Date Yourself Instead - 5 signs you need to breakup + my views on sex & casual hookups

Episode Date: September 25, 2023

If you're in a sticky situation where you are attached to someone but you just can't seem to let them go, this episode covers the major warning signs and red flags that I personally feel could make or break a relationship. These are some of my dealbreakers that I find are helpful when deciding when to leave a relationship. In the second half of this episode, I talk about my views on sex and intimacy for the first time ever on the pod, and my perspective on casual hookups. If you enjoyed this episode, dm me @lyss! xx

Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of Date Yourself Instead. I had to scrap the whole beginning of this episode because it's pouring rain outside in New York City. I was super late to the studio today and I went to sit down on the couch and there's this giant pipe next to me that was running water like from the roof, I guess. And it sounded like there was a waterfall in the background of the microphone. And it was like blasting in my ears, and I couldn't focus, and I have the worst ADD. So I was like, okay, I have to move. So I ended up moving to the other side of the room, resetting up the whole microphone was this whole thing. Okay. Anyways, I hope everyone is having an amazing Monday so far. I am just gonna dive right in. There's a few topics I want to cover today.

So the first topic is the signs you know you need to let go of a relationship. What are the warning signs? What are the red flags? I get so many messages about this on Instagram. There are people that are struggling to leave toxic situations and relationships and friendships and even work environments because they're afraid of being alone and they're afraid of feeling like, oh my god, if I end this relationship, I'm never going to find anything like this again. I'm never going to be happy again and I'm going to be alone and miserable.

And this is such a common universal experience and it's such a common feeling and a fear that I have and a lot of other people have when you have something going with someone that's actually really good. When you have a really good connection with someone, you're emotionally invested, you're emotionally attached to them. You don't want to give it up because it might be good. It might be something, you know, super special where you've built a connection

and memories with this person. This person could have played a fundamental role in the development of your character. This could be someone that you're married to, or this could be someone that you met randomly at a party thinking that you were never going to find anyone, and then you fell in love and you dated for two years, and now things are just not the same. This could be a friendship that you've had for 10 years, and you grew up with this person,

and they feel like a part of your identity and who you are so you don't know how to drift apart because you don't want to regret ending things. There's so many different variations of this type of situation, and every situation is different. So I'm going to be speaking from my personal experiences of letting go, and the signs, I would say are significant if you are thinking about letting someone go, but you're not really sure in your hesitating and you're afraid to. And then the other half of this episode is really going to cover my views on casual hookups, my views on sex, and my views on intimacy in general with a partner and how I feel about it. And my personal experience is with hooking up casually and what it's taught me. And also, I'm gonna dive into this question of

when should I actually sleep with this person that I'm newly dating? Because I get this question a lot in my DMs. When should I sleep with them? I don't wanna mess things up. We have a really good vibe going. I want this person to still respect me and I want the connection to stay strong

and I want the connection to last and I don't want to sleep with them too early. There's this whole misconception around that question and I'm gonna really dive into it on the second half of this episode because to keep it short for now, I don't believe there's one straight answer for that question. But I will get into it later in this episode

if you're interested in my perspective on that whole situation. So let's dive into the first half. Letting go of someone that you really like or you're in love with, that you really care for, that you're deeply connected to and attached to. Letting go of a relationship that you care about is one of the most challenging things

that you're gonna face as a human being in this lifetime. Relationships are what bring us together. Relationships are a key part of humanity. We thrive as human beings off of our connections. And relationships are what shape us into the people that we are. They help form our identities. Relationships are so important in life. And it's literally like the glue that keeps humanity together.

And it's also a key part in my transformation. As a woman, I feel like I've transformed the most and I've healed the most and grown the most and learned the most valuable lessons from being an intimate relationships. Without human connection, we're essentially really nothing because at least from my perspective, I think who I am and my identity as a woman is the way I am the way that I am today, essentially, because of the intimate relationships that I've had in my life. So, obviously,

it can be exceptionally difficult to leave someone or leave a situation that you know deep down as in serving your growth, but you've built something so special with that person or you've learned so much from this person, or you just got so emotionally invested and attached. And this is a very common struggle. So here are some signs. I'm going to read you five that I think are really significant when you're not sure if you should leave a relationship, but you're thinking about it.

