with the Grutwood. Okay, then we'll just wander in and sit anywhere. Sure. Buffet? We're just going to make you sit. I mean, why would you have shared food

that everyone's touching in the middle of winter? It just doesn't make any damn sense. Does she seem fake nice or genuinely nice? Make an insight check. Yeah! Yeah! Sure. Yeah! Restaurant business insight check.

I rolled really low! Four! Your hair is so pretty. Thank you. on Business Insight Check. I rolled really low! Four! Your hair is so pretty! Thank you. Does it take a long time to do that? Well, it did when I did it, but it hasn't taken a long time since then because I haven't brushed my hair in a few.

Well, if you're in town, maybe you could show me how to do it. I would like very much to try it sometime. That's great. Sure. I mean, yeah, I could do that. We have much to eat, but I recommend you get in there because the best will go first.

Okay, all right, let's go. Where's Rennix? I'm just doing a little scan. Just a little scan. It's really crowded. Make an investigation check. Please, no. Don't make this. I'm assisting her. Oh god, you too.

You too. Everyone's getting really weird and I like it. I agree. 12. That's very high for me. You see him for a split second over by the very, very packed bar, and there's a door to the left behind it,

and you can't even see the bar, except you're seeing glasses getting raised up, and a bottle flips up from behind the crowd, and then he disappears into that door into the back. In due time. Or let's do a lap. Let's do a lap. Let's do a lap. And as you do that lap,

you find yourself practically packed into a gorgeous, gleaming dining area. There are cozy nooks and booths on all sides, and a roaring, crackling fire, and everything, everywhere is cottagecore to the nth degree. It is downright magical inside. In the heart of it all, you see a very, very tall

Orgonian woman with silvery scales catching the firelight, a giant, quirked smile on her face, carrying two massive, precariously stacked trays of food as if there was no trick at all. And the people around her just brighten, largely due to the free food, but also just, she has a really infectious smile that she shares with the entire room. Okay, I have a fresh round of cranberry tarts.

Get them while they're hot, and I want you all to try the pumpkin cake and brown butter maple frosting. Watch your backs, confectionary's coming through. She almost bumps into you, Slaughter. Oh, hey, how's by you? Oh, hi, looks like you, Slaughter. Oh, hey, how's by you? Oh, hi. Looks like you're overwhelmed tonight.

Nah, this is good. It's the best exercise I got. I see your hands are empty. Are you hungry? We have an amazing ricotta and citrus upside down crumb cake in the kitchen right now, or maybe? Sounds amazing.

It sounds perfect. Are you one of the wait staff here? Possibly low ranking? No, I'm the head waitress. First day on the job, huh? I've been here about a week, but it's all been behind closed doors. Yep. Yep.

Just so grateful to be here. I mean, I- What's your name? Oh, Mangla. Mangla. Mangla. Mangla Mordred. Can I sneak up behind Mangla and give her a sniff-a-la? What? For realsies?

Yeah, I just want to walk behind her and. A little pass and whiff? Make a perception check. That's what Scrolls Online is all about, the smell check. Yeah. Goddamn, why? Why? I can't smell. You're going to smell why? Why? I can't smell.

You're going to smell her, too? I rolled a 10. Maybe I'm disgusted by all the delicious food. You are overwhelmed by the scent of fudge and battered things and brown sugar, and she's even got a gelato on the end of one tray. She has everything, and she says, You know what?

I'd love to get to know you. I mean, I work here, so maybe we'll see each other around town, see you in a bit! She spins away through the crowd. I got a cake before she took off. Right as she walked away, I was still sniffing, and then I caught a smell of slaughter instead. I pick a juniper berry off my chest.

Heading towards the so-called buffet. Oh, yeah. Let's get the expert opinion. Shoving my way there. Sure, sure. There's actually three buffet tables at various places in the room, and one is completely covered with,

there's a whole suckling pig with an apple in its mouth, and it's just overwhelming how good it smells. And there's pheasant, there's goose and there's duck, ton of poultry on the table. On the other one directly across the way is there's several cakes frosted high. There's a, what is that called? Black forest cake, chocolate cake, deep and rich.

And then the last one is just, the last buffet is several punch bowls. Like crystal. Mallory, get ricotta. This is amazing. I know ricotta's amazing. Are you thinking straight ricotta? No, I found the ricotta cake. Oh. And I don't know what part is ricotta,

but whatever it is, this is so moist. Here. Oh, he said moist. It's good, though. Going to go in for a little of the pheasant. Mm-hmm. Piece of cake and whatever is the most interesting looking of the punches.

Thank you. There is a dark blue punch, actually. That has a raspberry and a mint at the same time smell to it. And you can just get the barest whiff of alcohol on it as well. Fuck, it's good. I throw the cup down.

You want some of the cake? Yeah. Yes. Yeah, here you go. Mallory. Where's all the jellied meat? Yes, they seem to be back. Clearly they have a staff. Clearly they have six people back there who've been working for a week.

Baking like this doesn't just happen. Baking doesn't happen. I'm going to try to flag down Mangala? Mangala. She said Mangala Mordred. Mangala. Oh. Mangala, hi, I know you're going, just real quick.

How, what's this, kitchen staff look back there? How many you got back there? I'm not going to answer any questions until you try this. Try this. Okay. She hands you a little tarp. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god, a little tarp. Oh my god, oh my god. Oh my god, it's so good.

Oh my god, it's so good. Try that. Fuck. Fuck! Fuck, you're all worried about things being poisoned. Are we past that now? Oh shit, I forgot about all of that. Oh no, 100%.

Yeah, it's too good. I just dip my tankard into the punch bowl and I'm walking away with it. So it is poison, Mallory. Poison for my soul. Also, just to clarify, when you're talking to her, you're looking up.

She is quite tall and she finally answers the question. She says, oh, you know, it's actually kind of a light crew right now. I'm the only waitress on staff right now, although they plan to bring on one or two as business picks up. And Groth, who owns the place, he's a chef, too.

You should watch him work. He's just, he's an artist. Thanks. Thank you, thank you. Thank you. Is there a window on the door? Is it one of those, can you peek into the kitchen, or do I have to open the door?

No, but it opens and closes at least once a minute, and you do catch a sight of this shortish orsimer man who has got a very serious look on his face, and you can't see what he's doing down below, but he looks very focused as he prepares something. You know, Liam, I know what an orsimer is.

But for the people at home who don't. This is important. Well, Laura Bailey is playing an orcimer. Okay. Oh, thank god. Cool. Obviously. All right, great. I'm going to just write that on my character sheet. As it scrolls out, a line!

Okay, good. You hear a big barrel-chested voice say, Oh god. It doesn't score a whole nine. You hear a big barrel-chested voice say, all right, all right, enough, enough. What? I didn't do nothing! And you see Rennix dragging this floppy-haired, blonde, maybe late teens kid through the crowd. All right, you've had enough. Come on, we're going outside.

No, I didn't even do nothing! I was just asking what her name was. I'm so into it. He's just dragging it past you. Excuse me, ma'am, I was doing my job. He drags the kid out the door. Gone again. Did they harm her?

I hope so. We should go talk to him. It was a boy. Oh, it was a boy. I hope so. Why don't you go see what he did? I'm going to do a look out the window. I'm looking, yeah. I'm just watching out the window.

He's one-handing the kid's neck and just drags him out into the road and gets him here, and you can't make out the words, but he's like, the kid's just like, I think he's giving this dude therapy. Then he leads him up the road a bit and around the corner and just points,

and the kid just walks ahead. Good form. And the guy's just watching him go. He follows after. Oh. He follows after. Hold on, I'll be right back. Oh. I just want to know what the-

Hey, hey, hey, are you okay? I think I'm good. I'll yell if I die of poisoning or whatever, but I'll be back in a minute. I just want to see what's happening. I don't know. And I take a sip of your punch and I run into the knight and try to stealth

and see what's going on. You want to sneak over? I do. Stealth check. Please don't make me have to roll. Stealth check! Can't we just do this with our minds? Because I like her so much. Nah.

No? No advantage? Okay. It was a natural 20 if that would count. Oh, okay, okay, great. But instead it is a nine, yeah. Oh. Natural 20. But instead it's a nine. I got a nine, Liam, because you let my friend help me.

So you, she's back in the place. There are no friends here. Aw. We're telling a story together. You creep your way over to the edge of the inn and place your hand up and turn around. And you look and see that he's down on one knee and he's holding this kid's hair back

and the kid is just like ralphing all over the base of a tree. And then you accidentally knock a lamp right next to you and it clatters and you make a big clatter at the corner of the building. He just looks back. You good? I just wanted to make sure everything was okay.

I mean, I guess I'm fine. Although there are better ways to spend a night. Oh god. Why are you like this? You all right, kiddo? No! I'll be in a minute. Yeah, okay.

I do a lap in the cold. I've got to cool down. This is too much. I'll be back eventually. Okay. The rest of you inside notice, for a brief moment, the bar has been swamped all this time, but it clears just a little bit, and you, for a brief moment, see a beautifully crafted bar

with gleaming brass fixtures coming into clearer view as the press of people ebbs for a moment, if only for a bit, and you finally spot the barkeep. You see a woman with long, lustrous blonde hair who is the center of attention as several local men and one woman watch in rapt attention as she pours drinks with extreme panache,

very much like Tom Cruise in Cocktail. She seems to be in the middle of a joke or story and all the admirers laugh as if on cue. very much like Tom Cruise in Cocktail. She seems to be in the middle of a joke or story and all the admirers laugh as if on cue. And a fiery-haired young Ultima child just happens to run through the crowd, laughing face smeared with cranberry tart at that moment, goes running in front of the bartender,

disappears through the door into the kitchen, and Triss just yells out, the woman yells out, her name's Triss, Rennix! Rennix! Rennix! And Mangalos is like, I think he went outside. He, you know, doing his thing.

Tell him we got a runner. Can you take care of him? Yeah, all right, hold on. She comes up to you. Could you hold these? Yes, she puts two massive trays in your hand. Dexterity check. Okay. Straight dexterity.

Can I help? Four. Wait, oh no. That's so bad! That's fine. We're the worst at everything! Manglet is making her way through the crowd and you got one because it's about to go.

You give it more support and the other one just goes, boop, off your hand. Don't do this! 20 trays of things, 20 plates of things just go breaking across the floor in the middle of the crowd and the whole crowd goes, Hey! I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Mangla turns around.

It's all right. No, it's really not. Let me get a rag and then the door. I'll take care of it. You take care of your business. By the waiter's code, I will, it's really not. Let me get a rag and then the door. I'll take care of it. You take care of your business. By the waiter's code, I will fix this, I will. Is there a Grotwood code that I should know about? No, just, I will solve this. It's my duty.

All right. She seems impressed. All right. First off, I'll pass the tray around, the other tray that I managed to keep, while looking for some sort of bar towels or any cleaning supplies around as I'm gleefully passing the hors d'oeuvres. Oh, what are the ingredients in this one? It's a vegetarian profiterole.

That's not beef? You would think. I got to keep going. Rennix comes back into the place and the woman at the bar is just like, Renn, come on, there's a kid in the back. Groth is going to blow his stack. And he puts his sleeves up and is like, all right, all right, I'll get on it, sheepishly,

and pushes his way through the crowd, disappears into the kitchen. And are you still continuing around? I'm looking for a bar rag that I can grab so I can go back and wipe off the floor and stuff. There's a couple sitting on the bar. I go back and so with one hand up, I'm going to try to clean up the mess

and put the the brokens back on the tray. I've kicked around the food a little bit in the meantime. Just spread it around? Yeah. Okay. On accident? So it's a whole bunch of little spots, not one big spot. All right. I'm trying.

You better make another dex save to keep that other tray up in the air. Oh no! 17. So your foot skids in some mashed potato along the floor, which was just spread as if a toddler had smeared it, and you almost lose it, but twist your arm around

and get the right leverage underneath, and sweating, hold it, and Mangal is over by the bar going, All right, I try to clean everything up as best I can and go take the soiled tray back to the kitchen. Oh, sure. The door opens up and Rennix is there with this little kid and the kid's holding a tray of desserts and his face is just smeared red

with what you assume is cranberry. Oh, all right, all right. I don't think we have an opening or anything right now, but. It's all right. I do this on my honor. Okay, so Renik sidesteps with the kid and starts to usher the kid out through the crowd. You step into a kitchen and the door swings shut behind you.

I just saw this happen. I'm going to follow it. I've had a plate and I have not stopped looking at that door. I'm heading in now that I've seen him go in. You're going to step in behind? Yeah, just right behind. Suddenly, the two of you are in a foreign kitchen, which is brand new, spotless,

clean pots and pans hanging along the wall, fresh vegetables as far as the eye can see in straw and wicker bowls, and a man of eminent focus just chopping in front of you, and he stops when he sees you both in. Can I help you? Are you a demon? Are you a demon? Are you an angel? Are you both?

I'm... So we're from across the street. Oh, I know. You know? Sure. Are you Dolgengroth? Dolgen, is that your name? Dolgen you Dolgengroth? Dolgen, is that your name? Dolgen.

Dolgengroth? That's right. What are you making there? Just crudités. That looks really fresh. Where'd you find it? Was that flown in or did you? We have relationships with a few of the local farms.

Oh, so it's all? Came in this afternoon, yeah. Yeah, that smells fresh. As they talk, I'm loading up the tray with the stuff that he's recently prepared for him to make another pass through. What exactly are you doing? I'm doing what I do best, sir. I'm serving.

Tell you what. Bring the tray out. In a week or two, come see me. See if we have a place for you. I have the experience to be a manager. So you carry that tray, son. Yes, sir. Make a, yeah, make a performance check this time

as you get the door open with two fully loaded arms. Okay, okay, that's better, 13. I mean, it's not better. It's better than four. Yeah, you run up and then just do a little twist and kick the door with your heel and it goes and all the noise and swirl of the crowd outside fills the kitchen and you disappear

and then it's just a few books. I'm watching him come out the door, he's like, Just doing recon! I come up behind you. What is this? Well, Slaughter's betrayed us. He's working for the enemy. Oh. Don't know what Mallory's doing.

He's in the kitchen. Okay. This bitch is at the bar. She's really pretty. Are they all hot? I feel like everyone's hot here. While you guys are talking behind you in a booth, totally unrelated to what you're talking about,

you start to hear two people talking. I can't even believe how fast they got this place up and running. They just started building it. They got that tax asshole in their pocket. Do they? Yeah, that Altmer shitheel pulled some strings is what I heard, the prick. Kevin! Where is Devon?

Good thing he hasn't been around in a while. He'd be lucky not to get his ass kicked for the bleeding he's given these parts. Oh, he has been around. The other night, I come out of Grenlock's skull and was taken a piss by that big oak tree that got out back, and I seen someone skulking around the back of this place in the dark. They holds up a lantern. As plain as day, I seen that Diven shitbird

peering around every which way before him and the light just vanished. Creep. Fucking taxpayers. They just sink back into the hum of the place. Hold on, I want to turn to these two and go, if you ever need anything from

Grelnok's skull, your next drink is for free. But you have to ask me because Grelnok will kill you. I turn around as well. Okay. Oh, gee willikers! Yeah. But thanks. I mean, it's just it was free, soikers! Yeah. But thanks.

I mean, it's just, it was free, so we came over here. No, it's fine. We also came over here, so you're good. I'm looking at her and it doesn't feel that way. Yeah. Yeah, that's the intended effect. Oh, okay. Stop pissing on the tree.

That's our- The tree fucking smells. Yeah. Yes, ma fucking smells. Yeah. Yes, ma'am. Nice. I pop up behind you two. Oh, is there new information? I've just been, I mean, I was gone for a moment, you probably didn't notice,

but I've just been numbering all the tables because this is chaos right now, and there's no way to- Why are you helping them? Because no one knows where to go, and it's very important to seat somewhere exactly where the heart belongs in the moment. And this is, I don't agree with the situation at all, so I'm trying to fix it.

You have control issues. I don't know what that means. I'm going to wander back to the group out of the kitchen. It was like a dance. He just would move from one station to the next as if he knew. He just knew. They're just better than us.

They're just better than us. In every way. In some ways, not every way. You all see Groth now enter the room proper and he starts to make his own lap around the common room, stopping at different tables and different groups, sort of nodding at customers, asking them how they're enjoying the food.

At a certain point, he catches sight of you all in a little clutch and with a measured, almost imperceptible smirk on his face, he tips his head to you. Then he walks over to Rennix, taps him on the chest, and you can just hear him say, he said he wants to see you downstairs in the larder. And the two of them walk back into the kitchen and disappear.

That's why it's so good here. They've made a deal with the devil. We're very good at killing devils. Do we want to go and deal with this? Yes, we should obviously go and see what they're talking about. Yeah, maybe. Does this place? I'm very bad at sneaking.

I know. I just want you to know. Does this place also have a secret basement with a? Maybe it does. An idol? Maybe that's why they built it here. Maybe they tried to, oh my god, what if we go down into our wine cellar and we find an opening that goes into, like, their cellar?

Should we go check? Or we could just go... Oh, okay. Right, there's the stairs right there. Okay. All right. All right. Hey, I want to slide over to slaughter. Hey, bud, what is this? What is this? I'll tell you what this is. This is the greatest day of my life.

Everyone is so grateful. I've made so much in tips already. I've been here what this is. This is the greatest day of my life. Everyone is so grateful. I've made so much in tips already. I've been here for 10 minutes. The deviled eggs are great. Everything's great. And they really respect me here, you know? Like, there's smiles everywhere. Anyway, sorry to wander away from you all.

What's going on? Do we tell him that we think this is all demons and none of it's real? The tips are only good because the food is free. Put those down. Oh. I can't put down a tray while I'm on the job. Well, here, I'll take that food then.

That's for me. On duty? On duty, yes. My shift doesn't end for another two hours. You're not working here! You're not working employed here! This is the enemy's lair. How dare you? What happened? For a moment there, I became lost in the ecstasy of service.

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm back. I apologize. I'm just, it just felt so right, you know? It just felt so good. Look, we can be nicer to you or whatever. Vendla appears for a split second with a little train,

says, oh, Mr. Groth said he would like you to have some champagne, so here you are. One for you and you and you and you. Have to get back to the front desk. And she just flits off into the crowd. Is this poison? This is definitely poison. This one's poison, right?

I do a poison check. No, Mallory! I check with my mouth. I'll wait for your poison check. I'm glad 1% is medicine. I'm glad 1% is medicine. Is this medicine? Let's make a medicine check at disadvantage.

What? I need it. I'll put it back out. Okay. With disadvantage, that's still a 16. Whoa, didn't know dice could go that high. Yeah. You take your, how are you testing the poison? I'm using my newfound appreciation for smells.

I give it a good whiff. I pour some on my wrist. I do that thing, the perfume thing. I smell it again. And then I take a little dab and I put it under my nose. I do another sniff. That's how I check for poison.

Amazing. There's just a hint of bubbling effervescence under your finger. It's delightful. It's not poison. Good. But you already. Seems rock solid to me.

I'm going to go out. We're going to leave this world. I'm going to do it the way I came into it, buzzed. Are we leaving this world? I feel bad drinking on duty, but I guess. You're not on duty, you're lying to us! You're right, you're right, I'm sorry. Hey, but seriously, you guys.

Your other place, where we work. We own it, it's ours. Sometimes it doesn't feel like it. Why? Well, I just feel like I could be afforded a little bit more responsibility and not just responsibility that you don't want to do. But we can talk about it later.

