Date Yourself Instead - Stop diluting your power for a man

Episode Date: August 28, 2023

It's easy to lose focus when you're so fixated on someone else. But baby, you have to remember that YOU ARE THE MAIN CHARACTER. When it comes to relationships, we often dilute our power and give our energy away instead of directing it towards OURSELVES. Agree or disagree?

Hello everyone, welcome to another episode of Date Yourself Instead. I'm going to be doing this episode on the fly today. I don't know why I just said on the fly, but yeah, I have no notes, and that's because I left my laptop. At my apartment, I just got back from London. I have had a very I have had a very eventful and chaotic time in London. So, for those of you who have been listening to the podcast and following me on Instagram, you would know that I have been back and forth from London to New York City for the last two months. And I really just love London because it reminds me so much of New York, but it's just a cleaner, more proper version.

And it's such a special city, and I absolutely love it there. So I was spending a lot of time between the two cities. However, this last time I decided to go to London, I think it was just too much for me to handle and I decided to cut the trip short and come back. Now, I don't know if I should necessarily hash out all the details on today's episode because today's episode was going to be focused on this concept of diluting your power when it comes to relationships and men and how women dilute their power and they give so much of their precious time and energy away to men instead of focusing it on themselves

and focusing all their power into their passion projects, into their work, into their goals, into their dreams. We get so caught up in relationships and if this guy is going to call us and if we're going to date this person and if we're getting Ghosts, it or not, and we get so consumed with this mentality centered around men and dating and relationships instead of really Focusing on the relationship we have with ourself and it's such an important topic to cover. So I am going to make that the focus of today's episode. However, maybe I'll intro this by telling you a little bit about what happened in London. So I went off to London on my own again. I do a lot of solo traveling and I ended up meeting a really cool group of people while I was there.

I met some new friends. I met some people from New York and I was just putting myself out there trying to be super social, meeting new people at the hotel I was staying at, going to the rooftop by myself and just connecting with like minded people and trying to be extroverted as possible. And although I had a really amazing time, diverted as possible. And although I had a really amazing time, I really drank too much. And I was drinking every day. For those of you who are not familiar with the culture in Europe in general, but I guess it's the UK. In London, in particular, everyone fucking drinks non-stop 24, seven people are always just drunk. Like it's just so normal to go out

and have a pint of beer in the middle of the day. Everyone day drinks, people go out during work hours and chug a pint, okay? And it's just, you know, obviously I love London, I love British culture, I love all of it so, so much, but I cannot keep up with the particular lifestyle that people live there. It's just so intense for me personally,

because I'm not a big drinker, I never was, and I hate feeling like I'm drunk in the middle of a random Tuesday afternoon, and walking through the streets, basically obliterated, making a fool of myself. And that's kind of what happened last week when I was drinking for no reason. Like I think people there, they're just so used to it.

That's the culture. That's what people do. And that's how you grow up. But for me, that's not what I typically do. So it just got to the point where I was going out every single night. I was spending so much time outside of my comfort zone in a good way because, you know, I don't regret it at all. I met such cool people and I had the best time as usual. However, by the end of the week, I felt horrendous. I could not get out of bed.

It was a Saturday afternoon, luckily it was like the weekend, and I didn't really have any particular plans, but I could not get out of bed the entire day I was done for. And I realized I was like, I cannot keep up with this. I cannot live like this. And I'm sure there are plenty of healthy people that live in London that don't go out and get wasted all the time. But just given the environment and the circumstances

and the fact that, you know, I don't have a permanent residence there and I'm by myself. It was just easy to fall into the trap of drinking. So I realized between that and then having a really weird fucking experience with this person that I went on a couple of dates with there, I was like, honestly, the combination of this is just not for me.

Like I need to go home and get my life in order, I need to work, I need to focus. I completely went off track and I'm like, this is not sustainable, given that I'm 30 years old. I'm not about to go backwards and start acting like I'm 21 again. I need to focus and I need to grind and I need to report back. I mean, I guess it makes really good podcast content. That's the upside of living my best life

as a single girl and dating myself and navigating the world of, you know, solo travel and all that fun stuff. And it could make for prime entertainment. So maybe it all happened for a reason at the end of the day. I'm here talking about it on the podcast and maybe it's entertaining to you or maybe it's not. However, that's kind of why I decided to come back to New York because I feel definitely

more grounded here. I still have my parents live here. I still have my friends here and just, I don't know, I just feel more comfortable in this environment. So, we're back. We're back in Manhattan and it's home sweet home. So I'm pretty content. I've been getting really good sleep. I've been going to the gym. I've been back in my routine, back in the swing of things, and I'm happy to report. I feel way better. I feel way more secure in my body and I'm not drinking anymore. I'm completely sober,

