Dark History - 191: Chaos, Bloopers, and the most unhinged things Bailey said all year!

Episode Date: December 3, 2025

Hi, friends! Happy Wednesday! Welcome to the fourth... and maybe final... Joanie Awards. Tear. But don't be sad that it might be over... be happy because it all happened. After a season jam packed with horny nuns, rogue presidents, cursed statues, disastrous love lives (ancient AND modern), Britney impressions and some evil, shedding mittens… we’re closing things out with a bang. In this special Dark History finale... me, Joan, and Paul roll out the red carpet to honor the best, the messiest, and the most unhinged moments of Season Four. I'm talking iconic costumes, surprise musical numbers, historic divas, cursed inventions, Vegas chaos, medical nightmares, and impressions that are so bad... they're good.  Plus, I pull back the curtain with some never-before-seen clips, behind-the-scenes moments, and fan comments that sent me into full spirals. It’s chaotic, it’s heartfelt, it’s ridiculous… it’s The Joanies, babe. Will this be the last one ever? I honestly don't know. But if it is... we’re going out in true Dark History fashion: curious, laughing, learning, oversharing, and maybe questioning our life choices just a little bit. Seriously, thank you so much for tuning in all season. Without you, I would not be here. xo Bailey ________ FOLLOW ME AROUND Tik Tok: https://bit.ly/3e3jL9v Instagram: http://bit.ly/2nbO4PR Facebook: http://bit.ly/2mdZtK6 Twitter: http://bit.ly/2yT4BLV Pinterest: http://bit.ly/2mVpXnY Youtube: http://bit.ly/1HGw3Og Goodreads: http://bit.ly/3IVnO7N Snapchat: https://bit.ly/3cC0V9d Discord: https://discord.gg/BaileySarian RECOMMEND A STORY HERE: [e-mail] Business Related Emails: [e-mail] Business Related Mail: Bailey Sarian 4400 W. Riverside Dr., Ste 110-300 Burbank, CA 91505 ________ This podcast is Executive Produced by: Bailey Sarian and Joey Scavuzzo Head Writer: Allyson Philobos Senior Writer: Katie Burris Director: Brian Jaggers Additional Editing: Julien Perez & Maria Norris Hair: Angel Gonzalez Makeup: Roni Herrera ________ Don't wait for debt to strike again; break free in 30 seconds. Get your free, personalized assessment and the best option for you at PDSDebt.com/DARKHISTORY. That's PDSdebt.com/DARKHISTORY. The best way to cook just got better. Go to HelloFresh.com/DARKHISTORY10FM now to Get 10 Free Meals + a Free breakfast for Life! One per box with active subscription. Free meals applied as discount on first box, new subscribers only, varies by plan. Shop my favorite pajamas at SKIMS.com. After you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you! Select "podcast" in the survey and be sure to select our show in the dropdown menu that follows. And if you’re looking for the perfect gifts for everyone on your list - the SKIMS Holiday Shop is now open at SKIMS.com. Stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to Zocdoc.com/DARKHISTORY to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today. That’s Zocdoc.com/DARKHISTORY. ________

This podcast is supported by The Real Real. You know what I love most about the holidays? Giving gifts. But not just any gifts. Real gifts. Thoughtful gifts. Oh my God. How did you know gifts?

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From sex lives of eunuchs to horny nuns to something called teapot dome, which turns out was not a sex position. We even shined a light on some shady corporations like Walmart and discovered the weird origins of vaping. And I burped a lot. A lot, like 5,000 times. So to honor our best and worst moments, Paul Joan, and I have put together a really special episode for you tonight. We've gathered some of our favorite moments,

including some never-before-seen behind-the-scenes footage. Oh, yeah. Welcome to the Jonies. Wow, Joan, you look incredible. We really do, though. Joan is wearing, what would you call this? Is this a tutu? Joan looks incredible.

She's got beautiful hair, wonderful blowout, and a divine dress. And Paul looks great. Paul, you clean up nice. You should dress like that more often. And I just threw on whatever I had. Okay. Our first award has nothing to do with Joan and Paul. Joan and Paul, and has everything to do with me.

Okay? It's okay, Paul. It's all right. I'm sure you'll win an award today. It has to do with singing. Yeah, come on, you know I love a good song. I made up my own theme song from Murder Mystery and Makeup. Sana shah, shana, shanah, shanah, shanah, chach, chah, shanah.

