D&D is For Nerds - Buried Beneath #16 Musical, Magical Orbs + BONUS

Episode Date: May 13, 2017

In which our heroes cast the right spells, surprisingly in the right order. Shane will just step back a bit if there are any ghouls, Anton re-enacts the Fifth Element and Squim consistently gets pretty high on his checks to help people.Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets for our Brisbane show and /uk tour right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: redbubble.com/people/sanspantsradio or teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Adam: twitter.com/RetroArchetypeJackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadShanks: twitter.com/timtimfedZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Welcome to episode 16 of Buried Beneath, D&D is for nerds adventure. I'm Michael Shanks, I'll be playing the part of Squim Norton. I'm Joel Zamet, I'll be playing the part of Shane Knoll. I'm Jackson Bailey, and what I'll be doing is I'll be playing the part of Anton DeSorcia. I'm Adam, and as always, I'll be your dungeon master. Previously, I guess.

Rooster Cr Oh, no! Rooster fumble. There's another monster on the same page as it, and I quickly looked to the hit points, and I looked at the wrong hit points, and I'm like, 230! Anyone for roast? No, I can attack.

No, it goes against my code. No, I can't. At the last second, you divert your sword, thinking better of breaking your code. So it scoops you up with it. Of course it does. A heart chomped. Dead.

Guess what? I'm going to go the way of Lillip. I'm just worried about the fire because it's going to burn you. What do we even want, mate? I'm a healthy boy. I'm on a full hit points of how much, Adam? Half hit points. I'm on half hit points.

There are two enemies that it can hit. You and the chicken. No. It's a weird first for D&D. I want to just be like, you fuck, Adam. I mean, yeah, fair. From hell's heart, I stab it, Steve. You cut it open, and sure enough, in its stomach is lodged the cock.

Mostly rested, but still a bit ill, you feel somewhat ready to continue your adventure. All right, so how many hit points am I on now? Because I wouldn't have healed a lot. No, not overnight. Like, still. I mean, do I still have, like, lilip abilities? Can I still, like, heal people?

You get some lilip abilities for hair and teeth. You help him out, so you heal eight hit points, which means that your eight plus five is, as we all know, Jackson. Yes. Thirteen. Good job. I'm a bit clever. You're on 13 hit points, Shane.

13 out of a hot 56. Hey, can I just do it again? No, no, no. This is just naturally... No, it's okay. I'll just get a 20. That's how that works, right? Just a 20.

The way that getting a 20 works is we assume that you got a 1, a 2, a 3, a 4. So taking a 20 is like, oh, there's no penalty for failure. In this instance, if you've got a 1, I would make him lose hip points. So you can't hit a 1, but you'll end up hit point negative. No, that's all right.

Not necessary. You can still hear the noise above you guys. Every now and then you hear, like, noise. Just either maybe talking sometimes. What are we even doing? We cleared those levels. Did you? Maybe we just went through.

We didn't go everywhere. You did go everywhere, but, like, there were tunnels, there were nests. Yeah. And magic, you know. And an evil god. So who knows? I mean, yeah. And a sphinx.

Oh, yeah. And a delicious corpse. So I'm... She was buried. She was buried. You animals. It's a sudden passion. So how...

All right. So in one room, we have an evil tomb goblin that will bite my neck, and that will kill me. On the other one, we have an unknown. And then we also have another unknown. Yeah, the unexcavated area, the room you haven't been to. This is all branching off from that first room. Yeah. And the tomb goblin.

Yeah, the mirror room, if you will. I have an idea. It's a random thing. I kind of want to go back to the main room and cast a spell of darkness on the hole to get down here, just to confuse whoever's going to come down. Okay. Is that possible?

But maybe I'll wait till we're there. Darkness, eventually it does fade away. Okay, right. It takes a couple of hours, though, but you don't know how effective that's going to be. You might as well just cast it and just see what happens. I'll take a 20. Just like

keep constantly casting it. You can cast it forever. Why not? Just every now and then be like whoop! In your week, you might want to spend the day excavating if you want to take it slowly. Good idea. I mean, I'm nervous about my eventual Madison role, but I'm down. And if you do that as it slowly. Yeah, good idea. I mean, I'm nervous about my eventual Madison roll, but I'm down.

And if you do that as well, I'd say you can just keep casting Darkness every time it wears off. Okay, great, yeah. So for the day, the Darkness is there. The day of the Darkness. Just un petit. Wow, gosh, Scram,

you just keep consistently rolling high on this. You recover another eight hit points. Nice. Shane? You're doing good. Back to it. 21, mate. 21.

Gang's back in. I'm not going to lie. I feel like I am cactus. Yeah. But, hey, we'll just keep going. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we'll fight.

Good for you. Shane, you fight off the illness. Oh, I feel fucking the illness I feel fucking great I feel tops Anton, you feel better, but you're still being affected What does Dex do for me?

Like for a fighter Actually nothing I feel a bit better now Takes the gloves back I guess the darkness has been nice. You know? Yeah, it's been just like... Just relax.

Just cozy. Just cozy, relax. We're getting a big pile. Big adventurous pile. Yeah. Hug it out. Gloom wants none of it. Gloom's not involved, but the rest of us are getting real nice and cozy.

You excavate another door towards Shane. All right. All right. Towards Shane? What am I saying? Sorry. Shankswood. Shankswood. I detect magic on the door, and maybe we also

look to see if it's just some traps or something. He detects no magic in that direction. Faint auras, but they're too far away to really see. Let's walk through it. Alright, you open it up yeah do we hear anything from above you haven't heard anything from above for a little while haven't heard a bloody peep probably bloody whatever you call them uh sphinx got them there's a short corridor

that ends in this large stone mechanical looking structure that appears to be some sort of door it's also looks like it's made with a lot of the same metals and materials found from the other end of the dungeon, that little mechanical machine that you need to slot the gears into. Okay, so... You think they might be related. Perhaps this is the level that they pull, you know? All right. So, this is what it pulls.

All right. So, we have a tomb goblin or an unknown. Unknown is my vote. Because it's unknown. But in the unknown, we have four distinct magical energies, which might be harder to deal with than the singular magical energy of the ghoul. I always open it up, and we see if there's, like,

several goblin ghoul things. Yeah. And if there is, close that door. Close that door. Don't worry about it. Before we open that door, is it possible for me to cast a spell of darkness assuming through the door

on the other side so that when we open it any particularly evil character might not see us? So you want to cast darkness over yourselves? Yeah, kind of like before we open the door I cast it on the other side of the door. No, no, no. You can't cast darkness where you can't see. Okay, the door, I cast it on the other side of the door. No, no, no. Cast it on ourselves.

You can't cast darkness where you can't see. Okay, cool. I guess cast it on us because you can still see through it, so you can still open the door. It's just that it'll obscure people who are seeing us. So if there's like some kind of tomb goblin, in fact, that's a good strat for when we fight the inevitable tomb goblin that we have to anyway. All right, great. Tomb goblin. Why are we fighting in the dark all the time?

