Date Yourself Instead - Work on yourself so much until they're not your type anymore

Episode Date: June 12, 2023

If you're overly consumed by the idea of a person instead of focusing on yourself, this episode is for you. We get so caught up and easily fixated on a new relationship, or a partner that isn't giving us the love we deserve, and it becomes an ultimate form of distraction away from who we are, our goals, and what truly makes us happy. This episode is really just a reminder to work on yourself and your goals, and find the passion that drives you, instead of focusing on someone that isn't showing up for you. Remember, if you loved this episode feel free to dm me on instagram @lyss or @dateyourselfinstead, and be sure to rate it on Spotify.

Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of Date Yourself Instead. Apologies if I sound a little stuffy. I just landed in London and for some reason whenever I'm super jet lagged, I completely lose my voice and I just sound really weird and I have like severe vocal fry. I feel like I sound like dead right now. So yeah, I'm in London and I found this podcast studio in Soho and it's really cute and they set up everything for me just now and it's just so crazy to be recording episodes in a different country. I've never done this before but it's really fun and I'm really excited to

I think I might record another episode actually on all my solo travels because I've been getting so many DMs on Instagram about it. And solo travel is really going to be a little bit tied into this episode because I feel like part of learning to love myself was taking time for myself and shaking up my environment and it kind of ties into the topic of what we're discussing today. If you guys want to know more about my London adventures, always feel free to follow me on Instagram at lists or on the podcast account at date yourself instead. I post a lot of additional content on there. Anyways, okay, so let's dive into today's episode. Work on yourself so much that they're not your

type anymore. What does this really mean? When it comes to relationships and really, really investing in another person, it can honestly be the most incredible thing in the world. It could be the most beautiful experience in the world to fall in love and have your life partner by your side. But how much is too much where you forget who you are? How much is too much in a relationship where you lose your sense of self? I think it's personally to the point where you feel like you are almost catering so much

to the other person and focusing all your energy on if the relationship is going to work and if you're going to be together for the rest of your life that you start to lose your sense of self and identity because you're constantly focused on questions like, what are we? What are we? What are we doing? Is this person cheating on me? Are we together? Are we breaking up?

Is he my soulmate or am I wasting my time? It's so normal to question things like this, and obviously we're human beings, and we have brains that tend to reflect and question things. That's normal. However, if you're replaying the same thoughts and worries and fears 24-7 in your brain day in and day out for months, that's just simply distracting

you from yourself and your life and your goals and distracting you from really loving yourself. And you're denying yourself love by constantly focusing so much on all these anxiety-driven questions. And eventually, if you're in a relationship where you're constantly questioning things 24-7 and you're not truly, truly happy, you're going to whither away over time. And for me personally, towards the end of all of my romantic relationships,

I would start questioning literally fucking everything. And I talk a lot about this in the how to know if they're the right or wrong person episode, but all these fears would creep up on me towards the end of my relationships. And I would start hyper fixating on if this person actually loved me. If this person actually cared about me, I would ask my boyfriends, do you love me? Do you still care about me? I feel like things have changed. I'm scared. You're going to leave me. Am I in the right relationship? Is this person really my husband? And to question this, as I said a few times, is totally fine. But to be hyper focused on what your partner wants and how they feel and where the relationship

stands and if they really love you and asking them, do you love me every single day, day in and day out? Can be exhausting. And I'm guilty of this. And that's why I thought this episode was appropriate because it's also a learning lesson for me and just a reflection in a way of my past experiences and things that I've done personally in my relationships. But this can be so draining. It could be exhausting to constantly be wondering and questioning things and pouring all of your heart and soul and energy and time into someone else instead of into yourself. And it's taking away from your own growth and goals and day-to-day life.

I'm going to admit to you and I've said it before. I'm a super anxious attached person in general. And I think you could definitely improve this if the person you're with is willing to work with you and they're secure and help you feel calm or in better about your relationship. If you have a good secure partner, it really does help you feel secure overall. However, it's also really nice to know that your security is coming from your own sense of self and your security is coming from you and not from someone else. There have been times I've dated people and my anxiety would take over if they weren't replying if they were pulling back If they were being distant and I would freak the fuck out I would get so overly distracted and I would get so lost in my head and start worrying about

all these things that I really couldn't control and all these questions in the relationship would start to completely overpower my life and my brain, and I would start to neglect my own self and throw all my self-love and confidence out the window to cater to the feelings I felt in the relationship in this person. Now relationships in general are important to thrive. I'm not saying never be in a relationship if it's giving you a little anxiety. Human emotions come with anxiety, come with stress, come with fear on occasion. And I get that because no relationship is perfect and relationships sometimes do take

