Daisie Dates - EP16 PART 1| Love Cycles & Non-Negotiables

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, welcome to the Daisy Dates podcast. Thank you so much for being so patient with me for this episode. It was actually recorded quite a few weeks ago now, but everything just got busy. Life got real busy and for various reasons, I just haven't had the time to edit it and I've been very busy with work and obviously that has taken a priority. For that reason, I am very much looking for a sponsor as well. So if you have a company that would like to sponsor the podcast then I'd absolutely love to hear from you my dms are always open now I'm very excited about this episode but I have split it into two parts to make sure that you listened to the whole entire thing so I'm going to release part one this week and part two will come next week because there's just so many golden nuggets, incredible gems that I just don't want you to miss out if you don't have more than an hour to spare right now.

Starting point is 00:00:55 And I totally understand if you don't. So look, I'm very excited to continue through with season two. And after episode 20, then I'm going to take another little break for Christmas. You may have seen from my socials, I'm Cinderella in my local pantomime. So I'm going to be very, very busy and I'll return in the new year with more guests, more ideas and more podcast episodes. I'm very excited. In the meantime, please give me a follow on my Instagram, Daisy Dates Podcast. I'm also Daisy Bell. the meantime, please give me a follow on my Instagram, Daisy Dates Podcast. I'm also Daisy Bell, you can come and follow me on my personal one too,

Starting point is 00:01:30 and on TikTok, Daisy Dates Podcast, and Daisy Bell 6 as well. I really hope you enjoy part one of this episode. Hello, welcome to another episode of the Daisy Dates Podcast. I'm Daisy, and on the podcast you know just what to do, don't you? Hello, welcome to another episode of the Daisy Dates podcast. I'm Daisy and on the podcast I chat all things heartbreak, finding love, mindset and anything and everything to do with dating. And today we're talking love languages, which I'm very excited about because we've touched on it on various episodes but never really delved into it so today we're learning the science of it. I'm joined with love coach TJ Gibbs. Now clients will reach out to TJ to uncover and resolve issues related to dating, making up or breaking up through to amicably moving on and establishing

Starting point is 00:02:17 the next chapter in their life and their love. Welcome to the podcast. Thank you darling, thank you for having me. Very excited to have you on. You're just full of wisdom. So I think we're all going to learn so much in this episode. Before we start, I always do a little bit of a this or that game with guests. Just whatever springs to mind first in terms of dating and romantic relationships. Go for it. So for you, love letter or surprise gift? Love letter. Oh, love letter. Love texts or phone calls? Ooh, both please. Phone calls, I think. You're allowed to ask for both.

Starting point is 00:02:55 Romantic weekend getaway or romantic weekend in? In. Group date or a one-on-one? One-on-one. And what does, to you, being loved look like? Being able to show off as myself and the other person that I have no problem with it. Excellent. And why did you become a love coach?

Starting point is 00:03:23 Because, so, when I went through my heartbreak, my relationship breakdown, and I didn't want to be here anymore. And the help that I needed wasn't available. So I saw so many different therapists, et cetera. And I ended up having a mental health breakdown, not being diagnosed with any mental health issues. I was actually admitted to a hospital. I wanted out full stop. And it wasn't just the breakdown of

Starting point is 00:03:45 the relationship it was other relationships with my father etc um and loss and bereavement and everything that if you don't get dealt with builds up so when i eventually had my mental health um i'm going to call it a breakthrough people call it a breakdown yeah no i like that i was admitted to a mental health institute institute and uh i was told after 10 days analysis that i don't have any mental health issues i'm just really sad and that's what broken hearts are there's so sadness heartache is a killer um and if it's consistent and built up it causes the same kind of trauma eventually that one-off things like jumping from a burning building or things like that could cause because it's sustained traumatic scars that

Starting point is 00:04:34 build up into a point of no longer, for some people, no longer wanting to be here. So the reason I do the work is because this wasn't out there when i needed it and um when i came out of the hospital and said we can't support you we have no interventions for sad people and this was this was 15 20 years ago okay but still not that long ago though really no but i mean mental health was either you're diagnosed and then you get so i went in search and then i realized that um the mind had a powerful really powerful effect on how i saw the world so hypnosis was something that i bought into and i found a cognitive what i'm specializing in is cognitive hypnotherapy i trained for a year at

Starting point is 00:05:19 the quest institute and um that was because the angel that i was provided in my life within four sessions of cognitive hypnotherapy i had moved on from the depression i'd been suffering for a year relocated i started a new life in another country wow was there for five years so it was that quick that instance i so believe in it so when i came came back and was looking for my passion and purpose, then I decided to train in it. And what's ironic is I've always done this job my whole life. Like naturally, it's just in you. I think, yeah, you have to have that natural aura for it to work.

