Dark History - 94: The Joanie Awards! Best, Worst, & Absolute Worst | Dark History with Bailey Sarian

Episode Date: July 12, 2023

Welcome to the Dark History podcast. And welcome to the most highly-anticipated event of the year: The Joanie Awards! Dark History's second season has taken us on an exhilarating journey through spine-chilling tales and mind-boggling discoveries. Today, we celebrate the outstanding stories that unfolded in Season 2, honoring the heroes, villains, and douchebags who have shaped history's shadowy tapestry. Episode Advertisers Include: DoorDash, HelloFresh & Manscaped. Learn more during the podcast about special offers!

Ladies and gentlemen, curious cats and aristocrats, welcome to the 2023 Joni Awards. Please welcome to the stage, the history teacher we all wish we had, the queen of serving looks and reading books. Bailey Serian! Oh my god! Hi everyone! Hi! Hi! How's it going? Thank you! Have a seat! Thank you, Stalin! Oh, wait, I'm Big Brother!

Hi, I'm Big Brother! Who's that? Is that Grand School Hama? The vibrator? Oh, shit. Oh, Joan Crawford? Yes. Welcome everyone to our final episode of season 2! Yes. Welcome everyone to our final episode of Season 2. Okay, so no one's gonna applaud. Great, awesome. Wow, have we learned so much together? And we just wanna give some love to you, the listeners,

and the viewers. We would not be here without you. And I just wanna let you know, we are so grateful for all of your loyalty and your comments. Truly, I look forward to reading them and I love learning together with you. All right, so every year, even though this is season two, but every year, I like to end the season with the Joni Awards, named after our favorite girl, Joan Crowford. Joan, who are you wearing? Joan Crowford. Joan, who are you wearing?

Awesome. Now, these awards are a fun way to revisit all of the wild and interesting topics we covered this year. I mean, there were 46 episodes. Yes, I said that right. 46. And just on YouTube alone, season two had around 38 million views.

Wow, let's talk about crazy. Oh shit, I didn't know that. That's a lot of eyeballs if you think about it. And I can't say thank you enough. I really can't. We learned so much that it's easy to forget a few things I know I do. So let's do a little end of the year,

refresh your edges and get into it. Now, even if you win an award, just know that it doesn't necessarily mean we're celebrating you. I'm looking at you, Stalin, daddy. Did you know Stalin was the king of Facetune before it was even a thing? Oh yeah. And Stalin isn't even his real name. He chose it because it means man of steel. deal. Between the photoshopping, the fake name, and the bushy mustache, Stalin has a worse fake identity than me trying to buy booze in high school. Come on people laugh my god I'm trying to make you giggle. Yes, yes I was indeed a 63 year old woman named Ivana Mandik. In high school I had her ID, shout out to you Ivana Mandik. There's no problem I had her ID. Shout out to you, Ivana Mandic.

There's no problem using a fake ID, people lighten up. And hey, let's give it up for Dr. John Pemberton over there, there he is. He's looking cute. If I squint. Now he still looks awful. Dr. Pemberton, if you don't remember, invented Coca-Cola to cure soldiers, opium addictions

after the war. His secret ingredient, you may wonder? Cocaine! Great! Oh, and I have to say, before moving forward, all of the nominees here tonight, they smell incredible. What's that? What does that scent?

Am I getting deer balls and cat taint? Yeah, that's right. If you watched our fragrance episode, you know that the original recipe for perfume used to indeed include deer ball sack. And I love that shit all over my face. You know, deer ball sack. You get it? I like it in my face. Great. Now I know at home you're thinking Bailey, that's sick. But nowadays fragrance contains thousands of unregulated chemicals screwing with your health. Meanwhile, I'm getting deer balls on all over my face. So who's really getting screwed here?

I'd like to give it up to one of my personal favorite episodes, Dildo. I see you're here looking glittery, shining and new. It's wild to me that Dildo's are actually older than Jesus. I mean, girl, you look like you just came out of the box, right? All right, everybody. Let's strap in for the final episode of the season and get to the awards, right? Let's go. I'm so happy to be here. Oh my God, I drank a whole bottle before I came. But we need to acknowledge our two guests here who are looking fabulous. Joan, tell us, what are you wearing?

Oh, a dead bird. Okay, isn't that kind of like cannibalism or? No, all right, she's wearing a dead bird. We love to see it. Paul's here. Now Paul, you are looking fabulous. I just want to jump your bones. Bye.

Bye. Thank you. I'm here all day. I'm glad you guys dressed up. It's about time you start pulling your weight around here. Am I right? Ah! And our first category tonight is the Plot Twist Award.

