Date Yourself Instead - Why going no contact WORKS.

Episode Date: January 1, 2024

GOING NO CONTACT IS THE MOVE IN 2024. It is a PRIVILEGE to have access to you and your energy. JOIN THE DARE TO DETACH MASTERCLASS Are you tired of constantly holding onto what or WHO isn't good for you? Are you feeling stuck and discouraged because you KNOW your higher self is calling for a massive upgrade? Are you ready to become a new, more powerful, more fearless, more unstoppable YOU? Let’s do this. It is TIME to uplevel into the most amazing version of you. MY DARE TO DETACH masterclass is designed to help you let go and set yourself free so you can UPGRADE YOUR LIFE baby. THERE'S NO MORE TIME TO WASTE.

Before I dive into today's episode, I want to talk about my master class, Dare to Detach. You've seen it all over Instagram, you've seen the feedback, picture this, okay? You want to manifest a brand new career for yourself, and just a week later, you receive your dream job offer. Your ex calls you after six months, because he wants to get back together, but you're already so healed and over it, it doesn't even matter anymore. You are so neutral and so free and completely in alignment that it doesn't matter who calls you or who wants you

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the priority of your own life. You get four days of videos, detailed workshops, reading materials, writing exercises, meditations, and so much more. Remember to use code self-love at checkout for $20 off the masterclass this holiday season. Remember to use code self-love. I love you. I'm so excited for you to join us. I cannot wait. This is going to be the best fucking year of our lives. And our community is truly amazing. This is the most amazing self-care investment for you. And I cannot wait for you to join us. You can find all the details in the show notes

or you can go on my Instagram at day yourself instead for all of the details and for the website to the master class. I cannot wait for you to join us and let's dive into today's episode. Now I'm going to tell you why no contact is such a bold power move. It's the elite move, okay? Let me tell you a true story that happened literally just a few weeks ago. I was in London and this guy had been asking to make a plan with me for the entire week. He had DM me multiple times and was asking me if I was free on Friday. He kept saying he wanted to see me on Friday, that he was free, he wanted to make a plan for us,

and I was just hesitating from the get-go. I don't know what it was, maybe it was my intuition because my intuition is very powerful, but I was on the fence. I wasn't sure if I wanted to make plans with him. I didn't know him, I've never met him before. And he was DMing me, just found my Instagram account, probably knows about my podcast date yourself instead. And from the few photos that I saw on his Instagram account,

he looked decent, like he looked somewhat attractive, but at the same time, I was just like, I don't know, I don't really know anything about this guy. This is a stranger. I usually do not meet up with people from social media. That is a very out of character for me to do that, especially if they know about my brand and my work and what I do. It's a risk that I would be taking

because I'm not really sure what their intentions actually are. I've met up with people before, I've spoken to people before, I guess you could say, that have tried to play it cool as if they didn't know who I was, and it was so awkward because I was like, okay, clearly you know that I do social media for a living, you've seen my videos,

you've seen me talk about dating, and they weren't being honest with me, and that's my biggest pet peeve. If someone plays it too cool, where they're like pretending they don't know who I am, I'd rather you just say, hey, I follow you. But this guy, I don't know, I feel like just something about the whole situation was really strange.

And I was in a different country and London to me is just like, it's one of those places where I feel almost like I'm willing to take more risks because it's a different environment for me and it's a brand new city and it's something that for me when I travel and especially if I travel solo I like to say yes to more opportunities than usual than when I'm back in New York. Eventually Friday comes along and I agree to the plan and he's like, okay, great. I'm still free. Let's do this. I'm gonna book dinner for us. And then he makes a comment about how he needs to make a reservation because he's not social media famous and he can't have access to anything he wants, like making a joke as if, for some reason, he thinks if I walk into a restaurant, I'm just gonna get a table, which is not how life works, and I was like, okay, ha ha, not really funny, but whatever dude.

