Daisie Dates - EP6 MALE MINDSET COACH - Confidence, Fear of Rejection & Validation

Episode Date: June 15, 2023

Today on the podcast we are joined by mindset expert Jay Williams. He breaks down all the major events we go through in our lives and how they can be connected to our relationships today. Confidence, fear of rejection, parents' separation, validation and security! He spills the beans on everything. For us, this was an eye-opening episode and we know that anyone watching will get at least one lesson too. We love feedback, so let us know what you think! FOLLOW THE PODCAST EVERYWHERE ⁠ @DaisieDatesPodcast ⁠ FOLLOW JAY become_stoppable Love, Dais xo P.S please spread the word about my podcast!! Share, send, talk about it and even leave a review if you took something valuable from it!

Know what I got, know what I want Boy don't get me wrong Sure we're having fun But it don't mean that I'm in love I like you a lot But you gotta step up Hey guys, welcome to the Daisy Dates podcast where we talk all things situationships, heartbreak and obviously dating.

I'm Daisy. And I'm Sian. And today we're joined in the studio by Jay Williams, Mindset Coach. We're very excited to have you with us. Yeah, it's great to be here. I'm looking forward to this one. I don't know what is going to happen. No, to be honest, nor do we.

Nor do we. Definitely not me. We're going to see what comes out. We do want our listeners and us to get to know you a little bit though, so we're going to ask you some questions, we're going to pry a little bit, and then a little bit of this or that game as well so firstly uh will you tell us and this is come coming from a married man as well what kind of three values you look for in a in a woman or what you were looking for when you were dating

yeah i'll be honest with you uh when I was dating I kind of just winged it I was the type of guy and it's kind of the story of my life I never really had a plan I kind of lived in the moment kind of guy that's what I used to do when I used to DJ but if I was to reflect now uh what I didn't know I was looking for unconsciously was a woman that was ambitious. I like a very strong woman, somebody who can challenge me because I'm a bit of a big character and I need someone to test me. If someone's too much of a pushover, then it's just not going to get things flowing for me. I'd say honesty is really important to me um we can probably go into that a little bit later on about where that comes from but honesty a woman who can just be honest but I'd say the

third thing and what was really attractive to me about my wife is she was just so expressed in her feminine and what I mean by that is she was just such a sexy dancer she was just like the type of woman that when you go to a club she'd be the woman in the middle there'd be a circle of guys and uh I loved that that confidence was just amazing I love everything you've just said about her she sounds like our kind of girl yeah she really does it's really quite unusual actually to meet a man that like really empowers that confidence in a woman and says that yeah and you speak so highly of her which is lovely and when you were dating what would have

been like a red flag that you saw when dating or something that you would absolutely avoid in someone yeah so I mentioned their ambition was something that's really important to me I just can't be doing with people who are lazy I'm the type of guy that's very very driven and i just need someone who's like i can't be dragging someone's ass along with me i need them to be the type of people that can stand on their own two feet and have a vision of what they want for the relationship what they want for their life not just hey i just want a man to take care of me now I think there are equally women like that and there are men like that they just want a woman to take care of them so for me I think having someone who's ambitious somebody who's driven

is just something really important if they're not that that would have probably been a massive red flag for me yeah you want someone self-motivated yeah yeah sounds good and finally I think this comes from uh well obviously the woman in me the woman in us uh what age as a male did you feel ready for a responsible adult relationship that probably sounds like I'm going with the flow now I was thinking to myself am I responsible yeah no I mean I can't say I've ever with the flow now. I was thinking to myself, am I responsible yet? No, I mean, I can't say I've ever had the defining moment where I've gone, yes, tick, I'm now responsible. You're now an adult. I'm a grown up.

What I would say, though, is I think my first two relationships fell flat on their face. And I met my now wife at 27. And there's various studies out there about the development of men in particular. And some of the studies are looking like a male will be fully grown, as in physically and emotionally, around 26, 27 years of age. So that makes perfect sense to me in terms of when I felt like I could start taking relationships a bit more serious and that boy inside of me

wasn't so, let's say, wild. Okay, yeah, that makes sense. You're in the prime. Yeah, apparently. I can, yeah, maybe count on one hand five guys I know around that age that I'd say are working on themselves, emotionally aware, and would treat a woman quite well. Don't even know one, I don't think. That says a lot. I think they do. 27, they start working on themselves.

30, they give up again. That's how it feels. They say it's too hard. It's too hard. I don't want to just work it on myself. Let's go back to the playboy. Maybe it's just women that's too hard i feel like it's working on myself yeah let's go back to the playboy maybe it's just women that should change not men okay yeah i'm sure we'll come on to that actually because it's an ongoing process isn't it yeah um all right a little bit of this or that

game just what you'd prefer obviously to do uh when you were kind of dating your wife and still now obviously so dine in or out dine out pay for the date or split uh pay for the day cook for her her cook for you cook for me wine or beer uh wine would you go for food or crazy golf uh crazy golf oh love it she'd have the opposite you can do both there pizza or curry curry lovely cuddles. Cuddles or kisses? Cuddles. Lay-ins or up and out gym in together? Ooh. It's a hard one, isn't it?

It's not hard enough for me. Lay-in. Yeah, lay-in it. Yeah? She'd drive me nuts if we went to the gym together. I'd be like, come on, let's get going. Not working hard enough. And then she'd just shout at me.

