Daisie Dates - EP7 BREAK UPS - our experiences & behaviours

Episode Date: June 21, 2023

Trigger warning* Episode mentions Miscarriage at around 36 minutes, however details aren't discussed. BREAK UPS: Get ready for an episode that will take you on an exhilarating emotional rollercoaster! In this weeks podcast, Daisie kicks off the episode with the emotional story of a more recent ex. Listen to the unexpected breakup story and how he chose the worst timing ever - and who he left her for!! Whilst Sharnee goes into the intense heartbreak of her first love. We all know how overwhelming that can be, right? But hold on tight, there's more! Sharnee chooses to be refreshingly transparent and discusses a topic that countless women can relate to. If you're seeking advice or simply want to connect with like-minded women, don't forget to join the exclusive women-only Facebook page, @DaisieDates. And make sure to follow on all other platforms at @DaisieDatesPodcast for more exciting content! Thank you for being a part of our journey! Stay tuned for next week's episode. We'll see you there with more laughter, tears, and everything in between! Follow the podcast over on TikTok and Insta: @daisiedatespodcast You can find Daisie Dates Podcast on all podcast platforms Love, Dais xo P.S My DM's are always open if you're looking for advice!

Know what I got, know what I want Boy don't get me wrong Sure we're having fun But it don't mean that I'm in love Hello, welcome to the Daisy Dates podcast where we talk all things dating, heartbreak, situationships you name it, we talk about it. I'm Daisy.

And I'm Sian. And today, it really is about the heartbreak and the breakups. Yep, it sure is. This is the episode we've been waiting for. We're both feeling a bit of a certain way about this one, I think, aren't we? Yeah, because your first heartbreak is a big moment in your life. So to talk about it to a bunch of strangers is very exposing. It is, yeah. I mean, I don't know where to start because I feel like I've been heartbroken a few times and sometimes I think you can be heartbroken

sometimes without the love part like we've kind of touched on before sometimes you can have a moment in time you know six eight months or a year with someone maybe not fully love them or receive the love back but still feel a certain way okay so do you think your first heartbreak was not fully you loving them when you look back that first heartbreak I fully loved him but I think I'm going to talk about a heartbreak more recent okay yeah that just because I want to talk about behaviors in a heartbreak okay and I don't like how I behaved okay same but once I've only ever been in love once and I've only ever been heartbroken once. Once was enough for me.

Learned my lesson after the one. You know me, I learn a lesson. Yeah, absolutely. I think I've still only been in love once, though, with my first love. Okay, but heartbroken or felt kind of heartbroken a few times. Yeah. Okay, you can go first. Okay, fine.

So a few years ago, and we we were together it was the kind of lockdown I guess so everything was more prominent in lockdown wasn't it you and we ended up living together really unexpectedly it was a weird world just spending a lot of time with people in one space how old was you so about three years ago okay 25 okay I forget you're younger than me and you lived with him okay I didn't know that yeah only because of lockdown it wasn't like a plan but it meant I was working at home with him and he was also working at home as well so we were together all of the time and it was fun like you know I baked I found stuff to do we were all making banana bread there was lots of different things that happened.

But the breakup specifically with this person was just really horrible because it was really unexpected. I think with like a first love, you can expect it, things happen. We had time apart, we went back together. This one, it was just random one day. So we're on Christmas time and he buys me lovely Christmas presents, you know, like Pandora heart earrings. And we've been together a year and he's never said the L word. What the, that's crazy. He was a fearful avoidant because we don't like to say that.

I don't think he ever got there with me. And eight months in, maybe seven months in, you know, it came up, like we haven't said it yet and he's like at the minute I don't feel like I'll get there but do you you know I think it just yeah he'd been married previously what yeah this just gets deeper and deeper and he said maybe it's just gonna take more time you're the first girl since you know a divorce a divorce. And I was like, that totally makes sense, doesn't it? So yeah, I'll be fine. I'll wait a year for you to love me.

But he said he doesn't think he'll get there or he thinks it will take him a while. Which one? Both. He kind of said, on one hand, he said, I don't think I'll get there. And it ended up, after seven months, we like broke up. But then the next day he called me and was like, I've made a mistake. I will get there's just gonna take me time so we stay together for three or four more

months and then the inevitable happens happens because I think it always does when when that happens I think it always happens eventually doesn't it so yeah unreal Christmas presents and I'm like this is gonna be it like love earrings, Dyson air wrap and hairdryer. Like he'd spent loads. Not that that matters. But also my birthday is the 2nd of Jan and I got really thoughtful gifts as well. of December we invite like my mum and stepdad around for dinner and we're all kind of dancing the kitchen we've had a few drinks and she goes oh look at you lovebirds in the kitchen look at you both like so in love because like on the outside I guess it looked like that would that make you two feel awkward because you don't say that you love each other so yeah so I was like I was too embarrassed to tell my family that you haven't said I love you yet because it's been a year you live together yeah like you've got to love to tell my family that he hadn't said I love you yet because it's been a year.

You live together? Yeah, like you've got to love someone by then. I knew it wasn't right. But did you love him? Was you just saying it because he, was you just not saying it because he hadn't said it? And did you feel it but you didn't want to say it and then him not say it? Like what was the, why did you both not say it? Hindsight, I don't think I did.

You don't think you did? Hindsight? I don't think I did. You don't think you did? Hindsight. In the moment, there were times when I was like, yeah, but no, I don't think it was fully right. But I really liked him a lot. Yeah, and I do respect that he didn't say it because some people just say it for the sake of it. I think I would just say it for the sake of it. But I made a rule to myself that if somebody says they can't see themselves marrying me they can't see themselves loving me they can't see a relationship with me it is done for me.

