Critical Role - The Night Before Critmas

Episode Date: March 22, 2019

Special guest Julie Nathanson joins the cast of Critical Role for a hilarious "slay" ride through Dungeon Master Liam O'Brien's "The Night Before Critmas".Character art by Hugo Cardenas: https://twitter.com/Takayuuki_art

Happiest of holidays to you, hero. You're listening to an elftastic one-off episode of Critical Role on the Critical Role Podcast Network. If you like the podcast, please rate and review it on whichever podcasting app you use. Now tuck in. Santa's got a very special episode of Critical Role. Hello and welcome back to the table. Happy holidays. Welcome to a special one-shot, the night before Critmas. Critmas! We give out gifts.

We give out gifts. We do want to give out gifts. No, no, it's not the same. It makes no sense. Oh man, as I said the other night, the other week, who knows what year that was, I have been sitting on this idea for a couple of years. I've been excited to do it forever.

I'm so happy to have everybody, except Laura Bailey, who is last minute feeling ill and at home, and my twin's gone. We're all sad, but we'll still have fun. And we do have an amazing guest here tonight with us. Julie Nathanson has joined the table. Yay! Yay! Yay! Too late! Too late!

Beep! So it's PVP, Slaughterhouse, Blood Rose. Yes! Yes! Yes! What are you talking about here? We actually do have some announcements, so I'm gonna bust through those really quick.

Let's see, as a quick reminder, we are taking a bit of time off to prepare for the new year and spend time with our friends and family, because you have to do that, because it's life. Talks Machina will return after the new year on January 8th, and Critical Role will return on January 10th. On January 3rd,

we're running an all-work-no-play marathon, Hubba Hubba. Join us at 4pm Pacific as we re-watch the entire first season together. Yeah! And then we just announced new shows, Pub Draw, Mame Drop, and the second season of Between the Sheets. Be sure to check out critroll.com for all the details. Also, really quick, I want to throw a shout out. They're not on the table yet, you'll see them later, but I had some miniature help, both from Hero Forge,

who outfitted us with some, oh, can you tell we're elves today? Yeah. We have some elf miniatures from Hero Forge. My friend Ian Phillips, who has a company called Iron Tusk Painting, painted a mess of them. He paints a lot of stuff for me. I think for you, too, on occasion.

He's amazing. And Jay from Emerald Knights, which is a gaming shop right here in Burbank, supplied me with a very special miniature who will be revealed later. That's it, I've been chomping at the bit for two years, all day, all night, the last five minutes, so welcome to A Night Before Critmas. chomping at the bit for two years, all day, all night, the last five minutes. So, welcome

to A Night Before Critmas. A Night Before Critmas! Yay! Yay! Thank you. Oh, fitness tree. Vigrons in diner. Pubis. Oh, happy day. Oh, shit.

It's that time once again. It's Christmas Eve around the world. All across the globe, little children are brushing their teeth, slipping on pajamas, and getting ready to be tucked in all snug in their beds, only to listen intently for the sound of sleigh bells in the air before they finally, finally, you're welcome, mom and dad,

drift off to sleep while visions of sugar plums dance in their heads. From the sunny coasts of Honolulu, to the hustle and bustle in the streets of Manhattan, to the cheerily decorated shops and lanes of Dublin, to the frenetic hum of Tokyo, magic is in the air. And nowhere more so than the North Pole. It's cold and clear on the top of the world tonight.

The ice and snow of the Earth's frosted crown is shining like a diamond. The stars twinkling down on its beauty and serenity. Or seeming serenity, for as we draw our focus down, down, down, closer to the pole and wind our way towards Santa's workshop, things are anything but calm. Just like every year Santa's workshop

is a flurry of activity in these final hours before old Kris Kringle takes to the skies, but for the first time in centuries, almost all of the denizens of Christmas Village are down for the count. A particularly virulent strain of the flu has ripped its way through the population, and almost every single sprightly-eyed elf here

has been emptying their bowels from both exits for days. Yeah, the twirls, baby. Two exits, everybody out, no winning! Good news is, the production line has been ahead of schedule all year, but that lead time has dwindled away over the last week, teetering dangerously close to falling short at the final hour, and there has been a mad dash in the last several days, with a hodgepodge skeleton crew of eight who have been thrown together out of desperation to finish up the year's toy supply

in time for Santa's big night. You, my little ones, are those eight, or sadly seven. She didn't get her vaccine. We had three regulars from the toy line supposed to be here all the way through the end of the week, but unfortunately, Belle Mistletoes, veteran here in the toy shop, lauded for her skills and recently promoted

to lead toy enchanter this past decade, queen bee of toy production, adored by her colleagues and known by all of Christmas Village as a paragon of elvish can-do attitude, has the squirts. You couldn't be here. Laura, we miss you. Arthur Fizzlebottom. You, sir, are a canned don't elf.

You put off taking on any kind of job in the village, period. But unfortunately, the one thing you do excel at is getting into trouble. And in an effort to drill some responsibility into your father Aloysius Fizzlebottom, greased enough hands with Christmas cookies to get you the job on the factory line. Sorry, buddy.

I wish I had the flu. Mm. And the final ringer on the line today is you, Chutney Chocolate Cane. Not only the senior workshop elf, but also one of the oldest elves in the North Pole. Yeah. As knowledgeable as you are cantankerous.

You miss the Halcyon days of yore when toys were made by hand and built exclusively from wood and metal and came with an inherent physical danger or choking hazard. Lawn darts? Those were your idea. Those are the good old days, you damn whippersnappers. Then there's the rest of you assholes.

Klaus Prigman. Yeah? You never came within 50 feet of a toy till last week when the entire workforce got to shits. Village security is your bag, and you're the best there is at what you do. Christmas Village is a place of goodness and cheer, but it's surrounded by some of the wildest territories

known to man or elf, and it's not that uncommon for the occasional polar bear or looky-loo to come stickin' her nose over the edge of the village borders. Damn fuckin' right. You're the hard-boiled son of a bitch who leads the watch. Fucking deadly with a candy cane, too.

Two of them. Next up, Bunglestein Sprucenberg. Yeah, did someone call my name? You work in the reindeer stables, bottom of the pecking order over there, and spend a decent amount of time raking out Prancer and Vixen Stalls. But you're also good with a wrench,

and keep Santa's sleigh in working order, too, so while a little meek and neurotic, you're not without your uses. If you say so, I'll take your word for it. This is going to be a lot of fun. The big standout at the table, though, this week has to be local legend Cranberry Stockings, the bearded wonder of the north.

There is no bigger. Bearded? Oh yes. Hiya. There is no bigger elf celeb here at the Pole, not only a peerless worker on the lumberjack crew, but three-time reigning champion of the Timber Sports Olympics

in both Christmas tree hauling and speed chopping. I don't know why I'm going to New Jersey, but I am. The dual-colored beard sprouting from your chin almost serves as a visual manifestation of your unstoppable spirit. I like the local traditions, you know, so I try to keep it traditional, but I like to put my own flair on it with a little bit of half and half. Yeah. Yeah. It's interesting.

It's pretty good. Yeah, it's good. Seated next to you there is bundle of cheer, noob, and absolute fangirl, Ellory Jingle Gumdrop. Hi, you guys! Hi! Ellory, you have dreamt your whole life of working in the shop. You filled endless journals in your youth

with your dreams of being a part of the inner circle. The journals led to fan fiction, the fan fiction led to internships, and at last, the impossible happened. You got tapped for the big league. I know! But in all your daydreaming, you didn't expect to kick off your entry to the top

on a wave of projectile vomiting. But here you are. It shimmers, though. Ooh. And finally. The bucket is half full on that one, right? Oh yeah. Rounding out our workforce is the previously long absent elf, Nutmeg Gingersnap.

Hey. Not many here at the Pole even remember Nutmeg much. She's been off living in New York City, working as an emissary through the offices at Macy's and doing a little bit of intelligence work for Santa. What the fuck are you looking at? Keeping a bead on the ever-involving tastes in toys. American kids, especially, can be pretty fickle.

Unfortunately, Nutt's cover was compromised. Santa had her pulled from the department store and whisked back to the pole. The Big Apple changed Nutmeg, though, and it's been a hard marshmallow to swallow for her workshop companions this week. Nutmeg, it's been a while. How you been doing? Yeah, I've been all right. You know, just coming back here. New York can change you, you know?

It's at Macy's, it's just too big, there's too much going on, there's too much Christmas there. Well, that's all right. At least here, there's way too much Christmas here. You're not really escaping much, my apologies. So there we have it. Not the best of circumstances, but hey, it is still Christmas, and it's hard not to feel a little spring in your step, even if the clock is ticking

and quotas are on the line, but a fire crackles in the corner. The sound of tools, hinges, and sandpaper going to town fill the room with a quiet chatter of activity, while the smell of a fresh cut tree and candy canes waft through the workroom. But, you know, quiet tension still radiating throughout the group as the countdown clock on the wall

is reading 35 minutes till go time. Oh fuck. From beyond the heavily frosted over windows of the workshop, you hear steps crunching through the snow outside. Crunch, crunch, crunch. The door clatters open. Jingle, jingle, jingle, a blast of frigid air

swirls over all of you, shaking the Christmas tree in the corner of something fierce and in walks the oldest elf in all the North Pole, Bixby Quimbarump. Bixby is your senior, Chutney. He has served as right hand of the Claws for centuries, and while frail in frame, he is the engine that keeps this operation going year after year.

He is also the only other elf besides the seven of you who is not horking in a toilet tonight, and he is showing a little weariness after a week of tanking on this Christmas. How y'all hanging in? Everybody still a good cheer? Oh yeah. It's cold out there.

That air is biting straight through my bony old ass. Listen, Santa will be over here shortly. He's just stopping in to check on the missus right now to see if she's able to keep any food down yet. I think she was worshipping at the porcelain altar last night, poor dear. I'm sorry to hear it, Santa.

You and I know what that's like, but that comes with the later centuries. That's right. I usually catch it in like. That comes with the later centuries. That's right. I usually catch it in my pants first thing in the morning. That's why Santa invented elf typers. Let me see your progress. Jiggling jingle bells, we're kind of close here.

Stay on task, people. I tell you what, I'm going to go to the kitchens and grab some cocoa from the stove for you lot. Keep at it. And he's out the door, ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling. And it's about this time that you are all reaching the final stages of the current toy you're building, Vox Machina action figures with Vestige Rip.

I need everybody to roll a performance check to complete your toy. That's not good for me. Who rolled me? Did I? Oh. We'll go from Chutney on down the line. That's it! Nine! Okay.

I rolled an eight. Okay. 17 plus two. Okay, that's good, that's good. A six, what do you want from me? I don't build this shit. Holy cow. I guess I did okay, a natural 20. Okay. Eight. Oh jeez.

Oh, I have a 17 and then a plus two, which is 19, because I can math. Okay. 20 whatever. 20, okay, all right. Well, Arthur and Ellory and Bunglestein, your Vox Machina figures are perfect. The Vax's wings, they work, they go. Vex's toy, looking hot.

And the trinket is almost a little too anatomically correct, so score. However, Chutney, your keylet's proportions are way off. She's way taller than the Vax toy. It doesn't make any sense. The Grog that you made has half a beard. Listen, I don't make toys either. This is too hard.

Your Scanlan figure has a pyramid dick instead of a cube, doesn't work at all. I never watched ice camera action. I don't know what the fuck she did. And the fun buns just keep falling off your pike, so no good. Nerd shit. Yeah. Ding-ling-ling-ling-ling.

Bixby Rant is carrying a heavy tray of cocoa and does a double take looking at the tree in the corner, seeing ornaments falling over from his earlier entry. Oh, cripes! Weren't you going to tell me the star is falling off the top of the tree? falling over from his earlier entry. Oh, cripes! Weren't you going to tell me the star is falling off the top of the tree? I hope not.

I cut down on quite a strong one over there. Well, it's no wonder nothing's going on in here. He sets a cocoa down on a table and he shuffles over to the tree and picks up the familiar, to all of you, clockwork star from the ground. The star of pure intent. It has a decent-sized ruby set at its center

and golden cogs ticking quietly behind the latticework design of its outer shell, and the ruby is pulsing subtly. How do you expect to get these toys finished in time without this blasted star on the tree? Get this back up there, fizzle around, get this to the top of the tree, do your job. Vixie, you listen to him, he's been here a long, long time. The river old man.

He roughly shoves it into your hands. I'm going to climb up the tree, I guess. All right, make it an athletics check, I think that's what that is. Athletics or acrobatics? Whatever you will. I'm going to be fancy. Okay. Acrobatics? Whatever you will. I'm going to be fancy. Let's get some acrobatics, man. Natural 20. Ooh!

I somehow, yeah, I don't even make eye contact. I'm just going to flip up there, put it down, and then just drop in the corner. All right, so eyes partially closed. Parker, Parker, parkour, not looking at it. Dabs on the way down. You are so good! You're so good! I've been waiting to watch you do that, and that was amazing.

It was so good. Thanks, I guess, but you know, it was cool. Yeah, well, I think his dad did parkour classes for him anyways. Oh my gosh, that's amazing! Your dad did, whatever, man. I don't have a dad. That's cool. All right, maybe. All whatever, man. I don't have a dad. That's cool. All right, maybe.

All right, maybe. Just at that moment, a little brass medallion tinkles on Bixby's belt, and he mutters, ah, I love it, holds it up on a chain and eyeballs it. Klaus, you know this medallion. You wear it on your belt most days, not this week. Santa has assigned your customary duties to Bixby so your younger, more adept fingers can be put to use in

this crisis. No. What's he got going on over there? Sit tight, Prigman. These old bones ain't done yet. Probably just some penguins or something out on the line. Keep working. I don't know. You were complaining about the cold out there. You've been here long enough, you haven't adjusted. Maybe you're not fit for the outside, you know? Maybe someone like me could go ahead

and take up their post again and not worry about this fucking present bullshit. Listen to me, I didn't get to be head elf by sticking my dick in tree holes. Well, I did that, too, but I did a lot of other things. So you sit there and I'll go do my job. I'm not disrespecting your ability to vanish into various shrubbery,

but what I would like to do is not be dealing with this fucking thing, and just slowly break the toy I just missed. No, listen, crafting toys is an honor. It's a privilege. Yes, look at this, I fixed it right here. Some assembly required. There, go, ship it, we're done.

Assembly, I remember when toys were one piece of wood. You and your fingers. Ah! Might I just remind you that some of us are very happy to be indoors doing anything and not out in the stables shoveling the excrement of vixen. I think you should appreciate what we're doing here. I mean, it's an honorable position.

You go ahead and fix it for me. Okay. You want to fix mine, too? This is why I got demoted from making toys. I don't know how to do any of this. Sure, if you want me to, I will. Oh yeah, you're just going to take on the workload of everybody but Will Nudge.

With the current toy, make a performance check at advantage. Natural one. And that's a eight. Eight. Arm sticks back on. It's together. It might need the Wand of Mending. Bixby carries with him, but for the moment,

he is now cursing at you guys. He lifts up a little list from his pocket and says, all right, so the next up on here is the mighty nine. I guess there's nine of them. All right, we'll get to work on that. I'll be right back. Ding-a-ling-ding-ding-ding. He's out the door.

You know, I got a mending cantrip. I can actually, here, I. You can? Oh, thank you, bearded one. Uh-huh. You don't want to touch it? Oh. Yeah.

You might not want me to. My hands are covered in fecal matter. You're not very good at it, I'm just saying. But the toy does reform magically. It's all fixed for you? Thank you, I appreciate it. Sure, whatever you want. Wrap it haphazardly in a sack that's crumpled together,

the ribbons wrapped around and then taped on. All right, congratulations, Steven. All right, now with the star in place, I need you all to get to work on your Mighty Nein figures. Take the next five minutes to do that, but at advantage because of the magic of the Star of Pure Intent. Performance? Ooh!

Yeah. Ori. I got a 13! The star of pure intent. Performance? Yep. Fuck. Okay, all right. I got a 13! Same. Let's go online. I got a 22. Okay, good. I rolled a five and a four, so it's a six. Okay.

I got another natural 20. 13. 13, okay. I have an 18. Okay. Damn, showing off, good work. Plus, wait, wait, plus things. Plus two. Plus two, that's 20!

Just like, but not natural. I lost my train of thought. She's smart. She's playing D&D. So smart. You're doing it, Julie, you're doing it! You're doing it, Tinker. Did you get it? 15. 15? Yeah.

Man, these are almost perfect, except for yours, Klaus. You built the Kayla, but you left out the Crippling Gilt, so he's barely recognizing it. You figure I'd know all about that, but Jesus Christ, I fucking ragballed that one up, and this is for Sam. Sam Hogg, wherever you are, congratulations. Ah!

Ding-a-ling-ding-ding-ding-ding! Shh! Okay, listen, listen to me. I have been elfin' elfin' this workshop for well nigh 400 years. I'll be damned if we're going to miss a kid, you understand? We need a little music for that extra edge. He picks up a list, the list he had before in Scant says,

okay, I'm going to need a pile of teddy bears and or honey badgers, each with an assortment of hats, and I need it in ten minutes. The big man will be here any minute. And he walks over to a cabinet on the wall and opens it, and you only see this once in a while, only in emergencies, a fiddle, beautiful fiddle with holly leaves and berries dangling from it and beautiful green sigils and

sigils, thank you, along the sides of it. He pulls it out and he begins to play a rapid ditty on it. As he does so, you feel your fingers begin to move impossibly fast. You find yourself sewing bear parts together with an alacrity that is not natural. My mission is the other ones now. Okay, speed round. Three rounds here. We're doing bears. Down the line, start with Chutney. Add advantage.

Three rolls? Five. No, no, no. Yeah, at advantage. Three rolls? Five! No, no, no, yeah, two rolls, so what'd you get? That's a nine. Nine, okay. Going down the line. 11. Okay. 14. Okay, coming through, Klaus.

Oh no. Five. Okay. 16. 16, okay. 15. Speed round, speed round, good, good, good. 13. Okay, 13.

I'm going to simplify the skill challenge. They are all beautiful except for Bunglestein. You tried to do a honey badger, but it looks like a bearded guy with a pompadour. All I know is reindeers. I don't know any other animal anatomy. I think it looks great. That's a great Elvis he got there.

Thank you, that's nice, but I know that you're just humoring me. No, no, I really like it. Even mistakes can be beautiful. Oh, now you're just calling out my mistakes. I get it, I get it. Feel like that guy would smell like cabbage. Mm-hmm, probably. Yeah.

He definitely has a foster-esque. Oh, that's a compliment, though. Yeah. Is it? Yeah. Oh, okay. Ding-a-ling-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding. Oh shit. Oh, oh jeez, look at that hair. He pulls out this long, thin, green and red

swirled wand and waves it over, and it does largely what Cranberry did with the wand, poof. The beard falls away and covers up the bear patch he left on the sallow man's form and it looks a little bit more like a honey badger. Well, okay, that did the trick. Congratulations, elves, we have just done the impossible.

We have finished the year off, understaffed amongst a sea of puke. That's some good work there, folks. Boom-de-ling-de-ling-de-ling, the door blasts open and in walks the man of the hour himself. Santa! Santa Claus. Chetney, are you all right? It's such a privilege.

He pats you really hard on the back with his giant, meaty Santa hand. Can you touch me? Yeah. Merry Christmas, one and all. I can't tell you how much I want to do the whole thing like Brian Blessed. But I won't do that. Bixby tells me things have been going swimmingly,

and from the roots of it, he's absolutely right. Fine work, elves, fine work. That's a boy, Chutney, that's a lad. I know the last week has been hard, and trust me, this is one for the record books. I don't want to tell you what the inside of my master bathroom looks like right now. Rainbow sprinkles everywhere!

Rainbow! Ho ho ho! But we all got through this flu season and hopefully it will have finished going through us by New Year's. He starts to pack up the final toys that you've done, looks at the foster honey badger and just definitely tries to slide hand it into the trash.

He puts it into his giant, mighty sack of holding and tosses it over his shoulder and says, Bixby, Blitzen is ready to go. Go fetch the rest of the reindeer, it's almost time. And Bixby does that, he heads to the door, and Ellory, you keenly notice that Bixby, as he's walking out, looks to his waist and pulls out that brass security medallion again

as he's leaving and is muttering, going, if it's not one thing, it's another. And he's out the door again, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch. Chutney, you spring chicken, how's the arthritis treating those knees? It's actually okay, I've been taking some glucosamine and it's really been helping with sort of the bone on bone grinding.

You know, I found in around 500 AD, I found yoga. Yoga? It straightened me right out, you should take a look at that. Yeah, because the curvature of my spine has been a bit of a problem, but you know, it comes from making so many excellent rocking horses. Yeah, because the curvature of my spine has been a bit of a problem, but you know,

it comes from making so many excellent rocking horses. They don't make them like that anymore, do they? Kids, they want their snitches, their flitches. They get those switch and, oh, I want a VR headset. Reality, it's real! Let me in! Oh! Is everybody feeling good? Yeah, with all due respect, sir, we've all done a fine job. I've watched and supervised these

fantastic elves in doing it. We have completed. May we please return to our original posts, sir? Klaus, almost. Tomorrow, we reset anew for the future year, all right? Just stay here. You never know when I drop something out of the bag, just hang tight. Do I have to go back to New York to the Macy's? No, Nott, that's all done. Macy's is all done, Nott.

We can't go back there anymore. Thank you, Santa. What happened at Macy's? It came back weird. It's just too much. I mean, I got put in wrapping and not even wrapping anymore, just to bows, because I had a problem with the tape.

You got devoted? I had an accident, and the kids there, it's awful, and all the fake yous. Very uncomfortably says, Well, it's just about that time, everyone. Sit tight a moment, I'm going to toss the sack into the sleigh and check on Blitzen, but I'll be right back.

Christmas is here, and you've all earned a little R&R, especially you, Klaus, you need to take a break. We're going to have a toast in a second to a job well done. Don't move a muscle. And he exits, and you hear crunch, crunch, crunch. Blitzen, you beautiful buck! Are you ready to tear things up?

I'm in desperate need of some fresh air after this week of misery, and I What was that? What was that? Hmm. Why didn't you stop talking? Hmm. I don't know. Hey, you know reindeers.

Is that the sound of a reindeer? Yeah. Wait, would I recognize it as Blitzen's voice? Make an animal handling? That's 18. Oh, you know the tone of every reindeer in that lineup, and yeah, that is Blitzen, and that is not a happy reindeer sound.

Is there a window? Is he all right? There are multiple windows, but they're heavily, heavily frosted here at the North Pole. That doesn't sound like a good sound. I've only heard that once before, and it was when Rudolph was being

mercilessly teased by the other reindeer. They used to call him Mames. It was awful. That was a bad time. I'm going to go to the door and check it out. Are you opening the door? Yeah, I'm going to open the door. Okay, is anyone else with Arthur?

I'll go with Arthur. Yeah, I'm going to open the door. Okay, is anyone else with Arthur? I'll go with Arthur. Yeah, I'll go. I'll stand behind them, getting my candy cane, just like loosely out of their two little. Pick up a fire poker on the way over, just in case. Okay, so Arthur leading the way, and I think, not Meg, you're the first to pipe in. So walking out, I need both of you

to make a perception check. Okay. You're opening the door? Oh yeah, I'm just going to crack it open to see what's happening. Okay. 10. Three. Three.

All right, well, because it's such a thin crack, you see the sleigh about 30 feet away from the front door is overturned and on its side, and there's some snow just smeared, and something has been stirred up right there. Sleigh fell over. Sleigh fell over. What do you mean it fell over?