Fuck, we're idiots. Anyway. All right, great. Yeah. Tomb Goblin. Why are we fighting in the dark all the time? Fuck, we're idiots. Anyway. It's only good for you. And you just don't take... But you've now got fireballs. You could just like stay on the other side and go like... You can locate enemies, but you can't locate anything else in the darkness. Still, you don't need to.

You only need to see his enemies. Yeah, sure. If Shane is the only person there, and he only needs to fight an enemy, darkness is useful. That's very useful, in fact. Actually, yeah. I guess if we'd done this on the water room, you would have just drowned.

Still, here we are. Can we go back in time? I just want to do the water room again. I don't even care about the trash. Yeah, yeah. No, no, no. Anyway. I mean, the darkness.

Cast darkness on us, my good friend. I do it. And then we'll... All right. And then you open the door. There's darkness on the other side. Because there's darkness here. You have to walk through the darkness.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you can't see the darkness. We could cast light on the other side of the darkness. And the doors open first. You've opened the door. There's darkness on your side. And because of that, you can't see through on the other side of the darkness and the doors open first. You've opened the door. There's darkness on your side. And because of that, you can't see through to the other side. Oh, because there's no light from our room escaping into this.

Yes. I'll cast light. Yeah. All right. So do you enter the room and cast light? No. What do you do? What?

You don't need to. Can you throw light through the darkness? I can throw light through the darkness. All right. Sure. Okay. So. I'm now confused.

Okay. Okay. Okay. I need. confused. Okay, okay, okay. I need the... Explain physics for me. Sorry. Okay. This copy of Pokemon Black and White 2

represents the area that your darkness affects. So anything that this is sitting on top of is bathed in darkness on our little map. Right. So you've cast it near the door, right?

Yep. So this is what is happening. Ah, yeah. You guys are standing bathed in darkness on our little map right so you've cast it near the door right yep so this is what is happening ah yeah you guys are standing in the darkness see i was all right i sort of thought it was like a like a disc like a thin disc in front of us kind of like basically yeah no it's like i was meaning imagine a fog cast it so like the end of it hits us, so we can, one, you know what I mean? That make sense? I understand. I do understand. Right. I don't know necessarily what the point of that is.

We have a line. So, now it seems to have to go real far into the room to be, like, you fight with that, yeah. You want it like that? Yeah. So, it's only in your room? Yeah. All right. So, that way, if I don't walk into the hallway, then we can see shit. And then, like, if there's, like, say. So, as soon as you step in, you'll be able to see shit? Yeah. So that way if I walk into the hallway, then we can see shit.

And then if there's like... So as soon as you step in, you'll be able to see shit? Yeah. But you can see stuff. Oh, no, you can't see stuff because the other room is not getting light. I can only see my darkness. You could locate an enemy, yeah. Do you locate any enemies?

Do I? So do we think people listening at home understood what we were doing? They have got it. The Pokemon White 2 copy was used. They understand. Perfect. It's a secret of Pokemon White. Like, what's to learn?

Basically, we just cast darkness on ourselves. We can still hopefully, if we just move one up near the room, the corridor, we can be like, what's in the room? Basically cast it at the border of the door. And then if there's ghouls, we can be like, and we step back a bit. Yeah. Adam's pulling out a lot of dice. I don't like this.

Who wants to step in first? This boy. Shane. You step in first? So you step through into the next room. The room is barren. Oh, okay. Except for four glowing hovering orbs. Puzzle room.

Oh, way better. Puzzle. Oh, you can't see this room, can you, Shane? Not yet. Puzzle room. Oh, way better. Puzzle room. Oh, you can't see this room, can you, Shane? Not yet. Shane. Jesus Christ. What does it look like? A bunch of four orbs. I mean, like, physically you can't see this room, can you? Is it safe? Can a boy join a boy? Yes, a boy can definitely join a boy. A magic boy join a fighting

boy? Yes, I follow in. Come, magic boys. Do you want me to come in this way? No, no, no, no, no. Just the one beautiful magic boy. I'm thinking if this is a room with arcane-y shit, maybe Gloom could know, but I've got a little bit of knowledge.

Gloom steps into the room as well, just in case. Everyone can step in the room. It's fine. There's no traps, I assumed. I checked. I assume. I thoroughly examine the room beyond the orbs.

I have a desire to touch the orbs. And I might. Upon your inspection of the room, you notice that in the dead center, in the middle of all four orbs, there's a slightly different, the stone there, stonework there is slightly different,

and you can see a small seam. So there's some sort of hatch here that opens somehow. So we fix this orb riddle and the cog pops up. Yeah. Nice. I'd like to really gingerly get close to the orb, but not quite. I just want to feel. Fuck it, I touch it a little bit.

Which one? This one. the white one yeah just you touch it and it makes a sound i use my magical knowledge to kind of see if i can sense anything about the orbs in particular and and what corresponding colors that means well you cast detect magic magic as part of your investigation. And you detect that the red orb shines with an evocation magic. Okay. You detect that the green orb is transmutation. Do you remember what these mean? No.

I don't remember evocation. Evocation is energy release. So a fireball spell or acid splash, that's an evocation spell. It releases energy. Transmutation, which is a transformation spell. The blue one is illusion. And the white one is necromancy. I'd like to head over to the red one and cast acid splash on it.

It flares once and you hear... Not a too difficult puzzle. It's basically a difficulty element. it flares once and you hear bong not a too difficult puzzle it's basically a difficult element with necromancy yeah

can I go over to the necromancy one and cast disrupt on dead is that necromancy which one sorry whatever oh the white one

sorry disrupt on dead bong bullshit or maybe that's correct can we hear that sound again what sound are we looking for what what sound are we looking for

you don't know you've heard two different sounds from two different orbs when you touched it it made the same sound true I'll touch the transmutation one just transmit oh sorry the uh

oh is this why you guys were a little tripped up yeah the white one does shine bright when you cast the spell on it okay the necromancy spell yeah the necromancy spell on it uh which one are you touching sorry so so green is transmutation is earthen grasp for transmutation? On the money Okay, I cast earthen grasp on the green orb Bah And it flares I go up to the blue one No I cast ventriloquism on it

Hey Hey, I'm a blue orb How's everyone doing tonight? Bah It flashes The little marking in the center Or the little, what do you call it the little hatch in the center, opens up. A small pedestal with a cog raises up.

Excellent. Grab that cog. Hot tip. You guys inadvertently solved the second part of this puzzle that I was not going to comment on at all. See how I used dice to mark each of them? That's the order that you needed to do them in. For real? Oh, no way.

That's so funny. you needed to do them in. For real? Oh, no way. That's so funny. Just absolutely at random you got the right order. That's nuts. That's ridiculous. Huh. Go team. We are great. But we don't notice that. No, we're just like, I guess you just had to do the spells on. Yeah.

You don't know how randomly lucky you were in that one. About fucking time. Hey, is it possible to reset traps? These ones, you have no idea. These ones are mechanical, magical, and fairly complicated. No worries. Pick up that cog, put it into the...

