Daisie Dates - EP20| Lower your EXPECTATIONS!

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey guys, welcome to the Daisy Dates podcast where I talk all things mindset, heartbreak, love, finding love, navigating love, dating apps and everything in between. This podcast is for you if you're single but also if you're in a relationship you can learn a whole load of new stuff. I'm Daisy, I'm the host and well if you're a regular listener you will know that this episode is a little bit delayed. This is episode 10 of season two. But if you do follow me, you might just forgive me because you'll know that my end of year was kind of really busy. I was Cinderella in the local panto, so I got to play a real life princess, which was really, really fun.

Starting point is 00:00:56 And yeah, it just got really busy. So I just thought I'd top up this season with this kind of episode 10 as like a small little bonus episode and then season three is going to be out in the next few weeks and you know what I'm going to change the vibe up a little bit so I'm going to do a few more just like this if you're watching on video I'm currently on my bed just a little bit more chilled I think I want to make the podcast with just me way less structured so that you kind of I can just kind of say exactly what's in my brain and not worry about how it's going to come out. Loads of great guests are going to join me in season three as well. Currently recording for it and I'm very, very excited.

Starting point is 00:01:36 But this episode, I just wanted to talk about expectations when dating. Now, before we start, please like, follow, subscribe subscribe wherever you're listening or watching please press that little button and if you enjoy that this episode at the end you know just give it a little rating five star but all of that is really helping to like boost this podcast as one of the best for dating and relationships in the charts, especially on Spotify. Anyway, to the episode. Expectations when dating, but I'm talking more first dates, okay? So upon recording this, we're in the middle of the week, you might be going on a date this weekend or hey maybe Thursday Thursday is the new Friday after all and I just wanted to talk about expectations when dating

Starting point is 00:02:30 because since finding a partner I have kind of reflected on the expectations that I had and I guess I've realized that some of them were just a little bit unnecessary So a massive top tip that I have if you're dating currently is your expectation when it comes to getting ready for a date. We're all guilty of it, spending hours curling our hair, maybe even getting your nails done just for this specific date. I mean, we should be doing all of that stuff anyway, just for us. But sometimes if you've got a date coming up, I do know what it's like and you just want to get everything done right so you spend hours getting ready your whole day maybe your whole week revolves around getting ready for this date and I just want to talk about not spending such a long time getting

Starting point is 00:03:17 ready for a first date and just lowering your expectations now don't get me wrong this is not about lowering your standards or boundaries or anything like that it is not going for people that you don't fancy or that you're not attracted to that is not what this is but it is lowering your expectations of a first date if you are about to get ready for a first date then what I want you to actually do is just get ready as if you were going to work that day now obviously if some of you have to wear like your hair scraped back and no makeup or whatever to work then that might not work for you. So imagine that you're just meeting a friend that you catch up with a lot for coffee. How would you

Starting point is 00:03:55 actually turn up to that coffee knowing that your friend is not there to judge how you look, to judge if you look tired or to judge your body or anything like that. That is how we need to be approaching our dates. A date is for someone to get to know you. Of course feeling good on a date is so important for how you're going to come across on that date but anyone that doesn't like you for you authentically isn't going to be the right person for you anyway. So with this in mind, start showing up more authentically on your dates. Be your genuine self. Now, I'm not saying to like put on trackies for your date if you just love a trackie, you know, putting on tracksuit every single night after work. That's fine. Obviously, be smart, dress appropriately for the place that

Starting point is 00:04:43 you're going. But stop putting such high expectations on what you need to look like and yourself. And then therefore, that puts higher expectations on the date and the pressure of the date going forward. So as an example, a reason why, you know, I'm giving you this advice is because I went on a date once and I've been on lots of dates once. I went on a date once and I've been on lots of dates once I went on a date once and this was when I was living in Leeds I met this guy and I had spent so long getting ready okay so it was just like a Saturday I didn't have a lot to do I didn't know loads of people in Leeds anyway my housemates weren't in so I just kind of got ready for ages I curled my hair I was getting really frustrated when it wasn't curling you know what what that's like. And kind of just going over and over with heat on my hair, putting makeup on.

Starting point is 00:05:29 I really spent ages looking for an outfit. And I think I'd even gone out that week and bought like new chinos to wear because it was just a coffee date. So I struggled with a coffee date because I'm not really a casual dresser. And then all of my other clothes were kind of a bit OTT for just a coffee date and for some reason I used to play down my clothes a little bit on dates as well like I wear quite eccentric clothing um you know quite noticeable clothing my bright blazers I kind of wouldn't wear that on a first date and I think that's okay but again maybe I wasn't being genuinely and authentically myself because I just wasn't wearing what I actually adore wearing but anyway I went out and you know a lot of effort went into the look of this date I turned up and I don't know what

