Date Yourself Instead - The power of being direct and communicative (stop playing games)

Episode Date: October 16, 2023

In this episode, I talk about the power of being direct, forward and just communicating versus running from your problems - especially when it comes to dating. Sometimes I've been anxious or afraid to speak my truth because of the fear of messing things up. But, as of recently, that changed. Here's everything I've learned about being honest and direct about my feelings. If you enjoyed this episode, always dm me @lyss and let me know your feedback. Love you xx.

Okay, I'm wearing jean shorts on a leather couch and they're making really squeaky noises and it sounds really fucking weird. So if you hear squeaking in this episode, it's not what you think it is, okay? It's my jean shorts rubbing up against the couch. I don't know why I felt the need to tell you guys that at the very beginning of this episode. But anyways, before I really dive into the episode, I also want to make a note if you haven't already. Be sure to follow the podcast on Spotify if you are listening on Spotify so you can keep up with new episodes and also rate the podcast if you're loving, date yourself instead. Just be sure to hit the follow button and make sure you're loving, date yourself instead.

Just be sure to hit the follow button and make sure you're actually following it because it really does help the podcast grow and you'll also be able to say updated the second any new episode to drop. So, over the last few days, I have taken up a new persona. I don't know what has come over me,

but I feel fiery. I feel fired up and ready to really take on the world. I don't know what happened. I just woke up one day and I was sick of feeling sick and tired. I was sick of feeling sorry for myself. I was sick of playing the victim because I just don't want to be that person that feels like the world is out to get me, but sometimes I get in my head too much and then I

think that and I go down a spiral where I think everything in my life sucks and I'm not good enough and I'm not worthy and I have to talk myself out of it. And it might seem like I have my shit together and my life together because I have this great podcast and I'm able to travel and I have amazing friends. And yes, all of those things are true and I'm very, very grateful. However, sometimes my anxiety just makes me feel like I'm never doing enough and my anxiety makes me feel like I'm not worthy of what I'm doing, if that makes sense.

So I really was getting in my head over the last couple of weeks, but then I knew I needed to snap myself out of it. And I was doing some really deep meditations over the last couple days to calm myself down. And now I feel reborn. I was fed up with the way a situation in particular my life was currently going with a specific person. It felt really stagnant and confusing and it was weighing in on every other aspect of my life and making me feel bad and causing me to spiral.

I just didn't like how I was feeling and it was taking up so much of my mental energy and space. So after doing a lot of meditations, I made the conscious decision when I woke up the other day to be brutally honest with myself and also to anyone I was having any sort of problems within my life. I'm the type of person that really doesn't like confrontation and I struggle with communication and being open and honest with how I feel because I'm afraid of the other person's response and I don't like staring the pot. I don't like causing drama. I don't like having weird vibes with people. It makes me uncomfortable to speak my truth sometimes because I'm afraid of how the other person is going to perceive it and take it. And that's why I want to talk about communication

and being super direct and honest and take charge on today's episode. Communication is actually the key to everything in life. It's really everything. And it makes your life so much fucking easier and it opens your life up to so many options and possibilities. Because when you're honest and open, you really get the answers you need out of people.

You get all the answers right in front of you. You don't need to play guessing games. You don't need to decipher every little thing because you'll figure out what the other person in your life is thinking or feeling if you're just direct and open and communicative. Playing games and hiding yourself is always just delaying the truth and delaying progress in your relationships and communicative. Playing games and hiding yourself is always just delaying the truth

and delaying progress in your relationships and your friendships. And in any situation where communication needs to happen, you're delaying the progress of things getting better by not communicating. And I didn't realize this until recently, because I am a guarded Capricorn. I hide my heart, I hide my feelings and emotions to protect myself, and I don't like dealing with confrontation.