Sian I love that like good for you because that's what I would do now and that's why this person was a lesson which we'll talk about in breakups because it's always a lesson isn't it? Yeah always. Because I turned to him when my mum said that and I said oh if only she knew and like he was like stop it like we've had an amazing time how can you not see how I feel about you I've bought you this we've done this you know you're living with me I've spent Christmas with you and my and my family you know like just leave it like meaning like stop the conversation so I was like yeah yeah stop it Daisy you're ruining something but looking back like that was just to push it out the way. Yeah, and I know couples that haven't said it for three or four years.

Do you? But then they got married, so they obviously do love each other, but they just don't know how to say it. I think they both say, we just don't know how to say it. We just feel awkward about saying it. Not that his reasoning is really hard. I think that's really hard to go for three or four months thinking this boy's never going to end up loving me yeah I don't know what I was thinking you know what it was

someone that should be the perfect person on paper so he was within he knew our family he was a family friend at the time um we knew him very well everyone knew him as a mate in a relationship and people like this is it if you meet someone like him that's it Everyone knew him as a mate in a relationship, and people were like, this is it. If you meet someone like him, that's it, Daisy, because they're a relationship guy, they don't mess around. So you think, well, on paper, he's the guy that everyone's telling me is great. And I think that's the problem when lots of exterior people,

external people get involved. Because if this was some random dude I'd met on Tinder, and I didn't know much about his background, and after a year he hadn't loved me yet, then I would be more... And I think people that are in relationships only want their single friends and single family members to be happy but honestly you've got to stop putting an expectation on us when we meet somebody everybody I meet my friends go I love him I love him okay but that's not going to make me feel any better when it ends or when it's not right or then you're not telling me that I'm making the wrong choice by ending it just let us live and like we let you

live with your relationship because we haven't found them yet so let us make our own decision and don't I know you're happy for us and I know you want us to meet somebody but it's not making it any easier for us with these opinions the external factors make a big difference how a friend can be like no but he's done this and this for you. And, you know, compared to your ex, look how great he's been. And that isn't always a good comparison because if your ex has been absolutely rubbish, then just because he's a little bit better. 5% better.

Deep down, you always know in the gut. The whole year I knew in my gut that he wasn't quite right. So how did it fully, fully end? So we're on around the 10 10th something like that of January so a few weeks after the Christmas which had been rocky it had been rocky like he was picking on me for random arguments which is when you know someone isn't into you as well everything is annoying them about you I spill a drop of Baileys on his sofa and he hit the roof like I'm talking it was like I'd I'd literally like said something awful about his mother or he hit the roof and then New Year's

Eve right I'm working and I get back in time for the evening so 7 p.m and he's roasted like a lamb in the garden all day long so I'm like look at this man yeah this is what I want like he's made me dinner all day he's been in the kitchen so at dinner we start to talk about stuff and I'm like he's quite a lot older than me at this point so I guess he's like more 34 35 and he had always made it clear how much he wanted kids so kids came up we've only been together a year but I was kind of letting him know that if he really wanted them I'd be willing to have them sooner than maybe he thought I would because of my age he hit the roof he hit the roof yeah because we started talking about a baby and I was like do you feel like that's something you'd want in the next like two three years he was like why are we talking about this and I was like well

I'm your girlfriend of a year and he was like why are we talking about this and he was like, well, I'm your girlfriend of a year. And he was like, why are we talking about this? And he was like, he slammed the knife fork down and he said, for God's sake, Daisy, you always ruin everything. This 34, 35-year-old man locked himself in his upstairs toilet to calm himself down. I'm speechless. I'm speechless. And because me and Daisy are so opposite and we go for opposite men i've never had this sort of treatment from mum yeah if if there's a problem in relationship it

was usually me i i'm speechless that that is crazy what a grown little baby he what no one day doesn't want children yet he He's a little baby himself. Cry baby. In the toilet. Silly. Silly. What the hell? I was literally like, how do I? And then I'm like, I'm not going to tiptoe around this man. I've had a very, I'm like, after a year,

it's normal to have a conversation about that kind of thing, right? I'm living in your house. I'm not saying I want your babies. I'm just saying, can you see it happening? How would it all make you feel, though, when he's going mad at tiny little things like this? Oh my God, at this point I was like, something's not right. He obviously doesn't like me because I've spilled a tiny bit of Baileys on his sofa

and it's hit the roof. Like this isn't, I love Baileys, this isn't normal. But then like the next day he'd be like, oh do you want to do this with my family and we could do this on Christmas Eve and he made it very hot and cold I guess but I don't think he was aware of that so come around the 10th of January we spend a weekend together and I'm not very well on the Sunday and I was like I don't know whether to call in sick to work I'm really not well and he just couldn't care less he's just like do what you want to do and I'm like can I stay here for the night if I don't go back to Leeds because I just don't I'll text my manager now he doesn't care I'm thinking

you get an extra night with me and we're doing a bit of long distance occasionally so why does he not really care that I'm really not feeling well and and he was like yeah don't don't really mind so I thought you know what I'm gonna go back to Leeds I don't want to be here I'd rather be ill in Leeds with my best mate who I lived with at the time it's very confusing we were between lockdowns I was between two spaces so I was like she'll look after me better than him so I went I went back and I didn't hear from my boyfriend for four days that week. Oh, my goodness. What a walking red flag he is.