I don't know, it fell over. Where's the sleigh? What's going to help the guy? Come on. I'm like, what? Oh, come on, we can all lift a sleigh. Come on, just a little bit of teamwork. Push the candy hits back into leather straps.

We know about teamwork in the timber sports, all right? I'm a little concerned about Lord Santa. So everybody's headed outside? Yeah. Okay, well, as you open the door fully, Arthur, and everyone's crowding out behind you, you see a very strange little, I don't know, three-toed animal tracks in the snow,

and they just stretch away, away, away from the front of Santa's workshop, and you see in the tree line, like 80, 100 feet, 120 feet away, maybe, what looks like a basin or something, and there's a giant sack in it, and it is moving rapidly away into the trees. And no sign of Santa?

Are those Santa's presents? Oh no, were they stealing Christmas? We rush up to the sleigh and go ahead and inspect over the edge to see if Santa's present. Okay, as you run forward, you hear from above you and behind you, from the roof, The fat man is Zah! I'll be right back. Everybody roll for initiative.

No! What the hell is that sound? They kidnapped Zah! Wow. Wow. Wow. Nice. Oh, that's terrible. That's terrible, too. Oh no.

I'm just sorry. It's terrible over here as well. We're all just really bad at this. Oh boy. I... It's not great, but it's nice. I've been surrounded by flu and puke all week. Whoa! This is cute!

Yes! Oh my god. It's going to! Yes! Oh my god! It's going to fly! Oh my, it's so cute! This is amazing! Okay, so. Fucking shit. Arthur is orange.

We have color-coded our elves today because these miniatures, these fantastic miniatures were made far in advance of the game. So I'm going to say, and Klaus, you had gone to check out the sleigh. And then I think Nedmeg, you were behind Arthur. I was behind Arthur. And I'm just going to willy-nilly put you all hurdy-gurdy here. Okay, and we have this

interesting woman here. It's one of those Laura who's not here? Oh, you're right, you're right. Bye, La. We love you. Bye! Okay. Okay, so we're going to go from high to low. Oh, wait, wait.

Okay. Okay, so 25 to 20? 22! Okay. Okay, so 25 to 20? 22! 23. 21. Oh, gosh. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You young son of a bitch!

You're coming for my job! 23, 22? Yeah. 21? Yeah. Which way makes sense, start here or start there? I don't know, that's sad. Start on your right hand. Okay, Arthur.

Chutney, not Meg. Okay, 15 to 20? 15 to 20? Frickets. Oh, roll bab. Roll bab. Oh no. Nope. Okay, okay, 10 to 15? Awesome. That would be great!

Five to 10? Five to 10! I got a seven. So that's you, that's you. Seven, okay. What else do we get? She's eight. Eight, okay, that puts Ellory here. One to five. Fucking five.

Yeah, that's all four for Cranberry, yeah. Wow. Right, right, right, where's all my stuff? Where's all my stuff? Here it is. There it is, okay, okay. Merry Christmas, everyone. You're good.

Try to be a good role model, you know. Mm, did I get it wrong? I got it wrong. It's always nice to be a good role model. you know. I got it wrong, I got it wrong. It's always nice to be a good role model. So a pale-skinned hag of a woman standing down on top of Santa's workshop, leering at you, saying, Eww, fish!

So fresh! And she's leering out from under the brim of a tall, purplish hat and purple, filthy robes. Her eyes hang sallow underneath, and just the teeth look mangy and brown and covered with filth, and she licks those brown teeth, staring at you, and then you hear. Off to the sides in the treeline are two more fun guys.

You see a red, dark-skinned figure with horns and a tail lashing behind him, carrying some sort of metal staff with which look like octopus tentacles raking it across the snow, menacing like this. And over here is a dead guy. A dead guy. You see a dead corpse of a man, maybe, with a long, raked, gray iron sword

dragging you through the snow, and one hand just hanging limp, and half of his ribs are gone, and he's going . And we start this battle with Arthur. All right, I'm going to... Oh wow, where's the purple? Where's the purple?

Purple witch is up here. Okay, perfect. I'm going to run to try and take cover behind that weird little flamey thing over towards me. This one? Actually, yeah. But before I do, I'm going to use my shortbow to take a shot at her before.

Okay. So that's... Oh wow, new things, here we go. There we are. Ah, what is it? There we are. Shortbow's shot is... 23?

23 hits. And I assume I do not have a sneak attack advantage yet. Nope, nope, you are not hidden. So that's just seven points of damage. Seven points of damage, roger that. And then I'm going to try and hide behind that little tree over there, just try and take some protein.

This one here? Yeah, if I can make that. Well, you got five of movement. Five, 10, 15, 20, 25, or you could try to do this one here. Yeah, that'll do. Roll a stealth check. That's 18. Okay. And the arrow, did you say bow or crossbow? It's actually a short bow made out of an erector set with sharpened erector sets that have tiny sharpened Legctor set to have

tiny sharpened Legos at the end of it. Right, so that sharpened Lego streaks in and sinks into her throat and just dangles out hanging and she goes. And now we are on to Chetney. Yeah, ah, fuck it! Let's go! I haven't thrown down since 1756!

And I'll use my 25 feet of speed to run towards that demon thing. Five, 10, 15, 20, 25. Yeah! I'm not afraid. It's just a frozen lake I'm standing on. No, no, no, it's all snow. It's all ice and snow. I want to make sure.

Chutney's one pier. Yeah, come for me! That's it, that's my action. All right, Nutmeg, you're up. Okay, I see this and I'm going to cast... Oh man, there's so much that wizards can do. I'm going to cast Mage Armor on myself. Okay.

Mage you armor? You'd think with how long I've lived there I'm going to cast Mage Armor on myself. Okay. Mage Armor. You'd think with how long I've lived there that I could do a better accent. Can I do something else? I can move, right? Sure. Okay. There you go, help her out. I'm going to go, I'm going to move over to my, to old man over here. Chut.

I'm going to move over to old Chut. I'm seizing! Five, 10, 15, 25 movement? Yeah. Oh wait. Some of you have greater distances. 25. Okay. Chut!

Coming to you in Q1 with Gertrude. Can I also get my weapon at the ready? Sure, you can pull that weapon out. What kind of weapon is it? I take it out, and it looks like a branch, and at the end of it, there's a ribbon. So it's a... A ribbon branch.

A ribbon! So like Olympic-style. Olympic-style ribbon! Yeah, got it. Will you do figure eights? Oh, cool. Okay, so you stand. Will you do figure eights? Oh, cool. Okay, so you stand there doing menacing figure eights of this fiendish enemy.

You better keep away! And Ellory, you're up. Contemplate all the miracles. It's me? Yeah. Okay, so. You can move, you can attack. And you have a bonus. It's so exciting.

I just don't know what to do with myself. I was thinking that I would like to move about 25 feet, which is what I can move, because I've been studying my own movements. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And where would you like to go? Who do you want to go for? Is that her or me?

No, that's... Oh, this is Elric. The pink lantern. Yeah, he got the lantern. And I would like to move kind of over by Chutney. Chutney. You want to check five, 10, 15, 20, 25. Recognize the alpha.

Oh no! Five, 10, 15, 20, 25. Recognize the alpha! And the thing is that in my fan fiction, you always have done better than a lot of the others when there's big battles. So I want to learn from you. So, but then what I was thinking is that now that I'm in this range of, looks like I'm around 30 feet from a whole bunch of you, so I was thinking maybe everybody needs blessing.

Oh! Oh! And blessing, Ellory, affects how many of your friends, if you remind me? Well, it's up to three. Okay, are you including yourself or three friends? No, no, I want to help to three. Okay. Are you including yourself or three friends? No, no, I want to help other people. Okay.

Yes. Nice. So you could reach Arthur, Bunglestein, Chutney, these names are ridiculous, Nutmeg. Or Cranberry. Well, I want to help Cranberry. Oh my goodness. Cranberry's always in my fanfiction.

Okay. And Chutney. Your new fanfiction's been written right now. And Nutmeg. Okay, so Nutmeg, Cranberry, and who was the third? Um, Chutney. Chutney! Chutney. Nice.

Mark, I'm not hard of hearing. Okay, you are blessed. Can you remind the table and me the effects of Bless? Sure. Let me consult my journals. So well organized. She's the most organized guest we've had. She's the most terrified guest you've had.

It's either Jule or TJ. TJ had the color-coded blinder. That's true. TJ's been doing this for 20 years. I was going to say, he's got decades on me. Okay, back to tearful. So whenever you guys make an attack roll or a saving throw before my spell ends,

the target that you guys can roll a d4 and add the number rolled to the attack roll or saving throw. Nice. That seems useful. Very useful. Yeah, it's very, you know, it's a very noble thing and the scary witch notices it and pulls what looks like

the skeletal arm of a baby out of her robe and points it at you, and three little blackish purple balls of light go . And strike into your backside. Oh! And you take, ooh, cocked. Into my backside?

Eight. What is it, huh? 14 points of crackling, blackened energy against your back, and you feel your clothes singe and your back boil and burn a little bit on the backside. Oochie-oochie, that hurts. Bunglestein, you, oh, and she, and I'm going to use this, she backs up.

Wow, she moves the whole thing. I can't get her to stand any way up. She backs away. And now we are onto Bungalstein. Oh, we got to see if she brings Concentration. Oh! Concentration. Thank you, Klaus. Okay.

You just have to roll above a 10, yeah? Maybe. That's not good. That's not good, no. What about you, Beau? That's a three. A three. But I will say that you are within, where are you? You are within range of the Star of Pure Intent and you may reroll one more time at advantage.

Also, it's three plus your wisdom curve. Which is four. Oh, your constitution. But it's advantage, so we can roll again. One more time, one more time. It's still not very good. Roll again. Okay. Mushroom.

There you go, okay. Despite the burning between your shoulder blades, you breathe, breathe through it, think how this will play into the fiction that you write, and you manage to maintain the spell. Dingle-bouse, dingle-bouse, dingle-bouse. Now we're on a mission. Seeing, wow, wow, this is all so scary.

Seeing that that hag up there is menacing my fellow elves, I'm going to go up there to see if I can protect them. So I'm going to turn around and climb up the side of the building as fast as I can. Sure, so you come to here, make an athletics check. Okay. Athletics, not acrobatics? You can choose.

Doesn't matter. I'll let you choose. 11. Yeah, I'll say that you drag and pull yourself up here and fall in next to this tree, huffing, but it takes your movement and action to get that high. I will movement and action to get that, okay. Well, you moved in a little bit and you had to go up the side of the building.

Okay, sure, sure, sure. Can I, hmm, I will, I'll, uh. I can't see her, right? I don't have a line of sight? No, she's completely out of sight from you now. Well then, from my perched position, I will pull out a homemade, sort of modified slingshot that I stole

from one of the toys that fell out of Santa's bag, and I will fire a, I'm using a crossbow feature, but I'm using it as a- We're reskinned for Christmas, folks. A slingshot, I'm going to load it with a sharpened jingle bell. Ooh, that's nasty.

I'll fire it at this person over here. Okay, roll to attack. Okay, oh wait, you said I used my action. I can't do that. Oh, no, you're right. Wait, but I don't get two actions? How do fighters work? If you want to use your action surge right now, you can do that.

But I can't get a second, it's two attacks or one action? It's two attacks if you attack. Got it. It's two attacks if you attack and if you have the crossbow master feat, otherwise you can only attack once per round. Never mind, I'll just stay. All right, Klaus, you're up. I'm up. Yeah.

Oh man, I thought, all right. Well, looking around this circumstance, I see this undead guy nearby, and I'm like, oh, oh, I can't have someone like this. I'm taking a few of you out of my time, Kimmy, motherfucker! I reach in and I pull out my fighting gloves. Oh shit! Oh shit!

And pull out my two candy canes from the leather slings. Yes! Come on, mother! And I just rush in towards him. Okay, so I'm going to say you were here. Yeah. Five, ten, you're right up on him. I'm going to go ahead and take two attacks on it.

All right, go for it. Go ahead. Oh jeez. Those are slippery gloves. I'd say that'd be a 24 to hit. 24 hits roll for damage. All right, that is eight points of bludgeoning damage on the first attack.

Second attack, that is going to be a 14 to hit. That hits. That one takes seven points of damage, bludgeoning damage. And then because I'm dual wielding bonus action, one more hit. Oh jeez. That's going to be another 14. That hits. And another seven.

Oh jeez. Oh man, so you come up here with your candy canes and you bat them both sides of the head, you go, and then you bring the third one up underneath and go, and you and anyone who's looking sees the bottom jaw go and I kick everything under the table and the jaw lands in the trees.

I point out like Babe Ruth. Yeah. Not for the rest of you. And now we're on Cranberry. Okay, so I go up to Elloroi, just a little bit. Ellory? Ellory. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. 15, you like there? 20? And I come on over to this side, so I can see this guy, yeah. And I just go, you know there? 20? And I come on over to this side so I can see this guy. Here? Yeah. Mm-hmm. And I just go, you know, I just, I would not feel in good conscience,

but I know I'm a big fan, if you didn't also have some sort of protection. And I cast, with my bonus action, hang on, I had it, Shield of, nope, it's tiny now. Shield of, hang on, hang on. Oh. Shield of hang on. Shield of hang on, hang on.

Nope, shield of faith. I love faith. And you get plus two to your AC. And then as my action, I'm going to toll the dead. Oh jeez. So that guy. Toll the dead. Toll the dead. Toll the dead.

Toll the dead. Oh yeah, I'm going to toll the dead, you know. Nope, that's terrible. It's just so terrible. It's the Midwest. It's real bad. Yeah, you know, and it just, yeah, you see two Christmas bells just come over top of this guy,

and he just gets ringed with two Christmas bells. And the effect is, help me out, because I don't have the Encyclopedic Brain. 2d8 damage. Hang on. Sorry, this won't go away. I don't know. 2d8. Wisdom saving throw, 14.

Nope. Oh, really? Yeah!, 14. Nope. Oh, really? Yeah! 12 damage. Okay. The bells knock this guy back and forth, and he was menacingly doing this with his hentai stick, and now he's getting it wrapped on his own leg

and backing up into this tree here. And now we're back at the top of the round to Arthur. You guys seem like you have it covered. I'm going to come out, take a shot at the old hag on the roof again. But this is a sneak attack now. I would say if you jumped back to here, you could get eyes on her. I could get eyes on her? Yeah, I'm just going to eyeball on that. Okay. Do I lose sneak attack?

No, you were stealthed, and I rolled for her, so. All right. Well, as far as you know. Okay, so I'm taking my sneak attack. Okay. That's advantage, if I recall. On Bless? No, I don't have Bless. Not on everything.

If you're hidden. If I'm hidden, but I wasn't hidden, I was stealthed. Yes. Okay. But I do get the sneak attack. Well, but I wasn't hidden, I was stealth. Yes. Okay. But I do get the sneak attack. Well, what do you think? It's your game. I know, but I'm asking you, what do you think? If you're hidden from somebody

and they don't see the attacker, technically you get advantage on the attack. Okay. Merry Christmas. 24 to hit. That hits. And here's the, wow, there's so much sneak attack damage. Here we go, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 11, 12 much sneak attack damage. Here we go, one, two, three, four.

That's okay. Six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 14 points of damage with my erector set. And I'm going to, as my bonus action, hide again. Okay. So you want to maybe go back here? Yeah, all the way back there, and I'm going to, as my bonus action, hide again. Okay, so you want to maybe go back here? Yeah, all the way back there, and I'm going to hide. All right.

Okay, she is now porcupined with erector set pieces and is spitting a little bit of bile and swearing at you. And that brings us to the bearded devil who steps out towards you and, oh no, he just goes to here, and he cracks the whip twice around his head and slashes at you, and three hentai tentacles go. I like it!

What's your AC? It's a 13! Okay. No, but didn't you get blessed? You got my blessing?'s a 13! Okay. Oh no! You got bless? You got my bless? I got bless! Okay.

That doesn't help you to have it. I didn't think so. I think you feel the same way. Okay, so the first tentacle rakes across your body and you feel little suckers go and leave a stinging jellyfish sear across your cheek. And the second one misses, and the third one wraps around your

leg and yanks at you, and you feel the burn go right through your elf's stocking. That skinny little leg, you take three points of some kind of damage. Where is that stinging sucker damage stuck for muta? It's just bludgeoning, it's just octopus damage. Bludgeoning damage. And he moves around to here. To here, even. Okay, and now we are on Chutney. It's time for revenge.

Time for revenge, motherfucker! Feel the wrath of a craftsman! And I'll rush at him from the side. My god. I'll take out it from the side. My god. I'll take out my wooden mallet and my chisel and I'll shove that shit in his arm! Shit! It's an eight! It's an eight?

No, no, okay, so he just, he totally just kicks one leg up in the air and your skinny little old man elf leg slides under and you feel a little muscle in your knee go pew! Oh shit! I'm going to bonus action disengage. Okay, where? Which way are you going? I'm going behind him! Behind him?

Okay, so you went from there to there, so you could do, you want to go here? 25. Yeah, that's right. Okay. Look at me now. All right, Nutmeg, you're up. Okay, I'm going to take my ribbon wand and I'm going to put it in circles on each side of me and each time I do a circle, I step in it

and then I'm going to whoosh it out and I'm going to send a firebolt right at him. Oh jeez, okay, at the devil? Yeah. Firebolt? Firebolt. Ooh, yeah, I like it. It is a firebolt. Let me double check.

Yep, it's a firebolt. Mm-hmm. Okay. Okay, so I roll to see if that works. Yep, roll for attack, Jivah. Shit. Wait! We already got the blast.

Am I close enough to the Star of Sweetness? Not for attacks. It doesn't work for violence. It's a natural one. Oh my gosh. The firebolt starts to stream away from the spinning of the wand, but manages to catch the wand on fire a little bit and it spins around and you've whipped it. The centrifugal force of your whipping actually sends it around. It's so much! And it burns a hole through your hat

and flies straight back up this way and you see the witch skitter down the roof a bit to stay out of the way. Was it, did you use any movement? Did you need to do anything else? Did I shoot magnets? Yeah. That's awesome. No, I'm going to stay.

All right, all right. Well, I want to get a little bit closer to the star. Okay. How close do you need to be within range of the star to get it? It's hard to say. The tree's right inside the door. Who knows? Oh, the tree's inside the door.

Never mind, I'm going to stay. All right. I'm just Oh, the trees inside the door. Never mind, I'm going to stay. All right. I like the sleeping in the hay part. Klaus, the dead man in front of you takes his sword and raises it up and slashes it down at you. I fucking dare you, come on! It's a 14 to hit? No! Okay.

I catch it in the middle of my two canes, pull him in with this jaw, tongue, and just look him right in the eye and go, Oh, you got to try that again, buddy boy! He reaches over the sword and over the candy canes and tries to claw at your throat with his hand. But you manage to hoist the candy canes up and he pushes his arm and he's going, My turn next, asshole! You manage to hoist the candy canes up and he pushes his arm and he's going. My turn next, asshole! And Ellory, we're on you.

Yeah, so I don't like the really creepy guy right there. Okay, okay. He's got spikes. And I'm going to go right up to him. Okay. I'm going to go right up to him and I want to take my lantern and I want to hit him over the head with it. All right, roll. And I want to say,

you're mean! Roll to hit. Okay, that's an eight plus five, so that's 13. Are you blessed on yourself? I did not. No. I did not bless on myself. I have armor, but that's for later. The good news is It just hits.

And it bongs him on the head. Did you want to put a little bit of radiant joy into this hit? Yes, yippee! All right, the spirit of Christmas flows through your body and... We all feel it. Oh!

And your patron, of course. The light of joy! Wherever Santa Claus is, he's proud of you. So roll for damage on your lantern hit and add that radiant damage as well. That's right. This guy? Yes, the d6. Eight!

Plus the radiant damage for cleric. I know. Which is? I'm just kidding. It's a d8, isn't it? I hit my sleep, I know that. You remember that, Pickle? I think it's a d12.

I'm just kidding. Are you referring to the additional weapon damage? You're talking about channel divinity? As a cleric. What am I thinking of? Fel attack? Are you thinking the paladin's divine smite? No. No. No. I think it's a d8. as a cleric, what am I thinking of? Fel attack? No, not the cleric. Are you thinking the paladin's divine smite?

No. No? No. I think it's a d8. The cleric at level? That's attack with my lantern is one d6 plus two plus one d8 divine strike radiant damage. I remembered something.

Yay! Not what it was called. So now I need to do the d8. Yep. Which is a seven. Oh, wow. Okay, all right. So the lantern strikes down and it flares

from the four holes on all sides and just and it's like a green, two sides, green light flares out and on the other two, red light flares out and you in the distance hear and the devilish figure's horn bends as you hit him. Nice. Do you hear maybe a faint sound of hallelujah

coming from my lantern? Just sometimes that happens. It might be in my own ears. That one, that really awkward, slow Watchmen scene version. Okay, so. Let's get rid of that. This gal here starts to float out over the field.

Oh no! 25. I'm going to say to about there. starts to float out over the field. Five, 10, 15, 25. Oh no! I'm going to say to about there. She's airborne! Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god. Let's put her there. There she is. Yeah! She's trying to survey the battle.

She doesn't see you, Arthur, but she does see Cranberry, so. Six. Three more of these little black beads of hatred fling through the air, and you don't see them coming, but they crash into your shoulders, and you feel like the sides of your beard start to singe a little bit, and you take nine points of damage.

Me? Yeah. Oh no. Nine. Oh no. Oh no. And now we're onto Bunglestein. No, my corey just took off and started flying. From my perch, I will now arm and fire my makeshift wrist rocket or whatever.

Mm-hmm. And yeah, let's just see if I can hit. Okay. 19 plus Bless. Definitely hits. Well, that's terrible. And I won't even bother rolling, but it was two. Okay, so that hits, and it's 1d8 plus three damage. So I'll roll that now.

Okay. Six, nine points of damage as the jingle bell flies into the back of her head. Okay. She, the jingle bell beams around the side of the head and you hear it go, and she starts to fall out of the sky and crashes right into this tree.

It goes and balls, and little bells scatter off the tree, and you hear her go. She hits the ground. Gets a little bit of fucked up there. Oh my god, I think he's here. I think he's here. I don't get a second attack with a crossbow, right?

No, that's a feat, though. It's just melee. Anything else you want to do? I'll use all the rest of it. If I have an action, I'm going to jump off the side of the thing and run towards her. Woo! Make an acrobatics check.

Mm-hmm. That's cocked. Natural 20. Oh, yes! I will say you get all the way. You roll right off of the sidewalk and then come into your three-point stance right there and just catch the full stench of her backside

as you're right over her. Yeah, I mean, I'll just hum to keep myself from passing out. Here comes Bunglestein, here comes Bunglestein, down the Sprucenberg way. You hear just the sounds of glass ornaments shattering and she's like in this tree right in front of you. You're doing it, Bunglestein, you're doing it!

Her smell reminds me of the stables. All right, killer, you're up. Oh yeah. As I'm holding its sword aloft in the air and staring it down in the face, I go ahead and shove the blade upward and do a double strike towards its torso to try and bisect it with both sides of the arm. First attack is a nine. Does not do it. No, so the first one goes wide, but I reach forward with the other.

That's going to be a 12? Uh, no, no. There is so much of his upper half missing that you were thinking, you know, you practice on elves daily, and this guy's taller and missing many parts. So the candy king. One more attack. Go for it. Oh, 19.

That hits. His fighting gloves sharpened. There we go, 11 points of bludgeoning damage. Ooh! Okay, you take out the other side of his ribs, a huge chunk, and now he's really just being held up by this umbrella stick in the middle. It's very precarious looking.