I'm done with the alcohol, I'm done with the lifestyle of going out and being a fool. I didn't do anything crazy. I just feel like when I'm drunk, I just become this weird version of myself and I don't really like it. I'm not really into it right now. I'm more focused on bettering my life, feeling good, feeling strong, mentally clear, and I just wanna level up, you know? So we're done. I'll probably go back soon,

but I need a moment to breathe and feel stable and productive. Okay, so let's get into today's topic of discussion, which is diluting your power for a man. And I know it goes both ways. Some men listening to the podcast, I know you've probably given all your time and energy away to women before that fuck you over. Whatever it is, I know it goes both ways, but I'm centering this topic around my personal experiences. When I've given my power and given control up to a man, to a relationship that was honestly

at the end of the day, not worth it, was pointless, was something that was just a blip of time and I wish I could take all that time and energy back and I wish I would have focused all the energy onto myself because honestly, I've been in and out of relationships since I'm 14 years old, okay? I am 30 years old now. 14, 14 is when I met my first boyfriend. We were in an eight year on and off relationship

and that is when this pattern started of just giving all my power and energy away to a guy because I thought that was what I was supposed to do. I thought I was supposed to cater to someone else that I was in love with and bend over backwards to try to get them to stay with me or try to make a relationship work. And I poured so much of my valuable precious energy

and time into things that overall, usually never worked out. And although those things taught me a lot about myself and gave me amazing experiences and, you know, helped me grow as a person and as a woman, I'm not saying I regret any of those things and any of those relationships. However, I'm just thinking about realistically, if I had taken all the energy I spent crying over a man and put it into myself and put it into my goals and my dreams and work towards them,

I'd be at the same fucking level as Taylor Swift right now, okay, like I swear. I just, I have so much drive and ambition, but I would always allow it to get depleted and destroyed by men. So, I wanted to really talk about this and dive into a little more details and maybe some story times and examples of when I've done this before, when I've given my power away and given it up to make something work with someone because, you know, I'm emotional.

I have feelings as we all do. And I would get so swept up in this fantasy and this romanticized storyline of me and a new guy I'm seeing. And then three months would go by and I've done nothing productive with my life. All I've done is decipher a million text messages this man is sending me, trying to figure out if we're gonna date or not, pouring my heart and soul into situations, that just went in fucking circles and never ended up being anything. And it just distracted me so far from my goals. And I think a lot of people can relate to this,

where you know, you get so caught up in what someone else is feeling about you, and you get so caught up in trying to else is feeling about you and you get so caught up in trying to make something work that you forget to nurture yourself. You forget to work on yourself and you end up taking so much away from your own life. You end up diluting your power. I went out to dinner with one of my best friends, Haley last night. And we go to this place in Flatiron called ABCV and they have incredible food. We're addicted to the spot. It's literally the best fucking place ever. If you ever go there, you got to try their mushroom walnut pasta, 10 out of 10,

10 out of 10, Jeff's kiss. Okay. Anyways, so we were at ABCV catching up as BFFs do, and I was like, it's so insane to me how women in general spend so much time invested on keeping a guy in their life and trying to navigate a relationship of some sort, where their brain is so preoccupied with a man instead of onto their goals and dreams, and then they lose all their power. And I'm 100% guilty of this, and that's why I was speaking on behalf of all women. I was telling her how I feel like we deplete our spark, like we deplete everything that we've worked for essentially to try to make a relationship happen when 9 times out of

10, it never works out if you're trying so hard. That's usually a sign that it's not going to work out. And too, when we focus all of our energy into ourselves, that's when magic happens. And that's when you attract the right people into your life and the right partners. And instead of just allowing that process to happen effortlessly and naturally and make it easy, we make things so difficult for ourselves. And then we end up diluting all of our power. And this could range from, you're trying to build a business for yourself. You're trying to become an entrepreneur, for example.

And I'm speaking from my personal experience of being an entrepreneur and trying to build a personal brand for myself and building out the podcast. And then some guy starts talking to you and you are attracted to him and he's attracted to you. And then you start going on dates. And things feel good initially, and you're excited and you're motivated, and you're still working,

and you're still building your brand on the side. But then slowly over time, things start to dissipate and go wrong with this person. Like he stops texting you as frequently, he's pulling back a little bit. You're not really sure what's going on. You thought things were going in a really good direction, and then suddenly they're not anymore,

