Critical Role - TOTAL PARTY KILL | Critical Role Chicago Live 2025 Part 2

Episode Date: May 20, 2025

Part 2 The cast of Critical Role transforms into one of their original campaign characters (voted on by our audience) for our Chicago Live Show! Watch Game Master Matthew Mercer transport our heroes into the deadly game show "Total Party Kill," hosted by the charismatic Malvolio Contreras (special guest Robbie Daymond). Critical Role's 10-Year Anniversary Chicago Live Show took place on April 10th, 2025 at the Wintrust Arena. BEACONWe’re excited to bring you even MORE with a Beacon membership! Start your 7-day free trial today at https://beacon.tv/join and get unparalleled access to the shows you love completely ad-free! You’ll receive NEW Beacon exclusive series, instant access to VODs & podcasts, live event pre-sales, merch discounts, & a private Discord. YOUTUBE MEMBERS / TWITCH SUBSCRIBERSTwitch Subscribers and YouTube Members gain instant access to VODs of our shows, moderated live chats, and custom emojis & badges:https://www.youtube.com/criticalrole/joinhttps://www.twitch.tv/criticalrole   Character Art by Frank Liu || @Massive_Mola || https://feiyangfrankliu.myportfolio.com/work"F*ck Your Favs" song by Robbie Daymond & Garrett Williamson, Vocals by Robbie Daymond & Matthew Mercer

Hey there, Critter podcast listeners! We have a special new membership service at Beacon.tv, where you get early access to all new podcast episodes, including Critical Role for the first time ever. Beacon members also get things like live event pre-sales, merch discounts, access to a private community Discord, and new exclusive series like Critical Role Cooldown. Think of it as our digital Critical Role land.

Head on over to beacon.tv to check it out for yourself and start a seven-day free trial. Thank you so much for your support, for being a podcast listener, and for being part of our community. Hey there, Critters. This is Ashley Johnson. And Tellison Jeffy. And we're popping in here to talk about our new podcast on Beacon, Weird Kids. In this series, we're diving into our lives as former child actors, from unraveling our eccentric upbringings to embracing all the delightfully odd interests we still have today. We're covering so many topics like antique toys, taxidermy, Japanese pop culture,

and honestly, anything else we come up with. Weird Kids is available exclusively on Beacon. But good news, we're offering a one-month free trial on Beacon.tv so you can take a look before you become a member. Just use the code WEIRDOES at Beacon.tv to start the trial. You can also find fellow weirdos by following the series on our at the weird kids pod Instagram and using the hashtag weird kids. So to all the misfits, outcasts and weirdos out there, come take a seat at our table and celebrate all things unconventional, nostalgic and wonderfully weird. Welcome to Weird Kids. New episodes release every Tuesday. And let's bring us back into the story for tonight. And let's bring us back into the story for tonight.

Okay. Somehow pulled and plucked from the chaos of your disparate lives, you have endured a series of strange contests against allies, friends, strangers alike, under the guise of one MC. After a burst of emotional, spiteful frustration and a number of rounds of humiliation and hurt,

you find yourself shunted to an oddly, darkly lit green room to briefly have a moment to think, while he probably handles an ad read somewhere. But before he arrives, you all look up at each other, hurt, exhausted, and with just a few moments alone to talk. Oh gosh. All right, guys, I really feel like we got to start working as a team. with just a few moments alone to talk. Oh gosh. All right, guys, I really feel like

we got to start working as a team. Look, when I went over there, shut up for a second, burn and listen. Okay, okay, okay. Okay, when I went up to him and I kind of, I touched him, I got a sense of his energy. Yeah? There's something dark inside,

like an incredibly dark manifest, and it's sitting in the center of his chest. I don't know, it's hard to describe. Wait, like actually his chest? Like we should aim there? Wait, who's really hurt? I don't know. Like a mole or something? He could, he should get it checked out regardless, but I'm just saying, I think that there's like, there's something not right.

Also, did anyone else get the sense that he's not exactly in charge here? Yes, I kind of felt that. Yeah, no, he seemed really sad, and like, he had somebody that was bossing him around, and he kind of didn't want to do it. And every time I make fun of him, like, it really seemed to really pierce through a bit.

What if he's on the line, and if like, he doesn't get approval, then somebody kills him or something? Whoa. Whoa. But it kind of feels like that's going to happen to us, too. Yeah. But wait, should we just keep insulting him? We could, but his ego seems very fragile.

All I know is it's felt terrible being on the opposite team as Caleb. I don't like it at all. And you, Grog, and you, Fearne. And the hot one. I feel really bad about that. This is exactly what losers say when they're losing. Grog! Oh, it is time for us to flip the script. I'm going to cast Mask Cure Wounds.

Yes! Oh. Whoa. Wait, wait! You can heal?! I've done it before, but okay. Who's really hurt? Anybody? I know our team is super-duper hurt,

but well, over here. Yeah? Yeah. You and Caleb, how are you? I'm okay for me. Oh, okay. But okay for me is probably weaker than a lot of people here. Grog, you're fine. You seem so big and strong. Yeah, okay. But okay for me is probably weaker than a lot of people here. Grog, you're fine.

You seem so big and strong. Yeah, I'm fucking fine. All right, then I'm going to cast Mask Your Wounds on the six of us minus Grog. Oh. Excellent. Okay. So that is, I'm casting that. That's a fifth level.

And that's a fifth level. And that's 4d8 plus five hit points. One, two, three. What? You hear some heavy footsteps begin to approach the exterior of the green room door as it creaks open and stepping into the chamber, the emcee himself, Malvolio Contreras.

Hello, everyone. Oh, hi. Hi. How's it going? Are you enjoying the amenities? Oh my god, so much. Yeah, I really like your donuts. Yes, it's all so great.

I'm so glad. I wish there was more alcohol in the green room. I also requested a bowl of green M&Ms, and I can't find them anywhere. I'll send a note. Well, let's be real. We're not doing this for copy credit meal, my guy. What is the end goal here? We were just talking about you and how sad and weak you seemed, and it made us feel so bad.

I was hoping you'd change clothes, too, because I just want to keep making fun of you. It's really hard not to. It's, I mean, there's got to be something wrong with you. This desire to perform in front of thousands of people. Only a truly broken person would do that intentionally and make fools of themselves in front of people like that. Someone very insecure would parade around

shaking their butts for strangers. It's true. I'm thinking about setting up a tour. You think your words can hurt me? Oh, no, no, no. We have many more games to play. Murty, show him what we've set up for you. Just look around.

As he snaps, you watch the green room melt away, and once more, your troop now sits in the center of this massive theater, thousands of faces watching on, some on your side, some still thirsty for blood, but there above it all, you see an impossibly complex, tall, I can almost say a sculpture of a physically challenging contest mountain. You see electrified cages hanging

from massive lengths of chain themselves, sparking with blue and green electrical energy. You see bubbling lava pits that are themselves sending forth blasts of molten rock. You see acid geysers spraying in the upper areas, dissolving nearby parts of the theater. You see spinning blade tracks that go from side to side, just releasing a terrifying display of contest.

You see spiked pendulums swinging around, themselves splattered with blood of all sorts of color and dichor. You see lightning arcs between poles. It is a deathly mountain with fire spouts, toxic sludge waterfalls, and a terrifying advancement of the few contests you've already engaged. Quick, Fern, gaze into another dimension.

What was the name of Matthew Mercer's best childhood friend? What? Oh. What was the name of Matthew Mercer's best childhood friend? What? Oh. Oh. Wrong! And I'll cast Fiery Encore. What? Whoa! Wait, wait, before we left the green room,

did I get my spell out? I'll say just in time you managed. Okay, in that case, everybody healed 19 points before we came back. I'm sorry, it's not bad time. All right, all right. I did it. Great. Thank you.

Roll four attacks. What? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 24, does that hit you, Fearne? Yes. Wait, hold on. Just give me like two seconds. A 27 hitne? Yes. Wait, hold on. Just give me like, just a second. A 27 hit you?

Yes. Okay. That hits. Third time. 27, does that hit you? Wait. Of course it does. Shield. 16, 17, 17. Does it make your AC?

It has to beat the very high number. Wait, what did you roll, 24? 24, 27, 27. Oh. 26. Sorry, I didn't hear that. That's okay. You got me. So you watch as Malvolio conjures fiery bolt after fiery bolt, tossing them towards your feet,

exploding, forcing you to dance once more, suddenly rushing backward. You take, from those blasts there... Fire damage, I would say. There. pushing backward, you take from those blasts there 27 points of fire damage as you are now dancing from the flame. As long as you're in my realm, you're at my behest. You dance for me or you do nothing. I'm tired of these games. I'm not here to see you fail.

I'm here to see you die. Is this your realm, though? Really, is this your realm? Because boy, you seem like a bloody day player to me. Does my firepower feel weak to you? I feel like your power is not yours at all. I think you're an empty suit. Oh, wow.

That one hurt a little bit. All right, I need you to make a wisdom saving throw, Malvoline. Wisdom saving? A natural one. Ha ha ha! If you decide to engage until Malvolio's next turn, he takes full damage. What do you do? I go over and I try to give him a hug and comfort him.

