Date Yourself Instead - How to know if they're the 1 - GREEN FLAGS

Episode Date: September 4, 2023

Self love leads to true love. There is some wholesome loving content on today's episode. This is your reminder that you deserve true, deep, unconditional love. You deserve peace and safety. You deserve to feel secure in a relationship. Xoxo, Lyss <3

Hello, everyone. So I wrote this down in my notes this morning, and I thought it could help someone. So here we go. Be a loving person and don't be ashamed to be loving. And don't be afraid to love deeply and have a big heart and actually show it to the world. Do not close yourself off. Don't block your heart off just because someone didn't handle it properly. your heart off just because someone didn't handle it properly. Be everything that that person wasn't to you because only the loving will find true, unconditional, genuine, real love someday. The loving people are the people that heal the earth, and love is what brought you and me together. For those of you listening to the podcast, being loving and being on the same wavelength

of that and being a good, genuine, loving person is the reason we're together. It brought us together because we're essentially the same. You attract who you are. Now wouldn't it be amazing to find someone who could actually love you the way that you love and isn't it cool to know that someone is out there and someone out there like that actually does exist? If you love deeply and you're a really good person, I know I love deeply and I'm a good person. And I know the other half a million people listening

to this podcast are also loving and have a good heart and soul. If you're listening to the podcast, I know we're on the same vibration, we're on the same wavelength. And we all have the same type of heart, okay? So there has to be other people on this planet that can love as deeply as we love. And that's a really reassuring thought and it's a really amazing thought, an an affirming thought to have when, especially your single and you're going through a hard time and you feel like you're never going to find anyone better than your ex and you're never going to find a pure loving relationship. I used to think that way, but over time I realized that there are so many amazing loving people on this earth,

including everyone who listens to the podcast. And, you know, men included. I have a small male demographic, but all the men who message me, comment on my stuff, and communicate with me on social media. The ones that listen to my podcast, they're all such genuine, pure souls. And I could tell just my, their messages and what they tell me. It's just really cool to know that there are other people just like us walking the earth. And it's a really reaffirming thought. For me, I'm not in a relationship right now,

but I feel it in my heart and my soul that there is an incredible, amazing, loving, beautiful person out there for me. And if you're going through a hard time or we're single, we're feeling lonely, where you don't have a partner right now, you just have to keep reminding yourself that it will come.

And in the process of you being alone, this is the best time to just work on yourself, date yourself, focus on yourself, and love yourself so deeply so you could actually vibrationally align with someone who will love you the way you love yourself. I have no doubt in my mind that I will eventually meet the love of my life, who will cherish me, who will value me, who will provide for me,

and love me the way that I love them. And I truly, if my soul believe that, I don't look at being alone as something terrible. I don't look at not having someone right now as something negative. I look at it as a positive because I look at it as the universe is just preparing me to meet that person and in the meantime I have the time to focus on myself. So now getting into today's episode and the topic of today's discussion, how do you know if someone is truly the one for you? How do you know if someone's actually your soulmate and the love of your life?

I've been through my fair share of romantic relationships and I've really thought about this. And I decided to make a poll on Instagram recently, asking people who actually were in really healthy, long-term relationships or married, how they knew their partner was the one. I was actually very surprised by the responses because all of the answers were pretty much the same.

Everything was kind of aligned in a way, which was really fascinating. And everything was something along the lines of this person just comes my nervous system down. Whatever's going on in my head, this person had the ability to make me feel safe, make me feel secure, and at peace. I never had to question anything. I wasn't riddled with anxiety like I was in the past with my past relationships where I was deciphering everything

and trying to figure out what the fuck was going on all the time. I always felt pretty sure about us. That was the overlying theme of what people were responding to that question. And although, I obviously won't say one size fits all for everything, the overall theme I would say is that it always felt easy and safe. Safe to be yourself.