No wonder he's divorced. So that week, on, like, the Wednesday, I'm ringing his stepmum. Like, I'm actually worried he lives alone as he's falling down the stairs. As he got himself locked in the bathroom and he was starved to death. Do you know what I mean?

you couldn't get out he's been crying for days so honestly I go home on a Thursday night he's barely spoken to me he's apologised a little bit I've been really busy and tired I had a key obviously to his house at this point I get home on Thursday night

go in and I was like he's either breaking up with me he's cheated on me or something really is not right I walk in he comes down the stairs he runs downstairs and he's like I just need to talk to you I'm like oh my god who have you shagged um bearing in mind this is my different kind of type he's not the kind of geekier

man sorry he is the kind of geekier man he's not like the typical uh six love island guy that I go for so I'm like surely he's not cheating on me uh six love island guy that i go for so i'm like surely he's not cheating on me because this kind of guy is the family man the one on paper right that everyone that guy is the geeks for cheating yeah you'll find out in a minute and you didn't even know this story oh so he sits me down and he's like i can't do it i just can't i can't do it i don't love you that's very clear I can see that I'm never gonna love you so I'm like this is so sad yeah it is actually I'm never gonna love you so I'm sat there and obviously I'm 25 is pretty young I think for this like so young well you were young

to get with somebody that was divorced yeah I think so so we're going through it I don't really get an answer I text my sister she's like come around you know I have the pizza and I'm heartbroken I'm crying I'm like what is what what's just and this this out of the blue you don't get someone love heart earrings on the 25th of December and then you know 15 days later anyway what I haven't mentioned here is the week that he's been ignoring me, my granddad had passed away. So it's the same week that I'm dealing with... Yeah, it's the same week I'm dealing with a grieving family as well. I'd normally go to my mum, but she's grieving her dad.

It was a really, really difficult time in that sense. Like lonely. Yeah, my best friend took everything, bless her. Like everything. Oh, me getting through that to her and her only really and so he wanted to break up with me the four days before ignoring me but it was because my grandmother passed he was like it wasn't the right time so we delayed it a week which kind of get it anyway a week later I travel back from Leeds and I've got a bag full of his

stuff in Leeds to bring back to his house which is two hours and a half away so I'm like I text him and I get no reply at one tix all day but I'm like he's always in on a Sunday I'll just knock on his door and drop it off so I get to the door and there's a new Audi on the drive and I'm like I know his sister wanted an Audi and I'm like oh your sister got the new car he answered the door so shady and he's like oh yeah oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, yeah. Gave him the bag, called by. Like, he didn't say, like, I'm so sorry and I hope you're doing all right. Nothing.

I went to my auntie's and I was like, this isn't right. I'm having a cup of tea and I was like, that's a girl's car. That is a girl's car. I can't believe this story. I thought, I can't believe this story. I can't believe this story. I thought, I can't believe this story. Anyway, it took about three weeks of me just being like, what's happened?

You know, I've messaged his friends, like, who is it? What's happened? He rings me three weeks later and he says, yeah, my first love from when I was 20 years old, the girl he was with before his marriage, it's her. How do you still have something in common with her? If my ex came back now, I'd be like, hello, what should we speak about? We haven't seen each other for 10 years. Yeah.

And it was her Audi outside? Her Audi outside. How did that happen so quickly, though? Did he cheat? I don't know the info, but obviously, yeah, because that's a week later and the Audi's on the drive do you know I mean I could smell the roast dinner as you open the door the lamb the lamb I'll just let you know don't bring up children because he'll lock himself in the bathroom bye no six months later they're having a kid oh my god yeah that's mad isn't that mad that's crazy and what do you think because i think there's

a theme where you never get a conclusion at your ending i don't i don't know because i'm so harsh i don't know if i make it i don't know i feel like you have to live your life with a lot of not knowing endings and i couldn't live with that but you seem to just not know some of your endings and now i see why you do text them and you do phone them to try and get that closure because I didn't have to deal with that because in mine, it was Meg. So I knew that was my problem.

I don't know how you can deal with just constantly not having a conclusion to the ending. It's a strong girl because I couldn't do it. It drove me potty. Oh, pleasure. I think I always try to ensure that I get an answer and in this case it was his first love and they're still together now so

fair enough it was the right choice but there's a way to deal with this kind of thing and why get back in touch after you broke up after 8 months why get you the presents why even start the relationship is your first love already in a relationship so you're just waiting until she's single up it doesn't make any sense you just were wasting someone's time for the sake of wasting someone's time it just seems irrelevant like yeah you're 24 if anything

you're getting older like you're 25 and you're still young you're old locking yourself in the bathroom with a girl that you went to school with, like, stop, it's embarrassing. I always find that I'm the girl that a guy meets after they've had a relationship. And I think because I'm very spontaneous, I'm very, like, I'll do anything, yeah, let's go here, let's go here, I'm good at planning, so I'll get it in. I think sometimes men can get carried away,

or people if it's the opposite way around, with that person after such a long relationship with one person, get carried away with the new fun, the new spark. And this person will keep my mind off the current heartbreak. And I think I'm the same, except for I go for wounded men that have got, like, family issues or some sort of past trauma, and I also give them a, like, make them forget what's going on so I think we're both the same like we're both fun spontaneous and we let people get like hide from their problems and then

once their problems are okay they're like bye girls and we're like bye I got girlfriend no worry see you later I agree I feel like I've been used a lot for the fun and men get carried away with me then when their ex comes back into their life they're like oh actually I've had six years with this person so that's happened loads yeah before we get into how I dealt with it let's talk about yours okay do you need to take a deep breath I actually don't know if mine's as bad as yours you know yeah because I was young and it was my fault and there's some things that he did that I can't make excuses for him. But he was very nice.

