Daisie Dates - EP26| I have a question... (PART 1)

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey guys, welcome to the Daisy Dates podcast. My name is Daisy Bell and on this podcast I talk all things love and heartbreak and everything to do with it. I talk about navigating different relationships, friendships, both when you're single and in a relationship, absolutely anything to do with this topic. I appreciate. The podcast has been a little bit inconsistent lately. I think some of you will know if you're a regular listener that I'm now a qualified hypnotherapist but I'm also still training to be a psychotherapist so it's been busy on the side amongst all of my presenting and voiceover bits so I'm just trying to keep afloat but I really still feel passionately about this podcast so I'm really doing my best so I've got a few recordings coming your way and today's episode is with Katie from Single Sounds.

Starting point is 00:00:48 She actually invited me to her studio to do this, and so it was a lovely little collab together for her final episode for the moment. And in this episode, we cover loads of different things, being bold and going up to people in real life because you really have nothing to lose. You know I'm so passionate about that. I also talk about the spark and if it's a thing does it exist balancing time with friends romantic partners because we know it can be a struggle and it's also rubbish when you're single and your friends just ditch you the second they get a partner um we talk about dealing with

Starting point is 00:01:19 the fear of being ghosted being the only single friend in the friendship group to be honest this is quite a long episode because we cover a lot. So sit back, enjoy however you listen to this podcast. For now, it is just in audio version. You can follow me privately at Daisy Bell on Instagram. You can follow the podcast on Instagram at Daisy Dates Podcast. And you can find this podcast wherever you go to get them. Enjoy. Okay, I'm going to dive in with the first question because it's so relevant to you. And obviously I know this story, but I feel like no one else does. And they need to hear it multiple times.

Starting point is 00:02:04 I mean, I'm really excited to hear it again. So the question from my audience was, how do you approach people in real life? Oh, you know I love this. This is your story. If anyone's listened to my podcast, they know that I love this. And I'm a massive supporter of making people go up to people in real life.

Starting point is 00:02:20 Yeah. And you know what it is? My advice would be to just not, I know it's hard to say like not care because you always will care. But what have you actually what it is? My advice would be to just not, I know it's hard to say like not care because you always will care, but what have you actually got to lose? Because if you go up to a complete stranger, you do not know their story.

Starting point is 00:02:34 They could have just come out of a breakup. They could really be not looking to date right now. They might not be single. So like you never know their situation. So if you get what people call rejected which I think is is not true if someone says no it isn't necessarily rejection you're just not for them and we're allowed to not be for people but if you get rejected it doesn't mean that they're not attracted to you but I think definitely as females particularly we instantly take that as

Starting point is 00:03:01 well actually no I'm sure guys do as well take that as oh I'm obviously not attractive enough for them that isn't it remember that it's not only attraction that people go by they might not have felt like I don't know an energy that they wanted to feel or it might have just been in your approach so in terms of going up to someone in real life I think you have to know that there's so many different factors why someone might say no and if someone says no whoever you are respect that and be like oh I'm so sorry to bother you thank you have a good night and then you go yeah and then what you're never going to see them again so why people get so nervous to go up to people in real life I don't understand that because I'm just like we've got nothing to lose anyway my approach to my boyfriend who I did meet in real life I know and I know and this is the opening is so wild um but for me it

Starting point is 00:03:46 helped that barrier because my first question was hi are you single and people are like what is that the first thing that you go in with but it it was because if they're not single you're instantly told yeah no I'm not single and you don't have to continue yeah you don't have to like further embarrass yourself yeah I think what I used to hate when I was dating was someone wasting my time yeah especially when I was dating seriously talking to a guy at a bar you know he's next to you at the bar and he might just be being friendly bless him and I love that for them but I hated getting on with someone me being like oh my god I haven't had a connection with anyone in in ever like for ages and I'm only on the apps hi are you single and they'd be like no sorry my girlfriend's over there and I'd be like oh my god 15 minutes like yeah so for me it just gets rid of all of

