Dark History - 143: The Joanie Awards! The only award show where everyone is dead | Dark History

Episode Date: September 4, 2024

Hi friends, happy Wednesday!  How the *HELL* are we at *ANOTHER* Joanie’s episode already?! I feel like we *JUST* did the last one… like… a week ago. Anyway… I’m so excited. I *LOVE* the Joanies. It’s just such a fun way to recap the season, revisit my favorite episodes and brush up on some wild cocktail facts that you may have forgotten about. I appreciate you for coming by, and tune in next week for more Dark History. Want some cool Bailey Merch? Shop Dark History Merch: https://www.baileysarian.com _______ You can find the Dark History podcast on Apple, Spotify, wherever you listen to your podcasts, and every Thursday here on my YouTube for the visual side of things. Apple Podcast- https://www.apple.co/darkhistory Dark History Merch-  https://www.baileysarian.com _______ FOLLOW ME AROUND  Tik Tok: https://bit.ly/3e3jL9v Instagram: http://bit.ly/2nbO4PR Facebook: http://bit.ly/2mdZtK6 Twitter: http://bit.ly/2yT4BLV Pinterest: http://bit.ly/2mVpXnY Youtube: http://bit.ly/1HGw3Og Snapchat: https://bit.ly/3cC0V9d Discord: https://discord.gg/BaileySarian RECOMMEND A STORY HERE: [e-mail]  Business Related Emails: [e-mail] Business Related Mail:  Bailey Sarian  4400 W. Riverside Dr., Ste 110-300  Burbank, CA 91505 _______ Go to https://www.Zocdoc.com/DARKHISTORY and download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Then find and book a top-rated doctor today.  Right now, Hungryroot is offering Dark History listeners 40% off your first delivery and free veggies for life. Just go to https://www.Hungryroot.com/DARKHISTORY, to get 40% off your first delivery and get your free veggies. Start your free online visit today at https://www.forhers.com/DARKHISTORY for your personalized weight loss treatment options. Hers Weight Loss includes compounded products which are not approved nor verified for safety or effectiveness by FDA. Prescription products require a provider consultation. Restrictions apply. Actual price to customer will depend on product and subscription plan purchase. Personal styling for everyone—get started today at https://www.StitchFix.com/darkhistory. 

Good evening, ladies, gentlemen, and curious cats. Welcome to the 2024 Joanie Awards. Please welcome our queen of the dark, mother of the macabre, the woman who is unafraid to dance with the devil's lettuce, your host, Bailey Sarian. Hi, hi. Hello, everyone. Hi, hi. How's it going? How the hell are we at another Joni's episode already?

I feel like we just did one like a week ago. Anyway, it doesn't matter. I'm so excited. I love the Joni's. Look, it's been such a fun way to recap the season, revisit my favorite episodes, and brush up on some wild cocktail facts that you may have forgotten about.

If you don't know, hi, my name is Bailey Sarian and I'd like to welcome you to my podcast, Dark History. Before we get into it, don't forget to like and subscribe because I come out with that hot, juicy history goss every week. And let me know what you think. I love hearing from you in the comments section down below. Now let's get into it, shall we?

Thank you. Hey, let's see who we have here in the audience today. Hey, Brian, can we bring up the house lights so I can see? Okay, great. Oh my God, you guys all look so good. Oh my God, look, we have Rasputin here. Looking stinky as ever. Hey, I can smell you from up here.

Love that. Oh, oh, put the energy drink down, okay? Your eyes are scaring everyone. Okay, they're a little spooky. Yeah, you don't need any more energy. You got enough. Oh, hey, look, we have Cherami. Round of applause for Cherami.

Thank you for your service Cher and me. Even though you got one leg, you're still kicking ass. Love it. I see you're here with another war hero tonight. We have Corporal Wojtek, the cigarette eating soldier bear. Love to see that, huh? What do you smoke? Marlboro Reds? Cool. I mean talk about a power cup right here, a bird and a bear, huh?

You're gonna make some very courageous children. Hopefully with two legs. Okay. Oh, oh, oh, and look over there. We have a row of iconic ladies. Oh, we have Hedy Lamarr. Yes, Tippi Hedren, Josephine Baker, and and um, oh, is that J. Edgar Hoover? No, no, no, no, no, uh-uh. Go back to your secret porn collection and leave those women alone, hmm? Yeah. And speaking of guys who suck, there's Dracula from our Monsters episode. Hey boo, whatcha doing tonight?

