Daisie Dates - EP17| Navigating BREAK-UPS and EFT Tapping

Episode Date: November 17, 2023

Welcome back!! In this Episode, Holly Jaskolka of Breakups and Love joins me to chat about Break-Ups and Heartbreak. We have all been there and we all experience these emotions... it's one thing we all have in common. But we all deal with these things differently and sometimes in hindsight, we don't always like how we dealt with it. We chat about navigating a break up and looking after yourself during one, aswell as talking about TAPPING, also known as EFT as a form of calm in the breakup. Emotional freedom technique (EFT) is an alternative treatment for physical pain and emotional distress. Do you need to love yourself to date? Is it possible to get through heartbreak without experiencing that MANIA of needing closure? Is closure necessary? Can we get over a breakup quicker than we think? All of these questions are answered in this episode. FOLLOW ME: Insta: @daisiebelle @daisiedatespodcast TikTok: @daisiebelle6 @daisiedatespodcast The Daisie Dates Podcast is available on all streaming platforms. Follow Holly @breakupsandlove__ Grab a hot chocolate and enjoy!  P.S This is a relationships and dating podcast which is in the podcast charts. I cover mindset, heartbreak, rewiring thoughts and we chat all things finding love, aswell as finding ways for being happy single and embracing dating, choosing to not date at all or just having fun!  PLEASE like and subscribe or leave a review - every little helps and this podcast is produced, presented, filmed and edited by me. Enjoy the episode!! Dais xoxo

Hello, welcome to the Daisy Dates podcast where I talk all things dating, relationships, mindset and well today, a little bit of heartbreak. I'm joined with Holly Justkolker from Breakups and Love and Holly is a breakup coach and accredited EFT practitioner. She's also a yoga teacher as well and has been running yoga classes and self-care sessions for quite a few years and she uses a lot of relaxation and visualization techniques with her clients which I'm hoping we'll get kind of a taster of today as well to help you especially if you're going through a little bit of a heartbreak welcome Holly hi thank you for having me I'm really excited yeah well I love your reels I love the quotes you put on your

Instagram and I think you've got a lot of useful tips and of course from your own experience as well so we're kind of going to delve in deep and bring that up because well it's quite exciting to see how much progress you've made in the last year. But we'll get into that shortly. But first, I always do start with a this or a that game. So in terms of a breakup, after a breakup, go no contact or keep as friends? No contact. We'll talk about that as well. Delete and block or take no action? Delete and block.

Would you rather a breakup in real life or over the phone in real life wine and dined or picnic in the park both i love it yes red or white wine at red love it and walk and talk or sit down dinner oh again both but walk and talk if I had to pick one yeah for like a first date yeah I think that's nice I think it keeps it casual and it keeps it like kind of low pressure yeah as well yeah which I think works quite nicely so we are going to delve into breakups now I did a breakup episode in episode seven where I opened up about some of my heartbreak and actually some of the heartbreak I spoke about was two or three years ago and some new stuff has kind of came out recently that I've only just found out this week

about that breakup which is weird like you know when something happens a few years later when you find out I kind of assume that there was like cheating going on, but then it comes like you hear the truth years later. But it has no effect on you when you hear this stuff years later. And that's where hindsight is a beautiful thing. Because had I have heard that during the breakup, that would have been, I think, knowing the fact that it was true would have hit a lot worse. So do go back and listen to episode seven if you haven't.

I'm sure we'll touch on some of it in this episode anyway but Holly from you can you talk to us a little bit about the breakup that kind of kicked breakups and love off yes of course so well that's an interesting question actually because I think a breakup in my I'm now 35 and a breakup in my early 20s actually started this whole journey although I didn't realize it at the time but the breakup that really kind of catapulted me into what I'm doing now in a much more refined way I suppose is the one I had last year in 2022 early 2022 um so I've been unhappy in that relationship for a long time probably around about a year 18 months um it was a little bit turbulent of a relationship at the beginning as

well um but we did have a good year in between we were together for around about four years and by the way a lot of what I'm saying now as you've mentioned hindsight like a lot of what I realize now is very reflective and I think it's very easy easy not to see it at the time um but the actual breakup itself we yeah we were having problems for a little while we we couldn't resolve certain things that kept coming up again and again we couldn't come to an agreement um I had this like deep down faith that we would figure it out I mean I knew I was unhappy and I debated whether to um leave the relationship myself um but kind of I wanted it to work and I don't mind saying that I did want it to work and I thought that it was possible that it could work um but fundamentally our values and the way we'd been brought up were entirely different. And although that's not like a bad thing in many ways, it really affected our relationship.

So there was tensions going on. And by the way, I'm not blaming him at all. I chose to stay in that situation. I think it's really important to be reflective and realistic about both sides. Honest. Yeah, exactly. really important to be reflective and realistic about both sides and honest yeah yeah exactly um but so the the breakup itself we were having um issues and then we were having a an argument as such or a heated conversation which sounds ridiculous when I say it back but it all

revolved around bongos bingo which is a bongo's bingo you know the bongos bingo that people go to um and we were having this kind of argument and not about bongos bingo but the situation involved bongos bingo and um he just said uh I need to leave so I said okay he said I'm going to go for space he left left for space, went to his, to stay with family. We lived together at the time. And, um, I can, I'd respected that and said, okay, go for space. We'll speak at the weekend. This was on the Tuesday. And then on the Friday, I opened a letter that said occupier from the Royal mail. Um, and it said a confirmation that the post from this person has been redirected. So I sent him a text with a picture that the post from this person has been redirected so I sent him a text with a picture of the letter and said is this what I think it is like are we

over um and he said yeah um but we can still speak if you want and that was kind of it after obviously living together um it was my house but he moved into it a few years later. Then he didn't come back. We saw each other once. I dropped off some stuff with him and then I left the house and he went round and got the rest of his things. And I wasn't there. He left his key. And we had to have some conversations in the months after that because I decided to sell the

house I was ready to leave the area and like move away and have a fresh new start um so we had to speak because of you know having been on the mortgage together but it wasn't it wasn't nice in in terms of the conversation was difficult and, but it was civil, but it was difficult at times. And yeah, then the house sold and that was it. We haven't, we haven't spoken since that was last August, the house sold.

