D&D is For Nerds - D&D is for James #2 An Expected Chase

Episode Date: February 13, 2016

D&D is for JamesIn which our heroes play an imaginary card game while they play an imaginary game of Dungeons and Dragons. We meet Bismark, give an introduction to how combat works and just end up pushing everyone into the ocean. Hya has no concept of money and ends up paying way too much for literally everything, Buckle learns about critical hits and Gurg has the worst of both worlds. So join us as we have a serious bonding experience over a poker table. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio, my fists are bleeding. sanspantsradio at gmail.com, and you might be working with Adam very soon on a little side quest action. And one last thing, if you like what you're hearing, head over to sanspantsradio.bandcamp.com, and you can purchase the rest of this adventure, as well as a few of our other things, completely ad-free, and every purchase really goes a long way in helping us keep doing what we're doing.

Now, enjoy the show. And if you want to come see Zanspans live, you can on the 18th of Feb at the Eureka Hotel in Richmond, Melbourne. Entries are basically free, so come on down and enjoy the funny. Welcome to the next installment of D&D is for James. Previously... Previously... I'm playing Gerg Froats.

He's not smart. I am Buckle Tough Nickass, named by Jackson. I wish I had thought of it. I'm playing Hg Froats. He's not smart. I am Buckle Tough Nickass, named by Jackson. I wish I had thought of it. I'm playing Hyal Longfellow. Due to your sense of dread, I will allow you to name your three retainers. Guys, help me count. I want three that rhyme. Mark, Bark, and Dark.

Nice. Where's a place a fella can have fun in a city like this? Let's find us a brothel. You're right. Okay, here we go. I'm having a good time. I just wanted Dungeons and Dragons. I haven't seen either. This is it.

This is it. The game has started, ladies and gentlemen. The game has started. Some theft has occurred at a tower. They don't have any details about it, like how the person got in or how the person got out. And for some reason, that's super surprising. He got a drink thrown in his face, but he's letting it go.

Good for you, God. I'm going to continue my tribe. I'm going to go upstairs with this here prostitute. I'm a powerful magician. I can offer you all manner of magical curiosities. Immortality. Bring back my dead tribe. Clothes for yourself.

I just need you to retrieve my gem for me. Okay, who do we kill? You find a cloak that does not look like it belongs to the gnome. On the way uh... On the, uh... On the way to the sewer... Sorry, I'm still stuck up on you guys killing that man. We didn't kill him! Okay, anyway.

Happenstance. Anyway. Manslaughter. Is that a great... Sewer great. You go down... You're in a thriving, like, bustling city street, except for the fact that there's sewer

running in the middle of the street lovely now lads this has been a disgusting adventure so far unwashed gnome sewer but that's fine let's find some thieves don't like it don't like it

ok Sue Buckle like it. Okay. Sue, Buckle, you probably might know a couple people in the guild, but you don't know if they have one central location, like a building that they operate out of. It might be something you want

to troll for information in a tavern in, or contact your smuggler friend and see if he can help. Contact? Yeah. Contact the smuggler friend. see if he can help. Contact? Yeah. Contact the smuggler friend. Okay. So you happen to know that he probably, you know a tavern that he frequents, which is in the under city.

I'm going to avoid taverns because of the women situation. I guess we're going to a tavern. This one is just a tavern. If there's no chubby women, I'm not interested anyways. I let Jackson name his followers. So do you want to name your contact? Sure. I'm not good at i let um i let jackson name his followers so do you want to name your contact sure uh i'm not good at this jackson what am i looking at this for bismarck i love it you're really good at that well i mean that's i mean it's that's a matter of opinion

it really is it really is so you find bismararck drinking pretty heavily with some sailors in a tavern. Great. He turns around. He's got like, he's sort of a larger gentleman, you know? And you can't tell. Do I swing both ways? No. You can't tell if his rosy cheeks are because of his constant alcoholic,

because of his constant drinking, or just a factor of his like sort of large-ish size. He gives you like a merry sort of shake of the hand and says, how can I help you? Okay, I got this cloak, right? It's got no pockets, to my knowledge. I will give you this cloak

if you can tell me anything about this cloak. That's good. If you don't, it's gone in the sewer. I can't say I want a cloak, mate. Okay, sure. Are you looking for the owner of the cloak? Or are you the owner of the cloak? Yeah, the owner of the cloak.

Narrow it down, do you know anything else about him? I know that he's probably some kind of thief. Do these guys nod? I nod. He stole a thing. He stole a diamond from a diamond. If you know what a diamond is, that would be way better.

Could have the middleman. Overexplain everything. Almost to the point where it's like... Can you tell them about the diamond? Yeah. Are we going to get mugged? I think we're going to get mugged. I don't have it on you.

Yeah, but, you know, throw in the word diamond around the undersea. Well, yeah, you do probably say that and then Bismarck's like, not here. Is there anything you recognize about this cloak? No, I don't recognize it myself.

But if you think this belongs to a member of the Thieves Guild, I could put out some feelers and see if I can find anyone who's missing a cloak. Also, diamond like that, you know what'll be super hard to do? Get it out of a city. You know who's good at getting things out of a city

and knows people who's good at getting things out of a city? I don't. What I'm trying to say is if I hear anyone trying to smuggle a diamond down... Thank you, you're so helpful. That's what it is, man. What I'm trying to say is if I hear anyone trying to smuggle a diamond down. Yeah. Thank you. You're so helpful.

That's sweet as, man. They're friends. My bloody main Bismarck. It's just what friends do. You know, friends like help each other out. That's right. Friends are like, hey, Adam, you're running a D&D game. I'm not going to fuck it over. Not at all.

Adam, it's a bit weird to have on the adventure. I fucked a fat woman and now we're having the adventure. You're secretly trying not to tell them that you didn't get your pants off. I love them that much. You're like, the belt came undone, and you're like, let's just sit here for ten minutes.

I don't want to go, you know, too early. I think I didn't do anything. It's such an entrance, I don't want to go, you know, too early. I think I didn't do anything. It's such an entrance, I don't want to... She's like, maybe do you just want to sit here for an hour then? You're like, no, no, 10 minutes. 10 minutes is still respectable. Do you want us to return?

Do you want us to hang around? It shouldn't take me long if you just have a drink here. We'll mill about. Anything you guys want to do? I see hungry food Are you like hungry food? Just point it at me Is there any way my half-orc friend

Could get a bite to eat? Are you talking to this guy? He's like getting up and leaving You can eat here Alright If you like rat burgers You can eat here Alright I mean like If you like rat burgers I don't

Three rat burgers For me and my friends I'm going to call that as like two copper per meal I'll give him a gold So I just minus two No no he just paid a gold Rat burgers all around. Are you sure we can do better than rat burgers?