That being said, it is a fear of mine to be super direct to the people I'm and talk in a microphone because I'm in a recording studio, I'm by myself, and it's just easier to say everything that's on my mind without the fear of confrontation or being judged because it's just different. This is part of my work and I know the people listening to it want to be listening to it. I don't really get inside my head because it's also pre-recorded, it's edited, it's planned out. So I'm not really worried about the opinions of people listening to my podcast when I'm alone, right? But when it comes to my intimate close relationships

with the people that are actually a really big part of my life, I'll shut down a little bit because I never want to step on anyone's toes. I never want to hurt the people I love. I never want to fuck up someone I'm talking to. If I like them and we're in a situation, I don't want to mess it up. If I say something a little off or if I speak my truth and it doesn't sit well with them, it's hard for me to be super direct. But as of recently, that changed. And it inspired this episode because I'm like, whoa, once I actually let go of that fear of communicating and being super direct and honest,

my life just got so much easier. In this particular case, recently I was talking to someone that I think liked me or likes me. I don't really know exactly how they feel because whatever, it's not really relevant, but I could tell that they were interested in me enough where they had been pursuing me for a little bit, and I really liked them as a person and as a friend. They're great. I have no problems with the friendship that we're building, but it got a little uncomfortable for me and weird because I feel

like they started to like me and or they do do like me, and I just wasn't really sure where they stood and they asked me out. But I'm not in a place to be in a serious relationship right now. And I was under the impression maybe this person wanted it to go in that direction, but I know that I'm just not really looking for that at this stage of my life. So instead of speaking about it right away, I shut down. And they asked me for plans and then I kind of just avoided the situation and ignored it because, well, one, I was busy, but also it wasn't an excuse to ignore. Like, I could have answered sooner, but I just kind of shut down and I was like,

I'll get back to this at a later time when I feel like it. However, he followed up and texted me again and was like, I'll get back to this at a later time when I feel like it. However, he followed up and texted me again and was like, hey, are you ghosting me? And I'm like, all right, now you have to speak up and be honest, because you cannot just leave people hanging like that. You wouldn't want that done to you. You wouldn't want to be ghosted

and you wouldn't want this to happen the other way around. So you just need to speak your truth and tell him exactly how you feel. So I'm gonna redo the text I sent him right now because I think it's appropriate to tie back into this episode. So I said, hey, no, I am not ghosting you. I hate the feeling of disappointing you. I hate the feeling of letting you down.

I know we've been trying to make plans for a little while now, and I do like you. I enjoy talking to you, but I'm hesitant on a serious relationship right now, and I can't see myself having more than a friendship right now. And I don't want to get in a situation where I'm unsure and disappointed anyone. That was almost word for word right from the phone,

what I texted him back. And listen, I really have a lot of empathy where I feel bad if I were to disappear on anyone and not give them a solid reasoning as to why. I didn't want to ghost him. He's from what I could tell a decent person. But the truth is, if I just don't feel ready to date you seriously and you're going to take me out to dinner, there will be guilt attached to the situation because if I'm friends with you and I know you mean well, I'm not going to take advantage of you and go out with you and have you spend

money on me, et cetera, and use you essentially. Because if you want something to go in a serious direction and I'm not ready for that, that's basically using you. Like I don't want to put you in that position. I don't want you have the sense of guilt over the situation while we're eating dinner. I'm like, this isn't gonna go anywhere. I don't want it to be like that.

So I knew I needed to speak my truth. That being said, men probably do not operate this way at all. They don't give a fuck. If this was the other way around, they would have no issue using a woman and dropping them the second they lost interest. But, you know, whatever. At the end of the day, this is who I am.

I'm going to be upfront and honest, and I could sleep at night knowing that I was direct and straightforward. I don't want to deceive anyone because I want a free dinner and drinks. It's not worth it to me. Honestly, if it was a total stranger that I met on the street and I didn't know anything about them and they asked me to dinner and drinks. It's not worth it to me. Honestly, if it was a total stranger that I met on the street and I didn't know anything about them and they asked me to dinner and drinks,

I would probably go, but this person was kind of my friend. So I think I just owed him that text message. Anyways, surprisingly, his response was totally great. He replied and he said, I don't think we could ever hurt each other as long as we're honest. And my expectations are friendship. So we cleared the air, it was all good,

and now there's no awkwardness. And I realized that I created a whole scenario falsely in my brain. I get so in my head about shit and I overthink, and then what happens is you build up so much unnecessary bullshit dialogue in your brain. That, for the most part, isn't even true, and you make up stories in your head

because you just assume what the other person is feeling or thinking about you. When 99% of the time, that's not even really how they feel or perceive you. And then you realize you've just made up an entire story of how they feel about you. And you make up this entire scenario in your head of how it's going to play out.

