D&D is For Nerds - Into the Island Jungle of Dendar #10 Pyrrhic Victory

Episode Date: January 12, 2019

Where we interrogate a Yuan-Ti prisoner.Sign up to our newsletter here; http://eepurl.com/cM3in9Join our facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/Watch us stream here; https://www.twitch.tv/sanspantsradioYou can now physically send us stuff to PO BOX 7127, Reservoir East, Victoria, 3073Give the gift of Sanspants! https://sanspantsplus.com/give-the-gift-of-sanspants/Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: https://sanspantsplus.comPodkeep: https://sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: https://audiobooksontape.comMerch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail]: https://twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: http://www.sanspantsradio.comFacebook: https://facebook.com/SanspantsRadioReddit: https://reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Adam: https://twitter.com/RetroArchetypeCass: https://twitter.com/CassCassPaigeTom: https://twitter.com/AwkwardTreedShanks: https://twitter.com/timtimfed Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

SANSPANS RADIO, A VIABLE ALTERNATIVE TO THE SILENCE that you vomit. I'm hosting, and it'll star a whole bunch of Sandspans people and comedians. Grab your tickets now from the Melbourne International Comedy Festival website or from our own website, sandspansradio.com forward slash live. Welcome to episode 10 of Into the Jungle Island of Dendar, a D&D is for nerds adventure. Previously.

Linus puts a giant gauntleted hand on your arm before you can hit yourself a second time and says, please, try again. Okay, mister. Is it alright if I call you dad? And I start playing. I think it is, son. I think it is.

The first wave will be the easiest to deal with, but it will also be the most numerous in enemies. These giant snakes, would you say they're a beast? Yes. Good, just good to know. Make a DC 16 saving throw with your spellcasting ability on a failed save you age 5D10 years. So you just said,

oh, you don't have any fucking legs, and then died of all that. Goodness, you're facing down two yaunty purebloods. You actually don't feel, you feel a little confident. Like it doesn't, they weren't able to land a hit on you. They don't look like incredibly amazing fighters. I'm also sourced, so I feel great. Yeah, four snakes attempt to take down Linus.

Oh no, Linus, I mean. No, actually three try to take down Linus. One attacks you still. Fires. Wise. She scores a critical hit. I told you. Eruption, triple damage.

Whoa. Jesus. I want to do my thaumaturgy and just do like a big lightning bolt like a fucking badass fucker. Thunder splits the night sky, illuminating your slightly bloodied face. And red eyes. Lunabon, the giant

snake is quickly coiling itself around you. It's your turn. I would like to ask the snake Hello? Why are you doing this? Please. Please tell me. What's your name? Sacrifice for tender. What do you need? I'll give you whatever

you want. Sacrifice for tender. Who's tender? You could literally spend your time doing this. The god of the aunties. You don't have to do what they say. You're more powerful. I want to sacrifice for Tanda.

I know there's a hundred animal friendship. There's nothing I can do to help. Maybe. Okay. I say, I'm so sorry. And you produce flame in hopes that he drops me. So you don't hit him with the produce flame, you just produce flame? I produce it on where he's touching me. Do you want to make an attack with this, is what I'm asking?

Yes. All right. You'll make the attack a disadvantage because it's a ranged attack that you're making while you're being grappled. But my hand's setting on fire and he's touching my hand. Unfortunately, because it's a ranged attack, it shoots out and it shoots out like, well, not necessarily, not really like a weird way or anything like that. But just the way that it works, unfortunately, the spell needs to be aimed and you kind of need a little bit of distance to be able to judge that. Well, that's actually quite good as long as i get him and he drops me you will also need to make a check to to cast the spell unfortunately while being grappled pardon because you're grappled oh you're

okay the spell requires you to say and do magical motions yeah uh say magical words do magical motions which is difficult while being grappled so you you'll need to make a check to do the spell, and then you'll be making the attack a disadvantage. Yep. All right, cool. So long as you're just aware. Thank you. So, you... I get a bad boy card.

Oh, no. Unless anyone can help with the check. Advantage on a skill or attack roll. Advantage? Yeah, no, advantage is really good. Oh, thank you. Spend the card. Yep, you pass.

Then, at disadvantage, you make the attack. So fire leaps into your hand. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. You critically fail on this. What? What if I get a plus four? I want to see these dice.

I'm sorry. you just did. Fortuitous circumstance? Fortuitous circumstance. All I want to get is... All right, well, you can play the fortuitous circumstance and I'll see what the critical fail is. Oh, no.

Oh, no, he's dancing. Oh, no. This is awful for you, Lunabon. Why? Avoid traveling circuses. Make a DC 16 saving throw with your spellcasting ability. On a failed save, natural beasts with intelligence 4 or lower are unhappy in your presence, reacting to you as it fits their nature for 1d6 days. No!

No! No! No! No! What the F? That's not going to fix it. It can't affect dice rolls, but I will find some fortuitous circumstance if you're spending the card. I'm spending the card, yeah.

You fail this saving throw, unless someone can help her. I have nothing. For saving throws? No, sorry. You fail this saving throw unless someone can help her. I have nothing. For saving throws? No, sorry. You fail. For six days. Oh! The maximum period we could have gotten.