If you're going to pay a gold. Have you got any chickens? I guess we could do chicken. A roast chicken for each of my friends. Well, no, actually a gold. Yeah, fair enough. Three roast chickens. Best thing you can get.

You'll get three roast chickens and an ale. Ah, hoedown on that motherfucker. That sounds so good. Three roast chickens. Best thing you can get. You'll get three roast chickens and an ale. Ah, hoedown on that motherfucker. That sounds so good. That sounds amazing. It's not that good. Remember where you are. We are eating sewer chickens. They're not sewer.

Well, probably, Adam, they'd have been raised in the sewer. Maybe they're not sewer endemic, but they would have been raised in you. Unless they were bought somewhere else. That seems like a hassle to bring them down to the undercity. Does it seem a hassle to buy them above city and then bring them down here? Or does it seem a hassle in a sewer with limited room to have a chicken coop?

You tell me. You have a chicken coop. Yeah, you need a lot of room. Yeah. Fine, yeah, fine. Chickens like sun. There you Fine. Chickens like some. Chickens enjoy the sunlight. I'm hoping for some sewer chicken. If you want it.

It's fine. If you want, we'll go out, dip the fucking chicken. In the sewer. If it makes you feel any better. If it makes you feel any better. While the chicken... There is just a smell permeating the area of sewerage.

Because it's a sewer. That does make me feel better. I ate my chicken. Yeah, I ate my chicken too. You all have your lovely meal and in under an hour, Bismarck is back. He's got like a 23, no,

6 days and 23 hours left Oh no We've just been leisurely We've just been leisurely eating a chicken Guys He's got like a little note for you He hands it to you That's a couple names

There are three potential people that this could be Three people who haven't shown up recently And three people who Like to wear cloaks like what you got. Also three people who have spoken about this said heist. They're the same three people? Yeah these three people all have a common factor of haven't shown up recently at the thieves guild, like to wear that type of clothing. Notorious cloak wearers. Well, they just own that type of cloak. Notorious cloak wearers. Just bloody rough with wearing cloaks.

Renowned for their love of this particular brand of cloak. And have been heard to discuss this heist. What are the names? Time to write them down. Time to give you the names, Adam. Gypsy Sickness. Death Tans. Death Tans. Why do you do that?

And Romadom Domadom. Nah, none of them top Gypsy Sickness. That's an amazing name. That is a really good name. I'm just writing that down for my own... For later. Yeah, like if I need to give a name. What are Mark Dark and Bark doing?

I feel like I'm not utilizing them properly. Are you ready? Yes. Elizabeth Hood? Elizabeth Hood. Are you ready? Yes. Elizabeth Hood? Elizabeth Hood. That's a good name. Kerr Battle Ore? Kerr Battle Ore. And Gypsy Sickness. And Gypsy Sickness. Can you please

Gypsy Sickness. Nah, you'll like this last one. Yeah. Boggs Mad Shred. I do. Boggs Mad Shred. Does he ride a skateboard? Do you shred on a skateboard? Did he invent the shred on a skateboard? Oh, my goodness.

That's for shredding? Yeah, it's for bloody shredding. Boggs Mad Shred is an orc. Full orc? Oh, interesting. Full orc. You'll find him down by the docks. Are you half orc?

He's half orc. I am. He's got muddied blood. He's an half orc. You'll find him down by the docks. He associates with a bunch of different, well, basically pirates. So you might need to watch out for them. Be careful.

He's got a bit of a temper. Good, good. Elizabeth Hood is essentially like a minor crime boss. She's got like a small little group behind her. A cat woman. A fish mooney a wilson fisk this fish mooney actually like uh do crimes herself not as much well not exactly like a cat woman fish mooney cross hybrid a hybrid cat half breed if you will

cat mooney okay elizabeth hood cat mooney A half-breed. If you will. A cat Moony. Okay. Elizabeth Hood, cat Moony. Her little gang is small, though. Like five people in total. I reckon you could handle them. Okay. That's barely a crime boss. That's the warrior's gang at most. Who's that last one?

You mean Kerr Battleor? Kerr Battleor, yeah. Is he a transformer? No, he's a dwarf. Does he that last one? You mean Ker-Battalore? Ker-Battalore, yeah. Is he a Transformer? No, he's a dwarf. Does he have any associates? He's just a low-level thug for another group. He recently got quotation marks laid off. He has a hit out on him and it's lying low.

All right, so help him most difficult. Can I ask, can we all try on the cloak and work out who it fits the best? Yeah, that's probably not a bad idea. It's made basically, as I was about to say. It's made basically for a human type figure. Interesting.

Not the orc. Probably not the halfling without some tailoring. Yes. But this boy! None of them are halfling. Oh, I see what you mean. I thought you were saying one of the people was a halfling. No, nothing that clever. We're just deciding who gets the cloak.

Oh. Oh. I was being like, well, it's not the orc. I was detecting, but not me. Not me. I was like, which of us gets the cloak? You're like, it fits me the best. I'm a human.

I'd rather throw it in the sewer. No, that's not like my character If you want it you can have it It probably couldn't fit a halfling But it could fit even you the orc It's not like big enough to completely cover you But you could still Could it fit the dwarf?

Is it too big for the dwarf? No it could fit a dwarf So it could fit anybody Yeah well not anybody Like halflings Of the three Yeah it could fit any of them Lizzie, Kerr, or Boggs.

So, okay. Don't worry, I narrowed that down for you. Orc sounds like it's going to be a bit of a hassle because Orc. Dwarf is a hay thing, maybe hard to find. But he's got a hit on him. Well, I'd say he does. I mean, sweet hit. Do you know when this robbery took place?

Yeah, it happened last night. Did it? We say. You guys didn't ask, it happened last night. Did it? We say. You guys didn't ask. No, last night. I said last night. Well, there's no ships that would carry this diamond have left since last night. I can tell you that much.

So if it's not in town, it went out by land. Land. Land. Land, we got a clue. Do we know? Okay. Do you have any leads on where the dwarf might be? The dwarf?

Ker. Ker Battlewark. No, I couldn't tell you on that one. I could set you up with someone who might know where he is, but that'll take some time. But we know exactly where the orc is. We know where Cat Moony is. Yeah, the orc you'll find at the docks. Cat Moony, do we know where she is exactly?

She has an area that her, quotation marks, gang or whatever, likes to inhabit. If you go there and cause some trouble, they'll probably come find you. That sounds like a fun one. All right, let's go. Reckon what? Hood?

Hogs? Good. And so you, Bismarck, if you want to put some words out and tell me maybe where that dwarf is. I'll try to find it. That might take me a little longer. That's okay. Might need to wait a day. If I give you one gold,

can you just beat him up and just keep him here? For a gold? Hang on. For four gold? If I can find... If I find him... If I find him, that's like... I can't guarantee I'll find him.