And oh my god, if I say the wrong thing, it's going to backfire and they're going to hate me. And I'm never going to see this person again. They're never going to want to talk to me again. But really, 99% of the time, it never pans out that way. I realized I was just overthinking the entire situation. By clearing the air and saying how I felt, and he said how he felt, and he said it's not a big deal,

I just realized none of it was actually a big deal at all. I was really glad that I had openly communicated with him. There was another situation I also got into where I was kind of frustrated at a point because this guy I had dated very, very briefly, he was going out and drinking excessively like a lot where it was messy. It came off as very messy

and he'd disappear for a couple of days at a time and I noticed a pattern of every weekend he would vanish off the face of the planet and then I'd see his stories like chugging drinks, just partying and listen. I don't care what you do with your life. If you're the type of person that likes going out, getting wasted on the weekends, partying on the weekends, partying with your friends, doing drugs, whatever the fuck you want to do in life is your decision to make. I respect that.

You do you, especially because if I'm not dating you seriously, if we're not in a relationship, I know you don't owe me anything and I get that. But at the same time, I think I owe myself honesty. And if I'm entertaining any sort of situation with someone that's doing that, and it's not really making me feel comfortable, I have to give myself a reality check and say, what do I actually want at a my life and the situation? Could I take this person seriously? Could I really imagine them as a potential husband? Can I really picture them as someone I could

see myself with long-term? Do I really want a partner that gets wasted a lot and forgets what they do and doesn't talk to me for a few days because they're out raging? I get that people could change, and especially as you get closer with someone, you get into a series relationship, things can shift and things can change where that's not happening as often. But I don't know.

I just, I have been down that road before with people. I've been down the road of dating guys who were really into partying and it never really turned out well. So I'm in a different phase in my life right now and that's okay. And it wasn't anything he was doing wrong. He was just doing what he normally does. But for me, I was just more reflecting on what I needed and it was kind of a turn off.

So then he'd go back to normal and text me and everything was fine after the weekends, but there was just a particular situation with him that caused a turning point where I was like, I'm just not really interested in this dynamic and I'm gonna remove myself for now. But I knew I also needed to speak up and tell him that. I was like, I need to communicate how I feel

before just piecing out. I don't wanna ghost anyone. I don't want to avoid the situation. It's just better to communicate it and tell him how I'm feeling. So, communication actually made the situation a lot less heavy than it felt. It really is the driving force for healing things and fixing things. And I never want to end on bad terms with anyone. I don't even think he knew what I was thinking or how it affected me or bothered me. So I just said to him, listen, this isn't really working for me in a very polite way. I said I wasn't comfortable with his lifestyle and it wasn't really aligning with who I am because I'm older and I just couldn't see it really

continuing because that's not really what I'm about. And then he was kind of like saying how it was a one time thing, and we cleared the air. Ultimately, all was good, we cleared the air. But I just knew at least I had spoken my truth, said what I needed to say and said exactly what was on my mind without filtering myself. I wasn't hiding how I felt about it or dodging it the way that I used to in the past. And honestly, it was such a relief. It takes a huge weight off your shoulders when you're just direct and straightforward

and you think of thought and then it comes out of your mouth. Instead of questioning, oh, should I say this? Should I communicate this? I don't know if they're gonna take it the wrong way. Like, I used to get so my head about speaking my truth, one in reality, after learning how to do it and actually forcing myself to do it, it's very unnatural to me, by the way. It feels uncomfortable to do, but once I actually made a habit of starting to do it, it made everything in my life so much easier, so much easier, because I realized I really

didn't have anything to lose in the first place by speaking my mind. I was also just thinking about how old people have zero filter, because they're at the age of life where anything goes, and they're like, fuck this, I can say whatever I want, I have one life to live, I don't care what anyone has to think about me and they'll just say shit. Just comes right out of their mouth with no filter. Okay, well, for me, I think that's starting at 30 years old. Okay, I don't care about the perception

of how a guy feels about me anymore. If I'm truthful and honest and I have something to say, I'm gonna fucking say it. I'm going to treat them the same way I treat one of my friends, someone that I care about, but I also wouldn't filter myself around. You have to think about it like this.