Now this category is all about a story that had a surprising twist that seemed to come out of nowhere. Something we never could have predicted, and the nominees are Grandville's Hammer. We learned in our dildo episode that in the late 1800s, Dr. J. Mortimer Grandville invented what he called Grandville's hammer, the world's first vibrator. And we loved it, right? But plot twist, he said it was for men only.

Mortimer said it could be used for curing constipation, diabetes, and toothaches. And I'm sure that's exactly what it was being used for. Next up, we have Bridesmaids. Back in our marriage episode, Brides to be had to travel with a cash gift which would be given to the new husband. But thieves knew this and Brides became a target. So plot twist, Bridesmaids became her bodyguards,

and were also decoys to throw off anyone who was trying to rob the bride. To this day, every time we're in a wedding party, we still have to spend $230 on a lavender dress. I should've never gonna wear that shit again, but mazel Kendra! Great! Mummy Powder.

In our Mummy Powder episode, we learned that in the 1500s, Europeans stole mummies from Egypt, but they did not put them like on display in a museum, plot twist, they ground up the mummies into a powder, and ate them. Yes, the Europeans thought the mummies were coated in a cure-all medicine. Sadly for them, this mummy powder did nothing except give the Europeans diarrhea. If you can't learn history, you might as well eat it, huh? And the Joni for Best Plot Twist goes to... Oh, grandma, what scary hands you have.

Thank you so much. Let me get my letter opener. Great. Plot twist a worn ghost too. Gransville Hammer, the Dildo. Applause. Gransville, great for you. We love the Dildo here at Dark History. Where's he at?

He's not here? Oh, he's dead? Oh, okay, my bad. Well, you win! A cheers to Grandville's Hama, the dildo! Praise God for a dildo, huh? Now, before we go to commercial break, let's talk about the elephant in the room. An episode that thousands of you took one look at and said,

no thanks. I think I'll just go watch the Lisa Frank episode again. Yeah, that's right. We see you. I'm talking about the biggest flop. Hey, they're not all winners, you know? Now, this award is dedicated to the underappreciated Among Us. You know, this is an episode based on the numbers. Many of you just didn't seem to give a shit about, but first, a word from our sponsor. This episode is brought to you by Perifin Filler. Are you looking to upgrade your nose, chin, or even your balls? Then this product is for you.

With just a few injections, you'll get the face or ball sack you've always wanted. Visit your local doctor and ask them how you get paraffin filler now. Ask your doctor about paraffin injections. If you have any pre-existing conditions, paraifin side effects include dizziness headaches, blood clots, infections, giant swollen patches that you will leave to the glowing towers, and lots of other things like death. Perifin fillers, they're right for you.

["Fillers"] Welcome back! Now, the biggest flop of season two, you're probably dying to know, because you didn't see that shit, was Art Heist! ["Fillers"] No one? No, because you didn't see that shit. One's art highest. No one, no one watched it. That's totally fine.

Yeah, this don't give a shit about art, I guess, but who knew, we learned something new every day about our audience here at Dark History and you guys don't like art. You feel good about yourself, good. Now, this next category is dedicated to all of the incredible women we've had, the honor of learning about this season.

These women blazed a trail to love, laugh, and most importantly, live, okay? In honor of our resident dark history queen, this next award is called the Joni Queen Award, and the nominees are Aida B. Wells. Aida was such a big deal that we gave her her own episode. This groundbreaking journalist exposed the racism happening in America. In the late 1880s, many black Americans were being falsely accused of crimes and even

being lynched. Aida made it her mission to uncover as many of these crimes as she could. She published a groundbreaking booklet called The Red Record that woke Americans up to the reality of the country at the time. On top of all of that, she co-founded the NAACP and did so much more, opened up schools, but we love her. The next nominee, Betty Dodson. Back in our Dildo episode, we learned about a woman

named Betty Dodson, who was on a mission to celebrate female masturbation back in the 70s. She started hosting orgasm workshops out of her New York apartment using diagrams, mirrors, sex toys, and would even show women how to have the best orgasms with live demonstrations. She was also known for the love of the cult favorite vibrator, the Hitachi Magic Wand. She really taught women how to love themselves. One raging orgasm at a time. Henrietta Lacks. In 1950, a woman named Henrietta Lacks died at the age of 31,

leaving behind her five children and broken-hearted husband. What her family didn't know was that scientists were conducting experiments on her body's cells after discovering her cells were immortal. These cells would become crucial to creating life-saving vaccines, medical advancements in AIDS, Parkinson's, and cancer research. Her cells have gone on to save tens of millions of lives, help probably more than that.