Three of the four cogs. Last one's in the ghoul room. Now let's go deal with the fucking ghoul. All right. So what are we going to do with the gh one's in the ghoul room. Now let's go deal with the fucking ghoul. All right. All right. All right. So what are we going to do for the ghoul? Take the ghoul to school. Is we're going to cast a darkness.

Uh-huh. So on the edge, whatever. And then I can see it. Yeah. It can't see me. But the room's already so full of illusion. I don't even know anymore. Just throw your fireballs in there.

Unless the ghoul is at the door, then fireball will kill us all. That's a risk we gotta take. Well, last we left it, the ghoul was at the door, but only you could see it. Yeah. But maybe the ghoul might have, like, fucked off back there. Everyone just

stand back. Yeah, stand back. And I advise you open the door and, like, step back. Throw it and duck. Throw it and combat roll out of there. If the door and, like, step back. Step, throw it and duck. Throw it and combat roll out of there. If the ghoul is at the back of the room, I'll throw a fireball. If not, I'll smack it with a sword. All right, whatever. Because then, look, the fireball will kill us all.

Mostly me. True. I open the door. You see that near-perfect room you saw originally? There was no... You can't see it. You didn't see it? You've got to step in to fight the ghoul.

I step in. The ghouloul pass me the ghoul oh you got it he's right there it attacks there's a ghoul right there you just got jump scared you did this look and it's standing right in fucking front. Tap A to duck underneath. Quick time events. It's like, I'm just going to see if the ghoul is... Ah, ghouls. Are you going to get another chomp on the neck? That's what I'm predicting. Yes, ghoul neck on the... Oh, no.

Maybe. It bites you on the other side of the neck. Oh, that's all right. It's just going to bite your skull. Nine points of damage. Oh, sick. And then it digs into you with its claws, tearing wildly. Fuck off.

And from that, you take five points of damage. So, 14 damage total. Dropping you down to seven. Yep. Good. What do they see? Did we just see him disappear? Give me a tick.

Adam, I need answers. He disappears, yeah. Oh, God. So can they hear me if I say anything? You can't hear them either. Like, as in last time? So they, all right, so I'm just going. Yep.

They are unable to hear or see you. Do we, what's the go here I'll go purple Red I'll go Halloween Halloween's a good colour I've always been a fan of that dice I bought a pound of dice recently

I just remembered How exciting I'm excited for it to arrive Growing up Proud little boys growing up Zammit bye I mean I guess bye We have no healers No We got nothing Proud little boys growing up. Ah, Zamit, bye. I mean, I guess bye. We have no healers. Not?

We got nothing. All we got to rely on is sleeps. Well, really, like, if we can wear him down a bit. Leave, nap. Have a nap. Come back in. Come back in. Wear him down.

Leave, nap. We just chip away. Chip away. Chip away, mate. We basically, like, when you're playing, like, Skyrim or Oblivion. Head bump. Uh, okay. Paper, scissors, rock. I win. you're playing Skyrim or Oblivion... Head bump. Okay. Scissors rock.

I win. Winner, winner, chicken dinner. Basically, in Skyrim or Oblivion, you're fighting a bad guy. You just find a corner where they can't hit you. Yeah, yeah. That's the plan. Glitch him out. Squim?

Oh, yes. You're first. Why did you play for Scissors Rock? We don't know. They tied on initiative. Oh, I see. I tied with Jackson on initiative. Well, I just assumed that bad juju is going down

and I'm going to save my boy. So I just... Fire wildly? No. You wish. I just kind of go charging in. Rather than save me. You're like, ah, charge charge in you step into the room and then the

near pristine room becomes the destroyed desiccated room it it really is you're like oh man that's bad oh shit a dust blight except you don't know what it's called you can look at the picture though tomb goblin oh it's it really does have a bit of sarlacc kind of mouth it looks like um it's looks like a chomping butthole. Yeah, like that mummy pose. By the way, for future quests with a chomping butthole, great name for a tavern. Oh, yes.

I will write that down. Welcome to the chomping butthole, fella. So I've run in. Do I now have a move to do? Yeah, you can attack if you want, but you're in very close range with it, so you'll need to make a concentration check or it gets a free hit.

So we'll do that quickly now. Oh, do you want to just cast... What do you want to cast? I guess I want to cast... Be Grasping Head. Earth and Grasp. Yeah. Earth and Grasp.

That's interesting. Although I wonder if because he's a ghost boy that it might go through. I don't know either. That's a ghost boy risk. Because he was doing a sand dance before, so he loves sand. I don't know. He was born in the desert. Come on down up from New Orleans to quote Captain Beefheart.

Maybe I'll earth and grassman. I'll earth and grassman. Because then if he's wrestling with a hand, he can't attack. Yeah, we can all take pot shots from him. Pass the concentration check. So the hand bursts out from behind it and tries to grab it. I'll go greeny green. Another fractal grapple, ladies and gentlemen.

Best kind. Fractal grapple bonus. No one's grappling anyone. The hand grabs the creature around its torso and tries to drag it back. It's successfully grappling it. Oh, yay. Nice. Got him.

And then it is Shane's turn. Can you command the hand to go away and drag him? No, he can't move. Damn. Can I attack him or is my knight's code all stupid? No, you can attack. Is my knight's code the fucking worst? It's okay.

You can attack. It's fine. die. It's my night's code. The fucking worst. It's okay. You're going to die. It's fine. Oh, dad. All right. Get him good. www.dangod.com Oh, stabbing me in his butthole, man. Oh, where's his?

Why? Why is Adam? Adam. Adam should be banned from smiling. Why are you? Oh. Damn it. A critical, sad.

A critical, sad. A critical, dang it. Shane is dead oh no whoa that face is a worried face god look at his little butthole man he's like maybe i should kiss him instead oh my he's mouth is i'm gonna get in there one point of strength bleed so you know how when I say bleed damage you lose hit points every round so strength bleed would be every round

you lose a point of strength oh good so you swing wildly with your bastard sword but as you do that you expose yourself completely and the grappled creature kicks wildly as it's being dragged back.

And its feet solidly impact in your chest. You hear a snapping sound. And you know that you have a punctured lung and possibly a punctured heart. Oh, all right. Your strength is now 16. And every round, until someone makes... You can move, yes. I'm out of the room.

I'll be back. It'll get a free attack if you do that. Fuck off, it's being cunted. Being grappled. It's currently in the middle of a cunting. It unfortunately still threatens... You take five foot step back. And then you're fine.

You're safe if you do that. Yeah. Okay. So you're standing now in the doorway instead of in the room. Yes. The room returns to what it once was and you can't see what's going on inside Anton, give me a potion

I give you the last potion Anton, it's your turn, you want to move up and give him the potion? Did he not come to me? He can't come to you You're not nearly attractive enough And I'd like to also chill touch my chicken Alright, here's your chicken And I'd like to maximize chill touch my chicken. All right. Where's your chicken? Right there. And I'd like to maximize that spell.

