Daisie Dates - EP14 | Settle for Mr. Mediocre!

Episode Date: October 26, 2023

In this episode, I chat about my most recent dating experience... so if you fancy being nosy today, this one is for you! I'm also joined by Lauren Zamora, self declared sassy dating coach and she helps women get turned on by HEALTHY love - something I know so many of us (of all genders) struggle with! *Content in this episode can be applied to any gender... swap pronouns to make it applicable to you.* We discuss Mr. Mediocre, finding healthy love, stopping toxic patterns and healing as an ongoing journey. This episode is SO helpful for people single and dating, in the later stages of dating or even those in a relationship that are open to learn and understand themselves and their partner. We also chat about ACTING OUT towards a partner when we aren't used to someone making us feel calm and how our body is used to feeling anxiety, so feeling peace when dating can be tricky. FOLLOW ME: Insta: @daisiebelle @daisiedatespodcast TikTok: @daisiebelle6 @daisiedatespodcast The Daisie Dates Podcast is available on all streaming platforms. Follow Lauren at @deeperdatingcoach Grab a cuppa, LEARN and enjoy! P.S This is a relationships and dating podcast which is in the podcast charts. I cover mindset, heartbreak, rewiring thoughts and we chat all things finding love, aswell as finding ways for being happy single and embracing dating, choosing to not date at all or just having fun!  PLEASE like and subscribe or leave a review - every little helps and this podcast is produced, presented, filmed and edited by me. Enjoy the episode!! Dais xoxo

Welcome to the Daisy Dates Podcast. I'm Daisy and this is where we talk all things love, life, mindset and relationships. Today I'm joined overseas by Lauren Zamora, a marriage and family therapist and dating coach for women. Welcome. Thank you for having me. I'm so excited to be here. Yeah, very excited to have you. You are my first official overseas guest as well. And I always do a this or that. So I thought I would kind of make it Brits versus American today. So in in the idea of dating, try and relate it to that would you prefer afternoon tea or a coffee and a walk coffee and a walk

roast dinner date or a beach walk date beach walk cozy Christmas hot chocolates with like Christmas markets or sunset yoga oh I I think Christmas market. Okay that's quite Brit of you. Martinis or share a bottle of wine? Bottle of wine. Love it and a date to Times Square or a date on the London Eye? London Eye I'm gonna go on the London Eye very soon for my honeymoon when I'm there for like 24 hours before we go to Italy oh that's so exciting is that your first time in England second I went with my dad a couple years ago had an amazing time but need to go back for longer for sure oh amazing that'll be really romantic on the London Eye. You've got to do it. It's just a bucket list thing, isn't it? Kisses or hugs? Hugs.

And Netflix and chill or TV off and chat and chill? Hmm. Chat and chill. I'm a big chatter. I had a feeling you were going to say that, actually. And I know that's quite important to you as well within a relationship. So some of my British audience may not have found you yet. So can you introduce yourself from your point of view, maybe like how long you've been a therapist as well? Yeah. So my name is Lauren. I'm a marriage and family therapist turned dating coach. So I still do therapy, but now moving towards doing full-time dating coaching. I've been doing therapy for five years now, which is crazy. My first client I saw in 2019. And yeah, now I'm here specializing in

helping women find love. And this kind of, did you get into therapy originally because of maybe issues and things that you were experiencing in your own life? Yeah, absolutely. I definitely was kind of the cliche therapist of the family, therapist of my friends growing up. And I also just kind of wanted to understand why my family was the way they were, why things happened the way they did. I really was always interested in trying to understand and emphasize. And I was an angry, upset teenager. Part of my teen story was like my first love and it was very intense and upsetting. And I think I really felt misunderstood as a teen and I wanted to help teens originally and then as obviously I got older I started to really relate to women and their dating story and I realized how much that was part of the passion

and so now I'm here doing the dating coaching. Wow that is a really interesting story I am I think I followed you originally because I'm currently training to be a counselor and psychotherapist here um and that too was predominantly to kind of understanding behaviors around me and my own patterns and you're right I've also had those like all like immersive all consuming loves when I was younger um but now I know I deal with stuff much much better and I'm really proud of that journey myself as well so we'll get into that a little bit I think um but maybe what behaviors were you experiencing when dating I know you've got quite a few stories what was quite a prominent moment that you always kind of look back and reflect on I mean there's so many stories I've probably had some of the craziest

dating experiences like I was the friend that everyone was like, that would only happen to Lauren. Like just the craziest, like really my dating life could be a movie. Um, so there's so many, but I think, you know, if I really was looking back at like the craziest dating experiences, I think honestly, my high school relationship was like really Romeo and Juliet esque and very intense, very dramatic. And now looking back emotionally abusive, which I didn't realize that at the time. And I think that had a really big role in my dating patterns as an adult, whether I realized it or not. Now, of course, childhood impacted that. adult whether I realized it or not now of course childhood impacted that but I also was just a teenager like figuring out love for the first time and the fact that that was kind of my blueprint

to romantic love I think created a really unhelpful pattern into my adult life of seven years really of toxic dating so yeah you hit a good point there actually because no one gets taught about this stuff like we don't get taught behaviors in school um I mean even I don't know what it's like in the US but even like sex education here is pretty bad when you look back and then we you learn nothing about anything but there really is no like relationship advice at any point you just get thrown in and you have all these emotions. And especially if you do find like the love of your life that we probably can all think of between like maybe some people is like 14. For me, it was like 16 to 18, 19, 20.

