Daisie Dates - EP18| My LEARNINGS on dating healthily & securely

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hello, welcome to the Daisy Dates podcast where I talk all things heartbreak, dating, mindset, breakups, love, finding love, being in love, you name it I talk about it all. I'm Daisy and usually I'm joined in well in the studio with a guest. I've decided to do a few episodes on my own. There's just been some stuff I want to chat about and throughout season three I'll do a lot more of this as well but for now this is my first one so I thought I'd ease us all in maybe ease myself in and well I thought I would talk about what I've learned so far from my own podcast so this is episode 18 and if you haven't caught up on all the episodes yet I would love you to and you know this podcast is for absolutely everyone you don't need to be single to listen or benefit from this podcast I find that there's been lots of information whether you're

Starting point is 00:01:12 dating in a relationship you know we can constantly learn things become more open-minded and all of that kind of thing um so some of you that do follow me on my days dates podcast instagram will probably know that I've recently started dating someone new. And although I'm keeping it relatively private for now, because it is going really well, and I don't want to jinx anything. And you know, I just want us to be a little bit further in before I start talking about him a little bit more online. But you know what, I just wanted to come on here and be honest with things that I've learned through meeting someone new and via my podcast as well. Now this first one might be obvious to you guys if you've been following me for a little while or maybe even if you know me

Starting point is 00:01:55 but you've never said it to my face. I think well I have learned I've been a little bit of a commitment phobe over the past few years, but completely without realizing. Now, this isn't anything that I've ever thought about. Like, you know, everyone that follows me on my TikTok probably thinks that I really want a relationship or probably thought I was going on all these dates to hopefully find a relationship. And let's do the maths, guys. OK, I was going on a lot of dates not loads not anything out of the ordinary a normal amount of dates um but nothing was ever really getting further from than the first second third date okay why is that well I truly believe that I hadn't met any good matches for a really long time

Starting point is 00:02:40 and with that I think I've also learned that I didn't want anyone to be a match either though so I reckon I was purposefully without realizing going for people that probably weren't for me that it wouldn't last longer than three months with I don't know why this is but obviously you've seen me go on dates and people have said well how have you not found anyone yet and you know it is a choice when you date I have to like them too a lot of these people have liked me and you know they've been nice people I can't say I've ever really experienced a bad date but I just didn't feel anything with them but then obviously recently I've been on date with this new person who is now my boyfriend and And I've been trying to figure out, in fact, we've both had an open conversation together,

Starting point is 00:03:29 literally sat in bed one night and we were like, what makes us both drawn to each other when we were both? It seemed, after talking about past experiences, quite similar. So we had kind of discussed that maybe we had both been commitment phobes without realising. He too reckoned that perhaps he was going for girls that he knew would only be around for three months girls that he knew he wouldn't particularly you know really really like and be hurt if they walked away after three months you know I say three months because that seems to be the marker right the amount of

Starting point is 00:03:59 time that things usually last for and then it so you either decide that it goes further or you walk I think it does you know it's that three month mark isn't it it kind of usually ends there myself I mean I wasn't really getting past three dates usually my decision um let alone three months but I also wasn't choosing people that I would have got over that three month mark with so why is that? Why, where did this commitment phobe thing come from? And why was I not aware of it? Well, I don't know. I think there's been relationships around me that perhaps I've just thought, you know what, I really don't want this to happen. I don't want to have to go through this breakup again. Don't want to have to experience these emotions again. But I think

Starting point is 00:04:41 a big one for me was I've recently realized and actually this came up in episode 16 with the love coach about being overly independent now she called it something and I can't remember right the second what she called it but it's basically where you're just too in not too independent actually but just so independent that no one can really you're not gonna allow anyone to come in and change or enhance or add anything to your life I was and I am that independent that for whatever reason in my head I think I was just worried that having a relationship or being with someone it would mean my independence would get taken away from me and I really didn't want that like for me my independence is everything

Starting point is 00:05:31 you know my career the fact that I can be financially stable on my own I have completely got my back now I did do a post about this on Instagram and I think this does come from me being quite young I was 16 years old when I went to dance college, performing arts college in London. And, you know, the deal with my parents was if you get a scholarship, you can go at 16. If you don't, you will have to, you know, come home, work loads and re-audition at 18 and hopefully get a scholarship slash be able to put some money towards it if you don't get a scholarship. I got a scholarship at 16. So obviously my parents were like, you have to go. Like, this is an amazing opportunity. And it was. But during

