D&D is For Nerds - Cult & Worship #1 Arrival at Port

Episode Date: December 9, 2023

Our heroes, knights of Carceri, arrive in Fairburn Port where something is amiss and no one is above suspicion. Longing de LosAngeles spots a suspicious guard with a strange talisman, Pom Penny Farthing explains how you might not know him but you will have heard of someone he’s related to, and Drifting Snowflake plots the murder of multiple characters.Keep up to date with the Jarren's Outpost Board Game by heading to jarrensoutpost.com or checking out all the links here!Want ad-free and even more bonus content? Just check out Imagination Adventures+ on our website or on Apple Podcasts! Music by the ever wonderful Lepidora, you can check out her music here. And head to peddlerspress.store to peruse our D&D themed merch store and help support the show! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem. You're listening to the Sandspants Network. A very hurried and frantic letter has been sent to the Knights of Carcerate, begging for assistance in a place called Fairburn Point. This letter insists that there is a corruption affecting the highest members of society, Fairburn Point is, as far as any of you are aware, a quiet posting. Somewhere where not much of interest, if anything at all, happens. Fairburn Point, a large city, one of the only capital cities on the southern coast

of the nation of Kandor, has never been in the history books for anything other than its two main industries, fishing and coal. You are knights of carcery, friendly to the crown in Kandor, and sent here as you are always welcome in anywhere in kandor a knight of your order has been sent ahead of you a informatore a spy

basically to gather information his name is umo g Gerald Latham. You are aboard a ship called the Gallant Rider, captained by Tenete Iko Hika, who is your commanding officer. A captain, essentially. A quite high-ranking officer, though the three of you are but a small force under her command. Speaking of, who are you, Tom? Hello, I am yearning de Los Angeles,

but all my friends call me Yearn, so everybody calls me Yearn. I am a lizardfolk. I am a little gila monster. He became French there. Yeah, I'm a short king, baby. I'm a little lizard folk

gill monster. I have a little pot belly. I have short legs and short arms and a long tail, and I trudge around in a cape and a battered hat and sort of light armor. I'm a monk. I've trained with the Monastic Society of Book Bros

who are basically all about gains and brains. You work out the biceps while you work out your brain-seps. And they've taught me a love for muscles, which I do not have, and a love for books, which I do love. But I can still fight. I just don't look like I can. Can I ask, are you aware you don't have muscles? Oh, very much so, but I can still fight because I've been trained as a monk, so it's not all about if you're good with the brain,

you can be better with the fists. Okay, okay. I didn't know there was a sort of thing where you're like, yeah, look how buff I am, and everyone's like, what the fuck are you talking about, dude? No, no, but also I have an ability where I can summon gigantic buff arms out from my body. Oh, hell yeah.

I can astrally project huge biceps. So I do. Okay. Yeah. So I'm an agente, so I'm a low-ranking member of that. And I'm also an informatore, a spy. But that is not what I want to do. I yearn to learn.

I want to be a prenatore so bad. A researcher. A researcher for the Knights. And at every opportunity I can, I'm like, I'm doing some research. What do you reckon? Could I be promoted? No? Still a spy?

Okay. The reason I'm a spy is because I'm a short, fat lizard who wears a disguise. So the cape I wear and the hat I wear, I lower the hat, I pull the shawl up, and I have a quarter staff that looks quite knottled and gnarled. And so I just look like an old man. Oh, lovely. Because I shuffle around. People just think I'm a weird old beggar.

And then when it's time to fight, ha-ha! Let us go! Very good. Beautiful. Thank you. Damo. Hello there. I'm Pom Penny Farthing.

I'm a hill dwarf. You might know some of my family. They were a big family of fighters. My pa was Balthazar the Butcher. You might have heard of him. My gran was Sue the Slaughterer. She was quite famous also. And my great aunt was-

Also a butcher or? A butcher of a kind, mostly of other people and that sort of things. I was afraid to hear that. Yeah. And then my great aunt was Sue the serial killer, who was also known for her embroidery, but mostly for the serial killing, if I'm being honest with you. I'm not much, I got taught the family trade, so I'm being honest with you. I'm not much. I got taught the family trade, so I do know how to swing an axe.

I know how to fight. But it's not really my cup of tea, if I'm honest. My cup of tea is a cup of tea. I love that. I love going for a walk, me. Saying that, I did once. Well, look, I accidentally murdered a person. So that was, well, it was actually quite

good. The person in question turned out to be a tyrant. Uh, everyone was quite happy about that, if I'm honest, uh, until his brother, then his brother who, who basically decided he wanted to kill me and he has an army. So, well, I thought to myself, I thought, Pom, you better start walking then. So I headed West and made my way to the Knights of Carceri. And yeah, that's where I've been ever since. That's Pom. Beautiful. Pom sounds fantastic.

