Date Yourself Instead - How to deal with depression. You're never alone.

Episode Date: October 17, 2022

It’s okay to allow yourself to feel your feelings. Lyss tells the story of entering therapy and the lows she had to let herself fully experience in order to get to the root of her issues. The only way out is through and Lyss talks about the loss and shock she felt before finding her purpose and reinventing herself. Don’t put off moving your body, trust the process & lean into what make you feel alive.Connect with the Date Yourself Instead Movement: Website | InstagramConnect with Lyss: TikTok | Instagram | YouTube

Welcome to date yourself instead. Date yourself instead? What does it mean to date yourself instead? I'm just going to learn how to love myself and that's it. A negative emotion only arises when you are ready to be free of it. I read this line from The Greatest Secret. It's a really amazing self-help book and it instantly resonated with me. When I turned 28 years old, I went through a really big turning point in my life

and it was a huge mental transformation that was super difficult on me. Every single emotion that I had ever suppressed probably since child, childhood and every core memory that I had pushed down and never really healed and dealt with as an adult. I had pushed everything so far in my subconscious and now it was suddenly bubbling to the surface of my thoughts and driving me crazy. And it felt like I needed to go straight into therapy out of nowhere. It just hit me like a ton of bricks and I was so caught off guard and I didn't know what was going on. But suddenly every day I would wake up and have like crazy anxiety, all these crazy emotions eating at me, and I needed help. It truly felt like for months my thoughts were

literally uncontrollable, and I would do everything in my power to think positively and like talk to friends, talk to family, just try to distract myself and do whatever I could to heal myself, but nothing seemed to be helping me. And I was trying so hard to feel good all the time, but I felt so heavy and so sad, and I fell into a really big depression. And I never really understood depression, like serious depression, until this turning point in my life. My mind was always all over the place. I felt like there was nothing I could do to feel better. I felt completely out of my own skin. And the more self-help books I actually read, the worse I typically felt, because I was trying so hard to just get my mind off of these emotions. I wasn't actually directly dealing with any of them.

All of my biggest fears about myself and my future and my life and like a lot of things that I never really addressed were just plaguing my mind and I couldn't escape them. For the first time in my life, I could not actually distract myself with work or with a guy or with anything. Like, they were just there. The emotions were eating at me and I knew I finally needed to confront them and actually heal them and deal with them. When I entered therapy for the first time at 28 years old, I realized that a lot of my emotional issues stemmed from childhood, but just from suppressing so many emotions that I had never actually spoken about. I was always for some reason constantly holding back my voice and afraid to truly speak my mind. And the truth is it's completely normal to have these emotions

because we are all human and sometimes we need to feel these emotions in order to work through them and actually release them and let them go to ascend to a higher level and to actually become a better person and a stronger and more resilient person. The only way out is through. Like that's what I took from this experience. And sometimes going through a process like, this can be extremely painful. And I definitely empathize with people now who talk about depression because I thought depression was really just being really sad and upset. But it's not. It's almost something that you cannot control because there's just so much going on and so much happening internally. And it's so hard to actually vocalize how you're feeling to someone else when you're actually

living inside of it. So I wanted to get into this episode by talking about how I dealt with my depression, anxiety, how I dealt with this difficult time for me, and also just share some of my wisdom and what I learned along the way. So let's get right into it. I started seeing a therapist in the midst of feeling like there was literally nothing anyone could do to help me. I was super doubtful. I resisted therapy for a while because I thought I could handle everything on my own and I didn't need anyone's help. I do not like asking for help. I'm the type of person where I just don't like burdening people with my problems. I've always been that way. I'd just bottle every in and deal with it internally on my own because I don't want to bring other people into my mental

battles. It could be really scary. And yeah, I don't know. I just love helping people and getting my own advice out there. But when it comes to people helping me, I've always kind of shied away from that and avoided it at all cost. I'd rather deal with a problem myself. But it got to the point where I really, I really did need help. And I finally had to just let my guard down and be like, okay, it really is okay to ask for help. If you're really going through an insanely difficult time, it's okay to ask someone for help. So here are some things I took away from entering therapy that really made therapy all worth it in the end. It's okay to feel. It's okay to go through a grieving process, whether you're going through a really bad breakup or you just lost your job or you lost someone close to you like a family

member. Just feel. Like just feel. Feel your emotions and allow yourself to let those emotions take their course in whatever form they need to take their course, whether it be crying, whether it be laying aimlessly in bed, whether it be turning your social battery off and just not socializing for a while, like just unplugging, whether it be a week in silence and you're not really answering people's messages. Like, even if that means not talking to anyone for a week and playing sad music in your room, it's so important to feel your emotions. I used to try to play it cool after something bad would happen to me where I would just brush it off. I didn't allow myself to heal through anything in my life. I was just always bottling shit in or distracting myself with something else.