and you're like, what the fuck? And it starts to distract you. So it starts to take your focus and attention off of what your passion projects are, and what you're working towards in your life. And it knocks you out of alignment. And suddenly, you're working towards in your life, and it knocks you out of alignment. And suddenly, you're anxious. Suddenly, you're sad. Suddenly, you're thinking about this person and how they feel about you and where the relationship is headed versus pouring all your heart and

soul into yourself. And then you start to lose your power because suddenly your energy is your power, right? So suddenly all your energy, which is your power, is going towards if this guy likes you or not, if you're gonna be together or not, and it sucks the fucking life out of you. And I think this is a very relatable thing that I haven't really heard it been talked about often because it's vulnerable to admit that maybe you're giving your power away

to someone else, but it's common and it happens. And until you're so in love with yourself and your own life and you're so grounded in your soul and you're so grounded in your purpose, you'll easily get swept away inside track by someone that's giving you attention. You'll easily get distracted when you're not truly secure and grounded in your own frame and your own purpose. And that's something I've learned recently

where it's like, I think for the longest time of my life, I wasn't grounded in any sort of meaningful purpose where I wasn't waking up and working towards something meaningful enough for me. So I would just get sidetracked and swept up with someone else's life and make their life my priority. I'd be like, oh, this guy, you know,

he's doing all these amazing things with his life. Let me just hop on board and become his girlfriend. And I started giving all my precious energy away to someone that nine times that attend wasn't even worth it. I don't remember half of these people's names, you know, that I've entertained or I've screen shoted text messages and sent to my friends and said, what do you think he's thinking? Like do you think he likes me?

It's just pathetic. It's like, why am I so consumed? Why is my brain so preoccupied with someone's investment in me, with someone's opinion of me? If you're truly secure with yourself and you are so proud of the person and the woman that you were becoming, you're going to be so at peace with your own life, your own goals, your own schedule, and your commitments to yourself that it's not going to matter how someone really feels about you. And you're going to align yourself with the right people effortlessly. You're not going to have to try so hard.

You're not going to be depleted and dilute your power for someone else. 99% of the time, it is never worth the investment and the amount of energy you're giving to someone. Unless this person is your fiance or your husband, it's 99% of the time never worth it. Okay. If this person you think is a love of your life, they're treating you like gold and they make you a better person and they're building you up and they inspire you to be better every day and you're productive and focused and you're happy with your own life with this person, then great, that's probably an amazing person to be around and that's probably someone that's really good for you. But I'm talking about these situations where you're pulling apart every little detail of someone's interactions with you

because you're not sure what's going on or happening. You're confused about where this person stands. Any small thing that they do to fuck up triggers you. If you're in a situation like that and you feel like hopeless or anxious all the time and you're not focusing on your own life and goals, it's never fucking worth it. I promise you, it's not, and I know this because I've been in multiple situations like this

where I got so sidetracked by a guy. I got so sidetracked, I stopped working towards my passions, he became my passion. And that's not good. And I think it also stems from not only this idea of not having a genuine purpose or meaningful purpose in your life, it also stems from deep childhood wounds and insecurities. Now I grew up seeking a lot of validation because I think I was in an environment when I was younger where emotions weren't super open and emotions weren't super discussed. And I think I had this whole

built up fear of really being abandoned. So I would try to validate myself through my relationships. Instead of focusing on myself, I would just depend on a man to feel good. I would depend on a relationship to make me feel wanted, to make me feel loved, to make me feel secure.

And that's how I always found myself constantly in serious relationships with people because I was using them as a crutch. And obviously, this doesn't take away from the connection I had with my boyfriend's and how much I love them because I did, I poured my heart and soul and all my love into this person, but I always ended up neglecting myself and my own needs.

I always ended up losing myself and someone else. I always ended up sucking the power out of my own soul to be with them. And as I've got an older and, you know, as I've developed as a woman, I realize that you can give yourself all of that love and that energy and that power. You can provide that for yourself if you are secure with who you are. And it takes a lot of healing and it takes a lot of work if you come from an environment growing up where you were emotionally neglected.

And I'm not saying anything bad about, you know, my parents, their amazing parents, they love me, they did the best they could. But I think just growing up a certain way can really affect how you act in your romantic relationships. And this has nothing to do with blaming your parents for your childhood trauma. It's more just saying, this is why I feel the way that I feel. This is why I am who I am, but it's okay and I can change it

and I can transform it and I can heal it if I actively choose to heal it. And that's what I did and that's what I'm still doing. I wrote this down in my phone notes today while I was drinking my coffee. And I wanted to touch on it because it's a very important point. Okay, write this down. If you have a pen and paper, write this down.