So it was, it was a big relief actually being able to not, being able to go no contact after that point. And I chose to go no contact and I say delete and block. And that's very, I know every go no contact and I say delete and block and that's very I know every situation is unique and different in every breakup and um we'll probably talk about this later but I don't think there's any hard fast rule that's just my personal opinion of what really helped me in that breakup um but at the time of the breakup I I wasn't I was struggling with my mental health due to previous experience with domestic abuse.

And I had been told I'd got post-traumatic stress. So at the time we broke up, I'd been dealing with that. And I'd basically been living in a state of hypervigilance for quite a long time. I'd been quite unhappy, but not really been able to put my finger on it and then started having physical symptoms which then led me to go to the doctor about it so I was already having therapy for that at the time that he left um and I'm really grateful for that because it not only helped me deal with the past experience but helped me through the breakup as well um and that and I had that for 11 months so it was a really tough time that where it was a house sale it was a breakup it was dealing with

a previous previous experience it was a very cold quick sudden blindsided breakup um even though like I say we were having problems but it was a lot to deal with and having been quite miserable for some years before even the relationship um I just knew this is it uh I've got to do everything that I have been speaking to people about I've really got to put all this into practice I've really got to look after myself here and figure this out and um and learn from this not just this experience but from all of the experiences I've had since my breakup in my early 20s which basically is where lots of different things started to happen so that's why I say that one's the really the catalyst but it was last year that was like no this is a real test everything's the test now and um it's time

to get happy oh I love that well I think you're you're definitely on the way you you know you posted a photo the other day of well some videos of you on your Instagram stories a year ago compared to now and I messaged you because I was like this is insane like you don't realize how sad you are at the time well maybe you do but you don't realize how it affects you in every single essence of your being when you're that sad and I look back at photos after well not purposely but you know when you come across them on the camera roll and I came across some recently and I was like gosh I did not look good everything about me even like my hair looked unhealthy and and it's weird how you have this you your glow just goes and then it comes back one day but unfortunately deep in the

break you don't always think that it will yeah and so did you own the house and then he came on the mortgage with you eventually yeah so I I bought the house before I'd met him and we were going to, COVID happened and I was trying to sell the house so we could buy together. Because of COVID, there was all these, obviously problems with house sales and we just, I'd moved out basically and the house sale was going through

and then it fell through because of issues with COVID. Everything was just a mess in COVID. And then one day I just said to him, look, is there I've got an empty house why don't you know we're looking for another house but why don't we yeah move in and in hindsight that I don't think was a good idea for the relationship in of itself I think having a fresh new start in a new house that we both thought together would have been a good idea but you know at the time you just do what you think's best and yeah a lesson learned I think um there's that song isn't there perfect strangers and I think that's so scary especially when entering a new relationship I'm in a new one now and I think what's so weird is um to think how one day

they could be strangers again um like after after a certain amount of years I don't think you assume that they're going to be a stranger and I think you know you read about people ghosting people and I think time doesn't necessarily mean anything I think you could have a great three months with someone and you can still be in a lot of pain if they hurt you and ghost you or whatever but you don't expect people to do that to you four years in or you know even a year like you just don't be able to lack that much respect that there isn't like a face-to-face long conversation rather than a sign that comes to your house or you know just a notice that you get I think that's so hard to deal with yeah it was really hard I think I think I mean I'm not again when I look back I'm not I'm not it was hard at

the time and I was really angry and upset and it took a lot of processing and I know a lot of people have breakups where the ending in itself can actually be hot harder to come to terms with than the fact that you're not with this person anymore and that's certainly how I felt where the way it happened was it wasn't that such that we weren't together felt where the way it happened was, it wasn't such that we weren't together. It was the way it happened. And I know I felt at the time, whether this is correct or not, I can only speak for me. But I felt at the time that the conversation we did have, that time that I dropped off some things, felt a little bit tokenistic after finding that letter. felt a little bit tokenistic after finding that letter and that was hard knowing that or feeling that um somebody that you've been with for a long time invested this time in didn't want to kind of

honor uh kind of a kind compassionate way um because we had had a time before that where we'd spoken about separating and I remember saying well we've got a few options here we let's sleep on it and in the morning let's make a decision together let's figure this out you if you leave and go for space and let's have a thing or you leave and you leave and that's it or we just work as a team and get through this and I remember thinking at the time like if this doesn't work it doesn't work and it's okay and we need to just be kind to each other and if I can say it in that way and know that I've tried everything I can and we both but we both figure this out together and we agree and it's it's hard to say it's mutual because obviously