That is so young when you see like people that age now to be dealing with so many other emotions as well as like school college university all of that yeah absolutely and developmentally when you are that age you are not able to see far in the future so like your world is everything the now is everything that's why we all kind of believe we're going to get married and we're going to be the high school sweethearts and we're going to run off into the sunset like we believe that wholeheartedly. And then you have adults kind of telling you that it's not going to happen, which makes you want to prove them wrong and hold on even longer, I think. And it just it's so frustrating that we don't have a class on relationships. And that's not part of our upbringing, because then we just do what we know what's familiar, what we grew up with, in some way or another, we recreate patterns.

what's familiar what we grew up with in some way or another we recreate patterns exactly and movies obviously don't help here because I've always like idolized a type of mine that does always happen to look at like the stereotypical head turner guy that is always like the guy that everyone wants in a movie and it is only recently I've been like Daisy you need to turn away from this so I know that this was kind of part of your cycle going for the same type um can you tell us a little bit about that what kind of types were you going for yeah well so I always thought I didn't have like a type as far as looks went like if you lined up all my exes, they really didn't look very similar. So I thought like, I don't have a type like I'm so I don't know, like wise, but really I did. And that type was avoidant men. It was the guy who maybe was a player or noncommittal. And I think I really

subconsciously wanted to live out that, you know, that romantic part in the movie where you get the player or the the non noncommittal guy to settle down with you to choose you. And that would make me feel so special and so important. And so when I would go on dates and a guy would be like just super into me, very like kind, very consistent, I would be like, don't feel anything. Don't feel a spark. Don't feel the sexual chemistry. There's no intensity here. I'm going to be mean to him because he's too nice. I'm just going to like cut this off now so I don't hurt anyone. And it really caused me seven years of constant disappointment and dating oh my goodness so many people are experiencing this same thing and you talk a lot on your social media about finding that calm and that consistent person and that person that like doesn't activate your nervous

system in the wrong way um you did an excellent post recently, which I've since directed people to when they've come to me. And I've been like, read this post because it just explains it perfectly. And that was your Mr. Mediocre post. Yeah. Can you tell us about Mr. Mediocre? Yeah, I love Mr. Mediocre. And I read a book something about like why you should settle for like Mr. Good Enough or something, I think a while back, too. So I can kind of that inspired it. But really, Mr. Mediocre is just the guy who is not confusing you, who's not leaving you guessing, who's not charming you. You know, I think love bombing feels so good when you go on dates with guys who don't put an effort and like are like doing bare minimum in the other way.

They're lazy. You can tell they're just there for sex and they don't put much effort in it. So then all of a sudden you meet the love bomber and he's super over the top and he tells you everything you've been wanting to hear and he charms the shit out of you. Sorry for the language. And you're like, ooh, this feels so good. Finally, someone who sees me for me and you feel so amazing about it. But really what's happening is if you're being honest with yourself, this person doesn't know you. They know nothing about you and they're

telling you you're the best person they've ever met, how amazing you are, how wonderful you are. And they create anxiety inside of you because reality is, you know, on some level that this feels off, but it also feels so good. So you hold on to it. You get excited. Here's your movie starting right now. But Mr. Mediocre doesn't do any of that. And so it can feel boring. It can feel too calm. And really, Mr. Mediocre is going to meet you right where you're at. He's just going to get to know you. He's not going to be saying all these amazing, wonderful things. He's not going to be promising you the world. He's going to be a regular person who's just getting to know you, caring, consistent, reliable. When he says he wants a date with you,

he plans a date with you. And it's going to be a slow burn with Mr. Mediocre. And I think the biggest thing is reliable, kind, considerate. And it's not going to feel exciting and sparks aren't going to be flying right away with Mr. Mediocre. But that's really the person that you want to end up with. And that slow burn, that burn does develop, that passion does get there but it's not going to be so intense and it's not going to be so quick yeah and this is a pattern that a lot of people are talking about on my podcast like maybe building that friendship first or that kind of true connection that doesn't involve like that that lust or like the the

ghoster that you described I had like my final ghoster where like earlier this year I was like okay this pattern needs to stop and you know he was like the ken like muscles tan gorgeous and there was just all this lust there but he was just saying so many words that didn't make a whole lot of sense and it was after him that I would say right this this had to be it Daisy like that had to be the last of my pattern and uh since it sounds horrible because mediocre is not a nice word but we all know what we are talking about here now you've explained it and I've been dating a Mr Mediocre currently and it is bizarre it's such a different six different experience um obviously it's still early days

so I don't know what will happen so I don't want to like big him up too much but he is consistent, actions meet words. You can talk to him about doing plans together like two months away and he's not going to freak out. He's just like oh yeah at Christmas and I'm like whoa this is really refreshing but it's just so calm. He can leave my house, we don't have to text all day but I know that like whenever he's ready I'm always going to hear from him so I don't have that anxiety all day of checking my phone it's like super chilled so then it's hard isn't it to rewire your brain because I've had to be like am I not checking my phone because I don't care but it's

