Danny Jones Podcast - #43 - If Florida Was a Person | Kyle Ruse

Episode Date: June 8, 2020

Kyle Ruse is a stand up comedian and tattoo artist from St. Petersburg Florida.  Follow Kyle: https://twitter.com/Kyle_Ruse Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

What's up? Today we have special guest, Kyle Ruse. Hey. What is up, dude? Nothing, hang out. Hey, hey. Drinking the liquor you guys got. That was very nice of you guys. You are the first comic, legit comic that we've had on this show.

I don't know about legit. I do comedy, but... You're definitely legit, dude. I listened to your whole album today on Spotify, and that was fucking hilarious. I should have it on Amazon. I get more money for that one. Oh, man. You really have it on Amazon?

Yeah, it's on all those things, man. I didn't do it. Like, I'm not tech smart. There's a shitty website that. like you pay and it disperses them to all those. But yeah, it's on like that. iTunes, all the major bullshit. It's not hard to find.

You're a local and you're born and raised in this area of Florida, right? Yeah, I was born at Bayfront. I'll probably die there. Born at Bayfront, you'll probably die there. Like that would be poetic. That's how that's the way I see it. Spread my ashes at St. Pete Beach. And you've been doing tattoos.

That's basically what you do now is just basically tattoos, stand-up comedy, and what else you do? How do you mean money? I do that too. And drugs? No, I've been doing stand-up for like a decade. I've been tattooing for like a decade. It's like pretty much all I do anymore. Like it's pretty rad.

Like I'm glad that I don't weld anymore. That you don't weld. Yeah, that sucks. It's not. It's Florida. It's hot. I'm fat. It's not a good thing to do.

It's like 104 degrees like hanging out with like your future. I'm glad I got out of that. Because every day that I was like the welding shop, just looking at like old drunk pieces of shit. I was like, that's going to be me. What's the face hat? That's an umbrella. Okay.

It's stupid. Part of working on a tattoo shop is sometimes you're like, oh, this would be cool. You know what I mean? And then it happens. Like, you don't get a chance to think it through. Yeah. So I tattooed, like, four. I was working at Tyromall Mall.

And I tattooed, like, four ghetto-ass white kids that week and did, like, tear drops on all of them. Were they 19 years old? They were, like, maybe, like, 18 tops. You know what I mean? Like, the chin strap beard, like, wife beater, like, one hand tattoo, like, P. Fiddy cap. Yeah, yeah. And all these kids got, like, tear drops.

And I was like, fuck this, I'm going to get an umbrella. Yeah. And then it just happened. And then now I have a face tattoo. Hell, yeah. Is that the shield, the rest of your face from all the teardrops that fall? It depends how drunk I am when you ask me. Like, sometimes I'm like, I killed so many people.

I got an umbrella. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah. Sometimes, like, if I'm, like, if I'm, like, talking to a chick, well, before I was married. Like, I ain't crying a lot. I'm sensitive. Oh, my God. It's the cutest thing.

That when you're at atomic tattoo there in Tyromo? Fuck, no. I quit there years ago. Oh. I did. When you got the umbrella tattoo? Yeah. That's when I got that.

Do you remember? You probably don't remember it. Do you remember this tattoo by any chance, though? Hell yeah. That's my mom. We came to the mall that day with my mom and her cousin. Man, I got so much better. And you tattooed that on my mom's shoulder.

She got a Steelers tattoo. Carving them up. Yeah. And I remember you gave her the card. I think it said Fat Kyle on the card. And she fucking, I told her today, I'm like, I'm doing the podcast with the guy you tattooed your Steelers tattooed, she's like, I fucking love it.

I lost a little weight sense thing. Yeah, it's so funny. Like, people will be like, oh, you tattooed me. I don't even know who they are. Like, somebody will stop me in the grocery room. What's that man? Like, you tattoo me? I'm like, I don't know who you are.

And then, like, show me their tats. Like, oh, what's up, Jim? How's the kids? Yeah, yeah. Like, it clicks. I, like, will not even remember somebody and they'll, like, show me some shit. Like, I've apologized to people that, like, I tattooed, like, my first year. Like, I was like, oh, fuck.

Like, like. my bad my mom and she's like i told her we're coming to do the podcast she's like tell him i'm ready for another one yeah the fact that like i did that on her and she still wants to get tattoo that's pretty rad yeah it's cool as hell she loves it too man yeah that was a weird time bro working on the mall was so weird yeah it is weird right we were actually just like they're randomly and pat in the tattoo shop was there and my mom was like i don't know we'd been i think we had bloody marries early in the day and drinking and she's like let's get a tat too when i was working at dude Like, you've ever been kicked out of a Ruby Tuesday?

Like, that's... No, not Ruby Tuesday. On a Tuesday? Like, how poetic. How do you get kicked out of Ruby Tuesdays? I don't even remember what I did. Probably as being loud. Yeah, like, a bar.

You know what I mean? Like, we would always, like, go, like, to work hungover. The mall opened at, like, 10. We would literally go and drop our backpacks and go straight to Ruby Tuesday. Hell yeah. Yeah, because it was right there in the mall. There was, like, two hot chicks that worked there at the time, too. Hell yeah.

So, like, we would go there and get bloodies, but like, yeah, sometimes you forget you're not at a bar, even though you're sitting at a bar. Right. You're like just fucking yelling, like cussing and shit. Like, old people are, like having brunch, right? Get them out of here. Get them out. You know what I mean? Yeah, they got the salad bar.

They're like, we can't have this here. Yeah. You're like three drinks deep on, like, a Wednesday at like 1130. And you're like, you're the problem. Not me. Yeah. That's the joy of alcohol. You'll feel right, even when you're so wrong.

So wrong. Yeah. So, our stupid tattoos, your face. favorite tattoos, just dumb, meaningless tattoos. I think if I was to get a tattoo, that's definitely what I would do. Yeah, man, get a memorial tab of your dead kids boring, man. Get something cool. Get an eagle.

Go home. Yeah, for sure. I mean, like, yeah, if you want to get, like, a meaningful tattoo, yeah, cool. Like, if you want to think it out, I'm not going to do that shit for you. That's not my job. You know what I mean? Like, I don't care what fucking, like, dude, I should be a goddamn florist right now. Like, I know every flower from the years of tattooing.

Like, I have literally, like, I have a face tat. I look like a date rapist. And I've literally yelled the words, that's a Star Ganger Lily. Not a tiger lily. Like, it's, I don't, like, my job isn't to do, to think your shit out. You know what I mean? Right. The same person that comes with some bullshit Pinterest tattoo, I treat them the same as

somebody that comes in to get something rad that I want to do. You know what I mean? Like, it's not, it's so different. There's so many different styles of everything, too. Like, I definitely prefer doing, like, fun, like, jokey tattoos, like, like, puny shit. You know what I mean? Like, that's what I would like to do. Right.

But, like, I really don't care what it is as long as you get to do what I want to do. It's like, you know, anything else. Like if somebody paints fucking oil landscapes, you know what I mean? You're not going to be like, hey, paint my kid, you know? Right. It's not what I do. I paint boats, motherfucker. Yeah.

Like, it's honestly, I really don't care anymore as long as people are paying. Like, that's all I care about. Right. It's, treat everybody with respect, dude. Right. There's, like, not really any customer service in what we do, but, like, it's, uh, you slap a fucking smile on your face. Just like if you work at a winghouse, you don't know what I mean? Like, whatever the hell you do.

Right. You're serving them whatever they order. I can't wait to tattoo this arrow on you. I did six times last week, Stephanie. You know what I mean? This is the greatest idea ever. My favorites and people come in there like, I want something original and they show you a picture from Pinterest

of a tattoo that's already on somebody else. Right, right. And then they look at you and they look at like through your book of shit that you don't like any of this. This is stupid. Yeah. No original shit. There's nothing original left, is there? No, I mean, there is, but no one's cool enough to get that kind of stuff.

You know what I mean? I was trying to talk some kid into getting good and evil vaginas in his armpits not too long ago. Whoa. I was like, that'd be rad, dude. He's so sick. This kid's like, he's like, I want to do like, like, devils on one arm and, like, angels on the other. I was like, we should do, like, a really nice pussy in one armpit and, like, think pomegranate with maggots for the other one. I was like, that would be a good day.

Holy shit. He did not think that was a good idea. He didn't get it? Nah, not at all. I think the funniest, dumbest thing I've ever done. It wasn't even my idea. Still working to the mall for some reason. And, uh, this lady came in with, like, a raspy-ass voice, like, those, like tight pants with, like, the fucking bedazzled

crosses on the ass. This lady was probably like mid-50s or like a real eight-up, like mid-forties, right? Definitely, Kenes City. Like, uh, Kennes City, like Harley riding lady. Panellas Park's finest. Peroxide

blonde fucking bleached hair. Like, uh, I think she was wearing a warrant tank top. You know what I mean? Yeah, like, uh, she was probably like, I would like to see her 20-year-old counterpart. You know what I mean? She went to the tour that was on the back of her shirt. Yeah. Like this lady looks like she would finger you.

Like she was scary as fuck. And she comes in and she's like, she's like, I want to get a monster truck in my lower back. I don't even, I'm like, fuck yeah, dude. I'm like, Grave-Digger, what's up? Let's do it. Grave-digger, yeah. And I tattooed a monster truck on her lower back

with a banner that said mud slanging. And I was like, you don't drive a truck, do you? She goes, nah, I'm a straight freak. And I was like, oh my God, I'm doing like an anal sex reference on this old broad right now. As if it couldn't get any better, her like 30 year old son hung out the whole time. Whoa.

You know, like, kids are like very different than their parents sometimes. Like, this was like, I don't know how this like straight-laced like fucking camp counselor looking fucking dude came out of this lady. Like this dude was literally sitting there like a canary yellow polo just like damn it, mom. I was like, yeah, let's ditch the mud slanger. Yeah, let's ditch the kid. Let's go to Ruby Tuesdays, bitch. She was ready too probably. Oh my God.

This lady. No she is. Oh, my God. Yeah. This lady smelt like Zima. It was, like, she was the best. Her name was Cheryl. I still tattoo her.

Like, yeah, she's fucking rad as fuck, dude. Like, uh, she moved to homo sassia because that's what you do when you look like that. Yeah. And I was doing comedy up there at this biker bar called high octane saloon. And like, she's like friends with me on Facebook and like didn't even think about it. And I was like, yeah, I'm going to be here or whatever. Uh, I get off stage. And this lady is like at the side of the stage like, you did this tattoo.

And I'm like, Cheryl, what's up lady? I knew. How are the kids? Oh, my God, right? It's a weird thing, man. Like, there's people that I've met tattoos and that, like, that are just customers, but there's people that, like, I even forget that I met them at work that are just homies now. Yeah.

Not the industry. A lot of people think it is. Like, it's, it's fun. And that's the shitty part is, like, people are like, oh, you love your job, so it's not really work. Like, it's still fucking work. It's still work. I don't always love it. Like, playing in blood is not fun.

You know what I mean? Like, you don't know who the fuck people. You guys live around here. You know how gross these people are. Oh, yeah. tattooed Pete Park for five years, man. Right. That's rough.

You're not getting to anything. Yeah, you definitely aren't catching the coronavirus. That's for sure. I've literally turned down chicks and be like, hey, like, give it a week when that shit right there clears up, come back. You know what you? Like, now's not the time. Damn. So there's been people that have walked in that have been so gnarly that you've been like, I don't know if I can touch you.

Dude, yeah. Like, stinky people. Like, that's like, that shouldn't be a thing that I should have to tell people. Like, you brush your teeth before you go to the fucking doctor. or the dentist. They'll be shower before you come in the shop, right? Like, if people leave in construction sites, like, hey, man, you want to fix this barbed?

Fuck you. Go home and shower, bro. Like, I don't come back. Yeah, every dude that's ever come in in a lime green shirt. Like, you know, like, cut trees, shower, then come in. You know, like, so bad, dude. Like, people like that, like, people that are, like, visibly, like, hammered. Like, I don't deal with that shit.

Like, pillheads, dude. Like, I've had people come in that are, like, sober as a fucking bird when you get there. And they're like, I don't want to get this. And then, like, you're drawing shit up. And they're like, oh man, like they were like doing pills or something in the bathroom. And then you're like half hour into the tattoo and they're just zonked out in the chair. They're fondnessy.

Yeah. It's awful, man. So does your tattoo career kind of fuel your comedy career in a way? Or how did you get started in comedy? What made you want to start doing that? I don't know. I always liked stand-up, dude. Like, I was watching my parents really into it.

Like, I used to come home from school and like watch my dad's like Dean Martin Rose tapes. You know what I mean? Like Don Rickles and shit. Like I was so into that. Like I was watching stand-up. when I was like six, seven years old, dude. Fifth grade talent show, I roasted my teachers. Hell yeah.

Destroyed them, dude. Oh, man, I wish we had that video. Dude, my mom, very nice lady, has literally on four cores lights been like, I'll suck somebody's dick for that tape. Somebody's got it. I'm like, what? Oh, man. She's a good lady. Did you go through some childhood trauma?

Fuck, yeah, I did, bro. Like, that's what makes the best, like, when I meet comics, like, and I'm like, I don't even care about your act. I'm like, what happened you when a kid? They're like, nothing. I had a great childhood. I'm like, you're not funny. You don't even? Like, if you didn't get diddled, do drugs, like, if your uncle didn't fuck you, like,

you're usually not funny. Like, that's just how it is. Like, that, like, comedy comes from tragedy. Like, that's real, like, the whole reason that I even got funny was a defense mechanism to not be stuck in my head thinking about what happened. Yeah. That's what a lot of people do. Like, people that get made fun of.

Like, I got bullied so much, which is why I can, like, destroy people on roast now because, like, it's a wet dream to make fun of people and give it back to them. Yeah. A lot of people that are funny, like, the funnier the people you know, the more fucked up they usually are. And, like, I just, I don't really believe that. Like, his comedy's changed. You know what I mean?

But, like, I feel like the funniest people, like, have some awful shit in their past. Yeah. Whether they talk about it or not, like, I went through some, like, pretty awful shit as a kid. Like, I got, uh, I got molested by my sister. That's a... What? Yeah, it's a... I don't know if I have a smile on my face.

A weird thing to talk about. Yeah. It always creeps people out because they're like... How old were you? Dude, from... The sex abuse was from, like, five to nine. And, like, she physically abused. me from like five to like 12.

Like it was so bad. Like, imagine going to school like covered in bruises right? And like your teacher's like, your dad doing shit to you? And you're like, no. And like you want to tell somebody, but like you're so embarrassed. You don't want to tell them with your sister. Yo, a chick beats the fuck out of me. Like it was like it was such a weird thing.

So it was even weirder to like there was like this constant like, oh my God, his dad probably hits him. I fell off my bike. You know what I mean? Like it was so bad. Like my sister was bifolar. paranoid schizophrenic. She tried to smother me with a pillow when I was an infant.

I don't remember that. Very jealous person. So she was, like, in a home and shit. They kind of had it, like, under control. And, like, it wasn't, like, raped. You know what I mean? But, like, it was, like, it was wrong. But, like, you don't know what's going on then.

You know what I mean? It was, like, doctor. It was, like, for sure. It was made to be, like, a game. But she was also eight years older than me. So she was, like, 12-ish when all this started. You know what I mean? So I don't even know what's going on, right?

I didn't even know. what sex was like that was the shittier part is like coming to a realization and like you're like early like teens like oh fuck what happened was like that was not right you know what I mean yeah and then like uh did you ever ask her no dude uh I didn't because like I didn't like she'd left before I'd really realize what was going on so like uh so like like sexual abuse that like I didn't really know was even abuse at the time I just thought this was just a thing right uh and then it turned violent of like don't fucking tell anybody you know what I mean like dude Like, my parents would, like, have her babysit me, dude.

Like, they would leave. And, like, the minute the door shut, dude, she would beat the fuck out of me, dude. Like, she was a big girl, dude. Like, I know, like, I'm a fat dude. My sister was a big, fat fuck. That's why I hate fat chicks. People are always like, oh, you're just, you're just a fucking piece of shit. And, like, you just judge girls.

No, I hate fat girls because one beat me as a child, right? Like, that's what. But now, dude, like, I used to go to bed at night and, like, literally, like, push a foot locker in front of my door. because you'd like go say good night to your parents you know what I mean like my mom night dad and like I would walk past her room to go to my room and she'd like I'm gonna slit your fucking throat in your sleep you know what I'm like six you know what I mean I was like every night like I uh I still have night tears like to this day like uh and you do what a lot of people do like like you suppress things you know what I mean at the time I was terrified but I couldn't tell anybody

because it was just like any other abuse where like you know if you fucking tell anybody I'm gonna kill you I'm gonna kill them you know they're never gonna believe you like it's hard like and that was the hardest thing too to have that like held over your head like that young and like it fucking ruined every ounce of trust i ever had because it was a family member i couldn't trust her i couldn't like i feel like my parents like uh you know the whole like screaming and like no one's listening type feeling like i try to drop so many hints of what was going on and like it just didn't ever register and like i didn't tell anybody like i held that shit until i was like 21 i didn't talk to anybody about it like it was it fucked up a lot of parts of

my life who was the first person you told about it oh my my god cunt of a kid's mom. That backfired. Oh, shit. Yeah. I actually told her about it, right? Thinking, like, I'm doing the right thing and, like, told her. And then, like, a year later when we split up, she, like, tried to use that against me and be like, well, he got molested as a kid. So he probably molests our kid. Like, it was fucked up. Oh, that's fucking. Yeah.

Told her, my mom was the second person I told that still just, like, breaks my heart. Like, because how did your mom react? Not well. Like, because it wasn't just like, hey, I got molested. You know what I mean? Especially because you're older now. Yeah, this was like, I'm like going to be 34. So it's been like, you know, over a decade since like I started talking about it. You know what I mean?

Yeah. When I told her, it wasn't like a, hey, I want to tell you something. We were arguing about something. I don't even remember what the fuck it was. We were arguing about something. She's like, I don't know what you hold against me. Or you know what I mean? I don't know what it is.

And I'm like, you want to fucking know what's wrong with me? You know what I mean? Like, this shit happened. And you weren't like and just fucking lost it. You know what I mean? And it was a really shitty thing. is like you don't take into consideration how she probably felt because of course it was like,

if I would have would have known, and I would have done something. Like, of course you would have, but it wouldn't have changed what already happened. Right. It was a really, really weird thing. I have to warn her now because like I do stand-up jokes about it now.

Like, yeah, I started doing a joke not too long ago about, like, the worst part about getting molested by your sister is now every time I open you porn. It's like, brother fuck sister.

Like, oh my gosh, I was trying to rub one out in the worst genre of porn ever. You know what a buzz kill. Yeah, right? I'm just fucking alone trying to rub one out while my wife's taking a nap, and then I've got a childhood trauma just to get to the section of shit that I do like,

you know what I mean? Yeah. Oh, fuck. Now, so you still have never confronted your sister about it to this day? Dude, she's in prison, dude. Oh, shit. How does she end up there? Selling oxies, bro.

We're a very Florida family. Okay. That's a very Florida way to go to prison. Yeah, dude. She's been, like, in and out of jail for a while. She would date, like, old, like, veteran dudes. You know what I mean? and she's not hot

so you can only imagine what these dudes look like you know what I mean So she got their VA prescription card Yeah and they would like sell their Their pills and shit And like she got busted selling like an undercover cop

You know what I mean It was it was right When all the pill mill shit Like when they're really coming down And everybody like Yeah Like it's probably like 05-06 You know what I mean

That's when that shit was like at the top And like she got busted with all that shit They were making examples of anybody Because Florida was the fucking Laughingstock Of the fucking oxy I mean, you know what I mean? And the whole country in general.

Oh, yeah. What do we show? A Massachusetts now, right? Yeah. Full heroin. I don't even ever been to Connecticut. That place smells like heroin. It's awful.

But yeah, like, she got busted with all that shit. But apparently she had, like, another thing out to where she, like, exposed herself and did some other shit to some other kids that she was, like, babysitting that we didn't know or whatever. And it was so weird the way the timing worked out to where, like, I had just, like, told my mom and, like, came out and, like, finally, like, got it all. You know what I mean? I had my own fucking, I, I, me-toed before me-to was cool. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, like, it was right around the time that, like, I had just started talking about it and, like, got it out.