And these are five signs that I feel are warning signs. And I've been through all of these signs. I've experienced this first hand. However, I always profess my episodes with this. Take my advice, take my insight with a grain of salt. Okay, at the end of the day, it's your life and you get to choose what you believe and how you feel about certain things. I would never encourage you to leave a situation if you feel that deep down it is right for you and it just needs some work. But I think our intuition and our gut feeling often knows when something really isn't working and it's driving us crazy and making us less of ourselves.

When you feel like someone or something is making you less of yourself and you can't really thrive in your element anymore and you don't really feel good in your skin anymore and you always feel on edge and anxious and you just don't feel like you anymore That's a really big tell-tale sign that something isn't working. So Here are five significant signs. Number one, you're no longer surprised by their behaviors You're just drained exhausted and you feel defeated like okay, I'm just used to this behavior by now. Now, there was a guy that I was once seeing who would play hot and cold games.

I have dated a lot of guys who play hot and cold, also a very common universal experience where their energy would be all in and then all out and then all in and all out. And I was like, okay, does this person fucking have any interest to me or not? And then some days I would feel really confident about the connection and other days I would feel like total shit about the connection. I think that's a red flag in itself. I think that's enough of a reason to leave a situation to be completely

honest now that I'm 30 and I've experienced a lot of this back and forth. I'm pretty confident that the right person will never make you feel that way and do that to you and play that hot and cold energy dynamic with you. But anyways, if you're no longer shocked by their behavior and what they're doing and how they treat you and you're just like, all right, here we go again, type of feeling, that's usually a really big sign that you got to cut it off and you got to walk away. And I think that's a pretty obvious one.

However, often we stay because we just get so emotionally attached to someone and we don't even know the reason why we're attached. We're just like, okay, we think this person's attractive, we kind of get along. They are nice to me sometimes and I don't have anyone else right now, so I'm just going to stick it out. I've been guilty of this, so I know how it feels when you're just kind of in a position where you know you're settling, but you continue it and rough it out anyway, because you don't really have anything else special going on. Honestly, if you feel like you're settling, you 100% are, okay, that's another huge sign

in itself that I didn't even write on this list, but that's another point I want to bring up and I want to make. If your brain is literally telling you and your inner dialogue is telling you, yeah, probably settling, you're settling, okay. So back to the story really quickly, this guy was playing hot and cold, being distant and being really nice, and like one of those situations that I've spoken about on the podcast before.

And I was just like, at a point where it kept happening and I would just roll my eyes and be like, okay, he's not gonna text me for the full day, he's not gonna text me for two days, like, whatever. And it kind of got to the point where I was just neutral about it because I almost got used to this idea of them just being hot and cold.

And yeah, that's like a huge red-ped flag. And I don't ask me why I continued to tolerate that shitty, weird behavior, but we're all guilty of this at a point, okay? Because I don't know. I think I just give people so many chances because I want to see the good and everyone and I have a really open heart and I'm easily forgiving and I get over shit really quickly. So that's another big thing.

If someone's kind of treating me weirdly, I can get over it in like three seconds, kind of detached. Forget that it even happened. And then like almost forget why I was mad, you know, and it's easy to get back into something when you're so easily forgiving, but honestly, that's a cycle that I need to break, that I've learned that I needed to break and that you need to break too. Okay, if you're easily forgiving people and giving them multiple chances, who's going to end up getting hurt in that situation? It's always going to end up being you. And

I've had to learn it the hard way. Sign number two is that you've been anxious and stressed out for months whenever you're around them or you're interacting with them or when you think about them, you get anxiety because you don't know where you stand with them. It's constantly confusing. It's up and down and it triggers you consistently. Now we all have a little bit of fear going into new dating situations and I get that because sometimes it's our own fears and triggers from the past that will project onto someone new and it's not necessarily their fault or it's not necessarily that they're doing something wrong.