Yeah. Some things are good to be kept separate, aren't they? true I wouldn't like to gym meet with my boyfriend I look awful at the gym just separate time it's good isn't it yeah I think so and I think that's one of the most important things in a relationship as well is that you have your own things 100% I think uh not to go into it too much but I've always found in my friends who are in relationships, even in my own, where, you know, when you first get into a relationship, all your boundaries collapse, right? You just, oh, there's so many love,

I'm ringing them 10 times a day, and you're doing whatever you're doing. It's in, it's amazing. And then there comes a point where I think that you, once you've clapped all your boundaries, you then have to put them back up again, and you have to start to discover who you are in the relationship and outside the relationship as well. And I think having separate activities like the gym, if that's your thing, is really important as well.

I think that's solid advice. Great advice. Yeah, that's good to take on for everyone, really. There's a lot of confusion around counsellors, life coaches, mindset coaches. Can you tell us what exactly it means for you? Yeah, so there's a big difference between counsellors, life coaches, mindset coaches, therapists. And therapists, I'd say, and counsellors are specifically qualified normally in a very niche-specific area. And they might, for example, focus in depression or anxiety.

And also what they tend to do is they are problem focused. And by that, I mean, let's say you've had some past trauma in your life. That's when they will tend to focus on that past trauma and get you to see things in different ways around that trauma whereas coaching is more future focused it's more about where are we going what we're trying to get to and as coaches we will only ever go back to go forward and so we don't spend too much time getting into the past unless it's absolutely necessary because there may be some decisions you've made about who you are about the people in your life, about your life, that we need to shift and change your perspective on in order to get you to get you moving forward towards where you want to go.

And so the major difference is one's future focused and one's problem focused. Now, as a mindset coach, compared to, let's say, a life coach, a life coach is like, let's talk about everything. We'll do what you have, your relationship, your relationship your work career business or whatever it is whereas i tend to focus on okay um i work with business owners and entrepreneurs mainly anyone from startup all the way to eight figure business owners and we work on performance so as a business owner the main directive is to make money right and as business owners we all like to make money the problem is many people struggle to make the money they want so they can create the lifestyle that they really want for themselves and so what we work on as mindset coaches is what are the specific things that are getting in the way of you making more money and having more of the freedom more of the abundance

more of the flexibility that you really want in your life. Because believe it or not, most people who work businesses don't really have a business. They just have a glorified job and they probably end up working more hours. And it's harder than working a job because you're probably working nine jobs. You might relate. A hundred percent. It's a lot harder. You burn out a lot quicker too. Yeah, a hundred percent. That's the main difference. When he said we had a guest on and she had coaching and she had relationship coaching and she had a therapist and she said the same thing.

It felt a lot faster with coaching going. This is the things that we're going to put in place for the future. Whereas therapy was just going slowly through everything. Yeah. Yeah. My approach, a lot of people say to me, whoa, Jay, this is like therapy working with you because a lot of the stuff we do deal with is those emotions. And some of those emotions that do show up in relationships

are there's a lot of resentment in relationships. That's a big thing. There might be resentment towards past partners as well. And so it's dealing with what are the emotions that we're holding on to that we need to shift and let go of so that we can move forward because hey try and have a great relationship with a woman if you're resenting women hmm not gonna go down too well or vice versa if you're resenting men and you say men are all the same a hundred percent yeah because the women that i do know that are in that mindset

aren't meeting anyone anytime soon i mean you've got to be open to each and every experience my question to you is doing work like this had you been through anything in your life that made you wish that you'd had a mindset coach or kind of what led you to this path to do this for other people yeah oh my word I wish I'd have found it sooner trust me so what led me to this is I started my business 10 years ago and when I first got into business I really struggled I had to put myself out there and that was a really scary thing but I've always been someone who's quite persistent and I pushed anyway and despite putting myself out there to the outside world I look like I'm a shit figured out like and it was like Jay this really confident person but on the inside I was actually terrified that someone was going to leave me a negative comment someone was going to say oh no you said this wrong and I was

like oh no like and I could feel that in my chest now when I think about it and so all of this stuff was happening for me and I was struggling to generate the level of money I wanted in my business for about five years. And I kind of got sick of it. And I started to ask questions like, why the hell do I keep doing this? And luckily, I was part of a community where there was a number of the coaches who started helping you with personal development and mindset. And I remember I was sat in Malaysia, me and my wife were traveling the world at the time, and it was 3.30 in the morning. And I was on a coaching call with one of these coaches. And I can't remember exactly what I was saying, but I was just talking to him about why do I keep creating these results? This is driving me nuts. Why am I just trying to do this? And then this is happening. And this guy just shined a light on something for me. He said to me, Jay, have you ever considered

that you've spent your entire life trying to please your dad? Oh. And I was like, oh, shit. My eyes just started streaming. And I was like, what? what do I do with that and basically that led me on this massive path of discovery and personal development and starting to understand how my parents divorced so my parents basically got divorced when I was three years old. And people used to say to me, hey, Jay, did your parents' divorce ever impact you? And I would be like, oh, no, no, no, no, it's fine.