And I cannot wait to be best friends. I think it's very funny that your uncle, who is the butcher, is kind of the black sheep of the family. And then finally, Connie. Hello, I am Drifting Snowflake. In informal settings, you may call me Snowflake, but when formality dictates, I prefer

my full name, Drifting Snowflake. I am a Tabashi, which is a cat people, a leopard. I am a snow leopard, humanoid form. I have big, swole arms. I carry weapons. I have a cape. A little bit of everything. I am a... We are the arms. I carry weapons. I have a cape. A little bit of everything. I am a… We are the same.

Yeah, well… Yes, Prince. This one has hungry eyes already, I can see. I am part of the Evading Monsoon clan. I once failed years ago to evade a monsoon. I was separated from my family and for years and years I have searched for them. I love stories.

I love artifacts. I love to piece them together and I'm trying to find my way back to my home. And that is why I am now an agente in the Knights of Kassiri and I am trying very hard to find my family. I do not trust a single person in this world because you may notice I have a beautiful fur pelt.

Look at the spots on here. I have 75 different spots on my pelt, each one different to any other tabashi you will meet. And I know I judge people by the way their hungry eyes look at my spots. And this man over here, this yearning man, We're going to be best friends, huh?

He looked, every spot I rank from 1 to 75, he looked hungrily at number 75 and that is how I judge people. I like all of these spots.

They are very good spots. What does number 75 look like? 75, it is sort of near the anus. And it is a little dot, but kind of separated. It's almost 76 dots, but it's just a little sort of. Near the anus, not.

Near the anus. All right. Yes. Is that my eye level? What do you expect? I'm looking right at it. There it is. Adventure.

Okay. Eye level. Wait, are you small sized? No. You're just down there. All right. I don't know, I guess he's bigger than me I'm a short king That's right, you are a short king I'm a medium size

Medium swole king Big swole, yeah Big arms Probably similar size to him Yeah, you and me Which is not, I want to clarify That's not what lizard people are They're normally

Normal sized Maybe a bit bigger even Yeah They're quite me. I want to clarify, that's not what lizard people are. They're normally normal sized. Maybe a bit bigger even. Yeah. They're quite sleek, I should imagine. Yeah. I think drifting snowflakes' arms are kind of like Russell Crowe in Gladiator. Yeah, yeah, nice. Just two big slabs of meat.

Yeah. Great. So not necessarily like the hard definition, just meat. There's a little definition. There's a definition, yeah, yeah. But the boy can lift. Okay. The boy can, if he could do anything, the boy can lift.

All right. You're pulling into port on the, as I said previously, the Gallant Rider, the ship that you've come on. There are a bunch of other sailors on this ship, but none of them are actually properly part of the Order Knights of Carcery. They more just work for the Knights of Carcery. How friendly are these sailors, Adam? I mean, there's a bunch of them, so I'm sure some of them would be more talkative than others. Do they have, like, a level of respect for the Knights?

Yeah. Because we are Knights? Absolutely, yeah. Okay, sick. Great, okay. So we can make friends with them. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. Great.

I've made five friends. Okay, that's fine. Great. Write them down. What are their made five friends. Okay, that's fine. Great. Write them down. What are their names? Okay. Okay. What are their names or what do I call them?

What do you call them? So there's Sweetheart. Sweetheart? Oh, no. That's actually his name. Okay. Sweetheart is his name? Sweetheart.

David. David 2. Number four is lustful eyes. You love a can I ask? Yes. You love a I know 5 people one of them is named David 2.

I sure do. Jonesy? You should have added David 2 without a David. Clipper. Clipper? Yep. That's 5 brother. You can stop there. Clipper 6. Did you get lustful eyes? Is it Clipper or Clipper Clipper Yep That's fine brother You can stop there Clipper six Did you get lost for lies? Is it Clipper or Clipper six?

Clipper number six I've known many Clippers Okay this is the sixth Clipper That you've known Yep And so then do you just Did you say to Clipper like I'm gonna call you Clipper six

You're Clipper number six Okay Because you're the sixth Clipper That I know Am I the only yearning That you know? Am I the only yearning that you know? Yes, I thought so. You might be yearning too, actually.

Oh, this is very exciting. I would like to meet this yearning. Actually, no. No, sorry. I am yearned because we are friends. Okay. Sorry. This is going to be every interaction we have with an NPC. Just so you're aware.

Tenete, Rank, Iko Hika calls the three of you onto deck. The four of you in total are the only Knights of Karsari on this ship. And once you arrive at Fairburn Point, it will be you plus Geralt Latham, who is, as I said before, he's the informatore who was sent ahead of you. All of you will be under Icohica's command in the end, though. She's a pretty high-ranking, pretty well-respected

member of the Knights of Carcery. This might be the first time you've ever worked this directly beneath her. Typically, there'd be, like, someone else in between, just because of the rank difference. This is a big deal we are working with. My understanding, she says, is that, well, I know for a fact we're expected,

though the locals know nothing about Gerald Latham. So do not mention him at all when you're interacting with the locals. I'll be staying on the ship for the most part, keeping lines of communication back with carcery secure and also managing to things on the ship, she says. She gestures behind her and you can see you hit some pretty bad storms, monsoons maybe even, some might say.