To this day, if you've gotten an HPV vaccine, well guess what? You have Henrietta's cells living inside of you. And the winner is... Oh my god, love that. Thank you so much! We're gonna need some more champagne, huh? Huh, okay. Johnny Quedamort goes to Henrietta Lacks. The Henrietta Lacks episode. goes to Henrietta Lacks. The Henrietta Lacks episode. We love to see Henrietta Lacks.

She was a credible woman who deserves more than this Joni Queen Award. Now the next category up is the Control Freak Award. Now we're honoring the most uptight character who just wants to ruin all the fun for the rest of us. My God, it's exhausting. The nominees are Sylvester Graham.

We learned about this guy in our Graham cracker episode. He was a minister and told people the best way to live a pure life was to avoid the sin of self-pollution. In other words, masturbating, you know touching yourself. And to live pure, you had to eat pure according to Graham. So he created a recipe using the most basic ingredients and called it the Graham cracker. I know. And I guess he thought it would like stop people from going to the spank bank. Next nominee. Dr. Saranus. Yes, his last name was Sor Anus. That should be enough, but it's

okay, I'll tell you more. The ancient Roman doctor comes from our dildo episode and believed female orgasms were a form of epilepsy. Great. He also said the ideal state for women was virginity. But forever, and this only gets worse when we remember that he is considered to be the father of gynecology. It didn't make sense, but yay! Okay. Pope Innocent VIII. Back in our witches episode, we learned about a wild book that was written in 1487 by order of the Pope. Now this book, it was called the Malia Smalificorum. Malific, Malia Smalificor. Oh, it was called the book Malia Smalificor. This book was called the Malias Malepa Karam. Think I know that Hanjung.

No, I'll write shut up. And it said that death was the only way to end the quote, evils of witchcraft. Because witches work hand in hand with Satan himself. This book gave men the green light to torture women and burn them alive if they were found guilty, whatever that means, of practicing witchcraft. We love to see it, huh? Being burned at the stake, always a good time. And the Joni goes to.

Oh, the anticipation in the room is really growing. I feel it. This is a really great letter opener. And the winner is, Pope Innocent the Eighth, in our Witches episode. We love a Pope. We love a Pope who tells us, go kill some women for fun. That's so nice, we love him.

I say we cheers to that, huh? What's the suck to be in what year 1487? Yeah, I'm not sure sauce. I'm gonna need some more. If I'm gonna do this all night, you're not drinking Joe, aren't we celebrating? We're finally done! This episode I'm excited to partner with Liquid Ivy to make sure you drink enough water this summer. Listen, we all know effective hydrating is essential for athletes, but what about the rest of us and the real reasons we need to hydrate? You know, maybe a late night out with the girls, summer walks to get in those steps.

Maybe you had a little too much fun this weekend and Monday just rolled around too quickly. Been there done that, like, I don't judge, I'm not judging. We all do that, right? Sometimes, maybe. You had a little too much fun this weekend and Monday just rolled around too quickly. Been there done that like I don't judge, I'm not judging. We all do that right, sometimes maybe. Good news! Liquid IV is here to help. With three times the electrolytes of the leading sports drink plus eight vitamins and nutrients

for everyday wellness, Liquid IV hydrates two times faster than water alone. And if you're trying to watch your sugar intake, liquid IV is now available in a sugar-free formula. Woo! Years in the making hydration multiplier sugar-free uses a proprietary zero sugar hydration solution with no artificial sweeteners. And it comes in three yummy flavors,

white peach, super favorite of mine. Green grape and lemon lime. And those new flavors, let me tell you, you can't even know that there's no sugar in it. You know, I was like, there's no way. The white peach is like, oh, it's so delicious. It's refreshing. It's like you're taking a bite out of a peach.

Fresh from the farmer's market, you know? And then the lemon lime is zesty and refreshing. And then that green grape, tart, crisp, with a punchy twist. Ah, they're delicious. My favorite thing about liquid IV is how convenient it is. I mean, I just tossed a stick in my bag in the morning so I could stay hydrated on the go and it's delicious.

So like I'm not complaining, and I always keep coming back for more. I mean, doctors are not lying. Drinking enough water really does make you feel your best. And you can feel even better about drinking liquid IV because they partner with leading organizations to fund and foster innovative solutions that help communities protect both their water and their futures. To date liquid IV has donated over 39 million servings in 50 countries, well, correction barely, 50 plus countries around the world.