That was another thing where my gut was like, okay, he's making more comments about my status and my social media, and I don't really like that. It's a huge turn off to me right off the bat, where someone's making commentary on how many followers I have essentially, and making comments about my status. Huge red flag. So I literally almost canceled before the date, but I decided to just push through it, and I was like, you know what?

I'm leaving London soon. Worst case scenario, it just doesn't go as planned, and I could always just back out of the day and never see this person again. The other thing I almost forgot to mention is he was sending me voice notes. And if there's one thing about me, if I don't know someone in person and they're sending me voice notes before I meet them, that's actually really important to me because it's nice to hear someone's voice and their energy and how they come off and speak to you prior to meeting them. I think sending voice notes and maybe even a caller face time is such an easy way to weed out people without having to meet them in person if you're using dating apps or social media or whatever it is.

You don't have to go on the date if you don't like someone's energy just by hearing their voice or talking them on talking to them on FaceTime and I think that's a huge easy way to not waste your time and not go on the date if something feels off. He sends me a few voice notes and I didn't like his voice. I didn't like the way he was talking to me. It sounded like he just wanted some sort of ego-booster validation that I was even replying to him over the direct messaging. And I'm saying this because in the first voice note, he sent me, he said something along the lines of, I just want to see what you're about and I really am inspired by what you're doing and your career essentially. Like he kept bringing up this idea of who I was. Like I was some sort of celebrity that he was interacting with. And he was like, I'm just so intrigued by what you do. Like being intrigued by what I do is different than getting to know me.

And I think just by the way he worded that, I was like, okay, this man thinks he's cool that he's even messaging me and I'm replying and it was giving me the biggest fucking it. I'm like, this is weird. I don't know. Something about this feels off. But then again, I always say and my biggest thing is if you want to leave a situation and you're not happy, you can always leave. You always have the option to leave.

It doesn't matter if it's a date. It doesn't matter if it's a social event. It doesn't matter if it's a date, it doesn't matter if it's a social event, it doesn't matter if it's a party. If you're in an environment where you feel uncomfortable, you could always make an excuse to just leave. And that was my mentality going into it. So I already had these little weird intuitive feelings where I was like,

I don't know if I'm gonna like this person, but I stuck to the plan, okay? Because I wasn't going to cancel at the last minute, even though my gut and my brain was like, I don't know if I'm gonna like this person, but I stuck to the plan, okay, because I wasn't going to cancel at the last minute, even though my gut and my brain was like, eh, this is probably not the best situation. This man texts me and he says, okay, I made reservations at this place by your hotel. Let's do it, whatever.

I was like, okay, sounds good. Within 30 minutes of him, quote, making the reservation, who knows if he even actually made one. He says, actually, I'm not going to be able to make it tonight. That's all he texted me. That's all he messages me. He completely bails. He gives no reasoning. He gives no explanation. He gives literally no reason at all why he's canceling. Not a, I would have rather him just lied and say, my dog is not feeling well and I have to take him to the vet.

I mean, I would have appreciated a lie at that point more than him just saying actually never mind because it made zero sense. And I've actually, I don't think I've ever had someone just flat out say like, I'm just not gonna see you tonight with no reasoning behind it. Like, at least make some sort of lay mass excuse. I'd rather that than you be a sociopath and say something like, yeah, just kidding. I was kidding about this whole plan. I just wanted to basically see

if you would agree to it. That's what it came off as. And I was just so weirded out the way he approached it and the way he canceled on me with no reasoning. And for me, that was enough to be like, okay, this man will never have access to me again. And he will never be able to contact me again. And I don't give a shit because like I wasn't emotionally invested or attached by any means, I don't know this person, but the reason I'm telling this story is because afterwards he kept looking at my stories and it was just gross energy.

