D&D is For Nerds - Into the Island Jungle of Dendar #12 Death Star Snake

Episode Date: January 26, 2019

Where we use plans stolen from the Empire to shoot a target no bigger than a Wamp Rat.Sign up to our newsletter here; http://eepurl.com/cM3in9Join our facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/Watch us stream here; https://www.twitch.tv/sanspantsradioYou can now physically send us stuff to PO BOX 7127, Reservoir East, Victoria, 3073Give the gift of Sanspants! https://sanspantsplus.com/give-the-gift-of-sanspants/Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: https://sanspantsplus.comPodkeep: https://sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: https://audiobooksontape.comMerch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter:  https://twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: http://www.sanspantsradio.comFacebook: https://facebook.com/SanspantsRadioReddit: https://reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Adam: https://twitter.com/RetroArchetypeCass: https://twitter.com/CassCassPaigeTom: https://twitter.com/AwkwardTreedShanks: https://twitter.com/timtimfed Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio, I don't know where my legs are. So the most stressful time of year has arrived, the Melbourne International Comedy Festival, where you're literally shitting your guts out in panic as you try desperately to figure out what comedy show to see. Well, become your beating heart, because I have the answer. Big Deal, a nightmare game show hosted by me and starring a whole bunch of Sandspans people and comedians. It's sort of like the game show equivalent of Acid Reflux. Grab your tickets from the Melbourne International Comedy Festival website or our own website, sandspansradio.com forward slash live. Welcome to episode 12.

Baby! Of Into the Jungle Island of Dandar, where TNT is for nerds. Adventure, boing previously you're no longer useful to us it laughs she's not though she's not really honestly we're gonna go get the map and take her and my morals are now nebulous because of friendship you can see linus approaching you with the horse that you guys came here with the horse is saddled up and there's maybe even some barding on it so So the horse is a little bit armored. I don't like this.

I don't like this. I don't like this. I start crying. Linus tries to calm the horse. He's like a sad onion and the more I peel away, the sadder it gets. So I'm just going to put all the layers back on.

I don't care. I am sworn to protect animals that cannot protect themselves. The dryad doesn't want to help me in that, and the dryad's wrong. I guess we just... As you're having the conversation... It launches out of the brush at you guys. Holy shit.

Oh, heck. The shambling mound moves 40 feet away from you guys, and Lunabon moves with it. It's got its food. It's leaving. What did we say your intelligence was? Well no it's great you you speak very falteringly if you're trying to get out anything more than a single word you can barely stand you are literally being supported by one of your friends goody you've had maybe too much to drink this time. Quest dead?

He's fucked. He's absolutely fucked. I wave my hand in front of his eyes. He's barely conscious. I do not recall. The Shambling Mound is smarter than you. Fuck it up. How bad did I roll?

You rolled fine. I rolled really high for how much damage it did to you i can still fight that right so the way it works is if you fail you roll a constitution saving throw that's whether or not you're able to keep it down if you fail the constitution saving throw you throw it back up i roll a d6 and that's how much your intelligence goes down by. If you pass the constitution saving throw, you keep it down, and I roll 2d6, and that's how much your intelligence goes down by. Fuck yeah. Mum, I reckon we throw that away.

I'll handle that, because he does need his alcohol to be somewhat functional. Also, we could like use it to like light shit on fire because it's like i it's quite gasoliney i've heard oh that's great grew gog i just take it from you it's gasoline made by fine orcish craftsmen okay um can i still fight i guess so my intelligence i don't think it's been effective sorry i must have misheard that Because I heard you say can I still fire?

Can I still fire? And give it to people from the gods Yeah Sorry can you still fight is what you said right? If you're standing next to an ally They can hold you up and you can fight Oh Jesus I start pushing Goody up the ziggurat.

Otherwise, you are crawling. I guess you could fight from a crawling position, but you're fighting at disadvantage. I have a drunken technique, man. Not this drunk. There's a limit. There's a limit. Can I still use my ki points? Yeah, you can still use everything.

I can just crawl really fucking fast. All right. Let's do your drunken master technique. Yes.'t stand your drunken technique though you get nah that's bullshit you get an extra five key points whatever i'm playing loose with the rules while you were drunk you get an extra five key points sober up you lose them bang but like i said you cannot stand no i know i'm pushing you up the mountain i've taken you groog grog i'm helping i'm hoping that getting him up the ziggurat sorry not mountain oh i i might have said mountain i was just making fun before oh that's fun um hopefully so how much does pushing about the rest of the ziggurat

Help in sobering him up Not at all This is maybe him for the day He had a lot He had a big gulp I love how non-functional we are How the fuck have we done any quests It's amazing

So hold on We're at the bottom of the ziggurat, which is this pyramid-y pyramid-y. You haven't reached the ziggurat yet. Right, okay. Yeah. And how many snake boys and gals? You can see about seven on the ziggurat. That's not...

Oh, it's quite a few. Seven's a bit, but manageable. I was kind of expecting it to be, like, swarming with them. No, you actually don't see that many. You don't actually see that many. Okay. And as I was saying, as you get towards the ziggurat, the tree's thin, but they never stop. There's no village here.

It's just the ziggurat. Right. There's no community of yawn-tee. Although, as you do approach, it's impossible to not notice, really. You can hear, you can see trees parting, being knocked aside. And from deep in the jungle, some loud voice booms. It is time to eat them. The voice echoes a little bit.

Seahorse freezes. He who will encircle the world you remember the giant snake they said the yawn tea had i i will encircle the world i'll fight him where's where is he quiet dad dad it's gonna be okay and i i stroke his hair what are you to do in that fall? It's okay. Shh, shh, shh. Sleepy time. Luna, Luna Bone, Malto, I may have made a minor error in the consumption of alcohol on this particular, this one. Yes. A snake roughly 100 feet long slithers out of the jungle. It slowly raises itself.

