D&D is For Nerds - Into the Island Jungle of Dendar #13 Snake Traps

Episode Date: February 2, 2019

Where we find either a waste of time, or an illusionary wall.Sign up to our newsletter here; http://eepurl.com/cM3in9Join our facebook group here; https://www.facebook.com/groups/535280830149669/Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/Watch us stream here; https://www.twitch.tv/sanspantsradioYou can now physically send us stuff to PO BOX 7127, Reservoir East, Victoria, 3073Give the gift of Sanspants! https://sanspantsplus.com/give-the-gift-of-sanspants/Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: https://sanspantsplus.comPodkeep: https://sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: https://audiobooksontape.comMerch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter:  https://twitter.com/sanspantsradioWebsite: http://www.sanspantsradio.comFacebook: https://facebook.com/SanspantsRadioReddit: https://reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;Adam: https://twitter.com/RetroArchetypeCass: https://twitter.com/CassCassPaigeTom: https://twitter.com/AwkwardTreedShanks: https://twitter.com/timtimfed Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio. Suck toes or die trying. The Melbourne International Comedy Festival is coming up, and if you're not an idiot, you'll come see me host Big Deal, an upsetting nightmare game show starring a whole bunch of Sands Pants people and comedians. It's sort of like the game show equivalent of popping a really big blister. Grab your tickets from the Melbourne International Comedy Festival website, or from our own website, sandspantsradio.com forward slash live Welcome to episode 13 of Into the Jungle

Island of Dendar, a D&D is for nerds adventure I love how non-functional we are How the fuck have we done any quests? It's amazing So Hannah, we're at the bottom of the ziggurat, which is this No, no, you haven't reached the ziggurat yet.

Right, okay. Can I sort of make a charge for it and try and jump into its mouth? You can certainly try. How successful you are is another matter. The horse catches sight of you, Lunabon, and bucks him. This is a travesty.

Linus hits the dirt, rolls in the dirt, gets up, and finishes his charge on foot. I produce flame and shoot it at that big snake. It's like the destruction of the Death Star. Guys, we're doing so well. This is great, right? No, there's another fight coming. Yeah, but like for now, you know, we're doing it.

I think if we find another way in, that might help our chances a bit. Okay, cool. I'm going to camp here for the night and see you guys. And I set up a tent. No. Okay, let's look. Let's look around. Can we kind of go around the...

Yeah, you can do a lap. A lap of a ziggurat. Yeah, a ziggurat. Let's do that. Little slits open up in the ceiling and snakes fall down upon you. I am very pleased that this is happening. Oh, wait.

No, I'm not. Frozen in place, poisonous snakes drop down upon you from above. Snakes? Hello? What's your name? Hello? Oh, you can't speak. Oh. Also snakes hate you. Yeah, they all hate me, so they

don't attack me. I can only assume I'm safe. Eh, that's a good side for something. Ah, no. Goody, you are, uh, you feel a magical energy wrap around you and restrict your movement completely. You can basically move your eyes and nothing else. Seahall utters maybe a swear as well. And then she, drawing a scimitar, slashes at one of the snakes.

Ah, that's bad for her. Oh, no. The only other person that can do stuff. Butterfingers. You lose your grip mid-swing and your weapon goes flying 15 feet away. No, 20 feet away

in a direction of your target. Make a ranged attack roll against the nearest creature other than the target in that direction. Guess who that is? Oh, Jiminy Jellicas. It's Lunabon.

Cheese and whiskers. Scimitar flies dangerously close to the side of your head, Lunabon. Does it, like, hit into the wall? No, it clatters. It goes straight down the tunnel. It clatters into the darkness. Alright. Linus is down the tunnel. It clatters into the darkness. All right.

Linus is frozen in place. Lunabon, you are frozen in place. I forgot to roll for goody. Molto bene. You can act. You can see. You and Seahall are the only ones who can see. There are eight snakes in total.

Eight snakes. Why did it have to be eight snakes? Eight snakes. Is that the first Indiana Jones reference? Ladies and gentlemen, tell him what he's won. What's that? Hello, hello, hello. You can have the lovely washer and dryer.

Oh, nice. Or what's in this Simpsons reference? I'll get in the Simpsons reference. What is it? Everything's coming up Milhouse. Oh, damn. So it's my turn? Yes, it's your turn.

Righty-ho. Clear that throat. Where's the near... What are the snakes doing? They look volatile and full of malice towards you and your companions. Okay, wait, and how big are they? Kind of, I guess, average snake size. Okay, cool. No larger than normal snakes.

Okay. What was that psychic blade? Psychic blade. Oh, yes. Plus 2 CD6 damage. Yes. College of Whispers or something? College of Whispers, that's it. I went to that

before Stone U. Yeah. That's where I got my masters in masonry. Rock knowledge. Rock knowledge. Hello and welcome to Rock Knowledge 101. I will be your lecturer. Didn't Julia Zemiro host Rock Knowledge?

Rock Wiz, you're thinking. Oh, it's such a niche joke. It's really good. I know she had a throat. It was a joke. I've been to several live tapings of Rock Wiz. I'm a cool guy. That's pretty good.

Yeah. Yeah, it was fun. Cool boy. I mean, it wasn't as niche as my Car City joke before. I much preferred the car city joke. That was great because I know car city better than I know Rockwiz. Okay, well, Psychic Blade. Is it like a snake that's going for a frozen friend?