Your energy is your most valuable currency. Your energy is where you thrive and succeed. And where you focus your attention and all of your energy is where you're going to be the most successful in your life. So if you're focusing all of your fucking attention on someone that's not texting you back and not asking you on dates and not giving you what you expect or what you think you deserve, you're gonna go in circles all day every day. It's not productive energy. If you're focusing your energy on building your brand, your small business that you wanna create,

I don't wanna actually say small business, but you know what I mean? If you are focusing on building a new brand for yourself, if you're focusing on getting a new job in general or getting into better shape, working on your physical health, meeting a new group of solid friends to hang out with. Anything you want, obviously, there's so many different things that you probably want in your lifetime. If you are getting so sidetracked all the time off of your own goals and dreams

because your energy is shifting into a man, it's a sign that you're on the wrong track. And I've had to catch myself many times in the past where I would be so focused and so zoned in on a goal and so productive for a few weeks. And then I started talking to a guy and he would take so much away from that because he just wasn't the right person. The right person will inspire you to be better.

The right person will inspire you to work on yourself even harder. I truly, truly, truly, truly believe that. Obviously, sometimes when your feelings are super strong for someone, it's distracting because it's all these hormones running and you're like, endorphins, oh my God, dopamine, I'm obsessed with this person, I'm in love, butterflies. But at the end of the day, that person should inspire you to do more with your life.

And if you're sitting here crying or anxious or shaking over a man and you're listening to this right now and you're like, oh my God, like I'm not inspired to be a better person around this person because they're draining the fucking life out of me. You have your answer right there. You know what's actually good for you. Your soul knows who's actually right for you and who isn't, but your brain will convince you out of it. You'll make excuses. You'll justify people's behaviors. You will do the most to convince yourself that it's not that bad, that this person can change that everything is fine, but your soul fucking knows. Your

soul knows. Where you give the most attention to is where you're going to thrive the most in your life. So you will go nowhere. You will go nowhere if you invest all of your time and energy into making a relationship work. Now, if you've been married for years and you have children and you know, you have issues right now in your marriage, that's different, okay? I'm not referring to that. Marriage and children are way more serious,

way more complex and layered. And I'm not making any sort of commentary on that. I'm talking about people that aren't even committed to you. If you're not even in a relationship and you're invest so invested in this other person, just take a step back because your energy is your most valuable currency. And if you keep focusing on them instead of yourself, it's usually a regretful outcome.

Because you're gonna look back and say, wow, he ghosted me after those six months. And instead of entertaining that and putting all my fucking brain power into this man, I could have been building a new side business for myself. I could have been getting more focused and going to the gym more often because I want to feel good about, you know, my physical health and my mental well-being. I could have taken up some new hobbies.

I could have joined a new club. I could have made new friends. I could have done so much more with my energy and time instead of clinging on to a man who was breadcrumbing me and giving me the bare minimum. This is always why I say, date yourself instead. Because once you center the focus on yourself, you know your life is going to go somewhere productive. You know you're going to feel good. It's a guarantee. If you're focusing on yourself and you're building something amazing for yourself

and you're working on your passions and your dreams and figuring out ways to make yourself feel fucking amazing, it's obvious that your life is gonna get better. It's 100% guaranteed that your life is going to get better and improve and up level because that's where your energy and focus is going However, if you're giving your attention to a Dusty man who cannot commit to you

Your life is gonna go nowhere so You really have to put that into perspective and think about it next time you're entertaining someone who You know isn't gonna commit to you. He's that into perspective and think about it next time you're entertaining someone who you know isn't going to commit to you. He's banging 30 other chicks on the side, okay? You know, giving you excuses why he can't hang out, make plans, make more time to see you.

Oh, sorry. I didn't get back to you for 48 hours. I was working. No, okay. Don't believe a man who says that. I'm sorry. Everyone has okay. Don't believe a man who says that. I'm sorry. Everyone has a job. Everyone works. I mean, you know, some people are unemployed, but given the economy, okay, it's rough times right now. I understand. I also went through it. But I'm saying everyone has some sort of thing they could be doing. Everyone has some sort of

thing they could be working towards. And I know some of the busiest people in the fucking world, the busiest entrepreneurs, busiest men in the world, still have time to go and text someone back. Okay, everyone has their phone in their hand. I saw this TikTok recently, and it resonated with me so much. I was literally laughing at my phone because it resonated with me so much. I was literally laughing at my phone because it just hit me so hard. Everyone has their phone in their fucking hand. We live in 2023. If someone sees your text and they don't reply for 48 hours, it's because they don't care that much. Bottom line. Okay. The right person is going to want to talk to you even if it's for five, ten minutes a day,