Like I saw his name come up as one of the first people because I guess we had been messaging and I was like, fuck this and I just blocked him, okay? I straight up blocked him and Okay. I straight up blocked him. And the reason I did so is because if anyone has the audacity to disrespect you, it doesn't matter who it is. I just believe that they should not have access to you at all whatsoever. And in that moment, I was like, you will never have access to me again. I don't care who you are. I know we don't know each other. I just got the biggest, weirdest, grossest feeling

just from him even looking at my stuff after that. So I blocked him and then he proceeded to try and call me through Instagram DM on my podcast account and I'm like, what the actual fuck is going on? Leave me alone, go away, you're a creep, you're weird, and I feel really just like, this is the weirdest interaction I've ever had with a person ever that I've never met before.

And still, no follow-up, no apology, no reasoning behind why he just bailed out of nowhere, just weird vibes all around. And I've come to the conclusion, it was one or two things. He either was in a relationship and hiding it or he never had any interest and he just wanted the validation of me agreeing to a date from a celebrity, quote unquote, in his eyes.

And then once he got the yes, he backed out and was like probably got a little ego boost out of it. Or whatever it is, who the fuck knows? It doesn't really matter. The point is, I blocked him and I cut off all contact immediately. And I'm using this as an example because it's a prime example of someone who would waste your time,

who doesn't respect you, who doesn't have a good intention behind what they're doing. People like that do not have any right to have any sort of access to you. It doesn't matter how long you've been seeing them. If you've been dating them for a while, if you've been in a situation with them for three years, if someone's wasting your time and you know it, why are they getting access to you? Why are you allowing them to contact you and interact with you and waste your fucking precious energy and time? It's just not worth it.

You're wasting your time. And on today's episode, I really wanted to talk more about going no contact and blocking people and not allowing people to access your valuable energy. It is so important to set the boundaries and be clear about where you stand with people and sometimes blocking people is the right move because they won't fucking leave you alone. And I've had many situations where men have talk the talk and they've said certain things and they'll try to keep you there and they'll

try to keep you holding on for dear life just for their own ego and validation, but they have no intentions of dating you. They have no intentions of being with you and they just don't fucking want you, but they want your attention and they want your energy because they're fucking leeches. And I was talking to my best friend about this at dinner the other night where we've dated people who were such leeches. They would cling onto us because they loved how powerful we were as women. They loved that we had so much power, and we were willing to give them our attention, and our love and our time and our energy. Meanwhile, they were so reckless with how they used that energy.

They were just sucking us dry, making us hate ourselves, making us feel powerless, and they weren't willing to commit. They didn't love us. They didn't care about us. And we were left feeling drained and sad and heartbroken. And it's just pointless. It's literally fucking pointless. And there are so many red flags and so many warning signs that you could look out for when it comes to people like this and situations, and I'm going to get into this in the episode. But I wanted to really use that story as an example, because it was very recent, and I think it can definitely probably relate to some people in some level. And at the end of the day, I wish him well, good for him. I don't know what he got out of that whole situation,

but what I will say is, don't fuck with me because if you fuck with me, you're blocked. I have no time to waste, especially moving into the new year in 2024. I'm gonna be 31 January 19th. I'm a Capricorn. You know us Capricorns do not fuck around. I mentioned this in every episode

that I'm a Capricorn, sorry, but itricorns do not fuck around. I mentioned this in every episode that I'm a Capricorn. Sorry, but it's true. Okay. We don't fuck around. We don't waste our time dealing with bullshit and babies who can't communicate, who can't commit. It's just not fucking worth it. And especially now that I'm in my 30s, it's become so much more strong as far as my boundaries go in the way that I feel about what I will and will not tolerate.

That's only getting stronger with time and I'm really proud of the woman I've become because I've learned how to set really healthy boundaries with myself and I know when it's time to cut the cord and stop talking to someone cut off communication off contact, and block them and move the F on. Let me tell you why blocking someone can be the ultimate power move. Now, obviously, this is a case-by-case situation. I don't want you to go on a rampage and start blocking every fucking person that doesn't give you the time of day, because obviously, we don't want to be over-dramatic here and do things that are out of character to us, right? But if someone's constantly allowed access to you and you're giving them that access, when they've hurt you, betrayed you, cheated on you,

