Daisie Dates - EP 16 PART 2| Are you ready to show up AUTHENTICALLY?

Starting point is 00:00:00 know what i got know what i want boy don't get me wrong sure we're having fun but it don't mean that i'm in love hey it's daisy if you've just clicked onto this episode well welcome this is part two of episode 16 do go back and listen to part one if you haven't otherwise this episode focuses on love phases and love cycles and I think you're gonna learn a lot now please like subscribe share even if you just share on Instagram or Facebook if you write a review all of these things help so much so I can come back for season three in the new year bigger and better I would so appreciate it you can also follow me on my personal Instagram at Daisy

Starting point is 00:00:45 Bell to keep up to date with what I do outside of the podcast and Daisy Dates podcast on Instagram as well, where I, uh, you can slide into my DMs. I get back to you on the DMs and upload lots of different reels and lots of different pieces of advice as well. For now though, this is part two of episode 16 with my guest, the love coach, also known as TJ Gibbs. Enjoy. We've touched on love languages and you kind of mentioned love cycles earlier. Right. Can we expand on the cycles, which is ludos, eros or storge?

Starting point is 00:01:20 So I'll do it from what I can remember in the book. So it's eros, ludos, Storge, Pragma and Manic. Right. Okay. So Eros, that's the fairy tale. That's the Beauty and the Beast. That's the... Well, actually, no.

Starting point is 00:01:38 Actually, Beauty and the Beast is Storge. Now I think about it. If we're looking at all of our... But the fairy tale is that uh i just love love bombing and all of that kind of stuff that constant state of euphoria always on the phone for eight hours at a time you i know some people that i have actually seen it on some shows i've actually seen people who constantly have their webcam on they sleep together they're in different countries and they kind of sleep with their cameras on that's all the eros stage it can't be without them you can't breathe without them everything's amazing the sex is amazing everything like that so that's eros

Starting point is 00:02:14 it burns out after about three months oh god okay but what eros will do is this is where love bombing comes in people call it narcissists right it doesn't mean you can be eros and not be a narcissist right but a lot of narcissists are very eros driven because it lasts three months they'll move on so that all of a sudden it was everything they were getting that buzz everything's new then they'll they'll find somebody else to to get their their love supply from so eros is very very fairy tale okay um so if we look at ludos now we can be anywhere on this cycle depending on who are coming out of relationships uh we're not been dating for a while it can all be different so ludos is no strings attached friends with benefits okay it's casual i don't don't want a relationship okay um so what you need to check

Starting point is 00:03:08 in on is if you're in ludos especially for the men if you're in your ludos phase but you're attracting women by the next one which is inviting agape agapes uh uh i'll do anything for you um do you want to do you although acts of service is do you want a coffee this is love island at the moment it's always always about there's this big thing about coffees oh yeah in the morning yeah it's acts of service it's like will you show up in front of my peer group and show that you care about me by giving me the gift of the coffee it's a mixture of love languages in there okay but agape yourself is self-sacrificing agape is the woman or man that will stay no matter what happens okay and it's tend to what we want what we think we want in a

Starting point is 00:03:53 relationship okay that self we want i want somebody to be there for me no matter what to love me unconditionally that's agape love so pragma love um is practical arranged marriages it's um and we talk about dying uh charles and diana that was a pragma relationship he needed an heir he needed a young virginal kite woman who could be queen it's a very pragmatic relationship but as we get older in life when you look at people that have got two children and they they're dating a man with two children it's more pragmatic to to be in that kind of relationship because you bring the kids together and you know that kind of stuff so you've got storage is friendship i have a client who can only fall in love through storage they have to be friends first there's no actual attraction

Starting point is 00:04:47 connection that he can work on unless he can sit down and have it so he's not going to jump into bed with somebody in in in the first three or four dates it's not going to happen right so storage is about i need to feel safe and women who've been in abusive relationships women who've suffered from domestic abuse or sexual abuse can often only feel comfortable in storage relationships as well where they trust the person before they can then get romantically involved so and then the final one is manic love so manic love um is that he hasn't texted me for a week for a day sorry what do you mean he hasn't texted you for a day no i think he's seeing somebody else now okay you're stalking social media um you're getting your friend to drive by his house to see if there's a car outside