If you're interested in trying another new flavor, I highly recommend Concord Great. If so, this before I'm gonna say it again until you try it because it's the best flavor. Thank you so much. Real people, real flavor, real hydrating. Now sugar free. Grab your liquid IV hydration multiplier sugar free in bulk nationwide at Costco or get 20% off when you go to liquidiv.com and use code darkhistory at checkout. Now listen, that's 20% off anything you order when you use promo code DarkHistory

at liquidiv.com. Now we know here at DarkHistory that there are always two sides to history, which made me realize everything is kind of a lie and I spiraled and thought about jumping off a cliff. So, the nominees for the Everything As A Lie award are New Year's Day. Now, this holiday is a damn lie because in our New Year's episode, we learned that for millions of black Americans, it was known as Hiring Day. This was a day when enslaved people were least out for a year to work in other places. It was a day of horror and heartbreak when families were completely ripped apart. I know. It might change the way you look at that champagne toast at midnight. The next nominee is Aladdin. Back in our childhood movies episode, we learned how Disney convinced all of us that Aladdin was a crafty scoundrel just trying to survive

in the Middle East. And here many of us thought this story came from an old book called Arabian Nights. First of all, okay, Aladdin wasn't even in the original Arabian Nights. Second of all, Aladdin was originally Chinese. Yeah, some French guy in the 1700s was writing a translation of the Arabian Nights

and was like, China, Arabia, eh, to my notes and a lot of them. They'll never know. Michelle remembers. Back in our satanic panic episode, Dr. Lawrence Pazder convinced his patient, Michelle Smith, that she was suffering from SRA or Satanic ritual abuse. She had repressed all her memories of it until now. So Dr. Pazder published a book about these alleged memories and called it

book about these alleged memories and called it, Michelle remembers. It pushed America into a satanic panic and Ozzy Osborne really leaned into it. I mean, he bit that poor bat's head off. All right, Pete. And the kicker is Dr. Padser. He made it all up. Great.

Love to see it. And the Joni goes too. Oh my God, thank you. Oh, that was a good one. I'm having fun with this knife tonight. And the winner goes to New Year's Day from our New Year's episode. I feel bad for clapping because it was actually really awful. Our camera guy just started clapping and he's about to be fired. Okay.

Only I can clap. Only me. Okay. I mean, honestly, everything is a lie. Everything is a lie. They're trying to sell us like mattresses and shit on New Year's. Ugh, don't get me started. Anyways, now before we go to, let me have some of my champagne, huh?

Cheers to the winners thus far. Now before we go to commercial break, let's play a little game that I like to call Betty Crocker Recipe or-timey porno. Should be fun. Now I'm going to list three things and you need to guess whether they're a Betty Crocker recipe or a porno. First up, grass sandwich. Next we have depression cake.

And finally, old fashioned cream pie. The answers when we come back. Oh! The jones are brought to you by Graham crackers. Are you having in-peer thoughts? Do you find yourself churning the butter when no one is home, waxing the carrot, buffing the muffin.

We'll take your tiny timm to the Ted Talk and try Graham's Crackers and God will love you for it. Hi, welcome back to the Jones. Are you ready for the answers to our game? Betty Crocker or Old Timy Pornow? First up we have Grass Sandwich. Now if you guessed Hardcore Porn, you are correct. It was actually the first Hardcore Porn ever made. Thank you Grass Sandwich. You really did it for us huh? I want a Grass Sandwich. Am I right Joan?

want to grass sandwich. Am I right, Joan? Okay. Grass sandwich came out in 1950 and the full title is a free ride or a grass sandwich. Next we've got depression cake. Now this is not a sad or G. It was a Betty Crocker recipe for people who wanted to make a cake during the Depression. Just sounds like a Tuesday night in my book. No, okay. Finally, we've got old fashioned cream pie. Now this was a trick question because it's both. Yeah, Betty Crocker and porn. Love to see it.

Now back to the awards. Now all season, we've come across some batshit characters who, at times, just did whatever they wanted. No matter how many people it hurt. So the nominees for the I don't give a f***ing award are Coco Shnow. Back in our luxury fashion episode we learned that during World War II, Coco was doing a little horizontal collaboration with Nazi intelligent officers, or a officer, my apologies. Then Coco became a spy for Old Hitler.

After the war ended, she denied everything. Godawais got free and continued working in fashion. So I hope you're all enjoying that Chanel number 5 you wear. It smells like war crimes. Shit, fucking bitch. Cheers. Next, Woodrow Wilson. During the red summer of 1919, violent riots broke out in 26 cities

across America, including Washington, D.C. and for days President Woodrow Wilson did nothing literally. When he finally did step in four days later, it was a little too late. Ultimately, over 250 black Americans were murdered that summer, and it left America wondering if the President didn't care who would. Lastly, we have the Crockor Brothers. Love that name, right, Joan? Crockor? We love it. Back in our oral hygiene episode, we learned about the Crockor Brothers, who came up with

a million-dollar idea, a new way to fill cavities that was cheap, painless, and could be done in under two minutes. Oh my god, it sounds like me. Okay, whatever you guys, this audience is dead. They're all dead. But here's the thing. They weren't dentists, and their fillings had toxic mercury in them. Yeah. By the time people figured out their scheme, they had put these fillings in over half of the adults in New York. Probably wondering, didn't they give a fuck? No! They sure didn't. They just poisoned half the state.