I don't want to lay this on you right now. It's just, I just feel like I'm valuable and I should be treated as such, that's all. Sort of. What was it? We value you. That was the kindest thing you've ever said to anyone. It really was. Was it? Kind of jealous.

What's happening to us? This place is ruining everything! We're spinning out, we're spinning out! All right, what are we doing? We're going to sneak into their lives? Yeah, yeah, we're sneaking into their lives. What's happening? What's his fuck?

The tax collector slash food. Diven. Diven. Diven is. Davon? Davon. Danny. I think it's Davon. Davon is behind all of this. It's Diven. So we have to go find him and kill him.

Yeah. That I can get behind. I'm ready. Go drink that drink, my friend. Oh, no. Look. You're still drinking. It's like step forward and then a little step back.

All right. Okay, got it. I want to take a couple cakes on the way out. Okay. Wait, are we leaving? We're going to sneak. I'm going to throw one memory into your brains because you watched this place under construction

and had brief, pleasant, but really brief conversations with that guy before and people working on the place. And there were a pair of, what are they called? Hurricane doors on the backside, which are at an angle. Storm doors. Storm doors, yeah. Yeah, we're going to go there. Yeah.

We all remembered that, and we're going to go there. Yeah. We all remembered that, and we're definitely headed that way. Okay. So we're going to leave through the front door? There's still crowds of people at the front door. Okay. Look, this is going to sound horny, but I'm worried about the muscle. Where is Rennix?

Oh, well, the last time you saw him, he and the boss went toward the back through the kitchen door. Oh, they didn't want to talk to him. That's right. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe we should go through the kitchen door. That's right, okay. Maybe we should go through the kitchen doors and follow them directly then, instead of going through the front,

wherever one can see us. I mean, the hot bartender lady noticed when people were running, so maybe we go around the back. I feel good about the storm doors. Yeah, we should go out the front. That way, it looks like we've left. Otherwise, we're sneaking into a kitchen.

This was delicious, and it's time to go. We really enjoyed our time here. All done, for sure. This is where we're going. I'm going to take my five, okay? I'll be right back. You do not work here. It's how we talk to each other.

He doesn't work here. See you tomorrow, though, right? You have seen me across the way a little bit. What time do you open? Well, it's kind of all flimsy right now, but I think the idea is to be open at six every morning, because it's going to be a working in. Okay, okay.

We'll see about that. All right, we're going to retire for the night. Okay. Oh, it was so lovely having you. I hope to get to know you all better and become the best of friends. She's so nice. Goodbye. We agree, and we are going to do that for sure.

We're going to leave and go to our inn now. We must take care of it. Oh, you and I are going to be best friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh-huh. I'm just giving Vangala a dirty look as we walk out. So bad life. Giving everybody a dirty look.

I'm not giving Vangala a dirty look. She's really nice. Okay, not her, but everyone else, even the customers. Yeah, for sure. Traitors, everyone. You're right, it does smell like something out here. Where's that coming from? I don't know. There's no way to know. It's the oak tree. It's the oak tree.

I'm going to go back in with the pastries. Good night. Good night. See you tomorrow. Good night. So you move your way. Nurn be with you. And also with you. Yep. Pushing through what crowd there is outside and the further away from the front door you get, it starts to disperse a little bit.

You do see local old coot passed out in a chair outside your place under one of the arcane heat bulbs. He's loyal. Yeah. I like him. He's all fat. Free drinks for him tomorrow. Yes. I run back real quick and I put a, I like him. He's our fave. Free drinks for him tomorrow. Yes. I run back real quick and I put a little blanket on him. Ah!

Work on that, maybe more vegetables next time you go. No, let him touch up in that blanket. Now, from where you are in front of the skull, the inn is large. The inn is twice as long as your place, at least. And the back of the place where you've seen those storm doors, you can't even see from here.

You'd have to travel further up the road and then hook around the back of the place. It does start to thin out, although there is one, it's dark now, but you can see one person just sort of strolling along on their own. How far away? From you right now, like 40 feet, and they're just past the corner,

which you're discussing moving past. Okay. Let's sneak around. Yeah, we're very good at this. We're going to be super sneaky. Super sneaky. When I was a boy, I remember her name.

Oh, J'Lally-Oh. There's a man just drunkenly stumbling along near the back of the place. I deal with a lot of too drunk people. Is this guy real drunk or pretending? Make an insight check. So he would cross our path? No, you'd be coming up behind.

Okay. I'll assist with that insight check. He's walking in the direction you want to go. Okay. Okay. Scope him out. Okay, sweet. Scoping. There we go. Plus five.

Dirty 20. Ooh! Yes! Finally. Counter vision. You can, on the breeze, the autumn breeze, smell the guy a little bit. And he sounds like he is legitimately slurring. A bonny wee boy I was, I was, I was. He smells drunk.

Second verse, the same as the first. Should we bonk him on the head or something? He's not going to remember this. What if he doesn't? He walks up to a tree and just sort of stops there. Oh, you hear urine. When I want a boy. Go, go, go.

Is it unlocked? You're going to make a stealth roll at advantage. Oh, okay. Ooh, yeah. All of us? Well, if you're all going. Whoa! First down is my god! Because I'm reee-ing out!

19. 21. 21! Yeah! 15. 16. 16? Great. We're the sneakiest folks in this world! We've never, all it took was a really distracted drunk. His champagne-fueled whiz continues to stream along the tree and he sings,

and you, like 10 feet behind him, just walk by and get a good look at him as you go and continue on. Do we recognize him? Is he a patron of ours? You've seen him, sure. He's a townie. And then where you want to get is about 40 feet that way on your right, back of the inn. Okay.

You creep your way up, and the guy's singing dies down a little bit, and you look back, and he is still singing, but he's flush against the tree, and you hear, . And you get right up to the storm doors,. And you get right up to the storm doors and there is just a solid iron padlock. What do you got? What do you got?

What do you got? Can any of us pick this? No. Absolutely we cannot. I mean, that would be a... Can we bring any bacon? Hold on to it and just try to yank it and see if I can yank it off. Make a strength check.

Mm. I'm holding the chain, by the way, to keep it from rattling loudly. Okay. So that makes it at advantage? You're going to tell that one thing. We have a good question. Like every other DM, I cannot resist your charms, Laura Bailey, yes, at advantage.

Yes, sir. That was pretty good. Strength check. That would be 18. 18? You watch as her guns go. And it's just that tight because you had it. And it's hotter than you. Just know that.

That was pretty hot. Fuck. Not even Renix? Not even Renix. Who's there? Oh god. Oh. Go back to sleep. There.

Okay. And you have two doors in front of you. Going to time the swing to the snore. Oh, smart. Smart. Is it dark down there? No! Snore or a thorn?

It is dark, yeah. Who's darkvision? Who can? I can see just fine. I got darkvision. Okay, go on down first. I don't. It's not far to go. It's only seven or eight wooden steps down, deep steps down, and there is a door in here,

but a traditional door. Just hold on to my bicep. Yeah, cool, thank you. I'm going to lock you down. Should we check for traps? Because remember last time with the doors that we kept? Mallory almost died that one time. Oh yeah, does anybody know how to do that?

Did I? I can't say. I don't remember that. Could you normally check for traps? No, I think that's another campaign. Can we check the door or the stairs and make sure we're not walking into traps? Who's checking for traps?

I'll do it. You are. Mallory is. Okay, make an investigation. Save us, Mallory. 14. Letory is. Okay, make an investigation. Save us, Mallory. 14. Let's go. Because of your vision, you do see a little squiggle

peeking out from under the knob, and you bend down, and who else can see in the dark here? When you see him lean down, you come down behind him, and there is a symbol etched under the doorknob. Oh, for fuck's sake. What is it? There's a symbol etched under the doorknob.

That's usually a bad thing, right? It is arcane in nature. Did any of us know how to make that go away? I know a bit about arcana, but you can't make them disappear. You can ruin them. Can I roll an arcana check? Absolutely. All right. Plus two.

16. Hey! Yeah, you are very familiar with what that glyph means. It means that it's going to belch poison in your face if you tangle with it. You know, I sort of did a poison check. This is going to release poison if we open it. So we...

How do we disarm it? Can we try to disarm it? How do we, we don't have a dispel or anything like that that doesn't exist? No. Can I think to, because I do rune stuff. I'm a Templar. Do I have any knowledge about how to disrupt runes

to make them function poorly if you change the shape? With your sword, perhaps? If you change the shape with your sword? Yeah. You make a... It's like if you ruin a Stussy sign. Make an arcana check. Do it. Ooh.

15. You saw a fellow Templar do that once and fail. You saw a fellow Templar do that once and fail. They didn't do it very well. They're a pretty shitty artist. You think it is possible, and you know what your friend was trying to do when they failed, pretty shitty artist. You think it is possible, and you know what your friend was trying to do

when they failed, but it's not guaranteed. Good news, bad news. And I'm facing the wrong way. I don't know where everyone is. Are you completely on track? Good news, bad news. What? You can disrupt the rune, but if you screw it up, it goes very badly.

So the good news is you can happen. The bad news is I can't see, and therefore will not do a good job. I can make a little bit of light. Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's do that. Okay, I'll pop a skull and whisper some necromantic words to it. Mm-hmm.

Necromantic. And I will light it aflame. It flickers to light and suddenly you guys are all glow in this little cubby in a little angled set of stairs at the base of the Golden Goose. And now you all see this symbol, which is a series of spirals with two lines through it. Wow, okay.

And what your friend was trying to do was join the two in the middle, making almost a Z or an N-type shape, but with a little bit of a curve in the center of that line. Okay. Do you have a piece of paper? Oh, yes, always.

No, always. I draw out what I'm aiming for. I'm going to try to do this. Okay. Do you want help? Yes, because you have penmanship and I have a knife. Okay, I'm very good at drawing hearts. Let's go. I did not instill confidence,

but we're going to do it anyway. Okay. Does anyone, are we, is it okay? Please back up. I'm going to back up. Yeah, I could call. I'm going to be ready to open the doors. I'm going to back up. Yeah, I could call. I'm going to be ready to open the doors. I'm going to back up right against Mallory. I wish Slaughter, you could get behind me.

I'm going to hold our breath. With the skull on the ground. How far back are the backseas going? Outside? No, we're just backing up against the storm doors. Like, literally, we're so close. So, like, four feet back? Yeah. Okay, good to know.

We're going to hold our breath and then open them and run. I'm covering up Mallory and Slaughter to try to shield them from the worst if something happens. Okay, okay. I put my little knife, like, right up to it, and then I put Hlaa's hand over mine, so it's like ghost, and we're just doing it together,

and it's kind of cute that way, and I'm going to make an attempt. Let's make a straight dexterity roll at advantage with Hwa's help. Cool, cool, cool. Oh, god, I got 11 on both of the dice. 12. 12.

Oh, I'm kind of low. You start to carve down a straight line, and you guys get to the point where the little bump happens, and it starts to turn into a little curlicue heart. Uh-oh. And a cloud of purple and green mixed together wafts out.

Everybody make a con say. I'm going to use my reaction to cast Bone Shield on myself. Of course. Using two stamina points. Okay. That gives me an extra 10 temporary hit points. That gives me an extra 10 temporary hit points.

Don't forget, we all have a plus one to our saving throws. Yes. What? How did that happen? When? It's from our spider robes. Yeah. Good, that definitely helped my two that I rolled. Con save.

Oh, con save! Mm-hmm. 11. That did not help. Natural 20. Ooh! What the heck? I, too, had a natural 20. My con save is really good. I'm at an eight.

Eight? Yay! Eight? Okay. Okay, so because I don't have any dice back here. Oh! Do you want some dice? I need dice.

I've been surreptitiously sending messages in a bottle saying, bring me dice, and I don't have any. I'll take a d20, and I'll take a d6. You want a whole thing? I got a ton of d6s. You want a whole thing? Sure, if you have a whole thing. Take the cake, take the cake.

Four, okay. I took the cake. We're going to. Is this citrus and ricotta? Mm-hmm. Okay. You just gave him plenty. That's fine, I don't have to do it. That's a lot of dice.

I still want to give mine, though. It's imbued with all that girl-nock energy, though, so. I don't know. Roll poorly. I'm giving you more. I don't care, here. Okay, great, thank you. Those of you who fail take eight points of poison damage. Oh my god. That's not bad.

And those who save take four. Great. The cloud hovers, though, and does not move. It is still around you. Open the storm doors a little. I flung them immediately open, anyway. Kling-Klang, Kling-Klang, Kling-Klang. No, Mallory!

Oh no. Oh. Oh no. I once was a farmer's maid. I once was a farmer's maid. You hear someone standing up. Oh, I got to go to bed. I once was a farmer's maid long ago. And the voice is getting louder. Long ago, long ago.

And there is a drunk standing at the top of the stairs right now. Oh, hey, what's going on in here? Do you have room for one more? Grab him by the ankles. Shush, shush. Grab him by the ankles and pull him in here. I don't know if that's a good idea. I just run up and tackle him.

Oh! Chaos. Why are you killing this man? Don't kill, don't kill. Fuck it, he goes down. You're able to drag him back Metal Gear style and plant him against the tree because you knocked him out. Okay, great.

He's not going on an adventure with us. Okay. I was thinking. Okay, so the stairs cleared of hazardous material and drunken men is now clear, and the door, the symbol has burned away, and the door is actually open, like a half inch, and there is a thin line of light behind it. I'll extinguish my skull.

Can we hear anything? I will make a perception check. Go ahead. To anyone? Yeah! No! It's happening. Very, very, very, very faintly, not on the other side of this door, but you just hear, maybe somewhere in the inn,

you hear just like. But then you strain your ears, trying to hear more, and half a minute goes by and you don't hear it again. And then you're just listening to the silence. There's a clicking and it's gone. Click, click, click. Kind of clicking? I don't know, it's fucking clicking.

I don't know, fucking Mallory, it's clicking. I don't know. Like bones? Like what? What kind of click? Like giant spider clicking? It could have been. It could have been bones.

It could have been mice eating through fucking crates. I don't know. You're not trying to stress your ass. Spider be clicking bones. We are fighting for the existence of our business down here. It doesn't matter what kind of clicking it is. We're going through this door.

Oh. Now let's get it together, people. I immediately, like, woke up. I'm not facing him because I can't see anything, but I straighten out. Okay. Come on. We've got to manage this situation. You leading the way?

Yes, I'll lead the way. Okay. Bro, this is dope. Just opening? Just opening and peering inside. Door swings open. Swings open! Light, again, coming from within.

Through this door, you find yourself filing into a decent-sized room lit by a pair of lanterns, both burning pretty low at the moment. There's a bed off to one side with some pretty fine linen sheets, a beautiful red and purple pattern rug covering about half of the room's floor in here. And sitting atop one corner of that rug is a big plush chair that's beat up,

but comfortable looking. And a side table holding the other lantern burning in the room. And then off to one side of the room is a desk cluttered with lots of loose parchment separated into different piles, as well as some leather-bound books in the mix, and a small wooden chest or box sitting on one side

on top of another stack of paper. And then you see a door. This room is only about 15 feet long, a door on the far side. This is Devin's room. Well, let's check. Can I look at the papers? We've seen so much of Devon's writing.

Do I recognize his signature? Yeah, you don't even need to, for that, his signature's on everything. Yeah, yeah. Why is he living in this hovel under the ground? He's a shitty little goblin. What kind of papers are these? Are they permits?

What do they say? What does this shit say? What do they say? What does it say? What do they say? I read them. Who's digging in? I look at the one I lifted and try to read it. Make an investigation check, please. Every time. 10.

10. Double digits. Okay. Ah, here we go. I know how to read, kind of. It's a lot of lists and numbers. A few of these things are definitely zoning permits. Two of them stamped with some sort of block in wax,

and it says, expedited. Devon literally signed off on all of this. Isn't it a little weird that he was living down here, though? This feels weird. This might not be his room. This might be Groth's room. How expensive are these sheets?

The sheets, I can feel thread count. Give me a thread count, please. Sure. How many threads? Make a thread roll. I can feel thread count. Give me a thread count, please. Sure. How many threads? Make a thread roll. I'll count them. They're finer than anything in your place. They're finer than anything you've ever slept on.

Rude. Missed evidence. I'm going to check the chest. Okay. I'm going to drool on the pillowcase. Check it for traps for you. I check it for traps first. It's blue drool because of the drinks

that we've been having, so it's extra gross. Are all of our tongues blue right now? How are you checking the box? With my sense of smell? No, that's stupid. Wait, is that dumb or is that the best thing I've learned how to do in this game? Smell that box.

Smell. Because it's smell perception. I would like to use... You don't want to open it about this. I smell and I touch. I smell and I touch. I lightly touch. Okay, make a perception check at advantage

because you have a history of smelling on this show. I started today. Oh boy, oh boy. Oh, I rolled five twice. That's 10, though, total. 10. Two double digits. Cedar.

Smells like cedar. What a lovely smelling box. You know, we should start using cedar, you know, in our, maybe in our restroom, because it has a lovely smell. It's the state of it. I just flip over the top. I lift up the rug, too,

while she's doing that. You lift up the rug. Well, there's a big chair on top of it. So let's say you shove that off. Yeah. Okay, so you're still with the box. Yeah, there's a big chair on top of it. So let's say you shove that off. Yeah. Okay, so you're still with the box. Yeah, I'm just opening it. Oh, you're just opening it

and you're pushing back a chair. There are three crystal vials in the box that have a pale blue liquid in them. You recognize them from your heavier adventuring days. They are potions of greater healing. Nice. Oh, baby. Three of them, we're going to be in a battle. I'm definitely going to need one

because I'm already eight now. Yeah, same. Oh, I can heal you, I think. What do you? What do you? Anyone else need help? And Grel, as you throw the rug back, there's a big, wide, like four by four plank of wood under the rug.

Yep. I fucking knew it. Check the wood for runes and traps. Make an investigation check. Yeah. Can I help? Sure. I want to watch this. How are you going to help?

I'm also looking, because I just got boned by a broom. Investigation or perception? Perception. That would be a 21. Again. Nice. It really just seems like a big, shitty piece of wood, although getting down close to it, you can just barely, through some of the cracks

between some of the slats, see just the faintest red hue. The strap underneath the wood. Every time, I'm so tired of trapped stuff under the ground. How about everybody back up out of the room, and I'll throw something at the wood to knock it away. So we're not trying to sneak up in here

with this conversation anymore. Well, how are we going to get to fucking get under there? How do we? Can you break the rune? Me? Yeah. I can try. Break the rune. There's no visible rune. There's no visible rune.

Oh, there's no visible rune. How are we going to make it not hot unless we just set the trap. Yeah. I don't know how this shit works. This poison sucks. I can still taste it. Yeah.

It tastes like anise. And I only know what that flavor is now because I had a cake with that flavor in it. It was really good, though. I kind of liked it. Yeah. It really added something. It did.

We got it. There's a trap that we can't see, but we know it's there? Yeah, because I saw red through the wood. Can we pry it up or something? Yeah, if we move the wood, the trap will, you know, go. That's how traps work. Well, we've got to try.

That's what I mean, back the fuck out and I'll kick the wood out of the way. I'm definitely backing out, as I'm already hurt. Okay. How much do these healing potions heal for? That's what I mean, back the fuck out and I'll kick the wood out of it. I'm definitely backing out, as I'm already heard. How much do these healing potions heal for? Oh, those are the graders. Shoot. Just make it up. It's 2d4 plus four.