Starting point is 00:04:30 that um my boyfriend I guess in a way gave me signals um we were in a wine bar it was in the day like two o'clock in the day he was with his family so there are a few young girls there as well so we were trying to work out if they were his sister or girlfriend yeah couldn't really tell so after a bit of um and an arian i was with some friends that just went daisy you're moaning about the apps all the time so you have to do this you have to go up to him and if that friend didn't say that i probably wouldn't have because i was feeling a bit like i was like oh i don't know oh you know you're all gonna be watching me it's cringe anyway i'm so glad they said that i waited till he got up to get his coats he was a bit away from his family yeah because obviously like I won't like you you weren't going to go up to the table no there was one minute I was going to go up to his dad

Starting point is 00:05:13 now knowing his dad I'm so glad I didn't he would not have known what to do with himself he would have been like oh um but there was a moment that I was like you know what I've had a wine I'm so over this dating app malarkey. Anyway, I waited till he was away. He was around the corner. And I went, are you single? Took him a moment to process. He'd had a lot more wine that day.

Starting point is 00:05:35 And this has never happened to him before. So he was like, and I was like, oh, God. And I was like, I'm only asking because is that your girlfriend like around the corner? He was like, no, no, that's my mate's girlfriend. I'm single. So I relaxed and then we got into a conversation he like he's he's really good at speaking he was just kind of like yapping my ear off and my adrenaline was going through me so I was like I just need to go back

Starting point is 00:05:57 to my friend now like we've exchanged numbers let me go and did the number exchange like right then and there kind of yeah like we got into a bit of conversation and I was like look my friends are waiting shall we take each other's number yeah now I hate this but I gave him my card like my work card I hate that I hate that for me really hate that and why did you even have it on you i always have my workouts on me you never know who you're gonna meet um self-employed life but no i i hate that but i didn't want us to be swapping numbers like oh seven four nine one when his family are right there because they were leaving so we're about to pass us any minute so it was all about making this like as stress-free and easy as possible gave my card i don't like doing

Starting point is 00:06:45 that because I find that people google you first or look at you on Instagram first which I find is the problem with dating apps because you can always find something on someone's profile that will put you off oh yeah yeah so I also reverse image search now I do that pretty much on everyone and it comes up straight away with their LinkedIn or something yeah it's amazing wow yeah you can find someone so easily nowadays you just need a picture of them oh my god you don't need like yeah their name her full name no and obviously i didn't want him to find that i do a date in podcast because a lot of people don't like that oh yeah i get rejected left right and center for this so i think especially guys they're not as open about talking about it so i think they're just like oh no anyway so i said i'm gonna give you this please don't like

Starting point is 00:07:24 follow me on Instagram or anything like can we just get to know each other by text yeah I don't know if he did that or not but we text for a week and we met the next Saturday nice and from there it's just been really easy and I do think that meeting someone in real life helps you give someone a chance a bit more what I mean by that is if I'd have just met him on a nap that week was a slow week uh you know I couldn't be bothered to text someone he'd text me that night a little bit drunk like do you want to just meet me in my moats and I was like no I don't I don't want to meet you properly next week we need to go on a date you need to take me out but I thought if that was

Starting point is 00:07:58 just to go on a nap be like oh do you want to meet me tonight like on like you know from a nap a bit drunk I probably wouldn't have really given him a chance but I think when you meet someone you get an instant energy so I think I'd encourage everyone I think always still have the app so I think like deleting the apps is the answer I think you need to be open to it as an example it's just having both I think a combination is really powerful and just being open to it in real life not just being like oh the apps are my only space to date so just like not approaching being like oh that was my only space to date so just like not approaching anyone shutting it down yeah I think yeah having the combination is really strong and you have to there's sometimes moments like I was on the tube

Starting point is 00:08:34 today here and there was a guy it was it was so funny he just put on his playlist and he was like proper bopping like he was just but it wasn't cringe he was just like I'm having a good day yeah and he was just like look at his phone he wasn't asking for attention but he was just like bopping and I was like oh yeah Maggie Rogers cool yeah a bit of David Guetta could see that's fine and an older woman kind of like rolled her eyes and I was like he's just living his life and I thought if if you were kind of thought this person was good looking right now he was a young guy and if you were kind of thought this person was good looking right now he was a young guy and if you were single that would be a perfect opener like to say like what are you listening to or I want to join in do you know what I mean and there's like those moments that that you can make into something less cringe than hi are you single because I can appreciate for