So there's been instances where I've been anxious for no reason because nothing bad even happened. However, if this person is deliberately doing things and saying things and their actions are actually making you anxious and uncomfortable, walk away. Okay, that's not the right person for you. And especially if it's been happening consistently. If it happens once, I would say, okay, you know, sometimes and very rarely, but sometimes, you can give a person a pass if it's just like an off day. And it's like the only and one in done time that they've done something that bothered you a little bit. But if it's consistent and you're constantly

retolerating shitty-ass behavior, and it's making you anxious and it's making you constantly stressed out, cut it off, walk away. Because your purpose on this earth isn't to be stressed out and anxious and in pain from someone else all the time. Okay, that's not your job and that's not somewhere where you should be directing your energy. That's not something that you should be occupied with trying to figure out the direction of a relationship and making yourself sick because of it. And I'm speaking all from personal experience, by the way, I just want to say that because I've been guilty of these situations where I make myself physically ill because I'm trying to make something work with someone that can't even text me back the right way, that can't

even reciprocate a normal, easy conversation. That takes five businesses to craft up a two-word response. It's embarrassing. Now, I don't do this anymore, but I'm guilty of this in the past, where I'm like, oh, you know, they're probably busy doing other things, and they probably are working. They're probably doing X, Y, and Z. It's not a big deal, and I would excuse and justify everything in my head. Meanwhile, I was making myself fucking sick

because I'm like, okay, do they like me? Do they not like me? Am I wasting my time? Am I wasting my energy? The answer was always yes. I was wasting my time. I was wasting my energy. And I was giving my energy to the wrong fucking people

because I had low self esteem. And I had too much free time on my energy. And I was giving my energy to the wrong fucking people because I had low self esteem. And I had too much free time on my hands. Now, when you have a lot of free time on your hands, this is when you can often settle, because you have too much time to be thinking about what someone else feels about you. The right person isn't going to even make you question how they feel about you. And also, you'll usually find yourself attracting better people into your life when you're busy because you have a life, you have things that you're doing for yourself, you're putting yourself first, you're dating yourself instead, and you're not going to be constantly worried

about what someone else is up to and what they're doing 24-7 because you're going to have your own life. And that's when someone amazing usually steps into your life and gives you what you deserve because you're giving yourself what you deserve. And people mirror and match your energy based somewhere you're at in your life. So if you're in a place where you're insecure, you have low self esteem and you have nothing going on in your day-to-day schedule and you're busy worrying about what this person's up to 24-7,

you're usually going to attract situations and dynamics and people that don't appreciate you or value your time because you're not valuing your own time, right? So that's kind of how the laws of the universe work. Hate to break it to you, but you need to have your own life and you need to have your own schedule and your own plans. And you need to do things for yourself constantly and put yourself first before you attract anyone of great significance into your life that's going to value you the way that you value yourself. Sign number three that you should probably let go of a relationship is that you keep thinking in your head that you deserve better. Now, I touched on this when you think in your head that you're settling, you usually are.

Number three is if you think you deserve better, you usually deserve better. That thought would not cross your head if you were with someone that treated you amazingly and treated you like a queen and gave you everything that you deserved, right? you amazingly and treated you like a queen and gave you everything that you deserved, right? Like, it's not that hard to be nice. And I had this conversation with my ex-boyfriend a while ago because I was asking him, you know, how do you guys think? And I was prying him because in the past, he was a player and he treated girls. I wouldn't say he treated them disrespectfully. I mean, maybe from their perspective, maybe he did. But he said that he never really thought too much about how a girl perceived him.

He was just focused on hooking up with them selfishly. And I don't want to out him. I don't think anyone knows who I was dating before, but I'm not going to, you know, obviously dive too much into detail, but he was basically telling me like, I didn't really think too much about a woman's emotions. If I didn't care about her, I just did what I needed to do. I was nice to her because it was so easy for me to be nice, but I just always knew that I never wanted anything serious and I wasn't going to entertain it any

further than just to hook up. He's like, I would be honest with them if they wanted something more, I would tell them I didn't want that. However, I just feel like it's very simple and black and white. Like you will know if a man is interested in you, you will know if he wants to be in a relationship because he'll tell you that. Like men are pretty black and white and they're pretty clear about that and they're clear about where they stand most of the time.

