Daybreak - Inside the world of parent-approved desi dating apps

Episode Date: February 13, 2025

Desi dating apps are vying for parental approval. And their strategy seems to be working.A couple months ago, Agrima Srivastava, a 29-year-old media professional from Lucknow, had an awkward conversation with her mother. She wanted to know if Agrima had ever heard of Indian dating apps, Aisle and Better Half.That was the first time Agrima had an open conversation with her mother about her love life. She told her that she was on dating apps, but homegrown ones like Aisle and Better half, were "just too serious". Funnily enough, the very reason Agrima was hesitant to get on an Indian dating app is why her mom approved of it.And Agrima's mom isn't alone. Many Indian dating apps have positioned themselves as the perfect stop gap between casual dating and marriage. It allows people the autonomy to choose their own partner without their parents getting involved, while also connecting them with a pool of potential partners from similar communities and upbringings. It's like parent-approved dating.How do they work? And do Indian dating app users need them?Tune in to find out.Daybreak is produced from the newsroom of The Ken, India’s first subscriber-only business news platform. Subscribe for more exclusive, deeply-reported, and analytical business stories.

Hi, this is Rohan Dharma Kumar. If you've heard any of the Ken's podcasts, you've probably heard me, my interruptions, my analogies, and my contrarian takes on most topics. And you might rightly be wondering why am I interrupting this episode too. It's for a special announcement. For the last few months, I and Sita Raman Ganeshan, my colleague and the Ken's deputy editor, have been working on an ambitious new podcast. It's called Intermission.

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Well, happy Valentine's Day. We aren't big on celebrating, but it is a great excuse to revisit an episode of Daybreak where we went behind the scenes to understand something that's become such an integral part of modern love and relationships. Dating apps. You can't live with them, you can't live without them. They give us hope, but at the same time, they can also be exhausting.

And if you're an Indian, it can be extra complicated. Because as you know, dating in India is so nuanced and layered and complex. I think this holds true for most of us is if you're over the quote-unquote marriageable age, it's not just you doing the swiping. The phantom gaze of your family and their expectations is constantly on you when you're using these apps. Interestingly, some made-in-India dating apps seem to have found the perfect middle ground. Stay tuned. About a year ago, Agri Ma Shwastava, a 29-year-old media professional from Lucknow,

had a rather uncomfortable conversation with her mother. It was about something that we usually avoid discussing with our parents. And no, it's a lot of. It wasn't about the birds and bees. It was a little late for that. Her mother wanted to know about her love life. It was only very recently that my mother asked me what Better Half and what Isle is and everything. And then I told her and then I told her I'm on these apps.

So she liked the idea that, you know, I'm looking for people by my own self. At least she feels that I'm making some effort. So for those of you who aren't familiar with Isle and Better Half, these are two homegrown dating apps. But Agriam isn't on Ice. either of them. She actually prefers apps like Hinge and Bumble. You see, Desi dating apps just aren't really her style. But, funnily enough, the reason these apps are not her first choice are exactly the reason why her mother approves of them. Okay. So with I, they actually look for

like, it's like, it's like a matrimonial app or something because they ask you when are you ready to settle down and what are you looking like, not what are you looking for. They believe that all you are looking for serious dating relationship for stuff. It's like all they needed was a kundli match to make it a matrimonial app. Ironically, it was on a matrimonial site that Agriama's mom actually came across ads for better half an aisle for the first time. So clearly, Agriamah's mother is on a mission. Now that her daughter is close to hitting 30,

which is above the marriageable age for women in India, like most Indian parents, she wants her daughter to find her lifelong partner. But Agriama isn't exactly on the same page. Yes, she's looking for a serious long-term relationship, but for her, that doesn't necessarily mean marriage. She's more of a go-with-the-flow and see where it takes you kind of person. So for her mother, apps like I'll, Better Half or Quack-Quack-Quack are the best bargaining chip.

You see, these apps are made for an Indian audience. unlike, say, hinge, Tinder or Bumble, which basically just copy-pasted the Western dating model onto an Indian audience and hoped for the best. But here's the thing. The Indian dating experience is so layered and frankly so complicated that no matter which side you approach it from, whether it's your casual hinge or Tinder type of approach

or from the exact opposite side, which is the traditional matrimonial websites, it's still like a Sisyphian task, almost. So these dating apps are trying to crack the Indian dating market by positioning themselves right in between casual dating and marriage. It's sort of like the parent-approved dating experience. And we call them the datrimonial apps. Welcome to another special episode of Daybreak.

