Daisie Dates - EP 24 | Should we feel a 'SPARK?'

Episode Date: April 12, 2024

Thanks for coming back for another episode! This podcast is for everyone, whether you're single, dating, uninterested in a love life right now or in a relationship! There's lots of little nuggets in this episode you can take away in various aspects of your Life! Joining me today is Pippa May, who brings her unique insights and experiences to the table. Get ready for an enriching conversation as she shares more about the incredible work she does with her clients and the lessons she's learned dating and falling in love, too. She's very open about her own journey in finding love, the boundaries she put in place for herself, the self-confidence journey she went on and when she really felt that her current partner was THE ONE! I also chat about some of my past bad dating decisions and where I've completely deterred nice men away, through hyper independence! We dive into feminine and masculine energies and the different dynamic between these energies. We're also delving into some soul-nourishing topics. We discuss the importance of not punishing ourselves if we want to improve something about ourselves—let's ditch the "I'm too much this" or "I'm not enough that" mindset! Also - dating apps aren't necessarily the enemy—as long as we use them mindfully and not when we're feeling hungover, tired, or anxious, etc... So, cozy up, enjoy whilst getting ready for a date, or make your car journey go A LOT quicker & get ready for some thought-provoking discussions. Let's navigate this weird and wonderful doesn't-come-with-a-handbook-World of dating and relationships. Enjoy & remember to rate it if you like it! You can send your dating dilemmas, issues and questions to: Insta: @daisiedatespodcast & the Daisie Dates Facebook Group, too! P.S This is a relationships and dating podcast which is in the podcast charts. I cover mindset, heartbreak, rewiring thoughts and we chat all things finding love, as well as finding ways for being happy single and embracing dating, choosing to not date at all or just having fun!  Follow everywhere Insta: @daisiedatespodcast and @daisiebelleTikTok: @daisiebelle6 @daisiedatespodcast PLEASE like and subscribe or leave a review - every little helps and this podcast is produced, presented, filmed and edited by me. Dais xo Music from #Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/mood-maze/trendsetter License code: 46EWPILNCQGGTFKQ

Hello, welcome back to the Daisy Dates podcast. I'm Daisy and we discuss all things dating, relationships, mindset, heartbreak, dating apps and everything that comes in between all of that to do with love. Today I'm joined with Pippa, a dating and relationship coach for high achieving women who want to attract a loving and healthy relationship and I'm so excited that we've got her on because our content just absolutely hits and I've been following her for a little while now so I'm very excited. Pippa, welcome. Thank you so much, I can't now so I'm very excited. Pippa welcome. Thank you so much I can't wait I'm so excited. Yeah it's great to have you on I think we're gonna really unravel a lot of lessons today. I normally start with like a this or that game but I'm changing it up a little bit

for this season. I'm just gonna ask you three kind of quick fire questions if that's okay with you. So the first one is before we get into everything and I'm sure everything will unravel a little bit more into the conversation but what advice do you wish you could give to yourself when dating years ago I think the best piece of advice I could have given myself and for my experience in particular was just know your worth basically know that you deserve more know that you yeah you can ask for more know that you're lovable and everything will unfold from there I love that what's a mistake that you used to make when dating um choosing the wrong guys all the time all the time we'll get into that I'm trying to give you quick answers three words to describe your current relationship

okay so safe um adventure and I think expansive. Oh okay yeah okay elaborate on that. So I think safe is just like the first word that comes to mind because I'm with someone now where we've gone through a lot we've been together over five years we've been long distance we've went through the pandemic we've lived with each other's family members we've just finished building works we've gone through a lot together and it feels like he very much is the calm within all of that so it always feels very safe and and secure um and also in who he is is very protective and it always makes me feel like someone's got my

back and is looking out for me um adventure I just think the probably my favorite thing about being in love and being in an amazing relationship is that you get to enjoy all of life but you have someone doing the ride with you so So you have someone like your partner on crime on this adventure with you. So you have your goals, he has his goals, and you work out how you're going to, I don't know, mash those together to create like an incredible life for yourselves. And the final one, expansive. I think that comes from, you know, I did so much work on myself to get into a relationship personally. And then obviously now with my clients, I do so much work with them when they're single and they're looking for love. But there's something about being in,

again, a safe relationship with a healthy partner where you kind of learn so much more about yourself you learn so much more about your even your insecurities but the things that you love the things that you're interested in you know when I was dating and having casual relationships you know there was never any space to expand who I was as a person because I was so busy trying to chase or get validation or, you know, be wanted that I didn't have time to really sit in it and learn more about myself. Whereas in a healthy relationship, there's so much healing that you can do because you learn and unpack so many parts of yourselves. So that's why I say expansive. Yeah, I love that. that that's so true I remember when I was dating so much and there were moments where you know I'd get the job I really wanted or