You know what I mean? That, uh, she was going through all of her legal shit for, for that. And I got, like, a random call, like, out of nowhere. And, like, they were like, is this Mr. Roos? I'm like, I thought I was like, this is not cool. Like, no one ever asks for Mr. Roos. You know what I mean? And they were like, oh, this is the police.

Yeah, it was, uh, it was an attorney that was trying her case and they were looking for character witnesses. Oh, so I actually did, like, an anonymous depo. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, deposition. Yeah, I did an anonymous depo over the phone as a character witness to what a piece of shit she was. Wow. So I think, like, that's the one thing that, like, helped me a lot was like. To get it off your chest. And like, even like. And she knows you're putting it out there, right? No, she has no idea it was me. Oh, because it's anonymous. Well, luckily she's in prison. She's not going to, I don't think she's a fan of your podcast. I don't know. We got a lot of people from prison. Yeah, that's sketchy people.

that. But yeah, like, I did a, uh, just to basically just like told them like, you know, like what I knew, like how manipulative and fucking gnarly she was and shit. And like, like, straight up was like, no, she deserves like whatever you're going to give her. She didn't get any charges for any sex crimes, but like it was just a, uh, she'd been R-O-R'd like a few times and like went on the lamb and like ran and shit. But like that was like the biggest thing that like helped me was like being like, yeah, fucking, you know, like I not only like got it out, but like, like told some.

somebody that like mattered. You know what I mean? Right, right, right. And, like, kind of, like, did that. And, like, that's why, like, I'm a, like, I know it's really hard. And, like, I have a lot of friends and, like, men and females that, like, have gone through, like, different, like, sex abuse things or, like, people who have been raped or whatever.

And, like, it's always the... You're talking to this. All right. Yeah. It's always the, uh, like, you know, I don't want to go to the cops. You know what I mean? Nobody does. Like, I've held that shit for, like, 20 years.

Yeah. But, like, the best thing you can do is, like, the thing that sucks is, like, the way the fucking system is, like, so many women, like, report things. Dude, imagine, like, women talking about, like, how hard it is for, like, women to report things. Imagine being a fucking dude. Like, I literally have told people when they've been, like, ha. Yeah, right. Like, you're running a bit on me. Yeah.

You try out of new material on me? Yeah, right? And, like, they don't realize, like, the fucking toll that takes on you, like, what, like, childhood sexual abuse does to you? Like, it either, like, shuts people completely off to where, like, you never want anybody to, touch you ever again or it makes you like really awkward like sexually or it turns people into fucking deviates you know what I mean like like legit addicts you know what I mean luckily for me uh it just made me awkward you know what I mean like I've been married two years like and I'm still like it's okay you know what I mean like it's it's cool of you like it's definitely ruin

that it's ruined relationships like it was funny like being in like high school like all my friends are like losing their virginity and I was like terrified I don't want to do this you know they're like yo I'm going to prom with Jessica you know what I mean I want a fuck her in the back with Mustang. Hell yeah. Have fun guys. You know, I don't want anything to do with that.

I need your bike real quick. All right. We just got to adjust the camera a little bit. All right. Yeah, it's a weird thing that not a lot of people go through. And it's a even weird thing

that not a lot of people talk about it, especially dudes. Like, uh, I feel like men are way more like apt to hold that shit in. You know what I mean? Yeah, definitely.

Because you don't want to admit this shit. Yeah, it's hard to talk about. A girl took advantage of you or did something fucked up to you, you know? Dude, just say tomorrow. night. All right. Say,

uh, they lift the bar band, right? And you go out tomorrow night and some chick just whips your ass at a bar. Right. Are you going to tell anybody? Hell no. You know?

And like, uh, like, like, that's the weirdest part, like, about all this is like that, like,

uh, I think the part that like, fucked me up the most with all of it was that like, just admitting it and being like, yeah, this happened. Cause like, you,

you don't see it as abuse when you're that little. Right. You don't understand it at that point. Like, like, I literally didn't know, what sex or anything like that was. And like having that is like the firsthand experience of something.

And then like having the like realization later of like, oh shit, this was wrong. Damn. Yeah. And then that happens. And then just the suppression starts. Yeah. And you just put it back and put it back. And like I went for like a good like all through high school.

Like I pretty much like didn't think about it. It was like in the back of my head. And then like it would start coming up and like as weed got better. Like you know what I mean? Like the back in shrooms. I had a fucking really bad trip Like junior year of high school And that was when it was like

Yep, this happened dude You know what I mean? Like it just came back Dude, yeah Literally like a mile from here Walsingham Park dude No yeah Straight from here

Yeah We hop the fence We're walking around Walsingham Park dude And I was like by the lake Just like tripping balls dude And like like literally Like Came back in like flashbacks

Almost like freeze frames You know what I mean And it's like You started thinking about like Oh yeah That was weird You know what I mean why don't I hang out in that closet so much?

And then you're like, why aren't my sister's titties in this memory? You know what I mean? And then you're like, ah, fuck. Like, yeah, I forgot that happened. I've been burying it for, like, fucking 10 years, you know? Like, it was so weird because, like, I definitely wanted to, like, a period in, like, my late teens, early 20s where, like, I was totally drinking and doing drugs to suppress things. And, like, I think that's a big accomplishment to go from doing drugs to suppress things to

just doing drugs because you want to. Like, that's a big thing. You know what I mean? For sure. Like, it's definitely better to do drugs when you feel, good versus when you feel bad. Yeah, like self-medicating is not cool at all. And it sucks, man.

Like, I still drink and party and stuff, but, like, it's when I want to. You know what I mean? Yeah. I, uh, like, I have my kid half the time and, like, I don't drink or do anything, like, the days that she's with me and then, like, she goes home and then, like, go out and stuff. And then, but that's just, it's control. Like, some people, I, I watch people, like, throw their fucking lives away on

Natty Light and I don't know how they do it. Like, I have a- drink a lot of Natty Light to throw your life away. Dude, 18 a day. This dude does. bro. I have a buddy that literally like crushes like my uncle. Yeah, this might be your uncle. I don't know. Yeah, the armadillo killer?

Yeah. Oh, that sounds rad. What? Oh, yeah. Yeah, my uncle, Dan. I don't want to ruin the story. How do you kill an armadillo? Like, he pitch forks then. He has a driveway.

First of all, he lives in Sebastian, Florida. So it's... Where the fuck is that? That or gives him... Eastwood. Oh, that's a dude we stayed with. Yeah, that's his first hall pass. So he has a driveway with the, uh, like the gutter that goes underneath the driveway,

so you can go in one in and go out the other end. and he basically chases the armadilloes into one end and he goes and waits for him for when they come out and he's there with a pitchfork and stabs him. But he doesn't even eat him or anything. He just fucking flicks him into the same, into the, uh, he let it. He flings them into the fucking woods just off the pitchfork. He doesn't make boots or anything with them.

He just kills them. Man, what a piece of shit? But you can't not, you can't eat Armadillo. They have like, what do they have? They have so many diseases. No, they have a lot of really bad diseases. You can eat anything. Yeah, you can eat anything, but you'll definitely die quick.

The next COVID's going to come from here. fucking grill in an armadillo. Yeah, definitely. Oh, God. Yeah, man. Florida is a fucking great place. Yeah, I love Florida. I do too, man. Like, I love it and I hate it. Like, I have a very, like, it's so weird for me, like, being on the road for so long. People are like, oh, you're from Florida.

I'm like, yeah, this is what we look like. You know what I mean? Like, but this is the only place that you can live and, like, be in your hometown. And people are like, where are you from? And you're like, here. And they're like, here. And it doesn't happen in Boston when you meet some dude. They're like, oh, from here.

And you're like, oh, from here. You're not from here. Yeah. Like, this is the only place that you ever feel weird, like, in your own town. Yeah. Are you really from here? Yep.

Like, how did that happen, you know? Why do you think that is? Because no one's from here, man. We're all transplants, dude. It means different with us, but, like, how many people do you know that aren't in our generation that are from here? Are your parents from here? No. From upstate New York.

Yeah. They're, uh, my dad's from Indiana. My mom's from Jersey. Her dad's from Indiana. Yeah. Oh, nice. Stink lines behind this. What part of Indiana?

Uh. Frankfurt, some weird fucking town? I don't know. You know where that's at? No. This is from Gary and Dugger. You know where Dugger is? No.

Man. You're missing out. The only Dugger thing I know is that weird Christian family with all the fucking kids. If they were a city, that's what it would be. Yeah, dude. India, like, scares this shit. The small towns in general scare this shit out of me, dude. I definitely like to be around, like, a population.

You know what I mean? Yeah. I get terrified, man. Like, I'm driving to Georgia to tattoo the last two weekends. And, like, just Georgia cops scare the shit out of me, dude. Like, yeah. I got stopped by a Georgia cop coming back, uh, from visiting my dad. My dad was on hospice, uh, for like two years, a year and a half, uh, in, South Georgia.

And, like, we weren't cool at all. That's a whole other. You and your dad were never cool? Fuck no, man. Where was he? Where was your dad during the whole abuse thing? Oh, he was home. You know what I mean?

My dad was one of those dudes that, like, uh, his marriage was so shit. that he worked two jobs to not be home. And then he can tell everybody that he's worked really hard for his family. Oh, God. He's a fucking asshole, man. He was such a shit bag. But, like, you don't realize shit till later, too. And you, like, you know, when you grow up and, like, you're like, oh, fuck,

that dude only had, like, a sixth grade education. You know what I mean? Like, that dude didn't have it either. Like, he was the best he could be. But at the time, you're like, fuck this guy. You know what I mean? Like, I want a real dad, you know? Like, he was a shit bag, man.

Like, he was a fucker too, man. Like, he, uh, he wasn't, my dad wasn't physically abusive. which was cool because I didn't have to go through that again but my dad was like severely like emotionally abusive and like he

that dude could cut you down like harder than anybody like it was so shitty he would like dude my dad was a diabetic and he would like sneak candy and shit right and my mom would like find candy rappers and like you'd be like

these are mine those are probably fat fucking Kyle's you know what I mean I didn't fucking eat those like don't fucking lie to your mom you know what I didn't eat them like they're not like I don't even even like Snickers or what the fuck he was eating. He'd be like, they're yours.

Just admit it you lying piece of shit. And it was like, it was like fucking psychological warfare, bro. Like he would like pull shit like that because like, like you would literally like, like he would do something blame it on you and then like fucking ground you for lying to him about it. Like it was so fuck, dude. Like he would pull shit like, uh, uh, I remember like the one time he asked me to like clean my room. He's like, yeah, you'd fucking clean your room before we get back. I'm like my room wasn't even that bad.

Like, I am pretty OCD about my house. people come over to my place and, like, they just see, like, a dude with, like, face tats and a beard and shit. And, like, they get to my house. Like, wow, like, you've got a nice place. This place is put together. Yeah. But, like, my dad was, like, uh, he told me to clean my room the one day.

And, like, I was, like, 16. I used to work at the fucking subway on Oakhurst behind the McDonald's. Yeah. I worked there. And I was like, I go to work. It was like, I came home from school. And, like, I had to be to work at three. You know what I mean?

And I, like, I was like, I'll do it later. I leave, go to work, and do, like, my fucking closing shift in subway. I come home, I open my bedroom door, dude, and he, like, trashed. Like, Motley crew trashed my fucking room. You know what I mean? He was, like, have fun cleaning that up. You know what I mean? It was always, like, you're too fucking fat.

You're too fucking stupid. You know what I mean? Like, dude, never good enough. And the fucked up part was like, I would never bring, like, girls over. You know what I mean? Because my dad would be like, yeah, you want to take pictures by my car? You know what I mean? Like, how do you 16?

Was it a D cup? Like, total piece of shit. So, like, that also fed into, like, the fucking. crazy confusion I had about, like, sex and fucking, like, you know, just physical relationships in my head. Not to mention, you're, like, coming to terms of the fact that, like, yo, my dad might fuck one of these girls in their sleep. You know what I mean?

Like, he was a piece of shit. My dad coached a softball team at Cross Bayou. Yeah. And, uh, they won a championship. And everybody was like, oh, man, Rick Ruse is the shit. You know what I mean? Like, this guy took these girls to the fuck. And then, like, that summer, like, after that, someone was like, yeah, that dude, like,

was real creepy and, like, touched my butt and, like, tried to grab by the tits. Oh, man. Yeah. Dang. Dude, you know how fucked up it is to, like, like,

my dad died, uh, like, it'll be five, six years, like next week. And like, my dad died and,

like, people would be like, oh, man, really sorry about your dad. You know, he grabbed my tits in like, oh,

I'm so sorry to hear that. Oh, so shitty, dude. Sorry about that. So, like, uh, it's so fucked up,

like, dealing with that, but like, I hated the dude. He was just a, he was everything I fucking hate. Like, used to fucking good old boy, fucking redneck, like, ignorant motherfucker.

And I hated that so much. But, like, looking back now, I'm like, well, at least I got, like, some of the dudes good qualities. Like, I can swing a hammer. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, my brother couldn't build his way out of a fucking kitty pool. You know what I mean?

Nothing against him. God bless him. But, like, it took, like, him fucking dying to, like, realize, like, it was so, like, my uncle was like, you need to go spend time with him. I'm not going to fucking see him. You can die alone. Like, fuck him. You know what I mean?

My uncle was like, my uncle was literally like, you're going to go up there. you're going to see him and you're going to patch this shit up or you're going to end up just fucking like him. And I was like, good point. I'll go. You know what I mean? And it was a shitty thing because, like, I don't think we'd talk for like three or four years before that.

You know what I mean? And it's like a six-hour drive up to where he was at. He lived in Plains, Georgia. I don't know if you know about planes. A little snapple fact for you. Plains is where Jimmy Carter's from. Wow. That's where Jimmy Carter.

Is that where the peanut farm is? Fuck, yeah, it is, bro. My dad used to work for the peanut store for Bobby Salter. Yeah. I've met Jimmy and Rosalind Carter, dude. Like, Rosalind's head just doesn't stop shaking, bro. Like, I don't even know how that old cunt's alive, bro. Like, she is just a fuck it.

Like, I don't know who runs that puppet, but like, she's still alive. But it's a town with one blinking light that turns red twice on Saturday, once on Sunday for a train. They've completely preserved it to where it exactly was the way that Jimmy Carter, like, was. when he ran for president and shit. They let a dollar general in there. That was like the only, they don't let anything come in. Like,

I don't know why the fuck he wanted to move there. But he moved up there and like, it would go up. I think he loved it because he could lie to all those people and they believed all of his bullshit. My dad was like tall, like, you know what I mean?

Like my dad caught a fish that was eight inches long. Over the years, it was like, you know, no, it was like a nine inch. You know what I mean? Like two years later.

It was like just 12 inch like one of those fucking people. Right. Yeah. But, uh, I was going up there to visit him and shit, dude, it was a really fucking super emotional. I'm going to say something really racist,

but it wasn't me that said it, just to really set the tone of who my dad was. This is awful, but I'll tell you. So I'm, like, fucking ate up, like driving up there, like holding back tears the whole time, like, chain smoking cigarettes. My uncle's truck, like, fuck, I had to see this dude. He's dying.

You know what I mean? My dad never wore clothes at our house. My dad would literally come home and, like, drop his clothes and walk around our house in his underwear, like straight whitey tides. Yeah. And you go, Bundy, style. Dude, yeah, you'd be like put on some pants.

You'd be like, pay part of my bills and I'll put on some fucking pants, faggit. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah, what a great dad? And I'm like, emotionally torn up. Like, what am I going to say to him? Like, when I first, when he first called me to tell me that he was dying, I was like, yeah, bullshit, Rick, and hung up on him. Because I was so used to him lying all the time, you know what I mean? That I literally hung up on him.

I was like, nah, he was full of shit. Fuck you. My uncle called me back like a day later and was like, yeah, don't feel bad. I hung up on him too. And like, but I actually called the hospital he was at. And he's like, no, that's for real. Like, he's, he's done. And what kind of cancer did he have?

He didn't have cancer, man. He, uh, he had a bad heart. Okay. And he got a pacemaker put in like a year before that. Ooh. And total irony of what a piece of shit he was. He got a pacemaker and they're like, everything's going to be all right. He got a defective one.

Oh, man. But they couldn't do the surgery to replace it. You know what I mean? Because his heart was too weak for the surgery. They wouldn't do it. And it's like, sorry, buddy, you're going on hospice. You know what I mean? And it's their fault.

Yeah, and he was like, my dad was a con man too, so it was almost like a con man. Fuck, yeah, dude. My mom's wedding ring was stolen, bro. My dad worked on RVs, dude, like literally like mobile homes around here. Yeah. We're in Florida. He would work on RVs, dude, and just like heist fucking old lady's jewelry while he was in there working and shit. And they'd be like, you stole my shit.

He'd be like, you got Alzheimer's, you old bitch, you're accused me, like exactly like you would do to me and flip it on everybody else. Wow. It's fucking crazy, like how he was. So all this shit happens. I'm driving up. with my uncle, right? Like, just emotional wreck of, like, what am I going to say this year? I haven't seen him in three years.

We pull up, my dad's sitting on the porch of his fucking house in Georgia, wearing his underwear, sitting next to an oxygen tank, chain smoking cigarettes. And there was, like, a tornado that went through there, like, a few days before that and, like, fuck some shit up. And he's got these, like, these, like, couple of white kids, like, high school kids that are, like, out, like, cutting the trees and shit, like, that it fell.

And I walk up, like, holding back tears, like, you know what I mean? Like, and he just, like, he's laughing literally like belly laughing my dad had a very distinct like redneck high pitch

like real like fucking super hicky laugh and he's dying laughing I'm like what the fuck is so funny he's like I got these three white boys working out here for a hundred bucks I'm like what's so funny about that he's like I had three black dudes out here

that did it for 25 last week he's like who said the South died I'm like you piece of shit like I fucking hate you like you were the worst getting back in the car when that happened Like, I was just like, you mother.

Like, I wanted to punch him. But, like, 12 years later, like, that was pretty funny. That was a good joke. That's like, it's such an awful thing to say, but, like, he was just an old, ignorant piece of shit. And I'm like, literally, like, he says that. And I literally look at my uncle. You know me six hours for this? We're going to make a change.

We're going to get closure. You're going to change somebody who's hooked up to an oxygen. You're going to, smoking a cigarette. You're going to, oh, my gosh. Nothing is changing. Two other funny, awesome dad stories. The fucking, uh, one, the

the person that handles the oxygen tank that would like switch him out came and they're like sir you can't smoke by this. You know what I mean? He's like what's gonna happen? I'm gonna blow it up and fucking die he's like I'm on hospice you dumb bitch

and he's like there's other people around he's like fuck him tell him to get away from me he's like I'm smoking get back 12 feet you know what I mean so my dad was on hospice and he had the hottest hospice nurse like yeah oh my god dude Is she Jamaican?

No, bro. Georgia peach, redhead, green eyes, like, out of a fucking rom-com. You know what I mean? She was, I don't even know her name. My dad used to call her peach, because that's how he was. She was fucking hot, dude. Like, one of the most naturally beautiful women I've ever seen in my entire. She was a really fucking pretty chick.

She was awesome. She would come over. My dad would be a creep. You know what I mean? Yeah. And, like, I would, she came on Tuesdays and Fridays to, to, like, do his meds and shit. and Friday was bath day. They're like, you know what I mean?

Dude love bath day. He was a piece of shit. Yeah. Yeah, he would like brag about it like an hour before she got there. You know what I mean? Like, he would be like, man, if I can still get it up, man. Like, thank God you can't. Somebody just dropped $5 for you to,

can you rate your dad on a scale of 1 to 10? Rate him how? Like, I mean, there's. Yeah, how would you rate? I mean, he obviously pretty much already on what a piece of shit he was in 11. how racist he was Like 29 How good of a father was he

What kind of scales do you want? I mean, we're just throwing out scales here Yeah, I mean, just like what kind of scales come to mind And then just like do a rapid fire rating How good of a dad he was? Yeah, how good of a father was he? One to ten, one being the lowest ten being the highest. I'll give him a four.