At least for him, this was like his take on it and his perspective. And he was like, I knew that a lot of the people that I was dating or whatever it was, like they probably did deserve better, but that wasn't my responsibility. And I was like, well, that's kind of like insane to me because I think from a woman's perspective, like we're almost expecting that if we vocalize how we feel and we say what's on our mind and we say like we want to be treated the certain way, like the guy can change or the guy can do better and show up is better because we know what we deserve

and we have these high standards, so we'll vocalize that and things will magically change and he's like, no, like a man is not going to change unless he really cares about you from the get-go and like he knows if he cares about you or not. And I don't know, I just thought there was a really interesting thing to hear because with me, he treated me like gold, right? He treated me amazingly. And he

was always so respectful and so kind. And that was from day one where he was very clear about his intentions. And he was like, I want to be in a relationship with you. I care about you so much. And I realized that was what I deserved. And in the past, I never got that from other guys. And he was like, well, honestly, they probably feel the way that I feel about you about another girl, but they don't feel that way about you. Specifically, it doesn't mean they're a narcissist, it doesn't mean they're an asshole, doesn't mean their piece of shit. It just means that they didn't feel that way about you. And we can't help how we feel. It's just a feeling. And I'm like, wow, it's means that they didn't feel that way about you and we can't help how we feel.

It's just a feeling. And I'm like, wow, it's really that fucking simple. Like for a woman, I think love and connection and being with someone can be built almost. Like a woman can not really like a man for a long time. And then that connection could be built. If he's treating her with love and respect and treating her the right way, right? Whereas like a man kind of just knows. Like that's not really built for him. It's just there or it's not from day one. I think that was the point he was trying to make

and it was so fascinating to me because I realized that most of the time when I was engaged with another man and I was dating him, I knew I deserved better and I would always beg for it and I would always plead for it in different ways while China still seemed chill. I was like, listen, like, I don't really like the way you're treating me, blah, blah, blah.

And I would fucking try to train these people to treat me better because I knew I deserved better. When in reality, you can't train someone to treat you better. That's embarrassing. They're not a dog. Okay, you can't train a man to be better for you. The only way someone will be better for you is if they are willing to change for themselves and for the relationship and they have to make that conscious decision for themselves because they want to be a better person and do better. But most of the time you can't force that to happen.

And I think, you know, looking back most of the time, I would say 95% of the time I knew I deserved better and I still didn't walk away and I still chose not to let go and just rough it out and stick it out because I thought there was potential. When in reality, it never ended up working because it was kind of forced. It was like me holding on to something that I was begging for. And you should never have to beg for someone's respect and decency and you should never have to beg for someone to fucking care about you because it's just ridiculous. There is someone out there that will care about you and respect you and love you and give

you everything that you deserve without you having to beg for it. And I experienced that with my last relationship. And that's kind of why I brought him up in the first place because he's a very honest, direct person. And he was like, yeah, like, someone either cares about you or they don't. And it's just a feeling that we get, whereas like, there were other girls that I saw before you

that were gorgeous, that were hardworking, that had amazing jobs and had so many things going for them. And I really did like them as a person, but I would never things going for them. And I really did like them as a person, but I would never see myself with them. And it was just a feeling that I had with you. It wasn't that, you know, you have certain qualities that someone else didn't. It was just the connection that made me feel close to you and made me want to date you. And I'm like, is it really that simple? And we're just like over complicating everything. We have all these

rules of dating and like, what you should do and what you shouldn't do. It's like so fucking insane to me. How women often, we drive ourselves crazy internally trying to decipher everything when really for a man is just a feeling it's either there or it's not. Another sign that I think is super important is to understand why you're holding on. And if it's because you're having a fear of being alone, that's not enough reason to stay with someone. If you're afraid of just being alone,

think about it this way. If someone else amazing, that was just your type, walked into the room right now and said, Hey, I want to go on a date and you took up the opportunity and you realized that this person was actually the love of your life and you wouldn't be alone. Would you have the courage to walk away from the other person that you're seeing? And if the answer is yes, you're usually just staying because you have a fear of being alone, right? Like, for me, there's been times where I knew if I had had someone else in the picture, I probably wouldn't have stayed as long as I did. But my fear of being alone

kept me there because I didn't have anyone else at that current moment. So that's why I always say just be wary of the reasons why you're actually staying with someone. Like if you are just scared that you're never going to have anyone else and this person is just nice to talk to and this person is just nice to text, you should probably really reevaluate if that's worth it because you might be blocking the right person from coming into your life if you're clinging on to someone that's not right for you just out of the fear of being alone.