Starting point is 00:06:09 this time when I started college at 16, my dad left my mum. And I don't remember loads of this. Perhaps I've blocked it out a little bit. It wasn't a nice time. Obviously my mum was so hurt. And I remember feeling like I wanted to be home all the time to help her. And I had this guilt she didn't give it to me it was completely my own guilt of I'm 16 and I need to be enjoying London and my friends and college and this new amazing freedom and life but also my mum is heartbroken now on her own really because most of us had most of us kids had left home and I think from where I just completely looked after myself

Starting point is 00:06:46 because I was like I don't want to put any more stress on my mum so I need to like I got I got a great job and you know well at the time I was 16 but the job that I got was quite well paid for a 16 year old in London and I was like you know as much as I can be financially stable so I'm not asking for money all the time and as much as I can look after myself so to not be any stress or worry to my mum now my parents are both very happy with other partners now they can literally be in the same room together they're very amicable it's great but for a long time it wasn't like that and I do think that me having to completely be independent made me appreciate the independence a lot but also think of it as absolutely everything like I've always got me so even if I can't fall back

Starting point is 00:07:34 onto someone and give them like you know pass on anything that I'm going through pass on stress to them I've always got me and I've always looked after myself like that my independence is I think one of my best traits so I think this is where the commitment phobe stemmed from there's probably loads more other aspects as well but when I've actually really thought about it I think that's it being in a relationship now because we became boyfriend and girlfriend a few weeks ago by the time this came out and the biggest thing I'm scared of is, oh, my God, my independence. Like, I don't want that gone. And even down to things, you know, like if I'm holding loads of bags, I'm OK.

Starting point is 00:08:12 Like, I've lived on my own. I am carrying all these heavy bags. I can put together a chest of drawers on my own. But he's like, let me help you. Let me carry your bags. And it's taken me a while to be like, yeah, of course. Like, let him just be a man he wants to be. and it's taken me a while to be like, yeah, of course,

Starting point is 00:08:24 like let him just be a man he wants to be. Just let him like take over and make the drawers for me and carry the heavy bags for me. So yeah, that's been a big part for sure. So yeah, I've learned that I'm a commitment phobe. I think that was a roundabout way of saying it. And after talking about this with him, we both feel like we have felt similar, like we've both been a bit commitment phobia. And we don't know why we have both, two commitment phobes have come together, met, and we don't feel commitment phobia together.

Starting point is 00:08:57 I don't know why that is. Because if I sat here and said there was like this unreal spark on the first day, I would be lying. There wasn't like there, there wasn't when people say like, you just know, I don't know if you do just know. It has taken like time and patience from myself to like ease into a healthy dating experience, which brings me on to my second learning from my own podcast. And this is Riding the Wave, which is in episode 14. Honestly, some of the best advice. I wish I'd heard it sooner. And I recently told this to someone and they were like, I really wish I knew that sooner as well. And that's such helpful advice. You need to talk about it more how it's helped you in your

Starting point is 00:09:41 own experience. And this is what's inspired me to do this episode today on my own. Riding the wave. I did this. I rode the wave with my current boyfriend in terms of the dating wave of, you know, I wasn't feeling all these emotions like, oh my God, I need to see him like right now. I need to see him on Saturday. I can't wait to see him. I didn't experience them emotions. I wanted to see him, but it can't wait to see him I didn't experience them emotions I wanted to see him but it wasn't like these obvious crazily excited obsession emotions that you can sometimes get what I've learned is the people that you normally feel that obsessive crazy kind of mania over are the people that aren't good for you and that's your nervous system actually kind of trying to tell you that they're not okay for you, but you're not recognizing that. And you're thinking it's excitement. Now, don't get me wrong, because when I've spoken to my boyfriend about this, he's like, well,

Starting point is 00:10:34 what do you mean? You're not excited by me? And I'm like, that is not it at all. Like, I am excited, but it's a safe excitement. It's safe and secure. I know that I don't need to text him all day whilst I'm at work if I forget, you know, I've been very busy today, barely text him, but he's fine. He's still coming to my house tonight. I just know that. I've never had a moment with him yet. And don't get me wrong, it's only four months since we first ever started dating. And I've never felt a moment of like, is he going to text me? Is he going to turn up? Every time he's ever left my house, I've known when I'm seeing him again. Every time he ever left a date at the beginning of the relationship, at the beginning of dating stage, I knew when I was seeing him again. I think him pursuing me was a massive part of us being together now and me getting over the commitment phobe kind of that was kind of in me, deep rooted in me.