I mean, like looking back, yeah If you would have asked me this like senior year of high school, you know what I don't want to fucking rat poison in his fucking food You know what I mean? But like looking back, like dude taught me some valuable shit. Like, dude taught me, like, as much as he was, like, an awful person, like, dude harded me up, you know what I mean? Like, yeah.

Like, yeah, he was definitely, like, the, like, pull you on a corner, like, don't fucking cry, you piece of shit. Don't ever let you a soft kid, right? Don't ever let anyone see any emotion. You know what I mean? Suppressed, suppress, you know what I mean? Like, do you think you have the effect of that kid whose mom you tattooed where you kind of wanted to be the opposite of him? Fuck, yeah, dude.

So that helps. So that helps. Yeah, but, like, my mom is a saint. My mom is a goddamn angel, dude. She is the greatest. My mom's worked with, like, autistic. special needs kids for 20 years. Like my mom is a goddamn angel. Yeah, that takes a special person. And yeah, if it wasn't for my mom, like, I probably

would have ended up, like, just like a jaded piece of shit. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I would be like every dude in Peepard with a lifted truck, like fucking Applebee's waitresses right now. You know what I'd be in the watering trough every Friday with a Blue Lives Matter sticker. Oh, man. Voting for strong?

The whiskey? Buddy, I love the whiskey. Oh, me too. Yeah. Oh, my God. Hey, the whiskey is this shit. Those are real women. I can't wait for that to open back up. Dude, the whiskey's the first strip club my wife's ever been to, dude.

My wife's from a town of like 5,000. She's not conservative in a political sense. She's just like, you know, she's kind of small town. She's never been to a strip club. I was doing stand-up there. And the whiskey? Yeah, yeah. How did I fucking miss that?

It was mean. But like, yeah, we're there. And she's like, I don't want to go. This is going to be fun. I love that fucking place. We go in and she's like, I thought they'd be hotter. I'm like, yeah, that's... Hell no.

Yeah, like, I was like, strippers aren't hot ever. They're just good enough. Yeah. And we're sitting there hanging out. She has, like, two drinks. I go to the office to, like, talk to my buddy about, like, the money for the show. And I come out, and she's literally just making it rain. She's like, this is so much fun.

She's like... Your wife? Yeah, she's like, her government name is Angela. She just goes by Stardust. She's, like, talking to them. She's like, she has little pit bull. Like, talking to them all, like... Best.

friends. She does hair, dude. She's like, we should do something to out your roots, like handing out cards and shit. Oh, my God. So funny, dude. I love that place, man. She's like, they're like real people. They are real people. If I said that, like, you fucking sexist piece of shit bag.

That's a good fucking bar. Dude, it's, uh, it's fun. Dude, it's still. Is that off at 66th or 49th? No, that's Park. That's Park Boulevard. Park Boulevard. Remember? Oh, the one by the Dunkin' Donuts. Right next door to the Dunkin' Donuts.

It used to be treasure. chest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The pirate bar. It's changed names a lot. Yeah, a lot. Before that, it was a curry restaurant. Oh, yeah.

And it still smells like curry in there. It still, yeah. It's still fucking in there, man. You eat curry and shit in somewhere once, bro? Like, it's there forever. Do they still have the buffet? God, I wish. Actually, we went there one night.

This Porn Star was there. They had all you can eat pizza there one night from like dominoes and shit. Oh, my God. We got really hammered. We ate the pizza regardless. Atlantis on 66th. I used to work at that subway right there in front of Rudy's.

And we used to cater their lunch buffet over there. It was so funny, like, going over there. Like, you know what I mean? With a bunch of, like, like, fucking half-same, like, all the, like, the sandwich platters and shit. And, like, it was, like, day squad, you know what I mean? So it was people that look like the lady that got the monster truck tattoo working in there? Oh, my God. Hey, sweetie,

thank you. Walking in there and you're like, man, their pussies look exactly like these ham sandwiches. Oh, no. Just like an Italian. Oh, my God. Yeah. It was, I was always the I'll make the delivery I'll go over there

I'll go over there chill for a little bit place just smells like Victoria Love Spell like Victoria's Secret Love Spell in like 1998 mids

as soon as you walk in there I was in the parking lot of Atlanta's one night and some dude just walks out and he goes Hell yeah and just bah

pop pop and like fires like what the fuck yeah that's Pinellas Park baby you're in fucking Pinellas Park now

and the dude tried to justify he's like I shot it in an angle so it won't come down on us thanks Gene Yeah.

You're so fucking smart. There's a part of complex right behind us. Let a couple more off, bud. Oh, my God. Dude, I tell people stories like that, like, and they're like, damn, that's crazy. I'm like, and like, it doesn't even phase me because, like, I don't think people, like, people joke about, like, what Florida's like, but they don't really know. No, man. It really is as crazy as all the memes that they are.

Oh, yeah. I've been to a lot of cities and a lot of places on the road, dude, and, like, all the craziest shit have ever seen happening. has all been here. Really? Like, and I've seen some pretty gnarly shit. Dude, all the fucking, what's the craziest?

There's no, there's no clan meetings in Pinellas, are there? Yeah, but I mean, I'm sure they're here somewhere, man. You don't know what I mean?

St. Cloud. Yeah. Yeah, it's fun fact. Dude, I don't know, like, I've seen a lot of, like,

it's not like, it's different crazy. Yeah. It's not like, the blatant crazy because I think a lot of people just move here. Like, you guys,

remember growing up in school, man, and like, you'd be sitting in class and like, like twice a year, just like some pale, like white skin. You can see their fucking veins Midwestern kid. They would just be like, oh, this is Trent, the new kid, you know what I mean? And you knew damn well that dad's job, that kid's dad probably took a job at Raytheon,

did his move here from Wisconsin or whatever fucking cold fat cheese curd state they fucking came from. You know what I mean? Like this kid comes in wearing the clothes we wore four years ago. Well, you were in Vulcan, your piece of shit. You get D.C. grow up, asshole. And like, these kids would just fucking. can come in. Like, you don't I mean? Like, that's how it was. I remember, like, sixth grade, dude,

like this kid just came in, dude, dude, he had a fucking bowl cut. You know what I mean? That's just like him. That's how that was me. Yeah, they're like, this is a new kid who just came from Pennsylvania. And we're like, yo, put on some sunscreen. That kid's going to burn so fast. Yeah. Where's his mom

Steeler's tattoo? I love, uh, my favorite is like early mid-20s, even now, like every once in a while. Like, you'll be out, like, downtown hanging out, you know what I mean? Like, somebody will come into the bar and, like, you'll like, I just moved here, you know what I just took a job? You know what I figured to come to Florida.

Like three months down here. Three months later, their parents are picking them up in a U-Haul because they have a fucking oxy habit. Yeah, they're working at the strip club and it's sort of Nazis and shit. I've literally seen that happen. I tattooed a girl when I worked in P. Park. This girl came in, like, like, well put together. Just like, just a normal looking, like, Midwestern chick, dude.

Like, that chick now has a blacked out arm. a face tat and like a scar on her face, dude. She works at the strip club. Shaved her head, dude. That chick lost 100 pounds and does more cocaine than anybody you never met, dude. And like, it's like, that girl's parents have literally had to drive down here from whatever fucking state

she came from to like bail her at a rehab like twice, dude. This chick, like you can always tell like they come down here and they're like they have like a decent car. Like, you know, they're like the civic, their parents got them for like their graduation present. Yeah. And then like the dents just start happening from like fucking banging into shit on Palm Ave. Like people like

people like, oh, Florida's got to be great. Like, you've got to have, like, a certain grit to be a Floridian because you'll just get, like, it's a fucking tourist state. You don't know what I mean? Like, I don't have noticed this. If you go to, like, Connecticut, they don't pour drinks like they pour them here. No. Like, they're shitty. I went to England, dude, and they jiggered out my fucking drink.

And I was like, what the fuck is that? Like, we only do one ounce. I'm like, fuck this whole country in the ass. I lived in Connecticut for a couple years. We went and I first living there. I went to the liquor store on Sunday, and they're fucking closed. They don't even sell beer. liquor nothing on Sundays up there.

It's like New Hampshire, dude, it's government liquor stores. Yeah, it's crazy. You gotta go to the government. Oh, dude, yeah, the government. You gotta go to like the, it's like a beer store. You don't even know what that is. You can't buy it at the gas station. Yeah, you can only get, it's a beer store.

Beer, liquor, lotto, you can get cigarettes at gas stations, but beer, liquor, loto, the state controls it all. They're literally like state-run liquor stores. You know what I mean? It's like state of New Hampshire. So you can't buy gas for your car and beer at the same place? No. No, you cannot.

I don't want to live there. No. But. But it's like you go to the cage. Oh, yeah. And they got all the beer. Like, how much do you pay for this? Probably like $17, 18 bucks?

I'd think so. Maybe $20. Yeah. In New Hampshire, that's like $13, 14 bucks. Oh. Yeah. Because there's no tax on any of that shit. They cut all the duty off of it.

They take the sales from it from these liquor stores. They just call them beer distributors. Oh, I got you. It's cheap as fuck, too. Like, every time I drive up to Maine, we always stop in New Hampshire and, like, stock up on booze and shit. Yeah. leaving out. Like, I'll spend like a hundred bucks and I have like a crate of booze.

What are you doing? Like, just going to, Go on Maine for the week, guys. Hell yeah. It's a casual weekend. So how many buttholes have you tattooed? Two.

Two, actually. Same day. Same day. How did that end up happening? Two random people the same day? Oh, God. Or they know each other. It started out as random people.

Okay. This is a fucking favorite one. Yeah, yeah. So, uh, I did a bunch of shit. And like, um, I'm on the Johnny B show a lot on 1, one of two five oh yeah yeah yeah

really good friends at night one oh two five yeah uh johnny's my dude uh Spanish from Calta is a homie of mine

yeah and uh what's her name uh shit the chick on Calta Carmen Carmen Carmen Carmen has a

butthole tattoo oh yeah something happened where some like bet bullshit happened and like some dude that's like a fan of the show

like they were like if you can get like somebody to get their butthole tattooed on air like we'll forgive you for whatever bullshit uh they did

so Spanish hit me up and was like yo do you one of these butthole tats I was like hell yeah Duh. Obviously.

I mean, clearly. It was literally the morning before I evacuated for Irma when this happened, right? So I was like, yeah, I'll do it. So, like, you got to be here about, like, eight and set up and shit. So I get there, like, 7.30 and, like, settle my stuff up. These girls are late because they're waiting at 7-Eleven around the corner for 8 o'clock to where you can start buying booze. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

These girls literally buy, like, canned, like, shitty box wine at 8 o'clock and, like, just hammer them down. So, you have to if you're getting a butthole tattoo. Yeah, you got to loosen up a little bit. You got loosened the hole. If I didn't bring razors, these wouldn't have went down that day. You had to shave the ass before. Yeah, bro.

Here we go. Dude, like a little sea urchin, dude. It was so bad. Did they shower before they showed up? Or was there like some dingleberries you had to navigate through? There's an old tattooer trick, dude, when you think people are going to smell, dude. Like, if you go in my station right now, there's some Vicks vapor up in my station, if you think people are going to smell under the nose.

Just a little dot, dude. Isn't that what they do when they encounter dead bodies? Yes. Same thing. Usually they really do that when they encounter dead. Yeah. That's like an actual. Morticians do that?

That's like a CSI thing. Yeah. I just do it because people in fucking Pinellas Park smell, but. And I'm like, I got to tattoo this girl's fucking asshole. This is a lot for Pinellas Park. Yeah. It's like whether you're tattooing a butthole,

encountering dead bodies, or just taking a casual drive. A little Vix Vapo underneath the nose. Yo, Kyle, do me a favor real quick. I know I'm being super annoying, but scoot to your right just a little bit. Oh, wait. That's right.

Yeah, because this is the camera filming you. All right. Just, yeah, Mick Loved. Hi. Nick Love me. Hey. Hey, Gaye. Hey.

See, I'm at the radio station I set up and wait for these drunk girls to get there. They get there and, uh, like, uh, they're hammered and they're wearing, like, masks and shit to, like, you know, hide who they are. Yeah. What kind of mask? Uh, I think the one girl was wearing, like, an Iron Man mask. Hell yeah. One girl was wearing, like, an Iron Man mask and I don't even remember the other ones

wearing, right? And they weren't, like, ugly. You know what I mean? Like, they weren't, like, gross or anything. You don't what I mean? Yeah. And, uh, just want some. butthole tattoo. There's no big deal. And they're all like, you know, straight.

So I haven't seen these girls' faces yet, right? And they literally just come in like, hey, like, you know, just smelling like my aunt on fucking New Year's when I couldn't whine. And literally just like hop up, like face down, ass up. You know what I mean? Like just arched back, put it up. Damn. It's a little heart right next to their asshole. I like do the tattoos, whatever. And then after everything's done, like, I'm in the hallway, uh, explaining to them like how to take care of it. Sound like very... How old were these chicks If you were to estimate?

20s, 30s. Mid-20s? Mid-20s. Mid-20s? You know what I mean? Healthy butt holes. One, like, all right, and used car terms.

How do you rate these buttholes on a scale of 1 to 10? One was like... One being the lowest, 10 being the highest. I can't do it one to 10. The car analogy is better. Like, in used car terms.

Okay. One of them was like a certified, used. You know what I mean? Did you ask? Did you ask, show me the car facts? No veins. You can't even, like,

just look at it. You know what I mean? It's like, uh, butt holes are like a, when you cut a tree trunk open. There's literally a ring for every time that like, you know what I mean?

Something's been in there. You fucking hemorrhoid. Wedged it out on a Friday, right? Uh, one of them was like certified used, you know what I mean? Probably like 20,

30,000 miles, clean interior. You know what I mean? Yeah. The other one. And like, this was like a buy here, pay here off $1960 a week.

Bad credit, good credit, no credit. It had been smoked in. If you got a pulse, you got a cop. Put it this way. One of them,

Uber would accept as a vehicle. The other one, they'd be like, you need a newer fucking car. Yeah, but we're gonna finance you your own car. Yeah, one of them could be Uber.

The other one was like cash Ubering on like fucking Facebook. But yeah, I do these tattoos. I'm in the hallway, like talking to them. Like, they have their masks off now

and I was giving them like, like, I'm still being super professional. Like, I was being very like, uh, I was like, you need to like keep you super clean. Like every time you go to the bathroom.

If you number to it, you don't mean? Like, preferably like, shower right afterwards. And then I was like, I want you to make sure that you're keeping like a thin layer of

ointment over it just to keep any bacteria from settling into that, yada, yada, yada. While this is going on, my now wife, his girlfriend at the time, who was there, comes walking up. And one of the two girls just shoots her

just this look. You know what I mean? Like, I'm pretty keen, dude. Like, I pick up on shit like that like that. And I was like, that wasn't like, a look that you give somebody you don't know. I'm like, they fucking know each other somehow. Oh, no. Like, you know what I mean?

I'm like, maybe they, because that chick was some braiding's in and like my wife now used to live down that way. Yeah. And I was like, man, I wonder if they maybe like dated the same dude or like what's going on? You know what the fuck was that about? So the two girls leave, my wife just starts dying laugh. I'm like, what's so fucking funny?

She's like, I taught that bitch in hair school. She's like, I haven't seen her in two years because the last time I saw her, she quit was crying because she was like, I had the job out of school because I didn't need to get my life together. And then the next time I see her, your tattooing her asshole on the radio. She's like, what a dumb bitch. She's like, oh, it's so great. Oh, damn.

She really got it together. Yeah, and then the weirdest thing, we just wanted a trip to diner and just had breakfast like nothing happened. Oh, yeah, trips is good. Yeah. We're just sitting in trips and we're going to get the breakfast Cuban? Yeah, yeah. It's a hard thing. No big deal.

Just tattooed two buttholes. Not even thinking of the fact that I just tattooed the most ham sandwich-looking pussy like ever, dude. Oh, God. Dude, like if Guy Fiatie. Eddie had a vagina. That's what this chick's So what did you tattooed a heart and what? Dude, it's just a heart and extra butthole. Both of them?

It was passing around. Oh, my. Oh, you still got it? Yeah. Damn, look at that phone. That thing is tiny. What's that the iPhone 1? It's a 5, bro. Don't be a dick. Oh, my God. That's the pinnacle of iPhone design right there.

I don't like new things. I wish they were still small like that. That's like Luke's old iPod. Dude, I would still have a brick Nokia with snake. If I could have it, dude. Like, I fucking hate phones. He just bought one of those, didn't you? Yeah, you can still get them. Bam, passing around for the class.

Oh, my God. Yeah, that's a... Okay. I took a picture of the better of the two. But it's not like on the balloon knot. It's right outside of the ballon. Yeah, it's right there, you know. It's right outside the chili ring.

It's right there. That's the closest you can possibly get. Oh, yeah. That's on the, that's right on the tail end right there. How much does that got to hurt? Jimmy Hart has that tattoo. He does. I don't even know.

I had a hammeroid once, bro, and that was awful. Like, I can't even imagine. Like, how did they sit through it? They did it all right? One of them took it like a champ and didn't even move. The other one was like, fuck you, somebody just asked how much

they have to donate for Danny to get a butthole tattoo. Oh, fuck. That's not really up to me. They love fucking up with Danny, butthew. That's up to Danny. Somebody said, do you want to see the

butthole tattoo? Very nice. Pass it over. Oh, someone's calling you. Oh, who's that? We can't take it live. Josh Ackerman? Oh, I can't ask this one right now.

We could take it live. I don't want to talk to Josh. I'll call him later You can get in the live chat If you want to talk to you What's the most fucked up thing Anyone's ever asked you to tattoo on them Oh god

Was it the butthole? No, that was not as weird That was just location That was just location That was just a heart You know what I mean Did Carmen get one? Yeah, I'm not the one who did it though

You didn't do it? No, I didn't do hers What did she get? I think she has a heart too She does? I'm not sure, I haven't seen her butthole Uh Oh my God

This phone just dead She's kind of hot You guys zoomed in on it You pieces of shit I didn't. Lute did. Someone who's like, I got that's really good in there.

I got bad eyes. Oh my God. Yeah, I don't... The most fucked up thing I read it. I've turned down to people from like, like racist shit. You know what kind of racist shit? Like SS bolts and shit like that.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Funny story, I did a... Didn't you do a swastika though, or no? All right. That's an exaggerated story. Okay. Comedy.

Yeah. Yeah, that was just, that wasn't necessarily a swastika. But I did do something not realizing. I did a... I did a toten cough on somebody, not knowing what it was. The fucking skulls the...

The SS, like, fucking skull and crossbones. Oh, man. I didn't know what it was. I was like, tight, skull and crossbones. Like, I had no idea that I did a Nazi tattle on somebody. But, yeah, that's where that joke came from was that. But, like, I bet people asked me to do, like, like, uh, like SS bolts and shit like that.

Uh, I did a blood's tat and a crips tat in the same day. Really? Yeah, I don't... Yeah, I don't... Did they come in the other? How well? No, the funny thing is, like, it would have been hilarious if they would have been in there at the same time. Uh, this is like,

super like like like like super like like hood ass like like Puerto Rican kid came in and I did like like I think it's a three point crown for Cripps I forget

but like with all the blue behind it and shit on his hand dude was totally talking about like Crips shit the whole time he had Crip tattooed on his knuckles did that and was like oh it's hilarious that isn't a Crip tat literally an hour later I got to walk in from the kid that was like yo I won't boogie down blood

tattooed out my arm I was like, buddy, you should have been here an hour ago. I got a guy for you. You guys could have fought in the lobby. I don't know, man. Not personally, the most fucked up thing I've ever seen somebody walk in and be like, I want this. My buddy Mark Richards did it. And I was like very effeminate black dude used to come into the mall, right?

And the dude was a male prostitute, right? Like, he was like a cross-dressing, like, trick-turning. And it was so funny because this dude would come in and, like, basketball shorts and a wife-beater, looking like the most, like, normal, like, St. Pete Black dude ever, but he would still have glitter in his fucking fake eyelashes on him shit. Dude came into the shop, looks right out of us, and he goes, I want to dick with wings tattooed on my foot coming dollar signs. My buddy's like, yo, I got you.