you don't want it to happen but when I thought back to that point I thought like I I it would have been so nice to have that same um response or situation when it finally did end of that let's just let's have a conversation here and agree it's not working and but yeah it the ending was hard it was tough especially with everything else going on going on for me at the time and it felt like it all came at once and everything came crashing down so it wasn't always does in a breakup doesn't it it's like everything goes wrong it's like you get like something breaks on your car like it always happens during the breakup it's like you manifest everything else happens because you're just putting out such bad vibes to everywhere you

go um did you feel I assume you lacked I feel I think you felt like you lacked closure there right um yeah yeah closure is a funny one um because I've got like certain things things that I feel about closure and of itself as a kind of term and a concept but yeah it certainly felt it just felt very confusing. I mean, now I look back on it, I'm like, it is what it is. It's okay. People are in tight, people feel the way they feel. The way they end a relationship doesn't necessarily mean they're a bad person, even though the behavior you might not agree with. I've got no resentment towards him for doing it in that way. he was doing the best he knew at the

time whether I agree with it or not you know I don't think there's any benefit for carrying carrying that on and holding on to that and that was part of the work that I did to kind of just come to a place of it is what it is very mature well yeah you could say that I think I think it's like about if you if you hold on to it is it benefit is it benefiting and I feel like you know it's trying to it's it's trying if you can't understand it it's okay like you might never understand it or get it but I'd rather not understand it and move on and be like well it, it is what it is, than hold on to resentment. Yeah. OK, so then what are your thoughts on closure? So to me, I think a lot of people think that there's this perfect moment where you'll have that final conversation,

where they'll tell you all of the reasons and then you'll be OK and you'll finally walk away and you'll finally feel like okay I get it now I understand and now I feel better and tomorrow I'll wake up and I'll be able to move on and it and sometimes I think people think they need closure and inverted commas to be able to be happy and move on when really sometimes that well I didn't get closure though I need the closure though can be kind of an avoidance of the reality of look this just didn't work out and it's not that I, I think closure is kind in the way that people want it to be like, as I've mentioned, you know, it would be nice to have a nice conversation and be like, look, I'm explaining it to you in the best way I can. I'm sorry that I've hurt you, but this is the decision I'm making for me. And that you could see that as closure, but in reality,

it doesn't make it any easier. If you want relationship to work you still have to face the fact that this relationship is over and sometimes I think people hold on to this idea of closure as that light bulb moment where everything makes sense and you don't hurt anymore and that's what I mean by you know you can live in that you can you could have that conversation and then you could think well hang on there's still unanswered questions well hang on I still didn't get the closure I wanted. And it's having that, like, almost giving the power away to the other person until you think that you get what you need from them. When in reality, sometimes you just never get what you think you need

because all you need, all you want is to have them back. And dealing with the reality of this is over now, I've got to focus on me and give myself the closure by by bringing myself into acceptance basically but also I think there's always one more question that you could ask and also unless they tell the absolute bluntest truth yeah it isn't really closure anyway because the breakup two or three years ago I really did try for answers and only I guess now this week with the new news that would have been what I thought could have been closure at the time but I never got the truth at the time of what I thought was happening which

has been confirmed so I think unless they're really going to sit there and bluntly tell you the truth which is rare that someone wants to do that usually because they they're avoiding the conversation because they know it's going to be hurtful yeah I feel like you're never really going to get that full closure so you're right I think you have to take full control of yourself and your mind which is what you teach with breakups and love and you have so much good advice there let's touch on no contact and your thoughts there because this is something that's like I I think it's recently gone like very viral online people talking about no contact I mean obviously it's not a new thing but I think maybe with newer technology it's easier to just get someone out of your life yeah and so what are your thoughts on no contact and how extreme can we go should we or

you know I know there's no rules but could we go with it yeah so I think it's important to know that some people can't break contact because of like like I said mortgages legal kids marriage um you know some people have really complex relationships in terms of they don't feel safe to break contact because you know there's that whole there's a whole other level of things to deal with where you know you maybe feel safer to be in contact so you know there's that whole there's a whole other level of things to deal with where you know you maybe feel safer to be in contact so you know what what's the ex's intention are but that's you know that's a different situation altogether but then I think like there's this whole like narrative online around having the no contact rule and I think that's

where people get confused is because they're feeling all of these emotions and all and they're trying their best to not be in contact but the emotions take over and then they break the contact and then they think well I broke the rule it's all my fault and then it turns into this kind of oh I didn't follow the rule and now I've done it wrong and it's like no you're dealing with an emotional human experience where yes break it you know going no contact could really benefit you if it's not helping you to be in contact then be honest with yourself and don't be in contact it's the same with social media we're still friends on social media and i can i get a lot of dms about this and i can see they're posting this and they've said this on their story and you know we're trying

to stay friends but now this is upsetting me and it's like look technically that's contact you're not maybe not speaking but you're seeing things is this doing you any favors rather than focus on what they're doing bring it back onto you um is me being in contact if i can break contact and i can cut contact is it really benefiting me right now and and how can i protect myself so the only rule I think there should be around no contact is being honest with yourself about what that contact is bringing into your life and whether that is helping you to move on. Because if the reality is, is that the situation is over, but you're still in contact, ask yourself why? What is the benefit to me? And the thing is, as well, is that, but also

having said that, if you then break contact because you have an emotional moment where you just want them back and you want to declare your love for them again, also you're human. So, you know, you don't have to buy into this rule thing and beat yourself up and give yourself a hard time because also that's not doing you any favors either. So I encourage no contact, but I fully understand that it's not always that simple and it doesn't always just happen in this clean cut get the closure break the contact move on two months later you're completely fine it just doesn't happen like that we're humans and every single