Safe to show emotions. Safe to get close and intimate. Safe to go through hard times. This concept of safety and just feeling like you can really be your truest, most authentic self with the other person right off the bat. Oftentimes we get ourselves in situations where right off the bat, it just

feels like a bag of anxiety. It feels like your stomachs and knots because you're trying to figure out what's going through this other person's head all the time. I used to get myself in a lot of different situations where it felt like very inconsistent. It just felt like this up and down roller coaster of complications in order to figure out what was happening inside of the relationship. And it was just never one thing. It was never consistent. It never felt completely safe.

And I've been in a lot of situations like that where I'd be dating someone and trying to give them chances to redeem themselves and chances to work it out with me or whatever it was at the time, I would always give chances. When in reality, when it's right and it's really fucking right, it'll just feel so aligned and natural and effortless that you don't need to give out chances. It'll just fall into place naturally. It'll be easy. It'll feel good.

Obviously, as I said, what I'm talking about on today's episode, it's not one size fits all where I'm telling you all to go and end your situation right now. If it's not 100% perfect, I'm not telling you to do that. But the point of this episode is really just showing you what it could be like, talking about what it could feel like and what it could be like. And for me personally, I don't want to live my life riddled with anxiety while I'm also building my career, focusing on my goals and dreams. You know, trying to maintain my friendships and trying to stay in touch with my family and just build my whole life up.

I don't have time for games. I don't have time for people being flaky, hot and cold. I don't have time for deciphering people's actions and text messages and trying to see if they like me or not. And when you really know what you want and what you're looking for and what you actually deserve, it's so much easier and life gets so much easier and better and less complicated. So for me, I know I'm looking for that safety. I know I'm looking for security and stability. And for someone to make me feel unstoppable, the way that I can provide

for myself and make myself feel good, someone should compliment that for me, right? So if you're currently in the talking stage with someone, if you're currently casually dating someone and seeing someone and you feel like you're becoming a less version of yourself, if you feel like it's kind of chipping away at your security, chipping away at your self-esteem, making you anxious all day,

I suggest you really reconsider entertaining the relationship because it's not worth it. It's not worth costing you your peace and your happiness, and it's delaying your involvement as a person. I want to know that the person I end up with, I'm evolving with, I'm growing with, I'm a better person because of that person. They should be adding and complementing to the life that you've already built for yourself. By no means am I in a relationship right now,

am I married right now in this very moment, but I know that I will be, and I know exactly what I want, what I'm looking for, and when I do have that person come into my life, I'll just know. I trust that I'll just know that this is the one, and I trust that they're also gonna know that I'm the one.

It should just feel good like you're on the same page because why don't you deserve that? Why don't I deserve that, right? I had a feeling of instant calmness and peace going into my last relationship. Even though it didn't work out, even though we're no longer together, I know what that feeling feels like. It also happened with my first boyfriend. He saw me, he knew he wanted, and we started dating. It was natural and effortless. With all the other relationships and people I entertained in between, I remember there was just so much stress

and anxiety all the time where I would question so much and it was just never clear. Everything always felt like one big fucking question mark. And I guess that's the overall theme with things that never worked out in my life. It was always a big fucking question mark where my brain was always holding on to the potential

and bits and pieces of what it could be. And I would hold on to all the good moments and be like, oh well, you know, he, and I had an amazing date last week and it was so much fun, but there was always a butt that came after it. It was like butt, he didn't text me the last two days. Something like that, where you're just like,

I really like them, I think they really like me, but there's this uncertainty, and there's this wavering uncertainty, where you're just ultimately at the end of the day confused and consumed by the confusion. I will say I think I needed those experiences, where I felt like everything was a huge question mark to compare it to what it should feel like,

which is ultimately easy and effortless. I know everyone's experience getting to a relationship is quite different and everyone's timeline and story is different, but the majority of the people who DM me and responded to the poll that I put up saying, how did you know this person was the one, have all pretty much said the same exact thing. It was the same message, just in different wording, where there was no games, there was no anxiety, and they were just sure of the other persons,

