Date Yourself Instead - Stop being desperate & needy in love

Episode Date: May 15, 2023

I definitely have had my moments in relationships where I felt like I smothered my partner with desperate energy. I was needy and insecure because I didn't love or value myself enough to know who I truly was. I didn't know my worth, so I would project my insecurities often onto my boyfriends in hopes that would make them want to be with me more, but instead it often backfired and became messy. I also mention this amazing book, The Mastery of Love, in the beginning of this episode which has helped me through my healing process and has helped the relationship I have with myself. If you are loving the podcast, always feel free to DM me on instagram @lyss or @dateyourselfinstead.

Welcome to day yourself and set. Day yourself and set. What does it mean to day yourself and set? I'm just going to learn to love myself and that's it. Imagine that you have a magical kitchen in your home. In that magical kitchen, you can have any food you want from any place in the world in any quantity. You never worry about what to eat,

whatever you wish for, you could have at your table. You are very generous with your food. You give your food unconditionally to others, not because you want something in return from them. Whoever comes to your home, you feed just for the pleasure of sharing your food and your house is always full of people who come to eat the food from your magical kitchen. Then one day someone knocks at your door and it's a person with a pizza. You open the door and the person looks at you and says, hey, do you see this pizza? I'll give you this pizza if you let me control your life if you just do whatever I want you to do.

You're never going to starve because I can bring you a pizza every day. You just have to be good to me. Can you imagine your reaction to that in your kitchen? You could have the same pizza, even better. You don't need this person's pizza. This person comes to you and offers you food if you just do whatever he wants you to do. You are going to laugh and say, no thanks,

I don't need your food, I have plenty of food. You can come into my house and eat whatever you want and you don't have to do anything. Don't believe I'm going to do whatever you want me to do. No one can manipulate me with food. Now imagine the exact opposite. Several weeks have gone by and you haven't eaten. You are starving and you have no money in your pocket to buy food. The person comes with a pizza and says, Hey, there's food here. You can have this pizza if you just do what

I want you to do. You can smell the pizza and you're starving. You decide to accept the food and do whatever that person asks of you. You eat some pizza and he says, if you want more, you can have more, but you have to keep doing what I want you to do. You have food today, but tomorrow you might not have food. So you agree to do whatever you can for food. You become a slave because of the pizza, because you need food, because you don't have any. Then after a certain time you have doubts, you say, what am I going to do without pizza? I cannot live without my pizza. What if my partner decides to give the pizza to someone else? My pizza. Now imagine that instead of food, we're talking about love.

You have an abundance of love in your heart. You have love, not just for yourself, but for the whole world. You love so much that you don't need anyone's love. You have an abundance of love in your heart. You have love not just for yourself, but for the whole world. You love so much that you don't need anyone's love. You share your love without condition. You don't love if. You are a millionaire in love. And someone knocks on your door and says, Hey, I have love for you here. You can have my love if you just do whatever I want you to do. When you are full of love, what is going to be a reaction? You will laugh and say, Thanks, but I don't need your love. I have the same love here in my heart, even bigger and better, and I share my love without condition. But what is going to happen if you're starving for love? If you don't have that love in your heart, and someone comes

and says, you want a little love, you can have my love if you just do what I want you to do. If you're starving for love and you taste that love, you're going to do whatever you can for that love. You can even be so needy that you give your whole soul just for a little attention. Your heart is like that magical kitchen. If you open your heart, you already have all the love you need. There's no need to go around the world begging for love. Please, someone love me. I'm so lonely. I'm not good enough for love. I need someone to love me to prove that I'm worthy of love. We have that love right here inside of us, but we don't see it. Can you see the drama humans create when they believe that they don't have love? They are starving for love. And when they taste a little love from someone else, that creates a big need. They become

needy and obsessive about that love. Then comes the big drama. What am I gonna do if he leaves me? How can I live without her? They cannot live without the provider, the one who provides them with everyday doses. And for that little piece of love because they are starving, they allow other people to control their lives. They let others tell them what to do,