Natural beasts with an intelligence four or lower are unhappy in your presence, reacting to you as it fits their nature. The snake immediately... No, it'll be on its turn all right well i'd like does that affect paula what do you want gal to do um i want to use my bonus action to do a healing word to myself do i get dropped uh that'll be on the snake's turn oh no paula do i know why they're all gonna be sad with me you recover recover. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So as you're drawing, so there's a, everyone manipulates, when you're using magic, you're manipulating the weave of magic. There's like, kind of like invisible energy, strings connecting everything around you. When you're using magic, you're pulling, pushing, manipulating that weave of magic.

Everyone does it differently. Some people get basically the weavers manipulated for them by gods. That's how clerics work. Other people like wizards just know how the weave is manipulated and they pick at the right strings. They're very delicate and they're clever about it. Druids, only when it comes to nature do you have an innate gift just a natural knowledge of how the weave works you actually to speak with animals that's how what

you're constantly doing you're constantly manipulating the weave of magic between you and another animal to give them understanding of their speech of your speech and vice versa as you draw the flame into your hand and hurl it not really at the snake but kind of at the snake you can feel one of those magical strands snap it breaks and whips back at you slapping into you you feel the magical weave all around you shudder and you can feel it affecting the animals nearby you can tell you can feel it affecting the animals nearby. You can tell the effects of what just happened. A similar thing actually happened to you when

you aged, Molto Bene. Okay. That's fucking awful. How unlucky have we been in this game? What's gonna happen to Goody? I killed two people like that and I've lost three hit points so I'm doing fine.

Yeah. Because you're so sloshed. Because I got smashed. You should have drank some of that rum. Also though if I had to do anything

involving intelligence I'd be fucked. You recover four hit points. That's true. Because I'm ten. I'm basically brain damaged.

I'm so drunk I'm brain damaged. That's perfect for a fight. It is. That's why fights always happen at bars that end really well.

Yeah. If you're going to have a fight, pick it on a drinking night. That is a great poem. That was great. Thank you. You got that tattooed across your back here. Oh, down the side of my ribs. So when I rip my shirt open to fight,

and then I ride as I come up to body slam someone doing that elbow one. That's the last thing I say. Yeah. What do you want Garl to do? Garl, can you please? I feel like I'm barely a quarter of the person I once was. Garl can't lay his hands upon you, though, because you're grappled with the constrictor snake.

So he can't heal you as well as he could have, but he can use healing word like how you used healing word. Actually, he's going to use it. Whatever. He powers it up a little bit. Thank you, Gal. You recover eight more hit points. Putting you on 15 in total. Yeah.

Then... I'm nearly half the person I once was. You'll never get back down. Then it's Molto Bene and Linus' turn You continue to play the Play the spell that is Entrancing the two snakes You could do something else if you wanted to

Well you could give Bardic inspiration To Linus because he's already used The Bardic inspiration you gave him before Yeah cool I'll do that In your singing you Say words of encouragement for Linus to help him fight. And you can also cast a spell. Things don't look that dire yet, so you might want to try another vicious mockery.

Or if you have another spell that you like the look of. No, I think I'll go vicious mockery. It worked well for me last time. All right. Please use the same insult. Hey, snake. Alright Please use the same insult Hey snake Also Linus you're really cool And doing everything You still got no legs And yeah

I don't mean it as much because I'm kind of like Deflated and upset You got a little chuckle out of me so double damage If you remember that rule that I do So What was I going to say? You want to know what I just realized as well? And this is, people are going to be screaming at me at home. So, I just realized that you shouldn't have, I'm still going to do it because it's very funny, but you shouldn't have aged.

What? Because I realized that it was them rolling the one, not you. Wait, so I didn't critically fail you technically didn't know but you absolute fucking bastard i forgot you absolute get a good boy um get a what get a good boy okay okay oh oh oh reduce age 38 years find your joie de vivre um no i'm glad i've aged it's fun it was fucking hilarious man uh you deal five points of damage to that snake it collapses it it's so upset by what you've said i love it that's a fun spell you you can't understand animals, so it was only if Lunabon was there.

But if Lunabon was there, she would have heard the snake say, Me? And collapse. But I thought I had legs! I thought I was all leg. Then it... Oh, and Linus. Do you want to direct Linus to do anything special?

Otherwise he's just going to attack. Nah, he can just do what he does. Linus. Well, that one's going to miss unless... Now it hits. So we use the bardic inspiration again. And that one will also be a hit. He downs two more snakes.

Oh, Linus. Like he downs them like he's drinking them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Snakes, the shot. Yeah. Yeah. Snake bite? It's her shot.

Imagine slapping an entire snake. I think you would choke and die. No, I don't know if it comes out. So you are fighting three... Straight down, straight through. You're fighting three snakes now, two of which have been entranced by you. Okay, cool. And then it's their turn.

Sorry? Nothing. Yep, cool. That snake attacks Linus. Ooh, critical hit. Something slipped. Quadruple damage, and your AC is reduced by a D8 for a D8 rounds. Hashtag life-threatening.

They have hashtags on the card. No, all the different... So the way the cards are meant to work, but I don't do it because I'm evil, but also kind. It hurts both. It's a double-edged sword so all the cards have a little thing up the top that says uh life-threatening or deadly or embarrassing that sort of stuff and those are actually meant to be so i'm only meant to put life-threatening cards into the deck when the players reach like level 15 because they're extra bad uh but i haven't done

that i've just put all of the cards into the deck both the embarrassing ones which are like you smell a little now and the life-threatening ones which are like quadruple damage and your ac is reduced by a d8 for a d8 rounds but it's a double edged sword so like you also have cards that will do this when you get critical hits like eruption and that's snake lady exploded yeah yeah, yeah, like that, yes. So it's, I just find it very fun that suddenly you could be doing four times damage or they could be doing four.