All right. Are you going to do yours? I'm going to take mine. I'll take mine. What? Is it 4d4? Is it 4d4? Come on, man. I'm not backstabbing you. Come on, man. You're doing a great job. I don't care, we're playing a game together.

This isn't the Metropolitan Opera. I think it's 44. Oh, 44, wait. Then I'm going to wait. I have a little thing I can do, actually, for one stand-up act. Stand-up act, just for you. Yes. Yeah. As we back out of the room,

I'm going to just grab some of the papers, trying to find some that maybe have some blank spaces on it that we could add to later, or a page that has letterhead, but nothing else on it. I don't know. Okay. Most of it's pretty full. You start flipping through, and as you're looking for blank sheets of paper,

you're passing through lists of local businesses. There's a stonemason mentioned up north, several farms you recognize by name, two nearby wineries, and next to many of them, not all, price reduction for services rendered is listed, and there's notation by three or four of them that says two years' taxes waived. And on those pages, do I see any indication

of the business that got such preferential treatment as if I need to ask? Well, if you're asking if it's the inn, it's not the inn, it's places that you've occasionally done business with before and other businesses in town, other farms. Oh, it's some sort of network of... Yeah, he's waiving taxes so that this business can get shit faster.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And you do find three or four sheets that could be used. The Stonemason, is that the place that we went to and got ambushed at? I mean, check for the name Orom and Granoth. But he was dead, I think. Yeah. Well, anyway, I'm taking those pages

and this is good stuff. Why did he want this place to be successful? Maybe he gets kickbacks. Yeah, well, anyway, I'm taking those pages and this is good stuff. Why did he want this place to be successful? Maybe he gets a kickback. No, but it has something to do with the cultists. This is all about us specifically. Maybe he gets a kickback or maybe there's access to underground temple stuff.

If he puts us out of business, he gets access to our giant heckmouth. That too! So he probably is involved with the cultists. We should just assume that. We know he is! So he probably is involved with the cultists. We should just assume that. We know he's involved with the cultists. Remember when he tried to kill us a year and a half ago? I thought that was just over taxes.

No, it was because of cultists. Oh, wow. Yeah. Look, we've dealt with so much cult stuff, it is hard to keep it straight. So either this establishment is also hiding another hellmouth, as you put it. Heck mouth. Heck mouth. Language. Language.

Or maybe the cultists are living here, are gaining some sort of power through this. Do you think the staff here are cultists? They're so nice, though. They're so nice and hot. All of them are so hot. Are there nice, hot cultists in the world? All of them. Really?

They're all kind. They get more cultists. Yeah. But didn't they say they just were, yeah, they're probably lying. Yeah. They won't let you leave once you're in. But Renick's probably different. Renick's probably a cultist.

That doesn't mean you can't bone him. Thank you. I'm good. All right, so we're backing out of the room so you can destroy the room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Back up, back up, back up, back up. And then I'm going to use my molten wit on the fucking board.

I forgot about that. You're going to whip the floor? I'm going to whip the blank of wood and yank it away. Ooh! I can do it from 30 feet away. Okay. Does that an attack roll? Remind me. It is.

Come on, come on. I make a spell attack against the target. Yeah, do it at advantage, because it's a board. Attack the floor! Yeah, do it at advantage, because it's a board. Attack the floor! Yes. Yeah, that's really fucking good. That's a 21 again. Whoa, I'm so good at numbers.

Finally. The whip lashes out from a distance, strikes the board, and starts to pull, but it just breaks into three pieces, burning in chunks as you rip it away. And nothing happens, except that now there's a stronger red glow emanating up from what looks like a three by three rough hewn hole in the hard packed earth here.

Oh no, got to go down another hole. This hole is not really nice, for the record. Apparently many of the holes we've encountered are not very nice. You also see a rope ladder affixed to the earth next to it with a pair of iron bands that have been hammered down to hold it in place. Ladder lowers down that hole,

and if you peer down it, if you want to. Okay, you see this small pit kind of stretches five or six feet down into the earth. There's just enough room for a person to get through down this ladder, but then it opens up further into a much larger chamber below a wash in this red glow. And you see stone form.

It's dim down there, but a few of you are able to make out what looks like a large, muscular back and shoulders and stony arm. Moving? It's another statue. Doesn't appear to be moving. It's another statue. Does it look like our homeboy?

Does it look like our statue? May our runes stay gone? It's definitely moving. If you two are both peering down and make an investigation check, I can advantage from up here, peering down a hole. Do you want me to? I don't trust it. You're only 21.

Don't trust me. 11. 11. You've seen it a ton of times entering your wine cellar over the past months. It is identical. Oh, shit. I love this guy. Liam, I know what

Mehrouz Dagon is, but for the audience, that is the Lord of the Underworld? Well, as you know, Sam, he's one of the 17 Princes of Oblivion. Yeah. Sure, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's Mehrouces of Oblivion. Yeah. Sure, sure. Yeah, yeah. And it's Mayroos?

Mayroons. Mayroons, and is that a possessive? Nope. Okay, Mayroons is like his first name, or their first name. Yeah, okay, you're welcome, audience. Thank you. I cleared that up for you. I also knew it.

Yeah, we all knew it. So we gotta go down there. I think we can go down, but we can't spill blood around the statue is the key. That's right. Should I bring a rag of some sort? Just in case. I take the linen. I was about to say, let's grab that really nice,

extremely expensive linen. Do you want to hold it? Can we hear any voices? Yeah, is he okay? We can split it. Are they here? And I'm going to cut it in half. Well, you got to make a perception check for that. Please, you do it. I'm listening.

Everybody shut up for a second. Stop ripping. I'm listening at the hold. Roll a die. 19. 19. Nice. You listen for a full 10 seconds, and distantly, you hear.

Do you need little rats nibbling on something, I'm afraid of you. Or dribbling a ball. Is it like blood? Rattling basketball? It's a rat animal. Is it the wind? Rattling basketball? It's like rat and wood. Is it the wind rustling through the trees? Space Jam 3.

Going to give everybody a couple emergency blood rags. Blood rags, blood rags. Cut up linen. Okay. As your inventory. All right, we're going to go down there? I guess so. Yeah. Who up linen. Okay. As your inventory. All right, we're going to go down there? I guess so. Yeah. Who's first? I mean, management should obviously.

Oh! I'm not management. Thank you, though. But you could prove that you are management material. I'm not really sure what you're trying to do, but I support you. Thank you, Wily. I'll head down first. Okay, that's a smart move.

Very cool. I'm going to grab and, Wily. I'll head down first. Okay, that's a smart move. I'm going to grab and start heading down. Okay. I'm going to swing my mace on the chair and rip the cushion as we head down. Just for petty reasons. You just hear, as I'm crawling down, nice. It splits and all the stuffing just pops out of it.

Like popcorn. Mm-hmm. So you all make your way down. Wee-woop. As you're coming down this rope ladder, it's just dangling in space. It's not in the center of the chamber. It's about 10 feet away from the wall,

and so you're lowering down past Mehrunes, who you've seen so many times going to get a bottle of red. But there's no wine in here. You lower yourselves down and stand in, it's not super bright, but you can see well enough, the statue is what's emanating this red glow. Just sort of slowly wavers stronger and weaker. Uh-oh.

And you lower down behind Mehrunes. As you move around the room a little bit to check the place out, you spot a leg on the ground in front of the statue. Please, how hot is the leg? It's not that hot. As you come around, you recognize, unfortunately,

an old man with a long beard that you saw only about an hour ago? Half hour ago, looking a room at the Golden Goose. Oh! And there's a pool of very recent blood just pouring out of him on the ground. And there is a huge smear of red

on the base of the statue. And far above your head, you hear, Oh, this is comical. You manage to stick your nose into it at the last possible second. How lucky you get to bear witness. Have fun. And you hear.

The rope ladder just falls into a big pile on the ground. Can we see him up above? You see blonde hair in a hole and a big smirk on Barkeep's face. This Barkeep. You should have talked to her. And she's gone. That was Triss! That's Triss?

I heard somebody say her name was Triss! Triss. I was Triss! That's Triss. I heard somebody say her name was Triss! Triss. I hate Triss! That light up there, that pale, rough circle, goes dark. I'm going to gather as much of that very expensive linden as I can and start plugging those, so stopping the blood from getting to the statue.

Oh, it's on the statue. It's too late. Wipe some of the blood off the statue. You guys it's on the statue. It's too late. We'll wipe some blood off the statue. You guys start making, in a hurry, start trying to erase time itself. And as that wiping hits the statue, you're Oh no, what was it? Oh.

And looking up at the source of that sound, you see on the walls two strange humanoid shapes just skittering along the wall, legs and arms, and a head turns and goes. And you see this eyeless face and a mouth, and the hands have two digits and a thumb, and the same for the feet, and the two of them at the same time,

twisting their heads around, you go, Everybody roll French. Oh god! We can talk our way out of this. We don't have to have a fight. Give them a snack. Wow. Awesome. Holy snake.

I got a natural one. I did, too. Oh no! Wow! No! One is a two. One buddies. Here we go. I knew you were my brother. What are your dexes? I have a plus one to initiative. I have a plus one is a two. One buddies. Here we go. I knew you were my brother.

What are your dexes? I have a plus one to initiative, so I'm a- I have a plus one to initiative also. I have a plus one to initiative. I have a plus one to initiative. My dex is, yeah, plus one. Did you roll a one? No, I was just amused at it. Yeah, we all have- I will gladly defer

to my brother slaughter. All right. All right, so that's one and a one. What else did we get? I got 11. 11. One and a one. What else did we get? I got 11. 11. One and a one. Hey! Seven!

Seven. Really? Hooray, cat numbers. What's your dex? What's your dex, Mallory? Oh, 12. That's my dex. That's my dex. My dex is lower than that, so you're ahead of me. Okay. Okay.

Well. Crushing it. Wants to go in first, huh? So these two creatures coming down the walls, these Vermai, looking like something out of Pan's Labyrinth, are about 40 feet above you and closing in in this split second in time.

But Mallory, you act quickly in this danger. You're up. How far away are they again? About 40 feet up the walls. That I can do. And how close are they to each other? They're almost on opposite sides of the chamber, so not too close. They're about 50 feet apart.

Well, I will pick one of them and cast a lightning splash. Okay. Which makes a 10-foot sphere up to 60 feet away, and they've got to make a DC 14 dex saving throw. Okay. 14, you say? Yes.

That is a fail. My god. So they take, oh please, roll well. That's not the right die, that would have been awful. There we are. That'll do, I guess. They take 10 lightning damage, or one of them takes 10 lightning damage.

Oh, it just crackles against the wall and just groans into the chamber. Ew. And looks seared like a burnt chicken, but it is still in pain, moving on the wall. All right, I am going to then duck around the statue and try and get a little cover because I'm squishy. Okay.

All right, that gets us on to Grelnok. I'm going to see the one that he hit, and I'm going to aim for that one as well. And I'm going to cast my Molten Whip at him. It's molting? It's a Molten Whip. Got it, got it. How far away is it? It's 40ting? It's a molting whip. Got it, got it.

How far away is it? It's 40 feet up. Oh. Can I climb the statue of Mehrunes and use my whip when I'm 10 feet in the air? Yeah, because one arm is on the ground, planted, while other three are in the air, so you can use that, I'm not even going to call that difficult terrain.

You can get yourself up. Yeah, you can get yourself in range. You can run halfway up the statue. All right, cool. I'm going to run halfway up the statue. I'm like standing on a shoulder and I'm going to molten whip one of the fuckers. Okay, go for it.

The one that Mallory already targeted. Yeah. Have at it. All right, that is a 14. That hits, sure. All right. That's 4d6 fire damage. That would, oh, not good.

Six, eight, 10. 10. Fire damage, and I pull the creature 10 feet closer to me, which will take it off the wall and drop it down. The whip wraps around its neck and just yanks and goes. And it gets pulled and you hear a little. And it is dead before it is even fully pulled off the wall.

And you whip your hand and it just whips it off the end, and it just slams into the ground in a broken heap. Away from the statue. Away from the statue. You do have that control. All right, Hwa, you are in play. Okay, I'm going to cast Swarm. So what this means, that is, I spend two magicka to summon a five-foot radius swarm

of fletcher flies that come out of my fingers. They're all everywhere. They're kind of on fire. They make a real loud noise, and they attack. So I'm going to go to the, I'm going to attack the one that's, okay, the last one, sorry, on the wall still.

Right. They must make a DC 14 con saving throw. Right, I rolled that in advance, and it failed, that's right. On the wall still. Right. They must make a DC 14. Con saving throw. Right. I rolled that in advance and it failed. Yay! Okay. So it's 4d6 fire damage. Wow. Great hit. One, two, three, four.

The bugs starting to glow like little embers flutter up around this thing high on the wall, and then they just ignite. 18. 18. Whoa, that's so much better than what I rolled. The thing just lets go, it peels off like a ruined sticker on the wall and then just falls onto the stone.

I did it. Good job. Onto the stone of the step. Of the chamber, down on the floor. So encounter over? I still hear music. You hear it, too? Over your shoulder, in front of the statue, there is a melted into the,

not carved or chiseled, just melted in, there is a passage, a low tunnel that you would have to sort of like bend over to run through. And you can hear from inside it. Are there any other doorways out of this room or is that it? No, I'll say I'm not going to make you roll for that.

It's a pretty limited space. The only reason you didn't catch that is because you came in and you saw a body, Triss, Oogity Boogity. Uh-huh. Okay. Well, we should go find out what that's about. I think that's what, isn't,

does it look like that's the hole where the yuckies came out? You don't know where, no, those things, as far as you knew, were stuck to the walls when you came in here. There's something in there and it's coming for us. Yeah, yeah, those things, as far as you knew, were stuck to the walls when you came in here. Oh, there's something in there, and it's coming for us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or we're going to it.

Yeah. Is it your turn? Is it your turn? It's my turn! Okay. Light it up. I can't see in there, but I can certainly throw in there, so I'll pop a skull. Psst!

Pull the pin. Yeah. Light it up. One pin. And then underhand granny toss. Make your attack roll. Yeah. I could... Four. Four.

No. Has any of these ever hit? Total, that's the end of that. Three? No. Plus six, so that's a 10. A 10. Okay. You were aiming for a hole? There's no way that hits.

It just goes inside and you hear. Do you think I hit? It sounds like you hit it. I didn't roll for damage, so probably not. Yeah. Yeah. I did it, guys! You hit the thing and we're really sorry. Yeah. Yeah. I did it, guys! You hit the thing in the middle. Good job, Asami.

We believed in you. Cross off to magic. You're all in a loose semicircle around this melted pathway into the wall, but 20 feet back from it, and you still hear. Oh boy. We should go there. Can I drop to all fours? Do I see anything staring down this tunnel?

You can't see in the dark, but it's dim. It gets dark real fast in there. I was trying to look while he softball pitched a flaming skull, did I get any? Oh, cool, yeah, I'll rewind to that, sure. Make a perception check. Oh, God, Liam. You can do it.

It's an 11, Liam. It ignites and there's nothing right where that skull goes, but it does send a blast of light, maybe 30 or 40 feet down in the same back at you. And you can see two, maybe, shapes just on the sides of this chamber, and then they're in dark. I like it.

I'm going to crawl as far as I can get into the tunnel and fire off a Sunfire. Do it. Sweet. So it's just a big blast. Liam's looking up Sunfire. I get to roll. Sunfire. Sunfire! What'd you roll. Sunfire. Sunfire! What'd you roll?

I rolled another natural one. Yeah! Oh no! Why? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a wise decision. Yeah, yeah, thank you. So you lean over, okay, and you're crouching to get by,

and you do what normally comes easy when you're fully erect, but you're just not in peak physical form at the moment in the right position. And it ignites, and it does manage to splash back at you a bit, and you take... How much of the 3d8 do you want to give me?

3d8? Not much. This is... You threw it very far, so it came back and you took four points of sun damage. Oh. Not the sun type. Are you dead? What's happening? Wow. Yeah, I'm dead.

Hey, you remember when you single-handedly killed the bad guy the last time? Yeah, and summoned him or whatever? Yeah. Yeah. I'm just, can you just yank me out of the hole? I can't see. I hit myself in the face with my own magic. And closing in on you fast, you hear.

I'm about to die. And hands on your body. Sorry, really quick, though. Yes. That happened, but for my bonus action, I do want to use Shield Wall, so I just roll over onto my back and put my shield over my face.

Okay. And what's your AC? It's 17. Is that with the shield over my face. Okay. And what's your AC? It's 17. Is that with the plus one? Yes. Okay. Thank you. Oh, the rubies. Meets it, beats it is what you told me.

The first one hits. Hold on. Yep. Because whenever an enemy hits me with an attack, I roll a d6 and on a four or higher, the attack automatically dip it. Nice. It's a five on the dice. So it misses, okay. Yay.

But has a second attack, which misses as well. So the shield, this thing, you just hear claws going on your shield. Can we see what it looks like? Is it? It is in the dark. Anyone who can see, sees similar forms to what we're crawling down the walls.

This is going badly. Strange bald, pated heads and gangly arms and legs and sallow, gray-green skin. No, and no. No, but you have got, oh, sorry, there was a third one. Okay, so the third one that is attacking you rolls a 17. Hits. And do you roll a d6 for that as well?

Six on the dice. Six on the dice, nice, and then a 17. Hits. And do you roll a d6 for that as well? Six on the dice. Six on the dice, nice. And then a 21. Well done. It's a one on the dice, it hits. Okay, so you take a whopping. Whopping. Whopping. Six points of slashing damage.

Ouch. I suck so much. Blind creature's hands. Okay, we are at the top of the round damage. Ouch. I suck so much. Blind creature's hands. Okay, we are at the top of the round. To Mallory. Oh boy. Tavima is in a rugby pile. All right, there's no way I can get by you, is there?

I don't know. How much room is in this tunnel? None. Don't scooch into here. Not a lot. It sucks. Are you in the tunnel? I'm in the tunnel. Are your feet sticking out, or is the whole body in the tunnel?

I think my whole body's in the tunnel. So I don't look like Winnie the Pooh in this moment. I don't know. You do now, though, in my mind. No, Winnie the Pooh. You're the strongest of us, probably, I would imagine. Probably. Okay, so I'm going to hold my turn,

because we have the same initiative. All right. So I'm going to position myself for a shot when it's clear, let you know. All right. Get around up there. Ready. How far into the tunnel are you? I don't know. How far into the tunnel are you?

I don't know. How far into the gut? You would guess between 20 and 35 feet. I am hundreds of feet in this tunnel. Oh, wow. No, that's not accurate, because you were further back when you went in. So I would say you guessed between 10 and 20. Well, I am hundreds of feet into this tunnel.

And I can, I can't... We have to wait until- Look, hold on. And I just like, I try to like, scooch down as much. Just shoot them off of me. It's fine. You are laying on the ground. I'm laying on the ground with my shield over my head. You could use your whip and pull her out,

but it might hurt her. I could, or. Okay, okay. Wait, if I can see, can I see over her? You can see, it's a big knot in there. You see her feet and a big shield covering most of her body from you. She's bent down low with a shield on top of her, and there are things just crawling on the sides.