And while she's holding on, I'm going to pull my pillow. I'm going to cast Inflict Wounds. Yeah. There we are. There we are. Yeah. There we are. Yarr. Okay. Here we go. I would like all of you to roll initiative.

Blood. Ah! Okay. Including you. Thanks. Not that. Oh! In my realm, big mistake.

Oh. Ooh. Let's go up that die. All right. Okay. 25 to 20. All right. Okay. 25 to 20. Hang on. 23. Oh.

25. Wait, I'm still figuring out. Okay, also 25. Woo! Rollies! Rollies, let's go. I love a good game! Rollies, one, two, three, go. Rollies. Look me in the eye, look me in the eye.

14. Three. three, go. Look me in the eye, look me in the eye. 14. Three. Yes, Beau. So we've Beau, Jester, Beau, Melm, Emcee, Jester. Anybody else in the 20s? 20 to 15. 19. Grog.

We got a Grog. 15 to 10. 17, sorry. Okay, there we go. There we are. Wait, 17, what did you roll, Grog? Kingsley after Grog. Anyone else? 17 to 15?

15 to 10. 11! All right, we have Veth at 11. 10 to 5. 8, it is an eight for me. All right. The mighty 8! And that's a five for me. Fearne, you are nothing if dependable

in your initiative roll. You know it. I can always bring up the rear. So because Beauregard beat Malvolio in initiative, for your round, what do you want to do? Wait, did I get Inflict Wounds? Did you get Inflict Wounds off? As you move into him, this is the initial.

Okay, okay, okay, okay. The moment that there was a moment of aggression and intent, that's when initiative order started. So your action next is going to do that. Beauregard, what are you doing? I'm going to run forward, and as I see Jester going up and taking the hug and kind of knowing, working together for as long as we have now,

knowing what she's doing, I'm going to run. I'm going to slide on my knees, take my belaborer staff, I'm going to do two cracks, aiming for the lower half of his body. Crack, crack? Crack, crack. That's what we say when we're in Chicago, baby. All right, let's go ahead and roll some attacks, Beauregard. Okay. First one, natural 20. Whoa! That's amazing!

That'll hit. Okay, first one, let's start with that one, just in caseies. Weak roll, six plus seven. So, okay, 13 damage on that first one. 13 damage on that first hit. That was with the double for the crit on the dice? Correct.

Okay. Stunning strike. Let me try another one. All right. Well, go ahead and make a constitution saving throw, Malvolio. Con save? Con save.

Ooh, not great. Eight. Eight, that's a fail. Malvolio is stunned. So you think. But as my reaction, I'm going to use- Not even as a reaction. Oh, not even as a reaction.

I can use it once per round. Yeah. Thank you, Murty. You're so useful. I swear I'm here to help with boss. I'm going to cast Manifest Contestant. What? When I'm targeted with an attack, a weapon, or a spell, I can summon another player to appear before me and take it. What?

As Jester is currently wrapped around Malvolio. Jester, you take 13 points of damage and you need to make a constitution saving throw. Oh no! Oh, that's messed up. Jester, I'm so sorry. Okay, 15. I don't think that saves.

Let me do it. Oh wait, a saving throw. Yes. Saving throw? 15. Wait, still the same? Yeah. I don't think that that saves. Can't you drop stun if you want to, though? No.

Jester, as you are clambering around the MC, a heavy whack hits you in the side of your right hand kidney and your body seizes up. You are stunned by Beauregard. I don't think so. I don't think so. That used Malvolio's reaction. You have the rest of your second attack and future attacks, Beauregard.

That is true. I'm just trying to make sure here. Yeah, no, it's DC 17. Just do some dope monk shit. I am going to continue to do some dope monk shit. I'm going to do my second attack. Let's go. Ooh, that is icky.

12. 12 is going to miss. Okay. Bonus action, a pop pop, Flurry of Blows. Flurry of Bows, let's go. Oh my god. Really bad. Really bad. 16 is the highest out of that one. Those both miss. No, both miss. Okay. Finishing Beauregard's turn,

you're up, Malvolio. Oh, you'd like to take pokes at me? Well, that's fine. Why don't you take a poke at some impossible trivia? Oh my gosh. Yeah. I will use impossible trivia. I ask you an impossible trivia question while I gloat. What's the question?

The question is... You have to ask the trivia for it to work. Okay. Wait, did you not come up with any of these? The person in the first row closest to the aisle, guess their name! Wait, I can tell you! They told us! No, they told us earlier. Wait, did I tag in earlier?

They did. No, this is against you, Beauregard. What's their name? They told us their name! I know both of their names! What's their name? Shh, shh. They told us earlier because they asked a question. And we love the fans so much that we remembered.

Beauregard, what's the name? It was something like... It was cool. It was something, it was like Ashlyn or something like that. This is an actor and convention-goer's worst nightmare! Ashlyn. Can I tag in? Is Ashlyn your name?

No! What is your name? River. Not in the wrong! River. River is a really cool name. River and Xavier. Ember and Ash are close, to be fair. Beauregard, make an intelligence saving throw. Be mine, be mine.

That's a natural 19 plus nine for 28. Okay, so you succeed, so you only take half damage. Okay. Which would have been, with this roll, would have been 48 points of psychic damage. You take 24 points of psychic damage. As the sheer volume of embarrassment and public fear of forgetting one of the fans

in the front row's name sinks into your spirit, but you shrug it off as best as a person can. I don't believe any of this is real. I think they're all holograms. This is the AI universe that everybody wants! You could have just lied and said your name was Ashlyn. I'm just putting that out there. Way to help out, Ashlyn.

Yeah! Audience, are you having a nice time? Good, good, good. Who out there plays a bard? Does anyone love a bard? Me too. I'd like to use my bonus action and cast Bardic Demoralization on the big one. Hurrah. How do you demoralize it? So big and strong. Yeah? But you know what I always say?

Lean is law. Your muscles don't quite look as big as they used to. What? I feel like you're failing with age. Not working to failure on every set, are you? Not having hypertrophy? Where are you at 6 a.m. when I'm at the gym, baby? It's true.

I don't go to my last accident. I don't max out my sensor. It's true. You're going to take a D12 and you must subtract it from your next D20 roll. Oh. Damn. A 10. you must subtract it from your next d20 roll. Oh. Damn! A 10.

That's minus 10 from your next d20 roll. That sucks. That'll end my turn. Well, because you get to choose that, you have one more little bit. Oh yeah, I always forgot about this one. My favorite. Get him, Murty!

All right, boss, who am I going after? Ooh, let's go for the this one. My favorite. Get him, Murty! All right, boss. Who am I going after? Ooh. Let's go for the little one. Come here. You watch as Murty, suddenly his eyes flash with burning red energy and massive blade-like claws extend from his fingers. And like a weird wolf on the prowl,

goes rushing towards you, Veth, and is going to go and attempt to strike you. Come on. Ooh, that's a natural two for a 12, I think that is. Ooh! I see you coming, and I do a little barrel roll, and I flick you on the gooch as I go by. Cool! I slink back, buzz in the gooch.

Now that's comedy. And then I believe this is your turn. Mm-hmm. All right, Jester. I'm stunned. You're stunned, unfortunately. But wait, I have to be honest, because when I cast Mass Cure Wounds,

I cast it at 6th-level, because I rolled 4d8 instead of 3d8. So that's a 6-level spell spot. Okay, so how much more does that do? Oh, it was only 19. I just rolled like shit, but then it's 4d8. Got you, fair enough. All right. Well, here's the thing.

You were already touching Malvolio when you were stunned. Yeah. Do you still want to cast the spell? Yes, I do. Can I do it? I will say, because the Traveler is here, you won't be able to move or do anything else in your turn.

Go ahead and make one more wisdom saving throw. Let's go. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Let's go, cleric. Wisdom saving throw?

20. Okay, so the DC on this is an 18 for your presence there. That is, so while you are still stunned for your turn, the spell was already happening, and when you locked into place, you were still touching MC. As Malvolio, suddenly, you feel this burst of necrotic energy strike through your torso as Jester is still around you like a human shield.

After taking the hit, you see a faint grin on her blue tiefling face as you take. That's a 7th-level spell, because I already used my 6. So that's 90, 10 damage. Right. So go ahead and roll to attack. Roll to attack, roll to attack, roll to attack! After roll to attack, as you're moving in. Come on, come on. Go, go, go, go, go!

23. That hits. Come on, behind. Go, go, go, go, go. 23. Okay. One, two, three. Thank you. Oh, okay. Eight plus five is? 13. 22. Three.

Okay. 23. 33. 37. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. 23. Three, okay. 23. 33.

37. 40. 43 points of necrotic damage. A heavy magical blow to you, Malvolia. But you are still stunned and cannot move for the rest of the turn, so you are still there, more or less partially projecting and giving half cover

to you from other strikes. Finishing Jester's turn, you are no longer stunned now. Grog, you're up. Yeah. I would like to raise! And I would like to make... I love you, Chicago! I'll make the first of my two bloodaxe attacks Reckless Great Weapon Master!