intentions and actions right off the bat. It felt like it wasn't a big deal to be together. It just happened. And I guess if I knew this information sooner, I think I would have saved myself a lot of drama and heartache because at the end of the day, it's really not that complicated to figure out where you stand with someone else. It's really not that difficult. It should just flow. It's like, okay, I like you, you like me,

let's do this thing. At least that's what I'm expecting moving forward in my relationships. When I meet my husband, I'm going to be 100% sure and he's going to be 100% sure. There's no guessing games here, okay? That's what I'm looking for and that's the type of certainty that I really want. Now, if you don't need that certainty and you are okay being in the up and down roller coaster dynamic or you're loving the confusing energy, by all means go for it, okay?

There were stages of my life where I loved being in situations. I loved casual dating. I had that phase of my life. I'm not in a place in my life like that anymore, but do you go off if you want to do that and entertain games and you like the hot and cold and it gives you that thrill? That's the phase of life that you're in, go for it, okay? Fully support that.

But I'm talking about me and I'm talking about for the people who are looking to get serious with someone, for the people who are looking for that deep soulmate connection right now. It's either they want to be with you or they don't, okay? And I truly believe that. And based on everything, I was a message the other day. I truly was pretty surprised because it was so easy to compile

all the messages together and conclude a very simple message, which was, it should be easy. It should feel good. It should feel easy. And it should feel safe. I actually saw this video on TikTok. And this woman posted a TikTok of the three signs of how she knew her husband was the one.

She said, number one, no time was ever enough with him and forever still doesn't feel like enough with him. Which was the cutest thing I've ever heard in my life. Number two was he calmed her anxiety in her head and he was able to really know what was going on inside her head and understand the thoughts that went through her head and calm that down, which is a beautiful thing. And number three, he felt like home to her. Home wasn't just a place anymore, it was actually just being by his side. I literally almost cried when I watched this video.

I was like, that is the sweetest, most romantic video ever. But what she was saying was truly hitting me and resonating with me because it makes you realize how often you fucking settle in situations where you're trying to get to know someone and they're playing hot and cold and they're not calming the anxiety in your head. They're making it fucking worse, okay? And watching a video like this was a great reminder of what I deserve and what you deserve. It sounds so ideal. And I guess growing up, I was more drawn to toxic dynamics because maybe I felt it was more exciting.

Maybe I felt it was more thrilling. And I liked the chase, I liked the unknown. I liked driving my cortisol levels up through my fucking ass. When you're younger too, you kind of want those things because it's exciting. At the time, maybe for some people, but it's an immaturity thing too. I wasn't mature and developed enough to understand that that's not healthy. It's not healthy to be in an up and down cycle with someone.

So now I'm at the age where I'm like, hi, sign me up for whatever that is because that relationship sounds lovely, that dynamic sounds like a fucking dream, and I want it, and I'm gonna find it. Hopefully soon, hopefully very soon. You know, when you have like a gut feeling that something good is about to happen for you, I've been having that recently where I just feel like my life is opening up

to new possibilities and new opportunities, and I've had this like a newfound excitement for life, And I just feel like I'm at a place in my life where I am really ready to meet my husband. And it's not like I'm looking for it. I'm not even on dating apps or anything like that. I'm not going on dates. I'm not really dating. But I just have this feeling that everything is aligning and making sense all of a sudden. And when I see videos of people truly happy and in love, I'm not bitter, I'm not like, oh, I can't handle this, I can't watch this,

I'm watching it as if I'm already in love with someone. I'm like, this is the most amazing thing I've ever watched. And just like getting into that mentality and getting into the flow of being so unbelievably happy for other people's love is such a good, healthy place to be in. Now, I wanna talk about green flags when you're dating. Some things I wrote down, I'm going to list out 10 really solid green flags for you. Number one, they don't play games.