Starting point is 00:05:39 right we all know that girl we do we all know and we've all probably been at some point right but it can get out of hand and and and you know this is where stalking can get involved and i call it the tire slashing energy i actually had a client very much when i was first doing this work she asked me to do a home visit and she wanted me to get her boyfriend back so i said what do you mean she is with somebody else she said i've slashed his tires I've told his girlfriend he slept with me last night but he's just not coming back so that manic energy is what happens very often as you're losing somebody yeah so I'd say I've experienced the manic during you know when you know you're about to break up at any moment. Yeah, the mania. Yeah. So when you're in that phase,

Starting point is 00:06:25 you can think, you can really confuse it with Eros quite easily. Really? Yeah, because the feelings, the adrenaline that's running through you, the, I just love him so much. I'm that kind of stuff. So Eros people can go from Eros to manic. If you have somebody who is Eos and then they change their energy which is very typical of narcissistic people will just suddenly focus their supply on somebody else

Starting point is 00:06:56 then it can make you manic it can drive you and we all have the capability to be in that manic cycle so do you choose your love cycle then no it's part of your journey where you're at in life right i say if you think about your health care if you're really vigilant on it you could probably be healthy all of your life but chances are that you're going to have good periods of life when you're healthy other periods when you weren't other periods when you've got to look at it so it's a cycle depending on where you've been so if you've just had covid you're coming out your immune system's really weak so if you're coming out of uh of a divorce an agape what you thought was agape because nobody gets married if they don't think it's agape right then you can suddenly go into a ludos stage where the last thing you want is commitment you just want fun okay it there are some people and

Starting point is 00:07:52 they are people that are non-monogamous have to understand that if they what they need is eros all the time then they shouldn't be in a monogamous relationship so starting to understand where you're at as part of your what's your love language what's your fact it's we're very complex as human beings where am i at and if ludus is okay so somebody came out of a divorce and they said to me so what do you think of friends with benefits and i said can you refine the question um is it okay she said to me i said it's absolutely okay if it's what you want and what the other person wants but what as women we tend to do is we will meet guys when we're there in the ludos phase but we try and turn it into agonizing yeah because there we are again trying so what i do say to guys is like make it very clear don't just say it i'm not looking for a

Starting point is 00:08:51 relationship check in what they heard because she's just going to ignore it if she's not in the ludos stage right so you need to check in and get her to feed back to you and clarify to you where are you at on that on on that scale um and it's very likely that as a relationship grows you're going to change the cycle like you said from eros to manic yeah okay you can go from storage to to to pragma so you could be friends okay or he really gets on with my kids my family really like him yeah i may as well accept his proposal of marriage that's a pragmatic that's pragmatic but it's all still love okay so there's no really one that we would should aim for here it's all just most people aim for the dream which is the agape yeah right which is unconditional love and people will say to me i just want a relationship

Starting point is 00:09:52 like my nan and granddad had oh right but then i say to them are you prepared to do what your grandmother did to keep that relationship if she didn't work she raised children she let him have most of the say in the relationships he handled the finances most women are not going to be prepared to go into a gender gender stereotype relationship that their grandparents were in most not of not of. No, but were they happy relationships? I think some people think that happy is long. But the most, and a lot of people would prefer to be in a relationship than be alone for fear of loneliness. But actually the loneliest place to be is in the wrong relationship and people hold on too long

Starting point is 00:10:48 so relationships are all season reason and summer lifetimes very few though and I when I have clients are coming my husband just left me after 37 years and I'll say to her she said he left in April so I'll say to her when did the relationship end and she said, she said he left in April. So I'll say to her, when did the relationship end? And she said, I told you he left in April. I said, when did the relationship end? And she looked at me, she said about 10 years ago. Oh, gosh. So, or other clients will say about a year ago.