The only reason they can get on her so easily is because they're sliding along the walls. So I'm going to try, I think I can do this. I can make this a 10-foot sphere. Mm-hmm. I think I can do this in a way where I get them and not her. I think I'd like-

Aim past. Yeah, just aim past just to trim her out of the. And the range on that one again, remind me. Is 60 feet. 60 feet, yeah. All right, and I'm going to spend that and one magicka to up the, that's a DC 14 dex save.

Okay. Fail. Succeed. Succeed with a natural 20. So. Okay, one fail, two successes. So one of them then takes... 100 points of damage. Oh, I'm not built that way.

That would be, that's another world. Oh my god, come on. 14 points of lightning damage. Okay, you hear from inside, That's all I got! And I'm backing up against the wall. You feel a and there is something half laying on your shield now.

You got one. Thank you for not killing me. Yep. Cool. That's all I got. I'm going to bonus action cast hardened armor on myself. Hardened armor. Hardened Armor.

Hardened Armor. And I'm going to leap off the statue of Mehrunes, do a barrel roll on the ground, run forward, and try to slide over top of Tavima's shield as I slash one of the fuckers. I like it. Make an acrobatics check, Rex. That is all the excitement and adventure that you can find on Elder Scrolls Online.

I rolled an eight. Cool! I resist. With the reaction, just give her a little push. Yes, you may. Yeah! Why not? The second one was a four.

So you hit the ground and roll that ankle and go, Oh! But you continue into this roll into the tunnel, slam into the shield, and your face is pressed into a sightless, crayfish, blind weirdo's face in this tunnel. It's a lot tighter in this tunnel than I expected.

Did I look comfortable to you? So you've got two bodies pressed to your lower half and two bodies scrabbling each other. I have to fart so badly. I just use my mace and hit it, like, forward. Just a little tap-a-roonie. At disadvantage, you may. Don't fall while I'm in here.

Fuck. Jesus. Oh, one was so good! But the other one was pretty good. 16? Hits. All right. 16. Just popping it in the face.

Exactly. You can't swing, but you just angle it. Yeah. Just bump it. Just wiggling a spiky thing. Eight. Eight. Eight? It collapses the creature's face inward and the upper jaw just breaks in.

You're. Wait, did you still kill it? I fucking got it! Yo, you rock. I can't move my arms. I'm sorry. It's very, this is a bad place to be. Why, you're up.

The hole is completely full of bodies and people, right? You don't see, yeah, it's just a black knot. Just plugged with idiots. Yeah. I don't know if I should go. Should I come in there, too? Are we all going in to the hole? No?

Okay. Well, I guess I can... That's it, dude, y'all? You clawed at the hole. What's it do? You did a great job. Is there a room? Like, I'm going to go crawl in that. No one else can come in this room, though.

You can come in here. It's going to be not good for you. Do you want me to help you get out of the hole? I don't know what I want anymore. Okay, I'm going to try to help. I'm not, I'm going to just not good for you. Do you want me to help you get out of the hole? I don't know what I want anymore. Okay, I'm going to try to help. I'm not, I'm going to just do the best that I can. I'm going to crawl into the hole. Crawl into the hole, cool.

What do I, and then get as close, what do I see? Like, is there space above them at all? Or is it packed like a little sardine? You seriously just see, you see red legs bathed in red light from behind you at this point, moving and kicking. Oh, it's sort of a... In the bottom of a shield.

Yikes. Okey-dokey! And I put my hands on some of the feet. I've cast Frost Cloak. So at least y'all have now an additional plus one to your AC for the next 10 minutes and you are resistance to cold damage. And if you're hit by a melee attack by an enemy,

you do three cold damage to them in return. Thank you. So you are clumped together with dead Daedric monstrosities around you and you feel and now things are even a little bit tighter as you've got Chonky Ice Armor on, but you're in safer as well.

Chonky Chonk. This is great. And I just shimmy. I don't know if I can use my Actually Get Bad At It out of there, but I just shimmy back out. I'm like, I'll just wait here. I don't know if anyone else wants to go in the hole and try something else. That sounds like a very good plan.

Flauter, you up? You want to light it up with a skull? You remember that time I killed, like, Occultist? Oh boy, that seems dangerous. Remember that time when you killed the guy with a lot of arms and it was really cool? This isn't that moment. So if I go into this cave, it's just crammed with bodies at this point.

Yes. I don't know how we got here, guys, but here we are. This is the rest of the episode. We're all just putting butter in there. Yeah, I got lots of fun planned, but I don't think we're getting past this hole. Did anyone bring butter or oils? You knew we were prone to holes

when you read the name of our engine. I'm not prone to holes. I can't see what's going on in there. Stop! I don't think if you can see, you get on. I can't see. No, I can't see. So I'm just going to trust my ladies. They got this. I'm going to hold my action until I see Amini.

That's the sign of an expert manager. Yeah, you have to delegate. I'm delegating. Okay. Also, I know I don't exist in this universe, but when you get back to the restaurant, you should totally put the prone hole on the chalkboard. You know what?

I will write it down, but I can't reach my pocket. Either of you injured, Hwa or Mallory? I am. Yeah, but I can't really see you. No, only by four or five, I'm clear. To recap, I've got- I've got some poison damage and I rolled my ankle. All right, well then, you know what?

I'll use my action instead. Oh, I don't have enough magicka. Never mind. You're fine. Incredible. Okay, there's at least one corpse on me. Is there a moving one? Yeah, it's wriggling like a fish going.

Cool. Okay, sorry. I'm just going to try to use my shield to smush it into place, and then in as much as I can try to get my longsword slowly into its body is my goal. Don't hit me. Great. I will not stab you.

At this advantage, please. Yeah, that's fair and fine. Oh wait, there's a natural 20 on these dice, but I don't get to use it. But the other one's a 17 plus, 23. 23 is good. By the way, I had the 20 sanded off your dice before you got here. Yeah.

Hey, these are my ones from backing your Kickstarter. They rolled good and I didn't know what the, I didn't know it had a little VM on it. Is that a worse one? What is that? Well, because of that, I I didn't know what the, I didn't know it had a little VM on it. I was like, is that a worse one? What is that? Well, because of that, I might have had you roll dice, but instead the long sword just goes. I'm doing it slowly, not because it's difficult in here,

but I just want to make sure if I'm accidentally stabbing Grelnok. She would say something. Come here. I wish you could see it. I wish you could see it. I wish you could see it. I can't really see it either, because it's behind me, but. But I'm not stabbing you, right?

No, you're stabbing it. You see the side of this thing's head and the skin on the back of the head just a point pierces through slowly. Fucking cool. Through wet cardboard. It's good. It's a good kill. It's good in the hole now. This is a really nice hole.

And the hole grows still. It's good. It's a good kill. It's good in the hole now. This is a really nice hole. And the hole grows still. Can you grab our feet? Grab my feet. Do you not want to go in farther? Whose? Are you asking us? All right, I'm going to wiggle off of the shield and try to wiggle further down. Ow! Okay.

Takes a minute, but you slowly dislodge yourselves and three corpses of Daedric Horror from the chamber. And you're still stuck underground. Oh, right. Is there anything further down the tunnel? It goes on quite a while. We should probably go down the tunnel.

There's no other entrances or exits in the main chain? No, you didn't find anything. Should we try to do anything to the statue? Should we try to chop its head off? It's made of stone. When has that ever stopped us? You're right. If we could just take a Tide V or something,

I'm very injured. Do you want some recovery spells? I'd be okay if we could just, you know, wait a minute or so for all of our Magikar to come back. Oh yeah. Yes, please. Um, okay. Are you going to heal Hwa, or do you?

I'm fine. No, I mean, can you heal us, or do you want? Oh yes, we need healing. Everybody, yes? These two. Okay. I do. Get ready, kids. Fungal growth! I cast it. Oh jeez!

You brought props? What is this? What's happening? I put a clock in and I dropped it off the table. What did you just throw at them? They're little mushrooms. I cast Fungal Growth. I still got mushrooms from last round. Oh yay, I wanted to go around.

Those are cute! Aren't they? Anyone in this zone gains 1d4 hit points for three rounds, so just roll 1d4 three times. Thank you. Oh! All right, let's do three. Oh, you fucking kidding me?

Three points. Nine, thank you. That's a few back. All right, well. That's it. Ugh. All right. 26. What's that? I still have to do mine. Hey, can I climb up the statue of Mehrunes and hit my mace on his head?

Sure. I'm taking a short rest while this is happening. Oh yeah. Yeah, are we taking a short rest? 24 to hit. It hits. That statue does not dodge. Our short rests are shorter than normal short rests. They are. That's a 13.

You smash the 30-foot statue as hard as you can with your mace, and a fleck of stone goes. It's possible. I don't feel like doing it, though. Makes sense. Ambitious. I'm just laying on the ground, though. Makes sense. Ambitious. I'm just laying on the ground,

room focusing myself. So we're short resting? No, I just need magicka to do it. Oh. I just needed a minute. And I glow a little bit. Okay. Back up to full.

All right, nice. Hey, nice work hitting the guy. Thanks, I got a fleck of stone. It's pretty good. Grelnok, are you, like, okay to continue? We have the potions. I know, I just don't want to waste it. The potion's really strong,

and I'm not quite that hurt yet. You know what I mean? I'll punch you, and then you can drink it. Oh. Hit me. No! Let's go. All right. Into the hole? Into the hole.

Okay. Do you want to light a skull so we can see? Sure. So they can see, I can see. I've got three or four left, sure. Oh, well. No, it's okay. Look, there's a, hold on. And I want to crawl back into that gross tunnel with the yucky dead boys and bring some skulls back.

Yeah. Oh. Skulls are pretty small. If you're already in there, might as well just keep going, right? Yeah. You pull three shattered, right. But they're spongy and flesh-covered still at this point, but they'll probably dry out. These are the Daedric skulls?

Yes. And again, I know what a Daedric is. Mm-hmm. But. But. What's a Daedric is. Mm-hmm. But. But. What's a Daedric? It is a creature brought over from the realm where Mehrunes Dagon exists. Say no more.

And wishes to bring with him here. Okay, great. These'll do great. I whisper some disgusting necrotic words to one of the skulls and it catches a flame. Poof. Ooh. And the chamber lights around you

and it just seems to stretch on. It's dark. You know, the light fades out after 30 or 40 feet. I will lead the way. Okay. Slaughter Grimm. I guess, are we, do we have to crawl? You just have to bend down.

So you're not actually on all fours. But it goes on for a few minutes. You lose track of how many minutes it takes, but eventually you see a red glow coming from ahead of you. Oh no, another one. Orientation-wise, do I have any sense that we are perhaps moving under the street and back towards our bad boy,

our wine cellar? Make a straight intelligence check. Why can't I just know it? These dice are awesome. Just straight intelligence? Yeah. 19. 19. Let's go.

Is that our dice? That's your dice! Thanks, y'all. You actually think that you're going more sort of parallel to the road away from both the golden goose and from the skull. What if this stretches out into the entire city? Probably.

Yeah. Grotwood, like, old for Dagon stuff. Sorry, I used all of my thoughts. As you creep closer, you can see in the distance another statue's base. It's like a network of statue? Is there already a thing sacrificed at it? You do see something on the ground.

Is it moving? With my vast knowledge of Mehrunes Dagon, do I know that there's any sort of numerology connected with his imperiousness? Like he loves the number three and there's three chambers of devotion to him? Okay. Yeah, that's good.

Uh, history? Yeah. Hmm, 10. Kind of out of your purview, you understand how the dead of this world work, and you understand service with a smile. But not necessarily the Prince of Oblivion. Okay.

Well, I guess we forge onward? Yeah. This realm is quite cursed with cultists and ancient tunnels with statues. Do you think there's a special reason why? It is weird, isn't it? This used to be part of, what was it, Hek? Another Hek map. Another Hek.

Yeah. Looking up, is there any sort of passage up to the normal world? Have you crept all the way to the mouth of this tunnel? We're at the mouth of the tunnel. Okay. There are stairs identical to the ones in your wine cellar that spiral up,

but here, there's also a lot of stone crumbled down on one side of here, and it's just black up top. So the stairs seem to go nowhere. Also of note in the room is the floppy-haired blonde teen whose throat is slit and entrails are spilled out across the floor and there's a smear of blood across the face of the statue. The one who was barfing?

Yeah. Oh. Rennix! No. He did it, Rennix. Now you can't fuck him. Yeah, that's the conclusion we're all at. Are you okay? It's really nice of you.

I'm good, thanks. And amongst the rubble on the ground is another passage. Another passage? Like a similar-looking tunnel? Yeah, and from the angle looking at it, it seems to be doubling back almost in the same direction from where you came,

maybe more of a V, though. So they form some sort of way. Try and yangle like three! Well, this is the third one, so maybe four or five, like a pentagram or something. Oh, creepy! All right, let's go. Before we go, check it out.

Is this one doubling back towards the one under the golden goose or back towards ours? From your 19 from earlier, you're guessing away from the goose, more angle towards your home. Okay. Triangle. Okay. Going back to ours. Could be.

Doing another quick search of this, just because I want to see if there's anything else. Investigation check. Yeah. Can we hear Rennix? Please, no. I don't even know why I'm looking it up. Nine. You take a quick minute, because you're tense as fuck.

And really, besides the piles of rubble that presumably fell from above sometime in the distant past, and this poor kid. No. All right. So through the tunnel, then. Okay. Hopefully, do you hear renex? Can we hear them talking? We make it about halfway up this tunnel,

and you do hear voices. You hear, Hurry, we've wasted too much time already. We're old still, damn you. Where is Tiffin? Never you mind where he is. Our role is here. That's where Max is. We gotta go and kill him. We gotta go kill him.

I'll go and kill him. Let's go kill him. Yep. Charging in? Yeah. Should we do this smartly? Sneak? We run in.

You're right where you are. If the other tunnel is any indication, you're about 200. We run in. You're right where you are. If the other tunnel is any indication, you're about 200. Okay, we sneak down the tunnel as fast as possible. Okay. And then as we get towards the end, we run in! Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, cool. So stealth checks, please. Stealth checks only can be rendered useless. Hey! We can get pretty close. 19 for me. 17. 11. Eight.

14. Okay. You hand on the shoulder of the person in front of you. Oh yeah, I can't see. Except for Slaughter Grimm, who's clearly the leader here. You make your way up through the tunnel, creeping, creeping, creeping, creeping. You get about 20 feet away

because the light is starting to spill in red, and you can see crates of wine that you fucking bought. Oh! They're in our wine! They're in our winery! I knew it! We could've come back to our winery and come back, yeah! That's why they didn't just come over and have food.

They were clearing the space. Are you charging in? Yeah! No! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why? We're sneaking. Why? I don't know. Let's just kill it. Let's just be the leader.

You decide. In a fucking bar. I'm scared. It'll be fine. But maybe if we sneak in, we can save some of our product from being destroyed. Stop talking and fucking sneak. If they win, Oh my god.

we lose our lives, but also our business. Slaughter, they're killing someone right now. They're killing someone in our ring. You got to do something, buddy. This is your moment. This is my moment? Be a manager.

You're in front. You have to sit below me. I'm going to manager up. All right. All right, I will lead the charge in. Skullblazing. And I'll lead the charge in, skull blazing. And I'll race in and say, this is our establishment, goddammit!

And we are closed temporarily! Your voice echoes into the winery as you clear into your own wine cellar, your friends hunched down and coming out behind you, and you see standing in the center of the room at the base of the statue, two people in hoods and cloaks turn around, and you see Rennix, you see Triss, who's holding up a blade,

and she's got a little kid with red hair and tart smeared across his face. Oh, it's Cranberry Baby. What the fuck? And that's where we'll go to break. Ah! Good! Oh my god, you get it.

This is good. If you guys wanted to sneak, this kid would have died immediately. You're totally right. That's why you should be the manager. We're trying to explore all possible ways. Some management material right there. Ooh.

This is a culinary delight, you guys. Isn't this fun? I want to eat all of the food that was described. I know, I'm hungry. Do we need to throw a break? What do we do? If we're still rolling, we're going to go get a snack break that pales in comparison to the golden goose,

but we'll see you back here in a few. Thank you for listening to this special one-shot inspired by the Elder Scrolls Online Blackwood, sponsored by our friends at Bethesda and Zenimax Online Studios. If you like what you're hearing, please consider leaving us a review on whatever podcasting app you're using. Your review helps support the show and bring new listeners into the fold. OK, let's get back to the action. Welcome back to Unfolding Hell under Grotwood. I need you all to roll for initiative.

Right as we were running out of the tunnel, I cast Hardened Armor on myself again. Hardened Armor. Cast Burlger. Burlger. No! Okay. I feel like I'm going to stare at you, just be like, mm.

Call out any 20 to 25s. Natural 20. Yo! You're going to take them out. For a total of 20? Step away from the statue. Okay, what else we got? 15 to 20. I'm 16.

Ooh. 15. Ooh. Okay. Okay, 10 to 15. No, five to 10. Zero to five? Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!

Wait, what'd you get? Double threes. So Mallory's first, and then me. Didn't you tie the last time? Yeah, I did. Oh, teamwork. Okay. I've put that d20 aside now.

No more shall it darken my door, did I? I don't like this one anymore. Okay, so. Frozen in time, Triss holding a dagger up in the air and a child by the scruff of their neck staring at you. What the fuck? And before she or he can do anything to Vima, you spring into action.

Come on. How much distance do I have? Come on, Vivi. From where you are, actually not far. They're only about 25 feet away from you. Oh, okay. Let's do the fun one then. We're going to start with a Shield Charge and burn two stamina.

Moving 10 feet straight toward a target, I need... Don't spill blood next to the statue! Ooh! Unless you have to, to save the girl'm going to push them away from it. We have rags. And make an attack. Does a 17 hit? What is her name again?

Triss. Triss. It does. Cool. Well, I rolled a three. She's going to take nine, 10, 11, 12 points of bludgeoning damage. Okay.

From my shield. And I need her to make a DC 13 strength save or be knocked prone. Okay. Please roll bad. She saves. Dang it. All right. That's okay. Okay. Please roll bad. She saves. Dang it. All right. That's okay.

That was just free action, so let's just hit her with the longsword. And I'm just trying to push her away from the statue and get her clear of the child. So she looked like she was the one that was about to try to stab. I think the free actions are stink put onto an attack action, if I understand correctly. Okay.

We haven't been necessarily doing it that way the last two games. I respect that. You know, when Marisha was GM. When Marisha did it, she let me do whatever I want. True. Yeah. Plus 10 for everybody. Not inaccurate. Yeah, yeah.

That is how that one round of combat went. Super cool, super cool. Okay, okay. But I respect that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. That is how that one round of combat went. Super cool, super cool. Okay, okay. But I respect that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. Okay, we're going to play the little game way. Then I would like to, for my bonus action then, I'm going to interpose myself between,

basically, can I just body block and get in front of the kid? You absolutely can do that. Sweet. Cool, from both of them. Absolutely. The compromise between me and Marisha is you saving a child. Yes! Mine is Marisha.

So you just instantly bloody her nose and she pushes her hand back against the statue to brace herself. Her attention is blown, which gives you a chance to just use your heal to pull this kid behind you. Yeah. That gets us to her. Let's go.

Oh no. Don't splash your blood! You're a problem. And she begins to twist her hands around them, and her eyes go green, and there is, just for a split second, visage of a skull in front of her face and it's gone. And the earth underneath you begins to roil out

and you and the child have soil swarming and writhing under you, going up your legs. I need you to make a DC dex save, a DC of 12. 12. Add plus one? It's a 13, it doesn't make it. Wait, sorry, what was it? 12. Oh. I made it. Yeah.

