Daily Motivations - IF SOMEONE BROKE YOUR HEART LISTEN TO THIS

Episode Date: May 21, 2022

This episode is sponsored by  Team Treehouse   Get 50% off your first month as a podcast listener through our special discount link. Speaker: 00:00 Adam Reid                     06:17 Adam Roa                     15:35 Guy Winch                     21:36 Sandra Elia Instagram - @daily_motivationsorg     Facebook- @daily_motivationsorg Interested in sponsoring this show reach out to us via [e-mail] Grab your Ultimate Female Body Fitness Guide Ebook  copy now at an exclusive 50% off discount  https://selar.co/42zb40?currency=USD Kindly Support Us Below to sustain future episodes. Team Treehouse Get 50% off your first month as a podcast listener through our special discount link. Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you. Support the Show.

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Please play responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connex Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. BidMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. Welcome to Daily Motivation, where you get motivated and inspired. You never listen. It's always the same thing with you. It's like... Me. You don't care. You're the exact same way. I'm just trying to make a point here.

Hey, friends. Why can't you just say that I'm right for once? For once, I'm right. Because you're not. You're not. You're wrong. You want me to pretend? Is that what you want? Friends, hold on.

Before we continue the conversation any further, let me ask you this. Now, did you know that 70% of marriage fights are never solved? The five most common things couples fight about are free time, money, housework, intimacy, and of course, the in-laws. Well, let me tell you a story about three questions that were asked to me, three questions that changed my relationships and my life. It starts in a fast food restaurant

because, well, as a single parent, it's all I could afford. I was with my daughter, the one and only light of my life. We were at her favorite place where we went every single Friday. And we were already at our table when a couple walked in. You know, one of those couples, the ones that make you say, oh, look at them. They're in love. Now, truth be told, I had been divorced for three years. So instead, I'm thinking, all right, go get a room. But my daughter, though, my daughter kept staring at them,

and I could see she was distracted as if there was a TV in the room. I'm going to make a scene of it. So I tried to continue as per our usual talk, you know, school, friends, presents for her birthday, but she just wasn't listening. She just kept on looking at them. And then slowly, with big scared eyes, she turned to me and asked me the most dreaded question for any single parent. What happened to you and mom?

Her mom and I fell madly in love with each other after college. The kind of love that leaves a mark on your heart. We got married and had our beautiful Sophie. And then we started fighting. We disagreed on everything. As if we were both raised different. As if we had different opinions on how to raise our child. And those fights led to anger,

and anger led to hurtful comments, and we became the worst of partners, and I couldn't stand it, so I left. Now, am I going to say this to my nine-year-old daughter? No. Instead, I turned to Sophie and said, some people are just not meant for each other, sweetie. She then says, so why don't you ever find someone else?

Her mother had met someone, so I guess I was the weird one being single. But I never thought it would be so important for my daughter. I was pretty sure she didn't want to hear the truth. So I said, it would be so important for my daughter. I was pretty sure she didn't want to hear the truth. So I said, I'm fine on my own. I had terrible coping mechanisms and I poured my energy into my work and my daughter, but I couldn't say that. So I just said, I have no time for relationships. I was so afraid of being rejected that I couldn't even face trying to meet someone else. I told her, you're the only girl for me, sweetie. And that's when my daughter looked at me completely serious.

Nine years old. And she says, I know you're lying, Dad. My heart stopped. I couldn't believe what she said. And I thought I was fooling her, but I was only fooling myself. So I tried telling the truth. I said, honey, it's been really hard after your mom and I separated.

And I'm not good at meeting people. And to be honest, I don't think I have much to offer. Sophie stares at me completely unfazed. She said, dad, how can you teach me to love if you can't even love yourself. Her words hit me like a ton of bricks. How can I teach her to love if I can't even love myself? In her own wisdom, she taught me what I had missed. Had I loved myself truly, I could have loved my wife. Every fight I picked with her, every time I was angry or felt unheard, it was basically because I couldn't accept myself

completely. My happiness depended on my wife loving me back. But that's wrong. You see, in order to love someone else, I needed to love myself first. I should love myself. I can love myself. And so can you. I'm not different. I'm not special, but I am deserving of love.