like no it's because I know that he's going to message me when we're free. So I don't need to check. Yeah, exactly. And that I just did a post on this like early this morning, actually, too, about kind of how you might figure out someone's the one and not saying that you would figure that out yet because you're early on in dating. But once you've been dating a while, write what you're saying. I mean, it's I don't think about this person all day long every day, because I don't have anything to analyze or worry about my, my butterflies and anxiety aren't going off, like worrying that, you know, something's gonna go wrong. Instead, I'm just calm. And I'm

able to focus on work, because I know he's gonna text me, I know, I'm gonna hear from him, I know, we're gonna see each other again, and how and how good that feels that I've been following your story. And I'm so excited for you because he really does have so many green flags. And I think it's an adjustment for our nervous system, for our body to go like, what is happening? I'm not anxious. I'm not worried. Does this mean I don't like this person?

No, it means that your body is finally starting to feel safe with someone. You can finally rest. And that once you kind of get comfortable resting and you can ride this wave out, there's a great book. It's called Deeper Dating and Inspired My Deeper Dating Coaching Business. And he talks about the wave and that we all have to go through a wave when we start dating a healthy person, a secure person for the first time, a Mr. Mediocre. We have to ride this wave out where our nervous system wants to go, something's off here, something's wrong because it's uncomfortable to feel peace for the first time and riding that wave out so you can get to the other side of like embracing it and being turned on by the piece like it becomes such a turn on to know like he's gonna

text you he's making plans for Christmas like there's nothing to worry about like the safety feels so good once you really allow yourself to embrace it yeah and it's just wild how how many people feel this way I have a lot of friends that meet people that make them feel like this and they're like oh but it's it is boring and it is just switching that mindset um you mentioned earlier that you go for you went for previously avoidant men I have read the amazing book that is attached and obviously it's the anxious type that tend to go for avoidance. Were you? Did you have an anxious attachment style? I did, I would say I had an anxious avoidance, so a little bit in the disorganized category, or now a lot of people call it fearful avoidance, but I definitely way more on the anxious side. And my avoidance really showed up with secure guys,

or with the good guys, the Mr. Mediocre. That's where a lot of us can get avoided. But I absolutely was anxious. And that was kind of my final straw was I knew my pattern. I knew that I liked the charming guy. I knew that I liked the life of the party guy. And in reality, my story was I liked a narcissistic guy. and I don't use that term lightly. I not every avoid it is narcissistic, but part of my story and my family pattern is the narcissism. And the last guy that I dated before Blake was a love bomber and I saw it from miles away, but I reached out to my friends who I knew would tell me I was overreacting, that I'm just

not like allowing myself to enjoy this. And I need to just like enjoy this basically love bombing. And but they were telling me like a guy treating you well. And I reached out to the friends that I knew would encourage me to date him, even though everything inside of me was like, do not do it. And I ended up a month later, blindsided, ghosted by someone who was promising me the world and telling me I was the best person ever. And I was crying on the bathroom floor over a guy I barely knew. And I knew, I knew it from the beginning. And I think like the story I kept saying was like, I'm so stupid. Why did I do this again? And it was so just disheartening to go. I saw it. I think that was like my last test was like, I saw this and I got tempted and I went with it anyway, even though I know it was going to hurt me. And I was done. I was like, this is my rock bottom.

I cannot feel this way ever again. And I mean, it was just like red flags all over the place. But I ignored every single one of them because it felt so good after a string of just like noncommittal guys coming my way. But it was too good to be true. And we really need to be honest with ourselves about that. I just find it so weird that we all have these stories and the same type of person has the same type of patterns. Do you have any insight into why there are people that will come along, love bomb, and then just ghost out of thin air? Yeah, I think that whether they're a full blown narcissist, or they're just avoidant, I think avoidance,

they want connection they do. And I think avoidance, they mean what they say on a lot of levels, they do feel a certain type of way about you. But with avoidance, their problem is, they kind of do the same thing. And they self sabotage relationships just like anxious do. But once they feel seen, once they feel like you're expecting something from them, once they feel like there's real vulnerability there, that really overwhelms their nervous system and they want to run in the other direction. Because typically they've grown up in an environment where either, let's say they had a mom who relied on them way too much emotionally, or they had parents that they could never rely on themselves. And so once they feel like this

person's expecting anything from me, I have to show up. They run in the other direction. So I think with avoidance, they typically do have some feelings, but once it gets real, they can't handle it. It triggers their kind of imposter syndrome. I can't handle this and they're out. Versus I think love bombers and the narcissist, like the guy that I dated the last one, I believe it's an ego trip for them. They feel they love watching someone fall in love with them. And I'll just be honest. My brother is a full blown narcissist and he's part of my pattern. And the reason that I ended up in that, and I've heard my brother say, it's like, I love buying girls flowers. I love doing this because it's so

cool to watch how happy it makes them. I tell them what they want to hear because they love it. It's like, they love watching your face light up. They love watching you fall in love with them. And once they got that, once they got what they want, and now you're expecting more from them, they're out. They're like, okay, this is getting real. You're not, you're expecting more from them they're out they're like okay this is getting real you're not you're not soothing my ego anymore I'm gonna go fall in love with someone else and so a lot of times we can also see that with sex addiction and that feeling of they're addicted to the beginning they're addicted to the falling in love yes that's why normally if you do look back and if you met have met someone like um who Lauren is describing, it's always like a three month thing, isn't it? That was my almost, I called them the almost relationships.

