D&D is For Nerds - D&D is for James #3 An Inevitable Conflict

Episode Date: February 20, 2016

D&D is for JamesIn which our heroes forget about their adventure and end up asking why Sonic the Hedgehog isn't fun anymore. We avoid a fight in the sewers, can't avoid a fight at a tower and see a dragon. Hya meets an old friend, Buckle shoots a guy in his spell arm and Gurg creates a kebab tube. So join us as we keep to imperial for the sake of consistency. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sans Pants Radio. Have you ever seen that photo on the internet that says attempted murder and there's a picture of two crows on a chair and people like, if you get it, don't explain it. Well, here I am to explain it to you. A group of crows is a murder of crows. So two crows is an attempted murder because they're trying to get a group of crows. It's funny now you can laugh. Today's episode has been sponsored in part by Geekuel. Just go to geekfuel.com slash sanspants and sign up and we get like seven bucks, which is nice. Or you can donate to our Patreon. And for five bucks a month, you can get access to the Patreon-only Dropbox, which lets you listen to episodes at least two weeks ahead of everyone else.

All these links are in the show notes of this very episode. Also, we're still running that art competition, so if you want to play a part in the adventure, get scribbling and send them our way, sanspantsradio at gmail.com, and you might get to work with Adam Cantrell in our next side quest adventure, which I think we're going to be calling D&D is for Dad. Anyways, enjoy the third and final installment of D&D is for James James Because next week we're on to season two Welcome to another regular episode of D&D is for James Previously

I'm going to say it now, lads This has been a disgusting adventure so far Unwashed gnome, sewer Shit But that's fine Let's find some thieves Three potential people that this could be. Gurp.

You yourself are half-orc. I'm not half anything, and he's a half-leg. Change of plan. Gamble? Gamble. So, we didn't find out shit. He could have still been the guy, and you wouldn't know. What?

I'm angry. Why did you shoot him in the... I thought shit was about to go sour. You want to help me just drag these bodies into the sea? Yeah, I was going to say, pull them in the sea along with the table and chairs. Especially the chairs. Chuck them in the...

Kick those chairs. We leave the table. We're fighting goblins in the street. Well, they don't want to be grabbed, do they? I got spurs. They jingle, jingle, jingle. Oi, you. You want to fight?, do they? I got spurs! They jingle, jingle, jingle! Oi, you! Wanna fight? He's gone by the time he said that.

We give chase. We join our trio in hot pursuit. I feel like you should scoop up Buckle onto your shoulders. Yeah, I'd be happy with that. One under one arm, one under the other. You'd probably be moving faster if you didn't do that. You turn the corner and you're pretty close. You're like nipping at his heels right now.

He's running as well. Rugby tackle him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He turns around, sees how close you guys are. Clear eyes, strong hearts. He's going to tackle that motherfucker. You guys are going after him? Yep.

Okay, buckle your... Wait, are you being carried? Yes. throw me Well, you are faster on foot Throw him, throw him You can try to throw him That doesn't mean much Throw him at the other guy

Yeah, I know what you're saying Can you hold me near the ground as my legs are speeding up And then he puts me down Wait, are you actually throwing him? No, he's like speeding up and I'm going to lower him and then he's just going to boom. Okay,

whatever. Okay, whatever, you'll win. You get your wishes granted. And I get to go home and forget this ever happened. Hi,

I'm Adam. This guy, whoever it is, is leading you down like all these back alleys. I keep saying alleys. This is a sewer network. It's all alleys. It's all back tunnels's all these back tunnels and stuff okay like every alley every road here is circular just by the nature

just letting you know uh you're going down all these uh quotation marks back streets and back alleys eventually after a little bit the noise and bustle of the major streets is completely gone replaced by like a quieter sound of like homes uh some smaller businesses and just like very small foot traffic then after that it's replaced by just quiet all you can hear is like the soft movements of the sewage and your own like feet as they slam hard at that point you actually it's a little bit of a gift because every now and then he gets super far ahead of you, but you can still hear him very easily because it echoes. Neat. Good. You come to one

long straight bend. I want to draw this for you guys. Can I do the thing that Sonic does where you run up a loop and do a loopy loop? Yes! Fucking Sonic in that thing he does where he jumps and slams back down on you.

Yeah. That is the worst in Super Smash Bros. Brawl. Why isn't Sonic good anymore? I know what... Sonic Advance 3 is a ripper game. Is that on Game Boy Advance? Yeah. It's like the last good Sonic game I've ever played.

I never liked Sonic. I'll put that out there. Why not? That's fair enough. I don't know. Did you play any of the Sonic games? Yeah. What was your...

What was your... What was your... What do you got against it? Why are you talking shit about Sonic? It doesn't hold up compared to like the Mario games. And I've never liked them. Sonic will grind to a halt, really. Yeah, yeah. It's frustrating.

Because you're like, yeah, I'm getting momentum. I'm getting momentum. And then you hit just like one of those robot things. Yeah. It's you and your rings go everywhere. Yeah. Fucking fuck this shit. There was so much blast processing, which is what they sold that on. I don't know. You couldn't see what you in your rings guy. Yeah. Fucking fuck this shit. There was so much blast processing

which is what they sold that on. I know. Couldn't see what was going on. Yeah. Trash. Not a fan.

Mario? Super good. Some. I had an Atari Lynx. Alex the Kid though. Oh yeah, Alex the Kid. That was a great game.

Yeah. I recently finished the original Super Mario Brothers. A hard time. Yeah, it is. Okay, so I got a super rough picture Mario Brothers. A hard time. Yeah, it is. Okay, so I've got a super rough picture going. Let me describe it.

So you've got the tunnel that you guys were chasing this guy down. It ends at a T intersection. At the opposite end, you can see him standing at a corner looking back at you guys. And it's a him, you can tell now. He's pulled back the hood and it's a male. human human yes uh along this corridor you can see there are smaller pipes uh just like uh they're broken up by the by the tunnel itself so you can pass through them but they cross what is it parallel not parallel uh yeah parallel no not parallel

perpendicular yeah they pass perpendicular there's six of them in total broken by this corridor and at the either side where they get broken by the corridor there are flaps you're watching them for just a second and then from the one closest to you guys both of the flaps flick open and with a lot of pressure sewage water blasts between them run run run

up the other end with the guy you've been chasing you see Mark Bark and Dark kneeling on the ground tied up with I was about to say with black bags over their heads. You can't tell who it is then. So I guess they don't have black bags over their heads. Blindfold.

Blindfolded. Yeah, that's better. You idiots, where did you get captioned? Fucking Mark Barton Dark. Tell your wife. The guy at the other end gives you like a bit of a sly grin. And then three more people come from either side of the T intersection on the opposite end from you guys.

One of them is a female who you presume to be Elizabeth. Cat Mooney. Yeah. Or fish woman. Looking for me, she says. Well, not obviously. Yes, yes, we are. I just want you guys to know, every now and then that happens.

We're still running then, yeah? Oh, do you run through it? Oh, it's in front of us. Yeah, it's in front of you. It's between you and them. Or constantly. Or is it a time thing? You're not sure exactly how it works.

