Date Yourself Instead - How to raise your standards HIGH AF

Episode Date: July 31, 2023

Cause you deserve the best :-) I love you.

The more chances you give someone, the less respect they'll start to have for you. This was a quote I read recently and it resonated with me a lot because I've been there. I am the queen of giving second, third, and fourth fucking chances. And it never ends up going well. It's never usually a good idea. Sometimes on very rare occasions, I've given people second chances, and they've completely done a 180 and proved to me that they could actually be a decent human being. But most of the time, no. Okay.

They won't acknowledge the fact that you have legitimate standards. If you're giving someone multiple chances, they're not going to respect your standards that you've set because they know you're always willing to take them back. They know you're always willing to give them another chance and have another go around. When you give out so many chances, you're not going to be taken seriously anymore. If you're dating someone and handing out passes every single time they fuck up or show a red flag, they're not going to be afraid to walk all over you in your standards and they won't be afraid to really lose you because they know you're not going to walk away.

They know they have you where they want you, and they know that you're not going to leave them. They get comfortable with you always tolerating shitty behavior, and you're lowering your standards for them, and they know that. Yet, they're going to continue to behave inappropriately, and they know that. Yet, they're going to continue to behave inappropriately because you're willing to stick it out. And as I just said, I'm very guilty of this. I love giving people multiple chances. And sometimes you need to do it in order to really be done with someone because if someone fucks me over once, I'm like, all right, you know, maybe it was just a mistake.

But then if they do it again and again and again, you're like, all right, I gotta cut it off for real. This is just messed up. And it could make you get to the point of actually getting over someone. So giving chances isn't always the worst thing in the world, but when you have really high standards for yourself and you set extremely solid standards for yourself, you're going to

give out less chances because you know what you're looking for, you know what you deserve, and you know what's actually best for you in the long run. It's easy to give out multiple chances when you are hanging onto the potential of something that could be great instead of taking people for exactly how they are. And it's easy to get swept up in the potential of something that could be great, instead of taking people for exactly how they are. And it's easy to get swept up in the potential. So just be aware of that when you're in a new dating situation and someone messes up early into the dating situation that you're in, it's been like three weeks and they're already showing you their true colors.

Try not to ignore that because as much as you want to see the good in them and the potential and what the relationship could be, they're usually showing you who they are right away. It's usually pretty clear, but we tend to ignore it. So, how do you really raise your standards when it comes to dating, especially in this day and age, it can be super easy to lower your standards because there's this energy of desperation recently. I feel like the dating pool is a really assessed pool of nasty, slimy creatures. And there's nowhere to turn. There's no one to trust.

Anything kind of goes in the day and age. I've seen it all. I've had crazy dating experiences as you've probably heard from other podcast episodes, but that was just skimming the surface. I have so many more stories from where those came from. I've experienced extremes in the dating world where I never wanted to look at another man again. And I'm currently in a phase of my life

where I'm starting to dip my toe back into the dating pool and I quickly then take my toe out because I see what's out there and I'm like, this is not gonna cut it for me. I love myself too much to tolerate a man who's almost 30 years old going out, clubbing every night, getting wasted and sending me texts at two o'clock in the morning. That's not what I'm about anymore. So now I'm really just chilling and directing

my energy into myself and into the gym and prioritizing my personal well-being over wasting loads of energy on people that I know just long-term are not going to provide for me as a good, solid, secure, long-term partner. It's very easy to weed people out when you love yourself so deeply, but when you're desperate and you're looking for a husband, you're willing to put up with a lot of shit that you shouldn't be putting up with. So now I'm going to place in my life where I think my standards are very high and I have a lot of confidence when it comes to the men that I'm dating because of my last relationship. I was previously dating a very secure man and he was extremely smart, very confident in our relationship.

He never questioned me, he never questioned my value, he never questioned if he should be dating me, he was super loyal and, and he devoted his energy to making me happy and to the partnership. There were other issues I've spoken about this briefly. I actually mentioned it in the last half of my red flags episode where we had religious differences. However, this man was a good boyfriend. He was a good partner.