Starting point is 00:05:59 Oh, my girlfriends. If you want to know what your passion is, ask your friends what you talk about nonstop, because that's what you're passionate about. So I decided to invest in my passion and do the work that I couldn't find myself at the time I needed it. Wow. Well, thank you for sharing that. Thank you for sharing that. And when you are working with people, obviously you're finding a lot about a person within this work,

Starting point is 00:06:31 which can be quite self-reflective work as well. How do you find that that affects you personally or your day in life as well? I've done the work. I've done the programme that I do, the two programmes, the My Seeming and Get Ready for Love. So because I've done it myself, I've grown immensely in understanding what I want from relationships. the work that I do is based on three pillars the first is the therapeutic qualifications that I have cognitive hypnotherapy neurolinguistic programming plus so many toolkits but the second one is life wisdom lived a very rich extremely unusual life but the third pillar is spirituality as well it's

Starting point is 00:07:06 bringing in spiritual well-being and understanding getting you to be the best version of you so that you can show up for the love that's waiting for you so I kind of deliver it on three different levels that somebody asked me once how did you get to be so good at what you do i said first i lived it then i studied it so that's the therapeutic side of it um and then i kind of spiritualized it in terms of why it matters to people why do people want love why is it so important and why is it life or death for some people wow it Do you meet people that it truly is life or death? Absolutely. Whenever, when a client comes in,

Starting point is 00:07:48 whether they're in for coaching or therapy, it's a case of them not feeling that they're getting what they want from their journey in life, especially with love. Not feeling love for themselves, not feeling loved from their parents, their peers or their romantic relationships.

Starting point is 00:08:07 So for especially for women, men can focus and become workaholics, which a lot more women are doing as well, actually. Yeah. Throw their emotions into their work, whereas women, their ultimate success is their relationships with other people. Yeah, I would say so so why do you think men don't focus on that so much men will escape into the work okay look men and women are different for a reason biologically we're very much designed different no matter how much we compete and we're you know i was in competition with men for 30 years as an IT consultant, paid huge amounts of money, and one of the only women in the industry when I started at 21. So totally understand where it comes from,

Starting point is 00:08:52 from the power requirements and the financial things for men. But for them, investment in relationships can be much more important than it used to be, because they're now in competition with their partners and no one's getting their needs met so whereas it used to be from previous generations genders really understood their roles in the dynamics of a happy relationship whereas now it's competitive and people are trying to find their feet and where do they stand how How do we work that out?

Starting point is 00:09:27 I know for me, I find that particularly hard. I'm very much like, work, work. I know I bring a masculine energy and I'm trying to sit more in the feminine side. And I've been on a few dates with someone and I'm trying to explain the masculine and feminine. He doesn't totally get it yet, but he's learning, he's open to learning it.

Starting point is 00:09:42 He's like, oh, so are you saying I'm not masculine? I'm like, no, you have a great feminine side, which is your caring and nurturing qualities. And I still want that. Yeah. But I know that I'm trying to sit more in my feminine energy to help the man be the masculine. So I'm going to challenge you.

Starting point is 00:09:59 That's fine. Go for it. Because look what you've just said, right? You're busy telling him what he needs to do with himself. No, sorry, I didn't actually tell him what he needs to do. I was telling him what I like about him. Ah, right, okay. So I like the feminine context was what I was saying.

Starting point is 00:10:14 I don't, yeah. And this is what I think women are doing at the moment. What we're not doing is spending the time, the thing that we find out about ourselves for ourselves and then allowing others to find out so we can understand them better yeah okay so i think a lot of clients will come to me and say i just want to meet someone who gets me and that particularly men say that okay and i'll say so do you and they're like oh you caught me out completely so where i'm coming from is when our focus is on

Starting point is 00:10:46 somebody else's journey yeah rather than our own in terms of what we need getting our own needs met but it's very difficult for men at the moment because they're displaced they don't understand what is it that makes me a man previously it was putting food on the table, bringing money home. It's like, you know, being present as much as you can. But now it's very much changed in that women are supposed to be superheroes and men are supposed to understand women who are still trying to work out their place in the world. So how do you get into it? You get into your feminine energy with any relationship, whether it's two women together, two men together, heterosexualosexual relationships it's a case of understanding what your needs are enough to

Starting point is 00:11:31 be able to feel them yourself and then open up to understand theirs yeah so what i was what i meant was that i guess i am trying to sit more in the feminine so that he is able to come in and you know embrace his mask but he may not be ready for that so that he is able to come in and, you know, embrace his masculine. But he may not be ready for that. So what you've got to do is you've got to do you. Yeah. And then the partners who come along, you've got to say, OK, are they at the place where I need them to be? OK.