It's fine. You know, parents blab all the time. You see all the time parents are divorced. And what I had forgotten because I'd suppressed is following my parents' breakup when I was three years of age, there was 10 years of court battles, using the kids against each other, getting passed around, my dad being there, not there. And even to the point my dad turned up with a baseball bat to try and kill my stepdad. Police, just massive shame, just horrendous, just not fun at all for a child and all of this massively impact me especially my parents divorce and what I realized is that when I was three years old so just to give you a bit

of context when we are zero to around six years of age we're just emotional right if you've ever seen kids they're just emotion but we're also what's called egocentric so it's all about me some people are like men are like 40 years of age and they're still like this. It's all about me. And the thing about children is they think that whatever the parents do, it's their fault. So for me, my parents split up. So guess what I started to mean? I've done something wrong. So my dad, my mum had an affair my dad moved two miles away and me as a young boy and I know this is not going to make sense to listeners completely because it's not logical it's emotional this is I always say to people if you want to know

how your unconscious mind works have you ever had a crazy dream yeah you know how logical it is yeah it's not right it's wild this is how the mind works and what I made it mean is my dad's left me which must mean he doesn't love me yeah which must mean I'm not good enough and so I spent my entire life trying to prove to my dad that who I was is enough trying to get him to love me trying to be the confident be the most committed be the best at everything to try and get him to love me but by my very nature of trying to get him to love me I'd forgotten to actually love myself and that was a big big breakthrough for me and that's number one loving yourself yeah that was showing up in your business yeah it was showing up in your business?

Yeah, it was showing up in my business. And it's really crazy, right? If you have a fear of rejection... Oh, who has that? No one. Sian. Sian's openly admitted this on the podcast. I'm allowed to call you out.

I think everything is rejection. But I'm the same. I've got dad problems too. Exactly the same. I don't think my dad really ever loved me. He was trying to get my dad to love me. Don't like rejection. Yeah.

Sian won't even put herself in a position to get it. Never. Not even close. Wow. Yeah. It's one of the things a lot of people struggle with. I'm sure a lot of your listeners will be able to relate that fear of rejection. Because what's going on there is there's shame in there.

And it might not feel like that for everybody, but there's a shame, right? There's something wrong with me. I'm broken. And so why wouldn't they love me? They're meant to love me. And what I learn about my parents, and I've kind of got this perspective now being a bit older, is that as children, we have this idyllic view of how our parents should be. They should be great. And then you look at other kids' parents and you see them doing something.

You're like, I want some of that. And we have this very idyllic view of how our parents should be. And I've realized that my parents served the exact purpose they were meant to. So let me give you a little bit more context. So my parents got divorced. They were three years old. My dad was the type of guy that he was brutal. I think when it comes to sport, he's just to give you context, he would, I would play golf. I play a lot of golf and there was this hole called the 10th screen. And you'd come off the green. My dad would always be waiting there. Like his dad was sitting there and it come off the green. My dad would always be waiting there, like his dad was sitting there. And he'd come off the green, and my dad would be waiting there,

and he'd go, give me a card. And I'd be like, oh, shit. Not doing that well. And I'd give him my card, and he'd just look at it, and he'd just look at me, and he'd just go, rubbish. Oh, gosh. Yours was, yeah, yours was, like, actively. Like, my dad was just not very present and didn't give me anything.

But yours was actively making you feel like you wasn't good enough. I had a cup final, semi-final. Cup final it was. We lost 1-0. And I walked off clearly upset, young lad. I think I was 13 at the time. And as a young boy, I went and my dad just put his arm around me and said, hey, there'll be another game.

It'll be okay. And he just turned around and went, you're rubbish today. Can I ask how that's affected your romantic relationships? Did that affect you when dating? Yeah. So what that's led to is ridiculous expectations of other people. OK. And by that, I mean that people need to be competent

perfection basically and so they're not good enough shows up as i'm a lot better at it now but i used to just have this massive expectation of people that if they're not perfect then i don't want to know them i don't want it they need to live up to this expectation but part of that was actually fear because hey what if they didn't live up to my dad's expectations oh gosh that's it's crazy how deep-rooted things are people that aren't into self-development don't understand yeah it really is that deep-rooted and it's so that's why it's so amazing that you realized all of this and that's probably what led you to now being in a happy healthy relationship she touched on relationships there how perfect um mum and dad relationships look and we have that problem as

well though from films don't we in terms of romantic relationships the expectation that we have but um that's really interesting it's funny i was watching hitch last night with my wife yeah and i was saying to her you know if anyone hasn't watched the movie you should watch it it's great i think it was built off uh the game by neil strauss have you ever heard of that great game the game i've had i've had people use the game on me oh really so um i've had a guy approach me in the street and like lie a lot about age and like lots of things but the approach that he did to me in the street was basically something that this neil wrote in a book to tell guys to just practice for your confidence as much as possible go up to

as many women just pick one and do it so i went on date with this guy thinking he liked me but i was just part of like a massive numbers game for his ego wow yeah there's a whole underground scene of pickup artists that's it the pickup artist everything i tell sean she's shocked it's just because like she's got an example of a man from every dating situation i've never known anything like it yeah Yeah, so the film, I was speaking to my wife about it, and they were painting this picture of, was it, I can't remember who the main actress was, Brenna Moon, the guy with the glasses pulled, the celebrity. But it painted this picture that you can just say this,

and you can do this, and you're just going to sweep them off their feet, and it's all going to be happily ever after. it's just not healthy in my opinion and i think a bit like i was talking about this expectation that i have of others it conditions people to expect that that's the way relationships are that's the way dating is that's the way love happens and in my experience about doing both you know ladies, it's not necessarily the case. It's not to say it isn't possible. I'm sure it does happen. For most people, they probably agree that's not necessarily a reflection of true life.