He always made me feel like I was loved and that I was a priority. And he emotionally understood my needs. So when you go through a relationship like that, that's pretty much solid and healthy aside from a difference in values, you start to understand that this is what you actually deserve. He taught me what a real relationship should look like.

He taught me that my needs aren't too crazy, that I deserve to be loved in the right way, that a real man will appreciate you and your value and see what you bring to the table and not question you or make you confused or anxious or upset all the fucking time. And you shouldn't have to lower your standards just because you're lonely. And that relationship taught me about seeing my value and knowing my worth. And when I came out of that relationship, I realized that I was dealing with such fuck boys

and people who never really saw me for me. And that's a huge reason why now when I'm dating, I have such high standards. because I've had an experience where I was treated really well and I was treated right and I was treated like a fucking princess. So I'm not going to go backwards and backpedal and start tolerating fuck boys again. I've been there, I've done that, I've experienced it all

and I don't need to go backwards in my life. Okay, so when you actually know what's out there, and you actually know that there are good people that will treat you right and make you feel amazing and bring a lot to the table, and you have a really good relationship, you're not going to want to backpedal and settle for something less than that. So I just want to be the voice to tell you that it is possible to find true authentic deep love and a really good healthy connection. And it is possible to find someone that understands you and values you and appreciates you. So if you're currently entertaining something for months on end with someone who's hot and

cold, who's flaky, who cancels plans on you, who isn't fully committing to you, who said they want to see where things go, but they're not giving you straight answers. And you feel like insecure and worthless because of what this person is constantly putting you through. Fucking walk away. Please walk away for your own sanity. So you could open your heart to someone who actually deserves you and will give you everything that you need.

You need to be willing to be ready for that. You need to be willing to open your heart up to the idea that someone can actually love you that way, instead of settling and lowering your standards and tolerating basic shitty bare minimum behavior. I see women nowadays chasing after men who cannot even respond to their texts in a reasonable amount of time. I see women dealing with breadcrumbs where a man will take her to dinner a couple of times, but then barely communicate with her, leaving her wondering where they stand in the relationship,

texting consistently for a couple days, then dropping off the map for five days, going to a bachelor party over the weekend and ghosting her, and then never speaking to her again. You get the point. Obviously you do what's best for you. You're gonna do what you want and you have your own version of your standards. So if you can tolerate behavior like that, go ahead. If you want someone that's inconsistent

and you like that dynamic, go ahead. You do you. However, this episode is about truly leveling up and raising your standards. So you don't get stuck in a messy situation ship where you're not happy or you don't get blinded or you don't get loved bombs and you fall for a toxic trap. The beauty about life is that you could level up and raise your standards at any time at any age. Even if you're currently in a situation, if you're in a relationship and you're not happy, you can change the

dynamic right here and now. You could choose to step up your game, create new boundaries for yourself, and decide what you will and will not tolerate when it comes to a partner. You don't need to settle for anything less than what you deserve. And it's not being overly picky, and it's not being annoying, and it's not excessive.

There's that famous quote that you could be the wrong package at the right address, and that other quote where you're never asking too much, but you're just be the wrong package at the right address and that other quote where you're never asking too much, but you're just asking the wrong person. And I know those quotes are true because I had an experience of what a good relationship looked like, where my partner showed up for me, where he valued me, how he treated me. It was all so good. So I know that it exists and I'm not going to settle for anything less. If someone starts being hot and cold with me, if someone starts playing

gains with me, I don't have fucking time for that. I'm 30. I'm looking for a serious, stable, long-term situation where I'm happy and I'm growing and I'm evolving with my partner. I'm not looking for someone who goes to Brooklyn Mirage every weekend for those of you who live in New York City. You know what Brooklyn Mirage is. It's basically a drug-fested club, okay? I'm not looking for that. And it's okay to go out to have fun once in a while to party,

to live your best life. I'm not saying there's anything technically wrong with that, but that's just not what I want at a my life. Because I've been there in my 20s. I've done everything I needed to do. I've explored the world. I've drank. I've done, I mean, I haven't really actually done any drugs,

but I've done enough, okay. I've done enough where I feel like I've lived many different lives, and I'm looking for someone that I could build with, that I could build a huge company with. Like my husband, I want to work with, that I could build a huge company with, like my husband I wanna work with, I wanna build a team with him, I want to travel the world with him. I know exactly what I'm looking for, okay?

