Dark History - 52: Stop beating your meat with this tasty treat! THE DARK HISTORY OF GRAHAM CRACKERS

Episode Date: August 31, 2022

Welcome to the Dark History podcast.  Some things are just meant to be together. Peanut butter and jelly. Milk and cookies.  Graham crackers and masturbation? Yep you read that right. Because without masturbation we never would have graham crackers. In today’s episode we’ll talk all about how one man’s mission to stop people from whacking it, led to the creation of the tasty, cinnamon-y treat. Don't be whacker, grab a cracker. Episode Advertisers Include:  Apostrophe, OSEA Malibu, MeUndies and CASETiFY. Go to http://cst.fyi/Dgzse to get 15% off on your CASETiFY order. 

Hello again! It's me, your favorite person in the whole wide world, Bailey Sarian. And I like to welcome you to my study. Well actually to my podcast, our history, but it's in my study. It's cute, isn't it? If you're watching this online YouTube, it's really cute. If you're listening to this, just believe me, it's really cute. This is a chance to tell the story like it is, and to share the history of stuff we would never think about. So, just sit back, relax,

and let's talk about that hot juicy goss. History, goss. So today's story is absolutely wild. I'm not imitating, I say that about every episode, but look, let me tell you how I got here. You know when you're desperate for a snack at 2 a.m., so you're half awake and you do that walk of shame to the kitchen, freaking hit your toe on the end of the bed

and like it hurts, you know, probably broke your toe. But eventually you make it is what I'm getting at. And then you reach your hand, you know, to the back of the pantry. For me, I grabbed the box of graham crackers because they're always there. I have graham crackers in my cupboard for some reason. I don't know why. I don't know how they got there. So I checked the graham crackers, see if they're still good to eat.

Then I like, you know, I don't, I honestly don't. So I checked the graham crackers, see if they're still good to eat. Then I like, you know, I honestly don't care. I just want to snack. Graham crackers? Hell yeah. Carry that back to my bed. Take some little, little bite set of mine. I eat the whole box, to be honest, or whatever's left. Crumbs all over the bed.

Yeah, I'm that person. Crumbs in my bed. I'm sorry about it. In the morning, you're like, was it all worth it? Absolutely. It was worth it. That was me. That's me every weekend.

While dusting off all the crumbs on the sheets, it got me thinking, does anyone else see graham crackers? Or is it just me who's life is mess? Like I'm literally just eating graham crackers at 2 a.m. No kind of topping or anything. They're stale. They're not even good. Like is this my life?

It is. And I'm just like looking at the box trying to figure out what do people actually do with graham crackers besides use them for smorse. Like how did we get the graham cracker? I'm a very curious person. I'm sure you're aware. Who made them? I don't know.

Well, we got to Google in. Turns out they're actually named after a man named Drumroll, please. So Vester Graham, wow, shocker. What's even more shocking is that they were invented with a very specific and interesting purpose in mind. Oh, yes, the Graham cracker was made to stop people from masturbating. Yep, you heard that correctly.

You probably weren't expecting that one where you. Instead of that, you'd be like, you know, with the graham cracker. So get your hands out of your pants and let's get to know the inventor of the Graham cracker, the one the only Mr. Solvester Graham. I have my dark history book open to the Graham cracker stops you from masturbating chapter. Very specific, but it's in here. And we're going to learn about this. You're ready? Great because it's wild. So Vester Graham was born in Suffield, Connecticut on July 5th, 1794. And compared to everyone else around him, Graham had a pretty sad childhood, okay? His dad and his brother died when he was just a baby.

And then a few years later, his mother had a mental breakdown and was hauled off to an asylum where she would end up spending the rest of her life. I guess she died in the asylum. The other day thought she was crazy? I don't know. Couldn't find that much information about it, but sad. So from an early age, Graham was pretty much all alone. And with no other choice, Graham went to work

at his uncle's farm. And it's like, yay, you know, he's got family now. Everything, everything's gonna be okay. Of course not, you know, no. You see Graham had an awful immune system and he was that kid that was always getting sick. So he spends most of his childhood sick and on a farm. Then when his teen years roll around,

he leaves the farm and moves to New York for school. While there, he works two jobs. So by day he's working as a paper maker shout out to Dunder Mifflin. And then by night, he's working at the town tavern. So he's like working two jobs and going through puberty, good for him, I guess. But while working at the tavern, Graham starts to notice that the local patrons would come in one way, aka sober, and then he would watch them like getting further sloshed by the hour and end up acting like complete fools.