Definitely. And when it comes to you having high expectations of other people, not that you thought you were better than them, but was there anything that was like, I'm not lovable and I'm not good enough? Because it sounds like you kind of flipped it on the other person. Whereas for me, it's like, I'm not good enough. I'm not worthy of love. But it sounds like you're like, are they worthy of love? Are they good enough for my dad?

But did you still feel like, how was your self-worth in that time? Oh, yeah, my self-worth was rock bottom. Oh, okay. The truth is, I didn't want to look at myself. Okay, all right. It's easier to look at other people and the flaws in them and say oh it must be them that's the problem it's not me and i think that's true of most people who aren't getting what they want in life because there's two ends of the

spectrum if you're familiar with the cause and effect principle if you've ever heard of that before so we're either at the effect of our life or we're at the cause of our life and if you've ever heard of that before so we're either at the effect of our life or we're at the cause of our life and if you're at the effect of your life you start to blame other people blame other things you're a victim of your people situations and circumstances versus cause you are fully responsible for it so you asked me before about when did I feel responsible for a relationship and probably the real answer is when I started taking responsibility for my life. And when I started taking responsibility for my life, I was in a position where I'm mature enough to then go, OK, well, I'm going to take responsibility for somebody else's life, i.e. my wife. And I don't mean weight on a hand and foot, anything like that. But I mean, be responsible for taking care of her needs and what she wants. Because this is one of the things

I talk to about all my clients is the more responsibility you take for your life and the people around you, the more you can get what you want in life. Because even if I look at influence, so I'm somebody who takes responsibility for myself. I then take responsibility for my wife. I then take responsibility for my daughter. I take responsibility for my family, my clients and the wider community. And that's how you become someone of value. And if you think about a relationship you get in a relationship with someone you deem to be valuable to you and that really starts with responsibility and you mentioned earlier about your confidence um to do with business mainly and how you felt with your dad um but i wanted to talk that about that in a in a dating perspective because I'm finding that a lot of guys' exterior,

they're very confident when it comes to dating, but I'm meeting a lot of men that are actually very insecure and have a lot going on that haven't kind of worked. A lot going on, I feel now. I don't know if it's the type of men we're going for, but men seem to have a lot more going on than they used to. And I don't think COVID helped, but you weren't dating pre-COVID, were you? No.

But I've noticed that COVID hasn't helped the pandemic and men being alone. But obviously, we've been talking about the stats that a lot more men are alone now. And I do think this confidence, I don't know, is it a pressure that guys feel and have? Yeah, I mean, I think it's very difficult for me to relate to, let's say, a 20-year-old now

because I'm going on I'm 37 now I I'd probably say that what's changed though is people are getting more awareness people are opening up more I think that nothing's really changed in the sense that it's always been there okay and I think that um confidence has been something that um men and women alike have both struggled with. So there's something called, I think it's Gallup Strengths Test. And basically, they look at your main strengths and weaknesses. And they looked at men and women of where self-assurance came in, essentially confidence. And on a scale of 1 to 36, 1 being your best strength, 6 being your, it's actually 34, 34 being your weakest,

where do you think men resided on the average of where self-assurance and self-belief came in on a scale of 1 to 34? Where self-assured, like how self-assured they were? Yeah. I'd say somewhere in the middle, like 21. No, higher than that, actually. Higher, lower.

I'm going to go for 11. I'm going to say 17. 11. Okay, so in men it was 33. Oh, my goodness. What do you think women were? Oh, I'd say we were, oh, I don't know. 22.

34. Oh. What? So it tells me that people aren't very confident. Yeah, the scale is basically not needed. And that's like hundreds and hundreds of thousands of people that they've put through this strengths test. Gosh, that's crazy.

It is crazy, right? Which tells me that a lot of people are putting on a front to give the illusion of confidence when they're not actually confident. And if you're familiar with the psychologist, he's like the godfather of psychology, Carl Jung. Yes. He actually said that as human beings, we have something called the persona. You can be familiar with the persona that we put on. And persona is basically Latin for mask. And we all have different masks that we wear in different situations, right? Which is normal.

You don't be the same person with everyone. The problem is, though, most people are putting on these masks because they're trying to hide who they really are, which is a shameful part of themselves that they don't want people to see. He also talked about the concept of the shadow. Have you heard of the shadow before? No. So think about yin and yang, the black and white. So the black is the shadow, the white is the light. So the light is the parts of you that you are happy to share. So we're here sat in a lovely room and you're sharing me the parts of you that you want me to see, right? Now I guarantee there's parts of you and there's parts of all of us that we might feel like we don't like or maybe society might reject

if we actually showed that part of us. So for example, you get it a lot around money. So being selfish, it's bad to be selfish. Don't be that person or being a show off. I know growing up, my parents used to be say, oh, look at that know it all. Who do they think they are? Look at them showing off. Well, that's what we call a money block. If you don't want to get wealthy, that's one of the quickest ways to not make money is if you resent or shame people who are, let's say, where you want to be, because you're never going to be go there because you don't want to be judged as one of those people. And so we have this black and white, the darkness and the light.