Starting point is 00:11:19 They'll know. When I ask them that question, they'll know. But remember when we started talking i said human beings prefer certain unhappiness over uncertain happiness so the loneliest place to be is in the wrong relationship there is nothing as lonely as that as you have worked out you're not lonely being alone watching your tvs eating what you want to it're not lonely being alone, watching your TVs, eating what you want to. It's not lonely. So what's the rush to have the wrong relationship? Yeah, there isn't.

Starting point is 00:11:53 But I guess it can take people a while to get there, can't it? There are people that always feel like they need to be in a relationship. And do you know what? It's not a bad thing. Okay. Needing to be in a relationship, right? Because you're always growing. You want to share.

Starting point is 00:12:13 You want to give love. The bad thing is if you always want to be in a relationship to the point where you'll take anything. Toxicity. If you're prepared to be in a relationship, it lasts as long as it lasts. Dust yourself down, get into your next relationship. Don't let anyone criticize you for that. Because if you're happy in all of those relationships, you're growing. This need to,

Starting point is 00:12:35 oh, I think you should be single for a while. You should be on your own. Why? If you're born to be in relationships with other people, if that's who you are you do you the problem is if all your relationships are unhealthy and the reason you're getting into your next one is that you don't have to face yourself by being alone why are you in the relationship is it because you're because being on your don't not wanting to be alone is a real red flag so obviously the longer you're on alone the harder it is to get into a relationship basically not wanting to be alone is a real red flag. So obviously the longer you're on a loan, the harder it is to get into a relationship, basically.

Starting point is 00:13:10 Be aware. Oh, I'm very aware. So sometimes you just kind of need to, like, and what is a relationship nowadays? Define your 28. Yeah. What are your stages that you go through? Because I'm seeing more and more this distraction from actually agreeing that you're in a relationship.

Starting point is 00:13:33 Oh, yeah. So what's the stages for you? I think it depends what kind of guy I'm with, obviously. I've been on a few dates with someone now where sometimes you just know that you're both not going to be, I just know he's not going to be hanging out with any other girl. Right. Because of the type of guy he is. Why do you need to, you just know, so you're probably kinesthetic as well.

Starting point is 00:13:57 No, okay. But have you asked him? Not yet. Because? Because, how many, we've been like four dates and at this point we're kind of seeing how it goes and I'm happy with how it's going. But it's only information you're asking for. It is. So I don't want to make it serious.

Starting point is 00:14:16 So you're scared. Okay. So you don't want him to ask you. Is that the case? Yeah. And I'm not dating anyone else, but I don't want him to ask me that. Because you don't want him to ask you is that the case yeah and I'm not dating anyone else but I don't want him to ask me that because you don't want him to know because you might think he might think you like him yeah maybe or just because then it puts a level of oh we're actually committing and that does scare me then why are you committing by asking the question I don't know it feels committal if he yeah okay do you know what you want out of a relationship yeah at least I think I do do you know that you want a relationship because when

Starting point is 00:14:53 we looked at your scores remember you're so happy where you are at the moment right I am yeah um you know I don't I think I'm at a point where i don't feel like i need one right therefore that's the best place to be to be in one okay absolutely that sweet spot is where you're ready but there's the fear that it's going to take your peace yeah exactly because i don't but yeah and then the argument myself is well daisy you're 28 so how long do you want to just sit here and be like i don't need anyone because i i know i don't want to be there i want the option of having children with someone let's be honest you want someone you wouldn't be dating yeah let's just cut to the bottom line yeah if you didn't want someone you'd be at home you'd not be on the