what not to do, how to dress, how not to dress, how to behave, how not to behave, what to believe, what not to believe. I love you if you behave in this way. I love you if you just let me control your life. I love you only if you are good to me. If not, then forget it. The problem with humans is that they don't know

they have a magical kitchen in their heart. All of their suffering begins because long go. We close our hearts and we no longer feel that the love is there. At some point in our life, we become afraid to love because we believed love is in fair. You don't need anyone else's love. You are complete by yourself. When love is coming out of you, you are not searching for love because you are afraid to be alone. When you have all that love for yourself, you can be alone, happy,

and there's no problem. You are so happy to be alone and to share your time is also fun. This is an excerpt from The Mastery of Love by Don McGill Ruiz. I think I pronounced that correctly. He's an amazing author. He has a book called The Four Agreements that I absolutely love as well. This book called The Mastery of Love is amazing. I highly recommend it. And that was an excerpt that I've highlighted. And I read time and time again whenever I feel like I'm lonely and I just need a reminder that we seek out love and we are so desperate to stay with someone that gives us that instant gratification

and that instant validation when we don't have enough love to pour within ourselves and to give ourselves. When we lose sight of all that love that we have within ourselves, we'll settle for pretty much anything. And in this book, that analogy to me makes perfect sense and it's so beautiful and it's so true. If you have all the food you need in your house, if you have everything you could possibly need for breakfast, lunch, and dinner in your house, and someone comes to you and offers you food, you're not going to take it. You don't need it. You're happy and content with your life and where you're at, and you have enough food

for yourself. The same thing applies to love. If you have enough love within yourself, and you love yourself so deeply and you know that you're okay to be alone and you're not desperately trying to cling on to someone else to give you that love, you're not gonna settle for just anything. You're not gonna settle for a half-ass relationship or a half-ass person that isn't giving you anything.

You're not gonna settle and lower the bar for someone that doesn't deserve it and that isn't worthy of who you are. Because more often times than not, when we don't really value and love ourselves, we tend to settle. We tend to take whatever we can get because we're desperate to get that little boost of love or instant gratification or validation from someone else that usually isn't right for us. And in this episode, I wanted to discuss that and on impact this idea of really knowing how to love yourself and really knowing how to value who you are and how that leads to a healthy relationship and how that leads to a successful partnership

between two people. The reality is when we do not feel whole and complete on our own, we will settle for less than what we know we deserve because we feel lonely. We feel like we have no one to talk to or turn to. And when someone starts giving us that attention, that we're craving, that we're missing, especially when we come out of a relationship when we're broken-hearted and then we meet someone new, it can be tempting to jump into something new. It can be tempting to give our energy and our love and our time to someone else in hopes for a little bit of their love. And the truth is, part of dating yourself and loving yourself comes down to this whole concept of knowing your worth

and knowing that you're not going to just accept anyone's offer on the table. If someone comes to you with an offer in love and you're so in love with yourself and all they have to offer is some company and some free dinner. It's not usually worth it. And in the past, when I was feeling lonely and I was feeling desperate, I would jump on a dating app and I would go on dates with guys that did not deserve an ounce of my energy or attention. And I would make it a priority to make sure that I was never alone.

I would make it a priority to surround myself with people, friends, or dates all the time in order to distract myself. And this is me being a little bit obviously vulnerable because no one wants to admit that they're scared to be alone, but it's true. I was terrified to do my own thing for a very long time. I was terrified to face the fact that I didn't fully love myself and I didn't. And I think when we're going through it, we don't want to admit to ourselves that we don't love ourselves and we're not in the best mental place because then it becomes true. When we start to accept the fact that maybe we need to love ourselves more, it's like,

damn, why did I settle for less than what I deserve all these years? Why am I tolerating shitty behavior from people? Why am I friends with people who are actually toxic for me? Why can't I just take a moment to myself and embrace my own company? It's often just because we're scared, right? It's often because we're afraid to face the truth that maybe we really do need to sit with our thought