So, now my standards have to match that energy. I want someone that's gonna make it clear that they wanna be with me, that they wanna build with me, and they want to lead a healthy and successful and prosperous life with me. And I understand that sometimes in the early stages of dating, it takes a little time to get to know someone and it takes some progress in a new dating situation.

However, it's easy to spot when someone is not right for you right away. If someone's already making you anxious and uncomfortable two weeks into dating and things are just messy early on, be cautious because it's easy to get used to someone if you're lonely. It's easy to settle and lower your standards when you're lonely and you're in a place in your life where you're desperate for a relationship, and you'll just hang on to the potential of what it could be versus what this person's actually showing you. It's easy to compromise your standards when you start to like someone. And then you kind of backpedal and you lower yourself for this person in hopes that the relationship is eventually going to evolve into something great. But you shouldn't be

compromising what you believe in and how you want your partner to show up for you. You should know what you want going into a new situation. And if that person isn't aligning with that, you know to cut it off. You deserve to have your needs met. And of course, you should also want to be a good partner back to them. It's not a one-way street. However, if you feel like it's just you changing your behaviors constantly, adapting to a man's schedule, changing the way you text to accommodate him, changing the way you live your life, to

make his life better, that's really not necessary. And it's not very smart. I'll give you an example. I had a friend who was constantly being triggered by this guy she had been talking to for a while. And he would say things and do things that gave her hope. And then he would do the opposite and backpedal and say things that hurt her. But she just never spoke up or said anything about it

because she wanted to seem chill. She wanted to keep it light and she didn't want to mess up the dynamic they were having. But I was like, the dynamic isn't even so great because he might think that there's nothing wrong, but you're not happy. It's not healthy for you. So why are you sacrificing your peace to accommodate his behavior? If you're not truly happy and you're just trying to keep the peace so you don't fuck anything up, but it's already not a solid, secure, healthy dynamic, it's really not worth entertaining. And you're not even officially dating yet. So it's only going to get worse if you don't speak up and communicate how you feel and see if things can be improved. Otherwise, you're just going to continue to lower your standards to make his life easier,

and you're giving him access to you even though truthfully, I don't think he deserves it, because if he's playing hot and cold games with you all the time, and constantly pulling his energy back all the time, and then giving you false glimmers of hope and texting you sweet, generous things whenever he feels like it. It's costing you your peace and it's toxic because you're happy some days and then other days you're miserable and you're not even dating yet. So what are you doing? That is a version of lowering your standards because she wants a stable committed partnership

yet she's compromising her needs by entertaining this. Another example of me lowering my standards. I was dating a guy who was constantly going out, partying and drinking all the time and doing drugs, and I excused it for so long because I was very attracted to him and I did like his personality. But I only really liked his personality when he was sober and then the rest of the time he was wasted and he would forget to text me or he would be very cold when he was on drugs and he continued to do that in our relationship.