Its head is as wide as a, is about the size of a family car, to be honest, its head. I'm bigger. It's scale, scaly skin. You can see hides beneath it, thick rope-like muscles that stretch around its body all the way from its head down into the jungle you can't see its tail its tongue flips out once tasting the air slipping back in very quickly and then it slowly turns its head to regard you all with one giant eye. Its mouth begins to move and it speaks again. Has foods come to me this time?

We're gonna go to initiative. No, I don't think food has. Why are you so drunk? We are gonna die so quick. No, get him to eat you and he'll get drunk. Oh my god, we should fill it with Grugrog. We should fill it with Grugrog. Yeah, and then light it on fire.

Fill it with Groogrog, make it drunk. That's funny. You know, I thought it would just, like, pick me up a bit. I didn't know I'd get fucked. Well, you know what? This is saying something about addiction. Yeah, it is. But what?

How it's unpredictable. Oh. Ooh. Ooh. Infectionable. Oh. Ooh. Oh.

So. Adam. No. Do I have five key points total now or do I have- Five extra. I have eight total. Yeah. Fuck yes. What's a key point again?

Means I can do extra attacks. It's what fuels his magic sort of. Okay, cool. Well, his monk magic. I have an attack that basically means I can attack thrice in one hit and get back out of the way. Nice. If that works.

If that works. Which it will not. Spoiler alert. No. Goody, you're first? I'm first. It's a big snake. Yes, it is.

What is the plan for the snake? Are we going to get it drunk? Let's get it drunk. I think we shall. Can you? No, I don't trust you with it. Do you want to hold your attack? Yes, I will hold until.

Lunabon? Yeah. The snake attacks. It slowly, not slowly, it quickly. It snake attacks. It slowly... Not slowly. It quickly. It's big. It's fast. It strikes at...

Motobende. Oh, very bad. Oh, it rolled very poorly, actually. Very good. It might not get you. Yeah. I'm like, come at me, bitch. I don't know.

What does a teenager say? Bitch, but like that. Come at me, bitch. Saying it such that their parents can't hear the word bitch. Yeah. Yeah. Come at me. He's losing confidence as he's trying to be mean.

The snake lunges at you and you duck and roll backwards. It kicks up a lot of dirt, sending rocks and stones and a tree bowling over away from it. But when it comes back up, it's completely missed molto bene. Which is good because it looked like it just would have straight up crushed you. Lunabon and Goody, it's your turn. I want to try and smash the bottle of alcohol into its mouth. You can try that.

Do you trust me? You want to probably throw it because it's like rearing up. Oh, okay. Well then I'll... Oh, that's so risky. We could try and wait for it to make a lunge, but then again that would be on its turn. Yeah. Or you just hope that it eats whoever's holding it.

There's an idea. Eating people. Oh, Adam! No, I already had one. I mean, there's only so much you can do with a snake, right? Yeah, well, yeah. Let it eat you. Fight it from the inside, a la Men in Black.

Can I sort of make a charge for it and say, help me. Make a charge for it and try and jump into its mouth? You can certainly try. How successful you are is another matter. Okay, I'll have a go at that and just be holding the bottle ready to decork it. Would it help if I distracted the snake? Probably not. You kind of want it focusing on Ludabon at this point.

Can I throw her? Would that help her? No, I think she's too big to throw. You're a... She's bigger than you. Wait, so are we allowed to communicate and talk about strategy? Yeah, it's fine. The snake's listening, but yeah.

Oh, Mage Hand. I have Mage Hand. Do you also have Mage Hand? No, but I know about Mage Hand. Can we Mage Hand it into the thing? You could try, yeah. It would be easier than throwing it, certainly. Let's try and Mage Hand it Do you also have Mage Hand? No, but I know about Mage Hand. Can we Mage Hand it into the thing? You could try, yeah. It'd be easier than throwing it, certainly. Let's try and Mage Hand it. Okay, cool.

Let's do that. How do we make the Mage Hand look appealing to a snake? Can I make it look like a dying mouse? What can I do with it? Look, it's just very funny. What about if you Mage Hand it, I try to stab it so it opens its mouth in pain you might be overthinking this you might just want to like chuck it in or like with the mage

hand drop it in all right let's do that okay yeah well that'll be on my turn yeah that'll be on his turn so if you want pass the bottle to him and then you have your action whatever you want to do i caught it. You're standing next to each other, so it's more of a passing thing. I would have rolled otherwise. Unless you guys want to roll. I'll try and use entangle. Because I'm happy to let you drop it.

Oh, okay, well. Can I try and use entangle on the snake? Yeah, you can. I would like to do that then. It's my turn too, isn't it? Oh, yeah, it's your turn now. Yes, you will also get an action. No, after you. I'm trying to do that then. Oh, and it's my turn too, isn't it? Oh, yeah, it's your turn now. Yes, you will also get an action. No, after you.

The snake begins to get wrapped up in the vines. How big a patch of ground is it? 20 feet. So a 20 square foot patch of jungle sprouts to life and the vines wrap and constrict around the snake silly creatures it lifts itself up dragging what looks like one giant plant out of the ground its many roots are grappling and stringing about trying to get purchased back in the dirt but it can't it just lifted itself out of the ground. It tore that plant that you made out of the dirt.

You maybe didn't know that you made one big plant with Entangle before. I did not. Now you know. Oh, it's destroying nature. It has to die. You didn't care about that. Whatever. Shambling Mound is cool, isn't cool, but this is.