by ourself temporarily and just learn how to love ourselves without anyone else's input, without anyone else validating that for us and making us feel wanted and appreciated. Because that also can go away at any time. That could also be a temporary thing where, for example, if you are in a situation with someone that is giving you all this attention and saying, oh my God, you're amazing, you're beautiful, you're perfect, I love you so much. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. It can really boost our self-esteem and can make us feel temporarily, really good and really confident and really happy because we found someone that validates those feelings inside of us where we're like, oh my God, they see my value and I feel more valuable because they see who I am and they

love me and they're obsessed with me. But the truth is, you can feel that way right now. You can 100% feel that amount of confidence and self-love right now if you work on it and if you allow yourself to have access to it, and if you really open your heart. I never really understood this until I took a lot of time by myself, and there were moments where it was really painful. It was really hard to sit with my own thoughts and not have someone to text right away and not have someone to call and to have an empty space next to my

bed every night because I was used to having my boyfriend sleep next to me. Those things were really painful to get over and it took me a really long time to heal, but once I actually did and I healed my heart and I spent a lot of quality time getting to know who I am without anyone around, the world really opened up for me in a totally new way. Not only did I start this podcast, which I'm super passionate about, but I also just had a new sense of self that I had never felt before. It felt very stable. For the first time in my life, I wasn't jumping into another relationship. I wasn't constantly seeking out this validation of having a guy next to me 24 seven. Suddenly, I was content with my own company. Suddenly, I felt beautiful

without someone having to acknowledge it. Suddenly, it didn't matter what I posted on social media because I used to get this instant dopamine hit from posting a hot picture online and on my stories and on my Instagram and wait for the comments to roll in. Same thing with TikTok. TikTok is so addicting and it could become an easy source of external validation where we're posting a video and if it gets a lot of likes and comments and it goes viral,

we have that instant dopamine hit where we're like, oh my God, everyone loves me. Woohoo, like, yeah, and it's cool, and it's nice, and it's okay because it's nice to be praised, and it's nice when people like what you have to say, and they like your content. But at the same time, do you need that to function as a human being?

Do you need that to be happy every day? Because there was a point in my life, especially growing up in the world of social media, and being on social media for 10 years, doing it as a job, there were moments in my life where I felt like if I wasn't praised and my post didn't do well or guy wasn't texting me back or someone in my workspace just didn't like me and I could tell that they didn't want to work with me, I felt like total fucking shit. And I beat myself up over it time and time again.

And I went through a lot of ups and downs in my career and my love life and my friendship circles because I was constantly looking for praise and external validation from everyone else other than myself. I wasn't willing to sit with myself and say, you're your own best advocate, you know yourself the best. You don't need anyone else's opinion or feedback or praise in order to love yourself, in order to be happy and confident and secure with yourself.

You don't need anyone else's input. But I didn't want to face that. I wanted to constantly keep seeking it outside of myself for a very long time. And I think that's a part of learning in your 20s, because now being 30, I just feel so insanely different. I feel so much more at peace knowing that I don't need to do anything to feel like I love myself. I don't need to do anything external to try to get love from outside sources because I'm really just chilling out. Like I'm very at peace with who I am. I have my moments where sometimes I feel a little insecure,

but at the same time, I'm like, this is me, this is who I am. I'm a human being. Life is short. I don't wanna keep beating myself up over stupid shit and constantly trying to seek for love and external things outside of myself in order to be happy because that's a no way to live.

