Date Yourself Instead - The red flags you see now are the reasons you'll leave later

Episode Date: July 3, 2023

Self explanatory. If you see some major issues early on, my best advice is to get out while you still can. The red flags you see in the beginning are the reasons you'll most likely leave the relationship later - or they'll be the reason you're unhappy in a relationship. Yes, people can grow and change, however, I've noticed that my gut was always telling me to run prior to diving deeper into a situation with someone...yet I just ignored it. Let's talk about it.

The red flags you see in the beginning are the reason you will leave the relationship later. Trust me on this one. Every single time I've ever dated someone briefly and they were showing me their true colors or showing me red flags and my intuition was screaming at me early on in the relationship, yet I continue to ignore it and justify it and say, oh, it's not that bad. They're not that bad of a person. They'll change blah, blah, blah. X, Y, and Z. It's fine. I would always end up regretting not trusting my gut. And I would always end up regretting it later on because they were showing me who they were

the entire fucking time. From day one, right off the bat, yet I would dismiss it because I thought they were attractive or I liked them or there was some sort of connection there. off the bat, yet I would dismiss it because I thought they were attractive or I liked them, or there was some sort of connection there. So I would justify everything, dismiss it, say, you know what, it's not really a big deal. And I'd continue the relationship even though I knew from the get-go, it probably was never going to go anywhere serious.

Sometimes it's really tricky because red flags can be super subtle. They're not like smack in your face, oh my god, this guy's a serial cheater or this guy's a murderer. It's like sometimes you spot really subtle red flags where you're not sure if they're actually big deal or not, so then you tend to just wave them and you tend to just ignore them because you still like the person. But as I just said, the red flags you spot in the beginning, even if their subtle are usually the reason you're going to end the relationship later or you're going to have problems in the relationship later down the road. If someone is showing you warning signs early on in the dating phase of your relationship, especially within the first month or two, and you're still going to proceed with the relationship because you're hoping things will change or you're hanging on to the potential of it, just proceed with caution.

Okay, that's the best advice I could give. I'm not gonna tell you to end it because I'm not gonna tell you what to do with your life, but I will say proceed with caution and just be aware of it. And now when I go into a new dating situation, I always write things down that I spot, or I write things down and document people's behaviors

because I know it's kind of sad, but I have to, because I forget. I'm the type of person that's super forgetful and I get over things really quickly and I'm very forgiving. So if someone wrongs me, I'll literally forget about what they even did in a couple of weeks from now.

Obviously, it depends on what it is, but usually if it's something subtle, I'll dismiss it and I'll literally forget about what they even did in a couple of weeks from now. Obviously, it depends on what it is. But usually, if it's something subtle, I'll dismiss it. And I'll move on and I'll kind of drop it because I like to let things go. I don't like to carry things with me. And I get over things pretty quickly. So that bit me in the ass later on because I realized that I knew deep down that things were off early on in the dating stages with certain people. Yeah, I continue to say because I would wave the red flags

and I would be like, you know what, it's not that bad, it's really not that bad. And then it would get worse and worse. And eventually I would get sucked into a situation ship or a dating situation of some kind. And I realized that this person was a fraud from the beginning or their intentions weren't good from the beginning. And I was like, damn, I just wasted a few months

of my life justifying their actions when really I knew all along. Red flags can be really subtle and hard to spot too early on because you're swept up in new feelings of liking someone or being super attracted to them. So when you have those infatuation goggles on, you can really ignore them easily. And I'm going to list a few that I ignored

because they weren't completely obvious until later on and maybe some of you can relate. So number one is a big one. This person will excessively shower you with attention and compliments before they even ask you anything about yourself. Meaning, here she's love bombing the shit out of you. It's usually a guy thing. I mean, I don't want to pin this on men, but I'm going to.