But if I find him for four gold, I'll have him here beaten up and ready for you. If he says, for four gold, the moment he says that, I'm putting four gold in his hand. Without even letting him finish his sentence. I'm opulent, but slowly running out of money. For real? Yeah. Six gold and I can guarantee it. All right.

Yeah, that sounds like where we want it. Actually, no. Guarantee. Guaranteed. Ten gold. Oh, man. You sure about this? Yeah, that's fine.

Let me do some quick calculations. It'll take a day. And what if the bird's got it? Cat Mooney. Well, if Cat Mooney has it. I can't guarantee this is the guy you're looking for. I can guarantee

he'll be here. But he's got here in him, so if we get him, do we get him to take some money? We get split to the head.

Yeah, good point. Good point. Good point. Yeah, okay. We'll split the head. All right. 10 gold with us. Okay.

Half between you three and half to me. Sounds good. Okay. Down to 11 gold from 25. And you paid him his 10? Yeah. Cool. That's good. Okay. Down to 11 gold. From 25. And you paid him his 10? Yeah.

Cool. Money well spent. Not real. Sure isn't. That is a jacked up price. Sure is. That's ridiculous. If one gold is worth $500.

I probably might have overinflated that. One gold is maybe worth 100. Even still. Still, I gave him a grand just on like the off gold is maybe worth a hundred. Even still. Still, I gave him a grand just on the off chance that's the guy we're looking for. It's a hit. It's not like a contract. Yeah, it might not be anything other than that.

It could be the favor of the man who fed it. But even a hit is in the mafia when they're like, oh, we're calling a hit on that guy in that he needs to die. Not for a reward. There's actually no guaranteed reward for any of that. It was pretty much just sinking 10 gold for the fuck of it, I guess. True. But does he think I'm a hero now?

This guy? Yeah. He thinks you're an idiot. You're paying him 10 gold for something you could have done for four. Fuck. All right, so I'd like to go to Mark Darkenbark oh right I thought you were talking about some tavern I didn't know

my lads the boys alright boys did we get the area where Cat Mooney lives yeah it's somewhere here in the undercity can you lads go up and start causing trouble just you know Cause havoc

Tipping over crates Beat a mugger Steal a pumpkin Do whatever you need to get done We probably can't beat up a mugger But we can cause some trouble Sure thing boss Good boys

I kissed their foreheads And send them off to cause trouble For Cat Mooney or Elizabeth Swan They all said that at once together. I kissed their foreheads. And send them off to cause trouble for Kat Mooney or Elizabeth Swan or Hood or whatever. Elizabeth Hood. Lizzie Borden. Anyway, yeah, good. They can go off and cause trouble. And then you guys are going to go after this orc?

Yeah. Why not? Cool. It doesn't take you long to find him. You're like, you were given Doc's number, blah, blah, blah. You go to that. It's just this massive warehouse the warehouse is completely empty except for pretty much in the center there's like a little cut out uh so it's like a dock so this warehouse a boat can come into the warehouse it's got uh you know what i mean it's like a part of it is water coming in uh other than that the only feature is a table near that water

with four chairs and four people sitting at those chairs playing a game of cards. Is one of them an orc? Yeah, one of them is an orc. Before we enter, I'd be like, Girk, you yourself are half orc. I'm not half anything, and he's a half leg. So I feel like if any of us should have that conversation

or talk to the orc It should be you Fair enough Should we go in with the guys of gambling? That's not a bad idea Let's go in Under the guys So just change of plan

Gamble Let's just burst the door Alright lads we're here to gamble For real? Why not All four of them turn around Give you like weird looks This is a private game

How much to buy in Yeah what's the buy in Very soon I'm going to have just zero gold How much gold do you have? Two Two gold Wait who's one person that's talking We all have two gold each Zero gold. How much gold do you have? Two. Two gold. Wait, who's one person that's talking? We all have two gold each.

Ten gold. Is that the truth? No. How much gold do you have? Ten gold. Oh, so it's not a lot. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

And are either of you piping up as well? Sure, I'll check in. But how much gold are you saying you have? I'll sure I'll check in like but how much gold are you saying you have I'll say I've got five how much do you have 15 someone's gonna save

some gold for a rainy day yeah I'll okay and are you I'll be like two deception

deception disgrace Deception Disgrace Hiya Hiya, whatever One of the humans says Really? That's true Can I see your coin purse?

Oh my That's quite forward of you He puts three gold forward I'll give you three gold for your coin purse He thinks I have two He thinks that's a good deal The coin purse alone is worth more than that The coin purse and every

Yeah, flip him the script on you He shakes his head Open your coin purse, mate Yeah, flip him the script on you. He shakes his head. Open your coin purse, mate. Glance at the two of you in a panic. Like, things have gone stour for old long fellas. You're like, this is the most tense situation. You have 11 goals.

Just fucking tell him. You don't have to tell him. You don't have to. This is where we draw our lines. You don't know this guy. You don't owe him anything. I step don't have to. This is where we draw our lines. You don't know this guy. You don't owe him anything. I step in front. He's got nothing to prove. He's got two gold.

What's to buy in? How can I trust him if he's not telling me how much gold he has? My word. No, I was going to suggest. Never mind. That was the dumbest thing. All right. All right, lad.

I've got five gold sorry for letting you know it's a bad neighbourhood come on five gold probably don't have enough to buy in what's the buy in? more than that

can you make a specific your friend can sit over there. They, like, gesture to one of the walls and watch if he wants. Fine. Fine. I'll do that. That's fine.

I'm not even furious. Okay. They turn to you. Buy in his fives. Motherfuckers. Motherfuckers. Yeah, right. Could you make change?

I've only got gold. Yeah, they can split it up for you. Okay, now we do some gambling. So, the question is, are you going to try to read them, bluff yourself, or count cards? You got three different options

to try and do well in this card game. Okay. Don't look at your character sheet. Look at me. No, look at your character sheet if you want. Go ahead. What does intelligence mean? Intelligence would be counting cards.

I'll do that. Okay. So charisma is bluff, I'm guessing. Sorry? Oh, charisma, yeah. Charisma would be... Charisma is deception, which is you trying to bluff what you have.

I'm going to try and see if they're lying. Okay, so that's wisdom though. My options are negative one. Insight, rather. Zero or one. Go for the one. Can you just be ready to stab somebody? Yeah, I'll draw my sword just real sneaky.

Can I use strength in a game of cards? Because if so, I'm very good at that. Just squeeze the cards. I win. I destroyed the most cards. Because if so, I'm very good at that. Just squeeze the cards. I win. I destroyed the most cards. I am the winner. Game of snap? Game of snap.