Max damage always. And you want to send your chicken in? Yep. There's a ghoul man. He's a butthole man. Get the chicken. Get him good. Chicken's in the room.

Squim? Anton's chicken appears next to you suddenly and magically. Romeo! What are you doing here? Romeo, Romeo! Within the mirror world, I can truly speak. And you... Fuck off.

And Anton passes you a healing potion. A healing potion Will not stop this It needs to be a heal check So I will allow you to actually Make a heal check instead of passing I'll do that instead Cast a spell

Suck a fat deer You just leave me alone with a fucking ghoul It's okay it's being grappled Ghouls are entirely Later on in the dungeon Racists with a fucking ghoul. It's okay, it's being grappled. This isn't a ghoul. Ghouls are entirely... Later on in the dungeon. They're racist. They're all ghouls. They're all ghouls.

You basically go ghouls, orcs, giants. Tomb goblins. Okay, so... Beasts. It tries to break out of your earthen grasp. I'll go greenie. Greenie babini. It fails by a long shot.

It's still being grappled. It writhes wildly in the earthen grasp but it can't do anything else well you gotta give him a hand is what I say does Romeo chuckle Romeo is a rooster so it cluckles in the mirror world I can truly express

my mirth well I give it a wand of burning hands alright fucking burn it it fails so max damage woo

oh it fails oh great yeah yeah yeah cooked man you you always hit yeah I'm good

I'm pretty great he's been doing pretty well yeah he's got skills also you fucked yourself with spells so yeah you had good spells then you decided you wanted ventriloquism and mirror image instead He's been doing pretty well. Yeah, he's got skills. Also, you fucked yourself with spells, so. Yeah. You had good spells.

Then you decided you wanted ventriloquism and mirror image instead. Look how handy they've come now. Yeah. I mean, look at that. We fixed the puzzle once. Wait, does message count as the same thing that mirror image and ventriloquism are? I'd have to look it up. I'm not sure if the time is right. Otherwise, I might not have had one of the necessary spells.

When I was designing this dungeon, I made sure you had the necessary spells. Gloss over it. Gloss over it. We move on. Gloss on over. You deal 12 points of fire damage with your burning hands, bathing both the earth and grass,

which can take damage, but is fine. Don't worry about it. Sorry, grass-fee! And it gives me a thumbs up without letting go. Not a problem, boss! When you make the mouth with your thumb and finger. Yeah, so you deal 12 points of damage to both

the creature and your earth and grass, but your earth and grass can tank that sort of shit just fine. It's a toughie. Then it is... Shane's turn. Can I heal check and drink a potion? No. Dang. You can only do one.

I will heal check myself. Get rid of that. Before I heal wreck myself. Yeah, you're out of harm's way for now. So, good news, bad news. Yes. Which would you like first? Bad news always.

Bad news is before the end of the round, you do still lose another point of strength. Dang. And the good news is you will not lose another point of strength next round. Hey, neat. Oh, that's good. Is this permanent? Is this permanent or do I take a rest? It's damage, so it heals at one hit point a day.

Oh, good. So two days from now, you'll be back to normal. If I... If we last that long. All right. If. And I want to walk back in... No, no, I don't. I just want to stay here If I... If we last that long. All right. If. And I want to walk back in... No, no, no.

I'll stay here. I'm going to drink the potion. You've got this, right? Squim? Yeah. As usual. You can't attack him just yet. As usual.

He's got a turns warning. When it breaks out, it'll have to wait a turn before I can attack. So Shane has a turns warning before he has to deal with it. Bloody lemon squeezy. Anton? Shane. Squim. What the fuck is wrong with it. Bloody lemon squeezy. Anton? Shane.

Squim, what the fuck is wrong with me? Can I chill touch my chicken again? It hasn't released its spell yet. Your chicken attacks. It is able to touch something. And it's maximized as well. Highs or lows? Highs.

Your earthen grasp. Your earthen grasp takes six points of damage and one point of strength damage, making it weaker when it tries to grasp. Okay, so it did it. Yeah, cool. It passed a check to not get all the damage? Because I maximized it. Yeah, I know. Oh, wait.

It's a d6. Yeah, six damage. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. A d6 damage maximized to six. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My bad, my Yeah, I know. Oh, wait. It's a D6. Yeah, six damage. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. A D6 damage maximized. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My bad, my bad, my bad. For some reason, I thought it was doubled. I don't know. So, six damage and one strength damage to your earthen grasp,

which now is actually starting to look a little weak. Okay, so this might fuck us good, but can I roll through and rave in feeblement? Why? You can't see. Yes. Actually, I don't know what's going on in there, so it's fine. And I've been told.

First off, why? Your chicken returns to you. Thank you. Oh, wait. Does he count as undead? The creature? Yes, he does. Disrupt undead.

Wow, you think he does. Well, yeah, then... You'd have to step into the room, though, to see. That's fine. Five, ten... Bam! Disrupt undead. Because nobody else is undead, so if it misfires, it's harmless.

Fuck yeah. Highs or lows? Highs. You hit the creature. It's fine. You deal one point of damage to the creature. I fucking want this game. But you weren't going to hurt anyone else.

That's the important thing. So. Did I just get magic wrong? Like. I made a useful character and you ruined it. That's what happened. I'm using your spells.

No, no, no, no. My spells included searing light and a level two combat spell. Yes. Yours do not. Yes, sir. We're sorry.

Okay, now it is. Fuck, I feel like I'm a teacher telling off a child far beyond when I really should be telling them off. I feel like you've been punished enough, but I can't give you an A retroactively, unfortunately. No. It's turn. It tries to break out. Green. It successfully breaks out.

Of course it does. Dang. That's its turn, and your Earthen Grasp can try to reacquire it now, which is your turn. So, we just roll again. We're going to stick with green, you know. It reacquire it now, which is your turn. So, we just roll again? We've got to stick with green, you know. It reacquires. Hey! So, yeah, it breaks out of the grapple,

and then the earthen grasp just grabs it again. I love earthen grasp. I know, he's your mate. I wish you could have him walking along on its fingers just with you the whole time. That would be fun. And you get to do your turn as well. Oh, cool. I just quickly look around the room and see,

can I just see the fucking cog? Like, is it just sitting in the middle of... If you want, you can take your turn to just scan the room. But that's your turn. That's my turn. It's worth it. Well, the only other person in here can deal damage is you, so I just feel like it's you.

I've got this trapped undead. Maybe you could scan... No, I'm going to stick to my combat guns, and I'm going to... It'd be interesting if you solved this puzzle while the Earthen Grasp is just holding this thing in place. I'm going to burn the Earth. I'm going to burn the boy. All right.

Burn the boy, fireman. Cook the lad. Cook the goose. It passes, which means it'll take half damage So I think I know how this dungeon This puzzle room works, I've got theories So on my turn I'll just take a gander round 16

19 damage Half that, rounded down Is 9 damage to the creature And your earthen grasp Is destroyed Blossacks What will happen to our heroes Nine damage to the creature, and your earthen grasp is destroyed. Ball sacks. Uh-oh.