So, men will excessively shower you with attention and love bomb you to really get information out of you. When they're asking you a ton of questions and they seem super fascinated and they're so mesmerized and intrigued by you and you're suddenly their dream woman even though they really know nothing deep about you. You didn't get deep yet. You haven't been on 10 dates. You haven't been to his family's house for dinner. Okay. This is on the early stages of dating when you're just getting to know them. And they're excessively texting you paragraphs and essays calling you, FaceTiming you, telling you crazy things like they could see themselves marrying you within the first few dates. They could see themselves spending the rest of their life with you, your their wife, your

the only girl they're seeing. If they're doing this within the first three dates, I would not be so sure about their word. Because honestly, it does take a valuable amount of time to really get to know someone at their core. Yes, can you have a gut feeling and trust that it's going to turn into something amazing? Of course. Every relationship I've actually gotten into, I did have a good feeling about it going into it because we both had a really strong connection. But if this man is excessively showering you with attention and love before even taking you to dinner a couple of times, or before meeting his friends or getting to know people in his life and vice versa,

just proceed with caution. That's all I'm saying. It doesn't mean it's always necessarily not real, but a lot of the times, men embellish things to either sleep with you or to keep you hanging onto them, or to have some sort of leverage or control in the relationship. There was this one guy from London that I dated very briefly. I've dated a lot of British guys

and I just realized that recently all of my episodes about narcissistic people and love bombing were all British men. And I didn't even realize the pattern until I was going through my episodes and thinking about Who I was referring to and I was just living in London for the last month and I was like oh, I wonder what the dating scene Like is here and then I realized that I've dated four guys that were

From the UK so I had a pretty good idea. I had a pretty solid idea of what I was getting myself into Anyways, I don't want to get too off topic, but there was this one guy from the UK I dated very briefly. He was super, super sweet. However, I remember the first date he was holding my hand within like an hour. He was touching my hand, squeezing it, squeezing my arm, looking me dead in the eyes like he was in love with me.

It was a little bit overwhelming for me. I am a Capricorn. I don't do well with emotions on the first date. I am emotional at my core. I think if you understand astrology and you know, the sign of Capricorn, it's like we're really tough on the outside and we have a really hard shell, but then when we really, really love someone,

that guard will come down for sure and we become super soft and emotional. But this was just too much. I cannot do emotions on a first date. For me, it's very all about logic. So it's like, am I gonna like this person? When I go into this date, are we gonna have a good time? Is there a connection?

These are the thoughts that are going through my head. It's not like, oh my God, like, let me just hold hands with him and walk through the city in Lalla land. It's just not how I operate. So keep in mind, we're not close at all. This is the first time I'm hanging out with him and he's holding my hand. Then he was sending me paragraphs and essays about his life and texting me almost too much where I was like, do you have anything better to do with your time? Obviously, I love communication more than anything. I think it's really important to communicate, especially in the early stages of dating

when you're getting to know someone and they're putting in an effort. It's a really good sign. But if you're sending me essays with a thesis and a conclusion and it's like a college essay in a text message. And I have to tap the message because there is an arrow because the message was too long that I couldn't even view the full thing in the screen. That's a problem.

And this man was doing that. I'm not even exaggerating. So it was intense. And I was really confused. It just seemed like way too much. And I was really confused. It just seemed like way too much and I was extremely overwhelmed. But given all of that, even though I knew that was a warning sign, clearly, I have a big heart in the sense of if someone's really kind to me, I still want to give them a

chance because I obviously appreciate kindness and And I'm not gonna reject someone because they're being overly talkative to me. So I was still open-minded to the idea, but it was definitely something that I kept in the back of my head. Like, this is weird, he's typing a lot in his free time. We end up hanging out a couple more times, and every time he would send me more essays

after saying how much he liked me, how he could see a future with me, how he felt a really strong connection to me, and he wanted to keep seeing me. Although it was nice, it was like overbearing. Eventually, the essays became darker. The essays became much darker and weirder. It became more about his mental health struggles, and how he's never opened up to anyone like this before and how he really needed help. And it went from being really flirty to really dark pretty quickly.

And it went from this dating vibe to a weird friendship therapist dynamic where I felt like I was giving him therapy sessions over text message. And I felt bad for him honestly because I obviously cared about his feelings, right? But I ended up trying to distance myself because it was just so overbearing and I felt like a little bit borderline and

appropriate because he's not someone I'm dating seriously, he's not my boyfriend and there was no friendship. It was just kind of like we went on a couple dates and then he was using me as a therapy session. So, I end up trying to slowly distance myself a bit and be respectful, but at the same time I was trying to create my own healthy boundaries for myself. And then he shows up to my apartment wasted after he went out with his friends. He knew where I live because silly me told him what building I lived in when I first met him. And he comes up to my apartment and passes out on top of my bed with his clothes on, wasted. And then that was the last time I really saw him because he slept over that night.