He's looking rough! Now, did you? I'm going to use my action. That's right. Or my movement. Movement. I just want to, like, ah, you you? I'm going to use my action. Or my movement. I just want to, like, ah, you look like I'll get to you later. Glancing back at the enclosing of the other creatures that don't look quite as hurt,

I'm going to go ahead and move my full movement away from it, taking the attack of opportunity and head towards the middle area between where the devil and the hag are. So here, okay, so first, what's your armor class? 17. Does not hit. You streak away.

Ding! 10, 15, 20, 25. That's it. Yeah. All right. We are now on to Cranberry. Okay, seeing the hag fall out of the sky, I turn to everybody and I go, oh no, you guys, there's a witch.

Looks like she came over from Halloweentown. So it just won't do, you know? I got to eradicate her, and I walk over to her. Okay. She's on the ground, yeah? Can I get my 45, or sorry, 25 feet of movement? Not Beau. 15, 20, yep, you're right over her. I say, die, witch!

And I just hack at her with my war hammer. Okay. Or it's my axe. Okay, it's a 15. That. She's on the ground, prone. Oh, did you do an advantage? If it's prone, it's advantage.

She's prone. So do a roll again? Right. That's better, 20. That hits. Yeah. And I'm also going to do a Divine Smite. Because that was bad, which is an extra d.

2d8. It's 2d8, so that was eight, plus another eight, 16, plus another eight. Two! 24 total? 24 total. Your wood chopping axe just sinks into her back. Speed chopper! You hear her go,

Not like this! But she's still just a wounded animal in this tree, which is just shaking as she gets vibrated almost to her end. But not to her end. Not the Norfolk spruce! And now we're back to Fizzbottom. Well, seeing that this is going on,

I'm going to run over the witch. She's there. I'm going to hit her with my fire poker. Right in the head. She is flanked and on the ground, so. Tag her. That's good. Fire poker.

Nice. Yeah, that'll Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Nice. Yeah, that'll do. 21. Certainly hits. So that's with Mystique Attack. Yes, sir. That'll do. All right. That's, wow. 19 points of damage? Ooh. Wow. I'm going to keep running. I'm going to use my bonus to keep running and dash. I'm heading inside, because I'm going to grab the star. Okay, she doesn't know what the fuck is going on.

You suck, lady! Actually, I think he gets about here, because he came over from, went five, ten, 15, I'll say 20, 25. But my bonus action I can use is a dash action. Oh, you use your bonus action. 10, 15, I'll say 20, 25. But also, my bonus action I can use is a dash action, so I'm going to. 10, 15, 20, 25, okay. Yeah, I'm heading inside.

Okay. And that gets us to this guy who feels, with his free hand, he feels the bent horn and just leers at you and snarls. Oh no. . And he lashes out with his tentacle stick. feels the bent horn and just leers at you and snarls. Oh no. Fwoosh, fwoosh, fwoosh. And he lashes out with his tentacle stick. First one hits.

Second one hits. Shocked. She's also got plus two in the AC right now. It was a 16, a 17, and an 18. Okay, well, I have 19. Oh! Yes! Plus. Before, before.

Before is modifiers. Our guy's pluses. It's like 28, it's high 20s. No! Okay. We got you good. So, Ellory, the first thing that happens. You're going to add a mat.

Add a mat. You didn't show us your words. You take seven points of damage, but also, Yeah. Hmm. So the three tentacles wrap around your body on your leg, seven points of damage, but also... Mother of crap. Yeah. So the three tentacles wrap around your body on your leg, and he pulls in. You get yanked towards him, and you feel a pulse in your body.

I need you to make a constitution save. Roll a d20. Okay. That's an eight. And my constitution gets zero. Okay. Plus zero. So you feel a sickening wave go up

throughout your entire body, and for the time being, your speed is halved, you have disadvantage on dexterity saving throws, and you can't use reactions for a minute. You can only use an action or a bonus action, not both. That's a lot, it's like slow. I'll help you through that as it comes. All right, all right.

So you are just nauseous and wrapped, well, actually, as soon as he sees you convulse, he laughs and just pulls it away. And moves away from Chucky. I don't feel so cheerful. Oh no. You got that flu? Too much eggnog. Are you going to share?

The tentacle has very long legs. It's like 10, 15 feet? 10, 15, something like that. Son of a fuck. Now it's your turn, Chutney. Goddamn it, I was going to hear a snake attack. You heard Ellery! He just sprang off!

And I'll run in. 15, 20, 25? I start to stab him with my wood chisel! Natural 20! Yeah! Yes, Chudney! 1d4 plus three. Two, four, yeah, okay.

Seven points. Seven total. On a credit card. So you come running in on your spindly little legs going, Wait, no, actually, that's 12. 12 total? Yeah, 12 total. Oh, that's a lot more. That's better. Okay. We just learned why he's named Chud.

Okay, so you come running in with the chisel, and you jam it down into his shoulder, and he just howls at the moon, and you pull, pull, pull, and just blackish red red blood spurts up on him and on you, and then a little more on you, just a ton of blood on you, and now it is Nottman's turn. All right, Nott, you can do better than what you just did. Shut up, Nott. Okay, no more ribbon dancing! All right, I'm just going to get it ready. I'm psyching myself up, and I'm going to, I'm going to,

I'm going to, oh wait, hold on. I love all Christmas. I'm going to give it to you. Okay, wait. It's the modern Christmas. Okay, good, so that won't affect anybody else, I don't think. Okay. You're talking to yourself.

So I'm going to shoot out my ribbon again, and I'm going to cast Chromatic Orb. Yeah, yeah, yeah, roll an attack. Okay. Roll an attack. I can't. Chromatic Orb. It's changing. I don't know what this is. It's a jaw movement.

Okay, that's going to be... Who are you attacking? Sorry, this guy. Demon? The demon guy. Okay, the demon guy. The demon. Where are you attacking? Who are you attacking? Sorry, this guy. The demon guy. Okay, the demon guy. The demon. Where are you, where are you? You know. I'm in front of the flames.

Fucking demon. No, it's on the other side of the brazier. You just can't see it. You're hiding, you're out. Falling down, Maxon. That would be 22. That definitely hits, roll for some damage. All right, that's not easy.

What kind of damage are you doing? I'm going to do lightning damage. You know, it's a melting pot, you know? It is. Multicultural pull, I've no idea. Okay, okay, okay. Very liberal.

Think I'd have more pizza here. Don't tell the conservatives. There's apparently a war on against us. So we fix it. Same. 24. Damn! 24.

This motherfucker right here. This motherfucker. Lights up like a Christmas tree and just stretches straight up his back, burning. Both of the horns are going and his body goes crisp and gets black and stiffly falls backward. You see that tentacle staff just go steaming into the snow. He's dead. Chutney, respect! Nutt man, that was amazing. Chut and Nutt.

What did I just do? Yo, you lit him up! You fixed it! A New York hello. Why am I a New Yorker now? That's fine, watch this. All right, Nuttman, my apologies. Top of that demon, son of a bitch.

It's fine, we all sell this game. You're down! You're down! Okay, so you hear in the snow, crunch, crunch, crunch, and. I'm going to take my move. Oh shit, I'm so sorry. I'm going to move a little bit over to the old hag. Okay, five, 10, 15, 20, 25.

Yeah, perfect, right there. My apologies. That's okay. All right, you hear crunch, crunch, crunch in the snow, and you hear a strike right next to your right foot as a blade misses you entirely. It misses me? Yes. I'm going to go ahead and as my reaction use riposte. Yeah, yeah.

As soon as I hear that blade coming, it slams into the snow. I immediately spin around without looking and just swing the candy cane behind me. I like it, I like it, I like it. That's going to be a 22 to hit. Oh yeah. That's going to be using one of my superiority die

for additional damage. That's going to be, there we go, yeah, not too bad. That's 11 points of damage on that one. Yeah, very nice. You swing around and the candy cane just goes and that thin bit of spine holding him up snaps and the upper half just goes. I don't even look, the type of behind me is I hear it,

and I spin it and wipe the blood off of the candy cake and sheath it back inside its leather pouch. That is exactly what happens. He is no more. And that's a reaction, right? The riposte, that's fucking amazing. Okay, so nutmeg. This guy is gone.

This guy is gone. This guy is gone. Ellory, you are up. Julie, you're up. Lanterns! So she can only use an action? Her action is a bonus action. And can she salute? Half speed. She can do half speed. So half speed and one thing or the other.

I mean, yeah, you can still use an action and then back away if that's what you want. But I'm close to that dude and he's dead. He's dead. He's dead. That's what I'm saying. So the only one going here. Yeah, go for it. Okay, thank you. Yes, your instinct is right.

So I'm having a really tough time because things are hurting and I feel sick, but I'm still really positive because I love Christmas. And so what I want to do is I would like to take a Guiding Bolt. Yeah! And I want to smash the witch to smithereens because she doesn't believe in Christmas. Okay.

You should get her! Right up the butt! Right up the butt! Roll to attack. Guiding bolt up the butt! That's a 10. Plus anything? Plus for the divine things. So hold on, oh wait, no.

There's a teen and a, oh, I have her in front of me. Oh, spell attack bonus is seven, so that would be a 17. 17? Just hits. Yay! Roll for damage.

Wait, no, damage is the D8, 1d6, someone? No, no, no. Go back to your guiding. Help me! Pull up the butt and... What is the damage? One d6 and one d8? No, no, no. Go back to your guiding tools. Help me! Up the butt is... Four d6. When is Galeforsnott going to put up the butt

on the spell card? That's not on my spell card. Four of those. Four. One d8. Two. Another six, so that's 12. Two for 14.

31. Don't do that. He does 12. Two for 14. 31. Don't do that. He does that. Don't help. You were right the first time. I'm getting you an abacus. 14. 14. Woohoo!

Okay. 14. Okay, so you swing your lantern three times, and then on the third swing, a red and green swirling, almost like a peppermint candy, flies through the air, lands and strikes her. It goes up into the air and down amongst your friends

and strikes this hag on the head, and the hat is obliterated. You guys here see it blown back, and you see this wet black coil of hair with one or two worms crawling through it, starting to burn. Would you like to move at all? Mm.

You can go 15 feet. Can I just kick her? Not from over here, you can't. But you can go to there if you want. I want to go to there. Woo woo. Yeah, really slowly. Yeah, you're still feeling woozy,

just shuffling through and feeling the effects of those tentacles on your body. Now we are on to the Night Hag. We'll use this to have a moment to get up. Abish. Abish! She is desperate and just starts running here. Two, oh.

Attack of opportunity. Attack, attack! So both of you make your attack. Is this a fucking statue? Can we get advantage? Because we're still near the start. It's not for attacks. Tripping balls out here.

Well, that's a natural one. Okay. I rolled a natural three. Three, okay, so she just starts booking damage. This Princess Monomariaion will sit out here at the board of the Weapons Institute. There's no ladies first. Sorry, I don't want to be rude.

Oh, you're right, thanks. Got it from Vroan. She got up. So then it's one, two, three, but then she's using her action to... She's making a beeline for him. For the anvil, not the anvil! There she is. And now we're on to Bunglestein. Although, did you ever tag this? Are you making a beeline for me? For the anvil, not the anvil! There she is.

And now we're on to Bungle-stein. Although, did you ever attack this? Yeah. Yeah, both did. Well, she just got by guiding bolt. The next attack on her did have advantage. Oh! So I did? It did have advantage, yeah. I love gut.

I won again! Wow. Never mind, continue. Stay out of this, Matthew! Sorry. Wow. Fate be, continue. Stay out of this, Matthew! Sorry. Wow. Fate, you do. Merry fucking Christmas. Bungle-stein, you're up, for real.

How many? I actually have, I took a feat, so I can move 35 feet. Can I get to her? That's our run five, 10, 20, 25, 30, 35. That's it? Goddamn it. Come on, Bungle Stein.

It's Steen. Oh, I'm sorry. Fucking shit. I guess I will... I can't hit her yet, so I will just use my slingshot again to shoot her. Okay, that is a 16 to hit. That does not hit.

Oh, wait! I don't know my features. Can I rewind and use a bonus action? Sure. To use Fighting Spirit and give myself advantage on this attack? Is that a thing? For which one is this? I have Fighting Spirit as a bonus action. I can give myself advantage on a weapon attack. Is this a thing? For which one is this? I have Fighting Spirit. As a bonus action, I can give myself advantage on a weapon attack. Is this a weapon? Yeah.

Okay. I give myself advantage. That's worse. Oh! I'm not good at this. I'm not good at anything. Just leave me behind. You're doing great, you're number one.

All right, Prigman, what do you want to do? It's a bad cloud over here. All right, so both these little motherfuckers are dead on the ground, Hag's getting away that way? Yep. I'm going to go ahead and... How hard is she looking? She's looking pretty rough. She's looking pretty bad.

Come on, Klaus. Kill her! Finish him! Wear her fur hat! Fuck it, let's do this. I'm going to move my 25 feet towards her as I'm yelling. I'm going to use my action to dash up to her,

and then I'm going to go ahead and Action Surge. Ooh! So as I run up, let's do this. Pull out the candy cane that I had sheathed before and come down with both in a double strike. Ooh, that's a 24 to hit. Yes. Wow.

That's seven points of bludgeoning damage. Okay. Second strike. Ooh, that's a nine. Oh, to hit? To hit, yeah. That does not hit. Then bonus action.

Strike. Ooh, that's a 24 to hit again. Does hit. That is five points of bludgeoning damage. Okay, the first one, she's just moving and doesn't get to her in time. The second one rakes down her back. And she's still moving and doesn't get to her in time. The second one rakes down her back. She's still limping along. There is gore dripping down her back, peppermint flavored, but she is still just barely standing up and just saying,

We tried to serve! That's all that gets out of her mouth. What? She was friendly the whole time. Now we're on to Cranberry. That's all that gets out of her mouth. What? She was friendly the whole time. Now we're on to Cranberry. Is this guy still alive, the undead guy? Only the hag. Only the hag. It's a cookbook!

A cookbook! It'll be faster this way. Sorry, quick idea based on this last thing. Okay, I'm going to walk up a little faster, you know? 10. Just so she's in my line of sight. Oh, what do you want to get, up to her, or? No, just more that she's in my line of sight.

There, you can see over that window. And I use Command. Mm-hmm. Ooh. And I look at the spell. Mm-hmm. To see what it does. What it does. And I command her.

I say, that's super rude of you to just walk away after causing such a ruckus. Yeah. Tell us who you serve. What's your spell, Cece? Wisdom 14. Wisdom of 14, thank you. She did not make it.

And it's on my nine die, and it was the first time I rolled a nine. Nine! She looks over your shoulder and looks horrified at you. Just a conversation. Wormsack! She say worm sack? Wormsack. Sure. She serves a worm sack?

Wormsack. Yeah, went to school with him in 1573. And that's probably the end of your turn, right? So Arthur, we're up to you. I'll take a shot at her, since I'm here. And that's 24 to hit. That hits. And that's sneak attack damage,

because she's in the way with someone. Yeah, do something useful, Arthur. Just collecting unemployment on the couch. What's that? Can't hear you. That's, oh my fucking god. How did you deal with this? This is some broken ass shit. Hold on.

28 points of damage? What? What? 28? How did you do this? This is what you were doing that whole time. Whole time. The entire season one, Jesus.

Arthur Fistlebottom, how would you like to do this? Hey! I've always wanted to see someone choke on a Lego brick. And so as she's saying Wormtongue, just the Lego gets lodged right in there. It doesn't actually pierce, it just gets lodged terribly. Right, so she turns around and feels compelled to spill the beans to this tiny little diminutive,

dual-bearded elf and says, Wormtongue! Oh no. Oh god. He's really choking. Crashes in the snow, dead as a doornail. Careful of the choking hazard. I'm going to dart in at the end. Oh fuck.

Yeah, you're choking seven and oh. Oh my goodness. Okay. As the scene calms, finally, you hear and notice for the first time, really, in this fray, that Blitzen is off behind some of the trees and is just hoofing at the snow, terrified. I'm going to run over to Blitzen

and see what's wrong with him. Blitzen! Sure. Him? Her? This time him. You worked with him, you should know this. I never looked. I just cleaned the dung. Who doesn't look?

I'm going to run in and grab the star. Okay, make an animal handling check. Animal handling. 16. Yeah, make an animal handling check. Animal handling. 16. Yeah, as soon as you put your hands, you reach all the way up to Blitzen's nuts. You know, his nuts. Nuts? Nuts.

As you practice your elven soothing technique. I'm okay! I'm all right! You're like, wow, I never checked, but they were right there the whole time. Maybe this is about Christmas. As you reach up to Blitzen Snout, Blitzen calms and just starts nuzzling against the top of your head.

I bet he does. It's okay, boy. It's okay. I'm going to examine the animal to see if it's damaged or hurt in any way. He looks all right. He's just really, really frightened. Can you attack to him? What? Can you talk to him?

Oh, I thought you said, can you attack to him, because of your accent. Can you attack to him? Can you, I'll just say, attack to him because of your accent? Can you attack to him? Can you, I'll just say, attack to him? Sure, why not? I'm going to try to attack to the beast and say, We killed Blitzen. Hey boy, where did Santa go?

Where's Santa? Point to the direction of Santa. Blitzen goes and just sort of, geez, what's down here? I'll have to look at the break goals. So you run over him here and just goes. Nice statue, look at that. And twists his head off to the side.

I think, I don't speak reindeer very well, but I think Santa fell down a well over there and we've got to go rescue him or something. And he said, he's that way, let's go that way. All right, fair enough. I mean, whatever. Can I check the damn demon that's on the ground? Sure.

Yeah, you step to our turf, you get dealt with. What you got? Can I check the body? You want to loot the body, you want to check him out? Okay, make an investigation check. Okay, yeah. See how good it is. 18! Oh man, okay, so he does have You want to loot the body, you want to check him out? Okay, make an investigation check. Okay, yeah. This is our next step, go to this. 18!

Oh man, okay, so he does have a tattered, long vest and breeches that cut off at the knee. He does have pockets and you root around and you find what looks like some sort of severed dick in the pocket. You find two copper coins in there. That's it that's on his body. The only other thing there.

That's like a set? What? Yeah, he's got to brush it over the tick thing. Both, all. I've been to a lot of port towns, but I don't know about this. Well, I couldn't tell you what you mean. I can just tell you what's in his pocket.

On the ground is also this long, silver rod with the grip on it is like pearl, and it's got these three limp, they're made of metal, almost, these three tentacles that are coiled, and they're like little tiny links that when you pull back, they're harder to see, but if you get close to it, if you get close to the deck, you can see the little metal scales

that make it a moving part. Ooh. Well, this guy's got a crazy-ass weapon. Anybody need something to fight with? Why don't you take it? All I need is old, faithful, and Steve. Well, give it a whirl. You know, pick it up and whoosh it around a little.

All right, yeah. Fucking well, what could it hurt? Yeah! Did I attack the corpse with it? Sure. Yeah. Like a video game. You don't need to roll for that. These tentacles just latch around the body Can I hit the corpse with it? Sure. Yeah. Like a video game. You don't need to roll for that.

These tentacles just latch around the body and you just watch it go like. Whoa, whoa, that's fucking dark. I like it. Steve, take a seat. Are you going to hold on to this thing? I'm holding on to it! Yes! Hmm. Are you going to hold onto this thing? I'm holding onto it!

Okay, okay, good to know, good to know. Anybody else have anything in mind? I'm hopping in and grabbing, I'm going to steal the star. Okay, make an acrobatics check. Steal the star. I'm going to unlink. 16. 16.

Yeah, easily, easily. You just climb up this time, just go, you've got it. Pocket it, put him back outside. That will give you advantage and anyone within 30 feet of you on an ability check. Ooh. Ability checks.

I'm going to check this dead guy over here. I don't know, just skeleton man. Okay. Make an investigation check. Okay. Yeah, investigation check. Okay. Yeah, I got stats. Kick it a cut. Yeah.

There we go. 19. Okay, okay. Old iron sword and a whole bunch of bones. All right, I walk away from it. I'm going to go check Santa's sleigh. Yeah. Yeah, good idea. I'm taking off my killing gloves.

The killing's done for the time being. So American Psycho. I'm going to go ahead and inspect the corpse of this hag on the ground. Okay. Okay, so it was inspect the corpse, and I heard one other thing, what was it? The sleigh. The sleigh, okay.

So you guys both spread out to your specific places. I think you jumped in first with the sleigh, so. You want to ascertain what? What happened, or? Is there anything in it? Oh, the sleigh? There's probably a ton of something in it. There's a gigantic sack,

and there's a couple of toys spill onto the ground. There's a couple of the bears that were made because they're the last thing put into them. Can I lift it up and flip it back upright? It's pretty heavy, make a strength check. Yeah, you know I'm an Olympic champion, though, so. This is like a lumber sport. It is, actually.

It's one of the divisions. Yeah. He's really strong. Sacri-lift him. That's not good. Wait, just a check, right? Yep. That's not good. Wait, just a check, right? Yep. That's not good. Eight.

Okay, no, it's a little too heavy for you. Maybe if you've got someone else to help you out. I'll come over there since I was pretty close. Okay. All right, why don't you make a strength check at advantage now since you're both together. It's not moving. Santa has some magic when he lifts that. Oh, it's not moving.

Santa has some magic when he lifts that, usually. It's true. Yeah, maybe it's magical. I'm going to unhitch Blitzen if he was attached to the rig. Uh, no, he actually was not attached. That's why he's farther back into the woods. Are any other reindeer attached to the rig? There are no. when Santa left earlier, he told Bixby to go get the rest of the reindeer. You are checking out the witch's body.

Yes. Why don't you make an investigation check? I think I just might. Okay. I don't find fucking anything. I know. That's a... Yeah, that's a two.

Yeah, pretty much all you can tell is that there are still living worms on this woman's body. She got worms! That's it, nothing else on here. All right, job's done. Everyone looking okay? We need some rest, or are we going back out there? Because it's fucking cold, and we got a missing fat man. Excuse me, I was just wondering, isn't there a hat somewhere? A purple hat? Did it disintegrate completely? I'm not sure. It was on her head. Oh, right, when she was by the tree. When she was by the tree,

and then she ran off without the hat, right? Yeah, it got blown off her head into pieces. There's bits of purple fabric on the ground. I just have some curiosity about maybe what it's made out of, because I know how to make stuff, and maybe there's something interesting. Oh, a scrapbooking!

It's a good memory. Okay, all right. Also in the interim, Chutney, as you're going . You start to get a sense of what that thing is. You are now in possession of that. Woo-hoo! Tentacle rod! Made by the Drow!

Ooh. I'll take it. Okay. Step! So guys, a few minutes have passed and all this craziness has happened. Santa Claus is nowhere to be seen. There are three corpses steaming in the snow here

in front of Santa's workshop. We gotta find Santa. Yeah. We should probably leave a note for Bixby when he comes back. Well, hold on now. Let's just think about this. Santa's Yeah. Should probably leave a note for Bixby when he comes back. Well, hold on now, let's just think about this. Santa's out.

The position of power is open. We can fill it and rule Christmas ourselves. Daphne. What? I gave my word to that man to protect this pole in the sanctity of what all you guys have been enjoying here in safety for a while.

Hold on for just a minute, though. He's onto something. What is that? See? Yeah. Always been a big fan of Chutney. Yeah? Someone's got to take his place someday.

All right, Chutney, I'll tell you what. How about this? Since apparently our strongest can't lift the fucking bag to do Christmas, you go do it. Show to us that you're a better leader than Santa, huh? Go, lift the bag. I mean, if you want to take over, you got to be able to lift your presents

and deliver to all the kids, right? Go, lift the fucking bag. What are you waiting for? Lift the fucking bag! All right, all right, all right, all right! I go over to the bag. I believe in you, Chetney. Yeah, I'm not scared.