Cool, I wasn't listening to the number you said. I'm just really sad. Just assume failure at this point. Whatever I say is wrong. You actually cleave the soil, these tendrils of earth and bone shard coming out of the ground away from you and the child and beat it back, and it has no effect.

You stand your ground. Yeah, you're going to have to do more than dirt, I guess. I'm just lifting the kid up, like, this is weird, and you're weird for thinking that was going to have to do more than dirt, I guess. And I'm just kind of lifting the kid up. This is weird, and you're weird for thinking that was going to be cool. Okay. Step away. Okay, that gets us to Slaughtergrim!

Slaughtergrim! What is this? Oh, there's a thing. Okay, tuck that in. Tuck that away. It's fine. I'll edit that out. Just leave it.

Okay, so there's a scrum of people, right? So they're in close proximity. Tuck that away. It's mine! I'll add it back. Just leave it! Okay, so there's a scrum of people, right? So they're in close proximity. It's now Tavima and Childe and Triss and Rennix all, yeah. Pretty on top of each other, right? And Triss is already hurt a little? Yep. Yeah. Bloody face. I can't risk injuring a child or Tavima, so I will...

I will just, I don't know, I'll put the skull in my inside pocket, I guess, for now. Oh, it's on fire, shit! I'll just drop it and draw my flaming sword, which is an item that I have, and I don't know what it does. And I will charge ahead.

I will charge ahead and do crazy moves and try to hit Triss. Okay, that is a plus two to hit and a plus two to damage, a D8 plus two, and then an additional 1D4 of fire damage. Let's go. Well, I rolled a 17, so plus stuff.

That hits, absolutely. And then I'm rolling a d8 for this? d8 plus two. Okay. That's a three. Okay, so five, and then a d4 for fire damage. Yes. One.

One, okay. But I will use one point of stamina to attack the other foe that's right next to me. I can do that. Nice. Ooh, 19 plus stuff. For Shirze's hits. Another five points of sword damage and another one point of fire damage.

Give me that total again. Six. Six, thank you. Okay, so Slaughtergrim drops a flaming skull on the ground and just does a quick little Princess Bride sword move, double hitting each of them. And they both, singes of fire go up their bodies and he looks totally floored. I'm going to also stop.

I'm going to do a three-point landing. I know I wasn't jumping. Right. I'm going to also stop. I'm going to do a three-point landing. I know I wasn't jumping. Right. I'm just going to bend over and put my hand on the ground. Yeah, because your feet never left the ground, you don't have to roll from it. You just take the pose. I just hit the pose.

I start to duck instinctively with you, and then I don't know why you're not there because I stand back up. Okay. Slaughter Grimm! Slaughter Grimm! Slaughtergrim! Rachel Dratch! Tina Fey!

Slaughtergrim! Aw. Brr, brr, brr. Very good impression of that one. Rennix pulls a mace off of his hip and says, I really wish this could've gone different. He just takes a swing at your head. That's really sweet of you.

I'm going to feel so bad killing you. What's your AC? 17. Okay, that hits. Does it? Shield wall? Doesn't hit. Doesn't hit? Yeah.

You bring up the shield and this giant maze goes and there is a huge goddamn dent in the shield where he hit hard. That's it for man. Now we're on to Hwa. I could have dented you. Okay. Yeah. I was making a sex joke.

Yeah. I invoke the expert hunter's mark thingy that I can do as a bonus action. Cannon. So I just do extra damage when I hit, and I grab my ice staff off my back. Don't break my friend's hearts! And I run in, and I go for Renix,

because he's a ding-dong. I try to hit him. Okay, it's going to work for sure. Ay, that's a 12. Hey, maybe? You, the staff arcs too wide and he pissed at Tavima, or Heartbroken, which is it? Oh no!

Sees you coming and then just jukes under and you slash along the base of Mehrunes Dagon in a streak of ice. It was an ice staff, right? It is an ice staff. Yes. It coats the bottom of the statue. Does it hit any of the wine? Like, not the wine.

Oh, no. No, wine is safe. I didn't damage any products. Damp? I mean, no, not damp. Dry, cool place. Yeah, you've wisely kept the wine at least 10 feet back from Mehrunes Dagon.

I don't mind. That's good. Yeah. Do you want to move closer or further away? Hide behind crates of wine? I move away. I get out of this little gaggle of people if I can. Not sure who has opportunity attack, but I should mention it, maybe.

All right, that takes us to Mallory. Yeah. Do I have a clear line of sight on any of this? Yeah, because you guys aren't all single file, you immediately fanned out, so you're on an angle. You can either have an easy shot at Triss or an easy shot at Rennix. I'll let you pick one of those two for the direction.

I was going to say, there's no way I can line them well. If I had a cone attack, would there be a clear shot? Yeah, if you veer to one side and just go for one of them, I would say you can, for fear of striking Tavima and this child, you have to really go wide to get one. I'll go wide,

and I'm going to attempt a Force Shock attack. That doesn't sound good. Sorry, I've been in your way the whole attack. That doesn't sound good. Sorry, I've been in your way the whole time. Which is a big cone. It's a 25-foot cone. It's a, how many points is that? So many. And it's a Constitution saving throw.

Okay. Saves. A who? For who? Both of them? I said that to not hurt an innocent, you had to go veer to the side and only catch one in the cone. Okay.

It was a save? From your damage point. Yeah, they saved, so it'll be half damage. All right. Who are you attacking? I'm attacking your boy. That means you went to the right. I understand. Oh, oh.

Slaughter on the left or the right? Slaughter is on the, you attack. As long as I was within 30 feet at some point, it's okay. He attacked both, and you're in tight, too. I have to be within five feet of both of them. So you're right up in it. You're right up there with Tavima. Okay, that'll work fine. So I'm tight, too. I have to be within five feet of both of them. So you're right up in it. You're right up there with Tavima. Okay, that'll work fine.

So I'm fine, though. 14 points of force damage. Oh crap. Seven. That goes on me, too? No, just hit Triss. But I am going to use my bonus to cast Crystal Weapon, because you just got nuts.

He cast it on Rennix, not Triss, right? I get Crystal Weapon? That's what he said. He cast it on Rennix, not Triss, right? I get Crystal Weapon? That's what he said. Wait, what? You said Rennix? It was Rennix, yeah. Thank you. Sorry. No, no. And I cast Crystal Weapon on you, so your weapon suddenly turns into a dark crystal color.

The fire itself now is coming out of a dark crystal. Jagged and terrifying. Wow. So badass. Yeahged and terrifying. Wow. So. So badass. Yeah, got to hit somebody. Thank you. Please hit. Is that it for your awesome turn? That's, and yeah, and then I'm backing out of there as well.

Okay. Grelnok. Grelnok. Are you sure? Yes. No! Towards Elgort. Damn it! Grelnok. Yes! No! Towards Elgar. Damn it! I'm going to run to the other side. I'm going to run over and try to...

Hit the blonde bartender? Yeah. Mm-hmm. I don't want to mess her up. Okay, we're surrounding her. Yeah. Bartender on bartender action. So I'm going to try to hit her with my big mace. What?

Oh, that is a 23? Yeah, that's a 23? Yeah. Oh, for sure hits. Let's go! Right? And I'm going to use my three action and a stamina point to add an additional 1d8 damage to that. Let's go. Ooh! That's 11 plus four is 15.

And then as my bonus attack. Yes. My bonus action, I'm going to spend three stamina points and I'm going to Rhythmus Claw! Okay. So I'm going to finish my mace. Mace? Mace? to finish my mace. Mace? Is it a mace or an axe?

I don't know. I think it was an axe. It's an axe. It's a max. It's a max. Yeah. And then I'm going to, let's see, if I go like this, I'm going to go like that with my claw. Okay, got it.

Yeah. I'm going to go like this, and I'm going to go like that. All right, did you roll for damage on the claw? Nope. Give me totes on the whole thing. Let's go. Hold on, let's see. I got a strike out,

treat it as a melee weapon attack with proficiency. But you got to do some bartender one-liner, of course. Mix this. Yeah, there you go. Oh! That's it, burn! That's a 20. What's 15 plus seven? 22. 22.

Damage? 22 to hit. 22 to hit. Oh, I thought you, okay, great. But then it's 3d8. So that was the max, or that was the claws? That was. The max already hit.

The max already hit. Okay, hit the mic. And now the claws hit as well, so roll for damage. Let's go. Oh my god. 21 plus. Let's go. Three! 24 points of poison damage.

Yay. Shookabugabugabah. We roll well, we do real stuff. You don't, though. Bash her across the head, and you just watch her ear and cheek and left eye just get pulped. And that's a miss.

And before she can even register, you slash across her front, and just blood flies everywhere, and you take a chunk out of the front of her throat. No! take a chunk out of the front of her throat. No. Oh my god. She's not dead. I just turned. That was awesome! Okay, I'm going to.

Okay, yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay. And then I'm going to cast Backlash for my bonus action. Okay. So I need a DC 15 con save. Okay. Natural 20. Golly. All right, that's fine. We'll just use a sword then. Yeah. For the main attack.

19 to hit? Yes. Cool, cool, cool. Maybe you can kick her away before you do this. Yeah, that's the goal. Terrible damage. Five. But I'm also going to use Puncture,

spend my last stamina for Puncture. So I need a DC 14 dex check. Okay. Fail. Cool. What's a d10 ever look like? Oh, it's a 10. 15 points of total damage. And can I try to keep her from bleeding into the no-no zone?

Keep her from bleeding into the no-no zone? The statues. Yeah. I said what I said. Tell me what the weapon attack is. Explain that to me. Yeah, so she drops her shield, fully drops it and moves away from the crayon baby

and pulls out her sword and goes to slash at her, but catches in her shoulder and then just pushes in to puncture. And I'd like to push her away from the statue. I'll allow you to push her back five feet. Yeah, that's fine. And she falls back in a bloody mess on the ground

to the side of the statue. That was a lot of awful. I assume that's the end of your run. Yeah, that's it. Okay, Slaughtergrim. So, Rennix. Is she dead? Is Triss dead? She looks pretty dead.

Okay. Rennix is still up, though? Yes. Okay. We can fix him. I'm just saying. I think there's good in him. So I shouldn't destroy his body?

I don't know! I don't know, do what you think is best. I'll spare the face, just in case. Thank you! All right, I slash my sword at his dick. He can't! Okay. He can't! Okay. Look, I like scores!

I will roll to, oh no! It's gone, it's gone forever! The dice knew! Thank you. All right, I aim for the belly instead. And I will roll again. Ooh, ooh, that's a four. What would it have been?

It's over there. Where? It's in between the table. I can't even see it from here. Go under the table, find out. I'll be right back. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.

I bet it was a crit. What if it's a 20? It was a natural one! It was a one. I will grace you with a four instead of the natural one. Probably still doesn't hit, though. No. I wonder if the GM will let me use momentum

where I can use a stamina point. Oh no, I can't. It says, when you make a successful melee attack. That was anything but successful. Boy, way to sell it, Sam. Okay, onto Rennix. He just looks at the situation. He looks at all of you. He looks at you.

You don't have to do this. Follow Mehrunes Dagon, they said. Rule over the weak, they said. He reaches down and grabs the mangled corpse of this woman, picks her up and smears her across the statue. Anything? smears her across the statue. No! Ugh! Anything? He looks up at the statue and watches the blood on the stone of this effigy

to Mehrunes Dagon seems to be drawn into it. No, no, quit it! The stone blackens and dark veins spider outward and you hear a faint, low vibration. The statue begins to glow faintly with the same red hue as the first two chambers and you hear a sharp originating from somewhere within it

and another crack off down that way and then fainter another, and a low hum grows louder, its pitch rising and rising, and the sound of it grows painful to your ears, and then with no warning, the terrible face of Mehrunes above you maw open in a stony roar, vomits a writhing beam of blood red power up into a high beam through the wall of the chamber,

blasting through it. The entire wine cellar that you're in rocks under your feet, red bottles of wine falling off of their shelves and smashing on the ground. Slaughter catches three. Nice. And far above, through stone and earth, a great and terrible shriek unleashes,

shaking you to your core. Hwa, you're up. What? Oh, we're still up! Can I just backhand that annoyed slap to Renick? He's like, look what the fuck you did. That's all. Yeah, he's looking up at the statue,

so it's more of a swat to the back of the head. Yeah, look what you did. It's still good, it's still good, it's still good. That's bad. Wha? Sorry, he killed the baby. No, he's dumb. He killed a baby, basically, so that's bad. You don't know that he killed the vomiter.

Yeah, I killed a kid. Oh! My god! Your taste! It's not great. What? I do some magicka. It's bad blood.

And I actually forgot to hit, to roll my spellcasting to hit last time. Sorry. But I will do another. We're having fun here, folks. Another swarm of fetcher flies going from my fingertips into his face. Chutzpah flies, here we go. Okay, to hit, that is a four, one. That's a one.

Oh no. That's a one plus six, so that's a seven. You are so, your stomach and heart have sunk so low with dread that you just go, and three flies go. Oh, okay. They were my friends, but now they're dead.

Okay, all right, that's great. And I start to back up towards the staircase that leads out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my move. The child, by the way, Cranberry, matching Triss's cranberry is just in the middle of you all. Yeah, someone move the cranbaby away. Mallory, you're up.

I'm going to just take a, you know, I'm just going to do a little, I don't want this guy around. I'm going to make a little magic pop at him as I roll by with the lightning splash. Yep, a little splash of lightning. That's a dex save on his part. Okay, what's the DC?

14. No. Mm. Dex service? Hold on. Of course it is. No, Jack's service? Hold on. Worse than yours. No, he fails. He fails. Oh, he fails. Oh, that's not bad.

That's 11 points of lightning damage. 11 points of lightning damage. Yeah, he's a little disheartened at the turn of events. What did you think was going to happen? My god. He plants his hand in Triss's blood and slides it to the right. I'm going to grab the kid and start moving

towards the ladder. Nobody's cleaning the blood. Nobody's trying to clean the blood. We're a little... I should have been using my blood cleaning magic. You start making your way to the base of the stairs at the top of the chamber. Yep, thank you.

Okay, Gnok Gryll, you're up. I am going to... I'm going to step up to the bottom of the Mehrunes statue. Yeah, Gryll and Ock. Yeah. And I'm going to stick the edge of my mechs like under the base of the statue. Yeah. And I'm going to stick the edge of my mechs under the base of the statue. Yeah.

And at the same time that I try to use it as a lever to knock over the statue. We going Kiwi now. Yeah. I'm going to use my magicka and I'm going to cast, at the same time, Stone Fist, which sends a shockwave of force damage out, so hopefully aid me in the attempt to knock over the statue.

The 30-plus foot statue? Love it. Yeah, I'm hoping I can find a weak spot. Right. She's really strong. I'm really strong. You got to look. There's usually a flashing light at some spot on the creature, so you got to look for that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Roll, roll. This is a costume. You don't have to roll to hit. It's a statue. Right. Roll for damage. Okay, I'm roll.

Is it, I'm not trying to destroy it. I'm trying to knock it over. Just use my max. Absolutely. Okay. Actually, you know what? Do me one thing. Roll a d20.

Okay. Just for fun. Just. Just for fun. Just... Just for fun. Roll it. It's fun! It's so much fun. Could be. Okay. It's not fun? It's not fun. Okay, now roll for damage.

It's no good! It's not good. Now I roll for damage with 3d8 force damage. I would've gotten creative for a 20, but give me that damage. Nine, 11, 11. Wow. 11 total. You have force damage. You shove your max under there and it goes

and a crack goes. Cool. And one arm goes. But does not let go, and a splintering, bigger guy goes through the arm, the one in the air. Okay, okay, that's something. That's not terrible.

No. The entire room goes, and the arm goes. Everybody roll a d20. Oh no! And just tell me if you got under a five. What? Sure.

What did you do? Here you go, hey. Cool, cool, cool, cool. What about four, what'd you get? I got three. Okay, cool, cool, cool. You take 14 points of bludgeoning damage as a massive stone arm

falls between you and you do your best to leap out of the way, but it catches you on the back and shoulder and you're going to feel that when you're dead. And your arm almost gets pinned under and you feel your forearm pinched and you pull away and there literally just is a blood bruise from hell and you're bleeding down your forehead.

It pinched me! Are you okay, Grecnal? I'm fine! I pull out my healing potion and take it. Oh. Nice. Tavima, you're up. Crap.

Okay, shoot. Hot Boy is just shell-shocked, just watching. There's no redemption arc here for my guy? He has not snapped out of it by you. You could do it. I can't. Just kiss. What just happened? Oh, you're absolutely right.

Thank you. Tavima! Natural 20. Wait, what happened? What happened? To be fair, he's right. Thank you! Damn it! Natural 20. Wait, what happened? What happened? To be fair, he's right up against the statue, looking up at it, so he's nowhere near that. Was it like that Buster Keaton thing where the window, he's just sitting right where the window is and just.

Perfect. Fucking natural 20. Just kiss that. Tavima, after leaping away, is going to just walk up behind him. Yeah. And is just going to look actually genuinely sad before I'm going to use Sunfire on his back

and just try to incinerate him and hopefully catch the blood on the front, too, and try to burn that away. Okay. I like that flavor. Sunfire. Sunfire. Sunfire is a spell attack, so it's a 24 to hit. Do it at advantage because he is not good.

Please don't make me crit on this. The second one was a two, so. Okay, cool. 24. Yeah, hits for sure. Okay, I'm so hard-broken right now, I hate this. 18. 18 points of fire damage to him

and a d6 of fire damage. It's supposed to be to any other enemy, but can I try to send that fire damage to the blood to try to burn it off of the statue? Sure. Cool. Okay. Five points of fire damage to the statue. Where Grelnok, I had to think for a split second, which one is it, sent a crack up at fire,

sears and singes up along that very crack. And Mehrune's, Dagon's chest just glows like veins of fire, but it holds. However, Rennix, fire spreads through his body and he doesn't say anything. Doesn't turn around. You don't even know what expression he had. He just goes up like a Roman candle

and is gone. Wine bottles continue to fall off of the shelves that you have on the lower floor here. I catch one without looking. Yep, you catch it. Boom. Go, go, go, go, go. Yeah! Far above your hair.

We're out of initiative. Oh. But we're not in happy fun times. Yeah. He summoned the song. I feel like I could have been happy, which is wild because I've known him for 20 minutes. Yeah, he was just hot, huh?

No. He was really just hot. He clouded your vision. He was like, there was a moment. I don't have a lot of moments. Someone take care, Hlaa, will you take care of this young, young? I've got the young one. You've got the young one?

Yeah, yeah, we're getting out of here. I'm already taking the kid up. I'm going to run up the stairs. I throw to Vima the other greater healing potion. You're pretty messed up, sir. Yeah, I're getting out of here. I'm already taking the kid up. I'm going to run up the stairs. I throw to Vima the other greater healing potion. You're pretty messed up, sir. Yeah, I'm dying. You mean you're broken inside and the outside. She's just bleeding. She's like,

yeah, I'm emotionally in a lot of pain right now. Yeah, that'll feel good for like a minute. Okay, I'm going to drink this. Thank you. You will heal inside one of these days. You down it on the run, and you guys start carefully running up these stairs as best you can as the whole place continues to shake. You come up through the bottom of Grelnok's skull.