Oh, that first attack is a minus 15. What?! Oh, right. Damn. Uh, shit. That misses with a negative number thingy. The first swing as you billow up your muscular rage and anger, you charge forward

and the axe gets stuck into one of the wood beams of the green room, like exterior, and the opening of the stage. I must be a little bit rusty. Next one is, yep, 15 is 15 to hit. That misses. Damn it! Wait, is he supposed to subtract 15 from that one too?

No, just from the first one. Oh, just from the first one? That's a 30 to hit. Go ahead and roll damage. That definitely hits. I like rolling damage, Asgore. It's fun. That is 26 points of slashing damage.

All right. Yeah. Okay, 26 points of damage. It doesn't do as much damage as you think. In fact, the necrotic hit that you hit with earlier, it seemed like as Mavolio gained his confidence on his turn, the impacts are somehow slightly diminished, like he is protected by some infernal force from within.

It's almost like he's protected from some infernal force from within. It's almost like he's protected from some infernal force from within. Does that finish your turn, Grog? Yeah, it does, but I go. All right, finishing Grog's go. Kingsley, you're up with Veth on deck. Now it's time to show you some bloody flair. Kingsley slowly removes his long rapier,

takes his bifurcated tongue, and cuts it along the blade, letting the blood soak all the way across the blade, and then it slowly starts to glow with radiant damage. I take 1d8 necrotic, which is only 2. And now, having that up and running, I make a nice little spin having that up and running, I make a nice little spin, walk up. It's going to come from the right, it comes from the left,

and I'm just going to try and cut right above the cheek into that pretty, pretty face. And I'm going to make an attack with advantage, because I'm also activating my sword, which will give me advantage, because I'm also activating my sword, which will give me advantage, whereas my sword does all sorts of fun shit. That is easier to say. So the attack is... I rolled a 17 plus, God only knows, hold on. 17 plus 12, so 30 to hit. That'll hit. So, that is, because of everything, that's 1d10 Force, 1d10 Piercing, 2d6 for Sneak Attack, and 1d8 Radiant for Fun.

I have a feeling this Radiant is going too well. Oh my, wait! I can reroll one of these, which is my right, so I'm just going to go for it. That's a little better. That's a 5, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 23 plus 9, which is 32. 32. 32 points with some radiant damage in there. 32 points of damage coming towards you, Malvolio. Ugh! This is starting to get annoying.

So I'm going to take another attack really quickly while I'm there. Now this attack, also, you're noticing you strike true and it goes in, but there is a density and a magical protection to Malvolio. So while you do manage to inflict hurt and pain, see the reaction in his face from the impact,

it's still not as strong as you would hope. Magical protection. It's like his ego is protecting him. Oh, you're so boring. And I'm going to flip around with my other attack and attack you. Attack me? Yeah. Go for it. Roll an attack.

You get your hands off of him! Too late. That's not great. That's a... I can swear I count. 21 to hit? 21 hits. Oh, well, there we are. I don't get that, but I still get my radiant, and I get my other d8. It's radiant and force, I believe I still get, so that's, and an extra d8 as well. There we are. Hey! That's 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 13, 22 points of damage.

22 points of damage. A heavy strike. Carves through Murdy. Boss, boss, they're supposed to be coming for you. I know, I know. Murty, I know we've only known each other for a few months, but I love you like a goddamn brother. Legendary action!

What? Make out? Get him, Murty! Yeah, boss. As Murty dives towards you. Let's bloody dance. The natural one. Yes, more of those. I literally ole you past.

I tried, boss. Keeps it at the ready. That's going to finish your turn? Oh, yeah. All righty, with that, Veth, you're up with Caleb on deck. I like how Murty is turning into Krusty the Clown a little bit. I am just trying to make it work.

It's okay, don't worry about it. I feel like we have to damage his ego or distract him somehow, so I'm going to spend my turn shouting out to the MC, sure, you've got cockiness and bravado, but shouldn't you be concerned with that piece of toilet paper stuck to your shoe? And I'm going to cast Phantasmal Force.

That's an intelligence saving throw? It is. Roll an intelligence saving throw for me. That's a six. Six. So you have a piece of toilet paper stuck to your shoe, and it's got a little bit of poo on it. Oh!

You look down and see it. And you just can't get it off! It is messy, it is embarrassing. Make a wisdom saving throw. I hate it. That's another six. No, no, no, I'm sorry. That's an eight. That's an eight, it's an eight.

Dejection in Malvolio's face. His attention is now half divided amongst the non-existent toilet paper piece, and the tracks it's leaving in his imagination, it seems, yeah. Is there any damage for that? I mean, it's 1d6 psychic damage. Hey, it all adds up, buddy.

One. You take one damage. But for the last four pieces of damage I've taken, you should all know that this is the first time you've seen even one piece hurt me for one point. Because it was half that damage on the one before and half on the other, because I have unflappable confidence. And for the first time ever, I'm flapped. and half on the other, because I have unflappable confidence. And for the first time ever, I'm flapped. I like it, I like it.

He can be flapped, it's true. That's my turn. All right, that finishes Vetsko. Caleb, you're up with Fernandek. Yeah, okay, so I see that our host is locked into place, which I like. I also like that my best friend has cracked into his psyche. I ignite the Stormrider boots

and start Iron Man flying towards him. I pull out a wad of gold dust from my hand and antique his golden coat and cast the Dunamantic spell, Immovable Object at 6th level. Oh! Oh! Oh!

Monster. That's the most beautiful man I've ever seen. Malvolio, in a reaction, in a moment of reactive time, watching him fly through, you would almost stumble back in awe, but you can't stumble or move because your jacket is currently frozen in place.

Wow. You could try and move, but it is a contested role against his spell capability. It's my DC, and since it's at sixth level, it's my DC plus 10. Ooh! Got to beat a 28, my friend. Where did that come from?

Wait, where did that come from? What's sexy with wizards? You know. Is that come from? Wait, where did that come from? What's sexy with wizards? You know. Is that wizard shit? Is this even doable, Marty? Yeah. Boss, it was a really clever idea. You going to let it slide? Jack it on or jack it off? We'll find out. When we get to your turn, we'll see what you want to do.

All right, Caleb, does that finish your go? All I'll say is that it's 90 feet of movement with those boots, so I will rocket in and then rocket the fuck away while he is unable to do anything. Okay, you rocket off beyond the stage for a bit, and you're at the edge where the audience is keeping yourself at bay from the center of this chaos. You got it.

All right, finishing Caleb's go. Fearne, you're up with Beau on deck. Impressive. All right. So I... Malvolio is stuck in place? Currently, it's extremely dejected. So. Double stuck. I would like to, since there's a little bit of darkness in there, I think I'd like to cast Moonbeam, and I'm going to do that at... let's just go ahead and do it at 6th level.

Woo! Sure. And also, this says... I don't know if this will apply, but maybe it will. A shapechanger makes its saving throw with disadvantage. Interesting. Interesting. Ooh. Uh-oh. How interesting. Okay.

What was the save? Is it wisdom? It is constitution of 20. Oh. I failed on the first roll. A second time. Oh! I failed on the first roll. You have to roll a second time. You roll again.

Eden! Okay, okay. So you do fail the moonbeam. Go ahead and roll damage, Fearne. Okay. Fearne Calloway on the end. Do the good, do the good, do the good. All right, these are my tens. Okay, okay. Dance break! Do it good, do it good, do it good. All right, these are my 10s.

Okay. Calloway on that ass. Ooh! All right, so we got 60 10s. Burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn. Oh, this isn't very good, y'all. All right, so we got 11 plus 7, 18. We got, oh, that's another 10.

20, 21. 28. No, 28, so sorry. 27. Okay, that's four. Let me do two of these. Ah. All right, plus another six. Okay. And a four. Got it.

These dice are normal size. Are you okay? Yes. I'm okay. It's because the crew provided her with them. Uh-huh. Correct. I didn't break any of my teeth.

A massive flash of pure lunar magical energy columns up from beneath Malvolio and blasts him, enveloping him in beautiful, burning, pure white moonlight. It burns the outside of your skin, and in this moment, take full damage from the spell. As it begins to burn, you see curling ash marks at the edge of his cheeks. That's a pretty nasty hit.

Anything else you want to do in your turn, Fearne? Sure. I'm going to... Mister's been hanging out. You better throw that, Fearne. Mister threw some shit at it. Don't you dare. Anything but this.

Mister has advantage on this roll, because he is locked in a coat. Wait, say again? He's locked in a coat, so Mister has advantage on the attack roll. Great. You can't dodge a flaming turd. Not that well, at least.

It's a full metal jacket. It's funny, because it's first. Oh, boo. I'm here for it, though. Sorry, just trying to find Mr. here. There we go. All right, we got, oh, wow, I rolled a natural 19 for him. Oh, my God.

Plus 11. That'll hit. Go ahead and roll flaming poo damage. Oh, let's add some poo-poo damage. One more d20 just to see. Just to see one more d20. One more d20? Yes. You had advantage. One more d20? Yes.

You had advantage. No. It's worth trying. All right, that's a four. We got four plus six, we got a 10. We got 10 fire damage. 10 points of damage straight through Flaming Poo to the neck and left shoulder area, Malvolia.