These hips ain't what they used to be, but I'll try to lift the bag. No, those hips don't lie. So you're riding the sleigh or lifting the bag? Riding the bag? Yeah, the bag. Just hoisting the bag over your shoulder. Arthur has definitely pulled out something

that resembles some sort of phone and is recording this on the sly. And a one, and a two, and a hug! Make a strength check. 18! Wow, that's the number I put in my head. Woo! He watches his little legs shake, shake,

and he goes, It's your new world order, motherfucker! You watch this look of confidence on Klaus's face fade for a second. All right, fair play, old man, fair play. Tell you what, how about I'll just run the shop and we'll hold auditions for Santa, okay? I would like to actually find Santa

and not be looking for a replacement. This is my very first Christmas, and I really want it to be happy and merry, and you're all doing different things other than that. I think we have to find Santa, because I'm scared. He's my divine presence. I think she's right. All right, all right, fine.

Also, I think you guys might be forgetting, Mrs. Claus is not dead. She's still around. If you try to take up the mantle, she's probably going to turn all the other elves who are still also not dead against us. Not if we get to her first. Oh boy.

I am not comfortable with where this is going right now. Ellory, as you're nervously looking around the area and just trying to figure out what to do, what could help, I want you to make a perception check. I can't do it. I knew where I was going. Look, man. A perception check is, I have 13,

but I'm also going to add another four, so that's 17, please. Okay, while insurrection is being debated and argued in front of Santa's workshop, you scan the area, just trying to think what to do, and you notice on the ground, right around the sleigh, starting about 10 feet away from it, little claw marks in the snow,

and they lead off straight that way into the woods. Whatcha looking at? You guys, I can see, right beyond the sleigh, there are these claw marks, and they're going off into the woods. Are they, I was wondering, I can't tell from here, are they the three that we saw before? They are little three-toed

and they're very close together. Close together. Like the tracks or the toes? It's hard to tell. It almost looks like two sort of wavy lines going, but you can see individual little in the snow. Do they match any of the shirts?

I'm sorry, you talk. No, you go ahead. Okay. Yeah. Bruce Springsteen? Yep, that's me, the boss. Oh my god. Have you ever seen tracks like those? This is it, Julie, this is what Dungeons & Dragons is.

At its highest level. I really feel like this is, I've been hazed. Bruce Springsteen, I was wondering if you could tell me, have you ever seen tracks like that before you have animal awareness? Have I seen animal tracks like this before? Make a nature check. Out of advantage.

Oh. Not great, nine. Nah, I mean, you're mostly, you deal with things of the hooved variety. Those are not hoof marks. I'll tell you what, I lost, you deal with things of the hooved variety. Those are not hoof marks. I'll tell you what. Velociraptor. But I could hitch up the sleigh

if we wanted to go by sleigh instead of by foot. That's about all I can do for us. Are we talking about stealing the old man's car? No, we're going to bring it to him. Whatever you got to tell yourself. I'm into this. I'm going to start. We just all need to lift it a little bit more. Yep, yep, going to bring it to him. Whatever you got to tell yourself. I'm into this. I'm going to start.

We just all need to lift it a little bit more. Yep, yep, I'm on it. Do the tracks match any of these guys' feetsies? Make an investigation check as you check these three disgusting people's feet. And you can do it at advantage? 17. Okay. At advantage?

Sure, yeah. As long as you got that star. 17. 17, okay, no. The devil-y guy had hooved feet. She has oily, disgusting, gray, deadish-looking feet, and the other guys are skeletal. Okay. Tell you what, we're so far behind on production, okay?

We give him 24 hours, and then he's dead! All right? We got cash to please! We follow the tracks, yeah? I think that's more than your plan. Let's get a couple people over on the count of three. Maybe Blitzen would want to join us. Maybe we can just ride him. Well, we could actually just take the sleigh.

I don't know if we could all all sit on Blitzenbark. There there are enough reindeer to pull it. We just need one reindeer. Yeah, we're going to need one. Okay, yeah. Yeah, probably if you leave the toys behind, could be doable. You guys don't need, there's so many of you,

you all join together and you go, One, two, three, two. No! I love how none of us picked that voice, like, We're clearly out! You don't want to listen to that for three hours. Nah, nah. Pretty much.

While they're doing this, I've hunted the perimeter of this facility and the forest nearby. As they're dealing with that, that's the moment that I notice these footprints that no one's really mentioned out loud to me in my direction, and I go, wait a second, I kneel down close,

look at it, take the snow, taste it, let it breathe through the sinuses. Do I recognize it all? Make a nature check. Nature check. This dude is like ex-Spec Ops. With advantage, right? 18.

18. It has a very, there is a trace, like acrid taste to it, almost. Like, it's gross. It's like the barest trace of fecal, and you have never tasted anything like it, except the closest thing you can think of to it is poop. Toothbrush in the toilet.

I made a terrible mistake tasting the snow. Don't taste the brown snow. I've learned to not taste the snow around these tracks. So let that wisdom sink in. Let's get on this sleigh and see if we can find the fat man. What'd it taste like? It tastes like poop. Are we fighting a monster of poop? Don't freak out the rest of the other elves. I know it's been a week of that back at the shop,

so we're trying to step away. I just don't know about this. No, it actually makes sense. Gets in the water supply. I understand what you're saying, but excuse me, I was just wondering, have any of the elves that we know who've been super, super sick and throwing up and pooping and stuff,

maybe, is that a similar poop? I'm just wondering, is everybody sick? Is it all connected? I don't know, but there's a lot of really bad stuff happening at once. And in all of my journals and my studying of the workshop, none of this ever happened before, so I'm just wondering if maybe they're connected.

Yeah, Klaus, tell us about your poop. You know the taste of poop. How much poop do you like? How does this compare to other poop? Is it like the other poop that we saw other people pooping? I can say with utmost certainty that my experience of not tasting any of the other poop, no, I have no idea.

But we'll remember that as we make our journey forward. Okay. Put a valid point, keep that in mind. Oh no, we're losing Chut. I'll walk over. Chut, keep up the good work. Turn up his hearing aid, let's go. I'm good. Let's rock!

All right. I'll hitch up our blitzen and I'll say, On blitzen! On blitzen! On blitzen and blitzen! On blitzen! On blitzen! On blitzen and blitzen! So Bonestine starts moving and you all just see it going and just start running, running, running, and catching, just pull yourselves all up. No! Come on! Come on! Go!

Go! Go, go, go! Oh, fuck me! Go, go, go! And while the entire town of Christmastown is either shitting, puking, or both, the sound of jingle bells leaves off away from the compound. Oh wow! Through the snow.

So who was keeping an eye out to try to keep an eye on these strange tracks through the woods? No one! You know these woods, right? I know the woods pretty well. Roll an advantage. Sure, it's me. That's the greatest decision.

I mean, I can... Natural 20. Natural 20. Okay? Natural 20. Okay, so Klaus actually gets off of the sleigh and climbs over onto the back of Blitzen, and you're just, right, that's right, you're way up high on top of his neck, and he's keeping a sky, you see it on the ground.

You guys go for a half a mile, a mile, mile and a half. This is the edge of where you normally go. Two miles, you're beyond your ken here. You watch and see that the tracks sort of bend off to the right. It's still the woods get deeper here. I know we're on the North Pole,

but the magic of Santa's Workshop stretches wide and the protection is deep. You guys wind your way over hills, down into gullies, watching these strange tracks scurry along. And eventually, after about an hour of traveling through these woods, you see you reach a large glade in the middle of this wintry forest.

And you see in all this empty space, there's actually five trees standing alone at the top of a small little hill. It's a ring of trees, perfectly spaced, almost as if by design. You stand at the edge of this glade. Keep your eyes about you. We've hit no elf's land.

Heading up. Okay. Still on the sleigh? Maybe we should go in by tiny, adorable foot. Not a bad idea, not a bad idea at all. All right, I pat the side of the neck of Blitzen, right? I forgot which one I was on. Is that how Christmas works?

That's how it goes. Leap off in the snow. Going. Get my killing gloves on. I'm going to stealth in here. Do I recognize any of the trees here? The kinds of trees, or the trees at the center? Yeah, circle. Make a nature check.

All right. Yeah. Oh, boy. While we were on the sleigh, do we get a short rest out of this or anything? Yes. 10. Short rest? There are conifers, but

they look, from a distance, they look the same as other trees, except that they're so perfectly placed, these five trees. And you're a Stealthing Hand, you want to make a stealth? Yeah, yeah. Okay. We want to say that you're slowly leading the pack here, Arthur? Sure, sure. Do I get advantage on that stealth or no?

If you're close to the group. Yeah, I mean, how far away are we? We can make a group stealth check, if you like, if you all want to creep up together, or you can send them right there. All right, group stealth check. Add advantage if you're clumped together. Advantage? Yeah.

Ooh! That star means I love you all. Aw. Add advantage. That's a good one. 13. 13. 19. 19. 13. 13. 19. 19. 16. 16.

That would be 20. 20. That will be 20. Ooh. Natural 20. All right, all right, all right. 17. 17. All right, you guys, almost like a little Roman troop,

clump together, all this red and green going, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. And you get up to the ring and you peer inside and strangely, you couldn't see this from your vantage point before, but on the inside of each of these trees are doors. And they're all in a different form. One door is a colorful egg

with beautiful patterns on it. The next is a turkey. The next is a tri-leaved green plant, a shamrock. And of course, the last is an orange pumpkin, which is slightly ajar, and the tracks lead right up to it. It's the fucking turkeys. You know, I was making a joke earlier about Halloween Town, but it turns out to be real.

Halloween Town, right? Yeah, that's the one. Yeah. I shifted my focus from the Thanksgiving tree. It's the Halloween tree. Right, the door that's open, makes sense. Yes, I'll wait right now. No, that was it. Excuse me. I noticed that there were four doors listed,

egg, turkey, three-leaf shamrock, and orange pumpkin, but there were five trees. I was just curious if maybe there might be a missing door or a door that I would like to learn more about. Yeah, sure, the holiday that I'm forgetting. I pass around the field rations. We haven't been this far from the tree. The shop?

For years. Is it a heart for Valentine's Day? Oh, it's a heart, that's it. That's right, thank you. I need a smoke. So. This is stressful out here. Are we doing this?

Is this what's happening now? Yeah, feel the passion! The idea of St. Patrick's Day in town. Right, I'm going to do the mission. Let's go there. It's so tempting. We'll eat each other. I'm going to pull out, I've got my tiny toy-making tools,

my sewing kit, and my little screwdriver. Right, a little tool, yeah. Children's toy. Children's toys kit, yeah. I'm going to head over to the Halloween door, and I'm going to check for traps for a second. Okay, roll a, yeah. Perception check. Is that perception check? Yeah.

All right. Fuck yeah! Advantage or no? Yes. That medicinal magla coma thing. Not chick-fil-a, that's where I'm going with it. Okay. Yeah. All right. Fuck yeah! Advantage or no? Yes. That medicinal? My glaucoma. Not your experience, where I'm going with this. Okay. You drop down to the ground and almost do a plank position, flexing your abs,

and you're looking in every inch of the roots of this tree. You don't see anything, it's clean. All right, I'm going to start working on the door. Check. The door is actually an inch or two ajar. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I opened it, wasn't a problem. Damn, he's proven useful.

Which door was it? The orange pumpkin door. Oh. The pumpkin door. What about the green door? I hear the marijuana problem is very severe with kids these days. I couldn't even. What?

The pots, it's a real problem. Cannabis is the name, yeah. Uh is indeed. I couldn't even. What? The pots? It's a real problem. Cannabis is the name, yeah. Uh-huh. That's kind of like magic. Oh, never mind. I like hijinks as much as the next fellow, but I think we need to go find Santa.

Come on, guys. Oh my god! What are we going to do? Come on, guys. I mean, he's our boss. He's getting worse. Kind of with the bungleshmear. All right. All right. Should we go in there? I mean, is there a, I don't know.

What else is there to go? Get behind me. I'll take the lead. Okay. Okay, so you walk forward, all come together, all of you behind Klaus. As you open the door, all of you are hit with a wave and you feel the back of your head being tugged

almost magnetically through the front of your skull and all of you get sucked into the doorway and are spinning, spiraling. Black and orange swirls spin around you, twirling you through space. You're getting dizzier and dizzier. Giant skulls float by, pumpkins float by, bats float by, and your consciousness, out.

And that's where we'll take our break. Oh! Sleeve-er! Oh, baby, two years in the making! This is fucking great. Ho ho ho ho! Grab your weapons! Yep.

All right, thank you for coming along. We're going to go drink a whole ton of hot chocolate. Hot chocolate. Thank you to Max and Danny for making a fucking candy cane run. Yeah, didn't they? Is there one more for me? There's so many, so many.

That one's open. I've already licked it. Don't do that one. It's great. Definitely use that one. We'll discuss. We'll see you soon. Take a break.

Bye. Bye. Happiest of holidays to you, hero. You're listening to an Elftastic one-off episode of Critical Role on the Critical Role Podcasting Network. If you like what you're hearing, please rate and review us on iTunes, Google Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Without further ado, let's get back to the holiday hijinks. Welcome back. Fuck it, let's just get in.

You come to lying flat on your backs. Immediately around you are five withered, blackened trees, twisted and bare against an ashy haze of sky. Set within each of them is a faded, filthy door fashioned in the shape of a heart, a shamrock, an egg, a turkey, and in the last, a faded, filthy, green Christmas tree. Beyond the trees is a wasteland. The ring of trees you're in sits atop a glum little hill

surrounded by a barren landscape of charred earth devoid of almost any distinct features except one very obvious sight. Maybe close to a mile from where you now stand is another tree, not like the five you're standing amongst, curved, large, looming large on the horizon. There's some sort of clump or mass resting in its branches, but it's hard to tell

what that is from here. And as you turn and look in every direction through each of those trees, you see no other distinguishing feature in the landscape. Well, no shatter, time to go back. We're going forward. How long have you been formulating this plan? I'm a realist, okay?

I read the landscape and I adapt. That's how I stayed alive this long. We all have been alive a long time. I forget that, yeah. Maybe instead we go look at the thing that's the only thing in front of us? Yeah. Yes. I mean, I don't know.

Bumping a tree? Sure. What could possibly go wrong? Let's do it. All right, who's leading this fucking parade? Oh, I'll go out in front. Oh, good, yeah. Behind you, Spacka. Ellory, your idea, you up with me? Sure, yes, of course.

All right, come on. Let's go for a jog. Make me proud. Okay, okay. Your little elf shoes start tromping through the dirty, blackened earth here, and as you walk, Ellory, you see, it's not as clear as back at the North Pole,

but you do see the occasional in the ground here. There's no dragging trail through the snow. There is no snow, but you, it's leading where you're heading anyway. After a while, you draw closer and closer, and you start to make out the details of what looked like a large, bulky,

multifaceted treehouse. Like several shacks just shoved together, willy-nilly, almost spiraling up. Is there a place where the tracks end? Or are they going up a tree or something? Into the tree house? Well, if you follow them all the way there, we're going all the way there,

they end right at the foot of the tree. Oh god. Standing below this thing, it's huge. It's 100 feet tall or more. And there are iron pipes wrapping around it, branching out. There's no steps or a ladder or anything here. You don't see, from where you're standing,

any way in, per se. Is there an elevator? Make an investigation check. Ooh, 23! Okay. You start to hobble around the entire width of the tree, and when you get around to the back side of it, you look up, there's no elevator, but you do see the lowest shack fastened to this tree,

about 60 feet up. There is almost like a round iron trapdoor or porthole, and a rusty metal ladder hanging down from that, only about three feet. It's far, far, far out of your reach. I've seen ladders like this before. At Macy's? Where? In New York.

You know, they only go halfway down, so you can't get in. You have to pull them down. Yep. I appreciate the practical construction, though. How do you, in New York, how do you pull them down? I think you got to jump. You got to jump and you got to grab the last rung.

Can people in New York jump that high? I've never seen it. Yeah, I mean, us to the ladder is like... Horrifying creatures. Yeah, I'm glad you survived it. Awful creatures. 50 or 60 feet above your head. 50 to 60, one, two, three, four, five, six.

Well, I don't think math makes it bad math. I like good math. Yeah. Do we have anything that can reach that high? If we stand on each other's shoulders, all of us. One of us could get to the top. 15 feet. We're not there. No. Well.

Can we look around the bottom of the tree for some sort of a switch or a lever? Well, your investigation check would have applied towards that. Really, the only thing you see are, again, these pieces of piping wrapping around the tree. There is some of it that comes all the way down to the ground and digs into the earth

and disappears from view, but you can place your hand right on a pipe here. Is it too thick to get your hand? Like, is it a big pipe? They're nuts. They're different sizes, but they're somewhere between here and here. And here and here? Yeah. And here? Yes.

And here? Okay. They're up, they're down. Gotcha. Maybe we could shimmy up these sons of bitches. I'm pretty good at tree climbing. You know, it's one of the divisions in the timber sports. Trying to work myself up to it, you know. You were great in that.

Thank you, I've earned my place on that Wheaties box. Yep. Yeah. This episode not sponsored by Wheaties. You got rope? You got enough rope to do this? I have some rope. How many feet you got? Fitty. All right, with ten short, anybody else got more than

50 feet of rope? I have some rope. Yeah, same here. All right, let's tie that shit together. One of us is going to climb, or all of us? I think Cranberry's going to go and take it, right? Well, yeah, you know, when we're cutting trees down in the forest, we can do a little harness situation.

All right, we'll do that. Take the rope. Yeah, it's a delayed climbing harness system. Yeah, do the climbing harness thing that people who climb trees know how to do. Figure eight. That, figure eight? I have some.

And a pulley system. Up and down? Yeah, you got to free climb up to that shit first. Oh, and get it up? Yeah. I've got pitons, pitons, pitons. That is precisely the purpose for here. Piton, piton, piton.

Because I have a... It's a piton. I have kittens. Wait a minute, do we still have our tinker tools with us? Yeah, you all have tinker tools. Well, I mean. Every good elf's thing, right? Every good, that's right.

Okay. Take my hair. It's a bunch of pitten pittens. I take Mr. Bungle's pittens. Mr. Bungle's pittens. That's a good album. All right. make an athletics check as you try to climb up this piping.

Do I get anything because of the pittens? Pipens, pittens, kittens. If you fall, you won't fall the whole way. Think of Python. Oh my god! Do I get an advantage because of the star? Well, the funny thing is, they don't all know. It don't work here?

It doesn't work. What doesn't? The star of the Lord. It's filled with goodness and joy. This is a dark place. You look into your pack and that ruby is dark. Oh no. It's because there's no one waiting to reach.

Don't worry, in my day, when we used to fix things, you just hit it real hard. Hit it, go ahead. I'm just going to look at it to see if there's a way that, I'm not going to hit this thing. Is there a way to wind it up again, maybe? Make an arcana check. Or an, yeah, arcana, we'll go arcana.

14. I mean, this thing, you know, because they talk about it all the time, especially the old farts, it was made in roughly the 600s. Vixby's grandfather and Santa Claus made it and it was infused with a very pure form of arcane energy

and it runs on magic and the belief in Santa Claus. I have that. How about, what if you have her hold it? See what happens. See what you can do with this thing, I don't know. It's Ellory, it's Ellory, it's fine, it's Ellory. You can call me Ellory, but it's Ellory.

Whatever. I'm just going to hold it. Would you still be laughing if you knew how many lives these gloves have taken? How many lives? 637, crying eyes. Holy shit. Wait, you've killed 600 elves?

Elves, no! Only three. But do you know how many people try and sneak into the North Pole every year? Humans? Mostly. You're killing random explorers? No, no!

I'm killing thieves and burglars and men who are trying to take the shit you guys have been building. We don't have a jail system. We don't have a prison system. I always thought the December red snows were a natural phenomenon outside the house. Can I also point out that there's no posted signs saying no trespassing or any fencing at all? These people are just wandering. Not my department.

How many climate scientists fell to class as ants? I have a job, distinctly set, and I do it well. Oh my god! I thought you all know. That's where Black Friday gets its name. Oh wow. It's the dark bloods of the snow. I thought everybody knew that.

Wow. Has anyone tried to get a Furby? Of course. It's a naughty list. Did she charge it up? So I'm holding it, and I want to see if there's any magic left in it, but I want to try to infuse it.

So I'd like to try Sacred Flame and see if some of the radiant spirit that I have, the belief I have in Christmas and in Lord Santa that we still love. Lord Santa! The benevolent. Okay. So you focus on the goodness that comes

at the holidays every year, and you focus on Kris Kringle, and you infuse the star with Sacred Flame, and the metal brightens and warms and glows in your hands and your whole face is lit up. You guys see this and she looks even more beautiful than she normally does. There's a halo around her and then the light fades and goes dark

and the star is still black in your hand. Just like Black Friday. Black Friday. Black Friday. Black Friday. I was a big fan of that as well. Don't touch me! Okay, so.

It's okay, Ellory, you tried. It's just because the environment we're in, you know? It's just not going to light up the fire in the star. I'm still keeping it in me, though. You failed your athletics check, right? Yeah. What did you roll? One. Oh, okay. Yeah, you really did.

Even though I'm really good at climbing, it's literally what I do. The tree is really, really oily, and your shoes are having a hard time gripping on it, and then you fell on your coccyx. Ow! Oh! You didn't make it up?

Oh, gingerbread. Oh. No, I didn't make it up. Can I maybe try and do some acrobatic parkour stuff up it to be super cool? You sure? Yeah. Yeah, come on, X Games, give it a whirl.

Wow. While he's doing it, I'm going to just walk around and see if there's any symbols, buttons, anything hidden around the bottom. You can make an investigation check. This is what we have to look forward to in 50 years? 18. 18? Yeah.

Jeez, okay, so this guy walks about 10 feet back from the tree, does a run at it, hits his foot off of one bracket around the bottom, and jumps. It moves up about six feet, the pipe, and then branches off to the left. He jumps off of this little bracket and then hangs off of this, swings out, swings back to the right, and flips his whole friggin' body around, catches up onto ten feet up higher, and then he begins to Nathan Drake his way around,

all the way around to the other side of the tree. You lose sight of him. Where'd he go? He died. No, he didn't die! And 30 seconds later, he peeks around the other side. Sorry. Came back to life.

Sup, losers? You are now hanging from one hand from the ladder like a badass with that porthole hanging above your head. All right, I'm going to use my other hand to tie some of my rope to start to wind it. Okay. Get it going. I'm going to drop it down. Okay. And then I'm going to use my other hand to tie some of my rope. Just start to wind it. Okay. Get it going. I'm going to drop it down. Okay.

Then I'm going to hook my legs in so I'm dangling up there. So you're hanging Mission Impossible style. The rope is now hanging about eight feet over all of your heads. That's doable. I searched around, by the way. I got an 18 for investigation.

I mean, all the while he's going, Hit, hit, hit, hit. Give me five of those. Hit, hit, hit. You look over every bit of this tree house that you can get your eyes on. Just looks like a shit box, really. Disgusting old tree.

Now we just got to jump up eight feet. I'm going to go for him and go ahead and see if I can just leap up and grab the edge of the rope. Okay. Clutching the other end that we had tied previously when you failed to climb the tree. You know, I tried. I'm still working that out.

That's okay. You can make an athletics or acrobatics check. I'm going to go athletics on this one. Okay. Pure quads! Was a 19 for a second. And I blow a quad out of my natural one. You pull a hammy.

You son of a bitch! Oh wow, look at you, mister. Real good at climbing that tree. Yeah, eating crow, real, a lot of crow in that mouth right now. Gotta stretch. Gotta stretch. No, yeah, you're right.