Starting point is 00:09:20 some people that's quite cringe and that's fine because it is a little bit and I'm happy to I do like the efficiency of they're just getting to the point I think that's way more my style just being like let's just start this cut to the chase yeah if you say no then I'm just gonna leave yeah and I find that easier I do because who wants to be talking to someone that has a girlfriend I don't want to do that for them or for their girlfriend so I don't want to put them through the awkwardness of that so we're just getting rid of all the awkwardness but for me yeah my biggest advice is you you actually never have anything to lose someone's gonna say no you're never gonna see them again it doesn't mean anything it doesn't mean that you're ugly it doesn't mean that they didn't

Starting point is 00:09:57 think that you looked nice it actually doesn't mean anything there's been loads of times that people may have come up to me or spoken to me in a bar and I've just been like sorry with the girls and it hasn't really come down to anything it's just because I can't be bothered that yeah you're not feeling it yeah I've so had that when someone's approached me and I've just been like oh tonight was about me and my friends like I'm not gonna now go chat to you for half an hour because to be honest like that will annoy the people that I'm with and that's not a reflection on you that's just my headspace other days I'd love it but no one does that's the thing people always come up to you when you're least expecting it as well like he was not expecting that he was with his family like all the nights out he's been on and all the festivals he's been

Starting point is 00:10:38 to and he's like that has never happened and that's what's weird about it but yeah I guess as mentioned he gave me some signals he kind of looked behind a few times where I was sat and he made it look like he was looking at the clock but he was definitely looking at me a little bit yeah so I thought he's looked over a few times he looks like he's single there's no ring on his finger let's see yeah so I got a question about how to get rid of the fear of being ghosted oh itof. Oof, it happened to me this year. It's a tapping. It was horrible. It took me so much longer to get over

Starting point is 00:11:10 than those nice kind, like I'm not really feeling it messages. Because you just think they're going to pop back up. I still think maybe today you might, you know, like it's always in the back of your mind. It's so much harder. Yeah. And I think you never get closure with ghosting.

Starting point is 00:11:23 No. And I don't know if it's right or wrong but for me I needed closure with everyone I ever dated like I needed closure that's so interesting because I got a question that was similar should you ask the real reason why if someone says they don't see it going anywhere so then like should you actually try and find that closure oh that's tough isn't it because because I don't think you should but it sounds like you always needed it I always needed it I think as I've gotten older a little bit less but for me personally I think people if you've spent a certain amount of time

Starting point is 00:11:58 slash months with someone I think you are owed I think someone owes you closure I really do and I know that can be really there's a lot of advice online and I also kind of agree with that I wish I could let things go but I don't I'm not a person that lets things go generally I find it hard to fall out with people I get really upset if like friends fall out and we never kind of kind of look into why so I always feel like if you've spent intimate time with someone, I think they owe you the closure. There'll be a lot of people that disagree with that, but I think we need to get around the fact that we think that we never owe anyone anything

Starting point is 00:12:32 and we can just do what we want and we can just move on. I think it's a healthier dating world if we could actually just be honest. I would agree with that. I think we should all get it. But I think there's so many people in this world that are never going to give it to you. And I think be honest if you're forcing out an answer they're probably never going to tell you the real one which is why I'm always on the side of my answer is they've chosen to not

Starting point is 00:12:53 continue this connection that's enough for me I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me that's my closure and I just tell myself that over and over and over but yeah I think to be honest like I've had some absolutely wild messages this year because I've been multi-dating like quite a lot multi-dating yeah it's right I've never done it before because I'm an anxious attachment style and I wanted to give it a go because a lot of people said that it was really helpful for that kind of style and I could 100% agree that I agree it's been so helpful with the rejection side of things and the ghosting side of things even though I did get hurt by that person that did it more just because we've been on five

Starting point is 00:13:28 dates and it felt like a very long time to do that then it's just like you know cut communication as in he literally the last message I got from him was him saying he was going to A&E so I was actually like concerned for his welfare he could be you know what he's dead he's not good closure you know because I know that because I checked his welfare. He could be, you know what, he's dead. He's not, he's not, you know, because I know that because I checked his LinkedIn and he was posting the next week about his like work. So I was like, fucking great. But I love how much stalking happens on LinkedIn now.