What will happen to our heroes without the protection of their earthen grasp? Find out next time on Buried Beneath, a D&D is for Nerds adventure. And now, episode one of the Plumbing Boys Play slash Ruin Sunless Citadel, a D&D exclusive for all Hero and King subscribers. Welcome to episode one of The Plumbing Boys Play slash Ruin Sunless Citadel. The three of you are in a town known as Oakhurst. Oakhurst is a sort of sleepy village, maybe about a thousand residents in total. In the town, there are, well, there's a village hall, general store, a shrine.

There's a bunch of basics. But the three of you are currently in the Old Boar Inn. Run by a male human by the name of Garen. Garen. He serves food and drink. And on occasion, he does rent out a few rooms, which

you guys would probably maybe in exchange for a performance are renting. I guess we're going to go around and juice ourselves. Okay. So now I am a half-elf bard. I am good for alignment. I'm male.

I have very tired eyes. I'm a little bit average height, hefty, and I have heavy hair. Heavy, heavy hair. I believe I'm a little bit average height, hefty, and I have heavy hair. Heavy, heavy hair. I believe I'm a sage, but I'm a discredited academic. I don't know what that I did to decide to have that happen to me. I do know Draconic, and I've written down Gobbo as my languages, but I'm assuming that's Goblin. I saw that.

Yeah, well, of course, because we said Goblin. You just wrote Gobbo. So I'm not quite sure what I did, but I'm assuming it's something goblin. I saw that. Yeah. Well, of course, because we said goblin. You just wrote gobbo. So I'm not quite sure what I did, but I'm assuming it's something to do with gobbos. Something involving the gobos. The gobos were somehow, like, they were involved. Yeah, yeah. So we'll work that out a bit later. And as of, this is fifth ed, I have my personal trait, which is that people are trying to steal my secrets.

I have an ideology, which is my ideal, which is logic. So fuck emotions. My bond is my students, my boys. And my flaw is that I like to speak what I'm thinking. I don't really care if I hurt people's feelings. What's your name? I'm also, I'm playing a Zamit. I'm playing, I'm playing Zamit.

Yep. My name is Jackson Bailey. My alignment is neutral evil. I'm a bard, as we all are. My background is hermit. All my business, all that background shit, became a hermit because I needed some quiet. I'm a real serene dude.

I believe in knowing thyself. Still seeking that enlightenment. Clearly my little hermitage didn't quite work. No. And I'm debaucherous because I forgot about the goods of the mortal world. And when I came back, I was like, oh, yeah, shit, yes, ham. Yeah. I got a couple spells.

We all got some spells. Oh, yeah, I'm portly. I'm average height. And I got shifty eyes and medium hair. And I'm also a forest gnome, which is good. Best kind of gnome there is. That's what I hear. Hi, I'm Joel Dusha and today I'll be

playing Joel Dusha. I am a half-orc, a bard, as previously stated. My alignment is chaotic good. My hair is light. My eyes are soft. My height is tall. My weight is chunky.

It sounds like it's going to be a riddle. My height is tall. My weight is chunky. Tell me, friend, what smells so funky? Is it me or is it the monkey? That's a very easy riddle. Fitty, fitty chance. You got it wrong both times.

that's a very easy riddle 50-50 chance you got it wrong both times gee I believe you're a folk hero do you? I'm a folk hero there it is

which I forgot to write down and I'll write down right now I'm always happy to lend a hand to other fellas I am bound to my destiny what my destiny is hard to say but Christ am i gonna follow it

i haven't seen my family in years and wish to contact them but haven't don't know where they are and unfortunately my downfall is that i'm blinded by smugness so any astute listeners might be right did they did they just create dD characters based on themselves? Yes, yes, yes. Wait, what? I don't think anyone's wondering that. Me and Jack created Dusha's character. Dusha and Jack created me. And me and Dusha created Jackson.

Yeah, that's good. That's good. We also, as bards, we have bardic inspiration. So what is that? Bardic inspiration is, it's an ability. Each of you get it a number of times a day equal to your charisma modifier. So Jackson, you get it once an ability. Each of you get it a number of times a day equal to your charisma modifier. So Jackson, you get it once a day.

Dushu, you get it four times a day. Zamit, you get it four times a day. Sick. Yep. And what happens is you spend an action basically performing one of your chosen instruments or such, and you grant someone else for the next 10 minutes a chance to

roll a 6-sided die and add it to any roll that they've any 20-sided die. That's alright. That's massive. 4 times a die. My chosen instrument is the schwamm. It looks like a hog instrument. It looks like a wangus. If you're blowing into a wang and it makes noise

that's what it is. I really like to imagine yours is carved in the shape of a pig so we can call it your hog pipe or your hog flute. I'm going to write that down. I'm imagining it made of the tusk of a boar and carved. It's his hog packer. It's his hog packer. It's his hog packer whistle. Oh, a hog.

Done. My chosen instrument is a pan pipe, which I'll play at every opportunity. Attute listeners will recognise as the world's most annoying instrument. I'm disappointed you didn't get jug. That would have been good. I like to imagine on every, you know,

like a pan pipe is several hollow chambers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like on the hollow chamber, one will have me carved with my hands apart, and then the next one will have them together like a clap, like it's like clapping a lot, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, I know what you mean. That's what I'm imagining. That's what's going on there.

And my instrument of choice is the saxophone. Oh, the sexiest of all instruments. Fuck yes. Some people will say it's the guitar. They are wrong. It's the saxophone. Oh, the sexiest of all instruments. Fuck yes. Some people will say it's the guitar. They are wrong. It's the sax. Sax followed closely by a French horn. And coming in third is the guitar.

Guitar, unfortunately, comes in at ninth on the 2017 sexiest instrument ratings. Yep. Yeah, that's who we are. That's what we're about. We're all around this, yeah, performing, who we are. That's what we're about. And we travel around. Yeah, performing, I guess. At the old bore.

At the old bore. We just get up on stage and we're like, hey, man, like, have you ever noticed how centaurs, they go like half human, half horse? Like, what? How do they fuck? You don't get any laughs. Yeah, I know.

That seems fair. Like, not a single goddamn. Because effectively what we're doing is incredibly racist humor. Hey, you, central. How do you fuck? And he's like, what the fuck, guys? Came here for a nice night. Your body's weird.

Have you ever noticed how elves drive a cart like this? And dwarves drive a cart like this? Get off the stage! But no, you garnered no laughs over your performance tonight oh man that's funny because i something i forgot to say is that i'm a folk hero because an angel gave me a blessing that angel has clearly fucked me in the comedy department yeah rude angel look that's angel blessings rarely are like you're good at comedy I've come from the gods mine made me a folk hero

that's pretty good alright Zammett you're trying to get a gauge of the crowd why they're not laughing is it a race thing nobody getting our amazing everyone's thinking them it doesn't seem like anything you guys have done Is it a race thing? Is nobody getting our amazing fucking...