If you wouldn't filter yourself around someone you're super close with, then why do you care about the opinion of someone you barely know? Like, why do you care about what a guy you just met has to think about you, right? Why do you care about their perception of you? If they can't handle your honesty and your emotions and the way you speak, it's probably not the right person anyway. Obviously, you need boundaries when it comes to speaking. You need to be respectful and normal and be a human being when you're communicating.

I'm not saying go off the rails and be aggressive and be a psychopath and start screaming at someone if they've wronged you. I'm just saying there's a way to communicate in almost any situation that can help, that can heal the situation, that can make things easier and better, and smooth things over if things are a little rocky. Also, for me going into every situation now with the mindset that you truly really do have nothing to lose is the best fucking thing ever. I think my whole life, I was so afraid of losing control or losing something. But now I'm like, okay, if you don't want to talk to me

after I genuinely express how I feel and if I really show you my cards and show you my emotions and feelings and you just don't want anything to do with me, that is your problem now. That's not my problem. I have nothing to lose. I'm just speaking my truth.

This is really authentically who I am. And if you can't handle me unfiltered, then you're not the right person anyway. Or you're not the right friend. Or, you know, whatever it is, whoever it is that this episode might apply to in your life. The other thing is, you can't expect people to always know exactly what's going on in your brain and exactly how you feel because they are not you.

Everyone has a different perception of the world. Everyone grows up a different way with different background, different environment. Everyone was raised by different parents, so all of our brains are wired very differently at the end of the day. So you can't. You cannot just assume the other person knows what you're thinking at all times. And I've been guilty of this

where I can think someone is reading my mind and they're just not at all and they had no idea I felt the way I felt. For example, I was briefly dating this guy and I was so closed off and not communicating properly because I just was under the impression he would figure me out if he really wanted to, which is stupid.

He literally said to me, I cannot tell how you feel about me. And I realized that, yes, there will be people in life that do understand you right away. There will be. You'll have a great connection with someone, they'll understand you emotionally and you'll hit it off. But there's going to be other people in your life that come into your life that might not understand you because they're just very different from you.

And that's okay. But that's where communication comes into play. So anytime he would ask me how I felt about him, I'd avoid it. And I got super avoided and shut down. I was like, yeah, I guess I can tolerate you. I just got so avoidant. Instead of saying, yeah, I like you. Or yeah, I'm really into you.

I was just like, yeah, whatever, I can tolerate you, whatever. And I try to play it so fucking cool all the time. And I think it's just because I'm naturally a little fearful of rejection. And I'm naturally just a little closed off because maybe I've been hurt in the past. I was never a really amazing communicator growing up. So I hate being the one to go first with my feelings and express how I feel. And I had this habit of shutting down emotionally. When anything remotely serious or sappy would come up or cute, I couldn't even look at the person in the eye because I'm like, oh my god, feelings, emotions, and I would get super

avoidant. I'm a Capricorn. Okay. I've mentioned this on the podcast and in the beginning of this episode, we don't do well with saffiness until we're really comfortable with someone. I know this because I've, I don't know, it really is a Capricorn thing, but maybe I don't know. Maybe it's the way I also grew up in my environment and the way my parents raised me and maybe I just felt emotionally shut down from certain situations, but I've never really,

you'll never really know. It's just, I don't know where the root of the problem ever came from, but I just shut down when things get super sappy early on. It makes me nervous, but I will say, as of recently, I started to let go of that fear of speaking my truth and realize that if I really had an open heart and I was practicing what I was preaching,

then I would be able to always be honest with everyone. And I realized that I needed to live my truth and speak my truth. So when your heart is open and you realize that you essentially have nothing to lose by just taking the thoughts in your brain and speaking them out into the world. It makes life so much better. And everything has felt pretty easy after that.

Communication has changed my life. And it's so underrated. I don't think people realize how important it is in order to make your life better, improve your relationships, improve your friendships. Obviously, we always hear about it. Oh, yeah, like communication is important, but so many of us are still afraid to be open. So many of us are still afraid to be direct and be clear about what we're looking for, what we want out of someone, because we're afraid of rejection. We're afraid of the other person's perception of us. We're afraid that we're going to get very hurt if we say the wrong thing

and then this other person wants nothing to do with us anymore. Or we fuck something up and we lose a career opportunity. It can go in so many different ways. But if you're really just an open book, you won't have to play so many games in your mind. You won't have to question so many things. You won't have to play so many games in your mind. You won't have to question so many things. You won't have to decipher so much all the fucking time.