I just slept on my couch. I was kind of baffled by what was going on. I couldn't really process it. I was just in a state of shock. And I was like, this is just way too much for me to handle. I don't know this person. There's basically a stranger just passed out in my bed, fully clothed, wasted from the night before.

And it went from excessive adoration and compliments and love bombing on his end to straight up weird vibes. Obviously, given the nature of the story, you could see how it would be uncomfortable. So the point being, when you're getting to really know someone, just be aware of how they're acting right off the bat. Okay, if you have a little weird feeling about someone and it's the first time, second time,

third time you're hanging out with them, and your gut is telling you something is off, and your intuition is saying something is just not right. Just trust at the first time. Don't do what I did and give people a million chances to try to see the good in them because listen, there was nothing fundamentally wrong with his character as far as being a nice person.

Because it's easy to be nice. And I've said this on many episodes, it's easy for anyone to be kind as a human being. But when someone's unloading and unleashing on you and inviting them upstairs to your apartment wasted and passing out in your bed and crossing all these boundaries emotionally with you when you don't even really know them at all, it's probably not the healthiest situation to be in. So just trust yourself, evaluate the situation, be more logical when you're going into a new

situation dating. Don't have these crazy high expectations for anyone. Take people at face value and take people as you see them right away. Don't justify anything. Okay. Red flag number two. Okay. This is a big one.

He is super, super oddly, weirdly close with his mother. Like, to the point where you feel like they might secretly be in a relationship. I'm kidding, but not really. I just don't want to be competing with your mom. I've dated quite a few guys who had this weird, bizarre relationship dynamic with their mother, where their mom is like, all they talk about. And she becomes this main point of conversation. And she's the decision-maker since he was a baby. And she controls the show. And if you're going to be in his life, you

know that she's going to be a huge part of your relationship and like a third wheel, essentially. And she's just there in the room, even when she's not with you guys. It just feels awkward and uncomfortable. And I've met multiple men who are so obsessed with talking about their mom, saying, a beautiful she is all the time. And I get it. Listen, having a good relationship with your parents is one thing. Having a healthy, solid, good relationship with your family members is amazing.

But, you know, I love my mom. I love my dad. And I spending every waking moment talking about them, making plans with them, going to dinner with them, and prioritizing them over my romantic partners. No, I just, I'm not that type of person. Maybe some people are, and they value their parents over their romantic partners, but I just think that's a little bit creepy.

In my opinion, okay. So if a man is talking an overdrive about his mom all day, calling her while you're together, telling you, you know, he cares so much about her feelings, I'm sorry, that's just a little bit borderline weird. And there's boundaries, okay? When it comes to family, I think there needs to be boundaries when you're in a serious relationship with someone,

especially once you get married. It's one thing to respect your mom and dad, and I get it, and I'm not saying there's anything wrong with having a solid, loving relationship with your mother. But if you're a grown-ass 35-year-old man, and you're still living at home with your mom and she cooks you dinner and rubs your back at night, that is a major problem in my opinion. I dated a guy whose mom used to ask him for back massages. Okay. Like she would come into the room and ask him for a fucking massage. Now, this was a long time ago.

I didn't process how fucking weird that was. I thought that was like normal because I was so much younger and I didn't understand that that was inappropriate. You're giving your mother a back massage. That is just so weird. And I don't even know how I didn't find that weird at the time because I think it just seemed normalized to him. So I was like, oh yeah, it must be normal, like a thing they do in their family. But the thought of me giving my dad a massage,

it's the same thing. It's just fucking creepy and I had this girl tell me a story once where her boyfriend's mom forced them all to go on a vacation and The mom walked on in on her taking a shower in the hotel room and made them share a hotel room like the mom her boyfriend and her So she was just in a hotel room, like the mom, her boyfriend, and her. So she was just in a hotel room with her boyfriend and his mom. And I found that so bizarre and uncomfortable. But she felt so pressure to do it because she didn't want to be on bad terms with a family and she

wanted the mom to like her. And it was this whole thing where she felt like she was cornered essentially into doing it because she wanted to keep the peace with his mother. But I'm like, you couldn't have just gotten your own room. Like even if you wanted to go in vacation with your son and his girlfriend, you couldn't have gotten your own room lady. Like that is just fucking so weird to me. And I think there has to be boundaries in place

if you're dating someone new and they're that close with their mom something's off. Okay, I don't know what it is. It's just bizarre. Number three, a huge red flag to me that I've experienced many times is, he's super unclear about where he stands and makes everything super casual and too casual.