So the light is what you show the world and the darkness is your dirty, dark secrets. Those parts of you that you either reject within yourself or you don't show to the world because you have a fear that people will reject them or they won't be widely accepted in society or from your friends or your family so what it sounds like to me is that everyone's walking around with a mask and we've been speaking about for the last few episodes how big of a gap there is between men and women at the moment it feels like in dating anyway but it actually sounds like if

we're both on the scale of 33 and 34 we're actually closer than what we actually think we are yeah especially in the dating world like single people are all really in the same boat but we feel like the furthest apart i mean if you if if people were really securing themselves you'd actually get on instagram what people actually look like we've spoken about that that's very true so true isn't it and then but do you not think that exterior things don't help us with that like the people that are inventing these filters aren't helping us by doing that we can work on ourselves but there's still the element of you know i i feel really comfortable in myself but occasionally the no filter filter on instagram has to be used it just gives me a little bit of a bronze. It's quite nice. Zoom's got a lovely filter as well. Have they?

Yeah, you can airbrush yourself, basically, and make yourself look a little bit better, smooth your skin. That's what's so bad, though, isn't it? I've not looked enough into the Zoom filter. Don't. We're not going there. I think, though, you've got to look at... They don't care.

They don't care. They care about money, and they're going to give you exactly what you need in order to keep you coming back and spending more time on those platforms. Yeah, true. True, that's 100% true. Now, I've read through some of your articles that you wrote through a few years ago. And I was really interested in, because it's something we had touched on in a previous episode, about ensuring that when we're dating as women, I think we can forget how men can feel.

I think when you're around a lot of women, you forget that actually men feel the same things. They just maybe behave with it in a different way. They might ghost us, but they're still probably feeling a very similar way. So I saw in your article you wrote about the fundamental psychology human needs, but particularly for men and how they need to feel loved and needed. Can you talk to us a little bit about that? Yeah, so just to make a distinction, just in case anyone's heard of Tony Robbins before, if you've ever heard of him, he has a model around human needs, which is

basically, to some extent, a bit of a rip off of Abraham Maslow, who is a famous psychologist of some of his needs. Maslow came up with this triangle. And in this triangle, he had at the bottom, your physical needs, which is food, water, breathing, sex. And then just above that, he had the needs for safety and security. So we all need to feel safe, roof over our heads. We need to feel secure in our environment. And then you add the third level which is the need to feel loved and belong in some way and everybody has these needs now there's other levels which won't go into unless you want me to um everybody has the same needs and we're all trying to meet them in however way we meet them now to the outside world they don't always seem to make sense so for example

somebody can somebody can have you ever heard of like the black sheep in the family yeah right most families are right I look like it's not me no it is me so some people will actually get love by being the nice guy or the nice girl or the people pleaser and sometimes that results in them getting walked all over right and not getting their own needs met but it meets some need that they have to feel love because if they please people people go thank you very much that's really kind of you you know you're great you're the best equally if you have someone who's a black sheep in the family let's just say they're always causing drama they're always causing trouble they're always a pain in the ass and what does that give

them well people pay attention to that stuff right i.e mom or dad because then mom or dad care about them enough that they want to try and fix them and help them so what does it give them gives them some kind of connection or love now it might seem really screwed up to the outside world but on some unconscious level that's them trying to meet their need and this is true in dating it's true in relationships we're all just trying to get our needs met and sometimes that can look like cheating i mean not to use that word it can look like that sometimes it can be abusive. It's human beings. I don't know why I'm asking for it, but they're fucked up.

And we do things in very fucked up ways. And it doesn't make logical sense. And it goes back to what I said about the wild dreams. The way the unconscious mind works, which is the emotional part of our mind, it's irrational. And I always give the example, have you ever been to the supermarket with a shopping list yeah and get hungry when you're hungry right what do you come out with everything but this on your shopping list right and that's what we're dealing with so

that's what we're trying to meet uh with our our needs is um this need to feel loved the filter need to feel accepted now there is a big, if you want me to touch on it, around masculine and feminine. Have you talked about that at all? We'd love to hear it. So there is masculine men and there's feminine men. Yeah. Equally, there's masculine women and there's feminine women.

Now, this is not an exact science, and it can seem a little bit woo-woo to a lot of people, but there's some great books out there that people can read if they it can seem a little bit woo-woo to a lot of people, but there's some great books out there that people can read if they want to understand a little bit more about it. Basically, the feminine, let's talk to the feminine. So the feminine is someone, and you ladies can tell me if I'm way off here, depending if you're more masculine or feminine or somewhere in between. There's no right or wrong here.

I think it's important to caveat that. There's no right or wrong. The feminine is all about presence, right? It's about intimacy, connection, right? So you hear a lot of women say, he never listens to me because he's not present, right? He might be a masculine man and he might be thinking about his next target, right, of what he's going after. So the feminine is very much around presence. It's about security. It's about love, intimacy. It's like now. So that's what you get in the extreme feminine. The extreme masculine is about target. And you'll see this, right? You might see this in farmers.

Farmer men, right? I've got a job to do. I'm going to go and do the fields and the sheep or whatever else. I'm going to hunt down the prey the prey right that's the very masculine but also you've got traits associated to these so in the masculine you've got very driven so i'm what you might consider be a masculine quite a masculine man i'm like in business you see a lot of men in business that drive so when you see women expressing that trait they're expressing masculine traits now this is not man or woman i just want to make that decision it's just masculine or

feminine traits and so depending on the person you're dealing with let's just say you're asking a very masculine man to talk about his feelings right he's not gonna want to do it right he's not that is the his worst nightmare because he will feel one he might not even know what he feels because he's not used to expressing that side of him and equally like if you get a very feminine woman who's very wild so think about feminine like nature it does not care about boundaries it It's boundaryless. It's wild. It's just everywhere. So if you try and get a feminine woman to get real structure and be rigid with her, like she's going to feel suppressed in that.