Yeah, there are several. You could attack just kind of the nearest one, I suppose. Okay, yeah, I'll just take the nearest snake. Yep. So one of the vipers is rearing up to attack Goody. You slash at that one. Okay, I aim at its leg. Oh, wait.

No, it's cool. It's the body. It's okay. You hit its big leg, splitting it down the middle. You deal... Psychic blade! You add magical mental toxicity to your weapon. Now... What weapon do you use?

Oh, yeah. I was about to clarify. I use my rapier. Okay. You deal 11 plus 4. You cut the snake. You cut from rear to about midpoint. You cut the snake in half, killing it.

Great. It's one less snake. I say, that's one less snake. I squint my thanks at you because I can't talk. And I clock it and go, what? I also try. Do the other snakes know what's coming for them and run? No.

They've got no legs. They seem agitated. Did they form some feet? The one that was going to attack Goody is obviously dead, but one attacks Seahall, biting her. Seahall takes four points of damage and needs to make a constitution saving throw, which she fails.

Seahall immediately projectile vomits. You can see her collapsing. Linus. Actually, it's advantage against Linus because he's frozen. Oh, that's a critical hit. Oh, Linus. So we beat a giant snake outside and a bunch of snake army guys without taking a fucking hit. Yeah.

And now we're going to get killed by a bunch of regular fucking snakes. they've gotten rid of our legs we're on the same playing field we've we haven't been without them for so long they've gotten rid of our legs snakes are comfortable feeling faint you have disadvantage on strength dexterity and constitution based roles for uh oh that's pretty bad. Eight rounds. Additionally, you must make a DC 18 constitution saving throw at the beginning of each of your turns. On a failed save, you fall prone. That's kind of irrelevant at this point. Is that Linus?

I mean, he has disadvantage on this. Yeah, this is Linus. I don't think he's going to stick around for too long. Linus is still standing. I thought we'd reached the end of the Linus. And now he... Oh, right. And he rolls... No, wait.

It's not his turn. What am I doing? And what was the other thing he needed? Poison. He take... Oh, does he pass? Nice. Oh, disadvantage.

No, he passes. Barely. He is not poisoned, but it's still not looking great for him. Additionally, he takes, like, two points of damage. Nothing much for him. Alright. Then two snakes

are going to attack Lunabon. No, they won't. They don't like me. That's right. Three snakes attack Lunabon. What? Oh, they get an advantage. Okay, those dice sound exactly like when I watch a horror film and my teeth chatter. Or when I'm really suddenly cold and I turn into an ice cube. Some good foley work.

None of the snakes manage to bite you several of them sink their fangs into your thick i was about to say leather they wouldn't be leather into your thick leaf boots but they can't get they can't get through the bark inner soul that you use it's much superior they've they're trained to bite through skin i I don't have skin. I've already got skin. Bark. Bark protects a tree. You can't bite into a tree. What do you wear?

Oh, nothing much. Like clothing. I guess cotton. Cotton's fine, right? Cotton and cloth and silk. Something that complements the thigh gap. Ah, the thigh gap. The sexiest part of the woman.

The part that isn't there. Oh, wow. Wow, fuck. Not true. No, part that isn't there. Wow. Wow. Fuck. Fair, fair, fair. True. I don't know if I made that up. I think that's an observation. That is a bleak observation. How bleak is it? I don't think I made that up.

Yeah, that seems a bit too bleak for you. What? Did Dane cook it? No. No. No. Imagine if that was a Dane Cook line. That'd shatter everything I knew about Dane Cook it. What? Dane Cook it. No, no, no. Imagine if that was a Dane Cook line. That'd shatter everything I knew about Dane Cook. Tell us everything you know about Dane Cook. It's just a comedy special I watched.

Okay. I'd just be doing that verbatim. Was it special? Yeah, it was all right. Was it comedy? Look, I still don't mind Dane Cook. He calls bad relationships relationships and i think that's funny i think that's terrible that's like a joke i would fucking make and feel so bad about i am the lowest common denominator this week on fox none of the snakes managed to bite you, Lunabon.

Two. I think there's two left. Yes, there's two left. They attack Molto Bene. What? Sorry. Do the snakes say that as they go? One of them says, sorry.

One of them bites you. You take two points of damage. Oh, yikes. One for each bites you. You take two points of damage. Oh, yikes. One for each fang. Oh, oh. Yowie. That's one. Oh, there's the other.

How did he bite at an angle? I was pirouetting. Oh. And you're going to need to make a constitution saving throw. Oh, gosh, it's right on the line. Do you have anything for saving throws? Anyone? No.

No? No. Reroll a skill or attack. Oh, wait. I remember I said right at the beginning, you can use these cards to reroll any die if you want. So if one of you guys want, you can just spend one of the cards and I'll re-roll this check. Yeah, I'll do it. Spend any

card you don't want, chuck it back in the good boy pile. Keep forgetting that I made that a rule, but just to remind you guys, you can spend any card at any time to make me re-roll any die. If it's damage... I'd like you to re-roll the die. I'd use this card here. That is a regular playing card? Oh, regular?

Well, did I say draw a playing card? No, Adam. That's right. That's right. Cass, you get a playing card. Oh, yay. Those have separate rules. I'll explain them later.