Three months was my pattern. So I was always anxious when the three months was coming around, like this is when it ends. Like, what do I need to do to hold on to it? Is it going to happen happen and it always ended yeah that's same with me I feel like I never get past that three month mark it's crazy and obviously there's a lot of people maybe like lockdown started it talking online about this kind of thing a lot of people that actually aren't qualified which is why I personally I'm really careful with what advice I do give. I try and stay

away from so much of the advice, but helping people understand patterns more so because at the moment I'm not qualified, but one day I will be. You are a qualified therapist. So what actually, when was it that you thought I want to go online now and start talking openly about this? I want to go online now and start talking openly about this? Yeah, well, I think once I figured out kind of what I needed to do to change my patterns, because I had self awareness for so long as a therapist, which made me feel even more like an imposter, like, I know what's going on, but I can't integrate, I cannot make a change, like, how am I just like, in autopilot over and over again. And so once I kind of figured out how you can really heal those attachment wounds, how am I just like, in autopilot over and over again. And so once I kind of figured out how you can really heal those attachment wounds, how you can really create change,

because even in the in therapy school, whatever that is for you, in London versus America, it's not really getting to the dating spot, the beginning phases of dating, we talk about relationships a lot in the therapy world, but we don't talk about the the dating spot, the beginning phases of dating. We talk about relationships a lot in the therapy world, but we don't talk about the dating process and finding that. And so there wasn't a lot of information out there. So once I kind of figured out how you actually heal, how you show up in dating to change these patterns, I was so passionate about helping other women because when I was dating, even though I was dating three years ago, about helping other women because when I was dating, even though I was dating three years ago,

so three years ago, I was still single. But I think it was like right then that this information started to be more readily available on social media before then not so much. And so I felt so alone in it. I felt like I had no tools. I felt like I had no help. And I also felt so alone, like the bad dating advice all the time just made me feel like I was desperate, pathetic, something's wrong with me. And I wanted to help so many women not feel that way anymore and realize they're not alone. And it just became a huge passion of mine. So I organically like posted a Facebook group was like, Hey, I'm thinking about doing this. What do you guys think? And like so many women responded was like, how can I sign up? And then I just like frantically made an Instagram account. And then here we are. And I really didn't start being consistent on Instagram until like

three months ago. And so now I'm just starting to grow and take this seriously because I've been a full time therapist this whole time. but even before that I was filling groups and have tons of one-on-one clients and that's because so many women need this support yeah they really really do um you mentioned friends a little bit earlier and like people giving you bad advice and I kind of have a little bit of a rule where I don't really go to my friends anymore if I need advice I kind of reflect on my own and be like right if is it making me happy or is it not and then that's where I go because I think those that really want the relationship for you and maybe people that haven't dated in the last I'd say five to eight years when there's been dating apps and when

there's been lots of changes and weird modern dating terms and behaviors come around I don't you can't take advice from people that haven't dated in that time um so how did dating affect you obviously each time you get affected by someone each time you listen to friends you take advice you have a little bit of a setback you might delete an app you might stop seeing like seeing and seeking dates how did it affect you each time because that's really tough isn't it I mean I think it just recreated this pattern like it made my anxious attachment stronger and stronger because I had this story like people once people get to know me they leave right that felt like the three months like once they really know me they leave I'm unlovable I'm unworthy I think that really started to show up and feel so much more real the longer I was single. Almost, you know,

I put this timeline on it, like seven years, like there's really something wrong with me. And to the point where it becomes an ego thing, where you're just like wanting to be chosen, you don't care who the guy is. You're like, I just want someone to tell me they want me to be their girlfriend so I can feel better about myself. And you stop being a chooser and you stop being someone who actually believes they're worth more. And I think it really, really crushes your self-worth and self-esteem. And I think people like you said, friends who haven't been in that dating world, haven't ever really dealt with the apps, they don't even have any clue what that feels like to be feel constant rejection and feel constant disappointment. And the friends that I

had who were single who are going through it, they still gave me kind of toxic dating advice that's been passed down by society. So the, you know, it'll happen when you least expect it. know, it'll happen when you least expect it. Literally the most frustrating piece of advice anyone can ever give you. Please don't do that to your friends. And then the like, you have to love yourself before someone can love you. Like those two pieces of advice made me feel so alone. It really did. Because looking for it when like you're saying I need to put myself out there and I need to date, but I also can't look for it or I won't find it. So which one is it? Right? It's like, so I'm so desperate for wanting love and looking for it that that's why no one wants to be with me. Or now I don't love myself very much because I've been dating so long and I'm starting to believe I'm not lovable. And now you're telling me for that very reason, no one's ever going to love me. How hopeless is that? Right? So I'm a big advocate, especially for people who are anxiously attached. Do not ask your friends for advice. Do everything in your power to develop coping skills to self soothe. Because when you reach out to people and you screenshot text,