And even though I didn't have the opportunity to do that with Dark History, I still find a way to break out and see. a way to break out in song several times a season, even though no one asked. This is the Triple Threat Award for Musical Excellence. The nominees are Vampires. Remember Jojo, the singer? Get out or right now, you and me.

Thank you. I hit those notes. Eartha Kit. I'd be like Hilary Duff. This is what dreams are made of. Earth a Kit, again. Santa Baby. Ashupah, doba, doba, doba, do da. You know, let me know if I should go on tour. I could do it.

Yeah. I got lyrics. The making of the Wizard of Oz. Somewhere over the rainbow, asbestos sky. Let me know down below if I should put out a christop sky. if I should put out a Christmas album. I'm not against that. I don't know.

Honestly, watching that, oh, I want to rip my skin off. Sometimes I'm just like, Bailey, why did you do that? But, you know, here I am. Anyhow, so, um, really difficult category. I know, I know. Kind of rooting for Hillary Duff here. But the winner is the Dark History of Earth a Kit. Yeah, wow.

Who knew that Santa Baby was specifically written for Earth a Kit? Eartha Kit. I mean, that fits her voice perfectly. It all makes sense. Listen, the Earth A Kit episode was a roller coaster. Going from a traumatic childhood to becoming a gifted musician and dancer in her teen years, to becoming a famous cabaret performer to most wanted Hollywood star all the way down to blacklisted actress, for no damn reason. Eventually, she was welcomed back to America and Hollywood with open arms, and she went on to become an icon for generations to come. It's crazy to think that some people only know her for Santa Baby. She was so much more.

Earth, a kit, really, it was the best. The worst part about debt is how it quietly grows, stacking interests and fees until it's just suffocating your finances. You know it's there. And yet you feel so powerless. Listen, every day you weigh, it's just getting worse. And that's when PDS debt relief steps in to save the day. PDS debt relief helps you take back control.

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Don't wait for debt to strike again. Break free in 30 seconds. Get your free personalized assessment and the best option for you at PDSdebt.com slash dark history. That's PDSdebt.com slash dark history. PDSdeat.com slash dark history. Hey, isn't I ironic how like sometimes things do not go as planned, especially when it comes to the costumes. I like to keep it real with you when things don't work out. Like I need a bra.

Okay? But listen, despite our best effort, Yeah, stuff happens. I'm talking wardrobe malfunctions. Listen, it happens to everyone. And it happens to me on camera all of the time. So without further ado, here are the nominees for

Best Wardrobe Malfunction of the Year Award. Julius Caesar. He's like, okay, I got this. Let me get on my cute little outfit. That's all I think of. I know, I was like, what's that? Well, I'm still alive? He's pissed.

Walmart Which actually is a nice call Because I got deodorant marks on my shirt Look, I hate when that happens, huh? It's the worst Now I hear if you just rub the fabric on it It will go away, but like sometimes it doesn't work Any tips?

Alaska Triangle I gotta get released things If you're watching over on YouTube I have to let the mittens go They are releasing fluff in every It's up my nose. It's in my mouth. It's in my eye. I'm so sorry. You know, I was committed to the idea, but I have to let it go. Okay, thank you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, mittens. It was a terrible idea. I'm giving those mittens one-star review.

Okay, okay, all right, all right. It's not coming off. Okay. Hold on. I have a feeling it's going to be Alaska Triangle because those mittens really ruined my day. Gosh, it was a lot. There was everywhere. The fluff, and I did indeed give it one star review on Amazon.

So there, I showed those mittens, okay? What was the other ones? Oh, deodorant. I always have deodorant on my shirt. Geez. Thanks for all the tips in the comments section. Greatly appreciated. So far none of them worked, but I tried.

The winner is the Dark History of the Alaska Triangle. Yes, yes. Listen, I saw the comments and everyone was like, I love this, it's like ASMR. I was like, okay, maybe I should do an ASMR channel now, huh? Just all, what was that called? What was it called? Lint rolling, yeah, I can just do that.

You know, we weren't really sure if we should keep my mittens shedding everywhere in, like, the final edit, but I'm glad we did. So you know what? Worth it, okay? Listen, I knew the Alaska Triangle episode was going to be wild. I honestly wasn't expecting there to be like so many disappearances, conspiracy theories about weather control, underground pyramids that keep me up at night. And, you know, maybe, yeah, I was a little aroused by Otterman. Could you blame me? No, still thinking about it from time to time.