Some bad experiences for you, I'm sure. Oh my god, Zartak. You hit some poor weather on the way here and one of the main sails is pretty badly splintered so the tenete is probably going to be handling that for the most part i leave it up to the three of you to investigate this at least for the moment uh once we make port, you'll be speaking with the captain of the guard, she says, consulting her notes, and Tanya Gideon, the court wizard. And Tanya? Tanya and Tanya Gideon.

Court wizard. Okay, yes. I should flag something with you guys about my character. Yes, Sean. He very much enjoys stories and information and learning new things. He does not hold on to them. Okay. Okay.

This is great. I'm a knight. I'm a hammer. Fairbone Point is aware of this infestation within their nobility, and so you'll be expected to deal with they've constructed some little court of hangers on and whatnot to deal with, they've constructed some little court of hangers-on and whatnot to deal with this problem. Do not, she says, consider any of them above suspicion. Nobody is innocent

from darkness. Absolutely. Well said. Thank you. In any case... I heard. I heard. In any case, I're not used to that well said. I heard. I heard. In any case, I expect the three of you to keep the idea of Khasri in mind and remember that you are representatives. Kandor and Khasri are very friendly and we would like to keep things such a way. We will do no skirmishes unless required. And so, excuse me. I raise my little dwarf hand.

So they know we're here, suspicious of them, they know what we're doing here, the mobility and such? Yeah, we work closely with the locals. It's a lot easier when you have their support. There are several types of knights that you'll be meeting. We work most closely with the knightly orders rather than with any political structures. There will be knights of the cloth and knights of the crown. Knights of the crown are loyal to the king. Remember that. Not only should they not be

considered above suspicion, but they are not interested. They should not be considered friendly to our goals, merely friendly to the crown who tolerates us. Captain, question. Yes. Who can I fight?

Rephrase question. Who am I allowed to fight? You can fight anyone you deem worthy of a good rousing. That is so many people. Oh, that's everybody. I'm surprised you don't draw a weapon on me immediately. I did look to you immediately. Dan fight you, for fun. Then there are knights of the cloth,

the other order that you can expect to encounter. Knights of the cloth serve the gods. The gods. Gods. Gods. They serve the gods. Hey, they serve the gods over here. Hey, these gods were serving them over here

Knights of the Cloth I know she spoke infernal Shut up Knights of the Cloth serve the gods And at the gods disposal They will fight Which makes them natural allies of ours So

Obviously No one is above suspicion But should you meet a knight of the cloth, you can consider them. They are less under suspicion. Yes. Which gods is this? There are many gods,

although the human pantheon would be most prevalent within Fairburn Point. You might encounter gods of the pantheon in general, but the most popular ones are gnomes and penia, who form the patriarch and matriarch, respectively. The moms and daddy gods. I turn my nose to these gods. The big mom and the big dad, I like that. Should you see any symbology of a blind man,

that's gnomes, who is a leadership type figure within the pantheon, and then if you see any sun symbology, that's penia. What are the symbols of the Neerduels? Well, they could be any.

The note was given to us anonymously, so we're not even sure who it is who's trying to contact us. Though, be aware that they might try to make contact with you when you're in court, so keep that in mind. So we're meeting up with Gerald Latham.

Yes, he's our informatore already in the town. He's been there for a few days now, so hopefully he's had some time to gather information. He knows to find us at the Gallant Rider, which is partially also why I'll be staying at the ship. I'll meet with him directly and disseminate any information he gives on to you. We do not blow his cover.

Okay. Just one informatore to another. We do not blow his cover. Okay. Just one informatory to another. We've got to protect one another. So, any questions? Yes. Go on. What is the possibility of promotional materials from the successful outcome of these investigations? I'm very good at investigations.

Iko Hika looks at you with a very dry expression, and she says, play your cards right, and things will be considered. Things? Usually they're not considered. Oh, this is yearning to Los Angeles day. Do we get paid in this line of work? There is no formal pay structure. You're kind of given what you need. So you'd be given a stipend, which, to be fair, might have some money in it,

but it would be mostly the supplies that you need to live anyway. I send mine back to the monastery. Okay. My surname is De Los Angeles to the holy order of Santa Monica Pier. Not Muscle Beach? Yeah. Oh, Muscle Beach? Yeah.

They were by the Muscles. The monks of Muscle Beach. That's it. Thank you, Damo. That's my Holy Order, the monks of Muscle Beach. Okay. The gallant rider, as I said, makes dock. The workers on the ship are a flurry of activity

getting everything ready. Goodbye, David. Goodbye, David 2. Clipper 6. Well, I'd say everyone except Sweetheart has their hands full. So Sweetheart comes over

and she gives you a big hug. It is good to see you, Sweetheart. You visit me at the Monk's Tavern when you get a chance. Can I ask you a question? Yes. Are you horny or just horny for friendship?