Okay, so this is about my first love. And I met him when I was 16. Well, we actually went to primary school together. And we were friends at primary school. We then went to different secondary schools. And then we met each other at sixth form doing drama. And I went to a girls' school, and he was one of the only boys that came to our sixth form,

so he was inundated with attention. Girls were loving him, and he had this sweet fringe and skater boy look, and girls were like, oh, my God, there's a nearby in the school. And I was like, I'm going to have him. And we got together after about three months, and when we were together, we were perfect for each other it was the perfect little childhood first little love and the only thing that was wrong was that I had a

very unhealthy attachment when it come to love like I couldn't believe I was in love I couldn't believe I had a boyfriend I couldn't believe he was lying next to me I just couldn't believe I was in love I couldn't believe I had a boyfriend I couldn't believe he was lying next to me I just couldn't believe it every day I'd wake up like whoa I've got a boyfriend like my friends would laugh and be like you've got a boyfriend let's calm down I was so like in deep deep love that like I couldn't see anything else I was literally like he is amazing and everyone was like he's not that amazing like looking because he's obviously a guy for geeks and I was like he's beautiful and we were together for three years two and a half three years nothing much to report there it was just a nice cute little relationship we liked we had the same sense of humor we both went to university both really ambitious he just loved me being weird and hyper I could be my complete self

and I loved his family my family loved him and it was great i can't say a bad word about him as a boyfriend i really can't he was he was an angel and i had friends that had their first love and they were like being blanked at the bar their boyfriends were like when you get in the pub you're not with me but if my boyfriend said no he'd be thrown out the pub if he said that and my friends were just allowing these boys just treat them vile and my boyfriend was just an angel and I was like oh you're an angel he treated me like a queen like breakfast in bed all the time where is he now he's got a house of a new girl of course yeah um so yeah and then we decided to go to university and we both were going to separate universities and I'm a realist always

have been I was in love but I knew statistically we weren't going to make it through university wow I'd literally looked at stats and I'm like it is rare that someone makes it through uni I don't think we're going to make it um I even said to my dad we were going on a family holiday to Bulgaria and I said can he come with us because I don't think we'll make it past first year. So I'd love to have a holiday with him before that. And my dad was like, yes, we had a lovely holiday before university. And he like, I didn't get into university originally. And I was crying. He got in because he's very smart and I didn't and was on holiday.

And in the morning, I got a message from UCAS saying that my course had changed and that if I took on English, I could get drama too. And in the car the next day, my ex-boyfriend was like, I prayed for you last night that you'd be able to get into university. And he was an atheist and he was like, and I prayed for you. And I was literally like, you are just so cute. I just got goosebumps. He was so sweet.

I really can't fault him as a boyfriend. So then we went to university and straight away trouble started straight away because basically we got to fill out a questionnaire to go to university and they'd put us with like-minded people in our halls I didn't get the halls that I wanted and then the people that I got put with I was confused because my questionnaire definitely was not the same as their questionnaire they hated anything uni life they hated drinking they hated socials they hated people that didn't take their course seriously i walked in like rock star let's go party yeah and they were like we actually went out last night we're not going

out the rest of freshers and i was like oh my god so i hated university for the first couple of weeks him on the other side other side of west midlands loving life he's doing cinema nights with his housemates and he's going cinema nights with his housemates and he's going for lunch with his housemates. He's planning to get tattoos with his housemates. And at the time, he just couldn't be there for me the way I wanted him to be there for me. I wanted him at my beck and call.

So I was crying constantly. And imagine you're at university, you're enjoying yourself and you've got your girlfriend on the other side of the West Midlands constantly calling you, going um i hate uni and he's like on a cinema night and he's having to sit in his room on his own listening to me cry or he would go out and if he didn't text me for two hours i'd be like where are you are you still alive you shouldn't leave me waiting and he'd like go home like i've had to come home earlier what's up and this was constant and it must have been very draining for him so after about six and you know listen it was really hard for me to like it was hard like uni was hard

for me I didn't find it easy at the first couple of months so you know I was young I wanted my boyfriend I understand why he couldn't be there for me but he didn't make it any easier and after about a month and a half he broke up with me and I said I don't think so no you didn't I don't think so actually that's not happening so I messaged his housemates and said hi I'm thinking we're gonna call him bub again they're all bub love it hi I'm thinking of surprising bub tonight um we haven't seen each other for a while I was wondering if you could let me into the flat before he gets back from the lecture and they were like oh that's so cute yeah of course and i was like okay so i did the hour trip there walked into his uni and having a cup of tea with his house mates they're all like oh he's gonna be so excited to see you are you nervous no i was delusional

i was sitting there like i'm gonna see boyfriend. He broke up with me the night before. I'm like, I'm going to see my boyfriend. Delusional. Delusional. I wish he could have seen me at the time. It was delusional. There was a massive smile on my face. Like my ex-boyfriend was about to walk in and be like,

why are you at my university? So he walks in, his face drops. And immediately his housemates know they've been punked. I can't with this. I was not expecting that. He walked in. What are you doing here? I've come to see you.

I've come to see you. He was like, get in my room now. I'm smiling psychotically at his housemates. Be like, la, la, la, la, see you in a second. Put the kettle on, la, la, la, la, la la go in his room, he's like, what the hell I broke up with you yesterday I was like, here's the thing, we're not breaking up so, let's talk about it

let's talk it through, tell me what's on your mind his mind's like, I want to break up with you and I'm like, have you ever heard a compromise? and he was like, yeah, here's a compromise if you go back to your uni now then we won't break up, that's not deal no you didn't believe that deal deal so I said bye to everybody I've got to go now smiling the whole way home and then we stayed together for another week or two now this happened three or four times this happened um and the relationship

was getting worse and worse and I was smiling more and more. I was so delusional. I just was like, if I smile, then we won't break up. So we're just going to keep smiling. So then we've got a similar time. Last month was the 19th of December. Don't ask what I still remember, but it was the 19th of December. I'd come home for the weekend.