And so it's important to understand that side of things as it comes into dating and relationships. And I think one of the hardest things about relationships is understanding because we can sit here and we can say what are men like what are women like yeah but actually there's the extremes and then there's everything in between so how do I get a masculine man to open up to me about his feelings very very good question I think that probably one of the most important things about getting a masculine man to open up is take it slow, but also understand that if he does not feel safe and you reject him or you laugh at him, like he's never even going there. I think, first of all, you're going to find it quite tough anyway. But I think if you're going to try and go there there needs to be a ridiculous amount of trust so i used to run what's called men's groups and men's groups is basically you

get a load of blokes around in a circle and you all talk about our life and what's really going on and it's it's very interesting because the first men's group i ever run i had i had 12 guys in the group and i went in there i'll shit shitting myself. I was thinking, I'm going to get these guys to talk about their feelings. And I remember I used to be in the Air Force and one of the guys in the room, he looked like he wanted to kill me. He sat down and every single guy in the room looked like this. He'd have been 12 ranks above me if I was still in the military, to give you context, right? So massively my superior. I was still in the military to give you context right so massively my superior and uh every single one of them looked like they wanted to kill me and I just started with um started with sharing

one of my own personal stories so if a guy wants a guy to open up he needs to go first yeah because it's just not going to happen so it might be a tip for ladies as well to talk about what you're feeling and then that will open up masculine and men as well it did help that the questions started getting them talking about ejaculation and all of that later on that one last time they had a wank um but we started with name and then worked our way down the list to get them to open up why sorry. What it sounds like is it's really not... I learn every day of this podcast, but it sounds like it's not man and woman because I am somebody that doesn't open up very well.

So it's really about the person that you're dating or the person that you're with, learning about them and how they communicate, if they're masculine, if they're feminine, their attachment styles. So just a lot of understanding the person, isn't it? Yeah. And I think that's the biggest thing that i'd say i've been with my wife 10 years now and the every day i learned something new about her and i love that the only reason i learned something about it is because i'm curious about her i'm curious about why why she do what she

does i mean some things annoy me granted but i'm curious and I want to understand why did she do that? What's the reason? And the more you understand them, the easier it is to communicate and help them get what they want. But I think she's also really lucky that she's got a guy that's noticed his stuff and worked on himself because that's really that's that for me is hard to find. because that's really that's that for me it's hard to find so I think that's also you can probably do that with her because of what you've worked on as well and what maybe she's worked on and we started that all came from originally the the the human needs so how do you ensure that your needs are met now in a relationship is it a conversation that you have to have with your partner regularly is it something that you had to ensure that you were understanding when dating her that she would meet your needs? How did you know that your needs were going to be met with this particular person?

Yeah, I asked my wife this question last night. Did you? Yeah. I love that. And so for me and my wife now, we have a monthly meeting. I've heard that before, you know, from other couples. I've heard that before. And I think when it comes to a relationship,

one of the things I've said to a lot of people is that there's certain things you must have aligned if you're going to make a successful relationship, whether you're starting dating or you're already in a relationship. And there's certain things you need to talk about. One of them, something we suck at as brits in particular is money right it gets easier in business right money because money is a big source of conflict in relationship and how people spend money how people's approach to savings how risk averse they are so money is important i think um what's your take on marriage

you know do you want to get married are you into that if you're not whatever each to their own and So money is important. I think, what's your take on marriage? You know, do you want to get married? Are you into that? If you're not, whatever, each to their own. And what about kids? You know, do you want kids? Do you not want kids? So I think the first thing we need to be clear on is where do you want to go?

What's your vision? Because every relationship needs to have a vision. If you're in a relationship right now or you're dating, you need to find out what's the person's vision? Where are they going? Because that's what's exciting if they have no vision for you in the relationship and it's just like hey let's just do this thing that's probably a bit of a red flag that you should probably notice um so i think those things are really really important discuss to discuss probably not on the first date because you're probably going to scare her how soon into

it white picket fence two kids but I don't think it has to be this let me just get my checklist out and and let me quiz you on it I think some of these stuff can come up loosely in conversation and it doesn't need to be this formal thing I've met plenty of women who are like I've got my checklist for finding the man of my dreams oh yeah i've done that i'm the last person and he didn't it was like do you do this yes yes yes do you drive no i was like oh it was the last one he made it to all three it was the last one so i will say something though i think what's most important in terms i think picking a partner and having a good idea of what you want is the most important thing because it's going to save you a lot of money and a lot of time and a lot less misery as a result the most important thing i believe in a in picking a partner is that you have aligned values doesn't mean you need to

have exactly the same in the exact same order but aligned values so for example if you are somebody who has you love family and you're very close with your family, but you get with someone who just never bothers with his family, he's going to find it very difficult when he wants to go and do something with you and you want to spend time with your family. So it's going to cause conflict. And so I think it's more important that you're aligned in values rather than a lot of the other stuff that people put the drive in