breakup and every single relationship is totally unique and we all deal with it in our own way because we all know people I mean I'm sure we've done it ourselves as well it's literally like a form of self-harm in a different way like in a mental way when they're like checking the girls that they've followed since the breakup and all they've been on holiday and this girl that I've never heard of before has liked the photo so obviously they got together on holiday and it's it's torturous and we've all been there and it is it's awful and you just sit there and you think why why am I doing this reading over texts of what they once were three years ago he said this how can he now say yeah last week we had a perfect date and now he's breaking up with me how does

and it is absolutely torturous how did you use your time well after your breakup to like stop those awful moments so like I said we we there wasn't any blocking when it came to the initial stages of my breakup and I will be totally honest I did a lot of things to help me not be in contact but when before I decided no block delete that's it enough like no after the house sale when I didn't need to stay in contact I did have moments where because of the situation I was like I need him to tell me I need I need to speak to him I'd need to understand and I did break contact in terms of I didn't just stay in touch sometimes for the house sale um but once that was done I go in no contact and

deleting and blocking and not just him anyone with any connection to him removed because it was like that I don't want to fall into that trap of seeing something by accident I need to just completely accept this now um but in terms of what I did I firstly I think there's a lot of different approaches that you can use and this is what I talk about online and what I did, I firstly, I think there's a lot of different approaches that you can use. And this is what I talk about online and what I help people with is that obviously you're going to go through an emotional time. And it's so important to find a strategy to calm and soothe and regulate your emotions. And for me, this was every single day journaling, getting everything out on paper whenever it was coming up. EFT tapping, which is what I practice. I'm a practitioner. Nature. Nature is an amazing way

to regulate yourself as well. Going outside, having a walk. So I was doing things like that to regulate how I was feeling. And by that, I mean ways to handle what was coming up for me and soothe myself and make myself feel better in the moment because it's it's doing it's doing that for yourself that stops you from making those choices of spiraling out of control and the only thing that is going to help me is I need to speak to my ex right now I'm going to go around there I'm going to beg them to speak to me if you can't regulate how you're feeling in the moment then you're likely to make poor choices that you might regret later and have them more to deal with on top of the breakup um but then there's the other thing of your stability and it's thinking really

practically about okay for me it was I have to go to my job because I have to pay the mortgage um I what do I need to be stable I need to get a good sleep I need to turn up for my job um it's counting on people around you you want to go into hermit mode and hide away, and that's fine, but it's also sometimes forcing yourself to be around people who love you, who can take your mind off it, who can spend time with you, who can listen to you, but also you can ask about them, so it can distract you from the breakup for 10 minutes, because you'll be thinking about it 24 hours a day, up in the self-care, so a lot of people they hear self-care and they either zone out because they're like oh it's self-care's everywhere or they think oh it's just a face mask and a bubble bath and yeah those things are important because they're nice to do and they're

nice to do for you and give yourself a little bit of bit of tlc but self-care to me is again those honest conversations with yourself like this breakup is happening i can either just wait for it to blow over and kind of and this is what I've done in the past which is why I'm so passionate about it have a breakup feel emotional and just wait for the next person to come along to take this pain away no kind of no kind of standing in my power and thinking no what can I learn from this where did I go wrong what would I change what would I never accept again um and just kind of be knocked knocked in life of like oh I'm

in a new relationship now and actually if you've not kind of looked at the previous relationship and dealt with the breakup you're likely and I'm not saying this is for everyone you know for me it meant I ended up in relationships that were not healthy for me because I hadn't looked at my own self-worth and my own patterns and what I even wanted from a relationship I hadn't looked at my own self-worth and my own patterns and what I even wanted from a relationship. I hadn't even thought about it. I just kind of fell into them and dealt with it later, which is what I've been dealing with, I suppose, this last 18 months. And so in terms of what did I do with my time? I mean, I went excessive. I'm talking like self-care is in so many bubble baths it's ridiculous um but also carrying on with therapy EFT journaling walking nature solo dates getting to discover who even

am I and what do I even need in life well I need a hobby I need more hobbies I want to build my confidence I joined a dance class that I've been going to religiously like I just feel like a breakup can be an opportunity you can either just wait for it to wait for time to pass and something to happen that's going to help you feel better or you can actually really dig deep with your time and be honest with yourself and give yourself what you need because that to me is what is going to have a real massive impact on your future happiness on your own but also on your next relationships because you can learn so much from the the person you've been with and also who you were in that relationship as well um so everything I talk about online is very practical

um and you know the other thing I just want to say to caveat that with is as well as like a lot of deep inner work and reflection and journaling and who am I and rediscovery of the self. It's so important to have fun. Like breakups are serious. Like let yourself go. Let your hair down. Have fun. Do things that uplift you. Like you don't have to go into this like rabbit hole of self analysis.

And, you know, you can do if you you want but I think you can also fall into a trap of that where you think there's something wrong with me and I need fixing and it's not about I need fixing it's about how can I just get through this and learn from it and grow through it and be better next time I think that's really good advice and I think yeah you're right I was with someone recently and a friend that's going through a long-term relationship breakup. And she's making some silly decisions, but she's not getting hurt by them. She's not hurting anyone else by them. She's just being a bit more irrational than usual.