Anyway, this one does four times damage against Linus, which is just bad for him. Oh, God. Oh, no, but Linus is Linus the Brave. 16. Linus takes 32 points of damage. Oh, my. But Linus is Linus the Brave. 16. Linus takes 32 points of damage. Oh, my God. Linus!

Linus! He makes his saving throw, so he doesn't take any poison damage, but his AC is reduced by 4 for one round, which will make him easier to hit next turn. The snake sinks its fangs deep into linus's leg and then jerks linus cries out in anguish and is brought to his knees by the attack the snake lunabon that is holding you immediately lets go get away get away the yaunty pure blood that is riding it is kicking at its uh she's riding just behind its head she's kicking at uh i guess its shoulders and hissing at it no turn back you foolish sack of skin

it slithers away and escapes you will not have to deal with this snake that's your fortuitous circumstance oh thank goodness but is it also because animals now hate her yes left. They left her. Yeah. That is exactly why that happened. Yes. You're revolting. But the animals are revolting against me.

And then it is Lunabon and Garl's turn. You're freed. Garl can heal you again if you want. He's got a lot of healing magic. So the snake is gone now. Yeah. We're safe. It just left magic. So the snake is gone now. Yeah. We're safe. It just left.

Yeah, that one did. Okay. You can see that the fight is still going in your favor. You're repulsing the first wave. So I can see that Goody and Molto need help. Yes, you can. I've just come over to you. They're on the other side of town, though.

So it's a ways away. You can start making your way there now, though. May as well. Oh, no, the next one's going to come from here as well, isn't it? Actually, Goody doesn't need help. Goody's fine. He's coming towards you. No, Seahole's coming towards you.

Sorry, Seahole is coming towards you. I'm heading towards Molly. I don't know why I keep forgetting that. Okay. Gal, I seem to have inflicted some awful happenstance upon myself and animals don't want to be around me at the moment that's why that snake left paula paula hey paula's not with you you left paula with green chapel remember no you did you left paula with green chapel for safekeeping she was stressed i remember exactly i made a note of it because it's not important.

But yeah, Paula's with Greenchapel. Oh, no. Okay. Okay. Could you please heal me some more? I think this will help us in the battle. And I'm glad we don't have to hurt anything. But I didn't know I'd get so hurt.

You recover another 13 hit points. Thank you, Gal. Gal looks... Well, he doesn't really understand the pain of... Like, he doesn't care that much about animals. If an animal doesn't like him, he's not sweating about it. But he can see that there's anguish in you. And so you can feel...

He feels empathetic towards you. He tries to console you, but he doesn't know the words to say. While that's happening, Dog runs past. Buck, Buck, Buck, get out of here, you snakes! Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof! No, no, Dog, no, I'm sorry, Dog. He turns tail and runs in your presence.

I cry. Oh, no. The snakes will eat those tears. That's fine It's fine it means we don't have to hurt anything But I don't want to be around me Goody you are You rushed the aid of Molto, Bene and Linus

You're there Goody I did not Holy shit how much did I drink It is hard to explain man I don't know what's going on. My knees don't work. I'm thinking about insurance.

I don't have a super. Gritty. Linus is down. He was the bravest one. Linus is still standing. Oh, okay, it's fine. He's brought to his knees. Well, Linus may be brave, but I am Dutch brave. Oh.

Or something. Or Finnish brave. Or I'm going to pick this snake up and punch it in the mouth. Please do. Oh, shit. I've got to get my... I'd like to pick up the snake that attacked. Because there's two that are still enthralled with him.

I'd pick up the remaining snake and punch it in its mouth. All right. With my martial arts. Oh, and my sword, I guess. Your first attack will be a miss unless you have anything for melee attacks. I have nothing. All right.

So your second attack, however, is a hit dealing. Is it a surprise attack because I've come from another direction? No, the snake saw you coming. He came from the north. Look to the north. On the third day. Oh, fuck.

I'm an idiot. I don't know Lord of the Rings quotes. That's okay. I actually said that randomly. Neither do I. Nah. Just kidding, I do. Abort.

I was going at another joke because that one didn't get laughs. Did I kill a snake? Fuck you guys. You deal five points of damage to the snake, killing it. You grab it by its head and snap its neck. It's all neck. No, it's not. Oh, that's a good insult for later. You're all

fucking neck. You grab the snake by the head, give it a jerk and you hear a crack and the snake goes limp in your hands. Question. Would this snake look like good as a scarf? It's a bit big for that. I'd wrap it around my neck anyway. Alright. Put its tail in its mouth and make it an Ouroboros.

Yeah, I have heavy armor now. What? You don't. Snake doesn't count as armor. Well, it's around my neck anyway. Feather boa. Ah, look. Feather boa const neck anyway. Feather boa. Ah, look. Feather boa constrictor. Feather boa.

Yes. Feather boa constrictor. Snakes do not have feathers. Only, well, some do in D&D, but this snake does not have feathers. I will get a bird, I will pluck it, and I will give this snake feathers. Only, I think, flying snakes have feathers. And kuatel, or whatever they're called. It's a thing that gets...

Do you remember Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them? That creature that gets as big as the container it's in? It's also in D&D. I think it's called a cootail or something like that. I just remember someone having a go at me for not remembering the name. Anyway, that has feathers, I believe. It has like a mane of feathers. Cool.