I do want to say as well, you said regular card. This is a Bigfoot set. I have drawn the five of clubs, and it says Big Leaper. Oh, is it the Bigfoot set? Bigfoot can jump up to 10 feet. That's also a different set of rules to the other playing cards. Those five clubs could hit the snakes. How many can I

use? Snake! Alright, now you pass your constitution saving throw. You are not poisoned, thankfully. The other snake misses quite badly, critically, some might say. Sorry, what was your surname? the other snake misses quite badly critically some might say sorry what was your surname the other snake misses quite bad i don't know whether to give you a good boy card

or kiss you on the mouth i'm being very disruptive i'm sorry i'm a giddy move that was a real dane cook joke yeah it was do you know what i am surprised that in all of this snake-based humor, none of us have talked about hiss points yet. Hiss points. Piss points? No, like hit points. Hiss points. How many hiss points have these snakes got, Adam? Oh, like less than 10.

Spoilers. Yeah, sorry. Less than 10. Sword beats fist. If the target of this attack was wielding a melee weapon, take that weapon's damage. The second snake leaps onto your rapier by

accident. Taking Oh, right. It's a psychic blade right now. Taking It just carries itself. It does. It took like 18 points of damage. It's dead. Oh my gosh. Poor snake. I feel kind of bad for it. I imagine the snake's

like jumped mouth first under the sword, and now your rapier is just a snake. And I'll turn to it and I'll say, fangs, but no fangs. Someone's got the afternoon sillies. I do have the afternoon sillies. Goody, you are still paralyzed. Linus. Linus immediately drops out of his paralysis and swings with his halberd at one of the snakes.

He hits. Minimum damage kills. He kills another snake. Seahall doesn't have her scimitar. She is vomiting. Did she kill them with her vomit? She starts backing up, and as she backs up, she tries to draw her longbow, but that's her turn. Luna Bon, you're free.

You can move again. The magic stops affecting you. Okay. There are five snakes. What are you doing? Please stop. It'll be on their turn for a response. All right.

I will. No, no, I'll attack. All right. Yeah, I'll attack. Alright. Yeah, I'll attack. You can attack non-lethally and just knock them out. Yes, please. Can I do that? I would like to attack non-lethally

and just knock them out. What weapon are you going to use? Your sword is now a snake. Snake blade. Hang on, hang on, hang. About just a mo. You should call it fangs. Sorry.

How big is the thing we're in? The corridor is 10 feet wide, 10 feet tall. How big is a giant fire beetle? Good question. I like how we haven't had a lot of animal transformations and now in the space of like a little bit we've gone horse and now fire beetle. This is good.

This is good. I feel like we had a lot of animal transformations early and then none for ages. And we had that mongoose vision which is sort of you know in in it's in the genre yeah yeah what happened to that mongoose is that like still hanging out i think the spell ended i don't think what's the duration on that spell major image i think you were casting i forget well the initiative ended so i imagine the spell ended although i do like to imagine that it's just like a monk's illusion,

just standing outside and a bunch of explorers just running through the trees like, what the fuck? I imagine it's doing like a two-frame scary animation like an original Doom sprite. A giant fire beetle is small-sized, which would mean it's about the size of a dog. So giant for a fire beetle, but not for a person, okay? I actually don't think there are regular fire beetles. I think it starts at giant. Okay. You want to see the

future? They're kind of cute. Aww. We have different thoughts on cute, Adam. In other editions of D&D they could breathe fire, but in this edition they just illuminate things. They just have a light inside them like a ladybug. Not a ladybug, sorry.

Like a glowworm. Yeah, like a glowworm or a firefly. Can I try and do non-lethal damage with produce flame? No, not with magic. You could make an argument with many weapons, but throwing a ball of fire kind of has to be lethal damage. Actually, I think the rule is if it's a weapon attack, if it's doing weapon damage, then you can

do non-lethal, but Produce Flame does fire damage specifically, so you can't make that non-lethal. Okay. Well, can I use my scimitar that I have not drawn out of my bag at any stage? I didn't mention I have a scimitar. So we all

act really shocked when she pulls it out. My eyes just go really wide. Linus. Oh, my God. Hail. Is shocked when you draw your scimitar and slash. Don't slash. You hit with the flat side of the blade one of the spiders.

Snakes. Snakes. Snakes. Sorry. Scimitar, the snakiest of the swords. Scimitar. What is? Get out of here, Luke.

I hope a snake jumps on my scimitar and it just curves around. You hit one of them doing six points of damage. The snake is still up. Bash it around the head, but don't kill it. Okay. That was Lunabon. Molto bene. It's your turn.

There are still five snakes. Five snakes. Yeah, one of them Lunabon is tangling with. The other four seem concerned with Linus and with you. Okay. Is my blade still psychic, or is that a one turn kind of thing? Oh, no, it's once per round on your turn. Sorry, you can only do it once per round.

Right. You use your bardic inspiration to do it, though, so if you still have bardic inspiration, you can go again. Okay, cool, yeah, I'll just uh, I'll psychic blade the nearest snake. Alright, you attack, maybe it's one of the snakes trying to fight.

Maybe it is. Maybe it's one of the snakes trying to fight. Linus? Lunabon. You slash at that one. But your psychic blade with the extra weight of the snake that is dead upon it, you unfortunately, the weight has changed to the weapon and so you're not used to you know it's not as quick as responsive as it used to be so you miss in your attack i will

however say that you don't expend that bardic inspiration your body you when you stab that's when you activate the uh psychic blade so you still have that point of bardic inspiration that you can use next round. I feel like such an idiot. And then it's the snake's turn. Two of them. What am I going to do? Two of them attack Molto Bene. Oh, gosh.