He worked in Birmingham every weekend. So I'd have to come home and that night I remember sitting on his sofa and crying and he was like why are you crying I was like I just feel like I'm not be gonna be your girlfriend anymore no shit Sherlock he's literally broken up you four times I was like and he was like we're fine he was like we're fine don't stop crying hate it when guys do that when we're not fine though we're not fine I was like he was like we're fine don't stop crying I hate it when guys do that when we're not fine though we're not fine I was like he was like we're fine I was like I just got and I am that is this a word like on I don't have good instincts I've never had good instincts you know people like I get a feeling this is the one time it's ever happened to me and I was like I don't know why I just feel like

in deep down I know I'm not going to be your girlfriend anymore and he was like oh let's just go to bed like you're being weird let's go to bed so it's okay went to sleep woke up and he had gone to work and it was the morning and again I woke up and I thought oh I don't feel like I'm going to be in his bedroom again as his girlfriend like I don't know why what's going on but I just know I'm not going to be his girlfriend anymore let's check his socials so no oh god you always find something yeah and we were like we didn't care about giving our password like i said we had a great relationship so i had his passwords he had mine i went on to his facebook and i went on to his messages and i don't know why i scrolled down and this girl's let's call her lily this girl's name popped out me i'd heard about her once there

was actually a girl that he used to speak about a lot who he ended up dating afterwards, but I knew it wasn't her. Also, by the way, I have no clue that he would cheat. This is just all my body is telling me to do all this. I did not think he would cheat on me. So I messaged this lily as him, and I said, oh my God, my girlfriend's found out what we've done

five minutes later oh my god what are you gonna do you're a genius Sean I was like my whole world at that age it is your whole world I remember after my first love I remember saying what am I gonna do with my life now I was literally like 19 yeah I said I want the bus to run me over I was that too extreme that's such a first love thing though is it

it feels like the end I'm heartbroken for you I was like mum I just want the bus to run me over so I was like oh my god Bob has cheated on me

Bob geeky sweepy fringe in love with me Bob has cheated on me well he wasn Sweepy fringe In love with me Bob Has cheated on me Well he wasn't in love with me At this point was he He broke up with me

Four times Take the hint girl So I left Went home Went to my mum And said mum Bob's cheated on me She was like

Has he slept with someone Or kissed someone I'm not sure But let me Change his password On Facebook So that he can't see These messages

And that He can't message her anything. So I did change his Facebook password. Which, by the way, as adults would not encourage. Not encourage. Guys, I was a weird person. I've been single seven years for this reason. I go weird when I'm in love, okay? This is not good.

This is a totally different side of you that I'm seeing like this is not Shani this is not me anymore I'm so scared that I'll ever be her again

I swear because she was insane she was insane I psychotically went to I said no you're not breaking up with me also

if someone breaks up with you just take it gracefully for God's sake well this is why we always learn. We're learning. I'll never do that again. So I phoned my best friend and she was rolling me up.

And she was like, go to his work. No. That's too far. Don't involve someone's work. And I was like, okay. So I got on. Oh, no. I got on the bus, went to the city centre.

The effort that you go to at that age, because you're getting on a bus for God's sake. Went to the restaurant that he worked at. And I used to, like, get him, like, a surprise lunch. I used to go and get Subway or Millie's Cookies. So he's probably thinking, look at my girlfriend. She's bringing me a Millie's Cookies. I walked up, he went, you all right, babe?

I went, yeah, you all right? He went, yeah, what are you doing? I said, oh, I just found out you cheated on me his face was all the evidence I needed to know that it was true his face was I saw it and I thought oh god it's true oh no it's true so I said it gets worse as you think what I've walked out I'm not walking out you're in the middle of like Frankie and Benny's here or something I mean we love a massive shopping centre in town right and I said get me a coke I'm gonna go and sit over there and when you're ready you can come and tell me what's happened fair enough I'll back that now yeah back that part how many hours would you wait oh no did you

wait the whole shift it was nearly four hours oh coke. Of me sitting there with a psychotic smile on my face. The smile is still there at this point, right? And imagine, right, him, he's working a shift, right, at the restaurant. He's trying to serve people. He's trying to do customer service. And his girlfriend is sitting there with a psychotic smile, demanding cokes every hour. And he's going, he's walking past me right and he's going have you changed my facebook password and i'm like yep and then 20 minutes later comes around

can i have the password i'm like nope because at this time i'm still messaging lily trying to get exactly what's happened and she's just not giving anything away i'm like what should i tell my girlfriend and she's like tell her what you want and i'm like but should i tell the truth and he's like she's like maybe i'm like lily. And I'm like, but shall I tell the truth? And he's like, she's like, maybe. And I'm like, Lily, give me something.

What is the truth? I need to know. Okay, it's not Barbara Kate Smith. No, I didn't. I don't know if she knew that it was ever me.

So then, nearly four hours into his shift, because this was at like nine, so I had to wait until lunchtime for his lunch. And he came over, and he was like, my boss says I can eat lunch with you.

And I was like, okay, tell me what happened. And he was like, we were at says I can eat lunch with you and I was like okay tell me what happened and he was like we're at a house party and we kissed right I was like but at that time kissing was a big deal isn't it yeah I don't know it'd still be a big deal now but at that time I was a cheating vigilante I hated cheating which I still do now but like at that time I was literally a vigilante anyone that cheated I would be out there for the kill can I ask you how you felt in this moment because if ever I've had to confront a guy like that my whole body feels the adrenaline and I get really shaky are you anxious at this point

I'm a drama queen so I was really living for the drama okay um and also I thought yeah he's cheated on me but he's gonna have to beg for me back now and I'm ready for that bit that's gonna be great when he has to beg for me back like I can't wait till he's cheated on me, but he's going to have to beg for me back now and I'm ready for that bit. That's going to be great when he has to beg for me back. I can't wait till he's begging for me back. Nice and toxic. Yeah, I was so toxic. You know, you just figured this out now. And I've told you 5% of the stuff that I've done.

