Date Yourself Instead - How to radiate confidence, self love and power [revisit]

Episode Date: December 9, 2024

This was the most played episode of 2024 and I wanted to revisit it as we head into the new year - ready to uplevel and truly become the most unstoppable version of ourselves. How to radiate self love, confidence, and power is probably one of my favorite episodes because it is a REMINDER OF WHAT IS IMPORTANT. What if it was your last day here on earth? Would you be living your life exactly the way you are now? TAP HERE TO DOWNLOAD MY MASTERCLASSES (or join the waitlist!) If you enjoyed this episode, always feel free to leave a comment on Spotify or DM me @lyss @dateyourselfinstead. I love you, thank you for being here as always. -Lyss

What if it was your last day on earth? What if you knew you only had a few weeks left to live? Now, I'm not trying to get dark here at the beginning of today's episode, but I'm trying to put things into perspective for you because once you realize that most of what you're focused on, most of what you're doing right now, and most of what you're consuming your thoughts with is not really a big deal in the big scheme of things

because life is so short. That's when everything starts to click. that's when you're going to start to work on your confidence and improve your life and want to be better for yourself because you're focusing on the right things. Once you block out the noise and all the distractions and all the silly bullshit that you're spending your attention and time focused on, that's when things start to get really good because you start prioritizing yourself. You start prioritizing your mental health, your physical health, and your overall well-being. And that's when you start to become more confident and step into your power. If you only had a few weeks left to live,

would you spend your life harping on all of your insecurities and biggest fears and doubts about yourself? Or would you try to embrace the fact that we all end up in the same place anyway, so we might as well make the best of our journey and take advantage of our journey and appreciate who we are in this physical body? We should be taking advantage of the time we have here on earth. There is no time to dwell when you know you only only have. have a limited amount of time, to take a chance on your goals, to take a chance on your opportunities and dreams, and to really believe in yourself, and have confidence and faith in yourself that you are an amazing human being and you are one of a kind. If you knew you only

had a few days left, would you be worrying about the way that you looked and your physical appearance? Would you be worried about that guy that's been stringing you along or that person that stood you up or that relationship that didn't go as planned? We think. We think. millions of thoughts over the course of our lifetime, but how many of those thoughts are actually focused on committed to being a better version of you every single day? Are those thoughts focused on ways you can improve your life and make yourself truly happy? Or are a lot of your thoughts wired in the past and stuck in the past, where you're focused on the things that you cannot change or the things you wish you would have done differently? Or your deepest regrets, or your deepest

fears and wounds or rehashing the painful details of a loss or a breakup or just a memory that you can't seem to shake because it was so hurtful. Obviously, it's normal to grieve. It's normal to go through painful periods of time where you rehash the details of something that happened to you. Our brain is wired that way and it's normal and it's human and it's good and healthy to process emotions. But if you've been stuck in the same thought pattern for years, that's when things need to shift. That's when things need to change if you want to be more confident. That's when you need to think about rewiring your thoughts and your brain and your subconscious mind, because if you're stuck in the same thought patterns and cycles for years on end, that creates an identity.

The reason I'm such a fan of Dr. Joe Dispenza and I watch his YouTube videos all the time and I've read his books, I've consumed a lot of his content, especially when I was going through really difficult periods of time in my life. He focuses a lot on how to rewerews. He focuses a lot on how to wire your subconscious mind and how the brain is naturally designed to follow patterns. And we've built and constructed patterns in our identity over the course of our lifetime and we stay stuck in a mindset or a personality because we've spent years of our lives taking repetitive actions. So when you do the same things over and over again, your brain gets used to it and wires itself that way. The only way to see significant changes, according to Dr. Joe Dispenza,

is to completely shift your thought process and completely believe you are an entirely new person and be willing to step out of your old identity and into the new. In order to radiate true confidence and power and to create a brand new powerful version of you, you have to be willing to leave your old identity behind. You have to be willing to scrap your old plans, scrap the memories, scrap those toxic people and relationships you've been a part of, and be willing to leave people behind that aren't good for you. You have to leave the past in the past.