Let me know. Yeah, just don't sleep too close to Sleeping Beauty, okay? She doesn't need another toxic man in her life. All right. Let's see who else there is. Oh. Ah! Ah!

What the hell was that? Calamity, Jane, were you trying to just murder me right now? Shooting me off on stage? Okay, good thing you got a bad aim. Huh, Calamity? Jeez. Put the pistol down, okay? Take a seat. You're drunk. Good thing you did that because while we're on the subject of causing chaos, I see William McCready and Edwin Forrest from our Astor Place episode. Hey!

I swear to God, if one of you throws a sheep at me... Ah! No sheep. No. Okay. Finally, I'm sweating up here. This is a lot of work, you guys. Big Bird.

Big Bird seems to show up to all of our Jonies. I love you, and you are always invited to come back. Maybe you can host next year. Yeah? Okay. Now, my heart's racing, because I just got shot at and a sheep thrown at me and it's a lot. So we do have some sponsors for this episode, which we will get into later, but here is who this episode is not brought to you by. Monsanto. Agent Orange, you glad

I didn't say Monsanto? Crickets? Alright. Dead crowd. Literally. They're all dead. Tyson is here and they are not a sponsor, which is a shame because I love chicken nuggets. But they did chicken out. And Four Loco, you know, love a Four Loco for those nights where you just need an excuse to get naked and commit a felony. Okay well all jokes aside, I just want to take a moment, take a second to thank you, the audience at home. I'm so lucky that I get to like put these episodes together for you from the lighter stories like our monsters episode to the heavier subjects like all of them, you know? It really is crazy to me that it's my job to read about history and like just tell you guys all about what I've learned

And you get to learn along with me like it's so fun, right? We learned so much this year. Like none of it is possible without your support. So truly I Appreciate you guys so much and when I say every the comments, I mean it. I'm there Liking commenting back sometimes. Yeah, I spend a little too much time reading them sometimes, but hey, it helps me feel connected to you. Because without you I wouldn't be here right now. And that's a fact. Now don't go anywhere. We give out the first Joanie Award as soon as we come back. During season three there were over 40 new episodes and along the way we met some inspiring, wild, and iconic characters who made a huge impact in their stories. And they broke through to become like standout characters.

We'll have that one family member, you know, the one who corners you and asks you all the uncomfortable questions. And sometimes you lie a little just to get through the conversation, you know? Maybe you lie a lot. But when talking to your doctor about those things like that rash that's making you paranoid or maybe your pizza habit, you shouldn't feel like you need to hide anything that rash that's making you paranoid or maybe your pizza habit you shouldn't feel like you need to hide anything and that's where ZocDoc comes in. With ZocDoc you can find and book doctors who actually listen to you and make you feel comfortable and I'm not talking about like just a handful of doctors I'm talking about tens of thousands of top rated patient-reviewed

credible doctors and specialists. Yeah, period. That's my favorite part about ZocDoc. Plus they have tons of doctors available for like whatever your medical need is. The best part though, ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search, compare and instantly book appointments near you.

I've been using ZocDoc for years. I love knowing that I could just do everything through the app and I don't have to pick up the phone and like call a doctor's office to make an appointment and go through that whole awkward ordeal. And sometimes you can even score same day appointments on ZocDoc with typical wait times between 24 to 72 hours. I know.

So don't settle when it comes to your health. Head over to ZocDoc and find the right doctor for you today. Download the ZocDoc app now or visit zocdoc.com to get started. Just go to zocdoc.com slash dark history and download the ZocDoc app for free. Then find and book a top rated doctor today. That's ZocDoc.com slash dark history. ZocDoc.com slash dark history. The first nominee for breakthrough character of the year is Hedy Lamarr from the dark history of Hedy Lamarr. Hedy was an incredible mix of beauty and brains. After escaping her marriage to a Nazi weapons dealer,