Nothing is a big deal when you bring it up even though it might be serious to you if you ask a significant question. So for example, if you really want clarity around the relationship, if you say, what are we doing and you've been dating for several months and you just want to know where you stand with this person, right? And they give you something like, I don't know, I just want to see where things go and hopefully it could turn into something, but I don't want anything right this second. Huge red flag. Nine times out of 10, it is not going to turn into anything. I'm sorry, there's rare circumstances where it could turn

into something, but I just don't want any of you living in delusion and holding onto false hope and waiting on someone to make a decision about you. Most people know what they want right away. When I meet someone that I really like, I know that I want them. I know that I'm willing to move forward with them and see where the connection goes and hopefully end up in a relationship with them. Women are clear about things like that, usually. Okay, not all the time, but usually. Same thing goes for men. If a man is really, really into you, he's going to make that very clear and obvious right away. And there are circumstances where things take time. I get it. This advice might not apply to every single person on the planet. I do understand that. However, I'm basing this off of my dating experiences and my friends and other people that I know,

just seeing how their man treated them from day one versus the men that didn't really want them right off the bat. So for example, when I was dating a guy that liked me, even though he liked me, it didn't mean he wanted to date me. He was nice to me, respectful. You know, I've had guys take me to nice dinners, pay for everything, treat me well, respect me as a person, but I just knew that they weren't ready to ever see me as like a potential girlfriend candidate.

Like you could just tell, it's just the energy, the way they talk to you, the amount of effort they're putting in, it's pretty obvious. And going through many of those experiences, it's very clear to me now. That's why when I go into a new situation now, I am so direct about what I'm looking for. And I don't give a fuck if you're not looking for the same

thing, I'll just weed you out and we'll be done and we don't have to waste any time. It's so much easier to live in your truth and speak your truth and live authentically like that versus like, oh, what are we doing? I'm not sure where we stand. It's been six months. I don't really know. It's very confusing. It's up and down. They say they're not ready for a relationship, but they really like me. They want to see where things go. No. Okay, it's usually black and white and pretty simple. And for me, I need answers. I'm not going to waste six months of my life to ciphering your messages, deciphering what your brain is thinking. It's just not going to cut up for me because I'm older, I'm wiser, and I've been down that road before

and it never ended up anywhere productive. So just be aware of that if you're looking for something serious and you've been with someone for several months. I'm not talking about the first couple of weeks. I'm talking about like a couple of months and they're just still not being directed with you. Very unclear. You're not sure if they're dating other people still.

Just be aware of these things because nine times out of ten, they're just looking to keep you there, but they're not looking to date you. And if you are looking to be serious with them, you got to speak your truth. Don't be afraid to lose someone. Don't be afraid to walk away from someone. If you want something and they're not on the same page.

Don't be afraid to cut it off because you're never going to get what you want to add to that person regardless. So why would you waste a year of your life? Why would you waste two years of your life? Cut it off sooner than later so you can actually meet the person that you're meant to be with. Number four, huge red flag. And I've fallen for this trap before.

And this is something that my ex told me about. And I was like, wait, oh my God. And I had an epiphany that a guy has done this to me before, it was really funny. If a guy says he's working late hours, and he only has time to hang out between the hours of like nine and 11 p.m. and he is super busy and has a packed schedule.

And can't even make time to like make a proper plan at a normal hour, which is like six, seven, eight. This is especially in the early stages of dating. Guys will do this and say that they have a crazy late work schedule and then hang out with you late hours. They don't have to spend as much time with you and they can kick you out as soon as possible. My ex used to tell me he would invite girls over late at night so he didn't have to hang out with them for a very long period of time and then he'd make up an excuse like,

oh, I have to, you know, I work until 9 p.m. and then I'm so exhausted and you gotta go home because I have to wake up early and, you know, do it all over again. And these women would come over for a couple hours late and he'd have sex with them and then kick them out, very politely. And he was so sweet about it.