I got you. Say you. Say no more. Say, I am not letting you leave. And he literally did, like, a dick in balls, like with wings, come in dollar signs, and he's like,

yo, can I ask you why you're getting these? I suck the best dick in St. Pete. And, like, pulls out, like, a wad of money. He's like, that's how fucking good I am. And, like, Mark was like, oh, it's really cool. He's, like, and then the dude was, like, chast-eyes. And he's, like, your wife's probably trash.

She can't suck dick as good as I do. And I'm dying the whole time watching this happen. Is this it? This is at Tyrone Mall? Fuck, yeah, bro. That place was, yeah. Dude, the first two years of that mall shop, dude, like we treated that place like just like a regular tattoo shop.

Yeah. It wasn't like a mall tattoo shop. No, dude. It was just some like dudes in there like working like right across the hall from the gap. No, it was across from like the van store. No. The van store. We were like Paxon over there.

We were next door to Brookstone. Across from GNC. And I think Lens Crafters was next to us. We started there. Yeah. We got so much shit like when we were there like fucking smoking weed in the fucking parking lot. Like one of the dudes almost. spot of security guard, like second week we were there.

There was, this is awful. Like the first year that we were there, like, we were all like, like at our mid-20s. Every dude that worked there was like single. We were all pieces of shit. And like, there's a bunch of like chicks that work in the mall. And then we were really like, yo, who can get closest to 18? That was like the fucking like summer thing. You go pick up the chick closest.

Yeah. And a dude who will remain nameless fucked the pretzel chick at midnight on her 18th birthday. Oh. It worked out because like, dude, the pretzels just starts flowing in. Dude is like, yo, this chick turns 18 on August 29th. You know what I mean? Yes. And so it was like August 28th at midnight, dude.

He's like, through it. Like, yeah. I mean, like, looking back now, you're like, you know, this is a really awful thing. Maybe I am like my father. But like, they're like, man, it's fucking legendary, dude. Like, dude had that shit. Dude was waiting on this chick's 18th birthday. That's respectable.

Yeah. I mean, yeah, I mean, I guess that's... You really could have been scumbag and went for it, you know? Yeah. And she should have probably gave it up anyway. He camped out on midnight like fucking old white women do on Black Friday. You what I mean? Like, I just imagine the dude just like sitting outside in a tent, like 1150.

Yeah, he's waiting for it. Waiting for the stampede. My man. Yeah, dude. Like, nobody's proud of shit they used to do. Like, no. No. I am not proud of a single thing I did between the age of 19 and 24.

I am really proud. of that video that you ran through the rap video, that's still one of the greatest things. Aside from that, I mean, that's all the time. Legendary, dude. Yes. You should have seen, I turned that into a Zima commercial. Yeah.

I completely re-edited it into a Zima commercial. I still have it somewhere. If only Zima still existed, I might. We should post that up. A better job. I was living with Gary when that happened. Everybody knows exactly where they were when they saw that video. Did you do Gary's text?

That was like my own 9-11. I was really much 9-11 for St. Pete. Right where you're at. Yeah. Me and my buddy Mark did Gary's chest, that big goat. Yeah, that was his first tattoo. Yeah, yeah.

He worked at beach pizza with me. I remember back then his shit, man. Yeah, that was his first tattoo, dude. Yeah. What is the tattoo? It's a huge goat. Dude, it's from like, oh. Like a decapitated goat head?

Actually, the funny thing about decapitated goat heads in me and Gary's relationship is I got him one for Christmas a few years ago. Oh, really? Yeah, dude. Yeah, dude. Yeah, dude, Ariel. And he's like, bro, you want to come over for a goat roast? I was like, fuck, yeah.

I've never read goat before. I want to go parties with a Filipino. And he's like, get here at like 11. I'm like, in the morning? He's like, yeah, yeah, come over. We're going to hang out all day. I get there and there's just a live goat. I'm like, ah, shit.

Hang on. I got to call somebody. Gary, get over here now. No, Gary didn't even go. Oh. So yeah, we're just like hanging out. Killed a goat in the backyard. That was real.

Wow, how'd they kill it? I'd rather not say. It was brutal. It was bad. But yeah, if I could kill this thing and like gut it and all that shit. And I felt real shitty about it. about it until about six o'clock and I had my first plate and I was like that thing. And that's just delicious.

Delicious. Like, fuck that little thing. But yeah, so it's bad luck to have the goat head, right? And like, they just hacked it off. And I'm like, yo, let me put that a bag. I got a guy that'll love it. And I go home drunk at his throat in the freezer. Gary comes on like, bro, I got you a present.

No. And he's fucking decapitated goat head with the horns and everything. He's like, oh my God, this is awesome. Gary's like, oh my God, thank you so much. He's like, I always wanted this. Yeah. It was like the most metal dude ever. It's still buried in his backyard.

Like you put it in like a five-gallon bucket and like drilled holes in it to like bury it. So like shit would like eat off all the meat for the skull. We still haven't dug it up yet. We were supposed to do that like three winter solstice to go. We should dig that thing up. You gotta put it in an ant pile though, I thought, no? No, it's, uh, it's in there, dude. I mean, it's Florida.

There's ants everywhere. Yeah. It's been like years. Like that thing's probably clean now. But yeah, like he, uh, metal gear, he's like, do we got to do it on winter solstice. I'm gonna have a fire. We're gonna listen to black metal. I'm like, dude, I'll beat it.

Only mayhem. Yeah, bro, like, yeah, bro, like, yeah, let's do it, dude. And something always happens, and it's still buried in his backyard. We still haven't fucking dug that thing up yet. Oh, my God. Yeah, it was the best Christmas present I ever gave anybody.

It was fucking rad. So how old were you when you actually started writing shit? Like stand-up, like writing? Well, I mean, how did it work? How did that, how did that happen? Did you start writing stand-up? Did you one day decide, I want to write jokes? I want to write comedy?

Or what did you start writing? Do you start writing about your feeling, like about... No, dude, like, when I first started to stand-up, dude, it was like dick and fart jokes, dude. Super clean, too. It was not like, it was all like hokey, one-liner shit. You know what I mean? Yeah.

For like the first couple years, it's all it was, dude. I started on 17, and I had like one joke there. I don't even remember what it was. Like, and I was like, I don't want to do this because I had no idea, like, what stand-up was. I thought people just went up and were just funny. Like, I didn't realize, like, the mechanics of it are, like, writing and, like, you know, not like it is now.

Like, I write maliciously, dude. Like, I have, like, just notes, like, plastered to a wall, like a serial killer. You know what I mean? for like shit that I'm working on. And I was like, yeah, I'm going to go do this. And I was like, calling the club and the beach. I was like, I want to come to your open mic. And they're like, you're not even 18.

You're not even allowed in. Come on, I really want to do it. Called and bagged and bagged. They finally let me go. The first joke I did on stage, like, actually got a laugh. And then I just ate a bag of dicks for the next like four minutes. And the club owner was like, okay, cool, you really want to do this. And he started let me go back.

So I was like going back and like met other comics and started like doing more and more shit and like trying harder. And it just fucking like instantly the first time I did it. I was like, I love this. Like this is great. Yeah. So were you scared? Uh, I was nervous as fuck the first time that I went up.

Yeah. Did you get drunk or anything before the first time? Uh, I was 17 so I couldn't drink then, but I think I smoked like a bunch of weed. Hell yeah. And like, I went up and then like did it. And then like I did comedy from like 17 to like 21. But when I was, when I stopped when I was 21, I was in Jersey then. Because I started here, moved to Jersey.

And then, kind of. I'm not seen in Jersey is great. There's a really cool club up there called the Stress Factory that would like, it's great by Rutgers. Their open mic was like actually packed. Like you could actually get in front of like a crowd. Most open mic so you're just yelling at like four drunk guys in a bar than I'm listening to like it was an actual like mic that you could go and actually like there was a crowd that

listen to it. Yeah. I was doing it and like when I stopped, I was doing like some like local college shows and like starting to like make a little money at it. You know what I mean? Like I was still doing like kind of like cleaner hokey shit. You know what I mean?

Because I didn't really like found myself. I still didn't even know who I was right at the time. You know what I mean? Like, I was like, you know, like just this fucking kid. You know what I mean? Like, I was going to school for paralegal studies at the time. Really? I have fucking what I have three quarters of a paralegal degree.

Wow. Somewhere. But yeah, I was doing that shit and like, uh, started tattooing and then just quit comedy. I was like, yeah, fuck this. Like I had to be at the shop all the times that like I had to do stand-up. And like, I wasn't like whatever at it then. I was like, okay. Yeah.

But like, why'd you quit? You just weren't making enough money or what? No, it wasn't even. a money thing, dude. Like, I made money sometimes, man, but, like, comedy was always just more, like, a thing that I love doing. But, like, when I started tattooing, dude, like, tattooing, like, you have to be there. When you're an apprentice, like, you have to be there.

Yeah. So the shop I worked out, my hours were two to two. You know what I mean? And it was all weekend days, so I couldn't do stand-up anymore. So I just, I didn't really, like, consciously quit doing stand-up, but it's kind of just, like, stop going. And the next five years, like, tattooing was all I did. And I was at the shop, like, doing that. And then, uh, met my kid's mom at a funeral.

That's the most poetic fucking, that's the... What? No, yeah, yeah, we got to hear that story. No, there is no story. I didn't, like, spit gaming her to funeral. That's just where we met, and that's, makes sense for the next fucking 13 years of my life. Dealing crazy, bitch.

But, like, yeah, I had my kid, like, shit was going crazy. Like, my kid was just about to be born when I first told her about what happened when I was a kid. So, uh, that happened. We split up. She put me through the worst shit. I've ever been through. I know, like, we all have, like, a crazy X story.

Motherfucker, I will top your stories. Hard. So I was, like, just going through some shit and, like, ran into this weird dude Dave that, like, I did open mic with when I was, like, 17. And he was working at CVS across the street. My house. He's like, is your name Kyle? Like, did you just do stand-up? I was like, yeah.

Hey, what's all? I thought you looked familiar. And he's like, he still don't stand-up? And he was like, oh, man, he's been doing stand-up this whole time. The dude's probably great now. Still dog shit. Oh, damn. I was like, I've been thinking about, like, going to, like, do some mics and shit again and, like, start doing it.

I was, like, kind of, like, writing again and stuff. And I'm like, I was like, 27, I think, like, maybe 26 at the time. Like, I had to take, like, a five, six year break from, like, doing stand-up. I was like, I want to go do it again. I miss it. And he was like, great, cool. So, uh, I went to, uh, Bowser's in Dunedin. They used to have an open mic.

It was, like, the first mic I'd done in, like, six years. And, like, shit just clicked. Like, the, like, hokey little dumb 17-year-old jokes were, like, out the, fucking window, like, now on this, like, jaded, like, late 20s dude that can actually drink at a bar, you know what I mean? Let me fucking tell you guys something about shit. Like, and, like, it just came out. You don't what I mean?

And, like, the change in my mental health, I have goosebumps. Like, the change in my mental health and that first month of getting back in a stand-up, like, I was, like, ready to blow my fucking brains out. Like, like, oh, yeah, there's been some pretty shitty times. I got a really funny suicide story, by the way. I was, like, I was, like, done. I was like, fuck this. I'm over this like all the shit with my kid's mom.

Like I'm going through all my shit. My dad has died. Like just everything, you know what I mean? Like it, people don't realize how- It's porn right now. Dude,

yeah. Like, dude, I look at people that jump off the skyway as fucking heroes, man. I'm like, I'm afraid to drive over that bridge, let alone fucking swan dive off of it. You know what I mean?

That's pretty balzy for sure. Dude, That's a big move. Yeah. And not only are you like fucking up your day. You're fucking up everybody else's day too. Oh, yeah,

shut that shit down for a couple hours. Dude, like, all right, Here's my thing with the Skyway, right? You want to do it cool. Let's not do it from 8 to 10 a.m. And 4 to 6 p.m.

Yeah, yeah. In rush hour. If you're jumping in rush hour, you deserve to be up there. That's why everyone helps you. It's always about you. You know what I would love to see? I would love to see somebody fucking jump off of that bridge and hit the pool in the Disney cruise. That would be, oh my.

Yeah, dude. You're going to know. You're going to fucking cash in your chips. Dude, fucking ruin the cruise. You know what I mean? Like, take everybody down with you. Go out like a fucking hero. You know what I want to see?

I want to see somebody take an Uber to the top of the Skyway. He's like, all right, fuck it. See it later, guys. Let's do it tonight, just to fuck with the Uber driver. You guys got cameras and shit. Oh, my, fuck, dude. I like the story of the guy. I'm not sure if it was true or not, but I've always heard the story of the guy that jumped out the skyway with his dog.

And he died in the dog lived. Dude, I'm not sure if that's a true story. I used to tattoo some Coast Guard dudes that worked out of Albert Witted. Yeah. And they, that's part of their job was like fishing the bodies out. Yeah. This dude told me some stories. He's like, he's like, you just, he's like, you don't think it's just people that just jump off that fucking bridge.

He's like, it's like women in like wedding dresses. Like, dude's dressed to the fucking nines. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like with like a note in like six fucking plastic bags. Like it's so weird people like that commit suicide. They have it like perfectly set up in their mind how they want to do it. Oh, buddy.

I know, dude. Like, yeah, it's not just a thing you just do. I mean, yeah, there are people that just. go yeah, fuck it and blow their brains out. You know what I mean? But like, it's a... What was your experience like? Buddy, I had like a really well-written note.

You know what I mean? Like, it was like, yeah, fuck it. I'm done. Like, fuck all of this. Like, it was never going to get better. Like, I'm never going to get into my own head. I'm never going to get through this shit with my kids' mom. Like, like, it's, it's a...

It is true. Like, you just hit that, like, point. Like, I see no light at the end of the tunnel for me. Like, I have no idea where my life's going. Can't get worse. I'm broke. I'm like, fuck this. And the other thing is, like, I was at the point I was like, maybe I'm doing everyone else a favor.

You know what I mean? Like, if I check out, like, you know what I mean? People cry for a week or two. You know what I mean? Like, they'll have a beer on my birthday, but no one's going to really fucking care because that's how deep I wasn't at that. I was like, no one is going to give a shit. You know what I mean? Like, and I was like, fucking I'm going to do it.

And like, I had this whole thing. I had the day planned and everything. You know what I mean? I was like, I'm going to do it this day? You know what I mean? And, uh... What day was it? Why that day instead?

It wasn't even like a, there was no correlation of the date or anything. It was just like, I'm going to do it this day. Yeah, yeah, you're ready for it. Yeah, and like the shitty part was like my friends didn't know that like, I like hung out everyone that week. I got us hitting out people I didn't see in years ago. We should hang out this week. You know what I mean?

And they had no idea. Like in my head, I'm like, I want to see you one last time. You don't mean? They had no fucking clue that like that's what it was. And I was like, yeah, I want to fucking see you guys. And like, they had no idea that it was like, oh, we should go out Friday. Right. You're hanging out with all of them people shit.

Little do they know if they canceled on plans, assholes. Right. My mom had a friend like that man that she worked with and like she hung out with and like gave her all her nursing books and stuff and like, you know, my mom didn't think anything of it, but she gave him like all these books and all of her stuff and a lot of us. And it was like one of her really good friends. And then like a week later she killed her stuff. And then it realized like, gifting is a huge part of the psychology. Yeah, they gave. She gave her a bunch of shit that was like meaningful shit, you know.

Yeah. No, I did the same shit. I gave some shit away to people, man. Like, gifting is a big part of it. But, like, yeah, I was like, yeah, Saturday I'm fucking checking out. Fuck this. You know what I mean? It's done.

I was going to hang myself in my backyard. What? I was like, yeah, fuck it. That seems like a good way to go. I didn't want to shoot myself because I was like, no one should have to clean that up. I just felt like that's a dick move. Yeah, yeah. It was very considerate of you.

Yeah, like, you fucking, you know, we care about people at the end. Kirk Cobain didn't feel like that. No, he was like, fuck it, clean it up. But, yeah, man, like, uh, you guys got ghosts in him. We watched the lights, yeah. But yeah, dude, like, I didn't want to go through the agony of fucking, like, overdosing myself. You know what I mean? I don't want to fucking shoot myself because I'm like, someone's going to have to scrub that up.

You know what I mean? I was like, yeah. So you're going to hang yourself? Yeah, I'm going to fucking do that because, like, I read up on them. Like, apparently your neck snaps and it's, like, pretty painless. So, uh... So, like, you'd be, like, on a chair and you, like, kick it up from my... Yeah, I did it, dude.

I was... Did you learn how to, like, tie a noose and everything? How far did you get? Uh, no, dude, I didn't... That's kind of... Like, I didn't Boy Scout, so I don't even know what kind of knot it was. It was there. Yeah.

And I was like, fuck it. I'm going to do this shit. Bravest thing I ever did was kick a chair out from under myself. Went down and my feet hit the ground. Had like a quick little tug. The fucking branch was so eaten out by carpenter ants and termites, dude. It was basically hollow. And I'm a fat fuck.

Felt no resistance. You snap the branch? Like butter. I didn't even have a lot. a mark on my neck. I literally, so my feet hit the ground, and then I get hit in the back of the head by this fucking hollow branch, just

full of bugs. I was laying in the backyard, like, you can't even kill yourself. Like, your dad was fucking right. And I'm just standing out there, like, fuck. And, like, there was a realization there. Like, oh, shit, like, this could have went a different way. Yeah, you go. I don't fucking

believe in God or any bullshit like that or, like, fucking second chances. That was just a bad choice. branches. Like, but like, maybe you should have been a Boy Scout because you go picked a better branch and tied a better Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You would have knocked on the tree. This one doesn't sound right. Got some rot in this one. This tree's only rated for a buck 50. Yeah, dude, but it was some fucking, yeah. What were you thinking when you were laying on the ground and that thing fucking broke? I was pissed.

Were you? You were mad? That was your first reaction? I was covered in fucking ants, dude. It was the worst. Like, I, like, I, like, I, like, I, the shitty part. part is like, dude, you go from like this like crying, like somber, goodbye, cruel world, like fucking ass, like running around the backyard like a fucking idiot, fucking pushing

ants off yourself. I literally jumped into the above ground pool that was in the fucking backyard and like jumped in the fucking pool and I'm like just, what the fuck just happened, dude? Like you want to talk about like a fucking spectrum of emotions? You know what I mean? And then now you're just standing in above ground pool, like just fucking what the fuck? You don't know what I mean? now you're like, oh, shit, now I've got to figure out the rest of my day.

Yeah, I got to dry off and go. I'm kind of hungry now. Now I got to go to work tomorrow. You don't just take the day off at that point? I kind of like, I kind of like just sat there and like thought about shit and just like kind of went inside and like just kind of sat and was like, oh fuck. Like this didn't go. It's like, so, uh, what am I going to do now? You know what I mean?

And like, it was a weird thing. Like just kind of sitting there and like being like, fuck man, like, that could have went on. totally different way, you know? And, like, I didn't have some fucking weird, fucking spiritual moment or like, God wants me to be here, you know what I mean? Or anything like that. And, like, I think I was kind of like, what the fuck did you just do, man? Like, you almost fucking killed yourself because you got treated like shit by other

people. Like, I don't, like, I've not really, like, wrong to anybody. Like, I don't really have enemies. You know what I mean? Minus, like, my kid's mom and, like, a few dudes that have fucked you're on weekends. There's not a lot of people that dislike me. Like, and I was like, like, you. I pretty much tried to punch my own ticket because of the shit that happened to me that was out of my control.

Yeah. Like it wasn't my fault that I got fucking diddled. It wasn't my fault that my dad was a piece of shit. And like, I was carrying this fucking baggage, dude. I'm like, fuck them. Like, fuck everything that happened to you. Like, do something. Like, fucking I can do.

Like, I'm like, my kid was like a year old at the time. And I'm like, you fucking dumb asshole. Like you're like, what are you going to do? You're going to kill yourself and let the fucking bar rats, your fucking kid's mom. Mom fucks on the weekend raised that kid. Fuck no. Like, be a fucking better dad than your dad was. Like, step at the fuck up.

And I literally just kind of like sat, like, rolled a fucking blunt. You know what I mean? I almost killed myself with weed leftover. Like, that was... What a fucking idiot. Like, you should, I... You should have smoked it first. Yeah.