Any eyes stick up for creatures who can't stick up for themselves the trampling mount whatever let's not get into it you're probably right you know what you're probably right uh my turn uh yes yeah so i'll say maybe lunabon also moves closer so that she can support you and then just push you a little bit and you can lean against the snake while you're pummeling it it That's exactly what I'm doing. And I'm gonna use one of my eight points of ki and use flurry of blows. Alright, that gives you three attacks

if I'm correct. And then I can disengage. Do you use a short sword? I have a short sword, yes. Alright. You can try to disengage. Well, it's an option. Yeah. I'll let you disengage, but you fall down and you start crawling away oh yeah that's fine

first attack is not good I'm so sorry you critically miss I'm drunk so that's fair you just swing and you're leaning against the snake but you miss it oh boy

I do have a tail delayed recovery you don't add your damage bonus You miss it. Oh, boy. I do have a tale. Delayed recovery. Oh, dear. You don't add your damage bonus to your attacks for four rounds. Well, you'll be dead before then. So that means none of the specials, the key points do anything. No, no, no. You get the extra attacks.

Oh, cool. You get plus four damage to all of your attacks. cool you get plus where are you you get plus four damage to all of your attacks usually you do i don't now now you don't you get plus zero for the next four rounds uh so your first attack you swing as you swing you pull a muscle you pull a muscle from your fist through your forearm into your shoulder down your back into your glutes down your thigh into your this is from right to left into your lower leg into your foot and when that happens it feels like one string all through that place snapped and when it snapped the two reverberations one of them slapped you in the back it's almost like a physical string

that you felt breaking one of it hit you in the back of the neck and now your neck is stiff and if you move it left or right it feels like agony and they now drink and the other one wrapped around your stomach and yanked at it you feel like someone grabbed your stomach and pulled oh boy you are moving slowly and gingerly your second attack is a hit hey your first attack is with the sword and it fells the beast imagine you do one point of damage it only had a hit point. No. Your second attack and third attack, though, are with just fists. So the second attack that hits deals two points of damage. Your third attack... Oh, wait.

Let's roll the hit first. Hits and does one point of damage. You do three points of damage and then you disengage. And you're crawling away. Ow. I don't mean to be rude, but the snake doesn't act like it was hurt. No, that is fine. Like it brushes off its shoulder, but realizes it doesn't have a hand to brush or a shoulder to brush off.

Yeah. If I have a nap during the fart, is that a bad idea? You'll die. Okay, I'm awake. Then it is Linus' turn. Linus charges down with his horse. It's not his horse, he took it. Okay, the horse catches sight of you,

Lunabon, and bucks him. This is a travesty. Linus hits the dirt, rolls in the dirt, gets up, and finishes his charge on foot Champion A hero to us all He misses twice

Linus is so big But you're so brave How do you miss something the size of a family car He hits it Oh he hits it twice But he doesn't cut through it's thick hide He can't make a hits it oh he hits it twice but he doesn't cut through its thick hide he can't make a it's like it's like dragon so you're saying my punch did more damage than linus's sword well linus is using a slashing attack so when he hits he's running the sword along scale doesn't do as

much damage as when you punch with your fists it's like a bludgeoning attack it's that's actually how you're meant to deal with a knight in armor. A sword actually doesn't do a lot of... Like, you're not going to do a lot of slashing damage. It's more an iron bar hitting you. That's what did damage to knights back in the day. Sometimes if you found a gap or whatever, you could use that. But a mace is a lot more useful against a man in armor than a sword is. Fun fact.

My facts are not fun. That was really fun. Molto molto benny it's your turn oh there's a jesus big snake oh guys i don't know what we're gonna do okay um i've got i want to cast a mage hand yeah oh yes that's okay so but like can i like find some cover or something first so i'm, like, in a better position? You can duck behind a tree if you want. Whoa. Quack, quack. Call me the duck because I'm behind this tree.

And then I cast Mage Hand. And I beckon the hand over, put the bottle of guzzoline in it, and instruct the Mage Hand to head for the snake's mouth the mage hand zips towards the snake's mouth i'll say that you get uh i'm gonna make it a dexterity check on your part you basically control the mage hand with your hand so you the idea is that when i get into the like if i get into the mouth yeah chuck it in or if i can get the hand into the mouth and kind of like crush the bottle. Oh, you want the liquid to come out? Yeah.

All right, cool. Well, you make, it'll be a dexterity saving throw, but you make that check. Does anyone have anything to help with a dexterity saving throw? Yes. Advantage on the saving throw. All right. Hey!

Yes! Yay! You get it in. Yay! The mage hand zips the bottle in Crushes it You're about to do something annoying aren't you Well not really Everyone

Immediately as soon as the bottle is crushed You've uncorked it But you've never like just Broken the bottle The bottle everyone as soon as it happens Everyone can smell gasoline It's pungent in the air grugrog's best is designed by orcish artisans to never be to never be completely open you only

open part of it ever and you never have more than one mouthful ever grugrog's best as delicious and smooth and silky and as much as it is just gasoline is not made to be consumed like this and even a snake this big immediately you see it starts swaying and then you hear it say what is this it's a guru girl best is the. The snake's intelligence is effectively reduced by 14 points. Boom. It hits the ground. It's comatose. It's not dead. It's just unconscious from being drunk.

Let's take turns stabbing it. And I run towards it. Oh, hang on. It's not my turn. Are we And I run towards it. Oh, hang on. Are we still in initiative? No, not really. Can I shoot one of my flames into its mouth so it blows up? Who's standing next to it?