Hedy became a major Hollywood bombshell. She was known for her sleek jet black hair, piercing green eyes, and this captivating smile. Now despite these good looks, she became more known for having a spicy onscreen orgasm in a movie called Ecstasy. But there was so much more to Hetty than her performance on the silver screen. Behind the scenes, Hetty was a scientific genius. During World War II, she helped

invent a technology to prevent torpedoes from being jammed by the Germans. This invention became the foundation for some modern tech you may know today. A few little things called WiFi, Bluetooth, and GPS. We'd be lost without it, huh? But at the time, the American government seized her idea calling it the property of enemy alien. Well, yeah, because she wasn't like a full citizen yet. Hedy didn't receive one cent for this invention in her lifetime, but thankfully in 2014 she was

inducted into the National Inventors Hall of Fame. Good for you, Miss Lamar! Our next nominee for Breakthrough Character of the Year is Cher Ami from the Dark History of Pigeons episode. Ah, I love Cher Ami. Break out the box of tissues because the story of Cher Ami will make even the hardest of criminals shed a patriotic tear. Cher Ami was a heroic pigeon

who became a legend during World War I. The year was 1918 and the American 77th Infantry Division was trapped behind enemy lines. A battle was raging all around them and they had no way to get out. So the head of the infantry ties a message to Cherie's leg and off he flies. Cherie is dodging bullets right and left and then suddenly he's hit in the chest. The bird goes down. Oh god. Just when all seems lost, Cherie gets up and takes to the chest. The bird goes down. Oh, God.

Just when all seems lost, Cherie gets up and takes to the sky. Against all odds, this incredible bird flies 25 miles in just 25 minutes to deliver the message about the location of the trapped soldiers. Because of this pigeon's bravery, 194 soldiers survived, but Cherie barely made it out. Because of his wounds in battle, the army had to amputate Cherie's right leg. He lived for a few more months, but Cherie died and then his body was preserved in the Smithsonian Museum. Woo! I love you, Bird! Okay. And our

final nominee for Breakthrough Character of the Year is William Dalton Mann from The Dark History of Gossip. Before William Dalton Mann became the inventor of American celebrity gossip, he started as a soldier in the Civil War, eventually becoming a colonel for the Union Army. But this crusty colonel became notorious when he started publishing juicy gossip about the wealthy and elite of New York society. Colonel Mann was very good at digging up dirt and wasn't afraid to use it. He would find out scandalous or embarrassing things about important people and say he would happily keep the story out of his paper for a price. This strategy of journalism was called blackmail. Congratulations you did it.

Now of course people both feared and hated him for this and the slimeball paved the way for the celebrity gossip industry that we are all addicted to today. Without William Dalton man there would be no National Enquirer, Perez Hilton, TMZ, TikTok videos about scandalous scams, you know? They really owe him everything. So the Joanie for Breakthrough Character of the Year goes to... Thank you so much. Let me get my letter opener. Ah, okay, who do you think is going to win? I'm very excited. Okay, breakthrough character of the year award goes to Cherami from our pigeons episode. Yay!

Oh my god, I love Cherami. It's kind of sucks that like a pigeon kind of like reigned over everyone that we talked about this year, but good for Cherami. Yay! Cherami, Cherami, Cherami. I'm sweating. That was spicy. And we do have an honorable mention for breakthrough character of the year.

Well, yes we do. Hold your horses. In our energy drinks episode, we discovered that a bunch of college bros invented for Loco after mixing up energy drinks and booze. After some experimenting, they perfected the recipe by adding enough ingredients to give it the strength of six beers, one espresso shot, and one Red Bull. Party.

Before the next award, let's check in with Joan and Paul. Joan, who are you wearing? Ah, ah! Wow. I mean, you do look fabulous. Is that hot glue? glue? Good for you. Did you do that yourself? You look gorgeous. And Paul. All right. Paul, who are you dressed as? Is it Marilyn or just a normal Saturday night? Let us know. I love the dress on you. You look good in white. I like the low cut on you because you can see a little bit of the cleave,

but not too much. Like it's very sophisticated. I mean, normally you're just naked. So this is actually kind of refreshing. You look gorgeous. I love that you tried to do your hair too. Great job you guys. Oh, who am I wearing?

I'm wearing the same shirt as last year, but don't tell anyone. Only you know. Okay, great. Ah! Now friends, here is a new segment I am very excited about. It's time for a little quiz. Oh yes, there will be four questions.