It just happens every now and then. So it's a risk to jump in front of it. You'd have to run through all six of them to get to the other end. Oh, they all do it. Okay. Yeah, they... Oh, well...

We presume. Yes. Maybe one of them doesn't. We are looking for you. Yes, you're right. Can we chat? Also, how'd you know? Your friends gave you up.

God damn it Mark Dark and Bark You don't know which one it was Which one was it? Obviously the one with the most fingers She says God damn it Mark Dark has no fingers What?

Bark only has fingers on one hand No I'm saying we cut fingers off To make them fall No we don't No we don't No no just Dark was to make them fall. No, we know. I honestly didn't know if you knew or not. You guys keep... I honestly, every now and then, I'm like

nah, the bar is low enough at this point. I can't possibly... Oh, oh no, they still... Bar needs to be set lower. Bar needs to be set lower. Yeah, it does. We just want to talk? Yeah, okay.

We're here. We're talking, she says. Is there anywhere without flowing shit we can go to? No. It's a sewer, she says. That's a good point, I guess. You're a sassy lass. Is this yours?

Raise up the cloak. No. She's blotting asking. Did you steal the diamond? She has to turn around so you can see it. Did you steal the diamond from the tower? No. You guys don't know.

You rolled. No, we know. No, you don't. So she says no? She says no, and that seems believable. No, we know. No, you don't. So she says no? She says no, and that seems believable. All right, then. We have our mates back. Can we have Mark, Bark, and Dark back, please?

You sure can. They leave. Right, so long. I guess it's the dwarf, then. It is. You still have the matter of retrieving your three friends. Wow! Mark, Mark and Doc, come here!

Just follow the sound of Suraj. For real? The sound of our voices. I'm going to die. Are we going to let this stand? I mean, I guess so. She could go, right? Heizel Lowe's, I'm going to say.

I mean, we could investigate further. You bet. Let's Heisel lows. I'm going to say. We could investigate further. You bet. Let's cut our losses. Gurg, heisel lows. Heis. The kind of thing is I kind of want them to get around. Buckle, heisel lows. High.

High? And Hyah, heisel lows. Low. All three. Washed away. Just drowned. Just drowned. low all three washed away just drowned just drowned adam's face is happy so i think things are sad at the midpoint as they're passing one of the things you see it happen but there's nothing you can do. The panels open up. Mark says,

is something... And he's okay. And he lives. No, it hits all three of them. Oh, no. My guys. But they didn't prove that useful. That's true. In the end, no.

In the end, you know, they didn't lead us to this guy. The hooded figure did. That's true. In the end, no. In the end, you know, they didn't lead us to this guy. The hooded figure did. That's a good point. Hmm. They're useless. They can die in a sewer. Mark and, I'm sorry, Bark and Dark get up.

Mark is gone. Mark! He was probably my favorite! There's that sewer water. All three of them get blasted, like, knocked There's that sewer water All three of them get blasted Like knocked prone into that sewer water Mark and Dark Get like up and are spitting it out of their mouths

And stuff like that Mark just doesn't get up That's right, Mark was my favorite He's got no fingers Last two No No, not Mark A? A? Class two. Oh, no. I'm going to not bark.

Eh? Eh? They live happily ever after. My lads. They've got sewage immunity. Is that a thing? That's a game. No one gets up.

Oh. All three of them are dead. Oh. But that's not good. Oh. Well. But that's not good. Oh. Well. What do we learn? What do we take away from this?

You know? You know, the way I look at it, it was me or them, so. In a way, yeah. They did give you up. Yeah, they gave me up like that That's true If I'd gone over there that could be me Like that They got

You know they just drop We've got actual shit to throw at you So You know it's sad I'll mourn their death But We can get them back if we want No well

Yeah no that's right I thought you meant from the sewer no I did not mean that perhaps not that's disgusting so I guess we find

this dwarf fellow then yep alright head back to our contact head back to your mate you'll have to wait

a day he said that's fine have a sneaky nap yeah have a rest have a bath have a sneaky nap have a rest have a rest and nap

I like that I'm disappointed you didn't have the fight Have a sneaky nap. Have a rest. Have a rest and nap. I like that... I'm disappointed you didn't have the fight. I don't want that fight. Well, I mean, after we find out that the dwarf is clearly not our guy, then we're going to be like, oh. Oh. We shouldn't have just taken her at face value.

We shouldn't have. Fuck. She had two cloaks. She just owned two cloaks. Or she lost that one and bought a new one. So many cloak options. Both those things make a lot of sense. Let's go back to this tavern and sleep.

Yep. Sorry you left. You lost your... Hang on. Scottish brogue. I didn't have much love for them, if I'm honest with you now. And they did sell you out. They sold me out. Us out, actually. It was me or them, and in the end, fate chose them.

So you go back to the tavern? Uh-huh. By the brown. What? That's what it's called. By the brown. The brown. I hate this city. Gross. You lived here for a while. I did.

I should know that. You know the brown. Back to front. It's not on my sheet. Just write the brown. The brown. Okay. Yes.

Good. You spend the night there. Everyone's full of hit points. Zook! Yay! I didn't lose any hit points. Why did I check? Thanks, brown.

I'll just look at my character sheet and go, good. Or Adam does all the math. Exactly. Yeah, I didn't lose any hit points. Why did I check? Thanks, Brown. I'll just look at my character sheet and go, good, or Adam does all the math. Exactly. I don't know if I did take damage or I didn't. I actually don't remember. I don't think you've been hurt. All right, go me. I think you're invincible.

And in real life. I might just jump out of windows in the game and in real life. You all need to pay a silver piece. I give him another gold. Where's my pants? Okay. You're paying a gold, aren't you? Yeah, gold. You guys just don't mark

any money. How many silvers is in a gold? It's ten silver to a gold, ten copper to a silver. That makes sense. And then it's ten gold to a platinum piece, but you will not see a platinum piece in your sojourn through Dungeons & Dragons. We'll see.

Back to the gambling table. Can I just trade it and be like, oh, no, you need 10 or 100? 10 gold to a platinum piece. Could I trade it and then I could have one? Not anywhere in the under... Shit hole of a land. Side mission? Side mission?

Side mission, get ourselves a platinum piece? We've clearly just met you on a boat with your three servants. Who knows what they were. Come with me, lads. I've got this idea. Come on, come on. Come with me. I've got you.

He'll be like, hello, lads. My name is Hjal Longfellow, and I'm on a quest to have illicit sex with a very fat woman. Would you like to join me? Yeah. I mean, we're not doing much else. I was just going, yeah, right. Okay, cool.

And I did. That's a beautiful friendship begun. I paid you away so many times, so it's fine. That's true. I've still got 20 gold. I'm doing okay. I don't know what I'm doing. Okay.

The next day, around maybe midday, what was his name? Bismarck. Bismarck. Ironman. Bismarck comes back. We'll just sit there playing cards. He's got two big thugs with him.

One of them looks like he might be a bit orc blood. Not half orc, but like there's, you know, somewhere down the family tree an orc slipped over the line. Shameful for the family. He's not smeared at all. Anyway, the other one's just a big looking bloke. And between the two of them, they're marching like this very sorry looking halfling.