The entire bar area is just shaking, and glasses are jingling where they are. Are we heading outside? Yes. Yeah. You bust out the front and look. On the way out, I'm going to just say, Rex, Rex, on me! Yes! Yes!

Rex, Rex. Rex is hovering over your shoulder. Rax is, I don't know, MIA, something must have happened to him. You bust out the door, have a split second to register that there's an old man passed out in a chair right by one of your arcane heat lamps. With a blanket over him.

And you find chaos. Three beings that look to be made of fire and swirling, molten viscera are throwing themselves in a fury at both Grelnok's skull and the golden goose. These figures bubble and hiss and throw sheets of flame against the walls. But that is not the worst thing you see. Looming large and ominous over this quiet corner

of Grotwood stands a rip in the fabric of Mundus itself. You stare into a gateway to oblivion. A shrill and imperious voice shakes you out of your horror. If it isn't the fine people of the Leaky Hole. Excuse me. You look up across at the Golden Goose and on a balcony high up, you see the tax collector,

cloaked in dark robes, similar to those worn by Triss and Rennix. You know, I tried to run you off this land with bureaucracy. Then I tried to remove you off this land with bureaucracy. Then I tried to remove you the old fashioned way. But you lot are doggedly persistent. In the end, I decided to get what I needed by just slipping in underneath. I drink your milkshake.

What is a milkshake? What is happening? It's probably something they sell at the Golden Goose. Probably. But it's delicious. milkshake. What is a milkshake? What is happening? It's probably something they sell at the Golden Goose. Probably. But it's delicious. He raises a black, metallic rod into the air, blood dripping from his own hand and down along his forearm.

And now at last, we stand upon the edge of oblivion. Another horrible shriek rends the air around you. Everyone roll for initiative while I set up the map. Oh! What? This is my first mapping experience. I'm very excited. I thought this just meant we all died.

Whoa! Oh! Oh! Oh! Is this what this feels like? It feels bad. Yeah, it feels bad, man. It's scary. It's bad here.

What is that? Oh no! Oh, I don't like that. That's moving! That's a voice. That's a thing that's moving! Oh my gosh! It's on fire! Oh, that's rad. That's so cool. That's horrifying.

Is that battery on? That's fantastic. How does he do that? It's really on fire. That's fantastic. Is that battery on? That's fantastic. How does he do that? It's really on fire, Sam. That's fantastic. Oh, fire buddies. Someone got their iPod Touch involved in the map making and we love it. Is that an iPhone in there? Traditionally, it's iPod Touch.

That's a gate to oblivion, Sam. Yes, Sam. That's so cool. That is really cool. Oh, which. What are all these things? There's so many bad leaves. Is that just fire?

Or are those bad people? Those are, you can call those Flame Atronachs. They are beings of pure flame. Flame astronauts? Flame astronauts. Tax collector goes up here. I don't know if you can see him, but he's going in this balcony.

Oh my gosh, how cool! The tax collector. He's such a bad boy. Okay. So good. Now, hold, everyone. This is really cool. Hold! Wait till you see the whites of their eyes.

Okay. Why the gollum-y eyes? There's little lights in there that just went off. No, that's not it. Oh, no, JK Rowling, sorry. Oh, do I have a little? There we go. Some of us keep emergency laser pointers.

Oh, it's just the trick the newbie, me. You might have one of these at your table. I don't know. Yeah. All right. Maybe not. It's fine. Can we please call out if if anyone has an initiative, over 20? This is not going to be good. How about 15 to 20? 19. I bet I rolled lower

than you this time. Oh, 17. 17 and you got a 19? 19. Okay, so Tavima. These guys are doing the most right now. Aw. Ooh, I'm out of everything important. Hey, while we were running, did our... Yeah, everything resets, right?

Oh, that's right. That's right, there's a little bar, there's two little color bars that float around you at all times, and as you leap one battle and run to the next, it goes. Perfect, thank you. I was good for a second.

I am out of stuff. Who got... So that was 15 to 20. How about 10 to 15? What is wrong with you two? How about five to 10? Eight. Wait, if they match again, I'm going to scream.

And you two? Ready? On the count of three. One, two, three. Ah! Oh my god! Vex and Percy strike again. Amazing! I've been rolling poorly.

Me too! More for this game. Okay. Okay, okay, okay. Let's get into this. Let's place you on the board, guys. Ooh, yay. Oh, cool. So you've all just come running.

Out of the skull. Ooh, yay. Oh, cool. So you've all just come running. Out of the skull. Out through flame and fire, and an old man farting in his sleep. Aw, I love old man tears. That area's going to be so flammable. Where's our horse? How's he doing? Sad Horse is here, by the way.

What do we do with that kid? Sad Horse. I was just going to tap the kid and tell him to run off the board. Okay, so the kid is? I don't need his blood anymore. Here for the moment. Oh!

All right. Run away, little triangle. To Vima. Doesn't have legs. This is how I was born. To Vima, what you going to do? Okay, so there's bad stuff right in front of us. Oh yes, right here.

You ran right out to, your place is on fire. Yeah, again. By the way. Yeah, again. It happens. I don't even really feel bad about that part anymore. That just is, that's a thing. We're well past feeling bad about that. Yeah, it's very good at being on fire. So I'm going to run up and attack the guy

trying to light our place on fire. Okay, so just a straight line right here? First, I'm going to cast Backl attack the guy trying to light our place on fire. Okay, so just a straight line right here? First, I'm going to cast Backlash. Oh god, do I have a sense of if fire will hurt a thing made of fire? Seems kind of dicey. Yeah, it feels bad. I do not do Backlash.

All of my damage is fire damage. Whoopsie. There's a non-fire thing on the board. Yeah, so we're just going to run forward and do a hit with the longsword. Sure, go for it. Dervan. Devon?

Diven. My name is Diven. Davon. Drenlok. Davon. 17. Fippen. For sure hits. Cool, cool, cool.

My crystal palace is gone, right? My crystal sword? Yeah, that's a one-shot. Nine points of slashing damage. Got it. And then I'm going to put a stamina on it to puncture. Good for big stuff. So I need a DC 14 dex, dex back.

Fail. Cool. Damn. Where is a d10? For another eight points of piercing damage. Ooh, you just knock entire guts of molten magma out of this thing's torso, and it drips and falls. It manages to flame back up, but it certainly looks very weakened.

Hey, against all logic, swords hurt hot. So do that. And then I use my bonus action to shield wall. Okay. And the sword is like, your sword is heated metal at this point. I hold the sword. I do the like buckler thing of just putting the hot boy on top of the shield.

Awesome. Oh, that's cool. Okay. That takes us to Hwa. Okay. Everyone, there's a lot of fire. We're going to be okay. I got the icy stuff and I cast Frost Cloak on every one of my choosing,

because I'm not the bad boys, even the child. So y'all get plus one to AC, resistance to cold damage, whatever. And if you're hit by melee by an enemy, that's a three damage to them. Thank you. So remember that, because I'm a cop. Yeah, I'll remember.

It's cold damage, if that matters. Nice. And then I will, since I'm going first, I'm going to go ahead and scoot back to the kid and try to get them to run south, away from here. This is very bad. They probably don't want your blood anymore because they took care of that on their own.

So if you just go, they probably won't chase you. And the kid just looks at you going, Ah! Okay. No more pie. This is a triangle. Yep. He doesn't have a mouth.

Hey! He says a four. The kid goes, Can't roll away, either. We have the plus one from the cloak, too, so it's now okay. Yeah. You hear Diven snickering from up in the balcony. Kill him. Shut up, David.

At long, long last, and his hands swirl in a circle. Go after him, go after him. And more fire begins to swell in his hands, and he pulls his arms wide and there's a big roiling sphere between his hands. Oh no. A massive fireball comes your way

and hits right here. All of us? All of you. I'm going to use my reaction for Bone Shield. Actually, you know what? No, I'm going to just take it. I don't want to use my Stanima. A dex save. Okay.

Don't forget, you have a plus one to your save. Oh my god. Oh! Natural 20. Let's go! Two. Ooh. Nice. I should have used this.

17. All right, call them out again should've used the shield. 17. All right, call them out again for me. Natural 20. Yes, that's good. 17. That's good. Nine? Okay. 14.

14. Okay, okay. Okay, so. And a child. Oh. Have the child. This child just out of the blast zone. Saves. But. Cranberry. Okay. It doesn't make. This kid's out of the blast zone. Saves. But.

Cranberry. Okay. It doesn't make. This kid's going to turn into cranberry sauce, I feel like it. No! No cranberry sauce on the board. Hua, you take 11 points of damage.

Everyone else takes six points of damage, and the child is knocked off his feet and blown back onto the cobblestone. He's... The child's on the ground. Oh no. Can you use your mushrooms on the child? I can when it's my turn, yes.

It's AoE, so you stay close, you all get back. What did we take, six points? Six points if you saved. This is the worst guy ever. This Diven. I hate him. We really should have killed him. You see where he guy ever. This Diven. Hate him! We really should have killed him. You see where he's standing up on the balcony?

Oh! Oh! And he's higher up on the roof. What?! It's going to be harder to hit. He teleports. Oh no. You go fast. This guy. How do we get up there? Oh, let me see.

Just throw your max up. We need a sticky stuff. The max is really big. But you're really strong. Then I'm good at climbing. You killed a statue a little bit. Yeah. Okay, there he is, perched above. Man, he's fast.

Now we're on to Atronachs. So they're going to fight back. La-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-do. Okay. What's your AC, Tavima? 18. Okay. Well, that is a 20. So that hits unless your shield helps.

I got a five on the die. Excellent. Wow. This 1d6 is just like, I got you. So your shield just erupts and you hold it up away from you and you watch fire gutting all around it, like a halo or a sunflower, and you can feel it hot against your forearm,

but you manage to protect yourself and stave off the attack. Yeah. This one comes, five, 10, 15, 30, and it keeps coming, five, 10, 15, 20. No, it's a close call. Gets right next to its companion, and five, 10, 15, 20, 20, 30,

five, 10, 15, 20, 20, 30. So they don't do anything because they've spent their time burning their way across the road, but they're right up in your grill. And now we are at Slaughtergrim. Slaughtergrim. Slaughtergrim. All right. That guy, Diven's probably what, 80 feet away?

Or how far is it? That seems like a good guess. I can't really do much to that. Not this round. Okay, so action. I will first use some stamina and throw some orb-like webs will eject from my...

Show me that movement again. Good. Okay, good. Let's just say they eject. Like, my vest is so nasty that it just like sloughs off and webs come off of it. And I'm going to attack the two that are close together and see if I can get them both in trapping webs that will make them unable to move.

Okay, okay. Dexterity 14 save. Natural one. Yay! Yay! And? Oh, both of them? Sure. No, that's not right. Three. Okay, great. So they're both stuck.

They're both stuck. That's it. That's it? Okay, great. They can make a strength check to try to get out of it, but they cannot move. So they're grappled. Yes. Okay, so they can't move from that spot.

Okay. Yes. So the necromantic webbing around them, like flames burst through and around them, but they just sort of glisten poisonously through it and hold in place and they push and surge towards you, but can't get any closer. Any other little tricks up your sleeve? I will then move my movement to try to cross the street towards Devon.

Okay. 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30. I'll say I get that far. Okay. That's pretty much my moves. We'll leave it to you. Oh, and then I'll say,

I don't know if they can move independently, but I've only seen Rex emerge, but I'll say, Rex and Rax, go serve D'Vaughn dinner. Rax comes bursting through the stained glass window, which smashes open. And it's trailing behind Rex like he does so much. And they are moving slowly across the road. Got it? Okay, next is Mallory.

I'm in a tricky position. Am I actually engaged with that one? Oh, and I'll just also yell. No, I'd say there's five feet between you. I'll just also yell like, hey, by the way, next round, those webs are going to explode, so maybe don't just stand right next to it.

Okay. Okay, I'm going to also head across the street at, let's see what 30 feet gets me, with a little bit of distance between the two of us. I don't want to be too tight. 20, 25, 30. I get up there. Are you using the rest of your action to move further?

I was going to say, am I within 60 feet? That guy's still like forever away. He's not 60 feet away, is he? It's kind of hard to tell. Kind of hard to tell. Don't have any of Matt's tricks back there. I just use my guesstimating brain. I just moved 30 feet.

You just moved 30 feet. That's more than 60 feet. If I'm eyeballing it, it feels like more than 60 feet. I'm going to use the rest of my movement to cross the street. Where do you want to go? This way, this way, or this way? Straight across to see if I can get some cover from that jerk.

15, 20, 25, 30. Got a little bit of cover. Yep. Okay, you're there. As long as he can't see me, that's good. Next up, Grelnok. Grelnok! Am I right next to one of those things? One of those things? One of those things?

You are, yes, you are. Oh, because I put, no, you're not, because I moved the wrong mini before. So Tavima's there and you're actually here. All right. And I'm going to run away from those things. I'm going to also make my way. Following the same path.

Make my way across the street. Five, 10, 15, 20. I'm going to run toward... Hmm. Is there anything on the ground? Any low balconies I could jump up to, maybe, that I could see? That I should run towards?

Well, there's a set of stairs, and I can't quite get over there, that gets higher up towards the roof there in the middle. I'm going to run towards the stairs. Okay. Five, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30. You're on your way. Things are burning, too, everyone.

Have you gotten 30 feet away from him? No. No. What if I jump up in the air? Yeah! Jump. Everybody jump. Well, we'll have to see what the dice tell us. Okay, I'm going to jump up in the air.

Okay, and? Try to cast Molten Whip on him. Great, I love it. Jump for it. Jumping Whip. Hop, skip, or what is it? Jump rope. Skipping a whip? Yeah.

When I hit the peak of my jump, I'm going to cast Molten Whip. Okay, cool. Castlevania. Roll an attack. I got a turkey leg. Okay. An attack? Yeah, at disadvantage.

Hurtful. It's on the roof. Yeah, that'd be cool. Yes. How'd you do? How'd you do, La? With my disadvantage? Yeah. I rolled a one. Oh, really? On my disadvantage. My first one was a 17.

Oh, wow. That would've been so good. That would've been really cool. Yeah. That would've been really cool. Instead, you leap and You hit the deck. up and the roof whips and breaks and tiles break off and go flying and scatter down all around you.

And just the tiniest little fire starts right there from your hit. All right. I'm okay with that. Where's Mingala or whatever? Don't know. I don't know. I've seen.

Tavima, you are up. Okay. So I am currently in melee with some bad boys, but they're whipped, or they're webbed up in about two, splode? Yes. For my bonus action, I'm going to cast Hardened Armor because I don't have any magic left.

And the one that you're locked with, you fucked it up. Okay. But I've seen those webs do work. He looks very bad, so I'm just gonna dip. Okay. Move away. Where do you want to go? I'm gonna start heading across the street, too, and just get some eyes.

Okay. As close to the middle of that main thoroughfare to look at the rip into oblivion. 30, that's your movement. Yeah, I'm just gonna think about that a little bit. What the hell am. Yeah, I'm just going to think about that a little bit. What the hell am I looking at? At this? Yeah, it's a big hole. You are looking into another place

that is full of fire and destruction and chaos. It is not just color and flame in front of you. You are seeing in the far distance, things, unimaginable things flying through the air, crashing to the ground, guts of lava spitting up into the air. It's another place entirely. Cool, cool, cool, cool.

I'm a Templar, so I'm just going to throw up some quick thoughts and prayers to that god I worship that we all know about. Uh-huh. Absolutely. How can I go about un-making this boo-boo in the universe real quick? How can you undo the gate? Yeah, I just, is there a check I can make or a prayer to, once again,

the god that we're going to dub in that I definitely have to say? Let's say make an arcana check. Cool. Oh, you mean the blah blah blah god? Yes, the one with the name of that one. To be ADR'd later? Can I have advantage? Oh, that was a 16, that's not bad.

Just a 16. Can I have advantage? What is it? It's okay. I'm not going to, this is not where I'm going to plead with you, 16. There is no divine intervention coming to you in this moment. You are horrified.

Yeah, that sucks so much. So that was half your movement, though. Yeah, okay. I got to try something at this thing. Let's throw magical fire at it in hopes of cauterizing the rip in the world. Okay, okay. I'm going to try to hit it with Sunfire.

Let's do it. And see what we get. Oh shit, 19 on the die. 24. To hit? To hit the hole in the world. And the distance on Sunfire. 60 feet.

Sure, absolutely. Cool, all right. You probably could have hit Diven with your 60 feet. It's further away. He looks further away. I was listening when you were talking about distance and I didn't think I could get over. But if you'd have jumped.

Listen. You don't have that high a Grelnok jump, all of us. That got me very good. Thank you very much. That went to, oh, goodbye. We ignore it. 15 points of fire damage and a d6 of fire damage to anything

that's within five feet on the other side of the rip. Okay. You extend your hands out and fire gusts out from your arms. There's a lot of fire in this area, found guys. I'm hoping mine is divine and different. It strikes into this gate and just and there is an explosion as one kind of fire meets another.

And for a second, you're blinded. And then you look back and it continues to roil and burn in front of you. I didn't do anything. It was a good try, though. It was great. You learned something. Yeah, don't put fire at the fire.

Can't actually fight fire with fire. Yeah, cool. That's all I got. Okay, Hwa, you're up. Oh boy, I'm going to scoop up this little child in my arms and I would like to move. I'm just checking, does it count as an action to carry this little cranberry boy across the way?

I'm going to give it to you as a free action because he is thin and brittle. Oh, the little brittle boy. I take little brittle boy. I'm going to try to go, I'm going to head towards the, everything's on fire, that's not great. What's the spiky red thing at the edge?

That is a blast mark out of the earth. And you guys looking around see one over near the edge of the skull and one over near the edge of the golden goose. Oh, this is coming out where the statues are. Aw, crap. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no safe spot for this boy.

Is there light coming up out of those blast zones? They're smold crap. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no safe spot for this boy. Are there light coming up out of those blast zones? They're smoldering. Okay. I'm going to take this boy to the horse. I don't know how far that is, but. Okay. It's super far. I have an idea. That's also towards the giant art gate.

You'll have to arch either through the Atronachs, these beings of flame, or you'll have to take longer to arch around and through them. I bet if you take him off the map, he'll be in the safe zone. Yeah. Yeah. Why don't you just push this boy in the bushes? Yeah.

This poor little triangle boy. He's also out. Yeah, he's dead. He's in a bad state. Is he dead? Try to heal him. Well, it's either two different things. Can I tell if he's alive? Yeah. Let's do that. Let's all do this first.

This is sad. Make a medicine check. This is so upsetting. Jesus. That is a seven. Seven. You put your ear close to his mouth and it's very imperceptible, but there's a little tiny shallow.

Okay. I put him in this pink tree to the south instead. Right next to that flame wall. Listen, there's no way we're supposed to play. Push him off the map. Push him off the map. Can I push him off the map? What's the other side of this map?

It just keeps going. There's buildings that are far apart in this part of the Grotwood. Let's just say I put him in a safe spot somewhere that's not on the battle map area. Okay. If we all die, this kid's going to die. What about the little bird shed

I used to have for the birds that's out there? Sure. I just, off the map, I just put him in there. I will say, though, he is in bad shape and he's on his turn, he's making a death save. And I cast Fungal Growth. Well, I was going to take him, then cast a thing.