Just crush a guy's hand with your snap thrust. Okay. After about, I'll say, like half an hour of playing. We've only got six days in. Sorry. Sorry, guys. The card game just takes half an hour. playing. We've only got six days in. Sorry. Sorry, guys. The card game just takes half an hour. We're running out of time.

Gerg, you're down two gold. Buckle, you're up ten. Whoa, Buckle's rich as fuck. Does that put you on 25? I guess it does. You lucky son of a gun. Okay, while you're doing this,

you want to strike up a conversation? Absolutely. I'm like about some crazy stories, man. Some bloody crazy stories. Good, says the orc. What industry are you guys in? What is this? All this.

Can't you see? We're in the haberdashery business. None of that points to this. Come on, come on. Listen, man, I'm going to level with you. We're looking for some work, something under the table. We also specialise in moving things out of towns without people knowing.

It's a good lie. Anybody, anything? I don't even think that's a lie. That's probably true. It's not what we do for a living, I guess. It's also, you're obviously trying to, you're trying to lead them towards what you want. Yeah.

Yeah. There's a role involved here. Okay. I'm sitting there sulking. You can participate in the conversation if you want. I thought I liked that on the other side of the room. You are pretty far. You can participate in the conversation if you want. I thought I'm like down the other side of the room.

You are pretty far. You might want to walk over. What were we saying? Ask him about the time of day. To be fair, it's a big empty warehouse

so it probably echoes a lot. One of the humans shakes his head. You might want to concentrate on your cards, mate. This is probably like one of the guys you're earning that ten gold off, and he's super angry and just like, play the fucking game. Can I just say, excuse me, I'm not talking to you today.

That's the best. He's giving you this look that could cut through steel. Maybe you say, I'm not talking to you mate and at the same time you like pull your dagger and like just flick it so that only he can see it underneath the table He backs off

Good, because otherwise I'd be backing off You'd be like, anyway, never mind I'll just cash out Say dragging your money off the table Unless you'd be like, anyway, never mind. I'll just cash out. Say dragging your money off the table. So I'm going to call that little conversation there. One round. Do you guys want to play another round?

Yep. Gives you another chance to talk as well. Sure, why not? Same thing as last time? Yes. Counting cards again? You're going to count cards. I'm going to try and bluff myself now.

Changing tactics because I'm down two gold. Who's winning? My ship is winning. Oh, no. Oh, boy. That's a bad face. I know. I'm down like eight gold. How much gold do you have left?

Eight gold. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Negative. You owe him. You're in debt. Keep playing till I break even. Like how I gamble in real life.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, this second round goes pretty poorly for both of you. Oh, no. Buckle, you're down six gold now from what you were before. Sure. And Heizolo. Heiz.

Heiz. You're in debt two gold. Oh, no. Oh, no. You have nothing left to bet and you owe money. Okay. Okay.

Well, look. Is there any way, is there any work we could maybe do for you to pay off this debt? Oh, that's a good fucking... Unless that work involves you coughing up gold right here and now, your friend's in a lot of trouble. Interesting.

Let's just start a fight. I feel like we should start a fight. One more round. One more round. Go Salah, start that fight. Double or nothing. Double or nothing. What have you got to say?

Just chuck something in. What have you got? What have you got? Chuck something from your equipment in. Chuck your armor in. Short swords, long sword. Chuck your sword in. Short sword, two of them.

Slam it down on the table. Threateningly. Reckless actions. You can put up some of your equipment, and I'll roll to see if they'll accept it. And what's my signet ring worth? Your signet ring? Yeah. Probably a lot. It's like a signal of your house. I'll roll to see if they'll accept it. And what's my signet ring worth? Your signet ring? Yeah.

Probably a lot. It's like a signal of your house. Okay, maybe I won't give you that. It might be worth like 20 gold on its own. Okay. And you also use it as, signet rings are like, you write a letter and you know how they seal it with black? Yeah. It's got your house symbol on it.

Double or nothing. My mate over there has four gold. What's happening over there? They're not going to continue unless he confirms it. You good to front your mate here? He needs four gold. I'm going to shoot you fucking daggers. Fine!

Alright. Can he come over? I'll spot him the four gold. I want to see the money up front now. Take it out of my pocket. As you do that, the orc with his big fucking meaty hand puts his hand on yours. That's more than two gold, mate. You fucked me, Gork.

You fucked me. He said you had five before. He said he had two originally. The orc lifts his hand and lets you go. I silently piss myself just a little bit. Okay, so... Buckle, what are you going to do? Yeah, I'll play against, but we haven't been playing.

So you want to count cards? Yeah, so I count cards, sorry. Cool. And, Gurg, what do you want to do? I'll do the wisdom one. The wisdom one, you want to read them? Yeah, so I count cards. Cool. And Gurg, what do you want to do? I'll do the wisdom one. The wisdom one? You want to read them? Yeah, because bluffing did poorly before this. Bluffing was not a good move. Neither of them have done well for you so far.

I have a two of diamonds. I have the two of diamonds? Hey? Is that a card? Oh, no. How could things be going worse? No, no, no. Okay, okay. Is that a card? Oh no How could things be going worse? No I don't know

So Buckle You're up another one So you only earn one back But I think you've still made money Yeah I've made five Gurg Gurg you come up Neutral so you still

owe to God you didn't lose any and you didn't make any how big are these guys the orc is pretty big the three yeah the three humans

two of them are like super like sort of chunky one of them the one you threatened, he's kind of like the runt of the three. He's maybe got an elven

type physique. Can we signal somehow to each other that she's about to go down? Who's got the cloak still? I couldn't tell you. I think you had it. I bet the cloak. Yes. See the reaction? That's just, yes. And then they'll be, yeah. And see the reaction?

That's a great idea. See what happens. Okay, so you throw the cloak down? Yeah. We bet, yeah. He won't accept that. And we'll see what happens. Anyone do anything?

Oh, you just throw it. Oh, I thought you were saying, like, we're putting this up as our... Yeah, we are. Oh, do you do that? Just to gauge your reaction. Yeah. Because if someone's like...

Oh, my cloak. If someone's like, Oh, my cloak. If someone's like, Why do you have the cloak I wore when I stole the diamond? Then we'll know they stole the diamond. Well, no one's like that. No one says that. Anyone sweating bullets? As far as you can tell, the orc,

I forget his name again. Curb Madshred. No, Curb Athelwold. Bogs Madshred. Mad Shred Bogs Mad Shred Mad Shred doesn't react when you put the cloak down he does however get a little mad and say

I'm not accepting that, that's a torn cloak is it possible to signal like get ready for a fight to the lights? if your friend is still up to ante you the money we can keep going can I try and signal with my eyes let's fight them you can try.

Do a gesture to me. Hang on a cotton-picking minute. Just to both of you. Okay. Okay. Send the signal to Buckle. Gurg. Okay.