You're not good at pretending A pizza box story is interesting No it was great So these pizza boxes right Dear listeners Adam take it away Alright so I think it's in Australia I don't know if they ship internationally

But there's a company that makes pizza boxes Right And you're just all gonna there's a company that makes pizza boxes right and you just all gonna you just all right there's a company that makes pizza boxes yeah and they they put like news articles on the pizza boxes and uh every time i see that it's very funny for me because i know that the company's like hey send us in news articles about your uh about your pizzeria and we'll make we'll make the pizza box with the news articles on it. It's like, oh, look, someone gets the pizza box, and it's all the news articles about your pizzeria. They can read as they chew.

And people just like the look of the newspaper pizza boxes. They don't care to send in newspaper articles. So they just ask for the boxes. And the company is like, put we'll put the news articles on it but pizzerias don't care so every every one of those boxes all have the same exact layout because they um no one ever changes it and all the articles are just like random yeah they're all just like random headlines and they've got what's that it's not latin it's greek it's like ipsum something something it's like yeah yeah laura mipsum it's just default holder text and so they all just

have that written on them and so uh yeah i don't know if that's outside of australia but i know it's inside of australia which reminds me that uh i was on the dnd website the other day and um i the other day it was quite a while ago, actually, it was, like, oh, trying to remember, it was, because I was looking it up for some, one of the D&D book launches, it was, might have been Mordenkainen's Tomb of, not Tomb, Tome, sorry, Mordenkainen's Tomb of Tome, Mordenkainen's Tome of Foes, or it might have been the book before that, Follows Guide? I forget.

Anyway, I was looking up for one of those books. And I was just on the D&D page. And I came to a page that just had the title Ipsum, whatever it is. And the text was just the thing there. And I was like, oh, this is very funny. On the D&D homepage, they just have, obviously, something that's gone live. But they haven't properly. It's like in their web directory not directory web map it was live on their website but someone had obviously missed didn't mean to put it live or they thought they'd buried it so deeply about something so

obscure that no one would have been searching for it but i was searching for it so i found that page and i wanted to tell someone but i didn't know who to tell. So I didn't really say anything about it. I guess I kind of regret that now. Tweeting about it would... No. No, it wouldn't have been great. But my last tweets have only gotten, like, 30 likes, so I'm getting less and less popular, I reckon.

I'm done. This was outstanding. Like a scarecrow, it was outstanding in my field. Yep. Oh, no. I've got to come back. Whose turn was it? I've just had my turn.

Is it Seahorse's turn? Can I get her to... Can she still hear me? If you yell, I guess, yeah, over the sounds of combat. No, actually, never mind. No, I said nothing. She can't hear you. I'm so sorry.

Damn it. Yeah, it sucks. I was going to get her to turn around and kill these two snakes. She'll probably come... Well, actually, she'll probably help the town. She's't hear you. I'm so sorry. Damn it. Yeah, it sucks. I was gonna get her to turn around and kill these two snakes. She'll probably come. Actually, she'll probably help the town. She's lost to you now. Lost to time. I'll send her to these guys. There's only two snakes left that you guys are fighting that are enthralled. It actually looks like the fight's

starting to die down. The city has won. Wave one? Yes. They've won wave one. Oh, thank god. I don't feel so good still i'm just making noises now i got no point um it's next turn yes they're just yeah they're just paying attention to thing lunabone and gal what do you want to do okay um well i suppose seahorse coming over do we know seahorse coming yeah you could we know Seahorse coming?

Yeah, you could see Seahorse sprinting across the town towards you. Okay. Actually, you know what? Sorry, I'm going to go out of initiative. We're going to say that those last two snakes, because they're enthralled, you just finish them off. It's the end of the fight. We'll go out of initiative. Just act however you want.

You can tell that the auntie raiding party, if you will, is falling back. They're leaving the town. The town erupts the cheers. They won. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. I thought there were three waves. I count one wave. That was only round one.

I am drunk, but I am not so drunk that I don't numbers anymore. Jesus. Linus is walking through town. Oh, not walking through town. uh linus is walking through town or not walking through town but he he walks up against a building or the wall nearby and just rests himself against that you can see that his knee is mangled wait wait no no but seriously i thought there were three waves of snake things why do we only have one are we all together now uh yeah you can reassemble with gar line well yeah gar linus and seahawks seahawks what the fuck? Goody's right. I don't know.

Usually there is three waves. Unless perhaps they've already taken what they needed. We should do a head count. Make sure everyone's still here. Son of a bitch. Yes, head count? Let's do the head count. All right.

You go through town making a head count of everyone. How's Dr. Ant still here? Hey, has anyone found the man who designed our boat? Dr. Ant is gone. Or Drant, as his name is. Dr. Ant. Drant is gone. Oh, Malto.

Oh. Don't look at me. Malto, what? I don't know. You look like you've aged, oh, 30 years. 38. That's how I feel inside, at least. Well, you look great.

Really? For 38 years? I have to, man. I do like the beard. Oh, it's. 38. That's how I feel inside, at least. Well, you look great. Really? For 38 years? I have to, man. I do like the beard. It's a nice look. A beard? What is wrong with that dog? Fetch.

I'm so sorry, Fetch. Wait, Lunabone, what happened? What did you do? Hey, dog, what are you ground for? This is your good old friend, Lunabone. I'll kick you into a wall. Fetch, I'm so sorry, please. Fight me.

Fight me. Fetch, no, I'll never do that. Fetch, I'm so sorry. Can I scare the dog with my scary face? You can try. And scary eyes. And the thermokinetic. No, I want to comfort the dog.