Starting point is 00:15:39 date and i should not be going out on dates you'd not be picking up your phone so you want one there's part of you yeah you're not prepared to give up you to have one that's the issue at the moment i would agree with that yeah right so you've just got to find the one that wants you you know bob marley said something really that i use and use with all of my clients right he said everyone will hurt you well yeah that's true as well friends everyone family everyone it's just finding those worth hurting for right so asking questions like are you dating anyone else's information right and you don't have to necessarily do anything with that information but understanding who you're dating because if he turns around says yeah well i've been seeing my

Starting point is 00:16:32 ex but off and on for the last six months but you're gonna be like oh what's that like what what am i doing that kind of stuff you should you should be in the first four or five dates kind of interviewing the guy without him knowing. I'm not saying you ride it all up, but you should be getting, because you know you're non-negotiables. How are you going to find out if you're not asking? Yeah, no, you're so right.

Starting point is 00:16:56 Because someone that I dated earlier this year who actually was a colleague at the time, it was one of the first episodes of the podcast, I never did ask what exactly we were. So I did just assume that because he'd been my friend for two years we were doing this and we knew what we both wanted but it did turn out like it unraveled months later that when he broke up with me he'd actually been seeing another girl at the same time yeah um but I you're right I never asked him that. So he was able to just carry on with me because I didn't ask it as well. Are you scared of the answers? No, I'm not with this current person.

Starting point is 00:17:32 No, as in anybody. No, I don't think so. If you're going to go for a job interview, I want to know how much you're paying me, how many hours I've got to work, right? If I can't work from home, what kind of equipment that you're going to give me right and then i'm going to consider whether i want to take the job yeah right when you're dating remember you

Starting point is 00:17:53 can't help you fall in love with so you need to do your homework on the people that you're dating before you give them the time the energy and once women connect sexually with men we go to a different level whether we understand it or we don't understand it right yeah um when we're searching for our soulmate so our soul starts to go oh is this the one so without the information you can't make informed choices on who you're spending your time with so how do you ask questions about things that you feel you need to find out about without making it feel like an interview right you show an interest okay okay so i will do for instance if i want to know say i i give i'm going to give you an example

Starting point is 00:18:37 guy asked me to dance and in a club when i was out and as we're dancing and he's his guards off he's not kind of waiting for the inquisition i'll say oh so so where's your partner tonight and he instinctively said she's at home with the kids i knew exactly what i needed to do and knowing that one question i didn't go are you single because he's ready for that answer kind of stuff it's conversational one of the biggest tips i can give you if you want to know and it's really interesting to see somebody's face right it's best to do this face to face okay so say oh so can i ask you something um is there a woman out there that thinks you're her man and they'll'll go into inquiry. And before they know it, they've given you the answer.

Starting point is 00:19:27 Because of how long they're thinking. No, because they'll go, no, no, right? So that's the truth, okay? If they start laughing, buying for time, they'll go, what do you mean? But the amount of people that will just go, well, yeah, I guess so. And then you're like, oh, that's interesting.

Starting point is 00:19:44 So tell me about that it's right it's about taking an interest in somebody it's about asking them the reason a lot of men don't lie they just don't tell you because you haven't asked yeah so allowing fertile ground for conversation and allowing someone not to have to lie to you is a big skill you've got to be ready for the truth and and i would say with you like because you are at the nest building phase 28 to 35 i think it's important for you to understand what you want now yeah but then you're going to have to go into literally your scores are that you should be an inquiry right you need to go in and inquire whether this person is worth you putting the time

Starting point is 00:20:32 and energy into right and you're now at the point where you're thinking about whether you want children who the father of those children are going to be i work with a lot of women who were reflecting back and men are reflecting back that they didn't choose their child's parent okay right they didn't think more about do i want a child with this person so you're at that stage now so the information is more important than you can possibly imagine because this person could be attached to you for the rest of your life so it's the 21 to 28 phase that's fine mess around doesn't matter kind of like whatever you're coming into the nest building phase now information is power so give me an example of what you might want to know for someone and i'll give you an example of how to get it, the information. I have a big thing about, I try not to date people

Starting point is 00:21:28 that have recently come out of a relationship, like a long-term relationship, because at my age I'm finding that's really common. I meet people that have just come out of, like, really long relationships and they're dating. Right. And so I like to find that out, like... At what point do you want to find that out?