So what are you trying to do? It's go time? Gurg, you are 100% certain that he is like, we cannot take this. Do not fight. Got it. That is the message you get. I like to think that I'm like, I don't know, like with an errant pencil on the table.

I'm like, scratching my back and you're like, they'll kill us, I get you. Yeah, yeah, pretty much. Got it, got it, got it. All right. Adam, I'd like to knock one of the cards under the table, on purpose, but make it look like an accident.

Why are we attacking them? Okay, and then what do you want to do? I'd like to go underneath and then shoot one of them in the leg with my crossbow when I'm down there. Which one? The orc. Yeah, just be like, oh, whoops! That's the best D&D move I've ever thought of.

I'm living recklessly. It's my holiday. Okay, so. Fair enough. This is going to be a little hard to explain, so give me a sec. Okay. So the chair he's sitting on. Yeah.

So you know how there's the actual seat part of it, that slab of wood? Yeah. You know how there's like a thickness to that, right? Sure. Your crossbow bolt hits that chair, like the seat where he's sitting. Do I pull like a buckle over here and he doesn't notice immediately? The crossbow, when it like fires, makes an audible twang sound. I'd like to be like, oh, whoops.

And then there's the thump of arrow hitting wood. Oops, sorry about that. It just went off. I'm going to say, my harp. Buckle, you can do something as well because you were ready for this. Yeah, I was. But, Gurg, you were caught by surprise by this. What are we doing?

You'll have to wait. We're school we doing? Buckle, you can do something What do you want to do? I want to shiv the little guy but I should go for the orc Do what you want to do, man But I feel like the orc Whatever, man, do what you want Go for the orc but don't kill him

if that's possible Mortally wound, but so he's still like, I'm going to tell you this thing before I die. Whatever level of injury that is. You reckon if you... Like, one stabbing probably won't kill him outright, so you can probably, like, safely stab him once. Should I say...

Which is an odd thing to say. I'll safely stab him. Give him just a good old-fashioned safe stab. A wholesome safe stab. You, like, reach across the table. You have to lean a little bit, because he's not sitting directly next to you. The orc, like, turned around to look at fucking here

when the crossbow bolt went off. So he's not paying attention to you properly, and you just jam the dagger, like, in his neck. You give it that twist that you wanted to give the fucking guard. Do I give everyone, like, the head? I got it. I did it. You give it two fucking twists. Good.

That means he's not going to just smack my head underneath the table. That might still happen. Oh, death. I'm going to get my my head underneath the table. That might still happen. Oh, death. I'm going to get my shit kicked in by this orc. I thought it was the best move. Shoot him in the leg, then he's all crippled. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. It's reasonable.

It makes sense. I'm not going to lie. I'm just, why are we attacking? That's my question. Out of the game. And it is a good question. And in-game. No one noticed the clock

we could have been like alright let's go you're in terrible debt I'm in too cold debt we could have paid it off so easily but my character likes to resort to violence so okay when does he twig when is it okay

right now you're like what the fuck what the fuck is this what's everyone doing I mean I think an action takes like a second anyway six seconds welcome to D&D battle yeah hey combat

combat is initiated in whatever episode this is who knows welcome you jam it in there he makes a gurgling sound Yeah. Who knows? Welcome. Okay, here we go. You jam it in there. He makes a gurgling sound, clutches at his neck,

and turns around to you, his eyes bulging with surprise. Good. Good. Did you? I did. Very descriptive. Oh, boy.

How many guys were there? Four. That's fine. Oh, boy. How many of you guys were there? Four. Four. It's fine. It's fine. We do this shit like this for breakfast. I want to walk in like three runs. Yeah, it's easy.

One of them's like an elf body. An elf body is basically a skeleton. Like it's fine. You want to kill an elf? Like a wisp of men. Yeah, you want to kill an elf? You're just like, yeah. Give it a shot.

He'll be like, oh, no. Okay. Oh, please, please. Buckle. You get to go again. Oh, you want to kill an elf, you just like yeah. He'll be like, oh no. Oh, please, please. You get to go again. Oh, really? Yep. Shiv the little guy. Shiv the little guy? Yeah. In my mind, I don't know if this is what's happening, but because you're so small I just imagined you climbing onto the table to stab him in the neck.

You basically do have to, yeah. And then like turning around the stairs. That's like one of those ones. You guys just go for the kill on this guy. Just straight up. Fair enough. Awesome. If that's possible. Par for the call, mate.

Okay. So you pull the dagger out of the orc's throat. Out of fucking Shred's throat. And then you like with one smooth motion, slash at that thinner-looking sailor. Sweet. You cut his throat nearly completely. He topples backwards, falls, like, off his chair,

hits the ground. You see blood, like, coming out. He makes, like, a gurgling sound and lays very still. Okay. Their turn. All three of them get up. Oh, boy. Run away.

Just dive into the sea. Anyway, last one. Fuck this crystal bullshit! The orc picks up his chair buckle and slams it into you. Jesus. You're a little small. I feel into you. Jesus. You're little.

Yeah, I'm small. But I feel like you've got a stocky skeleton. I feel like you're going to be okay. You take three points of damage. Fair enough. That's about a chair's worth. Yeah, compliment on the chin. You could have just said a chair's worth of damage.

I would have been like, three? Okay. I got you. The chair hits you with a surprising amount of force And then you're like, alright, orc You're nearly knocked off your feet from the sheer force of it Then, one of the big guys turns to Hia He's like pulled a club out of fucking nowhere

And he slams it into the side of, no he doesn't He swings, but as he's trying to swing it nowhere and he slams it into the side of no he doesn't yeah he swings but um as he's trying to swing it because he brought the club from underneath the table and he's trying to do it in one smooth motion the club hits the table instead the table like but I'm under the table

well he tries to bring it over but as it's coming down it like hits the table instead the table jolts and saves you from a potentially fatal wound. Yes. Thanks, table. And then finally, thanks for nothing, chair. The lost sailor produces a great sword, equally from out of nowhere,

and swings at you. You're an old, you're half-orc. You'll be fine. You're a hawk. A hawk? You'll be fine. You're a hawk. A hawk? I'm still confused. What is this, though? Is this gambling?

Is this still the card game? As he swings at you, you're like pushing backwards from the table. Because he's like the opposite side of the table from you. When the great sword comes through, it swipes at where you were and misses you by a hair's breadth. We are gonna win this fight like it was peaches for Sunday dinner. Yeah, it's your turn.

Is it gonna be difficult for me to get out from under the table? To stand up? Probably not. You're fine. I'll stand up and I'll... You've got the crossbow in your hands. Yeah. Can I just like point blank the guy next to me?

Yeah, you can try. I'll do that. That's awesome. Put it into his head. Putting down a cow. Sorry, Bessie. The crossbow bolt was like piercing him before it left the fucking thing. So yeah, you just literally fire into this guy's belly.