I'm like, I still, like... This was still here. Die high, die drunk. Yeah, like, dumb ass. Yeah, I literally like, uh... Just like, rolled a fucking blonde and, like, fucking... I watched Caddyshack. Yeah.

I watched Caddyshack. and just stayed home that night and just didn't do shit and just thought about it. I mean, like, how could you go out that night after you try to kill yourself and pretend like it?

I didn't. I didn't tell anybody either, dude. Like, that was the only thing. I was like, I think I was more terrified of people knowing about that than like I was about like,

like fucking being dittled or fucking. The mustache and stuff. I was like way like, I was way more like uneasy about telling people. How did you end up telling somebody about that for the first time? Oh, dude. I got wasted one night with my buddy like fucking hanging out

doing blowing a fucking hotel. like doing comedy. Let me tell you something, buddy. You want to hear a funny suicide story? Because that's how things come out for me. You know what I mean? Literally. It takes a lot of cocaine.

Told him this story. Next night, 8 o'clock show. Third joke. You guys want to hear a good suicide story? He tells the joke. Yeah. Yeah, let's fucking take that one for a ride. That's how like stand upended a bean for me.

Like, uh, like I started talking about shit like that. Like, uh, like, uh, talking about the thing about like the getting fucking dittled by. your sister and every time you open porn hub it's like yeah fuck my brother fuck this sucks you know what I mean Buzzkill is that the worst kind of porn for you is the brother sister stuff I mean yeah because

they're not even really related dude like fucking it's just the title it's fake to begin yeah like you know what I want to see I want to see you fuck your sister and come on her birth certificate you don't know what I want to prove it you fucking pussy like no what I really go to a do a 23 of me I want to say are you my real brother dude

and he like spunks into the thing they send it off you don't it mean and like three weeks later it comes back you don't somehow Mari Povich is in there's like you are the brother and they start fucking on stage hilarious dude yeah like I don't even know how that shit took off dude like I don't get it

maybe it's fucked up people like me you don't I mean maybe you don't like porn right you think porn is bad for people especially for young kids no porn's awesome porn's the shit dude on your on your stand-up thing you were talking about how bad porn is now terrible it is for I talk shit about porn for many reasons.

All my album, I'm talking shit about it because you always have like women. They're like, you're like, it objectifies women. Fuck you. 300 pound fat bitches get paid tens of thousands of dollars to get fucked.

Like, there's a section for porn for every type of woman. There's 80 year old ladies that are doing porn. There's fucking people that like, no one in this room would fuck on their drunken day that getting fucked in porn.

There's... For money. Fucking, like, just... Like, just every type of woman there is. Every dude in every one of those videos is between 6-1 and 6-3 with a six-pack, tan. Same fucking haircut.

There's not... Ron Jeremy now is ugly. When Ron Jeremy in his prime, he was a good-looking dude. Like, if I walked into, like, a porn audition, they'd be like, yeah, thanks. Have a good day, buddy. You know what I mean? Like...

Let me hear a dick, boy. Porn is more... Yeah, porn is more sexist. to men than it is women. You know what I mean? It is a woman's industry. Yes, it takes like, you know, you got to have some skeletons in your closet or like, you know,

really want to get back at your dad. But like, it's a woman's industry. Like, you can walk into a porn shoot and be like a fucking 300 pound chick with a lopsided pussy, like no teeth. And they be like,

yeah, we got the perfect fucking spot for you. You know what I mean? You're going to get fucked in a trailer park and it's going to be your cousin. And then you're like, yeah, cool. And then you're going to make $3,000.

You know what I mean? Every dude, whether they're white, black, whatever they are, they're all over six foot, you know what I mean? They all have like a huge, gifted, awesome weiner. You know what I mean? They're photographs really well.

There's also no drop-down categories for different types of dudes, right? It's always, it's always- The only tab we get is gay. That's it. There's not a BBW section for us. It's not like, hey, let's go watch this little pigly-wiggly guy get his fuck on out of breath. You know what I mean? That's not how it is. Like, and the shitty part is like the pay gap.

Yeah, all right. I know, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like statistically women get paid less than men. Not in porn. You don't I mean? You get paid $5,000 for a shoot. The dude gets 50 bucks and a big Mac. You know what I mean?

Because you liked it. You know what I mean? That's always been my problem with porn is like that. You know what I mean? You know my other problem with porn is these so-called moms? No, you're just too old to do teen, you dumb bitch. There's not a fucking stretch mark, a fucking a tattoo for Aiden. or that's of course what porn star women would name their kids.

They're all fucking Aden's. Or a butthole tattoo. Yeah, exactly. They have, like, like, just symmetrical, nice, like, vagina's not a single stretch mark, a fucking C-section scar. You know what I mean? Like, you didn't pop out a kid. You're just too old to do fucking teen porn. You know what I mean?

Yeah. You're not a mom. Like, you're not, like, showing up in your minivan fucking sucking a dick and giving somebody a capricson afterwards. You're not a mother. You don't have a motherly instinct in you. That would be real mom for it. Exactly. Yeah.

You're the caprice out and some orange slices. If I'm gonna watch mom porn, dude, I want to see some lady reading a Danielle Steele book watching Jeopardy, you know what I mean? And when she flips off that robe, dude, I want to see some floppy titty's, stretch marks, you know what I mean? And like a rapper for a granola bar. Yeah, dude, I want you to tell me.

Some Bell's outlet coupons. My husband's always too busy playing Call of Duty to fuck me. Like, yeah, I would get into that, you know? It's fucking, that's my porn shit. porn is so unrealistic and I think we I think you just solved it. Yeah. The one joke on my on my album about porn being super unrealistic is that, uh, no one does butt stuff on a white couch. Oh, yeah.

That's so unrealistic. That is a great one. It just, it pisses me off though, dude. I don't even know how that happened. I just went off on a fucking rant. Like, I was like, dude, like, comedy's changed so much, man. Like, when I started, like, especially, like in Jersey when I was younger, like, the comedy club, the stress factory that I was going to do open mic at, dude like Patrice and fucking Bill Burr those dudes

just come down from fucking New York and just bump everybody and do sets and you're like oh my God fucking Bill Burr is here like it was before Bill Burr was what Billber is not like this is like early 2000s and like there's a direct trainer from the city and those dudes would all come down there and just drop in and do shit and it was fucking great but like I don't know if it's because Jersey people don't have a soul or if just comedy was different than like you could talk about like

shit like there's like safe space comedy rooms now like they're like me don't hear anything sexist racist transphobic and you can't even like even if you're not like punching down or being like mean about that subject they don't even want you to bring it up you know what I mean I literally did a joke

about me getting molested at a show and I had this girl come up to me in Jersey no this is in Orlando fuck that town and she came out just I can't believe

you said that on stage and I was like what she's like making up that story about getting molested. I was like, what? What? And this is like two years ago. This is like height of like the Me Too movement. You know what I mean?

Yeah. And it just boggled my mind because I was like, oh my God, can you imagine if like a dude walk up to a chick and was like, you just mean that all along. Yeah, right. Yeah. She called a fucking cop. And she was like, I can't believe that you would just go up there and try to joke

about that. And I was like, that shit really happened. And she goes, well, if it did, she goes, you talking about it. She's like, even on stage, she's triggered for other people. She's like, you shouldn't even talk about that shit. Like, who, though? Fuck are you? To tell you what to talk about.

To tell me what the fuck to talk about. You know what I mean? Like, I wasn't on stage like, yo, can we like stop talking about you eating out your girlfriend again? You know what I mean? And how the only reason you're gay is because you want to get back at your dad, you know what I mean? Because he was a fucking right-wing Christian and the funniest thing that you could do. It's a fucking hipster thing. She literally is the funniest thing I every day was I ate this chick out in the shape of a cross.

Ha-ha-ha-ha. And I was like, that's not even how you get chicks to come. You're an awful girlfriend. That doesn't even work like that Alphabet dummy But like it's just weird man Like comedy's turned so weird And that's why I'm saying like I don't work a lot of clubs anymore

Because like I have club owners I fucking personally love your shit They're like we don't want to get any emails You know what I mean Because you might say the wrong thing Which I have plenty of times You know what I mean You've won too many drinks

Somebody yells at you in the crowd You don't I mean And you're just fucking Start roasting them up Dude yeah you start ripping them apart Yeah I've said it's a pretty mean shit to people on stage before that have heckled me.

But that's a part of it too. I mean, like if you want to include yourself in the show, that's like you're in the show now. You want to say something then, okay, let's go. My wife knows this. If you ever come see me, you stand up, I stand up the whole time. If I ever sit down on the stool, I gave up. I'm done.

I'm not doing any more material. You know what I mean? If I sit down on the stool, I am literally going to fuck with everybody the whole time. Or I'm going to do the dirtiest, worst, awkward. Like, so I got fucked. as a kid. You know what I mean?

It's like trying to get canceled as soon as you sit down. No, I'm just trying to ruin their night for ruining my money. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? I'm going to steal your 15 bucks and you were going to sit. I have like a go-to story.

Like when it gets like that when people are just like, it's usually like the late show where you know what I mean? Like it's people that got like free tickets because comedy clubs like just paper the rooms and shit. They're like, you're not funny. Larry the cable guy's funny. I'm like,

fuck Larry the cable guy. Fuck him. Yeah. I'm sorry you have to listen to six minutes of things and breadcrums and pay attention. to get to the funny part and I'm not just like fart pussy, you know what I mean? I'm sorry there's some substance.

I mean, you do say fart pussy a lot, but it's a little bit more context to it. I'm sorry that like, you know what the biggest problem with like people that talk at comedy clubs are? They can't stand to shut the fuck up and listen to somebody else. Nine times out of ten,

the dumb drunk bitch that's fucking yelling at you while you're on stage that is like, you're not that funny. You know what I mean? Jeff Dunham, he's funny. You're not funny.

You're just insensitive. And I'm sorry that you haven't put down your fucking phone for five minutes and actually listen to a full bit. Because I'm sorry that a three-minute bit, there's breadcrumbs and a premise and a setup and a punchline that gets to the funny part. And you couldn't put down your fucking phone for five seconds. Looking at Tinder, who's fucking going to knock your fucking cunt down later to listen to an entire joke. It's not my fault that you don't have the mental capacity to listen to a bit. It's the kind of girls that are like, I don't want to watch that movie. It's got subtitles.

That's the biggest fucking red flag with me. if you want to watch this like, oh, we should watch this like really good movie. It's got subtitles. I don't want to watch that. Those people nine time out of ten, we should just fucking cut their head off. They're never going to be shit.

Like, if you, like, it's an old saying I can't credit being the one that came up with this. If you ever go to a chick's house to fuck her and there's no books, leave. Like, I didn't come up with that, but like, I thought about that. And like, my ex, like, it's not a book. No book case.

In that house. You don't I mean? She got fake tits and cheated on me. My now wife. she had books. You don't what I mean? They weren't good books, but she had books. There was a book.

Dude, you don't, like, this day and age of the patience for somebody to sit down, read a book. You don't what I mean? Like, I love it to be like, ah, I read this thing or I did some research. You watch YouTube. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, I was scrolling through Facebook and I saw a headline. You don't need books, though, nowadays. You don't need physical books.

Yeah, but that's even, that even, like, that supports the point. You don't need them, but if you have them, but people use them. We were just talking about this. Now that everyone's doing interviews, on Skype on YouTube, like everyone does these Skype interviews, especially like on the news now. Yeah. All those people are putting those big bookcases behind them.

Oh, yeah. To make them, to make them. Look how smart I am. Look at all these books I bought that I haven't read. Yeah, look how great my IQ is. I have all these books on my shelf behind me. So they use them like to prop up this false. We should put one back here.

I have like six. It's just going to be filled of phone books in like... We're going to put a book shop on there. Phone books and Dr. Seuss books. If you need some phone books or some of my car I sat on to drive here. Dude, I own like six books. I have all three George Carlin books.

Hell yeah. I have an old Michael Moore book. I have a dude where's my country book. Somebody's bought me. I didn't even read that one. The Satanic Bible. Gary used to bring that to fucking Beach Pizza. It was Necronomicon.

The Necronomicon. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's the one he used to bring there. I have the Satanic Bible and then I have this like weird sociologist. I don't even know what the fuck wrote. This is a weird book about like that. Have you read the Satanic Bible? Yeah, like three times.

What's it about? How great your life could be? That's what I heard. Dude, it's basically... It's like a very, like self-situating... It's like a self-help book. It's the best self-help book ever written. It really is.

And like the seven satanic tenets are like... It's like, don't fuck kids. Don't rape, don't steal. You know what I mean? Like, indulge in anything that makes you feel good that doesn't fuck somebody else's shit up. You know what I mean? Like, you want to do drugs?

Do them until it becomes a problem. You know what I mean? You want to fuck? Fuck till it becomes a problem. You don't what I mean? women are held in a much higher regard because they're the flower or the bees. You know what I mean?

It's people just get scared of it because they're like, oh, it's Satanism. But it's not. Leveithan's Satanism. Leveithon Satanism. Now, what's Leveithin? Anton Levee. Is he the guy that was in Hollywood?

Yeah, Anton Levee found out of the Church of Satan and I believe it was 1966. Okay. And yeah, it's a paperback, which is even cooler. You know what I mean? Actually, the first time I read it, like, you know what I mean? I'm just reading a book, not thinking about it, you know what I mean?

I was flying to Boston, and I'm like, oh, I'm going to bring this book and read it on the plane. And I'm not even thinking about it because, like, I look like me. And I'm in, like, the third row of coach, dude. And I'm like, balls deep in this book because, like, I was, like, super fucking into it. You know what I mean? And I'm, like, finger fucking on this book. You know what I mean? Like, like, airport drinks.

Licking your finger in public when you could still hear that. You know what I mean? Good old day. And not realizing the whole back of it just says the fucking satanic body. Bible, I literally had a lady walk past me and just go away. And like fucking, uh, I just don't think about it. Because like, I don't give a fuck. Like, I need to find another flight.

And they're like, terrified. You know what I mean? Like, and you're like, oh shit. Like, I am doing this in public. Which I've always talked about like, uh, this pisses my mom off. My mom's, my mom's Christian, how you should be. Uh, she shuts the fuck up about it. And it's her own thing.

You don't mean? It's her thing. My mom prays. Don't question it. Every night before she goes to bed. My mom has more faith. than anyone, and my mom hasn't set foot in church since, like, before 9-11. Like, but, like, she doesn't preachers shit.

My mom doesn't own a Bible. She won't quote. She truly believes. You know what I mean? And, like, I have a right-wing uncle who's the uncle that I'm making fun of on my CD. Yeah. Who's one of those, like, cable guy? He's one of, he's not really a cable guy.

That was just a crafty line. You know what I mean? Not everything is super true in comedy, but, like, sometimes shit just fits. Yeah. But, like, he's one of those, like, war on Christmas. You know what I mean? Like, uh... I'm saying Christmas.

Yeah, I'm saying Merry Christmas. You know what I mean? Yeah. I'm not saying happy holidays. And I ain't wearing a mask or going the right way down aisles. I have a new bit that I'm working on about him for my, uh, my new CD that I want to record at the end of this year or whenever this thing ends. You know what I mean? Uh, about, uh, that uncle and how, uh, like, I miss when conspiracy theories were smart.

Like, I miss when they were like intellectual, like, people would spend like two years, like, research in JFK to put out this thesis on like, you know, know who did it and like bullet trajectory yeah dude like like like 9-11 you know what I mean when people are like oh this is the heat for this like it was there was people that actually did it and now it was just like Obama's a Muslim and you're like why I'm like because he's brown that's why you know what I like he did an interview in front of a yellow curtain and where's his birth certificate yeah that's not a yellow curtain that was a Muslim prayer rug you know what I mean uh like and my uncle's one of those dudes and uh was like just making

fun of him about how like, like, uh, he will in one sentence tell you that, uh, Obama is an undercover special agent Muslim, right? And the next breath, he'll spout that Michelle Obama's a man shit. You know what I mean? That's just a big old tranny. You don't what I mean? That was the, that was the first man, not the first woman. You know what I mean? Uh, and like, I'm like, how's that work, Uncle Dan? Like, if he's, uh, a Muslim and Michelle Obama's a man, doesn't that make him gay? That's not cool. That's not something. I don't even know this. They don't like that shit.

They would chuck you out of a bell tower for that shit. You don't just get to tiptoe into the world of Islam. I'm pretty sure they have a pretty strict, close-toed shoot policy. Yeah. It's not. But like it was like ripping him apart about this shit. And it just boggues my mind that people are like,

yeah, well, maybe he is an undercover Muslim. I'm like, well, how can he be that? Like if Michelle Obama is a man that makes him gay, I've seen that dude eat bacon on TV, like at a fucking pork restaurant. You know the presidential serving barbecue in Texas? They have a Cuban Sanders named after him in Tampa.

Exactly. All pork. I'm adding that to this bit. Thank you, Luke. You're welcome. I've seen Obama drink beer on TV. I've seen that dude fucking eat bacon and pork. Apparently now he's gay. Like, you don't get to cherry pick in Islam.

That's not, like, you're either in or out, and he got so mad when I said this to him. I was like, I understand that you think it's easy to cherry pick stuff like that. I was like, but that's not what Islamic people do. They don't cherry pick. I was like, which is hard for you to understand because you just cherry pick Christianity. and he was like, fuck you! Like, oh, fuck. He was so fucking mad.

You just dropped the bomb on. I was literally like, oh, I just ruined Thanksgiving. Oh, yeah, yeah. What's the thing about that? It sounds like they cherry pick, like, these little bits of information or, like, made up information that support whatever they think is true. And they just craft these narratives that, like, oh, see, I mean, you can't disprove it, so it's got to be true.

Dude, I literally had somebody tell me how they base their life on the Bible while eating endless shrimp at Red Lobster. I'm like, you shouldn't be eating those. Like, like, what do you mean? I'm like, you're not supposed to eat shrimp, motherfucker. It's in the book that you base your shit on. Like, yeah. If you're going to base your life on a book, read the whole book. You know what I mean? Yeah. You people run around with Cliff Nose, dude. And like, that's like my whole thing with him is like, yeah, there's a war on Christians. You don't know how hard it is. All right, take that perfectly. If you were sitting on that $49 frontier flight like I was, reading the Bible, people will be like, I'll bless you when you walk by. No one already gave you fucking dirty looks. If you walk out on

the street and go, I'm a Christian. People are going to be like, hell yeah. You know what I mean? If I tell somebody that I'm a Satanist, you don't know what I mean? They're like, oh my God. Get away from hell. And I have to be like, no, it's like self-help. It's humanitarianism. You know what I mean? It's more atheism. They're like, fuck you, devil worshiper. So fuck, dude. Like, religion scares the shit out of me, dude. It really does. The funniest thing is that like I, I, like, people that I grew up with, like when I started talking about, like getting dittled and shit, they were like, oh my God, didn't

at St. Matthews at church because we went to a Roman Catholic church. I'm like, no, shit, it didn't. Bummer. Dodged a bullet, man. Like, I'm glad it wasn't some old dude, man. Like, that's the retrospect at it. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, it's fucked my shit up. You know what I mean? And like, like, how, I can't even how many times. Like, like, you have that, like, weird first kiss moment with somebody. You don't mean? Like, you accidentally touch a titty and, like, I'm apologizing for a half hour, making it weird as fuck. Because I don't want anybody to ever feel, like, violated like I did. So, like, dude, I've been, like, my wife, to this day, I'm like, is it okay with you? You know what I mean? Like, oh my God, I accidentally grabbed your titty like, like, like, fucking, like, fucking, like, fucking, you're married. I'm like, oh, I'm sorry. I touch her.

We're married. I'm like, I'm sorry. You know, it's still your space. You know what I mean? Like, they married you. I didn't buy you at a fucking catal farm. He wasn't an auction. But it's weird out of like that shit. Like, oddly enough, dude, do you guys remember, like, love lining shit? Oh, yeah. Like, dude, that helped me a lot. Like, like, I didn't have anybody to talk to you about shit. So I'd, like, listen to that. And people would call in about their, like, fucking. Damn, I forgot about that. Like, a lot of their, like, sexual problems. You know what I mean? And, like, I remember specifically driving home from work, uh, it's like, was it, like, 11 o'clock at night that Love Lone was on.