It's draining, it's exhausting, and it's temporary. Not everyone's going to love you. Not everyone's going to give the same that you give. Not everyone's going to worship the ground that you walk on. It's just not how life works and there's going to be moments where you're not going to be able to get that instant gratification from people. And this book really had a profound impact on my life while I was going through a breakup

because it talks a lot about self-love and self-worth and mastering the art of self-love and really knowing who you are and how healthy your relationship should be. There's another part of the book that talks about how being in a healthy relationship should feel like two equals coming together and not taking anything from each other. And I think that's really fascinating because sometimes being in a relationship

can lead to a lot of power plays and controlling aspects. And I'm going to specify a little bit on that. And I'm guilty of this. I think I'm more guilty of this than the people I was dating. But there would be moments in my relationships where we started to get super close, we started to become more and more in love and invested in each other and spend a lot of time together. I love spending time with my partner. I really believe my love languages, words of affirmation and quality time. Those are really big for me.

And the more time I would spend with my partner, it was like an addiction, where I was obsessed with the idea of constantly being around them. And then when they would want to hang out with their friends or do something, like go to a bar with their friends, and there was a potential window for them to interact with another female, I would get increasingly possessive and controlling. And in the first few weeks of the relationship, I was super chill. I was like, I don't care. Go out with your friends. We're getting to know each other, have a good time, whatever.

See when you get home. And then as I got closer with them, I became more controlling. And this is something that I've had to work on because I would have this anxiety and this fear that they would just go meet someone else if they were out with their friends and not with me. And I would have this fear that I would be left behind. And that I wouldn't matter if they went and did something else other than hang out with me that night. And this aspect of control would become a pattern in a few of my relationships. And it's something I wasn't proud of. I hated being like that.

I hated being this crazy control freak that made me feel shitty being that way, but I was like, they need to be with me 24-7. My partner needs to be with me all the time or else we're not in love. Like it was just, it's kind of ridiculous when I say it out loud and talk about it. But I think I just had a lot of trauma and wounds and things that I grew up with that made me feel like I was constantly losing the relationship and it was slipping away from me if I wasn't

with my partner. Maybe some people can relate to this, maybe some people will listen to this and say, wow, girl, chill out, you're crazy. But this is just me being open and honest about my past issues, dealing with control and relationships. And when I read this book, it really shifted a lot for me and it changed my perspective on so many things and it made me realize that I had a lot to work on with myself. And in the past, I would try to cling on so tightly to my relationships and control my partners in how they liked me, how much they loved me, how much they care about me.

I would do certain things for them to make sure that they stayed with me. Ridiculous bullshit, right? Where it took up a lot of my energy and time and space. And I started to lose a lot of love energy and time and space and I started to lose a lot of love for myself because I was always trying to make this person stay and make this person love me as much as I love them and it's it's exhausting and this book really talks about how when you're in a healthy real relationship where you truly are at peace and really love each other It should feel so free,

and it should feel like both of you are just coming together and building off of what you've already built for yourself in a healthy way. You don't need this person to survive. You would like them in your life, and it'd be amazing to have them around for the rest of your life, but you're not obsessing over them

and what they're doing 24-7. You're living your life the but you're not obsessing over them and what they're doing 24, 7. You're living your life the way you would if you were alone, and they're just complimenting that and vice versa. And it should be two people coming together to compliment each other in the best ways and help each other grow. And you let them do them. They let you do you. And you come together and it's healthy. And after I read more about it, I was like, wow, I should probably check myself because I'm a control freak in my relationships.

And in my past, I've just had this insecurity about my partner doing anything without me. And in the beginning of the relationship, the funny thing is the reason why it was so fucking good in the beginning for the first three months was because I let them be themselves and do whatever they wanted. But then I got insecure. My insecurities got the best of me. My trust issues from the past, from being lied to, from being manipulated and cheated on in the past would come to the surface. And I would be like, you can't do this, you can't do that. I don't want you to see your friends this weekend because I don't like them, X, Y, and Z.