We actually ended up dating and that dynamic never really changed but he would just hide it better. And I brushed it under the rug and I was like, you know what, it's okay, you could do you, go out with your friends, do whatever you need to do. But a few months into our relationship, I got so fed up, I snapped because I had lowered my standard

so much just to be with him. I had lowered everything that I believed was right for me just to get him to commit to me. And I accommodated his lifestyle, which I wasn't okay with just so I could be with him. So at a point I snapped and I didn't okay with just so I could be with him. So at a point I snapped. And I didn't want to snap because I wanted to seem cool and chill and I wanted

to keep the peace and I wanted to keep it going, but there was a point where I was like, listen, I'm not okay with this. This doesn't make me comfortable or happy and I'm gonna walk away if this continues. So he kind of toned it down. Eventually he did tone it down a lot, he did toned it down a lot, and he stopped hanging out with the people that were really bad influences on him. However,

I had to speak up and remember my standards and raise my standards in order to keep the relationship going. Otherwise, it wouldn't have gone anywhere, and we would have broken up way sooner. We actually dated for a significant period of time and things evolved and changed, but I had to raise my standards and snap myself out of it and tell him how it was in order to improve that relationship. In my most recent relationship, my ex was also partying a lot when we met

and I said to him, listen, right away, right off the bat, I wasn't playing games, I wasn't gonna tolerate bullshit. I said to him, if we decide to date for real, you cannot be doing drugs and drinking and partying around me. I don't want any part in that. I've had experiences with other boyfriends where drinking and drugs led to major fights. It was super toxic. Things got violent. I just don't like being in a relationship when one person is constantly fucked up. And I'm sober. I just knew I didn't want someone who was partying a lot. So knowing that and having that standard going into a new situation, he immediately respected that.

And he said, I would choose you over all of this with no hesitation. And it was such a breath of fresh air. And we communicated about it. He didn't make me feel guilty for having those standards. And he actually respected me more. So when you really understand your standards and what you will and will not tolerate, it does make dating much easier.

And a little cutthroat, but that's okay. Because the right people are going to want to work and build on your relationship with you and improve it. And if they don't and they walk away and they're being a dick, it's really not your loss because they're not gonna meet your standards and they not your loss because they're not going to meet your standards and they never will. If they're not going to now, they're not going to in the future. So what can you actually do to raise your standards? So first, I want you to make a list of your non-negotiables. What are your

deal breakers? And don't say, you know, he's under six feet tall because that's just obnoxious. Get over your fear of a five, ten man, okay? It's okay if your man is in tall and it's okay if he isn't the most attractive person in the room. We're gonna eliminate looks out of this equation. You're looking for a pure, good-hearted, secure soul. You're looking for someone who could show up for you emotionally and be your best friend.

So write down what your deal breakers are as far as values and behaviors. For example, one of mine is you cannot smoke cigarettes or do hard drugs. My person has to care about their physical well-being and it has to be a top priority. I have my own health issues. I grew up with a lot of health problems and my family has a history of cancer and autoimmune diseases. So the person I'm married to needs to influence me in healthy ways and not be a bad influence on my physical health. Another huge deal breaker for me is kindness and warmth in a person. You need to have a warm kind energy. Someone that I could be myself around open up too easily emotionally without the fear of being

judged, without feeling anxious and insecure, because in the past there was a lot of fuck boys that I've dated where the energy just felt cold. If I said the wrong thing, if I opened up to them emotionally, they would judge me for it. And I just couldn't be my true self, but I would still entertain it because I was like, maybe they'll change. No, okay? I don't have time to wait on you changing. I am showing up as the best version of me, so I'm looking for someone who shows up and mirrors me where I'm at. I can't train someone to be a warm and loving person, so if you're not that one, I meet you, it's just not going to cut it for me. Another huge non-negotiable for me is being career-oriented.

Just having goals and passions that you're working towards, it's not necessarily a financial thing, as long as you're passionate about what you're doing and working towards a goal, and you have big dreams and aspirations, that's just super attractive to me and very important because that's how I am. So once you have a full list of what you're looking for and you're non-negotiables, it will give you more clarity and it's a very good reminder of what you're actually looking for when it comes to dating. And it creates higher standards as long as you actually stick to the list. You have to stick to the list. You can't start compromising every single thing on that list once you actually start dating someone.