I'm Snigda. And I'm Rahel. And once a week, we come together to talk about things in business and tech that interests the both of us. And it won't just be us. Depending on what we're talking about, we will also be bringing in a bunch of really interesting people onto the podcast. In this week's episode, we will talk about how Desi dating apps are trying to do something

that they believe the OG trifecta, hinge, Tinder and Bumble couldn't do, which is building apps that are specifically created for the Indian audience. We spoke to Chandni Gaglani, the head of a really popular homegrown dating app called Ile. I'll start in 2014 and back then I think Tinder was the only one. It was before a lot of global apps had entered the country, right?

So, ILE has actually moved with how users are thinking about romance and love and no matter how the attitudes have changed, something stays evergreen. That's the hope for romance and the way they're looking for love. Right? So that stays constant. That was

Chandney Gaglani and she heads Isle a dating app. Like, Like she said, I was one of the first homegrown Indian dating apps to enter the scene. This was back in 2014, just two years after Tinder had launched in India. And this was a really exciting time, because according to the last census, which was conducted in 2011, 85 million urban Indians were considered single. For dating apps, this was a market waiting to be tapped. And over the years, a bunch of other dating apps entered the market.

But Tinder, Hinge and Bumble have consistently been the most popular. Thousands of people get on these apps on a daily basis. But the general consensus is that they don't really work for people looking for something more meaningful and long term. And this is because of the perception people have about these apps. Like Tinder is just for hookups. On Bumble, there's a lot of ghosting happening. Raya, the A-List dating app, is too pretentious.

There was even a rumor doing the rounds on TikTok in the US that Hinge keeps its most attractive users concealed behind a $50 subscription. Meanwhile, in India, homegrown dating apps slowly started entering the picture and ever since, they've been trying to redefine the Western notion of dating for the Indian audience.

Now, when you get into user research, you start realizing there are multiple Indians within India. Right? And there are multiple mass. and each region is behaving differently. Each culture has a different nuance. And you've got to really understand those before going after that market.

So very simple things that AIL did before it could get into the space is, okay, so there are global apps and, you know, it's a popular notion that a lot of it is addictive. Like when you're using a global app, it's designed to be really addictive. IEL actually stayed away from that philosophy

because AIL has been positioned between, say, matrimony and casual dating, saying you will come to aisle only when you're looking for a long-term relationship, something meaningful or something serious. If that's the objective, then I don't want you to get addicted to my app. I don't want you to swipe right and swipe left, just looking at images and focusing on vanity, because really when you're looking for a partner, you're going to be looking at the entire profile, every detail that you need. And it was, in 2014, I'll probably have the longest and the most details. profiles that there were in the landscape.

We were curious to understand what kind of people are signing up on apps like IEL. How old are they? What do they do? What prompted them to get on a dating app in the first place? So we took our questions to Chandi. If you see the entire AIL user experience, it's not even gone into having, say, additional likes or super likes or additional engagement levers. Because we're saying, you know, if we, in fact, we have.

something which was like invites, it wasn't even a comment. It was about saying we understand the kind of people who are coming. They were late millennials at the time and they're looking for something very serious. A lot of users we speak to, they have an urgency as to, okay, I really need to find someone and settle down on the next one to two years. So there's a very clear goal when they're coming here. So we had a filter called, you know, settle down in one year, two years, three years. Yes. So those features actually literally mirrored by what users needed. And in today's time, in fact, we don't have that filter.

We've moved it to settle down only because now that there's a Gen Z, you know, cohort coming in, it's becoming the primary cohort, it's turning 27. It's a very different kind of target audience, right? Like user base? Absolutely. They're looking for, you know, they start redefining what a meaningful connection or relationship means to them. And, you know, staying to tune to that and making sure that no matter who comes on the app,

At the end of it, they're looking for a like-minded person. They're looking for a connection that is going to last. And they're looking for new experiences. How can we enable this for them? And the entire app has been designed just to make that happen. So it's interesting that you draw that comparison between Genzi and Millennials, right? What does a meaningful connection look like for, say, a Genzi as compared to a millennial? What are the kind of variations there?

I think what Genzies are really trying to say indirectly is they're not under any pressure to really give a definition to the relationship they're building. They don't want to be attached to the outcome. This could go anywhere. And they're opening up that part of serendipity which had gone away with swipe rights and lefts. They're saying, you know, let the magic happen and we're here for that.

And also millennials, you know, they're also moving towards independent decision making. They're saying, you know what? I'm in a marriageable age. A lot of things in my life stage is very different. So I'm actually looking to settle down. I'm looking for someone who sort of matches the kind of vision I have. But this person has to be suitable in my family.