They've got him both like... Yeah. They're marching a half very sorry-looking halfling. They've got him both like... Yeah. They're marching a halfling. Oh, no. You got the wrong one. Very sorry-looking halfling. He's got like a big bruise on the side of his face. They dump him on the floor.

Bismarck, like there are patrons in here. This is... No one cares. Nice. Bismarck comes around, kicks the halfling, and he like whimpers. And then he says tell the folks here What you just told me

He's out of the town He's He's a couple days south Please No more When did he leave When did Something or killer

Battletoads When did Battletoads leave? Kel Battleor. Kel Battleor, yeah. Kel Battleor. When did he leave? A couple days ago. Do you know why he left?

He said he needed to cash in something. I don't know. Cash in something? Since kind of like, well, we after, lads, isn't it? Bismarck, like, plants a boot on the back. Remember how I said this guy was big? And remember how Hobbit is about the size of a toddler, maybe? All right.

Bismarck puts some weight when he steps on the back of this guy. He's got a sturdy halfling skeleton. He'll be all right. The halfling skeleton. He'll be alright. The halfling like moans at first, but when the proper weight gets pressed on, the halfling starts like screaming a little bit. Bismarck lets up.

Is there anything else we need to know? He's got a bunch of people with him. He was, I don't know, some wizard wanted something from him. That's all I know, I swear. Sounds like our fella. You got direction, little halfling. Yeah, do you have a map?

No. Doesn't one of us have amazing skills at getting around? Yeah, no, he's good. In the forest. Yes! Is there a forest in the outskirts of town? You won't, you don't know. We don't have a map, but is there a tattoo parlor around?

I don't know if I've ever gotten a look of distaste from Adam so, like, powerful. Do we have a map? Why do you want a tattoo parlor, Jackson? What do you think? We don't have a map? Get a tattoo to my stomach or whatever.

Like prison break. Like prison break. Kind of like prison break. Only the first segment. You could just buy some paper and a pen. Well, it'll be cheaper. Probably the paper and pen. Fine.

Fine, whatever. I mean, if you want to be super boring, that's okay. Bismarck, can we have a bit of parchment? Surely you can include that. We gave him 10 gold. Yeah, no, surely he can sort that out. We gave him a lot. And he delivered what he owed for that 10 gold.

Do you have a parchment? I'll give him another 10. I'll give him one. He'll give you no. No. He'll give you the parchment and pen. Okay, alright. Pro bono. For my sanity. Thank you, sir.

Alright, little halfling, could you throw down a map for us, please? I was gonna get you to tattoo it, but... Sorry? Nothing. Throw that map. The halfling whips up a very crude-looking map. You reckon you might be able to navigate by it, but it's not very precise.

The halfling, like, looks at you, then, like, glances at Bismarck. Bismarck's just there with his, like, fucking arms folded. The halfling flips the paper over and tries again. Oh, good. It's a little better. I will take it. It's a little better. It is improving. It's pretty much just he like

traced what he had on the other side, made it a little bit more accurate. Okay. He added more detail. Does that mean it's reversed? Would, wouldn't it? I guess it would be. We need a new piece of paper. We should have got the tattoo.

Tattoo would have been easier, that's all I'm saying. If you got the tattoo, you wouldn't be able to get it done again. Do it on the back. Do it on the front. Do it on the back, flip me around, do it on the front. That doesn't work. We're out of luck. We cut our losses, just try something else.

Harbling's getting progressively worse. He looks super stressed by this. We'll take this map. It'll do. This is possibly the worst one. You might want to take one of the first. We'll take all three. Take all the maps.

And we can compile them. We'll deduce. We'll each take a map. Oh, we can't because one's... One's on the other side. All right. So someone write down two reasonable maps and one shoddy map. Gotcha.

Two good map, one trash map. Okay. Let's follow the map. Let's get out of this town. Let's get the fuck out of Dodge. Before you go, Bismarck's like,

do you need anything else? Horse. Sorry? Horse. Oh, horses? Yeah. Oh no, he said the horse. One giant horse. The biggest horse you've got. You can fit an orc, a human and a half. Really, I need to feed an orc and a human.

What kind of transport have we got in this world? If you've got a horse, if you've got horses, you can, you could probably like half your transport time. Yeah, Bismarck, can you source your horses? Good. Not one giant horse? No. Oh, well.

Oh, well, we tried. I do not know if such a horse exists, Bismarck says. I've had to smuggle a lot of things into a lot of places and out of a lot of places. Sure, but. And I've used land, sea, and on one memorable occasion, air to transport said items. Whoa. And I cannot say I have ever transported a horse

nor seen a horse transport such goods. We still have that one wish. We do. Giant horse. You know what? You're right. Giant horse. That know what? You're right. Giant horse. That's a good one.

Excellent. I'm going to come back and be like, hey. Bismarck, you fuck. I did it. And it will look even bigger because I'm small. It will. It will. And it will just even bigger because I'm small. It will. It will. And it will just be like, why?

How do you get up there? Like a proper ladder? Like I don't even care. You know the point that we just did like a tiny shut little pony as well. You'd have to have such an elaborate system of pulleys to actually use the horse. Like a little pulley with a bucket at the end. You get in, drag yourself up.

I can't wait for this giant horse. Are you quite done? Sorry. Yes, Adam. Sorry, Adam. You're traveling for a day. Hey, good. I'll take it. Not as quick as a big horse. Three little horses, that's fine.

Guess it'll have to do. Amazing. Okay, you managed to navigate all right using the maps you passed It's maybe getting to sundown when you're closing on this Did I actually describe

where the meeting was taking place? No. There was a meeting? The dwarf He was meeting a wizard Do you remember? No, you didn't describe where though There was a meeting? The dwarf. He was meeting a wizard. Do you remember? Yeah, yes. I did mention that. I did mention that.

No, you didn't describe where, though. Yeah. He just gave us a map. We went on his good authority. Cool. You're in a... Did you kill that guy? He was beaten up.

Is he dead? Doesn't matter. Probably died of his wound. Mark is taking care of him. Okay, good. He's dead. Yeah. Living the life of luxury, according to me. I'm not that good. He's dead. Living the life of luxury according to me.

I'm not that good. He's coming back into town. He's like outside the drawbridge, like upside down skin. Oh. How? But what? That can't have anything to do with Bismarck. He's a smuggler.

I'm not telling you that's not us, is it? Surely that's not us. You're right there. That's not you. Anyway, you got wildly off track. You're in a forest. Hey, that's good for you, Herg. You can see approaching

through the tree line. You can see this tower not unlike the one the gnome lives in, but instead of being a black, imposing structure, this the gnome lives in, but instead of being like a black imposing structure, this one's more just like made of stone and looks super old and dilapidated. Okay.

Crazy gnome had a better tower. Point that out. Crazy gnome had a better tower, guys. Yeah, like of the two towers. This one's crap. Yeah, this one looks quite old and disused. Shit. Maybe you should sell that gem and fix up his tower.