You'll also realize once you write down the list, if you're currently with someone that isn't right for you, you're gonna have an epiphany and be like, ew, I need to end this right now. This has happened to me before, where I started writing down all my deal breakers and the person I was seeing, he checked off every box of what I did him want,

and I was like, okay, this is very eye-opening for me. It's a very eye-opening exercise. Step number two on how to raise your standards. I want you to envision your higher self and who that person really is to you. Sometimes in order to get a really good depiction of my higher self, I'll actually look at people I aspire to be more like. Positive good influences that really give me good vibes.

Think about who you look up to and who you would want to be your best friend. Who would you want to be your best friend? Someone maybe you don't know yet. And ask yourself, who would I be if this person was really my best friend? How can I align myself more to someone with this level of power and confidence and self-love? Spend time with a Leo woman and you'll almost immediately get a hit of their confidence and be like, oh, fuck, I need to step up my game, okay? My best friend is a Leo and do a leap is a Leo, okay?

And I love do Alipa. I don't know. Her energy is just so fiery and confident. And I get such great vibes from her. I've actually never met her, but, you know, just the vision of her in my brain, okay? It helps me think about the person that I want to become. I want this level of radiating confidence in my photos,

in my brand, and in my life. And I want to come off as confident and strong and powerful. So how am I gonna get there? What steps can I actually take? You have to create essentially a bad as alter ego for yourself and then communicate with that person. So it feels real, as if this person is really in your life.

You're creating an imaginary version of you that's essentially the more powerful version of you. So for me, it is so helpful to just look up to that imaginary, higher self and be like, okay, would this girl date the guy you're seeing right now? Absolutely not. This badass, awesome version of you is not going to date this troll that you met on hinge

that plays golf on the weekends and ignores your text and invites you to Soho House on a Tuesday because he doesn't want to hang out with you on the weekends because the weekends are for his boys. It's just not going to cut it for you, babe. Okay, move on. You could do better. Seriously, you can do better. You could do much better, actually.

And it's embarrassing that you're still entertaining this so it's like having this dialogue essentially With your higher self and she's telling you your fucking idiot and it really helps It really helps in raising your standards and I've done this many times I've had to do it quite a few times in my life raising your standards also comes with being The person that you would want to date. Would you date you? Everyone that enters your life is a mirror reflecting parts of who you are back to yourself.

You attract what you are. So if you're not taking care of your mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional health, how are you expecting to find someone that's a good match for you? You need to become the person you would want to be with. No negotiations. You can't slack. You can't be lazy if you want someone who's not lazy. If you want someone who's fit who goes running four times a week and is family oriented and is kind and loves their friends, you need to also be doing those things and be that person as well and show up in that way so you can meet your perfect match.

A huge thing for me personally when it comes to raising my standards also is to stop talking shit about other people you need to be the person that you would respect and look up to. So that's another huge thing for me if someone's not kind and they're talking shit about other people, it's the biggest turn off to me. Wipe the slate clean. If you're surrounded by really negative people or toxic energy or you're in a place in your life where you're just not happy, try to reset your life by going to bed, doing a meditation. I do cord cutting meditations on YouTube.

You could just, there's one by Sarah Hall. It's a really good one. You could look it up on YouTube. And I'll do this meditation at night and cut ties energetically with anything or anyone that is no longer serving my growth. Try to detach yourself from people and things that are not good for you. If you're constantly surrounding yourself with toxic situations and people, it's going to bring down your vibrational level and immerse you into situations that make you lower yourself in your standards. You are who you hang out with and associate with all the time. You are who you talk to frequently. Their energy will mix with yours. It's inevitable. You cannot level up and raise your standards if you're

surrounding yourself with people who are negative influence on you. And it's very normal to outgrow people when you're leveling up. When you go through a glow up in your life, you're going to lose people around you and people will drop off because they're just not on your level. As you're ascending, you're going to have to let go of a lot of different things in people. A lot of people are not going to want to see you glow up. They're not going to want to see you work on yourself and raise your standards. But you have to do what's best for you. Focus on bettering yourself and finding new people to grow with that are on the same level as you that can meet you where you're at. Don't be afraid to lose people that probably weren't the best influence on your life anyways. I'll give you an example.