is what i mean that's what i'd say about it and um i go off my tangent it's all good uh but picking up on the red flags i think noticing those stuff in the conversation because what people talk about will tell you all you need to know about what's important to them. And by having those conversations, I think, and asking lots of questions, I think that's what's going to help you uncover the real person. Because, by the way, when you ask questions of someone, it comes out of their unconscious mind. So you get the truth. So if I was to ask you a question and put you on the spot, I'm not going to, get the truth so if I was to ask you a question and put you on the spot I'm not gonna then I would get the answer very quickly about what you what you think or what you believe or what you feel

about something like I might say ex-boyfriend something but we're not gonna go there yeah that makes sense whereas if they know that you're asking for a checklist it's gonna automatically be like isn't it I've actually had a guy say well what would you like me to answer I you know I've said oh who do you live with and he's said like? I, you know, I've said, who do you live with? And he's said, like, as in on a dating app, and he said, well, who do you like me to live with? And I'm like, that isn't how this, this works. I'm just trying to gauge if he lives alone or with friends or his mum. And do you know what I mean? Is that, you have that expectation, I guess, if you ask really obvious questions, like, yeah, yeah, freeze up a bit. Yeah, people will if you try and i think with anybody so in my coaching if i try and try a technique on someone

like hypnosis or something look around the eyes not around the eyes then what will happen is people pick up on it unconsciously so we have um we have something called a critical faculty in the mind and basically it's just like a bullshit detector it's looking for the thing it's looking for the technique so if you try something on them they will probably get defensive as a result they'll pick up on it it'll be a red flag and then they'll get defensive because of it and so if you're going to bypass someone's um critical faculty um it needs to be subtle okay interesting noted or talk really fast yeah i'll be good at that talk really fast because the logical brain will try and process it and you'll get to the answer and they'll just be like in a um being like a

trance yeah so yeah that's what i'd say. When dating now, sometimes it seems like, well, people are trying to match up through like star signs and things like that. But love languages, which actually has backup and science to it, is becoming more prominent and people are more aware of them. You know, I see it in people's bios now, which is really nice. Do you know much about this? And is this something that you kind of looked for when dating? Did a love language matter for you? I had no idea what languages were when I met my wife. I will say this, though, we travel around Australia in a camper van, and we read the five love languages together. And I think that was a great exercise to do because it opens up a lot

of discussion. And for me and my wife, it was just so powerful because my opens up a lot of discussion and for me and my wife it was just so powerful because my love language is words of affirmation whereas hers is i should get this right it's one take so yeah you've got one chance her love language is a physical touch okay and so she would always be like oh i, I'll have a massage, can I have a massage, can I have a massage? And I'd be like, why do you want a massage? Like, you're always going on at me about a bloody massage all the time,

whether it was her feet, her fingers, her head, anything, right? And she would, it's so funny, if we hadn't been too physical, like holding hands or cuddly or something like that whether I'd been really focused on work she'd start thinking to herself is he having an affair I'm not sure he loves me it's so important isn't it for me words of affirmation is really really big I'm me too yeah I think it might be a business thing maybe we're doing well maybe

they're like feedback like an ex could not ever tell me but he'd do loads of stuff for me cook me dinner but I needed the words so much yeah and I think um you see a lot in men actually a lot of men are words of affirmation and um it's very interesting because one of the things to remember about it is especially i've noticed is my wife has the ability to make me feel the most loved person in the world but also the most rejected in the world right because she can cut me down with words if we're in an argument she knows where to go yeah right for the kill i think if you like words of affirmation the opposite cut us deep if they're not words of affirmation

and the opposite i'm like oh my god they hate me yeah and i think i think that's just so important though to understand love languages because i always say that you fall in lust and then you choose to fall in love i agree it's a choice yeah okay now and and i say that because when we first meet someone, when we're listening to someone, I think it's testosterone and estrogen. But then when we are in our attraction strategy, then we experience, I think it's dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin and the neurotransmitters. What happens is we're high on our own supply. Right. serotonin and the neurotransmitters and what happens is we're high on our own supply right so you know when you don't notice the things that you might notice a little bit further on down the line and you go and they do this really annoying thing right well that's the point in which you need to

choose because if you have an awareness around that person if you know what their love language is if you know that they do this behavior it's a choice on whether you accept them and i found that the biggest break two biggest things that i've realized that are important in my relationship and people talk about communication yeah that's an important thing absolutely is number one is respect so you need to respect the other person their view of the world how they feel about things and the other thing you need to respect the other person, their view of the world, how they feel about things. And the other thing you need to do is accept them. Yeah. Because when you met them, they chose you and you accepted each other.

That's because you were high on your own supply and you didn't notice all this stuff. But if you don't accept them, you start to reject them. And when you start to reject them, they start to resent you. Because let's just say i'll give you a very simple example i was busting my balls in my business i was working on something new and my wife who's an engineer she was only one of three women in the uk who was an engineer she sounds great and um she got all this time off and i was working my ass off right and i got really cheesed off of them because i was just like oh look at you on the sofa you're so lazy watching your netflix series

and inside i was boiling because i wasn't doing that yeah and i i just held it onto it held onto and then it came out and it always comes out right so one thing I would say is you're always communicating whether you know it or not you're always communicating and I was giving off subtle body language and signs to her and she was like what's your problem with me and I was like I don't know and then she's like no there is something and I was like oh well I'm working and you're sitting on your ass watching Netflix. And I started to resent her for it. But what I was really resenting, here's a secret.