Some other signs that someone isn't right for you, I pulled these from Google actually, but these are pretty straightforward and basic. Constant negativity if the relationship is constantly bringing you down, a lack of trust. If you're constantly doubting the other person's intentions, if you just don't feel like you could actually trust them, if you can't communicate,

if you have two totally different communication styles and you keep clashing, obviously in the beginning, if two people have two different communication styles, that can be really tricky to navigate. If the connection is strong enough, I think you can overcome that. But if you are already fighting with someone early on for the first few months of a relationship,

just be self-aware and understand that that's probably not the best sign. Obviously, every situation is different. But for me, I know when I cannot communicate with someone properly from day one, and they don't understand my emotions, and they can't read me, and they don't understand how I'm feeling consistently. I'm like, this is never going to work because I am so big on communication. Communication for me is the number one thing in a relationship that I need over anything else. Like, I don't know if it's my Gemini rising placement or some shit, but like, I need a man to understand every word that comes out of my mouth.

Like, if we can get lost in a conversation and we feel like we're the only two people in the room, that's the biggest green flag to me where I'm like, I'm in love with you, let's get married. Because it's hard for me to find someone where I really, really click and vibe with and we both understand and communicate with each other in the right way. And you feel like you've known someone for years. When you feel like they're your best friend

and you just fucking met them, that's a really good sign. However, when I'm talking to someone and it's like pulling teeth and I'm like, what do I say next? Like, I don't even know what to talk about. And I start panicking and I have to take a tequila shot to have any sort of line of communication with them. I just know it's not going to last, okay. I just know it's not gonna last, okay. Some other signs, feeling constantly unappreciated, that's a big one, and it's a very common feeling when you're not with the right person. You don't feel like you're being valued. You also feel like when you're with that person, you don't feel special, and you don't feel like they really see your value and they don't really see you for you

and they don't really see what you bring to the table. It's like, hello, are you fucking blind? Like, how do you not see? How do you not see me for who I am? When someone makes you feel like that, that's the worst fucking feeling in the world. And I was listening to a podcast, I love this podcast from this guy,

I don't know from this guy. I don't know like how to say it. By this guy, Leo Skeppy, okay, it's called Aware and Aggravated. And there was one episode where he was talking about standards. And he said something like he was with people that just were on this different vibrational wavelength essentially, and they just couldn't appreciate who he was. And they couldn't see his value because they were so used to being around a certain caliber of people that they couldn't see how much different and valuable he was.

And it made him feel really small, right? And I think that's such a common thing that I've also experienced where I'm in a room of people who are kind of like just not on the same wavelength where they don't really appreciate my insight or they wouldn't appreciate what I bring to the table. And then it would make me feel like I wasn't worthy but it wasn't about that.

It was just that we were on two totally different playing fields in life. I'm not saying that in a cockier, conceded way. It's just that we were on two totally different playing fields in life. I'm not saying that in a cockier, conceited way. It's just how it is sometimes. People aren't necessarily going to see your value sometimes because they're just not on the same frequency. And that's okay, but you shouldn't have to take that personally. And also, it just means that they're not the right people for you. And there's been times where I've dated people where I knew they just couldn't see my value and it was like so frustrating at the time because I was taking it so personally.

I'm like, hello, like wake the fuck up. Don't you see what you have right in fucking front of you? Like I'm a fucking queen. Why don't you appreciate me? But sometimes you can't force someone to see that. They're just not on the same level, and that's okay. It's just a sign that they're not right for you and you gotta walk away.