If you've ever worked at a bar or you have an alcoholic family member, you know exactly what I'm talking about. That's mean, but it's the truth, because like, look, I worked as a bartender one time for like a small minute because I realized wasn't for me. But you watch people come in, they're sober, they've got manners, they're respectful, and then you just watch them go down. It's wild, it's difficult, it's a hard job.

Being around all of that main gram completely swear off alcohol and drinking in general. Because if it made people act like that, you were never going to catch gram even like touching the devil's whiskey. And this realization becomes very important to Graham's future. So put that away in like a box for now and then we'll pull it out later. He doesn't like alcohol and he doesn't like drunk people. Noted. But back to Graham.

His New York life comes to a halt when he's diagnosed with tuberculosis, which if you don't know, was an infection that could destroy your lungs. TB came in and just ruined Graham's life. He had to drop out of school and move back to his uncle's farm to focus on his health and he's sick all the time. And he hates it.

And he's one drinkin' like, why him? Why do I have to be the sick one all the time? So 10 long years go by and Graham starts to see life completely different. This is important to know because Graham's health is literally the foundation for all of what happens. So over time, you know, he's taking care of his health. He's starting to get better.

And he decides, hey, I want to do what my grandpa and my dad did. I want to follow in the family's footsteps. Graham is like, I'm going to become a preacher just like his father and his grandfather. And he goes for it. He gets into one of the best religious schools around. He's excited, new school, new goal, new Graham.

Yay! But at this new school, Graham did not have a good time. He was experiencing the worst bullying. Many of them thought that Graham's beliefs and his interpretation of like the Bible and religion were just a lot. It was a lot, okay? They thought he was somewhat annoying.

Nobody seemed to like Graham, and eventually he left school. Yeah, seems like every time he gets up, gets an idea, has a passion in life, he gets right kicked back down again. Poor guy. So being bullied out of school would lead Graham to a full blown nervous breakdown. So he ends up moving to Rhode Island where he meets his future wife Sarah and she nurses him back to health. I mean, he didn't have any family to go to. So this was different. This was different. It was kind.

Somebody was actually wanting to take care of him for the first time. And it would not take long until a two would fall in love. And 1824 grams back to feeling like himself again, and the two decided to get married. Honestly, there's stories like a cute little rom-com that I'd definitely watch. I'd watch it. It's cute. She nurses him back to health. Once Graham was better, Sarah encouraged her husband to get back out there and try again. She had a little money to her name, and she used that towards funding his new purpose in life, which was now being a traveling creature. So he begins his journey preaching the word of God, and Graham's timing really couldn't

have been better because people seem to be strained further and further away from God and religion and their values seem to be going out further and further away from God and religion and their values seem to be going out the damn way Joe. I mean at this time STDs were spreading in America like wildfire. So Graham felt like maybe he could do the Lord's work, he could save the people from themselves. Jesus. Jesus. And let me tell you, he was kind of onto something. And I know you're Jesus. Jesus. And let me tell ya, he was kinda onto something. And I know you're probably like Bailey, I thought this story was about Graham Crackers.

Like why are you talking about a preacher? Yeah, you're right, but I promise it's all gonna make sense. And we'll get to the Graham Crack episode. Picture this in your mind, we're in America in the 1800s. I'm sure you can imagine what that looks like. But let me tell you, life in the 1800s was no picnic. I don't know, it was not. Women are wearing all these hot layers of clothes.

Ugh, nobody's showering. Things were moist. Uh, real moist. So not only was everyone stinky as hell, but germs. They weren't even invented yet. And like everybody was getting sick. And what I mean by that is that like germs are real, but the people at this time didn't know

that germs was a thing. Doctors haven't put a name to it just yet. So it wasn't invented. You get it. Anyways, at this time, everybody's getting sick because nobody understands the logic of germs. Um, not even doctors understood how germs worked or how they spread. If you were sick with anything, you know, like let's say you had a fever.

They would do something called bloodletting and uh, it's basically exactly what it sounds like. They cut your arm open and let you bleed your infected blood into a bucket and turns out surprise, price, this method was not very effective, did not work, name name. But that's how they would heal you. That was like the Tylenol, cutting yourself and bleeding into a bucket. America.

Now on one side, you had doctors with they're not so great medicine. And then on the other side, you had religious people and their own beliefs and views as to how to handle sicknesses. So they weren't going to the doctor to bleed out, which good, since we know it doesn't work, but if they weren't turning to doctors, who were they turning to? God. They were turning to God for help. They believed that the reason behind all this sickness and suffering was a moral thing.