I'm not afraid of you. Now he's growling at both of you. Let's just leave. Fetch, I'm so sorry. The three of you make a gruesome discovery at the Greenchapel residence. You motherfucker. The back wall has been partially torn away. You can see there's a little bit of blood on the floor.

Paula and Greenchapel are gone. But before we go on, a quick word from our sponsors. Also, Jack, you had something you wanted to say? Yeah, I just wanted to give everyone a quick reminder that this Melbourne International Comedy Festival, I'm going to be hosting the world's least pleasant game show. Big deal. Grab your tickets from our website,

sanspantsradio.com forward slash live. Anyway, Tom? I have never felt such a low of lows. I go to the brandy cupboard, I take out a brandy, and I just sit down on the floor and drink the brandy. I fall on the ground. I have nothing to do now. Drant is gone and Precious

is gone. Precious? Precious could have just bolted. They're probably not taking it. You mean Precocious? Precocious. Precocious. Sorry. I'm thinking of a different cat. They're also kicking around town. Precious is here. Precocious is gone they're twin cats oh my god green chapel's gone and green chapel's i i run into green chapel's bathroom and

just like like look in the mirror and i like take in what i look like you have aged not incredibly 38 years is a lot even for a halfling but it's not as much as you might be worried about. You could live to see 250. So an extra 38 years sucks. I start crying. I'm just like weeping in the mirror. So you're weeping in the mirror. You're on the floor a mess and I'm just getting smashed on brandy.

The mirror has a dolly stitched around it. You could use that to dab. It's quite clearly meant to. There's like a that to dab. It's quite clearly meant to... There's like a hang for it. It's quite clearly like a hand towel. You use that to dab at your eyes as you cry. And then I punch the mirror and smash it. It's probably actually a metal mirror,

so you dent it, but you don't... That's fine. You break it a little bit, yeah. That's fine. Oh, this did not... Are the other three still with us? Seahole, Linus, and Gal Yeah

Yeah, they're still here I'm drunk and angry and upset and hurt And in my misguided drunk angry upsetness and hurt I'm going on a mission I'm going to find the fucker that built that fucking boat And I'm going to choke him out in the middle of town Gal says that's of no use to us We should track them down to their lair

We need to find them That's a better idea But I do want to choke a little man Garl says, that's of no use to us. We should track them down to their lair. We need to find them. There's a better idea, but I do want to choke a little man. If we find them on the way, you can kill him to death. Let's find them, though. Thank you. What? Before Paul, what with the dog?

All animals don't like me at the moment. Why? Well, I'm guessing it's probably something similar that happened to you. I tried to cast flame so that a snake would drop me, but I wouldn't hurt it. And instead I made all animals hate me. I am deeply

sorry for your tragedy. Would you like some of this brandy? Yes. I have drank all this brandy. I will get you another one. Oh, gosh. Animals are so much better than people. And I've got no one. You got us.

You got us. But I'm an empty man. I got you, babe. Sunny, what are you doing here? I'm back You're wandering around Hope Looking a bit morose Maybe because you just discovered

The losses that each of you have sustained You're feeling a little maybe What's the word? Without direction Drunk? Directionless Directionless, thanks A little drunk? Of's the word? Without direction. Drunk? Directionless. Directionless, thanks. A little drunk?

Of a non-direction. Good thing we have someone who always knows when it's north. Shut up, guys. Finally, you've hit puberty. Halfling puberty. Are you in real life? Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you discover that the hair on your feet grows up along your body.

Oh, God. The evolution is halfling to hair man to Bigfoot. That's how it works. Oh, my God, yes. Holy shit. It's not. You look disappointed now. I am. I am disappointed, Adam.

I thought Shanks was going to become a Bigfoot. I was making a funny joke. I'm sorry it wasn't real, though. We'll find a spell. We'll make him a Bigfoot. I mean, I guess you could. Anyway. He does have big feet.

Oh, step one. And he's hard to take photos of. Oh. You are aimlessly standing in the city, not the city, the village, whatever you want to call it, when you see a bunch of townspeople, maybe like three or four of them. Between them, they're dragging along one of the yaunt tea, one of the purebloods, those like human-esque looking ones with snake-like features. She's struggling. She's quite obviously a captive and alive can we rectify that and make her unalive oh no that aren't wise that's

unwise i don't know you guys like do you want i'm just gonna be over here and just do my little thing i trail off and just kind of you know like of start picking up blades of grass. Seahall maybe approaches you. She was speaking with someone else, but then she turns around and starts purposely walking towards you. She calls out, we have one. One of them alive. Perhaps we could, I don't know, force it to talk. To tell us where they come from. And then we can hunt them down for a change. Get back our

lost. Maybe you guys only care about Paula and Miss Greenchapel, but several other people have been taken as well. Well, there's something very important that we need to do in getting back Paula, so I think that is exactly what we need to do. Let's go find them and talk to them. So you walk with Seahall towards

where the people are holding the yawn tea. We're going to torture a snake lady. Only if you want to. Oh, I want to, Adam. She's struggling and pulling in their grasp. Linus is standing there. He punches her in the belly and she doubles over. That's the sound she makes.

Is she a whale? Yeah. Soon. Soon, we'll make her a whale. She's in for a whale of a time, tell you that much. Give her a whaling. So anyway, you're standing there where the townspeople are holding the yawn tea. There's Seahall, Linus, and the cleric whose name always escapes me.