And? You need some toilet paper to wipe that off? And Fearne? You're good, okay. We're children. That's the end of my turn. All right. Murty. Murty, how am I looking, baby?

I mean, honestly, right now, a little rough, boss. At least on a visual standpoint. Like, you look gorgeous. Your whole ensemble's a little wrecked. Say it again. Say I look gorgeous. You look gorgeous. One more time.

You look gorgeous. Yeah, baby! And I'm going to use my legendary action. Another round. In which I can use one of my standard attacks at any time. And this one's for you, Fernie. Covered in shit? Thanks a lot.

Hey, audience, did you like it when she covered me in shit? Good, because the louder you applauded, the more damage it did to her! So as the audience begins to spill and grow and volume from earlier, as their cheers begin to echo and reverberate, it fills the chamber and all of you find yourselves grabbing your ears. I need everyone to make constitution saving throw.

All of us? All of us? All of you. Is this a spell or a legendary action? This is a legendary action. It's not a spell, is it a magical effect? I would consider it a magical effect. Okay, so I have advantage on this save, that's nice. It's not good.

Oh no. Saving throw constitution. Oh no. Yikes! Is this a spell or a magical effect? He just said that! Did he? I didn't hear. Is this a spell or a magical effect? He just said that. Did he? I didn't hear. Is it? It is, yeah. It is? Okay.

Is this a spell or a magical effect? Sorry, there's a lot going on. A legendary action. All right, Beauregard. It's not good, 13. 23 points of thunder damage. Kingsley. 18. That just succeeds, so you take 11 points of thunder damage. Kingsley. 18. That just exceeds, so you take 11 points of thunder damage.

Veth. 11! 11, you take 23 points of thunder damage. Jester. Can't you roll or something? Can't you avoid it? Do I get like evasion or some shit? This is not a dexterity saving throw, unfortunately.

I rolled a 12. 23 points of thunder damage. Grog. 25. 11 points of thunder damage. Grog? 25. 11 points of thunder damage. Caleb? 12, failed. Yeah, 23 points of thunder damage. And Fearne?

Six. 23 points of thunder damage. As the roar of the audience washes over you and shatters not just your sense of self-inconfidence, but you feel your bones vibrate with a horrible aching pain. As it passes, you find your body self-wracked with soreness immediately thereafter.

That finishes Fearne's go, and your last two legendary actions for now. Beauregard, you're up. You guys know those guys who do the moving statue thing on the street? That's you, right now. I'm bad at insults. Okay, I'm going to look around.

Sick burn. Thank you. Okay, I'm going to go off script a little bit here. Question. This is being broadcast to a larger audience, right? There's an audience present. There's an audience present. Do you want to see if there's anything beyond that? But it is being recorded for future broadcast.

Do we see something that would resemble a fantasy version of a camera? Make a perception check. Thank you. What's a camera? Describe. Arcane Optic Device. Okay, 15.

15, you can see across the audience on the far end of the theater, there are a small number of arcane devices, tube-like with strange crystals affixed to the end of it that seem to be trained on the movements of you and your compatriots since you arrived. How far away is it? It's about 100 feet, maybe a little under.

Clever girl. Yes, make it canon, Matt. Make it canon! It's got a red light on it! It might be an actual canon. You're right, I see it, I see it. Okay, I am going to head towards the crystals with the red lights that keep shifting. All right, what's your movement?

My movement is 50, so I'm going to step in the wind to get there. Send it to right at 100 feet. 100 feet, that'll get you there. Beauregard, you dart through the center of the audience and charge through the theater, right up against one of these crystal devices. So I run up and I do a little don't munch it and jump on everyone's heads.

As I go over, sorry, sorry, sorry. And I go over and I take two strikes at the recording crystals. Go for it. Make two attacks. All right. Yep, those are very good. Go for it. Make two attacks. All right. Yep, those are very good. The first one is a natural 19, bringing it to 31, and then the second one is going to be 24. Now both of those hit. Go ahead and roll damage. Okay.

The first one at the first camera is going to be 13 damage. Okay. The second one is going to be 13 damage. Okay. The second one is going to be 14 damage. Okay. How did the first crystal look after the first one? A heavy impact and it cracks,

but it's still holding strong. And the person behind it who's holding it, their robed figure looks up, like small horns inside of the head, like, What are you doing, miss? Go away. Okay, and they run away. I'm going to use that second one to break the switch.

It's time for his union break! With a second impact, Beauregard, you shatter this device, and with that, one connection to the viewership of this event of which you're a part of is scattered and destroyed, which effectively, an element of Malvolio's defenses has been slightly reduced.

Ooh, good job! Yes! Okay. Everybody wave and get a round of applause to our camera ops. Yay! Shout out our camera ops! Thank you! But unfortunately, I still have two more attacks

because I'm going to do Flurry of Blows to the other one. Oh shit. Well, you have to roll your... Whoa! Whoa! Go get there. Perfect. Roll your dice. Roll your dice. What you got?

Natural 19. That's cocked. That's cocked. And a seven, not as good. Attack it again, attack it again! A seven plus 12 is? 19. 19.

19, I'll say 20 is the target for these devices. So that unfortunately misses. One of them does hit, roll damage. Okay. That's good. That's going to be 14 to the first one. 14 points of damage. A heavy impact, crack!

And it gets sent partially out of its mooring. It's still holding on, and you can see a faint arcane glow sparking from within the crystal. So it's still functioning, but just barely. Sorry, sorry, sorry, crew. That finishes my turn. That brings us back to Malvolio. As you dust yourself off, the confidence reinstilled,

you watch. Confidence reinstilled, you watch. He feels a little more in control in this moment. Oh, you think you're so smart, damaging me by damaging the anachronistic fantasy devices you see around you. Well, it appears as if you've forgotten that this is my domain, and my've forgotten that this is my domain.

And my passive ability is this is my domain. And as you see around you the modern stage, the proscenium, the lights, and chromatic orbs before you, the space changes to stone and dirt and dust and misuse. And before you is an ancient coliseum, still filled with the souls of Exandria watching in awe. But the orbs are gone, and you stand alone in the high arcing area that no longer has a camera.

My turn. Bonus action. Still frozen in place, though? My turn. Yes. If you'd like to, you could use part of your attack action to try and escape the coat with an acrobatics check. To beat a 28.

Well, that's to keep the coat. Hang on, are you starting, you're starting your turn in the moonbeam? Correct. All right, so you could take more damage. That's true. Fucking let him know! F-shirts, moonbeam, it's not a word.

All right, so a little bit of free rides around here. It must make a constitution saving throw. Go ahead and roll. Make a constitution saving throw. Go ahead and roll. Make a constitution saving throw. You have to beat a 20. Ooh, that'll be a 27. It's half damage, though. So, okay, 2d10 radiant damage.

Go ahead and roll it. Okay. Where's my tits? Where's my tits? That's what I heard. I mean, that's what I heard. Hopefully right where you left. Okay, that's 14.

Seven points of radiant. Okay, seven points of radiant damage to you. Not a heavy impact. You're still locked in your coat. You can try and force against the magical lock that holds on it, or you can try and squeeze out of your coat, like dislocate your shoulders a little bit and get out. Probably an easier roll for acrobatics,

but it's up to you. Merti! How? Merti, can you get this thing off of me? Please! Yeah, easy enough to... No, boss, it's kind of up to you. Murty! How? Murty, can you get this thing off of me? Please! Boss, yeah, easy enough to, nah, boss, it's kind of hard to move. Wait a minute. Are you trying to squeeze out of it, or are you trying to?

I'm trying to squeeze out of it with Murty's help. All right, Murty will help you with your advantage. All right. This'll be the get a Murty action on your turn. Yeah, I'll take it. All right, so go ahead and roll an acrobatics check with advantage. That is a plus 11.

Let's go. Pretty good. It's a 26, which does not beat his thing. One more time. Oh! You stinky wizard! That's not going to do it. Oh no.

You are still locked in your coat, but you still get at least one of your abilities. You wasted Murdys to help you on that. Hold on a minute. You have disadvantage on your constitution saving throw. I know you rolled a 27, so... Disadvantage on the saving throw? You have a disadvantage on the saving throw.

If you are a shape changer. That's right. Yes, roll one more time. All right. Murdy, you've been doing this for so long. How do you keep track of all this shit? Fuck! That's a natural one. Okay, okay.

That's 14. All right, well, hang on a minute. Oh, boy. So this says, a shape-changer makes a saving throw with disadvantage. If it fails, it also instantly reverts to its original form. Oh! And can't assume a different form until it leaves the spell's light.

Please! Please! I've done everything you've asked of me! I've brought them here! They're alive! I'm trying to make them dead! What the fuck do you want from me, man? A dark voice rings out from the ether around the entirety of the theater. I gave you these gifts. Use them as we see fit, or I will take them away. Do we hear this voice?

As the moonbeam, as you hear it faintly through the chamber, I will take them away. Do we hear this voice? As the moon, as you hear it faintly through the chamber, as the moonbeam takes hold, what glamors fade from your change? What do they see, if anything, changes about you, Malvolia? Yeah. I paid 2,000 pieces of gold for these, and now this audience is going to get feet for free?