You're right. Learned a lot right now. A lot of lessons. You're getting better at this. My mistake. Come on, New York. I'm going to give it a leap. Come on, New York, do something.

I'm going to give it a leap. You want me to give you a boost? All right. Yeah. Oh, you're up on Cranberry's shoulders now? Yep. Okay, the rope is on Cranberry's shoulders now? Yep. Okay, the rope is now two feet over your head. All right, I'm going to try to give it

a little bit of a push off your shoulders, is that okay? Okay, I'm doing the cheerleader mount. Yep, yep. And I'm right here. Liberty. Make a roll at advantage. You know. I do. Adding anything or just?

Just at advantage. All right. Seven. What do I do? Adding anything or just? Just an advantage. Seven. Seven? Yep. Your hands get under the rubble and go and you crash right down next to Klaus and you now have really brackish soil up your nose a bit and on your teeth, kind of face planted. I hate this place.

It's terrible here. Is it worse than New York? Not really, but just about. All right. Hey, burgle nuts, it's time to get your fucking hands dirty. Let's go! Come on! One, two, three!

I've got a better idea. I'm going to call Blitzen over. Oh, we left it on the other side. Shit. All right. Wait, you're going to throw me? I'm much stronger than you, I think. Oh, really? Who left the sack, bitch?

Yeah, Nick, yeah, let's go! I don't know what I did to deserve your scorn. Come on! Bring him back! All right, I'll jump on your hand. All right, Klaus, not Klaus, sorry, Chutney, these fucking names, Chutney puts his hands down and holds it out, ready for you to use it

like a spring step, another. Okay, make an athletics check, add advantage. Add advantage. At advantage. Same roll twice, 19. Oh, you fly up and you pass like five feet up above the rope and you're just swinging back and forth, looking down at Chutney and showing him you're nuts. I did it, I did it, I did it!

Okay, now climb. Up? Well, actually, I was thinking he should go down to the bottom of the rope and then we climb up him. What? Oh, that's a good idea. Cool. I like that one. Go! I'm going to try and climb up Mr. Bungle.

Sure, make an athletic second advantage. Do I have to roll to keep my grip? Yes. 50. Strength? Yes. Natural 20. Yes! Yeah! A! Yeah!

A couple times, one hand. You spend so much time tressing up the reindeer, you know all the knots, you just go and you've got a good, firm grip on you, locked in place. One hand. That is sick. 15.

15, all right. You climb onto his legs and swing back and forth, holding his green stockings, climb up his body. Now I keep going? Yeah, sure. You go up, you join Arthur at the top. Now two of you are hanging, looking down, and Bundlestein is just still swinging back and forth like he's in Tarzan.

Use my body! Come on, everyone, use my body! I would like to use your body. Okay, I really like that. I've never had someone as pretty as you use my body before. That's so sweet, thanks for saying that. This is the best Christmas ever, here I go.

Okay. In the interest of time, I'm going to say, with Bungalstein hanging there, all of you are able to climb up his stockings and up his body and step on his face up and go up and up and up. I think I've got five extra minutes, so just to wrap up my class. Sure. So last to go. After a while, you guys look like a charm bracelet or a rosary bead hanging

here because there's not enough room for all of you on that ladder. Remember that game, Monkeys in a Barrel? Yeah. Yeah, this is you guys hanging from the bottom of this treehouse. I'm staring at this door, this weird thing. What about, I'm giving it a look over. It's hinged and it looks clasped shut. There's a little one of these guys on it.

I'm going to attempt to, I've been slowly sharpening, literally. Oh jeez! Oh wow! I thought he was better than I am. I feel like he'd be a good sword maker. This thing is vicious at this point. Yeah.

I could sew with this. Okay. I'm going to move over there. Claw senses for gods. Okay. I'm going to attempt to see if I can check for, first I'm going to check for a trap. Okay, go for it.

Mm-hmm. Which is perception. Ma'am. It's 15. 15, it is not a trap, but it is locked. All right, I'm going to use my candy cane that I've slowly been, Jesus. Seriously? This is a problem. I should do something about this.

Although I've been sharpening. I'm going to try and pick the lock. And that's, where is that? That's sleight of hand? It's a thief's tool. Yeah, you write it in at the bottom. Yeah, so it's dex plus your proficiency modifier. I think I have a bunch of stuff for that, too,

because it's a teacher. You've been in my life for 20 years. Plus six or something? No, I have a weird thing, hold on. Where'd Arthur go? Oh my god. Jesus. So, Allory. Yeah?

Just curious, what do you know about Judaism? Because I said oi? No, no, it's just my people encourage me to marry within the faith. Proficiency bonus is doubled for this. Okay, great. So it's six plus nine. Yeah. Or six plus six.

It's 12 plus. All right. 29. Oh man, one-handed, you just start sliding that candy cane around. This is such an amateurish lock. Two moves, oh my god. Still did it. Yeah, it snaps as you do it, but just in time.

The candy cane snaps after you push the mechanism in place and the trapdoor, you feel go and it swings down. Dope. Rain cats. Yep, and I'm slowly going to open it. Okay. Oh, it opened down. Mm-hmm.

Away from the ladder, so now there's just a hole leading up into a room, and you can just barely make out fabric on a wall. I'm going to head in and try and find a place to hide. I'm going to stealth in. Okay, you climb up and in. You're in a sitting room or a living room. There's a really tattered, moldy carpet on the floor

and a red, old, soiled chaise lounge. And there are slashed paintings hanging on the wall. And you were seeing curtains. There's no windows or anything in here, just a sitting room. This is the coolest place ever. On the far end, you see stairs curving up and out of sight. Slowly, while everyone's coming in,

I'm walking and trying to get just a peek up. I'm not going up the stairs, but just getting in a place where I can see if anybody's going to come down. Okay, you don't see anything, but you do see it curves around and up. You can see the sides of the tree on the right and then hallway on the left,

and it leads up to some sort of landing. Everybody coming on up and in? Mm-hmm. All right. We've got a bunch of little red and green elves cowering together. Stealthily. Stealthily, make a stealth check, yeah, for sure. 16.

Nine. 13. Yep, 13. 13, 13. Eight. Eight. 25. 25. Three, 13? Eight. Eight. 25. 25. Three. Three?

You should actually tell them when you rolled, though. I rolled a natural one. There it is. Welcome. Hazing has begun. So you guys all climb up, up, and up, and you're pretty stealthy overall. Klaus is grunting as hebs up, up and up, and you're pretty stealthy overall. Klaus is grunting as he goes up,

but as Ellory is going in and she reaches for purchase, her hand rests on the side of that metal trap door, and she goes to lift herself up, and it snaps off as she's going, and you hear it go. I scatter. Head to the shadows. Hide. Chutney's gone. Candy canes are out and I'm getting my way in between

wherever the passage is and the rest of the group. Are you all right there, Ellaroy? Um, um, I think... Why, Ellaroy. Oh. um, I think. Why, Ellaroy? Oh, okay. He can call me whatever he wants. Um, I think I'm okay. I don't, I'm not sure if I was injured.

I feel okay. I'm more embarrassed. Just your pride, yeah. My pride is wounded. It's okay. Doesn't seem like anyone hurt us. Thanks, guys. Yeah.

Wonder if there's lights in here, actually. I think you're graceful still. Thank you. I'd love to answer your questions another time. Sure. Hey, Arthur. You see anything up those stairs? Nothing yet.

I don't know. Not any movement that I can see so far. Make a perception check. Four. Four. It's quiet. Two. Quiet. Is it very dark? No, there is a little kerosene lamp sitting on the desk.

I'm still wondering what the fabrics were looking like when we first came in. There's curtains on the walls. The whole room has got, there's a tapestry along the wall leading down to the sterile up, and then there's just moldy curtains, sort of helter-skelter hung around the sides. I guess I was hoping there might be a picture

on the tapestry, but I guess not. It is a picture of a deer being run down by three wolves. After you stare at it for a while, and it's mostly faded away, but focusing on it a while, you can make that out. Oh, he looks like Glitzen. He's not very cheerful. Yeah, he does, though he looks like Glitzen. It's not very cheerful.

Yeah, he does, though. He really likes to run against the wolves. Take one of my candy canes, hook the kerosene lantern at the end of it, keep the other candy cane at the ready, and be like, all right, follow me, and go ahead and helm up the stairs. Okay.

You're right behind. Okay, I'm going to say that stealth holds. Stealth check holds for now. You guys creep slowly up, up the stairs. You get to the top of the landing. There is a door on the left, a wooden door, and it just continues to curve up further still. Yeah, absolutely.

You want me to try and, well, can I check for, see if it's locked? Yeah, old man. Yeah, how do I do that? I've never done that before in my life. Make an investigation check. Okay, investigation. That's a 18.

Whoa. Okay. You bend down on your teetery little legs and look around it. You bring your hand down the side of it. Test the knob ever so slightly. It feels clear. I think we're good. Can we just open it?

You can. I will very slowly and deftly open it and slowly peek inside. Okay. What you see is an almost entirely red room. There are black chains hanging from the ceiling with hooks hanging on them, just gently swaying. The grave will sway.

And there is a gore all over the floor. A gore? Gore. Oh, Al Gore. Al Gore is just doing the worm across the floor. That is not a 50 Shades of Al Gore I want to see at all. Speaking of fan fiction. Unless they make pasta, I think there are body parts in this room.

Did you get the flu? Uh-oh. Yeah, you want to go in there with me? I'm going to hold out the lantern. Make it raise. Make a perception check. Six. Six? I mean, there's like seven or eight chains

hanging from the ceiling in this room, and the room is like 30 by 20 feet-ish. Rough wooden walls, and the walls are smeared, and it's not bright red, it's faded red, except for on the ground, it's really wet. There's lumps in different corners of the room. That's the best you can tell. What does this look like? Yeah, can I take a look to see

if I can see what's dead on the floor? Sure, make an investigation check. Where did my testicle rod go? 19. Ooh. In the far left corner, you make out what Klaus just thought was refuse. You can make out the shape of a little green stockinged leg

and a little curled green shoe. But when I say green, it's dark. And you can just barely see streaks of green made out of it. I think these are dead elves. Want me to go look? If you want to go look, but I feel like it's dead elves, I don't know. I don't want to get any closer.

I'm going to go in. I've been in worse. I've been calved even worse than this. Bungalstein moves through a room, pushing through these chains, and you cross the room gingerly, and you get a closer look, and looking down, it is the left half of someone your size, but with a reddish beard

and a green, almost like a top hat. Oh! All green. That killer leprechaun? Yeah. Oh. Yeah. And you can see almost like... He was stealing weed.

They've been poaching him. Museum style, you can see the side of, like a split right down the middle and you're looking at half the brain, half the throat. Clean split? It's been bifurcated? Yeah. Whoa. All right, I go back and tell the others, good news, bad news, guys.

There's a dead leprechaun in there. But I think that's good luck. We might find a pot of gold? I don't know how the legend works. I really like your optimism. I don't know if that was accurate lore, but. Wait a minute. That sounds legitimate.

I'll take it. There was a shamrock door, so he came from the shamrock place. Yeah. The land of stachys. I've put the two and two together now. There was other doors. Do you think we'll find dead turkeys?

So maybe we're going to find a turkey, we're going to find an egg. Do you think the Easter Bunny's here? These are different holidays! Yes. I just got it! We have Christmas, we have Easter, we have Thanksgiving, we have Easter, we have Thanksgiving,

we have St. Patrick's Day and Halloween. Yeah, and Valentine's Day. Thank the good Lord that Hanukkah was not among them. No. What did they grab from Valentine's Day? Is it the little baby angel? I'm a Jewish Christmas elf, guys. Yes.

Is there a bifurcated cupid in there? What? Oh, what? Cupid? Check out the other bodies. I'll check out the other bodies. Are there any cupids or Easter bunnies? There's other organs, but there's nothing definitive. Any lucky rabbit's foots? Who would do such a thing?

Any peeps? Are you looking? I am, no. I make an investigation. There are peeps. Make an investigation. I want to see some dead peeps. Let me take a look.

It's not great, nine. It just looks like entrails, everything else. The biggest recognizable piece is this half a left. I'm bored of this room, guys. Nobody get bi-fornicated. Let's go ahead and move on further up the stairs here and see what else is in this chamber. All right, I'm going to go ahead

and leave it up there with the lantern. Everybody make a new stealth check. Make me a new stealth check. No stealth. Jeez Louise. Man, really? Oh. My, uh.

You get a one? No. It's me again. No, that's what I'm saying, you get a one? No, it's a two. Okay. But wait, there's a two,. It's me again. No, that's what I'm saying, you get a one? No, it's a two. Okay. But wait, there's a two, so it's a four. I got a five, I'm all slippery from the gore.

I got a five as well. Oh my gosh. Oh no! So you guys are creeping up and Bungalstein, his little pointy shoes are slick with gore and he slips on the steps and then goes ba-boom-boom down to the two of you. The two of you go down in a scrawl at the bottom.

Oh no! Oh, oh, oh! Crossfires of PD-8. Oh. For the mayor, go with it, life is short! But you get up and wipe your shoes on the wall and the steps and then join the rest at the top and it just winds, but there is yet another door here.

Does this door have any holiday connotation? No, it's just a shitty wooden door. Arthur, get to it. Checking. Make that investigation check. 12. Seems okay. All right, let's go.

There is a big pine box sitting in the middle of a very empty, dry room, and it's dusty in here. What shape is the pine box? It's long and rectangular. Oh my god. Like coffin-shaped?

Precisely coffin-shaped. Okay. Who wants to go look? Is it big enough to fit Santa Claus? You'd really have to wedge him in there. I'm going to very gently come into the room, I'm going to look around the room a little bit, just take a look, see what's around,

see if there's anything else in here. Is it just a pine box? Well, that investigation check will carry over. There are scratch marks, claw marks on the wall, just raked. But that's the only other defining feature and there's this very plain drab pine box with a lid on it. I'm going to check to see if this is trash.

Okay, investigation, you check. I think it's best to prod these things as we keep moving. 12. You run your finger light along the side, give it a little nudge and dance back. Seems, maybe it's okay. You want to keep moving?

What are you doing? I'm going to lift the lid just an inch and peek in. A little bit of light spills in from the lantern on the candy cane. You almost thought it was empty, but you peek in and at the bottom of it, you see a dark colored blade. I'm going to very gently, seems okay, and very gently take the blame.

Okay. It is a black, barbed short sword with a dark iron grip. It's wrapped in a ratty black leather on the bottom and the shape of a woman's face adorns the hilt with eyes wide and a mouth gaping in horror as you hold it, looking at you. Awesome.

This is my destiny. What is that? It's Christmas for me. That's not very holly jolly. Oh, it's licorice. Whatever you need to say. It has a good heft to it. Am I capable of wielding it?

Yeah, I guess I'm capable. Yeah, short sword, yeah. I mean. Weighs as much as an oversized candy cane. Am I capable of wielding it? Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, short sword, yeah. I mean. Well, he's as much as an oversized candy cane. Klaus! Yes? Can you tell where any sort of tracks went?

I don't see anything else. I mean, there's only one way, and that's up. Just keep moving. Let's do it. All right, go back up. If you're going to come, keep up. Okay. You guys just go up. You've made a huge racket already twice.

Yeah, now it's coming, we're fine. Up you go. Still continues up. Another landing, yet another door, but it doesn't continue up. Then there's a ladder of, jeez. Oh god. At the next landing, there's another door on their left,

and then a ladder leading up to a square hole in the ceiling. You want to go ahead and take a look, Arthur? Yeah, why not? All right. Very gently. Okay. Go take a look. Checking for traps at the door, or?

It's the, at the, uh. There is a door, yet another door, and then there's a ladder at the end of the landing that goes up, so there's two possible things to check. Check the door first. Check the door first, okay. Investigation check. Ooh, eight.

Eight. It looks very similar. All these doors. It looks kind of similar. Yeah. All right. Crack it open? Crack it open. There is two lanterns in this room.

The room has a greenish tint to it. There is a large cast iron cauldron sitting in the middle of the room, and there's one table that's full of glass bottles and a little Bunsen burner. There's a second identical table, but it's smashed on the ground and there's stuff strewn all over the place.

There is a ratty bed in the corner that has been strewn about and a shitty-looking blanket is oddly stuck to the wall. That's what you see upon opening the door. So? I mean, I don't know. Anybody? Is it clear? I mean, yeah, it's fine, but take a look.

This is weird. Ah! Stan Lee! He lives on here at Christmas time? Exaltia. It's weird in here. All right, looking over at that weird blanket stuck to the wall, what appears to be holding it in place? Is it pinned up there?

It looks almost like flypaper part of it, just stuck. Is there a rock on the ground? A rock? Yeah, just something that I can try to throw at it. Oh, near your feet. Throw it in the room, yeah. Shawshank Redemption it? There is a rotted piece of wood.

I mean, I guess I could look behind you. One foot into the room. Are you going to throw it? No. Oh. Is there stuff in the cauldron? Okay, I'm going to do it. Here.

Okay. Okay, Nutt steps in, picks up this rotten piece of fragment of wood, and you throw it across the room, and it bounces and hits the blanket and starts to skitter down, but then hangs on the blanket almost a couple inches away from the ground. Because the blanket is sticky?

Might have just, like a flypaper or something. It's hard to tell from where you are. Are there anything? We got to go in closer. Yeah, Cauldron's not a bad call. Cauldron, and I want to keep an eye out for anything that looks worm-tastic. Worm sack. Why don't you make, you're going to the cauldron?

Worm sack. We're just going to take a look at the cauldron. Lord of the Cauldron, you're not supposed to come Lord of the Cauldron. I'm going to look at those shelves, I'm just going to see if there's any drawers that are locked or what's in them. Okay, so make an investigation check.

Make an investigation check. I'll check out the cauldron. Make an investigation check. Ooh, natural 20. Okay, you're checking out what? They said there's a whole bunch of chemical, like they've got stuff that's been... 10. There's furniture. 10.

So you were stuffed at the table, you are... Well, I'll look at the flypaper. The blanket, and you were doing the collagen. I've got a tan on the collagen. Okay, so they look like things that you've seen. The closest thing you can think of are, Santa has a lab. He is always trying to come up with new ways

to delight children, and not every year, but maybe every three or four years, he gets a wild hare to try to invent some sort of new delight and a new kind of toy, and he mixes things. You don't know anything about that stuff, but it is definitely that kind of setup. It's a little creepier. Same kind of thing. What did you roll?

A 10. A 10? All right, it's a really dark sludge in this cauldron. It's like a brownish-blackish liquid, and there is what looks like a little tiny bone and a part of a hand, but it's small, smaller than your hand, and I'm just floating in it.

You, Cranberry, as you go over and poke at the blanket, it does pick up just a little piece of tongs on the ground from the mess, and you just pull at the blanket. It does peel away, but it takes some pull. As you do so, you see a slipper in there. It's musty looking, but it's got this thin

spiderweb design along it, and it comes away and is stuck to the blanket as you pull it away and then just go and it falls on the ground. The slipper? Mm-hmm. How big does the slipper look? Bigger than yours. A little bigger than yours. Does it look Christmassy, wintry, or just?

It has a sort of an arachnid design on it. There's the pattern etching of webbing, and then there's an embroidered little small spider on the toe in the front. Ooh. Yeah, is it a thing I can pick up? It's not like the cage. It is a shoe you can pick up, yeah.

Miming shoes. I'll put one on. Okay. It fits on, it's big. Cinderella! It's like putting on your mom or dad's slipper. It is a beautiful shoe. It looks old, it is filthy, but it's cool.

I go, hey, Arthur, can you support me? I see if I can walk on the wall. It sticks a little bit, but not enough to hold your weight. Look for slippers. We're looking for another shoe? Mm-hmm.

Fucking shoes. Eh. Take a piece of, is there a long piece of material? There's definitely long forked, well, forks, just a long thing for stabbing meat. Take one of those and start prodding around inside the cauldron and see if I can fish anything out from the bottom. Okay, make an investigation check.

It's an 11. An 11. You reach around, feel purchase, and you come up and you bring up, yeah, that is a little kid's leg bone, and you just dump it. Stop! That's a... I'm going to desensitize this kind of thing.

What, have you killed children, too? No, but I've seen a lot of horrible things. This is a terrible thing on the inside, deep inside, and what little remains of my cold, black heart, it's broken a little bit, but I don't want to show that. I'm so sorry. That's a dark place to be. A single tear drips down the cheek.

Be honest with us. Like a chef, went on a very good summer. Be honest with us, is the naughty list a hit list? Well, there's the nice list. There's the naughty list. And there's the naughty list. Oh. So there's two naughty lists?

How do you know which is which? That's only happened twice. Oh no! We have precautions now in place. Mistakes were made. Oh yeah. I'm going to very gently, are there any beakers that still have enough liquid, like some liquid in them?

No, it all looks charred, burned off. There's powder spread across the floor. It looks like something's, it was like a bowl in a china shop. Search around for the other shoe. Okay, make an investigation check. Nope. Okay.

Yeah, I mean, you guys spend a good 10 minutes in here poking and prodding and fishing around in the cauldron. The blanket is just stuck to the wall? It looks like it's smeared with something. Can I try to see what it, I don't know. Yeah, I'll go in here. What's covering up on this blanket? Make it.

Either make two investigation checks or somebody do it at advantage. One, two, three, roll that. That's a 20. Okay, so you rub your fingers in it, and you're looking, and as you pull your hand apart, you see a little string of stuff, and it feels organic.

It feels like something that came out of a bug's butt, or it's really, it's got an acrid smell to it. Viscous? Yeah, it is viscous. It's got an acrid smell to it. Like viscous? Yeah, it is viscous. It's tacky. It's a viscous, tacky, anal gland secretion from a bug. Let's get out of this room. Yeah.

I don't want to be here anymore so much. Yeah. Is there a way to get to the room? Not in this room, no. Let's keep going. Follow me. Back up the stairs, come on. Okay, so it wasn't stairs, there is a ladder going up.

It was a ladder, that's right. Unless it was like web. All right. Slightly different site up here. You find yourself now, you saw from the bottom, like wall up, like it's just another room, it's got to be another room, but as you climb higher, you realize that that wall

only goes up a foot or two, and you are outside. The room here is ripped away, and you're standing on top of this treehouse, looking out all around you, and in one direction, you can see, Scratchat, there is a wall on one side, and it's broken away on three others. Off in the distance, in one direction, you can see a ring of trees standing.

Actually, make a perception check. One. What the fuck? That's like your third one, right? No, it's not in my favor at the moment. Dark haze hanging in every direction. But what's right in front of your face is a gigantic iron pipe coming up out of the floor, about five feet or ten feet away from the ladder.

It is wide. And then the one wall that hasn't been ripped away, there's a door in the middle of it, and there's a moon carved into the door. And as you guys climb up here, I need to make a check for this, you can hear from behind it, it's very light, but you hear

. I'm sure that's the shitter. No. Maybe we should give him a minute. You got a giant iron pipe curved at you, almost like a periscope a little bit, and it's dark in there. And we can hear the noise from inside the...

From behind this door with a moon carved into it. What's going on? I don't know. So... I'll check it out. You stay here. Check which one out. Which one? I'll go to the moon door.

Okay. I'll put my hair up against the door. It's actually, as you get closer, you see it's actually not entirely closed, even this little sliver. Do I smell anything? You smell shit. Shitter.

A hair just breathing? This guy had something that did not agree with him. Maybe. Maybe the same thing that took the workshop out these past few weeks. You know what's important? The element of surprise! I'll rip the door open.

And you see a huge, hulking bathtub on its side, clawed teeth and clawed feet. You know those kinds of white tubs that have sort of feet? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The rim of the bathtub has got teeth sticking out of it, and a huge purple tongue is just like. It's doing this, and the feet are doing that thing that dogs do, where it's like.