Do up his tower. Maybe that's what this is all about. Buckle. As you're approaching, you can quite obviously see there's like some sort of commotion-like type thing happening on top of this tower. It's hard to make out, but it looks like there's a bird dive-bombing something on top of the tower.

Like a dragon-shaped bird? No, a bird. Oh, okay. How far are we back? No. Your eyes are pretty good. Okay, cool. You can see this even from this distance.

It's quite obviously a bird. Gotcha. Regular-sized bird. Yes. Why I said bird? I'm just... It's a weird world, all right? Could be anything.

Could be a bird person. You never know. It's not. Just double-checking. Is this the direction the dwarf was going in? Yeah, this is... It looks to be this... Well, because it's the only structure around, you imagine maybe this tower is the dwarf was going in? Yeah, this is... It looks to be this... Well, because it's the only structure around,

you imagine maybe this tower is the... The meeting place? Yeah, the meeting place. Maybe we should just keep going. Yeah. Avoid this giant bird. Giant murderous bird. With nothing but ill intent in its eyes.

Eventually, the bird is gone, right? That's a bad omen, guys. I've got a bad feeling about this. Like, a tree passes over and when the tree is gone, the bird is gone as well.

You get a little bit closer. Do we know what happens if we don't get the crystal back in a week? Do we die? He was looking at the sky like something had to happen. We'll probably be okay, though.

He raised his hand. How long have we taken? Two days. That's fine. We get four. We're fine. Have a day off. Are you done? Are you quite done? Okay, so it's interesting that you said dragon, because as you

close about maybe 500 meters, sorry maybe 500 feet from the tower, your world briefly goes dark. You look up and who was it? I feel like he's punishing me. Gerg, you think the sun has gone out briefly. Hiya, and Buckle. I think it's an eclipse. Both of you notice a dragon-shaped creature in the sky.

When I say dragon-shaped creature, a dragon is in the sky. Gotcha. It swoops around the tower twice, then goes up and comes down for this really steep dive. When you imagine, because it goes into the tree line, so you don't see it hit the ground, but when you imagine it would have hit the ground, there's this massive like rumble

shakes the earth. Do you guys do sound effects in these? No, we're only checking. Sound effect. Everyone do an earth shaking sound effect. Let's see. I'm just thinking about who I am There's no people around to impress Hide

And wait for the dragon to go Are dragons easily impressed? Dragons? I guess it depends on the dragon What colour dragon? You didn't see What are dragons like in this world? I hope massive ones

They all get different opinions Some are good, some are bad Some are bronze, different opinions. Some are good, some are bad, some are bronze, some are silver. Some are neutral, some are magic, some are just nightmares. You've never encountered a dragon before? Right. You have no idea.

Do we even know that it was a dragon then? You know what a dragon vaguely looks like. That's a big bird. It flew over. We saw a small dragon before swooping the tower. How long until Adam snaps and just reaches across the table and punches me in the neck? Any second now, really.

Okay, let's wait till the dragon goes and then head to the tower. Okay. For a while, oh, not for a while, since the dragon, for a very brief period, you hear screams coming from the tower, and two bursts of fire appear through the treeline. Then everything goes really quiet. Thank God.

Probably safe. Problem solved. We head to the tower. You head towards the tower? Yeah. Okay. The tower, the last hundred meters. I head towards the tower? Yeah. Okay. The tower, the last hundred meters,

I keep saying meters, hundred feet, sorry. The last hundred feet to the tower. What? You aren't Australian. The coins are metric, but the measurements aren't. In D&D, it's all imperial, because D&D is American. And I like to keep to imperial units, just for consistency

while I'm in D&D. So the last hundred feet to the tower is just open plain. And that open plain just around the tower you can see like a couple tents maybe five or six

in total and a bunch of people scattered around the place as well. The majority of the tents, say, like, four of them, are either collapsed or on fire, and a lot of the people, like, of 20 people who would have been here, maybe five of them are still alive.

Is the dragon gone? You can't see any sign of the dragon. The tower still looks pretty fucked up. Like, one half of it is basically completely crumbled away, but that half is the half facing away from you. So you can't properly see into the tower. I'd like to go up to the five people and be like, Hi. As you approach,

they notice you. I don't need a roll. They notice you. Is anybody in need of a dragon slayer? Gosh darn fucking second. Three of them are halflings. Two of them are human. Okay.

One of the humans is covered head to toe in gore. Like blood, guts. There's like an intestine dangling off one of his... He's wearing armor. One of his shoulder pauldrons. One of the halflings is half covered in soot. As soon as you approach they draw weapons do not attack us

we are not enemies of you we're not dragons I'm not a dragon or a large bird in a very shell shocked voice the human not covered in gore yells stay away are you in need of a dragon slayer I say to them

they take a brief moment to consider that stay away Stay away! Are you in need of a dragon slayer, I say to them. They take a brief moment to consider that. Stay away! We're here to help. Well, of a sort. We're here to look for a dwarf, really. I'm sorry. They charge an attack.

God damn it. Oh, no. It's all right. They're fucking fucked up anyway. We got bows and arrows, right? Yeah, we just shit on their parade, it's fine They're already half dead Like it's sad It is, they're like shell shock from a dragon

Yeah What do they think? I'm covered in, I'm just gonna attack by a dragon Here's the people being like, hey we're friendly No, no, attack him Get him, get him I guess some people being like, hey, we're friendly. No, no, attack him. No, attack him. Get him. Get him. I guess they're not, like, mentally doing so great.

Yeah, it's true. I guess fair enough. Sad, though. Sad for when we slaughter these clearly innocent people. Yeah, you're first. Oh, sorry, I should say. The guy covered in gore, he's wearing, like, it might have been nice armor once, but now it's covered in gore he's wearing like uh it might have been nice armor once but now it's

covered in gore he uh drew like a great sword and charged you down okay the other human he's wearing just like robes and he looks to be um maybe like casting a spell or something like that he's doing arcane hand movements and you see him chanting something uh the three halflings try to space themselves around you they look like they're trying to flank you guys. Yeah, so, Hia, you're first. I'd like to draw my light crossbow and just fire at the one charging guy down here.

The guy charging you down. It's a two-handed thing. That's not how you hold a gun. Do you have a melee weapon? I do, but he's far away. I got a longsword. I just never use it. Are you far away for real? You have a longsword? Yeah, I didn't know that. There's a lot about me you guys don't know.

I got a lot of secrets. I also have that ring. That's pretty good. I also got a crowbar and a hammer. How am I fighting with them? I got a crowbar and a hammer. That's the noise it'll make. Thwomp.

Thwap. Like Spider-Man. Thwip. You missed. What? The crossbow bolt, you fire it. You take a knee and fire it at him. Yeah.

It just deflects clear off his armor. He keeps running, charging. Guess whose head's at sword level. Your main man. Oh, uh, fire Do I have a short bow? I believe you do I do

I think I half I'll take a shot at the guy That wizard dude The wizard? Cool Yeah, if he is a wizard Let's find out Did we need a wizard?