I would say I'm working through it, but I'm really not. I'm thinking about it. Anyhow, this next award is one of the ones that I'm most excited about. What's that? No, it has nothing to do with alcohol, Joan. Oh my God. You know she loves a drink, a little too much. Geez.

Anyway, so listen, you guys know me. I can't help myself. If I come across like an interesting character, I have to act it out. I am an actor, an actress. A singer, songwriter. Wow, I really do everything, don't I? I'm method. Yeah.

Look, it just happens. Something takes over my body, and I have to do it. Without further ado, the nominees for the Outstanding Achievement and Impressions Award. Bodybuilding. He's like, come fight my big, beefy daughter. Walmart. They had some issues. Your job.

You're asking too much. You come to me. asking for a raise to unionize the butchers. Well, I got butchers of my own. Witches who got away. So the police, they get in there, they pull back all the curtains. Oh, get on the ground.

Drop the crystal bolt now. Slap that etoblasm back in your mouth. Wench. Weird presidents. I would love to do that. I would do the same thing. Uh-oh. We're going into the river.

We're gonna die. And then like, you just freak them out. Afrodisiacs. Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get. Eartha Kit. She had the signature per that she would do in every episode. I will try and recreate it for you,

but she rolls her tongue and I can't roll my tongue. But she'd be like, br-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-ha-ha-h. I gotta Google how to, like, roll your tongue. I just never learned. Air travel. Mixed business with pleasure. Surrounded by like busty stewardesses holding like a tray of drinks.

Sorry. That scared me. I'm sorry, girl. I was just trying to be hot. I ruined it. Okay, there we go. Sorry. Mixed business with pleasure. Do you want to fly Joan air? You'll get one of us serving you your dreams. Thanks. Maybe. I will say that when I watched The Godfather, it did take over my whole personality for a while.

Man, everyone was sick of me. I was talking like the... Yeah, I could... And to this day, when I'm driving... Uh-oh! Where's the car gonna go? I still do that. Yeah.

No, okay, listen, that was fun, huh? And the winner is... Walmart! Oh, Godfather! Yeah. Listen, watching The Godfather changed my life. Abolonia, no. Abolonia.

I get it. I never saw it before. It was my first time. And I knew my Don Coralani impressions would end up in the episode. I just don't know which ones. I kind of just say it and I say, we'll see what happens, you know? And honestly, Walmart made so much sense with the Godfather impression. It was perfect, right?

Come on. Come on. It was great. Walmart, if you haven't seen it, was all about how one small company dedicated to serving the Midwest turned into a monster of a corporation, allegedly dedicated to union busting, low wages, and locking their employees in overnight. I have to say allegedly. Okay. Yeah, all those low prices came at a cost. But in this economy, most people, we know, it's hard to care. I did leave you guys with a very detailed plan on how to take down Walmart if we wanted to. So don't forget to check out that episode for that hot tip. Don't go al-a-lani. My name is Duncan Al-Lani, and I work at Walmart. He's so good. Have you ever had such a long day at work that when you get home, you open up the fridge and you're just like, you know what? I'll just have chips for dinner. I'm fine with that. I had skittles and chips last night. So I'm really talking to myself here. Yeah. Listen, after a long day, the last thing you want to do is cook.

But that's why I love Hello Fresh. Oh, yes. Hello Fresh is America's number one meal kit, and they've leveled up in every way. They've doubled their menu with 100 chef-crafted options each week. Their portions are bigger. The recipes, tastier. And the healthy options are on point. There are over 15 high-protein meal options each week. Every ingredient arrives fresh at your door, pre-measured and ready to turn your kitchen. into a stress-free flavor-packed haven. I've been using HelloFresh for years,

if you've been following me for years. You know, the difference is wild. Dinner is exciting, healthy, and fun. I use my knife, and I'm, like, chopping stuff. So if your dinners are looking like yogurt and granola or chips and Skittles or something, maybe give HelloFresh a try. It makes cooking at home easier, tastier,

and way more satisfying with HelloFresh. I use HelloFresh, and you should too. The best way to cook just got better. Go to hellofresh.com slash dark history 10 FM now to get 10 free meals plus a free breakfast for life. One per box with active subscription. Free meals applied as discount on first box. New subscribers only varies by plan. That's hellofresh.com slash dark history 10 FM to get 10 free meals plus free breakfast for life.