He's like, I never came off as disrespectful, but I would just tell them, I'm really busy and I have a crazy work schedule and they believed me, but I just really just didn't wanna spend that much time with them. I'm like, okay, you're going to hell. That's fucking mean and terrible. But also, it's like looking back

because I've also fallen for that trap before where a guy has told me things like that and I've went to his apartment late at night didn't spend that much time with him. I realized that it's so obvious when you pull yourself out of the situation and someone else is telling it to you. Like, when my ex was explaining that to me,

I was like, that makes perfect sense. That is something that a lot of women would easily fall for. So that's a red flag, okay? If he's not making proper dinner plans, if you're not going out earlier in the night, obviously going to a nice dinner 7.30 PM,m. 8.30 p.m. fine. But if he's just inviting you over for a quick hook-up sush, laid into the night, and then kicks you out, or says he doesn't want you there,

or you just excuse yourself out. Whatever it is, just be wary of that. That's not really relationship material. Red flag number five. Everyone is ready to date if it's the right person. I really do believe this. Okay. Everyone will be ready to date if they met the love of their life. If you dropped your soulmate right in front of you right now and you were going through a hard time, let's just say your cat died, you lost your job, you're going through a rough patch.

If the love of your life, if someone you have this deep, soulful, insane intense connection with was dropped right in front of you, would you deny that? Would you deny yourself of that connection and be like, yeah, you know what? I'm not in a really good place to date right now. So maybe in a year or two from now when I have other pieces of my life together.

No, no, you're not gonna pass up the connection and the opportunity if it's right in front of you because if it's there and you feel it and you feel how intense it is, you're not just going to be able to pull yourself away from it and go do other things with your time and way to year or two, okay? Feelings overpower everything. When it comes to love, love is the strongest energy in the world. And I know this from personal experience meeting multiple soulmates in my life, especially my last relationship, it was something that I could not run away from if I tried because it was just too powerful. The connection was way too strong to deny it. And I'm going to get into that entire story in this

episode as well because it's a crazy story. But you're not going to deny yourself of your soulmate. Okay, so if someone's telling you the timing is bad, I'm stressed, we need to grow, we need to change his people, I need to work on myself, you know, I'm going through really hard time. I don't have time to be in a relationship, but it could happen in the future. I just don't buy it. I don't have time to be in a relationship, but it could happen in the future. I just don't buy it. I don't buy it. I don't think it's the honest, honest, honest, clear truth.

I do believe that timing sometimes can be often relationships and at the right time, if two people need to work on themselves and grow and come back together, that's fine. But if someone's been throwing excuses at you from day one and you've just been letting it all happen and waiting on them and waiting on them, my point is not to wait, okay?

Regardless of what they're going through, just don't wait around. Don't have these crazy expectations about them. Don't fantasize about the potential of the relationship. Take it at face value for what it is and what they're saying. And if it works out in the future, great, but don't hold up your life for this person.

Put yourself out there for someone else because if this person isn't going to be ready for you, and then you waste another three years of your life holding on waiting around for them, you're going to regret it if it doesn't work out. And you might as well live your life, put yourself first, date yourself instead, do whatever you need to do to prioritize your needs. And if the timing's right later on and you're supposed to be together, it'll work out. But if someone's telling you things like that, I don't know, red flag to me. So in the next part of this episode, I am going to talk a little bit about my last relationship

because I really do value the relationship more than anything. It was such a big key part of my growth as a woman. But there was a major red flag from day one. And I literally said to this man, the day I met him, we cannot date because your family is super religious. And so are you. And I don't see how that would ever work because I'm not. I'm like this free spirit bird just floating around. I wasn't raised super

religious. I was raised Catholic, but I don't go to church. I just do whatever the fuck I want, essentially. And I have good values, you know, I have good morals and good values, in my opinion. But, you know, I'm just not super religious. I'm not fixated on one particular religion. I'm very fascinated by religion, but I wouldn't label myself as anything. But when you come from a really religious background, you see the world so differently, and it's not a good or bad thing. It's just, it is what it is. Okay, you can't control the way that you grew up or where you were born into. It's not really your choice. So, he grew up in a very religious environment where you're not