Starting point is 00:21:46 If I'm on a dating app, I usually find it out on an app before actually meeting them. Before you even go in, okay. Yeah, in real life, I think, yeah, I ask on a first date. It's that important to me. Right. So what else might be important that you want to know? That might not be so easy to ask. what else might be important that you want to know that might not be so easy to ask yeah the the the drugs thing i guess but i use that i do use that cleverly now in conversation like festivals do you

Starting point is 00:22:12 go to like raves you find out by the place so you're doing it i am doing that yeah i am doing that with you are filtering yeah your dating pool right yeah look at from the point of view of that if you're going from as a woman that you're going to reproduce with your this child is going to be half him and half you so you're at the age now you're going into nesbiter in 28 to 35 where you're looking for the potential father of your children am i right yeah yeah so your children are going to be half him and half you so you have to understand who this man is so it's not time for time wasting it's understanding the get ready for love program is all about understanding your non-negotiables you're nice to have them and priorities are things that you can mess with but in your

Starting point is 00:23:00 non-negotiables and getting that information before you even step far out the door for a date well this is why i'm glad people are more aware of this now because obviously i have met people through the podcast through tiktok that have broken up years later because one of them doesn't want children and that's also a conversation i have early on as well i'd say that's like the third date yeah for me yeah okay it's the third date for you I think so first date feels right so so quite intense to bring that up so let's talk about pre-dating yeah what do you do pre to going on a date what what's the do you go on a date because somebody asks and you like the look of them no I find out I think I find out a few core things that is like um somehow I find out like if they're close to their family and their friendship groups and what that's like because that's really important to me

Starting point is 00:23:50 right um we have I have quite a lot of people around me in terms of friends and family so that's kind of important for me and someone else as well um I find out whether they would take drugs because then it would just be like a no it would be a no and I usually do find out how far they well how long they've been broken up with someone slash what they are looking for because recently I had a great conversation I've actually been off the apps for maybe two three months now but a few months ago I had a great conversation with someone quite local and I was like oh he's really cool got a great job and then I was just like oh so what are you doing on the apps and he was like to be honest just a little bit of fun and I was like right because I would have met him but it was just in the last moment

Starting point is 00:24:31 that I asked the question so I'd say I do find out those core things sometimes I think children is quite intense to ask on a dating app no because you just went from you said about friends and family yeah so act as if they might have children okay so a question like so do you have any children and he's like and depending on the answer absolutely not and i don't intend to kind of stuff or um because you talked about how the importance of family and friends yeah so family being children as well a lot of women hide that they don't have children. In fact, I saw a woman on a podcast say that you should never tell him until you're getting really serious, because then you can tell whether he likes you or because of your status. No, children are hugely important to your life.

Starting point is 00:25:20 So you can start asking, do you have any children no okay so what what's your opinion on children where it's yours it's just inquiry do you know actually you can ask more openly on a first before dating than you could on a third date because you're emotionally invested in the answer by then yeah no that makes sense yeah because just by kind of like getting the information you need to not waste his time um if he doesn't if it's a non-negotiable sounds like non-negotiable that he doesn't want children would you still date him if it's a non-negotiable and he won't have children i wouldn't date them right so there you go so all your non-negotiables identify them so your top five so chemistry's got to be one you know you've got to kind of like fill that out for yourself but the other four you should all have

Starting point is 00:26:10 conversation before you even go on the date before the date yeah okay you cannot stop who you fall in love with so if your non-negotiables are uh drug taking uh wants children um is close to their family um be careful with the close to the family bit i know yeah because you need somebody in your life that has struggled through things so because they've struggled they may not be able to be close to their family so um you know but if they say they want children they absolutely want they're talking about having a family of their own so the the close to the family is not always a good indicator no yeah i think the friends would probably a better indicator yeah yeah friendship groups yeah yeah so for you if you want so you obviously want somebody sociable and outgoing if you want somebody with families and friendships so understanding that person because you're good