And if you can see that, if you can see that you too deserve to be yourself and be happy today, you too could be happy in your relationships. It doesn't matter who you are, what you've been through, where you come from. You can decide today to take action and start loving your true self and embracing it. Because then, then you'll be free to love unconditionally. You'll gain the ability to give that power to others and change every single person in your life. There would be no problem that's too big or too hard to solve, no struggle too difficult to overcome,

no crisis too overwhelming not to band together and prevail. No person too broken that cannot be mended. Change. Real change. Simply starts with you. I know. True love. True love.

Starts here. I heard that Melissa is cheating on you. And I responded with, I know. And he said the exact right words to me. He said, what did you expect? How did I get to this place? So I want you to imagine me, palms sweaty,

my heart is racing, and I've just asked the scariest question that I've ever asked up until that point in my life. Will you be my girlfriend? And she said yes. And I was six. I was in the second grade and I had just fallen in love for the very first time. I was flying. I couldn't even believe it. Her name was Elizabeth, and she was the most beautiful girl that I'd ever seen in my life. She wore these dresses with matching bows

in her curly blonde hair. I didn't even know what it meant to be a boyfriend and a girlfriend. And then what that evolved into was we spent all of our recesses together. And I don't know how long the relationship lasted, you know, because time is so different when you're in love and you're sick.

When I walk down the aisle of this library and I see Elizabeth with Chad. Chad was everything I wasn't. Tall and stocky and red hair and freckles. And I was a tiny little half Asian gap tooth kid with a dream of true love. And it's not that I disliked Chad, but I knew that Elizabeth disliked Chad. In fact, she had told me over and over and over again that she actually hated Chad. And naive, innocent little me just like walks up. What are you doing? Well, I'm looking at books with Chad. Okay, but I thought you hated Chad. And she says these words that would shape the next two decades of my life.

She says, no, I don't hate him. You're the one I hate. And she turns around and she walks away with Chad. I was left standing there confused. And six-year-old me created the story that there was something wrong with me, and I couldn't see it. And I made a decision in that moment that I was going to do everything I could

to be the perfect boyfriend. I was the beast, and I needed my bell. I was 17 years old when I was hanging out with my friends after work and Katie walked into the room. She went to a different high school so I'd never seen her before but But the moment that she walked in, I knew that was my person. I knew it in the core of my being. And so I got her number. Well, that sounds way cooler. I actually asked her friend for her number, but I did eventually call that number. And we talked all night until we were both literally falling asleep on the phone and that became a nightly ritual and I did everything I could to

be the best boyfriend ever she didn't have a car but but I had a car, so where do you need me to drive you? And life was good. You know what I mean? Like mini golf, go-karts, kind of good. I even opened my heart again. And yeah, there were some things that weren't exactly nice to experience. Like the nights that I would call her and I wouldn't get an answer, the text messages

that didn't get returned, the various things that were indicators, I ignored all of them. She was perfect. She was my bell. And then one day we're at the mall and we're walking out of the gap. And as we're walking out, I go to put my hand on her shoulder, not even arm around her, but just put my hand on her shoulder. And as soon as my fingers touch down,

she reacts as if I've shocked her. And she yells at me, don't touch me and she storms off I was back to the six-year-old version of me in that library not knowing what I had just done but obviously something I did was worth hating. And I felt my whole world kind of crumbling around me. And that led to a series of relationships over several years of me trying to find people to fill me up.

But I was a bucket with a giant hole in it. So every time someone would come in and fill me up at all, it would just go right out. I hit a rock bottom with a woman named Melissa. We were lifeguards. We worked together, and she let me know that this guy, Dan, was going to give her a ride home.