something great would happen and I'd celebrate these small wins in life and I remember always thinking like oh when will the day come when I'll get to celebrate that with someone and I always celebrate like enjoying every moment of being single but when you can just have that person to celebrate with that you know it isn't your family or your friends it's just that person it it does feel really really nice and I think expansive was such a great roundup I hadn't even thought about that but you're right like there's been so much just in eight months of being with my current partner where I'm like oh I'm actually a really calm person in relationships I didn't know that because I've always been so chaotic in a way because I've always been so anxious that they're just like

gonna leave me that day I'm never gonna hear from them but I just don't get that anymore so I love that that's a good word I'm going to take that forward so let's talk about 2024 and dating how do you begin when you get a new client where do you begin when it comes to helping someone find love like this is such a broad topic and everyone's different everyone's looking for different things as well where do you even start so I always start with what do you want and like what do you want from a relationship how do you want to feel in the relationship what are your values in a relationship because I think having a clear vision especially in 2024 because I know there's a lot of like negativity around the dating scene and there's a lot of fatigue around dating apps and things like that I think if you've got a clear vision and you know why you are you know putting yourself out

there you know why you are doing the inner work you know why you are you know sometimes going on dates that don't go exactly how you have planned and you can can have that clear vision of where you're going it changes how you show up up in those experiences because you're like, you know, okay, this guy wasn't the one, but I've got my vision and I'm going to keep going because I've got that clarity. So I always start with what do you want? And then after we know what they want, it's like, what's stopping you? So what's the challenge? What's your pattern been? I think dating patterns are really important. So for example, you know, I've mentioned a little bit about mine. I chased unavailable men. You know, I found that that was a crazy spark. It was the classic kind of anxious and avoidant attachment style and working

together where I was very anxious and I wanted love and I wanted to be obsessed with someone and I wanted to fight for it because I genuinely thought that meant that it was the most meaningful most passionate relationship and they didn't want that and they were quite emotionally unavailable and that was my pattern and I didn't even think I I didn't realize I was doing it for a very long time like three or four years I had no idea I was doing it so then we've got to understand okay what are the mistakes that we keep making and sometimes those mistakes are our behaviors but also sometimes the challenges that we're facing is our own internal dialogue and our own

beliefs on ourselves and also on the dating world so a belief on ourself might be something along the lines of you know I'm not good enough of, you know, I'm not good enough, I'm not attractive enough, I'm not interesting enough, I'm too old, you know, it could be anything like that. Or a belief on the dating sphere or relationships could be, you know, relationships are hard, dating is, you know, relentless, you know, beliefs that all the good men are gone. And so you've got to work on those mindset parts as well as your behavior, because they kind of work together, to be honest. The better your mindset is, the stronger your beliefs and thoughts are about yourself and

dating and love. That shifts your behavior. And then the more your behavior, the more of your behavior you kind of embody, but also practice dating or practice pushing yourself out of your behavior you kind of embody but also practice dating or practice pushing yourself out of your comfort zone the more you learn to kind of have new beliefs too so they work in tandem yeah there's a common narrative isn't it I mean I'm seeing the word trash a lot which I absolutely hate like men are trash like on social media and I do hate that because it's so rubbish because you know generally as well we can meet not very nice people but also we might have been triggering them to not be their best self as well so like it doesn't necessarily mean I can look back now at a lot of exes and be like I don't think they're a bad person and one day they'll

probably make a good partner but just at the time what we were doing to each other it just weren't good and so rewiring that narrative I think is is really important isn't it because there was a time I was a little bit like that I didn't openly talk like that online but in friendship groups I'd be like oh they did this again of course they did it's what men do and actually I was then just attracting more of those men rather than I was ignoring the good, safe, sensitive, kind, emotionally available men that wanted relationships. I would go on a date and a man would say they're looking for a relationship. And I'd be like, oh, my God, why is he telling me that on a first date? And I wasn't appreciating that. And that drastically changed for me in the last few years when I realized that was a good thing

because I was looking for that too so how do you how can you rewire those thoughts like to date more positively well I think the first thing is awareness so like men is trash is such a common one and it's such a you know if you're looking for love you need to stop saying that I know it's fun sometimes with the girlfriends just like bash men um you know we've you're looking for love, you need to stop saying that. I know it's fun sometimes with the girlfriends, just like bash men. You know, we've all done it, myself included. But the truth is, when you're putting that out to the world, like, and you're saying that to yourself, everything you say, you're telling to yourself as well as you're saying to someone else. And the more you tell yourself that, I mean, what is the result of telling someone that men, yourself that men are trash? Okay well there's kind of two options, one you're going to just