Garl. Garl. Oh, Garl, Thronestomper, Prayerbreaker? Yes. Oh, I have in my notes that they're magic. Linus and the cleric whose name always escapes me. Gal. Gal. Oh, Gal, Thronestomper, Prayerbreaker? Yes. Oh, I have in my notes that they're magic. What? Never mind. You're all standing around.

She hisses at each of you almost in turn. Get away from me, human scum and halfling scum and orc scum. I'm not a human. Well, there are humans here. She's just going to each of you almost in turn. Then Linus just maybe punches her in the face and she shuts up. Is she wearing any armor?

No, she's wearing a what looks like maybe ceremonial dress. Any necklaces? Any metal items? She has some baubles on her, yeah. She has a necklace made of stones with string. Does anyone around us have any metal necklaces? Any metal items? She has some baubles on her, yeah. She has a necklace made of stones with string. Does anyone around us have any metal necklaces? I want to use heat metal on her real slow. Yeah, yeah, that's what I was thinking.

Oh, the crown I have. Is that metal? My red eye crown. Yeah, it's metal. Can I put it on her head? Yeah, sure. Cool. Yes.

I take the crown off and I put it on her head. And then you say, I'll give you a crown that will make men weep or whatever that line from Game of Thrones is. Call Drogo, Drogo, Drogo. Because he speaks in that language. Yeah. Put the crown on her head. You better start talking.

And I slowly start heating the metal up. Can I do it slow? I'll allow it. Thank you. So you don't just outright kill her. Yeah, real slow. Okie dokie. That's ghoulish.

What's your alignment? I love it. Lawful neutral. Okay. I align to animals. Can you change that to true neutral, thanks? Okay. Damn it.

I adhere to the law of the land. What's your alignment? I'm lawful good, but I'm going through a crisis. I'm also lawful good. The land doesn't have a law. The land is true What's your alignment? I'm lawful good, but I'm going through a crisis. I'm also lawful good. The land doesn't have a law. The land is true neutral. I've been playing pretty lawful good. Yeah.

It's just pissy. Although we're torturing a bad thing. Yeah, we're helping. The ends justify the means. That's lawful good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Absolutely. That's lawful good. That is the classic night of your like king arthur at his round table said to the knights hey guys sometimes it's cool to torture people if you get what you need that's not awful good is it adam no no no no no it's not is it that's um if you wanted to stay good it may be chaotic good but i would say it's maybe a bit neutral as well or heading towards evil at least she doesn't she hisses both literally and figuratively the the her skin is melting and bubbling a little bit uh and then she also hisses in pain like a snake might. And says, I'll tell you nothing, scum. I run up and hit the crown off her head.

All right, you do so. I do that and I yell, I have lost my youth. I will not lose my principles. I am a lawful good. That is my alignment. I refuse to condone this torture. Come, there must be another way. Could somebody please take him

away? Hey, Goody, I saw a butterfly over here. Would you like to go and catch it with me? Did you just call me Goody? No, that's my name. I have had a lot to drink since this fart ended. You're just still drunk from Groogrog's best. Yeah, and I went and got more.

You went and got more? Absolutely. Of Groogrog's best. Yeah, and I went and got more. You went and got more? Absolutely. Of Grugrog's best? Sure. You kept it down this time, but you almost wish you hadn't. Is my intelligence below 10? Your intelligence is reduced further by 3. So you now have an effective intelligence of 7.

Good. You're plastered. To give you an understanding of how drunk you are, good you're plastered if you to give you an understanding of how drunk you are yes you're having trouble standing hmm

hmm might I recommend sitting I sit on my back I just lounge like a like I'm reclining just like what you doing

Malto as you can see i'm i'm in i'm in a state if you could get me a a water or a beverage that could alleviate this state and then bring it back here for me for for that would be most appreciated type of coffee i can see what you're trying to do man i don't appreciate it okay you're not my dad uh and then i say hey adam as michael yeah is there any way that i can use like my bardic kind of songliness and word wielding in order to maybe interrogate her with greater ease so options you have you could uh You don't want to torture, obviously. No.

Some of the options are grayed out. It's going to change my... I can inflict pain. It's just the torture that I'm not wild about. Well, Vicious Mockery would slowly wear at her. You might be able to get her like that. Vicious Mockery is... Imagine, you know, you've seen in like...

When they're torturing someone in the movies, they tie them to the chair and blaze loud music at them. Dissonant whispers or vicious mockery would be basically the D&D equivalent of that. Right. Okay. Alternatively, with disguise self, you might be able to make yourself, I'll look it up, you might be able to make yourself look like a yaunty. might be able to make yourself, I'll look it up, you might be able to make yourself look like a yaunty. So you could potentially get in, like,

pretend that you are also a yaunty to her in, like, a prison situation. Oh, interesting. Let me quickly check, though, because disguise self and alter self. I think it would take too long. It would take a while, yeah. Like, I'd have to be a prisoner and then help her escape, but not really, and then follow her and blah, blah, blah. And, like, send messages back to you. Sounds like a good plan.

We'll come with. Yeah. In the distance. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, rather just. Torturer? I've reneged the fact that I'm not into torture

because, apparently, I'm committed to the people I know, not ideals. And because I know you, I'm down with torture. Sick. In this with torture. Sick. In this particular instance. Yes. As a halfling, it would be actually very difficult, but not impossible. I'd be a cute little snake person. You can only make yourself seem a foot taller than you actually are,

and you're only three feet tall. So you could potentially try to disguise yourself as a very short yaunty. Could you disguise yourself as a very young yaunty? Sorry? A very young yaunty? Potentially. A young tea. That's not really how yaunty work.