And I'm like, you just need to do that stage because I did that, but just younger because I've been single a lot of my 20s. And now I'm more in like the serious okay final relationship mode whereas I've had a lot of people around me that have been in serious relationships since 18, 19, 20 and now they're going through the breakup so they haven't sometimes had the kind of fun and the solo holidays and the wild little silly decisions that you make as a 22 year old, 21 year old so I think it's really important to have that stage I think that's really good advice and actually journaling okay yeah so I also had a friend recently be like Daisy this journaling stuff actually really helps and she's like I mean of course it does we talk about it all the time it's all you see but also there's an aspect of it right that talking about it feels

a little bit lame like journal manifest write it down I'm totally there I believe in it all but I know how lame it can sound saying it out loud. And I know that some people are just like, what? But actually, I wrote stuff down in my last breakup and it helped loads. And I wrote down what I actually wanted in a partner. And it wasn't the person that had just broken up with me at all. Like the personality traits.

I'm realizing when I wrote down what I wanted, I realized that the person I was with actually didn't offer many of those traits at all. any way like he didn't actually treat me very nicely um and I only really realized that when I wrote it down and then when I wrote it down I was like oh can I offer this too and I realized well actually okay maybe I'm not actually ready for this perfect man that I think I want and need because I also need to like you know get some ducks in a row first as well so I think journaling writing stuff down really really helps and what's really nice about I kind of wrote down what I would want in a future partner I can now look at that

the person I'm currently with and it's new and a lot of people are great when they're new but that list is literally the person that I'm with now that's amazing and that's that and also I think if you journal your feelings it's really nice to be able to then look back and reflect how far you've come because if you journal look at the sad space you were in a year or whatever ago yeah it's really nice to see that progress switch you don't always see I guess a bit like what you saw but in videos that glow that came back I think that's why it's important to do it for like yourself to realize how far you've come for your future self yeah exactly and I think what you've said that it's an exercise I love so much is that

that whole write a list of everything you want in a in a partner um and you might not even be ready to date yet in the midst of your breakup but it's something fun to do and then look at the list and be like well do I even do that you know I'm writing down here that I want someone who goes to the gym five days a week and really takes care of the body and it's like well if the last time I went to the gym was six years ago can I actually really expect that like you need to actually you know if you're expecting this from someone then it's actually like a way that you can guide yourself in right okay I want these things, but I can now just actually go and do that myself. And maybe that's how I want to like rebuild my life into this new version of me that actually

can ask for those things because I do do them. Because a lot of us, like we expect all these amazing traits in someone else and we're not actually done. Like you say, you've got your own ducks in a row. So it's quite fun to do. And it's not about like judging yourself like oh I've not I've not been to the gym in ages I need to beat myself up it's like no we'll just go then and start enjoying it and then you might meet someone in the gym if that's what you want

I'm being honest as well like my ex did used to call me insecure and I used to hate it and I used to be like well of course I'm insecure because you never tell me that you like me I never feel certain or secure with you all of this stuff but then actually after the breakup I was like yeah okay he made me feel pretty rubbish he did but also no I thought I was really secure with good self-esteem but I wasn't so also I was honest with myself like okay he probably made it worse but I didn't have good self-esteem so I've also made that better since and that's really good now and no one would be able to say that about me now but that's where the honest with yourself is really important to like learn and reflect and

know that every relationship is two-sided exactly and I think you know if you if you look back at who you were when you got into the relationship then you can it's you know for me personally I know that when I got into the last relationship I was in I wasn't in a good space and I'm not blaming myself for it but when you're not in a good space you make choices from not that good space and when your self-esteem is low it's you can end up kind of tolerating more than what you would if it was if it wasn't low and then you can look back and be like why did I even accept that and it's like well if you went into it with low self-esteem then it's no surprise because if you didn't think much of yourself

then why would you be shocked if somebody didn't treat you right you know so it is it's about being honest with how you were before that relationship and and then it can help you to be like okay well if I want to you know improve my self-esteem then that's really going to benefit me in future and put your focus there and like it sounds like you have done so it's exactly that I mean a breakup can be like a minefield of discovery but great things can come some of the best things come from breakup like yeah you know I got the job I'd always wanted literally a few months after because like you said the stuff that you work on manifests all around in every aspect of your life you're like other relationships get better

yeah and sometimes your work can get better like other things get better because of it and um recently online I've been seeing a lot like you don't need to love yourself to get into a relationship and this is kind of a new thing that I'm seeing and I used to think you know you absolutely need to love yourself to get into a relationship but now I'm understanding the point of view that we don't have to completely love ourselves to feel like we deserve to be loved however I do think and I think you've kind of said it as well you do need to ensure that your self-esteem is still good before entering relationships so for the reason that you mentioned you you can tell if someone isn't treating you

very well I think it's a yeah I know what you yeah exactly I think it's about you know you're ready when you know you can trust yourself. So yeah, your self-esteem might not be as high as you want it to be, but as long as you know, you've got your own back. So you're like, yeah, I'm going to pay attention to that because I'm not feeling great about myself. But if someone does, says, or, you know, there's this red flag, I know that I'll trust myself to walk away. And it's not to say that you have to fully love yourself and be the best version of you ever before you can even date. But I and it's not to say that you have to fully love yourself and be the best version of you ever before you can even date but I think it's about knowing that you know what your boundaries

are and at least you're willing to really like look at that when you start dating and say no when and know when to walk away and not to tolerate and and again like you have to practice these things so you might think oh my self-esteem's great now go into a relationship but we all want it to work and we all are guilty of ignoring red flags and being like it'll be fine and you know even if your self-esteem is high so I think it's all I think I agree with that um I agree with both sides I think there's like an ongoing journey all the time I guess 100% and I think it's the willingness to learn and grow and the willingness to see