Who doesn't love a quiz? A dark history quiz, come on, that's fun. Now here is question number one, and you better answer it correctly or I'm gonna fire you. What famous historical object is currently on display in an international museum of erotica? Is it Frank Sinatra's unreleased porno? In our episode on former FBI director, J. Edgar Hoover,

we learned that he gathered the largest collection of celebrity porn on the planet, all in the name of government security, of course. Allegedly part of that collection was a porno of none other than Old Blue Eyes himself, Frank Sinatra. Or is it Rasputin's monster penis? In our episode on the infamous Russian wizard Rasputin, we found out that Rasputin's murderer made sure to take home a little souvenir. Rasputin's gigantic dick. Yes, legend has it. It was sliced right off after he was shot dead. Now I guess I heard that this thing

allegedly is like 12 to 13 inches. Whoa. Now some say this is actually a cow dick, but I say whatever helps you sleep at night. Alleg some say this is actually a cow dick, but I say whatever helps you sleep at night. Allegedly it was preserved in a jar for decades, just like pickles. And then our third option, a naked Furby. In our episode on Beanie Babies versus Furby, we learned that Furbies, that talking animal thing from the 2000s, was actually invented by a man who lives off the grid in the middle of the woods. The inventor also admitted that if he was a child,

the first thing he would do to a Furby was strip all its fur off, leaving it naked, hot. Find out the correct answer to this quiz when we come back. The best part about watching the Joanie Awards is figuring out what kind of snacks am I going to eat during the show. I love snacks. So today I brought the almond chickpea cookie dough

that I got from Hungry Root. Did I eat it raw? Maybe, I don't know. Who's asking? Hungry Root is a personalized grocery service that makes it easy to eat healthy. They send you fresh, high quality groceries, simple delicious recipes, and essential supplements.

It's like having someone else do all the planning and shopping for you. I mean, I've tried a lot of different ways to eat healthier. I take out meal kits, you name it, I've done it, but things haven't stuck until I gave Hungry Root a shot. My last delivery came packed with delicious fresh groceries to make refried beans and goat cheese tostadas. Let me tell you, it was delicious. Plus they gave me healthy snacks like cuties. Everyone loves a cutie, come on. Fresh cut strawberries, blueberry muffins.

My mouth is watering. Good, it's good. So it's like no more stressing about what's for dinner or like making last minute grocery runs because Hungry Root has you covered. They really get to know your preferences too. So whether you're gluten-free, vegan, or just trying to eat a little cleaner,

they'll pull the best food for you. If you're ready to spend less time worrying about meals and more time doing what you love, give Hungry Root a try. Head over to HungryRoot.com and start your healthy eating journey today. You won't regret it. Right now Hungry Root is offering dark history listeners 40% off your first delivery and free veggies for life. Just go to hungryroot.com slash dark history to get 40% off your first delivery and get your free veggies. That's hungryroot.com slash dark history. Don't forget to use our link so they know that we sent you. Welcome back friends! So what famous historical object is currently on display in an international museum of erotica? Was it Frank Sinatra's unreleased porno, Rasputin's monster wang, or a naked Furby?

If you picked choice B, Rasputin's monster picklele Penis. You are correct. Congratulations. You can actually still go see it on display. Take pictures and send it to me. For research purposes. Anywho, the next category is the most shocking reveal of Dark History Season 3. Now we know this show is filled with like twists and turns, but these shocking reveals are one that honestly kept us all up at night. Yeah. The nominees are Women Who Give Birth on Their Back Because of a Horny King and our Child Birth episode we explored the weird painful and just plain horrifying origins of childbirth. We learned that giving birth on your back is unnatural. So why do so many people do it?

Well, the answer is because of one very horny king, King Louis XIV. He was a king with a very particular kink, watching women give birth. So his doctors forced women to lay on their back, spread eagle so the king could get a show. The next nominee for most shocking reveal, segregated proms happened until 2013. Yeah. In our episodes on debutante balls, we found out King

George III of England had a reputation for being cheap. So to fix that, he wanted to throw his wife, Queen Charlotte, an over-the-top birthday party. And this became the first debutante ball in 1780. So debutante balls were essentially events for wealthy people to network and find wives. But prom took off in America in the mid 1900s because they were considered democratic debutante balls, meaning that they were meant

for everyone. Or they were supposed to be for everyone. Even though segregation in schools was outlawed in 1954, segregated proms continued for years. Wilcox County High School in Georgia didn't have their first integrated prom for all students until April 27th, 2013. for all students until April 27th, 2013. Huh? Yeah, just 11 years ago. What the fuck? The final nominee is the mass graves of the fallen women from our Magdalene Laundries episode.