lower your standards completely because all men are trash so why would you bother expecting more or two you're going to avoid dating because why would you want to date if all men are trash and you kind of do it on a subconscious like playing field, you might not even realize you're doing it. But, you know, with the belief side of things, that's why the awareness is so important. So, you know, one of the exercises I like to do on like masterclasses I run with clients is, well, there's kind of two things that you can do. So one of them is like, what is your instant reaction when I say like dating is, like, what is the first word you think of or men are like or men think I am and it's like you know the the instant reaction is what your kind of

inner thought is your inner belief so for example when I do this um you know in a master class people might say um dating is hard dating is stressful men think I'm too much you know all of these beliefs so we've got to become really aware of it then we have to be really self-compassionate because we cannot change beliefs by being more horrible to ourselves because often these beliefs they're negative beliefs and you know I always say to my clients like they're often they're like no but it's just true and it's like there could be truth in some of the beliefs you hold it's like a venn diagram if you imagine like there's a fact and then there's fiction and then in between there is the belief part like there is some of it that might be true okay dating might be slightly harder than it was 80 years ago okay that could be true

but also there's loads of cases out there right now where people have met people like 50% of people meet their partner on app. So clearly it's not all bad. So it's kind of choosing what you, what you want to believe. And so that's how we start to challenge the belief. So we're compassionate. We understand that it's there. We don't blame ourselves for it, but we have to start, you know, challenging that that narrative so I used to have such a strong narrative that um you know I never meet anyone I like I like or the people I like don't like me back um and it was like okay or like no one ever likes me enough to commit and then I I remember looking back at sort of my dating history and I was like well there was this guy that really liked me and

wanted something there was this guy but I just didn't want them because I you know I was very much in that headspace of chasing people who are unavailable but it's like that challenging of it okay well it's not true because there were people who did like me um and then you've got to start choosing a kind of a better belief so a really common one and one that you, really I had for a long time was I'm never going to meet someone. I just had that. I kept telling myself that. And that's, you know, a really harsh thing to say. I mean, a good rule of thumb is would you say it to your best friend? If your friend was single and she was dating and she was really struggling to meet someone, but she wanted to, would you have to say, you know what, babe, you're never going to meet someone? You would

never say that. You'd say, you you know you just got to keep going for it there's someone out there for you you know you would those are the thoughts that we need to start telling ourselves um and so with that one I changed it to like um it only has to happen once I remember saying to myself like only I only have to meet this person once and I could be with them for the rest of my life and I found that a really optimistic replacement and something that I could believe because it's true it did only have to happen once um and so that was a really good replacement for that thought that I'm never going to meet someone so to recap quickly it's the awareness compassion challenge it and then choosing another belief. Yeah, to fully rewire those thoughts. It's so relatable. I've literally gone through all of

those stages with you. And I'm like, I was like that. And I've looked back and I'm like, I met this really kind guy. I mean, this is like 12 years ago, but he like booked Wimbledon tickets on the second, for the second date. And I remember being like, oh, too much. Why has he done that? And now I'm like, that was so lovely. And I really was not kind about that. And it's so weird when you are on the other side, when you look back for that. A little bit earlier, you mentioned about chasing this spark.

Yeah. What is your advice on this spark um that everyone seems to talk about so I think to separate it chemistry is obviously like the getting on with each other and kind of understanding each other and having a vibe with each other but then people talk about this? What is it? So first of all, it's completely valid to want to have chemistry and to want to have attraction to the people that we're with, you know, that's healthy, that's normal, that's natural. Where it can become an unhealthy dynamic is when we're not actually attracted to that person because, you know, you know, our energies align, but we're not actually attracted to that person because, you know, our energies align. But we're attracted to that person because a pattern from as young as our childhood is being activated.

So, for example, a classic one is, you know, this one I described of really being obsessed with, you know, I have one person in particular who for three years I was obsessed. I thought that we had the most incredible connection chemistry. No, nothing would ever rival it, but actually it was just that every time I saw him, it was like a really fun occasion, a night out, a holiday. And, um, and then it's, it felt like it was going somewhere and then I wouldn't hear from him and then it would all go, but that time was so special. And what I was chasing there was validation. And we call this like the anxious and avoidant trap and attachment styles. And this is the spark that we have to watch out for. It's the feeling of, um,

it's the feeling of um it's from learning that in order to to be loved and in order to feel loved we have to um chase it so we have to win it over we have to be validated for it we have to earn it so when we feel that way we get these little nuggets of love that we've earned and then they come away with again and it's triggered us again to be like okay we need to go and earn that love again and that's the spark that's really dangerous so you should feel attraction and how can you know the difference I think this almost takes being a little bit of a bit a bit logical um you know being able to take a bird's eye view on the person you're dating it's like is this actually healthy? If my friend was having this relationship, is it healthy? Would I think that there was no one out there for her apart from this guy?