Starting point is 00:11:58 If not, they don't need to change. They need to go do what they've got to do. And you've got to be very clear. Women will focus more on the details of their wedding dress than they do the groom they'll know the color they'll know the style they'll know whether they want to veil or not they want to know honestly but when i will ask them questions about their groom that they just don't know so it's just like focus on doing you understand who you are and why you do doing you, understand who you are and why you do what you do and who you're attracting.

Starting point is 00:12:29 Then you'll know, and I always say, men and women, be very careful who you date because you can't help who you fall in love with. So you've got to do the work at the top end, not after you've fallen from them yeah found out they're emotionally unavailable and then chase them around the world round and round in circles which i do know some women that that's worked for right but that stalker style is very kind of you know it's going to go one way or the other you're going to get the man or you're going to get a jail sentence yeah gosh okay lots to unpack there um when you're saying working on yourself first do you first you have these 12

Starting point is 00:13:12 key components in love happiness and life that you kind of put forward for people to fill out before you get to work with them ultimately to see where they're at can you tell us a little bit more about this and I have actually done this so TJ is aware of my're at. Can you tell us a little bit more about this? And I have actually done this. So TJ is aware of my score and we'll touch on it a little bit later. Yeah, so it's 12 areas of life and love. Now, people will often focus on what's missing in their journey, can become fanatical about it, and then forget the other 11 areas. So whether that's finance, whether it's at the gym and physical,

Starting point is 00:13:44 buffing up, liking to look or wanting abs, whether it's focused on their children and nurturing, whether it's focused on just making money. When you overly focus as a seeker on one area of the 12 areas or even six areas of the 12 areas, you're going to be lacking in the areas that you're avoiding so what the the wheels of life and love are aimed to do is to give me um a very good baseline of where you're starting when you come in to work with me it tells me whether we're working on from therapy or whether we're going into life or love coaching it gives me a very clear understanding of what your jump off point is and you might get clients with really high scores in some areas and really low in others

Starting point is 00:14:30 but those clients who come into me it's not just relationships that I do anymore it's people relationships with themselves so those clients that come into me that score really low like in the twos and threes overalls they've fallen out of love with themselves they've disconnected from themselves so there's therapy work to be done to reconnect them before they can connect to anyone else is that the point you normally find people come to you all over okay so it's interesting is when i used to just do the love coaching work people would come in post relationships post divorce or just I'm always picking the wrong person kind of thing or I can't find love but what I've had what's happened more and more is as I've those clients needed the

Starting point is 00:15:19 holistic work of understanding themselves better to show up in their relationships so my practice now is about 80 word of mouth so i do a lot of i do a five-step program called the mysemia experience which includes hypnosis where what i do is i reconnect you to yourself um and once you then so you do these the wheels of life and love at session one session five we retake it and you can see the difference in your happiness ratings in life and love and at that point that's when you'll probably go into coaching who were you looking for in your relationship and depending on i don't know if you're aware of this but depending on where you are on your your journey of life um but 21 to 28 is such a significant period of self-actualization that also which we'll talk about a bit later depending on where you are in the love cycle

Starting point is 00:16:14 will also really define how ready you are for love so that's why my book is called get ready for love with the programs called get ready for. But that's when you're ready for coaching. If we need some underpinning therapy work, that will be defined by how low your score is. We'll first do the therapeutic work and then go on to the coaching. Okay. Have you ever had someone come to you and get a really high score, like a 9 or a 10?

Starting point is 00:16:43 They would. Yes, the answer is, and she was lying yeah okay yeah because her scores didn't add up she had some really low scores in some area if you're talking about nine or ten overall never because that's somebody who's completely happy with life joy they would never go looking for help for anything their their life is where they're at I have had some people who scored it after the work which is really interesting because there is a boast a post therapy and coaching high with the work that i do once you reconnect yourself you're buzzing but actually what we're aiming for is a seven seven is the number of peace eight is the number