And it was toxic of me to act that way. And I feel like I don't really talk about my insecurities and my issues on the podcast that much. I talk about my dating experiences, but I've never really gone into detail about my insecurities. And it's weird to talk about because it's vulnerable. But I really think it could help people because I'm sure other people can relate to this

in some way, shape or form, whether their partner has been like this or they've been like this. It's just interesting. And there was this one person that I dated for a few months. And he was such a free spirit. He was the type of guy that I dated for a few months. And he was such a free spirit. He was the type of guy that I knew probably would never grow up. And I knew that I wasn't going to end up marrying him or anything like that.

But I was in a stage of my life where I was just looking for something to enjoy and spend time with someone else. We were both looking for something casual to keep it short. And it was so easy. It was so effortless because we were just on the same page. He had his schedule, he had his routine, he had his life. And I didn't budden, I didn't ask him to hang out with him and his friends. I didn't ask him, you know, I didn't blow up his phone and say, oh, you need to hang out

with me tonight. And the same went for me on my end. I was just doing my own thing. I had my own life. I had my own social circle. I wasn't suffocating him, and he wasn't controlling me. And it was a mutual exchange of energy, where I was in one of the best places in my life at that time.

So just that lack of control and just letting things kind of flow at that time in my life made so much sense and I remember I was happy. I was genuinely really happy doing that. And maybe that's not a lifestyle or relationship situation for everyone because situationships can get tricky and they can get really confusing and messy and that ended in a really messy way to be completely honest, but for the most part the first few months we had this relationship going it was so free it was fun it was light it was friendly

It wasn't like if he went on another date with someone I was gonna get angry and It wasn't like if he went on another date with someone I was gonna get angry and vice versa like it was just cool to spend time together and it felt like a genuine bond because We were both on the same page and we weren't trying to suffocate each other in the relationship and Yeah, that didn't work out long term because feelings developed in a totally new way and And long story short, I think I made some mistakes towards the end of that relationship. And I think he did as well. And it got really messy in the long run.

But those few months that we spent together where we were just having a good time and not putting any pressure on anything, it really changed everything in my perspective about control and relationships. How controlling your partner is actually so draining and it happens to the best of us when we're feeling a moment of insecurity. And this doesn't mean you shouldn't have boundaries.

Obviously, in relationships, boundaries are important. It doesn't mean you should let your boyfriend hook up with someone else and just be like, ah, whatever. Obviously, you need clear boundaries. But at the same time, if you're nagging and clinging on to every single thing that your partner does, it's going to cause the relationship to have a lot of problems. And it could ultimately lead to the end of the relationship. And circling back to the relationship I was just talking about where it felt so free

The reason it ended was because I started putting control on it I remember I started asking him questions like what are we doing like where is this going and I wasn't so aggressive about it, but I wanted to know the future so badly I wanted to know what was gonna happen next because we were in this gray area for a while. And I was having a good time. I was fine with what we were doing. So I don't know where it came from. I think it just came from me needing to know that this was going to continue as is. But by doing that and putting so much pressure and control on it, it just exploded. And it just ended up causing a domino effect that ended up just making everything fall apart

in the long run. And I wasn't perfect, he wasn't perfect. There was a lot of ups and downs, but at the same time, it was one of the happiest years of my life. Isn't that interesting? Like, looking back, that wasn't the most serious relationship I've been in by far.

It was just a blip in time. It was a few months of hanging out with someone cool. But it was the happiest I ever was. I really do believe that. In some ways, I just remember being really confident and at peace with myself. In a totally different way than I am now, I was definitely more free and going with the flow

and just letting everything happen in real time and not worrying so much about the future. When we worry so much about the future of a relationship, it can make the relationship feel a million times heavier than it is. It can ruin things when we're like, oh my god, oh my god, when is he gonna be my boyfriend, when is he gonna put a ring on it? When is he gonna propose? Now, if you're in a situation with someone for five years, six years, seven years, and they're not hinting at any sort of engagement

or marriage and you really wanna get married, there is a little bit of pressure involved. And controlling a situation like that might have to come into play because you're like, all right, I don't wanna spend the next 20 years in question. That makes total sense. But if you're in the beginning of something new and you're trying to control everything and manipulate the outcome of a relationship, it can put so much unnecessary heaviness on both of you. Obviously, once you know your worth and you love yourself so deeply,