This next award is all about the edit. Yeah, baby. As we just talked about, I say some wild things on the show. And sometimes I like to do a little show and tell. Yeah. Shout out to our Dark History editors for making my on-screen improvs come to life. Oh, yes. And the nominees for the best improvisation of a historical object award are

witches who got away churning butter. skimming milk, milking cows, making cheese. I'm a high mate. Well, you know, that's what she was doing. Momsters. So the second Fred realizes that they release the tear gas, he starts firing. Think like Mafia movie,

because that's how it kind of freaking felt. Like just psycho. Pirates. If there's a man among ye, you'll come up and fight like the man ye We are to be, ye. And I guess no one answers, just crickets. She's like, all right, great.

If you did get caught stealing from your fellow pirate, you were going to be sentenced to death by decapitation. Julius Caesar. Caesar is shocked. He literally can't wrap his mind around what's happening right now. Before he can, like, escape, get away, he stabbed again. And then again.

So then, a politician named Brutus takes a dagger and hears the words, Finish him. And raises his arm and takes the final stab. He looks up and he says, Pizza, pizza. And that's where Little Caesar's pizza comes from. Julius Caesar, really great, huh?

Wow, I imagine that's exactly how it went down. And turning butter? Yeah. And the winner is Julius Caesar. Yeah. Listen, that was a good one. It really felt like, you know, I was there, was recreating the whole thing. The dagger was in my hand.

You know, it was very dramatic. That was a good one. I wish I could frame that. Listen, I was honestly not expecting Julius to be like such a messy, messy diva. Yeah. I mean, this man was sleeping with all of his co-workers' wives. And maybe even perhaps allegedly husbands. Oh, yeah.

Remember? And then also there was a rumor that Caesar was, you know, a catcher, receiver, a bottom. It had layers. He had layers. Yeah. He was also said to be, you know, drunk with power. He literally created a position for himself called Dictator for Life, so no one could like ever kick him out of his job. Pretty bold. Pretty bold. And, you know, as we went on, it kind of made sense why everyone wanted to maybe stop him. RIP, Caesar, you'll always be pizza, pizza to me. I do like their pizza. Have you tried Little Caesar's little, uh, what's that called? The pretzel pizza, not sponsored. So good.

This next award has to do with icons, specifically one icon. Everyone who knows me knows that I, listen, I love me some Miss Britney Jean Spares. Yeah, leave her alone. Okay, let's not talk about it. Thank you. But she's made many appearances in season four. So listen, it's not about, you know, what she's doing now. This is about my impression of her as a singer.

The nominees for the B.J. Award for Best Brittany Jean Impression are conservatorships. Oh, me, baby. How is that the phone? To now. That's something that was right here. Thank you. Las Vegas. Oh, baby, baby. How is that the phone?

No. Earth a kick. Baby, don't you want to dance up on me? Don't I'm going to do. That's what I would do. The winner for the BJ Award for Best Brittany Jean Impression is Conservatorships. Yeah. I'm sure this award was a hard decision.

And I've sung some other Britney songs, but nothing is better than the classics, right? But the dark history of conservatorships was all about how easily one person or institution can take control over your life. We talked about Wendy Williams, Francis Farmer, Britney Spears, and the state of conservatorships today. I thought I knew everything about Brittany, but honestly, I learned so much. Baby, don't you want to damp up on me. I don't know this part. Okay. Listen, and that brings me to our next award.

Ugh, as you may know, growing up, I had a speech impediment. Yeah, I did, okay? I had to go take speech therapy classes as a kid. It was very embarrassing. And listen, sometimes to this day, words can be a little tricky for me. I try.

I read a lot, but I don't get to hear the word. Leave me a... Yeah. Sometimes it's like the word just won't come out of my mouth. I don't know what it is. It's so frustrating. But listen, I get creative and I make it work. So, without further ado, here are the nominees for the Creative Prenunciation Award.

Alaska Triangle. High frequency, active auroral. Come on. High frequency, active auroral, auroral, aurial. Fertility. Turns out the urine of postmenopausal women was full of something called human menopausal gonatropal, gonotropin, gonotropin,

human menopausal, gonotropin, or HMG. Ah! Air travel, and the stewardesses, stewardesses, and the stewardess, sorry, this wasn't, why is this hard? Momsters.