All anger is angry at ourselves. Yes, 100%. See, if you're at the effect of that person laying on the sofa doing their thing, then you're going gonna feel what you feel but as soon as you take responsibility you go i chose this person shit i chose to be with this person i chose to work all these hours i chose this and that's not easy to swallow for most people then um you can't feel anger at them because you're only you're responsible for it and so my point was that when you can accept the person their traits warts and all that's when I think love really happens

because then people feel like they can be who they want to be and they can start to show their dark side they can start to show that they feel most insecure about and I'd say probably that's been the biggest breakthrough for me in my relationship has been able to share those dirty little secrets those things that I might not have shared I think we're just lucky that we're in an era now where we're having tools such as love language and attachment stores that helps us understand them a little bit more so even if we don't get it personally a lot or don't care about physical affection now I can understand in someone that that's big for them so it means accepting them is easier and I think when I asked you earlier on when did you feel like um you're at

good age to take responsibility I think what I meant was when were you ready to make the choice because I've met quite a lot of great guys that I've dated but they've just not made the choice uh it might be because I'm not the right person for them. It might be because they weren't ready at that time. But we've also spoken about this. Two people need to be absolutely ready to commit to each other. And that's where I think timing can come into, your timing has to sync up with two people as well as accepting.

There's just so many things. So many factors. Because I think time can get in the way. People say, you know, it doesn't if they're the right person. But sometimes I factors because I think time can get in the way people say you know it doesn't if they're the right person but sometimes I think yeah time can get in the way if you you know someone moves to America for a career or whatever happens anyway you've been an amazing guest great we've learned a lot normally we do a finale question and I think that's changed based on the conversation so you mentioned something earlier about the self-assurance experiment

and naming from one to 34 where you feel self-assured. Yeah. Are you able to pop yourself on a number? Where I am? I'd probably say it depends on the context. Yeah. So in business, I'm like a two. And one is self-assured?

Self-assured, yeahassured yeah and in relationships uh relationships no I'd say I'm probably probably a four in a relationship wow it's high on the scale that yeah and honestly I'd say that my confidence has come from doing the work like it really has like what you see today is not what I used to be if you'd have met me 10 years ago it would be a completely different experience so you two talking about this stuff I'd have felt vulnerable you'd have been judging me look at me with your piercing eyes I know and I would have been feeling really inferior, but I'm just so certain in myself right now. And I think that, especially in business,

you have to be that as well. Because I always say money loves certainty, but women love certainty too, right? We really do. Women love certainty. Yeah, well, yeah, if a man was certain of me, oh, God, you'd love it. But it also makes you feel safe as well, right?

Yeah, that's what it is, security, isn't it? Certainty, security. So it goes back to that feminine, an MP's feminine energy that I was talking about before. It's a big part. Where would you say you were? Can you answer? I'll do it in dating.

Yeah, in dating context. 21. Yeah. Even in business, I'm probably only about 15. Still a long way to go, a few years behind so yeah five years time i think it just comes from leaning like i always say that um confidence is a back-to-front approach right so most people look to the future of where they go and there's a lot of uncertainty in the future and when they look to the future they look for all the evidence of why they can't do it because you get all your limitations and all it didn't work in the past and then they go back to the past and focus on all the

things that went wrong and confidence is something that the more i always say that confidence is the reward for leaning into your own anxiety. And the more you lean into the things that are uncomfortable for you, the more confident you get. Yeah, that's how I live my life. Getting outside your comfort zone is the best. I try and live outside my comfort zone every day. So hopefully in five years' time, I'll be at two. What about you, Daisy?

I think, yeah, it's really hard. In terms of self-assurance in myself, I think I'm quite close to the beginning. Like I'd say like in myself, like four or five in terms of like business and me as a person and my friends and how I treat people. In terms of dating, I feel like I'm further down. I don't know.

How far down I was. I'm just reading you, by the way. I think further down, yeah, probably like 20, similar to you. Yeah. Yeah. You notice how her voice changed. So when she's like, I'm on the show, I'm bam, yeah, confident. And I'm down there.

And that's where you notice, right? So just to give like a little hack on confidence, right? So it's physiology. So I noticed it in your voice very quickly and then she went all like oh even her hand was coming out it's shaking right it's if you ever want to feel confident in any moment all you need to do is change your physiology so if you ever noticed that when you're nervous how do you hold yourself you're like you close yourself off right but what if you just put your

arms out put your chest out and actually just put a big smile on your face and you breathe fully right that they call it a superhero pose they did a study at Harvard where if you hold that for two minutes just a superhero pose you will start to feel confident and i would say that that's kind of the secret to creating anything you want is your ability to manage your own state your own state of mind when you can manage how you feel in any moment then you'll be able to do the things that you want to do in any moment and i think whether we're talking about dating whether we're talking about relationships whether we're talking about business if you want to have something in your life if you can manage your state of mind to say I'm freaking gonna have that and you have the ability

to just go after it you'll always get what you want and if you don't get what you expect yourself to get in that moment it's exactly what you need what a gem to end it on i know amazing thank you so much jay williams you've been amazing mindset coach we'll pop all of your details in the bio so that people can also check you out on your socials uh you can follow days dates podcast on everything so tiktok instagram uh we're on facebook as daisy dates which of course that group is for women as a little safe space but everywhere else everyone is welcome

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