I used to have this one roommate who was super toxic. We used to be really close and I loved her and I still care about her and I still wish her the best. However, I knew she was toxic for my mental health and my growth. She would always guilt trip me into bettering myself or being free to just do what I wanted. Anytime I tried to work on myself

or do something for myself, it was like a problem for her. Every small thing I did, I felt like she was bothered by myself improvement. For example, if I wanted to hang out with a guy and I met someone new, she would get mad at me for going on the date instead of hanging out with her. And I lived with her and I saw her often,

so it felt like I just couldn't breathe in the friendship and I couldn't grow or do anything on my own. And eventually I just felt so tired of being trapped and always walking on eggshells, so I left that friendship behind and I blossomed from there. And my life improved a lot. And I felt a lot lighter once it ended and I did wish her the best and I obviously did care about her.

And I felt a little guilty because I didn't want to leave her behind. But sometimes when you're growing, you have to leave those people behind in the past with the old version of yourself. They don't get access to the new version of you. The last thing I want to talk about is making sure that you take your sweet time in relationships and dating. You don't need to dive into something overnight and make someone your husband in one month, okay?

There is no rush if it's the right person. If it's the right person, your dating situation can operate at a slower pace and everything's going to be just fine. Everything will all work out. You deserve to take your time. You deserve to take it slow and observe, reflect. Don't dive so deep into something when you don't really know someone that well.

And that could save you a lot of time and energy in the long run instead of getting yourself in a crash and burn situation where you think your head over heels and love with someone and then it dies out really fast. You have to really get to know someone, build a friendship before you actually get intimate with them, build a solid foundation. And if they're also not willing to do that with you and they're not willing to be patient and stick it out with you and date you and get to know you before doing anything physically.

That's also a red flag. That's not the person you want to be with. If someone's pressuring you into being intimate with them, into sleeping with them right away, I had this one girl DM me the other day and say, every time I tried to take it slow with a guy and say, I don't want to sleep with you right away, they ghost me. And I said, well, those guys aren't for you. That's just a blessing in disguise. You don't want someone who's using you for sex.

It would have ended anyway. So take time with your emotions and your feelings and observe how you feel in a new situation. If you're feeling good about it, continue. But just take it step by step. Don't floor it. Don't rush it. Don't pour all your energy into something brand new.

Remember who you were prior to meeting them. Hold on to your standards and continue doing the things you were doing prior to meeting this person. You have to know how to continue your life the same way that you were prior to meeting them. Keep your hobbies, keep your schedule, keep your friends, still maintain your own life.

Don't depend on them to be asking you out, asking you for plans and throw all your energy into someone that you don't know that well. It is so much better to trust the process and not rush and just take your sweet time. And I actually have one more comment to make about raising your standards. You need to get over the fear of being alone. And if you're desperate and needy and coming from a place of desperation and you're alone right now,

you might start lowering your standards and tolerating basic bare minimums, ship behavior because you're alone. But you have to understand that once you truly are so content with being alone and content, not desperate and needy and looking for a husband. Once you're happy with your own company and you're not desperately seeking anyone outside of yourself, you're not going to lower your standards because you've built yourself up so much and you love yourself enough to know that it's not going to be worth your time and energy. You don't need to

settle for less just because you don't have anyone right now. Go listen to my stop being desperate and needy in love episode. It's a really good one and it applies perfectly to this. Stop being needy and desperate and settling for basic bare minimum shit. And with that being said, that concludes today's episode. Thanks so much for listening to date yourself instead. If you haven't already, be sure to rate the podcast on Spotify and Apple and share it with a friend share it with your mom Share it with your best friend share it with your sisters your cousins

Relatives co-workers anyone just anyone it really helps the podcast grow and the feedback has always been so amazing and positive That incredible and I'm so thankful for all of you and the community we've built and if you want to send me a DM on Instagram at lists or on the podcast account at date yourself instead, I'm always here to chat. I love you. Thank you so much as always and stay tuned for next Monday.