Date Yourself Instead - They were a divine lesson.

Episode Date: October 30, 2025

RELATED SUBSTACK ARTICLE - https://lyssboss.substack.com/p/id-take-him-back-again-if-it-meantDETACHMENT MASTERCLASS - https://stan.store/lyssboss/p/daretodetachGoing backwards is necessary to move forwards Let’s be real — sometimes, you have to go back just to finally walk away for good.In this episode, I open up about the relationship that broke me open — the one that made me start my podcast. I used to think going back meant I was weak. But now I know it was part of my divine plan. That heartbreak forced me to meet myself, build everything I have now, and become the woman I was meant to be.If you’ve ever blamed yourself for going back, this will change how you see it. You’ll learn why the “wrong” person was actually your biggest teacher!! :)And if you’re ready to finally detach and reclaim your power — my Substack article and masterclass Dare to Detach are both live. Trust me, this is the moment you start choosing you.

There are moments in life where you look back at a relationship and you look back at someone and you see how badly they affected you and you see how much they literally destroyed you and broke your heart, but then you realize that you would still do it all again. And I wrote an episode on my stuff stack recently. You can see the link in my YouTube description. I've been really getting into writing lately and this article talks about the concept of taking someone back and going back to an old relationship or a toxic X and realizing that it's not because you're weak

that you're caving in and going backwards and trying a relationship again. It's because you still have lessons to learn and that's just a part of your divine plan and your divine destiny in this lifetime. I'm a huge believer in everything really does happen for a reason and every single person in relationship that you experience in this lifetime

is here to teach you something extremely valuable. I've been in a lot of different situations. with people and romantic flings and long-term relationships that at the time I didn't understand why I had to go through the pain, why I had to go through the heartbreak, why I had to experience someone that didn't treat me right when I knew I had the best intentions and the most amazing heart. I've come to understand that the version of you that you've experienced after that heartbreak, after that loss of a person that you really loved, is the doorway to your awakening, is the doorway to your spiritual growth and they are the catalyst for you to make massive changes in your life and

you needed that person most likely in order to face your shadow side and truly do the inner work and heal on such a fundamental level that you're never going to go through the same type of pain again you're never going to repeat the same situation twice you will end up taking the lessons you learn from that one person that destroyed you and ultimately be better and do better for the next time and then be able to teach other people not to make the same mistakes you did, which is really how I started my whole podcast and my brand in the first place. For those of you who know me from Spotify or you know me from podcasting, I had a podcast for the last three years called Date Yourself Instead.

Date Yourself Instead was born out of one of the hardest relationships I had ever gone through. It was a four year long on and off relationship with a man that was not being honest to say the least in the nicest way possible throughout the course of the relationship and i only found out after the four years we were together and there was a lot of other context involved in that situation thank you if you told me two years ago even that i would be thanking that man one day and blessing him and wishing him the best i would have been like f that to be completely transparent i would have been like no okay i'm going to be upset about this and i'm going to be bitter about this because he he betrayed me

You know, of course the initial human reaction when someone doesn't do right by you and does you dirty, you're like, F that, like that person doesn't deserve happiness in his life. But the truth is, everyone is here to teach us something in this lifetime. Sometimes it's karmic. Sometimes it's just something we need to go through to learn more about ourselves. When you reframe it like that and you truly understand that there is meaning and purpose behind it, and that person is here to catapult you to the next level of your life and grow and become, and even more incredible amazing human being, that's the best way you can deal with it.

Here I am in Bali now after going through that a couple of years ago, I took time to heal, I moved out of New York to clear my head for a while. I took all the possible necessary steps I needed to in order to feel better and to get my mind in a good place. Now I know and now I understand if I hadn't gone through all of that, I wouldn't be the woman I am today and I wouldn't be here speaking about it, I wouldn't be here helping other women and I wouldn't be who I am. I think all of my relationships and all of the people I've met in my life in general have a really shaped person that I am today because we learn through our relationships. We learn through our mistakes. We learn through the lessons.

That was one of the biggest lessons I had to learn. Being with someone who was deceitful. And that's okay because to someone else, he might not have been that way. But for me, he had to be that way in order for me to get to the next level of my life. By the way, the solid orange juice in the morning with an oat milk flat white, it's an elite, combination to wake you up, to get the creative momentum flowing. It's so good. I have it every single morning. Okay. So oftentimes when we go back to an ex, people will instantly judge us. Our friends will think we're absolutely delusional. Our parents will be really disappointed in us. That's what happened to me. I took my ex back multiple times on multiple occasions because he would send me essays and paragraphs telling me how sorry he was and how much he missed me, which is, you know,

classic textbook behavior after someone realizes they've lost you. And it always happens when you're in the midst of feeling good again. And when you start to feel good again, people sense it because everything is energy, right? We're all connected by an energetic thread. And people literally fucking know when you're starting to do good and do better for yourself. He would message me these essays, which now I'm thinking were written with chat GPT. To be completely transparent. I wasn't using AI at the time.