Everyone's thinking them. It doesn't seem like anything you guys have done. There just seems to be a very somber mood to the tavern. Like someone's died or something like that. Okay, let's talk about mead. Hey, guys, if you could make mead out of anything, what would it be? It's my own suicide. Am I right, boys?

Let's kill all the cobbles. They're a mess. Juice the cobbles. Make a drink out of them. Juice the cobbles. I try and get everybody in a rousing, like in a chant. Juice the cobbles. Juice the cobbles.

I play a little song. You seem to have hit, struck a chord. People start chanting. Juice the to have hit, struck a chord. People start chanting. Juice the cobbles. Juice the cobbles. For the next half an hour, I just go real heavy into the racist overtones of cobbles.

Oh, no. You get booed off stage. Oh, no. Oh, fuck. Wait, just Zammett or are we still on stage? Well, just by standing next to him If Zammett's off stage The crowd is turning against you guys as well You can try to stay on stage if you want I'm going to try and stay on stage

Juice the Cobbles, guys Do you remember the Juice the Cobbles? They hated the Cobbles Dooshur, you're able to stay on But Jack, in trying to defend Zammett You maybe also say some of the racist gear he was busting out. And someone just... He got clocked in the side of the head by a mug.

Alright, I'm getting a... Whatever. Fuck this crowd. I thought they had a cobbled. I'm so sorry. Dude, you're the only one still on stage. Play the sax. Quickly. Alright. Hey, everyone. Sorry about that. that anyway just to finish tonight's set uh hands

up who wants a tight five all right and hands up who wants a saxophone solo no one seems particularly interested but they don't think they're gonna boo you off you don't think they're gonna boo you off stage if you do all I'm going to go with a sax solo. Play Baker Street. Yeah, I will. You very poorly play Baker Street. Like it's recognizable as Baker Street,

but it's not a great rendition. I'm going to go to the bar. How much gold do I have? You have five gold, I believe. How much is a bit of chicken? A bit of chicken? A meal will set you back... Well, if you want chicken and sides and stuff,

a meal will set you back a simple... I'm happy with just chicken and a dipping sauce. In the background of Baker Street, just still playing? Am I wrong? Am I playing it on a loop? The equivalent of either a chicken parma or popcorn chicken? That's why I just asked

for a basic bit of chicken. I'll call it five copper for both of you. Yeah, five copper. And a bit of salad. You don't need to worry about your gold. I'll do that for you.

Thank God. Oh, sweet. That's real good. Well, we bombed. Another night of bombing. Okay. Not great. Okay, so... What can we learn? Yeah, well, I think... Well, we bombed. Another night of bombing. Okay. Not great. Okay, so... What can we learn?

Yeah, well, I think... Well, I... Sometimes the racist humor works. Sometimes it doesn't. I thought we had them on so I could juice the cobbled. And I thought they were like... That chant was good. It was just a juicing thing.

Sometimes I think maybe crowds just enjoy chanting. Yeah. Oh, quickly, before we continue as well. It's very important because, like, more so than literally anything else you guys will do in this game, you need to pick if it's winter or summer. And I'll let you know that if you pick the wrong one, there's only a bad ending.

It's just mediating how bad it's going to be from that point onwards. Oh, man. Summer seems like the smart option. But that might be Let's just summer Summer's nice The plumbing boys get sweaty in D&D So yeah if you picked the wrong choice We literally just shot ourselves in the foot

It's just how sad it's going to be I don't know if plumbing with a star Can Kind of relate to D&D So I think we're like a Plumbing still exists Plumbing exists to D&D. Plumbing still exists. Plumbing exists in D&D? Plumbing exists in Roman times. Romans were kind of advanced

with aqueducts. Plumbing's been here since back in the day. Goat cow. Do you think there was such a thing as a plumber back when people shut out windows? Yeah, I don't think there's plumbing. In some places. Is aqueducting a common thing no maybe some places okay so fixing fixing all right what's it that's a big we're not worrying too much about where this is happening

what's a big like a beholder fixing the beholder fixing the beholder layer all right sure plumbing the ancient elven poem, a death star. I'm sure there's probably stories or poems about stars of death. Fixing the Beholder's Lair. I think fixing the star of death is good. I know this happened a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. I just even think surely there's a story somewhere

where they're like the great star of death in the sky is going to come down and reign. Stars of war. Because I like stars of war. Sure. Fixing the stars of war. Done. Anyway.

Garen, before he walks off to get your meal, he says, don't be too concerned. It's not really your fault. It's good to hear. Circumstances about the town. In the background, you were just here. Thanks, guys. Good night.

Circumstances of what now? In the background, you were just here. Thanks, guys. Good night. Circumstances of what now? Don't get too involved, man. Just avoid the story. I don't even know what to do. This will be like a two episode. I've joined you guys again. I'm a bit sweaty because I just

ripped out a massive sax solo. That was very good. It wasn't great, actually. I got four claps. I'm a bit sweaty because I just ripped out a massive sax solo. That was very good. It wasn't great, actually. No, it's okay. I got four claps. I counted. Like, you're off key for the majority, but it was alright. Like, I had a good time. I think most people were just impressed that I had a saxophone.

It's very rare you see a brass player play a saxophone. It's good. Well done. I should probably sell this. No, no, no. That's our meal ticket, Tusha. As in, like, eventually when we buy that Paul, we're gonna need to sell it.

Let's not sell it now. It's literally gonna be our ticket for a meal at some point in the future and I look forward to that. I don't know. Fixing the stars of death will, uh...

I'm sure it'll pay off eventually. Fingers crossed. Anyway. Just gotta get a more anti-cobbled crowd. Look, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. I feel like I think what I know my paper was on. I just feel like cobbles are like an inferior gobble.

Uh-oh. If you can study the skulls of a goblin and a cobble, you can see that the cobble has the inferior skull shape. That's a smaller brain pan. I'm with you, man. Anyway, is that chicken here yet? Over the course of your conversation, Garen comes out with both of your meals.

Dusher, would you like a meal also? Garen asks you, Dusher. Yes, Garen. I will have your finest also chicken dish, please. Just what they got? Yeah. Just five copper. So what do you reckon we could improve got? Yeah. Just five copper. Sick.

So what do you reckon we could improve here? Garen. Garen. Garen, what do you think we could improve here to get some more like... Yeah, it was a good turn up, but I feel like we kind of lost them towards the end. What do you reckon?

Any tips on us? Around here or just in general? Just in general Maybe around here Constructive criticism I don't take offense to this but your saxophone solo Wasn't amazing You do need to practice I know you said don't take offense

But I'm going to level with you Garin I'm offended You know what a compliment sandwich is? It's like when you're hiding an insult I don't know what a sandwich is You don't know what a sandwich is You don't know what a sandwich is That is an invention that we have yet You want to eat bread and meat, you eat them separately

You take a bite of one and a bite of the other You know when you're eating your meat And your hands get all greasy To prevent that, you put that meat in between Two slices of bread, so it's easy to handle Joel Zammett, Earl of Sandwich Well in the future I guess we call them Zammets. The Earl of the Air.