Starting point is 00:06:20 should we call him call him Ben for now I don't think I've ever dated a Ben and he turns up in chinos and a top this top was unironed and his chinos had a stain right by the crutch imagine the type of stain that if you were to eat a flake bar whilst driving or like a twirl and the flakes come off it then they kind of sit on your crutch and then you don't do much about it that's what his crutch looked like and I was really annoyed actually if I'm going to be honest I mean you haven't even ironed your shirt for me and you've turned up in trousers that need washing and I was just so upset with how long I had spent getting ready for that date I had such good expectations because he he was so good on paper and by text he was really like you know complimentary and sociable and I was excited for this date so it was so disappointing turning up and seeing that he hadn't even made an effort for this date

Starting point is 00:07:19 and I think that expectation I had going into the date because of how much effort I put into it was then immediately disappointing and to be honest the date was so boring I didn't really give it a chance anyway but it was really boring he was not the person that he resented himself as via text but my point is you know even if I hadn't put so much effort into this day, I would have been disappointed anyway. But we give ourselves such a high expectation of how the day is going to go by buying new, you know, things new. I don't know, trainers making sure they're extra why or whatever that I just think that we're not actually paying close attention to what happens on the day. So that wasn't a great example because he was really boring. So don't be like, oh, maybe I put too much expectation on it

Starting point is 00:08:10 if it was genuinely a boring date. But do you get what I'm trying to say here? We need to concentrate more on if you like this person when we're sat down, what qualities does this person have, rather than all of your time going into how you look on this date and I think I made that mistake a lot when I was dating like a lot of it went into how I came across and I really worked on how I could be my best self and what kind of things I could talk about and through the week if I knew I had a date I'd be like oh I've done you know played netball this

Starting point is 00:08:41 week or I've been to the gym loads this week or I've had this cool work opportunity so I'll kind of gather these things remember them and talk about that on the date and I wasn't concentrating on the other person or like what they offered me as well as a as you know a potential partner or how they were treating me on a date I was putting way more effort into me myself how I looked and how I was putting way more effort into me, myself, how I looked and how I was coming across. But dating is a choice and you get to choose too. So even if you come away, you know, if you go on a date and you represent yourself as the fab person that you are, that doesn't matter if you're not actually taking in

Starting point is 00:09:21 how the person in front of you is actually behaving towards you. If you're taking more notice of yourself, then I you is actually behaving towards you if you're taking more notice of yourself then I don't think it puts you in good stead for good dating good practice with dating and then the next point I want to talk about with expectations is the expectations that we have for a guy to take full control on a date and you see a lot of people on socials be like sit in you're a masculine and sit in you're a feminine and let the guy do everything okay it's nice to have a guy sit in his masculine and there's actually a lot of science that shows we as women if we just sit in our feminine characteristics a little bit more and by the way this has nothing to do with being male or female.

Starting point is 00:10:08 It's to do with the feminine qualities of what we align feminine traits with, empathy and sensitivity. Whereas the masculine traits that we kind of assign are like the strong, ambitious determination qualities. are like the strong, ambitious determination qualities. So if we sit more in our feminine, it is quite attractive to then allow a man to sit in his masculine to be able to do stuff like arrange dates and take that control that a lot of women want from a man. But what I will say is I see a lot of things on socials where they're like,

Starting point is 00:10:40 if he hasn't literally texted you like dinner here at seven, he's not the one for you. If he's taking you on a coffee date and dinner here at seven, he's not the one for you. If he's taking you on a coffee date and not a dinner date, he's not the one for you. And although I'm really big on, like, ensuring that you stick to your boundaries, your standards and all of that, why are we expecting guys to take us out on dinner dates for a first date? Why are you expecting that? I mean, you might not even like the guy. Do you really want to sit through a dinner with him? And I find

Starting point is 00:11:10 it really bizarre that we've got to this place where, where a guy takes you on a first date will literally be like a yes or no for someone. Like we're literally not even giving a person a chance yet. I don't particularly love coffee dates. I never did. I still really don't. But I do think they're a good way to get to know someone with no alcohol involved and low cost to be able to get to know someone as well. Like if you are someone that expects a guy to pay on a date, how can you expect to go on a few dates a week slash you know a few dates a month and expect the guy to pay for all of those meals that you're expecting I think that's just outrageous I never judged the quality of a person by the date that they suggested and I say that because although I

Starting point is 00:11:59 never really had any great walk-in dates I know a lot of people that met really great people. They didn't necessarily become partners, but they met great people and maybe they became friends or whatever, but they met great people on walking dates. They didn't initially be like, oh, he wants to take me out for a walk and a coffee, so I'm not going to go because, you know, I need a man to take me out for a three-course meal. I think that's a really bad attitude. So again, coming back to that expectation. If you expect dinner on a first date, you're automatically putting so much pressure on A, the man to have to pay. And where he picks and all of that kind of thing.