Oh, if we're not in initiative, come back, come back, come back. I'm coming, I'm coming. Linus, you are a very strong man. Has anybody ever told you that? I do my best to help those I can, even when they're bad at helping others.

What the fuck does that mean? Are we all clear? Yeah. Okay. I produce flame and shoot it at that big snake. It's like the destruction of the Death Star. It's like a chain reaction ripples down the snake. You only need to light the ambient fumes coming out of the creature's mouth to cause this.

The entire creature goes up in a ball of flames and you are all covered in gore that when you come to you realize that they're like the ground has been trembling there is a hole not a hole there is a crack in the earth you caused an earthquake. Wow. Whoa. Who rogs best? Does the explosion make me sober? It sobers you up a little bit. I'll say you've recovered two more points of intelligence. You can stand haltingly. You are now as intelligent as the shambling mount.

You can stand, but you move at half speed. That's fine. Do I still have my extra key points for being drunk? You lose one. Okay, that's all right. That's fine. We need to get up the ziggurat. Zigga, zigga, zigga.

The people on the... Like, this did not go unnoticed. I don't know if I made that a... The earthquake we caused was not stealthy. The yaunty on the ziggurat are all looking down at you. Oh, by the way, the tree cover you had? Gone. You are in the middle of a field.

Hello, snake people. It is lovely to see you. One of the yaunty in the deep purple robes points a finger at you, and the other yaunty, the ones in white robes, begin to descend down towards you. There's maybe six of them. Oh yeah, that's going to work. We just blew up your biggest snake

and you're going to hit us with your fists. It's unlikely that they can hear you from where you are. I still do it for me. I said that we just took down. Is my mage hand still active? No, it's not, but you get it for free. Oh, okay.

So you can cast it whenever. Okay, I cast it and flip them off. Yeah, fair. Can I use my Thermaturgy to make the cloud spell fuck you? I feel like a bit beyond what Thermaturgy can do. That's okay. Unfortunately. I don't think you really need to... like, they know that you don't like them.

They don't like you either. You're not friends. Could I use my Druidcraft to create an instantaneous harmless sensory effect to make the cloud spell out, like, good luck or something? All right, I'd allow that. What spell is it, sorry? Druidcraft uh excuse me cass before you go on here's a word from our sponsors also if you head to our website sanspantsradio.com forward slash live right now you can grab tickets for our melbourne international comedy festival nightmare quiz show big deal guaranteed to upset also if

you head to sanspantsradio.com forward slash merch you can grab some limited edition enamel pins so you can show the world how much you love these idiots talking to you right now as you were fuck you or good luck i like good luck i like good luck because it's kind of confusing they're like with what no it's ominous like oh no they just blew up our snake as she's doing that i then want to do the snake i just want to do the thermoturkey to do like a massive bolt of lightning behind good luck oh yes all right good luck and then the lightning bolt splits the sky behind it i'm going to use the same initiative as last time

so goody you go first. The Yawn-T are making their way towards you. They're still pretty far away, though. I got some darts. Can I hit anyone with my darts? No, they're way too far for that. They're maybe 100 feet from you right now. I'd like to wait until they're close, until it's their turn.

Alright. They move towards you. They're actually probably further than 100 feet. They're maybe 200 feet. They move 60 feet, all of them, so they're like now roughly 120 feet away. Lunabon? I'd like to cast Moonbeam

on... What's the range on that? 120. 120? Alright, you can cast it on the earliest ones, yeah. Can I hit two of them? Yeah, I'd allow it. Cool. I cast Moonbeam on that section where they're running through yep you hit just the lead two charging towards you yeah uh linus's turn linus without his mount just sets himself in the ground lowers his halberd and readies against their charge molto bene i mean are we just kind of waiting our ground whilst

they charge us kind of yeah okay cool well i'll just kind of waiting our ground whilst they charge us? Kind of, yeah. Okay, cool. Well, I'll just kind of stay where we are, and I'll use silent image and just cast, like, what's real scary? Like, they'll know it's an illusion. I just want to spook them. I don't know. What do snakes find scary? A snake being rolled inside out.

A mongoose. I was going to say a mongoose, but then I was like, wait, do snakes eat mongoose? No, it's the other way around, right? Yeah, it just casts a big mongoose. A big flute. What's the spell, sir? It's silent image. Okay, does it say how big the image can be? The image can be

no larger than a 15-foot cube. So why cast a 15-foot tall mongoose with machine guns? No, no, no, it's covered in blood i'll roll but they might not know what a mongoose is all right oh well you know we'll see it'll still freak them out oh they look they you can tell there's a moment of hesitation they quite obviously believe the mongoose is real but they don't seem to know what it is right okay they look it looks like you've just got a big

bloodied friend. Well, I mean, hey, that sounds like fun. Especially during my teenage period. Alright. I didn't mean anything untoward at him. I just meant in a kind of like emo-y, goth-y way. No, I was just trying to work out what you could have meant. Right, okay. Seahole. It's her turn. She...

Maybe she also chucks down a moonbeam. Yeah. She does it in roughly chucks down a moonbeam. Yeah. She does it in roughly the same place. Copycat. Beam it up. Goody, it's your turn again. They're just going to wait until they get there. I can't hit him with a dart now?

No, they haven't moved up again yet. They're still 120 feet away. Oh, there's two moonbeams too. Double moonbeam all the way across the sky. One of them takes 15 points of damage. Oh, there's two moonbeams too. Double moonbeam all the way across the sky. One of them takes 15 points of damage. The other one takes... Gosh.

30 points of damage. Oh, my God. Both of them are still standing, though. No, actually, the one that took 30 is down. So, there were six 6 Now there's 5 They reach about 80 feet away from you guys And as they did that You see that they're all drawing short bows

They knock arrows and let loose On you guys So 5 arrows One for each of you An arrow lands at your feet. You missed, dingus. Lunabon, an arrow whizzes past you perilously close. Molto bene, an arrow misses you as well.