It's a large, white, filthy bathtub, and beyond it is just a shitter. There's a big outhouse-style hole that just stinks, and this giant bathtub moving and just scritching in its sleep. Does there appear to be a lock on the door? The door that you just, well, it was just opened. Right, but is there a locking mechanism?

Oh, yeah. There is a simple on the inside. I reach over, gently close the door until it's shut. Mm-hmm. You want to lock this? You don't want to give him a little scratch on his belly, though? No, I do not. I am locking the door. Make a dexterity check. We can't keep it.

18. Oh, check, not save. 50. Okay, you stick two candy canes in this time and you easily make it go. It is such a simple lock. All right, well, that's one possible problem taken care of. Let's look down the periscope. Agreed. I'm going to hold the lantern over off the edge to see if the light can illuminate this below. You lean over and it does illuminate about 30 feet down,

but it just gets swallowed up into darkness further down. Maybe we ought to send somebody down with the lantern. I have a lantern. All right, we'll tie a rope around you and lower you down. Very brave, Ellory, very brave. I just said I had a lantern. I didn't say I was going to go somewhere.

There's already a rope going around your waist and I'm tying it behind you, like, all right, let's get this taken care of. We'll remember you! Is that the only way out of this room? Wasn't there a ladder? We're on top of the building. You've got an almost full panoramic view up here

and a tube going down through presumably the center of the tree. Okay. Whoa. Ready? It's where I'm going. One, two, push. Slowly lower, holding on with a rope, and then. Okay, Ellory, you're holding your lamp,

and this is a skeevy, make a perception check as you go. You got this, Ellory. A skeevy tube. Lowering slowly down, and it lights up with you. Perception, right? Mm-hmm. Okay, so 14 plus four is 18, please. 18. As you go down, it smells really filthy,

but there is just your little button nose does smell just a hint of peppermint. Oh. I smell peppermint. Any didn't yet? I smell peppermint! That's a good sign, that's a good sign. That is a good sign.

Is there a floor, any sort of end in sight currently? Peppermint! Doesn't Santa wear peppermint? I think he does. It's his favorite cologne, in fact. Oh, okay. Can I get lowered a little bit more? Go on.

30 feet. I want to look down at the, I want to see if there's a floor, any kind of end in sight? It's starting to, you were just sort of dropping straight down. Now your butt is hitting a curve as it starts to go down a bit like this at an angle,

and just more darkness. More darkness. Mm-hmm. How far can I see with my lantern? About 30, 40-ish, 50-ish feet down. Okay. Is it still dropping? I'm sort of at a curve. You're just about the end of your rope.

Yeah, I'm like, okay. So like a slide? Kind of. Great, we're coming in. I'll let go of the rope. You spiral down. I'm going. Oh, all right, Arthur jumps in.

Everybody jumps in. Oh no! Sure. Okay, total Goonies moment, you guys. No one said anything about a lantern. In the dark, just like Magic Mountain, you're going. Seven little elves go. And you feel free fall.

Everybody make an acrobatics check. Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god. Natural 20! Jeez. 23. Okay. 16. 19. Okay. 23. Okay. 16.

Okay. 19. Okay. 11. Okay. Three. Okay. 13.

Okay. 26. Okay, my gosh. In very, very dark, cold, frigid air, you guys plummet. You feel yourself falling to the ground. You somehow go, and fall in a little old man splay. Your legs are like rubber. Yeah, the wolf hunts alone.

That's right. Everybody else does hit the ground and takes... You got the three, right? Cranberry, you take six points of bludgeoning damage. Everybody else takes three. As you sort of skitter across the ground, you fall flat on your chest and knock the wind out of yourself

and really bruise your whole front of you. But you're like the berry woman in the YouTube video. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. It is not pitch black in here, though. Torchlight shines in the ruins you now find yourself in, to the left and to the right on two high, broken walls. And beyond that, an insane sight awaits.

A huge series of disks made of brass or metal. A gigantic tower stands above you, and in the torchlight, you see this strange, corpulent form staring down at you. It's flesh, more of a vile, soiled fabric, almost like a burlap. And red, beady eyes glow from dark cuts

in the face of this thing. And as your eyes scan over it, you see rusty hooks and thick, coarse string holding this disgusting suit together, and it cackles. And you see something spilling out of its mouth, but it's hard to see in this light. What have we here? An intrepid band of what?

Law gnomes? Here to take my prize? You're joking. You gotta be. Well, let me tell you something. I'm going to cut this tomato of a man wide open. I want to see if his insides are as red as his outsides. Come on, then!

Put your fate in your hands. Take a chance. Roll the die! If you think you got it in you, but fair warning, the house always wins. This gigantic mechanical tower comes to life, lights up. The giant disks start to spin, and the different levels of it start to whir and clatter.

Roll for initiative, motherfuckers! Yeah! Break it down! I knew it. Oh, Felix! Yeah! Two and two together when we found the trees. Why? Wormsack.

Yogi. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wormsack. Yuki. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wormsack, yeah. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! What?! What?! My god. This is the biggest map we've ever had. So Timberian!

Hey! Oh, that's so good! Oh my god. Ooh! Wow. Oh my god. Oh my god. Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Equal parts Tim Burton, equal parts Donkey Kong, equal parts. Yes! Yes! Oh yeah. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Okay, so you guys have just spilled right down here. Holy shit, Glee, where is, okay. Okay, so you guys have just spilled right down here. Holy shit.

Where is, oh, Cranberry is prone right there. That's where we all are. Am I forgetting anything? Probably, probably. Let's do this. I don't know if you did initiative or not, but let's hear them. Okay, okay.

Okay. We're good because of this. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 14. Oh no, he's going to do the thing. Yeah, 20 to 25. Sorry, that's my bad. 22.

22. 20. Okay. You're gone. Okay, 15. 20. Okay. You're gone. Okay, 15 to 20. Yes, 18, queen. 18, yes. Ellory, yahtzee queen.

Yahtzee queen. Okay, 10 to 15. 14. 14, Chetney. Chetney! That was 10 to 15, five to 10? Yep, nine. Seven. Eight. Seven, nine, seven to 15, five to 10? Yep. Nine. Seven.

Eight. Seven, nine, seven, nine, seven, eight, nine. Nutt! You got a nine. Nutt Cranbundle. Eight! Two or three. Chet and Nutt right next to each other again.

Chet and Nutt! Okay. Arthur, what do you do? Nothing. Oh, where am I, where am I? Okay, over there. After your orange, you're furthest back. Time to nut up or chit up.

No. Nothing's going to be tough. Time's got me already. I'm going to take a shot at the creepy sack guy with my bow and arrow. What's the range on that? 80 feet. Okay. Roll. Yep.

Roll one, straight roll. Yeah, straight roll. That's 15. That hits. Oh my god. You did it. Yeah, we haven't gotten any more. That's six points of damage. Okay.

I'm going to book over behind that wall. Five, 10, 15, 20, 25. Dash. Okay, right, so behind it? Actually, I'll dash up it, actually. Okay, five, 10, 15, 20, 25. Well, you're on the stairs, but I'm going to put you there for a moment.

Okay. Klaus, you're up. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Oh. Oh, all right. I'm going to go ahead and move full 25 towards the large tower of rotating discs. 15, 20, 25. Then I'm going to use my action to dash

and use the rest of my movement to get up there. 15, 20, 25. Okay. All right. The second your foot steps down on the metal ridge of that, 15, 20, 25, okay. The second your foot steps down on the metal ridge of that, you hear as your foot drops an inch, and the column at the center goes and you see two tall, flat panels, the entire length of that column go

and you have a split second to see this fluid, clear bubble go and a giant cube shape spills out and centrifugal force sends it going right at you. Make a dexterity save. Gelatinous cube. That's going to be an eight. Oh no.

Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Klaus is engulfed. No! The other real killer! By the gelatinous cube. Oh no. You did action and move, and that's it.

Yep. Okay, Klaus is engulfed by the gelatinous yeah. And move, and that's it? Yep. Yep, okay. Klaus is engulfed by Jelena's cube. Ellory, you are up. Are you kidding? Just kidding. Fuck. Mother of a- You got spells to throw, you got moves to make.

You guys are practically full up. Okay, so, um. I'm highly concerned about Klaus, Okay, so, um... I'm highly concerned about Klaus, and I would like to get closer to the scary guy. So, all right, I would like to move toward 25 feet, all of my 25 feet toward the dude. 25. Yeah, and then I would like to use,

like to summon my spiritual weapon. Yes. Yes! There you go. And my spiritual weapon is in the form of a giant fruitcake. And this fruitcake appears. Merciless. What's the distance on it?

Distance is 60 feet. Okay, I'm going to guesstimate that around here. Where's your fruitcake, Minnie? Here it is. It's a big fruitcake. I'm going to put it just on the edge there. What's your bonus action? Well, first, my bonus action is I can move the weapon

up to 20 feet. And then I can repeat my attack against the creature within five feet of it, and I'm wondering if scary guy is within five feet of me now. I would say that you're just barely out of range. Well, that's a terrifying place to be. You could probably attack the cube if you wanted to.

Oh. Yes, you could. Really? Mm-hmm. I'd like to attack the cube. So the fruitcake flips down this way and whacks at it, make an attack for your cube. Or wait, is it an attack roll for the spiritual weapon? Yeah. Yeah. It's an attack roll plus your spell,

your melee spell. Right. So go back to your cheat sheet. Yeah, oh, the other cheat sheet. Those numbers. This one? Uh-huh. And I wrote, there it is. Spell attack bonus is seven.

So roll a d20 and add a seven. That hit that Q. 16. Oh, that definitely hits. Roll for damage. And that's the same? No, 1d8. Plus my spellcasting ability modifier, so.

1d8 is, yeesh! Two plus, well, no, spellcasting ability modifier. Why is that? Seven? My regular? Yeah, it's plus seven, plus I have that on the other sheet. So what was the total on that? Nine. Nine, okay.

Why not have that? Okay, the fruitcake goes and scrapes a little wedge of goop that goes on the stone over here, and it just sort of quivers in place, and you see Klaus going like inside. And now we are on to Chetney.

It is my turn! Ah! I'll run! I'll run 25 feet towards the base of this terror. Okay. Terror. Over here. Five, 10, 15, 20, 25.

Fuck, I'm slow. Double dash. Okay. Get up there. 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, that's what I put you there. Nice! Wait, no, actually, this just got out of whack. This is supposed to be there.

So I'll say you're on here. Great. And I'll bonus action dodge. Okay. Okay. Okay. Dodge? He's getting ready to be hit. So now we're onto Wormsack, who, oh.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch. Wormsack dances around to the back here and kind of obscures himself from view. And you see two little, well, about bird-sized little black wasps waft into view here. What? Floating. Floating. Yeah, they're like this big.

They're hard to see, but you just see these little black ones going. Okay, that gets us a Wormsack stun. Now we're on to Nutmeg. Okay. Come on, New York! All right. So I'm going to- Oh, and sorry, Klaus, you take 3d6 acid damage. Would that engulf me? Yep. All right. On the failed save, the cube enters the creature's space, and the you take 3d6 acid damage. Would it engulf me? Yep.

All right. On the failed save, the cube enters the creature's space and the creature takes 3d6 acid damage and is engulfed. Can't breathe, restrained, and takes damage at the start of the cube's turn. I got it. Do you want to roll the damage or should I? Oh, I should do that. 13 points of acid damage.

Oh! Okay. Okay, Nott. For clarity, I take dash as my bonus action and dodge as my action, because I share the job. All right, I'm going to touch myself. Sure. And I'm going to cast Visibility

Okay. on myself. And... Where the hell is Nutmeg? Why is it so hard for me to tell which one it is? You killed him! What did I just knock over? When I'm saving Christmas, I touch myself.

Oh! Oh no! Sorry, this is so much taller than I thought it was. Sorry, Chris. Okay, so I'm going to start moving my way towards the stairs. Okay, do you want to go over here or go around? What's the difficult terrain?

Yeah, I'm going to just walk around. Okay, we'll say five, 10, 15, 20, 25. That's your movement, and the action was to turn yourself invisible. Yep. That's it. That's your movement, and the action was to turn yourself invisible. Yep. That's it. That's all I can do. Okay, Cranberry, you're up. Oh yeah.

I'm prone? Yep. So I'm an athlete, so that only takes five foot of movement for me to stand up. And then I'm going to run forward towards the cube. Five, 10, 15, 20. All right, and I'm'm going to run forward towards the cube. All right, and I'm also going to look at, look over here at Ellaroy, and I'm going to say,

you want to see what my spiritual weapon looks like? Yeah, I do. Okay. And I cast the Giant Head of the brawny man. Ooh! Just a floating brawny man head, and he's got paper towels, very absorbent paper towels. The quicker, the thicker, fuck you up. Fuck you up.

Where do you want to place the brawny man? About here. Right in the right corner. Kind of. Jolly green Giant goes where? Well, it's 60 feet, so I'm going to have him, yes, go by the cube. Okay.

Are you still stuck? You're still stuck in the cube. Boo! And do you want him here or floating a bit? Floating is nice. Okay. And it's a bonus action. Is it an action to attack with it? Bonus action to attack with it.

Okay, so bonus action to cast. Bonus action to attack. Cast for the first time, it appears and attack, right? It appears and attacks wherever you drop it. Oh, it appears and attacks. Yeah, and then next turn. And then I still have an action? You still have an action, yeah.

Cool. Oh my god. It is a grace bomb. Yeah, you're dropping one of the bread and butter or the clerics. But I can still attack with it, too? Yes, you can attack now with it, and you can attack yourself.

I'm going to attack with it. Yeah, sure. Okay, so roll to hit with your spell modifier, spell attack bonus. Okay, yeah, that's good. Plus my spellcasting modifier, which I don't know where it is. It is a six.

Yep, let's say. Six. Yeah, so 20. Okay, that definitely hits. And then 1d8. The giant Mr. Clean attacks. 1d8. Seven plus six, so.

Mr. Clean, the Brawny Man? Whatever. 13. 13? So that gets us to the onion. All right. And then I'm going to take my action to toll the dead. Okay. Toll the dead.

Toll the dead. Okay, so the Fuller Brush Man whacks at this giant cube and takes up another slough of this fluid that just falls down onto the steps and starts to burn the stone. And then Bells appears and starts singing, Holy hell, roll the damage. Six damage! Good round.

Sam's musical training. Now we're on to Bunglestein. Bunglestein? Oh me? You're up! Oh, Bunglestein. Bunglestein? Oh me? You're up! Bunglestein? I'm Bunglestein. I will just use my 35-foot movement to get as close as I can. Five, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, you said?

Yeah. Okay. I guess I'll just use my action to dash another 35. 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, let's say 35, right there. All right, I think that's all I can do. I think that's all I can do. Yep. You are all starting to notice chains hanging down from the next level.

And we are back at the top to Arthur. Okay, I see how this is going. My plan is not going to work, so I'm going to drop down to that little bit of refuse that's right in front of me. Here? Yeah, I can. Keep going all the way to that little wall that's right in front of me. Here? Yeah, it can. Keep going all the way to that little wall that's right in front of me.

10, 15, 20. Like hiding? I'm going to take a shot before I'm hiding, but I'm going to use my bow and hit the gelatinous cube. Sure. I don't know, do I get a sneak attack bonus on that? Spiritual weapon does not count as a teammate, I don't think, so no.

I don't know, I'll just take my shot then. Okay. Take a shot. About as adjacent as you can get. Oh. No, I'm restrained, I'm not a threat to it. I am a threat to it, but yeah. You're like a piece of fruit in a fruitcake right now.

Yeah, yeah, no. That might be the roll, but yeah. So that's fine, that's eight points of damage anyway. And then I'm going to use my action to hide. I just ran into my attack rep. I'm going to put... Okay, hold, hold, hold. All right.

Okay, sorry, say that again, I got a little disarray. And then I'm going to use my bonus to hide. Okay, sorry, say that again. I got a little distracted with my check. And then I use my bonus to hide. Okay. Roll for stealth. I will have 19. Great. Okay, now we're on to Klaus. Klaus! On top of my turn, I take how much damage? You take...

It's not your turn. It's Vlatna's cute turn, isn't it? I mean, you take damage at the top of the top. On top of my turn, it's Vlat and his cube's turn, isn't it? I mean, you take damage at the top of the tile. It's not my turn. Oh, you do, okay. Do what I'm told to do, so it requires another three signals. I had it open, there's not nothing on the card.

So the engulfed creature can't breathe, and the engulfed creature takes 66 acid damage at the start of the cube's turn. Bring it. So it's not the start of the cube's turn, it's the start of your turn. Oh.

Well then, as my body is burning and numbing around me. 66? Yeah. 66. Oh, thank god. Yeah, I heard 66 as well. It's a little lot. Oh yeah, all right, so from the inside, looking through the cloudiness,

seeing these flashes of divine energy around, obscured by the gelatinous substance, I just angrily, still focusing up at this worm sack that is attempting to assault the person I've been working for for a long time. I'm going to go into a frenzy on the inside and just try and carve my way through from the interior. Okay, so that is a strength check.

Oh, I'm actually hitting it. Oh, you're just going to try to attack from within? Yeah. Woo! Okay. It restrains, so it's disadvantage on the attacks. That's true. It's a natural 20, but instead, that is a 20 to hit.

That hits. All right. I'm going to... Boogie. You can't get up. Boogie me. That hat is so ridiculous. It's amazing.

Which one? You could be talking about anyone with the cape. All of them! I'm going to go ahead and use one of my Spear of the Dead Menacing attack. Okay. So it's going to take nine plus four, it's going to be 13 points of damage. And what I'm doing is as I start carving through it

with this candy cane, I'm also going to start just chewing and biting in the inside of it, like I'm trying to eat my way out of it. Yeah, your tongue is starting to go numb as you do so. That's fine. I'm just angrily biting, so it has to make a wisdom saving throw. Okay, well that's going to go badly. Roll a natural one.

It is frightened of me until the end of my next turn. Oh wow, okay, got it. Oh wow. That's my first attack, I have another attack. Oh shit. Oh Jesus. With disadvantage, that's 23 to hit. That hits. Wow.

That is 11 points of damage from the inside. And my bonus action, third strike. That is going to be a 16 to hit. That's an AC of six. Yeah, seven points of damage. Wow. So I'm just like just carving this wild wolverine-like creature

from the inside of it. There is a little spinning neutron in the middle of this gelatinous cube and the thing is just going on the outside. That is the end of your turn. And now we're on to Ellory. Come on, Ellory!

Okay. We need you. Oh, except this and this are here because they're floating. Well, I'm still within range to hit the gelatinous cube again. That is correct. Right?

So I would like to do that, please. Fruitcake hovers through the air. Yeah, fruitcake! Roll to attack with that fruitcake. Okay, roll to attack is to beat 20, right? Mm-hmm. Mother of... What would you roll?

That's a six. That hits. Plus... That's an AC of six What would you roll? Pearl. That's a six. That hits. Plus... That's an AC of six, so. Pardon? You hit it. You did it. It's a six plus seven. Six plus seven, okay. It's like a port-a-potty.

It's the size of a port-a-potty. It's easy to hit. Okay, thank you. So 13. So roll for the DMH. What is it? A d8. D8 plus your wisdom modifier. Thank you, everyone. Five plus wisdom, which I think is four.

Which is four, so nine. Nine? Nine. The fruitcake, again, acts like a big scoop and just hits it, and now there's a big swatch away, and Klaus's face is actually this far away from the outside of it. A whole corner has been chunked off, and it is losing its consistency.

It's losing its shape. Anything else? What else would you like to do? Because that was a bonus action. Yeah, that was bonus. I would like to use a Sacred Flame. Also on the... Also on a gelatinous cube.

Let's get him out of there. If we can. Yep. So I will... That is right. Yeah? Yeah. 1d8? Actually, he has to roll for it. Yep. So I will, that is right. That's, yeah? Yeah. 1d8? I actually used to roll for it. Yep. Oh, you roll. It's the creature avoiding it.

Just kidding. No, it does not beat, nope. So that hits roll damage. Dah! That's this. No, no, no, 1d8. Oh, 1d8. Oh, the nine with a negative four death. Oh, 2d8, yeah.

Ah! Yeah. Right. Six plus six. 12. Ellory. Yeah? How would you like to do this? Oh! Yeah.

Good deck, you. I would like for the fruitcake to hover, just because it does. As fruitcake is wont to do. As fruitcake does. And then I would like to sing to the fruitcake and have the fruitcake cover the entire gelatinous cube with all of the fruit

until all of the fruit just poisons the whole thing because it lacks Christmas spirit inside. Okay, I'll say that simultaneously, the sacred flame hit the gelatinous cube, which starts to bubble and curdle and you can feel it get warm around you and you hear from outside that muffling of this flute around you, and the fruitcake starts going,

It just starts carving away bits, so there's nothing left. It's easy for you to spill out of that thin membrane, and you're now on the metal, slick. Everybody is slick all around you now. It's tricky footing, but you're safe. You're it's slick all around you now. It's tricky footing, but you are safe. You're breathing. The cube was up next. Yay! Thanks, Shelby! Sure thing, thanks, fruitcake.

Thanks, fruitcake. Crispy spirit. Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug. No, not the brownie man. Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, except these are flying, so they're still here. Now it is Wormtongue's turn, and he just sort of dances, doot-a-doot-a-doot-a-doot-a-doot,

and he just barely makes it to there. That's a bad idea. So we'll say he's hanging from the ladder. He's still on the ladder, but he's on his way to the top. And he's just laughing. Rich! Nutmeg, you're up. Okay.

So I'm going to cast Haste on myself. Hey! And I'm going to make my way up to the first plate. Okay. Level one. Where's that damn brown nutmeg? Oh, she's invisible. Five, 10, 15, 20, 25. And you said you wanted to, oh, and it's double.

Hey, Shia. Five, 10, 15, 20, I'm going to say, just give us a tip top. No longer invisible because she cast Haste. Right, yeah. Thank a tip-top. No longer invisible because she cast Haste, right? Yeah. Thank you. No worries.

Beem! Okay. And that should be it for you. I think. Bonus action. Unless you have a bonus action of any kind. Cranberry, you're up next. No, I can't attack anything. Gag, gag, gag, gag, gag, gag, gag, gag, gag, gag, gag. Okay.

Okay, Cran. Santa. Okay, I'm going to. You can, with the haste action, use either an attack, a dash, disengage, hide, so you could dash one more time with your haste. Oh yeah, okay. So I would love to try to,

could I try to dash one more time with your haste. Oh yeah, okay. So I would love to try to, could I try to dash one more time to the rope? Yeah. Before it moved? Definitely make it. Yeah, perfect. All right, I'm going to hold onto it. Okay.

Try to make it. I'll say that you're, Can I try to make it up a little bit? You get your hand out in front of it. And so you're just like, it's dangling right there. Great. Stay tuned on that. Okay. Okay, so it does start to move.

Why don't you make a dexterity check right now? One. Slips right through your hands. Is it passing over me? Sure, if you want to, yep. Yeah, definitely was right here. Both of you, I would say, can make, both you and old man here can make dexeduct check count.

Watch your fucking mouth. That's an eight. An eight, yeah. That's a 14. Two, so the three of you are like, and it just keeps going. We're about there. This is here. This is here.

This is here. We're going to save Santa, guys. And now we are on to Cranberry. Yeah, who is going to run, and she's going to go for that middle chain. Can I ask a 25, like the rest of us elves? Yeah, that's fine. Can I ask a 25, like the rest of us elves? Yeah, that's fine. And then I'm going to look up at Wormsack,

and is he about 120 feet, probably? He should be within. I'm going to cast Guiding Bolt at 3rd-level. Ooh! Up the butt. Up the butt. Up the butt. Riding the goose. So I have to attack.