And then one day, my friend called me up, and he said, Hey, man, I have to tell you something. I heard that Melissa is cheating on you. And I responded with, I know. And I remember sitting up on the lifeguard chair

watching Dan's car drive off with my girlfriend in the passenger seat and knowing. And he said the exact right words to me. He said, what did you expect?

Why are you always trying to see the best in people, ignoring signs of a lack of integrity or that they might not actually care about me? Because I saw them in their highest. But what it made me realize was that I wasn't doing the same thing for myself. I wasn't giving myself the benefit of the doubt. That's what I was doing for everyone else in my life, but not for me. I was spending every ounce of energy to be the right match for what everyone else wanted me to

be. The good student for my parents, the good athlete for my friends, and the perfect boyfriend. And so for me, it became about seeing what I had allowed myself to believe, that there was something wrong with me, and deciding that I was going to change that, that I was worth changing that. Your self-love journey starts when you say you love yourself enough to be worthy of making changes in your life. You do not have to accept the things about your life that you do not love. You don't need to like yourself to love yourself unconditionally. You are ever evolving with every single moment, every single breath that you take. And so that journey to become the person that you want to be, the person who truly loves themselves, all of you,

the person who designs a life that reflects back to you how amazing life could be, that starts by loving yourself unconditionally. Everything I've been through has brought me to be this person, this man standing here today because I am enough. And that's enough just by showing up. And you are enough. This very moment, you are enough. Because you are.

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through our special discount link. And that's the thing that fascinated scientists at the beginning when it came to rejection. Why do they hurt so much? Why does it hurt so much? There's just so many ways in which we can get rejected. We get turned down by potential dates. We get turned down by potential employers. Our friends go to lunch without us. Our parents don't approve of our lifestyles. But all of them have one thing in common, and that is they really, really hurt. So they wanted to study it. The thing is, you have to be able to catch rejection in action if you want to study it. The thing is, you have to be able to catch rejection in action if you want to study it. You know, you can't just take your research assistant

to a local singles bar and go, oh look, that dude just got shot down. Quick, give him the questionnaire. That's not going to work. So how do you recreate it? So here's what they did. And you're sitting in the waiting room and there are two other people in the waiting room. And there's a ball on the table and one of them takes the ball and goes, you know, and throws it to the other person. And the other person catches it and goes, and throws it to you. And you catch it and you throw it back to the first person, who then goes, throws it to the second. And the second doesn't throw it to you, throws it back to the first person. And now they are tossing the ball and you're excluded. Now, how would that make you feel? Now, most people think, two strangers in a waiting room didn't toss me a ball. Big whoop. I don't care. But it turns out we care quite a bit because this is a paradigm that has been used dozens and dozens of times.

And everyone who goes through it reports feeling significant emotional pain. So they said, let's run the experiment again. They took them in and they go, okay, we're coming clean. Those are research assistants. It wasn't real. The whole thing was rigged. Now does it hurt? And people were like, yeah, it still hurts.

So scientists were like, what is going on in our brain here with this rejection thing? Like, how come it's so unreasonable? I mean, we're telling people it wasn't real and they're still hurting. So they put people in a functional MRI machine. They wanted to see literally what happens in the brain. And what they found was shocking to them. Because what they saw was that the same pathways in the brain light up when we get rejected as light up when we experience physical pain. They ran the experiment again and gave half the group of people Tylenol.

And the people who got Tylenol reported less emotional pain. Now, I'm not suggesting that you go out on your next date packing Tylenol. Why are we wired to experience rejection so severely? Why? And the answer is because of our evolutionary past, because we grew up in tribes and we couldn't survive outside them. Being ostracized from your tribe was a death sentence, but it also explains why we feel things so harshly. And today we don't live in small pockets of humanity, so the opportunities for rejection are innumerable.