Was it the guy with the club who tried to hit you, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Retaliation. Retaliation? Yeah. The crossbow bolt digs itself deep, but not enough to kill. Oh boy. He like, you you know crumples

forward a little bit but doesn't you know he's not stopping. That's fine. Gurg? I'm going to get both of my short swords and go for the guy with the... You can't draw two weapons in a round. Oh can't I? One sword then. You can draw the other weapon next. I'll do that then. One sword

and get the guy with the great sword. So he swung just where you were. As the sword, like, passes by you, you realise what's happening. You, like, put a hand on the table to steady yourself and also you use it as extra momentum. You, like, drag yourself towards the table, like, flinging your sword at him as you go.

The sword pierces his shoulder. Yeah. Ah, yes. Do you kill him? Yes. Probably not. Probably not. Try and tear one's head off.

What? You're a big guy. I'm a half-orc. Yeah, like, why not? I'll try. As you draw back to short sword, you can tell it's a pretty bad wound. Mortal for most folk, but this guy

is made of sterner stuff. He rolls with the blow a little bit as well. You think that might have lessened some of the damage. Then, it is Buckle's turn again. Bow. I have a bow? Yeah, you have a short bow. I have a bow? A short bow?

Yeah, you have a short bow. Is that good for this kind of situation? In close quarters combat like this, you might have trouble using it. I would recommend either your rapier or continuing with your daggers. All right, I'm going to go rapier. Cool. Like bloody Robin Hood, mate. So you chuck your dagger to the offhand and then you draw your rapier.

So I got two going. Oh, sick. That's how you do it. Rapier and then you draw your rapier. So I got two going. Oh, sick. That's how you do it. Rapier and dagger, that's the dream. You unfortunately won't be able to dual wield, though, because the rapier is too unwieldy. Okay. So if you tried to use the dagger, it'd be really hard to fight.

You know that guy who got shot in the stomach and he crumpled over? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought you were talking about, hey, in the US. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Yeah, the guy that fucking... The guy crumpled over. Crumpled stilt skin, which I yell as I come at him with the rapier. Crumpled stilt skin. Shut up. That's still funny.

Wait, which one? That was the Bessie one. Yeah, the one I... Sorry, Bessie. This guy's getting all our good lines. Exactly. Mine's slightly esoteric. Like, mine's the kind of thing where you're like, what?

And I'm like, oh, point blank. Like, I'm putting down a cow and you're like, oh. What, did he yell Crumpled Stiltzkin? Yes. You yell Crumpled Stiltzkin. He's like, what? Turns around and you get him, oh. What did he yell? Crumple Stiltskin? Yes. You yell Crumple Stiltskin. He's like, what? Turns around and you get him right underneath his eye with the rapier.

It pokes out the other side. You draw the rapier back and it comes back with brain matter on it. The guy collapses very dead. Very dead. Very dead. Awesome. How many guys are left?

Two. One of the big humans with the great sword and the orc. And they're both injured. Speaking of them, it's their turn. They're both injured. They're both, guys are left? Two. One of the big humans with the great sword and the orc. Speaking of them, it's their turn. They're both injured. They're dumb. Don't even worry. Just lie down and you'll be fine. Don't even a bloody stress.

Unless I get punched in the neck. Okay, now because you're a lot closer and leaning over the table, Gurg, you're in kind of an awkward position. So when the great sword comes back for another swing, you're in kind of an awkward position. So when the greatsword comes back for another swing, you really can't dodge it this time. That's a shame. You take 11 points of damage

as it strikes you and knocks you nearly to the ground. Wow. Fuck. Guess who's on a hot two? Oh, boy. Do something. 11 is a lot, right? Eleven's a great deal for us How much have you got?

I've got fourteen armor Your hit points are eight So that blow would have laid you flat We'll get to dying when it happens When? If and when Or when Red hot when.

Death is inevitable. But that's true of all things. There's a lesson for you, listeners. There's just a little lesson from me to you. One day you'll die, but that's okay. One day all things will die. Because it'll be before us. You know what the only thing that goes up but never comes down is?

What? Hot air balloon. No, shit! Fuck that one up. You said that with quite a straight face and it was funny. Oh, and then it's the orc's turn. Oh, sick of his shit.

No, no, let's get him. Take him down. I forget what weapon he was using. No, he used the chair. He's using furniture as his weapon. He uses another chair. Awesome. He picks up furniture. It's his weapon. He uses another chair. Awesome. Shut up.

He picks up another chair and tries to whack you with it, Buckle. Again? You're getting chaired on. You did stab him in the throat. This time, though, you're wily, do his ways. You know the chair. I made him buy a chair before, mate. He swings the chair downwards, but you dart out of the way,

and the chair just breaks on the ground into tender. And it looks awesome? Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty cool. You do a dive and a roll, and you come up, and you put some glasses on as you do the roll. You cross your arms, and you're like, yeah. And you're like, I guess that guy,

I guess you need to take a seat. Nice. You know, you give it a little. Then it is, Hayastan. I'd like to turn around and try and, you know what, fuck it, I'll just turn around and cross,

but with the orc in the eyeballs. Be like, beware for your peepers. He didn't hear you, and he doesn't notice that the crossbow bolt goes way far up him. Up into the roof. Wait, shit. Is that grappling crossbow? I'm gone.

You spin around with the crossbow, but in your hurry to load another bolt It fires way too early And just flies into the ocean God damn it Gurg? Can I dual wield this time? Yeah, you can draw another one now

Cool, I'll draw the other weapon out And I scream I am the strongest one And try and stab that cunt in the fucking throat The orc or the other guy? The other guy that stabbed me I like that you did that with both at about nipple height. Yes.

Stab him in both nipples. I'm very tall. Yeah, that's true. And that's one of my ideals. Oh, yeah. I got a crit hap. Crit hap. Crit hap.

If you get a roll of 20, if Adam rolls a 20, oh, no, 20-sided dice, and then he rolls again and it's high, because that's what you've got to do, then you get a 20. Oh, no, 20-sided dice. And then he rolls again, and it's high. Because that's what you've got to do. Then you get a crit hap, which is like a super special magic move that has effects. Yeah, when you're attacking someone, if you roll high enough, you get a critical hit.

If you roll low enough, you get a critical miss. Which can just blind you or make you lame. Pretty awful, yeah. Or stab yourself in the ear. Speaking of which, Throat Slash, normal damage and 2d6 bleed. Target cannot talk or breathe while bleeding. Push him in the sea.

Push him in the sea. I'm pretty sure this is going to kill him. I got him in the throat, guys. That's what you wanted. That's what you always wanted. That's what the dream is. I kind of want to push someone in the sea. Someone's getting pushed in the sea.