Starting point is 00:27:05 to go then because if your non-negotiables are all met in a way that's conversational out of interest style you can do that because you've got nothing to lose yeah before you go out on the day so you like the look of him he's not compromised any of your non-negotiables the rest is open to whatever you want it to be yeah unless you're always looking for a problem and then it will never be yeah which is probably my problem i think because yeah i i you know there are nice people that i've met and then sometimes I find a minute problem and you have to realize that perfection doesn't exist so do you like a bad boy not bad no I don't think no what are your so what are your green flags my green flags oh god um the things that I look for that I'm like yes someone like ambitious um i look for that i'm like yes someone like ambitious um someone that's ambitious and hard working like the career stuff is quite big for me okay just let me just pattern interrupt

Starting point is 00:28:12 there right somebody's ambitious and career driven is really important to me but i want children okay yeah so we can have two ambitious, career-driven individuals that want children. Okay, so we're already getting to a point of conflict before you've even met him, right? Because are you prepared, if you want children, to compromise your ambitions and your drive whilst he invests in that whilst you're being a mum or if he chooses to become the stay-at-home dad or or the primary care are you prepared to compromise there the best relationships have a blend of strengths and weaknesses if we're looking to date someone like ourselves there's going to be a competition for who gets the space okay yeah so just be aware

Starting point is 00:29:14 that if you're ambitious and goal-driven that's brilliant if you don't want children absolutely fantastic but if you want children where does the compromise come in then because if he's ambitious and goal-driven and he wants children, he's looking for a wife and a mother. He's not looking for a business partner. Can we be both? You can be both if you understand that one's going to grow at a different rate to the other.

Starting point is 00:29:46 If you both want to be there on the offset and throughout the whole lot, unless you've got money for nannies and you want somebody else to raise your other children, at some point someone's dreams are going to be compromised. The reality of it is. Of course you can eventually be both. So it might be that someone's going to university to get their master's and the other one is working. So and then the other one has now got their master's and maybe they want to go to a job. But somebody, the other partner wants a child.

Starting point is 00:30:18 So it's about be careful what you wish for, because you might get it. OK, yeah. be careful what you wish for because you might get it okay yeah so i would suggest my if you were in therapy or coaching with me which you would be in coaching because of your scores not my suggestion would be for you go away and write your life down on a piece of paper at 35 what does your life look like what does your day look like what does your week look like right because at the moment what you're going from is the version of you that wants to be the best version of you that you can right but you're not going to be a me any longer you're going to be a we and what does that look like what is it that you want to change and how can you see that being so one of my clients is is really he flies around the world

Starting point is 00:31:06 he's he's a he's a hire he's got a lot of money and he prefers traditional women but at the same time he's got commitment issues so when we looked at at 40 for him his age was what did your life look like so he said oh i'm getting up in the morning. I'm opening the balcony and I can see the beach. And I'm going to have a leisurely breakfast. It's going to be this, that and the other. And then I'm going to go and play golf. And I'm like, so who's at the breakfast table? And he said, my wife.

Starting point is 00:31:36 And he shocked himself. He had no idea he wanted to be married. Oh, really? So he could see the sea, he could see the Gulf, he could see the apartment, but he couldn't see her. Okay. Until I asked him who was at the breakfast table. So that's what my suggestion would be working with you on your scores

Starting point is 00:31:58 is future pace, called future pacing, future pace 35, what does my life look like? Okay. From in the morning to the whole week like and if it looks good to you then that's what you want to achieve but if it's like hell no look look what i'm doing that's not who i am okay i might yeah i'm gonna do that and that's going to give you a clearer idea of who what your soul is looking for in its mate because 28 to 35 is the soulmate seeking phase 21 to 28 is the self-seeking phase 32 to sorry so self-seeking phase 21 28 28 35 nest building is soulmate seeking okay and 35 to 42 is usually um uh purpose seeking okay