Yearning. Life. I think he's- I'm yearning for life. All right. Yeah. I just want to know if you slay in the bedroom. But part of yearning for life is horniness.

Yeah, I think there's a good chunk of that. Oh, yes. Yearning in Los Angeles is a friend to many and a friend to many more. Okay. Okay. Okay. So kind of yes to both questions. Yeah, okay.

Yes. General yes across the board. Yeah, yeah. As you're docking, you can see on the docks, you can see there's a small group of people gathered. It's members of the town militia. You can see people with probably whose job specifically is town guardsmenman which is not an

especially common thing in a medieval world so to see this many people with swords and armor is kind of worrying i suppose okay in their group you see a half elf she wears very classical sort of purple robes with stars that's a wizard yeah that's the biggest wizard i've ever that one is the wizard i think she's got a dress like a wizard i see what you're saying it's very much she's got an old knobbly gnarled looking staff where one end is a foot and the other end is a hand holding a globe that's cool and there's dick he's just as narrow as mine. Standing next to her is a man who he is also wearing armor, but the regalia on his armor, well, that he has regalia obviously indicates that he is someone of importance. You assume he would be head of the town militia. As the gangplank is lowered, he speaks first.

Ah, there you are then. Knights of Carcery, eh? Is he the oldest man in the world? No, he's about your age. He would be in his, like, maybe mid to late 20s, mid 30s-ish. Someone's been hitting that pipe too hard, if you ask me. Colonel of the Matrix Revolutions, he says. Fucking Adam.

Pleasure to make your acquaintance. His name is... Okay, what's his first name? His first name is The. And his surname is Matrix Revolutions. His middle name is Matrix. His surname is Revolutions. But he likes to be called by his full title?

You can call him Colonel Revolutions. you can call him colonel revolutions you can call him colonel the matrix revolutions you can call him sir can we call him the you can't call him that you're not that friendly with him does he have any family that also have matrixy titles you'd be shocked how many people have such a name okay you it's kind of almost the Smith of my world, if you will. This is my daughter, Reloaded. And this is my son, Resurrection. That is a more common line to say than, do you need a hand?

This is my son, Reloaded. And this is our great-great-grandfather. Brackets, 1999, close brackets. This is Tanya Gideon, he says, gesturing to the half-elf standing beside him. She gives you a little curtsy and says, a pleasure. Adam, I give the deepest bow anyone has ever given. My nose is this far off the earth. I sweep my hat.

It is this bow. I'm folding in half. How many flourishes do you give her that hat before you get all the way. I sweep my hat. It is this bow. I'm folding in half. How many flourishes do you give her that hat before you get all the way down? Oh, no, it's very quick. One very quick movement. Oh, it's not like. But the bow is very deep. Okay, okay.

And I don't come up until someone acknowledges that I bowed. So if she doesn't say anything or no one sort of like gives me a response, I'm just staying there. Do you count curtsying in response? A response. You can't say, though. I've got little lizard eyes. They're googling

around. I'd say you could spot you see, if nothing else, the peripherally, you see the movement of her curtsying. I whip back up straight away like, I have been electrocuted. Ha! I have pleasure to make your acquaintance. You, Yearning, would not have noticed this because you were bowing so low,

but Pom and Drifting, both of you spotted that the Colonel gives a little hand over heart salute as well in response. Okay. So respectfully. Both of these people are being respectful. You're drifting Snowflake? Yep. Informally Snowflake.

Informally Snowflake. Never drifting. No, no, no. Never. Good to know. Oh, he's a cheeky fuck. Are we in a room at the moment or are we outside? No, you're outside.

Yeah, you're walking off the ship. I don't like that. If we're in a room, I'm standing in the corner of my back to the wall. I need to be able to see everybody. I don't bow or anything. I just nod. Hello there, I'm Pom. Mine's the smallest. His is the deepest bow.

Mine's the smallest ever nod. Barely perceptible. I am yearning to Los Angeles. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance. My friends call me Yearn, so you can call me Yearn. Well, I'll consider it. He's going to consider it. Lots of people considering things for Yearn today. Anyway, let's get the three of you going to considerate. Lots of people considering things for you today.

Anyway, let's get the three of you over to the keep. We've assembled. He turns around and leads. The militia all form a defensive perimeter as you walk through the town. You find this all... We left the captain. She's still on the boat. Yeah, she's staying on the ship. Cool.

You find this all very... The level of security is very, very high right now. What do you think, disguise? Do I go in like this? Or I go in like somebody else? It could be good. And now you're asking you? You're a knight, you're fighting?