No! No. Anything but that. Wait. That's your whole hang, Dogtown? You literally just had... It's going up? Wait. You should change to have boots? Did you say you have a dark toe?

No, but that's fine. You just have bare, stinky feet now? What? You have bare, stinky old feet now? Yes, I got stinky old feet. A lot of hair on that. Just one of them. My feelings are really hurt right now

and I did it to myself. Which does, on your turn, demoralize you enough where I need you to make another wisdom saving throw. Yes. This is tough. All right, that is going to be plus eight. Ooh, okay, 22? 22, you hold on it.

So you feet exposed the world around, you still hold your shit together. All right, I did it, I'm good. You better give me a little boost here, you son of a bitch. Who are you talking to? Don't worry about it, take a turn! Insight check. Make an insight check.

What are you trying to learn? Did we recognize the voice when we heard it? Yes, I wanted to see if we recognize the voice or if I can figure out who he's talking to. Sure, make an insight check. All right. Dad! Okay.

Ooh. 23. Ooh. 23? Best you can tell, you do not recognize this voice, but there definitely seems to be a very direct connection between Malvolio's actions towards this voice and his current disposition. That's the best you can make out for this. Malvolio, is there anything else on your turn you can do?

What? Are you good with your turn? I think I'm good for now. You'll have a bonus action. Ooh, I do. Thank you. Thank you, Moody. You've always been a good friend. That's what I'm here for, boss. Here to protect you.

How to keep you nice and sane, safeda. You've always been a good friend. That's what I'm here for, boss. Here to protect you. How to keep you nice and sane, safe, and hurting things. All right. Bardic demoralization. Against you, the most charming one. Who, me? Jester. Your next d20 gets a negative d12 roll.

Oh man. Sorry. And that finishes Malvolio's turn. Jester, you're up with Grog on deck. Oh, that changes what I was going to do! Hold on. There's options. Just do it. Not with the... Oh man.

Jester. Not with the bugle. Aw, Mom. Jester. Jester. Jester. Jester. Jester. Jester. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Is he still stuck in his coat?

He's still stuck in his coat. Okay. With Murty trying to pull him out of it, like, boss, don't worry, don't worry. This is, we got this. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Don't look over here. Okay, okay.

We're just a little undressing between boys. Okay. Just a little undressing between boys. Okay. Just a little undressing. Okay. I'm going to, for, oh, God. Okay. For my action, I'm going to cantrip. No, I don't want to do that.

Listen, listen, shut up, okay? Okay, what I'm going to do, I'm going to conjure a spiritual weapon. And instead of my normal beautiful lollipop. It's going to be just a giant, golden, traveler-shaped dick. Like the biggest one. Really floppy. And I'm going to try to smack him upside the head. Is it really floppy? Yeah, it's a floppy dildo-y sort of like a robbery. What level are you casting it at? Well, here's the thing. I was going to cast it at

level eight, so it's really big. Listen, listen, listen. Eight's not as big as you think. Oh, listen. Eight's not as big as you think. Oh, man.

I only cast up to three. It's a whole new world out there, man. Look at you. I don't think it's going to hit him, though. It was a little hit. Where'd you roll? I haven't rolled yet. Well, roll an attack roll with it, as the giant floppy traveler digs. Guidance.

I love how it had a license. An action to cast Guidance on your turn. Aw, okay. It was good looking out. Okay, I was just trying to give her a little. Of course. Oh! Oh, is that really good?

No, that's really bad. Minus d12. Yep. Minus the d12 or minus 10? Minus d12. It doesn't matter. I won't answer regardless. Let's see what it is.

Okay. No! No! That's rough. That's a seven. Not bad. The floppy swing. It's really big, though.

It's really big, but like a massive kaiju, it's slow in its arc. And it. It just misses by about three feet, and then ricochets back. You've never flung something so large and turgid. What is this game? Too flaccid to find its target.

Okay, listen. I was just trying to make it look like you. I absolutely have to roll for that. I mean, you're still demoralized, but sure, let's go for double demoralization. Double demoralization. That's actually, with an 18, that's still pretty good. So yeah, so the next attack

is not getting advantage against you, but that still kind of sucked, that hurt. For my action, I'm going to cantrip Sacred Flame, which is a dexterity saving throw. Which you automatically fail because you cannot move. Oh. So I automatically do 3d8 of damage. Okay, okay, okay. So at least that's something.

Yep, Grog, you're up next. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Oh. Okay, okay, okay. So at least that's something. Yep, Grog, you're up next. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Ooh. Whoa, 20! You'd be ganged up on by seven people. 22 points of radiant damage. Seven or 17?

17. 22. Oh, 22? Boom, there we go. 22. And you still have a really big dick just flopping right next to you. Just a floppy? I've had this dream before. Floppy tube, Ben. All right, that finishes your go?

Yes. Grog, you're up. At the introduction of this big floppy space whale that just fucking evaporated in front of everything, I'm going to go into a frenzied rage! I'm going to make three attacks. Reckless Great Weapon Master. One against the space dick,

and two against the... Natural 20! One against a space dick and two against a natural 20. What? Wait, wait. Don't roll again. Don't roll again. Is this an advantage because our enemy is locked in place? Locked in place. In this instance, no. It just has a... The first attack's against the dick. It's reckless. Is this against the dick or is this against Malvolio?

The first one was the dick. Oh, come on. The next two are against Malvolio. Okay. Why are you attacking the penis? Listen, why would you not attack the penis? 29 to hit for you. 29 does hit.

Oh, minus five, so it's actually 24 to hit. 24 hits. Still hits. And 17 plus 10, 27 minus five is? 22. 22. Both hit. Beautiful.

First, Space Whale, meet your vengeance. Five plus five plus 10 plus, oh, plus the bloodaxe does 1d6 necrotic damage. Plus six, that's 17, 18, 21 points of damage on the floppy penis. Your axe swings wide through the ethereal phallus to no impact. It is beyond your ability to harm Grog.

This might be the most dangerous thing you've ever fought. Yes. Yes. Focus, Grog. Leave the space whale for another day. What is this? for another day. And right before you tell me what damage you take, in my frozen form, I turn to Kingsley and say, oh, hello, pretty. Oh no.

Ready to die again. And I cast, as my reaction, Manifest Contestants, and you immediately teleport from where you are to directly in front of me to absorb Grog's blow. Count a spell. It's not a spell. Oh! It's a magical effect, but it's not a spell.

Good looking out. 14 points of damage. Things that you take a heavy hit from Grog as you're suddenly taking the entire bloodaxe blow to the chest. And the very last one, 12 plus five is 17 plus three, 20, 20 points of slashing damage for the very last frenzied rage attack.

So one does hit true and mark into Malvolio, taking a heavy chunk of the wound left. Yeah, from me to you and a space penis gets it later. Does that finish your turn, Grog? All right, that finishes Grog's turn. Do you want to do that? Yes, what was that sound my mouth just made? That was a mouth stress fart.

Yes, that's my legendary action. I feel like doing a little encore. And I'm going to cast two fiery bolts at you, Grog, because I'm spiteful. Let's go. First one. Fuck. 14. 14 does not hit, I assume. Could I also use Mage Slayer?

Yes. Yeah, you can. To roll. But this is after the attack, so the attacks will happen, and then you get the reaction. Perfect. Which it misses get the reaction. Perfect. Which it misses. 14 misses.

Yeah. The next one, roll one more time. I'll get one more, yeah, that's right. Guys. Same, 14. Oh, never mind, I won't use Mage Slayer, bitch! Okay! You can't retcon me in my own game! I think that finishes Grog's turn. Kingsley, you're up with Veth on deck.

As I am now bleeding with my back to you, I'm going to thank you, Grog, for that, by the way. That's why the coat's red. You don't have to see it. I'm going to lean back, make a nice flare, and go, I think that's mine now, darling. And I'm going to use my first attack, also while activating my blade, to try and pierce the hat right off the MC's head. Not the hat. All right, this... I'm on double speed and advantage because I activated the sword.

Yeah, all right. So yeah, take the attack roll with advantage. This is going to be... You're not doing it for damage. No damage. This will be a contested acrobatics roll from you to you. You will have advantage in this roll because you cannot move as well in the sea. You're just trying to move your head out of the way. So this is an acrobatics roll?

Correct. All right. You have advantage on it, you do not. Go ahead and roll and add your acrobatics roll? Correct. All right. You have an advantage on it, you do not. So go ahead and roll and add your acrobatics. He's really hurting now. Merty, I can't bear to look at it. Would you please tell me? Bro, you are rolling so bad. I feel like the top of the show was great, the musical number turned out pretty good, and they were on my side, but then they figured it out

and started to be mean to me. What's insane, man? I'm sorry to tell you, boss, that's a natural one. Oh! Oh my god. Bro, I'm so sorry. Oh, this is what I get for spending $300,000 on drama school! Yep.