And I just happened to be listening to it on 98 Rock back in the day. And some dude just was like, yeah, yeah, well, that's dude and shit's weird for me now. And I was, like, literally listen to that whole thing. That's the weirdest fucking thing to ever say that, like, that was, like, the thing that, like, that was, like, the thing that, like, finally put shit in perspective for me. Like, like, hmm. All right, yeah, you're the way you are because of what happened to you. Like, you didn't choose this.

You know what I mean? Like, shit like that, like, childhood trauma, like, wires your brain differently. You know what I mean? But, like, it took me years and years and years to be like, yeah, if that shit wouldn't happen, I would be, like, the most boring, like, you know what I mean? Be normal. Yeah, I would be some dude in Pinellas Park. You know what I mean?

That, like, you would just still be in Pinellas Park and be another guy. I moved to North St. Pete, motherfucker. Yeah, the people that deal with the most fucked up childhoods, get dragged through the mud, the worst. The best people. Yeah, they end. up turning that shit around. Everyone that I hang out with, dude, has, like,

I can't tell you how many fucking chicks I know that are, like, the greatest people in the world that have, like, just fucking cutting scars all of their arms, you know what I mean? And, like, we'll laugh at shit like that, you know what I mean? And then you, like, I mean, in this neighborhood, you meet fucking, you know, Taryn and fucking Daniel and Bryce that all went to fucking Seminole High School

that had a great life, you know what I mean? They were, like, the greatest, richest kids in high school. And now look at them. They're fucking boring. Like, just, you. wearing their socks, pulling their dick out through their boxers, just boring fucking people. Some Guy Harvey bullshit motherfuckers.

Oh, God, I hate all of them, dude. Coolest thing they ever had to happen, man. I had this dude, it was like my, like, high school bully. Like, or like my middle school bully. This kid fucking, like, remember we all little punk rock kids, you know what I mean? But like, no one was, it wasn't cool yet.

I think we were like the last group of kids like that to where like it was a problem now. It's like, eh, like, you know, it's going through goth phase. It wasn't cool. No, we were like, It was the thing that you had to still go find. You had to burn CDs and shit.

You didn't have Pandora that you could just look up punk rock and it would play shit. Lime wire. Yeah. So, like, this kid fucked with me all the time. Constantly, like, fucking spit on me and, like, fucking all kinds of shit. He used to really shitty fucking dude. It's a fucking piece of shit. Fucked me all the time.

I fucking mash this kid's face him with a math book on the eighth grade field trip. That was fucking awesome. Kids spit on the back of my head. and I just fucking like whacked him with a fucking math book Oh he had it coming So like years later I'm at

Bar on Tyrone Boulevard called the doghouse It's where the hamburger Marys is now It used to be this place called Doghouse And they used to have like The fucking banging his wings ever And I worked at the mall

So we'd always go across the street over there And I was dating A chick then Which I don't know how Like I've fucked out of my league For the last 10 years I don't know how it's happened Like I don't know

I am not a good looking dude I am gross naked But like So I was with this chick at the time. And, like, she was a fuck, she was hot, dude. She was, like, a tadded up, like, fucking, like, just hot chick. You know what I mean?

Hell yeah. And, like, we're hanging out and shit, dude. And, like, everything was cool. And, like, she comes back and she's, like, some fucking dude just cornered me in the fucking hallway. And, like, it was, like, all over me, like, trying to get my fucking number and shit. And I'm like, who the fuck?

You know what I mean? And she points him out. I'm like, oh my God! I was like, that motherfucker. I won't use his, like, full name. But his name was Steve. And I was like, that fucking. fucking dude was like my fucking high school bully you know what I mean I was like oh my god the

tables have turned yeah I mean and this dude look like shit this dude was so like this dude was like Daytona bus stop lit on oxies yeah yeah I was like oh god this is gonna be great oh how the tables have turned yeah and I'm like oh I just walk over and I'm like what's up man I was like Steve and he's like oh my god is that roost like what's up and like instantly starts talking shit like just like it's fucking like eighth grade all over. What's going on? You know what I mean? And I was like, I was like, uh, it's like, no, you know,

I was hanging out. What's going to do with you? He's like, I just fucking chilling. Like, you know, I've cut lawns for a living now. I'm like, oh, you really made something of yourself,

Steven. Yeah, you know what I mean? Yeah. I was like, man, you see that hot chick with the fucking, with the dragon, Tatsy on her arm?

He's like, yeah, man. He's like, I saw her in the hallway, man. He's like, I'm totally gonna fuck her later. I was like, No, you're not, because that's my fucking girlfriend, you piece of shit. I was like, you just try to hit on my fucking girlfriend and got denied by fat fucking Kyle's boyfriend for girlfriend.

I was like, you fucking piece of shit. I was like, I hope you fucking overdose on oxies, and I threw him 20 bucks. It was like, buy another 80 and fucking kill yourself. Yeah, I was like, fuck this. And I went home and had the most gratifying sex in my life ever, of all time. Yeah, like the whole, like, dude, it was like,

dude, it was like American psycho, like arm up, the mirror. Yeah. So weird how like shit comes back to that. But like this is one of those crowning moments that you're like, man, that fucking piece of shit just like you're like trying to hit all. Yeah. It was fucking great, dude.

Like so glad that branch was ate out by fucking termites, man. So fucking glad. There's so much cool shit that happened after that, dude. Like, uh, hell yeah. Like I, like, I have a hard time respecting people that have never dealt with depression. Like, like, uh, like, people are like depressed and, you know, like, they don't really, like, like depression isn't just being sad. Like,

it's not, like, who are you sad for? Not fucking sad. I don't know what's going on. I don't want to get out of bed. I haven't showered in three fucking days. I just feel weird.

I have no will to do anything. And it's, people don't understand it because now it's become this, like, cool thing. Like, I have anxiety. I'm sad. Yeah,

I have anxiety. I have anxiety. I'm like, yeah, do you get fucking nervous around people that you love? You know what I mean? Like, do you like literally like,

like, they don't get it. It's become as fucking, like, The self-diagnosis shit is what really ruined it. You know what I mean? Like people now are like, I don't want to look at them on WebMD.

Like, I have stage four cancer. Like, you know what it is? I think it's an ant bite actually. Yeah. Yeah, I think you're hungover.

I need anerol, Adderall X and some clodopids. Adderall is. You just need another bud light. You don't need any of those. I need a lot of shit. Yeah, it's,

that's what's like, and like, that's why I respect people that are like, that are fucked up. That, like, have shit. Because, like,

they think a lot like that's the that's the problem too is like people that like go through shit like really think about shit and then you have people that things have always been perfect their whole fucking life

you know what I mean like you take fucking within a square fucking mile of where we're at right now in this neighborhood there's some of the most privileged people in this fucking neighborhood

like people don't know that like everyone I'm from Seminole I don't want to talk to you yeah yeah yeah oh you went to Dixie let's talk you know what's up yeah

but yeah you have some of the most privileged fucking people that have never been through shit you know what I mean like I got an iPhone 8 not an iPhone 9 like that's the hardest thing

they ever went there like I always think back to like those the Sweet 16 show that was on fucking MTV I was like I want to escalate you know what I mean

you got any BFW piece of shit but your dad did your dad ever choke you no you shut the fuck up Stephanie it gets to the point now we're like I want

bad things to happen to those people like that's the Maybe, yeah, I do. Like, I see these, like, super... You want them to suffer. I do. You know, when you get cheated on?

You know what I mean? You're like, I want a fuck her best friend. You know what I mean? Yeah, I want you to hurt, too. That's how I feel with some of these people when I see, like, these fucking, like, that's, like, when I work in the mall, dude, you would see these, like, 18, 19-year-old fucking, like, uh, what's the fucking, uh, what's the fucking, uh, what's the fucking, uh, listen to me, Mr. Tatman. you're gonna do what I want I'm like God I hope you get date raped like tonight Dude I hope like fucking eight dudes in the

Food Bar bathroom just run through you Yeah I don't really want that to happen No I don't wish out on anybody And make them better people to go through a real Traumatic experience Because the worst thing that's ever happened to them Is getting pickle on their fucking burger

They ordered no pickle Because they've never been through shit And I think that's why I respect people Yeah So much that have been through shit Because people that have been through shit Shut the fuck up You know what I mean?

Like, nobody I know is bitching about like, like, all the shit that's going on right now. Like, it's so funny because there's a bunch of people that have never been broke before. They're like, how am I going to laugh? You know what I mean? How do I eat? Yeah. Welcome to it, bro. I used to roll change with my mom to pay our electric bill.

My fucking dad, well, me and my dad finally got in like the last fight. My mom finally left them. You know what I mean? Like, I remember rolling change with my mom to keep our electric on. And it was some of the best times I ever had. Like, because like my dad wedged a lot of shit between me and my mom for years. That's the other reason I was like really hesitant to talk to her about shit Because like he's that kind of person

Like that's how manipulative people are like you know what I mean like if we're cool You don't I mean and then like Luke comes along you know what I mean like hey fucks kids or something You know what I mean like you wedges relationships with people like talking shit about your about that about your kids mom Dude it's psychology it's called wedging it's you they literally like they break things in between like my kids mom is very good at it you know what I mean It's like the constant like yeah like your dad treated me like shit. Yeah, like, uh, or like, yeah, your fucking mom does this or that or like, she's on you. You have no idea what she's really like, you know, or like, you know, she thinks you're a fucking failure.

You know what she really says about you. Yeah, exactly. Like, and that's what people do when they wedge in between people and they, they ruin it. I don't know if that's the actual term for it, but I know it's, uh, but yeah, it's, uh, but yeah, you fucking purposely. Selfish. Fuck relationships up. Yeah. And it's to keep people apart not talking.

so that they never talk about you and discover who the fuck you really are. That's what it is. You know what I mean? It's so like my kid's mom does that. We're like, uh, she'll like pull shit and like, you know, she'll like tell you like what an awful person like her dad is or like,

some other person is. You know what I mean? Because she doesn't ever want you to want to talk to them. Because if you guys talk, you might actually like figure out what a piece of shit she really is and start comparing notes. You know what I mean? Yeah.

So, uh, so that's how my dad was and my mom, dude. And like, that was like, weird thing with like us of like working shit out was like I didn't trust her because like you know you have 10 years of him being like well this is she really thanks to you you know what I mean shit like that and like like pushing that divide between the two of us so it was like really hard of like finally start like talking to her but like when uh when they finally split and like

I went through like some broke fucking time just me and my mom and my mom's mom my grandma little to this she was awesome like dude rolling change for fucking to pay bills like broke as fuck you what I mean. Like my dad made like all right money. Like I mean, we were like working middle class. We never like went without. You know what I mean? But like when he left, it was like, oh shit. Like, you know what I mean? Like, uh, we're eating fucking like, you know, like we got like the $2 steaks tonight. You know what I mean? Those grisly bitches, you got to beat first. You what I mean? Yeah. Like it was like weird, but like it's humbling. And like that's what just annoys the fuck out of me is when like people that shouldn't bitch when they bitch about

stuff. Like it just fucking boils my blood, dude. Like, nobody like, nobody like, do that shit. No, dude, nobody does. And that's why I just try not to bitch at all. And, like, that's why, like, when you meet people, like, I get super excited. I'm like, oh my God, your uncle fuck to you. Let's hang out. This dude's gonna have wild stories. Like, even too, like, with like, uh, like, my wife, like, my wife's, like, I mean, her trauma is nowhere near your mind, like, at all. Like, nobody, like fucking dittled her or anything, but she had, like, an abusive dad. I think she had a verbally and abusive father. You know what I mean? Uh, which is probably why she was with me, because I could never be with somebody who didn't

have some weird shit in their past. You know what I mean? Because I wouldn't want to be. I would just be bored. You don't I mean? Yeah. And that's like the best part about comedy. And like that's why I think people are so much funnier, like, when they go through

shit because like it just breaks that wall of giving a fuck. You know what I mean? Yeah. Because that was torn down like that wall of ever caring or ever having a normal life was gone before my first day in kindergarten. Like it was gone. You know what I mean? Like there was, there was never a fucking chance.

And there's a lot of people like, like me. There's a lot of people that have shit that they haven't ever talked about. You know what I mean? Like, uh... And they might not ever. No, there's a lot of people that didn't make it either because of that type of shit.

Because they found a better branch. Yeah, uh, I bet of those funerals. That was the funeral I met my kid's mom at. Was it a fucking dude who fucking hung himself. Uh, like,

it's crazy. Like, uh, do I ever want to be a fucking motivational speaker? Fuck no. You know what I mean? But do I want to tell the shit? But you kind of are.

Yeah, it's so weird. Dude, I don't want to be a fucking preachy. You know what I mean? There's like different ways of preaching. You just tell your truth. It's not like those guys.

Like I could save four lives In like the corner of a shitty bar You know what I mean? Yeah, exactly I'll save some lives tonight Yeah Here you can six Save six people in the bathroom at the Emerald

Oh yeah right Ah got it So what's that At least show them a good time There's a YouTube channel It has like a million subscribers Zebra that you write You write for them

Yeah I'm one of the writers for them I didn't create it or anything It's my buddy Dave My buddy Ollie did it Okay What is it like Sketch comedy videos Nah dude

Have you ever seen any videos Of like a Like the dude Mac making front of the Chevy commercials. Just interjected into the videos. Oh, yes. Yes. That's the Maher. Oh, okay. Huh? You said Maher? No, no, it's like the actual

Chevy commercials. The real people, not actors commercials. So they green screen this character, Mac, is our buddy Dave, into all those like real people not actors commercials. And he's just an asshole. The character's like a dick from Boston. That is actually like a real person in these videos, you know what I mean? So we did one that was the Impossible Whopper one and all the people like, oh my God, it's just like real

me he's like that's fucking cardboard like you don't mean like just being real about this is slightly better than the sandwich I get to the horse track like you know what I just talking shit but like we literally just green screen him into these videos but uh they're local dudes too but they're like just about to hit a million subscribers and it's like the funnest thing writing for them because I literally just get like a script

you know what I mean it's like over the year like it's been like a year and a half but it's fun now like writing with this character because like when you write like you're like writing it and like his accent like this is like dialect and shit I'm working on a thing with them that we just filmed last year called Florida. My buddy Brian Bargeneer is a comic that I've fucking toured with for like years doing like dirt bar tours. Like dude, we would do like the shittiest cities.

We were on the road for like a month one time. We like left here, went all the way out of Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Damn. And came back. A lady in Cedar Rapids, Iowa right after I got off stage, she goes, you talk too fast. And I was like, you listen too slow. Let me get my check and get the fuck out of Cedar Rapids, Iowa. But me and this dude, Brian, he's a lot of his comedy like mine, I do a lot of stuff about

like tattooing. Brian does a lot of stuff about working at a liquor store because he's worked at a liquor store in East Hartford, Connecticut for years, which at one point was the heroin capital of the world.

They used to live in East Hartford. This dude's got stories. So me and him started like... The show's called Florida, you said? Yeah. Okay. We actually, we're just getting at its back of it now.

And we just film the pilot, but like he does a lot of shit about like, like, a lot of his like stand-up was about like liquor store stories and shit. And I do a lot of like tattoo stuff. So we were like, yeah, we should write like a thing.

You know what I mean? like where like you have a tattoo shop that's in the same plaza is like my liquor store and I was like it has to be like a shitty like Florida Hajimar. I was like I was like it has to be and then the idea was to take all the Florida man stories you know what I mean? Yeah. And write them to where they happen at the

plaza and interject into our lives. So like it's just Brian the fuck up me the fucking shitty tattoo artist and my buddy Ali working in his liquor store. My character sells drugs that my brother-in-law Dave the crooked cop from New England.

then Ali is uh he's actually middle eastern but his character is like a first generation american born like americanized middle eastern dude that fucking hates working at a liquor store that he inherited because he's like but he's like a like a failure to launch you don't i mean but he like it's like a like definitely like very hard like trailer park boys inspired you know what i mean uh yeah every show that you ever watch like every bro comedy you've ever watched like we pulled like little shits from it. So wait, you're doing, you're filming a pilot? We already. You filmed the pole pilot already. Yeah. So, Archie is going to post on his

YouTube channel? Fuck no, dude, we're trying to sell that shit. What? Yeah, I'll show you guys. I'm not putting that shit out there. Yeah, we want to see that. Who do you want to sell it to? What's up? Anybody that will pay for it, dude, I don't know. A lot of money. I don't even want it. No, dude, I don't even want to make money. I want them, I want the opportunity to make six episodes of this. That's all I want. But you can make money on YouTube. Yeah, you can, but like, not upfront where people are just going to be like, here's money to go

make this. That's what we want. I mean, I already make money Like tattooing fucking slang and dick jokes Like yeah That's fine This isn't like a money thing Yeah like I We don't want to have to think

Like I almost sold a show Three years ago I had a You know how many almost little shows I've heard in my life No Did they have a contract in their hand From Warner Brothers?

Maybe Probably not Yeah Yeah dude A few of them had I got to smell that freshly printed paper Oh that suck man So I had this like manager

fucking a few years ago, dude, and, like, pitch some shit as this production company that he knew that, like, um, it's like his wife's old friend or something. He was a fucking scumbag. They didn't like the first thing I pitched him. They're like, what about reality shows?

I'm like, what about reality shows? What about? Fucking stupid. Yeah. So, uh, I ate shrooms because that's what you do when you're trying to write TV. Definitely, yeah. Alone.

I fucking A to 8th, lock myself in my room. And I was like, fucking be somebody. You know what I mean? There's got to be a fucking idea. there somewhere and I watched a bunch of reality fucking TV. Because I never watched it. And then I was like, oh my God.

Like, what do we do a show where I cover up people's ex's names and it's like divorce court? So the whole idea was like, you know, you come in and like, I have Jessica of my arm. The whole time I'm tattooing you get to talk shit about what a bitch Jessica was. You know what I mean? And like, you know that stupid fucking reality TV moment where they go

over the mirror and there's the fucking stupid music and they have the reveal of their new tattoo. It's so beautiful. Oh my God. You did. You know what I mean? They did that show, right? No, they didn't do this.

It was a cover-up tattoo show. That one did exist. That one was tattoo nightmares. That was just like everything. This was specifically X's names. You know what I mean? So like you come in like I fucking put a grim reaper over your baby mama's name or whatever the fuck it is. You're looking at me like, oh my God, I'm so happy.

This bitch is behind me. The curtains open. Who's here? Jessica. Let's hear her side of the story. Sit down. Yeah. And then that's all it was.

And, uh, that bitch. We did it. We filmed the most awful pilot ever, but pilots are dumb. It's not a pilot to prove a concept. You know what I mean? Yeah. So we filmed this proof of con. Like a sizzle.

The pilot of any great show is usually pretty bad. Yeah. So we film this. Not breaking bad. Breaking Bad is great, too. Walking Dead's is pretty great, too. I take it back. I've never seen either one of those shows.

I was too busy on the road to watch TVs. You're too busy writing your own story. Yeah. I used to always talk shit about people like that. Output. I was like back in the day when you actually had to like 8 o'clock on Sunday, like sit down and watch a show. I was like, I will never be such a boring, fucking bleak fucking motherfucker that, like,

8 o'clock, I got to be home. I need to watch my shows. Yeah, fuck you. Yeah, you don't even get a TiVo, you piece of shit. Go live your life. You know, we'll never let fucking TV guide fucking dictate when I'm home. But yeah, we wrote this fucking sizzle, filmed it. And then they liked it.

I remember I got a call. Oh, my God, they really like it. And I was like, ha, ha, ha, ha, get the fuck out of here. So, like, this production company pitched it. So Warner Brothers, because they did, uh, stage 13 was this thing that like uh warner brothers did a few years ago was supposed to like their vice kind of thing you know what i mean uh they loved it they wanted to buy it they wanted to buy 120 minutes of content they were going to give me a three year talent deal with warner brothers a 10k signing bonus you know what i mean and then like uh like an option to like try to pitch some other shit to this fucking reality tv show and i was like yeah fuck it you know what i mean that's a break you know what i mean uh super stoked uh mom we made it oh god they're gonna buy this you know what i mean within the hour that like i call my mom I'm crying. I fucking did it.

You know what I mean? Within that hour, my manager at the time gets in a screaming match with the production company because he wants to be EP and they're like, you're a fucking talent manager. You have no TV, like, experience, whatever.