Super dark, huh? In 1995, an Irish property developer found a mass grave of over 155 women under a local Catholic church. And this blew open a huge scandal that had been secretly happening in Ireland for decades. Women who had been shunned from society were being sent to a woman's prison run by the church called the Magdalene Laundries.

There they were being worked, starved, and even tortured to death. Wow, which one is gonna win, huh? Shhh! Ah! Ah! The Joanie for Most Shocking Reveal goes to... Yeah! Hehehehehehe! Hehehehehehe!

Okay, whoo! Whoo! Most Shocking Reveal Award goes to... Sorry, it's not funny, it's just like, it's pretty dark. The Mass Grave of the Fallen Women, Magdalene Laundries. I mean, that was a pretty shocking reveal. I think we can all agree on that, huh? How did we come back from that?

I don't know. And an honorable mention for most shocking reveal goes to Fred Hampton, a civil rights leader who we learned about in our Cointel Pro episode. Fred was shot and killed in cold blood by the FBI in 1969 and everyone should really know this story. Okay friends, time for another question for the quiz. Quiz quiz quiz quiz quiz. Okay you ready? Question. In a study, it was proven that more people recognized this logo more than the Christian cross.

What is the logo? Is it the Disney castle? This year, we just had to do a part two to the dark history of Disney. And in it, we learned the truly awful origin story of Rapunzel. Rapunzel was locked away in a tower by her father after refusing to play by his rules and later beheaded for renouncing paganism and embracing Jesus Christ. The next option is the McDonald's Golden Arches. In our episode on the

origins of fast food, we learned how a humble milkshake and burger shop became the largest fast food chain in the world, literally rewiring our brains to create junk food and sell our souls for a few McNuckets. The last option is the Starbucks Mermaid. In our episode on Starbucks, we learned that the original Starbucks mermaid logo had two tails, a great set of titties, and a fantastic bush. Bring her back, bring her back. The answer when we return.

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which are not approved nor verified for safety or effectiveness by FDA. Prescription products require a provider consultation, restrictions apply, actual price to customer will depend on product and subscription plan purchase. So which logo is more recognizable than the cross Christ died on for your sins? Was it the Disney Castle, the McDonald's Golden Arches, or the Starbucks Mermaid? The answer is, according to a survey of thousands of people in six different countries,

McDonald's Golden Arches. Yeah, 88% of people recognize the McDonald's Golden Arches. Yeah, 88% of people recognize the McDonald's Golden Arches and only 54% recognize the Christian Cross. God bless America. This next category up is the Business Bitch of the Year Award, honoring the badasses who paved the way for women everywhere. The nominees are Mary Ellen Pleasant. Mary Ellen Pleasant got her very own episode this season because she overcame one obstacle

after another. Racism, death threats, smelly old men coming for her money. And despite all that, Mary created an empire through smart real estate and business decisions and gave back to the black community every step along the way. Esther Howland. Do you remember her? Me neither, I forgot. But we learned about Miss Esther Howland in her Valentine's Day episode. Now Esther, she had a weird experience that changed her life forever. One day while working at her family store, her dad's business associate walked up to her and handed her a lacy valentine from England. Instead of freaking out or punching him in the face for being weird, Esther decided to take this valentine, add a little flair to it, and sell them. She was one of the first people to commercialize Valentine's Day, an industry that now, partially

thanks to her, is worth billions of dollars. I mean, the Hallmark Company owes her everything. Josephine Baker. Miss Josephine Baker had not one, but two episodes dedicated to her this season because she had such an epic life, right? Yep.

After a difficult childhood, she moved to the big city and danced her way into the hearts of big time producers in Paris. When she got to Paris, she was an instant celebrity. Instead of partying her life away, she turned her onstage persona into an iconic brand of costumes, beauty products, makeup, and even Barbies. She spent the last half of her life fighting the Nazis and fighting for civil rights. Skeleton arm, where are you? It's your cue! And the Joni for Business Bitch of the Year goes to... That's right.