Starting point is 00:17:20 of happiness nine is joy and ten is fulfillment and to be quite honest if you're completely fulfilled in life there would be an argument spiritually okay if you've done your journey yeah i agree with that because what else is there left to learn yeah to achieve or maintaining fulfillment is really difficult yeah i scored a 6.7 so we'll get on to that a little bit later so it's you scored a 6.9 overall 6.7 was um actually for your your love area and for life it was seven so for life you're seven you're at peace 6.7 you're in inquiry inquiry is a brilliant place to be because you're ready for change okay yes i and that that's true that is true which people that have listened to the podcast will know that because I'm I'm trying to be

Starting point is 00:18:09 self-reflective and be like okay well why am I going for people that I'm going for and what can I do to you know I'm aware that if you're going on a lot of dates you're not finding the people that are right for you that's not necessarily them problem yeah so I'm fully aware of that and it's important that you know that isn't it on on the journey like the self-reflective i think one of the most first of all what i want to say to anyone listening is i say to every one of my clients that walks through my door you are the only expert on you so whatever i'm going to say today is all subjected to your own truth you know everything you need to know

Starting point is 00:18:45 my job is to help guide you towards what you've forgotten okay so the question really would be is once you're at peace with yourself how much of the risk are you prepared to take on love because it's a risky journey it's just like you can be at peace with your job but what if you suddenly get made redundant right are you ready to go on the journey towards that which you don't know so it's the reason why we do the therapy first before the coaching is so that you can turn up as the best version of you to take the risks because love is a huge risk and as i said for some life or death risk it's not to be taken lightly and some people choose not to take it anymore and that's their right as well to i don't want anymore they'll get a dog they'll kind of live on their own they'll

Starting point is 00:19:37 choose not to opt in love because it's a risky business would you say that's more generational like that's happening a lot more now than it used to i don't think it's generational the two questions there it's not generational but it is happening more now than it used to okay because people are now kind of focusing so much on their own needs and they're not since covid the the need for communities i know we talked about how you're really passionate about building communities and networks for people and friendships and stuff like that yeah i'm massive on expanding friendships i'm constantly making new friends in my life well we've gone backwards so much since covid so people have normalized just being on their own and it's a bigger risk now to

Starting point is 00:20:27 bring someone into that known so i'm going to say something that that really would help people but it might throw you as well human beings prefer certain unhappiness over uncertain happiness yeah that makes sense doesn't it because certain unhappiness your brain has told you you will survive because you're living it so you can thrive in it so you can stay in a relationship for years that you're not happy in you're certain that you're unhappy but you're not dead whereas the brain can't come to concepts with the uncertainty of happiness so people will move on only when they got not got a lot of choice with many people full stop because the uncertainty of happiness is scarier than the unhappiness the uncertainty of happiness is scarier than the certainty of unhappiness oh gosh we're gonna learn so much in this episode so that's why fear is the biggest thing that will

Starting point is 00:21:33 hold people back so you could very much find in your scores for instance that you're so happy being alone that literally the universe had to flick you off the end of the cliff to get you into that space of uncertainty where you will find happiness which is eight nine and ten okay that's interesting that's an interesting um point because yeah i would say i'm i'm quite content to be honest like living alone i love it i'll get home tonight and i'll make a lovely meal and i might have a glass of wine i'm wearing no I just enjoy it I'll enjoy watching something on my own and it's because what you know yeah yeah inviting someone in like every day living with me does get me to death right so this is where you should be looking at at situationships situationships that you don't that that there's somebody else that feels that same

Starting point is 00:22:25 way, where you just want to enjoy the space with each other when you've got it, and then allow that to breathe, now we spoke just very briefly about this, depending on your love style, and where you're at on the love cycle, so if you're at a stage of storage, where you know, you just prefer friendship over romance, then that can grow from there. Some people are pragmatic, which is pragmatic, where they want to get married. They want to have children. They've met somebody who wants the same as them. The chemistry is there's no bells and whistles, but they both are what they want at that point.

Starting point is 00:23:00 So when you go into where you are at on your journey right now it is the truth that you really want a relationship are you prepared to take the risk on your peace are you asking me yeah oh you are oh that's the question you need to ask yourself and have answered yeah no and I think that's a good is I know that I'm really happy on my own, but also I really, I know that I don't want to grow old alone. So yeah, I know that I do, truly, truly, yeah, I do want the family. How old are you now, Daisy? 28. Okay, so you've just come out of your actualisation phase, right?