Starting point is 00:11:31 Because he really did pursue. And when I say pursue, I just mean after every date, I knew where I was going to be. I knew when I was going to see him next, where we were going to go next together, because he would tell me. And he would say, Saturday, you know, you're free at seven, let's go here. It wasn't forceful, it was just let's go here. And so, one, you know, one day we were on date one, the next, you know, before my eyes, right before my eyes, we were on date eight, and it had kind of just happened. And I've seen people talk about this on Instagram, like it just happened, you know, when people just end up living together quite quickly, and it just happened. And I never really

Starting point is 00:12:07 understood that. I'm like, well, surely that's the decision that you make. And actually, this is the first time ever where I can see how that could just happen. Like, I'm definitely going to take stuff like moving in together very slowly, but he stays in my room quite a lot. And I can see how someone moving in does just happen when it just feels normal, safe and healthy. how someone moving in does just happen when it just feels normal, safe and healthy. He pursued me in a way that he just always knew when he was going to see me again and he would tell me and he would look forward to seeing me. And when someone was sat there going, I can't wait to see you on Friday, are you still good for seven o'clock on Friday?

Starting point is 00:12:42 I went along with it. I was excited too, but it all felt very nice and easy, easy in a good way. So I kept, I went along with it. And over time, we've obviously built this like slow burn relationship that's turned out into something really nice. And I, trust me when I say I rode the wave. I'm used to going for such toxic people, the typical F-boy looking kind of people, you know, the people that you just know are playing you. You just know that you might not see them on Saturday when they tell you that they're going to see you. And I've chased these people all the time.

Starting point is 00:13:21 And I think, going back to the commitment-phobe thing, I've chased them because I knew it wouldn't last with them and obviously a toxic trait in me is that I enjoyed the chase but I think we're all lying if we say we haven't been there I think we've all done this and unless you're like fully healing and over that then you might even still find yourself doing that and if you are finding yourself doing that my biggest advice would be next week on date I'm not saying date someone boring because that isn't it but if you have someone really good in front of you that ticks a lot of boxes for you you know values align and they're a very good you could see them being like a very good partner keep riding that wave and going on the dates and seeing how you feel because there was a lot

Starting point is 00:14:05 initially where you know I was like okay this isn't my normal type he doesn't look like the difficult type I'd go for or okay well um you know maybe he doesn't do this like I thought someone on my list would have so you know on my list I wanted the person to like own their own house and my boyfriend doesn't but like what why is that such a materialistic thing on the list why was that even on my list of things I was looking for that's so weird like so many of my friends are renting and it's so hard to get on the property ladder right now so I don't think my my friend like I wouldn't think anything of my friends if they're I wouldn't think anything of ever anyone if they're renting like that's so normal so why was I wanting a man that owned a house like what did I think that did for me

Starting point is 00:14:48 do you know what I mean so it's like things I've just learned along the way that I've let go of that I never used to let go of like I used to be like no not dating him because he still lives at home no not dating him because he you know he doesn't have ambition in the job he has. And, you know, I don't know. I was just making excuses for absolutely everyone. And I saw myself doing it at the beginning with my current boyfriend, but I made myself rewire the thoughts and be like, this is materialistic. Why are you thinking this? You know, I'm not sure I really like his hair. Right. What's you're not going to go on a date with someone if you don't like their hair? You know, I've been on dates before where they turned up in an outfit I didn't really like. Am I really not going to go on a second date with them

Starting point is 00:15:31 because I don't like their outfit? Because let's face it, outfits change as soon as, like, your style can change as soon as you get with someone. And we all know that guys' wardrobes tend to improve when they're with a girl anyway. Like, my current boyfriend already has um I mean he dresses really cool anyway but we recently went to like a shopping outlet together and I like picked some stuff out for him and he and he loved it he loved that and now he's got

Starting point is 00:15:54 all these new things in his wardrobe girls can always you know add their little bits of taste to someone's wardrobe guys like that secretly I think generally but I'm just saying like ride this wave of not if you're unsure and not if they're actually boring but ride this wave of the person that's making you feel safe and is consistent and actually not even matching the things that you think you were looking for but the things that you actually should be looking for are they consistent are they looking after you have they got a healthy attachment style you know are they making sure that they know when they're seeing you again all of these things are so much more important and this is what my boyfriend did in the pursuing like dating stage and for whatever I think he was the first person that I've ever dated that