I didn't know what Chad GPT was at the time, but he did, and he would always talk about it. And looking back, I'm like, oh my God, these essays were like Chat GPT crafted, and I had no idea. But he would send me these essays begging for me back. And I would cave eventually, not right away, but eventually over time, my heart started to soften again, and I would start to open my heart up again to him.

And oftentimes people around you that know you really well, they just want the best for you, right? And they just want you to be happy. When they see it from an objective standpoint, of course they're going to try to step in and tell you you're crazy, don't take this person back, this isn't healthy, this isn't right for you. And you may feel in the moment like you're weak if you cave in and you're stupid and foolish if you trust this person again. But what other people don't understand and what I understand now, because also being on the outside and seeing things objectively and also doing this for work where I'm helping other people detach and let go from their relationships, you're not going. to leave until you're ready to leave okay you could get the best advice from the best therapist in the world the best psychiatrist in the world you could literally do every healing

course every detachment masterclass you want by the way i have a detachment masterclass if you want that the link is in my description as well you could take everything you could do everything you could invest in as many healing tools as you can and you could have the most amazing counselor basically telling you don't go back but the heart wants what it wants as selina gomez says going to quote it right now, the heart wants what it wants. And when you're blinded by love and you love someone, you're going to just do what you want even if you know it's wrong. Even if you know this person isn't the love of your life and you're not going to get married, or maybe you do think that at the time, whatever it is, you're going to do what you want regardless of anyone else's

opinion or regardless of the advice they give you. That's just how it is when you're so deep into a relationship. Even if you know it's not good for you, even if logically you know that it's not the best idea. You're still going to go back until you learn the lesson the hard way. Every cell in my body knew that this man wasn't my husband. Another reason I knew that was my intuition that I was ignoring. My intuition from the beginning was saying something was off. And I ignored that because he was really good with his words. There's something so intoxicating about familiarity. When you're already familiar with someone's patterns, you're already familiar with the habits and routines you had with them. You slept in bed with them every night. You were cuddling with them every night. You

immersed yourself in their energy and it got comfortable and familiar and sometimes that feeling is more addicting to go back to and to run back to instead of taking a leap of faith and moving on and trying something new and leaping into the unknown because when we're going through the midst of a breakup and there's no one else there that void is really scary and that can create fear and when we're living in fear mode it's easier to go back to what's comfortable so when you let someone back in that betrayed you that hurt you, whatever it is. I want you to reframe it and say there's obviously a lesson I still need to learn here. There are exceptions to this. I will say if it's dangerous, if it's a dangerous situation and they're physically harming you or whatever, this advice does

not apply. This video does not apply to you. So please, like if it's a dangerous situation, there has to be some sort of intervention. You never want to put your life in actual danger. But if you feel like this person is a carmic soulmate twin flame and you're there to learn more about yourself, there's a high probability that's true. And it's not always healthy from a mental health standpoint either, but I just know from personal experience, if I hadn't gone back multiple times to my ex, I think I always would have been lingering in his energy long term. Longer term, I think I would have had more trouble getting over it. But the last time that we ever spoke, I was like, done, done, cutthroat, it's done, never speak to me again. And I moved on

with a clean slate and clean energy from the relationship knowing there was no fucking way I would ever go back, not only because I tried multiple times, but because he crossed so many boundaries with me to the point where I realized that there was no other option but to move on. And sometimes we just need that slap in the face. Sometimes we just need that kick in the butt to really grasp it and to really understand the lesson that was there for us all along, which is you deserve better, you deserve more. You're worthy of the most abundant, healthy, beautiful relationship. And you know you're never going to let yourself be treated like that or put in a position like that ever again. And the universe really does have a funny way of circling back the same lessons over and over again