Another really big sign that you should probably leave a situation which is pretty clear cut and straightforward is constantly being disrespected. And I went through a situation, I mean, I wouldn't say fairly recently, but there was a situation where I was talking to someone and I found out that they lied to me about seeing another girl. And they told me that they had like family commitments. And then I found out that they had a girl visiting them or something, something along those

lines, I'm not going to get to into detail, but it was really fucking annoying because it's not that I was deeply emotionally invested in the situation, but it was more so the fact that I just felt disrespected. And I don't like when people fucking lie to me straight to my face, especially early on, in a situation. If I'm getting to know someone and they're lying to me already, huge red flag, and also just that feeling of being disrespected early on, can set the tone for the rest of the relationship because they're like, okay, like how am I supposed to even trust anything that comes out

of your fucking mouth now, right? So for me, that situation was really telling, and it broke my trust. And when you break a Capricorn's trust, it's really hard to gain it back, and sometimes we'll never give you that opportunity to gain it back. And feeling disrespected when you know your value

is like, it's the worst feeling in the world because we're like, how can someone lie to my face about something? That wasn't even that big of a deal. It was just more like the principle of it all. Or I'm like, that's not gonna fly. That's not gonna cut it for me, and I know I deserve better.

If you have that feeling of being disrespected, it's probably not the best sign. And you should probably consider walking away. It doesn't always mean it's going to happen again and again, but just be wary of it and be very self-aware. Now, I think I've made my case, my points with all these signs of when you should probably consider leaving a situation or relationship.

And now let's get into the next topic, which was also very highly requested. My views on when you should sleep with someone and my views on casual hookups and all that stuff. Now, I don't think there's one straight answer for this. Honestly, I really just was always kind of like, it's not a big deal if you really like someone and you feel the vibe, do whatever the fuck you want to do. That was always my mentality around casual hookups and situations. To each their own, right? There's no judgment.

This is a judgment-free space where if you want to hook up with someone and that's what you want to do, that's your personal choice. So go ahead and do that. You don't have to play by anyone's rules, right? You don't have to do what everyone else is doing. If you feel like in your situation, the timing is right, and that's don't have to do what everyone else is doing. If you feel like in your situation,

the timing is right, and that's what you want to do, go for it. And don't beat yourself up or judge yourself based on other people's timelines. However, I will say for me, a huge thing in actually hooking up with someone now is feeling emotionally safe, feeling super comfortable around them and safe in their presence, feeling like I can trust the person, feeling like we have a deep connection, and feeling like there is great potential for a good, solid, healthy relationship. Now, this doesn't mean I need to be in a full-blown situation with someone where we're getting engaged before I sleep with them, but I do feel like there needs to be in a full blown situation with someone where we're getting engaged before I sleep with them,

but I do feel like there needs to be a mutual level of respect. There needs to be an emotional bond and there needs to be the potential of something serious in order for me to consider having sex with someone. And that standard came from a lot of mistakes I made in the past where I would trust someone too soon and I thought something was good when it really wasn't that good and I kind of slept with someone and regretted it because it ended up

just being meaningless and pointless and I think for me personally having those high standards now is what works for me. Like, I need to know that that person cares about me and cares about my feelings and my heart and sees me for who I am before I give my body to them and exchange energy with them in that way. Because that type of physical closeness is really important to me. And I didn't value the importance of it when I was much younger. And now looking back, it's not that I necessarily really regret any of my experiences, but I just feel like if I could take one thing from those experiences, it would be to value and protect yourself.

Because when you do hook up with someone, you are exchanging energy. And I didn't really understand the power of energy when I was younger also, but now that I understand how powerful energy really is, I'm not going to give my physical energy away with someone that I don't care about or someone that I'm not on some sort of emotional connected level with, right? Because it just doesn't feel good to me to do that. And it doesn't feel worthy to do that. But as I said, to each their own, like if you're in a phase of life where you just

want to have a good time and have fun and you don't really care and you're not emotionally invested by all means, do whatever the fuck you want. But yeah, that's pretty much my take on it. And then this whole question of when you should sleep with someone is up in the air like there's not one answer here. So with my previous series relationships and my series' boyfriends, things happened pretty quickly. And it was because the connection was so intense, and I trusted them. So there was always that level of trust