They don't play with your head, they don't mess with your thoughts and emotions. They're not texting you one day and disappearing for four days and then blowing up your phone for another two days and then disappearing again for a week. Okay. There's no games involved. It's consistency. Consistency is key here. Number two, you always know where you stand with them and you don't have to be afraid to

express who you are. You can ask them questions freely. You can tell them what's on your mind. For example, if you want to know if you're actually dating them, you can openly ask and have that conversation without being rejected or being shut down or feeling like you're going to feel stupid, right? Like in my last relationship, I made a clear about what I wanted, made a clear I was looking for something more serious, and he was like, yeah, let's do this.

I like you. You like me. We're exclusive now. It was shocking to hear that come out of his mouth because in the past, I was settling for these guys that would drag me through the mud for months and say, I don't know. I don't know what I'm looking for.

I don't know what I'm looking for right now, but maybe soon I'll know. Like, no, okay, it should just be easy. Number three, it's easy to be yourself and you feel ultimately just comfortable around them in general. They feel like a best friend. I like to always say it that way. Like, my partner is my best fucking friend.

Number four, they have a healthy relationship with their family and a really solid, good group of friends. Number five, they have a healthy perspective on past relationships. They're not talking shit about their ex. They're not making it like that person was wrong all the time and they're misinterpreted, okay? They're not talking badly about the other people that they've been with. They see everything from a fresh perspective in a positive light and they wish their exes

the best. When someone's in that mental place and you're dating them, it's so refreshing. There was once a guy that I was seeing really briefly who told me that his ex used to accuse him of cheating all the time, and he was like, she was so fucking annoying about it, she would nag me all the time. And that's why I ended it because she was fucking annoying and she was accusing me of things I didn't do. And all that said to me was he had no respect for his acts.

When he was talking about her in that light, I was like, do you have any empathy or compassion for maybe what she was going through? Because obviously there had to be some sort of reasoning of why she couldn't trust you. Those feelings just don't come out of nowhere. I mean, sometimes if you have really bad anxiety from past trauma, sure. But like, he was taking no accountability, huge red flag, okay? So when someone actually talks lovely, like talks in a really loving and positive way about their past relationships, huge green flag.

Number six, they're motivated and driven and have some sort of goal or thing that they're working towards. Now, this doesn't mean the person you're currently seeing has to be super wealthy or you know be super financially like well off even though that helps when you're dating someone and you want to feel provided for I get it. But it just means that you have to be dating someone that has a goal in mind and is working towards something. Someone with a passion because who doesn't want someone that doesn't like has passions right? For me, I'm very passionate about my work and what I do and helping other people and I would expect my significant other to be on the same

wavelength to have goals and dreams as well, to have passions and desires and to also be kind and help want to help other people through the work that they're doing. I think that's super attractive. Number seven, they make a genuine effort to talk to you and see you pretty straightforward, pretty clear cut. If someone's not making plans with you, that's a telltale sign that they don't like you. Obviously, someone who likes you

is gonna wanna hang out with you and see you face to face. So that's a pretty big one. Number eight, they're always open, honest, and clear with their communication. Number nine, they respect your boundaries and don't make you feel stupid or wrong or insecure for having these boundaries. There were times where I would try to set boundaries with guys and they'd like laugh in my face or call me high maintenance or say I'm too much.

And I'm like, I'm not too much, you're just the wrong fucking person, dude. Bye. And that's how you kind of filter and weed out people who just aren't right for you. When they don't respect your boundaries, it's pretty obvious. And number 10, you feel safe. Like all the DMs I got, safety is a really powerful feeling. When you feel safe in the presence of someone else, that's the best fucking feeling in the world. You can just be your fucking self. And I love using that word because when you're with someone that doesn't make you feel safe,

it's literally the worst feeling in the world. Like when you're anxieties through the roof or you just feel on edge or you feel blocked from saying certain things, like you can't truly open up and be yourself or have deep conversations, there have been times where I'm in the presence of someone else and I'm like, jittery. I'm just like, oh my god, I feel really fucking weird right now. The energy just feels super off. And it's my intuition kicking me in the fucking head being like, hello, this person isn't good for your nervous system. You should feel safe and secure around the people

that are meant to be in your life, but you're triggering your fight or flight right now. It's happened to me several times. And now, for a little story time, there was someone I was dating for a few months, and there was always, always, always, always a fucking excuse around why this person could not commit fully, but they would always promise the potential of the future with us. They would always say, oh of the future with us. They would always say,

oh, eventually we'll get there. I really like you. You're my dream girl. I'm not there yet. I'm not ready to fully commit, but I will be. I like you so, so much, right? Typical things to say to someone to keep them in a situation too.