these like challenges and hurdles as an opportunity to grow which isn't always easy at the time and it's not always black and white and there's a lot of feeling and emotion but you know it's it's that as you say having really if you know if you're honest with yourself and you take the time to reflect and you know, OK, my self-worth is quite low now. I'm not feeling great about myself. Give it some attention. There's no harm in just slowing down, giving it some attention. And then as long as you have a self-awareness and you're like, OK, I've really worked at this. I'm not quite sure, but I'm ready to dip my toe in. And really like being gentle with yourself when you then have been on that journey and you're going into dating again because you might think you're

ready and you might not be but you don't know until you try so again it's like there's one element of yes I agree with it with both sides of loving yourself enough before but also being willing knowing that you're always going to be growing and learning along the way as well can you talk to us a little bit and maybe show us a little bit some EFT yeah of course I can yeah yeah what do you want to know about EFT what is it how does it regulate us I don't really know much about it other than that it's come up a lot on my Instagram like adverts and I've heard podcasts where it's like completely helped people in so many different ways so I know you know I trust that it's it works but what is it? So EFT stands for emotional freedom technique and it's also known as tapping and that's because you're tapping

on upper body acupoints and they're they are acupoints used within acupuncture or acupressure but you're stimulating them by a tapping technique with your finger and it's a mixture of psychology with the um with the calming down of your nervous system through the tapping on the acupoints and the whole concept of it is is that so to try and explain it in simple terms when you are kind of saying to yourself oh for example I've gone through this breakup I must just so my theme for this week has actually been my ex is on a pedestal and what can happen is you can be talking your ex up so much and in awe of them and they're the best person ever and they can do no wrong and they're going to be so happy and the likelihood is is that you're then talking yourself down like I'm rubbish there's nothing good about me how did I ever get them I've lost

out on the best person ever so to use EFT for that situation what you'd be doing is is naturally when you're saying not very nice things to yourself you'd be then getting frustrated with yourself why do I feel like this about myself see I am rubbish and kind of spiral out of control in your own thoughts whereas when you bring EFT into it it's about saying even though I feel right now not very worthy even though I'm talking my ex up and there's so many great things about them I fully accept how I feel and you're using statements that bring acceptance acknowledgement into what it is you're feeling and that's the the psychology part because what we can do is we can resist what we're feeling because it's uncomfortable and then actually the intensity of it magnifies whereas if you say no i

accept that i feel this way it really reduces that intensity which is what helps you to calm down calm your nervous system down and just think from a more grounded settled space and by and by saying those things at the same time as stimulating the acupoints, that's sending signals to the emotional centers in your brain and that's helping you to feel calm. So it's a combination of both of them used simultaneously. And you can use it for so many times within your breakup. So it might be that you just can't sleep because you're thinking about your ex and you're lying in bed reading all the texts.

And then you're like, oh, I'm reading these texts and you're getting yourself into this spiral again. And you can say, even though, and so you set up the reading all the texts and then you're like oh I'm reading these texts and you're getting yourself into this spiral again and you can say even though and so you set up the statement on the side of your hand point first and you can say even though I can't stop thinking about my ex and I can't sleep I love accept and forgive myself even though my ex is just constantly on my mind I accept how I feel right now. It's okay. And it's like a soothing statement to yourself. And when you've said it three times, you go around the upper body points and you repeat that. I'm thinking about my ex. I can't stop thinking about them. I can't sleep. I literally cannot get them out of my mind. And you just use your own words. And by you accepting

exactly what you're feeling in that moment, actually you do rounds and you mark it a zero to 10 before you do it. And you're, you're likely feeling it at 10 if it's really intense. And as you do a round, you'll notice that intensity come down and that helps to calm and regulate you in that, in that, in that moment. But then also, if you wake up and you're like, do you know what, I'm going to get on with the day today, had a good sleep. I'm really feeling I'm going to move on from this breakup. You can skip the side of the hand point. A lot of practitioners do it in different ways. This is the way I do it.

And you can go straight to, yeah, I've got this. I'm really, I'm going to get through this breakup. And you can go straight to it, to the tapping points on the upper body. I've got this. I'm going to get through this. I am so excited about my future. I'm going to get through this. I am so excited about my future. I'm going to get through this breakup. And you keep tapping on those, um, like affirmation statements and that can really like help to amplify those good feelings. So you can use it in different ways.

And I like to use it in both. Um, I like to encourage people to use tapping every single day for, for calming down their emotions and regulation um but also to get themselves a bit fired up as well and use tapping in the way of i've got this i can do this um and it's been around since the 90s it was originally brought in um for um military veterans and there's been wow yeah there's been a lot of research done on it there's an amazing researcher called dr peter stapleton i think she's based in australia she's got a new book out actually recently i'd really recommend it if anyone's interested and it's all around the science of eft and there's been a lot of randomized control trials and different studies on it and for

different situations such as anxiety stress um i think she even mentions eating disorders in there there's loads of different uses for eft it's used for it's used for pain as well physical pain um and it's really it's really getting up and coming now it's starting to be more recognized in the mainstream um so it's a really exciting time for eft practitioners because it is something that is you've seen it on social media because there is a there is a lot more evidence now of how it works and how it helps people yeah because I think did it come from America because it felt very American when it came over the the person who brought it in I feel like he was American yeah