which I was guilty of, and you say, what should I say? What should I do? You are becoming like a compilation of your friends and those responses. That person's not dating you anymore. And then you regret it or you come across really all over the place because one minute you're responding like your friend, the next minute you're responding like yourself and you're fighting with yourself and they're like, what's going on? And it just makes us not trust ourselves. And then when we do get rejected, we're like, it's because I didn't listen. I listened to my friend. And if I would have just done this and it feels so much better to know I showed up as me. And if it's not a match, it's not a match. Absolutely. Yeah. And I think also what's important to know is like this time around with the person I'm currently dating, I feel like I haven't had to show any texts to anyone because I've just not been made to feel a certain way.

I've just been able to be myself. You know, there's been times when I have been a bit snappy and he's been a bit like, and I've been like oh my god sorry and it's just been we're totally ourselves around each other I've not like needed to have any second person come in and tell me what I think a text might mean and analyze it word for word it's just not needed to so maybe that's something to look at as well if you are doing that is it right yeah exactly I think that's a great question to ask yourself. If you feel the need to ask people advice all the time, it's probably not it. And I'm just, again, so excited for you, Daisy, because this sounds like such a promising partner for you. You sound so great. And that is something that happened with me with Blake. Like my friends were like, you never talk about him. Are you sure you like him they were so confused because before every other guy I'm like okay he said this and then we went on this date what do you think this means and with Blake I was quiet because I didn't have anything to talk about like I was just having a good time and I was letting things happen and seeing where they went amazing so yeah those listening that aren't aware Blake is the husband now so we'll get on to that very shortly

but it's very exciting that you've found him he sounds amazing from what I've seen and what I've heard from your content um first though what did you do to find someone like Blake so I know you you know we spoke about giving Mr Mediocre a chance and enjoying that calm. But what did you do for yourself to be able to meet a person like that? Yeah, so I, like I said, I had that rock bottom moment. I'm like, I'm not doing this anymore. And that's when I first of all, I invested in therapy. I didn't go through insurance here in the US. Insurance is a big part of finding a therapist a lot of the time, but it really limits you. And I was like, I need to go to someone who specializes in relationships

and dating who gets me. And I did that. And I dug into therapy with someone who recommended Deeper Dating by Ken Page. Couldn't recommend that book enough. And I started doing that with her. And then simultaneously, I decided to go on a trauma retreat for mental health professionals. And part of that was led by my work and what I was doing at the time. A lot of my clients had been in treatment and done rehabs, and I didn't know what it felt like to be in that experience. So I went on this trauma retreat, not really realizing that it was going to help me in dating so much. And I really got to do some deep healing inner child work is a big part of that

for me. And then I came back and kind of continued that work with my therapist. And the funniest part is, I had already started the work with my therapist. And the week before I went on this trauma retreat, I met Blake and I was super anxious because I didn't want to get, my phone got taken away on that retreat. So I had no phone and my anxious attachment was like, I just met this great guy. He, I knew he was a good guy, like a nice guy. And so I kept telling myself this mean story. So I was still very much in my healing that if I get my phone taken away and he forgets about me and meet someone else in a week, like I'm just going to be alone forever. I'm like, I just have the worst dating luck ever.

So I was so anxious for them to take my phone away. But he ended up texting me every day when I was on that retreat saying like hey thinking of you hope you're having a good time so I came back to like seven days of texts of little check-ins and it was like the most healing thing in the world oh that's so cute I just got goosebumps um you talk about healing can we talk about what that word means because again it's a word that gets used on social media I don't think some people know what it truly means um so obviously with your experience and your qualifications can you like tell us what that word means yeah well I think healing can mean a lot of things for a lot of different people for me first of all disclaimer you do not need to be

fully healed in order to find love. You can find love in the beginning, the middle of your healing process. But for me, the biggest part of healing is learning how to take self-awareness and integrate it into actual action. I think a lot of people are self-aware on some level now. They know their attachment style. Maybe they've been like doing some pop psychology stuff on Instagram and TikTok, but to learn how to integrate it, what is, okay, I know why I am attracted to these types of people, or I know my attachment style, but what does that mean? How do I apply that? And so I think that healing really is doing inner child work. It's looking at your subconscious. It's starting

to accept yourself. So I don't believe you need to love yourself. I think you need to learn how to accept yourself and start noticing what do I have to offer as a partner? What are my gifts? What are things that are special about me? And then I need to protect those parts. So now I know that my sensitivity is special. It's not cringy. There's nothing wrong with it. So I need to protect that. I need a partner who adores my sensitivity and allows me to show up authentically or, you know, I'm a good listener. So I need someone who appreciates that I'm a good listener and doesn't take advantage of that. So learning like what do I have to offer and then accepting