when it feels like we haven't completely learned them. And I think that's also why people come back into our life. It's sometimes not because it's destined in the stars that you're supposed to end up with them. But it's supposed to show you if you learn the lesson or not. It's supposed to demonstrate to you how far you've come in your healing journey. There have been people from like five, six years ago that I've dated that have loved. that have recently come back into my energetic space and I'm friendly I'm like oh my god nice to hear from you whatever like it's nice but I know that they're not a part of my future at all whatsoever and it's more just checkpoints to see how far I've come it's more like these little universal tests and checkpoints to see how far I've come in my growth recently I bumped into a guy I hadn't seen in like six years it was really interesting because I met him in New York and we recently bumped into each other again in London and it was so unexpected and so what it was like in the most random place and we like we're like oh my god and we hugged and it was all

good and it was good vibes and good energy but after that interaction it had me thinking about the person I was when I had met him and how far I've come in my development as a human being and as a woman and how different my life was presently in comparison to what it was when I knew him and it was just so interesting because once again it was almost like a checkpoint to show me how much I've learned how far I've come. Seeing him was a divine reminder of how far I've come in my life. And also a reminder that if you have a connection with someone, I don't think that ever really goes away, even if they're wrong for you, right? Me and that person ultimately decided we were not compatible and we drifted apart. But seeing him again was actually really

nice and it was refreshing because I was like, you know what? It's also showing me the power of connection. You can have a connection with someone, but it doesn't mean that you have to necessarily pursue it or chase after it all the time. It doesn't mean that you have to force something that's not a part of your future timeline because you're going to have a lot of connections with different people and some of them might be stronger than others. Some of them might be really faded and beautiful and you really have feelings for that person. But it doesn't mean they're endgame, okay? It doesn't mean that you should always just pursue it because they're right in front of you. Now that's another hard lesson I've had to learn. This idea of feeling like you

are obligated to hold on to people just because you feel a spark. Because when you feel that initial spark and you feel like you get along with someone, it can be really exciting and intriguing and you're like, oh my God, are they going to be my person? Are they going to be the love of my life? And you paint this whimsical fantasy of you two getting married after three dates because you have that connection. I've done it before.

That's why I'm speaking about it. But as I've matured and I've been able to think more objectively and a little bit more rationally because I've been through so much in my life, with my romantic relationships. I've come to accept that sometimes people are just there for chapters. Sometimes people are just there for chapters. They're not supposed to be your end game. They're not supposed to be the fairy tale ending person, but they're supposed to teach you something or they're supposed to be there as a stepping stone as you're learning more about yourself and as you're growing and as you're evolving as a person. You don't have to put so much

pressure on the end result of a connection. That's basically what I'm trying to get at because I think it's really easy if you feel a spark with someone to start putting pressure on what is this where is it going what's going to happen next are we going to end up together are we going to get married it's so easy to have your mind put unnecessary pressure on the connection and something I've really come to understand is that you don't always need a definitive when you're getting to know someone in the beginning stages okay you're just getting to know someone you feel a spark You feel like something's there and there's potential. Just ease into it.

Relax. You don't have to always know every single answer. Part of the beauty and magic of life is going with the flow. That's what Abraham Hicks always preaches, okay? Because the second you start putting labels on things really fast, defining what it is, making sure this person isn't seeing anyone else within the first month of talking to them, you're creating unnecessary blocks and barriers for yourself. You're putting unnecessary pressure on a connection.

When in reality, the best connections come. when you're not forcing it, when you're not begging for it, when you're not desperately seeking it. If something is meant to be with a person, it'll be. It'll be regardless if you're trying to force it or not. If you're sitting back and you're just trusting, it's a way better feeling and it's a way more fun experience than getting so wrapped up in the idea of, is this my forever person? Is this person supposed to be in my life? Like, who is this person? There was another thing I recently experienced with a guy where it was kind of in a gray area where I met him and we had such an amazing connection and I had no idea of what it was.

It was just like we felt good around each other. We liked hanging out with each other. We were speaking consistently. But I was like, what is this? And I started over-analizing it because I tend to overthink a lot. And then I did a little reflecting. And then I was traveling for a bit

so it helped me kind of take a more objective standpoint and take a little space from it. And I was like, I don't think I need to know. I don't think I need to know the answers because I'm happy. The key is if you're happy, right? If you're enjoying the moment and the present, there's no need to put unnecessary pressure on a connection.

Now, I'm speaking about new connections. If you've been seeing someone for months and months and they're like, oh, I don't know, I don't know. That's a different story. Because if you know what you want and you're clear on what you want in a relationship, you deserve that. But I think the best things evolve without that pressure.