Oh yeah, they thought that all this bad stuff was happening to them because they were being immoral in the eyes of God. And our boy Graham, he freaking loved that shit. This was right up his alley. That's exactly what he believed. So Graham is out there doing his traveling preaching, and his big hook was like, no more alcohol!

Which was easy because there was actually already a big push at the time to get booze banned. So Graham is on the road, and he's been on the road for a while at this point, telling people not to drink booze. But something just wasn't clicking. And that's when Graham starts preaching that booze was destroying not only people's health and personalities, but their families as well. So Graham started preaching directly to people, especially women. And after all, I mean, they're the ones dealing with their booze bag husbands while trying to run the households.

I'm gonna look at Paul over here. Deadbeat. He does nothing, you know? He just takes all the credit, whatever. And I'm the one over here trying to like, do shit. Okay, so this one people really start to like gram because he seems like a normal everyday guy that you could completely trust. And that is where gram succeeded by talking to people on their level.

Finally, regular, the common folk felt like they were being heard and seen. And while he's starting to gain an audience, Graham has his light bulb moment. He realizes that people's health, religion, and perhaps maybe their lifestyle could all be connected. And that a healthy diet may keep you away from Satan's temptation, therefore keeping you healthy. Use on to something here. This new diet sermon actually starts to do pretty okay.

Graham really starts to get attention from his audiences and build a solid fan base. So he takes it a step further. And pretty much tells him, you know how you can really like for sure get into heaven, you guys, you need to eat healthy, exercise regularly and most of all, no more masturbation. Now first and foremost, as I mentioned, his audience were mainly made up of women. Women loved Graham. So Graham is traveling the country

talking to groups of women about sex, which at this time was a very bold move. But what was so shocking was that Graham did not hold back when it came to preaching his views about sex. Again, this is a time when you literally didn't even say the word like booby out in public. No, you did not just say booby. Send her to the island, get rid of her. You'd be shunned, game over.

Graham didn't care. He was like, yeah, booby, Tiditty, vagina, sex. Like, he was going off. Graham even would preach to married people that they should only be having sex once a month. Mm-hmm. This was because Graham believed that too much sex was a sin that could leave you vulnerable to Satan's grass. But sex wasn't the only thing off limits. I mean, there was something way worse than having too much sex. Something he called the sin of self-pollution. I love that. I want that on a shirt. Sin of self-pollution?

Ah, what a name! What does that even mean? It's what Graham called masturbation. Yeah, the sin of self-pollution. Graham knew that the most important thing about masturbation, you can't spell it without you, you little sinner you. Now Graham's logic behind the anti-masturbation crusade was that masturbation caused inflammation within the body, which opened the door for a bunch of other illnesses,

like heart disease, epilepsy, or even insanity. On top of that, Graham believed this was the most dangerous sin of all, because masturbation could happen anywhere, anytime. Like it was some creature lurking in the shadows watching you take off your pants. Take off your pants. The internet has to offer. You didn't touch yourself while we were gone, did you?

Good. A plus. Remember, Jesus is always watching. So, Graham was telling people to stop whacking their willies, and he had to have a good solution, right? You bet your titties he did. Ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've been weighing so patiently for, please welcome to the stage you know her. You love her, the Graham Cracker. I get lonely in here. I just want like stuff like friends,

like a Graham Cracker who becomes a person and comes in since of me I'm going crazy in this room you guys now to be fair. It was technically called the gram bread before But it's technically what we know it as a gram cracker. So I'm just gonna call it a gram cracker Okay, you get it, but it But it's technically called gram bread. Okay, so gets to the point. How in the hell is it supposed to stop me from masturbating, gram?

Tell me about it. Well, gram believes that only the purist of people can live a healthy moral life and also go straight to heaven. He also believed that you are what you eat, which, very true. So in order to be pure, Graham thought you had to eat pure. Pure wholesome fibers mean a pure wholesome human, and a one-way ticket to the pearly white gates.

And an easy way to control pure eating was to make a simple, clean food. And that's exactly what the OG Graham crackers were. Graham's actual crackers were basically cardboard. Yeah, they were made with two ingredients. Can't fuck that one up. Graham's signature triple washed flour and water. Yum. So delicious.