You can't keep rehashing the past and expect to change your future. Sometimes you have to put yourself first in an entirely new way. And although some people might perceive that as selfish, if you're really looking to change your entire future and reality and if you're really looking to uplevel and step into a more confident version of you, there are going to be certain things and situations and people that need to be let go of. because these people and these situations, if you're getting honest with yourself, are often preventing you from getting there. The first step is true bravery and living in unwavering faith and

being able to let go and truly trust that you're about to create a whole new person out of yourself. In the book The Fifth Agreement by Don Miguel Ruiz, he states that the power of the word is absolutely everything. What you feed your mind and what you tell yourself on a daily basis will dictate your entire reality and shape the course of your life. What you consume on a daily basis and what you feed your brain on a daily basis will ultimately define who you are because you believe the words that you speak to yourself and you think to yourself on a repetitive basis. He says every word in our mind has the power of our faith because we believe these words to be true and we believe the meaning of these words without a doubt. Humans are born with the power of creation and we're constantly

creating stories with the words that we've learned. We create the story of our own life with our words. So instead of letting your words define you on a daily basis and control you in a negative way, you are able to right now flip the script and change everything about your identity and your reality based on the power of your own thinking and your words. You can create a more confident, powerful version of you through the power of changing your words and changing the way you talk to yourself and changing your inner dialogue on a consistent basis. In order to step into a more confident version of you, you must also have faith in its entirety. You must trust and have unwavering faith that you are becoming a brand new version of you and that nothing is going to

stop you or get in the way of becoming this confident, powerful version of you. The power of your faith and of your belief needs to be stronger than the inner voice in your head telling you that you're not good enough, that you're not worthy enough, that you're never going to be able to achieve your dreams, that you're going to fail. We often have this inner dialogue that can plague us and it becomes a habit because we're so used to talking down to ourselves. We're so used to degrading ourselves because we don't feel worthy enough. But the truth is, the only way you're going to be more confident is if you tell yourself daily that you are confident and you have to believe that and have faith in that, that everything is going to get better for you and change for you.

And you have to have unwavering faith and confidence in those words that you speak to yourself. The only way your reality is going to reflect unworthiness towards you is if you believe that you are unworthy. However, if you get yourself to a point where you truly believe that you are deserving of constant abundance, that you're deserving of all of the most amazing things in life, and that you are truly confident, your reality will eventually start to reflect that once you've ingrained that in your brain on repeat. You must only give power to the things that make you feel good and that make you feel safe and that make you feel confident in your future.

So if you're surrounded by people or toxic situations or environments that make you feel like you're small, that make you feel like you're not good enough, it is truly time to really reflect on what you're giving your energy and attention to and who you're surrounding yourself with. And it's time to let all of that go. Cut them out. What do I mean by cut them out?

cut out all the people that are not making you happy or serving a real purpose in your life. Cut out the people who you know are holding you back but you're just too afraid to let go. Do everything you can to walk away from the situations you know are not making you feel good or that prevent you from truly believing in yourself in all of the best ways. In the book The Fifth Agreement, the author also asks the question, why not put yourself first for the first time in your life? You can relearn how to love yourself by accepting yourself unconditionally and you can start projecting unconditional love to the authentic version of you. There's no need to fake who you are

or have a facade. Confidence comes from being truly unapologetically who you want to be without external influences shaping you into something that you're not. When you love yourself unconditionally, you are no longer easy prey for an outside predator who wants to control your life. A lot of insecurities come from the outside world because we're unknowingly comparing ourselves to other people's journeys and timelines or physical appearances, and it eventually starts to chip away at our authentic selves and our security. But what if you actually put yourself first for the first time in your life, and you stopped consuming what everyone else was doing, you stopped listening to other people, you stopped hanging out with people that weren't good for you, you stopped

entertaining men that were toxic for you, and you started really shifting all the energy and putting it back into yourself. Now, what would happen then? What would happen then? Really, ask yourself that question, would you benefit from it? Are you just scared to take the leap? Are you afraid that the future might be worse if you let go of those toxic situations and people? Get completely honest with yourself. Because oftentimes the reason why we can't allow ourselves to be confident or step into our power is because we're just scared. We're living in a state of fear that maybe on the other side, things wouldn't be better. And that's something to really think about. because if you're currently not happy, what do you really have to lose by taking that leap of faith

and maybe stepping into a brand new timeline? One of the biggest ways to instill confidence is constant repetition. And repetition comes in many forms. This could be repetition in a routine such as making a commitment to work out and take care of your health every single day. Another way of repetition is repeating affirmations to yourself every day, morning, afternoon, and night, reaffirming how amazing and powerful you are and how confident you are. repetition is also important in regards to changing the narrative and your inner dialogue inside of your head on a consistent basis. Sometimes obviously this isn't an overnight switch, but just by being overall kinder to yourself when you catch yourself in a negative thought pattern and changing that, changing how you speak to yourself. If you catch yourself saying something really harsh or degrading about your character, for example, let's just say,

you have a habit of saying, this is impossible for me. I'll never be successful. I look really ugly today. I don't look good. I'm not attractive. I'm not good enough. This person doesn't like me.