um but it's the the practitioner that I've done my training with um is is based in the UK but she was one of the original kind of wow um she she worked closely with him at the time when it first came out um but it is everywhere now there's a lot of there's a lot of EFT practice practitioners around and a lot of EFT practitioners tend to have their own specialism um and their own kind of area of work or expertise and they work with clients in that specific niche or area um I mean some practitioners will work more generally but I I first trained in EFT in 2015 um actually to try and help one of my friends gave me some EFT when she did it um and I thought I'm gonna do this it might

help me with my breakup and um I just kind of used it on my on myself and dipped in and out but never really um went that far with it in terms of having clients and then it was it was in 2019 where I was actually reading tarot tarot cards um and I was just getting constant inquiries about breakups and when will my ex come back and does my ex still love me and I was like wow you know this is an eye-opener there's a lot of people really struggling with breakup pain and I remembered you know EFT like this is the thing I need to bring EFT into this and then it kind of went away from tarot and then came into into EFT and that's specifically I work with people with EFT into this and then it kind of went away from tarot and then came into into EFT and that's specifically I work with people with EFT for their breakup for emotional discomfort through

a breakup um and it helped me land yeah I genuinely think apart from obviously a very serious illness like if you experience lost grief or um experience someone being very seriously ill then I think next to that breakup is like the next worst pain like it is torturous that pain that everyone in the world goes through and when you see someone go through it you never like you just know the feeling and you're so grateful it's not you going through it at that time yeah and we never know when we're going to experience it but it's a horrible horrible pain I'm not sure there's many you know there's people that can have very mutual happier breakups but it's still painful for even family members can you know when they're still up that can hurt as well if you're close to

the mother-in-law and things like that yeah um you went just now if you were listening to the ft bit but not watching so you were tapping above like your yeah so the between your eyebrows yeah and then at the side of the eye and then under the eye and then under the nose above the lip and then beneath the lip in the crease of the chin and then you go onto your collarbones right and then you go under your arm and then then you can tap your wrist together as well. And you can also, there's a point at the top of the head. Right. And a lot of practitioners sometimes use both hands and others just use one.

I think with EFT, the main thing is, is once you know the technique, you can do it. This is one of the reasons I love it so much is because the technique is doable for yourself in the day-to-day uh so you you can use it yourself it's always advised to be guided by a practitioner when the emotions really run deep so they can really like keep you safe and held through it um but in terms of day-to-day um there's plenty of scripts online that you can follow that are kind of general but EFT with a practitioner is your own words your experience things will come up throughout the session where you will go a bit deeper into that um for example so um there's we can we can be faced with issues

and one of the the theories that we were trained on it on my course is that you've got this like tabletop which is the the presenting issue such as I've got no self-worth this person has hurt me um but actually you can deal with that by using the tap in the eft but underneath that tabletop there's legs that hold it up so there might have been experiences in your past that led you to believe my you know that you're not worthy so not only do you use EFT tapping on the presenting issue in that in that time you also use EFT for the things that come up from the past so you might say again this is with a client and a practitioner in a one-to-one you might say okay can you think of a time as far back as you can remember where maybe you felt a similar feeling and it might be like oh

you know when I was in school once this happened and you're like okay we'll do some EFT tapping on that and actually yeah you're going back further in a session but in terms of regulating those in the moment I can't sleep I can't stop thinking about my ex this hurts I can't accept it bring an EFT in because it's all around acceptance and it's all around you might not accept the breakup but work on accepting how you feel because as long as you accept how you're feeling you're feeling that is kind for you and when you're kind for you that's when things tend to settle when things tend to settle it's a knock-on effect you can make better healthier choices for you because you're not making choices from this emotional chaos you found a way to regulate

how you're feeling um and that's what's going to help you to start to move on because you're calming yourself down in that moment you're you're standing in you're taking control of the situation um but like you said before like with breakups i don't think enough is said i mean i say all this and i i know full well that every single piece of advice I give, whether it's EFT, whether it's a practical step, whether it's do this little exercise in your journal,

I know that a breakup is so distressing and it can send people into the depths of despair and it's okay to have professional help to have therapy to have one-to-one sessions and and really like give yourself grace because this is really hard and I never give advice thinking oh it's all right you can just do this exercise and you're done you'll be fine tomorrow it's not like that um it's about really digging deep and being dedicated to the fact that it's going to take

some work to get through this but there's lots of things you can do to help yourself and you can yeah when you have a friend that's going for a breakup like we don't get impatient with them we accept that they're feeling that way and we'll be there until until they feel like they're over it and that takes months so I don't know why we can be so impatient and harsh on ourselves and you're right I'm actually training to be um a therapist psychotherapist at the minute but that that that course involves hypnotherapy which kind of spiritually can be quite a similar process and I guess what's similar with EFT and hypnotherapy in ways is that it is a process you can't just come to one session and be absolutely cured but I think sometimes with the kind of spiritual practices people are a little bit

skeptical because there's no proof after one session that it works like maybe you can see your calories on a watch after a gym however I think you need to like you said you need to give these things time to actually work and then see how much they can help yeah absolutely and I think you need to like you said you need to give these things time to actually work and then see how much they can help yeah absolutely and I think as well like even you know as you as you go through and process the breakup you're gonna have realizations months on you're gonna start to look back and think hang on a minute now I'm in a clearer headspace why did this happen why did I allow this like why did I put up with that in the relationship why did I act like that why did they you know and then actually it's like whoa I've got