Have I forgotten our quest? I don't know, we're killing a dwarf Because he stole a gem For a wizard who's crazy But also the dwarf is meeting with a wizard This wizard? Maybe We just wait, we dress as the wizard Wait for the dwarf

Yeah We're like, thank you for the diamond dwarf Then we kill him Can we do like we all Get inside Which is hilarious because he's like Twice the size of me Then we kill him. Can we do, like, we'll... Get inside. Yeah, the good, yeah. Which is hilarious, because he's, like, twice the size of me, and I'm twice the size of you.

Yes. We're going to be very tall. Yes. The robe is going to just be, like, us and then you underneath us. The guy will be like, I've never seen you like this before. Except for a horse. The man stretches both of his arms out in, like, a flourish as part of the spell he's casting.

And as he does that, your arrow strikes him in one of his hands. He grunts with pain, but it doesn't seem to stop his spell. Gurg? I arrow at the longbow at also the mage. Get his other hand. Get him to the ground. That's the dream. Adam's happy you're dead.

Yep. Yep. Rest in peace. Crit fail? Crit fail? Gurgle. Gurgle as you die. In the line of fire.

Oh, no. Your attack hits the nearest ally. Oh, no. And there's a critical threat. What? Oh, no. You must roll to confirm the critical. Oh, gee.

I'm gonna say well, you're both basically equal distance. I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. 8. 4. Trick question, it's Jackson. God damn it. But I knew that.

Thinking of a number between 1 and fuck you, Jackson. It doesn't confirm, but you still take damage. That's fine. Is it? What is a critical threat? Just a critical success. Crit hap.

Yeah. You take five points of damage. Whatever. Sorry. Super blasé about this. It's fine. I'll take five points of damage. Fuck.

My bad. Yeah. So. super blasé about this it's fine I'll take five points I don't even give a fuck my bad yeah so you look like the wizard Gurg you draw you take out your longbow knock an arrow draw it

and as you're releasing it fucking Gurg not Gurg sorry fucking takes like that knee right in front of you,

and you're like, oh, oh no. You're like, no, it's about to happen, but there's nothing you can do as the arrow flies from your hand and strikes him dead center of the back. That's some spine damage, mate. Possibly. What are you, okay.

Okay. It's their turn. So that happens, and then that guy in the full plate charges you down. Oh, God. Sayonara, lads. Unreal. Yeah, it's been interesting.

It's been interesting. I will rob you. That's fine. I have $20. He brings... With both hands, he tries to bring the greatsword down on your head. You take your light crossbow in both hands.

And partially out of pain, like it's just a reaction to the pain, you arc your back and cry out. You lift the light crossbow up and the light crossbow catches the greatsword. Fuck yes. And you deflect it using that. Too good. Then it's the mage everybody cooks a life

everybody roasts from the inside like we were in a microwave why do microwaves cook from the inside that's what they say but it's always cold inside that's a very good question you know what I heard that I think is bullshit

you shouldn't have a microwave on without anything in the microwave. Why? I've heard that. Because it apparently breaks the microwave. But I think that's bullshit. That doesn't make sense. Yeah, I know, right? Like, it's going to be there either way.

Some microwaves work like a convection oven where you can heat them up as well. Yeah, true. Like, if you have two bowls of, say, delicious pasta to cook, what you do is you get a mug, turn it upside down, and you put one bowl on top of that mug, and the other one next to it, cook them both at the same time, mate. That's some genius right there.

Everyone has a good time. I use the word time too many times. So many times. Too many times. Too many times. Yeah, anyway. The mage stretches his hands outwards, and three bolts of magical arcane energy

leap from his hands. no they take like a very lazy arc through the air but they're very quick when they do it so it's like you know a bit of fucking um he's just he's just showing off yeah you're like he's just showing off and then the the bolt like bang hits you and you're like ah wish he hadn't, wish it just happened that I didn't see it coming. It's worse when you see it coming. It's worse when you know. Five damage to Gurg. Oh, no.

Jesus. I'm on a number. Who knows which? Four damage to Buckle. Halfway mark. Halfway mark. 50% done. Five damage. Oh, he's doing well.

To Hyah. I'm on two. We all have a health potion. Yeah, we all get a health potion. We're fine. Do you use a move using a health potion? Yes. So you can't attack and also drink. I can. I can do that in real life. Blug, blug, blug, blug, blug, blug, blug.

Stab, stab, glug, glug. Just take a little sip. Why did you do that in real life. Stab, stab, glug, glug. Just take a little sip and then stab. Just put it in your mouth. Clamp down. The halflings continue to try to flank around you. They won't be able to attack this turn, but on their next turn, they're going to come at you from all sides.

One of them is behind you, and one is to either side of your formation quotation marks. Hyah? I drink my potion. It's probably the cleverest thing to do. You recover eight hit points. Nice. I'm fine, mate.

I'm fine. You never know. Whatever. I'm invincible now, basically. Can't be killed. Wheels. Can't be killed. Wheels. Can't be killed. I mean, I am down a health potion.

How close am I to that wizard? Just attack him. Just leap on him. You're probably about 30 feet odd from him. So not rapier distance. No, you wouldn't be able to attack this time. Okay, throwing knives. You could do that, yeah.

How many can I throw at once? One. I throw two. But in this instance, Adam... I throw two. You can fire your spear. Fire your shortbow again. Was that a more effective weapon? It pretty much is, yeah.

Okay, sure, I'll do that then. Wait a minute, is this a trick? You can never tell! Because I'm only five. It pretty much is. Okay, sure, I'll do that then. Wait a minute. This is a trick? No, it's just you're like... You can never tell. Because they're both five. He's like, Adam, I don't know what I'm doing. So is this good? Which is a good thing.

Is this better? They're both the same, in your opinion. Which is the goodest. What if you could do it? The mage has both of his hands outstretched towards you guys as opposed to above him, which he did before. But he's got them stretched towards you guys just as the bolts had left.

And at about the same time the bolts strike you, your arrow strikes him. And you know how, you guys might not know this, but maybe you know that in the human head, there's a place where you hit it and then the head explodes. What? Is that so? Yeah, there is. That's amazing. You missed you hit it and then the head explodes. Is that so? That's amazing. You missed that part.

You hit him in the chest. But you kill him. I guess that's good. But you really kind of built it up. Can I yell at him? Thanks for shooting him with lightning, you bag of dicks. As he dies?

You can, I guess. That's my next move. I mean, like, the halflings and the human paws and they're like, what? That's a great one, Lionheart. Gurg, it's your turn. Anything near me. A halfling? No, I'm gonna try and

short sword him. Okay, you move up to him and you attack with your short sword. That wasn't quite a sword noise. You swing like a chopping motion downwards at the halfling. He darts out of the way, gives you like a little sly wink and says, ah, not fast enough, mate.

Eat him. Kill him and eat him. Good. It's their time. Rest in peace, these boys. So, first off, that guy with the greatsword? No, but I did the bow trick. Did you, though? He takes his sword out.