Once you know your worth and you love yourself so deeply, you're not going to get yourself in situations that are always up in the air and making you feel like shit. But if something's kind of just you and the other person going with the flow and having a good time, enjoy it. Enjoy it for what it's worth. Be present with it. And it doesn't mean it can't work out in the future, but throwing a million questions into the mix, if you're happy, isn't really necessary. I guess that's the point I'm trying to make. And having this insane amount of control on

another person is never healthy. People are going to do what they want regardless. And when you think of it like that, it kind of makes me feel so much better. People are going to do exactly what they want to do, regardless of what you're trying to make them do, because we all are free will and we all have choices in life, right? So, for example, if you're worried that someone isn't going to commit to you and you start asking them a million questions and nagging them like crazy about what the status of the relationship is. I don't think that's going to change the overall

outcome of what they decide to do. I think it's going to make it worse if anything. If you're putting insane amount of pressure on someone to make a decision. That person is going to commit to you if they want to commit to you. If they want to be with you, they're going to be with you. If they want to be in a relationship with you and settle down with you, they're going to be with you. If they want to be in a relationship with you and settle down with you, they're going to do that because that's how life works. People have choices. If you're forcing something, if you're trying to beg and hold on and cling to someone and

tell them what to do and tell them they need to be with you, it's just never going to work out long-term. No one likes to feel cornered. No one likes to feel like they're being backed into making a decision. Being in a relationship is a big decision. So, someone's on the fence and you're cornering them and saying, you know, you need to be with it, whatever. It's just usually not productive.

Now, there was this girl that I follow that I think she's so cool. And she was talking about how she was in a situation, she was someone for a while and then she communicated a few times that she wanted something more serious, he said no and then she just said, you know what, I have boundaries, I love myself enough that I don't need you to give me the attention you're giving me right now, I'm gonna walk away from this and she made the conscious choice to the attention you're giving me right now, I'm going to walk away from this. And she made the conscious choice to step away and she was confident enough in the decision to walk away that she knew she was going to be okay with her without this person. Because she knew her worth and she knew her value.

And she wasn't going to control him and manipulate him into a decision to be with her. She knew her worth and she was like, fuck this, I'm out. I'm done. And she stopped talking to him, cut off communication, went on another date. And this person quickly realized that they made a mistake. And they wanted to be with this, they wanted to be with her. Because she showed him, I'm not going to allow this to happen where you're just going to continue being with me, but not committing to me. And I know that I'm going to be okay with it without you.

And she communicated that through energy. She communicated that through her actions and energy by really believing that she was going to be okay with without this person. And then they ended up in a relationship because the guy understood that she knew her worth and he realized that he was going to be missing out on something really special and really amazing. Sometimes it takes that shift in energy to get what you want in relationships.

And that's not really control, that's actually letting go, which is so fascinating. She wasn't saying, oh, you need to be with me or X, X, Y, and Z. You need to commit to me. You need to do this. You need to do that in order to be with me or I'll never speak to you again. She wasn't giving him an ultimatum like that. She just let go. She cut ties. She said, you know what? I'm out. This is it. If it's meant to be, it'll be, but honestly, I know my worth and I'm not going to stand for this BS anymore. And when you make that energetic shift in your head that you know your worth and you know your value, there's no need for control and relationships.

There's no need to suffocate someone with a million questions and beg them to be with you. The only thing you need is to know that you love yourself. You know your value, you know what you stand for, you know your boundaries, and you know what you're willing to tolerate and what not to tolerate. When you let go, that's when the magic really kicks in, and people can sense that. People sense how you feel about yourself energetically. And the universe responds to it too.