Well, I mean, there's a few points, I think, when you say that. Namely, what's the point of your disguise at this point in time? Well, it means that people do not know that I am yawning in Los Angeles. I don't. Have you been here before? I don't think they know who you are. You've already introduced yourself.

No, just to other people watching. The locals. They look and see there's an old man with his knives, but no, no, no, no, no. I am not an old man. Tanya Gideon falls back a little bit so that she's standing, walking in among your midst as you're walking through the the fairburn point by the way is probably the most saddest looking city

that you've ever seen in a manner of every building has a light covering of coal dust from the the incredible amount of industry that goes on the So it's the town in Billy Elliot. That's the energy. Okay, yeah. I've never seen Billy Elliot, but yes. Okay. Was he hit by a monsoon? Are you asking this? Like of Gideon?

No, we have not been hit by a monsoon. This is just as Fairburn Point always is. Unlucky. There is also a distinct whiff of fish Pervasively throughout the entire town It is very fishy It's very fishy and very coal-y So it's coal you said, wasn't it? Yes, there's coal dust sprinkling everything

Which gives everything a Just get a finger full It is coal I have little black stripes already. Gives everything a muted quality. The colors just don't pop as well in Fairburn Point. And it stinks of fish. You see a lot, though.

There is a lot of industry that goes through Fairburn Point. The sheer amount of coal and fish that you see while walking towards the keep is astounding. Staggering staggering even. Anything sus. I'd like to be just, while we're looking, I'm looking. I'm looking for anything juicy? Nothing out of the ordinary? Well, a conversation is about to develop as Tanya Gideon wishes to speak to us.

I do love a conversation, Adam. I have never had the pleasure of meeting Knights of Karsari. Please, you must tell me, what is it like? The castle with the many imprisoned sorcerers and wizards? How do we trash talk wizards to a wizard? The castle is... Yeah, we got loads that we do. We got a chock full of wizards and the like.

Only bad ones, not ones like youards and the like. Only bad ones. Not ones like you. Only bad ones. Only bad ones. No, please. You do not need to worry about offending my feelings. I am aware of the nature of your job. You only hunt those who misuse magic. And the three of you make insight checks.

Is she lying? Is she lying? Is she lying? Adam, please tell me, is she lying? Pom. Yeah. Pom, you can see. You're the one who was the bluntest. Yeah, it's very funny.

Pom, you're the only one who spots as she's talking. Okay. She seems very, it seems like she's mocking you. Oh, interesting. The arrogance to her. Yeah. talking. Okay. She seems very, it seems like she's mocking you. Oh, interesting. The arrogance to her. Yeah. Yeah, okay. She's looking down on me,

which everyone does for Pom, to be fair. But him specifically? Yeah, only Pom sees this. Oh, bitch. No, no. Pom's the only one who sees it, but it's down to all of us.

Oh, okay. I think the knights, she's like, okay. Silly little boys. Okay. Can we kill her? I clock that. I clock that.

No. Okay. Let's hear her out. Can we kill her? We've known her for 30 seconds. That's enough sometimes. You didn't see anything, brother. All right,

well, I think she's lovely. Tanya changes the subject. Is there anything you wish to know about the people you are soon to meet? There is a council,

don't you know, to investigate this corruption within the nobility. What can you tell us about the corruption? Well, I have... I mean, this would be probably a conversation for when

the council is all together, and then everyone can input their own opinions and whatnot. Yes, yes, but I don't want all the opinions. I want yours. I might have a lead on what is going on. There it is. That's why we want your opinions. Turning French because I'm talking to you.

There have been strange magical fluctuations I have detected within the weave. I'm sure the three of you as experienced Anteas can feel it too. So, for Yearning and Snowflake, the two of you think this is just earnestness. Or you think

she's genuinely like, oh, you surely would be able to detect unusual magical fluctuations, your line of work. Pom, you once again, you are like,. Pom, you, once again, you are like, oh, she's mocking us again. She knows the three of you have no magical aptitude and she's mocking your lack of magical aptitude.

Okay. Does that sound fine? I choose not to say anything at this point. Okay. I could possibly pinpoint these fluctuations, but I wish not to do the encountering, certainly not without assistance. I would be scared to stumble upon a nest of vipers, if you catch my meaning. Actual vipers. Snakes.

We had a real load of them where I was from, down in the hills. Lots of snakes. Oh, yeah. There's a lot of rain and then a lot of snakes. I tell you, I understand. They can be a real hassle. They can. People think that I am snake because I do this.

Fully half of your jobs are breaking up snake cults. Oh, no. It is so common. They're like, you're snake. I'm like, no, I am lizard. I have little arms, little legs. You regularly get arrested by the Knights. So many times.

That's why I'm a good spy. I can infiltrate the snake people. And get captured. And get captured. But then I talk my way out. I say, it is your name to Los Angeles. And they say, oh. Or I say, it is your name.