Now William, he was the head of like a famous brewery in town. That's a hard one. Brewery. But he was popular. Earthquakes. Please do a dark history on... Please do a dark history on Suarez.

Listen, I see your comment, and I appreciate it. I'm having a really hard time saying Swarovski, the jewelry company. And I apologize for that. Now, right off the bat, I would love to do this episode. But the fact that I'm having a hard time saying Svarsky, Svarsky... It's not coming out. Swarish. Swah.

I'm sorry. I'm not. I'm really trying. The fact that I can't say this word is making me think that I want to do it, but how will I get around that word? Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. A lot of the times when I am filming, I will struggle on a word and then just make up a different word to fill it in because I can't say it sometimes. And there are times when it's like there is no word to fill in and move on. Like, what was that one?

The HMG one? Oh, you have no idea how long I sat here trying to get that correct. It's so hard. It's like, why did I decide to speak? Hmm? Anyhow, the winner is Alaska Triangle. Aurora. Aurora.

Aurora. Aurora. Yes. That word. All I know is that harp is doing some weird stuff with that weather over there in Alaska, and it is none of my business. My favorite part about this time of the year is sitting on the couch and doing nothing with a big cup of tea, watching a movie or a true crime documentary in my cozy pajamas, maybe some

slippers, yeah. But lately I've noticed that my favorite pair of pajamas are, they're done. They have holes in them, they are see-through, it's time to. to let them go. But that's where Skims comes in to save the day. Skim's sleep and soft lounge sets are game changers. The moment you will slip into this new set, the fabric, oh, it's so, it's soft, it's breathable, it's cozy, it moves with the body, doesn't fight you.

It's like the pajamas were made just for you, just to help you sleep better. It makes lounging feel luxurious. Skims has options for women, men, kids, and even pets, which means the whole family can get in on the comfort. I've been living in my skim's sleep set ever since it arrived. The second I get home from work, I do put them on. Yes, I do. So if your pajamas aren't giving you the cozy, relaxed vibes you deserve, skims will fix that and maybe even make holiday mornings a little more magical. Stop settling for sad sleepwear. Skims has you covered, literally. Shop my favorite pajamas at skims.com. After you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you. Select podcasts,

in the survey, and be sure to select our show in the drop-down menu that follows. And if you're looking for the perfect gifts for everyone on your list, the Skimms holiday shop is now open at skims.com. Listen, Dark History has no shortage of messy divas doing way too much. I'm lucky for us, they left a paper trail. So without further ado, hear the nominees for the Jerry Springer Award for Messiness. Nero. He looks around and he finds a young boy named Sporus.

Now, at this time, Sporos was a slave, probably a younger teenager, but if Nero squint, if he, like, squinted his eyes, he was like, you kind of look like papaya. It's crazy. According to Nero,

this little boy looked a lot like papaya. Oh, you know, he's like, whoa, I'm in love. She's still alive. So this is where he kind of takes it up. up a notch. Well, he's taking it up a lot of notches, but this is another notch that is up. He decides to have spores

castrated. Yeah. He makes him into a eunuch. I'm not making this up. It sounds fake, but it's real. He gives spores makeup, dresses, and whatever else he needs to look exactly like his dead wife. Yeah. Then,

in a full-on public ceremony, Nero marries him. Teapot Dome! his left, his left, there was a knocked over chair, there was a highball glass to his right, and a few feet away there was another body. So they walk over there. Who is it?

It was Hugh Plunkett. Ned Doheny's bestie slash personal assistant slash bribe money delivery boy slash lover, depending on who you ask. Chippendales, you'll never believe this, but Strawberry got cold feet. What? Strawberry the hitman chicken down? No way. Instead of killing people with the cyanide, Strawberry ended up going to the FBI. Ooh. Unix. But across the many cultures where Unix existed, there was a common misunderstanding that they were not sexual. This is why many of them were used as guards to protect the women of the palace. In Muslim courts, for example, Unix were created to work as

bodyguards for the king's harems. And if a eunuch were to have a secret affair with any of the women, he was supposed to be guarding, well, it was kind of like, um, it was kind of like a perfect crime because they wouldn't be able to get the woman pregnant and Bada Bing, Bada boom. Pirates. Look it around, her eyes land on Bough. 21 years old at this point. Remember Bow? The son that they stole? Yeah. He had been working along her and her husband the entire time, and he had proven. himself to be an incredible captain, pirate, and lover. That's right.