Starting point is 00:32:51 spirituality and purpose right okay oh there's a lot to unpack here yeah i will bombard you like i say um so i think we might go we might have to go for our finale question, which is the one question I'm going to throw back at you, which today is, I mean, you've kind of given us some of your non-negotiables already. What are some of your personal boundaries? In terms of? So, or is a boundary the same as non-negotiable no it's not no okay boundary isn't is this is what i will accept in a relationship yeah

Starting point is 00:33:35 negotiable is what i won't accept uh in a person yeah in in terms of these so i guess they are in a way but personal boundaries for me in relationships yeah um for me i'm audio so because i'm audio there don't ever raise your voice to me oh okay yeah i'm audio i can't you may as well have slapped me like that would be the a big thing that would just have yeah don't don't kind of i don't do anger i don't do shouting i don't do i literally shut down so in relationships um when we're in we're going through any kind of trauma with this fight flight or freeze right so being audio so that's important for the person to understand if they raise their voice to me i i go into freeze mode okay so that's a non-negotiable put your hands on me obviously it's a non-negotiable it should be for anybody um that putting hands on me for um the other is being interested in my work i find

Starting point is 00:34:33 that a lot of men are kind of they they don't understand it's important to them what they do but isn't necessarily important uh for the work that the woman does so that would be when you asked me earlier that would be a massive green flag for me that they were interested in your work and what you do and why you do it and who you are yeah i'm audio so it's got to be a good communicator it's got to be somebody who is very open and honest so there's another exercise that i do called the core values and unfortunately for me my core values are honesty and integrity which are freaking boring right it means i can't lie i can't do anything illegal it means they're my core values and if i ever go against them so again in a relationship honesty and integrity is important yeah i'd much

Starting point is 00:35:24 rather know that you're dating other women. And it's not an issue for me if you're dating other women. What's an issue is if you tell me you're not and you are. So they are my personal boundaries. B, show up as who you tell me that you are. Don't show up as who you think I need you to be. Yeah. Or who you want to be but aren't and that's our job to kind of sit back as the as the receiver of love is to sit back and say am i is

Starting point is 00:35:57 this person authentically being who they're meant to be because that's the only way you're ever going to get and i was really impressed by a client recently when you do the core values there's 44 values and authenticity wasn't on it and she asked me could i choose and can she choose authenticity i was like you go girl yeah because that's the basis of love self-love is showing up for yourself as you and real love is about being able to be that authentic version of you in a relationship with someone else and whether that's a romantic relationship whether it's with your sister whether it's with your mum if you can't be who you are and give them space to allow them to be who they are then is their love because that's what it basically is and that's what a relationship after seven years will rely on yeah I think I'm gonna go away and write all of this

Starting point is 00:36:54 down so when you asked my green flags earlier I feel like I was like what are they but everything you just listed in boundaries really aligned with me like that's everything i wish i'd been able to just like reel out so maybe it's just something i need to like write down because you knew it that's who you show up as yeah letting somebody you know what people do they try and compromise other people to show up who they need them to be i'm going to give you an example and this is i had to laugh is this have you ever watched 90 day fiance yes i feel like i have absolutely love it because it's long distance relationships and everything like that and they're mad and people that go on those shows tend to be very extrovert and out there anyway but this woman

Starting point is 00:37:36 from gloucester married a man and went to meet the guy in columbia and this is what you absolutely never ever do if you want a healthy relationship he was in the he was a rap artist and she'd somebody had said that he'd been sleeping with prostitutes who were working in the video so she said she had to bring it up she waited about three or four days to bring up something that important anyway so and she did it at dinner in a public place like what and this is how she related to him so i have to know i understand that somebody has told me that you may have been sleeping with prostitutes when you did your video and this is all in translator app by the way right so um because and is it true because if it is i cannot marry you and i'm going home today do you think for one moment that guy's going to turn

Starting point is 00:38:30 around and go yeah i did no do you need to be more in inquire mode you've had loaded that question to get the information you can't you want so that you do so when you find out later that that's exactly who he was you didn't give him a chance to show up as who he was and make your decision you forced him to tell you what you wanted to hear so that you could continue the fairy tale right so it would just been better being like did you do this rather than Rather than be like, or I won't marry. Right. So what should have happened is, look, I understand that for these videos, that there's a lot of women around, there's a lot of people that are sexual. And at the end of the day, we're not in the same country.