This person doesn't want me because I'm just not good enough. I'm just thinking of things off the top of my head, but those are some negative thought patterns I've definitely had and carried with me in the past. In order to change that and become more confident, you need to catch yourself in the act and change and reframe those thoughts. That is the key here, to catch yourself in the act of thinking really negatively about yourself

and being able to reframe those thoughts into something positive. I've been able to build my confidence more through the power of changing every single thought inside my head. Whenever I start hearing my inner voice speak negatively, I catch it a lot faster now and I change it consciously and willingly. And this is also the main reason why I created my Dare to Detach Masterclass, which I know you've heard about on the podcast through Instagram. And it's the only thing I really promote because I know that it's effective and it's something that actually helps. And this program focuses a lot on rewiring your mind, reprogramming your subconscious thoughts and allowing yourself to step into a brand new identity by letting go of anything that's keeping you truly stuck in your life.

The thing is, when we detach ourselves from toxic situations or people, that is when the good stuff starts to come in because the universe knows when we've truly let go and allowed and cleared space for blessings to come in. It's also so easy for us when we're stuck inside of a toxic relationship to hand our power over to that person and to hand our confidence over. I cannot tell you the amount of times where someone has messaged me

and told me that after a bad breakup, or if they've gone through a situation with a narcissist, they come out of the breakup feeling the most insecure and defeated and least confident they've ever felt in their entire lives. And that's because toxic people are really good at taking your power away. One of the key things in knowing if someone or something is good for you or not is how powerful you feel around them. If you feel like you can achieve anything with someone standing by your side

and that you're powerful and you're unstoppable and you're fully supported energetically, trust me, you will know. And you will also know if you feel depleted, if you feel like you're not being supported, if you feel insecure and anxious all the time. You will also know. You will know if someone is good for you or bad for you based on how you feel around them. And a lot of the times, especially for me in the past, I know when I've been in a toxic situation, when I felt anxious, disempowered, and out of body and not like myself, that's when I knew my power was being sucked dry. Everything is energy, and a lot of toxic people can suck our power and confidence energetically. A really fun way I like to work on my confidence and my inner power when I'm feeling

insecure is to meditate and envision golden waves of light being poured into my energy field. I really like to picture myself as a magnet in my visualizations, drawing anything I want, and drawing endless abundance into my energy field and acknowledging that I am made up of energy. And if I am energy and I'm a magnet, I can control my magnetic field. And I could either draw in all of the most amazing people and experiences by the power of my thoughts, or I can draw in toxic situations and people through the power of my thoughts. But the beauty is it's really up to you. This magnetic energy field that you have around you waivers depending on how you feel internally on a daily basis.

So if you don't work on your energy, you don't work on your energy, you don't, don't really meditate, you don't really take care of yourself, and you keep going back to toxic people and things that are hurting you, this energy will waver and your energy will ultimately be sucked dry and your power will feel like it's been handed over because you're not looking out for yourself. Also, when you're not aware of how powerful you are and you're not aware that you're made up of energy and you don't really think about it, you're more willing to just give this energy freely away to others and allow people into your space. and those people will diminish your power because you're not protective over it.

You need to be protective of your energy and your peace. And that will eventually instill more confidence in you because if you work on that skill of protecting your peace and not allowing just anyone to come into your life, you're going to value yourself so much more. It might sound a little confusing the way I'm describing it now, but I will say to me that visualizing that magnetic field and knowing how powerful I am, and knowing the potential of my energy and knowing that it waivers based on the choices and decisions I make on a daily basis, that has helped me feel more confident because if you are aware

and you know that you have that control to dictate what comes in and out of your magnetic field, you can change the entire course of your future and your reality. You don't have to keep allowing people in situations that to plead your energy to come into your life. But the key is you have to be brave enough to say no and cut them out of of your field. You have to cut them out. And this, as I said earlier, is not always an overnight process, but it's effective. Because once you let go and once you detach, you will make space for better things than people to come into your field. And that make you feel more unstoppable. Another way I really love to work on my confidence is creating a really solid routine for myself.