So let's look at how people typically respond to rejection. Vodka. They reach for the bottle. Not a good idea. Turns out that when you stuff your feelings down with alcohol, they often come back up again. And the other thing we often do is we turn to food. We try drown our sorrows with food. Now, needless to say, these responses don't really work very well. So what do we need to do? There are several wounds we need to treat, but the most urgent of them is that we need to do something to revive our self-worth. One of the ways that is most common in terms of how people do that

is positive affirmations. Those are statements like, I am attractive and worthy, I'm going to be a great success. But when we do studies about them, what we find is that positive affirmations don't work. Well, why is that? Why is it that when your self-esteem is low, telling yourself that you're going to be successful and people are going to love you and everything is going to be great, why would that make you feel bad? Well, when a statement falls within the boundaries of our belief system, we'll accept it. And when a statement falls outside the boundaries of our belief system, we'll reject it. And so when you're feeling really unworthy of love, and you're telling yourself, I'm worthy of love,

I'm worthy of success, your unconscious mind will reject that statement. So what should you do? Well, there is another kind of affirmation that actually does work, and that's the one I'm going to suggest. It's called self-affirmations. And the thing about self-affirmations

is they are generated by you. So you know they fall within the boundary of your belief system because you're the one that has to come up with them. Make a list of five qualities, attributes that you have that you really believe are valuable in whatever the domain is. And then you write a brief essay, one or two paragraphs about one of the items on your list. You really elaborate why that's an important thing. And that will actually remind you of self-worth that you actually have. That will make you feel better doing that. Now, some people say to me, I've tried it. It didn't work. And I'm like, you've made the list and you wrote the essay. No, no,

I just thought about those things and I thought about why they were important. And I'm like, well, you know, that's like saying I was hungry, so I thought about the food I had in my fridge. Turns out I'm still hungry. You know, no, you have to write the essay. You have to make the list because making the list is like

taking the food out of the fridge and cooking it. And writing the essay is how you eat it. It's how you absorb it. Your brain needs for you to think about it, to process it, to write it. That's how the message gets absorbed, because it's so obvious to us that we need to monitor our physical health. We need to monitor our bodies. That's very, very clear to us. But it's not clear to us at all that we need to monitor our psychological health.

I really hope that the next time you experience some kind of psychological injury you won't just hurt but you'll try applying emotional first aid. and I'm gonna get married. Going to the chapel and I'm gonna get devastated. Gee, I really am uncertain and we're gonna get divorced. Going to the chapel of love. I'm 20 years old at the chapel doors,

big white dress and a four-foot train, and there is a man at the end of the aisle who I do not want to marry. How did I get here? I grew up in a home where I was unsafe, unspecial, unloved. And so when that was reflected back to me, it felt like home. It felt like love. And when I was 16, and for the first time in my life, someone looked in my eyes and said, I love you. Well, you knew I was going to marry him. I was starved for human connection. So I went ahead and married someone just like my father and divorced him by the time I was 30. And then I was engaged to someone just They prepare us for our dreams. And so I am ready. I'm ready to meet Mr. Right. Right? And how do I attract my soulmate? Well, that's a big question. And I always take big questions into meditation. And I heard the answer, lean back and receive. What does that even mean?

Lean back and receive? You mean I'm not supposed to work for it? I'm not supposed to prove my worthiness of love? I'm supposed to let go of everything I ever thought I knew about love? I am a beautiful being, deserving of love, and so are you, for no other reason than because you are you. So the next time I get married, and there will be a next time, my vows will sound like this. Dear one, I love you so much that I'm going to put me first. I promise to be at peace with who I am so I can be at peace with who you are. I am committed to my greatness so that I can be comfortable with your greatness. I take full responsibility for how I feel about you.

It's all on me. And the only thing I ask of you is that you do the same for me. Now I am open, willing, and ready for love. The question is, who else is ready? And who's next down the aisle? Thank you.