They didn't care. Whatever. And the journey goes to... Thank you so much. Okay, let me open this envelope. I can't wait to find out who the winner is. And the winner is, oh my God, really? Coco Chanel from our luxury fashion episode. Thank you.

Coco, come on up here. Come on up here, bitch. Get your little rich ass over here. Oh, she's also dead? Great, everyone's dead. All right, all right, all right. Everyone calm down and know you're all excited about war crimes. From Kogoshanau.

I know, it's exciting news. But it's time for a little dark history quiz. In what episode do we quote the middle English proverb, quote, Give your contwisely and make your demands after the wedding. Go ahead, I'll give you some time to think. And hint, it's not from our marriage episode. Go ahead, guess bitch, try to guess. [♪ music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing, music playing Are you done guessing?

Well, the answer to the middle English proverb about not asking for shit until you've locked his ass down after the wedding is from our cursing episode. I know! I know! I was like, what? It was? It was? It was. One of the earliest sling words for vagina was indeed the word Kant.

Great, we learn something new every day here at Dark History. And also a bonus. One of my listeners sent me a pillow that had the quote on it. And it's one of my favorite things ever made. Thank you so much for putting this on a pillow. I love it, I hug it, I am it. Sorry, Joan.

Oh my God, calm down. Oh my God, I just blocked you for like three minutes. Not everybody loves your dress, okay? It covers one tit and not the other. It's just like, what are you doing? Like put on a bra. Thank you for making this. We love it. not the other. It's just like, what are you doing? Like put on a bra. Thank you for making this. We love it.

We meaning me. Throughout our time together, we've met some truly twisted characters, haven't we? But villain is in a strong enough word sometimes. So without further ado, the nominees for the sadistic f***a ward, right off the bat I want to acknowledge that Stalin did not make the cut for this category, because he is so evil, it just wouldn't be fair to the other nominees.

So don't be upset if I don't say Stalin, you know what I mean? Our first nominee is Karl Hagenbeck. In our zoo's episode, Karl made a name for himself with a big-ass zoo in Germany that had not only animals on display, but people, who he had essentially trafficked from other countries. Carl's methods for trapping young seals for his zoo included clubbing their mothers to death, and tricking their babies into thinking he was their daddy. Rat box. That didn't see that one coming, huh? Back in our torture episode, we learned about this quaint little torture device.

It was a metal box that had an opening on one end, which was placed on the body of an unfortunate victim, while a flame was held against the other side of the box. As it heated up, the rats inside would panic, and they would start to burrow into the flesh of the tortured individual. I think I speak for all of us when I say… Ouch. Huh?

Yeah, great. And our last nominee, Bermuda Triangle! Now you might remember Bermuda Triangle from our mysterious Disappearances episode. Miss Triangle has claimed the lives of hundreds of travelers and is notorious for leaving no trace of the boats she's gobbled up or the planes that she snatched clean out of the sky. Girl, you're so hungry, you're silly. Mm-hmm.

Don't want to piss her off. Great. And the Joni goes, too. Thank you so much. Oh, yeah. Let her open her. The sadistic award goes to, oh my God, Bermuda Triangle! From our mysterious disappearances episode, really!

Now I love to see it girl, you really be snatching people and just making them disappear, you're like a wizard. Great. Cheers to Bermuda Triangle. This episode and easy to craft recipes are brought to you by HelloFresh. Thank you so much. It is peak summer produce time.

And if you don't feel like battling the crowds at the grocery store or the farmer's market, HelloFresh is here to bring you the best of summer produce all season long shipped right to your doorstep. Now, what'd you look at that? Their ingredients travel from the farm to your door in less than seven days for quality that you can't taste, baby.

Pre-portion ingredients and easy to follow recipe cards help cut down on food ways and make cooking so easy, a little too easy, and it doesn't feel like a chore. I'll let that. And hello fresh's menu features calorie, smart, and protein smart meals if you're looking to eat healthier this summer. Plus they also have meals for vegan, vegetarian, and pescatarian diets. You can even switch out protein and sides to make a meal. I don't know, perfect for you, you know? Swap some stuff in, swap out. Ah, fun, love that.

I love Hello Fresh for how much time it saved me. I mean, instead of ordering takeout, like I hate to admit how many times I do that, but it's real bad. Anyways, but with Hello Fresh, I can have a delicious dinner on the table in under 30 minutes by looking for their quick and easy meals. They used to call me quick and easy.