Pay attention. The fire skeleton arm. The people are waiting. Okay, hold on. I need glasses. Okay. Got it. Business Bitch of the Year award goes to Mary Ellen Pleasant

from a Mary Ellen Pleasant episode. Woo! Sweatin'. Mary Ellen Pleasant was actually a pretty badass, so checks out. Woo! I'm sweating. Mary Ellen Pleasant was actually pretty badass, so checks out. And a quick honorable mention for Business Bitch of the Year goes to Miss Tippi Hedren from our Nail Salons episode. Do you remember? No?

Well, let me tell you. Tippi used her power and privilege to help thousands of Vietnamese refugees learn the art of the manicure, helping empower thousands of men and women looking to start over. And she got attacked by birds. Our next quiz question comes from our Founding Fathers episode. Whoa, we're going back. Do you remember anything from that episode? Me neither. But we did learn some wild stuff about the men who used to run our country. You know, including their kinks and the skeletons in their closet. We even debunked some myths about these guys

that turned out to be just straight up lies. Like the whole cherry tree story about George Washington confessing to his papa. Papa, no, I cannot tell a lie. It was fake. And it turns out there's more where that came from. So without further ado, I present to you two truths and a lie. Founding Fathers Edition. Question. Which of these statements is false? A. Thomas

Jefferson was a foodie and thanks to him serving this food in the White House things like ice cream pasta and mac and cheese became popular in the United States. B. Benjamin Franklin invented electricity by flying a kite during a lightning storm. High risk, high reward I guess, huh? C. George Washington was obsessed with dogs and had over 50 of them in his lifetime. And this obsession with dogs led him to inventing his own breed, the American Foxhound. The answer when we come back from the break. Unpopular opinion alert. I hate shopping.

Ah, yes. When I had to go like shop for the Jonies, I was getting really frustrated. I ended up wearing the same thing as last year. Don't tell anyone. Paul and Joan, you know, they had more luck than I did. Actually, Paul has a little bit of a shopping problem. I have the opposite problem. Stores never seem to have the style I like, and when they do, it's like, you know, they never have the size I want in stock. Plus, if I do drag myself to the store and try stuff on, it's humbling. You can't tell me

that horrible dressing room lighting isn't a personal attack. It is. It's always over top and you're like, ew, what? Is that what it looked like from behind? Have you ever gotten to those stores with the mirrors that are all around and you're like, I don't need to see that. There's a reason I can't see back there. I don't need to. Shopping, huh? It can be a disaster. This is why I love Stitch Fix. With Stitch Fix, you get a stylist who understands your style, size, and budget, plus they do all the shopping for you. I mean it could be also overwhelming when it comes to getting dressed. Don't know where to start, you know, but that's why I love having a Stitch Fix stylist.

I mean, they really get to know what works for me. I get pieces that make me feel good and compliment my all-black aesthetic. All you have to do is give your stylist your size, style, and budget preferences, then order boxes when you want and how you want. There's no subscription required. Plus, they send just for you pieces, outfit

recommendations, and styling tips. Keep what you love and then send back the rest. It's so easy. No stores, no crowds, no stress. Just personalized looks that you will love. Stitch Fix, they make it all so easy. Personal styling for everyone. Get started today at stitchfix.com slash dark history. That's stitchfix.com slash dark history. Could you guess what the lie was? Drum roll please. Hey, okay, it was B. Benjamin Franklin inventing electricity.

Oh, what? Yeah, fake news. Sorry about that. Which means that Thomas Jefferson was indeed a foodie with an ice cream obsession, and George Washington loved dogs. I mean, I can relate to both. At any given time,

Georgie had 30 dogs, and his favorite was named Sweet Lips. Hey, Sweet Lips. Hey, Sweet Lips. Our next category celebrates those moments in dark history that just leave you wondering, um, whose idea was that? And most importantly, what the hell were they thinking? Now, if I had a nickel for every time someone

makes a questionable decision on dark history and like horrible things happen as a result, I would quit this show and just buy all the limited edition Princess Diana beanie babies and just like lay in my spa butt naked and live my life. You know? Which is a great decision compared to the choices these people made. Up next is the What the Hell Were They Thinking award. The first nominee is Ted Kennedy and the Chappaquiddick incident from our Kennedys episode. The Kennedys are one of those families that have terrible luck.