I spit. Linus, an arrow bounces off his armor. And Seahaw, an Arrow lands at her feet. They fire and miss. Well done, you snakey dickheads. Lunabon, it's your turn. Can I cast spells when I'm in my wild shape? No, you cannot.

You lose your spellcasting. Well, so when you turn into an animal, so some spells require you to speak. Some spells require you to do arcane hand gestures. Some spells require both. All of mine require voice, so I can't do it. Yeah. For the moonbeam, though, because I'm just keeping it concentrated,

if I do my wild shape... Yeah, you can maintain that, then. I'd allow it. And is the 1T, like, bigger or smaller than a draft horse? You can move it over them. You can use an action to move it. Oh, that means you won't be able to turn, though, yeah. Cool, I move my moonbeam over to where it's going to hurt

the most people. Alright. And I keep hurting them. Okay. You can move or use a bonus action if you have anything you want to do like that. I'll move back till I'm 120 feet away from them. Alright. You move back 30 feet. That would put you 110 feet away from them. All right. You move back 30 feet. That would put you 110 feet away from them.

Okay. Okay. Okay. And then it is Linus's turn. Linus maybe stands so that he's in front of all of you guys, but other than that, he doesn't charge them yet. Molto bene. What range are they in?

At 80 feet from you guys right now. 80 feet. Well, 80 feet from you. Okay. Well, in that case, I'll just do some bardic inspiration to my allies. Right. Because I don't have any ranged attacks. What's vicious mockeries or dissonant whispers?

That is 60 feet. Ah. So 20 feet. If you want, you can move closer to them and then... Oh, well, you don't have enough movement for this turn anyway. That was... Bardic inspiration. So I'm like, guys, you don't have enough movement for this turn anyway. That was... Bardic Inspiration. So I'm like, guys, you're just great.

I mean, dudes, you guys are like sick. I love hanging out with you. Do I sing a song or do I like... It's a words or music, however you want, but verbally somehow. Words is just cool. Yeah. Quest mom, quest dad. Linny, brave, brave.

C, quest 2044, whatever your name is um ryan c quest yeah that's that'll do um and uh you know what even old snake lady who's bound up over there we cut to this lady who's just like yeah you're all great i'm inspiring you so you give inspiration to one friend. Pick the one you want the most of all. Well guys, this is embarrassing. Probably gonna go to Lunabon because she's not gonna waste it by being

too wasted. Dad, there I said it! I have sobered up a smidge, but that is a fair call. I would also have given it to Lunabon. Smidge is such a drunk person word. You are such a drunk up a smidge, but that is a fair call. I would also have given it to Lunabon. Smidge is such a drunk person word. You are such a drunk person, smidge. All right. So, Lunabon, you get a plus 1d6 that you can use on any roll.

I'll let you know if it's ever applicable. Hopefully I will. Seahall also moves her moonbeam up to cover little gaps or whatever or attack other people, but she doesn't move back. Goody, it's your turn. They're still not close. I just sit down. Alright. Nah, nah, don't sit down.

If you sit down they get disadvantaged to hit you. Really? And I can hit them from the ground, yeah? Yeah. I'm good at lying down. Sure. I'm gonna wait for you to get to me and then I sit down. Okay. And then it's their turn.

They, well. They get so frightened by the mongoose they die. They implode with fear. They just like collapse into themselves. One of them takes seven points of damage from your attack, Lunabon.

Good. And another one will only take four points of damage from a different attack. And they open up with their bows again. There's one less of them,

but Lunabon is now further behind, so they don't attack Lunabon. So is it four of them? Yeah. Goody. Adam, I have the ability to deflect missiles. Can I only do that on my turn?

No, you do it on another person's turn. You have to do it on someone else's turn. If this arrow is going to hit me, I want to deflect missiles. It doesn't hit you. Oh, good. An arrow lands near you. Because of disadvantage, they missed. Good thing I sat down.

Good. Can I... Is the arrow poisoned, Adam? You can't tell. You could try to pick it up and inspect it. That'd be on your turn. I wanted to pick my teeth with it. Another arrow bounces off Linus.

I just don't know, because I'm a little alcoholic It's kind of like the poison That has a nice Numb effect They miss Molto and they miss Seahawks Yay! Guys we're doing so well This is great

No there's another fight coming For now you know Luna Vaughn it's your turn I would like to keep stepping back and keep moving my moonbeam another fight coming. Yeah, but like for now, you know, we're doing what we're doing. Luna Vaughn, it's your turn. Okay, I would like to keep stepping back and keep moving my moonbeam. They're not moving forward now. Oh, I'll just move it. If you move any further back,

the moonbeam will be out of range. Sick. No, no, no. I'll just keep getting with my moonbeam. Keep on getting on. Keep on. You can turn into an animal if you want. But there's another fight coming.

All right, all right, all right. Can you only do that once a day? Are they bigger than a... Breadbox? Yes. What? Don't even stress that. Yeah, it did.

It's Linus' turn. Hey, are they bigger than a draft horse? No. How big am I if I'm a draft horse compared to them? You're bigger. You're like twice their size. Can I kick him in the face to them? You're bigger. You're like twice their size. Can I kick them in the face real good? You could try.