I've said this in other episodes, but creating a daily routine for myself where I can predict how I'm going to feel based on the actions I take over time has laid the foundation for my confidence and my success with everything in my career and my life. And it has helped me love myself more. Just being able to focus more on what I need to focus on, to stay on top of what I need to stay on top of. And just knowing what I have to do when I get up in the morning is so beneficial. It's creating a new space for yourself where you could truly focus on who you you are, know what you have to get accomplished for the day, and know what you're working towards in order to become the best version of yourself without any distractions. I know that most mornings,

I'm going to wake up at 8 a.m., make my coffee, answer my emails, read, meditate, go to the gym, go to the podcast studio, make myself lunch, etc. You get it. I'm not going to go into the rest of my schedule, but that's just a basic overview of what my routine looks like on a daily basis. And when you know what your routine looks like on a daily basis, it gives you a feeling of purpose. So even if it's the small things you're adding to build some sort of simple routine for yourself, your brain knows where it's going in a very clear direction. And that's the key here to know where your brain is going and to not be sidetracked by a million other things and distracted by men and distracted by toxic relationships and situations.

And if this guy's calling you or what your friend is saying about you or gossiping about you or who's in Bora Bora right now posting thirst traps on Instagram. Like, nothing really matters when you have a routine and you're genuinely focusing your energy into yourself. Scrolling and doing other things that, you know, are about other people, I think, are just not beneficial or productive for your routine. I've also said this before, but I've personally made it a habit for me not to engage with other people's content or lives as frequently on social media.

Because if you are trying to build your confidence and something for your, yourself, that's usually not going to be helpful, just constantly focusing on what other people have accomplished in their lives. Every thought you have starts to matter when you are determined to reprogram your identity and create a more confident future version of you. So just be aware. Awareness is key. Self-awareness. Be aware of every action you take, every thought you're thinking. Every step you take in your life is ultimately going to help you feel more confident and powerful if you're taking steps in a direction that are positive. And you have to understand that you are in control of your thoughts.

Dr. Joe Dispenza says we think 70,000 thoughts a day on average. Yet 90% of those thoughts are wired in the past. And they're the same exact thoughts we thought the day before and the day before that and the day before that. And being wired in the past is not going to create a more confident better future for you. So if you're trying to create a more confident empowered, version of yourself and to change your future, you need to start thinking different thoughts and you need to start thinking more positive thoughts that align with your future self. And ultimately, you have to be kind to yourself and cultivate an entirely new sense of self-love, which is going to

make you feel more empowered and aligned with your future. In the book, When Your Breakup by Natasha Adamo, she says if you want to know exactly how much value someone believes they have, she says if you want to know exactly how much someone values themselves, take a look at what they tolerate in their lives. Take a look at what they accept in themselves and with others, how they deal with milestones, how they treat other people, how they deal with failure and rejection, how quick they are to act on red flags versus how quick they are to open an investigation that they cannot emotionally afford. Look at how someone treats their standards if they're going to act on their standards. and look at how someone treats their boundaries.

If someone crosses their boundaries, is that person going to walk away or not? You could tell a lot about how someone loves themselves based on if they hold to their standards and what they say and they keep their word and they keep their boundaries strong. Valuing yourself ties into confidence and remaining in your power because you need to create a space for yourself

where you can really understand what you're tolerating, in your life and where you stand with your self-worth. Where do you stand with yourself worth? Answer that question. What are you tolerating right now that you shouldn't be? Is there anything or anyone you need to let go of in order to reclaim your power? Get really honest with yourself. Make a list. What I like to do is map out everything going on in my life using a journal. Sometimes you need to sit with your thoughts and really process what is going on in order to truly understand what you're going through and where you're currently stationed at in your life. By writing it down and reading through it, you can also course correct, where you need to course correct. You could see

where your insecurities lie. You could see where you're not valuing yourself enough. You could see some things you might have been tolerating that you shouldn't be tolerating. And once you write a list of everything down and really get all your thoughts on paper, it's super helpful in actually being able to course correct. There is also an exercise in this book when your breakup, which I absolutely love, and I've highly recommended to everyone that I know pretty much. There's an exercise where she talks about writing all of the things that she used to tolerate on a piece of paper and all of the qualities that maybe weren't favorable. And she burned the paper after. And it was like burning the old self away and discarding it. And I actually did this.

exercise myself where I wrote down a list of everything that I used to tolerate things such as disrespect, being ghosted, not being valued, not being prioritized, letting people walk all over me, being scared to say yes or no to people depending on what it was, being a people pleaser, things like that where I wasn't proud of some of the things that I was currently going through. I wrote it on a piece of paper. I lit it on fire and I watched it burn and it was very symbolic. Now, obviously, be careful when you do this. I threw the paper in my sink after and put the fire out because this might not be the safest exercise if you're just like sitting at home. But the point is to burn away that old self so you could recreate a brand new identity.