the parts of you you don't like very much. Like obviously I'm a chatter. I talk a lot. So I need to accept that that's just who I am and I'm not just going to lay back and sit back and be this mysterious quiet girl that dating advice told me I needed to be. I'm going to accept that I am a very big personality and I'm going to show up fully myself and the right person's going to like that about me. And so that's part of it. And to get there, I do a lot of inner child work, some trauma work, some attachment work. That's kind of my idea of healing. If I were to explain all of that, it would take forever, but hopefully that answers

your question. it does it truly does and when you talk about inner child I know this is very complex um but I assume you mean things like you mentioned like people in your family a little bit earlier so kind of working on the patterns that you've been around and trying to detach from those patterns yeah yeah absolutely with inner child I would say I picture your inner child as your most authentic self, but also the part of you that holds the most wounds. So think of your inner child like your subconscious, your subconscious mind. And we all act out of our subconscious all of the time.

We're actually on autopilot. And I talk about this great concept called the pain cycle. And we all have one. And so when that's triggered, so we have like our negative core beliefs that were developed in childhood that are subconscious or our inner child still holds on to and believes like, maybe I'm unworthy, I'm unlovable, I'm not good enough, that kind of feeling. triggers, that's going to lead us into our pain, which is going to lead us to cope in ways that might not be helpful because this is our autopilot. It's not our conscious prefrontal cortex working. So maybe we go on the apps and talk to the guy with the nice six pack to make ourselves feel better to cope with that feeling of unworthiness. But what happens is we engage with that person and then the outcome is they treat us like shit. And then we still feel unworthy and unlovable. And so then we end up in this self-sabotaging cycle. And so the inner

child work is kind of going back to those times, showing up for yourself back then at 3, 5, 8, 10, 15, and being the parent you needed, being kind, being accepting, saying, hey, your feelings matter, but you are worthy. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you are lovable. This isn't wrong. There's nothing wrong with you. And showing up for yourself in that way to where you start to actually believe it enough to not date people who make you feel unworthy and unlovable. Yeah. And it's good that people are talking about inner child more because I think then people that end up becoming parents, if they've seen this stuff on social media, they can then understand how to maybe better talk to their children to try and stop patterns eventually. Exactly. And there's so many things that our parents do, like they don't do on purpose

or intentionally, they're doing their best. And sometimes it's just a developmental issue. So like when you're a teenager, you could look back and be like, oh my gosh, I was so dramatic. But that's you not being kind to yourself. Like you were a teen, that did feel like the end of the world at that time. Validate that, right? So your parent could have like meant well, but you were a teen, or you were five. And developmentally, that thing hurt way more than it would as an adult. And so you have to validate that experience for that age. And I think that's part of the inner child. And then it's tapping into like, the fun, creative, silly side of you that you've left behind, because maybe the world told you it was embarrassing and starting to embrace that and

show up more authentically. Like for me, that was being too sensitive and being too loud and starting to go, no, screw that. I'm sensitive. I'm a therapist. Clearly I'm sensitive. I care about people and I'm super weird and funny and silly and I'll dance in the middle of the grocery store and I don't care and I'm not going to dim myself down anymore to be what society told me I should be yeah I love that I think we're a little bit similar there because I'm quite sensitive and you know I've had family members be like oh you just can't take a joke and I'm like well no actually that joke just weren't funny um but I don't mind being sensitive because it means that I'm really like um I have lots of empathy for other people's stories. And

do you know what I mean? That makes me a nice person that people come to, which is also why I'm getting into the field. So yeah, I hate how we look at such beautiful traits sometimes so negatively. I do have a question for you, which I think a lot of listeners to the podcast would be quite intrigued about this. How do we know when we need to work on our anxious attachment and when it's kind of us or whether someone is just activating that in us because they're not a nice person or maybe they're an avoidant and they're making us feel that way? How do we know the difference? Well, so I would say it will be really obvious when you meet someone who's secure. So I think when we are

dating someone who's avoidant, we're triggered so much. We're constantly anxious. We feel that in our body. Like you said, we're screenshotting texts. We're asking everyone for their opinions. There's clearly a feeling of things aren't safe. Like look at the other person's behavior. Are they taking a long time to respond to you? Are they being inconsistent? Are their words and actions not matching? All of that is valid for your anxiety, right? Those are valid reasons to be anxious. If you are anxiously attached and you date someone secure, which you might notice, sometimes

you actually are going to be acting out and pushing that person away and actually going to feel more avoid it. So I don't think it feels the same when you're dating a healthy partner. I don't think you are anxious in the same way. I think you like take little things and run with it and as turn them into big red flags, like, oh, I don't like the way he chews or you know what, he texts me too quickly. And I, you know, and you're like finding things to not like that are silly and really aren't valid. And so I think, you know, when it's you and you know, for example, with Blake at the very beginning, I was, my anxious attachment was still so activated that I was panicking going into that

retreat. I would like called my friend crying. I was like, I that I was panicking going into that retreat. I would like called my friend crying. I was like, I don't know what's going on, but I'm so triggered because I really believe that this is a good guy. And so I'm telling myself this story that if he doesn't want to be with me, then I'm like really unlovable because before it was really easy to blame the other guys and call them an asshole. And so when I came back from that, there were still times where I would become hot and cold. I was starting to act like the fuck boy, so to speak, and would, you know, find little things and pick fights. And that's when you have to look in the mirror and you have to go, okay, like this is my anxious attachment.