And, you know, how are they actually treating me? Is the baseline of like respect, consistency, effort, are they there? And if they're not there, then it's a good chance that it's just a spark that you're chasing and just this moment of passion and we kind of learn that actually we basically our brain learns that the moments that we do get that bit of attention that's love and we get very almost addicted to that feeling of having that love back and that's the spark whereas if you know that someone's treating you well putting in effort you can kind of bird's eye view it, you can see, oh look, they planned a date, they're messaging me consistently, you know, they're, you know, they're asking me questions about my inner world and my personal

life and they're genuinely interested and you also are really attracted to them, that's great, that's perfect, you know, I was very attracted to my partner when I met him it wasn't that there was no chemistry or there was no you know I thought he was so fit I was like I loved it um but there was also this sort of like baseline of effort and consistency from him and then within myself there was also a very strong sense of I will walk away if this isn't what I want like I had really learned that I was willing to walk away from a relationship that wasn't going to be you know a serious relationship I didn't want a casual relationship and that gave me the confidence to really enjoy the the relationship we were building because I had the strength of knowing that I would walk away if it wasn't what I wanted. Yeah that's important

isn't it and that comes from a place of like building good self-esteem doesn't it which I know is like number one when you get a client as well. Yeah absolutely like self-esteem self I always refer to it as self-worth because I feel like self-worth is the knowing you deserve love without needing to be any different in the sense that you don't need to look a different way you don't need to be funnier you don't need to be anything else like I genuinely believe that every single person on this planet is worth the same amount and you can see that like a baby when they're born they don't question whether they deserve to be fed or loved they just know that they deserve to be loved it's survival and so they cry and they they demand

that love and and we all have that within us you know and we all deserve that love and when we know that we know that we are enough as we are and you know by the way I don't feel like I should have to caveat this but I'm going to obviously that doesn't mean you can't by the way, I don't feel like I should have to caveat this, but I'm going to. Obviously, that doesn't mean you can't work on yourself. OK, I actually think the best way to work on yourself is from a place of loving yourself, but also recognizing that you do have flaws. You know, I don't sit here and think, wow, I'm just so perfect. You know, I just think I'm still lovable, even though I have my flaws, and I'm going to work on those, regardless. But from that place, you don't settle, you don't allow yourself to be treated badly, you have the confidence to walk away when things are,

you know, are not healthy. You know, you have the confidence to walk away when things aren't available and I think also when you build that self self-worth and self you also build self-trust and I think that's really important in dating um you know that you can handle what comes like the trust that if you do attract someone um who isn't a good partner you can trust yourself to walk away or if you do have a challenge with your partner down the line you can trust yourself to approach that you know and be open in your communication like I think self-worth the more self-worth you have the more trust you have which means it's easier to face the fears that you have on dating because so much of the challenge with finding love is the fears that

you hold so the fear of rejection the fear of um being hurt again the fear of being cheated on the fear of the unknown the fear of um you know failure the fear of success even okay what if I do get this amazing relationship and I mess it up or it goes wrong and I'm alone again so self-worth helps with all of those things yeah you're so right because when I look back at some guys I've dated I've like not changed I've changed myself in terms of I've always been myself personality wise but like look wise like you know I'd have a guy coming over um spending a weekend or whatever so I'd like fake tan I'd do my hair I'd make sure that I'd had my hair done like my roots done and I'd make sure that I had maybe new underwear and new clothes and new everything then when I met my nail partner I

never felt like I needed to do that which was a moment of I was like oh why am I not obsessed with this person why why do I not need to go out and feel like I want to buy underwear does that mean that I'm not like I'm not feeling it and actually it wasn't it was just because no matter what he just always was like you look you look amazing and it was all just genuine all of the time and you you spoke about flaws and it's so cute because when you actually do find a great partner you love each other's flaws so like my partner is awful time keeper he's someone that will like cook dinner and everything will be ready at different times and now like I think it's like really cute that he you know but I used to be like oh that's so

annoying but that's when you know like I get really stressed about time I'm a really timely person and he actually really enjoys that about me he doesn't he doesn't get annoyed that I get really stressed about time anymore and I think that's where like love really happens when you just allow each other to be and you realize that you don't have to actually change yourself when the person is right or healthy for you because I didn't do all that you know I think two months in maybe even less he sat with me for like three nights in A&E and you know hair scraped back no makeup I was in so much pain I couldn't care how I looked and it didn't it didn't matter because it was with him yeah honestly it's those moments that I feel like just change everything I always