Okay, cool. Yeah. Okay. So you run him, I'll say it's this far, to your birdhouse. Sure. And slide him into it like a pizza in a pizza oven. And you put your hands out to him and mushrooms just sprout up all across his body. Woo!

And you watch as the blackened, charred quality of his skin grows warmer. And it's not entirely gone, but it is mostly now normal. Yay, he gets to hang out there for three times. He's a little triangle boy. Yeah, the tip of the triangle had burned away, but it reforms, and now he's a perfect D4. And a cute triangle.

Aw. Oh. What's the opposite of inspiration? Despiration. Perspiration, all right. Any other tricks, Hwa? No, that's me. I'm going to chill in this birdhouse with the kid.

Okay. Yeah. Oh, it's gone. Oh, should I roll his first healing? Yes. Keep fighting! Oh, I get a two from there. That's a three. Okay, and as you look at him, he sort of, his head comes up.

Thank you. Aw. Yo, ask that kid if he can kill a demon. No! I scream across the battlefield, no! The kid's probably like, the restaurant's out. Diven's. Yeah. Diven's laughter can be heard

peeling out from the top of the golden goose. I hate him. And you look up at him and see him point this black staff, which glows red as he points it at the Gate of Oblivion. And once again, you hear that deafening shriek curdling your blood, and the gateway throbs.

No! Before you can even inhale to scream, a massive, scaled and terrifying blood-red reptilian face fills the gate and pushes its way through into your world. No! Massive clawed hands reach through, pushes its way through into your world. No!

Massive clawed hands reach through, followed by a towering, roiling body of muscle, scale, and flame. Dragon-like, but this monstrosity steps out and rears back on its hind legs and massive claws outstretched to his sides. Vast and dreadful wings unfurl, and this titan,

this ash titan, screams in fury once more before slamming its hands thunderously upon the ground before you. Burn and be reborn! Buy me dinner first. No! That's a real big thing! What? No!

We're restaurateurs! Now, he's on all fours, but our guy in the theater of your minds is on hind legs. Oh my god, we are not going to survive this! I hope his secret weakness is Plowman's lunch or whatever. His secret weakness is slightly charred children. Well done. No! All right. No!

Look, all I need. I'm looking for a rebound. And Diven holds his bloody staff, blood still dripping down his arm, and he just kisses it. Rebound. And Diven holds his bloody staff, blood still dripping down his arm, and he just kisses it. Ugh. Ew. And looks down

to watch the fun. Yo, what's your name? A nasty boy. Diven is a nasty boy. Oh dear. Oh dear, you guys. Oh dear. He got out, you guys. Oh dear. He got out, you guys. It happened. 15.

Five. 15. Aren't they netted? Oh, you're right. Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you. These two are, right? Yeah. Yeah. But Tavima is still dealing with one.

So one of the Flame Atronachs chases after you, Tavima. And that is a miss, for sure. I'm done dealing with you. And that is a 20 to hit. It hits. Oh, don't you have your shield trick? No, I don't have it up on this.

Wait, do I have it up on this round? I don't. It was up last round. It wasn't, no, I didn't redo it. You also have cold damage to him when you hit. Oh yeah, when it's melee. When I get a boot. Oh, you're right. It's going to come back. So you are getting swatted and you are going to take.

Let's go. Do some things on the table. Ooh, you take 10 points of fire damage. Ow, and he takes three in return. It's cold, so maybe it's double. But it's more effective. I'm going to say it is. Yes! Cool.

Ow! Ow, it's not working. I'm done with, do you see that guy? I'm doing that guy, you go away. Slaughter Gryffindor. Oh boy, me? Yes. Are we still, boy, what's the strat here? Are we trying to kill the dragon man

or get the staff from Diven? What? Diven. He's not. Can we get the staff from Diven? Is anyone happy? Yeah, go for Diven. Go for Diven, he's controlling the banner. I'll deal with this kid as long as I can.

You know what? It will not be long. I will move across the street. Okay. Five, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30. Jesus, am I within? Oof. I'm within 60 feet of Diven, maybe.

Seems likely. Yeah, because I was almost within 30 feet on my whip. I will do the thing that never works. It will work. I'll take out my- You can do it! Let's go! I'll leave you. You can do it! Which skull? I'll choose a good skull. Yeah.

This one looks particularly gross. I'm going to go, Slaughter, you do this. You're the manager. Oh boy. Well, now it's- Do you need an official CV to have on file? No, you're good. Just fucking throw this away.

All right. I cast my spell, my Ricochet Skull, and this time, instead of Granny Shot, I will Basketball Fade Shot. Yeah! See if that works. I'll even up. Two!

No, you had advantage because I gave you inspiration. Is that true, Marisha? It is this time. Oh! Liam has been in true, Marisha? It is this time. Oh! Liam has been in this a lot. Marisha who? 17? What? Oh my god!

It finally worked! Maybe. You Marisha-struck that guy. Roll for damage. All right. What does this do? It's never worked before. This is the first time, isn't it? I just want you to be manager slaughter. 3d6 fire damage.

Well, let's go. Decent. 11 points of fur damage. That's good damage. He explodes and fire and gets knocked back and kicks and tiles go skittering down, but he catches himself. Also at the end of my turn, my net explodes. Yeah! Let's go.

Dealing those to 2d10 poison damage? Are they immune to poison? Aw, they're atronachs. Let's see. They're astronauts. Well, if they're not, they just got 10 points of damage. The webbing all over them just goes. They're immune to poison. And that's probably the end of your turn.

For sure. Okay, Mallory. All right, am I within, if I just step out a bit, I just want to get what feels like a comfortable 60 feet away from that jerk on the roof. I'm going to say about there. All right. I feel just maybe there.

Sorry, at the end of my turn, I'll just say, Rex and Rax, get that staff! That's all. Got it. Yeah, we're... Got it. I'm going to hit a lightning splash then at Mr. Taxman. Let's do it.

That's a dex save. Okay. Let's go. Roll bad, please. Rolled real well. Rolled real well? Rolled real well? Rolled real well. Okay, that's all of that, then.

Oh, it's all or nothing? Yeah. All the tiles around him get and they fuse, all the tiles fuse, and it's almost like molten, lumpy glass all about him. Oh, I hate this. I'm backing off and taking cover about 15, 20 feet.

Okay. All right. I want to have a little cover from whatever the hell that thing is. Grelnok. Oh yeah, no, actually. Oh, sorry, you're going back? I'm backing up about, yeah, 15 feet into the area there.

And all the tile around Diven is molten glass now? It is all fused together. So it's extra slippies? Maybe. Yes. Okay, where's Rex and Rax? They're floating about here now. Oh no.

Right above the road in front of the Ash Titan's face, 15 feet out in front of it. Rexalia and Raxaldan. Yeah. You're okay, Raggy. Aw! Where's the stairs? In between the two. They're pretty hidden from view. It's between these two large portions,

two wings of the inn. Oh, vibes. Or you could kill the dragon. I can't get up to him with those stairs, can I? Can I run up and leap and grab onto the side of a building and try to climb up or something? You could, I mean, there's a possibility that you could run up the stairs

and try to heave yourself up. Yeah, that's what I'm trying to do. You wouldn't be able to do any kind of attacky stuff afterwards, but you could get up there if you succeed. Oh, what if you held on to the trays and they like... That's what I wanted to know, where were they? They're here.

They're right in front of the bad boy. You could maybe just hop in the... You're literally serving him dinner, just you. Yeah, I don't think they're in the right spot. Oh, hi. What's up? Come here, O. Yeah, I'm going to try to heave myself up.

Okay, so all your movement is used to chug your way up the stairs. You're getting closer and you see that the roof, the edge of the roof is like 15 feet above you. You've jumped that high a couple times. So make an athletics or acrobatic check, whichever you prefer. Athletics.

Come on, Grelnok. Nine plus five is 14? I will say that that succeeds. Yep, you hoist yourself up and catch the bottom. And one of the tiles starts to slip. You catch the one above it and you pull yourself just up to the top, up to your waist, and your legs are just sort are just kicking off the side,

and that's the end of your turn. You look cool, you look cool. It's fine, you look cool. I thought I would be able to get up all the way, maybe on the turn, but cool. We'll do more pull-ups. You're doing it, you're doing it. For all intents and purposes, you are up. Let's go.

Oh dear. Okay. I'll have you. The camera can see that. Yeah, it can. That's fine, I'll go back. You're up. Let's go. Oh dear. Okay. I'll have you. The camera can see that. Yeah, it can. That's fine, I'll go right. You're up there. You're up there. You're doing fine. Okay.

Oh, yeah. Oh, look at me. The Ash Titan. Where is, oh, the Ash Titan. Oh god, we forgot all about the gigantic dragon. Oh, dude. Freaking hell, man. He's trying to do it.

Looks down at his right and just reaches out. Picks up Sad Horse. No! What?! Sad Horse didn't even move when he came out. Sad Horse was just like, whoo, sad. I almost put the key on that horse. Finally.

Ugh! Woof. My dude. You really failed. Did you kill your horse? And this gigantic head comes looming down at you, Slaughter. At me? I'm going to Reaction, use two stamina,

and cast my Bone Shield. Okay. Joke's on him, he walked straight into Rex and Rex. He just walked into Rex and Rex. Yeah. I got a 16. I mean, that hits. That hits.

Is that with your plus two? Yes. Okay, so the Bone Shield gives you extra HP, right? I get six extra hit points. Okay, so the bone shield gives you extra HP, right? You get six extra hit points. Okay, so... You take 10 points of piercing damage as massive dagger-like teeth bite into your whole arm up top.

Oh no! You're thinking that you're going to get pulled up into the air, but it shakes, and you're thrown back a few steps. Ugh! And you watch as the inside of its mouth starts to glow, but that's the end of its turn. It also takes three points of cold damage.

Six, because it's cold! I'll say it's not. Maybe. Nope, I'm going to make that true across the board. Because it just makes sense, you know? Is it my serving arm? No, no, no, for sure not. I'm okay, okay. You serve me.

Okay, so that is the Ash Titan. At that moment, you hear, Oh no, oh no, come on! And two people run out into the field and you see Mangala come running out around the corner. And Vendla steps out of a door. Bjorn? Oh yeah. Steps out a door behind Mallory.

What on earth is going on? What are these things? Wait, they're innocents? We don't know. The two of them look at each other and just look up at the creature, and Mangla just pulls an arrow and gets ready to fight. Yes!

Good boy! Aw. You can always trust a server and a hostess. Aw, I knew it. Oh, they rolled really well. We have no Everest in our means. You can always trust Frana House. Yeah.

Frana's house can't lie. Okay, and actually, Mangala rolled super high, so she takes that arrow, bends back, and fires it at the biggest threat on the field. Yeah. Arrow streaks across the field,

strikes it, it barely even notices though, because it takes, oh, max damage, excuse me. It goes. And that takes us to Tavima. Hi. Yeah. I'm just going to move directly in front of this bad boy and square up. Whoa.

Just be like, okay, get Diven. I got this! Fuck! Backlash. Give me a DC 15 con save. Fail. Beautiful. I don't know if fire damage does anything,

but I'll take the doom. Another eight points of fire damage. Okay. And is doomed, so I do extra damage if I hit with an attack. In the future, right? Which I'm going to attempt to do now with my longsword.

Does a... Does a 15 hit? Sorry. Yeah, shoot. Um. Yeah. That's it, I'm done. Okay. Oh, sorry.

Yeah, no, I used the other backlash. Yep, and I'm just here, because I can't do shield blood. No. Vendla, all five of her, looks around and says, Are you all right? Who needs help?

Oh, she's here. I'm very badly burned. Wait, aren't you in a burn cage? Yeah, no, but I only have like 15 hit points left also. That's fair. Well, who's doing worse? I mean, not great. It's going to get worse, but go ahead.

Yeah, give us time. Actually, how bad are you? I'm okay. I mean, I'm fine. You okay? She will. I think we need to get closer to the fight. She hears you and she clasps her hands together and you see her mouth moving.

She's so nice. And she glows with a pale blue light. And, Hwa, you do feel a surge of wellness come over you and you regain 13 points. Holy crap! Oh, shoot. Okay, I would like to sign up for the next one. Yeah, I hope she has more than one of those in the pocket. Otherwise, I feel guilty.

Please keep her alive. We're going to need her in a second. Keep her alive, okay. I don't have any more healing left. Okay, and that takes us to you, Hwa. Yes, okay. So because I am still on the fungal growth at the beginning of my turn, I take 1d4 of healing.

Yeah, it's a four, it's good. Let's go, let's go. I'm feeling a little better. Okay, so I'm going to move. Can I get within 60 feet of one of the Atronachs? Within how many feet? 60. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. You barely have to move. Awesome. Oh, before I leave, I do tell Spirits Atra Nox. Within how many feet? 60. Yeah?

Yeah, for sure. You barely have to move. Awesome. Oh, before I leave, I do tell small cranberry child, you're going to be fine. Just stay in this healing circle for maybe like eight more rounds. You're going to feel great. Oh, so that child also got more healing?

Okay. And then when you're feeling great, just run away. It's all you have to do. So when I move, I'm going to go ahead and cast Swarm again. Swarm. Swarm. This is a little fire demon, and that is, yeah, four, five, six, seven, 18 to hit.

Let's go. To hit the Atronachs? Yes. Yes, absolutely. I hit one, right, or I hit two? I hit one. The AoE is... Not great. It's... Is it 10?

There's two right next to you. Yeah, they're right. We're there. Oh. Right next to you. Holding hands. Five foot, yeah. Yep. Okay. You need them both.

All right, here we go. It is a DC 14, Conceit. Okay. That is a natural 20. No thank you, sir. You can take half of five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14. Okay, 14.

So the one that got that Tavima roughed up at the beginning of all this just splits in half and breaks as the bugs crawl in and just you watch her, its body just gutting on. The other one gets pushed back, but burns brighter and hotter looking at you. Okay, I'll suck it. Uh, any other tricks?

That's it. All right. That means... Oh no. We are now at... Bad boys. Did we get, like, how hot is this ash titan? It's pretty hot.

Yeah. I just want confirmation from the DM. Two feet, walking on two legs, big, muscly chest. You're talking about super handsome. Yeah. Okay. He's got some good facial scales. Chiseled. Chiseled. Diven sees you coming up at him

and just you watch as fire swirls in his hand and he pucks it at you. And it streaks past your head and hits another wall on the inn and erupts at your back and you feel the spray of sparks behind you, but he misses. streaks past your head and hits another wall on the inn and erupts at your back, and you feel the spray of sparks behind you, but he misses.

You fucking suck. He's going to attempt to get further away. He feels sad. Is it slippery? Does he have to make a death check? Is it hard? Because it's slippery? Yes, he does, but we'll see.

Does he do a bad job? He rolls really high. Oh, I wish he would've just fallen off. Yeah, to his death and broke his neck. That'd be so crazy. That'd be awesome. Okay, now we're on to remaining atronachs. So one of these is gone. It was this one.

And this one goes towards the one that hurt it. So five, 10, 15. Shoot. Five, 10. So five, 10, 15. Shoot. Five, 10, 15. Oh, so close, too close, too close. Gets to you. Oh no, no. And swipes at ya. Okay.

Joy hot boy summer. My AC's super low. I'm assuming your AC is higher than a nine. Yay! So you just simply duck and you hear over your head. And the bug's still burning in its molten body. Yeah.

Ah, da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And that gets us to Slaughtergrim. Oh no. You know what? Right now, your wrecks and racks, I'm not going to get out a platform for Imagination. Yes, please. Platters. Make it up to about here and are hovering in a little circle around each other,

about 10 to 15 feet away from Diven. Okay. Shoot, do I go after Diven again? Yeah. Please kill him. Okay. Am I within 60 feet of Diven? Down here. It's kind of a close call. All right, can I hop up on those barrels? Try to get a little couple extra feet.

You are just out of the range of this flame. Ash Titans, 10, 15, 20. That looks better to you. Okay. I will reel back and prepare another skull to throw, aiming for the arm that's holding the staff, I guess. If you're trying to hit the staff, it's going to be at disadvantage.

Ooh. Just try to hit him. All right, I'll try to hit Diven, wherever I can hit Diven. You're a manager. Come on. You can do it. Okay. I believe in you at disadvantage. I believe in me, too.

I believe in you. At disadvantage? No way. I believe in you. No, I will take my skull, and I will, I'll split fingers. This is a split-finger fastball. Into the eye holes? Oh yeah, into the eye.

Ooh yeah, like a bowling ball hold. And I'll bowl it up. Oh no, not under high. Oh yeah, like a bowling ball hold. And I'll bowl it up. Oh no, not underhand. Bowl it up. Bowl it up. 19. Hey! Hold on, roll it one more time.

I just want to see what disadvantage it would have been. What if it's a 20? It was a 10. Terrible. What would it have been, though? 16? Yeah, that would hit. Okay. Goddamn it. You got to believe in yourself, my guy.

You're right, that's every man of your needs. Confidence. Yes. It's not all about... A handy attitude. Okay, I will roll my... Okay, 10 points on the dice plus three cold, so 13 points of damage.

Let's go. Go! And I forgot, whenever my skull hits, which is very rarely, it just comes right back into my hand. So that was the same skull as before. I'm just throwing the same one over and over. So it went up, it slammed into Diven, and then whipped out and went

off the two platters, and then into your hand. Just hanging from my perch, I go, Nice! I look over from facing down the sky and I'm like, Nope. All right, now we're up to Mallory. But he did not drop anything. Damn it.

All right, seeing what just happened, I'm feeling slightly competitive, so I step up next to you, make eye contact. Yes. Pull out the staff. Let's go. And firing back up again with a lightning splash. Yeah. Yeah.

That's a dexterity save, DC 14. Fail. Yes! I used to wear a lightning splash in high school. Is that why you smell that way? Just start wearing it again. That is 15 points of lightning damage. Woo! It's my people.

He stiffens up on top and goes, blackens, and there's just smoke and steam coming up from around his neck. Let's see how he does on the roof. He falls. Slides down the roof. Rex, Rex! Get up. I'm going to merge with the dragon.

What do you want the dragon to do as he slides past? Staff, it's fine, it doesn't matter, because he's going to roll right on us. Right now, rex and racks. Roll a 20 and I'll vibe check it. 18. 18. The shields circle and circle and circle,

and that circle gets tighter and tighter and tighter, and they just manage to clip and pinch the staff as this guy plummets and falls, lands, and slams into the stone, and you hear. Oh no. Still alive. He's breathing on the ground. We gave you pie, you lonely bitch. It's pinched, hanging between two

slowly now rotating platters above. I'm going to back up away from this giant, terrible red dragon, stepping on him as I go. Motherfucker! And yeah, I'm just going to step back for the rest of my movement. Probably get to there.

Yeah, there. Yeah. Okay. So jaunty in your chef's hat. All right, now we're on to Grelnok. Fuck! I just got up here. I'm going to lift myself. You're some badass. Yeah, lift myself up onto the roof. Okay.

Run over along the edge of the roof and leap off and try to land on the back of the ash creature. Ooh! Okay, make it an acrobatics check. Acrobatics, not athletics? It can be either. Yes! Because I want my players to succeed. Dirty 20.

Ooh, boo-boo-boo-boo! You watch her jump out, sail, and her arms go wide, and she falls. As I'm sailing, I pull my max out from behind my back and slam it down on her chest. Grelnok, are you free on a Thursday? Aw! Okay, roll for an attack.