allowed to marry anyone outside of the religious faith. And it's like a community essentially. So anyone that's not really a part of that community isn't exactly welcome into the community because you need to be a part of it and born into it almost. And listen, I respect it. I do. And that's why I always hesitate even talking about this situation because I don't want to step on anyone's toes or offend anyone or say, you know, religion is bad because I don't believe that. I do believe there's so much beauty to religion in general. But when it comes to being in a romantic relationship with someone who comes from that

world and you're coming from a completely opposite world, it can obviously cause a lot of problems. And for me, it was like for bit and territory. And for him, it was for bit and territory, but the connection was so insanely strong. It was so strong. There was nothing I could do to control myself from wanting to spend time with him and he felt the same exact way. So what do you do in a situation like this?

We were in love with each other from the day we met pretty much. Like the connection was just undeniably strong. It felt super-carmic. It felt like we had been married before in previous lifetimes. And we couldn't stop it. It was like seeing an accident happening right before your eyes and you just can't

look away and you know that it's bad, but you still just stick around because I don't know. Like some crazy universal force is just pulling you back together like magnets and you almost feel like you have no control over it. So in the beginning of the relationship, I just saw this as a major red flag, obviously. It was pretty fucking clear, okay, that it was going to cause a lot of drama. And the connection just kept me there because I loved him so much and he felt the same way and he treated me so well. So there was nothing else that was fundamentally wrong here.

It was just the religion. So there was this wedge in between our relationship the whole time. So in the beginning, when we really, when we really started to get to know each other, I told him, I'm like, listen, this is not going to work. We're not going to be able to today. It's a terrible idea. We should not be hanging out and we should cut it off right now. And he was like, I don't think it's a

bad idea. And I'm like, I think it's a terrible idea. I think it's the worst idea possible because we're going to get ourselves in a situation where we can't be together and we're going to cause ourselves so much pain and drama and heartbreak. And he was like, we're going to figure it out. We're going to figure it out. He kept saying we're going to figure it out. And he was so optimistic about figuring itbreak. And he was like, we're gonna figure it out. We're gonna figure it out. He kept saying we're gonna figure it out. And he was so optimistic about figuring it out. And he's such an optimistic person, and he's such a good person. And I believed him.

He made me believe in the power of love and wanting to figure it out regardless of the circumstances. So I moved forward with the relationship. Because if you have the man taking control of everything and saying everything's going to work out and be fine, you want to believe that everything's going to be fine. And he convinced me into everything being okay. And there was a part of him that calmed me down when it came to thinking about the worst

case scenarios. But I was right the whole time technically. The red flag was there, and I just chose to willfully ignore it because love overpowered everything. That is why I truly empathize with people when they message me and say, yeah, I can't find anyone that I have the same connection with as my ex, or, you know, I'm never going to feel this way again. I empathize with you. But what I have to say about is this, maybe you won't find the same exact connection, or the amount of passion or love that you had for a specific person that was in your life, but you will be more at peace and find someone that can bring you ultimate peace and more stability, because otherwise you're going to be sobbing your eyes out on an up and down roller coaster

for the rest of your life, and that's just not worth it. That's gonna traumatize you indefinitely. And I put myself in that position for so long so I could speak on it. For three years, I was sobbing my eyes out almost every day. And it was so traumatizing. And yes, I created this beautiful podcast and it gave me so much meaning and purpose and I don't regret anything that I went through but at the same time

The amount of tears I cried over the last few years could have filled In ocean, okay bath tubs buckets it was just not fun and I just didn't want to live that way anymore in pain, because love and pain are so intertwined if the love isn't right or if it's not working. And this situation is so unique and I didn't really ever want to fully speak on it

because it's just, it's one of those situations that I'm like, it's hard for me to like process still to this day because I couldn't imagine anyone understanding what I went through. But I know there's definitely people who have been through this. So if you have been through something similar like this regarding religion, please DM me. I would love to hear your story, but it's kind of niche. It's like very different and unusual. And every time I've explained the story to people,

their mouths are like dropped open. They're like, I don't even know what to tell you here because if the relationship fundamentally was really good and you are so in love with each other, it's hard to give advice because it's just a fucking shitty situation kind of out of your control. It taught me a lot about detachment and letting go of control and trying not to change the circumstances

even though you want to so badly. I became a master of fucking detachment after the situation. The beauty is that I can help other people with that and help myself for future situations because now nothing affects me to any extreme. I'm very calm when it comes to dating. I'm very sure of myself. I have very clear boundaries of what I want, what I'm looking for, and how I deserve to be treated. And it taught me a lot. At the same time, is there a part of me that wishes I could run back and, you know, try to work it out with this person? Of course. To tie it into the topic of the episode, the red flag was always there. Sometimes it's just really hard to walk away, even though you see it happening and see it destroying you.