done something really fucked up to you and you're still allowing them to have access to you and it's affecting you negatively and you're losing sleep over it and you're crying and you're sad and you're waiting for them to view your story. That's when you have to cut the cord. Okay, usually, right? For me, I just have really strong boundaries

when it comes to people having access to me in general and I block people as a means of messaging to them. You don't get access to me anymore. We will never speak again. Only, you don't get access to me anymore. We will never speak again. Only because you don't deserve it. If you disrespect me, that's how I operate. But I want you to take this advice and just take it lightly in the sense of,

you don't have to do exactly what I do, but I want to preface it by saying, just operate at your own pace and do what you want to do. This is how I think, and this is how I think based on my values and my standards and what makes me feel like myself. The reason I block people is because everything is energy. When you're still allowing someone's energy

into your vortex, into your bubble, even if it's as simple as them watching your stories, or occasionally replying to your Instagram story, or texting you once every few weeks, you are still essentially allowing them access to you, and it should be a fucking privilege and an honor to have access to you because your energy is precious and you're an amazing person with an amazing heart. And if someone's just trying to stay there, trying to keep you hanging on, trying to take advantage of that energy, I just find that to be messed up. I find that to be pointless. I find that to be a waste of time.

If someone's willingly wasting your time and knowing that they are consciously doing so, and they're not going to commit to you or ever date you or want to be with you, and you want to be with them, and they're not going to commit to you or ever date you or wanna be with you, and you want to be with them, and they're not giving you that, there's no point in communication anymore. There's no point in allowing them in, right? Because you're gonna end up being the one getting hurt again and again and again.

You're gonna be the one who feels like shit again and again and again, not them, they don't fucking care. And there was another situation that I was in over the summer where I was talking to someone where I had no idea where the fuck we stood. I was like, what's going on at all times? It was such a confusing dynamic. And it was just so frustrating

because this person was essentially saying, I want you here and I wanna talk to you, but actually, I don't wanna date you at all. I just want you there. He basically communicated that to me after I asked him about it. And I was like, fuck that, I'm out. I'm literally out because what's the point of that

to be friends, to have some sort of weird friendship? That makes absolutely no sense. I don't need another male friend. I don't need another male friend. I don't need another situation ship. Like I don't need that weird confusing dynamic in my life because it doesn't make me feel good. And it's blocking me from finding someone that will actually love me and commit to me

and give me everything that I'm looking for. Because why would I be wasting my fucking time with someone in a weird friendship situation ship? That makes literally no sense. And some people have a really good way at convincing you that it does make sense. And especially narcissistic people with like narcissistic tendencies,

they will find a way to make you feel like you're asking so much out of them. And they're like, oh, I want to figure it out and see where it goes. And we'll see. And they'll throw all these fucking weird terms at you and excuses at you to make you feel like, oh, I want to figure it out and see where it goes. And we'll see and they'll throw all these fucking weird terms at you and excuses at you to make you feel like, oh, maybe I should give us a chance and keep holding on and keep talking to them and see where it goes.

But no, if someone's confusing you and your brain is disoriented and you're not sure where you stand, but you think it's a yes, but it could be a no, it's a fucking no. Okay. A maybe from someone that you've been talking to for a while is usually a no. Nine times out of 10, it's a no. The right person will be sure about you and not make you feel like you're on edge

and anxious and confused and stressed out about the relationship all the time. So when someone is wasting my time and I catch onto it, that's when I block. That's when I'm like, we're going no contact. I'm not speaking to you anymore because you don't deserve access to me. You don't have that privilege anymore because I know my value and I'm not going to waste my time texting you and calling you and talking to you, when there's someone out there that will literally be the love of my life that will provide for me, that will take care of me and love me and respect me and give me everything I've ever wanted.

I know there's someone out there that would do that. And I've also had that before. I've had men in my life who have treated me with love and respect and committed to me. So why the fuck would I want this? Right? Like it makes no sense to continue something like that. And I know it can be validating to have someone look at your stories, to have someone engage with you on social media and like your pictures and comment and text you and FaceTime you here and there. I know that it's validating and I know it might and FaceTime you here and there.