And what'd you roll? I rolled a 26. With a rapid flick of Kingsley's wrist, the rapier pierces and plucks the hat off your head. A little Bob Flossie, Bob Flossie, Flossie. There we go, right in. Bob Flossie. I put the hat on myself where it clearly looks better.

I take a bow, spin around, and take a slash against his face. For my second attack. All right, we finished the first attack. Please, I beg of you. I worked so hard on the set and everyone, we put this together. Just don't say that they're small. Fucking knew it! I fucking knew it!

Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness. Those are baby horns. No, they're not. They're growing. I promise. Mine's bigger than yours! I am a grower, not a shower! Listen, mine got bigger as I got older. Maybe yours will do the same thing. Oh no. Oh no! Oh.

Fuck the mohawk, it's worth it. And he's there, Bosh! It looks really good. Bosh, I think you're beautiful. Are you sure, Murty? I feel like they're turning against me. Murty looks off the distance for a second, his eyes go black. Yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah, you're doing fine. Take your second attack, Kingsley.

24 to hit. That hits. Go ahead and roll damage. Let's see. Oh, yeah, no, I'm happy with all of this. That's 12, 18, 19, 21, 25. 34 points of damage. Woo! Heavy hit, Malvolio. Damn. You're starting to feel a little winded. And I'm actually letting go of my breath. The blows are starting to cut through

not just your ego, but your previously perfect physical form. You're starting to wither. Say it ain't so. Murty, it's not time for Botox yet, is it? I got a friend who can hook you up with a Groupon. I'll talk after. That finishes your turn, Kingsley. Oh, yes.

Beth, you're up with Caleb on deck. Okay. I probably should attack, but I just can't. I'm going to do something different. Earlier, you called this audience a bunch of strangers. That's not true. These aren't strangers. These are fellow Exandrians.

These are comrades in spirit. These are critters. I'm going to cast Tasha's hideous Laughter on the audience and have them mock you with their laughter. No! Come on, laugh at him! Laugh at him! I'm going to do something weird with this.

Hey, roll this dice for me, Jester. Oh my gosh. Hey, roll this dice for me, Jester. Let's go. Oh my gosh. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I'm into it. All right, roll it on the ground. Wait. 17. Oh!

Does that mean they resist? Wait, did they resist it? You can keep that. Is that good or bad? Is that good or bad? Is that good or bad? With a high enough roll, I ask you, the jester in the front row, do you give into the hideous laughter?

Suddenly, the entire audience begins to roar with endless chuckles and laughter. Oh, I'm just a new guy! Why would you do this to me? Is this not enough? Are you not entertained? Oh. Malvolio.

Oh my god. As you slink back to your seat, the voice takes in again, What are you doing? This execution is delayed. I'm sorry, I kind of went off script for a minute. I think I got a little bit caught up in the applause and forgot what it was supposed to do.

A flash of dark magic dispels what holds your coat in place, sourceless from its location. Woo! It's a little bit sweaty in here. Wow. What a cool shirt. Hey. Hey, you know what?

What a cool shirt. I remember what I'm supposed to do. I'm supposed to kill these motherfuckers. Total party kill. It's what everybody wants. They claim to be your fans, fellow Exandrians, but they want to see you suffer. Oh, I'm feeling better right now.

Yeah, laugh all you want. Let's do this. Final wind. Bring it on, motherfuckers. A brave face he holds, but the dejection of that room of laughter still cuts deep. The next round has advantage

on all attacks against Malvolia. Oh! Okay, okay, okay. Okay, okay, okay. Good job, everybody, good job. So Veth finishes your turn. Caleb, you're up. All right, well, after seeing my best friend just ruin this man's whole life, I think it's about time we start trying to end it,

and I just walk calmly up to him as the gold coat dissolves away, pulling a stone up the length of my arm, which glows green, and I press my hand to his chest and cast Disintegrate. Oh! What? Come on, come on. This is Disintegrate. So for that, is that a deck save? Oh, what? Come on, come on. This is Dissenter Graze. So for that, is that a dex saving throw

from you, Malvolio? Fucking whiff. Good thing you've never cast this spell before, ever. Come on. Knock, knock. Who's there? 28. Well, I don't know if he Akira opens up a hole in his chest, but that's a success, a big success.

Against your save. Yeah, I'm an 18, that's a 28. So as you unleash this wave, you blast it outward, and as he says this to you, he just smiles, and you watch as the visage of Malvolio turns to black smoke and fades away, and you immediately sense him behind you, like something had plucked him from that moment in space,

and he just apparates, this dark, tiny horned shadow that just looms over from behind. I look to Jester and say, he's behind me, isn't he? I'm going to use my legendary action one more time. You have two more left if you want to use them. Because I'm going to use two slots

to cast another round, which requires two actions. And I'm going to cast Multitasker. And I'm going to make one attack, and afterwards, Murdy's going to finish the job. And I'm feeling my confidence fall more and more because I dropped the only d20 left at the table. Holy shit, that's a sock! I got that.

Here we go. I cast Blood Curse to the eyeless while this happens. Okay, so you have disadvantage on the attack roll. This one's for the first attack, firing on four. A little bit of blood in your eye. Is this for me? Not great.

Does a 19 hit? Oh yeah. Wait, but disadvantage. Disadvantage, because you rolled again. Oh, you're right. Is it disadvantage or negative? No, it gives it negative d8. Say it, say it, say it!

Oh no, yeah, it's negative d8. Negative d8. Sorry, sorry, so 19. Minus. A d8. Wait, you rolled a disadvantage. You don't want me to roll, never mind. Yeah, I want you to roll. Minus. Fuck d8. Wait, you rolled a six again. You don't want me to roll. Never mind. Yeah, I want you to roll. Minus.

Fuck. A one. Is an 18 still hit? Damn. Shield. Okay, okay. Roll again. I'm still good at this. Again.

19 with shield. Shield holds. What's your AC currently with shield? AC with shield is 22. Roll again. Third blast. That's a 22. Beats it, beats it, yeah. Go ahead and roll that damage. All right. Oh, good! I'm feeling hot tonight, baby! I roll as a three!

Three points of fire damage, Caleb, and then roll one more as your final blast. Oh, look! That's a 20. Three points of fire damage, Caleb, and then roll one more as your final blast. Oh, look. That's a 20. Doesn't matter. I feel it all falling apart. Don't worry, boss, I got this. I wince a little bit and real quiet say,

this is beneath both of us. That's it. All right. As you see him kind of pulled back with this look of shock and despair of failing this amazing retribution, a dark shape curls over Malvolia's shoulder. As you see, Murty goes, Don't worry, boss, I got him,

and leaps towards you. That's going to be a 24 to hit you. Sure. That you take. Oh man, that's going to be, oh, this is a nasty one. 23 points of damage. Okay. As Murty just begins to claw and tear into you

like this ravenous beast. That finishing Caleb's go, Fearne, you're up. All right. I've never done this before. You've got this, Fern. Okay, I'm gonna walk up to Mal and just put my hand on his shoulder. And I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

But I'm gonna cast Contagion. And at fifth level. And you have to succeed on a constitution saving throw or take 11d8 necrotic damage. Oh my god. How many? Wow. Plus eight. 26.

Damn. He doesn't have disadvantage because of the laughter. You know what? I'll allow it. Roll more time. You were dejected. 24. All right. His con's really high. Okay. So do you take half damage? What does it say on the spell?

Okay, let's see here. Also choose one ability when you cast the spell. Oops. While poisoned, the target has disadvantage on saving throws. Okay, that doesn't count. The target must repeat the same. Okay, hold on. A lot of text on that one.

This is the D&D experience. I don't know if it goes through. If it doesn't say half damage on a success... It doesn't. ...then I think it's an all or nothing. The target must succeed on a constitution saving throw. Wait. The target must succeed on a constitution saving throw...

Correct. ...or take 11d8 necrotic damage and have the poison condition. Also, she's... Okay. I'm reading the same thing over and over again. Okay, it is. Who can relate? It didn't work. Oh no!

You resist the spell, Malvolio. A good try. Damn. That was really cool, Fearne. As you feel the intent of dark nature magic attempt to tear your physical body asunder from inside with disease, you shrug it off and now Fearne stands before you, looking up with a little bit of a confused smile.

Ah! As a bonus action, can I just talk to him for a second? What do you want to say? Hey, so. Hey. You look like you're kind of not into this. Like, you look like someone else has put you in charge of this. Why don't you jump on our team as the fourth member

and forget whoever is puppeting your strings? We can protect you. We're protectors of the realm. That's a pretty good offer. Come on. Come on. Come on. What do you think? Give me a break?

Yeah, give him a break. I will eat your soul if you don't finish them. That's a no. All right, I was just throwing it out there. Beauregard, you're up. Okay, a lot's happened in a round. Yep. I'm going to finish my original job

and take out this other tan crystal. You look to the right, and there's none there, since you are now in a ruined amphitheater where you were shifted by Malvolio into a different theater. Wait, am I here? Am I still here? Do I see anything? Yeah, still here. You're still with everybody else,

you're just in a different theater now. Beau, didn't you notice when everything disappeared and we entered a different theater? No, I noticed. Maybe we should hit him instead. He's the one with the giant dick next to him. Yeah, yeah. It's right there!