It has to be approved by my parents. And I want this to be a perfect fit. That's so interesting because, like, you said you position yourself something between a dating, something between dating and casual dating and matrimonial. And then you have these users, millennials and Genzi. So Gen Z's more focused towards the dating. and the millennials are more focused towards marriage. I think it's a function of the life stage.

Exactly. You know, and there's no saying that, okay, once they reach the similar bracket, maybe they will start showing similar behaviors. But they have grown in the digital age, right? So they look at this is also if you see the hesitation with dating will be different amongst a cohorts and regions, of course. But, you know, we did a user research. one of the insights that came on, there's an undercurrent.

Like, for a millennial, they grew up thinking about what romance is going to be, how they're going to find that person. And this was not a part of their plan. So this was never plan A, right? And the Gen Z actually grew up in an age where this is really normalized. So it's surprising for them if you, you know, this is only the urban people we spoke to, of course, there might be bias in the respondents. But they would be surprised if you say, hey, do you find any hesitation or do you want

to, like, hide your profile or go an incognito. They were like, but everyone is on it. You know, my peers are on it. So what? So what really struck me when Chani was pointing out the differences in how millennials and Genzi approach dating apps, she said getting on a dating app was never a part of the plan for a millennial. And that really hit me hard because I'm a millennial too. But for Genzi, they've grown up with it.

It's normal for them. I don't think a lot of them feel the need to be secretive about it, like a lot of millennials. And as more and more millennials face the pressure of settling down from society, peers, family, they suddenly hit with the realization that settling down with someone comes with a whole bunch of terms and conditions. And for an Indian millennial, the number one condition is parental approval. So our NRI audience, the primary influencer is parents, right? Because they want someone, they think that this is the place. where they probably will find someone

which is long-lasting. Then we spoke to users in the urban areas in India and to our surprise one of their inner circles of influence is siblings. Saying, you know what? You do want to look for

just time pass and I understand you want to get married. Why don't you try aisle? Because this is where all of that noise is tuned out. And then you have... So you're right, you know, parents and siblings are becoming the new influencers

which we would have never imagined. And then you take a user's point of view and you ask them that do your parents know you're on this app? Right? And it's changing by the way, a few years ago, in fact, five to six years ago, when people even got married through Isle, they would say we do not want to reveal that we met on Isle.

So they will not give the love story, but they will say thank you so much. Yeah, on these dating apps, like other dating apps also, like so many people, it's like the go-to response. I don't know what the prompt is, but they'll be like, if our parents ever asked, we met at some other place basically, not a dating app. So cook up some story of meeting somewhere else.

Yes. But that's changing now. Yes, that's changing a lot and very quickly. And the scenario was changing so much that Ayle went ahead and launched a bunch of different region-specific apps. So they have Anbi for the Tamil community, Ariki for Malayalis, Nito for the Telugu community, and so on. It's actually to the same tune of understanding India better, right?

And this is our first step to do that. saying that there are specific communities which are very closely knitted. They have their own dynamic and their own world going on. And if they were really to look for a life partner, it is more often than not within their own community. And how do we enable that?

We spoke to users, the young India, within this community, which they're making their own decisions when it comes to career. They've moved on to making their own decisions for academics. But when it comes to a life partner, they're now questioning why should we rely on our parents?

We want to be able to find our own person without really breaking the societal norms or the constraints that are there. And that's when the idea of this came up, you know, listening to our users really intently, that they are looking for this and they just want to do it the right way. And can we sort of give them a platform to do it? And every community, the deeper we went, the second part of this strategy was the deeper you go, you realize that every community also behaves very differently from each other. how closely are they connected to their community why are they looking for people within the same community

how are the parents responding to it and you know some communities are more progressive than the other so you know over time we've realized that the communities have decided what this app is going to mean for them rather than the other way around you know the brand perception has created the brand image

have you found differences between user behaviour on like the primary aisle app the app that you know the OG IEL app and these regional multilingual apps like RRICA and Anbi are there differences in the user behavior that you're seeing? I will always have an older demographic in general. It'll have like your late 20s to mid-30s or even late 30s for that matter. And they're very, you speak to them, they hate people who waste their time on the app.

They say, you know, if people are not here for the correct intentions, why they hear? They will report them. So they're like, you know, they're safeguarding the app in that way. And correct intentions in this case would be long term, possibly marriage. That is what the correct. Or at least the intention you've chosen when you started off. So we don't have casual as an option. Right.