Starting point is 00:16:39 has been healthy like this and I actually started to realize that that was way more attractive to me than you know whether someone owns a house or not or I don't know any other expectations that I might have had how big his arms might be muscular wise do you know what I mean and I don't know if this is coming across um exactly how I mean it but just riding that wave of I knew I liked him and I knew I fancied him I went up to him but there were times you know on dates where I wasn't sure don't get me wrong on our second date we had like this little conversation that it was a little bit conflicted we we weren't on the same page and about nine dates in we spoke about our second date and we both said it wasn't a great

Starting point is 00:17:20 date was it and after talking about it we realized that we both from both ends completely misunderstood each other but we didn't know that until nine dates in but I said well why did you see me again if you thought I meant that because what he thought I meant by the thing that I said wasn't actually very kind if he thought I said that and he was like I don't know I just knew you were nice and I saw you again and I thought the same I didn't like how he responded to the thing I actually said that he took wrong, obviously. Now I know he took it wrong, but I still gave him that chance. And I don't know why, but I think I was in a healthier, maturer mindset. I had an experience earlier this year where a guy I did

Starting point is 00:17:59 really like, but I liked him physically. So he was my perfect type physically you know the typical tanned muscular good looking guy and I thought he had loads of traits I liked too but I mean I think they were all a lie really because he wasn't a man of his word at all you know and he ghosted me so he obviously wasn't consistent and all of that stuff and he obviously didn't want a relationship and stuff if he actually wasn't sticking to his word and he could ghost me. And I think after that experience, I was so upset and so hurt. I said to myself, don't let yourself get treated like that again. That was like the final straw for me.

Starting point is 00:18:33 I was like, Daisy, this keeps happening. This can't keep happening. So you need to choose better. So I think in my maturer and healthier mindset, I just dated better. And this podcast has completely helped me. Don't get me wrong there were there was stuff that I could have made myself get the ick on the second date and I just as soon as that thought like oh that was a bit icky or oh they said that this was a bit icky I pushed it out my

Starting point is 00:18:56 mind and I was like Daisy we're not doing this again like this is a lovely guy in front of you you fancy him why are you trying to pick faults when you know he's turned up with your favorite bottle of wine and he's booking in our next date and he's being everything that a partner if you're looking for one what you should want in a partner you know all of the lovely healthy traits that are going to last long term I'm not talking you know like the fun spontaneous kind because he's all of them too, but he's also, you know, a really healthy, secure person that sticks to his word and he'll stick to promises he makes and if he says he's seeing me, he's going to see me

Starting point is 00:19:32 and he's not going to let me down. If he can't text me all day for whatever reason, I know that first thing in the morning. So he's a really great guy and I'm so glad that I rode the wave and I can't explain it other than how my guest in episode 14 described riding the wave. And she describes it as going for Mr. Mediocre, which you've probably seen online, going for Mr. Boring. Now, upon explaining this to my partner, as you can imagine, he wasn't most chuffed. The idea of going for someone, you know, the term mediocre doesn't sound great does it sounds horrible

Starting point is 00:20:06 actually and I was like no you need to understand what what she means by this and this is from a book um called riding the wave and it is about riding the wave of emotions that you experience and if you're trying if you've dated toxic people or if your relationships aren't working out if it's ghosting and ending the same and ending after three months, try riding the wave next time you do meet someone that is really nice and you do think has the potential for you to be able to see yourself with long term. And I'm not saying go for potential. You do need to know that they are a great person and that you actually do like them. But just ride that, you know, they could be a great potential partner, ride that wave a little bit better. And it is, when we say mediocre, we mean the person that doesn't give you all that buzzy, crazy, mania feeling that people do, you know, if they don't reply all day.

Starting point is 00:21:05 feeling that people do you know if they don't reply all day or you know I've had god I've had so many experiences where it's Friday night and I'm going on date at seven but it's it's six o'clock and I haven't heard from them that that that feeling that makes you chase and it's mad that as humans we chase that because now I think I like I find I would find that behavior now I truly believe really disgusting and vile I mean obviously I always hated it but I still chased it I don't think I'd chase that now um and obviously I'm not sat here from a place of I've now met a great partner so cool I'm teaching you guys that's not what I'm doing um obviously anything could still happen I don't want to be someone that's like I've met I don't want to be talking about my personal life with this new person loads now because obviously I know anything can happen at any moment but I'm really proud of

Starting point is 00:21:48 myself that this is the healthiest dating experience I've ever had so far and um he's the healthiest securest person that I've ever dated as well and meeting someone with like a really secure attachment style has been really refreshing and I think that's really helped me which they do say if you read the book attachments you know if you're slightly anxious or slightly avoiding and I think I thought I was more anxious but I think I recently learned I was like more anxious avoiding avoiding relationships and avoiding that commitment as well as anxious if I'm in the relationship as well. But he's started to make me so secure.