Five, right? Let me tell you. So I was like, did you delete it? He was like, no. I was like, why did you do it? And he was like, Sian, I tried to break up with you so many times. And I went, so many times?

Yeah. What? More than one to break up with somebody so many times, Sian. So he did. And he only cheated on me because he knew I hated cheating that badly that it was the only way he could break up with me. So I said, you've broken my heart, bub, and I never want to see you again. And I walked out.

When I'm a BBM, which if you're, like, really young, it's kind of like if you could do a WhatsApp status but send it to everybody on WhatsApp. Remember the broadcast? Yeah, the broadcast, yeah. So I broadcasted, can't believe he's cheated on me. Oh, no. Oh, God.

And his sister messaged, like, oh, my God, what's happened? And I was like, your brother's cheated on me. And then I got on the train to go back to university and he messaged me saying, when I finish my shift, I'll let you know why it's over. I text him back saying, uh-uh-uh, no, sunshine, I'm saying it's over. Good, like that part, like that part.

Spoiler alert. Oh, no. I didn't want it it's over. Good. Like that part. Like that part. Spoiler alert. Oh, no. I didn't want it to be over. Listen, these stories have kept my family entertained for years. So I went home and I had a friend that went to the same uni as me but was from home and she came over. I cried and then he phoned me and I was giving it all. Don't phone me and try to come back to me.

And he was like, I'm not trying to come back to you. Like, it's over. And I was like, what? He was like, I don't want to come back to you. Like, it's over. And I was like, please don't leave me. Oh, no. And he was like, Sian, I can't do it anymore.

I was like, please don't leave me. And he was like, Sian. And I was like, please. And then I remember that night I fell asleep and crying on the phone to him. Like, he stayed on the phone to me whilst I fell asleep crying, just begging and begging and begging for him to not break up with me just begging for what I felt like I was until I fell asleep crying do you think that's being young and in love or do you think that comes from a place of you needing to not be rejected no I don't think I was did you

hear me it sounds like I'm anxious preoccupied if anything at that point I was so far I was definitely not an avoidant I was like love you want I was I loved affection anything at that point I was so far I was definitely not in the void and I was like love you want I was I loved affection so much that if I could be inside his body I would have been inside his body I was so far away from fearful it was crazy no rejection didn't care and then that night that morning I woke up and I set out to get him back and every day I found new ways to try and get him back. And that happened for about two years. So yeah.

Ages. Just turning 21. So 19 to just turning 21. And yeah, that's my initial breakup story. I can't believe all of that. I'm in shock. Now knowing you and I mean, please go back and listen to previous episodes because the sharni that we know and the real sharni is like no not having that no not having

that are you joking no you don't want me k bye you're lost like where did i need where did this change come in is it age is it what has happened so for So this is where I say he was the greatest boyfriend because he was, I can't follow him, but he was a horrible ex-boyfriend. So we slept together for two years and there was a few things that he did throughout that was really disrespectful. One of them was he would let me walk alone

in the middle of the night to go to his house, never offered to walk me back. I'd be walking the streets at three four in the morning didn't care for my safety if I phoned him drunk he'd say I'm embarrassing I'm making a scene and he would cut off sex like that's what he would do he would cut sex off so I'd stop getting emotional and being dramatic so that the sex wouldn't stop because the sex meant I could see him. And then, this is deep, but I'll be completely transparent.

When you're having sex with someone for two years, something else he did was sleep with me unprotected for those two years. Eventually, you'll get pregnant. So when I was in my second year of uni, I got pregnant. Really weird. I felt weird. Had a period. Three days later later I had a really heavy period, was miscarriaging, which is fine, it isn't traumatic for me, happens to a lot of women, I'm not motherly, I never dreamed of being a mother, so that doesn't affect me, but what did was when I went home to tell him that it happened, this was like two or three weeks after it all

happened, and I told him very flippantly like just let you know I was pregnant not anymore just thought you want to know and then five minutes later he was having sex with me unprotected again and that made me feel worthless it made me feel like I was a little doll that he was throwing about it made me feel like I am nothing and I had a dad that didn't show me any love. And then I had the boy that I thought loved me treat me as if I was nothing. And I remember after that night, I was like, I am nothing. And I thought to myself, I let somebody disrespect me like that. I am nothing. Like, I am nothing.

I am unworthy. And that was the moment I think I switched. And I stopped showing emotion. I stopped being affectionate. I stopped thinking I was worthy of I stopped being affectionate I stopped thinking I was worthy of love and fearful avoidant traits started from that night and we still continued to sleep together for a year after that another year after that but I think it was that moment that was switched from a I love love I'm really affectionate love people keep wanting to

get you back to I'm using sex for to tell me that I'm valid and tell me that I'm worthy I'm no longer showing people my emotions because he'll just cut off sex or just don't do that anymore and I won't commit to anybody and it literally was like a switch like that that is so sad isn't it and I'm sure so many people have so many stories like that because likewise you can change from anxious to secure if you work on yourself so the fact that that clearly was a clear change in your attachment style due to a person and event happening in your life um I think a lot of people you can look back and be really mad at yourself but a lot of people have been with their partners for years afterwards my first love we slept together multiple times for at least two years

afterwards and it's so toxic but I think particularly when you're that young you don't realize how much of an effect that can have and someone might think you know well it was your fault after that traumatic thing happening you still went back there you were both unprotective unprotected you were but I think at that age you're not always thinking of the kind of consequences are you rather have done it unprotected than not seeing him that's how that's how I felt I'd rather had done it unprotected than not see him. That's how I felt. I'd rather have the risk of being pregnant. I'd rather have the risk of miscarrying. I'd rather have the risk of feeling emotionally damaged if it meant that I could see him.