Whenever I feel like I'm at my peak and I'm crushing life and I'm excited to wake up and I'm happy and I'm looking at everything from a positive perspective, better shit happens to me. The universe reflects how you feel about yourself in such beautiful ways. And when you constantly work on yourself love and you know your value, you often will radiate that into the world and people will feel that and know how much you love yourself. It's really cool.

The other thing I wanted to mention from this book because I think everyone should read it. I think it's a beautiful book in general, but there was another passage that I wanted to read. And it's about accepting yourself. It's about loving yourself to the absolute fullest and accepting who you are and knowing that you're beautiful, no matter what you look like, no matter where you're from, what your background is, just knowing that you are so beautiful and when you perceive yourself that

way, it affects every other aspect of your life. When you wake up and you love yourself so much that you think you're the most beautiful, amazing person in the world, it radiates. People really do feel that and this was a part of the book that I'm going to read to you right now. To create a relationship that takes you all the way to heaven, you have to accept your body and what you look like completely. You have to love your body and allow your body to be free just to be free to give, free to receive,

without being shy. Shy is nothing but fear. Imagine how you see your pet dog or your pet cat. You see the dog with eyes of love and you enjoy the beauty of that dog. It doesn't make any difference whether that dog is beautiful or ugly. You can go into ecstasy just seeing the beauty of the dog because it's not about possessing beauty. Beauty is just another concept that we learned.

Do you think a turtle or a frog is ugly? You could see a frog and the frog is beautiful. It's gorgeous. You could see a turtle and it's beautiful. Everything that exists is technically beautiful. It's gorgeous. You could see a turtle on its beautiful. Everything that exists is technically beautiful. Everything. But you think, oh, that is ugly because someone made you believe what is ugly and what is beautiful. Just as someone made you believe what is good and what is bad. There's no problem at all with being beautiful or ugly, short or tall, thin or heavy. There's no problem with being gorgeous. If you walk through a crowd of people and they tell you, oh, you're so beautiful, you can say, thanks, I know, and keep going. It doesn't make any difference to you, but it will make a difference to you if you don't believe you're beautiful and someone

tells you that. Then you're going to say, am I really beautiful? This opinion can impress you. And of course, that makes you easy prey. This opinion is what you think you need because you believe you're not beautiful. So when you don't believe you're beautiful and someone tells you that you are, it's like this rush of euphoria. You're like, oh my God, this person actually thinks I'm beautiful

and it's like mind blowing and shocking to you. And I've definitely felt this way. When I feel super unattractive and someone compliments me, I'm like, what the fuck, like, are you sure if I'm going to be able to do it. I'm not going to be able to do it. I'm not going to be able to do it. I'm not going to be able to do it. I'm not going to be able to do it. I'm not going to be able to do it.

I'm not going to be able to do it. I'm not going to be able to do it. I'm not going to be able to do it. I'm not going to be able to do it. I'm not going to be able to do it.. It's like, thanks. I appreciate it. But it doesn't make a difference to me because I'm not seeking external validation outside of myself. I'm not walking around chasing that idea that everyone needs to be obsessed with me and love me and think I'm the most attractive person in the world because it's temporary. It's fleeting. And if you're basing your life and your value

on the opinions and approval of everyone else around you, and if you're basing yourself love on the people you're dating, it's just like, it could go so high and make you feel so good if things are going well. But the second it's stripped away from you and you don't have that attention in that validation, you could feel like total crap. And I've been there.

I've been there, done that, and I've had ups and downs and highs and lows with my self-worth and myself value based on the approval of everyone else around me and my romantic relationships. So I just thought that was a very interesting chapter and maybe I'll do more reading sessions for you guys on the podcast. If you liked that, because I love reading and I love a good self-help book. I love you guys. Thank you so much as always for listening to the podcast. Be sure to rate the pod on Apple and Spotify if you haven't already and follow it on Spotify

to get new updates about future episodes. I love you. Thanks again and stay tuned for next Monday. if you haven't already and follow it on Spotify to get new updates about future episodes. I love you, thanks again, and stay tuned for next Monday.