One of them misses. One of them does miss. Very poorly indeed. I would love if another snake piled on top of the sword and you just ended up with like this. I got that fat sword. I skip up. Off form.

Skip up. Like she skips. I know. I love it. I love it. This game is a lot of us making bad jokes, but everyone being so supportive of the person who made the bad jokes. I love every single one of you.

I love every single one of you. I love every single one of you. This is so much fun. This is great. I've been looking forward to this all week. You've been drawing hearts all over that piece of paper because your heart is full of love. Yeah.

I love that picture of the snake stole, by the way. Thank you. Off form, you have disadvantage on melee attacks for two rounds. Not you, the snake. And the other. Thank you. Off form, you have disadvantage on melee attacks for two rounds. Not you, the snake. And the other snake misses you. Two more snakes attack Lunabon. No, wait, it was three snakes attacking Lunabon.

All of them miss. They're snapping at your heels, Lunabon, and you're stamping down, trying to not hurt them, but to just kind of intimidate them, you know that if you bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, hit your feet very hard on the ground, it'll seem intimidating to

them, because they'll be afraid that they're going to be trampled like how a horse deals with snakes. Have you ever seen that? Is that real? Yeah. If a horse sees a snake, it'll try to jump on it. That's great. Good going, horse. It's like an instinctual thing.

They just know to do it if they've never seen a snake before. Do we have anything like that? Snakes or horses? Where we discover an accidental superpower when presented with a particular criteria. Yeah, not a superpower. I mean, stomping, not special, but instincts. What do we know how to do? Isn't there something like with the reason we want to the reason kissing is a romantic thing

or ever used romantically is like a scent thing. It's like we can get our nose close so we can smell if they're bad or something like that. I remember seeing that once. We have grabbing as a reflex. Yeah, that's right. Babies know to grab. Babies know to grab if you

press their palm in. I always do that with a baby. It's the only thingies know to grab. Oh, that's good. Babies know to grab if you press their palm in. I always do that with a baby. It's the only thing I can swim up. Otherwise, they're boring to me. Sorry. It's all good. Babies are there to entertain me, right? Basically.

What else are they for? Yeah, sick. Cool. Some grabbing. They're too young to produce content, so you've got to get what you can from them. Not the boss baby, though. He produces premium content. Yeah.

It's at about three years old when you can produce quality content like that vine where a kid's running around a swimming pool. His mom calls out, what do you got? And he yells as he's running past, a knife. And she says, no. Oh, man. That's one of my favorite vines. What do you got? A knife.

No! Quality content. Can't do that as a baby. Anyway. That's a really long path of digressions. Whose turn was it? That was the snake's. Goody, it's your turn.

Am I still frozen, Adam? Yeah, you're still frozen. Am I the only one still frozen? Yep. Well, you know, I'm dumb and drunk and yeah. Yeah, you're probably loving life. I am. I'm not doing any fun.

You're paralytic, like when you're really drunk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey. Linus kills another snake. C. Hall manages to get enough of herself about herself to draw and fire, but her arrow misses, skipping off the floor. You can hear her whispering kind of just to herself

in the darkness. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. You're not sure who she's saying that to or why. Lunabon, it's your turn. Did the snakes respond to me? Oh, no, they did not. I turn my scimitar around. So you're holding the sharp bit, yeah?

You take three points of damage to your fingers. To your fingies. In the Indies, they're called fingies. Sorry, go on. I turn my scimitar about and I start attacking the snakes non-lethally. No, do you mean lethally? Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Oh, lethally.

Lethally. And I say, stop or I'll be forced to. You... Well, for the obvious reasons, you miss. You're too scared to hurt a snake. I can't do it. Why are they talking to me? You don't know.

Why are these the only ones that come near me? Let's cut open their voice boxes and look. Here, I've got one on my sword. Motobane? Yep. There are four snakes left. Four snakes. I hit the third one.

All right. You strike at the third one. Alright. You strike at the third one. Are you making this a psychic blade? I am making this a psychic blade, Adam. Thank you. Okie dokie. You deal four, six. You slay another snake. Snake slayer! It's the name of my new album.

With your rapier, the snake is is about to it's coiling up right behind lunabon ready to launch itself at her while she's cry fighting when it launches through the air you stab forwards with your rapier and skewer it through the head did i still have the old snake on my sword yeah i now have two now have two, like, kind of... Yes. Okay, nice. You have one dangling off the tip and one all the way down the length. In the thigh gap hole.

It's the snake's turn. Welcome back to another of my turns. See what I do. Welcome, fuckboys. I hate that the snakes get promo material. Two of

them attack Lunabon. Both of them miss. One of them attacks Molto Bene. Oh no. I told you I was coming for you. Snake. The snakes have a completely unsuccessful round of attacks. Goody? You're free.

Well, this is nice. Are there any snakes near me? There's one within. You just take a five-foot step and you're there. I'm going to choke this snake out. All right. Martial arts choke a snake. Yeah, you grab a snake, squeeze.

It's not so much choke. Well, no, it is kind of. So what you do is you squeeze, you hear, you feel the snake's ribs cracking, and you know that you've crushed its windpipe. When you let go of it, it hits the ground and starts writhing and wriggling, and you know it can't breathe, and there's nothing it can do about it. It certainly isn't going to perform a tracheotomy. Tracheotomy. Tracheotomy.