Starting point is 00:13:53 Like I never went there. It's so much better. Like you really see everything because you can't turn off like, you know, likes and comments. If they're active on there, you can just see it. So I knew it wasn't dead unless someone else was using his LinkedIn. I doubt it so mad but yeah that's why it like really annoyed me because I was like that's just disrespectful because I was actually concerned for your well-being because you told me

Starting point is 00:14:14 you're going to urgent care crazy and you know what when I've been ghosted in real life as in when someone has left my house and I've never heard from them again I've always had the feeling like deep down in my tummy that I'm not going to hear from them again you do know it's like a gut feel yeah you're like wait this doesn't feel real and that's when he told me that he was sick I think part of the reason I got ghosted was I wasn't sympathetic or as sympathetic if I actually believed he was sick because I think I just knew he was making excuses so yeah I remember a guy leaving my house and being like I'll text you later and I remember thinking you're not going to and we'd been dating for like three months and he ghosted me

Starting point is 00:14:49 and a few years later he texts me again and decided to meet up and he was I was just young and silly and I did meet up with him we had an amazing date and he ghosted me again twice and and I was just like this is this is mad like that and then me, that just shows that they are emotionally unavailable, that they can't just be like, I don't want to do this. It's all on them. So that is, I think it's really strong that you say you do what you do, where you're just like, you know, you tell yourself the story, because that's actually really strong.

Starting point is 00:15:16 And it is a weak thing to need closure. I'm fully aware of that. I do think you're owed it if you've dated someone for like three months or so, because I think after that period, that's when it normally turns into a relationship if it's going to go that way. And I do think we need to be honest with each other. Like I don't see the harm in just being like, you know what? You have a few views that I just can't get on board with and I just don't think it's going to work. Or you know what? Long term I've been thinking that you really want children and I don't.

Starting point is 00:15:41 And I think these conversations are just adult conversations to have. And I don't know why everyone is so afraid of them I think they're just scared that they're going to get kind of like shouted back or it's going to turn into like an aggressive argument so for example with the views comment I can imagine then someone coming back being like well tell me the views and I'll like explain my reasoning and then they're just like no I just want to end this connection I don't want to like go into it that much which is why you get the generic like I had a really funny one it just made me laugh this date ended at like 3am clearly it'd gone very well met him at like six seven he texts me the next day being like I didn't feel a spark and I was like no no no like you do not spend like seven hours with

Starting point is 00:16:22 someone and then be like I didn't feel a spark. You leave in the first couple of hours if you don't feel a spark. Yeah, you really do. Like I used to stay an hour max sometimes. Whatever his real reason was, like it wasn't that. And I was like, this is why I'm not going to bother replying, being like, no, tell me the real reason. I obviously just said, thanks for letting me know. Appreciate not ghosting.

Starting point is 00:16:42 That's why I always say like, goodbye. Have a great life. Yeah. In those moments think that's that's a really good response I think more so I need closure when it has been months yeah you know but but yeah I mean the spark is just an a thing that doesn't exist anyway it's a thing that everyone's chasing that is not real like it isn't real I think most people now I'd hope they know that it's not real yeah that's why I was like he even put spark and like quote marks in this text and I was like so you know that you shouldn't even be looking for that but you've still used it as an excuse it really made me chuckle oh my gosh I know so then the fear of being ghosted how have you managed to overcome

Starting point is 00:17:21 that with the ghosting that you've experienced oh I guess actually I'm gonna shout out Matt Hussey here because he has an episode on it I don't know if you've listened it's really short it's like 15 minutes I reckon I've listened to that episode about 15 times probably the amount of time minutes it takes he's so brutal in it he's like this is you know you shouldn't even be upset by this because why would you want to be with someone who could treat a human like that? And the way he says it is very harsh and it really makes you think like, oh, this is on me and I shouldn't actually be upset

Starting point is 00:17:52 that this person didn't want to be with me. And like, he's very good at just conveying like, you dodged a bullet here by not being with that person. So I feel like if I hadn't have had this ghosting experience, I wouldn't have then found that content and then actually sat with it and been like, no, you're right.