a little bit of effort and work because you're two individual people coming together with two different lifestyles, two different backgrounds. There's going to be potential conflict at times. And I understand that. However, if this is a day-to-day thing and I just want to reiterate that, if this is a day to day thing and I just want to reiterate that, if this is something that's taking over your day to day life and activities and this person is consuming your brain 24 fucking seven, that's what I'm referring to. It's not about like a situation where you're questioning if someone likes you and you know,

you're questioning it for a few weeks. I'm talking about months into years and I was in relationships where a year in I knew that things felt off but I stayed for another two years questioning shit and it would take away from my peace, my happiness, it would take away from my self-love and it made me feel honestly terrible. Our brain is wired to think of past experiences often because that's what the brain does. Now I love the quote about truly working on yourself to the point that they don't even feel like you're type anymore. I love this idea of working on yourself so deeply that they really don't affect you in the same way anymore and it really comes down to just building up your confidence and your self-love so much

that you're not ultimately impacted by how this person feels about you because you feel so good about yourself every day. And when you feel insecure and shitty about who you are, you start to question how everyone else feels about you instead of asking yourself, how do I feel about me today? What am I going to do to make myself feel better? What am I going to do to improve myself and make myself feel good? When you're used to being constantly validated from relationships or men or women, it could apply to really anyone.

If you're not getting that validation, it could feel like you're lost and it could feel like you're kind of insecure and just you just don't feel good and you don't feel strong and you don't mentally feel like really capable of standing on your own two feet. And it's interesting because when I was going through my last two breakups, because I was in two back-to-back, very serious relationships with very different types of people. And at the end of the day, both times,

I remember both breakups cost me so much unnecessary energy because for so long, before we had broken up, I was questioning everything. I was wondering if this person still loved me, if they cared about me, if they valued me as a partner, and I would drive myself fucking insane, questioning all these things, and throwing my energy at this person

instead of redirecting all that energy into who I am, and finding ways to improve myself, and help myself grow, and help myself feel secure. And it's a learning lesson. So as I've got an older, I've realized that, ways to improve myself and help myself grow and help myself feel secure. And it's a learning lesson. So as I've got an older, I've realized that now when someone is making me feel anxious or I'm in a situation where a guy isn't responding to my text or in a situation where I'm not sure if someone likes me the way that I like them. Instead of letting those questions consume me and take over me and distract me

from my day to day activities, now I'm engaging in more self-love activities. Now I'm actually doing things that are going to make me feel good, make me feel strong, make me feel confident, and I'm intentionally and willfully going out and doing things to get my head in a good space. Whenever I start to feel a little anxious, like I'm being thrown off my alignment,

I start to engage in activities and do things that are going to recenter me and take me back to a really good place in my head. So what are some ways that you can really work on and focus on yourself in order to build yourself love and your confidence and truly redirect your focus onto who you are? I think one of the biggest things for me

is setting clear goals for myself. When you don't have any particular goals for yourself, it can be interesting. Well, maybe it's also a personality thing, but I need goals for myself in order to work towards something and feel productive and feel like I have meaning and purpose in my life. Every time I just did absolutely nothing, which by the way, is fine.

I've gone through months at a time where I've done literally nothing and I was super unproductive and that's totally fine. However, I realize that the more productive I am towards a goal that I'm passionate about and that makes me feel good, the better off I am because I have something I'm passionate about and that makes me feel good, the better off I am. Because I have something to wake up to and look forward to. This could be a small goal, this could be a medium-sized goal, but if you have one big goal that you set your mind to, that's going to take you a while to get there and you wake up every day and start working towards that, it builds yourself confidence and your self-esteem because you feel like you have value and purpose and you're actually

pouring your passion and your energy into something that you genuinely care about. And I'm not saying you absolutely need to be the president of the United States. I don't know why I always say the president of the United States. I don't think it means you need to be Beyonce status. It doesn't mean you need to be Beyonce status. It doesn't mean you need to be this multi-millionaire entrepreneur that's on the cover of Forbes. It doesn't mean that. It just means that when you have some sort of goal that you're working towards, it can just feel like you have some sort of thing to look forward to every day. That helps your self-esteem and your confidence.