They don't grow up. They're made. But like a child version. And then you're like, I need help because I'm so young. Well, the changes wrought by this spell fail to hold up to physical inspection. So if she touches or tries to touch you, the illusion disappears. I'm very hands-on as well. You are. Is she a pretty face? Because I'm a sucker for a pretty face.

She's pretty. Okay. That's why I don't want to torture her. Yeah. Alright, it's not because it's evil. Yeah, so there's your options. You could use Vicious Mockery or Dissonant Whispers like that. You could use Disguise Self. Other than that, I don't think there's much. Oh, actually, because you have more than just spells. Let me have a look. You have some Bard abilities.

Bardic Inspiration, Jack of All Trades, Song of Rest, Expertise. Double bonus for performance and acrobatics. Guys, I should be acrobatic-ing. Yeah, do flips and shit. I'm acrobatic. I'm really drunk, but that hasn't affected my physical capabilities, just my ability to think. Like my dexterity is still 18.

That's amazing. I can still do a backflip. I have the ability by popular demand, which means I can usually exchange a performance for rude and bard. Could I be like, say, a room and bard at the place where you're from for a jaunty tune? Unfortunately not. And she'd be like, yes, come with me.

I was going to ask, actually, do you know what bardic college you're a part of, by any chance? Because you should have extra powers. So, do you want to hear something just hilarious that's definitely funny and not embarrassing on my part? Here we go. What has he done? I didn't give you a Bardic College. You should have had two extra powers this entire time.

Including the ability to not suddenly age. No, that was definitely not one of them. Oh, fuck. So, would you like to pick a Bardic College? Sure. All right. So, there's the College of Law. Bards of the College of Law know something about most things,

collecting bits of knowledge from sources as diverse as scholarly tomes and peasant tales. College of Lore gives you bonus proficiencies, so you gain three new skills. And you get the ability Cutting Words, so you can use your wit to distract, confuse, and otherwise sap the confidence and competence of others. That could be helpful for this. Yeah, so you know how you use your bardic inspiration to help your friends? You can use your bardic inspiration to hurt your enemies as well. Okay, yeah. I mean, shall we go with that?

Yeah, sure. Or the other two even better. There's a bunch of other ones. Some of them are just combat ones. There's College of Glamour. And there's College of Whispers, which gives you a psychic blade. And Words of Terror, which if you can... Oh, wait.

Maybe there is one that helps you here. College of Whispers. Psychic blade. Psychic blade. Psychic blade sounds pretty cool. Psychic blade. If you speak to a humanoid alone for at least one minute, you can attempt to seed paranoia in its mind. At the end of the conversation, the target must succeed on a wisdom

saving throw against you, blah blah blah, or be frightened of you or another creature of your choice. The creature is frightened in this way for one hour, or until it is attacked or damaged, or witnesses its allies being attacked or damaged. Is that the one with the psychic blade?

Yeah, that's also the one with the psychic blade. Left dead! A magical energy starts to concentrate deep within... Whoa, guys, I just remembered I went to school.

Oh, man. I got so late. It was crazy. This college, it was wild, man. The hazing alone was like we actually generated a magical haze

which took over the school. It was pretty. He lifts up into the air slightly and have you ever seen Sailor Moon? Yes. He does like a Sailor Moon transformation and returns to the ground as a member of the College of

Whispers. Wow. You have untapped potential that you have only just now realized. Just watch and see, boyo. So you get words of terror, which if you speak to someone for a minute, you can make them deeply afraid of you or someone that you choose by just talking to them. You also get psychic blades.

When you hit a creature with a weapon attack, looking to them. You also get psychic blades. When you hit a creature with a weapon attack, you can, so you use your bardic inspiration to make your weapon deal 2d6 extra points of psychic damage, which is basically you imbue your psychic energy

into your weapon. Like how big you've written psychic blade. Otherwise I'm going to forget it. Plus 2d6? Or plus 1d6? 2d6. So it's a lot of extra damage. That's real good.

Yeah. Do you know how many times you get bardic inspiration a day? I get it four times a day. Cool. There you go. You can use that four times. I can use it four times. Psychic blade.

Fuck yeah. Anyway, remembering your... Not remembering, sorry. With your newfound power, you know what you need to do and i do words of terror all right on this lass maybe you move somewhere alone because you need to be alone with her so you move somewhere alone she's tied up to a chair in one of the houses yeah i got this i got this in a crabber you go into green's house. You sit there on the plastic-wrapped sofa next to the coffee table with doilies all over it. Next to the painting of kittens running across a field.

And I can make her scared of me or others, right? Or someone else, yeah. Right. So I might try a kind of like, you saw what they did to you out there, right? You think you're the first yuan-ti to come past us? Look, I'm on your side. I'm cool with this, yeah, but their helmet, she can heat it up. I knocked it off once, but I ain't doing it again because, look,

I don't want to stand up to that. Like, she's pretty, pretty crazy. So, look, I'm your one friend here. If you don't cooperate with them, you're going to lose that one friend. That's all I'm going to say. Are we good cop, bad copping her? Oh, my God. Absolutely are. Fuck yes.

Ooh, this one might be close. Does anyone... Oh, I got cards. I have a skill or attack roll. Succeed on a yawn-ty threat roll. Is it saving throw? No, it's a... Skill?