Thank you, Graham. This cracker perfectly represented all his strict views Yum. So delicious. Thank you, Graham. This cracker perfectly represented all his strict views on religion, alcohol, and disease. It was bland. It was tasteless. It was too ingredients. Him and God, you know, these are purposely designed to not be tasty. And there was a reason for that.

The OG Graham cracker was plain and free of seasoning, fat, flavor, or anything that might be considered indulgent. Back then people were mostly eating lots of heavy indulgent foods like meat, cheese, cakes, and booze, pfft, sign me up, you know. And nobody at this time was making the connection between what you ate and how it maybe connected to your overall health except for Graham. Now he was taking it a little extreme, but he was also watching all these people eat crazy heavy foods and go off and be super immoral. If you felt like shit one day, nobody made the connection that maybe all that beer and cake you consumed wasn't great for the body

You mean I can't make it up the steps without getting winded because of all the butter I eat? That makes no sense. What does butter have to do with how I feel? Like, people are just confused. They don't understand. So what I'm getting at is at this time people are treating their bodies terribly just like you want to Monday night. Don't lie. Linda, don't lie. And don't even get me started on what people were drinking because clean drinking water at this time. Hmm, hard to find. During this time, there wasn't much of a sewage system in place and it was even worse if you didn't live in the cities. So the drinking water may have come with a little side of feces, if you know what I'm saying. So most didn't care

to drink the water because it wasn't fully safe, which then led many people to reach for alcohol instead. Why? Because it was the only beverage that didn't have shit in it. Literally. No wonder everyone was a raging alcoholic. I mean, they were drinking alcohol in place of water. How did they function? It seems like everybody was just really drunk. How come we're not doing that now? Can we go back to that?

Cake and alcohol, actually. Can we do that? Let me know. But there's something worse than all the drunk and chads, sprods and dads, plaguing America in the 1830s. A disease is lurking in the shadows. And it's called cholera.

Oh yes, baby cholera comes to town, and the people are scared. It's a deadly disease spread by contaminated water. So I bet you can guess where maybe this is going. The sewage system that I just brought up. It's spreading big time because of the poor sewage system. But this ends up being a blessing in disguise for our old pal Graham and his crackers.

Because people started to notice that anyone who was following Graham's program and like eating his bland crackers, they didn't seem to be getting cholera. In fact, they seem to be doing like pretty well while everyone's getting sick around them. This was because in Graham's program, he preached that water was the only drink

that God had made for man. So he suggested that the people should filter it and drink a lot of it. So you're probably thinking, well, how the hell would people filtering water in the 1800s? Well, that's a great question that I definitely try to look into. And they said that like they had a bunch of different ways to filter the water by using sand or charcoal to like get all the crap out of the water, you know, but don't ask me, well, how they, I don't know, they just did, okay?

You believe me? Great. But back to Graham, again. So since Graham's followers never drank alcohol and literally only ever drank their filtered water, they were thriving. All color was spreading through the nation. This was like the best PR Graham could have ever hoped for. It wasn't making him look real good. So this is when his popularity skyrockets, word of mouth travels.

Now, they didn't know it was just filtered water that was the key to not getting sick. The people were assuming that whatever Graham was doing, like all of it, it must be working. So many people adopted Graham's lifestyle diet and suddenly everybody wants in on this Graham Fad. I mean, he's like Jesus, he's saving people. So we know this lifestyle included no alcohol,

purified water, the Graham crackers, and also was just really prudish about sex. But what else did the lifestyle involve? Bailey answer me, I will, Paul, my my god calm down. Gramps followers had to replace meat with homemade bread, fresh cow tipped milk, fresh eggs, and cheese, but only in moderation. Can't go off on that cheese. A big no no were fat sugar, meat, alcohol, tobacco, and spices. were fact, sugar, meat, alcohol, tobacco, and spices. Exercise, go outside, enjoy the Lord's work, and don't give in to any worldly temptations.

AKA anything man made. Grounds followers were so dedicated to Graham in his lifestyle program that they actually gave themselves a name, the fans, the stands, a name, the Grammites. Yeah, he had stands. He had stands before people had stands. Well, people are flocking to the stores because that's where you can get Gramm's chunky, triple-washed, pure flower.