A snakiotomy. There's no word that you won't put snake in front of no matter how hard we try. Yeah, that's true. Snakes and vinegar chips. Snakes and vinegar snakes. Oh, snakes and snakes. That's what I call snakes and lettuce

That's what I call D&D Snakes and snakes Goody you choke a snake to death I am satisfied with the outcome Of the events That puts it down to two snakes Can you use that snake to choke another snake I will

I would do that if my character allowed it. I would round up the snakes together, tie them in a knot, fling the knot at the ground. Linus and Seahaw killed the last of the snakes. Oh, I wanted to choke a snake with a snake. I'm so sorry. Keep a snake in your pocket. Adam, I want to take this snake to choke someone with later.

Find a snake, pick it up, all you do, you'll have good luck. Don't listen to him. Hey, one got away. Wriggle, wriggle, wriggle. The snake that Shank's cut in half up to its neck, up to its head. Yeah. Can I turn it into a boa? It's a bloody one.

It's already a boa. I mean, you already look really evil, right? Like it would be part of the whole vibe. Yeah. Do you want one of these snakes, bro? Yeah, I'm going to turn it into a scar. Watch the fangs. I do want to say I apologize for making the boa joke.

We've established that it has fangs, which means it's not a boa. Continue. I feel like we've already made that joke in this campaign. Yeah, probably. It sounds familiar. Basically, I want to take the snake that's been split in half and turn it into a bolo tie. So that it dangles and its head's here.

That matches your accent. It totally does. You do as good a job as you can under the circumstances. You are covered in blood. I am. I'm already covered in blood. True. We're all covered in blood, right?

From when the snake exploded. We're all gooped from head to toe. Ladies and gentlemen, I am Sheriff Snake. I like that. We have no more alcohol, do we? I think there's some inside this ziggur snake. I like that. I like that.

All right. You continue to venture deeper? I shed some more tears for the fallen snakes who didn't even talk to me. Why does... I go give Lutabone a little hug. Just a little, hey. Hugging the chap. It's cool. I mean,

quest mom, you know. It's cool. I would offer you a pick-me-up, but I used it. That means a lot. I hug Molto Bene back because I know that in these teenage years these times are far and fleeting and then it's okay fine that's enough shut up and i start walking away into the cigarette cool i cry more that hurt let's go all right you continue deeper into the ziggurat um you you'd spend quite a lot of time walking maybe like an hour we'll say okay yeah

that's that's quite deep yeah well you at some point realize that you've been going down uh like steadily going down a slope and the slope has a very sudden sharp left turn which gives way to another left turn and another one and another one and another one. And you have no idea. It's a spiral. You begin to lose track of time and place and such. You're not really sure where you are in relation to where you began, both in time and space. Have I sobered up?

Is that a way to measure how long it's been? Yeah, you kind of have. You are beginning to sober up. I'll say an hour has passed, so you guys can roll to get some hit points back. Great. Goody and Lunabon, you have taken no damage. Linus will be healing. Seahaw will be healing, and so will Molto Bene. Yes, please.

You recover some hit points from resting, and then I'll say Seahall heals you back up to full as well. Well, I've got Song of Rest. Oh, yeah. You can give yourself an extra D6. Yeah. Yeah, actually, without Seahall's help, you're back up to full. Back up to full. Great.

What does that Song of Rest sound like, Shanks? Song of Rest, Song of Rest. Oh, rest is the best. That's a song from Zelda. I know. I know. That was a... We'll get there.

We'll get there. But thank you. Sorry, I just totally no-butted your yes and. No, it's fine. It's fine. I like that. The path you're on eventually comes to a wall, just a blank stone wall. You think there could either be a secret passage

or this has been one long waste of your time. I told you we should have gone in at the top. Surely we didn't come in here for nothing. I want to know, you guys aren't, you're maybe 10, no, longer than that, maybe 20 feet away from the stone wall i want to know who if you guys move i check for trash what everyone is doing like exactly how do you check for traps i i i stop and go wait remember last time i stood on a thing and it sank and got as depressed as i feel every fucking morning and i could not move

which is that's the way i feel every fucking morning i couldn't speak to the snakes which is just how my life is i guess yeah we're laughing i'm doing pretty well what was what was all that apologizing about and the sickness? You vomited. Are you okay? I've been poisoned by the snake bite. Are you still poisoned? I believe so, yes. I still feel awful. Well, you look great on a sneaker. I feel awful too, but that's just generally how I feel.

Okay. I reckon we throw something in, right? Like, let's just, like, I've got a bad feeling about this, guys. Let's toss something in to try and trigger a trap. I have darts. Darts? I'm going to hit a good shot with the darts. Oh, let's dart it up, boy.

I bet that might not be heavy enough. Sorry to interrupt, gang. Jackson here with a quick word from our sponsor. Also, a reminder that this Melbourne International Comedy Festival, I'm going to be hosting a majorly unpleasant game show called Big Deal, and you're all invited. Grab your tickets from our website, sanspantsradio.com forward slash live. As you were shanks.

Hey, Linus, you're brave. Yes? No, sorry, this is out of character. I'm not going to do this. I like Linus. Okay. What are you going to do then? Because you're still 20 feet away from that wall.

I can throw in a torch. That might be heavy enough. I'll light it first, see if we get any illumination on the situation. You light a torch and throw it? Yeah. Do you throw it at the wall or in front of the wall? Do you want to hit the ground in front of the wall? Do you want to hit the wall? What are you trying to hit?