And they go, ha ha, old friend. You're brought to the castle. It is a reasonably well-looking compared to the rest of the town, I mean. I mean, it's still got a bit of coal dust on it. It's such a bleak place. This feels like it's Klaus that Klaus goes before things turn around. It's also got big any Australian gritty drama town, like coastal town. There's probably been a horrific, horrific crime happened here,

and we saw it in the first five minutes of the thing, like Snowtown, but by the sea. Snowtown, anybody near the beach? I don't know. Speaking of Snowtown, snow begins to fall as you're making your way through into the inner gates. Does that make the town nicer because it covers up the coal? No, it turns into sludge.

Yeah, it actually just kind of mixes with the coal, yeah. Which one of you has the highest passive perception? I believe it is Yearning. Yearning, a woman, has been following you this entire time. You have seen her. At first, you were like, oh, you know, it's possible that someone was just walking in the same direction.

But she's been walking in the same direction for the same, for about an hour now. It's quite suspicious. Okay. She's obviously made an effort to conceal her appearance and that she is following you. You can see whoever she is she's like built like a brick shithouse she's thick so urine likes all types uh uh are we still in like that cluster

of knights yeah like we're still in that like there's a lot of militiamen yeah yes they're not knights crucially these are not upper class people neither we i feel we're just knights by title not by hey don't put yourself down mate come on we're freaking knights um i'm gonna attempt something out uh-huh okay i look i look to both of you and i just give you a wink. And then I just sort of like- Is your eye all right? I maneuver through like a cluster of the militiamen trying to like just appear as though I'm amongst them. Okay. And Adam, during that time, I pull my hat forward, I pull my cape into a shawl, and I go into old man mode. Is your eye all right?

All right, so that's a natural one. Oh, no, Thomas. You goofed. Are you sure, Adam? Could it not be a natural one? Now, I think, Tom, is a good time to gesture towards the middle of the table. There is a deck called Good Boy. Good Boy cards.

They are Good Boy cards. So they give you little bonuses that you can get or whatnot, you know, little powers and whatnot. Now, I am very glad that I've waited until you failed a roll to do what I'm about to do. So a good boy card can turn a failure, potentially can turn a failure into a success. That's true.

But all of them have different powers. So there's no guarantee that any specific card there might be able to help you I'm going to let the three of you draw as many good boy cards as you want they're little bonuses, little good things for you like right now you can draw as many as you want

it's going to be a fucking awful catch but for every good boy card you draw I will draw from the bad boy deck a card that hurts you. I'll take that. Give me the whole deck. That will be utter chaos.

I feel like two each gives him six cards, and that doesn't feel like three each. That gives him nine. Who cares? We've got nine. Garni is great. I love this. We'll have nine as well. You've got to ask, does good outpower?

Outpower? Overpower bad. We'll find out, I think, during the course of this campaign. And I think the answer will be no. Three piece? Well, I mean, you could grab two. Yeah. Although it's not a like

if I grab three you're using three against me I have three against you give me ten fuck you fuck you

I don't trust any of you I don't trust any of you that would be so funny are you actually going to take ten no I feel like I can't do it you can

you can do it you can do it if you like I can't do it to this boy he told me one good story you can do it if you like to me

what are you most comfortable with? Do you want to go two? I think two or three is handy. How else can we earn good boy cards? Just by taking- I think live on the wild side. I think live on the wild side. Three each.

If you- We're knights, goddammit. Yeah, we're strong. If we go on three, I might as well take four. I'm carrying a sword. What, you say four? No, no, no, no. No, no, no.

Five each. The guy who said ten seconds ago. Get them out of your right head. We're at ten each. Let's do it. No, no, no. Five each. The guy who said ten out of your right hand.

We're at ten each. Let's do it. You can earn more good boy cards through good role playing or if you do something particularly cool or, I don't know, just as a reward. An arbitrary reward dictated by you. And in that situation, you won't pick up a bad one? No, no, no, no, no. I only get bad boy cards on very specific scenarios

because otherwise I'll be like, that was pretty funny. I'm going to get a bad boy card. I really hurt you guys. Bad boy card for Adam. I'm a bad bitch. Specifically if you roll a one on a skill check. So you're getting one now anyway. Well, yes.

Unless you get something to re-roll the one that you got. What skill was that that I failed, by the way? It was a stealth roll. That is something I am so good at. Yeah, unfortunately. I get a plus five. So you're picking up a bad boy card for that? Unless there's something that makes this a re-roll,

unless you re-roll this somehow. You could still succeed, but I will get a bad boy card unless you re-roll it. Let's take three each. So that will be nine versus ten. Because he's going to get one anyway. Potentially. Unless we re-roll, in which case it's nine versus nine.

And Sean, I like those odds. Three each. Yeah, okay. I mean, I'd go more, but out of respect for the time. What do you have? A thing called Home Remedy, which is remove one condition affecting you. I can re-roll an attack that I missed. That's unfortunately not an attack.