I know that it's validating and I know it might feel good in the moment and you're like, oh, maybe there's hope, maybe there's a shot, whatever. But I just see it as pointless because the longer you allow someone access to you, the longer one, it'll take to get over them if they just never, ever commit to you. And then you waste another year or two of your life thinking that they will. It's going to take way longer to heal from a situation like that. And number two, you're blocking yourself from meeting the right person. And this person, if they keep playing hot and cold games with you and

they're not sure and they're still trying to contact you, it's just wasting your energy and your time. That's how I think about it. Once you start making me confused and leading me on and you're deliberately just dragging things out when they shouldn't be dragged out, you're not allowed to be a part of my life anymore. And that's how I see it. I also think of it the same way as just not seeing someone in person ever again back in the day. That's how I see it. I also think of it the same way as just not seeing someone in person ever again. Back in the day, that's how they did it.

If you went through a breakup, you just don't see them anymore, right? But with social media, it's easier to have access to still view people and still look at their pictures and their face and videos of them and the content they're posting and the lives they're living. And it could be really toxic if you're trying to heal. If you're trying to actually get over someone and move on and find your person and you're still watching your ex's stories and still waiting for them to look at your shit and still waiting for that situation ship to reply to your story and view it, whatever it is, you're essentially

holding your life up. And I think for me, just understanding that and knowing how my personality works, I have a very addictive personality type. So there's been moments where I've posted shit for someone to see it and watched and watched until they viewed my story. And I've heard many people do this, right? Where you're like posting specifically

for someone to view your story. When in reality, you're wasting your life doing that. You're literally wasting hours of your time, crafting shit to manipulate someone into viewing something of yours when there's just no purpose in doing that because you won't have to do that and try to grab the attention of someone if they're the right person.

They're gonna be giving you that attention no matter what. That's why I'm such an advocate for blocking someone and going no contact, or at least muting them, or at least removing them as a follower, or whatever it is, especially when it comes to Instagram and social media, because it's just going to help your healing process and you're not going to be able to engage in this person's life, and they're not gonna be able to engage in yours.

And if you really, really, really wanted a shot at a healthy relationship with this person, it's better to not see each other stuff. It's better to heal on your own and do your own thing and not worry about them because you have all the time now to focus on you. And when your relationships come from a place of actual want and not need and you're actually able to validate yourself and love yourself first and heal the right way, that's the only shot you really have at changing the dynamic of any relationship anyway. So if it wasn't working the last 10 times and you're still trying to stay in touch with

this person, really think about it. You need to work on yourself before diving into a situation with them again. You need to love yourself more. You need to do the inner work and they need to clearly do the inner work too. If you want any real chance at being together anyway, so going no contact is going to benefit you no matter what. Going no contact with a person does five essential things. It creates firm boundaries when it comes to accessing you.

It allows you the proper time to heal and recharge and let go in a healthy way. It gives you time to reflect and take an objective step back from the relationship. It allows you to put your energy and time towards new people and experiences that will love you and appreciate you for exactly who you are and it gives you the power to take full control over your own life again without giving your power away to someone else. Another situation I was in, I was in no contact with a situation ship that I was with for six or seven months, and it was really unhealthy because I kept lowering my standards to make this person happy throughout the whole time we were together.

I would bite my tongue and just deal with basically, like, emotional abuse just because I wanted to be with them. And I would do anything for them. And you start to sacrifice your own needs and you start to put this other person first when you're so blinded. And I was a lot younger, but at the same time, like, I think I just wanted it to work so badly that I started

lowering my standards for this person, right? And it ends up ending. And I thought he was going to reach out in a week or two and come back and whatever. And he never did. And thank fucking God he never did because I, there were so many moments where I was so tempted to text him and say something and whatever and I didn't because I was like he's the one who wasn't putting in the effort in the first place I'm not going to be the one to reach out again and spark a conversation with him when I know that he's not trying So we end up just not speaking for three full months. No contact. It went from seven months of basically hanging out all the time texting every day to nothing. And it was so painful.