I always think that when I think about my partner I'm like the moment I was like oh I know that he's like and actually I think I had it before that. But this was a really solidifying moment was probably a year and a half into our relationship. And it was actually it was two years into our relationship. It was COVID. And I had just honestly had the biggest panic attack in the night that I'd got COVID. I don't know why I was so worried. But it was right at the beginning when it was really scary. And I thought if I fell asleep, I was going to going to stop breathing and you know when you get in your head about your breathing patterns yeah I was saying to him and it was a Sunday and we'd actually drunk quite a lot the night before so both a little bit hungover and tired and we both wanted to sleep

and I said you have to watch me sleep because I'm so scared I'm going to stop breathing but I just honestly I was having a panic attack and um I fell asleep anyway I was fine I woke up at like 12 or whatever we'd gone to bed at like you know 9 30 10 really early because we were tired and he was just sitting there with like the lights watching me and I was like oh my god you actually you actually weren't like listen to me and made sure I didn't die and I remember thinking wow like someone's willing to just sit there. And it's so silly because it was like a year and a half, two years into a relationship, but it, you know, I wasn't on death's doorstep. I had just really worked myself up in my head that there was going to be something wrong and that was still enough. And I always just, I always say to him, like, I know that's why I feel so safe. You know,

you've got someone who's going to do that and and be there and be consistent and you know look out for you and it's such a great feeling um but yes and I I totally feel that and the same thing about you know what we're saying is I don't feel I also feel like the people who really love you they they don't need you to always be looking 100% best or acting your 100% best and actually a big thing for me so you can't see it on this video but I was born with a birthmark on my face and I've always been quite insecure about it a big shift that happened for me was before when I was dating like the first thing I'd do is make sure that I'd covered my birth mark like you know if a guy was waking up next to me blah blah blah like I would be really nervous about showing it with this with my partner even from the very beginning I never even thought about

it I never even like tried and it was very much a me thing actually like it was him as well he just didn't care but it was me who said actually you know what like that's still lovable and you know I still deserve you know it's an imperfection a facial imperfection yeah sure it's not ideal I'm I don't love it if I could not have it I probably would opt for that but it is who I am and I accept that and the person I'm with has got to accept that too and I feel like that had never happened before this partner. But it was very much like people react to how you feel about yourself. So it was led by me.

It was me being okay with it, which then meant he didn't even, like it didn't even cross his mind. That's amazing, isn't it? That shift when it happens like that. Yeah. Yeah, that's amazing. Online, you talk a lot about the masculine feminine this is such a broad topic I think it's a little bit complex a lot of different

accounts have different definitions of you know the feminine and the masculine and obviously I'm sure most people listening probably know that the feminine doesn't mean being a woman it's like the different energies that you put out there what's your definition because I know that you have this really great post about fire and water can you just explain that a little bit more yeah absolutely so um yeah so I think what's really important with the feminine masculine dynamics is men women regardless of your you know gender your orientation, this energy is a dynamic that lives within all of us. So I have masculine energy, I have feminine energy. And the idea is that, so the masculine energy, a healthy masculine energy is more of the doing energy, it's giving,

it's got more structure, it's more strategic, it's more logical. The feminine energy is more of a being energy, it's more nurturing, it's more emotional, it's softer. And I think these energies are really important in dating. So it depends also what you want, you know, what you find attractive in a partner too. But for me, I always found like the masculine qualities quite attractive. Like I love like rugby players and things like that. I'm like, yes, maybe a Viking. And I always found that quite attractive.

And, you know, I think that that played out in the kind of relationship I form with my partner he's quite in his healthy masculine um in the dating world he he really led on the dates but what I like to also kind of talk about um and it's the masculine feminine when they're together when they're polarized that's supposed to create the attraction and the spark and the chemistry um So, but what I like to think about as well as how those dynamics play out within us when we're dating. So it's all very well wanting to be soft and emotional and vulnerable, these incredible feminine qualities so that you attract in this, you know, really masculine man who just wants to like provide for you and protect

you and all of those things, that's really all good and well. But the truth is the only way that we can be that water energy, so that feminine, you know, fluid, you know, being energy is when we have standards and boundaries, which is a masculine energy within us, you know, it's the fire. It's the, it's the ability to walk away like I said earlier the ability to walk away from someone if they're not going to treat you the way you want to be treated when you've got the fire energy it creates like a safe container for you to then soften and be vulnerable and be open and you know receive as well like allow

someone to take you out for dates plan dates all of those things but you need in my opinion you need to have your masculine working with you in the dating world too because you need to be able to say no and think about things logically like I said earlier like sometimes you've got to you can't always just be thinking about your you know emotional side you've got to think okay logically is this person you know consistent is this person you know someone someone who's going to be a good partner um you know especially like if you think about being with someone for the next 20 30 40 50 years and having a family with them you do have to be a little bit logical you know um so yes that's how I see them um I do I do think it's important as well to like I think that sometimes and this is a mistake I've made um so I say this like vulnerably is when I first was really getting into masculine feminine dynamics