And that was it. That was it. And that's why I always say he was a great boyfriend, but ex-boyfriend. I think I wouldn't have been single this long if that hadn't have happened. I probably would have met somebody. I don't even like being hugged now.

I literally wanted to be in the boy's body. Now, I'm in a kiss all the time, but hugging, actual hugging, holding hands, it's so far away from what I'm about. And I think my life would have been so much different if that event wouldn't have happened. And I'm sure he doesn't know it affected me in the way that it did, but it's something that I still can't forgive him for. You know, it's really hard to know when you do meet someone.

Sometimes, and similar to the ex I spoke about earlier earlier he's a great friend and a great family person but in a relationship not very kind and then in a breakup horrible what's really hard to know when you meet someone is how they're going to treat you when they don't love you because you know you can get amazing co-parents and they'll still there's still respect that needs to happen just human to human. And that's quite hard to find, someone that will be kind and gentle with you when they don't love you anymore because that's a horrible way to treat someone.

But if I was kinder to myself, that situation wouldn't have happened. So it worked because we were both not kind to me. Well, exactly, yeah, you've hit it on the spot. Because he was kind to himself. He was loving love himself. He had girlfriends in between us sleeping together. And meanwhile, my friend's pretending to text me as a boy called Lewis just to try and make him jealous.

Look, I was not moving on. And now you've seen me. You wouldn't even get me close to that now. But that's because, it sounds so lame when you say it out loud or write it down, but that's because you love yourself now. Yeah. Oh, and I'm great now. I was great then.

I wish I would have known. I know. I'm great now. And great then i wish i would have known i know i'm great now and she oh i would never two years what do i look like no never again that's an age thing isn't it like learning being wiser and actually learning to be like i'm amazing you can't treat me like that yeah and knowing like it will affect your future he's now moved out with his girlfriend that he's been with for seven, eight years because he wasn't affected in the same way that I was. I've been affected enough that he put me off men for that long

and put me off being in love for that long. And being a fearful avoidant is hard work. Look, it's not easy to be the ones that are known for not liking love and not liking affection. It's not easy to be the fearful avoidant because YouTube videos say we're the hardest people to be with and it's not that we don't want to be loved it's just that we find it hard and at least you you recognize that you are one which is the first thing a lot of people don't and you realize the

work that you need to do to try and be more like secure and not avoidant which is amazing that you even recognize that because lots of people don't yeah and also I think if you can look back you can't like so you've learned and also you're so young at that time and even in the breakup I spoke about when I was 25 some of the things I did like the abuse I sent him via text at the time now if someone did that I'd be like you know what you're lost and that's only three years later I'm sure it was very unarticular message compared to my... You know what, when I was going to talk about how I dealt with the breakup,

it was more the self-destructive I'm annoyed at. OK. So it was, you know, I was... I'm not saying I'm drinking like an alcoholic, but I would get in at work at three and I would need a glass of wine. Really? Yeah.

Yours was more like trying to find other things to deal with the emotions and just deal with them yeah I was just eating really badly I just weren't going to the gym I was just lazy and sobbing on the sofa and just you know my housemate would come in do you want to go for a walk it's really nice sunny outside no I can't like god bless her uh because honestly she was dragging me out she planned this really lovely uh day where we like made i had a pasta maker we made pasta together we got wine the whole time i didn't want to be in morrison's getting the stuff i didn't want to be doing the past i didn't want to be watching but she made me do it you need to have someone to make you do it or you need it's it's in your mindset to make yourself rewire the thoughts which we're

going to get onto in another episode with a great guest that can talk about that mindset coaching but for me I found it so hard to rewire my thoughts it was someone's broken up on me again I was he went back to another girl again which has been a pattern in my life that's about the third or fourth guy that's gone back to a previous partner so So why haven't I, what's made them better than me? Which isn't the narrative that you should be telling your brain. And it isn't about comparing to people anyway. It's the history that they've had. You can't compete with history.

Yeah, and you're just repeating patterns. It's not like, it's just obviously you attract the same man as I do. I attract wounded men. You attract men that are still in love with their flipping first ex or their freaking exes. Do you know what I mean? I think it's just what we're attracting it's just repeated and we find it harder but I was more proactive I didn't lie down but mostly because I wanted to get him back so every

morning it was just uh what can I do to get him back today and I went to some I did a lot of things try and get him back but as you can see 10 years later none of them worked so oh I'm so surprised at this story I've had like two completely different experiences I'm now more proactive so although I haven't had a heartbreak since then in that sense people that have ghosted me I've been like smashing the gym since the last guy annoyed me and I've been like being productive you know this podcast has started in that time of starting a new counselling course so many things have come from it whereas three years ago I just I remember just the sofa the one spot on the sofa and like a month and a bit later

I was like Daisy get your arse off this l-shaped sofa because you're making a dent mate like get up and cook a meal because your best mate's been cooking for you for the last month what are you doing you're 25 you're young and you know what no matter what age you are if you're a kind lovely person don't let someone bring you down like that yeah and if they're living their life and you're on the sofa who's you're only hurting yourself yeah you're only hurting you're not spoiling him yeah I was I was okay and to be fair it has a happy ending I started to absolutely love university because without him I had to put myself out of my comfort zone and I had to meet new people

it's just a shame that the whole way through I was like part time, university part time trying to get him back it would cost money to try and get him back one time I booked us a cinema ticket this was shortly after we'd broken up I phoned him and said you alright he was like you ok? I was like yeah I've booked us to go

see Polar Express at the IMAX in Birmingham next week he was like obviously I'm not going we're not together anymore I was like what are you OK? I was like, yeah, I've booked us to go see Polar Express at the IMAX in Birmingham next week. He was like, well, obviously I'm not going. We're not together anymore. I was like, what? Sorry, the line's funny. What did you say? He was like, obviously I'm not going.