So it's long term, what are you looking for? All of that. So if people have selected that, you know, they want to see that that's at least true. Yeah. And Ariki, on the other hand, you'll see a younger audience coming in. It's more vibrant. They're taking it up. And there are two cohorts at play.

There are late 20s and they're in mid-20s. And the average is still a 30-year-old. And the NRI has picked up in a very big way for Riki. Because now suddenly it's easier to meet your own kind across borders, across. Yeah. Otherwise, it was your, you know, like Sima Auntie. What is Sima Auntie for? Why did she exist, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Chani, I had a question related to the community option on dating apps when users get the option to pick people from their own specific communities in a country like India, right? Isn't that a little bit like enabling the existing social divisions which we've been trying to fight forever? Because, you know, as a society, we want to progress, right? And in an ideal world, it shouldn't matter, no? The way we think about it is very similar. and that's why we've sort of kept it more in preferences

and not in our default, like especially when it comes to faith, etc. We don't try to match that as a default. We keep it open as preferences. And we give the choice and the control in the hand of the user. Saying that, and the good part is we're hoping that this trend changes. We see that people are now going for open to all versus within their own bubble itself.

Okay. So, Chani, this is a bit of a sidestep from our, conversation so far. But we've been curious about your business model. Can you tell us a little bit about it and how does it really compare to, say, hinge or Tinder? Let me talk about these apps based their business models, right? So if you look at it on a X, Y axis and where you know, in the X axis is just the engagement and Y axis is based your intention. On the extreme left, you'll have your casualtyting apps because these are the people who are high on engagement and they are following a user model, which is business model is, you know, based on engagement.

You get more users, you get more engagement, then you monetize it, right? Versus a matrimonial business would probably be a revenue model. You know, they start with saying, you know, you take this package and then we will help you and handle you through this and that's you're paying to the start with. They're two very different models. When IL is sitting in between, the question becomes, are you trying to compete with a user model or are you trying to compete with a revenue model? And the good part is if you do this right, you can get the best of both, right?

Because you get users who are at the right stage with the right intention and they are going to pay when it really means something to them. And when they do pay and when it is a success, I think it's a long-term game. You should rely on the word of mouth. You should rely on the success when a lot of people finally find their match, it's going to sort of spread the word that, okay, when I need to look for love and I need to look for something. Meaningful, this is where I'm going to go. So we found someone for whom detrimonial apps that allow the user to find a partner from a particular community makes perfect sense. Well, in theory at least, she is a 28-year-old Gurgao-based marketing professional. She doesn't want to be named.

So we are just going to call her Tanya. Also, a quick disclaimer, there was some construction going on near her home when we recorded this conversation with her. So apologies in advance. So I wouldn't say it's impossible to find a life partner. It is definitely possible. It's tough. We all know that. We all have had our experiences. But in terms of practical issues, I think some of the biggest ones are talking about caste, community, language preferences, education and social economic background.

So these are some things that you don't immediately get to know about a person right off the bat when you match with them on a dating app, but eventually once you start dating, if you are getting along, then you get to know. And as open as our parents are to meeting, us meeting new people and maybe marrying outside our caste community, there's still some sort of stigma about which community you marry into. So I think that you want to meet people from similar socioeconomic background, similar kind of education, because that filter doesn't sound very bad. Like you're saying, okay, I want to meet someone else educated as me. But at the same time, somewhere deep down in your mind, you're hoping that they're going

to come from a similar cost of community as you, because they've had similar education. And is that also coming from a place of, you know, like, again, you did mention, you know, there is a certain amount of parental pressure, parental, you know, that perception does color your choice of who you're picking, right? So would it be fair to say that when you're swiping, like your right swiping or left swiping someone on a dating app, at some subliminal level, is that something that you're thinking? You know, is, will my parents approve of this match? Will my family approval society approve of this match? Is that something that occurs to you at all when you're on the app? Yeah, definitely. I mean, you always think about,

is this person going to get along with my friend's circle? Is this a person someone my parents would approve of. You don't want to have to put up a fight. It's already tough to find a partner on a dating app. You're going through so many struggles. And even after that, if you have to fight your family to be with this person, I don't know if

that's something people are willing to do. So as much as possible, I definitely feel you're looking for someone who your family, friends, everyone would approve of. Right. And then once you actually match with these people, Tanya, can you give me a sense of, you

you know, if these are conversations that you actively have with the people that you're meeting through dating apps, you know, does cast and community come up at all when you go on dates with them? You know, is that a conversation that happens often? I wouldn't say it happens often. I think people try to be as discreet about it as possible. So they won't have very open conversations. But a lot of times when relationships or that dating phase is ending, I've seen these come up and be the. reasons for those scenarios ending, right? So people try to gauge it very discreetly. They'll try to go out with the person, talk about the family, things like that, and

then try to see if they come from similar backgrounds. I don't think it's a very open discussion that people are age or people from more liberal backgrounds are having these days, especially when they're meeting someone through a dating app. So basically it does kind of all add up, right? I mean, for someone like Tanya to use a dayrimony lab. Because think about what she just told us. Getting approval from her parents is very important for her, which means that she cares about what community her potential partner belongs to.