they're going to say something, they're going to reply to your messages. Maybe they'll even call you, okay, which is in my opinion even better and a way to actually communicate better. But if someone is throwing lame ass excuses at you and saying, oh, I'm busy for the next four days, but like, after next week, I'm pretty free to chat. Excuse me. No, it's a lie. They don't like you that much. And my point being not to get too off topic here, but my point being if you're dealing

with shit like that and crap like that and you're letting it affect your day to day and you're letting it suck and drain your energy and power dry, cut it the fuck out. Because I promise you, the second you cut everything out and you just say, I'm not going to tolerate this. I don't need this. I'm better than this and I deserve better. Not only are you going to track better, but you will have so much more time to focus on who you are and bettering your own life and leveling up,

so you can actually meet the right person and not tolerate dusty as behavior. Now, I'll get into a little story time. There was someone that I went on a few dates with and he started pulling back and everything was amazing in person. The dates were fine. We got along great.

But then he started pulling back excessively and would disappear for a day or two. And then he would come at me with these excuses. Like, oh, I had a really crazy weekend. And it was my friends wedding. And then I had a really crazy weekend and it was my friends wedding and then I had work and it was X, Y, and Z lists upon lists of fucking laymas excuses. And the old me when I was in my early 20s would have been like, oh, my god, it's fine. Don't worry about it. I don't care. It's all good. Just tolerate it because that's just who I was in my 20s. I was vulnerable. I was naive. I was willing to give everyone a million fucking chances. But as I got older and I started creating boundaries for myself, I started valuing myself. I started creating boundaries for myself. I started valuing myself. I started focusing more on self-love and my confidence

and understanding that you have to have clear firm boundaries when it comes to dating and engaging with people because not everyone is the same heart as you. Not everyone is thinking of butterflies and rainbows and bunny rabbits in their head all day. I was. I was the type of person that saw the absolute 100% good in everyone at all times. And although it's a good quality to have an amazing open heart, a lot of people in this

world will take advantage of you if they're not on the same page. So I was being thrown all these excuses and it was sucking my energy out because I felt suddenly like I was tolerating lying behavior. Now when someone fucking lies to me as a Capricorn woman, you're done. You're just done. You're cut, you're through. I want nothing to do with you anymore. But I had already invested a little time into the situation, and I was willing to be a little bit open-minded and give him a pass in the sense of saying, okay, whatever, I'm doing my own thing too. It's not the biggest deal in the world. But then it kept fucking happening. And once it keeps happening and the same actions repeat themselves over and over again, you know it's no good.

So then you could really cut it off. You know it's no good because if it happens once, fine. And if the behavior is corrected, fine. Then you can move on and be like, all right, it's no good because if it happens once, fine. And if the behavior is corrected, fine, then you can move on and be like, all right, it's all good. But if the same behavior keeps happening, that's called a pattern. And when you tolerate a pattern like that, you can drain your power and have the life sucked out

of you overnight because now you're tolerating shitty ass behavior. And now you're tolerating things that you shouldn't be tolerating. And it can really drain you and leave you feeling defeated. It can leave you feeling insecure. It can leave you feeling like you're not good enough. And that's why I say, cut something off the second it starts to drain or to pleat you, trust me. The right person will make you feel stronger, the right person will make you feel more confident with yourself, they'll support you emotionally, they will be a really good asset to your life, guaranteed.

And I've had both experiences, I've experienced both parallels of this. So I've had an amazing long-term relationship with a man who was super secure. He was super emotionally supportive. He was so supportive of my career and my dreams. He believed in me so much. And I had that experience. So I won't tolerate anything less.

It's harder when you haven't had that experience and you're still, you know, just holding out, hoping you have that experience, so you're willing to tolerate more shitty behavior, but trust me, you have to have the faith that that's what you deserve. It's out there for you if you just are open to receive it. And in order to receive it, you need to let go of the bullshit. You need to be unapologetic and fearless and cut ties with people who are draining and depleting your soul. And that's when the universe will reward you with someone amazing and someone great and

someone who could actually make your life better instead of worse. And that's what I've learned through a lot of my experiences, just dating different people, seeing what was out there and realizing that I deserve the world, and I deserve someone who's going to make me a better person and not suck the life out of me. And with that being said, I think that concludes today's episode. I've made my case, I've made my point. I think that was pretty straightforward.

And I appreciate all the love and support on date yourself I've made my point. I think that was pretty straight forward. And I appreciate all the love and support on date yourself instead. As always, if you think this could resonate with someone or help someone that you know, one of your besties, family member, sister, cousin, anyone, feel free to share the podcast. It really does help it grow. And if you haven't already, be sure to follow it on Spotify and Apple and rate it. It would be amazing and so appreciated. I love you. Thanks again and stay tuned for next Monday.