So when I actually went into therapy, I just could not stop crying during my sessions. The tears would just like flow out of my eyes without me even. Like I literally could not control myself. And I think it's just important to note, it is okay to feel your emotions. So allow yourself to grieve and process things. There is no shame in that. And it's better to heal now and feel in the moment than in six months from now or six years later. Like truly, it will eventually catch up to you. So just feel. During this season of depression for me, I realized a lot of the reasons I was so depressed is that I lost my purpose and my meaning in life. Like, I genuinely did not know what my purpose was and taking a step to actually navigate my purpose

and figure out where my passions actually lie and like what my purpose actually is was so crucial to slowly bringing myself out of that depressive state. When you feel like you don't have a purpose and you don't know why you're here and you're just waking up every day not being productive or doing anything or working towards a goal, it can eventually start to eat at your mental health. Like, it's not to say, like, you can't take breaks and like there's going to be periods of time in your life where you don't want to work. And like, that's totally fine. Like everyone deserves a break. But I went through a significant period of time where I really wasn't working towards anything. And when you're not working towards a goal or like some sort of purpose with meaning, it can really eat at your

mental health. In 2020, I lost my job. I used to be a travel blogger. For a lot of you who don't know this, I used to travel full time and make money shooting travel content with my ex-boyfriend. And not only in 2020 did me and my ex officially stopped talking and seeing each other, like the relationship completely came to an end, but my career was also down the drain overnight, basically. I had all these work deals lined up in 2020, and obviously they all didn't work out because the world shut down. We were in a global pandemic. So I had to figure out a new way. to reinvent myself and I started to get like super stressed out. I just remember being like super excited to take on the year. I think a lot of people experienced this. We all thought 2020 was going to be like

the time of our lives and then it was like a shock to our systems. And for a while, it really felt forced to like do any other line of work for me because I had been doing this for five years. I'd been doing social media since Instagram first came out like 10 years ago and I had been doing like the travel stuff for or five years straight. So to just kind of have everything come to a complete stop was definitely a shock to my system. So I had to find a new way to like completely reinvent myself. And for a while, it felt so forced because like TikTok came out and everything was like dances. And I was like, I can't dance. Like I don't know what I'm doing. It kind of just made me like reassess my entire life. And it was a forced career change. Like I had to rebuild an entirely new brand from scratch in order

to make money. I wasn't making any income. come. Like I literally made to be fully transparent. I made zero dollars in 2020 doing social media. Like I had to start doing other things. It was a whole life transition. It was just like the start of my depression. I just remember that was really the start in the beginning of when this all started to happen. Then I got into a relationship with someone new that ended up being a really toxic situation for me at the time. And when we broke up, I fell into an even deeper depression. So it was like one thing slowly on top of another thing and then another thing. And like it was just like a domino effect.

I just remember slowly over time. Like it felt like my life started to fall apart. I didn't know what I was doing for work. I didn't know what my purpose was still. And I lost another romantic partner. And then everything was stripped away from me. And I felt like I was pretty much left with nothing. And I had to completely rebuild myself from the ground up.

Like I had no relationship, no career, no purpose. I really did not know what the fuck I was doing. I also want to clear something up. I think people assume just because you have a large social media following, you're getting like crazy brand deals left and right. You're making millions of dollars a week. I think people just assume that because they see like high numbers on social media. And they're like, oh, every influencer is making crazy money at all times.

But it's so inconsistent. This industry is very inconsistent. It comes in waves. So like it's like an entrepreneur type of lifestyle where like one month you could be getting a ton of work and a ton of brand deals and the next month you'll be getting literally zero and nothing and it's like you're literally banking on brands to want to work with you. So it's a super high stress thing if you're not used to like inconsistency. I was pretty much used to it. But during COVID it really got to the point where there was like really not a lot

of work coming in. Like I'm just going to be real. And it just took a toll on me mentally. And it was also like just trying to figure out and navigate a new purpose and a new career. path can really take a lot on your mental health if you're not actually ready to make that career jump. Like I was by no means ready to give up everything that I had built for myself. Like I felt like I had built this entire travel brand and it completely kind of went down the drain. Anyways, so finding a purpose, I ended up somehow eventually in Mexico, which I'll get to in a later episode. I'll cover everything I did in Mexico. It was an amazing trip. And I did a spiritual retreat. And during that retreat, I realized I wanted to help people with their relationships and