Usually, the relationships I ended up getting into were the relationships where I didn't really care that much. Because I was detached and I was in my flow I was in alignment and I was really just enjoying the moment and that's the most beautiful thing. Tying this back into the whole point of this video which is about going back to someone and avoiding the shame of that feeling. It can be tricky especially if it's not the first time you went back and I get it but give yourself grace during this journey of your life during this chapter of your life okay if you know you need to move on it's time to move on but don't put pressure on that

time frame. Don't put pressure on yourself to be like, if I don't leave today at 2 p.m., my whole future is going to shit, my whole life is ruined, and I'm going to be a failure, and everyone's going to judge me, and everyone's going to think I'm weak. Don't put pressure on the divine timing of your decisions and what you choose to do with your future and your relationship life, okay? This is your journey. This is your journey of lessons and growth of healing. You deserve to give yourself grace, because when you're in a toxic cycle with someone especially, and you're in the cycle of like on off on off or you're like I know I deserve better but I love them and I'm so attached and I don't know what I would do without them everyone's been there okay it's a normal

human experience everyone has had that one person that had a little bit of an energetic choke hold on them let's be real let's be honest here it's really hard to leave it's really hard to leave and I think there's so much pressure on social media nowadays with like the healing community everyone's like oh you need to detach right now if you don't detach right now like you're weak it's not true you're not weak okay you're living your path, you're living your journey. And maybe there's just some lessons and valuable, insightful, beautiful lessons that you need to take away from this current relationship that you're in. And that's okay. And when you accept that as your truth and you're like, you know what? There's something I need

to learn here. It actually makes it way easier to walk away because you're not putting pressure on yourself to leave. You're starting to honor your higher truth and you're starting to see your higher self as someone that you want to protect, that you need to be gentle with, that you need to be loving with. And that's just such a beautiful feeling when you suddenly realize that, you know what, I know I deserve better and I'm going to leave eventually when the time is right for me. I know I will. But if I don't leave today, that's okay too. I wrote this on my substack blog and I want to share it with you. You could go to the link in my YouTube description to read the full article about this. The article is called, I had taken back again if it meant

learning more about myself. Sometimes you have to repeat a cycle to realize you're no longer trapped in it. You go back not because you want the person, but because your soul wants closure in a way your mind could not grasp yet. When you finally get it, when you finally feel ready in your divine timing, walking away doesn't feel like ripping yourself apart. It feels like freedom that's been quietly waiting for you to catch up. I love this quote. Sometimes God will use the wrong people to get you to the right place. I think that's one of my favorite quotes ever. Sometimes God will use the wrong people to get you to the right place, which kind of makes them the right person at that moment in time. There may be people that betray you, that hurt you, that bring you down,

that break your heart, but they will lead you to your spiritual destiny. They will lead you to your higher purpose, to your calling, without all of the relationship failures, if you want to call it failures, in my life, I wouldn't have all the knowledge under my belt that I have today. I wouldn't be as strong as I am today. My heart is in a really strong place. I'm more grounded than I've ever been because I know my worth now and I know my power and I had to learn the concept of self-love without needing someone else to validate me without needing someone else constantly by my side to validate that I was worthy of love because I had a codependency issue and I always thought that I needed someone to tell me how amazing I was all the time but when I realized I

could just wake up and tell myself how amazing I am and love myself and enjoy my own company And I learned how to really date myself instead. The world really just changed for me. Everything changed for me. You become so radiant and magnetic and everything starts falling into place when you master these lessons. Sometimes these lessons come out of those people

that were wrong for you. So life is beautiful and life is a journey and I just want to make this video to one tell you that it's okay to go backwards sometimes in order to propel 10 steps forward and also to just give yourself grace and understand how incredible you are and amazing you are and strong you are and just because you may have gone back to someone that didn't treat you right it doesn't make you weak doesn't make you a bad person or any less strong and when you finally get yourself out of the cycle

and when you finally understand how worthy you are of the most divine amazing love you'll realize that it was never ever ever about getting them back in the first place it was always about getting you back. I hope this can help you guys if you're currently going through a situation where you're struggling to get out of a relationship or you just needed some words of wisdom this morning, I've got you. I love making these videos. It's been really, really amazing to do it and I just feel so excited to create more. If you guys are loving the YouTube, let me know if you guys are loving the videos and this format style videos. Leave a comment on Spotify as well as on my YouTube, subscribe to the YouTube channel. There's going to be tons of more video content coming. Share this with a friend if you think it would be helpful to them,

if you think it would resonate. And also be sure to check out my masterclass. Dare to Detach, the link is in the show notes and in the YouTube description as well. I love you. Have an amazing day and stay tuned for future videos.