It's like a phoenix rising from the ashes where you're literally burning away your old identity in order to create an entirely new version of you. And I thought that was a really powerful exercise and I liked it and I thought I would share it on the podcast. And the other thing I want to mention about confidence is learning how to be more decisive in what you do every single day. It's so important to be decisive. Confident people are decisive. I think being indecisive actually slows your progress down as a person a lot and can cause you to waver your energy a lot and make you more insecure. I know this because I used to be the least decisive person ever. I don't like making set decisions.

It was never in my nature. I was always afraid that I was going to be making the wrong one. But I've worked on it more, and I saw this video recently where a woman was saying that making a decision is always truly better than no decision at all. There is no right or wrong decision. You can make the decision right once you decide. Even if you have to change things and your decision might not be the perfect decision,

it doesn't mean the other decision you could have taken or you could have made would have been better. It doesn't mean that. Your life is your journey and we all make mistakes and we all go through periods of time where we've made wrong decisions. But it's trial and error. It's human. It's a part of learning. It's a part of growing and evolving.

And being decisive will ultimately make you more confident. It's so important to trust yourself and make a decision and be a decisive person. If you really want to work on your confidence and be more powerful, make a decision and move forward. Making a decision and being decisive will help you move forward. in your life and ultimately instill more confidence within you. And the last thing I want to mention in regards to building your confidence and your self-esteem in general, and I always mention this, but it's always important to remind you that physical movement and activity will ultimately

help you with your confidence and your mental health and your emotional health. I was listening to a podcast by someone named Ed Milet, and I also have gone to his podcast several times in the midst of breakups or going through business challenges. He has a lot of episodes on confidence and being decisive and I really love his work. And one of the things he talked about was how we often get more depressed when we're not moving. When our bodies aren't moving, movement creates a new identity because we're moving towards something and physical movement is included in this. And that's why going to the gym has been such a form of therapy for me. And I wouldn't be the person I am today. This sounds a little dramatic, but it's true. I wouldn't be the person I am today

if I didn't have a workout routine. And even having surgery recently, so I'll definitely make another episode about this, but I had surgery last month. I'm totally fine. It was a cosmetic surgery that I want to make a full episode on and I'll talk about. But I couldn't work out for the last month. And I have to pretty much take it easy. I'm not allowed to work out for three months. And it's the longest I've gone without real movement. The most I could do is pretty much walk around, but I can't go to the gym. I can't do what I usually do to cope and build some sort of routine because I have to heal. And it's important for me to rest and heal, which is totally valid. And obviously, it's more important than anything else. But I've noticed my mental health

has slowly been declining. And I've taken as many steps as I can to get it to a good place. I still meditate, I still journal, I still do daily walks, I still listen to podcasts. I still fuel my brain and my mind with positive things. So there's other ways you could go about taking care of yourself, of course. But I have noticed a substantial difference in the way that I feel mentally from not being able to have real movement and momentum in my life on a daily basis. And that's why I say don't take it for granted. If you can be active, be active.

There are people who can't be. And obviously, I know I'm healthy and I know I'll be. able to go to the gym in a couple of months from now. However, there are people that are not, and there are people that wish they had the privilege to be active. So just think about that when you're choosing not to be active, when you're choosing to not move because there are people who can't. And it's such a privilege. And for me, I think it puts things into perspective. There was once a guy, I remember I was in the elevator of my old building and there was a guy who had broken both of his legs and he was still going to the gym to work on his upper body and still

have movement in his arms and I'm sure that was therapeutic for him to get through this period of time where he could not walk. And I think it's just important to mention because as I said, if you have the privilege to move and you have the privilege to be active and go for a run or go for a hike or I'm not saying do anything crazy but just moving your body. just doing something to move your body is so important and it will ultimately help you feel more confident and more grounded in your frame and your body. And it will ultimately help you feel more confident. And I highly recommend this to everyone who I speak to. I say that when I was going through probably one of the worst periods of my life and I had a therapist and I was doing everything I could,

the only thing that I think really saved me through it all was having a routine. in the gym and having that privilege to be able to move my body and release a lot of my emotions and built up sadness through exercise completely changed the game for me. So with that being said, that concludes today's episode. Thank you as always for listening to Date Yourself instead. If you haven't already, be sure to rate the podcast on Apple and Spotify. It means the world to me. It does help the show grow. And if you want to share this episode with a friend, it would also mean the world to me. Thank you as always for listening. Also feel free to send me a DM on Instagram Atlas or on the podcast account, Addate Yourself instead if you've been loving the episodes.

I would love to hear your thoughts. Have an amazing day and stay tuned for next Monday.