The sea's there and I just feel bad to not utilize it, kind of. I feel if we wanted, we could maybe water him. Does it work? Yeah. In your offhand, that sword just swings too weakly and it catches a little on his armor, doesn't do any damage. But your other one cleanly lops his head off. Nice.

You kill him outright. I imagine. Does it look awesome? That's a weird no. lops his head off. Nice. You kill him outright. Imagine. Does it look awesome? That's weird. No. No, it doesn't. This particular one doesn't. Like, it's a head lopping.

You get his head off, but you're like, I've seen more impressive ones. You remember, you saw it once where the heart kept beating and there were like three gushes of blood that came out.

This guy, maybe he just wasn't as energetic or something like that. No, of blood that came out. This guy maybe just like wasn't as energetic or something like that. My next move is going to be recounting that tale. Well there is still the orc just letting you guys know. We'll take a quick breather. That was Gurg, so buckle. Is there any chance that we could talk to this guy? You can try to.

Okay listen, so look we've done, we've all had a laugh. Us more so, it turns out. I'm happy to leave it be if you could tell us anything about a certain missing diamond. And I'll throw you a health potion on the way out. And we won't push you into the ocean. Okay. He looks at you and with a very, like, he calms down a little bit.

Like, obviously, his green skin is tinged red from fury. He looks at you and with a very He calms down a little bit Like obviously His green skin is tinged red From fury He calms down a little bit and then he says I'm gonna rip your head off And he proceeds to attempt To rip your head off If he succeeds

This guy's definitely going in the ocean He grabs your ears He puts a foot on your foot And he pulls Jesus This guy's definitely going in the ocean. He grabs your ears. No! He puts a foot on your foot and he pulls. Jesus! Your little hobbling buddy! I hope your stocky skeleton saves you this time. You take three points

of damage as he begins to tear your freaking ears off. So I'm on two. That's still pretty good. I killed like two guys. Yeah, it's impressive. I'm still alive. Okay, uh, I'd like to... He's ripping his head off. Yeah, um, can I

get like close and shoot the orc in the head? Yeah, yeah. Cow style? That's you again. Gangsta style, like execution? Uh, yep. You plug him in the back of the head. You kill him. I want to do some shit.

Ah, shit, fuck. You see he'll walk around behind the orc. You don't see exactly what happens, but you hear the twang again of the crossbow bolt. The orc shred, or whatever his thing was. I don't have the thing in front of me

he's like got his mouth open and he's just screaming at your face spittle is flying right into your eyes and then the spittle changes to blood as you see a crossbow bolt poking out his mouth he collapses on you oh great you have to roll them off. With your tiny little halfling arms. All right, lads. Well, that could have gone better. That was a D&D combat. Absolutely. That's about the bar, right?

Yeah. Pretty standard. That's pretty stock standard. All right, so we didn't find out shit. He could have still been the guy, and you wouldn't know. What? Not that I'm angry, but why did you shoot him in the... I thought shit was about to go sour.

I was literally too gold. Speaking of money, let's just grab that. Okay, well, all of you get, obviously, your original gold back. All right. Plus, you're able to loot a further... Is one person going to mark this all down? I will. Sure.

Seven gold. Seveng. And 14 silver. These guys had fuck all. These motherfuckers. One copper. We just keep getting played for a fucking joke. All right, can we rifle through the orc's pockets?

That is basically... That's all he had? He had some gold on him. Other than that, nothing really. Oh, and the weapons, quotation marks. Was there anything around that was like, hey, they might have had a diamond in the haberdashery store? What, we have diamond remnants?

The only feature in this warehouse, other than the little place for the boats to come in, is the table and chairs. I'm just going to, hey, do you want to help me just drag these bodies into the sea? Yeah, I was going to say, throw them in the sea along with the table and chairs. Especially the chairs.

Yeah, chuck them into the sea. with the table and chairs especially the chairs yeah chuck them in kick those chairs we leave the table okay that's fine we'll push everyone in the seat after that fucking club hit

yeah true it's also got blood on it oh um if you want you can get a deck of cards yeah I'll take it

why not all right chucking it down in the party treasure uh are you like looking through the the potty treasure are you like looking through the cards yeah

yeah there are two like queen of hearts god damn what the fuck I was doing something they were I don't know what because I'm not

I'm not a cards kind of person I play what does it say dragon dice but they were losing us bad alright so

I'm glad they're dead then chuck that one up as a failure we weren't glad until now you were like we died They were rousing us bad. All right, so... I'm glad they're dead then. Choke that one up as a failure. We weren't glad until now. You were like, oh, we died. I don't know. All right, we'll push them in the sea.

Yep, that's a given. Let's go to... Maybe each to see Mark, Dark, and Bark. Or do we want to see Beat Up Dwarf? That's going to take a day. Oh, yeah, he did say that. Let's go find out if Mark Darkren and Mark have found anything

for us okay you're going to go to that section of the undercity so once again you venture down into the depths let's take a couple

health potions first because you're in a bad way you're in a bad way I'm doing alright do a mini mini rest for a fight you started you're doing pretty good

if you do a short rest you can get some hit points back yeah do a mini rest you can get some hit points back. You don't even have to drink the health potion. Let's take a nap. This is the warehouse where we murdered all these people. Just to contemplate what we've done.

You might leave the warehouse. Go find a corner, just sit down and have a breather. Away from the people you killed. Let's just take a moment to be like, well that was a bonding experience. When I met you three, you know, you two people you killed. Let's just take a moment to be like, well, that was a bonding experience. When I met you three, you know, you two, you three. When I met you two on a boat six months ago, I had no idea that eventually we'd kill

four people for basically no reason. Okay. Buckle, you recover two hit points. So you're on four now. Back in the gut. Grug, you recover seven. Gerg. Two hit points. Wait, so I'm on four now? Back in the gut. Grug, you recover seven.

Gerg. Gerg. What the hell? You're on nine. You guys, if you wanted to, could down a health potion, and that'd recover a bit more hit points, potentially all of them. If you wanted to, you could sleep the night at a tavern, and that would recover all of your hit points as well.

Nah, let's go see Mark Darkenbach. We'll get it done. We'll go find Mark Darkenbach. I feel like I should probably drink something though. Yeah, maybe you have something. 50% is not. A health potion might not be worth it. Like a health potion, like four hit points, a health potion might give you back up to eight

and then it'd kind of be wasting it. Forget it, don't worry about it. So you might want to wait until you get to about two. Live life on the edge. Yeah, absolutely. And hopefully someone doesn't knock you down to zero. Yeah, why am I playing it safe? Exactly.

And if that happens, we'll just like prop up your like halfling corpse and just chug you in like a little potion. Yeah, we'll just force feed you, rub your throat, it'll be fine. It'll be fine. Back to full. So you go to that section of the undercity. Oh, waka waka what? Yes.