No, and I can re-roll a roll of savings for an attack roll for an ally using your appropriate modifier. Which is cool, but does not help me at all right now. Yeah. What did you get, Damo? I got Heaven and Hell, which is until the start of your next turn, change the type of damage you deal to either Radiant or Necrotic. Right tool for the job.

You coincidentally have the exact tool required to complete a task. The DM may still require a roll and the tool will break after being used or not dead yet. If you are unconscious and need to roll death saving throws, you may gain the benefits of a short rest. That's a pretty powerful card. That's a good one. I like that. Yeah, that's probably the most powerful one so far. I got seriously ready for anything. Choose where you go in initiative.

Loyalty card, the next merchant you make gives you a discount and walk it off. You regain hit points equal to the 1d10 plus your level. That's actually literally based on the second wind ability. So it's basically an extra use of that that you got. Oh, that's a good one. I have drawn.

Oh, no. And he's going to get one. He's already drawn that. Oh, so we find out now what you've got. Yeah, I'll let you know. Dark and stormy. A violent storm suddenly rolls in. Well, that's already happened to us, so you can get rid of that. It's so we find out now what you draw. Yeah, I'll let you know. Dark and stormy. A violent storm suddenly rolls in. Well, that's already happened to us, so you can get rid of that.

It's fine. Toss that one aside. That's fine. An offer they can't refuse. Trade a bad boy card of your choice for a good boy card of your choice. Of your choice? Yeah, it's okay. That's all right.

Don't panic. So wait, would we get the bad boy card? Yeah, you get a bad boy card. Oh, that's juicy. That's juicy. Heal or burn out burnout roll twice from any source of healing and take the lower result overtired players receive minimum healing from arrest that's annoying he's gonna do that to us wait i feel like i regret our decision immediately

like almost almost instantly this one's funny because it's directly in opposition to Connie's one. Price hike. The next merchant the players meet charges double. Leaky magic. The next player to cast a spell loses two spell slots instead of one, but it does 50% more damage. None of us have magic, so we're good. I think your

key points count as magic, my friend. They don't. Six cents. All NPCs may act in a surprise round. And then as magic, my friend. They don't. Six cents. All NPCs may act in a surprise round. And then my trio, my beautiful trio. And it has two heads. A creature gains an extra attack, and

it knows magic. A creature gains the ability to cast a single spell, and it can breathe fire. A creature can breathe fire. You're going to use that on one thing, aren't you? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. This is one monster right here.

I think compared to everything he got, mine are fucking shit. Do we get one more each? Can we do that? Can we do that? All right, fine. After you, Tom. After Brooke, I suppose. This is so dumb.

This is not a good idea. Ah, that's annoying. I got a reroll, but on a constitution-based check. It's called Sturdy as a Dwarf. All right, I got I'm pretty strong for my size. I may reroll any strength-based check with advantage. That's pretty good. I studied at the finest colleges, you know.

You reroll any intelligence-based check with advantage. Okay, that's good, too. Cool. I got expired good boy card. A player of your choice loses a random good boy card. Oh, this is. Which I'm going to play now. Oh, shit.

But it's random. You don't get to choose this one. Maybe we should pick another one. No. I feel like I'm not. I haven't got any good ones yet. He's got another card. Three more.

Sean, you've got some good cards. Before we do that, the three of you pick one of you to lose a random good boy card. Take one of mine. All right, take this one. I don't know. Take one of Sean's. Which one? What do you want?

Walk it off. Loyalty card. Seriously ready for anything. Got to pick it randomly. I also got quaking in my boots Which just can make one of you Frightened as the condition You have lost I studied at the finest colleges

That was a good one And voided warranty A magical item explodes Oh okay I'm gonna put it out there I think we're fucked up I'm not taking any more good boys I'm not gonna let you out there. Yeah. I think we're fucked up. Yeah. I'm not taking any more good boys. I'm not going to let you draw anymore.

This is too much. I'm not going to be able to keep track of all of these cards. How many weights? Have you ended up with... Have you ended up with... Yes! His brain's spinning over there. 10, 11.

I've got 12. You know what? I'm going to spend another one. Yeah, we win. I got a... A magical item explodes. Something nearest blows up. This is just because I couldn't sneak into that crowd of people.

It's because you're all the fucking D1, you idiot. An offer they can't refuse. Trade a good boy card for a bad boy card. You know what, Connie? Here, let me give you something. Let me give you something. Ooh. You-

This kid loves a bad boy card. You give me any one of your good boy cards. I don't mind. You can have the loyalty card. All right. I'll see if I can use that somewhere. And you can have the dark and stormy card. And call it a monsoon.

Yeah. You call in your own damn monsoon this time. I can call a monsoon? Yeah. What if I find my family? His eyes just lit up. Calling a monsoon, your family appears. Oh, my God.