Okay. I'm still 100 feet away, aren't I? You are. Okay. I run 100 feet away, aren't I? You are. Okay. I run 100 feet. Jesus. Doing Step of the Wind. Monks.

I once again bounce across the audience member's heads. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Thank you. Thanks for the boost. And then I jump, and then I'm going to run across the space whale, and I'm going to do a flip off of the penis, and I'm going to come down. Oh, wait, that makes a slap in my sick! Shall attack. Go ahead and roll your attack.

A pop-pop? Wow. Wow. Wow. Pretty bad. 17 and 16? Both of those missed. Oh! It's that slippery dick. It is that slippery dick.

Wait, I thought all attacks against him were at advantage. Because of the bad thing. Yeah. That was for the next round, or like the next. I thought it was the next round, so all of our hits. You know, I'll allow it, sure.

So that first attack misses. That would have been advantage in the first attack. Okay, second attack. Much better. The second one is going to be 23 to hit. That does hit. Yeah. Okay. So you got one through.

Got one through. Nine damage. All right. Stunning strike. Make a constitution saving throw for me, Malvolio. Fail it. Fail it! Fail it! Fail it! Oh no, no, no, no! 18? You just make it.

Damn. Okay, that's it. That finishes your turn. I'm base to base with Malvolio. Oh! Damn. Okay, that's it. That finishes your turn. I'm base to base with Malvolio. Beauregard, as your turn finishes, Malvolio, that angry voice that was so furious and terrified instantly slips in her ear. But it's not too late.

You have my gifts, and they're closer to death than you think. You have my compatriot. You have my sight. Do what must be done. Bring down the lights. The stage changes once again. And this time it's just us. It's ten years in the past. And it's someone's living room. What the shit?

There are Doritos on the table. There's iced tea. Maybe a drink or two. And some friends gather around a table for the first time ever. And they're playing a game where maybe you find a path to somewhere fun and beautiful. And they all know each other from different places in life. And maybe, just maybe, there's a spark of friendship there. You got this jock guy who's also a theater nerd. And he's not so sure, but the girl that he loves loves it, so he's into.

And you got old-time friends who've known each other forever. You got people who only work together and maybe they've only found each other a few other times the history is there and malvolio doesn't know all the details he's only been around for a little bit but the vibe that he gets is that these heroes are meant for something just a little bit greater. And you all start to fade away, and you polymorph into little flies, a fly on the wall.

And it's you. And you've been there since the beginning, and you get to see it unfold. And they play, and they play, and they laugh, and they snack, snack and they drink and they joke. And at some part, after a few days or weeks or years, who knows? I don't know the story. But they decide maybe someone else wants to see this. And it's a spark. It's a little spark. And it grows and it grows. And that fire grows and it lights the room.

And the room becomes bigger and the room changes. The room changes into a little studio with a little shitty camera. And someone goes, oh man, is anybody going to watch this? And they kick up the lights and no one's done it ever before. Who the fuck watches D&D on TV? And there it goes. And there it grows. And here we are in a big room tonight,

the only ones live in person that will ever see this moment. And you're loving it. You're loving it. And we're loving it with you. And the coolest part is, the coolest part is, yeah, you're dialed in, you're with us, but you're in the backs of your own minds too. And you think about your living room and your snacks and your drinks and your friends.

God, we'd love to see it too. And the scene changes and the sparkle changes and the egos go away. And it's just a game. And for one last round, we're going to try to fuck each other up. Let's go, baby. I cast imposter syndrome. You don't need to. I cast Imposter Syndrome! You don't need to! Just kidding!

I'm going to cast the Deadly Game. And I'm going to choose someone that I haven't been nice to. I'm going to pick Fern and I'm going to pick Vess. And right now, you both have to make Well, you choose which of these you want to use.

Spikes come up from the floor. Dorito-shaped spikes. Yes! I'd like you both to make an acrobatics. You choose, athletics or acrobatics. Acrobatics. Cool Ranch or Nacho Cheese. Cool Ranch or Nacho Cheese.

Yes, ooh, Cool Ranch. Cool Ranch, baby. Okay. Cool Ranch. Okay. Cool Ranch. So, Murdy, is it a skill check or a saving throw? No, this is a skill check. At this point in time, both of them have been shunted

into part of the terrifying mountain of competition, and they are now competing against each other. So both of you roll against each other. Against each other? Correct. Wait, we're rolling acrobatics? Yes. Against each other?

Are we trying to jump or push or what? You're trying to avoid the terrifying blades that are spinning around the mountainous Doritos spikes. Which one am I going to do? Which one am I going to do? Which one am I going to do? Oh fuck. Wait, wait, wait.

Should I do this one? Should I do this one? I think it's athletics. Did you say athletics? Athletics or acrobatics? Both. Terrible. Acrobatics or athletics?

Acrobatics, acrobatics? Both. Terrible. Acrobatics or athletics? Acrobatics, acrobatics. All right, come on. 14. Nice. 11. Fearne, you take 28 points of slashing damage as you cannot keep up, and the first leg of the contest is complete.

I need you both to roll again. No! Say athletics again? Acrobatics. I am at 11 hit points. Which one? Acrobatics. You have 11 hit points?

Yeah. 29. I'm going to roll it in here. I'm going to roll it in here. I'm going to roll it in here. God. 10. Gotten. 10. Fjord. Fearne, you take 16 points of slashing. I'm out. I'm out.

Yes! There is a third round here. Roll acrobatics. Acrobatics I get advantage on. 15. You land swimmingly, avoided all of the dangerous traps and blades and spikes. As you continue with the friends, you all turn back, and where Fearne had fallen and the blades continue to grind her in, you take two death saves. I take two death saves?

Yes! Two death saves. I take two death saves? Yes! Two death fails. Correct. So I have two failures? Yes. Which one of you would consider themselves the healer? Oh. That's a trick question.

That's a trick question. It is a trick question. It's not fair. Yeah, I would do that. Oh, thanks for being so honest. Bodic Demoralization, negative d12 on your next turn. That's it for me, friends. Boss, do you want me to do anything to help?

Yeah, why not? Get him, Murdy. You're the healer, you said, right? Let's dance. And Murdy charges towards Jester. Oh no! That's going to be a 19 to hit. What's your armor class?

Oh, 19. It just hits you. Oh no. Okay, Jester. Ooh, ha ha, ha ha. Okay. Plus. Oh, nice.

22 points of damage, Jester. Oh, fuck you. What kind of damage? This would be slashing damage. Okay. Okay, wait, screw you! I have Hellish Rebuke! Yes.

So you're going to take 3d10 cold damage. All right, constitution save for me is going to be a 17. What's the DC on yours? I don't know. Oh, 18! All right, so yeah, Murdy's going to take it. Go ahead and roll the damage. Wait, hold on.

And Jester, your turn is after this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whoa, that was so good! 24 points of cold damage! Murty takes a heavy hit, gets blasted back into your shoulder. You see all these icicles stuck to the body. Hey, boss, I'm feeling a little chilly.

Oh, Murty, let me hold you. It's getting dark out there, boss. No, Murty, stay with the light, please. You're the only friend I ever had. You will not kiss me right now. No, I'm just blown away by the fact that you haven't had any friends. That's kind of disappointing. Oh, shut the fuck up!

That finishes our turn. Jester, you're up. Dungeon Master, real quick. Yeah. Would that be considered an attack against another person other than Beauregard? From Murdy, yes. Not from MC? Technically, no. All right, all right. Fuck it, I'll do it anyway.

Sentinel attack against Murdy. Go for it, hold the attack. Let's go. Let's go! Okay, I think that's going to hit with a 25. for it, roll the attack. Let's go. Let's go! Okay, I think that's going to hit with a 25. That hits, roll damage. That's going to be 11 points of damage. Yeah, Murty takes a heavy crack at the jaw.

If we're going to do something, we got to do it soon. Starting to get a little spinny at boss. He looks up, his eyes go black for a second. That's a beautiful eye. I know, I know. It's disappointing, right? You got this. Jester, your turn.

Oh, yeah. I see Fearne getting tangled up in these things, and I'm going to run towards her. Okay. Right as I turn back to you and I say, fuck off, and I'm going to run towards her. Okay. Right as I turn back to you and I say, fuck off, and I slap him across the face with my spiritual dick. Go ahead and roll an attack. It is not an advantage since you've regained some of your composure.

Has he? No, but it was the full round, and we haven't gotten back to... Tilla's next turn. Fuck. It's you that controls the space whale! Yeah. 22! Do they have bardic a D12?

You do, you have to. Yes, I'm so sorry. Roll a D12, please. Roll a one. Roll a one. Roll a one. Roll a one. No.

Why? Because I learned how to play D&D four years ago. 18. No, 16. It does not hit. See, when a dick is too big, it's just useless.

It's useless. Trust me, you need it to be a little small. Cinderella. Why do you keep reverting to yourself a little small. Cinderella, Cinderella. Why do you keep referring to yourself, Veth? I'm just saying. Do you have a dig? In a sense. Oh yeah.