Starting point is 00:18:08 That's an insanely inhuman thing to do to someone else. I would never do it personally. And now it's happened to me. I even more wouldn't do it to someone else. I always like make sure the connections like rounded off close. Cause obviously I've done my fair share too of sending those awkward messages this year. And I've done a couple in person as well

Starting point is 00:18:25 which is really tough I just I professed it at the end of the day and I think that's quite controversial I don't think everyone likes to do that but I've started doing it even more when I'm unsure about the connection on their side as well I've just been like look how are you feeling about this would you like to do something again that's really good that's so good they do often lie I will caveat this and like especially my friends and relationships they don't really get this so I had one recently and he was like yeah sure like when are you back from this trip let's do something on the Tuesday like as in he actually put in a day and then the next day was like oh I've been thinking about it and

Starting point is 00:18:58 actually I think we're a bit too different blah blah blah and that's my only caveat would be careful with that just because they say in person like yeah well let's do something else I think they're just afraid of rejecting you in person and they're not ready for that even though I've done it to people yeah people definitely find it hard to reject in person exactly and they'd rather wait to the text but I still think it's important because I think then you get that text much faster than if you would have had if you just ended it being like oh see you soon maybe you know like all vague um I had a nice time like just hug goodbye whatever you do I think it gets you to the conclusion that you actually need to know much faster

Starting point is 00:19:34 yeah I think it's good to own it as well like I had a really good time how do you feel about it would you like me to see you're taking the control exactly not putting it in their corner exactly and then when you feel like that you don't feel as upset because you're like fine I took that control yeah but yeah no definitely has something to say and I've completely forgot what it was yeah no that's the the whole question is quite difficult it's like the fear of ghosting I feel like you can't really protect yourself but you you can help it with these kind of questions but like the guy who ghosted me I had no idea that was going to happen we were calling like every other day because you normally can tell yeah and actually the best advice I've got with the fear of being ghosted is you will just never feel like you're going to get ghosted

Starting point is 00:20:14 if you actually do meet the right person like I've never felt like my partner is never going to text me back like I always know that I'm going gonna get we're in the dating stages obviously I always knew that he was gonna tell me what the date would be the next week yeah I always knew when I was next seeing him and I loved that so I always knew on the as we left the date all that night that I always knew when I was seeing him again and where or he'd be like well let's do like tapas food this week I'll look at places so I always knew what he was kind of looking for and I think when you do meet the right person that's as keen on you as you are them you actually are never questioning if they're going to ghost you like I always knew deep down when someone was

Starting point is 00:20:55 going to ghost me because they were just half there I generally speaking it's hard sometimes it does come out the blue doesn't it no it does yeah I do feel like you can't like ever like truly like I think I was actually quite embarrassed when it happened to me because genuinely it never happened to me before and I always thought like oh maybe I just kind of choose well or you know like maybe a bit egoistical but whatever I did like I did I just thought like and I've since watched like a lot of other like people on TikTok and stuff that talk about this these things like very candidly and loads of them say the same the first time it happens to them like quite significantly this guy met three of my friends like it wasn't that he wasn't connected in any sense like he even took one of my male

Starting point is 00:21:39 friends numbers so that they could go out for like drinks another time like it wasn't just you know some guy that I went on one date with like it felt very meaningful and we've been dating a few months that's horrible so that's why it was just like I was a bit embarrassed because I was like oh I chose this person from the apps and now I've kind of like ended up in this situation that I just never thought would happen to me because he like even the friends that met him were really shocked they were like we just didn't get that vibe from him when we met him that he would be the kind of person to do that but yeah so that's why I think you can't ever like guarantee it and don't be embarrassed if it happens to you because it does happen to everyone it's nothing to do with like

Starting point is 00:22:16 you or how they've chosen that was what Matt Hussey was really good at getting across because I think I needed to hear that yeah I was putting a lot of the blame on myself when actually obviously it's not it's all to do with like their emotional availability and learning that is a game changer like knowing that they just don't have the communication skills to be like this is this is going on behind closed doors or I'm having this issue at the minute and it's just too much to date you I've had it months later um so the person I met before my now partner he ghosted me out the blue and it was very much like a situation you're explaining and then he came back like four months later and called me