It takes a lot of energy to decipher what someone else is thinking or feeling. Communication will allow people to understand you better and allow them to get to know you on such a deeper, more personal level. Then you can really figure out who's meant to be in your life and who isn't, because if you're really open and you're speaking your truth and someone doesn't like you, then you're weeding them out anyway. Goodbye.

I am who I am, and I'm not gonna filter myself for you. And if you don't like that, goodbye. It just makes everything easier. Being completely honest and transparent is also going to get you to the end result of what you're looking for when it comes to relationships. It's fucking annoying to play guessing games and deciphering text messages and deciphering the other person's actions, sending screenshots to your friends, saying, what did this mean?

Do they like me? Do they not? Does he want to hang out with me? Does he want to hang out with me? Does she want to hang out with me? What is he saying? What is she saying? It's exhausting. It's exhausting to pull apart someone's words and actions

and try to figure out what the fuck's going on. So I don't want to say I started going off the rails. That expression just cracks me up. But I did. Okay. With people that I just felt like I couldn't get answers out of them. So I was like, you know what, I'm just going to communicate and see what happens. I'm not going to ask my friends for advice about the situation anymore. I'm just going to speak up and tell them how it is. Instead of playing guessing games with someone, I'll say, hey, what did you mean by this?

I don't get it. I don't get what you're trying to say. Hey, I really like you, but this was bothering me. Hey, you're confusing me and you're playing hot and cold and I'm really unsure where you stand. What's up? Don't sugarcoat the rest of your life. Don't sugarcoat your feelings and how you feel. It's honestly pointless to keep sugar coating

how you feel because if you keep doing that for the rest of your life, it's just so much wasted energy. Wouldn't you rather know how someone feels about you directly and straight up versus asking your friends for help 24-7 and letting something drag out for three months because you're not sure where someone stands with you or how they feel about you? Wouldn't you just rather get to the bottom of it and save yourself three months?

That's how I see everything now. I'm like, I don't have time for this. I don't have time to wonder what you're thinking about me. I'm just gonna ask you. And if you can't be honest with me, that's on you. But I'm gonna be honest with myself and figure out what I need from someone. And if you're not giving that to me,

I'll go elsewhere because I know my value and I know my worth. And it's just annoying to block yourself off from speaking your truth. And I really just had this epiphany recently because sometimes you don't even realize how closed off you are. Like, I didn't realize how guarded I was

and protective of my speech. I was until I started actually really speaking to people and speaking to them as if I've known them for 20 years. And I was like, listen, I have nothing to lose here. If you don't wanna be with me after I'm clear with you and honest with you, that's my answer. So, yeah. If someone is confusing you, tell them that.

Ask them for clarity. If someone is bothering you, address it. If someone's playing hot and cold games with you, and they're being super flaky and fucking weird, call them out. You also do not have to be rude or mean about communicating. You do not have to be an aggressive psychopath. You can speak your mind clearly without being overly emotional, like the text I read you earlier, very mature, normal conversations

with people. I realize that usually things go better than planned when you come from a place of genuine peace and calm and love. So just try to communicate if you're in a situation right now where you want an answer from someone and you're not sure try to communicate if you're in a situation right now where you want an answer from someone and you're not sure where you stand or you're not sure what direction your relationship is headed in or you think your friends mad at you and you don't know how to approach it. Just try to approach it and communicate in a peaceful, calm way but be straightforward and direct. Speak your truth but also don't be crazy about it. Okay, I'm not promoting crazy on my podcast.

Don't actually go off the rails. It was a joke. So I read this quote from Pinterest, and it really resonated, and it applies really well to today's episode. Be honest with yourself and do what's best for you and do what feels right to you. You are only responsible to live your own life authentically

and no one else is. You are responsible for your truth. You are responsible to speak your mind and live your best life. And you don't have to worry so much and get in your head all the time about other people's perception of what you are to them, of how you come off to them. It's not your job to worry about other people's perception of you. And I think that's a big theme of today's episode because a lot of the

times we're afraid to speak up and we're afraid to communicate because we're afraid of the other person's perception of us in any situation. And I'm guilty of this where I'm like, if I say the wrong thing and they take it the wrong way, they're gonna think I'm a bitch. They're gonna think I'm a piece of shit.