And last time in the kitchen means more time outside for, you know, warm summer evenings. I do love a summer evening. Go to hellofresh.com slash dark history 50 and use code dark history 50 for 50% off plus free shipping. At hellofresh.com slash dark history 50 and use code dark history 50 for 50% off plus free shipping.

50% off. Mm-hmm. Hello fresh, America's number one meal kit. Our next category honors those characters from history that just came out of left field and surprised us. Now they surprised us in either a fun way or disturbing way. Our next category is the Breakthrough Character Award. Our first nominee is Little Red Riding Hood.

Our first nominee for Breakthrough Character comes from our Disney episode. Who knew that Little Red was a metaphor for a clitoris? Yeah, a big red throbbing clitoris. Going through the woods, dancing through puberty and countering big hairy animals. Now, I don't know about you guys, but Little Red's hood being a clit was living rent-free in my brain for a little too long.

And our next nominee is Dr. Louis Gillette. Back in our fragrance episode, Dr. Louis was hired to stalk a lake full of horny alligators, who turned out to be infertile because of waste from a nearby perfume factory. With this info, his team exposed the fact that fragrance contains hormone disrupting chemicals that not only caused fertility issues with those gators, but also in humans as well. Great work you're doing, huh? Alligators, they're just like us.

And our last nominee. As Moralda, the dog. Now, you might remember as Moraldo from our plastic surgery episode. As Moraldo was a sweet dog, just minding her own damn business back in 1961, when a plastic surgeon decided she would make a sexy test subject. They put her under the knife and gave her breast and plants.

In fact, the world's first silicone breast and plants. As Moraldo walked so we could bounce. And the Joni goes to. Thank you so much. Where are you? It's so nice to see you again. I love you. I'm way doing later.

I want to hang out with you. It's been so long. Oh. Great. Now, my guess is Esmeralda, but let's see. Breakthrough character who surprised us goes to Esmeralda. Can we get...

Can we get... Can we get... Can we get... I see you and get those titties up here girl. Come on. Good girl. You want to try? You want to try?

You want to try? Cheers to fake titties. up your girl. Come on. Good girl. My cheek. My cheek. Cheers to fake titties, especially if they're on dogs. One reason why I love doing dark history is that every once in a while, there will be a bizarre situation. So out of pocket, it makes me wish I had a time machine to go back and experience it first hand. This category celebrates those wild WTF moments we just love. So let's jump right into the nominees for most awkward moment award.

First up, Mary Astor's Dead Butterflies. Back in the Gilded Age episode, we learned about the wealthy socialite Mary Aster, who is obsessed with throwing Metgala level parties. One year, she imported thousands of beautiful butterflies from Brazil, which were supposed to just... Flit around the room, over the guest, just giving an enchanted garden vibe.

The butterflies were kept in a net attached to the ceiling, but when it came time to release them, they were dead. Apparently, they fried when they got too close to the lights, and their insect bodies just rained down on the people below. Way to leave an impression, Mary. You did it, girl. And our next nominee is getting randomly selected to be sacrificed for the corn god.

That's got to suck. Back in our popcorn episode, we learned about those unfortunate people who would get their name randomly selected to be sacrificed to the ancient Aztec God of Corn. Even though being sacrificed was seen as an honor by the priests, the process...it wasn't super enjoyable. Especially when you remember that the Aztecs were big fans of killing the sacrifice by peeling the skin off of their body. You know, to represent the way corn has its husk peeled off

before you cook it. Symbolism, we love to see it if I am not involved. You know, I'm great. And our last nominee is communal pooping. I love cooking. We first met communal pooping in our cursing episode where we got right to the root of why pooping is so private Medieval castles and bigger dwellings were built with large

One-room bathrooms kind of like public restrooms today But with no stalls separating the toilets. So when nature called it was perfectly normal to drop trow next next to your coworker or maybe your cousin and let it rip Bring it back bring it back. I want to poop next to Joan poop next Yeah, cuz you shit in my room every single day, bitch, and guess who I succlean it up No, don't even tell me it's not you. I know what bird shit looks like. I see it on my desk every day Okay, you're shit on my desk and it pushes me the fuck off I try to shit in your cage and guess what? I got yelled out almost got fired Anyways shut up and the Joni goes to Thank you so much. I wonder who it is

Get out of here. I'm like, God, this is my show. I don't need another person stealing it for me just kidding And our most awkward moment award goes to I Saw this coming Mary Astor's dead butterflies from our gilded age episode The dead butterflies couldn't make it tonight because they're all dead. But you guys won. Great work. RIP to those butterflies.