Why the fuck would we give you an EP credit? And he goes, fuck you, we're no deal. And like, what do you mean? no deal. Like, and yeah, burnt the whole fucking thing down. Like, I did. That whole industry is such a fucking shit clown show. Dude, yeah.

managers are you don't like they're fucking leeches dude agents are the like dude the way this whole thing is now dude like agents in l.A. dude are just fucking rich kids that like just fucking like sit around yeah and all they do is they're like oh so you've worked really hard and made something to yourself with your YouTube or you have a million followers now I'm gonna take 15% to book you now yeah and people that could do it themselves it's not like the 80s when like these motherfuckers so many of them yeah but it's not like the 80s when people went to like clubs and we're like this dude's a talent we're going to like sign them and groom him and like do things you

what I mean like in order to make it now like it dude rap fucking like if you're in a band if you fucking play the ukulele whatever the fuck you do if you act do comedy you have to already make it on your own on the internet before an agency or anybody will even look at you oh for sure so like them right like those are also people I would like a second holocaust of just Hollywood agents you know the problem with the Hollywood the TV and Hollywood shit is fucking dude they're all leaving And they're all old. And they're all old suit wearing motherfuckers who everything that they do is depicted by advertising.

And every decision they make comes from advertising money. Who don't listen to comedy. Who don't listen to fucking music. Who don't watch movies. They don't care. No, they're fucking awful. Awful people, dude. They're so terrible, man.

And that's why, like, we're like, fuck this. Like, we want to do this shit on our own. Like, if somebody wants to buy it and, like, pay us to do it. That's what I'm saying. You should put it on YouTube. Do it yourself. The whole thing that you do. fucking things are already out there like this.

Like a scripted show isn't like a YouTube thing. You know what I mean? Like yeah, we want to make, write sketches, cool. You know what I mean? But no one like,

YouTube dude, people watch two minute videos. Dude, remember Vine? That's not true. Bros of Seamy Valley. Dude, for them,

come on. People watch three hour podcasts. They say they do. You know what I mean? Like, uh, like no one really listens to Rogan. They watch the clips.

You don't I mean? Like, it's, but yeah, people like us do. His palatial estate would say otherwise, I think. But yeah,

Like, people like us, like, I'll listen to a whole fucking podcast. You know what I mean? I'll watch, like, a fucking, like, fucking weird documentary about some shit I'm not even into just because it's hilarious. You know what I mean? Yeah. Of course birds are battery powered, you know? Yeah.

Obviously. But, like, the masses. I'm talking about, like, you know what I'm not? Birds. But, like, the masses of people don't do that. I think more people watch longer stuff, though, on YouTube than they do short clips. More people like us. You have to forget that we're really out there.

Like, the fucking, you know what I mean? Like, there's a lot of people like us. Come on. Have some faith in humanity. It's hard. I know. It was like you were saying on Dr. Drew. Yeah.

Somebody saying something that specific that really reached out to you. There is. But I didn't listen to that show because I wanted to. That was just a fucking lucky thing where I's happened to be in my car at 11 and 5. And now you have an algorithm to spoon feed you these sorts of things that you could be putting out there. Yeah. But like I just don't, we just don't want to do YouTube with this. I mean, we might like.

I mean, I'm not saying it has to be YouTube. I'm just saying like find, figure out something where you can put it out there. And the other thing is we already have. have two production companies before we even started this that we're like, yeah, we want you to make this. I just know so many people who, including myself, who have been in this position for so long, and they just wait and they wait and they have something so great. And they just don't put it out because they think they're going to hit that fucking pot of gold. Oh, we're not going to wait.

Somebody's just going to show up back. Yeah. You made it. Here you go. Exactly. You have permission to be successful now. We already have, like, people in place that are, like, that they're going to, like, pitch it. And, like, we already thought it.

Like, they have, like, an X amount of time to, like, pitch of the people they want. to and then we will like put it out on YouTube and then try to sell fun like a couple episodes after that. We just don't want to do that like right away. Yeah. For sure. We're not like, you don't want to waste it. I'm excited to see it honestly. I will show you.

I can't wait and fucking see the pilot. I will show you. How long is the pilot? I'll be 11 minutes. Okay. Yeah. It's, uh, it's super fucking Florida. It's like everything about it.

Oh, that sounds sick. So like, yeah, they were like, uh, they shot down our first episode. Uh, the, we wanted to do an episode about a baby stuck in a hot car. The windows are cracked in his favorite And us trying to get it out But that's good It ends up just being like the The plaza prostitute blowing a midget

So they're like maybe not for the first one And they're like yeah By the way your only female Is a prostitute You guys need another strong female We're like no, the prostitute's not even a female They're like it's a tranny, it's a dude And they're like what?

And they're like yeah But the whole joke is that like we're like That's a lady And other people keep like misgendering her But like we're super Like that's a fucking lady but it's clearly like a dude with a dick and a 5 o'clock shadow

And the production company was like, you guys are fucking wild, I love this. So yeah, we had to write like another character And so we wrote like a strong female That's like a piercer, you know what I mean? And like she's like the funniest, like, My wife played it in the pilot Because like she fucking gets drugging to everything.

Like, hey, we need a chick to play this And nobody else wants to be around us. Spit some lines. But yeah, it's fucking rad. It's fun as fuck. So we ended up going with the zombie face eater from like the Haitian dude Yeah, yeah

Everyone knows that story Yeah, so we rewrote it to where We're the ones that sold him the basalts Yeah Like we're like ignorant to it And like we stock aromatherapy crystals Not known where they are And then like

The piercer chicks The one that like ends up like breaking it Like you know what basalt What the fuck are basalt Just like it's like Chinese meth I'm like fucking loser would sell that I'm like oh fuck we did You know what I mean

And then yeah Long story short Like our shop bum Like eats my buddy's face off In the parking lot The shot bum. Yeah, I can't wait to see that. This is the pilot.

Yeah, I'll show it to you guys and we're done. That sounds sick. Hell yeah. But yeah, it's fucking, it was like the funnest thing that we ever did. Like,

I've never had to, like, act before, you don't I mean? Unless you're counting, like, you know, not telling your teacher that your sister beats the shit out of you. Maybe I would be a good actor.

But yeah, it was fucking weird. Like, I have to play myself. But it was so weird to just be like, okay, just be yourself. You know what I mean? As soon as the cameras on you're like, hey, what's up guys?

it's fucking weird, dude. Like, acting's not hard. Like, I just don't think I could cry on command. Like, I'll respect those people. Like, my job is so hard. I'm an actor. I'm like, you're not a writer. You just read lines that other people wrote for you

and have a nice face. Go fuck yourself. You know what I mean? Like, we purposely wanted to cast like a bigger chick for like the chick role. Because, like, they were like, I'm like a strong, female. You know what I mean?

And, like, my friend Hillary from North Carolina is one of the fucking funniest comics. She was in that Netflix movie dumpling with Jennifer Aniston. And we were like, when I met her, like, you know what I mean? I was like, oh, what's Jennifer Anderson smell like? Cookies?

Like, I just feel like I see her and I just... It's got to be pleasant. It's got to be good cookies or like poterie. She's just a goddamn angel. But like, I want her... Is she married to Brad Pitt? Did they get back together? I hope so.

I don't know. They deserve each other. I can't keep up. She's fucking awesome for however old she is, though, no. I get my snippets of, like, her and Brad Pitt's life whenever I check out at Publix. Yeah, Star Magazine. Yeah, yeah, like, we were like, to the production company's a year, we knew, like, a strong, like, female person. And they're like, yeah, maybe a looker.

And we're like, fuck you. A looker. You know what I mean? Yeah, because that's how fucking all those fucking scumbag people are. You don't know what I mean? They'll, like, take some chick that can't act. They can read lines that has, like a hot ass. You know what I mean?

Yeah, you're going to be a stag. So they can per day. Yeah, yeah, you want to stay at my house? I'm the producer. Yeah. like Scarlett Johansson's really talented No, she's just good looking Like dude a lot of those people

Like fucking Robert Downey Jr. It's only because who his dad was. You know what I mean? Like we wouldn't know who Ben Stiller was If it wasn't for Jerry Stiller Because Jerry Stiller had talent You know what I mean? Ben Stiller is just okay.

So like we were like yeah, fuck you guys Like so we were like no we want to fucking cast Like a chick that's not like your fucking normal bullshit like little skinny trampy chick. So like it just didn't even click And I'm like fucking do them blow in a bathroom with fucking Hillary and fucking North Carolina like

Jennifer Asden did you get this to your underwear like just being a fucking asshole I'm like oh my god you should play this part if we ever get a chance to do this Oh my God and she was like she was so funny because she was like She's like yeah she's like I always feel like they always like Cash it and she even said like her role in that movie Dumplin she's like They only cast me because I was a fat girl She's like that's what they wanted they wanted like that like Not hot like she's so fucking she's like they castes me

because of that's like the character they wanted for and I was like I was like, I'm not trying to cash you because you're fat. I'm trying to cash you because, like, I want you to get a job that they would give to somebody else that wouldn't fucking deserve it because she's fucking hilarious. She's the best person for the job. Like, it's just, uh, I fucking hate that. It happens all the time. Like, you get like, people and like, women aren't funny. Women are fucking hilarious, dude.

Some of the funniest comics I know are women, dude. When the fucker comedy club's going to open back up, dude? When are you going to get back into it? Hopefully never, dude. I'm hoping to install bar shows from now on, bro. I hope they all burn down. Fucking hate them. Two drink me.

minimum fucking assholes. Well, you gotta get back at it, dude. You were fucking on a tear for a while, weren't you? Dude, I miss it so bad, dude. Like, I'm just sitting at home writing shit, dude. Yeah. There's so much shit that I can't wait to talk about, dude. Like, I just fucking sit at home.

Like, I've talked a lot of shit about long guys. You got anything you want to try out? Yeah, let's talk about this one. I spent a lot of time talking shit about long guys last couple years. Like, you made a career out of what I used to you for $10 for my grandma? You know what I mean? Like, how do you just quit and go? You know what I'm going to cut grass?

You know what I mean? Like, do you have no fucking try? And you didn't, you know, you're not, you're just a lawn guy. You weren't even like, you know what I'm going to get a chainsaw and cut a tree down? There's no fucking do in their life. I've talked so much shit about long guys. And then this whole thing happens. I'm at home, losing my business, broke, just listening to fucking lawnmowers all day.

Just fucking all day. Just some guy out, do do do, do, feed my family. You want to be an artist, you piece of shit. I don't know if you know this. The sound of lawnmower makes is actually, ching, jing, j. Chang to ching really fucking fast. If you're at home and depressed, it just sounds like some fucking white trash dude

cash and checks that you're not. It sucks. I fucking hate it, dude. I really ate crow with that one, like almost literally because I couldn't afford food. Like I was about to probably start having to actually eat crows. Yeah, that's, I want to talk about that and how much shit

I've talked about labor people. Because like I kind of got on a hind. My dad was a labor dude. You know what I mean? And I watched that dude struggle. That was like something. I was like, I'm never gonna be that dude.

You know what I mean? I'm never gonna. Like, and like, it's true. Some of the happiest people in the world come home fucking smelling

like fucking B.O. every day. Yeah. You know what I mean? But like, I just, I, like,

I wonder if those people just never tried to do what they really wanted to. You know what I mean? Because you always meet some guy like, what do you do? I've worked on ACs for 30 years.

I've provided for my family. You're like, okay, cool. Yeah, the guy does like AC work, but would you really want to do? and you find out this dude builds like the greatest birdhouses ever.

You know what I mean? And it's like, I actually, I'm a symphony fucking pianist. The tree house master. You know what I mean? Like I go home at night and I'm playing fucking Beethoven on the piano. And you find this dude's fucking wicked good at piano. But he never fucking tried to do it.

Dude, George Bush Jr. Perfect example. Have you seen that dude's paintings? If his family, dude, his paintings are fucking great. It almost makes up for all the war crimes. Almost. It does. Almost makes up for nine of it. I think he should start painting.

the Iraqi kids that we drone struck I might start liking him then He's just got the tower scrumbling down That dude's like the perfect example I had no idea he was a painter Dude they're great Like they're really good But that dude's the perfect example

Of why you just don't do What your parents tell you to do And what other you don't I mean That dude didn't want to be a fucking oil baron Or fucking president you know what I mean That dude wanted to fucking smoke weed Drink Bush Light and do cocaine and paint And if fucking

Barbara Bush and fucking George Sr. who's been like I have fun on the basement with your paintings, faggot. Like, we wouldn't have went to fucking Iraq and killed all those people because he would have just been painting like, man,

we shouldn't blow people up. You know what I mean? But that's the whole thing is like the fact that I can pay my bills. You think the same thing would have happened to Hitler if he would have followed through with his paintings? I don't know. That's a deep best question.

This is recorded. Maybe he would have been a nicer guy. I don't know. I think what really fucked Hitler up was World War I. You know what I mean? Because he was like, like, like, that dude was like, like, that dude was like that dude was like the dude. You see it timeout trying to fight everybody with fucking PTSD. That dude is no different than the dudes at Rudy's that are like,

fucking you kneel, I'll crush your fucking head in. Oh my God. Take off your face mask. Take off your face mask. I have to write this down. I'm so sorry. I think that's such a funny idea of like,

that's what Hitler really was. He's an artist. Dude, he, I mean, yeah, he was an artist, but I mean, like, you think about it, that dude was a dude who's fucked up for more. Just like the people that we know now, like the dudes of that shitty square fucking... The police haircut.

Haircut. And the Hawaiian t-shirts. And it's sad, too, because they're just people, they're fucking PTSD that, like, never got it, like, dealt with, you know what I mean? But then it's a dude like that, they got into power. You know what I mean? Like, that's all it is.

Like, you imagine if we took some, like, dude, some guy just got shot, like, two days ago in Missouri or something for, They wouldn't let him on a bus because he wasn't wearing a mask. Yeah. So he fucking shot the bus driver. Yeah. Exactly. That's insane.

Retarded, dude. I can't. What a perfectly waste of shooting somebody. Some other dude was in a liquor store in Texas, and the late, the, it was a lady clerk at the liquor store, wouldn't let him check out because he wasn't wearing a mask. So he fucking punched her in the face.

There's a dollar general in, uh, Michigan. Where that happened to? Like, dude walked in. That might be the one that I'm thinking of. They're like, you need to wear a mask. He's like, fuck you. Like, yeah.

But that's all Hitler was, man. Hitler was a fucking, like, if you took one of these like, I ain't not knocking a shit about him, but if you took some kid that went to fucking Iraq in 03, you know what I mean, and comes back, you know what I mean? He's a fucking buzz-cutty fucking,

don't tread on me, fucking war dude. And you put that dude in power, that dude would start exterminating Muslim people. That's all Hitler was. Hitler was just a fucking dude with a bad haircut. That was jaded. from war that got a position of power that should never get a position of power

that's a weird thought I'm gonna write that down I fucking hate those dudes so much But what I've noticed is that most people that come back from like serious battle They aren't really like that No oh man that's a whole other conversation

I would love to have with the buddy mine That was over there And he's like yeah I saw some shit It's fucked up You know what I mean He goes with the he's like the loudest ones That come back Or like, you know what I mean?

He's like, not all of them. You know what I mean? He's like, you meet people that were like over there and shit. And he's like, you know, there's people like me that came back. Like, you know, he's like, I fucking wake up screaming in Arabic sometimes. Like, shit happens. You know what I mean? I fucking killed a few kids, whatever.

Yeah. And like, but like, yeah. But then there's the like the look at me. Like I had some fucking dude one time. There's the guys that are just looking for attention. Yeah, I get it. I mean, I know you shouldn't talk shit about them because like, God forbid you say anything anything fucking negative about them.

Yeah. Yeah. Like, it was your fucking choice. You know what I mean? Like, you chose to go. Like, yeah. We weren't forced. It's not fucking, you know, fucking North Korea where you fucking go in the fucking military.

You know what I mean? It's not a draft. The shitty part is like the fucking how like the fucking, uh, the recruiters prey on kids. You know what I mean? That was like one of the greatest things that like, I know a lot of people don't like Michael Moore. Michael Moore has done some cool shit. Like I love where, uh, he was like fucking, he was in Michigan and all the recruiters were at like the dirt mall and the black side of town. Trying to get those kids to go.

And he's like, hey, why don't you go to the mall and the other stuff? that it sounds like yeah no they they kick us out of there they don't want us fucking like poaching your little like white upper middle class kids and to go to the military they want the fucking poor ones to go like and that's that's the truth of the military they fucking pry like uh first time i run to the town my kids moms or um not my kids mom fucker wouldn't go anywhere with her my wife first time i went with my wife to the little fucking pisshole fucking corn town in the middle of illinois that she's from it bummed me the fuck out because every dude that i met there all went to the military.

Not because they wanted to because they were like, I'm either gonna fucking work in a corner field. It's a way to get out of where you're at. And they're all so fucked up now. Like, all six of the people that live in this town.

Like, you know what I mean? They all graduated high school. They all went. And like, why they're so fucked up? Dude, from fucking

liquefying kids in a tank. You know what I mean? That shit will fuck with you, you know? Uh, and like, they're all so fucked up from that shit. And they're just like every night sitting this fucking bar.

And it sucks because, like, they had no, like, that was their choice. It was like, am I going to go work at the fucking factory and hate my life? Go the army. Yeah, I'm going to go on the fucking army. Get out of the town. Yeah, and like, now they're just stuck there, dude. And it's sad as fuck, dude. It's so, like, it just, it, it boggles my fucking mind that, like, people still are like, yeah.

So you got to follow your dreams. Yeah. Give it a shot. Yeah, and that's what, like, I get fucking so pissed off. Like, I've met people that, like, this. the hidden talent thing. Like, you meet somebody like,

you know, you don't know that they're like, you know, whatever, fucking, you cross stitch or whatever you do. What I mean?

Cross stitch. Whatever the fuck you do. You don't mean? Like, you meet some people like, you know, like some, you know,

I had no idea that that dude like, you know, was that good at a beer cans. Like, those are really good beer airplanes. You know what I mean? Or, sell them at the fucking flea market.

Make money off of that. Stop fucking plumbing, dip shit, you know, like evade taxes. Make your own money. Like, fuck this.

You love. Dude, yeah. Like, and that was, like, I wanted to be, like, the whole reason I wanted to be a paralegal is fucking shities to sound. The whole reason I wanted to fucking become an attorney is to, like, help people that, like, we're getting fucked over.

You know what I mean? Like, I, like, SLC punk as fuck was like, I'm gonna get more damage from in the system, you know? Like, I literally, I was like, yeah, I want to be a fucking ACLU attorney and, like, help people that are getting fucked over and, like, do shit and, like, really fucking change things. But, like, that's never going to happen.

No one's ever going to change shit. Not me. You know what I mean? I'm just a dude to, I can't even pick the right branch on a tree to kill myself. Oh my God. I can change the world, you know? Bring it back.

Oh, my gosh. There's a bunch of white trash losers from Pinellas County. But I think we'd be the perfect people to storm the fucking, like, if like, pitchfork time came. You know what I'm saying? If pitchfork time ever, no, I wouldn't be there either. I'm not I'm staying inside. All I'm saying is it would be Floridians. You know what I mean?

Honestly, I don't think it would. I think it would be somewhere in the Midwest. Michigan. Somewhere where... Michigan's out and they're running right now. Yeah. You know what I mean? The three percent is...

Texas. Oh my God. Florida's definitely going to be fucked up. Everybody's at the beach. Yeah, we're all chilling. Where we are, at least. Yeah. Not on...

This ain't St. Cloud. Not State Road 60. Yeha Junction. Yeha Junction. How long do you think, like, those militia people would actually last in a fight against the actual militarized police? I think they'd give up as soon as the... the police showed up.

Day tops, dude. Nah, some people would die. No, there wouldn't be like another, like Waco. I think it would. Like, why? You think like 60 days? Waco? Yeah.

I mean, it wasn't that long. It was like 51 days. Right? It was like 51 days? Well, you just watch the documentary? Can you pull that up? Stinky? No, we just watched, yeah, we just watch it on Netflix.

Yeah, I did. I watched that too. It was a great show. It was good. It was really good. Every documentary. That was wild, man. I love that they focus on his guitar playing.