Okay, I would like to turn into a draft horse and kick them in the face. Alright. You turn into a draft horse. You won't be able to get to them this time. Okay. Can I try to let them go? Yes. Quick question. Everyone else is seeing what I'm seeing. It's not just

me. You have 100% seen her turn into an animal before I have had a lot of Groogrogs Oh, by the way, you hate yourself Oh my god That's amazing How does that manifest itself? What's happening in my mind? I mean, fictionally, I'm very well aware

Oh my god, the self-loathing Yeah, you just feel uncomfortable It's just a constant feeling of discomfort I kind of fear myself You don't know what you fear It's weird to quantify It's just a feeling of general unease You can't place why

You move half of the You close half of the distance towards them It's just a feeling of general unease. You can't replace why. You close half of the distance towards them. Next round, you'll be able to get to them. Okay. Oh, it's yucky being me. Linus, as the horse gallops past, Linus looks at the horse and says, I could have ridden that.

Molto, it's your turn um what what what uh what's the distance now between between us and the snake it's still 80 feet they've not moved any closer you could move closer to them if you wanted i guess how much can i move in a turn you can move 20 feet in a oh well no you can move 20 feet and then act or 40 feet but that's your turn okay i'll go 20 feet in a... Oh, well, no. You can move 20 feet and then act or 40 feet, but that's your turn. Okay, I'll go 20 feet and act because that gets me within a 60-foot range. Yes, it does. Yes. Math is pretty good.

Okay, so I run ahead and at 60 feet I cast Vicious Mockery. All right. Oh, and I choose one of them and I get in the head and say, You fucking nerd. You don't even know what a mongoose is. Double damage. You deal. They're so confused by the insult.

Seven points of damage to one of them. Oh, geez. Nice. Its nose begins to bleed and it stumbles back. Such a horrible way to take physical psychic damage is to be like insulted from within your brain imagine hearing a voice inside your brain saying like you suck and then you have a stroke that's basically what's happening right yeah pretty much i love it seahall knocks an arrow and fires she hits dealing nine points of damage to one of them.

Killing it. Yay. Yay. Another one goes down. There's four left now. That was Seahall. Goody, it's your turn. I can't get close enough to hit them on this turn, can I?

No, you can't. Can I get close enough to dart them? Yeah, you could if you use a key point to double move. To step of the wind. You'll move 30 feet, be within 50 feet. I think that's darting range. Darting at disadvantage. Actually, you don't need to spend a key point.

Oh, no. Yeah, you'd need to spend a key point to attack this turn. And that'd be with a dart at disadvantage. Yeah, I'm just not going to use a key point. Just get half the distance, close the distance on the next turn and attack them. Goody, you move closer. It's their turn. One of them

takes... Oh, well, the moonbeam... Oh, you can end... Well, you need to move your moonbeam Lunabon. Seahorse moonbeam kills another one, so we're down to three. Yeah. Sorry, guys, I just opened a really old door One of them

Thanks, just gotta close it One of them fires an arrow at the mongoose The arrow passes through harmlessly Two of them fire arrows At the charging draft horse This is insanity. This is such a weird thing to visualize. These snake

men coming down a ziggurat with a mongoose covered in blood that's not doing anything and a draft horse sprinting at them. Also, we are covered. Covered in snake guts. Am I still covered in guts as a snake horse? A draft horse? Snake guts as a... No, you absorb that into you.

It'll come back out when you change back. You take six points of damage. Two arrows strike you. That's you. Ooh, bad. And then it is Lunabon's turn. Bad, bad, very bad. You can close and attack this turn if you want.

Yeah, I would like to... Can I keep up my my moonbeam but also kick him in the face? You can keep up the moonbeam but you can't move it Okay, I'll keep up the moonbeam People are still in it, yeah? No I'll keep up the moonbeam and try and go And like hoof people in the face Hoof them in the kisser as it were

No, no, no, no You smack one of them in the face. All right. Hoof them in the kisser, as it were. No, no, no, no! You smack one of them in the face, dealing seven points of damage. Sorry to have to duck out, guys. Close that door again. There we go. I opened it quietly last time. Took me a long time to work out what you were saying.

Linus drops his halberd and draws a heavy crossbow. He slowly, arduously loads it and then fires. The one you're fighting, Lunabon, takes an extra five points of damage. As a crossbow bolt strikes it in the chest and knocks it backwards. Into the moonbeam. Yeah? No. Knocks it backwards. It's in line with the moonbeam. Yeah? No. Not to backwards.

It's in line with the moonbeam. Molto bene. I'm glad you thought it was very good. What was that? Whose turn? It's your turn. Molto bene. Oh, sorry.

Can I say that? Oh, fuck. I forgot. Every time that Lunar Bomb was doing her horse actions I had pulled out my flute And was playing the William Tell Overture Alright The what?

Yeah, yeah, of course Okay, great So that happened That's good Also, for this entire fight I'm imagining the flight of the bumblebee That's very conflicting types of music. Okay, you do flight, I'll do wheelchair.

I have a lute. Oh, really? Yeah. Okay, cool. That's great. We should start a band. I'm proficient in the beer. No, I can play the lute.

I don't own a lute. Yeah. Well, I have a lute. What was that band name from before? It was like a path of terror or something? Total Annihilation. What was it? It was when you were describing the path at the mound who shambles.

Path of Desolation. Path of Devastation. Trail of Desolation. Trail of Devastation. Yeah, that's it. Anyway, my turn? Yes. Okay, I'm within 60 feet.

What do I do with 60 feet? Dissonant Whispers for a powerful attack but a limited number of uses or i'll do some diso wisps all right diso wisps you whisper a discordant melody that only one creature can hear presumably one of the yawn team uh it fails its saving throw. And so takes... 11... 13 points of damage. Lunabon. The yawn tea that you're fighting,

it clutches at its ears, starts screaming, its head grows to like an extra 50%, gets red, and then explodes. Oh, Jesus. Also, the dissonant whispers that you used on a different yawn tea. No, that was you. It wasn't just, it had randomly exploded. That would be great.