Yeah, it's in the store. Then they would spend their whole day making tasteless Gram crackers to stay healthy and free from temptation of its sin. Great. But still, there were like some people who didn't believe him. Like how can eating these dry, joyless crackers stop me from wanting to get my sexual relations happening? So gram sets out to prove his point with his own little experiment that nobody asked

for. Graham visits a very respectable, wealthy family in the area and acts like a fly on the wall. So you know, he's just like there. He's taking notes on everyone's behavior and their everyday interactions and just observing them the family. And Graham was just wowed by the family's oldest daughter. She was only seven at the time, but she loved saying her prayers, eating Graham crackers, and reading her Bible even though nobody asked her to, like she was just a little angel. So Graham was like, wow, this family really is on the right path.

Snaps for them, my work is done here, but as part of his study, he came back, he circles back years later to the same family when the little girl is now a teenager. And boy, have things changed. Graham realized that this teenager was just a full on husse. She's flirty when guys are around, she's DTF, and worst of all, she's addicted to masturbating. Which my first thought was like, how does he know she's addicted to masturbating?

Were you watching? Or something? Like, how do you know? I've got questions. Anyways, because of all of this, Graham is like, oh my God, something has gone horribly wrong. And he was determined to find out why she turned out the way she did. I mean, she was a pure little angel. How in the promo code, dark history, welcome back. So this teenage test subject had given into pleasures of the flesh and how dare she.

And Graham, again determined to find out how. And who does he end up pointing the finger at? He has to blame someone for this. Well it's the mother of course. He notices that she has been overfeeding her family with super fattening rich delicious food. And this sinner should even season their meat. She would serve sweet pastries. Oh my god. She put tons of condiments on the table. Oh,

no. Yeah, she did. I guess she gave her kids coffee. That's a choice, but good for her. And she even gave the teenage girl a glass of wine every so often. Because as long as it's under her roof, she's okay with it. She's that mom, the cool mom. Not like a regular mom, I'm a cool mom. In Graham's eyes, the mom had completely tainted her once perfect child with all these indulgent pleasures. She turned her daughter into a little pleasure

seeking Gremlin, leading her down a road filled with lust and gluttony straight into Satan's open arms. And this was all the proof that Graham needed to add credibility to his theories. Side out, honestly, maybe the family didn't even exist. You know, that was kind of like, hmm, maybe this was just a story he made up, but we don't know. He could've totally made up this whole thing to help him prove his point.

But all that matters is that he had this story and ran with it. So Graham starts to put more of the responsibility on the parents to do their part within the family household. And if they questioned his ideas, they, he, Graham would like point to the test family. Like, we'll look at what happened to her. She has a tramp stamp now. Do you want your child to end up like that?

I didn't think so, Barbara. So get that ketchup off the table. And this is when it seems to get a little extreme, to say the least, parents were encouraged to ambush their kids room at night and try and catch them. Master, baby. Yeah, awkward. Awkward for everyone, I'm sure. My God, how embarrassing. Like, oh my God.

Mom. Come on, perv. What is this about? But the thinking behind it was that if they caught their child with their pants down, then they could fix it. They could fix the problem. And you had to catch them when they're young to get rid of this bad habit. If one of the parents did actually catch their children masturbating, doctors told the parents that they could cure their sick, air quotes here, sick children simply by burning their clitoris or even circumcising the penis.

Just a straight up DIY situation from your loving parents. Yeah, they did that. Yeah, they sure did. So not only is there a lot of shame around masturbation in society, now people are straight up scared to do it. But people's urges don't just go away. I mean, we're human. We have hormones. They rage, you know. But Graham was waiting in the wings with his bland boring, not at all tempting in any way. Graham crackers. If for any reason you were your beloved one are feeling some tingles in the lower region, don't be a whacker.

Just grab a cracker. That's a good one. So at this point people are like fine. I'll eat this damn Graham Cracker. It will make my boner go away. And honestly, maybe it worked. We don't really know. The logic here is if you're horny and you eat a graham cracker, you'll just, you won't be horny anymore because that graham cracker was so awful. I mean, when was the last time you ate like something that tasted like cardboard and it turns you on?

It kind of makes sense. I get it. I don't agree with it, but I get it. The logic, kind of. So after preaching about his lifestyle and his cracker for so long, Graham was fully having a moment. The impact of his popularity after Colora and the family experiment meant that the Graham cracker

was suddenly everywhere. Everybody wanted a piece of it. And Graham actually was very passionate about sharing his idea with the people. After all, he was piece of it. And Graham actually was very passionate about sharing his idea with the people. After all, he was one of them. He was a man of the people. And to show the people that, he never wanted to charge or make any profit

from his recipe or lifestyle suggestions. But Graham did find another way to cash in on his success. In 1834, Graham decided to go on a book tour where he could hold seminars and sermons and give speeches all across America, talking about the benefits of making your food at home and not relying on all the man-made conveniences coming onto the scene.