Oh, no, it is a saving throw. Yeah, yeah, it is. Oh, no, it's... You need to hurt someone on a saving throw. Do you have a bad boy card, Shanks? I have a bad boy card, yeah. What is it? It's minus 1d6 after making a skill or attack roll.

I'll count it. Okay, cool. It's fine. Actually, no, wait. We established earlier that you can use those cards to make me re-roll dice. Oh, yeah. So you can spend that. I'll just re-roll the dice.

And where am I throwing this to? Check it to me. It's a bad boy card. They go in my deck. She fails. You can see red rings appear in in her eyes or a red ring appears around her xbox uh she she uh you can tell that she is now magically frightened she she's beginning to panic okay and i grab her chair and i drag her back out to where it wasn't

as that happens i'm whispering just remember what we said remember what we said i will tell you where the temples is i'm listening she um maybe with seahall's help seahall has a like a vague map or something like that she lays out where the temple is it's deep in the in theles nearby, but you could get there in a day, in a day's travel. The problem is, unfortunately, it's now late enough in the day. Once you've reconvened after the Yuan Tia has explained where the temple is, you reconvene and Seahall says that it's too late to travel there now. If we go at night, the dangers of the jungles will consume us before we can reach the temple. We'll have to wait until tomorrow, which unfortunately means that they're going to get a night with their prisoners.

Ask them what they do. What do they do to the prisoners? They become servants of Dendar or are sacrificed in her name. How long have we got until that happens? I's not sure. But it could happen tonight. Possibly's, but unlikely's. There's a lot of pomp and prestige around it. There is many things that needs to be done.

None of you know, I don't think, who Dendar is. We've heard it before. Yeah. Have you? From whom did we hear the name Dendar? From the snake people Oh yes Just now

You spoke to a snake didn't you? Somebody spoke to a snake and they were like Sacrifice for Dender Oh yes Oh yes no that's right One of the big snakes said sacrifice for Dender Yeah yeah that's right But they didn't clarify it

So I could have heard it roughly the same Who's Dender? Good question Denders is our gods. Who's Dendar? Good question. Dendar's is our gods. Can we punch Dendar? Can we kill Dendar? The night servants came into beings before your histories, spawned from dreams of the first intelligent creatures.

Ironic that it comes from history. Hey, that's a good gag. You need to serve her up. She will bring about the end of all of your worlds. She will return to this plains and eat the sun. That seems highly unlikely. You sound insane. You would believe me if you'd seen the door.

The door? The doors. There seen the door. The door. The doors. How many? There's one door. It's just a speech impediment. The doors. It is iron and big and terrifying. Now, where does this door go?

It goes to Dendaz. Where is this door? In the temple. Where's this door? In the temple. Where's the temple? She explained that already. We got that. It's cool. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I thought I was drunk. You know what? I'm old enough now. Give me some of that booze. There's none left. Quest dad, come on. Come on, quest dad. Come on.

Okay. This will hurt you a lot though Maybe then I'll feel something I'm real emo as a teenager I give him some of the grog You drink it? Oh wait, what grog is this? It's the best Okay, I have like a

I have a big sniff Alright, it have like a I have a big sniff Alright, it smells like Pure gasoline It tastes like pure gasoline Perhaps it is pure gasoline Grugrog's best Brewed by fine orcish craftsmen Alright, I throw back a shot

And try and look real fucking hard You keep it down But you wish you hadn't. Smooth, man. It ain't smooth. It tastes like you're done on the inside a thousand times. I'm used to that.

Your intelligence is now effectively... What is it right now? 12, yeah? 15. Thank you very much. Smart boy.

Eight. Eight. Wow, it had a bigger effect on you than it does on me. Well, we're about to go to sleep, right? Is that a permanent thing? Hopefully. You guys sounded like you might be going there now. Luna, do you want some grub?

Yeah, would you prefer the hangover or would you prefer the fight them drunk? For totally irrelevant reasons, I'm going to sit down. You have disadvantage on attack rolls and ability checks Both of you do Not me I'm a drunken boy It's very strong Alright we'll say you're fine

But Molto Bene You have disadvantage on attack rolls and ability checks You do better When you're a little sozzled. But when you're this strong. I'm amazing. Not where I was going with that. It stacks, right?

Drinking stacks? It just doesn't. But all right. Do you want some? No. Seahall takes the bottle. Am I going to get that back later? She opens it up,

tries to take a swig, but the drink has not touched her lips before she's gagging. She's drunk anyway, though. So do we have a cigarette? Grugog's best, brewed by fine, orcish craftsmen. Will it help or hinder our heroes? Find out

next time on Into the Jungle Island of Dendar. A D&D is for nerds adventure. If you want to help support this show and all our other shows on the Sandspans Radio Network, just head to sandspansplus.com, and for as little as $5 a month, you get access to episodes early, all completely ad-free, as well as a heap of bonus content. That's sandspansplus.com.

Hey there, fellow adventurer. If you're picking up what we're putting down and want more D&D content, we have just what you need to scratch that itch. D&D is for Nerds Plus, the symbol, not the word, where you can listen to select campaigns that were once only available to Sants Pants Plus members, the further adventures of the Greyhill Free Company if you want shorter campaigns with beautiful guests,

and D&D is for Nerds, not Ognot, where all our non-canon D&D adventures go to rest. Just search for D&D is for Nerds, not Ognot, where all our non-canon D&D adventures go to rest. Just search for D&D is for Nerds on your favourite podcast app of choice and join us on this epic quest of D&D podcast discovery.