Fine. Back to full. So you go to that section of the undercity. A wicka wicka what? Yes. This place is just... It's like a market area, but not proper stalls. Not proper buildings sort of thing. It's just stalls that have been set up along the sewerage, and people are hawking wares there. You see a lot of creatures here that really couldn't exist

in any other part of the city without being targeted by the city guard. So you see goblins, some gnaws, orc women. You see, yeah, some orcs. Orc ladies, that's for you. Yes!

You're a good guy. That says it after me. You have the shit of both worlds because orcs hate humans and humans hate orcs. So orcs will be like half-orc, diluted the blood, not as good. Humans would be like half-orc, diluted the blood, not as good.

Gross. How am I going to continue my tribe? It's going to be rough. We'll get the diamond, then we'll get the tribe. I'll get the diamond resurrected. Happy times. The guy promises he's going to give me all mortality or something. Or we'll bloody kill him.

And you still get to choose. Yeah, man. He's going to give all three of you your eternal reward. Get a big boat. That would be amazing. A pirate ship. Your eternal reward. Get a fleet.

Or wings. You get a lot of options here. Flying monkeys. Are there monkeys in D&D? Yeah, there are. There are baboons I need to think about this Yeah

Anyway Anything going on? It looks pretty calm Like you're If Mark, Bark and Dark have done anything It's not noticeable Or it could be that This is chaos for this place

It is a bit like You know there's a lot of A lot of nonsense going around Like some people You can see some goblins Squabbling over something Over like yonder at you know, there's a lot of nonsense going around. Like some people, you can see some goblins squabbling over something over yonder at one place. And there's a lot of harsh language being thrown around. Let's go over the goblins that are squabbling. Squabbling over some rotten piece of meat. What's going on there?

Why the gobsquab? What's this gobsquab going on? They don't stop. They just ignore you guys. Can I pick one up? I'm going to punch him in the face Are you going to try to pick one up? Yeah, just by the scruff of its neck

Come on, man Be cool You grab it Okay, here we go Combat again, I guess We fighting goblins in the street Well, they don't want to be grabbed, do they? I just want to chat to him Cat Mooney will appear, though Yeah, that's true want to be grabbed, do they? I just want to chat to them.

Cat Mooney will appear, though. Yeah, that's true. Hey, I guess we're causing... Are you just trying to drag them apart, or are you actually trying to pick the fucker up? I'm trying to just pick the fucker up. Yeah. I thought so.

That's all right, they're goblins. We're just basically just one punch and they're done, right? Yeah. He spins around and starts scratching at your fucking chest. That's disgusting. You probably have rabies. The other goblin, now with the hunk of meat in tow, just fucking legs. Good.

Oh, was there only two? There was two, yeah. Oh, good. Throw him in the sewer. I'm looking for three lads come through here would have been smashing pumpkins and tipping over crates. You seen them? I don't know that band. No?

Very good. That's amazing. No, I ain't seen them? I don't know that band. Very good. That's amazing. No, I ain't seen them. Is he lying? Do I have no idea? Let's find out. He seems to be telling the truth. Does the name Billy Corgan mean anything to you?

Nah, I'm only an indie guy. Oh, wait. Hang on. Country. I like country. Johnny Cash. Oh, wait, hang on. Country, I like country. Johnny Cash, this goblin likes Johnny Cash. I got spurs, they jingle, jingle, jingle. I don't think this goblin knows at all. Spurs, hmm.

All right, quiet. Just push him down. Throw him away. Throw him in the sewer. That's a gesture you made, a sewage. Yeah, away. Throw him in the sewer. Yeah, I'll throw him in the sewer. For real? Yeah, like, whatever. I don't need him.

Oh, no, go on. You don't care. Whatever, he gets out the other side. Yeah, probably throws some shit at you. Well, that didn't work. Ooh. You got shit on your neck and down your... Like human feces? A mixture. I'm going to take off my, like, armor and shirt.

Grab my short bow and aim it and try and get the goblin. Do it. This bloody shit-throwing goblin. Motherfucking shit-throwing goblin. What is this? What is this? This fucking part of the Undercity is... Are you skipping to the shit-throwing goblin chapter?

Yeah. Just open the monster manual to shit-throwing goblin. Goblin, in commas, shit-throwing. Why are goblins so filthy? They must have immune systems. Oh, my God. Ew, ew. I hate them.

Here, I'll describe it for you, Adam. Go for it. Hang on, wait, I need one thing. Cool. All right, let me describe a goblin to you guys. He's got like a... Kind of like his face looks like when a pumpkin goes old a bit. Yeah.

With like a nose in the shape of an arrowhead. They're like duck and bark. They're like smash pumpkins. Very pointy, I find. Yeah, he's got... Oh, his ears are so long. Like bat wings. Yeah, his ears are like bat wings.

Fuck. He's squat and he's got bare feet. He's very muscular. He's about the size of a halfling. So about your size buckle yeah thick neck

yeah your arrow like strikes him in the arm you see his arm immediately go limp and you've wounded him pretty badly he fucks off

he'll die of the wounds when the shit gets him maybe fucking goblins and their immune systems can't even pick up a goblin without getting shit thrown at you I hate this fucking town

okay so you take your shirt off a like a hobgoblin so hobgoblins are goblins but bigger and stronger and more intelligent hoblier they're like a better version of goblins

he like comes over he's got this ratty looking shirt five copper five copper I don't have five copper of goblins. He comes over. He's got this ratty looking shirt. Five copper! Five copper! I don't have five copper. So no. Get out of here. Don't you dare ever talk to me again. You say the word

I don't have five copper and he's gone. There's an offensive stereotype joke there somewhere. Alright, so long For you lad Can one of you wash me down With something I have a water skin I never washed the fucking

Gnome We're going back Go grab our wishes and then we'll wash them That could be a wish He's not a fucking genie He seems like a genie Is there anybody around We'll grant our wishes and then we'll wash them. That could be a wish. He's not a fucking genie. He seems like a genie. He's a fucking wishes.

Is there anybody around that looks informed? Like anybody? No, anybody that looks super shady but like professional shady. Yeah, like they know what they're doing. Not just like a gross goblin or a hobgoblin or a knobgoblin or whatever. You look around, it's literally just goblinoids. Goblinoids are types

of goblins. A trace of mark, dark, or bark. Yeah. I'll say after you're looking around for a little bit, you see there's a robed figure, a hooded robed figure, watching you guys from one of the street corners. He appears to be shadowing your

movements. As soon as you spot him, he turns around the corner. Like, like, watching you guys from one of the street corners. He appears to be shadowing your movements. As soon as you spot him, he, like, turns around the corner. Like, oi, you! You want to fight? He's gone by the time you said that. We give chase. Will you catch him? Find out next time on D&D is for James.

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