Bad things happen to them, you know? But every once in a while, even a Kennedy screws up and makes a bad call. Back in the summer of 1969, Ted Kennedy made a series of bad calls on a little island in New England called Chappaquiddick. Not only did Ted drink and drive, but he drove straight off a bridge with a girl in the car, who sadly ended up drowning.

Messed up. When Ted realized he couldn't save her, he did what any innocent man would do. He swam home and fled the scene. And then he pretended that the whole thing never happened. What the hell, Ted? The second nominee is NASA and Morton Thiokalp in our episode on the Challenger disaster.

Now, if you remember the Challenger disaster, it's time to invest and in eye cream, you're tired, we're getting old. And if you remember our episode on the Challenger disaster, you already know it was like a bad call on top of a bad call on top of a bad call. It all started when NASA hired a company called Morton Thiokol to build the rocket boosters that would launch the shuttle itself. Okay.

Now there was a pretty big issue with something called the O-Rings that kept a tight seal on the booster. Essentially, they didn't work. But did NASA and Morton Thiokol ignore that problem? And did they send a rocket full of people up to space anyway? Including America's favorite teacher, Krista McAuliffe? You betcha. We all know what happened next, a tragedy that could have been prevented. Ugh yeah, I know NASA, what were you thinking? What were you doing?

Our final nominee for What the Hell Were They Thinking? Award is Dr. Conrad Murray from our Evil Doctors episode. In 2011, Murray was convicted of involuntary manslaughter for accidentally giving Michael Jackson a lethal dose of milk to help him sleep. Milk is what MJ called propofol, an extremely powerful drug which should definitely not be used to help you sleep. But it does help, you know what I'm saying? I don't know about you but when I'm at a melatonin I don't reach for the Propofol because I don't have a

prescription but I could if I would, you know what I'm saying? Probably the best sleep ever. Never wake up. Since Murray was a doctor he should have known this, you would think, and maybe he did, But allegedly he gave it to MJ anyway. Conrad! What were you thinking, man? And the Joni for the What the Hell Were You Thinking? Award goes to... On time! Great job! I love this. This is so fun. Let's see. Who do you think it is? Great. What the Hell Were You They you thinking award goes to Ted Kennedy.

Really? Well, I can see that. I think all of them deserve to actually win because all of them are pretty fucked up. But Ted Kennedy, no comment. Murderer. Right? Great. Friends, congratulations. You made it to the final question in the quiz.

Now, this one comes from our conjugal visits episode. Do you remember? The question is, why were conjugal visits started in America? A. To increase the population of the United States during the Vietnam draft. B. Because prisoners were making too many boner jokes. Or C. Try to stop the homosexual behavior in prisons. The answer to why conjugal visits were started in America is... C. Did you get that? I knew you would. To stop the homosexual behavior in America's prisons. I know. It's one

of those things that started for the wrong reason but then became a very meaningful right for the families and partners of inmates. And of course now they're trying to take it away. Up next is our Villain of the Year award. This is a really competitive category here at Dark History. There are just so many twisted, evil, no good, really bad people out there. I think that's what our whole show is based on, huh? Yeah. Which leads us to our first nominee. Now first up is Senator Joseph McCarthy.

You may remember him from our Lavender Scare episode. Back in the 1950s, Joseph McCarthy convinced the country that homosexuality was a threat to America. And he believed if you were gay, you were probably also a communist. He's like, that totally makes sense. So he would start rumors that people were gay communists and threatened to out them and end their careers if they didn't comply with his demands. He was a life-ruiner.