Maybe I'll roll it. Step right up. Step right up. Sorry. I'll roll it along the ground so as to trigger any ground traps, but I aim to hit the wall at the back. Alright. You bowl it. I bowl it. You roll it along the ground, but you don't give it enough energy to go 20 feet, unfortunately.

It stops kind of in the middle. It could have triggered traps, or it might not be heavy enough. You know most... Well, yeah, it's just like common wisdom that... Common wisdom? The prevailing wisdom is when you're making a trap in a dungeon, you make it so that a person will set it off, not a rock. Adam. Yes?

If I use Step of the Wind, could I step up to the wall, touch it, and then step back? You can. Whether or not you'll be quick enough to avoid any traps is another thing. I say go for it. I believe in you, Questad. Why keep anyway? I activate

one of my extra key points. I will handle this. I will step to the wall. I will step back. Prepare yourselves for whatever. Look up if there's snakes will step to the wall. I will step back. Prepare yourselves for whatever. Look up if there's snakes coming out of the roof. Just be ready for it. Can we just look around to see if there's anything we can see above to the sides of the ground ceiling, as it were, if there are any holes or things that could be just like a gander?

I've already checked to see if you see anything visual. You detect no visual. The walls seem quite uniform. There's still those little impressions or what have you on the walls telling some sort of story along writhing snakes. We're still following the direction of the snakes, right? Yeah, but there's really one passage.

But yeah, yeah, you have been following it along. You maybe haven't been paying that much attention to the walls or even if you have, it's hard to make out what the story is exactly trying to say something about snakes something about snake people hard to tell goody you sprint as fast as you can that 20 feet you reach out and try to touch the wall and as you do so well fuck me and as you do so you see your fingers go straight through the solid stone as if it wasn't there. You don't have to sprint back if you don't want to, or do you still want to sprint back?

No, I'll stop. All right, he stops. It ain't a wall. It is an illusion meant to look like a wall, much as the illusion that I put up to look like I have my whole life together. If you failed the... You say pointing to yourself with glowing red eyes and evil costume covered head to toe in snake blood. Wearing a snake bolo.

You're like their leather face. I am. This is what happens when I'm sobering up. It's not pretty. I feel so sick when I'm sobering up. Oh yeah not pretty. I feel so sick when I'm with you. Oh, yeah, because you weren't before. No, I was not. That's why I thought the bolo tie was a good idea.

Why am I wearing this? Oh, a snake. Oh, no. Oh, a snake. Oh. I stop. Look at this. I put my arms through the wall, and I do this, wavy, wavy,

and I take my arm back out. Whoa. And then I step through the wall, so I'm half in the wall, half out, and I look really weird. Yeah, because there's definitely no enemies in that region. Very blasé for someone who's venturing into the unknown. I'm not good at things. What if you fell down a pit? Did I fall down a pit, Adam?

You didn't. There we go. It's not a wall. I wish I'd rolled a dice on that. Oh, fuck. You know, it's tempting, but I don't want to ruin the next room Because I'm going to have a lot of fun in that room No, that never happens good for us

Is this like your red room from Fifty Shades? Where Adam goes to have a lot of fun in this room Well, if Goody calls it safe, do you guys approach? What was that, Goody? I said it is safe It's not a wall, per se Watch, I will demonstrate by putting my head What was that goodie? I said it is a safe. It's not a wall per se. Watch.

I will demonstrate by putting my head through the wall. I put my head through the wall. Someone grabs you. No. That would actually be amazing. In a safe. What? Giant snake.

What were you thinking? It's me. I'm back. stupid of you here uh the the room beyond it is a room i've seen the room beyond it's large it's maybe 60 feet by 120 feet so a long rectangular room there's columns maybe 20 on either side running down down the room, kind of in the middle, look like support structures of some sort. The columns are made out of a single wrapped around and around and around snake, which their heads are up against the ceiling. There's a large portcullis door at the other end. So it's a portcullis then a big iron bound wooden no actually it'd be stone

stone with iron uh lacings on it bound door and two similar but smaller doors on either side i pop my head back out and i say all those things but did you say one of the doors was stone yes i got that yeah Whoever designed this building, I have a hunch that they had a boner for snakes. Potentially possible. Who do you think made it? Snake people. I just start walking through.

I march on over. Let's go. Okay, yeah, I follow. Thank you for trusting me, both of you. Everyone enters this new room. Just a quick, the snakes are free. There is a mosaic, a wraparound mosaic, all around the wall here.

This one also depicts a story, and this one is a lot more obvious than the one you were just at. You see humans, dwarves, elves, the like, being brought before an altar, laid on the altar, and then sacrificed ritualistically i won't give you specific details but it's incredibly gory it looks like their parts are being taken

they're being parted into tiny little bits and those bits are being reconstructed as yaunty or into the yaunty that part is a little hard to hard to make out. So they're frankensteining? A little bit, yeah, it looks like. At the, kind of at the epicentre of the entire mosaic is this large iron door, also made out of mosaic. The iron door has a, like a halo,

a ring of light around it, and it looks like this is, they're venerating this door. It looks like they are venerating this door. This like they are venerating this door this is disgusting horrible we need to stop it from a distance i look to see if i can recognize the people being sacrificed if i recognize any of the faces here no one looks familiar this mosaic was probably made long before oh sorry i i had a brain fart i thought this was actually happening in front of us excuse me no no no this is a yeah This is a mosaic. It looks quite old.