Wait, 12? No, 13. 13. You see a look of him, he goes and whizzes right past his head. That was a long shot. That sucks. And that was an action.

Walk it in! Correct. And then I'm going to move my brawny man up 20 feet to the next level. That sucks. All right. Okay, Bungalstein, you're up. Looking for a chain.

There you are. Okay, so you want to try to grab the closest? Yes, please. All right. You can definitely catch up with it. Why don't you make a dexterity check? 17 plus three, 20. You've got your hand on it and caught

and it's pulling you along. Do you want to try to climb? I'm climbing. Okay, so you start climbing. It is difficult, you go to half speed. Again, I can't leave you hanging here, but we're going to say that you are just below there. I'll use my action to just keep moving

to get up onto the platform. Okay, you make it that far. And then is there anything up there? Are there any other stairs? Make a new dexterity check. New dexterity check. 18. 18. As you step down at the top here, the long red panel leading into the top depresses as you get in, and a little trapdoor goes and you see a large, almost as big as you, spiked

d20 coming out and you just do a little ballet and it just flies right past you. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! And you hear this gigantic iron D20 strikes into some piece of stone ruins. I'd say that's as far as you'd get, maybe a little further in. Is there anything up here?

Any means of climbing to the next? Yeah, as soon as you're here, you see there's actually, above where those trap doors lifted, there's a separate round hole, and you can just see the edge of another round hole, and you see what look like bars of a ladder on the inside. Give them a sever?

Yeah. Okay. Okay. So I'll just shout, watch out for balls! Fair. Sound advice. Well, depending. In your face or where?

Yeah, yeah, just flying right at your face. Okay. Now, do you mean that in a positive or negative sense? Like, are we excited about that or avoiding? I was, it was exciting. Sounds like Miami, 1984. You hear, Bungle-stein, you hear brittle, stiff little wings going.

Oh no, oh no. And you see two nasty-looking wasps with a long, both a pincer coming out of the tail and then two little mandibles snapping as they come, but they don't get close enough to you. Then we're on to Arthur, top of the round. Okay, I'm hidden, and I think those wasps are within 80 feet, if I remember.

At least one of them's got to be within 80 feet, I imagine. Yes. Yeah. So I'm going to take a shot at one of the two wasps. Okay. Here we go. Let's see. Oh god. 13. You watch as that erector set arrow

just goes flying through the air. Oh, nuts. Damn it! I'm going to take off running then. I'm going to move towards the discs, and then I'm going to use my bonus action to dash. All right. Right here behind Cranberry.

Okay, we're on to Klaus. Up to Klaus now? Yeah. All right, I'm looking up at this. I'm realizing this is a dangerous and difficult climb. I look over, whereabouts are you? Who's all up there? We got Nutt here, Bunglestein, Klaus, difficult climb. I look over, whereabouts are you? Who's all there? We got Nutt here, Bunglestein, Klaus, Shetland.

All right, as it's spinning and grinding, and I hear the warning for balls ahead, and the freshers go, Hey, Nutt! Yeah? You still remember that trick from back in the day? Oh, I never forget it! All right.

Get your ass over here! All right, I'm going to go ahead and use my movement to get over next to Nutmeg. Okay. And I'm going to go ahead and hold my action, that if, by the grace of the Great Claws, she can manage to pull this off, I'm going to unleash all my anger and fury

upon that sack of worms if I see his face. So I'm holding my attack. Holding your attack if he becomes within range of you? Yes. Okay. End of my turn. Okay. Okay. Ellory, you're up.

Okay. Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh. Make a joyful noise, Ellory! I can yippee again. Yay! So how far away are the wasps from me? I'm right there, Lantern Girl. Here, so hard to remember, all these flying things. So about how many feet would you say? Well, it's hard to say exactly.

It looks 60, 70, 80-ish. There's a big difference. Yeah, I know. Which means I might miss, is what you're saying. Maybe. Okay, and from the spiritual weapon floating fruitcake, which is still there, to the wasps? You could get up to here, I would say.

Okay. That's progress. I think I'd like to do that, please. Okay. Yeah, and then just for fun, because I can, because that's a bonus, let me try to see if I can hit, because I'm 60 feet for a Sacred Flame, let me see if I can hit one of the wasps from where I am.

Okay. Please. And that's a dex of... Okay. What is your spell, what am I beating? What's the number for you? It'll be on that main page. Yeah, that's, yeah.

Yeah, 15. 15. You see Sacred Flame form right here by this one, and it flutters backwards and goes and just pulls right outside. Fuck. Get to next time. Okay. Gah, gah, gah, gah. Gah, gah, gah, gah.

Okay, now we are on to Chetney. What do you want to do? I don't need any magic. In my day, we pulled ourselves up by our bootstraps and did things with our hands. I'll go over to the chain and start climbing. Okay, make a dex for me. Come on. We didn't have stairs, we just climbed chains. That's a 21!

Woo! You catch the rope and swing. Use the rest of your movement to get here. So that's your movement. Yep. I'm going to say... Okay. I'll use my action.

And I'll ha- Is this see-through, the column, or is it solid metal? It's solid metal. Also make a new dexterity save. 20. Oh jeez. You get up to the top and you step down on this red track and it goes and you see a trapdoor in front of you, you go and a giant spike ball goes boom, boom, boom, boom. And you leap and feel a giant spike just graze the sack as it flies under your legs and goes and flies off into the rubble.

I've only got one of those left, got to be careful. Okay, so you were about to say, for your action. I will use my, I will dash towards the column and I will hide on the other side of that solid pillar across from Waxby. Make a stealth check. Okay. Just ask nicely.

17. Okay, got it. Now we are on to, oh, this guy's gone. Wormsack at the top goes, Oh, you think I'm just fucking around? And he turns his back to you. You can make it on film. Oh, thanks.

Boom. That was cut. That was cut, yeah. Only in storyboards. And you see his arm raised to the sky Yeah. Only in storyboards. Yeah! And you see his arm raised to the sky and there is a large black spike coming up out of it. It's oily, it looks like carapace, maybe,

and you see it go up to the air and you see it then bend down and go. Into Santa? And you hear, Santa! go. Into Santa? Whoa! Into Santa! Yes, into Santa. No! Power's back! Holy night!

It'd be Silent Night if feet. Go hurry up! Oh shit. Ooh! Okay. Oh, Santa. What I expected for my first Christmas! No! Santa! Oh man. Okay.

All right, now it is Nottmage's turn. Come on, Meg! Okay, okay, okay. Klaus, I think it's time we do like old times, yeah? Yeah, you want to? Yep. Following suit. I'm going to cast Dimension Door.

Yeah, you are. And I'm going to Dimension Door. We're going to go right up. Yeah! Just there? Yeah! Just there? Yeah. Can we decide where we are? Yes, absolutely. Should we be on the other side of Santa, or do you want to be right in front of him?

I want to be right in front of him. Okay. He's here because he was stabbing, so I'll put you here. I'll put you here. The old one, too, you normally flank your enemies, because that's put you here. I'll put you here. The old one, too, you'd normally flank your enemies, because that's the old, why wouldn't you do that? It's the old one, too. Okay. One for punch.

You are now in position. Correct. I'm going to go ahead and, using my reaction, attack him now. Yeah. Is that with advantage because of the flanking? Flanking, yes. All right. And Christmas magic.

And Christmas magic. And Christmas magic. It's a 20 to hit? That definitely hits. I'm going to expend another of my Superior dice, try a trip attack, and I'm going to try and knock him on his ass. Nice. So for that, damage is going to be...

Ooh, that's a four hit. 17 points of bludgeoning damage. Okay. It's a slam towards his legs, and he has to make a strength saving throw. Okay. What's he got to beat? 15.

A little natural 20. Oh, dang! Yeah, it shoves into his belly and the sack flesh just dents in and you see it just roil and move. Disgusting! So that was Chutney. Or no, Nutmeg.

These names on the cranberry. Okay, I'm going to move the brawny man. Okay. Over to the wasps. Okay. Fucking nature's assholes, these wasps. Dabba dabba dabba! Nature's assholes.

Yeah. Yeah. You trying to think that you're bees, we know better. All right, and it's going to attack. Okay. Fucking misses! What do you roll? Two.

Yes, it does miss. There's no fucking way. And then I, the chain is right in front of me? Yeah. Okay, so I'm going to tap into my timber sports, and I don't lose movement by climbing, so I'm just. Give me that dex at advantage. Okay.

Because of your Olympic training. Jesus. Dex save or dex check? Check. Check, 10. 10, just enough. You just scurry up it like a little squirrel, Dex save or dex check? Check. Check. 10. 10, just enough. You just scurry up it like a little squirrel.

You're standing by your spiritual weapon, by Bunglestein, and by a wasp right by your face. Oh. Oh man. Oh jeez. Oh jeez. Okay. I think that's it. Yeah. Yeah, that's all I can do.

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Right, do I still have an action? That was a bonus action to move and attack. You moved with your speed, and it didn't, yeah, you moved your full speed. You do still have your action. I do have an action. Whacka whacka wasp.

I'm going to, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll whacka whacka wasp. That sounds fun. Whacka whacka whacka wasp! Jesus, why does this keep happening to me? I feel personally attacked. 14? Oh, 14?

No, no, no, 13. 13. It almost connects and just goes. You know, you just swung, got to the top, landed like a bad ass, but it winded you to get there. Okay, just missed. All my rolls are poop. Okay, Bunglestein, you're missed. All my rolls are poop. Okay, Bunglestein, you're up.

All my spells are safe. I will hit the wasp first. Okay. 17 plus a lot. Hits. I'm going to hit him with my wrench. Okay. My working wrench that I have down at the stables

for seven points of damage. Okay, these things have been dancing around out of everybody's reach, but your wrench, you watch it, it's not looking at you, it's paying attention to Cranberry, and it just goes gone. Nice. Yes. Raid!

Amazing. I will now use my movement to try to get to the climbing rings and scurry up the middle. Okay. The middle. I have 35 feet of movement. On a ladder, Jesus. I would say that you're,

I'm going to put you like this. You're not prone, but you're just underneath coming up. That's right. That's right. Just cresting. That's right. Just crowning. Not crowning. Oh! This is what the doctor saw.

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. Okay, so what happens next is this wasp flies straight at you, Cranberry, and she's gone. She can answer these questions. Yeah, definitely hits. Her AC is not 20, I assume. No, it's not. So she will take two plus three, five points of damage, and this wasp clasps onto the back of her neck, and just the wasp's finger just goes

and the wings you watch wrap around the sides of her neck and go, and it is just attached to the back of her neck. Or just on her. It's on her. Okay. Okay, and that was five hit points of damage. Okay, so that's the end of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SAM and LAURA and LAURA and LAURA and LAURA. I know that I'm getting the placement totally wrong constantly. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Nope, don't care. I get to say, da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Oh jeez.

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Oh jeez. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Never give me mini privileges. Okay. At that moment, you all hear a voice ring out from the ruins behind you, adjacent to a large outcropping of stone. Enough! This has all gone too far.

Release him! And as you all turn, you see a pale, gaunt figure crawling over the broken stone of this ruined tower. It's lithe, it's fast. This being's skin, as you look at it, is translucent and slick, and you can see a skeleton frame and large misshapen skull sitting there

within the rind that is this creature's head, but the eyes are black. Two round, wet orbs that are lidless and unnerving. I started this mess, and now we will finish it! Oh yeah, oh yeah. You see the muscles in his jaws, which are like strips of ribbon candy

sliding through milky water, stretch and unfold, and its mouth splits at the chin, unfolding horrifically, and a long, writhing tongue spills out. There is the gentleman in question. Whoa! What? That's the dude who started it, and that's how we know.

Got you. Translucent skin, fine eyes, come out of nothing skin. He's real bad. Venom in reverse. And that's, he's got claw-like teeth. Arthur, top of the round. I don't have eyes on anybody other than this mystery. I can't see anybody from my advantage, I assume.

Uh, what the hell? Ooh, support parts. Down here, no. You have eyes on nothing, except for this fella. Yeah, that was a lot. I'm going to head towards the chain. Five, six, seven, eight, nine, 20. You're there.

Bonus action, and I also have a thing called Second Story Work, which I think might help me get up that chair. What's the description on that? Climbing no longer costs you extra movement. When you make a running jump, the distance covered increased by three. Okay, so I would say you just jump from here

and went as it's spinning. Then I'm going to take my bonus action to keep climbing up. Yeah. I still have my action. Yeah. Timer. Watch out, bald man. Whatcha doing?

Oh, there was a wasp right in front of you. I'm going to pull that crazy ass sword. Yes. And I'm going to pull my crazy ass sword. Yes. And I'm going to take a slice of that wasp. Okay, good. Open that bitch up. Oh, that's right, I forgot about that sword. I'm sure it's just a liquor stick.

All right, you can add a, okay, go for it. I assume it's the same to hit, right? Mm-hmm. Like a reverse face. Oh, ah-ha! 23 to hit. Okay, Snick or Snack? The blade, you hear a low hum

and it just splits. Oh! I love this place. And falls onto the metal disc that you're standing on. That's the end of your turn, right? That is the end of my turn. Da-da-da-da-da-dee-da-dee-da-dee. Yeah, let's get that. Da-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

Okay. I know nothing about the sword. Could you do me a favor? Also make a dexterity save. Mm-hmm. Babe, did you take that card back? The spiritual act. I don't think I did.

Nine. Nine. A trapdoor goes and you see this giant spiked ball fly at you. Use that for Yak. Yes, you can use Uncanny Dodge. Okay, and you take five points of piercing damage

and you are flung from the ridge. Arty! Arty! No! and you are flung from the ridge. And take... Is that five total or five after, five halved? Five from the pierce, no, halved, down to five. And then you take an additional nine points of bludgeoning damage as you slam into the ground after that nimble, heroic race to the second floor.

And that's the end of your turn. Now we're on to the Hallow King. The Hallow King bends down low to the ground and his elbows and hips rise above his back even in springs and leaps. Don't you dare. And lands right here. And lands right by...

That's me, that's Cranberry. Cranberry. Oh! Oh! But she's already in his watch. Yeah, do I still have a watch? He looks up, he looks up. He looks up, he's not looking.

And that's the end of his, that's the last thing that he has. He's trying to help us! He's trying to help us. He's like the movie. He's trying to help us! That's like the movie! He stalks over this way. He's not looking. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Me and you talking about the right Frenchman. I'm getting rid of this. Now we are on to Klaus. Oh, and he's going far enough. All right. Yeah, okay. How's Santa looking? There are two huge puncture wounds in the side of his red coat, and they are bleeding.

Oh god. He's got plenty of blood, it's fine. All right, with him right there, I'm going to go, yeah, I'm just going to tear both candy canes out. Okay. That's my boss, asshole! Both candy canes out. Yep. First strike is going to be 23 to hit.

Yes. All right. I linked going to be 23 to hit. Yes. All right. I linked these to sharpen them this week. I'm going to spend another of my Spirity dice to attempt to do a disarming attack to see if I can manage to hit him and club this blade off of his somewhat imperfect form. Okay. Not the best roll of damage. He takes 10 points of bludgeoning damage. Okay. Not the best roll of damage.

He takes 10 points of bludgeoning damage. Okay. But he does have to make a strength saving throw. Okay. Against a little elf. A natural one. Whoa! So I'm going to say you swing out with that candy cane and flip it mid-spin and the hook catches

that blade and you feel it pull and something give and you rip. That needle pulls out and you see a bug come along with it. A long pupus just flies out and this half-living bug flies and just goes. You watch a couple more bugs go out of that hole. All right, so the blade clatters to the ground. Second attack, striking out towards its face. Okay. Natural 20.

Oh, do it! Yes. I'm going to use another superiority dice. Okay. Because I can do that and fix the critical even better. Make the snow red! Make the snow red! This one I will make... This will be a trip attack.

Yeah, cool. Ooh, so with that doubled, that'd be... Oh my god. That's a lot. 28 points of damage. Oh, nice. He has to make another strength saving throw or be knocked prone. To beat what's the number?

He beats that. Okay, that's fine. Bonus attack. Mm-hmm. I'm going to swing for him a third time. Oh my god. That's going to be a 16 to hit. Uh, where'd you go? Yes. All right. That's going to be 12 points of damage.

This is why Santa calls you the Fixer. Damn right. I told you. I've earned a number. I'm going to use my Action Surge. Fucking crazy motherfucker do it. Fighters, man! Yeah, yeah. They're really good at one thing, and that's fucking shit up!

But I'm not going to attack him with it, because I don't want him to pick that weapon back up. Oh. He rolled a natural one. It's down there. Oh. Then I go, oh, never mind. Two more taps. Is he within 30 feet of Cranberry? All right, that's a 26 to hit.

Never mind. You don't see him. He's good. 26, yes, that hits. Another resh. It's another 12 points of damage. Ooh! And my fifth and final attack of the round. I see him. 26, yes, that hits. Another resh. It's another 12 points of damage. My fifth and final attack of the round. It's going to be a 22 to hit. Bloodlust.

I'm going to use my last superiority dice to go ahead and use Menacing Attack. Oh my god. For 16 points of bludgeoning damage. Holy balls. I need to make a wisdom saving throw. Why are none of us playing a fighter class? He rolled a mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.

Like ever. I don't know. He's doing so much. What does he have to beat? 15. He beats it. Okay, got to roll the 16 plus one. So both strikes, I just get up right in his face with both candy canes jammed into his mouth.

I pull the mouth open a bit and just be like, say, ah, motherfucker! And that smile stretches and you just see beetles just spilling and vomiting out the wider it gets and he's going. End of your turn, badass. Now we are on to Ellory. Hi, how you doing? So I'd like to get closer to the people. I would like to use my 25 feet of movement, and I'd like to go directly toward Artie, who's on the ground. Yep. Right?

Mm-hmm. 10, 15, 20, 25. I just want to make sure I was closer to him. And then for my bonus, I would like the spiritual fruitcake of joy. I would like that thing to destroy the wasp that is harming my precious cranberry. You're such an inspiration.

Yeah, I know. The fruitcake flies over and just hovers and hesitates for a moment, and then just tries to go to try to hit this thing that is attached to the back of your neck. Oh, fruitcake! Roll to attack with that. Everybody loves a fruitcake.

D20. D20, thank you. Plus your spell attack modifier. Okay, so that's 10 plus seven. Yeah, that hits. And it's just like you're doing a bank shot, playing pool and going tap, the fruitcake just goes and you feel and it hurts a little bit,

but you also feel and your own blood starts seeping down your neck from inside the insect that just got burst open. Ooh. So that's bonus action movement. Anything else? Nice. Bonus action. Can I do something else. Anything else? Nice. Bonus action. Can I do something else?

Yeah, you can do any action. You still have an action. You can heal people. Yeah. Heal people. I think I would like to heal some people. I'm very concerned about Artie. Because he's right here. He's got some wounds.

Can I touch him? Yeah. From here? Are you close enough to? Am I close enough to touch Artie? No. No? Nope, but you have stuff that you don't need to touch. That's true.

Are you trying to heal? I was going to heal, yes, indeed. Do you have thoughts for me? If you have healing words. I'm not proud. She does have healing words. She already used the bonus action. That's part of the bonus action. Yeah.

Oh, that's her only action? Do I use it as an action? No, they don't. Aid's within 30 feet, but that's three creatures, and I could use it just on Artie, but. Could she have used her spiritual weapon as an action? No, it's only a bonus. You can also hold the action until I get up

and come over to you. I'd like to hold the action until he gets up and gets closer to you. I like to hold the action until he gets up and gets closer to me. That's good. Is what I was going to say. You guys have already made the eye contact and you're like, he's crawling slowly towards you and you're running over and you just control

the fruitcake on the fly, but you haven't reached each other yet. Ellory, Chetney. What are you going to do, Chet? My fucking heart rates through the roof, but I'm climbing up the tower still. Okay. Okay, so you're going to here.

Unless we're all in Gettin' You. I should have had my prune juice. So that's your movement to get there. Yeah, I'll use my fucking dash to get over to that damn ladder. Okay, you're there. Five, 10, 15, 20, 25, like halfway up, baby. Okay, I'll say to that.

Okay, I'm hanging on! So you used movement and an action. Yep. You could dash up here as a bonus action. Oh, yeah, oh, did I not already? Yeah. Five, 10, 20, 25. You're there. That's a wrap. I'm going to. You're there.

That's a wrap. I'm going to say you're there. Yeah, I'm hanging on. Okay. Keep holding on! Okay, Klaus Chudney. Okay, Wormsack. You call him a sack, it's all like bleeding out.

Wormsack rounds on you, obviously the biggest threat here, and attempts to punch you in the face. Oh Matt, you're about to get punched. Take it. Worm punch. And isn't he grappled? What is?

Oh, is he? Remind me. He's not grappling, just a bit. No, that was just a color. What's your armor? Narrative flair. He's just fish hooking him. What's your AC? 17.

17, first strike misses. Oh jeez, he is just like the fish-hooking is doing. That's right, what's wrong, poor baby? Can't hit nothing, can you? When good elves go bad. He is going to attempt to swing away, though, so he's moving out of range, guys.

All right, here he goes. What? Attack of opportunity. Okay, go for it. That's 18 to hit. That does hit. That's nine points of bludgeoning damage. Okay. As he pulls away, one cane falls out of the mouth,

the other I tear out the side. Yeah, so he swings around with one badly wounded stump and his hand is coming down and as he swings around and turns and sees you, right in the face. He slides down the ladder, fireman style. He's down there. Got it. Did you try to attack, too? I did, but I didn't.

Okay. I didn't do it. You can help do this. So that's Wormtongue. It's me. Nutmeg, yes. Okay, so I'm going to peek over the side. I'm going to peek over the side. Let me see you. I'm peeking again!

Okay, okay. I love your angry peek over the side. Peek over. I'm peeking! Get him, Nott. Okay, okay. I love your angry peeking face. I'm going to stick my hand over so I can, you know, where I can see him. I'm going to cast Chromatic Orb again. Okay, do it. On the level. I'm going to do it at,

I'm going to do it at second level. Ooh! 13. No, no, it just shatters on the disc right next to him. Makes a huge flare that you guys see from down below. Want to move anywhere or? Okay, so with the haste, I get an extra action. Which you can attack with.

Okay, so I'm going to attack him with my Christmas ribbon. I'll say you can do that at disadvantage. Okay. From up here. Like fishing. I'll take it. Mm. Nope. No.

It just rat tails right by his neck. And you give yourself a paper cut on the recoil. Rip and cut. Cranberry, you're up. Okay, I turn to the pale one. I say, hey, you seem super athletic. You take gymnastics, yeah? Okay, if you take me with you

when we get up there, we'll do a little one-two combo punch together, if you'll carry me. Get us over. Yeah? Will he carry me up there? Anything else? It's not his turn. He's not, but is he responding in any way? If he roused? What you saw is what you got. Is his response?

Well, he was able to talk. It's true. I'll... But his jaw is opened out, unfolded. He has chosen. I'll say I'm going to take it. Blade three-ed? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I feel like you're giving me consent, so I'm going to hold on to his waist, and I'm going to hold my action until I'm in range with the Oogie Boogie. If you want to hold on and go for the ride, I'm going to say that is your action. Okay, I'm going to hold on and go for the ride. And it's not the Oogie Boogie. It's Merv's sack.

Yeah. Okay, so you are, as you do this, this thing is wet. Like he has just got a film all over him, so it is like, I don't know, like hugging a peeled grape. Just how I imagined it. Yeah. Grape. Bunglestein?