when things happened super fast. And they all became my boyfriend. All three situations that I was in, I hooked up with him pretty quickly, but they turned into relationships because I trusted myself in my intuition. And we just had such a deep emotional connection that none of it mattered. The timing did not matter. And I ended up in serious relationships

because I trusted myself. And I knew that this person was worthy of me being intimate with them. If you feel like it's right and you trust the person that you're dating and you're seeing and you feel really good about it, trust yourself and do whatever you want. Do it if you want to do it. If that person walks away from you after that, that was obviously not the right person. And I also feel like, you know, if the connection is there and the connection is real and it's authentic and it's authentic and it's genuine, nothing is going to fuck that up.

And I always say this, nothing's going to fuck up what's meant for you. So you're not going to fuck up a relationship that could happen by sleeping with someone, right? And if it's not meant to be, it's just not meant to be regardless of when you decide to hook up with them. That's my honest take, but then again, everyone has a different opinion around this. Now, in my last relationship, I asked my ex when we were dating, I was like, oh, so did it really matter the timeline of when we slept together?

Because I remember I waited longer than usual. I, with him I waited actually. Okay, so my last relationship, I think I waited several weeks, maybe it was a little over a month, and we were seeing each other every day, and everything was kind of accelerated to begin with because we met during COVID, but I waited over a month,

and we were hanging out very often. So a month felt like three months. A month felt like a pretty long time because I was literally basically living with him and I hadn't, we hadn't had sex. And he was like, oh, well, I don't think it would have mattered in the long run because the connection I felt for you and what I felt for you was so strong. However, I respected and appreciated that you took your time with it. I liked and I valued that you weren't down to do that right away and it made me appreciate it even more when it did happen. And that was his honest take and I really, that made sense to me. Like I understood that and I was like, yeah, like I really actually was so happy that I waited.

And I did things at my own pace when I felt comfortable. Because in the past, I would feel this like unspoken, weird pressure to hook up with a guy if he was actively pursuing me and whining and dining me, I would feel this like pressure. Like, oh my God, talk to I have to sleep with him. He's taking me out. He's spending all this money on me, blah, blah, blah. And now, obviously, that was in my early 20s when I felt that pressure, but now I'm in a place where I'm like, you don't owe anyone shit. You have to do things at your own pace. It's your body. It's your life. It's your choice. Like you have to operate at your own speed and whatever you're comfortable with. And if that person isn't willing to wait,

then they're not the right person. Then they really never gave a fuck about you. If they're willing to walk away because you're not gonna sleep with them after a few dates, that's just not the right human being that you wanna be with regardless. So you aren't losing anyone. You really have nothing to lose by honoring what you want, right? So that's my opinion on that whole situation. At the end of the day, it's up to you. You don't have to compare timelines,

you don't have to judge yourself, you don't have to ask your friends for advice about it. Do what you personally feel comfortable with. And if that means waiting until you're married, because there's a lot of religious people that I know that do that. And I think that's also a really positive, beautiful thing. If you want to wait, you know, two to six months,

if you want to wait a week, if you want to sleep with someone on the first date, you got to do whatever the fuck you want. And you will learn more about yourself, and you will learn lessons from whatever you decide to do. And for me personally, I've learned my lessons just by trusting more about yourself and you will learn lessons from whatever you decide to do. And for me personally, I've learned my lessons just by trusting what I felt in the moment and now I'm at a place where I'm like, I really do hold hooking up to a very high standard for me.

I need to really have a deep connection with someone. And that's it. That's my take on it. And I think that concludes today's episode. I feel like we covered a lot on this episode. If you enjoyed it, always DM me on Instagram at lists or on the podcast account. At date yourself and said, be sure to rate the podcast on Apple and Spotify. Please go follow me on Instagram. I don't mean to sound like I'm begging you, but like I post a lot of additional dating content on there. That's how I connect with all of you. That's how I go through the different topics

for the episodes and it's super helpful. And I love connecting with you guys on a deeper level. I love you. Thanks as always for listening and stay tuned for next Monday. and stay tuned for next Monday.