I must have been so iconic. More please. May I have some more? We're at the Joan Ease Awards show. I love awards. They're so much fun. We're out of champagne and I want to kill the nuns. Oh, the jones! Ain't it a fun-t-ha? You're welcome.

Thank you. This episode and a well-groomed man is brought to you by Manscaped. Ladies, are you listening? Are you ready to make the men in your life beach ready and turn their grooming game up a notch? This summer, give the gift of the beard, head your pro kit from Man-scaped.

With this game changing tool, they can shape their beers like true beach babes and make heads turn wherever they go. You might break a neck, but he's so fine. I don't know, maybe. Let me know. Visit manscapes.com, use code dark history and enjoy 20% off and free shipping. Surprise your favorite guy with the ultimate grooming upgrade and show them some love with manscapes. Now me personally, me, Bailey, Sarian, I love a beard. I love a beard. It's so delicious. Mm.

But a beard, you know, it's best when it's well groomed. Sure. Personal hygiene is super important, and some might even say vital. And that means taking care of facial hair as well. So if it's time to tame the mane, you can say goodbye to all his stubble trouble with man's cappes beard-headger

pro-kit. This trimmer has a rotary wheel that gives him 20 different links, all with one guard. I know, which means no more messy drawers filled with attachments that he probably will never use. Plus, it's waterproof, which means he can shave wherever he likes, even in the shower. Included is the beard shampoo and conditioner, specifically designed to moisturize, reduce in grown hairs, replace natural oils, and promote beard health. Their beard oil is designed to relieve dryness on both the beard and the skin underneath, while adding a little bit of shine, baby. And finally, cap it all off with their beard balm,

a pomade that shapes styles and tames for a squelped-ed look. All of these products are dermatologists tested and gentle on the skin. So trust me, ladies, you'll be looking like a whole new sh- neck of a man. Yeah, just kidding, but he might. Good for him. So get 20% off and free shipping with the code darkhistory at manskaped.com. That's 20% off with free shipping at manskaped.com and use code darkhistory. Manskaped, beard hedger, one stroke, one guard, 20 legs.

one stroke, one guard, 20 legs. And Joni, why is everything named after you? You don't do shit. I'm just kidding. Oh, we're bad, cameras on, my bad. Our next category is fan favorites. These are the episodes you just could not get enough of. Some of you clicked and watched multiple times on YouTube, and some of you even listened to these podcasts on repeat.

We love that you love these episodes just as much as us, because we at Dark History have so much fun making them. Our first nominee is Betty Crocker. Betty was an influential feminist, a baking queen, and last but not least, she was 100% made up. Yeah, fictional fake boop! I ask, she was a character designed by Big Flower Company General Mills to sell packaged cake products.

And it worked so well that Betty fans who visited headquarters and asked if they were able to meet Betty cried when they were told she wasn't real. I still think about that every day at least once a day. Oh my god, you know, like what the fuck? Our next nominee is perhaps the most evil person we have ever covered on Dark History. Stalin! Joseph Stalin was a ruthless dictator in the Soviet Union for decades. This guy checks every Dark History box.

There's mass murder, there's famine, there's war, there's being a horrible dad. He literally let his least favorite son die in a concentration camp. But to this day some people still love Mr. Stalin. His story is rarely fully covered in history class, but honestly, Stalin gives Hitler a run for his money. Next nominee for fan favorite is Lisa Frank. Lisa was a creative girl boss go get her who unfortunately hitched her wagon to a power hungry cocaine goblin named James Green. And it wasn't until recently that she wrestled her own company back from his powdery little hands. Oh yes Lisa Frank was essentially pushed out of the

Lisa Frank company by her own husband, which is just crazy. But the whole story is even crazier. And the journey for most loved episode goes to... This land is my land. From California. The New Yorker. Fan favorite goes to. Look at this. I know.

You called it Lisa Frank. That's right, baby. You deserve it, girl. You really worked hard. I like to give a shout out to a character we mentioned so many times. You deserve it, girl. You really worked hard. I like to give a shout out to a character we've mentioned so many times. It kinda started to make me feel like, Hold up! Is everything connected?

Do all of the roads lead back to this one thing? Well, I'll give you a hint. We started almost every single episode with it. Any guesses? Do you need more time? Yes! I have... Spin the heart.

Ah! This year's Joni Awards is brought to you by Vin Mariani. It's the only soda on the market that combines the velvety taste of French wine with all natural cocaine. For when you want cocaine and the hangover of red wine, Look for Vin Mariani at a supermarket near you. It's great. You'll have no teeth at the end of it. Worth it.

And we're back, hello. Did you guess who our most mentioned was? Well, if you guessed ancient Egypt, you were correct. Ancient Egypt. Yes. In season two, we mentioned ancient Egypt You were correct. Ancient Egypt! Yes! In season 2, we mentioned ancient Egypt in 13 separate episodes. Their icons, their trendsetters, they are the moment. They gave us winged eyeliner, perfume, magical tramp stamps, exotic pets, and so much more.