Starting point is 00:22:51 and was like sorry explained the reason why he suddenly ghosted me he'd needed therapy over something and there was a lot going on then he planned to see me again and then he goes to me again and that was a different guy so that's happened to me yeah that's happened to me multiple times where they've got back in touch themselves I've been like the lesson from that is yeah cut it yeah I guess I do in like I like the idea of giving a second chance but in my experience every time I have they always end up doing the same thing and I think unless someone really grows up or really does get the therapy that they need or really deals with whatever they need to deal with in their life then they end up doing the same thing but yeah I think you're right you can't be scared of being ghosted because it's just a thing that

Starting point is 00:23:33 happens now we have to just accept that people will do it you can't count you you have to know as well that I hate the word rejection but rejection is going to be part of dating generally you have to go through that to get to the person that isn't going to be the rejection yeah I got so many questions around that they were all very similar it's like how do you be resilient when you're online dating or how do you you know reduce burnout with dating and I think it's because like I've experienced it in the last few months I've gone on no more than three dates I think with every connection and it's always ended the same with like some half-assed message and I got two in one week once so I didn't do the rejecting I got rejected twice and I was in one week I was like gosh this is hard

Starting point is 00:24:18 and it was the first time I properly related and I was like it made me want to be like I'm gonna have a break like and I don't think there's any shame in having breaks with especially with the apps like just give it a pause yeah um your likes actually come flooding back I realized which is really interesting so it's kind of true fact it's kind of like playing the game on the apps if you want to do that algorithm love no I agree with that and I think it's really important to not make your personality dating yeah um I think people thought I was doing that at one point with like the podcast and TikTok. And I think people think that about me.

Starting point is 00:24:49 Yeah. And it actually wasn't like it looks like that because it's what I spoke about online like you do. But I didn't make my personality dating. I think I did make my personality a single. Like I was the single girl that could do this. And oh, well, I'm single. And oh, I can do this because I'm single. And I'll always be single because that's just I never get like I never meet the guys and yeah I think that might have at one

Starting point is 00:25:09 point been a bad attitude to have because I think I was vibing that off on dates just like this single happy-go-lucky girl which I which I am I am a happy-go-lucky girl but I think people were like whoa like she's just so single that she's never really then going to commit and I was probably giving that off on my own dates as well yeah um so it's also like the messages that you're putting out make sure you're giving the right message on a date that you actually want to put out of yourself because I don't think I was doing that I don't think I was giving out the message that I wanted to seriously date I thought I was but I wasn't that's really interesting actually because I think I could take a leaf out of that book because I think maybe I've been guilty like this year I've

Starting point is 00:25:46 been talking about or just talking on dates about other dates because I really enjoy it I like asking people like how long they've been single for and you know like how like how well do they do on the app so it's generally a question I ask people so I'm just intrigued by their answers and I think also it comes it stems from a curiosity from like the podcast dating sense because obviously this is a topic I'm really interested in but I do think you know it happened to me recently with a guy and he was like it sounds like you date a lot and I was like oh that probably wasn't what I wanted to come across yeah but I was just excited about telling like some of these stories and you know how everyone shares like the worst dating stories

Starting point is 00:26:23 and this is actually tied into a question I got let me read the exact wording because it was worded like quite nicely um I love how put off people get when they hear that you've gone on other dates with people and I'm like we are both single you're on the app too um but yeah uh this person asked what are conversation topics that are good slash safe for a first date? I thought that was an interesting choice of words. Yeah. Safe. That is interesting.

Starting point is 00:26:51 It's like assuming that you're going to put someone off by certain topics. Yeah. That's interesting actually because I was obsessed with work. Like I just thought that like talking about work and career because I wanted someone so career driven, as career driven as work was such a massive topic of my days yeah and looking back that's so boring like I guess I made that a little bit of my personality which it which it is like I'm self-employed and I work hard um but I also think other people found my job quite exciting your job is interesting yeah so for those that may not know like I'm a presenter and voiceover artist so it's very creative and I do different things every day so if I was on a date with someone in finance that Your job is interesting. Yeah. So for those that may not know, like I'm a presenter and voiceover artist, so it's very creative

Starting point is 00:27:25 and I do different things every day. So if I was on a date with someone in finance that had the same nine to five every day, they found my job exciting. But I always wanted to know just as much about theirs, but it's ended up that I would talk about mine because they would ask so many questions because it was so new to them.