Like, it was a little bit embedded in your light crossbow. And then he tries to bring it down on you again. And this time you shift the light crossbow out of the way. Or not out of the way, but you're like... And block the sword with your face. No, no, no. You're trying to line the light crossbow up with him. As he brings his sword down,

his sword skips off the light crossbow again and nearly triggers it into his face. Nice. He manages to not do that, or you manage to not do that. I guess it really doesn't matter. Basically what I'm saying is you rolled a shit fail but didn't confirm it. Yeah, cool. My crossbow is the best shield.

You have a shield. You have a shield and a... He does. He has a shield and a longsword I assumed he'd be using those today but Nope The opposite Whatever

I'm not even furious The wizard The halfling Under the wizard's debt Sure So The halfling who you're fighting, Gerg

He puts both of his hands up He like had a dagger in his hands He drops that Puts both of his hands up. He, like, had a dagger in his hands. He drops that, puts both of his hands up, and he winks at you again. He's like, eh, you're a bit too strong for me. You see through the trick. He, like...

No, no, no. He's fast enough to catch it. When he, like, stomps his heel down, a dagger comes out of his boot, and he tries to kick you. What? Fucking shoe knives. Shoe knives McGee over here. Oh, boy.

Blinded, blinded, blinded, blinded, blinded, blinded, blinded. Crit, crit hap. It's a crit hap. For him. For him. A blinded. Momentum. Double damage and plus two on all your attacks for one round.

Oh, dear. Guess who's gonna die. So it's a critical hit. He gets double damage on the This turn. Yeah, he gets double damage this turn and next turn he'll get a bonus to hit him. We can kill him in between maybe. Yeah, hopefully. In a perfect world.

In a perfect world. You take eight points of damage. Jeez. He like kicks up into your kidney Or something You staggered No 1 because of your half-orc thing Hey Isn't it good to be a half-org

Half-org Half.org Stabs you in your kidney And at first you're about to collapse But then the like your orcish blood begins to you weak piece of shit

and you finally understand what that guy back at the docks was on about you're gonna rip a halfling's head off yeah

yeah man that's beautiful then two halflings gang up on you, Buckle. It's a halfling fight. It's a halfling off. I used to watch them in pits back home. Look at him go.

Can you actually shut the fuck up, please? Two goals on the feisty one. I'm not going to lie, it's not good. For them. No, for you. Oh, okayisty one. I'm not going to lie. That's not good. For them. No, for you. Oh, okay. Specifically. I tried.

I thought I'd baffle him. Throw it right back at him. I don't need to roll. You're down. I'm down. Minimum damage down to you. Okay. Okay. So what might outright kill?

All right. Hang on. You go down, they just keep stabbing you. So how does fifth ed work? Is it if you get negative something? Or is it like you get three chance? What happens is if you get reduced to zero or beyond hit points, instead of going to negatives or something like that, like you get reduced to 0 or beyond hit points, instead of going to negatives

or something like that, like you would in 3.5, in 5th Ed, when you get knocked to 0 or below, you just stay at 0, and then you become unconscious. And you'll see in the middle of your character sheet, it has something called death saving throw or saving throws? Death saves.

Death saves. Yeah, death saves. And you'll see it says successes and failures. Oh, yeah. What happens is you get like a roughly 50-50 chance there's a die I roll the dice

but maybe I'll get you to roll them. That's fine. You can roll them. You get like roughly a 50-50 chance of either getting a success

or a failure. They don't need to be consecutive but if you get three successes you're fine you stabilize your like wound sort of to be consecutive, but if you get three successes, you're fine. You stabilize. Your wound sort of doesn't fix itself, but you're not going to bleed

to death. If you get three failures, you do bleed to death. However, if you get reduced to zero and there's still damage remaining, if that damage equals or exceeds your maximum hit points, then you are killed outright.

So, for example, you are on four hit points, and your maximum is eight. Yes. So if they dealt a total of 12 damage to you, you would be killed outright. Awesome. How much damage did they deal? They have done a total of 11 damage to you.

Hold none by friend. That was fucking close. James, welcome to D&D. You're dead. You're dead, sorry. But I still have to win. You still have to win. Theoretically, one of your friends here could come to your aid,

and then you wouldn't need successes or failures. They could just medicine you. Pour some. Yeah, or pour a health potion down your throat. I feel like you ripping a guy's head off is more important. I feel that is too. Yeah. True. Obviously, whatever you want to do. Well, I'm out of a health potion. I've got

a health potion. Oh, yeah, that's true. Can you get it off me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll give that a go. He doesn't have to give it to you. You can take it off. You're almost touching his lips. Yeah. You doesn't have to give it to you. You can take it off. You can definitely take it off. He's almost touching his lips. Yeah. You don't have to. Don't feel obliged. You're pretty close to him. You could if you wanted to.

But then you would be fighting the guy with the great sword and two halflings. Okay, I'll run over and health potion him. Health potion him. Yes. I'll fight these guys. That's fine. Maybe use your sword and shield. Eh?

My shield's just added to my armor. I know how shields work. Buckle. Buckle. You take his health potion, right? Mm-hmm. Yes. You drank theirs.

I did. Oh, yeah, so you've got to take his. Mm-hmm. And you pour it down his throat. Yep. You are on full hit points again. Yay! See you.

Fist bumps and things. You're welcome, son. He's. Piss bounce the thing. You're welcome, son. I saw the light. I saw the light. It was close to death. 11 points. What? Nothing.

Don't worry about it. You're back. Fight these guys. I've had to fight three dudes at once. Okay. Buckle. I got this. You're lying on the ground staring up the two halflings and here.

You could theoretically sneak attack one of the halflings here because they're not really prepared for an attack from a dead man. Do it, man. How good. Absolutely. How many can I sneak attack at once? Just one. All right.

But that's all you need. That's all I need. It isn't. It isn't, though. There are lots. We can summon that dragon back. I know. Where's he at?

What? He just hates our tower. Okay. So one of the halflings is like, one of the two halflings tried to take a slash at you here. You guys, you know, just having like your little tussle in the combat. As he leans across Buckle to try and slash at you,

Buckle leaps, not leaps, but like launches up from the ground and stabs in a way very reminiscent of the half-orc you killed earlier, into this halfling's, like, just below his fucking chin. His under chin. His under chin. Unlike the half-orc, however, who was able to just tank that shot, halflings don't really

have the fortitude or constitution of a halfling. The neck strength. The under neck strength of an orc. And with several of his important neck cables cut, the halfling's head falls forward and just, he dies. He slumps forward and dies on top of you. I keep my knife?

Sorry? I got my knife? Yeah, you keep your knife. Excellent. Good. Okay. Good? Tear a halfling's head off, please.

I'm going to call the halfling a weak piece of shit. Nice. Good. Good openings. I miss my D4. Okay, cool. And draw my second short sword and try and double stab the cunt. Yes.

Oh, okay, cool. I'll give you the bonus on this one. All right. Adam said that it wasn't going to mean much in the long run. Probably not. You'd be surprised. You slip and die. Slip and fall before unbeknownst spin on appeal.