Starting point is 00:23:38 So 21 to 28 is where, if you don't happen to have children, you haven't got married and other things are you've learned a lot about yourself so 28 to 35 is nest building phase okay so this is where you're in the decision making process so the get ready for love um book that you've been looking at the thing is where you start to understand who your soul is calling for as a mate so I think what I'm hearing from you is I don't just want anyone I want my someone yes which is why I think it's so hard to date now because that comes with a lot more pressure than it did at 25 and just meeting a really nice guy right yep yep so be careful that you're looking at the reality, not the potential. Okay. What do you mean by that?

Starting point is 00:24:29 Right. Okay. So a lot of people fall in love with somebody. Just if they had somebody to support them, if they had somebody to nurture them, they might achieve, they could be this, they could be that. You see the potential. If you fall in love with someone's potential you've got probably a 90 chance that they're never going to meet their potential unless they choose to what you want to do is to look out for that person who's showing up as themselves not in their potential okay us women we love to change people we love to kind of nurture we love to help other people grow because we're hoping they'll

Starting point is 00:25:03 help us grow when actually what it should be is that we are growing ourselves and then we're looking for our equal and understanding like i said earlier on understanding what you want because you're coming now into 28 to 35 so this is your nest building right so do i want marriage do i want children do i want to buy a home if so what would my partner look like how many children would I want where would I want to live this is where you're now coming into your foundation building for the future because 21 to 28 hopefully you've experimented you've met a lot of different people you've done some different jobs maybe you've lived in some different places and you've

Starting point is 00:25:41 got a clear understanding and you've come to peace, which is where you're virtually at with who you are. So now you want to find your soul's mate. And what I find a lot of my clients do is they wait to be chosen. So they don't have much action behind finding the person. They don't know what they're looking for, so they wait for someone to choose them. Yeah yeah and especially if they fall in love with potential they'll wait till he's no longer a drug addict or no longer a workaholic or or just until he gets over his ex or um until he decides to leave home or until he's out of the ludos phase which is the messing around

Starting point is 00:26:26 phase right they'll wait rather though so they'll wait to be chosen rather than choose yeah no i know i don't do that yeah but i see and i can also understand why people yeah because it's that i think the exhaustion of dating comes in and people get lazier with dating so they kind of wait for someone to date yeah yeah understanding what you want it at the end of the day you need to where you are at on your face what's the next important i've had i hear people talk about failed relationships and it makes me mad there's no such thing as a failed relationship. Because from every relationship, you've grown more into the person that you were due to become or not due to become and you will change. So without relationships, there is no growth or change.

Starting point is 00:27:23 So the only failed relationship is no relationship which we need to be careful at when we get to peace that are we if we still want to keep growing then we've got to take that risk into love and relationships and not necessarily perfect ones what we talk about in the book get ready for love and on the program is never compromise your non-negotiables which are your top five but then you have um nice to have some priorities that's where the list of oh he's got to be a gym buff he's got to be six foot he's got to be earning x amount they're the nice to have and priorities okay and they're just a list of things that the person you end up with may well not fulfill but your negotiation non-negotiables should never be negotiated on so for instance a non-negotiable for me is non-smoking yeah mine

Starting point is 00:28:19 would be um like not taking drugs like raves and weekends and stuff. Somebody could be and that they don't want somebody with children. That could be male or female. And the problem is when you compromise your non-negotiables, you're rarely going to get your needs met. So look at your top five non-negotiables. And for most people, I already write it into the programme, that chemistry has got to be one of them for um you know for for non-negotiable so it's like what are so some people i had a client the other day who was like

Starting point is 00:28:52 no pets she was absolutely hate he can't have a dog he can't have a no i don't want anybody with any pets but if she went out and she met somebody in a club and she went out on a couple of dates, how is she going to know that he's got pets? So this is where when you start understanding what your non-negotiables are, you need to start finding out early on in the dating pool whether they're going to likely to meet them because if they talk non-stop about their dog, hello, if your non-negotiable is non-pets,

Starting point is 00:29:24 move on, it doesn't matter how hot he is.'t matter how much like move on the dog thing's hilarious because we've had so many guys love their dogs so much more than me so i i hate dogs for that reason right and there you go maybe that's her as well she doesn't want to compete or she can't compete full stop how funny um when we talk about non-negotiables we'll get into love languages like how important it is to have conversations like non-negotiables find out those early on in dating when with love languages how important is it to understand each other's and what the other person wants when can that be a conversation right so love languages are really interesting because they show you how you receive love um one of the biggest things that

Starting point is 00:30:13 i try and impart in my coaching work is that we teach people how to love us right by how we respond and the boundaries we set we don't get what we deserve in life. We get what we expect. Okay, so how we show up. So if quality time is your primary love language, then dating somebody who's abroad or long distance is not going to work with you. And interestingly, there's something called