This is my trauma and I'm projecting it onto him, he's not doing anything wrong. So you really need to like fact check yourself in those moments. But it feels so different that I think it is obvious when it's the other person versus when it's you. And you just have to be honest about that. This is so funny. We've been a little bit parallel. I called my best friend recently and I was like, Hannah, why am I being like this? He's like so nice. And I'm just being a dick. I made a joke on like our second date. We were like cooking. And he just, he actually, what's happened is on our third date, we spoke about it and it turns out that he heard the joke wrong. On our third date, we spoke about it and it turns out that he heard the joke wrong. And when we talked about it and I was like, oh, if I heard it that way, I would have been annoyed too. But this is what I said.

And he was like, oh. But basically, he didn't find the joke funny. And then I was literally took that round with it and was like, he is so sensitive. I cannot be a sensitive man. I need to be the sensitive one. And I just made it into this huge thing that we both absolutely laughed now about our second date because it was just it was meant to be so good and it just wasn't it just got really awkward and it was because I took that and ran and I tried to make a problem because I knew there was like he was he didn't do anything wrong yeah exactly exactly I mean I talk about that too and even still sometimes in my marriage, like I become the toxic one. It's like, my body is still so programmed for so long to have constant

chaos and ups and downs and highs and lows. And Blake's always showing up for me. He's always reliable. He's always kind. And so I'll pick fights over nothing. You know, it's like, you said that the wrong way. You talked in a different tone of voice or whatever. And he's like, where is this coming from? And I have to check myself that like, I subconsciously I'm picking fights because the piece is too, like, it's too uncomfortable for me. And we do that a lot as we're healing our anxious attachment. So part of that's being graceful with yourself, but also holding yourself accountable and apologizing to that person. That's really the difference than someone who just treats you like shit and then just like moves on and pretends nothing happened. You have to be like honest and accountable and say, hey, you didn't deserve that. Like so much in the beginning of Blake and

I's relationship, I had to check myself and I'd be like, hey, you know what? That wasn't meant for you. That was my past coming up. And I reacted off of old wounds and you didn't deserve that. That wasn't meant for you. I'm sorry. Here's what I'm doing to work on it. Please call me out if I do this again. And we had a lot of those conversations. And that's part of the healing is within the relationship you can't fully heal before dating someone because that person is going to trigger your stuff yeah that's so true because even in the like early stages but when I was seeing him quite a lot like the fourth fifth sixth day um lost count now but in that kind of stage where it's kind of

serious but getting getting that way um I remember like being in London and just trying to flirt with people in the bar because I was just like trying to go against I've met a nice person but no he can't be nice so I'm just gonna flirt with this person and I caught myself doing that and I was like I don't actually want to be flirting with that person I want the guy I'm dating to be like I want to see him tonight what are you doing and it's just like acting out yeah exactly and that's to me that's like the wounded inner child that or like maybe the teen the teenager inside of you kind of acting out and trying to go against the grain and I I also believe that you know when we are in this healing process and riding out the wave and getting used to

feeling safe, there is a part of us that's afraid who's like, this might be too good to be true. Like I've never been able to be loved like this. And so I think part of us like is scared, like you're waiting for the other shoe to drop. And I know that was for me, it was like, this feels so nice to feel safe. I don't want this feeling to go away. But at the same time, subconsciously, we want to protect ourselves. So we might try to sabotage it before that shoe drops before they hurt us, right? So it's like, Oh, I'll just push you away, because this might be too good to be true. And I'd rather rather me end it than you hurt me. It's crazy. Humans are crazy. Then your love story. How did you meet Blake? Yeah, so I, first of all, I am still a big

advocate for the dating apps. I just want to say that, like, I think you can absolutely utilize them in the right way. But I did meet him in person. Happenstance, I was forced to go not forced, but I did. I went to my friend's 30th birthday party, but she lived in San Diego, which is two hours away from where I was living at the time. And I'm very big on my sleep. I like so I was thinking, Oh, great, I'm gonna have to like sleep at her house. And like, I probably won't get a bed because it's a big party. And I was not looking forward to that. So I almost wanted to be talked out of it. But I went anyway. And I met Blake there at the end of the night, the party started like two in the afternoon, it was like an all day thing. But I was staying there. And I didn't meet him till like 10 o'clock at night. So there's a lot of people there, which is pretty

funny. I remember seeing him from far away because he's very tall. And I don't know if you know this part of my story from Instagram, but he had crazy hair on a big handlebar mustache. And so he was like very obvious. And I just remember thinking my friend actually made a joke about like, imagine sleeping with a guy with that hair. And she said that at the very beginning, and she knew him from high school. So they were about like, imagine sleeping with a guy with that hair. And she said that at the very beginning, and she knew him from high school. So they were all like, ha ha ha, oh, Blake. And I'm like, just he's a random guy. But I'm looking at him like his hair is pretty crazy. And he had this crazy handlebar mustache. And then we ended up talking at the end of the night, like in the

kitchen. And he was just we got really like caught up in talking about our passions for helping people. He's a teacher. Um, and it just felt really good. And then I was forced to share a couch with him that night actually. And again, he's very tall and it was this little couch. There was no blanket, anything. Cause we were locked out of her room and I was complaining the whole time. I was not my best self. And he was such a gentleman, like didn't make any moves. He kissed me. That was it. And then I snuck out at like 6am because I was like ready to drive home and get to my bed. I was so uncomfortable that he DM'd me on Instagram. And then we ended up dating and doing kind of a mini long distance for a while. Wow. Okay. Who moved?