A tree root just appears beneath your foot. Both of your swords pierce either like side of the halfling you lift the swords up and you cut from like each side

on the halfling up around his arms you like take both of his arms and a lot of his chest oh my god just with gravity

you just lift up and the halfling's gravity makes him fall off. Who's quick now? Who's quick now? You cut him like a prime piece of fucking meat from a kebab. What do they call it when they put it on a spit?

A kebab tube. Spit. I hate you. I'm so looking forward to it. It's happening right now. Nah, I'll survive this. Okay, a couple things happen very quickly at once. I'm very strong.

The crumbling tower bursts as two sets of massive dragon wings break it apart. A dragon leaps up from the completely destroyed remainder of this tower. All three of you can quite obviously see in its hind claws, it is clutching a very large diamond. It flies away. There it is. There it goes. After after.

At the same time, here, you see darting through the ankle, not ankle, knee-high grass, an orange streak. It's coming for you like a missile. Like it knows who you are. A cat leaps out of the grass. No!

Yes! Fucking look at that! 20 and not 20. Motherfucker. This cat's gonna kill me. I didn't even plan that shit. It's getting a critical hit, motherfucker. Please don't confirm. Yes, it's a 19.

Ah! You dipshit! You're fucking dead, man! Adam takes his revenge. you're fucking dead man ugly wound normal damage and 1d3 charisma damage and 1 charisma drain my beautiful moon face

get fucked charisma drain I get Dorian grade wow so that's what that cat's been up to yep that's what he's been finding the spirit of me

two points of damage that's what he went for you specifically two points of damage two points of damage it's fine I'll kill this cat plus I'm not even

I'll kill this cat and this life and the next like it is it is done how I'll kill this cat. I'll kill this cat in this life and the next. It is done. How tubby is this cat? This is not a tubby cat. Hang on. We're not done yet.

Okay. Oh, God. How many attacks does a cat get? Surely one? Your charisma goes down by three points. Holy shit. How many charisma you got now? I got like 12.

That's so sad. I got 10. I'm still handsome as fuck. Every round is going to go down by another point. In fact, that scratch mark makes you look even more good. The furry orange missile leaps out of the grass, latches itself onto your face, and just starts fucking clawing at your face.

The cat leaps off, lands back in the grass, and you can see it properly. Well, barely through your fucked up eyes at this point. Why? Every round, you're like, you're like cut muscles in your face. Every round that this is not treated, your face is going to become more and more paralyzed and droopy.

Oh, God. You lose a point of charisma every round. What happens if you're at zero charisma? When you get to zero charisma, you fall into a coma. You're too ugly. No, it's just untreated, like this wound has been untreated

for so long. Jesus. The cat lands back in the grass and you get finally a good look at it. This cat has been through the fucking ringer. It's got the look of you ever seen

a big person who lost a lot of weight really quickly? That is what happened to this cat. There's flaps of skin empty skin hanging off it. One side to this cat. There is like flaps of skin, empty skin hanging off it. One side of this cat is all fucked up. It's missing hair all over the place, and you can quite obviously see it's blind in one eye. God damn.

God damn. What happened to this cat? A lifetime happened to this fucking cat. I guess the pirate city did not do this cat well. No. The guy with the great sword. Oh, he's still around. I will survive.

Does nothing because he's super freaked out that this cat just did some shit. Do you know this cat? This guy? I don't know this cat, but part of my soul does. Jackson and Zabit know this cat. This cat will end you, Jackson, if I have to make it happen. I will survive. I'll kill this cat.

I'll kill this cat now. The halfling who didn't see what just happened tries to have another go at you, Buckle. Hello. But you're aware of him now. The halfling who didn't see what just happened tries to have another go at you, Buckle. But you're aware of him now. Last time they did so much damage because there was two of... You know how you can do sneak attack on people? They did sneak attack on you. Because he doesn't have his

buddy here anymore, he can't do the sneak attack. So he's going to be less of a... He misses anyway. He slashes downwards, but you roll his body on top of you and the cat just gets him instead Kill your mate, dickhead Oh, that's me

I'm gonna stab this cat with my long sword just through the spine, please You get to finally throw it away You swing down and as you do, the cat darts out of the way and hisses at you. I'll kill you, you fucking cat. Michael, it's your turn. Oh, uh...

Hmm. Should I go for the cat? I think so. All right, I'll go for this cat. How close am I to the cat? You're pretty close to it. You can get up and attack it if you want. All right, rapier. Stab this cat? You're pretty close to it. You can get up and attack it if you want. Rapier.

Stab this cat through the middle. Fucking end it. You also lunge forward, but the cat leaps over, like, leaps. Does some fucking cartoon puss in boots level motherfucking shit where your rapier, like, digs into the ground and the cat lands on your rapier and jumps off it. What? Fucking cat. Gurg. the cat lands on your rapier and jumps off it. What fucking cat?

Gurg. So I'm going to turn and with my two short swords go for the remaining halfling. I honestly thought you were about to say chuck them at the cat. You're going to charge down and you can charge down the remaining halfling.

That halfling's like, what the fuck? Just like the strongest one there is. He dodges, like, he jumps over one of your short sword blows, but he doesn't jump over the other one. You catch him.

You, like, cut one of his arms off. The halfling falls to the ground. He's just holding the arm, looking up at you like Why? But he knows why Yeah, he knows why He goes like Is he attacked or something?

The halfling's like basically in shock You don't imagine this halfling's Going to participate in this fight anymore He's either dead Or he's out of the fight One way or the other Squash his head with your boots That'd be for the best

Next time I'm going to walk over him And get the great sword Yeah, good idea It's their turn again Next time I'm going to walk over him and get the great sword. Yeah, good idea. It's their turn again. You see some rubble shift from where the tower was. A big chunk of it falls off. A dwarf head pops out and you hear,

Dragons! Freaking dragons! Masquerading as wizards! Freaking dragons! All right. Excercating as wizards. Fucking dragons. All right. Good. What have we stumbled upon? What is this? We've come across something that none of us really expected today.

All I wanted to do was make love to a morbidly obese woman. The guy with the great sword is still pretty shocked at some of very recent events. He legs it. He just fucking legs it. That seems like the right move. The cat attacks you. God damn,

I will kill this cat. If it's me or the cat, the cat dies. I will not die to a cat. Not in this life, but in the last life. Not in my next life. Not in your next life. The cat leaps onto your face again. He can destroy my face.

I'll fight him as a skeleton. I'll fight him as a ghost. We will fight them in the beaches. You take four damage. Okay, maybe someone helped. I tried. I tried once. Run away.

I'm on four, so, lads. So, yeah, the cat leapt onto Buckle's rapier, leapt off the rapier, leapt onto your sword. Ah, fucking... And then leapt off your sword and onto your face and just went at it again. God damn it.

Your charisma goes down by another one. Fucking hell. Hyah? Um, can I? I was going to be like, bring my sword around and stab it. Oh, wait. Can I pull my crossbow up to the side of him and shoot it like that?

You can just... So, the cat being on your face... Yeah? The cat being on your face is just flavor text. Feel free to attack with your sword. For gameplay rules, reasons, it's just in front of you. I'll shoot the cat with my crossbow.