And I remember just knowing deep down that it felt so off and it felt like it was one big lie, but I continue to entertain it because there was this hope, right, there was this hope in the potential that maybe it would turn into a situation where I would be with this person. It's just holding the relationship there without the actual commitment that gave me

that anxiety through the roof. Because when you're ready to dive in and the other person isn't ready, you're in this waiting energy and it just doesn't feel right. And the point of this episode is really to just reiterate the message that you deserve someone who is all in with you the same way that you'd be all in with them. You deserve someone that knows where the relationship is going and guides you there with them and makes you feel comfortable enough to be inside the relationship without having to filter yourself or block off your true wants and desires or lie to their face and say,

oh yeah, I'm cool with that. No worries. When deep down, you really want something more. You deserve more. You deserve as much as you really want, right? And you limit yourself and you block yourself off from receiving better when you keep settling for someone that's not really sure what they want or that's not really sure about you. You're blocking the universe's greatest blessings and you're blocking yourself from meeting the potential love of your fucking life and you're ultimately settling. And looking back at my past, I was always settling. I was always settling for the maybe's and potentials of situations that never ended up going anywhere

because I was so patient, I was so kind. My heart was so open and I was like, oh, you know, I'll wait around for a month or two and see where it goes. Now I'm in a place where I'm like, I don't have time to waste. If you aren't sure about me and we're not on the same page, you're just not the right person.

And I was watching a YouTube video last night and this guy said something that really stuck with me. He said, sometimes God will make you let go of good for better. Let me repeat that. Sometimes God will make you let go of good for better. Now, I'm not super religious, but I take it as a higher power watching over me. Sometimes that higher power is gonna make you let go of good for even better because you deserve more.

And in the moment, that's a hard pill to swallow or believe because if you're already pretty happy with someone or if you were happy with them and you loved everything about them and they left you or you're not together anymore, you're like, how the fuck would it be possible to actually find better than this? Because they felt like the one. They felt like my soulmate. My biggest piece of advice is this.

Sometimes the universe or whatever higher power that you follow wants you to level up for a reason and transform for a reason, because you have not reached your greatest potential in your life yet. You don't know what you don't know. You don't know that you don't know. You don't know that the future version of you deserves so much more because you're stuck on the vibration of settling for someone that's actually not right for you. When you're stuck in a certain vibrational state where you think there's only one person

for you and that person was the love of your life, you could be blocking the potential of actually leveling up so much that you meet someone that's out of your wildest dreams, and you actually look back and you're like, oh, it all makes sense now. And it's hard to understand that until you've leveled up. But sometimes it takes a massive transformative breaking moment like a breakup in order to ascend to the next level of your life. I break up, I've gone through, I actually pulled myself together and I've leveled the fuck up. Because I don't wanna be stuck in a rut for the rest of my life. I don't wanna be tied down to one person

that can't commit to me because that's limiting. Why would I wanna be tied to this energy if someone that doesn't wanna be with me anymore for the rest of my life? I'm not gonna give someone else that power over me. This is my life and I make the rules. I'm in control of my destiny. I deserve real love.

I deserve someone who loves me the way I love them. So I'm not gonna allow this person or this breakup to permanently shatter my idea of true love or permanently debilitate me or who I'm supposed to become. So now I think of it like this. Yes, maybe what I had was good. Maybe the relationship was really good, but maybe I deserve even better than that. What about that as an narrative? Instead of saying you're never going to find anyone better, you're never going to have anything better, you're never going to have anything better, what about changing the actual script inside of your head? And actually believing that, hey,

this situation that really hurt me is actually happening to guide me into something greater. And it's not to destroy my life and it's not to break my heart, but it's just a wake up call to level the fuck up, to change the course of my life for the better, to transform for the better. Damn, we're getting deep on today's episode.