That helps you feel good when you wake up in the morning and feel secure. And your brain will instantly go to that goal instead of going towards the guy that didn't text you back. And your brain is going to go towards getting that goal and getting that task completed for the day to work towards that goal instead of worrying if you're going to be together with someone,

or if your ex is going to call you back, or if you're going to get back together, or if your ex is going to call you back or if you're going to get back together or whatever the situation is, it could be anything that you're hyperfixated on that's draining your energy. So when I didn't have anything really going on in my last breakup and I hadn't started my podcast yet, my travel blog and career died because of COVID and I was just so lost and confused. And I want to also make a point to say that everyone goes through career changes in life. At some point or another, something has to shift and change. If you are looking to transform and level up and switch professions

or take a leap of faith and do something different with your career, it's normal to go through a period of time that feels like you're lost and you have no idea what the fuck you're doing. And I learned that the hard way because in my 20s, I was fortunate enough to jump on the social media train early and I had Instagram and I was doing brand deals

and I was working on social media at a very young age in my early 20s. So I had the opportunity to have a career early on in my 20s that I loved and I was passionate about. But when COVID happened for two years, I would say from the end of 2019 until 2022. So maybe it was a little more than two years. I had no idea what I was even passionate about.

I was like so lost and confused in my head and so clouded. I felt like I had no purpose and it sent me into a depression. And the truth is, I realized part of that depression stem from the fact that I never wrote down any goals that I really had for myself, partly because I didn't even know. I didn't know what I was passionate about anymore because I thought I was passionate about what I was doing.

And then I lost that because I couldn't work due to COVID. And I was just like so confused about where I wanted to go. I just had no sense of direction of where I wanted to take my life. And it happened at a different period of time than a lot of people. A lot of people feel this way in their early 20s. And I didn't. I felt really clear about who I was in my early 20s, which is fascinating.

But when you're 27 and you feel like you've already built your foundation and then it comes crumbling down, it kind of feels like your life is over. Because you're like, oh, I built this career for the last five or six years. I'm super passionate about it and all of a sudden it's gone and everything you work for feels like it's just evaporated. And now I have to start from scratch. And when you're a little bit older, it feels

like, I mean obviously 27 is still really young, but from 27 to almost 30, I just felt like what the fuck am I doing with my life? I have no clear direction. I have no clear purpose. And I think people around me also sense that. So in business, I was taking advantage of a lot. People saw my vulnerability and they were willing to take advantage of me from a career

perspective because they saw how lost I was. Anyways, I don't want to go too off topic here, but before I turned 30, I realized that I needed a clear vision for myself. And I was so caught up in my past break up, in my relationship, and if we were going to be together, and I didn't take time to even ask myself questions like, what am I going to do to take myself to the next level? What am I going to do to level myself up and feel good about myself today? I never asked myself those questions, nor did I take any sort of immense action to get

there. I just let myself kind of slip away and I was lost in a fog for a few years. And that's okay because I think I've taken a lot of learning lessons with that experience, but I didn't have any purpose or goals to work towards. So when I finally came up with the idea to start a podcast, I didn't want to do it. I had no intentions of actually moving on it or jumping on it. And there was nothing in my mind that felt like it was going to be a big thing at all. So it's crazy to say that now because obviously there's so many people listening to the podcast and

it's helping so many women and men and I'm so obviously grateful for that and I can't believe that. However, a year ago I was like, yeah, maybe I'll start a podcast, but I don't know, I just don't feel like doing anything. And that comes with depression because when you're depressed and you don't feel good, it's hard to get going with anything. And it's hard to actually break yourself out of that and go do something because you just don't want to. So I empathize with that too. And I remember just being like, eh, maybe I'll start a podcast, but I'm not really sure if that's what I want to do with my life at all. So it took a lot of time for me to actually take that action and set that goal.

And then once I published the first episode, and I saw some people were downloading it, it gave me that instant spark of motivation again. And it sparked something in me that I hadn't felt in the last couple years, which was self-love. Because I was like, I'm doing something for me that could ultimately change my direction in life. And I'm finally taking this action and it's making me feel good. And for the first time, I wasn't hyper fixated on things I couldn't control, such as my past relationship. I suddenly realized that this podcast, as well as creating a brand around self-love and self-worth,

could actually help me really understand my own worth and really help me love myself. Even though I know that I'm helping other people with the podcast, I'm also directly helping myself as well because it saved my life. All of you have also saved my life not to be really cheesy and weird. I'm a Capricorn. It's really hard for me to say semi-emotional things. But really, I feel like you also have changed my life in the sense of just connecting with me and your

messages and your DMs and all the feedback and the love has saved my life to be completely transparent. Because prior to doing this, I felt like I was going to die. I just was in the worst depression of my life. And once I set that goal for myself that I wanted to leave an impact and I wanted to help other people, it opened up so many different doors for me.