Starting point is 00:30:43 the VAC representational system which if you're visual your love language is most likely to be quality time therefore getting a long distance relationship is going to be a problem full stop so understanding both your rep system and your love language really helps you understand what you need from somebody. So when you're in the dating pool, you can select wisely. But what is equally important is once you're out of the dating phase and move into the relationship phase, if you're not understanding what their love language is, and it definitely doesn't have to be the same as yours. You just not have to presume that the way they do love is the same way as yours so i constantly hear people say i would never do that

Starting point is 00:31:32 to him yeah but you're loving in a different way than they are that doesn't mean they don't love you it just means they show it differently. So acts of service. Kinesthetics. So kinesthetics know things. They're quite spiritual people. Okay, so this is the VAK, isn't it? Yeah, the visual, audio or kinesthetic. Kinesthetics work out of their gut.

Starting point is 00:31:57 They know things. They can just tell if you're lying. They'll say very often, I know how you feel. They process through their emotions okay so their love language is very highly likely to be acts of service or physical touch so actually somebody not taking out the bins this old thing about putting the toilet seat down or taking out the bins what it's basically saying is the person who's complaining about it that their love language is acts of service it's a huge thing for some people somebody won't put out the bins or put the toilet seat so whereas if you're audio then you've got to show up and those i'm highly audio. So I need those texts and those phone calls that you mentioned earlier on. OK, I don't have to see you for weeks, months. It's fine with

Starting point is 00:32:51 me, but you have to stay in regular contact. So understanding your own language, then you can teach the other person how you feel loved. But then it's really important to then get a handle on theirs so that they can feel loved as well okay yeah i agree with you i'm more audio so i need the words of affirmation so i need someone to tell me that i look nice or that they love me i need it to be said rather than them like bringing me flowers and how we this is where so love only lasts seven years the oxytocin the chemical love only actually lasts seven years okay so and that's designed because originally what we were supposed to do was to get into a relationship to procreate and that they say give me a child to the age of seven and i'll show you the man well that basically means that your child needs the caregivers for the first seven years.

Starting point is 00:33:45 So that's why love lasts seven years, because it's biologically meet the needs of the parents to stay together long enough for the offspring to be able to survive. If you think back to caveman days, like the child learnt by the age of seven how to build a fire to keep himself warm, be able to cook food, ward off animals, keep himself clean, otherwise he'd die food ward off animals to keep himself clean otherwise he'd

Starting point is 00:34:06 die from infection those kind of things so love as an oxytocin as a chemical wears off after seven years hence the term the seven-year itch okay and this also the prime time when divorces are applied for january in the seventh year of a relationship or marriage. So if you haven't done work like understanding somebody, the visual, audio, kinesthetic, if you don't know whether they, and I haven't yet met a client whose gift giving is a a hundreds of people that I've worked with never met a client that's over 15 percent as gift giving really as their way of showing or receiving love and the majority of my clients at the moment are between 19 and 35 right so we're not talking about because I'm working with a different generation 19 that's young isn't it to come and seek help as well for love? Well they're actually

Starting point is 00:35:05 coming in at the time they're coming in through anxiety or through other mental health issues they may be having panic attacks and things like that but what's so interesting is when they come in there's a lack of self-love there's a lack of being able to feel love in their peer groups or in their families it's always come down to love so they might step in now because there's several routes you can access me via from the mental health side of things for me i want i actually want to rename mental health because as i told you when i went into hospital i didn't have a label my emotional health was zero so I actually call myself an emotional health therapist rather than the mental health therapist.

Starting point is 00:35:48 I like that. I think that something about the mental comes with a bit of a stigma. Well, you're looking for labels. I have to, as a qualified therapist, I have to check in with your label status because I cannot do hypnosis with borderline personality disorders and things like that. So clinically, I have to check in with your mental health.