Because it's the right thing to do. How? How? He's on me! You try. Well, you know, when you can't see because a cat's on your face, kind of hard to aim, isn't it? You're aiming by feel, and by the time you line up the shot

by feel, Jigglem time you, like, line up the shot by feel, Jigglem, I mean the cat, is like, I know what's happening. Motherfucking, this motherfucking cat. It's hoarding you, Jack. Buckle. It's the cat. It's the cat. Oh, and the dwarf, if you want to fight the dwarf.

Technically, he's stuck in the rubble. You can go fight him. I'll leave him. I'll come back to him. Yeah, rapier, again, cat fight the dwarf. Technically, he's stuck in the rubble. You can go fight him. I'll come back to him. Yeah, rapier again. Cat on the face. God, I hope you stab him in the eye. Blind him in both.

No, not the cat. Oh, eye. I see. Hey, you get him. I see what this game is played. So as you try to fire the crossbow, the cat leaps off your face and tries to leap

onto your rapier, but it fucks up the jump this time. Yes, it does. Yes. Get ready to die, cat. I don't even care. I don't care. My hand is fine. He's gone.

He's dead. Rest in peace. Burn in hell. You skewer the cat pretty well well and it starts fucking freaking out on the rapier and you're like remembering in your head how close this cat is to your face and what it did to

fucking Hya's face, you're like, no, get off and you just let the cat slide off you've wounded him pretty badly but you haven't killed him I'm gonna charge that cat. Let's charge down that goddamn cat. I just know that

too sore. What the fuck is going on? You swing down twice, the cat leaps out of the way deftly, and all you hit is dirt. Damn. Damn it. Damn it. That's the cat's turn, isn't it? The cat like darts away in the brush again, leaps up onto like a nearby rock, just high enough That's the cat's turn, isn't it? The cat like darts away in the brush again,

leaps up onto like a nearby rock just high enough so that you can see him and it can see you. It like gets back on its hind legs, gives it like a shake forward with its front paws. What? And bolts of magical energy. What? What?

Excuse me. Excused. What? Leap forward at you. What? What? Excuse me? Excused. What? Leap forward at you. What? What happened? What kind of cat is this? You take four damage. I'm on zero. Staggered. You fall down.

I'm on one. One. The dwarf continues to struggle in the rubble. You need to make a death rubble. Tia? You need to make a death saving throw. Do you want me to make it for you? Yeah. Failure.

I'll be right. Got two more, mate. Got two more. Right. So he's at a distance at this point. Yeah, you could still... The cat can't move... Well, the cat can actually move fast,

but you could still charge him down if you wanted to. Okay. Rapier again. Third time's a charm. Charge the cat down, try to rape him. We will murder this cat. You get him. Is that your fucking rapier? Ooh,

fuck. So as the cat comes back down onto its front paws, it doesn't have enough time to dodge. You get the cat from its head all the way up to its butt. You shish kabob that cat. The cat goes limp on your sword.

I don't feel good about this because I feel like... I do! I feel so good about this. This is a legacy character. It's like, what the fuck just happened? Like, why is this... I'm gonna say you spend your turn doing this.

Looking at, like, the cat, looking at... Lose another point of charisma? My dead friend over here. I'm not dead just yet. I probably should have stapled your eyes, huh? Oh, well. Looking at the dwarf. I'm hoping for this. Okay, I'm going to get you to roll it this time

because I didn't mention this little caveat until the end because I wanted to save this part here. So, on the die, it's a 20-sided die. If you roll a one, that counts as two failures. If you roll a 20, that counts as two successes. So if you roll a one with your already single failure, it's a rest in peace. You can die.

Old Kja Longfellow. Hardly. It's a 12. 12. Okay, that's one success. Yes. Cool. Buckle.

You're back at the... You got any potions? Something? Would that help him out at all? Yeah, I got a potion. He's got one potion. All right. But that'll be something you do, I guess.

You can aim. Just waiting for his turn? Sure. Cool. Or dwarf. Yeah. You go to the dwarf? Sure.

Cool. Gerg. I'll go go to the dwarf? Sure. Cool. Gurg? I'll go over and stabilize this bugger lug. Give him a potion. And then shove on to the dwarf. You're on seven hit points, so... Yeah. And then just...

To the dwarf. What the fuck's going on? That's a very good question, the dwarf says. What the fuck is this? I had a meeting with a wizard who wanted a fucking crystal. Uh-huh. You know what shows up instead? That fucking big dragon.

Dragon turned into the wizard, was like, thanks, mate, turned back into a dragon. Was it a gnome? Because the gnome was like, I want you guys to get the crystal. Some fucking elf. God damn. What's a cat? Can you help me here? He's like trying to shift rubble on himself. Yeah, I do. He's like, what. What's a cat? Can you help me here? He's like trying to shift rubble on himself.

Yeah, I do. What's up with that cat? I don't know. He was here. He's dead. The cat, there was a bunch of animals here. You have no idea the fucking day I've had. I show up at this goddamn tower.

There's a bunch of fucking some cats, some birds, animals. I don't know if there was some experiment. Was this a mage tower? Probably a mage tower. There's a bunch of fucking some cats, some birds, animals. I don't know if there was some experiment. Is this a mage tower? Probably a mage tower. There's some magic going on here. Animals magical. Attack me. What the fuck? I just, I'm like, I defeated the animals. I'm done.

I'm done. It's done. I'm good. And then the dragon lands, and the dragon's like, hey, you thought your day was over? It's not. Fuck you! The dwarf sits down. You okay, buddy? No, I've had a bad day. Kind of give him a bit of a shoulder hug.

He's all right. Don't worry, mate. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It is, though, he says. Yeah, I guess Yeah kind of

Is it me? How'd you get in the tower? What do you mean? Sorry Partially When I got here It was mostly broken No no

When you stole the crystal That? I'm just a good thief That's pretty good I guess That gnome is angry That checks out That checks out You work for the gnome?

Well Wonderful Well this crystal's gone Eh He's not gonna be happy No That checks out. You work for the gnome? Well, I wanted us to get it. Well, this crystal's gone. He's not going to be happy. No, I fancy not. This was never about the crystal, or it was. I'm not sure.

Did we win? Did we fail? I feel that this is a failure. Can I pull the cat off the rapier? I assume you took him off. I'd like to pick him up and just hold him under my arm. I don't know why, but if we find a well, I'm gonna put this cat inside it.

Let's not question that. It's happening though. So, you guys return to town eventually. Do we? I feel we should. Oh, will you? Do we? Like, are we fucked up?

You guys have got horses and a free open world and a lot of places where no gnomes will try to get revenge for taking their health potions and not delivering on the promise. Do you want to squirt the gnome and make you feel better? Do you want to go back and just be like, hey, gnome, this is what happened. Sorry. Squirt him with some water.

I will just kill you. There will be no rolls. I think what I'll do is I take the dead cat. I flip it over my shoulder. I'm like, you know what, lads? I point like away from Lithgow. I think Adventuro it's somewhere other than here. Get on my horse.

Let's go find a well. Let's go find a well. You ride off into the sunset. Good. And we'll leave these adventurers there. See you next week for season two of D&D is for Nerds. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account?

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