Starting point is 00:39:17 So I kind of just need you to be honest with me. Did anything take place? It doesn't matter whether she's a prostitute or not. I mean, it's irrelevant. Yeah. You know, did anything take place doesn't matter whether she's a prostitute or not i mean it's irrelevant yeah you know um did anything take place because i'd rather start from a place of honesty than from a lie give him the chance to be who he is to show up it's who he is yeah once you get that information if you turn around and say well yeah there were a couple of girls we did come to and you know i've got to be honest with you it's true then you go away make your decision but what a lot of people tend to do is show up tell people

Starting point is 00:39:51 this is what i need you to tell me in order for me to date you so we must always make the soil fertile for truth because rather than finding out who you're dating 10 years into your marriage and two kids try as much as you can before you give your heart away there's two types of people in the world to sum up really there are good people who do bad things and there are bad people who do good things. Information is power for you to do the best that you can to choose the best potential partner for you. Whatever you learn in that journey then is what you were meant to learn. That's why there's no failed relationships. If you had to learn that you're not very good at setting boundaries and that as a result you you you got financially abused that's learning that you can take to the next

Starting point is 00:40:53 relationship if you go to the next relationship you get financially abused again stop dating there's something wrong that you need to invest in in you before there's a third and a fourth time so it is about being honest with yourself showing up as yourself being real with yourself not asking other people to carry your fairy tale along with you because it's going to have an unhappy ending well thank you so much for coming on we've've learned so much. We're going to need you on again. Blow your minds. Yeah, there's a lot to think about. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:41:31 And just take away from today. All I say to clients at the end of our sessions is take away whatever landed with you. Let everything else go. But there will be one or two nuggets that have landed with you today. And that's for you. The rest will be for someone else everyone will take a different takeaway from from your podcast today your podcast next time whatever it is two things

Starting point is 00:41:54 that landed with you they're the ones that are meant for you thank you for having me it's been lovely yeah well thank you so much um where can people find out where they lie on their love life and happiness the happiness rating this is so important you don't have to be a client yeah so we're rebranding at the moment from the love coach into life and love.me because i do much more than relationships as you can hear i do a lot of uh emotional health like i said i don't want to call it mental it's emotional well-being emotional health and relationship things so the new website is lifeandlove.me which I love that we could get that lifeandlove.me because that's what we're here to doing the old website is still up which is the lovecoach.co.uk but that will be going shortly lifeandlove.me go on there you'll see

Starting point is 00:42:39 the wheels take it you get your instant submission feedback you can submit it to me if you wanted to do your first session and get a full a full analysis of where you're at across the life of love and but if not you can do that take your scores and in six months time do it again see where you're at and see your growth or see your recession because if you avoid the areas that are say for instance five now in six months time you might see them as threes and twos going downward so then you know you need some professional help so life's for loving that's all we're really here for so just get on and do it take some risks girl oh thank you it's been so nice i've learned loads and of course and then go to the website to follow you see what

Starting point is 00:43:33 you do and potentially as well yeah yeah perfect thank you tj gibbs there and you can follow the days dates podcast wherever you go streaming platforms you might be watching this on YouTube as well and yeah give the page a follow on Instagram and I'm Daisy Bell Daisy Dates Podcast on TikTok and Daisy Bell on TikTok as well

Starting point is 00:43:52 and I'll see you next time

Daisie Dates - EP 16 PART 2| Are you ready to show up AUTHENTICALLY?

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