That was molto bene. See all fires and misses. Goody, you continue to close, but that's your turn. But then you get up to them this turn. but that's your turn but then you get up to them this turn however with four of them dead plus a horse goody and linus oh no linus isn't charging them down but goody and a horse are the last two scatter got him they consider the message that you left for them in the sky and decide better of their situation. Okay, that's great. But now about this band.

You're standing near the base of the ziggurat. The only visible entrance is near the top of the stairs. What's your plan? Well, I have no alcohol left because I use it to kill the snakes. That's good. You're going to be slowly sobering up this entire engagement. I'm going to be really helpful in about an hour. So there's one visible entrance. Yep, at the top of the ziggurat.

Right, so they'd be expecting us through there, whoever they might be. Who knows who could be inside? Snakes? Dragons? Maybe your mother. Why did it have to be snakes? Can we see the others? Is there no longer, we can't see anyone on top of the

ziggurat anymore no all you can see at the top of the ziggurat is a large fire burning quite brightly and as i'll remind you before you've noticed that there's very little in the way of actual yonti you fought i think i i think it was five however many yontty down here at the base. And you didn't see many more on the ziggurat. Either there is a large group of yaunty waiting for you just beyond the threshold of that door, or the yaunty's numbers have been greatly misunderstood. Well, one of them was very big and a snake. That was bad. You know that there were some of the what looked to be higher ranking priests

that did not engage you just now. So they definitely are more yaunty. Well, I think we go in the front door because they might not be expecting us to do something so careless and stupid. Or they're exactly expecting us to do that because it's the only visible entrance. I agree. You can have a look around if you want.

My intelligence is five. Yeah, like, should we look for, like, another way in? Yeah, I think if we find another way in, that might help our chances a bit. Okay, cool. I'm going to camp here for the night and see you guys. And I set up a tent. No.

Okay, let's look. Let's look around. Can we kind of go around the... Yeah, you can do a lap. A lap of a ziggurat. Yeah, a ziggurat. Let's do. Let's look around. Can we kind of go around the... Yeah, you can do a lap. A lap of the ziggurat. Yeah, a zig-a-lap. Let's do that. Sneaking around.

A zig-a-lap. A zig-a-lap. Sneaking around. Not feeling it, guys. I was telling this to Jack the other day. Imagine if I changed my laugh and this was my laugh. That's pretty good. I hate that so much. But it's pretty good no your eyes don't match and it's it's stop it's good it's great your eyes match fine no no they don't

it's so unsettling jack and i hate that adam's done it before when he's tried to be a scary character and it works. Stop. I have a friend, Luke, who laughs literally like, heh, heh, heh. It's always three. Never two. Never four. It's just, heh, heh, heh.

Oh, Luke. Oh, Luke. How much do you guys love Luke? Isn't Luke the best? He's all right. He's really good. What was the name of the friend that I met that one time when we saw each other when I was getting my car serviced? Remember we went to...

It's like the one time it happened. Yeah, that's right. Welcome to the whitest, most middle-class story in the world. Yeah, and then we went to a cafe and had a Benedict. Yeah, we went to a very hipster cafe. Oh, mate, you think that's hipster. You've got to come to my side of town more often. That was my friend Nicholas Collett.

He is a film director and producer and actor and, you know, just generally nice, nice fella. Oh. Well, I'd like to meet this Nicholas fella. We should absolutely, Cass. Ladies and gentlemen, please make him very welcome, Nick Collar. Cass, we should absolutely go get our cars serviced at that place and we'll meet Shanks. Just roam up and around the street trying to catch my eye. Well, no, that's not what happened. I was just walking there and i bumped into you that was crazy no i actually saw you from a distance and said like yeah because

it was within 60 foot and i tried to use this guy's self and then use dissonant whispers on you i remember taking 2d6 damage and we went into the cafe through that secret entrance around the side much like i'm looking for in the ziggurat. Funny you should say that. Molto bene. As you're moving around the back of the ziggurat, you perhaps are in the lead. You spot an odd formation. The

stonework looks odd. Looks odd in one place. You can tell that it's like all uniform except for one patch where the stone looks like it came from another quarry maybe something that a casual glance or even a well-measured glance that just didn't have the specialization would miss but you with both your intimate knowledge of uh stone and your uh keen eye have been able to pick up on it looks looks like a secret address. Did you create rocks, man? Is that? No, no, no. Eight years at Stone U.

Okay, I examine this particularly egregious stone. As the alumnus of Stone U, stoners. Oh, yeah. Really? We celebrate on the 20th of April. In America. Yeah. 24, baby.

Otherwise, you're plumb out of luck Or you gotta make up like 8 months Yes that's true Okay let's make them up now guys Alright Blanuary Okay Teptember Blebuary

Blatch Blapril Bloom Blalai December 2 2nd of December. Re-Decembering. Holiday month.

All of these are different, by the way. Do you think it was about 2nd Christmas? You know how there's 11 C's? It's 11 C's but Christmas. That's the full title. 11 C's but Christmas. Molto bene. You see in the...

No, you don't see, but you feel. When you're looking at the stonework, there's a little like... For some reason... So my brain does this all the time. I'm like, I'm looking for a word, brain. What's the word? And my brain's like... In this instance, I was looking for...

I can't even... The word I'm looking for was like alcove or like a little hideaway tuckhole. But for some reason... I love that word. Hideaway tuckhole. Wow a little hideaway tuck hole. But for some reason... I love that word. Hideaway tuck hole. Wow, you're going to fucking love this. For some reason, my brain's like thigh gap.