Does anything still smell like peppermint? Everything. Santa's wounds. Santa's bleeding body. Santa's too well. I want to show it so Santa's wounds. Santa's bleeding body. He's dead so well. I want to show it so Santa's wounds smell like peppermint. Like Glade peppermint plug-in. Ew. Okay.

Bungalstein, you're up. Not brought to you by Glade. I will stand, move to the worm creature, and bonus action, I'm going to use Fighting Spirit, which gives me advantage on all of my attacks. Okay. And I will take my two fighter attacks. Yes. And I will go,

Ho, ho, ho, motherfucker! First one is 20 to hit. Hits. I'll just roll for the second one, too. Not as good, 13. Does not hit. Hits. I'll just roll for the second one, too. Not as good, 13. Does not hit. Okay, so first hit is seven plus three, 10.

Okay. And then I will use my Action Surge and do two more attacks. Woo! Yeah, yeah. Just a 15. That hits. Oh, great. Just barely. Okay.

Which one? Oh, eight! Plus three is 11. Nope. And then, no, that's the damage. Oh, that's the damage. Sorry, 11. Thank you, thank you. And then one last attack.

19 plus a lot. Mm-hmm. Another eight plus three, another 11. Eight! Great. Okay. Eight, that's right, right? I think that's everything.

Okay, and what was the weapon you were attacking with again? Oh, this is my wrench. Okay. Yeah, you're just, you're beating him, you beat him across the head and you again watch that sack dent in and you can just see the dent moving underneath.

Then you bring the wrench underneath and then just jam it as hard as you can into his navel area. The wrench and your hand disappear through a crack in it and you can just feel things sliding all over your hand that's in there. But he is just hemorrhaging at this point.

I only took, what, 10, 15 feet of movement to get there? Yes, yeah, 15. I'm going to use all 20 of my remaining feet to get away from him as far as I can on the plate. Okay, so you're going to go this way? Yeah. All right. He's going to take a swipe at you. No, he won't.

I have a thing. You have a thing? Yep, if I attack with any melee, he does not get a reaction to attack. Take you at your word. Five, 10, 15. What the fuck are we doing? I know.

I don't know. That's the defeat duelist. Is that what that is? I'm lucky. Good. These are gone. Arthur, top of the round. Oh man, I'm going to get up and...

I'm mobile. Oh, that's what it is. Mobile. You took the mobile feat? I took the mobile feat. Oh my god. You stand up and have movement. Tag team, so you jump back a bit, so you're held action.

Yeah, so I would very much like to cure your wounds. Oh, that'd be great. So I'm going to touch you, and you're going to regain number of hit points equal to the following thing. Eight plus seven! Oh my god! That's insane!

So her hands touch your shoulders and all of a sudden you smell gingerbread and potpourri and you feel better, you feel firm again. Let's go save Christmas. Well, good. I'm running straight in with the rest of my movement, and then I'm going to use my two movements to burn everything going.

15, 20, 25, five, 10, 15, 20, make a dex check for me. 19. You got it. All right, so it's in your hand, and I'm going to say that you go with it. So this goes this way, this goes, and drags you a little bit.

And now we're onto the Hollow King. Cranberry, you feel this body slipping around in your arms and it just sort of drags you down a bit and then you feel yourself holding on as he leaps up and his arm reaches out and grabs the lid of this disc and it just swings around and lands.

Oh my. You're both here. That was a jump, so. So he gets in and bends down low and both his hands elongate and the claws go and stretch an extra three inches or so and slashes at Wormtongue. Straight. Both hit.

It's still the NPC, you can swear. Yeah, the NPC could say, yeah. That'd be good fun. That'd be amazing. 11. Okay. Six. The claws rake into the belly and rip the gut open and a gallon of insects just go and

fall on the ground. In fact, here it is. You have a gallon of insects? Yeah! Right there. He's still sort of staggering butt up. Butt up or butt? Never mind. He's still sort of staggering butt up. Uh... Butt up or butt, never mind. Butt up. DreamWorks Animation presents,

Butt Up. Nuttbutton Chut, this Christmas. Klaus, it is your turn. Come on, Klaus. Wish I could not sponsor him. End his reign. Santa Claus. Sponsors. And his reign. Santa! No, I see him coming up and seeing Santa

with the wounds in his stomach and those look in his eyes. I look over at you and go, hey, you got this. I'm going to reach in and pull out my healer's kit and go over and use an action to stabilize Santa. Oh, wow. What if it's a healing potion? It's a healer's kit, it's not a healing potion or anything. No, it's a healer's kit, just stabilize. Okay, so you shove a bunch of marshmallows into the wounds and they just absorb, they turn pink

and just fill out like, caulk. And he is stable. And then I'm going to go ahead and look over Santa right into the eyes of Chudney. Yeah. That's my turn. What the fuck? Make a frisbee of wood. Ellory, it's back on you.

Yes. Just throw him off the top. Just in case I'm going to be needed at some point near Santa for some healing, I want to make sure that I get closer. So I would like to move my 25 feet. And how far can I go with my 25 feet? That's the 25 feet.

Yeah, that's it. Unless you use your action also. Yeah, and I was thinking I would use my action as well to go up farther. 15. Thank you. And can I get to the chain or no? 25, well, it happens to,

shit, I lost track. Yeah, it swings right to you. Why don't you make a dex check? Well, that's a 19. Yeah, you catch it in your hand. Plus two, that's 21. You catch it in your hand. And so it'll drag you along.

On your next turn, you can get up it. Can I have a bonus action? Yes, you may. I would like, who needs the spiritual weapon? Let's see. The wasp is just hanging out there. Do I need to fight it? Where is it? Wasp's dead.

Wasp's dead. Well, I thought there was another wasp, but no, that's not. Can I use Spiritual Weapon against the Bag of Worms? You can't get to it, I don't think. No, it's 20 feet. Can I get close? Yeah, but not enough to hit it.

Can I just hang out there? Yep. Cool. This is really fun. Okay. Chutney, what's up? Was that D&D or Ellory? Okay, go ahead. Chutney! Yeah? Yeah. I stand up. That's a good time.

And Wormsack is no longer there. But there's the fat man. I can do this. Oh my god. I move towards Saint Nick. What? He told me to make Voltron out of wood. Oh my god. No one wanted it.

He told me to make a Game Boy. I can't do circuits. He told me to make the little trolls, but the hair didn't move. And I'll take my wooden chest out! Are there any restraints on Santa? Yeah, he's tied down. I stab him my wooden chest out! Are there any restraints on Santa? Yeah, he's tied down. I stab him in the chest!

Oh, shit! What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? Oh god. I did everything I could! Make an attack and a banish! It's auto-crit! What is this shit? That's it. That's it. It's terrible! Make an attack and advantage! It's an auto-crip! It's a death! That's it.

That's it. Automatic rip. 25 to hit. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh no. Is this real? 36.

Wait, are you? 12 points of damage. Is it a sneak attack? Yeah, it's flanking. It's an advantage, yeah, he's having the advantage of a sneak attack. Sneak attack damage. This is the opposite.

My brain's like... Do you double the sneak attack damage? Yeah! Oh shit, you got a double? You're going to kill Sam! What is wrong with you? I'm just it, like, showing the last marshmallow, it's like,

Ha! Oh! 32. How much, how much? 32 points of slashing damage. Oh! Okay. Oh man, someone fly me in a glass of water. Travis has given me hard palpitations.

Oh my gosh, okay, anything else, Hannibal? Don't pay! Don't pay! I've shut these kids. You might have to. We might have to! You can answer it. Yes, you can.

No. I just stare at him. Is this a lie? Yes, he is. Oh god, say thank god. He looks delirious. I use my bonus action to hide! Let her down!

What is happening? It's Wormsack's turn. Christmas miracle. Wormsack attempts to get away, of course. The Hallow King strikes, but misses, and Wormtongue drops down to here. No! I just got fucking there. Where are you going? Oh my god. Yeah.

You're not being nice! And he, no, not anymore. Yeah, that's the end of his turn. He's trying to get out of here. Nutmeg, you're up. Holy summa, you're up. Holy fuck. Son of a bitch! Okay.

I'm holding onto that. That's my favorite. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll make a, yeah, we'll let him know. I'm confused. It's so good! Are you fucking kidding me? Is that me? My son's going to grow up and be like...

You fucked him! I literally thought of him instantly when you did that! All right, what's the move, nutmeg? What's the move? Okay, okay, okay. We have to save and or destroy Christmas. What the fuck. Okay. Okay, I turn towards Santa. No, I'm just kidding.

We all have to do it together. Everybody, everybody. All of us together. All right, bro. I'm just kidding. I'm going to move. We could live here. We could just live here forever.

Well, I guess, yeah, right there. Would I be at a disadvantage if I'm on the left? Can I get down here? You can. From where I was? Okay. Okay, sliding down is probably the easiest. Yeah. All right, we'll get right down here.

Wormtongue can do it, you should be able to do it. No more dollies. I'm going to peek over the side. Yep. Where'd it go? He's right below you in this second. Okay, so I'm going to take aim and I'm going to do what I'm going to call Ebenezer's Scorcher. Okay.

Which is really Agonazer's Scorcher. Okay. Nice. So good. Wow. Okay, okay, okay. Let's see here. Come on. Come on. 19. Hits. Okay.

There we go. That's going to be a... Line of roaring flame, 30 feet long and five feet wide, from you in a direction you choose. Down? I guess so. I'm the ghost of Christmas past. I'm going to add my d4 from the blessing. Or is that still?

It's not for damage. Just do it, unfortunately. Yeah, that's not for damage. That's all gone. Okay. Sorry. Nope, it's okay. damage, unfortunately. Yeah, dead. That's not for damage. Okay. Sorry. Nope, it's okay. That would be 11 points of damage.

No, plus anything? No. Just 3d6, 3d8. 3d8, yeah, okay, so 11 points of damage. Hold on, there was something else that I was going to do. Where did it go? I'm sorry. Hey, where did it go? Ah!

Okay, I also have this Charger feat. That's for a physical attack. Yeah, it's for a physical attack. That's a physical attack. Okay, never mind. So 11 points of damage. Yeah. How would you like to do the... Oh!

That was my chance, yes! Oh, what? Okay, so I'm going to shoot the Ebeneezer Scorcher, and I just want it to go straight down his whole body and just let all the bugs out. Okay. A gigantic, you throw your hand straight down. Everything has gone topsy-turvy. You've just seen one of your coworkers attack Santa. You are on a razor's edge. You are full of anxiety and

rage and thrust your hands downward and a torrent of flame spills down below you and this sack lights ablaze like the wicker man and all these bugs start to burn and crisp and fall away and he just falls into pieces, into lumps, into clumps and piles of insects. However, the back flap on this thing opens up and shits out one more poop of insects, but the body of Wormsack falls, strikes, and lies dormant. Where are Okay. Cranberry, what would you like to do?

Oh, yeah. Well, jeez, I just saw this, I just got here. There's a pile of insects. There's a pile of insects and a pile of insects. We're good up here! Oh yeah, okay! All right, great, good to hear. I'm going to have the brawny man

attack the insects down there with my bonus action. Okay. That should hit by all fucking accounts. But it's a 14 hits. Okay. Yeah. That's a roll for damage. This was already epic. This shit just went He-Man and Skeletor real fast.

Eight damage. Okay. So your brawny man comes down and slams these glowing, transparent fists, and the pile just goes and you see beetles going. And it's just absorbed in the natural absorbency pockets of brawny paper-tablets. That's right. You see them just pull into the legs of your spiritual weapon. It's quilted. And what's left just scurries around and is a smaller pile, but is still

writhing around in front of you. That's your bonus. Anything else? And then I guess I'll attack the other pile that's on my level. Okay, how so? With my axe. Okay, so you can get up there for sure. Ah, my axe! Okay, so you can get a fifth for sure. No! Axe! Goddamn it!

Nine! No, eight! Eight, even worse! Even no-er. They part like the Red Sea, seeing you coming, because you come running up in frustration. And they just go. And then rejoin when you whip up the axe. Now we are on Bungalstein.

Oh, I mean, we don't care about these bugs, do we? No, not really. I just didn't know what else to do. I'm going to scurry up the ladder and see what's going on with good old Saint Nick. You find a site. You get to the top and you see Klaus just slack-jawed, staring over the body of Santa Claus. Red stab marks all over his body. Marshmallows wedged in a couple of places and

darkening red. Santa Claus is going. And that's what you see. Oh no, what are we going to do to save him, guys? You don't see me. Oh, oh. I don't respond. I'm going to come. I am in shock, and all you see is the knuckles around each candy cane tense,

to the point where you hear the slight crackle of candy. Little shards on the outside of it crack and break, dust falling, peppermint dust from my grip. I'm going to go undo the restraints. Okay. With my expert restraint work. It's the one thing I'm good at, is buckles, guys!

You're able to undo the knots because of your time, again, working in the stables. Okay, so Santa is still out of it. Don't worry, Santa. You're still coming into town. We're the top of the round, Arthur. In theory, we're both underneath the chain. We're at the top of the round, Arthur. In theory, we're both underneath the chain that's right underneath the insects. Because we were holding on.

Yes, yes. I'm going to head up that chain. You are here, so let's, okay, you're there. No, we were actually, Which side? We should have been right next to, basically right underneath the insects is where we should have been.

So you're up. Yeah, I mean, I would have been on the other side of the disc. Make me an offer, Chetney. The over here? Make me an offer. Technically, we're both over there. Oh, those, yeah. Because we're both holding onto the chain.

Thank you. No problem. I should have never made spinning things a miserable idea. That was amazing. I'm so proud of you. I'm going to whack the insects with my sword. Okay. Hey, let's do a tax Okay. Hey, he gets to attack something. Yeah, 19.

Hits. And what does the sword do? Oh, well, you hear a low hum when you attack it. Did you hit? You did, right? Okay, roll damage. Four. No, I'm sorry.

No, I'm rolling the wrong die for a short sword. Is it a d6? This is a special short sword, though. Short swords are still d6. Four. Okay, so the thing hums in your hand and you bring it down and the bugs go and scatter. And you start to hear the wail of a woman in your ears. And you see these insects

and you will do nothing else but slay this pile of insects. Oh boy. Here's your sword of vengeance. Thank you. Sword of insects. Oh boy. Here's your Sword of Vengeance. Thank you. Sword of Vengeance. Ooh! Yeah, I think that's everything I can do. I'll use my, yeah.

I will, that's where I am. Christmas elf wielding a cursed blade, all right. Hollow King stomps forward. Technically, it should have been five points then. I added that. Oh, thank you. In my brain. In my brain. So that's 15. That misses, so Hollow King dives in

and slashes into this pile of bugs. It is... Okay. Okay, so he drags his hands through and scrapes along the bugs and flings them and they just scatter and fly in all different directions and fall from this platform. These are gone. Yay! And he drops, and he's here. Now we are onto swarms of insects who begin to pile back at you, Arthur, and start biting into your heels, or at least attempting to. What's your AC?

My AC is 14. That does not hit. So you manage to just hot foot it and dance away from them. And now we are onto Klaus, which I'm very curious about. All right, Klaus, what's it going to be? As I'm gripping these candy canes, I place my hand on the top of the altar

and leap, pummel-horsing off to flip and land on the opposite side of Chutney. Make an acrobatics check. Four. In a rage, you plant your foot here and go to leap over, but your foot catches on Santa's belly and you stumble down and land on top of Chutney. All right.

So am I prone on top of him? Yes. All right, I'm going to use the rest of my movement to stand up and move on the opposite side of him. Think about it. As I'm holding the candy cane forward, I say to him, do you intend to finish what you started? We could be rich.

We could sell off. We could lend. We could end the suffrage of the Elven. We could be property owners. Think of the magic. Think of the magic. What are you guys talking about? I glance back and look at the innocent eyes. Oh no.

Just a stable hand. What? Of this bushy-tailed, if he had a tail, elf who looks at the world with such joy and back at the old withered angry elf. Time to decide if you're going to be a man. Oh my god. You know what these gloves are for, right?

I do. I unleash a full round of attacks on you. That is going to be a 17 to hit. Yes! That is nine points of bludgeoning damage. Okay! Second attack. Ooh, that's a 26 to hit.

Yes. That's going to be eight points of bludgeoning damage. Ooh, yeah. And then third and final attack, natural one. Yes. That's going to be eight points of bludgeoning damage. Then third and final attack, natural one. Oh. The third one actually catches on the edge of the stone and the hook gets caught like. I'm going to say that that last thrust,

the candy cane actually cracked and broke in the grasp. You're down to one candy cane. Well, if it's, is it? Oh, it's a dagger now. Broken candy cane. I can still be useful. Just hold it towards you. Now what's it going to be?

You're a fool, Klaus. You can't compete with Amazon! It's my turn. In the interest of time, I'm going to say that the spiritual weapons and, no, I will say that, yeah, the spiritual weapon and Arthur manage to spray raid on these things. They're very weak.

I'm more interested in the aftermath, and it's late, so. The bugs are dead, the Hollow King. Man, he wins. Ah! I'm going to have a few words. You watch the creature take its own hand and reach into its own body and grab a rib right where its heart would be, supposedly, and pulls out a bone, which is just as jagged and sharp as the candy cane that Klaus is holding.

That can't be good. Anything else? Are you going to do anything? You haven't done anything yet. He stabs you straight through the heart. That is a 24 to hit. Yeah. Okay.

I didn't use my dick sticks. That's 16 points of piercing damage. Ooh, yeah! Don't forget, you also have, if you're a rogue, uncanny dodge. You're right, I will use that. Sure, why not? Okay.

And then he stabs again. And 17? Yeah, that's it. Okay. I feel like I could work around right now. 14 points of piercing damage. You're up to two right now? 17. 17.

Wait! Join the top. I'm going to... Join the top. We all go up top. The jaw folds. Why? I'm still holding the... Why? I've been underappreciated my whole life. Still holding the... Why?!

I've been underappreciated my whole life. I never learned any new skills. No one loves wood and metal toys anymore. I just wanted to be on top for once. I'm sorry. Everyone is up top of this tower now. And at that moment, as the bells jingle sadly from his weeping, you all hear a slight grunt.

And Santa is sitting on the edge of this altar. Santa! I drop Cure Wounds in Santa. Oh! The hippy one. Santa. I'm going to do a second level as well. Yeah, both do second levels.

Yeah, we're going to do second level Cure Wounds. Okay, roll for the HP, please. I'm doing second level. Are you doing second level? Yeah. Okay, hooray. Oh, that's good. 13. So 13, but increased by 1d8, which is five.

So that's 18. 18. Listen to Julie. All right. Hell yeah. Sup, bro's a jewelry. All right, hell yeah. What's up, bro? Yay. 15 as well. Okay.

You watch as two wads of misshapen marshmallow roll down his body. You can still see red blood staining the red coat, but he... What is going on here? This bag of humbug here decided to go ahead and try and take the business for himself. Planted a blade into your chest.

And, well, my judgment is the same judgment you've had me give a few times. But ultimately, it's up to you, Zayna. Well, I think that And the pale one kneels down. Wait. I am to blame.

I started this mess. I mean to make amends. He takes the rib and reaches out and places it on Santa Claus's knee. Worry yourselves no more. Giant claws reach out and grab Chutney. You watch as the pale one leaps from the top and descends into darkness.

No! Oh man. Oh. Oh jeez. That makes it easy. Oh man. Oh jeez. That makes it easy. Wow. Was that a weak ho ho ho you just started to do? Ooh, holy shit. It's real close.

Santa, can I make a suggestion? For the future of the company, I think we should maybe set up a system where we have a jail if people do something wrong instead of killing them. Maybe like a judicial system. Well, I was going to suggest that we put Chutney in the home. He's clearly worked too many

centuries. There's a home? You don't just straight up kill people if they do something wrong? Of course not. What kind of jolly old elf do you take me for? He looks at his watch. Goodness gracious, we have to get out of here. Everyone gather around. Santa touches the side of his nose, winks, and suddenly your eyes go misty and . A group of clouds flutter around the top of this tower, and you see Santa standing with you, and he says,

Follow me. And this large cloud spirals and zooms off towards the pipe that you all spilled out of. Do you stay here in misery forever or do you follow Santa Claus? No, I want to go with Santa Claus! Do you stay here in misery forever? I mean, we don I want to go with Santa Claus! Do you stay in the room?

I mean, we don't want to speak for Arthur, but... I want to follow Lord Cloudy! You're just here as you leave. I'm coming, I got my sword. Seven sparkling, icy clouds zoom up, up, up, up through the tube, spit out of the top of the tree house. You see far below a white tub slowly marching along

on the barren earth, whizzing back over towards the ring of trees, and you all shuttle right through the doorway, firing out of the adjacent door in another dimension, and you guys spiral up and up and up into the night sky. So high, in fact, that you find yourself seeing the slightest bit of the curve of the earth, the stars above you, and the painfully beautiful shimmer

of the aurora borealis hovering over the icy landscape below. It's not actually around this flat. It's all a big thing that Nassi does to try and trick you. I'll talk about it later. Okay, yeah, yeah, I've heard about this. And then the clouds are spiraling down, down, down, down into the woods outside of your home. Before you know it, all of you, almost all of you,

are standing on firm, snowy ground again, trudging through the trees, wearily, the glow of lights winkling comfortingly from the workshop before you. Come on, everyone. We can still make Christmas happen. You see the front door of the workshop again, and Mrs. Claus is there, waiting for you all,

looking a little ill, still perhaps, leaning on Bixby's shoulder, who's sporting a bandage around his own head. They recite the two of them, though not as bad as you. The sleigh is loaded up, and the eight reindeer are ready and waiting. The missus and Bixby have seen to that. Santa, with an unusually grim expression on his face,

limps over to the sack of holding, hoists it up with a wince, and then heaves it into the sleigh and turns back to you. Come here, you lovely elves, come here. He pulls you all into a big hug. Take off my killing gloves. And I throw them in the snow. Atta boy, Prigman.

Atta boy. Now, this was a hard night, but listen, listen to me. There is always light in the darkness, my dear friends. Thank you for holding onto it. And with no warning, he turns with a jerk and springs into his sleigh, gives a sharp whistle, and away they all fly, like the down of a thistle.

But you heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night. Happy holidays. Yay! Wow! Wow! Woo! So good. It's so dark in here!

Oh man, the legend of Chutney is going to overtake Knesht, Rupresht, Krampus, I think Pinhead. A new legend will grow. Chutney is going to overtake Knesht, Rupresht, Krampus, I think Pinhead. A new legend will grow. I saw the art, I was like, Chutney. Hoo hoo hoo hoo. Chutney Man.

And that's why we put Chutney next to every cheese plate. For every humble fog. Now, children, if you don't want Chutney visiting you, make sure you get at least one wooden toy. Otherwise, he'll come for your ass. Man, that really zigged when I thought it was going to zap. Oh man. That was good.

Oh my gosh, well, thank you to you guys for having fun with me tonight and making my two-year dream come true. Thanks, Critters, for tuning in. Thank you, Hero Forge, Iron Tusk Painting, and Emerald Knights. That's it. That was a fun game.

That was interesting. Thank you. Thanks, guys. Thanks, Julie. Yeah! Well done, Julie. Well done, Julie. Thanks, Julie. Yeah! Well done, Julie. Well done, Julie. Thanks, guys. First D&D game.

Thanks, guys. All right. We are gamed out from a lot of gaming this week, so we're going to peace out. Merry Christmas, happy holidays. Is it Thursday yet? Almost. Yeah!

I want Taco Bell! All right. thank you for listening to Critical Role on the Critical Role podcast network if you liked the episode please review us on iTunes Google Podcasts

or wherever you get your podcasts Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night