Starting point is 00:27:41 And I think steering away from work can be a good thing yeah I think don't tell too many personal stories and I think when you're really vulnerable and open and then someone ghosts you or it doesn't go anywhere you feel so upset that you've told someone something and that could be really hard because yeah it's so hard to be yourself be vulnerable be you but then kind of keep a bit of yourself back as well but someone once told me to not like give all of you on a first date and I hate that because I'm like well we shouldn't play games but I also agree like I used to give everything away you would know everything about me on one day no like leave a little bit of intrigue you don't need to know

Starting point is 00:28:19 my fault I used to tell them you know my journey of where I've lived and growing up and my college the whole story yeah like I would start from the beginning and I'd end yeah you don't need to do that like and that's where I think an activity date is good for the first date because that is the conversation yeah the game is I do agree with that I've only done a couple um this year because I do try and like to do the early ones it's just like sitting down and talking so I just need to check I can talk to you yeah but um it does really help having something else to steer the conversation so you like i found on these silly mini golf dates always bloody mini golf um you do end up talking about more interesting things like we got onto like a really good topic of friends with a guy recently i'm just talking about all his different friendship groups like who they are what they do and I like talking about friends I think that's a nice easy segue into like

Starting point is 00:29:08 figuring out kind of who you are through the connections that you really hold dear to you so my um my top tip for this is um I write down like things that I'm really interested in I have an actual physical list this might sound crazy but I think it's good to come in like prepared if there are like awkward silences or the person you're meeting is more introverted because I will just yap yap yap away hence and then it normally ends up about you yeah like I would just talk about me because they wouldn't feel the space yeah and I can talk about me so I would and yeah I felt like that looking back that was a problem for some things for sure so what I did is like especially with people maybe that we didn't have like loads in common I try and like find the things I was

Starting point is 00:29:47 really interested in make it a conversation that they could kind of have more than a yes no answer to so for traveling is really important to me for example and that's obviously like quite an easy safe topic can't get too controversial traveling I don't think so instead of saying like do you like to travel yes no I'd say like oh if you were going to plan a trip next where would you like to pick and then obviously they'd have to think about it a bit more and go like oh well it's summer so probably won't pick skiing but I do like skiing and then do you know what I mean they they would like have a bit more to say then you might have a skiing story like all and that's that is how it develops like a dream trip if you were given

Starting point is 00:30:22 unlimited money like where but you also don't need to be cliche with it you don't need to be like if you were given a million dollars you can just like subtly do it and that is great conversation you could talk about travel for even if you've not really been to loads of places don't talk about politics i think everyone knows that i think that's the thing i i have had that was my worst day of the year so a match with a guy on and out we did speak um and he didn't give off any of like red flag vibes but I got there and all he wanted to talk about was how he was anti-woke and all his political views yeah which obviously they were just not aligned with mine either so that date lasted I think 45 minutes I mean it's easy when someone really shows

Starting point is 00:31:00 you that you're not going to get on that quickly but yeah I did I said like I said I'm very good at being like honest in person I was like look we are just not compatible um because he also was anti-feminist which was something that was very important to me oh my god how can you be anti-feminist well this is the thing so then once I said to him like look this is not going to work I actually had quite a frank conversation with him and I was like number one why have you chosen to talk about all this in our first 45 minutes and he was like well it's because I just want to be really upfront and clear of like who I am and I was like great thanks for not wasting my time because I would have hated if that was on the third date yeah so I understand but I did say to him I was like you're only dating women you might

Starting point is 00:31:38 struggle to find you know uh someone I was like there's someone for everyone i guess oh my god what is anti-feminist incel is anti-feminist well he was also like andrew tate's biggest supporter which i just think like oh i don't know wow yeah no oh that's that's um a good tip for the episode if you have any andrew tate supporters never go on a date with them period i see these questions online on on multiple facebook groups like hi this guy's a supporter of andrew tate should i go on a date with them period I see these questions online on multiple Facebook groups like hi this guy's a supporter of Andrew Tate should I go on a date no no that is not safe no no and talking about we spoke about resilience earlier and that's a point as well taking it in your control that a date might have gone wrong or you might not have liked a date but remember that