Delicious. Delicious. A ham Zammet. Can I have a delicious ham Zammet? So, look, if you want, you can put that on the menu. That's just from me to you. Ham Zammet sounds like a decent meal. It sounds nice.

I'll have a ham Zammet. Thanks. You want that toasted? A little bit. Toasted ham Zammet. So, when it comes to const you know, constriction, he's like, you know, look, here's a good thing that he did, and then there's a bad thing, and he ended with a good thing,

so you don't hurt this poor half-orc's feelings. Yeah. I feel like you made it extra complicated by explaining to me what you, like, the thing that was meant to explain something. All right. Yes. So you want criticism, but you also want me to tell you nice things.

Compliment, criticism, compliment. Yeah. Alright. You just kind of take the edge off of things. You know, our egos aren't that great yet. It's not your fault

because people in town are stressed about, well, an illness passing through. Illness stressing, alright. You're not great at the saxophone. Hurtful.

And a bunch of the You're not great at the saxophone. Hurtful. And a bunch of the local cattlemen are having trouble with their cows as well. Cows. Is that related to the illness? How sick is everyone? How is it related to my saxophone? Should we just cover our mouths?

What's the go? As long as you don't get too close to someone who's sick. Either of those things meant to not hurt my feelings, Garen? I'm saying it's extraneous circumstances affecting people's minds. Here's why we've got a place to stay. Thanks a bunch, Garen. How do we know if they're ill, Garen? Sorry?

How do we know if they're ill? They'll seem like a motley yellow. Hair falling out. It's not... Well, it's sometimes lethal, but... Is it just passing through? Just like, oh, it's one of those bugs. Is that what's going on? It happens every now and then.

Just a miasma going around. What time is it? Probably coming on like eight. Okay. We finished our set early. Yeah, well, nobody was liking it. We usually finish during a couple of hours. Probably started at like eight. Okay. We finished our set early. Yeah, well, nobody was liking it. We usually finish during a couple hours. Probably started at like six.

Oh, then we did a perfect set. Man, we only got like two hours and then they started booing us. So I think that's a win for us. Two hours of no claps, but two hours. But like, hey. Anyway, I'll eat my chicken, you know, enjoy it. Okay.

The three of you just have nice meals. Like I said, around you, people of the town seem quite depressed. There's a group of people in one of the corners, like a bunch of men, all having like a hurried discussion. And in another corner, you can see a bunch of women, possibly the wives of those men. And a bunch of them are sobbing. It's grim here. Everyone seems sad. What the fuck's happening?

Guys, I just want to double check. My saxophone skills, they're all right, right? I think they're pretty good. I couldn't do better than that. Well, yeah, but you can't play the saxophone. Yeah, but a little bit of practice. It's just the thing is that you just don't practice. Yeah. Well, I just didn't think

I needed to yeah but that's that's the problem like every week we're like hey if you practice you're like I'll do it on the night

and like and the night comes and you're like ah he should have done it on the road like what were you trying to was that like

was that Baker because I did not what was that it was Baker Street really yeah oh I got it

but like I knew that's what you were going to play so like I think that's what that was how like if I didn't know you were going to play. So I think that's what was happening. If I didn't know you were going to play, I wouldn't have known. Me and Zam are practice arrow instruments.

That's all I'm saying. He plays the hog pipe. You hear him hog pipe it every fucking day. Hog pipe. That's a good hog pipe. I know. I got it carved. Look, I'm just a bit worried because, look,

I was told by the angel that gave me a blessing that I have a destiny and I must achieve it. It's probably not the sacks. I mean, like, I just figured I would achieve it because, like, I'm pretty good. Yeah. At most things, if not everything. I mean, I guess there's critics to everything. Well, yeah, but, like, you become good at things by practicing these things.

Okay. I just wanted to check. I mean, you guys would be honest with me. So I was pretty good, if not great. But it was lost on the crowd because of the miasma. All three of you notice when the doors to the tavern open and a very well-to-do looking lady steps in. She's of an older stint, maybe like in her 60s oh nan age nearly 70

love her nan uh and she's wrapped in like nice furs uh she has a like not a fancy headdress but expensive somewhat muted clothes she's wearing like a lot of blacks she walks in and as she walks through she starts like talking with people um i'm going to down my chicken, be like, I'm going to see if I can get me a sugar mama. And slide on over to her. I look to Zaman, I'm like, well, it's going to give us material. That's true. It will be worth

the story. As she leans against the bar and starts talking to Garen, you slide on next to her. She's ordered herself an elven wine. How you doing there? I like a woman with a bit of a bit of next to her. She's ordered herself an elven wine. How you doing there? I like a woman with a bit of age on her. You having a good night? Like I said, bit of age on her. I was going to say a bit of crust on her.

Like I went, I thought. She gives you a sideways look and then leans past you to look at your companions. Don't worry about that. You're not from around here, are you? No. No, I'm from out of town. Adventurous? Bards?

Bards, yeah. Not quite adventurous. Not quite, but sometimes. You see, you gotta make ends meet. This is not the conversation I wanted. If the need arises, she says. I can take that as flirting and be like, yeah, if the need arises. says i can take that as flirting and be like yeah if the need arises give her a sneaky wink she says that's good um it's good i have a need of some adventurers oh

well are you looking for money um didn't notice that kind of arrangement but if needs must yes actually I did want a sugar mama yes I am looking you know for a kind of deal here a kind of you know all of this just into my gnome body my portly gnome body

for you know well if a handsome gnome such as yourself could assist me in something in a matter a very very personal, close matter, I would be eternally grateful and would be very willing to reward such a person. I'd like to, like, look down the bar to these guys, give them the thumbs up. I'm here. Whatever you want, darling.

My name is Kerouin Hersreal. Kerouin is something I'm very fond of. What's that? Hursreal. Hursreal. Would you like the spelling? No. Yeah, why not?

K-E-R-O-W-Y-N. Jesus. Surname. Yeah. H-U-C R-E-L-E Come on now She reaches out her hand

As if for you to grab and kiss I do, achante Give her hand a lick I do Has she got any rings in her hand Adam? I suck one off and then put it into her palm In a very sexy and saucy manner There's nothing more erotic for a woman

Than having a man suck the ring off And then spit it back into their palm Especially a gnome So little With the slippery, slimy tongue that only a gnome possesses, you deftly remove one of her rings and spit it back into her palm. She seems somewhat disgusted. Give her a sneaky wink after that, though.

So she cannot help but be impressed by your display. That's some dexterity with your tongue there, mate. That's pretty amazing. be impressed by your display. That's some dexterity with your tongue there, mate. That's pretty amazing. I'll go over to them sobbing women and try and cheer them up with my amazing observations about kobolds and gobos.

And maybe just like, maybe how they relate to orcs. Yeah. Maybe like a unified race kind of opinion, and I'm trying to teach that. The kind of thing you maybe don't say when old gel douches are around. Yeah. Did you say our races? Yeah, I did. Well, good. The kind of thing you maybe don't say when old Jalduj is around. Yeah. Did we say our races? Yeah, I did.