It was more painful than like some of my breakups, like with actual relationships. And I was literally not okay at all. And I was so tempted to reach out. I remember there were so many times where I almost caved in and I had to talk myself out of it and say, Lys, you know that you were unhappy. You weren't getting what you deserved.

It was not fair to you. And I had to literally have conversations with myself every fucking day until I got myself to the point where I wasn't tempted to reach out anymore. And I did it. I pulled through three months later, we still hadn't said a word to each other. And one day, I wake up and I'm finally okay. One day, I wake up and I feel somewhat normal and fine. And he's not on my mind.

I wasn't thinking about him for the first time in a while. And he fucking texts me. He texts me. But guess what? You know what he texted me? He texted me a half naked picture of You know what he texted me? He texted me a half-naked picture of him basically saying he wanted me to come over and have sex with him. Okay? After three months of no contact, that was the first thing he thought of sending me after not speaking to me for that long.

And in that moment, I realized the universe had been protecting me all along. In that moment, I realized those three months of silence were the best three months that I needed to take a step back and heal and understand that everything I thought about him was fucking made up in my head. It was just a fantasy. It wasn't real. He never cared. And I had projected how much I cared onto him thinking that it was a mutual thing.

Meanwhile, this man just wanted to have sex with me at that point. Okay. He saw me as nothing, but someone that could just be in his bed and he would have a good time for a night. That was basically what he had communicated to me. And in that moment, I remember that day, I woke the fuck up. And I was like, thank God, I never reached out. Thank God, I went no contact for three months with him. Because it allowed me to ground myself again, and take the time to heal, and cry it all out, and step into my power, and realize this person was never right for me in the first place.

And I never would have worked. If I had continued it, and I had reached out to to Megan and again, it would have just made me spiral and it would have set back my healing process. It would have made me probably heartbroken again and again and again. And I would have kept getting the same and result of disappointment. And the fact that we hadn't spoken and then that was what happened next, I was like laughing about it, because I'm like, this is comical, how I had cared so much for someone, and like, I guess maybe he didn't know that, because I would play it cool, but I think he knew.

I think he knew that I wanted something more, and I had wanted a relationship because I had said that to him, and he was never gonna give me that. And it was so clear later on that it just wasn't never supposed to be that way. And the universe was guiding me and protecting you all along. So that's why I say, if you really give yourself that opportunity and that window of time to take a step back, even though it's going to kill you in the moment, and it's going to be so tempting to text them and call them and reignite something, give yourself at least 30 days.

Give yourself a month, a detox, okay? They can wait 30 days. They've made you wait two years. They can wait 30 days. You just need time for yourself to heal and really take a step back objectively. And figure out if it's what you want. Do you want to still be treated the way that you were being treated? Do they really deserve you? Is this really how you see your marriage going?

Think about things like this. Don't lower your standards and your value just because you're upset and in pain in the moment. Because just because you're hurting in the moment doesn't mean you're never going to love again or find someone better, right? It's okay to grieve and it's okay to be sad, but don't make that the reason you go back to someone that was emotionally abusing you and abandoning you. Don't settle. That's not what the universe wants for you. Truly. I was reading this book called Big Wild Love, and the author talks about this tunnel of pain

before you get to a place after a breakup where you're really healed. And everyone's essentially afraid of going through this tunnel of pain because it's so scary because you know you're gonna be really hurt after a breakup and you don't wanna go through that so you tend to just go back to what's familiar and you want to go back and just text that person and get that feeling of temporary happiness again talking to them, right?

But once you get past that tunnel of pain and you get to the other side of healing the universe is gonna show you something and show you and you get to the other side of healing, the universe is gonna show you something and show you an entirely new world and chapter for yourself that you never would have seen otherwise. And it's funny because looking back at my younger self when I was in that situation, I was just talking about, I thought it could really work.