Starting point is 00:12:39 But you're also putting so much pressure on the date itself. Looking into each other's eyes the whole time with someone you don't really know is actually so intense and although eye contact is really good at least if you go for a walk you can kind of look at each other every now and then and then look forward and there's distractions and there's birds and there's other people and there's things to comment on whereas in a restaurant you're quite confined to all of those things so I think that expectation needs to go in the bin as well and just as a good example I think I take a lot of control in plans in my current relationship so although I always did like the idea of a guy being like okay meet you at seven and hey I still think that's good to be

Starting point is 00:13:22 like oh let's go to this park at 12 or like let's meet at this coffee shop at this time I still think that's good practice but actually when I'm you know I thought I wanted this man to take control and stuff but actually in a relationship I take quite a lot of control I'm still quite dominant like I do make a lot of the plans in my current relationship and it's weird because when you actually know someone and you know you like them you don't sit there so much being like oh he needs to take full control I'm not going to make any plans ever you know it's Valentine's Day and he needs to do that it isn't like that when you actually have like a nice nurturing equal relationship whereas for some reason when we're dating we put all this pressure on a guy particularly I think to make all these plans but in a relationship I make the

Starting point is 00:14:12 plans so why was I so set on oh he hasn't you know picked a place or whatever and it is nice it's a nice quality for a guy to pick the place and pursue you and tell you a time I'm not saying that is a bad thing at all but I'm just saying sometimes we put all these expectations on people when dating and then we don't have them in a relationship anyway so why are we putting them expectations on it so I take a lot of control in plans with my partner but then he's good in the relationship at getting in the stuff in the schedule that I might forget like he ensures we meet up with his grandparents and he has introduced me to so many of his friends and he makes sure that I've met all his friends and I think that's really nice he's taking control of

Starting point is 00:14:52 that like actually inviting me into his world and his life is way more important than you know it coming around Valentine's Day and him being like right at seven here. I think it's way more real and authentic, again, for him to make the plans when he really wants to make the plan, like when it involves seeing his mates and meeting the people that are important to him and all that kind of thing. And then when it comes to the event or whatever, or the plan, he takes more control when it comes to going to the places.

Starting point is 00:15:24 He might be like, look, you have a drink tonight, I'll drive. You've had a busy week, I'll drive tonight. or whatever, or the plan, he takes more control when it comes to going to the places. Like he might be like, look, you have drink tonight, I'll drive. You've had a busy week, I'll drive tonight. And that is super masculine and lovely. And that's not necessarily an expectation I had. And that's something that I get. So what I'm trying to say is that sometimes we hold really heavy, big expectations that we might see on social media when it comes to dating, but I think particularly first dates. And what I'm asking you to do is just drop these expectations a little bit and just see what it gets you. Keep your you keep your standards but maybe you don't need to have such high expectations of someone that you don't know and someone that doesn't even know you yet because on the other side of the coin why should someone have to pay for you to eat your dinner when maybe they're not earning as much

Starting point is 00:16:17 they haven't got the promotion at work they're struggling a bit their mortgage might have went up they might be saving for a house they've got all the same stresses with finances and everything else that you have too so why should they have to pay for your dinner on a first date why should that be a thing that you require from a man to take you on a first date for dinner make you know choose where to go make the plan and pay for it that is a huge expectation to put on someone that you don't even know. And if you just pull this back to when you're in a friendship with someone, you know, my best friend came to my house last time I saw her. We live about an hour and a bit away. So my expectation is that I go to her the next time. And we just kind of know to take it in turns. It doesn't always work out like that. But we do that naturally without kind of saying.

Starting point is 00:17:07 That's a friendship, right? You're equal and you make it work between you. So why do we not have that same expectation when we're in a relationship? Why are we expecting the other person to do all of the work? I'm going to leave you with that thought. That was episode 10 of season two.

Starting point is 00:17:20 I'm Daisy from the Daisy Dates podcast. If you feel like you got anything out of this episode today, please do like, subscribe, follow, leave a rating, particularly if you can on the app that you're listening on. This is available wherever you go to get podcasts. So if you're listening on a different app or platform for now, just know that it's everywhere else as well. Spotify, Amazon, Google, yeah, everywhere. Follow me on Instagram, Daisy daisy dates podcast you can also follow my personal instagram daisy bell and i'm over on tiktok at daisy bell six and we have a real great community here with daisy dates and there's also a facebook group you can get involved with daisy dates and

Starting point is 00:17:57 there's about 2 000 women in this group at the moment and the whole point originally was to kind of expand our friendship groups and meet up with other women, whether you're single or in a relationship, and just expand friendship groups. As, you know, as you get into your 20s and beyond, it can be much harder to meet friends than it was, like, at uni age or whatever. So come and join that group. It's also turned into quite a massive advice group, and it's a really safe space. People post anonymously or, you know, just as themselves and they end up getting like a whole thread of comments and opinions and it's just a really nice supportive community.

Starting point is 00:18:31 So come and join me there as well. And hey, let's look forward to season three. I'll see you next time. Thanks for listening.

Daisie Dates - EP20| Lower your EXPECTATIONS!

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