Bow and his mother were allegedly having a hot and heavy affair the whole time her husband was off traveling and dealing with other pirates. Honestly, this season was filled with a lot of like rapy dudes. Well, besides pirates, that was a woman. But still, huh? Plot twist, this whole season is about rapy dudes. You know, sometimes there's a theme. That's this theme, huh?

Anyhow, and our winner is, congratulations Nero. Emperor Nero literally takes the cake for this award because not only did he kill his wife and his mom, didn't he kill his mom? He killed everyone, but he regretted doing it so much that he found an enslaved man who kind of looked like his dead wife, put the poor boy in his dead wife's clothes, married the poor boy, and made ever be. one call them his dead wife's name. What in the I'm fucked up is that? Yeah. I used to put off doctor's visits because I didn't have hours to spend playing phone tag with like the person's doing scheduling. Right? And if I did get through, somehow I always forgot to like have the right information on hand. I'm like member ID. What's my member ID? Is that what? Huh? It's easier just to like ignore it and just not do it, right? That is. Until you,

try Zoc Doc, which you should be, because Zoc Doc is the best. If you don't know, Zocococ is a free app and website that makes finding and booking high quality in network doctors ridiculously easy. You can search from more than 100,000 doctors across every specialty, mental health, dental, primary care, urgent care, eye doctor. I need to go to see the eye doctor. You can filter by insurance, location, ratings, and even personal preferences like doctor gender language availability and then once you find the right fit you see their real appointment openings all laid out there for you and then you can instantly book it's so easy i use doc doc it's the best i love it if you're not using dock dock you should it's the best it makes

booking appointments so easy i just had to go get a pap smear god who wants to do that i know when i was like we're i don't even have a doctor so i went on zoc doc and guess what got it done check listen no more stress no more endless calls no more procrastination You can just actually see a doctor when you need one. Listen, so if you've been dodging appointments, like you know, I was, Zoc-D-D-K-D-E-E-E-E-E-C-T-E-E-E-C-D-C-T-O-C-K-T-O-C-D-C-K-T-O-C-K-T-K-T-K-T-K-T-K-T-K-T-K-T-K-T-K-L-D-RK-L-D-RK-L-D-RK-T-RECY. Now, the next award could have easily had 20 nominees. A lot of the times I say things I probably should not.

But I have so much information that it just, it spills out of me. I've lived a life. Yes, I have experiences. Is that a crime? Well, let's find out. Up next is the TMI Award for Things that Probably should not have been filmed. The nominees are Walmart. So at the store I worked at,

smash, my. I would get discounts. Okay, I would get anywhere from 10 to 40% off of something. So I would buy DVDs with my employee discount and I wouldn't open them, right? Then I would make sure no tags on them, no tags on them. Take the tags off, but make sure they're still sealed because they won't accept it if it's unsealed. So I go to Walmart and be like, my grandma gave me these DVDs for my birthday and it's just like, I just like, I'm not going to watch. them. I'm just a silly woman. Also, I don't have a receipt because it was a gift. Is there anything I could do? So then give them. And if you don't have a receipt at this time, they've changed their customer servicing. But at this time, they would give you a store credit because the customer is always

right. So, go me, you know? I don't know how I thought of that. Go me. Anyways, am I getting any trouble? It doesn't matter. I didn't do it anyways. I'm making this all up, you know, so they'd give me a store credit, and then you best believe it, I would get the stuff I needed. And I used to feel kind of bad about this, and now, honestly, I don't. I'm sorry. Kellogg. One time in high school, I had this history teacher. I'll never forget him.

Maybe that's how I ended up here. But every day I would come into class, and I'm not kidding you, he would be at his desk with a jar of mayonnaise. and a spoon, and he would just be eating it. He never talked about it. We never asked questions when we were kids. But like the classroom you would walk in and just get this whiff of mayonnaise. And like to this day, if I smell mayonnaise,

it's just like, it was so gross. He was, he, I would like to know where he is now. I probably imprisoned because he talked about sex and what kind of porn he watched a lot. So I'm thinking, because if he was eating mayonnaise, Obviously, that made him so horny because he watched a lot of porn and he would tell us about it.