I'll actually quickly just give it a roll. This is going to sound really stupid, but molto bene. Just judging by things like art style, how it was made, and such like that, you would guesstimate that this mosaic is maybe uh goff no it's maybe hundreds and thousands of years old hundreds and thousands hundreds of thousands it's all delicious i start licking the walls hundreds of thousands of years old yes guys this is old like real old how old like think of a hundred think of thousands and

times those together that's how old hundreds of thousands of years old you say so trees hundreds of thousands or hundreds and thousands linus says um hundreds of thousands i'm not dumb and i have struck my hair back at about that, goodness, you hear a clunking sound from the imaginary wall that you stepped through. You turn around, put a hand up against it, and you can tell that a real wall has taken its place. Well, I have an update. The wall is now real. What? Where do we go next?

I start looking for an exit. There are the three portcullis and then... What's portcullis? A portcullis is... So you know how... A wrought iron checkerboard. You know, like at the front of a castle? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's got a portcullis and then a big stone with metal reinforcing struts and such doors. They look incredibly sturdy. struts and such doors. They look incredibly sturdy. You could not imagine without, unless you had hours, you could not imagine getting through them yourselves. Can I have a look through the portcullis?

Just go around and start looking through them to see if I can see anything. There's doors on the other side. Yeah, so it's portcullis and the big door. My poor ears. They're stupid, Adam. They're stupid. That's like the big one. And then to the sides of it, there's two smaller doors.

Two small doors, one big double door. And all three doors are on the other side of the portcullis. Yes. Okay. Correct. The big double doors are fancy and have the halo. Is that correct? The big, they're the doors. Oh, no, no.

In the mosaic, there's a big iron door depicted as part of the mosaic. Sorry. So one of the snake statues collapses. It cracks and crumbles. Well, I've got a bad feeling about this. Another one does so. Another one. Another one.

Another one. Oh, you fucking bastard, Adam. You realize that it was slower first, but it's speeding up now. The roof is coming down. Son of a bitch. Everybody looked at me like I was saying something, but that was it. Linus, how strong are you? Not strong enough, he says.

You don't want to try? Well, I guess if it comes to it, I'll have to, won't I? Good boy. Linus, maybe getting his halberd, sticks it up against the roof and tries that way, but it's obvious that he is not nearly strong enough. Wait, how high? I thought the roof was, like, high. It's pretty high, yeah, but it's speeding up as it comes down.

Okay, guys, we've got to find a way out of here. Let's run. All right. I run towards the portcullis, I suppose. The main one? Is there any one portcullis? Like, is the wall with the portcullis bit kind of going into it? Does it make sense?

No, I don't follow. No, I think I know what you mean. So the portcullis is on the wall. Yes. But then the roof is coming down past it. Okay, yeah. Cool, cool, cool. There's like a little, an archway for the door itself.

So the doors are not going to be crushed by this, but you guys will. So you said which portcullis. I thought there was only one portcullis, behind which there are three doors. No, no, no. There's three little door alcove areas. Small enough, large enough to fit basically the portcullis and door only. You guys will not be able to save yourselves like that. Three individual portcullises with a door behind them. It's like a security door and a door.

Yeah, like the security door and the. Yeah. Make sense? Yes. It's like a security door and a door. Yeah, like the security door and the regular door. And is the stone directly behind the portcullis or is there a bit of a gap? There's a slight gap but not very much. Like you could reach through

with your fingers and touch it. Well, I could turn into a rat and I'd be fine. Could you? I'm so sorry. Just give me one sec. Hang on.

I've just got to really do something really important. Don't come up with anything clever. Oh, you're fucking fast. I know exactly what you're doing. Okay, quickly. You've got five minutes. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. You've got five minutes.

Okay. Quest mom. Quest mom. Portcullis. That's metal. Can you heat the metal in some way and we can like melt it and get through i'm pretty good at punching things i could punch the metal if you heat it up and made it weak enough yes i'll heat metal i'll hit which door big one

i read a small one small one i go small one left or right left malta you're on a roll son okay left for love you guys we're going left for love, you guys. You begin heating that metal, and then who's going to damage it or destroy it? I will use my martial arts and Flurry Blows the Door. So you're using a key point? Yes. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. You start working at the door.

You make a big dent, but you don't break through yet. You've got to keep trying. Linus, everyone, everybody get involved with your metal. Linus jams his halberd in and wrenches at it, trying to use it as a lever. Do you continue to pummel? Yeah, I'll go one more round of pummeling. With key? Yeah.

Bang, bang, bang, bang. I'm rapiering it as well. All right. bang bang bang bang i'm rapiering it as well all right between you linus and um molto bene with molto bene and linus using their weapons as a lever you managed to open a hole large enough that even the largest of you can get through all right you're at the stone door with iron reinforcing oh shit we did not think this part through through. Can I detect magic on the door at all? I'm so sorry. Yeah, you can cast detect magic upon the door. You detect no magic

upon the door. Shit. You spend time focusing, concentrating, looking around. There's no magic on the door itself. Does anyone have dynamite? Dynamite, no. Does anyone have oil? How long does detect magic last?

Up to 10 minutes. All right, cool. So just let me know if you're ending it or anything like that. You don't have to necessarily end it. Okay. It just might be useful for you later. Yeah, yeah. Can I keep using it around this room, or do I have to keep recasting it? So the way it works is any spell...

We don't have time for this! Any spell with a C and a duration, where the duration, if it should have a little triangle... It's got a C, yep. That means that it's concentration, so as long as you're concentrating on the spell, you're fine. If you cast another spell with that C, then that spell ends. I see, right.