their lives and their problems. And I wanted to actually help people through the same experiences that I was currently going through. I was like, no one deserves this type of mental pain. It's so hard to deal with. And I didn't know who to turn to. I'm like, who do I look to that's my age or a little bit older that's been through this shit? Like, I didn't know who I could look up to that was just like me for advice. So I was like, I need to become someone that other young women and men can go to in times of hardship and in times like these. Like I wanted to step into that role for the next chapter of my life. And after the spiritual retreat, I just felt like I had found some sort of purpose and an end goal and set the foundation for starting a new chapter of my life. And that's why I

created the podcast. And by no means did this like revelation in Mexico cure my depression overnight. Like I didn't come back to New York and I was like, oh my God, like I'm a completely new person, even though I did feel a lot better, but I just created a new path for myself. And I remember, like, once I keyed into my purpose and once I was like, this is what I'm going to do and this is why I'm going to wake up every day, that really did help me get out of bed and kickstart a new chapter of my life. The third thing that really helped me feel better at times was working out every day. Like, I know I mentioned this before and in previous episodes, but I cannot emphasize enough just like run or something. go for a run. I know exercising is like not probably not a lot of people's thing. I really hate exercising. Like I'm in the gym all the time, but I still don't like it. Like the actual process of getting up and going is the

hardest part. But once you're actually in the gym, like you will not regret it. Even if everything in your brain is telling you not to go, you will not regret going to the gym. And I always regret not going. By the end of the day, if I haven't worked my body and I wasn't active and I haven't really moved, I do end up feeling like shit because the gym creates a really mentally strong foundation for you. Like lifting weights, I just feel like a boss. I'm like no one can stop me in the gym. Like once I'm actually there and moving and sweating, I'm like, why did I like, why did I struggle with even coming here in the first place? Like I always end up feeling amazing afterwards. Like we know it's so good for us, but when we put it off, it's just easy to put off and say,

oh, I'll go tomorrow. Oh, I'll go the next day. And then it becomes a habit of just not going. but once you make it a habit, I promise you. It changes your actual reality around you mentally. Like everything mentally starts to feel better when you're staying active and when you're like constantly moving your body. Guaranteed. The next thing that really helped me feel better

was just trusting that nothing will fuck up what's actually meant for you. Seriously, you could do no wrong by making the decisions that feel right for you in the moment, by trusting your intuition. And if you're genuinely a good person, I really believe that nothing can fuck up what's actually meant for you. The universe or God or whatever higher power you believe in is going to cater to your best

interest and support your journey and your growth as long as you're a good person and you're making the decisions that you feel are right in the current moment. And if someone had to make a decision for you, for example, if you're in a toxic relationship and that person breaks up with you, good. Trust the fucking process. It's a blessing in disguise. You deserve the world. You deserve someone who's going to love you and all the ways you need to be loved.

and you don't want to settle for a shitty situation for the rest of your life. So just trust the process and look at the pain as a learning experience. And look at the pain as something to grow from and say, you know what, I never want to get to this point ever again. So I'm not going to tolerate a shitty person or situation in my life ever again. Bye. And lastly, just fucking lean towards the things that make you feel alive and that make you feel good and that make you happy.

If your ex didn't like the way you did your hair or the way you wore a red lipstick or he commented on your weight or had an opinion on anything or she had an opinion on anything. It goes both ways. Seriously, do whatever the fuck makes you happy and tune into that. Lean into that as much as you possibly can. I always say this. Life is too short and we get so caught up in the bullshit and what our partners or friends or parents tell us to do.

And no, like just do you. What do you want? What are your needs for yourself? Who are you? Like, who do you want to be when you wake up every single day? want to constantly be pleasing everyone else for the rest of your life, it's exhausting. Like, who are you without any opinions? Write it down if you need to, process it. Who are you? Like, once you establish your power and your self-worth and you were like, this is who I am and no one can

fuck with me, you will have a better experience taking on your life. I can guarantee you that. Life just gets so much better and easier when you stop giving a fuck about what other people's needs are for you. Attend to yourself, date yourself instead. I hope everyone loved today's episode. I did get a little passionate there at the end. I'm just really passionate about these topics because I know what it feels like and I've been through a lot of shit as well and I hopefully can inspire some of you to live a better life and just empower you and motivate you. I love you. Thank you so much for listening and have an amazing day. Stay tuned for the next one.