Graham is making a bit more than just money on this tour because this is when Graham strokes his ego and gets a little promotion, a self promotion. So the Grahamites, the stands, start calling him a prophet and they truly believe that Graham was here to do God's work. I mean, when you go back to his childhood at he was sick all the time and everything cared about, it just didn't pan out. So got to the point where he truly felt like this was why he went through all that suffering and sickness for the benefit of the greater good.

He's God's gift to America. This is what he believes. Don't come for me, this is what he's like, yeah, it's me. I am a prophet. The grandma had set this point, had expanded, and they're growing and spreading as fast as their herpes on the town hussy. They're reading his books, saying their prayers, eating his crackers, it low-key sounds colty, right? Manson vibes.

Kinda. Things are going well for Graham. Everyone's listening to him and eating his crackers. He's feeling like a celebrity. But this isn't our first rodeo, and we know as people start to get more money and more power, that's when things take a little bit of a turn.com slash dark history. Okay, come on this journey with me for a moment. Picture it. Stuffy, religious mid-1800s America. You take your seat in like a fancy new theater that was just built. Maybe you're already a gram might and you just want some tips on how to make your gram crackers even more cardboard-y. Or maybe you're new here and your friend Martha from work made you come with her because you know she can't do anything alone. Martha. Either way you see this guy. Graham, he takes the, and he enrolls a drawing of a vagina and looks at the audience

and shouts, ladies, stop masturbating. It's killing you on your family. You're probably shocked. I would be. Again, at this time, people may have been talking about masturbation and hush-hush tones, but they were definitely not shown diagrams of vaginas and definitely not publicly accusing married women of masturbating.

Oh my god, it was completely unheard of at this time. The audience were probably like, oh my, in the name of god, is that a vagina? Grab me my handbag Martha, we are getting out of here. People are just offended, it's what I'm getting at, thank you. But yelling at married women to stop masturbating wasn't the only talking point Graham was hitting on his tour. Another favorite of his was preaching about the evil of store-made bread. He's like, this is a vagina! This is your vagina on white bread. And people are like, what do you mean? The gram was exposing the fact that bakers were adding copper and chalk to make their bread and crackers look prettier, wider and last longer,

like it's some kind of like damn bread beauty pageant. The ingredients that were being used were ruining all the nutritional benefits. You would normally get or naturally get from homemade bread. And it sure a shit was not pure. Graham specifically called out the city bakers and flower merchants saying that the wheat they were using was spoiled and inferior to his flower and his graham crackers. Which is true because they were using unnatural shit to make this bread look white and beautiful. What's that gonna do for you? It doesn't do nothing for you, you know?

Because of all this, it starts to mess with people's businesses. The Bakers and stuff. Graham's preaching had gone from a little lifestyle change to now like going after big bread businesses. People stopped eating bakery bread and started distrusting their bakers. Ooh! eating bakery bread and started distrusting their bakers. Ooh! Fightin', side note, turns out they still put copper in bread.

I looked it up. I don't know. Are you allowed to eat this? Is that a good? Let me know. Okay, so Graham is still on tour, and he does a tour stop in Boston, you know, showing his vagina diagrams and his woo-woo books in hand, ready to call out even more bakers. But what he didn't know was that word had been spreading, and by the time he got to Boston,

he was public enemy number one. You see, Boston was the biggest maker of crackers at the time. Yeah, that's just a joke in itself, but that's funny. Literally, Boston was the biggest maker of crackers at this time. As a lot of you can guess, there's lots and lots of angry flower merchants and bakers living in this area. And they're ready to rip into Graham because of all the business and money he had cost them. It's not just the bakers that are angry, it's the butchers as well, because Graham was very anti-meat and he had not been shy about preaching that as well. I mean, he's messing with the wrong people, you know, butchers, they butch for a living with knives and stuff and like the bakers, they use equipment. So I just feel like they'd be a little bit like aggressive,

in my mind, I don't know. So there's all these pissed off butchers and bakers running around town like, you heard of this guy, Graham? I know him, like he screwed me over. And then the other guy is like, yeah, he screwed me over to a hate Graham. And everyone's just like realizing, we got all this in common, we hate Graham. We should work together and take them down. And that's what they were going to try to do.