I detect magic everywhere in the room, as much as I can. All right. Well, the wall that you came through detects of magic faintly, but you can tell that that magic is ended. There's a proper wall there now. You detect some magic about the iron door, and you detect some magic about the main, the double door. Right.

Two minutes. I don't know what to do with it. Two minutes. Okay, come on. Yes. Wow. Who can pick a long one? I mean, go.

Okay, the floor. Is there any way we can get down and dig? The floor is made out of sandstone You could start trying to dig Adam, you fucking bastard I hate you I've never been happier with myself Is there anything else in the room at all?

There's the mosaics There's the wall that you came through Okay, I examine the mosaics. Is there like a hole where like snakes are coming in through or something? There does... Okay, these fucking rolls better not count towards that time. Damn it. I'm sorry, but everything does.

Stop apologizing! Stop laughing! No laughing! You, the mosaics, have no obvious gaps in them other than those made for the little concreting in between. Sorry, go on. Is there anything in the mosaic about falling roofs? Ken, is there a gap under the door that we're trying to get through

or a keyhole or something small like that? You start feeling around that. Oh, the door? Is it like the bottom of the door? Is there a small gap? There doesn't appear to be any gap. It looks flush with the wall. Can we start digging under the door?

You can try, yeah. What are you going to dig with? A minute. Me, I'm a dog now. I'm turning into a big mastiff. You turn into a mastiff. You start pouring at the door. Turn into a horse and break the door down.

It's iron reinforced. What are you doing? Is there anything on the roof? Is there anything on the roof that I can see? You look at the roof. It's just coming down at you. You're gazing around with your detect magic. Like I said,

you detect magic only on the big iron door, part of the mosaic, and the main door. The iron door on the mosaic? Yes. Okay, I rush over to that. I rush over to that.

What do you do? I press the door. It's not there. It's an illusion. What? Oh, there's a hole in there? Yep. Okay.

Guys, come here! Come here! 20 seconds! I climb into the hole! Come on, come on, come on! Let's go to the hole, Adam! That's not the thing! Come on, come on! 17 seconds left You all dive through the iron door Thank god for that V

At the end of that word I thought you were saying you all die Well good for you Lannis You didn't have to be strong enough I in to stand up and say, fuck you, Adam. Who's Adam? It's just what I...

He knows who he is. Everyone get a good boy card. I'm very sweaty. I'm a dog. You're a dog. I'm a dog. I pet you I don't know how to make a dog

Now I'm a mastiff Hey Do you see it's hard Yeah Woofing woofy woof I only know how to do relaxed dog That's pretty good. There's something out, but they're sleepy.

Melody, when she's barking in her sleep, makes sounds that are like hiccups. Yeah, like that. Maybe she's dreaming she drank too much soda. She's floating towards the ceiling, and her and her grandad need to stop themselves before they get up there, but then they make handprints all over the place,

and Wonka won't let them. Yeah, good day, sir. Won't let them? Good day, sir. Every time they try and touch the wall, Wonka's hand extends and reads the piece there. No. Good day, sir. Stop high-fiving me anyway um you're in a small dark kind of dank corridor this is called the butthole

that's on you now this is entirely on you. Okay. It stinks down here. Tell you what. Sorry? Has it sealed? Yeah, the way behind you is gone. There's a big old roof in the way. Man. Oh, right.

Were those doors all fake? We have not got through any of them. Oh, yeah, they were fake. They were there just to fuck with you. That's so good. I used two key points getting through that fucking door. Yep. Yeah, you did.

I'm so sad you didn't break down one of the doors and just find wall behind it. That would have been great. You are a dog. I am. But you love me. No, I meant Cass's dog. But you love me.

Wait, can you roll on that? Do we love Adam? Yes. Okay, I used a good boy card re-roll you got a big bonus to this if you roll a one you still get a plus 20 pretty much yeah so you're in this cold dark corridor you light another torch so that you can see your way. The stone here is possibly obsidian. So even when you light your torch, it still looks really dark down here. The stone here is not very well worked as well.

So as you're walking down, and a lot of you, especially the taller ones among you, need to kind of like crouch to get through this tunnel. You're going to be cutting your feet and hands and arms. And you need a part that brushes up against the wall or ceiling.

Something fierce. I've got fucking horns. Oh, yeah. That fucking sucks, mate. You keep causing sparks. Ow. Ow. That sounds horrid.

Ow. You're moving further and further along. And then you can- Wait, is Castel a dog? Yeah. I feel like that'd be like better. Sorry? Right? To be a dog on this? Yeah. Cutting up her paws. It's no good for her. My injuries go away when

I'm not a dog, yeah? Yes. Yes, they do. I keep being a dog then. I'm a dog for an hour. You can hear a distant echoing ahead of you which begins to resolve into chanting. You can hear chanting distant echoing ahead of you, which begins to resolve into chanting. You can hear chanting ahead of you. I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that that is a ritual

to which we just saw the artwork for. I nod. I was kind of hoping it would be like a band or a choir or something we could hang out with. Teenagers love nothing more than choirs. I'm a bard. No, they're so ominous. It's great. Makes me think about death. What do other types of music

remind Molto Bene of? Find out next time on Into the Jungle Island of Denda. The end is for Nerds Adventure. Thanks for listening. If you want to help support this show and all our other shows on the Sandspans Radio Network, just head to sandspansplus.com,

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