Starting point is 00:36:04 But it tells me nothing whether you're taking sertraline for depression that doesn't tell me anything i'm looking for your sadness levels because the wheels of life and love are about how happy you are on your journey it's it's not about the labels that you've been defined i had a client who's who i've actually got a couple of clients with body dysmorphic disorder okay so when you get a label like that or bulimia or anything like that you start to see yourself as a problem but actually it's just an output of sadness a lack of love and a lack of control over life these are all symptoms whether they're depression panic attacks so at 19 they're not necessarily coming in because they don't feel loved or in a relationship but they are struggling with being here in the world with panic attacks and depression so therefore they can't access love

Starting point is 00:36:58 and without love where is life worth i i saw something the other day and I do think that you need self love to be able to receive love however I'd like to get your opinion on this it was a social media post that I saw that said we need to stop drilling into people that you need to love yourself fully first before you can be loved because it makes the person feel like they're not lovable but you can not love yourself fully but find love that can grow you into loving yourself interesting i see both sides okay without self-love the journey of love is going to be a difficult one because where does it land okay um if you if you have a bucket with a hole in it and you water it,

Starting point is 00:37:50 that there's not going to be anything left in the bucket after it. But at the same time, we grow through relationships. OK, this is why I say you should always be dating as you're growing. But if you're hurting, you shouldn't be. So I think growing but if you're hurting you shouldn't be so i think it's where you are at on your journey so when clients come in if their scores are under five then there's therapy to be acquired five and above is coaching so i think it's it's where you are at on your journey of life self-love is something that we're born with then we lose going through big school my stepson's no such thing as big school go through big schools that's when we tend to

Starting point is 00:38:30 to lose it okay in our peer groups when we lose sight of who we are 21 to 28 then comes is where we're supposed to in theory reconnect without that reconnection to self, you're choosing people that are inappropriate for you. So love will become much more difficult. So I see both sides. You have to be in relationships with people to be able to grow. But at the same time, if there's no self-love, you're going to be chosen and your journey is going to be part of theirs. You're not going to be somebody that happens to life. You're going to be someone that life happens to.

Starting point is 00:39:06 So I can see both sides of it. But if you're continually getting problems in the relationships and you know that there's no self-love, don't continue dating. Because you're just damaging yourself. It's a form of self-harm. You need to heal first so that you can make better choices and go into a relationship from a place of loving yourself like i said we're teaching people how to love us so if we have no self-love what are you teaching the other person that i'm not worthy of your love and i once saw a cartoon that said said this is so indicative of relationships and the guy said my wife told me she was fat 99 times it wasn't till the hundredth time that i saw she was right and that i believed her

Starting point is 00:39:56 because if you show up as i'm not lovable i know you're going to leave me i know that i'm not good enough for you initially the person's going to fight that but after a while you're teaching them actually that is true that is the truth and i see what you mean and it's something in therapy called what the thinker thinks the prover proves so you say it often enough the other person's going to believe you this is why half the population in america believe that trump won the election because you say things often enough yeah there'll be enough people that will will believe you gosh that's so interesting isn't it um going back to the love languages does what you how you need to be loved stem from how you were brought up do you think like I had someone on the podcast that said she

Starting point is 00:40:56 needs to be told all the time that she's doing well and words of affirmation she thinks because she's a only child so she always got that as a child for example okay i i would say to her straight away i would smile knowingly because until we get to the work i can't prove it to her there's actually three parts of us okay and it's her inner child is dating okay when she's she's just said it to me she's just said because i didn't hear that i was loved because it's her inner child is dating that will always be needy clingy and end up as a manic relationship that when he's out of sight or out of contact or hasn't replied to her within two hours she's becoming manic she's not connected to herself she hasn't done the work there's not self-love there so her inner child is dating okay when it's a power control when there's a need for us to be in other people's journey it

Starting point is 00:41:47 could be the ego that's dating the only healthy relationship is your connection to yourself and you dating with somebody who knows themselves that's why the work has to be done so when you get two inner childs dating it's so funny to watch it's so it's and i don't know if you if you um if you watch love island at all but there was a couple on there that are constant arguments okay and they won the show and they were just in their inner child the whole time is it recent the recent one yeah the recent one so um that was uh sammy and jess yeah they kind of they're just their inner childs were just totally looking for playmates there so and that will cause a lot of issues that will be uh so doing that this comes back to why the self-love

Starting point is 00:42:37 is important because the opposite of self-love is self-harm self-sabotage lack of self-confidence lack of self-awareness so the lack of self-love causes the problems in the relationships so if it's got to the point where you're attracting the wrong people and you're having toxic relationship after toxic relationship stop get the self-love sorted out but if you're growing in self-love, so I have clients that are healing from abusive relationships, go ahead and date. But you're learning from that dating how to love yourself differently because you're doing the work. You're in therapy, you're in coaching, you're doing the work. So when you're showing up in your relationship, it's a completely different version of you that was in the previous one. so it goes back to your question of whether you should be dating it's how toxic are your dating experiences will give you a good clue of

Starting point is 00:43:30 how ready you are for a relationship okay i'm taking it all in but your scores are quite healthy your scores are seven so yours is a yours is um what we might call a unicorn state where you're looking for perfection, possibly. Okay. And the areas that you need to grow in, in terms of relationship wise, is maybe someone who challenges you. But I don't know how much you enjoy being challenged. I think I quite like it. You might like it or you won't like it. No, I think I do.