I did. I moved back. So I went to college in San Diego and I was living in Orange County at the time for a job, but Orange County is not my place and I knew I didn't want to be there for long. So I was happy to move back to San Diego and be here. Amazing. And you've got your honeymoon to look forward to. So you got married really recently then? Yeah, we got married May 6th this year. Wow. Okay. So I am going to assume that when people say, when you know, you know, you're not going to fully agree with that term. Would you say that? Yeah, I would say, you know, I think it's different for everyone. I think when you know that you met someone good and that they have the qualities in a long-term partner, then you can know you are likely to

choose that person. But I don't believe in soulmates. I don't believe that there's one person. I believe there's 10% of the people in the world are a match for you. And so you have to choose who you want to do life with. And so it really does become kind of this decision, like how compatible are we? Do I think that this would be a good long term partner? So a couple months into Blake, I did feel like he could be the one not because there's this magical soulmate that I just found, but because he's such a good guy he's such a caring person we are so we align on so many things and I feel really safe with him he would be a great long-term partner to choose yeah amazing and what do you guys work on now to create that longevity in a relationship do you have like a

date night a week like what do you kind of do to make sure if you argue do you have a rule that you kind of have to do like I know a couple that like have to go for it they each go for a run or a walk before coming back together to talk and I always think that's quite a good idea because then you've got those endorphins running yeah is there anything you guys do and work on to make sure that this is you know solid well that's first of all a great thing is to go run or walk and kind of come back to it. A big thing that I believe in is you can go to bed angry, don't listen to that dating advice, or relationship advice. Truly, like it's better to sleep on it and talk in the morning than try to force things to hash out at 2am when your nervous system is going to be high, you're going to be tired, it's not going to work out super well. A big thing that Blake and I do is like we really

try to hear each other's repair attempts. So John Gottman talks about, he's a psychology expert on relationships, and he talks about repair attempts and that a lot of times couples who do well listen to each other's repair attempt. And so that's like when you're in the middle of an argument and they make a lighthearted joke to take that. They're trying to connect with you. They're trying to take it down a notch, right? So we both do that really well. I think one of us will always do a repair attempt and that usually I notice it even if I'm mad and I want to stay in my ego and I allow it, I allow to accept it. And I go, you know what? He's trying to like, calm down. He's trying not to fight with me anymore. I'm going to like laugh at this joke

and maybe not continue fighting about something that's really not important anyway. And yeah, date nights are really important. We always try to at least go on one date a week um if possible too and sometimes that doesn't need to be anything extravagant but making like last night even I we put our phones away turned them off and like watched a Disney movie and I wanted to have like an inner child moment together and I just because I was having like a stressful day and it felt really good to just connect with him like that. Love it um thank you so much for sharing your love story and you've given us so much good advice but I do also want to say your content creation is so good you know there's just I've learned so much from your content and it's just really helpful to consume small bursts like that um you know that you know is

is is from an expert so thank you for all of that content creation keep it going because I know it's just going to continue to grow and grow what have we got to look forward to from you I know that you've got some exciting things coming up yeah yeah well thank you so much I'm glad you find it helpful I'm you know trying to be consistent with it and put out like helpful tidbits every single day. And yes, I am coming out with a course soon. I have done groups and one on one coaching, but I'm really trying to find a way to reach more people and when they can at their own pace, because obviously scheduling like people who are in the UK, of course, aren't going to be able to show up to US time groups and things like that. And so I'm working on a course that's going to really have so much in it, like really about attachment, about how to heal, to do that inner

child work and practical tools to use in dating to really start. I think the biggest goal for me in what I do is teaching women, especially anxiously attached women, how to be attracted to healthy love and how to embrace healthy love because I think that's one of the hardest things. And so that course is going to be very all encompassing. So I'm very excited to put that out. And additionally, I'm going to be finishing and creating a self-healing journal, which can either be an add-on or something you buy on your own. So that's also going to be really amazing for people that don't have the time for a course or coaching, but they want to work on themselves. That self-healing journal will be really cool.

Amazing. And where can people follow you? healing journal will be really cool. Amazing. And where can people follow you? At deeper dating coach on Instagram and TikTok, but Instagram is definitely more active. Perfect. Well, thank you so much for joining me. I know it's nice and early in the US currently. And of course, you can follow Daisy Dates podcast wherever you go to get them on all streaming platforms. You can watch on YouTube and also on Instagram, trying to be better on TikTok. And you can follow my personal Daisy Bell

on TikTok and Instagram as well. And I'll see you next time.