I would maybe use them in a way to make myself feel like not enough in the sense that I would say, oh, I need to be more feminine. I need to be more, you know, fluid and more magnetic and more in my body and da, da, da, da, da. And actually you've got to just be mindful not to use these tools as a way to kind of punish yourself or to make yourself feel bad about yourself but rather as like okay I am I see that I'm being like really um you know I'm really burnt out okay what would my feminine side do well she would rest and she'd relax and she'd do something that makes her feel really uh you know special or loved or whatever um so making sure that we don't use these as a way to kind of, you know, I think I see that sometimes when high achieving women in particular who,

you know, if they're working in high powered corporate jobs, you know, typically that is a more masculine dynamic. I don't want them to suddenly be like, I'm too masculine. I'm too, you know, you are who you are. You just need to know that you can tap into that other side of you as well so don't use it as a way to be like I'm too masculine I'm not in my body enough I'm not fluid enough I'm not being enough you know you are enough but just allow it to be like okay how can I switch off at the end of the day from my masculine energy and tap into my feminine so use it as a like a way to expand yourself rather than be be unkind to yourself I think that's an important um point I think that's really good advice because I remember thinking when I was struggling dating

it's because I'm too masculine like they don't like that I'm strong and and go after my career and I'm always at work and I'm like quite tough in that way. But then I'm so like really in other ways, like so girly and I want to be soft. I just don't think anyone like allowed me to be that. So I'm quite conscious now in my relationship, you know, if I'm getting loads of heavy bags out, I let him do it because he actually wants to. And sometimes he's like, let me, do you want me to hold your bag? And I'm like, no, I'm fine. And he's like, no, let me hold your bag. And now I used to be like, no, I'm an independent woman. I can do it. And I'm like, I don't he's like no let let me hold your bag and now I'm I used to be like no I'm

an independent woman I could do it and I'm like I don't need to be like that like yes you can hold my bag thank you no I never carry the suitcase I honestly like one time I went down this we've got so many stairs in our flat and I went down the stairs and he wasn't even coming away with me and my bag was still upstairs and I was like where's my bag like I loved it but he was like I have a sore back I was like okay fine I'll go when I got it but I was like I was so used to just you know but you also like it is what you want to do like some some people will want to be like it's when you're doing it from a place of like I have to be independent I can't rely on someone else I have to be like it's when you're doing it from a place of like I have to be

independent I can't rely on someone else I have to be in my masculine to protect myself to shield myself from any harm that's when it can be like a really good idea to look at okay what where is that coming from you know what's stopping me from softening what's stopping me from receiving um what am I scared of yeah that was actually in an episode with um a dating therapist that I that I had in season two and she told me like my hyper independence was like stopping me meeting people and I I was very single at the time and it was so true I was like I almost didn't want anyone to come in so I was like they'll destroy my independence yeah that's such a weird concept but I've since like looked into why that is I've kind of spoken about it a little bit on a previous

episode on my own because it is it was so weird I was just like deterring everyone like purpose yeah and if you think about it like I an exercise I like to say to my clients too just for the perspective pieces imagine you met a man and he just didn't like he was so independent he didn't want you to ever make him dinner he didn't want you to ever like you know rub his shoulders or whatever it is like you'd be like what is wrong with this guy like I'm trying to give love um you know and I think yeah it's it's always I always like to say like well like would you want to meet you like a male version of you you know when you and then back to the beliefs thing when I see um people saying like men are trash like would you want to be with a guy who goes around talking about how women are trash it's like no so yeah that's a really good

point to flip yeah yeah for sure and I know that some people I know that my boyfriend did at first when I used to talk to him about the femme masculine thing he struggled with the femme masculine like he was a bit like what so are you saying that I'm really feminine I'm like no you've got lovely traits in terms of you know the empathetic and the more sensitive and that's a good thing and he really didn't like he didn't get that like the feminine part of it not meaning that you know you're a woman because I'm saying so we changed it into more like animals like like be more lion when we wanted to be more in the mass do you know what I mean so we did like lion and tiger yeah because the words just weren't it just weren't working so I'll be like okay well

there's you know he's talking about a thing at work maybe getting a promotion I'm like well that's where you need to channel the lion and that's how we talk about it now yeah I love that and and that's not dissimilar to what like fire and water like I need to be in my water or I need to be my fire because I think I think the problem is we live in a society where I think we're trying to break down the social constructs that have developed over like thousands of years but also like to a point where it's being you know praised to be more masculine um or it's like it's quite like polarizing at the moment you know especially with this topic coming up and so I think it does help yeah to use to use other words