Starting point is 00:44:11 Right. I don't mind it. Your scores are coming up. You need somebody who knows themselves. Yeah, I know that. You need somebody who you can learn from. I don't know what ages you're dating in, but you need somebody quite mature,

Starting point is 00:44:28 as in somebody who's maybe gone through a few relationships, serious relationships, and is not prepared to just date for the sake of it. So who you're looking for, who your soul is looking for is that mate, is who you can grow with. And which is why I kind of pulled you earlier on with when you're teaching somebody else, what you are thirsty for is grace.

Starting point is 00:44:54 So the person that you will be most attracted to is that one that comes in and you sit on their every word. You want to hear, you want to grow grow you want to learn from them so what's coming up for me especially if your audio is look for somebody that you can sit and listen to okay somebody who you just want to speak to because with us audio people and there were only two out of ten of the population of audio yeah right of course exactly they don't people yeah we do tend to over talk people we're not the best at kind of stopping back and like what have i got to learn from this person so rather than looking at somebody my suggestion would be to rather than looking at somebody for what you can bring to them look up what can you learn from them i like that advice because i was saying earlier um to someone that's actually to jay williams that's done a podcast

Starting point is 00:45:57 episode uh in season one episode six or seven the mindset coach and I was saying to him I I think the reason I'm struggling today is because I am looking for someone that shows up like I do and what I can offer so I you're right I need to like learn from them rather than having that expectation of you know what I'm looking for I need them to it's going to be somebody for you that's been through a lot really yeah interesting it's going to be somebody for you that's struggled and has conquered the struggles that's who you're what you're looking for i can see in your scores is to level up to become the next version of you right you're you're at peace with who you are you're prepared to risk and go down on your scores to actually search for for somebody who can challenge you and your ideas because that's

Starting point is 00:46:55 what you're looking for is that growth that's interesting because jay williams outside said the exact same thing okay that you need someone that challenges you yeah um because he said he he i remind him of his wife that needed that as well i think we're quite similar so yeah that was quite interesting your scores are showing me that your scores are showing that for you to grow it needs to be somebody who's going to be challenging and they would have struggled and it's really interesting what you said earlier on, because there's always keys. We know everything we need to know. You said that one of your non-negotiables is someone who does drugs, who doesn't do drugs.

Starting point is 00:47:32 OK, so somebody who's a recovering drug abuser is going to have learned a lot. Somebody who's in recovery from that. So don't rule out people who've had that in their past. It's about what struggles have they come through and what have they learned from it because it's unlikely that drug abusers you're going to know that up front anyway okay but somebody who can openly say to you you know i'm a recovering addict um that's somebody for you that could really you could learn a lot from so don't throw the baby out with the bath water and where they've been it's about who they are

Starting point is 00:48:11 and where they go in for you and just take away from today all I say to clients at the end of our sessions is take away whatever landed with you let everything else go but there will be one or two nuggets that have landed with you today. And that's for you. The rest will be for someone else. Everyone will take a different takeaway from your podcast today, your podcast next time. Whatever it is, two things that landed with you, they're the ones that are meant for you.

Starting point is 00:48:40 So life's for loving. That's all we're really here for. So just get on and do it. Take some risks, girl. Oh, thank you. It's been so nice. I've learnt loads. Hey, it's Daisy.

Starting point is 00:48:52 Thank you so much for listening to part one of episode 16. TJ Gibbs is just full of wisdom, isn't she? Also known as the Love Coach. You can head to thelovecoach.co.uk if you want to check her out, check out the wheels of love, life and happiness and check out your score as well. And part two is going to be up next week. So don't miss that because in next week's part two episode, we're going to talk about the love cycles. Now I did an Instagram post on this and it actually comes from the ancient Greeks, of course it does, everything does. And basically it's different cycles of love and phases of love

Starting point is 00:49:31 that we can be in at different times and at different points of our life and different points in our relationship. Now this goes for kind of all types of relationship but obviously we've spoken about these cycles within a romantic relationships context so check out my instagram post on that i will link it in the bio of this and i'll see you next week and of course in the meantime please like leave a comment if you really liked it subscribe and yeah it just really helps to follow like and share every little really does help see you next week

Daisie Dates - EP16 PART 1| Love Cycles & Non-Negotiables

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