Where would we be without them? I just don't know. Well, friends, thank you so much. A little toast to everybody in the crowd. I hope you're having a lovely night and enjoying the buffet of cheese bread and hot dogs. But we've reached our last category. Yes, we have. We've made it.

Season two is coming to an end, and I've been crying. Just kidding. This award goes out to the show's favorite moments. I'm talking me, the writers, producers. Everyone's favorite moments. These moments made us stop and say, hey, history is wild.

Am I right? And there's still so much to learn out there. This is favorite moments of season two and the nominees are Addis and his severed Christmas tree dick. In our holiday episode this year, we learned that Christmas trees have a bloody history. Greek legend goes that after a man named

Addis cheated on his goddess girlfriend, Sibyl, she possessed his brain and started mentally torturing him. So much that he ran into the forest, collapsed into a pine tree, where he then chopped his own dick off and then died. Yeah, pretty wild. Sybil put Addis's spirit into the pine tree so he would live forever. So precious. To honor this story, Gratians would chop down pine trees and bring them into their homes for holidays and parties. I know. Are all Christmas trees just dicks? and parties. I know. Are all Christmas trees just dicks? Ah, ah. Okay. Well, you decide. Thank you. 9-1-1 started because of the Titanic. Our 9-1-1 episode highlighted all of the controversial origins of the iconic emergency services.

Phone number. 9-1-1. Now, 9-1-11 actually started as 999 in Europe. And one of the main reasons 999 was created is because of the damn Titanic. It's sink. Did you know that? There was this boat called a Titanic and it's like sink. Anyways, 999. The ship's dispatcher was calling out for help. And no one was answering because there

was no protocol about 24 hour emergency services. If you got hurt or your ship sank, you better help it happen during business hours. So England created the 999 service to avoid situations like the Titanic again. And the US eventually did the same thing with 9-1-1. And good for us, huh? And our last nominee is candles are literally killing us! Our fragrance episode this year was truly eye-opening, but probably the most shocking fact was that whenever you light your pumpkin, cinnamon,

marshmallow, coffee cookie candles, you're creating indoor air pollution. This is even worse if your candles are made out of chemicals that are toxic to inhale. Like paraffin or petroleum. Toxicologists have even published reports saying that burning a candle for one hour is the equivalent to smoking a cigarette.

Honey, kill two birds with one stone smoke the cigarette and also light that candle. Am I right? Ha ha. And the winner is, where the fuck are you hand? Are you in the bathroom? Jesus Christ.

Oh, Christ sakes. What are you doing? What are you so busy doing, skeleton hand? So you can't give me the envelope. Having a hard time with this one. Ah, our favorite moments of season two winner is, oh my God, I did not see this coming. Addis and his severed Christmas tree dick from our Christmas anthology episode. Now I got to say I love the Christmas dick. I've been putting dildos on my Christmas tree

every year and now I can finally, you know, reference this story, huh? Yeah. Great. Fuck that Christmas tree, literally. I'd like to take this moment to acknowledge the unexpected things we've lost this season. Will you remember me? Vastling bows from Placic's surgery. I will remember you. Gus, the bipolar bear from Zinn. I don't know the...

Why? Let makeup from makeup But if I did, I'd be singing them right All the muggies from Luffy Powder This we were dead Well, friends, toast, it's been a wild ride to say the lace, doesn't it? We cringed, we laughed, we cried, we felt meaningless and small. I mean,

personally, I can't stop thinking about Esmeralda and her dog tits. I kind of want to feel that. Is that weird? And personally, I'm looking forward to what's in store for season three. Now we've been reading your comments. Well, this bitch can't read. I mean, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, sued, and you know, just all the favorite

and nostalgic moments from our childhood. And we're gonna shine a light on moments in history that just aren't talked about enough. I tell you, but then why would you come back and listen, huh? Well, you'll have to be tuning in for season three, and I hope to see you there. I appreciate you guys so much for hanging with us for season two and I really hope to be seeing you next season.

Have a good day, make good choices, don't drink and drive, Bermuda. That triangle is at a control, am I right? I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day and I love you, cheers to the winners. Goodbye. Get the fuck out of my shawt hand. You, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, Junior McNeely from Three Arts, Kevin Grush, and Met N. Lowe from Maiden Network.

A big thank you to our writers, Joie Scaluso, Katie Burris, Alison Globoz, and me, Bailey Saria, writer's assistant, Casey Colton, production lead, Brian Jackers, research provided by the Dark History Researcher team. you