I was convinced that this person was like the one, right? And looking back, I'm like, I was so blinded and in such a bubble that I really needed that time to heal. I genuinely needed that time to cry my eyes out and go through the pain and heal because I never deserved any of what I went through. I really didn't. I didn't deserve to be treated like an option and I wasn't that important and I wasn't a priority and I allowed it for so long because

it was a one way street and I really cared for this person. But the guy I met after him was the person that really changed my whole perception of what it means to truly be in love because the guy I met after him was my last boyfriend who I've mentioned many times on the podcast who treated me with so much respect and so much love and valued me exactly the way I had always wanted to be valued and I didn't know was possible or real. Like I didn't know how good a man could actually treat you

until I got into a relationship with this man after that situation and to see the contrast it was insane to me, the contrast of how I was being treated, it was like night and day where my ex who I met after that situation ship, he was like horrified by what I had told him, horrified about what I tolerated and what I put up with. And he was like, how can I help you heal from that? He was just so patient about the whole thing and would listen to me, go on and on about it essentially. And he was like, why would you ever let someone treat you that way? And I was like,

I don't know because I didn't realize relationships like this were possible. I didn't realize that a man could actually love me the way that you love me. I didn't think that was an option. So I was willing to tolerate abuse because my standards were so fucking low. And I would just go back to old patterns that I had grown up with because I thought that's just what it was. I thought that's what relationships were. I thought they were hard. I thought they were painful.

I thought that's what it was. I never experienced genuine love and respect before, which is so, it's so, not embarrassing, but it's crazy and wild to think about that because I was tolerating so much abuse because I thought that was normal. I just thought, oh, you have to fight for the relationship. You have to put all your energy and effort to make shit work. I considered that my version of normal.

So telling my last boyfriend about it, he was like, what the actual fuck are you kidding? You deserve so much love and he would do the most incredible things for me. Even from the very beginning, he was so straightforward, he knew exactly what he wanted. He committed to me literally right away. He basically asked me to move in with him within a few weeks. He was not love bombing me, by the way. I know there's a fine line between love bombing and moving very quickly in a relationship, but he was being a hundred percent serious, thank God.

And yeah, it was just night and day. And that's why my standards now from that relationship in particular are so high because I learned that it's possible to have true love with mutual respect and kindness and it's possible to have a relationship where all of your needs are being met and you're never asking for too much. You have just been asking the wrong person. Yeah. So anyways, whoop, went off on a little tangent there. But as I've been saying, going no contact really does work when you are trying to move on and let go and better your life. And if

you don't want to fall into the same abusive cycles and patterns, it's crucial. It's mandatory. You cannot let this person have access to you and you cannot be texting and blowing up their phone either. It goes both ways. Not only will you break the cycle, if you stop talking to them, but you're gonna be protecting your inner child and emotional well-being, you're going to be creating a new sense of self and independence for yourself,

where you can actually envision a new future for yourself without them, and actually have the opportunity to meet the love of your life and someone who will worship the ground that you walk on and your prioritizing self-respect, your creating space for healing, and self-love, and self-development, and it's only beneficial. It's only beneficial to do that instead of allowing them to be a fucking leech and still suck your power in one way, shape, or form.

Even a text here and then can really set you back. And I've seen this happen with so many people, especially people that I coach my clients. Okay. We've done so much healing and inner work. And we've done all these things to detach and let go in healthy ways and heal. And they haven't been in contact with their ex for months. And because they've upleveled and stepped into their power and used my master class and done all these healing techniques

to really upgrade their timeline and heal in the best ways possible, everything is energy. So their ex would reach out to them after all of that. And they would cave and start talking to their ex again and go back into the cycle of emotional abuse of pain and not undue all the healing because I think healing isn't linear and it's never gonna be perfect and there are gonna be setbacks and that's human but When you allow someone access to you

after you've done so much healing and inner work, it will set you back. And there's no point in that if that person hasn't changed or will not change. If that person has gone on their own healing journey and has done all the inner work and you did all the inner work and you come together again and you form a healthy entirely new relationship,