At advantage, just because, goddamn. Let's go. Ooh-ha-ha! 23? For sure hits. Okay. Yes. I'm going to add my free action uppercut into this. Skadoosh. Skadoosh.

Five plus eight is? What? 13. 13 plus seven! What is that, is that damage? Yeah, that's all damage. Plus three cold, right? Oh, no, that's only if something hits us. Yeah. Okay.

So 15 plus five, that's 20, right? So your max lands and slams into the nape of this thing's neck, right at the base of the skull, and goes, Little vermin! Throw this action, take my claw and slam it down and rake it across his back as well. Go for it.

That is a 13 plus 16. To hit. Oh wait, treat it as a melee. Nope, that's a lie. 21. Let's go. Yeah. Whoa! Okay, and then.

Ride the lightning. Choo-choo-choo. 3d8. Let's go. Yeah. Whoa! Okay, and then? Ride the lightning. Choo-choo-choo! 3d8. Let's go. Seven plus two is nine, plus three is 12 points of poison damage from the claws. Got it. Okay.

Thing looks, it looked at ease before, and now it looks furious. I look over its shoulder at Tavima and I go, man. Ooh. Oh my. Ooh. Yeah, let's kill the shit out of this. Okay.

Okay, cool. At that moment, a door to the inn kicks open and... Who else is there? The cook comes out. Groth. Groth. The fuck is going on here? I thought he was one of the people. He looks down at the guy on the floor.

Yeah, I guess not. What is this? What is that? He just. And he comes running with a giant cast iron skillet and comes running. The guy on the floor. Yeah, I guess not. What is this? What is that? He comes running with a giant cast iron skillet and comes running. He's just a good chef and a good person? Kind of an asshole.

Comes running out. He's a chef. He's a chef. Passes for the purest of chefs. He's a person. I thought he was the owner. Is he not the owner? He is the owner. Yeah. He's a good guy? The owner's a good guy. I don't know.

Not everything's black and white. Oh! It's complicated. My boyfriend had to be a bad boy. Cool. This lore. Swings the cast iron skillet up and he just slams it into the thing's chest. And you see a scale go.

Ah! Shit! And that is the end of that turn. The Ash Titan. Oh no. Ash Titan. Takes a step to the left, looking down at, I can't move because his wings are too big.

Takes a step over, looking down at Tavima and at Groth and knows there's something on his back. But first, he goes, Make sure that works. It does. And liquefies Diven on the ground. Oh. Oh. Once again. He will lunge down.

He deserved it. Yep. And... That's only 15. 18, reaches down and bites and tears off Groth's arm. Oh! No! What? With the skillet in the hand.

Oh no! I bet it tasted good. And then his wings curl in and sweep out. I need Grelnok. Yeah. Mallory to Vima to make

strength saves. 13. Oh! Oh yeah! Wow. Let's go. Those are all good reactions. 24. 24. 25. Ooh!

Actual 20. Yes! Finally, it's all happening. Oh my gosh. So a gust of wind blasts against you and you feel the wings, the musculature of the wings, these giant rippling muscles come in really close to you and you're like,

and you hold yourself down and dig your hand under his scales and ride it like a bull. And you guys feel this blast of wind go into your bodies and you just slam one foot down into the earth and just hold against it and hold your ground. Yeah! And don't get knocked back on your ass.

Let's go! That's great. Mangala sees the scrum on top of this giant monster but looks over and takes aim at an atronach over there and hits and... What did you do, Mangala? but looks over and takes aim at an atronach over there and hits and? Oh, that's right. What did you do, Mangala? You did.

You did. They were both just genuinely happy to be there. Oh my god. An arrow strikes this flame, being a flame right through the head and the atronach goes and sputters out on the ground. Nicely done.

Nice! That gets us back to Tavima. Sweet. Yeah, big boy in front of me, let's go. Backlash is still up, so let's just do a longsword attack. 18 to hit. For sure.

Cool, cool, cool. 10 points of slashing damage plus, where's the d4? I've never seen one before in my life. Plus six points of fire damage. And then I'm going to got to puncture. So DC 14 dex? 14.

Yeah, okay. And then bonus action, shield wall. Okay. Vox! This thing is not invulnerable. It is starting to show wrens in its flesh and it looks on edge. Sweet.

And I was centering all of those attacks as much as I could towards where Grelnok was hitting at the base of its skull. Got it. We need another skull! Base of the skull was, right, Grelnok got it. Hm? Good, understood. It rears its head back and away from you.

Yeah. After taking its bite from Groth, so its head was low. Good, and that's the end of that round for you? Yeah, I'm done. Vendla. I do want to ask, does he talk? Does he say, like, hey, do you have words?

Vrch! Okay, cool. Vendla comes running out into harm's way and says, It's a chance. Oh my friends, I'm so sorry. This will help. And an orb of light expands out from her, encompassing Tavima, Grelnok,

Groth, Mallory, and Slaughter. Whoa! And you feel a surge of energy in you and all of your stamina and magicka fills out. Yes! I just want to turn you. You are so nice. On fire.

I'm so happy. Okay, so that's it for Vendla. She's actually going to go back 10 feet because this is not good. Yeah, for sure. Ooh, this chair. Diven is road paced, so forget him and Hwa. I really misjudged you. I am so sorry.

You're doing great, helping a little more than I can. Okay, let's do this. And I get within 60 feet of the Ash Titan. Well, you're right up against, so this will take an attack if you get closer. Yeah. Oh wait, what is that? Oh, there's one left? One left. I didn't see behind the tree.

You know, let me just take care of this guy first. Actually, instead of doing that, I'll just get in melee with that little boy. Where you were? Yeah, where I was. It's fine. Okay. And then I attack with my ice staff. Okay.

And I do use my bonus action to get my expert hunter feature, and I'm going to try to hit it. Please, please hit it. Come on. Hit that astronaut. Yeah! That is a it. Please, please hit it. Come on. Hit that ashen knot. Yeah! That is a 17 plus six, which is 23. And that's going to be...

Oh no, 17 plus three, which is 20. Five to three! And I'm wondering if we can get it. We need to close that portal. Don't use fire. I'm on it. One plus one is two plus. How did he open it? I don't know.

I think he was blood. We didn't see him open it, right? Two plus nine, so 12. 11 points of damage. Your staff, crystalline with ice shards, swings up into the air and down and meets fire and steam immediately erupts and the staff slides halfway down into its torso

and its whole body just dims and darkens immediately erupts and the staff slides halfway down into its torso, and its whole body just dims and darkens and goes gray and falls into chunks of stone and ash. Yeah! I did think. And then if I can use the rest of my movement to get behind that bird fountain, it'd be good. Sure.

Like this, maybe? Yeah. Okay. Birbs. Yay, birbs! All right. That gets us to Nom more Atronachs. Slaughter Grimm. Okay. By the way, the staff is still hanging precariously between your two sh- Above me-ish?

Yes, it's slowly going. I will just hold out my hand and beckon them to drop it. Oh, so good. Sure, that's a bonus action. Okay, sure. It falls. Make a dexterity check. Dexterity check is nine.

Nine. It hits your hand. You go, and it goes on the ground down below. Can I pick it up? As an action, you can. Oh my god! What about as a free action?

I tried to give it to him as a bonus action. You roll roll roll. There, there. Mm-hmm. Do you know how I get it? Damn it, Slaughter! Someone else nearby to get it? I will get it, I guess.

I will get it. That's it. That's my whole turn. Get somewhere safe. You're holding it, and it is searingly hot in your hand. You can just barely hold it. I am resistant to fire damage. You feel nothing. You were born for this. Yeah! And service.

The netics. Slaughter, go hide. Go hide? Oh. Get away from this thing. Get away from this thing. You can definitely do that. You can move, for sure. Management does not flee from a treacherous moment. I stand with my staff and with my staff.

Oh! Brother! I will with my staff and with my staff. Brother, I will shove that staff up your ass. Go in the corner. I will stay where I am, but I'll duck behind the barrels. I hope they're not full of gunpowder. Behind the barrels? Yes. Okay.

You never know. Why, who keeps barrels of ether here? You're up. Who would do that? I'm up. What about Mallory? You're right. Why, who keeps barrels of ether here? Who would do that? I thought, what about Mallory? You're right. Mallory's up. I'm going to shift myself so that I can fire a cone at this thing

and not hit anybody else. Yes, you could, hmm. Probably stepping forward a bit. I've been in your way of the entire. For sure, because he's so big, you can hit it, aim for his legs and his ass. Yeah, first, as I'm walking, I'm going to cast Crystal Weapon on Grelnok.

You have Crystal Weapon now. What does it mean? What does it mean? No one's ever used it. No one's ever actually used it, but the next thing you hit is going to have a little bit of a bad time. Sweet. Or at least.

It's like Crystal Light, there's no calories. Okay, so that's round. Purple stuff. And then I'm going to cast Force Shock. Force Shock, which is a constitution saving throw. Failure. Let's go. That's 13 force damage.

Ooh! There's an eruption in its gut as that force blasts through, and you can see red hot bones underneath where the flesh has been blasted away, singed and burning. Any other movement? You probably have another five or 10, if you want.

I'm just going to get a little bit away from everybody else, just to spread out the problem. Maybe a diagonal twist above these steps. I can't see around the corner. Yeah, yeah, yeah, into the barrels. Okay. Now it's Grelnok. Feeling extra special with my pretty new.

Crystal max. Crystal max. Crystal max. New crystal max! Twice the calories, double the caffeine. Do I have advantage because I'm on his back? No, because he's been doing this. So no, we'll call it a stray roll. 13?

Damn it. Oh yeah, do we have advantage because of pack tactics? Because we're a pack? Oh yeah, flanking. We are flanking. We are flanking. Flanking is the word I wanted. We do get flanking bonus.

Yeah, I'll call that flanking. Sure. Now you said the rest of the pack. Come on, come on, yes! That is, that's a natural 19. Woo! We do get advantage because we're fighting. Yay.

We'll call it Crystal Max Tactics. Crystal Max Tactics! So that's, I'm going to add my free action uppercut onto this thing as well. Well, before you do, I should tell the DM that that thing's AC is down by two now until the beginning of its turn. Got it. Shut up.

Crystal weapons, very good. So that's 10 plus. Whoa, 10 plus eight is 18 plus five? That's a lot of damage. The way you said it was like you're excited about math, but I get it. 10 plus eight is 18! Plus five!

Stop trying to make me like school. This is so... Okay. Math is fun. And as my bonus action, I'm going to add a Venom's Claw attack. All right. Yeah! Math!

Oh, because I'm flanking. Do I also get advantage on flanking attacks? Yeah, all your attacks if you're flanking. Let's go. 17 plus seven, that's awesome! Oh my god. So I'm going to do 3d8 damage now. Hold on.

Where's my okay? I am the star. Oh shit, oh shit! 12 plus three, that's 15 extra points of damage. Oh man! What do we have below? Damn. That was...

So many. Two, 37, I think, total. Yeah. That sounds low. Okay. Okay. Y'all done there, Tess? That's it, that's all I got. Okay. One hand strikes down on the ground as he twists his neck around.

Yeah. Dolgengroth. Squished like jelly below this thing's hand. Dolgengroth. Oh shit, he was so talented. And he tries to snake his head around and bite you. It'll be a disadvantage because you're hard to reach. Natural 20 or 12.

Oh my god. Plus. Right, right, right, right, right. So stressed out. For a 20 to hit. Oh, 19. Okay. What's with the plus two? Oh, that's the AC down. The AC is down. So it's going that way. The AC is down, 19. Okay. What's with the plus two? Oh, that's the AC down. AC is down. So it's going that way.

AC is down, yeah. So eight. You take 14 points of piercing damage as he sinks into your leg. You okay there? How you doing, bud? You okay there? But you manage to bash him away a bit with your max and get your leg free. Hurt. And he's just going to,

kind of like, he's not going to move. He's going to circle. He doesn't know what to do. He's low-key panicking as big as he is. He can't just be drunk in the club. Here's my purse. Yelp needs a random button. Mangla pulls another arrow and fires it,

but it goes wide as the thing is like, as the Titan is moving and ducking from side to side. Tavima, we're on you. Okay, okay. I guess keep hitting is the thing that we're going to do here. That could work. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, I have all my stuff back. That's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I have all my stuff back. That's great. Yeah. So backlash again for a bonus action. DC 15 con save. Please and thank you. Seven. That's seven points of fire damage and you're doomed until the end of my next turn.

This is doomed. You're doomed. It's so much more damage. Fire is hurting this guy, right? Or is it helping? It's been hurting him. It didn't have an effect on the Atronachs. Oh. Okay.

Wait, sorry, say that again. The flamey people seem to have no effect on this guy. Okay, but it's okay. All right, then I'm going to Sunfire him instead. Okay. 21 to hit. Yes, that hits. Shitty damage.

10 points of fire damage, And yeah, that's it. Okay. I think that's it. That's it. Okay, okay. How do you want to do this? Ah! She did it!

Cool, cool, cool, cool. I think even though it's like a ranged spell, instead, as he's kind of reaching and craning, I just want to jump up and grab it by the face and like pry its jaws open. And I think in like a weird, my god is dead and doesn't care about me and nothing matters.

I just breathe fire down its throat and burn it. You wedge your hands between massive fangs into the safe place at top and bottom. Let's go. And hold this huge, overpowered jawline around you. And you can feel it pressing down, and you don't think you can hold it, and you see light and fire roiling up in its mouth.

And before it can unleash, you and the back of its skull radiates out. Your blast pushes through its skull and you watch as the eyes and the mouth and the snout just evaporate away from its skull and it's left just blood and gore and singed stone, the look of like, as magma turns to stone and fades out,

and it sinks into the nirn beneath it. You watch as its wings moulder away. And once powerful musculature collapses with rot, you watch as the flesh of this titan disintegrates to ash, the night air carrying it away on the wind. There's a rumble in the distance within Oblivion.

Oh no. And the air closes and the gate and the iPhone disappear. Yay! Wow. Whoa. Amazing. You look around at the rubble. There's flames still crawling up both establishments. Vendla and Mangala have one arm on each other,

holding each other, looking around, looking very out of sorts. The owner of the golden goose is no longer with us. The little boy is crawling out of a birdhouse not too far away, and sad old horse is gone. Oh, yeah.

I'm lost. I step down off the corpse of the ash creature. Put my arm around Tavima's waist and say, I'm glad things didn't work out with Frenix. And I kiss him! Hell yeah! I do a smooch back. Well, I've seen this before.

Both of these things, sorry. I'm actually talking about the fire over here. Oh, we should probably put... I go over, I only have one more use left. I go over, I cast Frostcloak on our tavern. Nice. To put out the fire. I'm just saying this property's probably

going to be up for sale. Maybe, yeah. Our owner is dead, and we don't know how to run this place, so maybe we can work something out. I stopped making out. The two of us. We will totally take over. Yeah, for sure.

We're experts at this shit. The two of them look at each other. Um. We've only been here a week. Could we still keep working? Yeah, he's your boss. I crawl out from behind the barrels. Yes, I am upper management.

I will be taking care of hiring and firing, scheduling work shifts, issuing paychecks, et cetera. So welcome aboard the staff of Grelnok Skull, a really nice whole LLC. How lovely. Manglo looks down on you and says, yes, sir. Okay, I still have a job.

You don't happen to know if the owner had a book collection of recipes, things like that. It's like other things too, but you don't know if any of that. I think he kept it in the basement. That'll burn last. That's nice. Okay, okay. I kick my way over and I'm like,

and I am Voisin, assistant to the manager sometimes, and I will also help train you to know all the ins and outs of how to... I'm here to help, and just your system of seating was so upsetting, and I, you know, there's better ways to do everything, and I have totally lost my character voice, and I will help you.

First point of order, if the manager says this is, maybe put out the fire on your tavern. Oh, okay. I think we have some water inside. And she runs indoors, comes out a moment with a bucket, does next to nothing. Okay, we are going to need many of these, all right. And the two of them run in and out.

I'll just call down the street, run down the street and call to everyone. Hey, anyone who wants a free meal, come put out this fire! A fart! A guy wakes up at a table over by your place. Free! Okay.

Told you. Rips a big one and then hustles over, blearily. Problems! What is the name? It's the rabbit. The rabbit was a bad idea for us both. Look, I didn't want to say anything, but the reason I had to poop was because I had the rabbit. No, we know.

No one was supposed to have that. That had gone horribly wrong. It popped when I opened the thing. It was clearly a windbag. That was, yeah, it, the seal was broken. We might have a whole, not just a single business, we might have a compound now with an inn. Nice holes.

Two really nice holes. Yeah. And three tunnels. I have a proposed name. Okay. The Sad Horse Inn. Oh! That's really good. Yeah, I'm really feeling name. Okay. The Sad Horse Inn. Oh! That's really good.

Yeah, I'm really feeling good about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I like it. Well, Epil, Mangled speaks up. What's the end of the title? Sad Horse Inn what? Yeah. Sad Horse Inn. I don't know, a little workshop here.

My vote is Our Chosen Family. The sad horse in Our Chosen Family. Well, no, not the sad horse. He was part of our family. Sad horse in Our Chosen Family. We are atrocious at naming. Our horse is really bad. Look, this place was called the Golden Goose.

Should we talk more about the horse? We learned nothing from it. No, we don't even. Okay, okay. But I don't have a better idea. The leaky goose. The horse? Goose? The sad goose and the happy, wait. The sad horse and the happy goose. No, this now sounds like a sex thing.

What's it? No. I don't feel great about it. We'll keep workshopping it. Yeah. The sad horse is a good. The sad horse is great. The sad horse is fine for now. We'll do a subtitle later. Yeah. Yeah. And so it goes.

The world of Tamriel is vast and full of endless wonders. And its fair share of terror, too. I've got something caught in my throat. It's the emotion of this moment. It is, it is. That sad horse. Its chapters thick with the relentless creep of evil and the heroes who rise in every age to hold back the dark.

Less often sung about though, no less loved by the divines on high, are the good women and men of this world who live their lives one day at a time, looking for little more than a fire to warm their hands, friends to warm their spirits, and a house to call home. Thank you for joining us for these three tales. And remember, always tip your server. Yes!

Yes! Yes! Heck yes! That's it all. Thank you for joining us. That was so fun! We captured the essence of Elder Scrolls Online. Definitely did. Oh man.

Wow, that was so much fun, Liam. This was a blast. What a capper. That was a great time. I'm going to miss these characters. I know! They're so dumb. Those are the best kind. Yeah. So fun. I had some real fear when the ash creature showed up.

I was like, oh no. I thought it was going to be TBK. Yeah. Had a moment. Let it go. Yeah. Slaughter Grimm! Slaughter Grimm!

Making dreams come true. You try. What an arc. What an arc. What an arc. Well, we really learned a lot here, guys. I had fun watching the first two of these. I had fun watching you guys come together and make this food squad. I was happy to step in at the end

and just want to thank you all for coming along with us. Thanks for hanging out. And if you like what you saw here, go check out Elder Scrolls Online Blackwood now at www.elderscrollsonline.com. Slash bye. Thanks, guys. And that's a wrap for our special one shot inspired by the Elder Scrolls Online Blackwood, sponsored by our friends at Bethesda and ZeniMax Online Studios. We hope you enjoyed our adventure into the Elder Scrolls Online universe. And remember, you can check out the Elder Scrolls Online Blackwood right now

at elderscrollsonline.com slash buy. That's slash B-U-Y. Okay, until next time, Critters. Bye-bye!