yeah absolutely so then let's talk about you a little bit in the sense of I think everyone's just not knowing you mentioned it earlier in 2024 with how the date in kind of landscape has changed everyone's so lost on where to go to find a date or how to date or are dating apps still a good thing so where did you find your partner was it in real life thing did you hang out at certain places yeah so really interesting conversation so I moved to New York um after like after I left university I worked for a bit in London and then I chose to do a sort of internship program in New York and he was doing the same internship program um not working in the same business but um basically you were all put in different companies but it was the same program so we had mixes we all kind of lived in the same apartment blocks um and then over time

like we just we just kind of got we got to know each other in the sense that we would like wave at each other say hi I always thought he was good looking I didn't like you know I didn't I didn't have that much expectation but I remember like walking past him and just like waving at him on the way to the gym and like I was quite like just open with him um and then one night we were at so so New York we're at a white party in Manhattan in the local financial district which I've always loved to say because it makes us sound so glamorous um and then that night we basically ended up exchanging numbers kissing um and then the following Friday we went on a date and then we just consistently started dating from there and our dating was so much fun because you know I he asked me on a date and then I honestly was

still in the headspace of like I'm not gonna hear from him it's not gonna happen and he called me on the Wednesday before the date on the Friday oh was thinking what the hell like who calls like wild um and he called me and I wasn't gonna ask for it because I was so scared and my friend was like pick up the phone Pippa like don't be ridiculous um and I picked it up and he was like oh so I've booked comedy tickets for Friday but I just wanted to make sure that that's fine with you and I was like I was like oh my god people do this this is so wild we're not splitting drinks at the pub like this is crazy um and then we just had the most amazing kind of um dating experience after like actually to be fair the whole dating I actually found dating in New York I think because of the

work I'd done before I moved there and the shift in identity I could have once I was there because I didn't know anyone yeah I found that there was so many like I went on so many better dates than I ever did in London wow um I was on dating apps for like four years um and I went on one date from them. Okay. But I did them so wrong. And I honestly, like, I don't want anyone to take away from this that I don't think dating apps are good. I think they're amazing. My sister met her partner on a dating app. I've got a bunch of close friends who did too. Most of my clients have gone on to meet their partners on dating apps. Like it's the number one way my clients have met people. And I think they're incredible.

So you just got to know how to use them. And you've got to, and also it's worth saying when I met my partner in person, I was on dating apps as well. Like it wasn't like I was off them or I was, you know, looking for guys there and like open to going on dates on them too. It just so happened that I met someone in person. So I guess what would my advice be? My advice would be stay on dating apps, enjoy them, use them when you're feeling good. Don't use them on a Sunday when you're feeling lonely and hungover because you've gone out with a friend tonight before and you're like, you know, miserable. I would use them when you're feeling good when you're feeling excited when you're

connected to that vision in a playful way like don't put so much pressure on them because you know you can meet someone in real life too now when it comes to real life I think it's all about creating opportunities so me moving to New York was pivotal because I had this whole new social circle I had this whole new I could have a whole new identity as well like I could release the um you know the some of the last beliefs I had in London um and the kind of bad experiences I'd had dating in London so that really helped so created the opportunities but you do not need to move away because this is another big thing that I hear so I often hear women say the problem is I had someone say she lived in Amsterdam the problem is it's the men in Amsterdam and I've had someone say oh the problem is it's this the men in this small town in Ireland she

was in and I had someone comment on a video saying the problem is it's where I live and it's like okay are you gonna move no then stop telling yourself that okay you've got to work with what you've got but you can create new opportunities and I think had I not met my partner there and you know I stayed in London I think even things like moving to a different part of the city you're living in or going to a bar you've never been to before, joining a class, joining a new gym, you know, so many different opportunities. Even if you make new girlfriends, you could make, they could, like their brother could be the one. So just feel like, I feel like approaching life with a yes energy naturally starts to attract more potential guys in. of my really good friends um is a really good example

of this and she's um she was single for quite a long time probably like four or five years in London and um she actually met her when I was living in New York and she met someone recently and now they're in an amazing relationship but it was a friend had come into town and invited her to this night and she wasn't sure if she wanted to go it was like some sort of like exhibition type thing um and she she was really tired and she just anyway in the end of it she said yes and this is how she met him she was there it was a friend of this other guy's and then basically it just goes to show putting yourself in different environments whilst also having the apps as an amazing tool remembering that all those people on the app are existing

in real life too um so I think that that's really important and then I do think I really am a strong believer in like the energy that you're giving out because you could be going to these new places these new bars on dating apps you know trying to meet all these new people but you if you're going in with the wrong energy you're not going to get what you want remembering that you are the prize you can attract you know you're you're a great catch you know allowing yourself to have fun thinking wouldn't it be nice if I met someone? Not if I don't meet someone tonight, then clearly this doesn't work. You know, having that openness, that lightness, that doing things for you for fun. I think I talk about a lot,

something else that was happening in New York when I met my partner. It's so strange, but I had gone out and got, I love baking and I'd gone out and bought like loads of baking equipment like the week before. And I was really focusing on just doing the things that I love for me you know and like you know whatever that hobby is I think filling yourself up and then approaching life and then approaching dates and again let's use the perspective of imagine a guy you want to be with are they going to this speed dating night being like I'm never never going to meet anyone. I've had a really crap day at work. I can't be bothered. Why am I here?