So I don't know if mayonnaise actually, is that safe? Chippendales. So that's me on stage, okay? I got called up there. Okay, that's not the good clip. Let me see when I'm getting dry humped. Okay, maybe I shouldn't show this clip. now that I'm seeing it.

Weird presidents. To be fair, I literally just said, quote, I'm quoting Bailey. If I were a man, I would be pulling it out all the time or whatever I said. Las Vegas. I got some stories, if you want to know. Okay, one time me and my friend Lauren. Love Lauren. We went to Vegas and we stayed there for five days and was such a big mistake.

We didn't sleep. And that's what happened. But let me tell you on day five, I was dusty and I needed to get the hell out of there. Just nothing good happens, but it makes for good stories when you're not on a public platform. Allegedly, I did not actually steal from Walmart. I can't believe that ended up in there. Oops. Well, I have stories, okay?

And the winner of the TMI Award for things that probably should not have been filmed, and went up in my video, goes to Kellogg. Oh, I don't think the Walmart won, but okay, you win. Listen, my old history teacher, there was something wrong with him. And I even said in that episode, I was like, I wonder where he is today. Prison? Honestly, I'm probably guessing, but I was like, I don't know. Shout out to you, Mr.

I aired her dirty laundry. I bet you he's in prison. I will have to look it up Hey, thank God for good teachers because that's probably how I ended up here, huh? Speaking of letting me know if you're out there, I love reading some of like the comments you guys leave me at the end of the dark history episodes

and you do not disappoint. Listen, I truly love and appreciate all the comments you guys leave. They're great. Yes, we read them, most of them. But seriously, saying what you guys have to say after one of the episodes goes live is my favorite part. These comments are nominated because they sent me down some pretty epic mental rabbit holes. Yeah.

The nominees for Joni Fan Award for Best User Comment are vaping. Dylan Fell 6975 said, Bailey, will you marry me? Dylan. Okay, I got a couple of questions for you. One, what's your credit score? Do you have a 401K? Do you have a savings? Do you have a career?

Where do you live? Are you... I'm not trying to be shallow, but like... If we went to a concert together, would you be able to put me on your shoulders? If there was a fire in the house, would you be able to carry me out? How's your dental hygiene?

Do you have any serious illnesses I should know about? What are your dreams? What are your goals? Are you good at scrabble? How do you sleep at night? Do you snore? Are you a bed hog? Do you like animals? Dylan, we can't just jump into this like this, you know?

Like, we got to get to know each other a little bit, you know? Is there a ring? If you come from money, you can skip all those questions, go to the stray of the line, and pick me up at seven. Okay? Thank you. Vegas. Two weeks before my senior prom, my boyfriend broke up with me and invited someone else. I returned the $500 dress that matched to. Tim, and my mom got to work making me an edgy dress out of denim and black lace.

So two thousands of me. I felt so cool, definitely rebellious, and stood out like I wanted. I kissed his best friend at the prom after party, and my ex left crying. T-Rox. You rock. Because that story had everything. Listen. Drama, revenge.

Characters. Happy ending. sewing, okay? 20 out of 10. That was beautiful. I'm happy for you. Tifoyed Mary. A whole episode on Helen Keller would be wild. She had an incredible life. Honey Badger Girl 7-7? Listen, I know. I know. There has been like so much back and forth about Helen Keller online. She had, she, I agree. She definitely had an interesting life. What I've read so far, she met some interesting characters. She had some weird beliefs, but good ones too. And have you seen bumper stickers lately?

There's been bumper stickers in my neighborhood that say Helen Keller denier. I want to know more about this. What is this about and why is it a thing? But yeah, I think actually that would be a good idea. I know I've told the story a million times, but I'm going to tell you again just in case you haven't heard it because it makes me laugh every time. I used to get Helen Keller and Lizzie Borden mixed up.

You know Lizzie Borden, the one who took an axe and murdered her whole family? I thought she was blind and deaf. And I was like, what? She murdered her whole family with an axe and she's blind and deaf. And then she went on to like win awards and stuff. And I thought that to be true for the longest time. Like embarrassingly long. But I know now, not that.

the same person, but it's a fun thought. Great comments, always great comments. And I do not regret. I feel like everyone should have that list of like if someone proposes to you, you gotta make sure, you know, do they pass the list? Right?