This gang of butchers and bakers marched right down to the hotel where Graham was staying and they're ready to seek out revenge for the bread lost. Bread meaning... money. So Boston, 1834. There's a pack of disgruntled bakers and butchers, hootin' and hollering. Screamin' for Graham to meet them by the flagpole. They're like, yo Graham, if you're real man, come get some. So Graham notices that all these angry butchers and bakers are like yelling at him from the streets and getting all riled up and all mad.

So what does Graham do? Well he hides in the closet, he locks himself inside, he's terrified, he's not going out there, are you crazy? I'm not trying to die. So he locks himself in his room. Many would say he was being a little bitch, but you know, he's scared. He's terrified. Anyways, so the Grahamites show up to the hotel as well, and these people will do anything to defend their leader. So they climb the stairs all the way up to the top of the hotel. They end up making it onto the roof of the hotel where they can see all the angry bakers and butchers down below.

And this is where it goes from angry riot to full on chemical attack. Oh yes, you see the gramites, they dumped buckets of calcium hydroxide on the bakers and butchers down below. Well, what's calcium hydroxide if you don't know? It's a full on acid. Have you ever experienced a chemical burn from the spiral burn? Yeah, that burning sensation you're feeling

is from calcium hydroxide. And if used alone in big amounts, it could it could freaking burn you blind you If you got that dumped on your face, oh baby girl Lisa your flesh would just melt right off so bakers and butchers were screaming bloody murder in the streets because The grammites up above are dumping buckets of this chemical down below and Mites up above are dumping buckets of this chemical down below. And now, you know, these people down below are going freaking blind. And not only that,

they're coughing up the acid that they inhaled because it's burning them from the inside out. It was a scene out of a horror movie. Let me tell you. Eventually, the rioters backed down. And even though he and his grandma technically won this battle, this was very upsetting to Graham.

It spooked him real good. He didn't want violence. He didn't think his haters were gonna like show up and try to kill him. I mean, he was just trying to make people's lives better in his eyes, you know? Bring him closer to God. Can't we all just get along? But the Boston riot would continue to bite Graham in the ass. The riots were all over the newspapers and the press was not on his side. Even though he didn't even start it, Graham and his followers were now associated with violence. So the Graham movement at this point starts to slow down and the spotlight on Mr. Graham starts to dim. And once the spotlight

was off of him, people just kind of moved on. Graham kept going on with his preaching for as long as he could, but by 1839 he officially retires. And great timing, Graham, because during the mid-1800s, this is when the world was getting more modern, at least in America. America's growing, technology is advancing, and in the new future religion was taking a back seat to science. Plus, Graham's main audience, women, were starting to gain their own independence. In the kitchen, they were using new inventions like stoves, electric mixers, or what? Electric mixer can openers? Oh shit, it's the future baby. So women are spending less time in the kitchen and doing other things with their time like going outside,

flying a kite, maybe we don't know. Not just stuck at home, baking graham crackers. Overall, what I'm getting at is women are becoming more independent. They don't need no man. They don't need to follow this man's diet. They don't need to kitchen. None of that. They don't want to listen. No. In 1851, Graham passes away. Now, I help his pure heart took him right to his VIP sweeten heaven. And this is a sight note. I'm not laughing. It's just like I want to know like how did he die? What was his life like before

he died? And there's literally not that much information out there at all. It's just kind of like he just, I don't know, he just dies one day. But rumor has it that Sylvester Graham, his cause of death, opium, enema, opium, enema. Yeah, I don't know if he was shooting opium up the butt or what, I don't know, but you know, good for him. What a way to go. Sounds like a party in your ass. I want in.

You're probably wondering, well, okay, Bailey, like this story has so many layers to it and so much information. I thought we were talking about graham crackers, right? What happened to the graham cracker? How did it go from being gross, blah, anti-mastervation bread to basically a delicious treat at 2 a.m. in the morning with crumbs all over my bed?

Well, I don't think this is the best part of the story, but like this is pet tea. Because remember those Boston bakers that Graham's followers dumped acid on while plot fucking twist. They banded together and continued to have each other's backs for years. And eventually, they formed one big company. Oh, you may know this company. It's the national biscuit company. Or maybe as you know them today, nabisco.

Who, yeah. Whoops, she wanna burn those guys' faces off because they got together. Come up for you, Graham. You, years later, they roll out a certain sugary, cinnamon, rectangular cookie that looks a lot like Graham's famous crackers.