Like, that's not attractive. That's not going to make you look across the room and be like, that guy, that guy stalking in the corner is the one. It might be. You never know. Like, you could find each other. And that could be a love story. But just thinking about that as well.

So thinking about also the energy as well as you know what you're actually doing I think that's great advice because when you think of your self-dating you're so right like the person that is playing tennis on a Monday and then meeting up for a pub quiz on a Wednesday like the person that's got stuff about their life is is exciting and it makes you want to be a part of that so that's so so true um I've always asked like finale questions on my podcast and I think so many people we kind of touched on it when we said about the spark so many people are confused about how it's meant to feel I think especially if you do meet someone that's safe and and actually quite healthy it doesn't necessarily feel how you thought it might feel so your whole concept is like you went

from single as fuck to finding Mr Right so my question is how did you know he was Mr Right and when did you know was it like instant was it further down the line? No, you know what? Like, I think it was that moment where he watched me breathing. But I also think, I don't think I knew immediately. Like, I think it took me some time to be really honest, because it was very unfamiliar for me to be with someone who was communicating, to be with someone who was emotionally available and who was making an effort. I would say that the first sort of six, seven months, I almost felt like, okay, like I didn't know because it was my first long-term relationship. I think I was nervous. I think I still had some you know reservations but I think it was really after and then after about eight months we then went to long distance but it

was this weird feeling of it keeps getting better it keeps getting safer even as even as the years go by like my partner always says to me like like, we love each other more because we've gone through more, we know each other more. And I think that's how you know that someone's the one where you're just going to keep, and you do work for it sometimes, you know, it's not always easy, like life is stressful sometimes, but it's that willingness to come back and connect. And I think if you meet someone who you love and is good to you and wants to commit long term they are the one you know there's some and you know there's always going to be some challenges along the road and you do get to be attracted to them I think it's very important you know you should you get to be with someone that you find attractive, but it's, yeah, I do think

sometimes, you know, it's that, that, that love that's there, but also that willingness to keep committing when the going gets tough, so I think every year I feel it even more, but I think really after that sort of first, I think after the first year and what's funny is you know that's when this sort of honeymoon period starts you know wearing off too like they usually say it lasts from a year two years we're long distance which usually extends it a bit because you still have the like you know they're like doing your own thing then coming together for an amazing weekend and that was so fun like so passionate and you know things are still passionate but it's it's got a steadiness and a consistency and a safety that really came about like as the years go on so I don't know if that's

really answered the question no it has it has definitely yeah it has because and even recently when I said something to my partner like oh I really felt like really like this is going to be really really like long term and good after Dublin and Dublin was like quite far in well maybe four or five months he was like what you only felt it then I was like well yeah and then I was like well even Christmas and New Year I felt it then so you do get stages where you're like no this is good and I think maybe he thought that maybe he knew earlier or something. And he found that a bit jarring that maybe he was like, oh, so you weren't sure for like five months. And I was like, no, that's not what I'm saying.

I just knew I was really sure like Christmas even so recently and kind of like cemented it. Yeah. I like to be honest, like it took me about six months to be like I love you like I love like I know I love you yeah it's taken me a long time like that as well it took me a while and I think that's what happens when you haven't had you know a really healthy history maybe of dating men it's like the safety has to come and then I remember when I did feel like it I was like right I'm gonna burst like I have to express this and then I had one too many drinks and I expressed it um yeah and that was actually probably that was actually probably a big turning point um and he didn't

say it back immediately so we went to sleep and then he woke me up and said it because he wanted to say it when he was sober he's such a cutie I love it he's very unlike me had to get really drunk just to express myself and I'm the dating coach no but um I think that that that is like I think that there are stages you know they're saying that I have clients now who've been together with their partner they've moved quickly and I think that that can happen too there's not a right or wrong timeline it's how you feel and being connected to how you feel um that's so important oh thank you so much for joining us. There's been so many good nuggets in this episode. So thank you so much for your time as well.

And you can follow Pippa and you can follow Daisy Dates podcast on Instagram. You can follow me, Daisy Bell, on Instagram and TikTok as well. And the podcast is available absolutely everywhere. So wherever you're listening right now, it will be on all of the other apps should you need to know that information. Google, Amazon, Spotify, everywhere. I'll see you next time thank you so much