Starting point is 00:32:24 you're also allowed to not like someone too yeah so just because you might have walked away from that date and been like oh for goodness sake another one that didn't work but you really wouldn't want to be with someone like that oh 100 for you so it was really good to see like when I've strongly it was the first time I'd strongly reacted to someone being like this is an absolute no for me very very quickly and it was really good to like see because it wasn't necessarily about him as in like he was objectively an attractive guy with a good job and like all his you know credentials were kind of in line on paper but obviously like the political views and opinions were just never going to match but I still didn't blame him almost I just knew

Starting point is 00:33:02 that he wasn't my person yeah and then it was quite nice to see that actually like yeah you can be rejected just because of who you present as not you like I don't know just it was quite reassuring to me to be like if someone's felt this about me I know it's not actually about me it's like we just don't align and that's okay yeah like I did go on some dates with people that did say like I genuinely want a woman that will just like stay at home and make the dinner. And there's loads, like stay at home, look after children,

Starting point is 00:33:30 make the dinner. And there's loads of women that will love that. So that's great. But I, they knew from my day with how much I would have spoken about my career and work, that I would never have been that. So therefore we're just all right for each other, but another girl will be great for them.

Starting point is 00:33:49 And you always look back and you would have had it as well because we're similar ages when a guy has like popped up on your feed and they've now got a girlfriend and normally I'm like super if they've been lovely and I've been the one to be like oh I'm not sure I'm so happy for them so I had this date once where a guy um bless him it was all a surprise but he got he asked sort of like my size shoe and stuff. So it all got a little bit weird. Gosh, yes. No foot fetish, don't worry. He took me to a picnic in a park, but he got me plimsolls in case I wore heels.

Starting point is 00:34:13 And I was like, you should have just told me to not wear heels. Oh, that's quite sweet. I know, but at the time, it did give me a bit of the ick. Yeah, no, I'm not surprised. And he'd made like quesadillas. He was like a gym guy, so he made this really healthy picnic. And and it was all quite sweet but it was all a lot for a first date like it was a lot that's the first day yeah you got your shoes yeah that's bizarre but now like he's with someone that they look so happy he's with a really chibi girl she probably loved the

Starting point is 00:34:40 plintholes yeah exactly and they look really happy they're into loads of weddings together and I'm like it always like it always works out for everyone like he probably with me thought why does she not like me I made so much effort but there was just I just didn't I don't know I can't tell you what it was I just wasn't into you and people are also allowed to just not be into you I always found that difficult to accept yeah yeah but they're allowed to just not be and not sometimes not even a reason for it can't tell you the reason i wasn't in tim well it is quite conflicting because i think we're taught so much now like self-love is the most important thing you should value yourself so highly so then obviously you are like well why doesn't everyone like me i'm just so great yeah and i'm being told to like rate myself so highly and then yeah it's very conflicting to then say

Starting point is 00:35:22 oh yeah people are allowed to not like you yeah oh true and that's a good point actually because we are like self-love self-love and I love that and you do like self-love is important and like looking after yourself is important and not putting your happiness in someone else is important but also reflecting is really important and like being like oh what did I do on that date that didn't go quite right or how did I behave that I wouldn't have liked if like I did think back to some of the dates I've had and I thought if they were sat opposite me like that would I have been a bit like do you know what I mean just when I was kind of not interested maybe I'd had a bit too much to drink and I wasn't really making the effort if they were doing that to me would I have liked that no yeah and so just sometimes how I behaved on

Starting point is 00:36:03 dates when I was probably younger was not the one either so even you can like think that you're great but also the self-reflecting which I've only done in recent years yeah yeah which is why my dating maybe has gone a bit better but yeah self-reflecting is really important as well unlike your actual own behavior and we're gonna leave it there for this week part two will be out next week so please like and subscribe and tell your friends about the podcast and I've got some really great episodes coming your way thank you so much for listening give me a follow on daisy bell on instagram or daisy dates podcast and remember you can listen to this podcast wherever you go to get them have a great week and much love

Daisie Dates - EP26| I have a question... (PART 1)

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.