We're not together anymore. We haven't been together for a month. I was like, it sounds like you're saying we're not going, but I've bought the tickets. He was like, yep, text someone else. We're not together. I was like, you're really rude. You know what? I'm going to make you feel a little bit better here because we've all been

crazy with people and the the guy I was with the second boyfriend some more like 20 years old I went all the way to Reading on a train for him to turn up at his house because he wasn't texting me back and I didn't know why he'd broken up with me his brother was mowing the lawn and was like what are you doing here he's broken up with you where is he said he wasn't in and was like, what are you doing here? He's woken up with you. Where is he? Said he wasn't in. I was like, I'll wait. And I waited on the lawn. And again, we ended up sharing a bed that night as well. So we all do these things and I travelled all the way to Reading. You know what, I don't even think, I don't know what age I was,

but I was barely earning any money. That train to Reading I think was 70 quid. Like, what are you doing, girl? It costs money to get people back, you know. It actually does, it costs me loads. I'd write poems and all sorts. We've all done a poem haven't we? Yeah anything I could do and every single time he said no and I was so surprised

every time I was thinking oh I've got to try something else. Come on Bob. Give it up mate. I made him take me on two dates as well. I managed to get two dates in that two years. I said you're making yourself not happy. You're making me not happy. So you need to take me on a date. He's like, go away.

What I've learned is when a man tells, and you see this loads, when a man tells you no, believe them. Yeah. When anyone tells you no. Any gender, believe them. Yeah. Don't make anyone tell you twice. If they say no the first time, inevitably it's going to be a no a second,

third, fourth, fifth time. If someone ain't feeling it, don't go. Honestly, to be honest, I think I've only learned that. I'd say in the last few years, if someone doesn't want you, let it be. It ain't meant to be. And I wouldn't say that I've learned that like five years ago. No, I'd say in the last three, like, maybe since this most recent breakup. Yeah, smiling psychotically doesn't always work.

Just let it go. But, yeah, obviously, no-one's ever got... I don't think I've even really liked anybody that much, to be fair, since it's happened. I can cut people off in seconds and never think about them again. Yeah, that's... It's really sad. It's so sad, isn't it, how much... how long it takes to find the next person that you really like

yeah and I mean I'm glad because I wouldn't want to get attached easy either so I am glad that like that kind of left me but like someone might be potential and they say one thing and I'll cut it off and I'll never see or speak to them again they're probably sitting there like what happened is that a fearful avoidant thing or is that how we're just dating now in our dating culture because I can do that too I've been talking to a guy that I'm really getting on with he just sent me a selfie that's a bit like and I'm like oh nah

but I do it with people that I could like right so like the boy that you went on four dates with I could have cut him off gone see you later oh no see I couldn't have

I really did like him yeah and I liked the situation shit but I said I'm bored and cut that off and that was that even though I really liked him I was like see you later

it really is an avoidant thing yeah it's just an avoidant thing. Yeah, sad. It's not going to be forever though. Exactly. Yeah, we'll get into attachment styles. Well, I think I know the answer to this one. The finale question was going to be,

would you go back and change any behaviours? Which now after knowing this, stupid question really, isn't it? If I could change anything, I would just change going back after I wish he would never have slept with me once I'd be married to kids by now Wow

You really feel like that Yeah I wouldn't be a fifth I would like to be hugged But I don't even like to be hugged He ruined ten years of my life Gosh As well as other things

There was other factors while i was single but i was and and the fact that i'm so weird in love that i was just like i never want to be like her again but i think if we would have stopped that that day and just let you know he actually i ended sleeping with him it was me that stopped it finally he's still probably between the bloody now um if he would we would have never slept together after we broke up my life would be so so different and I would be so much more affectionate and like nicer and kinder strange isn't it because I look back at some experience I've had and obviously deep down there must have affected me in some way but it it's never stopped me being open to love like

when I now get someone you know like the last situation ship I spoke about that did kind of ghost me after quite lovely dates I'm still shocked yeah I'm like why don't you want to be with me like it hasn't and I love that about you I wish I was like it because I I'm at a place where I love myself now so I'm comfortable and I love that I will still welcome love yeah and I'm still really a bit of hopes romantic like ah it's it's out there I really truly believe it's out there for everyone but really based on you know you've had one experience today and you were shocked, it doesn't change how I feel going into a relationship.

And I love that. That's exactly how I would like to be. I'd love to go in being positive. It's just, at the moment, my brain is set to be like, fight or flight, go. You know what? We're excited for that change. Don't you worry, girl.

You're working on it. I would change behaviours. I think, like you said i got my closure from the guy in the end so that needed to happen i think you always need closure people say the no and the ghosting is the closure but you know what i'm gonna stand by it if you need an answer get your answer because normally that's the close close of the book um i would change like getting in and being unmotivated. Now, a man not wanting me is my motivation to smash the gym ten times harder, to meet more friends to go out with and to just do lots of things that I love.

Love that. No self-destruction for you and no sleeping with people for me. Well, thank you for listening. Remember to like, subscribe. We're everywhere like youtube amazon google spotify we're on instagram as daisy dates podcast tiktok and facebook facebook group daisy dates is actually for women only just because we like it to keep it a safe space for women but everyone and everyone is welcome everywhere else we're really excited for the next episode as well yes we will catch you then.