more work to do like things kind of as the breakup goes on it's like things more things come up to the surface and as you say it's a process of really paying attention to what's going on for you and um growing from it and learning from it and a lot of reflection and not only just about because I think another thing is a lot of people can fall into it's all their fault they did this they did this and I'm not denying that people can be hurt and some people are just not kind when it comes to relationship or the breakup but also I think it's so important not to fall into full self-blame or full other person blame it's about yes acknowledging they did this they did this but also what made me be okay with that what made me not bring that up in that conversation

what made me just accept that even though I didn't want to yeah um obviously you know and I don't really speak about this because it does it deserves its own specialist support but you know there's toxic and unhealthy and abusive relationships and definitely if that's something that you've been through and now you're reflecting on after your breakup is going to a specialist service um and I always signpost if somebody's been through that um with a specialist worker recovery work but when it comes to in inverted commas normal relationships where you're looking back and you go in you know what I always said yes to that thing and I always wanted to say no yeah and yeah it's their fault because they kept asking me but what made me always say yes when I

wanted to say no and kind of those like more kind of I can break that pattern without the specialist support but reflective that's what I mean it's like there's a lot we can all do to look at ourselves as well as the other person in any situation some of my well my best advice I've ever got in a breakup was from a good friend and she said Daisy you just need to rewire the thoughts like instead of thinking oh he did this because I'm this or I'm not this or I'm not enough this or I'm you need to be like okay he did this because that's what he wants to do and that's how they want to behave but actually I didn't want to behave that way or I'm not okay with that or I'm okay with me being this way anyway so whatever it takes to just rewire and trust the new story that you make as long as it's like a healthy

rewire and it helps you and it doesn't put down anyone else but it again it is the acceptance really they did that and that's okay because actually I would want a partner to do this anyway that rewiring was the best advice I think anyone's ever given me in terms of like love and breakups and I I kind of do it that helps with other things too like yeah it can help with work and other relationships but my I always have like a finale question my question to you is what's been the best advice that you've received in a breakup because everyone's kind of quick to give advice when someone's going through a hard time but is there anything that's

stuck out that that like advice that's been given to you that you would give as well do you know what actually yes and it's it was a bit harsh at the time and I'm laughing because at the time I was like horrified like how dare she say this to me and I've actually spoke about this on social media not for a while but I when I was in the breakup as I mentioned I was having therapy anyway and I carried on with it and I was having this one session and I went and I was like like why did you not want to make it work though like why like it why like it it could have worked and why didn't you want it I don't understand why you wouldn't fight for it and I was in this kind of like you know how dare he

do this to me and not want to want us to work and she said to me he has every right to not want to be with you and I was like oh I was like I want to get off this call right now I'm really like that's really that's hard yeah yeah but she was saying it was so much love she was like you have to you can only control you and you yeah you don't you don't like his decision however he he's got the right to choose and and often we can fall into that how dare they how dare they treat me like this how dare they leave me like I deserve to be with them and it's like hang on a minute if you wanted to not be with them you have the right to choose as well and also you now have the right to choose what you will do from here

um and that's and actually at the time I really when she said it to me I knew it was good advice but I was like that is so that's really hurt me you know what it is really good advice though controlling the controllables and it's true you're like how dare they but also you deserve to not have someone that is half sure on you like yeah like you know you can flip that and be like I deserve someone to be like completely utterly a thousand billion percent sure that they wake up and they're like oh my god yes her yeah and if I rank him and I was like why did you not choose to be with me why and he said oh go on then let's get back together it would come from a place of how dare you and him just you know I'm obliged to now be with you and you're right like you deserve to be with someone who wholeheartedly chooses you so when so this this is two-pronged isn't it of you know you you want to be with someone who wants to

choose you every time um but yeah that advice sounds blunt but actually when you get into it it's kind of like oh yeah okay I get it I they do have to write what can I do I've just got to move on now so that was good advice for me yeah that was a great answer and the perfect way to end this episode that's been so helpful well I know it has been but I really hope it has been for enlisters that are actually going for a breakup right now because I think we're in lucky positions right now that we can reflect because we're not actually going through one um but I really do hope that some of these techniques that Holly shared um you can maybe delve in further to things like EFT as well will actually help you if you currently are struggling with a breakup

Holly where can people follow you um so I'm on um Instagram on breakupsandlove underscore underscore because the breakups and love account was taken without the underscore. And I do have a, I've just brought it out a couple of weeks ago, a full video library of EFT guided sessions if you're going through a breakup. Yeah, so you can literally jump on it and look at, okay, tonight I can't sleep because I'm thinking about my ex and I've got one for that. And once you're in, you're in and there'll be new content added to it every month.

And you can also request, you can say, look, I'm struggling with this and I'll upload it as a video. So if you want to dip your toe into EFT and try it, there's other stuff in there as well as EFT. But yeah, and I'll be opening a membership soon, a weekly membership. So again, to get support every single week for when you're going through a breakup and more focusing on the rebuild and building back up your confidence after your breakup so I look forward to welcoming anybody who wants to come and join me ah well thank you so much I never even when I was going through um my breakups that I've had and the most recent one a few years ago I never really thought to seek help on social media I don't know why I think I went to podcasts actually but I didn't even think about Instagram

um which is a shame because I think your page is so helpful like even not going through a breakup I can see things that you post on like oh gosh yeah that makes so much sense thank you for all the fabulous work that you do and look forward to catching up and watching how your journey with EFT grows as well you can follow Daisyisy dates podcast wherever you go to get your podcast you can stream you can watch on youtube but you can follow on instagram tiktok and you can follow my personal account as well daisy bell on instagram and daisy bell six on tiktok thank you so much for listening watching and i'll see you next time