Huh! But the difference? They taste way better. Oh yeah, they're everything Graham preached against. Indulgent. Mmm, crispy, crunchy, delicious. Mmm. And if that wasn't a big enough slap in the face,

Nabisco went ahead and named this new delicious cracker? The Graham Cracker. Yeah, that's right. Graham's name makes Nabisco a ton of money. They even ran advertisements where they shit on the original Graham cracker, calling it so tasteless and uninviting that it almost required a prescription. What they're doing is they're trying to slant our Graham's name, they're just like trying to drag him through the mud, and that's how you did it.

Tasteless and un-inviting. It almost requires a reverse-cription. Those are fighting words back then. This new Nabisco graham cracker was everything, graham-aided. Nabisco is the kind of petty queen that honestly, kind of loves to see it, but, you know, it's kind of funny, but not really the kind of. I don't really know. I just know I like Graham crackers.

They are dedicated to the petty because they still sell this version of the Graham Cracker, which is the one we know today. The story was wild. And honestly, a little all over the place, especially since this is all about the Graham Cracker. And there's so much we had to leave out of this story just because it's insane, you guys. I could do a four part series on this whole Graham guy and just everything because he essentially

Started this diet that we still kind of follow today Not necessarily the like masturbation and all that but like clean eating drinking water going outside Exercising good sleep like all the basics is exactly what Graham believed as well Plus the religious side of things so it's like he's kind of the guy that started it all. Isn't it weird? It's like this one guy who's kind of weird. We took it and ran with it. But I'm just dying to know who you thought

had the wildest backstory, popcorn or Graham crackers. Let me know down below. Look, ultimately Graham wanted us to take care of ourselves so we could live happy, healthy lives and go to heaven. And look, he was right about a few things filtered water is definitely better for you than shit water. It literally saved the grandma's lives from cholera. And if you're thinking how did anyone fall for all of that Graham stuff? Well, just think of all the stupid food things you've believed before. For me, in middle school, everyone thought that green skittles made your boobs bigger. And the orange ones made you horny.

We believe that, you know? I don't know about you guys if you had something like that in school, let me know. But I think the big takeaway here is that we assume food is created to be like tasty, nutritious, and simply just food. When like so much of it is designed to taste like cardboard and like stop you from, it always has some kind of other meaning. I've been going down so many food rabbit holes. I think this whole season might just be about food.

I would actually love that, but I'm not gonna do that, but I would love that. Eat your skittles, let your boobs grow, eat other healthy stuff, and if you feel like it, maybe masturbate, because if it makes you happy, can't be the bad, you know. If it makes you happy, can't be the bad. I hope I win a Grammy, and look, to be honest, I can't be the best.

I hope I win a Grammy. And look, to be honest, after this episode, I never want to see a Graham Cracker ever again, because I don't even care if it's a Smoar. And that says a lot, because I love a Smoar. There's just so much about Graham. Oh man, so many layers to this man. It, I'm exhausted of this man. In conclusion, the next time I masturbate Graham,

I'm gonna be thinking about you, baby. Well, everyone, thank you for learning with me today. I hope you learned something new. You'll never look at a Graham cracker the same, right? You'll be like, this used to stop people masturbating. And that's a fun story to tell your friends, isn't it? Come on, we need conversation to talk about these days. This is a good one.

Remember, don't be afraid to ask questions to get the whole story because you, and we all deserve that. I'd love to hear your guys' reaction to this story. So, over on social media, make sure to use the hashtag dark history so I can, I could see what you guys are talking about. I come and look, I see you, I see you.

Join me over on my YouTube where you can watch these episodes on Thursday after the podcast airs. And while you're there, don't forget to check out my murder mystery and makeup. I hope you have a wonderful day today. You make good choices and you keep your hands out of your pants. I'll be talking to you next week. Goodbye.

This podcast is executive produced by me, Bailey Sarian, Kimberly Jacobs, Dunea McNeely from Three Arts, Kevin Grush, and Claire Turner. Big thank you to the writers, Allison Filobos, Joey Escavuso, Katie Burris, and me, Bailey Sarian, hi. Shot and edited by Tafatsoa Nemirundwe and Lily Young. Research provided by Ashley Spurgeon, a big thank you to our expert, Adam Spiritson, PhD. Oh, and I'm last.

I'm your host, Bailey Sarian. Why am I last on the list of my show? You would think I'd be at the top, right, Paul? Oh, Joan, Joan, hey girl! You still got the vibrator? What is that? That's a smore. That's a smore?

Looks like a vibrator. It's all stick. you