Jester. What? Please make an acrobatics check to get to Fearne. Fine! Without getting hurt. Oh no. Acrobatics, that is 12. You start leaping up the side of this mountain, covered in terrifying pieces of dangerous dirt. I don't have to get super close.

I just have to get within 30 feet. Right, which you do, but along the way, you do sustain 11 points of slashing damage. but along the way, you do sustain 11 points of slashing damage. Ah, shitballs. All right, fine. But I'm still going to cast Mask Your Wounds.

Am I within 30 feet of, who all am I close to? If I can get within 30 feet of Fearne, can I be within 30 feet of anybody else? am I close to? If I can get within 30 feet of Fearne, can I be within 30 feet of anybody else? Here's what I'll say. Beau, roll a d20. Why me? It's funnier that way.

This feels like a lot of pressure. What if I fuck this up? It's your fault then. Shut up! Oh my god. I knew this would happen. It's a two, it's a two! Nobody on this side is close enough to heal.

Okay. This side, however. Grog, could you roll a d20 for me? Yeah, no problem. Watch this. Age? Fearne is the only person within Reign. Okay. It's okay.

I will totally use this fifth huge spell just for you. Can you just use a smaller, like a Cure Wounds situation? No, because I have to talk. Oh wait, Mass Cure Wounds is within 60 feet! Ha ha ha ha ha! I'll allow it. Yay! Okay, in that case...

The benefits of reading your spell. I'm sorry. No, it's all good. Okay, uh, okay. Oh, wait, well, wait, hold on, because that might have... We're in the negotiation phase. Listen, it's a 30-foot radius sphere,

so I think that still counts. It's 30 feet on either side of me. If you're the center of the sphere. If I'm the center of the sphere. But if I, yeah. Wait, but... That's just 30 feet. Do you want to heal Fern in yourself? Yeah, fine.

Okay. All right, cool! Yeah, I will do that. Fern, I want to kill you. Heal you, not kill you. Wow! Go, go, go. I'm casting this at the fifth level, though. For how much? That's 3d8.

Great. Come on, Traveler, you mother fu- Don't worry. I'm always watching. Oh. 19 plus five! Hey. 24 to both of you. Four.

All right, that finishes Jester's go. As you come to consciousness, Jester pulls you free from some of the nearby mechanical twisting blades, and your conscious wants more fern. Grog, you're up. Kingsley, you're on deck. Thank you, Jester. My turn? Actually, do you want to do anything at the end of their turn, or are you good? I can't with the attack. No, I'm good. You're good?

Yeah, I got to save it. Okay. Grog, you're up. With my bonus action, I smash my titan stone knuckles together! Let's go. That's right, bitch. I'm tired of fucking around. Reckless Blade Weapon Master, Natural 20! Yes! Yes! Brutal critical! Come on!

So rough. Go, go, go, go, go! Plus a d6! Four! Damn. That's 29 points of damage! Yes. Oh! 27! That's 29 points of damage! Oh, yes. 17 for 27. 27 points of damage.

Minus five, 20, 22 to hit. How could you? Oh, that hits. Okay. 22 to hit. Five, four, 10, 15. 26 to Chronic. Six.

16 points of slashing damage, not as much. Last one. Come on, Groggy. No crit, sorry. 15, 25 minus five is 20 to hit. 20 just hits. Just hits. It would have been higher,

but that camera that was shattered earlier reduced his AC. Oh! Nice. 15, 25, 28 points of slashing damage. No, you'd never do such a thing to me! I pull the damaged fern right in front of me. Yeah, I'm in it to win it. My reaction manifest, contestant, you're going to take all of that damage.

I'm out again. Oh! It's 25 hit points? I'm out. Grog, as you strike down True, you heal the familiar of your axe sinking into flesh and bone. Oh, this has happened once before.

Oh no! Why is this thing happening to me? I have a vague memory of this. Oh no! As Fearne falls unconscious at the edge of your axe. All right, Grog, that's the end of your turn. Does he still take some damage? Does he still take some damage?

He still took some damage, yeah. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Kingsley, you're up. I, as this is all going down, since I definitely have seen this trick before, I have already made my rounds just so I can get right behind you, and I'm just going to slash to try and remove

that dumb bolo off your bloody neck. I'm cutting in from behind. Okay. Go ahead and make an attack roll. It is a plus five to his AC to hit it because of how direct the called shot is. Okay. Going?

Oh, that's nice. That is... You have to hit a 25. 29. That hits. Go ahead and roll damage. And that's 26, 28, 29. Yeah, I'm going to do that again. There we are. I love that I can do that. It's so amazing.

Six and a 10, 15. That's 24 points of damage. With a rapid, pointed flick of the wrist and a stab, the bolo snaps, and the gem gets impacted by the blade. And it resists the impact, like it's a fixed point in space, but you push through. And as it pulls, you see tethers of shadow yank and stretch until it fires off like it was shot out of a slingshot.

And as it does, you hear a voice go, Roar! Smoke fills the space around Malvolio and around your vision, until suddenly silence fills the space. As the smoke fades and pulls away, you see there lying on the ground, what? Please. Oh, please. I don't know what I was doing. I'm just from a small little town outside of Byroden.

It's a little place called Hebron. Yeah, you might know it if you're from the mystical land of Illinois. We got a great big water tower there that's painted like a goat ball. It's because we won the 803 High School Goat Ball Championship. And we just can't let it go. You locals know what I'm talking about, right? You locals know what I'm talking about, right? Oh, that feels good. I was just walking along one day with my sweet old trusted

dog who's gone now. And I found a jewel in the middle of the road and I scooped it up and I said, well, hey, that'd be real pretty if my ma or pa turned it into a bolo tie for me. Well, they just fashioned it right up and draped it around my neck. And the next thing I knew, I was thirsty for blood and vengeance. I fucking hated heroes. And I heard about y'all, heard about Vox Machina, heard about 99, heard about Bell Sales. I was like, fuck them guys. Am I right? Anyway, I didn't want to do none of this, y'all. Do you think maybe you just let a sweet old byroding boy get off the hook this one time? Is he crossing his toes? No. What do y'all think?

I'll leave it up to you. Well, I feel like we should not leave it up to us, but we should leave it up to our friends. Maybe. I love the way you think, mister. And you know, we say something from where I'm from. We say smiley day to you. Thanks so much.

I think you're right. Perhaps, though, as you had us do, you could demonstrate how much you want this by dancing. Oh, you son of a bitch. Yeah.

Yeah, I suppose I'll dance for my supper. Hit it! Oh, God. Is it playing? No, I don't hear no music. You don't hear anything? It's in our ears. Does anybody hear this?

It's in our ears. This feels like a defense mechanism. Yeah. There you go. That feels right. There you go. Hey, y'all. Did you have a good time tonight?

Why don't you give it up one time for red team? Why don't you give it up one time for blue team? Why don't you give it up one time for Motherfucker Critical Role? Tricked y'all up out of here! Oh shit! Are we playing a video game? Oh, person!

Did anybody get away? He's going to go ahead and use his second legendary resistance to resist the spell, and you watch as the figure that became and was no longer Malvolio Contreras as you knew him vanish into the dark ether of night. What? Oh, I wonder if we will see him again someday. Probably not. What just happened?

We can hear him. Wait, they can hear him? They can hear him? They hear him? It was just in our ears. Did you hear him? Okay. Why did you hear him? Yeah, they turned on his mic! He is calling us fools. He's using a lot of swear words.

He's laughing a lot. He says that he fell for it. Is he just backstage? Maybe come out on stage and say it. You... I'm done, I made my dramatic action. Goddamn it. You're dramatic.

What I said was... They fell for it. The beautiful, beautiful fools. Let me hear it one last time. That sweet energy that fills me up. No. Let me hear the applause. Live, laugh, and die another day!

As the magic fades from this pocket realm, collapsing upon itself, what enchantments kept you here begin to come unbound. One by one, you begin to draw back into the ether and are returned to where you were plucked on Exandria Press, to join your friends with the strangest story to tell when the time allows it. Keep it tight. But somewhere out there, a dark, pouty spirit still holds a bit of malice in his heart. Runs barefoot.

And runs barefoot. But that's another story. And that will conclude our game for today. Hey! What the fuck? What happened? Oh man. Thank you all so much for coming with us on this very weird, wild ride. This deeply experimental, strange... Get him out here! Get Robbie the fuck out here. Get that barefoot little devil back out here! Get Robbie back out here.

Get that Twitch TOS-breaking boy. Yay! Oh man. Give him that hat, he needs that hat. Come on up, get up here. Send us out, Madden. You're crowned, sir. Everyone, thank you so much for joining us

for this wonderful evening. We love you very much, and is it Thursday? Good night. Hang on, wait, let's do this. Come on in. Let's do this. Ah, ah, ah, ah. I need copper. Come on in. Let's do this. Oh, wow, wow, wow. Come on in. A double, a double.

Chicago, we love you! Chicago! Thanks for listening. We hope you've enjoyed this tale. If you did, consider leaving a review on your podcast platform of choice. We're always looking for new critters to share our stories with, and your review may help a new batch of wayward adventurers discover the show. See you next time!