that's completely different. And that's possible, right? It happens. People break up and get back together and get married, and they have an entirely brand new relationship. But if only one person is up leveling, if only one person is genuinely committed to doing the inner work and the other person

is just sitting back and still the same toxic asshole that they were to you, the relationship is never going to work. It's just not. And you're wasting your valuable time and all that inner work and all that healing you've done, you don't want to set that back again. And you don't want to go back to your old ways because it's familiar and comfortable, right? So just be wary of that. And the other thing I want to mention is, you don't have to go into a situation blocking someone out of anger, out of resentment, out of toxic emotions.

You can block someone in peace just knowing it's for your mental health and for your sanity, and you're doing it for you, and you're not doing it to get at someone or get a reaction out of them, or you're not doing it to start a war with them. You're essentially doing it just for your own mental piece. And if you go in with that approach and you go in with a loving energy and you're like, I just need to do this for myself to heal and it's literally just to better my life. And it's nothing against them. I just really need the time.

That's a totally mature and finding to do from my perspective. Some people might not agree with this episode and be like, girl, you're dramatic, you're at a line, good, okay, you don't have to listen to my advice or my podcast, but I'm telling you, even with my last relationship, I had to block my ex for my mental piece because to see his stuff while I was trying to heal was not beneficial to me. And he knew that and he understood that and he respected that. And let me tell you, a few months into no contact, he was blocked and he still found a way to contact me because he wanted to get back together and he wanted to give the relationship another shot.

And I was doing the healing work. I went to Hawaii, I went to Arizona with my friends. I was not okay. I loved this man with my friends. I was not okay. I loved this man more than anything. I was really not okay. And he emailed me. He fucking emailed me. He knew he was blocked and he still found a way to contact me. He emailed me and he asked if we could talk

and we ended up temporarily back together after that. But at that time, I knew I needed to cut him off and we ended up temporarily back together after that. But at that time, I knew I needed to cut him off and block him for those months in order to ground myself and heal, and I did a lot of healing work prior to us getting back together again. And I will say it did change a lot. The next time we got back together,

it did change the dynamic a lot. And I think we got closer., it did change the dynamic a lot. And I think we got closer. I think we respected each other more because we had that time and that proper amount of time to heal and not speak and not be in each other's energy and up each other's space and fighting and whatever it is like prior to breaking up, it was so toxic. So to actually have that time where we didn't speak for a few months was crucial in order to be in a healthier dynamic.

And it still, yeah, didn't work out, but I know that going no contact situation was crucial. It was crucial in the healing process, in general. And it helped me in a way where now I feel like I've gotten really good at knowing when a let's shit go and cut things off when it's not right for me. And I've become a lot stronger about it.

And it's become a lot easier for me to detach and remove myself when things aren't working and allow myself the opportunity to heal. I've gotten really good at that. And I think the more you do it and the more you practice it when things are really toxic and not healthy for you, the better you get at it because you understand what you deserve and you love yourself so much that you're not going to be willing to tolerate something that's going to put you down and drain you and make you miserable every single day. Because you deserve to be happy. Another amazing thing you could do if you decide to go no contact, if you're not in touch

with someone right now and you're trying to heal is check out my masterclass, Dare to Detach. I speak about it often because it's something that I put my heart and soul into because it works. It's every technique and strategy I've used to help myself let go and re-center myself and focus my attention back onto me and reclaim my power when it comes to getting out of a break up, when it comes to getting out of a relationship

or a toxic situation, it's literally everything and all the skills and techniques and meditations. I've used along the way to heal and step into my power. Go check that out if you haven't already. Be sure to read the podcast on Apple and Spotify and always feel free to send me a direct message on Instagram, update yourself instead, and always feel free to send me a DM on Instagram, update yourself instead or on my personal account at least. I love you. Thank you as always for being here and stay tuned for next Monday.

you thank you as always for being here and stay tuned for next Monday.