And suddenly I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. And I was like, maybe this is what I'm supposed to be doing. Maybe this is actually going to be really good for me. And it helped me pave the way for other opportunities. And it helped me meet new people and it helped me meet new people, and it helped me build new connections. And suddenly, I had a support team around me, and suddenly I had new management,

and suddenly I had new creators in the space reaching out to me for social media collaborations. And it changed my life because of the decision to actually go for it and focus my energy on something that wasn't about a relationship or a guy or being cheated on or just feeling on edge because of another person. Now I know I just said a lot in that segment. However, I think setting a goal and working towards it was the key to pulling myself out

of a situation where I felt lost and caught up in someone else's energy and feeling like I was lost because of a relationship in the past. Now, another thing that I think is super important in order to build yourself love and yourself confidence and redirect your energy into yourself is developing and really maintaining healthy habits, working out also saved my life. And it doesn't mean you need to look a certain way. I want to preface this segment by saying it's not about having a six pack. It's not about losing a ton of weight.

It's simply about moving your body to create a habit of just getting yourself going in the morning or going for a quick run just to burn off some mental energy and steam if you're going through a hard time or if you're so invested in this other person and what they're doing and what they're up to. And if you're so lost in a bad breakup or you're dying for some sort of change in your relationship that you can't seem to get or you're begging your partner to pay more attention to you. There's so many different things that go through people's heads and it all ties back to romantic relationships and friendships and just relationships in general can make

us go insane. And I think working on my physical health has improved my mental health. And I always talk about this because running has helped me with my mental health. It's helped me burn off steam. It's helped me burn off anger and frustration and emotions that felt like I couldn't control. When I went into the gym and I lifted some weights and I did a workout and I run on the treadmill or whatever I do, it just makes me feel

a little better in the moment. And it's not to say it's like this permanent longterm fix, but I think just allowing yourself to release emotions by physically exerting energy in some way, shape, or form, is super helpful. Another thing is a video I actually just saw this morning on one of my friend's podcasts. Her name is Gemma, she hosts a podcast called The Psychology of Your 20s. She is so wise and mature for her age too.

She's in her early 20s and she's a spiritual guru, I love her. And she has an amazing podcast. You should go check that out as well. So her video was saying how we have this what if mentality that can be looked at as super negative. So it's easy to question once you get out of a bad relationship or you go through a breakup, you're like, what if I never find anyone else? What if I never find true love again? What if I'm alone the rest of my life? These are all really normal questions that play into our fears and play into our daily

anxiety, myself included. However, she was saying how it's so important to actually flip that narrative and say, what if it could be bigger and better than I could ever imagine? Or what if, you know, I meet someone that actually fulfills every box on my checklist of a soulmate. What if I actually leave this person and level up so much? What if I cut this person out of my life

that was toxic for me? And I grow and I expand and I level up so greatly because they were weighing me down and holding me down. Now, it's much easier said than done. However, every time I could say this with confidence, every fucking time, I've cut someone toxic out of my life, I've leveled up. I have leveled up in the best way possible because I felt in some way shape or form they were weighing me down. And I'm going to give you a real life example that was super recent. I was working with someone that just felt like they didn't have my best interest. I don't know what it was, but I just didn't

trust them. And as time went on, I trusted them less and less. And it felt like I was constantly filled with anxiety, filled with less, and it felt like I was constantly filled with anxiety, filled with doubt, and I felt like they didn't really give a shit about me or my career but they were saying that they did, and it just was one of those situations where I felt like their words weren't really aligning with their actions at all whatsoever. And I let it carry on for way longer than I should have. And then when I finally decided to make the decision to cut ties and say, this isn't working, I had so many other amazing opportunities, open up literally the next day.

I hung up the phone, I made the decision to end the business relationship that I was in, and I felt this wave of relief rush over my body. And then the next day, I got like five different brands reaching out to me. I had all these work opportunities flowing my way. I felt so in alignment. I felt so light and I knew I had made the right decision. And suddenly I realized that energy is so fucking powerful and real. And when you're holding on and clinging on to something that's not good for you and that's just not right for you and that's just not fucking working, it could really cost you. It could really hold you back from development, it could hold you back

from taking your life to the next level. And once you think about life like that and that you need to cut off anyone that's weighing you down in order to evolve to a higher level in your life, it does help and it does make it a little bit easier. When you constantly are telling yourself the narrative that what if it could be better, what if it could be greater than I ever imagined, instead of saying the opposite,

instead of saying what if my life is gonna get worse without them, what if I can't live without them, change that narrative and it's such a big fucking game changer. Now, I would love to make a part two of this episode. However, my studio time is over here, so I have to wrap that episode up and I'm really sad about it because I love recording for you guys and I'm definitely going to make a part two. If you love this episode, be sure to DM me on Instagram at list or on the podcast account at date yourself instead and give me your feedback. And if you have any podcast topics, you want me to

talk about always feel free to message me those as well. And if you haven't, be sure to rate the podcast on Apple and Spotify. It would be so, so appreciated. Thanks for listening. I love you and stay tuned for next Monday. appreciated. Thanks for listening. I love you and stay tuned for next Monday.