A very different game begins. Okay. Fucking hell. So I failed that roll. Guys, this worked out pretty well. I'm happy you're happy, mate. Monsoon season, baby. I need to clarify.

He still has like a dozen bad cards. It doesn't matter. And a good boy now. One monster is going to get freaking powerful. I also just want to put it out there that I've played some campaigns with Adam a few times over the stretch. I don't think Adam has ever had that many good boy cards at any point. Bad boy cards. Bad boy cards.

Oh, well. I can call them on soon. And I'm pretty good except for the one time. I'm pretty good at evading them. That's good. Just going to say it. Okay, right. I can't believe I failed my one thing that I'm good at.

This is sad. I'm excited. Look what that little thing did. Yeah. Don't know why I regret it. Yeah, you should regret it. We should. We should listen to him.

We should. What, me? Yeah, you. I wasn't aligned. I think we need to take the rest of the goodbye cards off the table. I don't want to trust this guy. Don't like looking at them. No.

Seriously, get them away from me. Yeah, so basically I couldn't successfully sneak in amongst those guards. Did this stocky woman notice his failed attempt? Did she pick up on anything? I mean, everyone noticed. I just tripped and headbutted into the back of one of the guards. Are you all right there? That looked very embarrassing.

It was a little embarrassing. Both of you fall over in a crash. The town militiaman looks around at you and goes You alright mate? I am very embarrassed but mostly okay Are you fine? Bloody hell He starts dusting himself off

Trying to stand up You nearly killed me there you idiot Are you stoked he called you mate? Yes because then he called me idiot Yeah it's a real big smack My brain is a whirlwind of confusion As you're getting back up He seems very upset Then he called me idiot. Yeah, it's a real big smack. My brain is a whirlwind of confusion. As you're getting back up, he seems very upset.

He's very upset that you've bowled him over. You see that he is grabbing at a medallion that has spilled out from underneath his armor, and he's tucking it back underneath his armor. Do I recognize the medallion? You don't recognize the medallion, but it's a disc made out of wood and carved into it. It looks like just a mass of tentacles. Oh, fuck. He's a bad guy. So I've got two choices here, boys.

I either let him know that I know. Risky. Or I make sure I take in this man's face, Adam, and I commit it to memory. I think you're a spy. Like, that's your whole role. Correct. You give it up. I am very sorry.

I'm overzealous, excited, new in town. You know, I have sincere apologies. I will buy you a drink. Yes. Yarnwall when you're back. And we will be friends. I don't want anything from you, mate, he says, standing up. I, if anything, the only thing I want right now is to be done with this job.

Let's get you to the damn castle. Okay, my friend. We don't know this is named, do we? We didn't get introduced to this guy. No, you didn't get a name. In fact, at this point, Colonel Revolutions has noticed that something is wrong and he turns around. Everything all right back there, boys? I am sorry, Colonel Matrix Revolutions.

I have got a bit clumsy. I have a friend here. Pump it to him. All right, all right. Back into formation, then. Is the wizard still with us? Yeah, she's still here. Tenny, I am very deeply embarrassed.

I would like to write a letter of apology to this man. What is his name? She looks over. The militiaman has kind of melded back into the group, and she shrugs. I do not know his name. The colonel will know, yes? Presumably, yes. I will ask the colonel for this man's name and address so I can post a letter.

Yes, that is what Jörn will do. The woman who was following you peels back into the crowd as well. So I don't want to alarm you, but we were being followed by a big buff woman. Very buff. Maybe beautiful. I would like to assume beautiful. Very beautiful. She was following us.

She has worked out this, and she has worked out these. Is that why you took your embarrassing tumble? Yes, I was hoping to move into the crowd and make a disguise of myself. However, I have learned even more information. You failed spectacularly. No, I was hoping to move into the crowd to make a disguise of myself. However, I have learned even more information. You failed spectacularly. No, no, no. See what looks like

a failure to you, drifting, is actually a win for yearning. Oh, he calls him drifting, you son of a bitch. You know, see that night

that I bumped into the grumpy man? Yeah. He was wearing a necklace and he did not like that necklace being revealed to everybody. It was a wooden pendant about the necklace. And on that, he did not like that necklace being revealed to everybody. It was a wooden pendant about the year big.

And on that pendant, tentacles. What do you reckon that means then? You don't like his fashion choices. No, no, no. His fashion choices are fine. He's wearing an armor. He's not wearing a cape or a hat. That is fine.

Where did he go? He's in amongst the, he's still there. He's just up ahead of us. I nodded him. I want to steal this pendant. No, no, this pendant, not for that. Oh, I want it, though. This corruption we are investigating, yes?

Tentacales are involved. Always tentacales. Always tentacales with dark magic involved. All right. The other 50% is tentacle creatures. So we best keep an eye on him then, I reckon. I will keep an eye, but I just thought I would share information to my two night friends. That's good.

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