He ruined people's lives. Our next nominee is Monsanto from our episode on Monsanto. Wow, that feels like forever ago, huh? Monsanto was a big biotech company which is now owned by Bayer. Oh, they're so thriving, honey. They're trying to kill me. I know they are. I see people in black outside my house. Oh they're so thriving honey they're trying to kill me. I know they are. I see people in black outside my house. I'm like who are they Monsanto? Did they send you? Where's Nestle? I can't figure it out. They patented special seeds and then came for any farmers who didn't buy them or recycled them with a vengeance. They also invented a popular weed

killer called glyphosate, which you might actually know as its brand name, Roundup. Or by the way, it killed your favorite uncle. It's also in your Cheerios. Monsanto also developed Agent Orange, which was responsible for the deaths of thousands of Vietnamese and American troops and civilians. Boo. Our final nominee for villain of the year is, molasses. Okay, you might remember molasses

from our killer sweets episode. And if you're like me, you've been having night terrors of a giant tsunami made of liquid, hot, syrupy molasses, just chasing you ever since. Sounds kinda hot. In a freak accident in 1919, a tank of molasses exploded in Boston. Molasses is kind of like maple syrup, but much thicker.

When the tank exploded, over two million gallons of molasses gushed out at 35 miles an hour. The molasses wave crushed buildings, trapped horses, and ultimately left 21 people dead and over 150 injured. And the winner of the Joanie Award for Villain of the Year goes to... Thank you! You're so good.

Thank you so much, and might need your assistance later tonight. Just kidding. Villain of the Year goes to, you want to read that? Oh you can't read? My bad girl. Monsanto! Well deserved. They've been killing people for a really long time. Yeah. Thank you guys so much for tuning into the annual Joanie Awards and for joining me this season of Dark History. Oh, we've learned so much, haven't we? Some things I wish I just never found out about. There's a lot of things, but looking at you energy drinks, that sucks. But you know what they say? Knowledge is power. So cheers to you and

me because we are stronger and more powerful than ever before. And if you're hooked on the dark tales we uncover here on Dark History, then you'll want to tune in for our next season. Oh yes, now I don't want to give away too much but I'll give you some hints what's coming up. Now we have more murderous dictators, toxic chemicals, bad companies, unwanted addictions and naughty naughty presidents. Season 4 starts this fall and until then stay curious. Now I'd love to hear your guys's reactions to today's story So make sure to leave a comment below so I can see what you guys are saying and your comment might even be featured in

a future episode. Now, let's read a couple of comments you guys have left me. Cayman Permont 8808 said let us know how you like Seabiscuit exclamation point. You know, I haven't watched Seabiscuit yet. My dad is like really is he really wants me to watch this movie. So it's very inspiring and it's a really good movie. So I got to get on it.

Yeah, I will one day, just not today. Welcome to Canada today. Interesting screen name. Did you ever look at Paul's crotch? There's something wrong there. No, I don't know if you know this, but Paul's dead. And his crotch, it's just bones. What do you mean?

What are you talking about? I don't know what else to tell you. And what's welcome to Canada today? What? Why are you talking about? I don't know what else to tell you. And what is... what's welcome to Canada today? What? Why are you looking at Paul's crotch? Up here. Up here. Right here. Don't sexualize... oh sorry. Don't sexualize Paul. He is a lady. A really nice lady. Dariammmj2184 said, So I'm supposed to be impressed

that this woman dehydrated coke into a cube that didn't taste like coke? Dariam, I think you're talking about Hedy Lamarr. And look, I mean, you're not wrong. You should be impressed because what have you done today besides laid there on your phone watching YouTube videos and leaving comments? Huh?

Huh? You should care. She tried, Dariam. She's trying. What have you done today? Have you taken a shower yet? Okay. Thank you. Luna Sheehan said, okay, I think I can say for a lot of us, you were there through some hard times slash years. So for me it's been four slash five years so now you're family and you're stuck with me. Oh my god Luna thank you so much that's really nice of you. I appreciate you so much for being around and like listening and invite me over for dinner sometime. I'd come. I'm really excited for next season and I hope you stick around too but like you know maybe uh where's my invite? I want to come over let me come over I love you guys for

watching and I love you guys so much for engaging and commenting and just being around it's been quite the year huh so uh keep on commenting because maybe you'll be featured in a future episode and hey if you don't know dark history is an audio boom original and I I wanna give one final thank you to all the episode experts who double and triple checked our work this year. Now without you, I'd be getting shit wrong. And don't you forget it, I'm your host, Bailey Sarian.

But go by, have a good day, make good choices, and I'll see you next season. Goodbye. ["Sweet Homework"]