We're going, we're going all in. I thought I would conclude this episode with some cute uplifting stuff, the stuff that melts my heart and gets me every time. Reading stuff from a man's perspective, that's truly in love. On how men know that they found love with their lives. I actually went on Reddit and pulled these because a lot of men are there having discussions on Reddit. It could be a

really toxic place. I don't recommend using that website or anything, but sometimes you find gems. Sometimes you find some good forums that make you smile and this was one of them. So here we go. These are some things that men have said about how they knew their person was the one. One guy said, when I'm around her, I feel like I can breathe.

I have terrible social anxiety, but being around her is easy. I have always needed time by myself, but not anymore. As long as I'm around her, I'm better than I ever thought was possible. She saved me. I'm gonna cry.

Okay. Another guy said, everything is easy. Keep in mind the theme of easy, like I said in the beginning of this episode, he said everything is easy, as in conversations, making plans, traveling, discussing the future. It is all very easy with the right person. That word easy just hits me so hard because so many of us sign up for difficult. We sign up for complex, we sign up for complicated, for no fucking reason. When there could be someone out there where everything is just so easy, because some people

have experiences before it exists, I'm telling you. And I've also experienced it before. I've had easy dynamics with people and it was amazing. Another guy said, I knew after our first fight, we were able to sit down, both say we were sorry and really talk it out. This has been the defining difference. Can you fight kindly? Can you resolve your problems kindly? Can you take a deep breath and let go of your personal issues to alleviate the issue at hand? Can you sacrifice being right for the sake of peace? That's when I knew she was my person. Oh my God. Tears. Honestly, though, it's such a beautiful thing to read. Can you fight with respect and love and not have it be a screaming match? Have it be disrespecting one another?

I've been in toxic dynamics where I fought with people and it was verbally abusive. And it destroyed my confidence. It destroyed everything that I had inside of me. But when you know how to fight lovingly, it makes the world of a difference. When you still respect each other, even when you're mad at each other. That's a beautiful thing.

Another one. When she mentioned marriage and kids, I did not have the urge to run away and hide, but I rather saw a possible future I'd want to have. In the end, it turned out better for me than I could have imagined. I was so lucky to find her. Oh my God, That is so heartwarming

and so cute. I would love my future partner to speak of me this way, where they're like, she saved me. Like, not oh, he saved me. It's like, no, she saved me for I'm the one that saved him. No, or it's really should be mutual. Okay, you're helping each other. You're helping each other be better. You're helping each other grow and evolve into the best versions of yourself. That is the dream loving relationship where you want the best for each other, you respect each other be better. You're helping each other grow and evolve into the best versions of yourself. That is the dream, loving relationship, where you want the best for each other, you respect each other, you value each other, and you bring out the best in each other. Hands down, guaranteed.

And I know it's out there, and I know it's out there for all of you as well, and I truly believe that. I hope that was a helpful episode. I hope that was insightful to you. I think this is one of my favorite episodes I've ever recorded, to be honest, because it's getting me in this like really positive, loving, vibrational state where I'm just so excited for what's to come in my life. And I can't wait to share it with all of you when it does happen,

because I know a lot of you have followed me from the beginning when I started this podcast a year ago now It's been a full year almost which is insane to me and You've seen me go through the worst heartbreak of my life and you've seen me talk about it and I mean really heard me talk about it on the podcast and Have seen the podcast grow and evolve and now it's coming to the point where I'm truly ready to find true love and be really happy Yeah, I don't know. It's just really cool. So anyways, I love you. I'm sending you all the best energy, the best vibes.

If you enjoyed this episode, always feel free to message me on Instagram at lists, have an amazing day, and stay tuned for next Monday. stay tuned for next Monday.