Well, good. Half-Walk. Not far from here, there is a place known as the Sunless Citadel, a castle that has, through some calamity, sunk into the depths of the earth. depths of the earth. If you could travel there and retrieve for me the possibly only the

signet rings, but if they are alive, my children Talgan and Sharwin. Talgut? Talgan and Sharwin. Talgan, Sharwin. They wear matching signet rings.

If you can bring me these rings, or if they are alive, though they are presumed otherwise, I would pay you handsomely 125 gold for each signet ring, and double that if you can bring them back alive. Well, then. Oh, no more eating just chicken. 125 gold is maybe more gold than you've ever had at one time. Yeah, yeah. Let me just chat to my compatriots, Carowind.

Perhaps the townspeople would pay for, well, there are many things in the Sunless Citadel that need doing. But if you wish, you can speak with Garen or some other people about town, and they could possibly offer you a reward themselves for some other things. I'll sidle back over to you guys, giving her like a wistful goodbye. So long, my love. So, can I have gone to the group of sobbing women before that? Uh-huh.

And just be like, hey, do you like the show? What's going on? Why are they all so upset? Seems like someone died, huh? So what's going on here? One of them gives you a very morose look and says, the illness sweeping through our village, it doesn't always kill, but it kills the young and elderly.

We're mourning children. Did you lose a child, I say, with that kind of emotion? Several of us have lost children. That must be horrendous, I say. Usually we need not worry about such calamity, but this year we weren't able to scrounge up enough money for the goblins. The goblins, you say? Yes.

Once a year, around now, My interests are piqued. A goblin tribe living in the Sunless Citadel nearby. It's an awful place. Okay. Really? Sunless? I guess Sunless is dark.

Okay. Fair enough. They come to us bearing a weird fruit from a tree we believe they cultivate in there. If you eat these apples, these fruit, it confers amazing health benefits and can cure the sick. Usually when this sort of stuff happens, we gather together whatever money we can and we pay the goblins for these fruits. How much are the apples? We usually pay about 50 gold per apple. 50 gold an apple? That's a lot.

Those are some expensive apples. This year we haven't been able to manage much money. And, well... You lost a kid. Yes. So you need apples. We try growing trees from the seeds that the apples produce. But we believe the goblins steal them in the night.

They grow to sapling size, but then just disappear. So it's like a secret these goblins have, how to create these apples, you say. They hoard this knowledge and these magical apples to themselves. Someone should definitely go in there and take this for themselves. Yes. Yes. Yes, go on. Joel take this for themselves. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Go on. Joel, douche. Yes. Garen leans across the bar. You go to the Sunless Citadel. I just wanted to give one to each of you. I thought it would be funny. Yes, Garen.

What? A lot of the locals would appreciate it if you did that. I'm just trying to eat my chicken, Garen. This seems out of... I mean, tell me more. Tell me more, Garen, but... Note that I am confused. You're a half-orc.

You look like you can take care of yourself, so do your compatriots. Okay. That's a big ask. You did not look at us well enough, G but that's fine yes we can look after ourselves if you do it i'll let you stay here for as long as you like permanent residence no run wait hang on backtrack a bit what am i doing for you just go into the sunless citadel that seems pretty easy there's a goblin tribe down there uh-huh the goblins i think are attacking people's cattle at night because of that people are afraid to let their cattle go out to graze.

Because of that, people aren't growing as many cattle as they once were. Because of that, my larder is quite small. I've got a scheme, boys. All right. All right, Garen. The three of you reconvene. So. Yes.

I'm in Yes With a nan It's a go-go Also, we go to this sunless citadel place And bring back some rings for some kids Muchos bank for the boys Alright We can finally buy those new stones to whisper into

Yeah Send them out to the different towns Yeah, well, first off, I'm not in Because most of them are in mourning And that's going to be an uphill battle and too much work for me However Apparently there's a bunch of little gobos coming around Selling fruit that heals the sick

Apparently there's seed you can grow them from They tried to do that But the gobos just come in and steal them back So, we go in there Get the knowledge off them, grow some trees Sell them for profit Fuck off this, in there, get the knowledge off them, grow some trees, sell them for profit, fuck off this, you know, fixing the Star Wars bullshit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was sitting here trying to enjoy chicken and then Garin just started gabbing away. Classic Garin. I don't know what he was saying. I don't know what he was saying. Something about fucking goblins? I don't know. No, yeah, anyway.

Bit of side, fellas. It's strange that we've all been given a story about the sunless citadel but Garen was crazy clearly bored at work you know if I

you know thought this town was cleverer I'd assume this was just their ruse to get us out of here they were just working together to send us well see I was I was confused to why

like people didn't clap more but clearly they were all just uh uh consumed consumed by wanting to talk to us one on one I was confused to why people didn't clap more, but clearly they were all just consumed by wanting to talk to us one-on-one. Yeah. And too intimidating as a three-piece,

but one-on-one is so approachable. More approachable. Yeah. Yeah, anyway, apparently... Especially me and you. Not him. Me less so. That's my face.

We have gnome faces, you know what I mean? You've got things in your beard right now Bit of chick Oh it's the thing I was chewing on Both in game and out of game It's the tag from a shirt You put it straight back in your mouth Back in it goes

That's actually just disgusting Jax It's from the shirt I bought today Not two hours ago Oh plastic It's hygienic that plastic tag has had a fucking life before you saw it and after you saw it it's having it's life after I saw it

as we speak in my mouth so yeah apparently speaking of goblins and the sunless citadel apparently goblins have been popping up, attacking people's cattle, and fucking over Garon.

Gannon. Garon. Garon. I have a quick hunch. I go over to the guys who are chatting together, having that hush conversation. Hey, boys, what do you need from the Sunless Citadel? While we're going.

Are you going there, one of them says? Oh, yeah. Well, if you could bring back... I saw you speaking with my wife at the other table. Sorry about your kid. Or kids. Or nan. Or nans? Yes.

Well, if you want to stop that from happening To some of the other children around town It would be very helpful If you could retrieve If you are an adventurer If you could retrieve the fruit The fruit one again Same thing as what your wife was after Yes

Get on stage Hey everyone So me and my Cool. Get on stage. Hey, everyone. So me and my boys, Joel Zama, Joel Dushy, we were on stage before. How are you doing? Yeah. We're in the corner.

You can go chat with them, whatever. We're heading to the Sunless Citadel later on. Maybe tonight. Maybe tomorrow morning. If there's anything you need from there... Just raise your hand. Just put your hand up. Now, come see us.

We'll be at the Bar Eating Chicken. Please come say hello and tell us what you need From the Sunless Citadel We'll do our best to grab We're going anyway Might as well Do you have any rocks or capes

You want us to sign We're happy to do that Yep Alright Enjoy your morning Yeah And I'll go back to the bar On that note

We've been Fixing the Stars of war Stars of war There it is I sit back down to the bar sans pantaloon presents

what adventures await our brave heroes find out next time on the plumbing boys play slash ruin sunless citadel thanks for listening

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