Starting point is 00:22:29 And that's what a secure partner can do for you. They can help make you really secure as well. So there's some learnings. I think my last one that I've learned from the podcast so far is no, there's no rush to anything. Like there's no outside pressures pressures I've always been this kind of person anyway but I'm around a lot of traditional people you know that already like ah so what are you doing for Christmas day like are you going to his house or are they coming to your house is he coming to your house I've just never really been overly traditional like I always

Starting point is 00:23:01 want to see my family on Christmas day and he wants to see his too and I'm absolutely fine with that and it's just ignoring these outside pressures of someone's already said, oh, is he going to move in with you? You know, it's been four months. Absolutely not. Like it's absolutely cool if you meet someone after six months, you want to move in with them. But for me, I'm just, I just want to make sure that I do it right. And I don't want to rush the stuff that you can look forward to as well. Like I don't want to rush the stuff that you can look forward to as well like I don't want to rush any of that stuff you've got all the time in the world to live with someone you've literally got so like your whole life to live with someone so why do you need to make it as soon like four

Starting point is 00:23:37 months in as soon as you meet them like I like that we can you know have a few days apart and then that excitement again I think it's keep that excitement as long as possible. Oh my God, before you, you know, bring in like kids or marriage or engagement or anything like that. Even if you've already got kids with ex-partners, whatever, when you meet that new person, or if you are dating that new person, keep that excitement for as long as possible. You know, they don't need to meet your children straight away, you know, if it means you can still see them outside of having the kids or whatever. I know there's so many logistics to this kind of stuff, but keep that excitement as long as possible. Why rush? And this is something that I'm so grateful for my partner for, because I was, obviously the commitment phobia me, I was so adamant that we didn't call ourselves anything.

Starting point is 00:24:24 We were dating, but we were not girlfriend and boyfriend and I mean I made that quite clear to the point where you know I probably hurt his feelings sometimes saying that because I know he wanted to be my boyfriend and then we went to Dublin together and it did get to the point where we were meeting people out and they were like oh so how long you've been together and I'd be like well we're actually dating and it just got a little bit silly and I was like what am I doing this is just not very kind to him it's not totally truthful like I am with this guy we're in Dublin together so we became girlfriend and boyfriend in Dublin and you know we don't we just it's cute but I'm just not someone that goes around like I've got a boyfriend I've got a boyfriend I just don't want to rush any of this stuff. I want to keep it nice, exciting

Starting point is 00:25:05 and fresh for as long as you can. And, you know, hopefully that brings longevity with it. 25 minutes this episode-ish. So I don't want to ramble too much more than that. I just hope I've kind of helped with some of those points. I am proud of myself for dating in a healthier, maturer way I'm so grateful that I rode the wave with all of my kind of confused feelings As I was dating him And this isn't anything to do with him actually It's to do with me, like my confused feelings dating generally I went up to him so I always knew I fancied him And he's such a great person

Starting point is 00:25:43 He matches my love language you know with both touch love language and words of affirmation he tells me all the time I wake up in the morning the first thing he says is you look so beautiful and I'm like you're a liar because I don't but my point is like I rode the wave of all of these weird emotions that I was feeling and like what my head was telling me that I should be doing or who I should be dating or what I shouldn't be doing and what who I shouldn't be dating and it was so confusing and I was just like telling my head to stop like I'm riding this wave and I'm going along and I'm seeing how this goes without like past experiences interfering without my brain saying no but you

Starting point is 00:26:18 wanted to take someone that did this or thought that this or you know so I hope this has been helpful in some way and well if it hasn't I've learned all of this from the other episodes so just go back and listen to them uh but I really hope that yeah you're enjoying Daisy Dates podcast so far but doing more of these episodes on my own so if you want me to chat about anything just get in touch I'm Daisy Bell my private Instagram is Daisy Bell I'm Daisy Bell 6 on TikTok and is Daisy Bell. I'm Daisy Bell 6 on TikTok. And then Daisy Dates Podcast everywhere. You can listen to the podcast on all streaming platforms and watch on YouTube. And Daisy Dates Podcast on Instagram.

Starting point is 00:26:54 Please like, share, subscribe. It all makes a difference when it comes to like trying to get a sponsor and stuff. And just the more views, the better. We can help more people too. Thank you for watching and listening and i'll see you next time

Daisie Dates - EP18| My LEARNINGS on dating healthily & securely

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