Yeah, he does play guitar. He had some fucking sick guitars. Yeah. Dude, yeah. Yeah, like BC riches hanging out while he was preaching. He had like the best mullet ever, too. Oh, yeah. He looked like if Chuck Scholdner was like a Christian preacher,

and I really appreciated it. It was a good show. I love when you talk to, like, right-wing people about that. Like, yeah, the ATF and shit totally fucked up, all that shit. And I'm like, that guy was just a dude just living his life. He wasn't hurt anybody. He was living his life and having tons of wives. Except for the kids he was fucking illegal guns he was selling.

Yeah. Dude, I wanted a fucking tyrant either night about, like, 51 days. Election year shit, you know what I mean? Here we are again. Woohoo. And, like, I had a friend of mine try to, I was like, I'm not fucking voting. Fuck that shit. You know what I mean?

They're like, you have to. You don't have to do anything. You have to go vote. You got to do it. Like, every person who doesn't vote or votes a third party. It's a vote for Trump. That's exactly what my mom tells me. Good.

Good. And they're like, you have to go vote for Biden. I'm like, seriously? If you don't vote for whoever is telling you to go vote, then you're wrong. I'm going to fuck up about it. I'm voting for Justin Amash. I'm going to vote for you. Dude.

Who the hell is Justin Amash? I'm writing in Kyle Ruth. Kyle Ruth. Dude, I would be a great president, dude. I would legalize drugs. Yes. Fire everyone and quit. Fuck you.

Fuck all you. You got my votes so fast. You have to vote for Biden. I was like, you can't believe. I was that you coming. me of all people. Like somebody who went through some fucked up shit. Like, you want me to vote for the dude who like open mouth kisses boys.

And like, he does all sorts of creepy ass shit. Yeah, they're like, that's just, that's just, that's just editing. Yeah. Fuck you. That is not editing. I know that guy. Like, I've seen that guy. Some fucked up with that guy.

Yeah, no, that dude, like, I don't know what I'm saying that dude. Makes trouble look good. Yeah, dude. I love the, like, which rapist are going to vote for? Yeah, right? I'm just going to say. sit this one out. Have you heard Howard Stern

talk about Trump? Dude, he fucking hates him, dude. Yeah, but he used to love him. Yeah, I know. He's like, I love him as a friend. I mean, he was a great guy. He's been to my wedding or whatever, but he asked me to come speak at his

inaugural, his presidential inauguration. Howard was like almost going to do it and talk about Hillary because he loves Hillary. But he's like, I can't because Trump was so good to me and we had such a good friendship. How great would have been of Howard Stern would have showed up his fart man? Oh my God.

You know, my God? You know, from the movie? Yeah. I don't even like talking about politics with anybody anymore. No. I don't know enough about it to talk about it. I read a lot about shit and like keep like a very open mind about stuff about it just because like with comedy like you kind of have to know what's going on. Like you got to know what the fuck's going on in the world to like talk about shit.

You know what I mean? You can't be like going on stage being like yeah. So Waco, right? People like, what is that? If the series didn't just come out, people wouldn't be like, what happened then? But yeah, like, it's fun to, like, talk about it. I mean, I don't necessarily do,

there's people that are very good at political humor. I'm not one of those people. But, like, you have to stay up on that shit. And it's so crazy. Like, everything's so politicized and all, like, even comedy. You know what I mean? Like, these, like, preachy, like, 21-year-old kids that, like, we'll go up and, like, just do fucking,

like, literally, like, comedy has become Trump set up punchline. They want nothing to do with that. Like, I want nothing to do with it. And honestly, if that's, if that's, all you're doing. It's too easy. You can make fun of that dude constantly. He's an easy fucking target. You can just repeat what he says word for word and it turns into a joke.

He is funny as fuck. The shit he says is pure comedy. Most of the shit he says is so fucking funny. I love the people that are like they won't admit like shit. They won't even be like, yeah, he's funny. Even if you don't like him, they're like, fuck him. Everything he does is awful. You don't what I mean? It's from China.

China. Rogg. It's so. Yeah, yeah. It's pretty good. Dude, the Stormy Daniels thing was awesome. Like, I loved when all that was going on. Yeah, that was good.

My favorite part about the whole Stormy Daniels thing, I just like calling out people on her bullshit, and the whole Stormy Daniels thing was going on. You had a bunch of, like, 300-pound dudes that probably bowl in a fucking Tuesday night fucking handicapped league. Talking, she's like, ah, Stormy Daniels, that dirty bitch.

You know what I mean? Like, they wouldn't fuck her or something. Yeah, like, she's so gross. Oh, my God. That didn't even happen. And I'm like, you're making fun of somebody that's like top-tier porn star while you go and fuck somebody from the BBW amateur section? Shut up, Frank. Fuck you.

It was just so funny, dude. Like, from the fucking American Legion. Yeah, some dudes in a fucking American Legion with his fucking pig and lipstick. Oh, God, Stormy Daniels is gross. I'd never put it in her. I'd much rather go home and fucking fist you, Betty. Yeah, right. Get your fucking priorities straight, dude.

Like, that's the funniest. You don't even need poli. politics to shit on politics. No. Because there's no, there's no A to B anymore. I always thought that was an incredible, like, excuse for why somebody wasn't sexually abusing somebody who's like, well, look at them.

Yeah, no. Why would they touch them? Dude. How was that an excuse for it to not happen? Because people don't realize that people get abused that are vulnerable. Yeah. They're not, it's not a looks thing. You know what I mean?

Uh, it's not, it's a vulnerability thing. You know what I mean? Uh, it really is like, kids that get preyed on, dude. That's why it's always the camp counselor that, like, they know. Like, you know what I mean? Like, when they bring in the new class of whatever. Yeah.

The camp counselor is, he's like, all right, let's line up for dodgeball. They're not lining up for dodgeball. That camp counselor's like, I'm fucking you at retreat. Like, squints in the side just, like, pushing up his glass, like, I'll see you. You ever tried wine, Billy? Yeah, yeah. And that's, that's, it's not a, it's not what looks there. See you later.

Imagine being so good of a pedophile that you could like, that one's not really my type. Oh my God. Like you're some like Somalié for a pedophile? Yeah. Oh, that little fat for my taste. Was that a gap in your teeth, Billy? When are you getting braces?

Maybe next summer. Get your shit together. Is anybody still watching this thing? You got any live here? We got 42 people. Kyle Roberts is still. Is he still watching? Kyle Roberts.

One a am. Shout out to. Kyle. He just commented, quote, she's too ugly to rape, unquote. That is awful. Put that on my tombstone. Realize, Kyle.

She was too ugly to rape. Dude, we just did like three hours almost. Yeah, that was fucking solid. Holy shit. So where can people that watch this find you on social media and the inner webs? My Twitter is Kyle underscore Roos. That's always fun. Uh, don't follow my Facebook because there's way too many people on that.

Too many people? Yeah, it's at the like 5K thing and I'm too lazy to make one of those fan pages. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I just, I fucking hate. Don't, don't friend me on Facebook. I have iPhone 5, dude. Oh, you do. I hate social media.

Like, I wouldn't even do it if, like, I didn't have to for, like, comedy and tattooing a shit. Uh, but yeah, on my Instagram is, uh, BNDK 727. Can't get into what that means. Uh, but yeah, my Instagram. Oh, that's all tattoo stuff and screenshots and Twitter jokes and shit. Hell yeah. Your Twitter's funny. You're really active on Twitter.

I have no followers. Like, it's always every once in a while I'll post something. I'm like, oh, three people didn't like that. And they unfriended me. But yeah, Twitter's a blast, dude. Hell yeah. Follow me on Twitter whenever clubs open up. Come see me do shows.

What do you like better, tattooing or comedy? That's an awful question. What do you like better? Blow jobs or pussy? You don't have an answer to that. Love the good. Yeah, they're both really red. Have you ever thought about doing comedy while you're tattooing?

Yeah, dude, everybody always says that, like, oh, my God, you should do comedy while you're tattoo. And I'm like, why don't you fuck off and let me just do it? I don't want to do that. You don't want to fuck up a tattoo. Don't tell me what to do. Yeah, I just feel like that would be, like, the most cliche thing ever. Yeah.

Like, you know, it would be really funny if your mom's jokes while she was baking. I don't do that shit. I don't. I do stand-up because I do stand-up and I like tattooing because it's tattooing. Like, I do both when I go on the road, dude. Like that was like when I realized Oh shit you can do both

Like I'm in fucking Portland Maine this weekend You know what I mean Doing fucking comedy I'm gonna tattoo all there too And you can't Yeah and that's where like A lot of comics fucking hate me

Because they're like We do this fucking bullshit Fucking gig I only made a hundred bucks And we're like 400 bucks That's too Right Let's go get a steak

Yeah Fucking losers To go the whiskey Dude you know many times I'm on the road Like comics That have like remote jobs You know what I mean

And like they're like I'm like oh let's go out And they're like oh I'm like oh It's right You got to sign into your fucking stupid fucking bank job. You know what I mean? And fucking, you know, crunched numbers, you piece of shit

because you never tried to make something to yourself. You know what I mean? Well, you still do comedy. I'm like, well, if you were good at it, you wouldn't have to fucking do your dumb bank job. I'm going to go drink till four and go tattoo fucking fat girls tomorrow. Quit dabbling. Hell yeah.

Tattoo couple butt holes tomorrow. Yeah. That's it. Quit dabbling. Just dive right into it. Yeah. I mean, that's... Make it happen.

Oh, I think there's Doug Stanhope that said. He's like, you should fucking do whatever you love until you start getting paid for it. He's like whatever it is, fucking acoustic guitar. Like, that's the biggest fuck you that you could ever do to the world. You should do whatever you love until you start getting paid for it. Yeah, you should just do what you do until you're good enough at it to where you're getting paid for it. Okay. You know what I mean?

Like, when you get paid, stop? No, fucking keep fucking going. But the whole point was that, like, you can make anything a fucking job. You know what I mean? Like, how many fucking white girls with dreads have Etsy stores that have more money than all of us right now? Because they sell fucking trinkets and like, yeah. A little bit about my crystals? You don't know what I mean?

Like, that's a career. You know what I mean? Like, I- People want to trade their dreams for security. My wife. My wife. My wife. My wife.

Literally goes to fucking Goodwill and buys clothes because she knows like what shit she's looking for. Yeah. And then she sells it to fucking rich white girls that are too lazy to go shopping on fucking poshmark. That's sick. Yeah. That's a- hustle, man. That's a thing you can do. Like, yeah.

Like, uh, people are like, I don't know what I want to do. Like, dude, if I could do anything in the past. I would go back and I would kick myself in the dick when I decided to take a student loan to go to college because I thought that was the only way out. Like, it's fucking stupid. You don't even people I know with bachelor's degrees that are like, like, you know,

they're doing nothing. So many of them. And they're not even good at making coffee. It's fucking shit, dude. Yeah. Like, you guys fucking do this. Like, don't work hard. Don't work hard.

It's a fucking, we're all going to die. It's fucking stupid. Full transparency, though, I do have a bachelor's degree. Yeah, and what? Fine arts. Fine arts. The focus in graphic design. And so does she.

And so does stay in. I don't give a fuck. Like, what do? Like, college works for some people. You don't know what I mean? Yeah. Well, yeah, if you're a doctor. College was just, like, an excuse to, like, play in Photoshop for four years.

Yeah, like, it's just, but, like, I feel like it's that forced upon thing of, like, if you don't go to college, you're not going to be anything. Yeah. Like, it's that or long guy. Yeah. It's, uh, it's the fucking world we live in. the saddest part about all of this is like and that's the weirdest thing like I get so mad

like my friends. I have a buddy's a really good cook that just doesn't do anything and that's what makes me so mad as like yeah I fucking pay my bills telling dick jokes and tattooing and you work at a bar cooking wings like when you can work at like a really good restaurant but you just never try like fucking go do it

yeah some people are that do that like exactly what you're talking about right now when they're really good at something but they don't want to do it enough to where they can make money at it or actually go somewhere with it is they want it to be too perfect. Yeah. They don't want to release it out to the world because they're afraid of the criticism.

Oh yeah. This dude's got it too easy. It's a smoke weed and the walk in. You know what I mean? He's got a burger named after him. He's made it. You know what I mean? They're too romantic to it. Like this dude doesn't realize that he could be working at like a fucking good ass restaurant. Somebody in the live chat just said, I bust cheeks for a living.

Hashtag cheek buster. But do you get? get paid. Yeah, that's the biggest question. Wild boy, KK, do you get paid for busting cheeks? What is your shirt say? Oh, God, this is so, uh, so I was working at a shop and Augusta Georgia last weekend. Yeah.

Because I've been driving to Georgia to work. Yeah, unlike everybody else just sitting around waiting for their unemployment. Yeah, fuck that. How about that kid just got shot in your stimulus check? Oh man, that's a whole fucking... Are you up to date on that story? Yeah, that was murder. That's what that was. And the fucking story,

dude. What story? Straight fucking murder. kid who got shot running down the street by those guys who ambushed him. I don't care if that dude, fuck that dude's daughter silly five minutes before that. You don't just get to shoot people in the street. You don't get to stand in the back of a truck bed with a shotgun. Yeah. Hell no. And there's rules for citizens arrest.

And I'm pretty sure one of them is don't shoot them in the face. Definitely. Yeah. That was premeditated all day. Yeah. They're like, well, how do you know? They tried to say he was like, oh, he had, honestly. construction site or something.

They said he was robbing houses or something, but the security cameras showed him like in a construction house. Weird, because if that dude was running down the fucking street. I didn't see him with fucking Nana's China in his hands or a TV. I didn't see him and shit. You know, like, so what if he did? Let the fucking cops deal with it.

No, they were racist ass white people. Well, the guys are arrested now, right? Yeah. They're going to, in front of the fucking Supreme Court. The first thing that I thought I was like, I was he, who filmed this? And then it ends up being like, their buddy was the one who,

film it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? They're trying to put it on him too. If you didn't do anything wrong, then why the minute you shot that dude did your buddy go, I'm done recording? Yeah. Oh, fuck. He didn't roll the tape. He was like, uh-oh. Oh, fuck. Yeah. You know he fucking deleted that shit too, because that shit happened in February.

And they just now got it. Oh, my God. That's the fucking cream of the crop for fucking white people, white people outrage. You know what I mean? Like, people like, oh, my God. I can't believe this happened. That was fucking motherfucking. ago, where were you? You know what I mean? Right, yeah.

It's just now surfacing, which is so fuck. My voice got so raspy in the last couple of years, dude. I'll just like, I'll come home from like a, like a long week in doing shows. I'm like, hey, what's going on? What's up? Scareing the shit out of my daughter. I call out. I just like, who is this?

Come to daddy. I love you. Give you a hug. I'll be there at seven. I can't wait to hear you. You got a serious rasping. And, you know, it's nice to hear a comedian with a solid rasp because you don't really hear that too much nowadays.

People are taking care of themselves. Because they're soft. Yeah, they're soft, and they're not a total train wreck like you. Oh, my God. I don't even, like, train wreck, maybe. You know what I mean? Like, a small train. Like, if the kid's train at the mall.

That's the train wrecked. The train wrecked at Largo Park. Yeah, yeah, that one. If that one fucked up, maybe, like, a kid lost a foot, that's my life. I'm not, like, full-on fucking, oh my God, like 80, like 80s died. Like, like 80s died in the mountain because it's fucking train roller club. Yeah, it was like a little train. Yeah, the little train.

Yeah, you sit on. it's like a wagon on the train track. Like if that dude has one too many fucking Natty lights. I'm too fat and drunk for this little train. I had one too many co-kitos. It was Christmas time. Looking at the lights. I knocked it over.

I'm high on cocaine. I'll get right back up. I'll catch up. Dude, comedy's gotten so soft. Like, I'll be at a comedy club and like, like, I'll go out and like, oh my God, you smoke? I'm like, ugh. You fuck. Like, I'm a piece of shit because I smoke now.

Like, I love going to, like, shows and, like, bars where you can. like still smoking. Me too. Like, oh, God. Those are my favorite, but that's why I like the whiskey. You sit in there all night smoke cigarettes and drink beer and fucking watch titty. Time out. Time out. You get closed right now.

Oh, God. They, like, it looks nicer than it used to be. It is. They've remodeled it a little bit. You got kicked out of there one night. I only know what I did. There's probably something stupid. How do you get kicked out of time out?

You get wild. Sometimes the night gets wild. Yeah, Luke, you should know Mr. Rap video. things get out of hand. You know, sometimes the night gets a little wild. Sometimes you just bust into rap video and throw it a whole coconut up. Sometimes things happen and you end up on Bay News 9.

We got kicked out of Applebee's. I used to live across the one on, across the truth of the one on Brian Derry. And it's just drunk at Applebyes because, like, you'd run out of booze or you'd want, like, wanton tacos. You know what I mean? That was the only reasons that you would. walk and it was like four doors down so like you'd end up over and I was just that Applebee's like just pissed drunk with my body

and you're sitting at the bar so like I'm a barfly person I like the bar I forget that I'm in an Applebee's I'm just drinking in a bar yeah it's like bullshit about whatever and just fucking pack and light a cigarette and like sit okay I get an ashtray get the fuck out you're in a half I'm sorry I thought was a bar you can't smoke in here

I like bars you can still fucking smoking and drinking yeah those are the Good bars. Yeah, dude. If you're gonna go to a bar, you might as well smoke a cigarette. Fucking plumes, dude. Not a fan of the smoky bars anymore. Oh, man.

That's why I love this. I've had a taste of the unsmoky bars, so I need, like, the not smoky bars. It's like, it's nice waking up the next day and not smelling like shit. Excuse me. Well, dude, thank you so much for doing this. This is a fucking killer podcast. Thanks for hanging and listen to some shit. Fuck, yeah, dude, you're a funny motherfucker.

Yeah, that's weird. Next time we do this, you're going to, hopefully you can bring a tattoo gun and do some tattoos on. It's a machine. Yeah. Next time. It is a machine. It's a machine. We'll come to you.

We'll do a stick and poke on a podcast. Dude, I'm down. Only do stick and poke. Yeah. Stick and poke. Oh, man. This sounds crazy.

Yeah, let's do that. Do you have any sticking post tattoos? Prison tattoos. No, I don't. I have some awful ones, but they're all done the right way. What's the worst tattoo you have?

Dude, that fucking 666. Show the 666 one for the camera. The junction 666. Yeah. The old fucking Tom Stewart Causeway. That one's sick. Like worst tattoo? Like,

taste-wise or just though? That you have? Like, what's your... Like, tasteless, like awful? I don't know. Maybe it was... What's you look at you and like, man, I shouldn't have got that fucking tattoo.

I have a tribal tattoo on the outside of my fucking... Ooh. 16, yeah. Damn. I fucking hate that thing. I think that's the only reason I don't take care of myself because I'm like, if I don't, I'm gonna lose that foot to diabetes anyway,

and then that tattoo's gone. As soon as I get diabetes bad enough to lose that foot. Cut that fuck her off. What if it happens is the other foot. Oh, that's fucking hair. That's not part of the plan. Bring on the ho-hoes in the chair, bro. What's the best one you got?

What's your favorite tattoo you got? I don't know, man. It's like a weird. It's kind of like... It's a stupid question, right? Yeah, no, it's like one of them. It's like, I didn't have time to really think about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tattoes out of my kid. I fucking love, dude. Yeah. I have a jalapeno on my ankle that has a banner that says... That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about. That's the one I'm talking about. Yeah, yeah.

That would fucks. Yeah. Yeah. She's got a narwhal with a laser beam shooter on its head that says, Poo Poo Poo. That's amazing. Really stupid. I just painted a narwhal snake the other day.

Oh, that's just fucking rad. I think the worst thing that I probably ever got, dude. I got I love tits tattooed on my ass. But it's like an eye, a heart, and like two straight 70s porno, like fucking banana tini. Because my mom was like, when are you going to get something that means something? And I was, here you go. Drong. I got something I'll love forever.

I was like, Tennis! Fuck yeah. She's a great lady. Yeah, thanks for her. Shout to mine. Fuck yeah, man. Can't wait to do this again

at the tattoo shop. Yeah, come by with you guys. Fuck yeah.