There's, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Great comments from you guys all year long. And the winner is Dylan Fell's marriage proposal from our Dark History of Vaping episode. Now Dylan won because honestly, He got me thinking, we all need standards, right? And I want us all to think about standards when it comes to marriage, right? Yes, but you have to like have, you got to come with like some good stuff too.

You can't just be deadweight in the relationship. So it goes both ways, okay? Don't marry some random person just because they love bomb you. Ask about credit scores. Ask about generational wealth. Trust fund? No? Okay, that's all right.

401K, health insurance, dental, you know? This is America. Stop settling. Yeah. Anywho, we had fun today, huh? Right, guys? Yes. I love the Jonies every year, right?

It's so fun. To look back, we did so much. What a fun season. So much we covered. Thank you guys so much for tuning in and hanging out with us. Hopefully we'll be back with more dark history in the future. But for now, I just want to see. say thank you guys so much for hanging out with me, learning something new, going on this journey

with me. I appreciate it. I love you guys so much for commenting, tuning in, and learning with me. Okay? It's been so fun and great. I just appreciate you. Now, I'd love to hear your guys reactions to today's story, so make sure to leave a comment down below so I can see what you guys are saying, and your comment might even be featured in a future episode. Now, let's read a couple of comments you guys have left me. Ms. Chelsea left a comment on our Kellogg episode saying, quote, Hey, Bailey.

Hey. I just finished this episode over on Spotify and felt compelled to comment here. I'm actually related to the Kellogg family. The, uh, is it via or Viya? I don't know. Dr. Carrie Kellogg. Knee stains.

Knee stains. Knee stains. She was married to WK. WK. WK. Okay. No fun perks, just a random link. My dad always used to tell me that, and I thought it was BS until I came across the name.

Luckily, the crazy stayed there and didn't fall this way. Jelst, D. Thank you so much for listening on Spotify. First of all, I love that you listen there, and then you came back here to, like, say hi, and then you can tell us what's going on. Um, love that. But also, you're related. Great brag, period. I'll say that, because it's like when you know about him more, it's like, oh.

But for the most part, everyone knows Kellogg's, right? It's a bummer, though, that you don't even get a free box of cornflakes or anything? Nothing? Okay, that's all right. Well, thank you so much for listening and for sharing. We appreciate it. Thank you. Mr. Ozzie, 12532, left a comment saying, quote,

Am I the only straight guy who watches this? Ha ha. My older sister was watching Bailey like four years ago, and she hooked me on this series. L.O.L. Hi. Hello. You are a straight guy? Nice to see you

Thank you for watching for so long I appreciate it I don't know if you're the only I doubt you're the only straight guy Right I never took a poll I never really asked I just But hey shout out to your older sister

For getting you hooked That's all that really matters And listen if you're straight Hey Hey Leave a comment So Mr. Aussie does not feel alone Well we appreciate you

Thank you for being here And being brave enough to leave a comment Maybe you can find some other friends in the comma section, huh? Tristan Frady 1272 left us an episode suggestion. Quote, dark history on ramen noodles from street gangs and illegal selling in trading on the dark web. What in the sentence? Tristan, whoa, whoa, buddy. We gotta use some commas. I don't know what I just read. Street gangs, dark web, ramen noodles? Okay. Well, I will get right on that because, listen, I do like ramen noodles.

So, okay. I'm going to, yes, I will Google. I will. I will go down the rabbit hole and I will, we'll see where this goes, huh? Well, thank you so much for the episode's suggestion. Be on the lookout. Cup of noodles, Dark Web, what was it? Gangs?

That is a lot. Thank you. Hey, you guys, thank you so much for watching and engaging. Keep on commenting. I appreciate it so much. Maybe you'll be featured in a feature episode if we have one, huh? Or maybe you won't. Listen, did you know you can join me over on my YouTube where you can actually watch these episodes?

Yeah, on Thursday after the podcast airs. And while you're there, you can also catch my murder, mystery, and makeup. So don't forget to subscribe. And if you don't know, Dark History is an audio boom original. And I'm your host, Bailey Sarian. I hope you have a wonderful day. You make good choices. Thank you so much for hanging out with me all season long.

And I'll be talking to you guys later. Goodbye. Bye.