The word you're looking for is thigh gap. And I'm like, no brain. That's not the word I'm looking for. So I reach around and find a thigh gap. And I go, multiple baby. And then my brain... And then when I'm like, brain, that's not the word. My brain's like, thigh gap, thigh gap, thigh gap, as if it will trick me into saying it.

Well, it has. So anyway, you reach around, you find a thigh gap. Guys, I found a thigh gap. I shout to my compatriots. You find a little button. Jeez. The cigarette opens. Does it, like, open and, like, how does it open?

Does it open like the temples in GoldenEye 64? Like the doors in Hitchhiker? Yeah, yeah. Okay, nice. Hey, guys. The thigh gap opened when I touched its button. And it made it sigh. Is this

where the big snake lived? Get a good boy, Kyle. That's great. Are we in the campaign? I'm certainly finished. Dungeons and Dragons. We're in the thigh gap. We are.

You're deep in so the door the the secret passage opens up and you see a dark shadowy corridor beyond you uh do any of you have dark vision tiefling yes halfling i don't think so do you have uh i do dark vision yeah dark vision do you have one your eyes open for some bad guys dark vision i have torches is that a yes adam i have torches i don't have dark vision Goodness lights a torch and hands it to you Linus is certainly gonna need one anyway Linus and Seahall, that's right and Garl is back at camp

We brought useless people I can't even see the dark Who should you have brought? Paula? Paula's already here, she's waiting for you she would have been better to help with we're in the we're in the thigh gap uh just for our listeners adam just gave me a real great wink when he said paula's here what no i missed that you venture into the darkness well the lightness now everyone's got torches no you are making itness, but you're still journeying into darkness.

Oh, that's true. That's true. Yeah. See, I know some things. You guys keep calling me Dutch. Dog shit, rat shit. We keep calling you Dutch. Come on, Dutch, continue.

Stop! Come on, Dutch and master, continue. Don't be mean. Don't be cruel. As the philosopher Elvis once said, don't be cruel. And baby, will you be my little teddy bear? No, let me be your little teddy bear. I'm so sorry, Elvis.

Hey guys, this thigh gap seems to be the pathway to digressions. We just send deeper into the digressions. That's a fun idea for a dungeon. A dungeon of digressions? Yeah. Dungeons of digressions? It'd take forever to complete like two rooms on walls on the walls either side of you and the roof and also the sea uh uh the floor

don't the ground ceiling the bottom ceiling the footrounding us. Everywhere. On every surface of the thigh gap. What do we see? You see impressions. Carbons. Christopher Walken, Danny DeVito. This is on you now. There's a good Schwarzenegger.

You get it. What? Into the temple. All right. Tangerine. Tangerine. What's tangerine? That's how you get into your temple. All right. Tangerine. Tangerine. What's tangerine? That's how you get into your Michael Caine voice. No, you say Michael Caine.

Tangerine. He does a lot of pointing. He does a lot of talking. That's my Michael Caine. He does do. You're right. My cocaine. My cocaine.

Tangerine. When I took you in, Master Bruce, you were the size of a tangerine. Is it just me or am I nailing it? must to boost you with the size of a tangerine. Is it just me or am I nailing it? I'm going to take it from your laughs. Yes. All right. Sorry.

Is that a line from Batman? No. Tangerine is just a great line to say in a Michael Caine voice. Mike? Yes. I heard about some mercenaries and I went to the village and they stole the tangerines. It's good. It's fun. You seem unimpressed there are just embarrassed all around you on the walls floor and ceiling there are embossments or impressions of snakes the snakes are appear to be moving away from you further into the darkness and you can vaguely make out through

the snakes there is other additional carvings that look to depict some story i feel like a teacher with a very naughty class sorry you said vaguely make out and i was trying to imagine how you could vaguely make out with someone i imagine you'd both be facing the same way, but you're doing something with your mouth. You're both asleep. Or you're making out, but you're both kind of like looking at your phones over each other's shoulder. No, I think you'd have to be intentionally doing something else

and vaguely making out. That seems, if you're making out with phones over shoulder, it still seems like you're making out with phones over shoulder, it still seems like you're making out a bit on purpose. Right. So what? No, one person's like not, is paying attention to the making out and the other person's kind of half-highly with their lips to the side like texting and like.

Yeah. That's it. That was great. That's how I kiss. Like you're smoking a pipe. And I'm engaged, baby. Sorry, ladies. And our friends beyond the binary.

Who doesn't want handsome Tom? Piece of Tom. Handsome Tom. Get a girl. Handsome Tom. Right here. Salted handsome Tom. Ring, ring, ring, ring.

Click. That was being your bell. Click. Thank you. One of you. The one in. Ring, ring, ring, ring. Click. That was being your bell. Click. Thank you. One of you, the one in lead, I would say perhaps Molto Bene. You step on a panel, a tile on the floor, and it moves down a little bit under your foot. You have just enough time to perhaps utter an oath, a swear of some sort, when a burst of magical energy radiates from you backwards along the group.

Oh, boy. Molto bene. And, Seahaw, you are the only ones not held in place. Little slits open up in the ceiling and snakes fall down upon you. I am very pleased that this is happening. Oh, wait, no, I'm not. Oh, we need a net. What fresh snake motif hell is this?

Find out next time on Into the Jungle Island of Dendar, a D&D is for Nerds adventure. ENDEA's for Nerds Adventure. Thanks for listening. If you want to help support this show and all our other shows on the Sandspans Radio Network, just head to SandspansPlus.com, and for as little as $5 a month, you get access to episodes early, all completely ad-free, as well as a heap of bonus content.

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