The moral of the story here is, one of the biggest red flags I didn't realize until this relationship. Something I never really thought of as important previously is if a relationship is making you compromise pieces of who you are, making you compromise your identity and your true values, making you are forcing you to change parts of yourself, even if you already love yourself and you're fine with who you are,

it's actually having to be put in a situation where you have to change yourself so fundamentally, so early on, it can apply to anything. This isn't like a religion thing. It could literally apply to any part of your character. If you're forced to change, that's not a good sign. If your partner is trying to manipulate you and change you right off the bat, criticize you, start pointing out your flaws, It could seem like it's out of love

or for your best interest or they might say, you know, I'm only trying to help you become better. But the truth is, if this is a constant thing of them picking you apart and trying to make you different, that means they're not truly accepting of who you are right now. And love and acceptance go hand in hand together from my perspective.

I'll give you another example. I was dating a guy a really long time ago who I was in a relationship with and he would criticize every little thing that I did in my life, like everything. The way I would dress, if I did my hair make up that day, the way I talked, my weight, the way I acted in front of people, he would criticize and tear apart everything about my character. And he would say, you know what's out of love, I'm just trying to improve you. I'm like, who are you to try to improve me though? Maybe that is the way he grew up and how he dealt with feeling some sort of control in his life. But for me, it just felt like I was never good enough. And I noticed it right away within a few weeks of knowing him, but I ignored it because there were other really great parts of the relationship and fun parts of

the relationship and I really did like him, but there was this one piece that was just bothering me and it brought me down and discouraged me and my brother gave me a pep talk before I got into a relationship with this person and he's like, listen, I know you like him and I know you guys have fun together, but at the same time, that piece of him is never going to go away. And if you're already bothered by it now, it's just going to get worse. He's not changing that piece of himself for you. So I would bring it up to him and kind of tell him how I felt. And he was like, oh, I'll change, I'll be better. I won't try, I'll try not to do that. But it never changed.

And we dated for a really long time. And listen, we're fine. Like I wish them all the best. But that was a huge piece of me in the relationship that made me feel super insecure. And it just made me feel unattractive and unappreciated. And like he didn't see my worth. And that red flag was always there from day one.

But I continue to ignore it because I justified it and I wanted it to change. And I thought he could be better and I thought the potential of the relationship was there. Once again, I don't regret dating him, but it was a problem. And maybe some other people can handle it. but for me, I couldn't handle it. And I was shown that very early on, yet I continue to ignore it.

And that was one of the biggest reasons I think we didn't work out to be completely honest. And listen, there's so much more I could talk to on the subject of seeing the red flags right away. And just understanding that the problems in the issues and the small little things that are cute that you see in the beginning of a relationship with someone are the reasons you're gonna fight a lot or break up later. I could talk about this forever, maybe I'll make a part two, but those are just some of many. Maybe I'll make a part two, but those are just some of many. I know everyone has their own versions of red flags and things that they've dealt with and experienced. I would love to hear your story. Always DM me on Instagram, Atlas, or on the podcast account.

At date yourself instead. By the way, we just topped the Spotify charts this morning. I woke up to number six in the US. I am crying. Like I was shaking because nine months ago, I released state yourself instead and I was going through a really serious depression prior to that.

And honestly, I didn't even want to put out the podcast at all. I thought it was gonna have one listener and it was gonna be me and my mom. And I was not really motivated at all whatsoever and I did not have any sort of game plan. And now we're number six. So thank you. I love you so, so much.

I appreciate all the love and support on the podcast and all the messages I get on Instagram all day long. They make my day. I love you. If you haven't, be sure to rate the pod on Apple and Spotify. And yeah, stay tuned for next Monday.