But the constraint that she faces in a liberal society is the reluctance to openly admit this. She has to go on multiple dates and spend time with someone to get this information. She can't ask it openly on her first date. So for her, an app that saves her from all. of this trouble just by giving her the option to choose from a particular community makes sense. But on the flip side, the problem with dating apps where you choose a partner based on any sort of community is that in a way you may end up stigmatizing other sorts of relationship. Where say someone chooses a partner who doesn't belong to their own community, which happens all the time in a country like us.

To be politically correct and all, I can say that to each his own and all of that. but I think we have to be cautious, you know, this kind of in the long term can have negative repercussions. At least that's what I believe in. And I'm speaking as somebody who has seen intercast conflict in my own household, you know, because my mother is from a different caste and my dad's from a different caste. Dad is Prishansa Gurung, a 36-year-old startup founder and filmmaker from Darjeeling West Bengal, which, by the way, also happens to be my hometown. we spoke to her about her experience of using dating apps

in a small town like Darjeeling where everybody knows everybody and the idea of community holds great importance and Prashansa has been on these apps for the last 10 years or so like you're a veteran dating app user so you know now of course

your perspective has changed you know early 20s like you said is a different time, right? But now when you get onto a dating app, what would you say your expectation is? Like, the end goal? What is your end goal? My expectation with a dating app is just hook up, okay? Because I don't see dating apps as a viable option to meet

somebody you will want to spend your life with. Having said that, that situation applies only to me, I guess, because I have met people who have met on Tinder and are dating and are in a fulfilling long-term relationships. But for me, it has always been a time pass. So would you ever want a life partner? Is that something like I said, right, if an ideal dating app existed,

would it be nice if you could find a life partner there? Yeah, definitely, you know, especially I think as a queer person living in Darje. it is very difficult to meet other women face to face. Yeah, it's like looking for a needle in a haystack when we try to meet people face to face. You know, there's a lot. Since Darjeeling still is a bit conservative when it comes to this, you know, queer relationships at least, I think it would, yeah, like if I had,

if the current dating apps were, I don't know, better than what they are, it would help me, yeah, find somebody. But right now it is not looking like that. Okay, completely different side of this, like parental approval. Okay, you said it's, you came out to them, but after that, whether they accept it, they approve it is not your, you're not taking that upon yourself. But tell me, like, you know, as people who come from small towns,

who live outside, you know, the way we look for people who speak the same language, the way that makes us feel, right? So how important is community when it comes to dating? You know, basically all the lovers that I've had, all my, like, you know, lovers that I've had till now have all been non-Napalis. I have yet to date a person from my own community. But having said that, right? The last relationship that I had, which was a long-term relationship, he was from a different community.

And I think it made a difference in, you know, our basic outlook of life, besides the food. You know, besides the food, I would be sad if I don't get to have any for the rest of my life. Or if my spouse didn't, you know, know, know how to cook. Yeah, how to cook. I mean, like, for example, like with my last partner, right? Like, in their culture, the pork wasn't too big, you know? So whenever we made food at home, so I used to make something for him and I used to make work for myself, but he used to scrunch up his nose and, you know, pass some, like, comments,

you know, like, how can he eat that? That sort of a thing. So again, like, but I think that is an individual thing, you know. But if you find a person who's going to the extent of, say, knowling your language, right? like learning to cook for you, you know, or watching movies in your language or listening to songs of your language. I think true love, at least I want to believe that.

I am a hopeful romantic after all. I think, you know, when the right person comes along, such barriers will not matter, I think. That's what I want to believe in. And that is also what we want to believe in. On that note, that's a wrap. Also, huge thanks to our main man, Rajiv C.N, our sound engineer, who we pester nag and annoy on a daily basis. This episode would not have been possible without his patience and hard work.

We love you, Rajiv. Also, do tell us what you thought of this episode on podcast at the ken.com. That is t-h-he-k-en.com. Or if you're listening to us on Spotify, you can also drop a comment right there. And if you like this episode, do not forget to like to like. share and subscribe. Catch you next week with another daybreak special.