They're gonna think that I'm not a good friend or a good person or they going to think that I don't care about them. There's so many different angles and thoughts that can go through your head that can cause you to close yourself off and then guard yourself and protect yourself and actually not deal with the situation at all. And I used to do this all the time. But the truth is when you tune those voices out and you're like, listen, this is what I feel and I just need to say it. And it's up to them to take it however they want it, but I need to speak my truth because this is who I am. That's the most important thing.

That's the most important thing in life. And it'll get you so much further in your relationships when you actually master the skill of communication and learning how to do it. I also did want to bring up a situation where I failed to communicate and it cost me later. I was in a situation ship for several months with someone who triggered and boiled my blood all the fucking time.

But I always wanted to keep the peace with him because I liked him so much with someone who triggered and boiled my blood all the fucking time. But I always wanted to keep the peace with him because I liked him so much and I didn't wanna fuck anything up. I thought if I said the wrong thing to him, he would ghost me, which is super pathetic. By the way, clearly it wasn't the right person anyways because you should never feel that way

and that uncomfortable and anxious and fearful around someone that you're supposed to be in a relationship with. We weren't in a full-blown relationship but we were dating for months and I really liked him and I cared about his perception of me so much. I cared that if I said the wrong thing it would fuck everything up. You get the point. So I never communicated with him how I truly felt for four months. And in those four months, I spiraled. I was so anxious all the time. I was fearful to say anything to him that would like step on his toes and make him back away. It was just this feeling in my head where I felt like I couldn't really be authentically myself

because I was afraid of his response. And I always felt like he was hiding things from me. I always felt like he was talking to women behind my back and he was dating other people. And maybe we were both playing games with each other. Maybe we both weren't really having an open line of communication, but I don't even think he thought that deeply into it because I don't really think he liked me that much.

But anyways, point being, I think I would have saved myself a lot of energy and time if I had just been more direct with him from the beginning. But I was so fearful of his response, and I was afraid of losing the situation, which was basically nothing at the end of the day, that I didn't speak my truth. And looking back at this age in my life and at this stage of my life, I would have definitely said something way sooner to prevent myself from getting hurt. Because what ended up happening was I bottled in all these emotions for so long that when it came

time to actually addressing them, we ended up in this explosive argument. And it was so bad. Like sending essays to each other, it was just a load of talks at garbage, and it ended up blowing up in both of our faces, and we had to end the situation. And I think it was supposed to end regardless, but I think it could have been approached in such a different, more mature and peaceful way if we had both learned the power

of actual mature communication. But he wasn't really communicating with me either, and I think I was just mirroring that, and I think I was just afraid because he wasn't open so I wasn't open, and it was this triggering cycle. So it ended really, really bad. And we got in this huge fight and we didn't speak pretty much ever again after that.

I never hung out with him again after that. And it was unfortunate because I was really hurt and I was in a lot of pain for a while after that situation. And I think he was totally fine. Like he's probably like, doesn't even remember who I am. But it was one of those situations for me where I vividly remember just being so afraid

to tell him how I felt all the time. And now I'm in a place in my life where I'm like, if I ever felt that way around someone again, I would just tell them, I'd say, listen, sometimes I don't feel comfortable expressing myself around you. Sometimes I just feel afraid to tell you how I feel. Because once you actually communicate that to someone, it'll give you an open path to one, see the reaction and see if they're willing to talk things out with you and make you feel comfortable. Or two, they're going to ghost you or do something stupid in response and you'll have your answer and you want to deal with them ever again and you're not going to waste six months dating someone that doesn't care about you.

So you really got nothing to lose. That's kind of the point I'm trying to make here. And with that being said, that concludes today's episode of Date Yourself Instead. Thank you for listening to the podcast as always. Remember if you haven't already, be sure to read the pot on Apple and Spotify and follow the podcast on Spotify and always send me a message on Instagram at list or on the podcast Instagram at date yourself instead.

I love you. Thank you as always and stay tuned for next Monday.